Low self-esteem has become an epidemic in our society. Feelings of unworthiness and an impaired self-image can occur starting at a young age and may lead to mental health issues, including depression and anxiety. People who lack confidence in their abilities may negatively compare themselves to others and may refrain from trying new things out of fear of failure.

Because of unrealistic media portrayals of what a healthy body looks like, young girls and women can be especially vulnerable to developing low self-esteem and body image issues. When girls are conditioned to believe skinny bodies are desirable and should be the norm, they may feel inadequate by comparison. According to a survey conducted in 2016, 69% of women and 65% of girls feel pressured to attain an unrealistic standard of “beauty.” The negative impact on their overall view of themselves can lead to decreased self-confidence and feelings of unworthiness, as well as “yo-yo dieting” and/or eating disorders.

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Social media can also contribute to an impaired view of self-worth, as many people tend to compare their lives with others and may feel they come up lacking. Seeing only happy moments and pictures posted online can create a discrepancy in what people would like to see in their own lives and the reality of what is happening. Understanding that social media portray an unrealistic and limited view of people’s experiences is important to keep in mind.

Because low self-esteem can be so harmful, finding ways to feel better about ourselves and our abilities is vital to our well-being. The following are some methods that can be used to help increase self-esteem:

• Don’t beat yourself up. A common issue for people with low self-esteem is negative self-talk. If you have a tendency to beat yourself up, try to replace the negative inner dialogue with positive statements about yourself. Look for your strengths and focus on these, rather than on your weaknesses. When you catch yourself berating yourself, replace the negative self-talk with positive affirmations about yourself.
• Don’t compare yourself to other people. We are all special and unique, with different gifts to offer. Trying to become like others or to measure up to others’ standards can be exhausting and make us feel inadequate. Concentrate instead on being the best version of yourself that you can be and on improving on the innate skills you already possess.
• Avoid perfectionism. We are all human and therefore imperfect. Striving for an idealized version of yourself can be detrimental, as you will never be able to achieve perfection. While having attainable goals to work toward is important, don’t feel as if you have to do everything perfectly. Failure can actually be beneficial at times, as we may learn valuable lessons that can help us with future endeavors.
• Develop a healthier relationship with your body. If you tend to struggle with body image issues, work toward developing a better outlook by focusing on health rather than on weight. Choose healthy eating options whenever possible without going overboard. In addition, find an activity you enjoy that you can commit to on a regular basis. This could be going for a daily walk after work, taking a kickboxing or yoga class, or working out at the gym.
• Limit your use of social media. Try to avoid spending too much time on social media, as this can lead to unrealistic expectations regarding relationships and lifestyles. Remember that most people only post pictures that make their lives appear happy and fun, but that this is not an accurate representation of their experience as a whole. Spending too much time looking at what others are doing also means we are spending less time enjoying our own lives.
• Set attainable goals. Determining what to focus on in our lives is important, so take some time to set some goals for yourself and break these down into small steps that can gradually help you accomplish them. Feeling we are making progress toward our dreams can help to boost our confidence levels and make us feel good about ourselves.
• Meet with a counselor. If self-esteem issues have become a serious problem in your life and/or have led to depression, anxiety, substance abuse, or an eating disorder, you may want to consider meeting with a therapist in order to work on healing any inner wounds and improving your self-image.

Although low self-esteem has become commonplace in our society, there are ways we can work on developing a healthier sense of self. Try some or all of the ideas listed above to increase your self-confidence and start to feel better about yourself. If you want support, contact a licensed therapist.

Reference:

New Dove research finds beauty pressures up, and women and girls calling for change. (2016, June 21). Retrieved from http://www.prnewswire.com/news-releases/new-dove-research-finds-beauty-pressures-up-and-women-and-girls-calling-for-change-583743391.html

Low self-esteem, an issue I see in a number of the men I work with, is common in those who tend to look outside of themselves for validation and self-worth. Not only is low self-esteem understood to relate to depression, it may also contribute to addiction, feelings of anxiety, and suicidal thoughts and/or ideation. Some of the individuals I work with struggle to maintain a sense of being “good enough” that is adequate to keep them emotionally afloat.

Let’s consider this phenomenon more carefully, considering how it might be possible to refocus attention toward the inner world in order to establish a more stable and positive sense of self. With increased self-esteem may come reduced symptoms of depression and anxiety as well as increased overall well-being.

What Exactly Is Self-Esteem?

We often hear others talk about self-esteem, but this phrase can become so commonly used it may begin to lose meaning. Self-esteem describes a person’s subjective assessment of their own value or worth. For example:

• Do you like who you are?
• Do you think others like you, or who you are?
• Do you feel you have inherent value to the world?

Self-esteem can also be described as a kind of emotional fuel that drives many of the choices a person makes and the actions they take. A person who has high self-esteem may be more likely to choose relationships that are healthy and may also be more likely to take action when trying to achieve what they want in terms of their career, creative life and lifestyle. People with high self-esteem may also tend to refuel, or bounce back, relatively quickly when faced with criticism from others or general setbacks in life. [fat_widget_right]

Those with lower self-esteem may feel as if they are not inherently valuable. Their emotional fuel tanks are low, and they may have difficulty making good decisions, or any decisions at all. People who see themselves as worthless may be more likely to find themselves in a harmful or abusive relationship or alone when they do not want to be, feeling they do not deserve anything better. They may also feel trapped in dead-end jobs or refuse to pursue something more in line with their career goals or desires.

The Source of Self-Esteem

Parents and other caretakers, as well as society at large, contribute to the development of a person’s sense of self-esteem, the shaping of which begins early in childhood. Children need loving adults to reflect back their worth. Worth might be conveyed through how the child is held, cared for, talked to, and/or the ways caretaker respond to overall emotional expression. Ideally, children get the message that their very existence has value, regardless of what they do. They learn their feelings and beliefs are worthy and valuable.

Unfortunately, not every child grows up in a healthy, nurturing environment. Young boys in particular may fail to receive adequate support in the development of self-esteem, and they may not learn that their feelings are valued or even realized. I find that society today still equates much of a boy’s—or man’s—value to what he does, not how he feels. From a young age, boys are often praised for their achievements. If you listen when parents around you praise their young children, you may often hear young boys being praised for NOT crying, for climbing the jungle gym, for building a large castle, or for walking so well.

Thus, boys may grow up believing it is what they achieve that reflects their value. As they age, they must then continue to achieve in order to demonstrate their value. Competitiveness develops, not as a source of joy, but out of an anxious need to be appreciated and loved.

An urgency to achieve and compete for recognition is inherently a position of low self-esteem. Think of it as having a leak in one’s emotional fuel tank. To keep going, some may find it necessary to “feed” this self-esteem tank with notches on their bedpost or dollars in their bank account. Some individuals keep this up for much of their lives, but secretly, in their own bedrooms or “man-caves,” experience feelings of depression and anxiety that may be exacerbated by a never-ending struggle to secure their self-esteem. Others may use sex, television, or substances in unhealthy ways to numb feelings of emptiness and pain.

Cultivating an Inner World

Low self-esteem can be particularly debilitating because it feeds upon itself. Individuals who harbor negative feelings toward their inner selves may be more likely to make choices that have a negative impact on their relationships, work, or other aspects of life. These effects may contribute to or exacerbate existing feelings of depression and anxiety. Substance abuse, one common distraction from the pain of feeling worthless, may lead to addiction, which can further a downward cycle.

Low self-esteem can be particularly debilitating because it feeds upon itself. Individuals who harbor negative feelings toward their inner selves may be more likely to make choices that have a negative impact on their relationships, work, or other aspects of life.

There is a remedy to low self-esteem, and that is to return to the source within one’s self. While this is not necessarily an easy road, it is a generative and fruitful one. Along the journey, you may discover psychological layers that must be recognized and felt, repeatedly.

These layers may include:

1. Resistance, which can be described as a fear of the unknown, internalized voices saying an individual needs external validation. Resistance can also take the form of doubt.
2. Shame/guilt, or feelings that are remnants of perceived past failures or low self-worth.
3. Emptiness, or a feeling of lack or absence that may appear to be low self-esteem.
4. Grief may be experienced as mourning for the years a person “lost” to running around urgently trying to prove their worth. Some men may also grieve the feelings they felt unable to express in childhood.

Approaching the above layers requires guidance, practice, and trust. It is not necessarily a linear process. Psychotherapy is recommended, as therapy is a practice designed to map out and make contact with these layers of the psyche in order to find an inner source of high self-esteem.

Men in particular may be less accustomed to going inside themselves and remaining in the unknown long enough for change to happen. I believe therapy is a worthy pursuit and that it provides a clear path toward healing many of the emotional and mental health challenges faced by men today.

Reference:

Orth, U., & Robins, R. W. (2013, December 3). Understanding the link between low self-esteem and depression. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 22(6), 455-460. Retrieved from http://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0963721413492763

“You’re such a narcissist!”

If you’ve ever caught yourself saying that to someone you love, you know it’s never a compliment. “Narcissist” can be an all-purpose put-down that calls someone out for being egocentric and grandiose, demanding praise and adulation, and being unable to appreciate the needs or emotions of others; it’s hard to see how anyone with these qualities could ever get along in a friendship or romantic relationship. And yet, according to the American Psychiatric Association, between half a percent and 1% of the American population—which is to say, up to 3.2 million people—currently meet criteria for narcissistic personality (NPD).

Under everyday circumstances, narcissistic behavior can destroy relationships, ruin marriages, and interfere with professional advancement. But the same traits we see in people with NPD may also be present, individually and more subtly, in many people—maybe even in everyone. That’s because narcissistic qualities might well be a necessary component of human development.

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Sigmund Freud himself argued, in an essay called On Narcissism, that an infant’s primal urge to survive exceeds its sense of other people’s independent existence, and therefore comprises a kind of “primary narcissism”—a limited, self-centered outlook on the world, into which other personalities have yet to intrude. From six months to about 6 years old, most children go through a stage like this, which could be seen as a way station on the road to developing an independent self. According to Freud, the pathological narcissism that sometimes develops later in life (which he referred to as “secondary narcissism”) results from a distorted exaggeration of healthy narcissism.

Later psychoanalytic theorists elaborated on, and sometimes disagreed with, Freud’s theory. Karen Horney didn’t see primary narcissism as a phase everyone goes through; instead, she believed narcissistic traits arose from a mismatch between the individual and caregivers. To Horney, parents who treat their child as if the child is deeply undervalued—or overvalued—may be nudging that child toward developing a narcissistic personality. By contrast, Heinz Kohut saw the grandiosity of pathological narcissism as something that arose from a child’s larger-than-life idealization of the parents. Kohut believed this grandiosity, later in life, would typically shrink to the size of healthy self-esteem. A third clinical theorist, Otto Kernberg, also focused on parents and their contribution to narcissistic pathology: he believed children develop self-esteem when they have become accustomed to being praised and validated by caregivers. A child then develops positive internal representations of the parents and, at the same time, a stable and positive internal self-concept.

Regardless of whether you’re a follower of Freud or Kernberg, it’s probably not difficult to see how everyone needs to be affirmed by their significant others. It’s probably no less easy to see how acknowledging sufficient narcissistic validation in childhood is essential to developing healthy self-esteem. Unfortunately for popular understanding, this all gets lost when “narcissist” is used as a casual insult.

All these post-Freudian thinkers focused, at least in part, on the parent-child relationship as necessary to building self-esteem. Chief among the responsibilities our parents hold may be narcissistic validation or affirmation, which could be defined as the experience of having your whole self, and your feelings, treated as real and important by someone you care about. Validation is what we internalize as we grow up, so we can develop the ability to value ourselves. Like many things, narcissistic validation is beneficial—and necessary—in moderation. We need it most when we’re children; it’s our parents’ job to notice how we’re feeling (i.e., hungry, tired, or unhappy) and to respond appropriately (with food, the nap-time ritual, or just a hug). If a child is not well validated by the parents—and thus comes to believe their feelings are not important or will always be ignored by significant others—the child may learn to compensate and adapt by developing a psychological shell of brittle, exaggerated narcissism.

As we mature, the validation we seek continues to provide crucial interpersonal feedback, informing the way we make friends, fall in love, and come to know ourselves. We surround ourselves with people who value our good qualities, which can create a positive feedback loop. This feedback—this prosocial, mutually beneficial style of narcissistic behavior—comes into play when parents become their “best selves” when raising their children, or when people who crave others’ attention are able to reward that attention with cheer, kindness, or good humor, cementing friendships. Usually, the development of realistic and positive self-regard, along with an affirming self-concept strong enough to temper negative feedback, works to stabilize self-esteem in most adults. Truly mature self-esteem consists in the ability to self-validate, to regulate self-concept without depending on others’ praise, and to accept criticism without becoming defensive.

Regardless of whether you’re a follower of Freud or Kernberg, it’s probably not difficult to see how everyone needs to be affirmed by their significant others. It’s probably no less easy to see how acknowledging sufficient narcissistic validation in childhood is essential to developing healthy self-esteem. Unfortunately for popular understanding, this all gets lost when “narcissist” is used as a casual insult.

There is no question narcissistic behavior can be problematic. At the extreme end of the narcissism continuum, it can enable and perpetuate abuse. But perhaps more widespread knowledge and insight into the narcissistic needs of children and adults can help turn the label “narcissist” into something a bit more complex. We might even begin to see other people’s basic narcissistic demands as the reasonable human needs they often are.

References:

1. American Psychiatric Association. (2000). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (4th ed., Text Revision). Washington, DC: APA.
2. Freud, S. (1991). On Narcissism. In Sandler, J., Person, E. S., & Fonagy, P. (Eds.), Freud’s “On Narcissism:” An Introduction (IPA Contemporary Freud: Turning Points & Critical Issues). New Haven, CT: Yale University Press.
3. Horney, K. (1950, reprinted 1991). Neurosis and human growth (2nd edition). New York: W.W. Norton
4. Kernberg, O. F. (1985). Borderline conditions and pathological narcissism. Lanham, MD: Rowman & Littlefield.
5. Kohut, H. (1971). The analysis of the self: A systematic approach to the psychoanalytic treatment of narcissistic personality disorders. New York: International Universities Press.

A common theme in my office lately has been difficulty with assertiveness. Whether it’s breaking off a relationship that’s no longer working, asking for a well-deserved raise, requesting an extension on a project, or setting healthy boundaries with others, many of the people I work with struggle with voicing their needs and advocating for their best interests.

The inability to speak up and ask for want we want often stems from a variety of subconscious fears and/or irrational belief systems. We may be afraid of making others mad or hurt, reluctant to put anyone else out, or terrified of appearing demanding or unreasonable. We tend to hold onto irrational belief systems that tell us we are responsible for the feelings of others. Thus, we avoid making requests that may create any form of discomfort or tension. Sometimes we hold deep-seated attitudes that the needs and wants of others are more important than our own. We ultimately wind up shutting down and remaining silent—in other words, being passive or non-assertive.

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The problem with an inability to be assertive is that it often goes hand-in-hand with low self-esteem. When we are unable to be assertive, we may set into motion a vicious cycle where feelings of unworthiness are reinforced, leaving us even less empowered to stand up and take proper care of our needs. When we are unable to be assertive, we send ourselves a subtle yet powerful message that we are not good or worthy enough. It’s a form of self-belittling that becomes a destructive habit over time. The portrayal of weakness, indecisiveness, or inhibition is also conveyed to others, leaving us more vulnerable to being depreciated or taken advantage of.

As we remain silent in various situations, we may also begin harboring feelings of frustration and anger, leading to a buildup of resentment that results in assertiveness being all the more difficult. Many people find themselves initially unable to speak up, but ultimately reaching a boiling point, after which they cross the line and wind up engaging in aggressive communication or behavior.

When we are able to speak up for ourselves, we set a tone of equality, honesty, and mutual respect. Acting assertively allows us to establish healthy boundaries with others and to improve our chances of fulfilling our needs and meeting our goals.

I tend to view assertiveness on a continuum, with healthy assertion being the middle ground and goal, and non-assertion and aggression being the two opposite-end extremes. Assertiveness training is an important part of the work I do in helping individuals to build self-esteem. One of the most useful and encouraging things to know is that assertiveness is a skill that can be learned, practiced, and improved upon. It is not necessarily an inherent personality trait. Rather, it takes a concentrated effort to develop it.

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In Your Perfect Right: Assertiveness and Equality in Your Life and Relationships (9th edition), Robert Alberti and Michael Emmons define assertive communication as “direct, firm, positive—and when necessary persistent—action intended to promote equality in person-to-person relationships.” They say “assertiveness enables us to act in our own best interests to stand up for ourselves without undue anxiety, to exercise personal rights without denying the rights of others, and to express our feelings honestly and comfortably.”

When we are able to speak up for ourselves, we set a tone of equality, honesty, and mutual respect. Acting assertively allows us to establish healthy boundaries with others and to improve our chances of fulfilling our needs and meeting our goals.

Most importantly, assertiveness helps us to build and maintain healthy self-esteem.

There are always going to be situations where certain assertive messages do not result in the end goal being achieved. You may not get the promotion, extension, appreciation, or respect you are asking for. There will always be challenging, difficult, or abusive people who refuse to embrace your assertiveness or fail to match your level of healthy communication. Don’t be discouraged. The fact you tried to advocate for your desires and needs sends a powerful message that you value and respect yourself enough to speak up.

Remember it does take effort and it may involve some work to challenge the irrational beliefs that stand in your way. But with practice and determination, you can become more assertive, build self-esteem, and experience a more rewarding quality of life.

Reference:

Alberti, R. & Emmons, M. (2008). Your perfect right: Assertiveness and equality in your life and relationships (9^th ed.). Atascadero, CA: Impact Publishers.

If I asked whether you spend most of your day feeling cool and confident, you’d probably laugh at me, right? We’re all constantly working on knowing who we are and feeling OK about ourselves. And too much of the time we’re looking for this feedback from the outside—other people, accomplishments, a number on the scale—instead of looking inside ourselves.

There’s a metaphor I love to describe this phenomenon. I liken people to beautiful, old oak trees. Our trunk is where our strength and sense of self is. It’s literally grounded, connected to the earth through a network of roots, and it’s solid, hefty, and multilayered. Up higher are the branches, and at their ends lay the leaves, constantly blown around by wind or rain. If we think of other people’s opinions (or traffic, or problems at work, or financial worries, etc.) as the weather, and our sense of self as the leaves, we can see how quickly and often we get battered.

When we “live” up in our leaves, we feel that we’re easily swayed or, worse, hammered by outside influences. If we can work on “living” in our trunks, we feel solid, unable to be knocked down.

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So how do we get out of our leaves? First, we recognize what we’re doing. For instance, if you’re feeling a lot of anxiety and depression, this could be a clue that you’re worried about how other people see you. Anxiety commonly carries a message of “I have to be perfect or other people will feel let down.” Depression often sounds like “I’m not good enough.” Both of those statements, and the hundreds of other, similar ways we beat up on ourselves, lose track of how we feel about ourselves, and instead are all about the way we think we come across to others.

When you recognize that you’re being hard on yourself because you’re worried how others will perceive you, label that: I’m doing it again—I’m in my leaves. Then turn your attention to your trunk.

Your idea of your trunk will take some time to develop, but it can be a fun project. First, come up with an image. You can look online for a lovely photograph of a tree, remember one you grew up with, or create your own fantasy picture. Next, think about the qualities that make you unique, and that you feel good about. Your values, strengths, and dreams are a good place to start. By making lists and spending some time considering these characteristics, you may come up with a stronger sense of who you really are and what you like about yourself.

When we “live” up in our leaves, we feel that we’re easily swayed or, worse, hammered by outside influences. If we can work on “living” in our trunks, we feel solid, unable to be knocked down.

Values are how we decide what’s important to spend our time on, and if our lives fill us with a sense of purpose. If we’re not clear on where our values lie, that can make us feel lonely, alienated, or confused, and open us up more to being manipulated. Thinking about your values can get you in touch with your spiritual beliefs, lessons from relatives or mentors you admired, or books or movies you’ve felt inspired by. You can use a worksheet, such as this one, to calculate how you prioritize aspects of life.

Listing strengths can be really challenging for people battling low self-esteem. If you’re one of them, this exercise may take some time. You can use an online tool like the ones at the Institute on Character, or you can just sit and try to list 15 things you like about yourself. Fifteen is an important number. Many people can list five pretty easily, and then can strain to come up with 10. Fifteen takes thought, creativity, and commitment, and the mere act of investing the time often makes people feel better. If you truly can’t finish the list, ask relatives, friends, or coworkers to help.

Finally, look into your dreams. What did you want to be when you were a kid? Was there anything you felt passionate about as a young adult? For many of us, we tend to be our most idealistic in our teens and twenties. We find causes or have goals that are lofty and principled. By looking at those, or remembering them, we can get in touch with what fires us up and makes us feel committed—and passion and commitment are two of the most important qualities shared by happy people, according to the field of positive psychology.

By turning our attention from our leaves (the outside judgments of other people, the annoyances of daily life) to our trunk (the inside assets and standards we appreciate about ourselves), we can worry less about what other people think of us and concentrate more clearly on who we know ourselves to be. Which is the very definition of self-esteem.

When I was a child, I heard a phrase that stuck in my memory: “You’re so impressionable.” I mulled over this phrase, trying to understand its meaning. One thing that was clear was that it was a criticism. It was wrong to be impressionable—to allow others to influence you, affect your behavior, change your mind. If you were deemed impressionable, it meant you were weak, you had no personality of your own, and you were easy prey for others to manipulate.

These seem like legitimate concerns. Clearly, there are dangers in being too impressionable, too easily swayed by others’ opinions or actions, and unable to choose for yourself. Heed the parental warning: “If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you jump, too?”

But we mustn’t throw the baby out with the bathwater. Just as every coin has two sides, so does being impressionable. There are positive attributes to being impressionable that should be encouraged. The ability to allow people, ideas, and experiences outside of ourselves to make an impression on us is also a gift and a skill.

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It’s a gift when a person can read an inspiring quote and become inspired. To be susceptible to the powers of a good movie or book to alter our perspectives on an issue, a person, or even ourselves is growth. Art has the power to alter our view of the world in very positive ways, if we allow it.

Being impressionable doesn’t only lead to changing our beliefs, but also to changing our behaviors. The truth is human beings were designed to be impressionable. We are supposed to pick up the clues, from our families and society, which show us how to behave so we’ll be safe and socially accepted. But why stop there?

Being impressionable doesn’t only lead to changing our beliefs, but also to changing our behaviors. The truth is human beings were designed to be impressionable. We are supposed to pick up the clues, from our families and society, which show us how to behave so we’ll be safe and socially accepted. But why stop there?

The world is full of people who have learned things we could all learn, enjoying things we could all enjoy, behaving in ways that would benefit us all. Whether it’s learning compassion from Mother Theresa or the joy of baking from Martha Stewart, the more we let others influence us, the fuller we get.

Years ago, I observed with awe as my friend Lorraine moved through a room full of strangers, greeting people warmly as if she were the host. It was amazing to see people respond to her, sometimes welcoming and sometimes dismissing, while she floated through the crowd unfazed by rejection, enjoying herself. This presented a new way of behaving for me. I usually just chatted with the one or two people I was with. I admired her freedom and playfulness. She took me for a lap around the room and I got to experience firsthand what it was like to be that friendly and engaging. Ever since I have attempted to incorporate her behavior into my own.

In therapy, I often see people who experience depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem. The scale of what is influencing them is imbalanced. Fear, self-criticism, and negative beliefs are being listened to as if they’re gospel. Positive beliefs, on the other hand, such as hope, love, and beauty, are banging on a locked, steel door, hoping to be let in. These people would benefit greatly from becoming more easily influenced by positive messages in their lives.

There is no denying that life can be difficult. In life, there is both pain and fear. But there is also no shortage of beauty and inspiration surrounding us. To become impressionable to beauty might allow the sunlight, caught in a raindrop on a leaf, to spread the warmth of happiness through your chest, like sipping a warm cup of tea. Hearing a beautiful piece of music might reignite your faith in humankind.

Those inspiring quotes on Hallmark cards, Facebook, or Pinterest might actually be speaking to you. And they just might serve you better than the fear and loathing in your head.

Have you ever called yourself “stupid” just because you made a mistake?

When you look in the mirror, do you curse your reflection for not being attractive enough?

Do you make silent, sarcastic remarks to yourself after you speak?

When you engage in self-criticism, it’s like having your very own personal bully living inside your head.

Whenever you try something new, the bully is there to taunt you. When you think about taking a risk, the bully lets you know you’ll probably fail. And when it comes to relationships, the bully is the first to point out your flaws and weaknesses, all the reasons no one could ever really love you.

The bully loves to control you. It’s the bully’s “thing.”

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Your bully is happiest when you’re anxious about screwing up, or else feeling like you already screwed up. That’s what gives bullies their power.

If you want to ditch the bully, you’ll need to take your power back. But before you can do that, make sure you really want to get rid of the bully inside your head.

“What?” you may ask. “How can you even ask me that? Of COURSE I want to ditch this bully!”

Are you sure?

The bully in your head is there for a reason. The bully is there to keep you on your toes. What if you didn’t have a bully pointing out how badly you’re doing in everything? How much worse might you be?

Taking your power back by rejecting the lie (i.e., there’s something wrong with you) is much easier said than done. But what does it feel like to consider the possibility that you’re just fine exactly as you are?

The real bully is your belief that there’s something inherently wrong with you. How ready do you feel to let go of that?

As long as you suspect there’s something wrong with you, you’ll need a bully to keep you on the right track.

Taking your power back by rejecting the lie (i.e., there’s something wrong with you) is much easier said than done. But what does it feel like to consider the possibility that you’re just fine exactly as you are?

Take a few moments to mull it over.

What does it mean if there is really, truly nothing at all wrong with you? It could mean a lot of things, not all of them pleasant. For example:

• You’ve been treated worse than you deserve to be treated.
• You’ve turned down opportunities that might have made your life better.
• Your expectations of yourself may have seemed too high, but have really been too low.
• Your expectations of others have been low or nonexistent.
• You wasted years not following your dreams for fear you didn’t deserve them.

Taking back your power from the bully in your head is not without cost. The cost of taking back your power is regret—for all the years you let the bully control you.

Go ahead and feel the regret. You earned it and it won’t kill you.

Then take back your power by saying no to the bully who insists there’s something wrong with you.

There’s no special trick to it. Just do it.

Act as if there’s nothing wrong with you. You’re a good person. You won’t do bad things just because no one’s there to criticize you anymore.

You trusted the bully to take care of you all these years, but it cost you some self-esteem. Trust yourself now. Ditch the bully.

When the bully calls you stupid or unattractive, say, “I disagree.” Then mentally walk away from that criticism.

That’s how you take charge. One thought, one moment, at a time.

Good luck taking on your bully. Let me know how it goes.

Confidence is something we all struggle with from time to time. We want to feel sure of ourselves, but those little whispers of self-doubt show up whenever we want to put ourselves out there, take risks, or try something new. They tell us to play it safe and do things the way we’ve always done them to avoid getting hurt, embarrassed, or rejected, but you don’t always have to listen to them. In fact, doing things your conscience deems unsafe or out-of-the-norm is a great way to build confidence.

Cultivating confidence is the first step toward healthy self-esteem and personal growth, but it isn’t easy for most people. In order to foster confidence, you may have to do something you’ve never done or think in a way you haven’t thought. This can be scary, but know that cognitive restructuring and adjusting behaviors are essential parts of many types of effective therapy.

To help you on your journey to become more confident, here are eight suggestions to get you started:

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1. Face a Fear

Fear is usually at the root of a lack of self-confidence. When you’re scared of the outcome of something, you aren’t likely to go into it feeling assured. Until you face your fear head-on, it controls you and makes the voice of self-doubt louder.

Think about a fear you faced and recall how you felt afterward. Perhaps you felt liberated and proud; you might have even wanted to do the thing you were afraid of again.

Make a commitment to do something that scares you every day, once a week, or once a month and watch your confidence quickly grow.

2. Befriend Failure

If you haven’t failed, you haven’t tried. In order to truly be successful, you have to be comfortable with the possibility of failure. The more you fail, the more you’ll learn and grow. Accept your mistakes and use them to propel you forward.

Failure often seems like the end of the road, but it’s probably just the beginning. Once you accept the initial disappointment, you’ll be able to move forward better equipped to succeed the next time. By taking risks and being willing to fail, you’ll learn to believe in yourself and your capabilities.

3. Doubt Your Doubt

Doubt is the enemy of confidence. It keeps us feeling uncertain and, sometimes, even makes us a bit cynical. If you start doubting yourself, counteract it by doubting your doubt. Question the truth of what your doubt is saying to you.

Perhaps your doubt is saying, “Oh, I’m really not good at this.” Question those limiting beliefs whenever they arise. You’ll likely realize there aren’t many facts to back up the doubtful assertion.

4. Affirm Your Strengths, Talents, and Accomplishments

People who lack self-confidence tend to focus more on their weaknesses than their strengths. Make a list of your strengths, talents, and accomplishments. Be honest with yourself and try reading from this list daily to remind you of your greatness.

Don’t hesitate to write something like, “I am beautiful and wonderful” in red lipstick on your mirror. Though it may seem cliché, it works. We tend to believe in messages we are constantly exposed to—just ask an advertising executive.

Your confidence is influenced tremendously by your daily thoughts, especially recurring thoughts. Consistency is key to lasting change. If you want to be more confident, make a habit of reminding yourself of your unique gifts and abilities.

5. Embody Confidence

Fake it ’til you make it. Ever heard that phrase?

If you want to be more confident, feel more confident. When you find yourself feeling nervous and unsure, stop for a moment, close your eyes, and think of a time when you felt confident and self-assured. Use all of your senses to bring you back to that moment. In doing this, you’ll be more able to cultivate that feeling in the present moment.

Also, consider your posture. Choose a body posture that looks and feels confident. Next, think about your clothing and style. Dress to impress—yourself! Dress in a way that makes you feel good. If you look good to you, you’ll feel good, and feeling good often leads to higher self-confidence.

6. Listen to Empowering Music

Music is a great for evoking emotion. When you want to feel more confident, turn on some music that lifts you up.

If you’ve never used music to inspire motivation, we suggest these confidence-inducing songs:

• “Eye of the Tiger” by Survivor
• “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough” by Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell
• “We Will Rock You” by Queen
• “Perfect” by Pink
• “Happy” by Pharrell Williams
• “I Will Survive” by Gloria Gaynor
• “Living on a Prayer” by Bon Jovi
• “I Feel Good” by James Brown
• “Survivor” by Destiny’s Child
• “Just the Way You Are” by Bruno Mars
• “Lose Yourself” by Eminem
• “Beautiful Day” by U2

Press play on one of these tracks and turn the volume up before a workout, job interview, date, or some other event that requires you to summon confidence.

7. Set a Realistic Goal and Take Action to Achieve It

Your achievements contribute greatly to your feelings of self-confidence. By making a commitment and following through with it, you’ll learn to trust yourself and your abilities more.

Often, we make extreme resolutions—think New Year’s resolutions—that require broad, sweeping change. Then we don’t stick to them. It happens every year: people who exercise once a month try to exercise an hour each day and almost inevitably make it about a week or two before they give up. By not following through on a commitment we make to ourselves, we lose trust and faith in our abilities, and our confidence suffers as a result.

New habits take a significant amount of time, effort, and dedication to cultivate. When setting new goals, be realistic and make sure that your goals are attainable. Start slowly and set small goals that you can build on. By following through with your commitments, no matter how small, you’ll learn to trust yourself and gain confidence in what you’re capable of achieving.

8. Make a Difference

Do something to give back and contribute to society. Consider volunteering or making a donation to your favorite charity. Do something for someone else. It doesn’t have to be a major contribution; even something as simple as helping your elderly neighbor carry her groceries will make you feel good (and more valuable).

By making a personal contribution, it reminds you that your individual choices have an impact on the world. Realizing your true significance as an individual will empower you and increase your feelings of self-confidence.

Choose One Suggestion from Our List and Give It a Shot

If you really want to be more confident, consider choosing just one of the suggestions above that resonates with you. Even if it seems quirky, try it. Focus on one thing at a time and adjust a simple thought or behavior and it could go a long way toward building your confidence.

If you try to do too much at once, you may become overwhelmed. Remember that confidence is a state of trust, which, like any therapeutic relationship, takes time to build. Be patient with yourself and know the journey begins with one step. Take baby steps and, before you know it, you will arrive at your destination feeling confident and capable.

Do you allow others to take advantage of you? Do you avoid speaking up for yourself? Well, now’s the time to build your backbone! One that works, doesn’t wobble, and gets stronger when used.

What is a backbone, anyway? A backbone is a symbol of strength in character, an unwillingness to be used or taken for granted, and a firm commitment to uphold one’s decisions and feelings. We’ve all seen and heard of people who have a backbone; they are the strong ones, the ones who get what they want.

How do you know if you have a backbone? Ask yourself these questions:

1. Do you resent someone in your life?
2. Do you feel taken advantage of?
3. Do you often complain but nothing changes?
4. Do you keep all of your emotions in?
5. Do you avoid conflict?
6. Have you said yes when you meant no?
7. Have you allowed your anger to build up and come out in other ways?
8. Have you compromised self-care for others-care?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, you could use a backbone adjustment!

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First, let’s understand why backbone building is so hard. Often, we’ve been hurt and have learned to give in to avoid a conflict or, worse, getting hurt even further. Another possible reason we may not use our backbone is that we lack self-esteem and confidence. But it costs us in the long run: we don’t speak up, we don’t make waves, and we allow ourselves to be treated disrespectfully in order to keep the peace.

The benefits of a backbone are many. A backbone, or confidence in our strength, allows us to feel:

• respected, not used and taken advantage of
• in control of our lives
• empowered, not belittled
• secure, not second guessing ourselves
• confident that we’ve created a life plan—and live it

We may feel a compromised sense of strength in our marriages, our parenting, our work, with our extended family, or with ourselves. In our marriages, our strength is compromised when we ignore important issues, stop communicating, and don’t speak honestly. Similarly, when we are disrespected at work or when parenting, and the issue isn’t resolved, we may feel walked on and relationships may suffer. Our extended family exposes a compromised backbone when we don’t communicate our needs properly to them, when we are available even when our schedule does not allow for it, and when others dictate our lives. We can be compromised with ourselves as well. Haven’t we all been irresponsible, ignored truths, and improperly cared for ourselves?

There are three easy steps to strengthening your backbone.

Deal, Heal, and Reveal

The first step, dealing, means observing when we are being backbone-less. Make a mental note when you shrink, when you feel lowered, and when you inappropriately compromise. Think of the consequences of speaking up, saying no, or quitting. What’s the worst that can happen? Can you deal with the discomfort? If yes, move to step two. If not, repeat step one until you feel stronger.

Step two is about healing. Using your instincts or your gut reaction, make a small decision and stand by it. Say no once. Next, make a few more decisions and say no a few more times. Do not ruminate on past mistakes and decisions. Keep going. Feel yourself getting stronger. Now you know better, and you’ll do better.

Step three is to reveal the new, updated version of you—backbone intact! Use your newfound character firmness to create a life plan with balance and reciprocity. As you gain strength and stand straighter, others will notice. You’ll be respected more, you’ll have more self-esteem, and you’ll no longer be allowing your life to be determined by others. Get out there and grow your backbone!

In my view, self-esteem, the foundation for how we are in the world, is the most under-acknowledged component of mental health. One of our most important tasks as parents is to be sure the environment fosters in children perceptions of themselves as capable, effective human beings. Self-esteem is greatly impacted by how children feel about their ability to cope with life, a feeling that is largely developed by others. The way parents respond to their children communicates to them that they are loved, capable, and contributing people, which enhances their self-esteem. On the other hand, parents can unintentionally send negative messages to children that they are incapable and unloved, which contributes to low self-esteem.

A desirable self-esteem is likely being established if children perceive that they belong and that they are loved and respected within the family system. One way for parents to enhance that perception is to focus on their children’s strengths and accept their weaknesses. Children should be set up to be successful and learn how to embrace positive feedback from others, not discount it.

In order for children to understand how capable they really are, parents need to facilitate children reaching their full potential by demonstrating genuine interest and a desire to be productively involved with them. If an atmosphere of closeness and trust is created between children and their parents, children will grow increasingly interested in adult perceptions. All human beings, children in particular, have a basic need for potency, a sense of control over their environment, and an affirmation of their significance.

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Children need to have opportunities to experience success. Success breeds success, which will result in building self-esteem. Parents can encourage children to work toward developing a level of self-understanding, which is a powerful influence on human behavior and is a crucial component in children reaching their full potential.

In order to ensure that their children are developing a desirable self-esteem, parents can do the following:

• Set time aside to talk with your children and be fully present. Children need to feel they are being listened to.
• Encourage children to take care of themselves through modeling a healthy lifestyle by eating a balanced diet and getting enough exercise.
• Provide the opportunity for children to become involved in activities they enjoy. Allow children to have a voice in the activities they engage in to encourage their individuality and to develop their own interests and passions.
• Model a positive attitude toward yourself and others.
• Help children set goals, and celebrate when they reach them. If reaching their goal takes longer than expected, keep encouraging them. If plans need to be renegotiated, let children know it is OK in order to enhance their self-confidence.
• Encourage children to do their best and be proud of them for doing so. If they receive an A or a C in school, be proud of them for the effort they give.
• Despite the circumstances, let children know they deserve to be loved and accepted.
• Teach children that experiencing challenges and disappointments is a life skill and not a reflection of their worth or what they deserve.
• Let children know you will never give up on them and ensure that they are held accountable. Their self-esteem will be enhanced by taking responsibility for themselves and their behavior.

Being deserving means having an expectation of goodness in your life. It is the goodness of people, relationships, and situations that we all want and deserve in our lifetime. We are all deserving of:

• a safe place to live and work
• relationships and people who love us
• colleagues and employers who respect and support us

The idea of being deserving isn’t a new one. But for someone who is not used to feeling deserving or worthy, it can be a difficult concept.

As a black woman, I grew up with conflicting messages from my family telling me that I was capable and deserving of whatever my heart desired. But then I went into the world only to be told directly and indirectly how undeserving I was. Whether I was undeserving of the same respectful treatment my colleagues were given, of being seated at a restaurant, or of the promotion that I’d worked hard for, I was constantly told and reminded how undeserving I was.

For many people, there is a tension between what we come to believe we deserve and what others tell us we deserve. Whether it’s an outsider or ourselves limiting our expectations, though, it makes it more challenging to live a fulfilled life. Perhaps the limitations you experience in life are a result of a deeper belief that you don’t deserve more. Though it doesn’t feel good, it is familiar to stay in a situation that you’re used to.

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But it doesn’t have to be this way. There are steps you can take toward having the life you want and deserve.

First, ask yourself, “Do I deserve good things in my life?” If the answer is no, why not? Why can’t you have the relationship, job, or life that you want? Take the time to write your answers. You may surprise yourself with the thoughts that are unconsciously swirling around your head. Many times, these buried thoughts come from long-ago experiences that hurt us and continue to influence us today. If you don’t uncover them, you can’t change them!

Now that you know where your feelings of being undeserving come from, you have some investigating to do. Are the comments that were made to you 20 years true today? Were they true then? Don’t give yourself an automatic answer; take the time to expose the validity, or lack thereof, of these thoughts.

A true investigation requires more than just your perspective. Gather three people who are honest, who love and encourage you. Ask for their opinion and thoughts about the messages you received when you were younger. Picking the right three people is key. They shouldn’t be people who will agree with you no matter what; otherwise, you won’t believe them. Nor should they be the people who initially conveyed these messages! They need to be people who will be honest with you while loving and supporting you.

Once your investigation is complete, you need to review this new information. Ask yourself again, “Am I deserving?” and “What am I deserving of?” Are your answers any different than the original ones?

What do you want to do with this new information? Do you want to hold onto it and ponder it? Or are you ready to take action and make changes in your life?

If you are ready to make a change, repeat the following daily: “I am worthy and deserving of goodness.”

Imagine the difference on your psyche and in your interactions with others if you move from saying “I’m worthless” day after day to saying “I am worthy and deserving of goodness.” Repeat “I am worthy and deserving of goodness” each time you go outside. Whether you’re leaving for work in the morning, taking a lunch break, or going to the store, say it. In doing so, you will challenge your thinking and your beliefs about your worth. It will lead you to the interactions, relationships, and situations that you are truly deserving of!

What or who makes you feel deserving? Let us know in the comments section below.

What if we told you that with a single simple phrase, you could turn a bad day into a great one and turn pessimism into an instantly brightened attitude? You could write “I am beautiful” in the fog on the bathroom mirror. You could repeat Aibileen’s mantra from The Help: “You is kind. You is smart. You is important.” Or, you could print out these nine affirmations and hang them around your home or office, tape them on the dashboard of your car, or commit them to memory to pull out during trying times.

Affirmations are statements that reflect a positive outlook on life, one’s abilities, one’s potential, and more. Because the verb “to affirm” means “to maintain as true” (Dictionary.com), affirmations inherently uphold truths. In other words, by repeating these phrases you aren’t teaching yourself anything new—you’re simply repeating and reinforcing truths. Sometimes it’s difficult to remember that you are kind, smart, and important. You may need to continue to tell yourself those things so your brain can recognize and accept them.

Repeating affirmations can relieve anxiety, ease day-to-day pressure and stress, and even have a positive effect on healing from other mental health issues, like addiction. Don’t believe us? It’s scientifically proven!

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GoodTherapy.org has reported before on the astounding benefits of using affirmations:

• For toddlers with autism, affirmations can increase language development.
• Teens develop a stronger sense of identity when using affirmations.
• Simply stating affirmations in times of stress can increase likelihood of success.
• Self-affirming can help people consume less alcohol.

Add these affirmations to your daily routine, and let us know in the comments how they’re helping you achieve goals, gain self-esteem, and foster positivity in life!

1. I have the strength to face the challenges before me.

2. I am worthy of love and respect.

3. I accept myself with all my imperfections.

4. I recognize my own talents and gifts.

5. I am unique. There is beauty in my differences.

6. I focus on what I can do, not what I can’t.

7. I have value and worth in my community and in society.

8. I am grateful for every learning experience I have had.

9. I can change.

Having a hard time accepting these statements to be true? You’re not alone—many people experience self-esteem issues, low self-worth, or reluctance to accept oneself. Therapy can help. Search the GoodTherapy.org directory for the right therapist for you, and take the first step to making a change in your life.