Do you spend too much time on other people’s problems?

You lead a busy lifestyle and you have plenty of problems of your own to solve. But have you ever noticed how much time you spend solving other people’s problems? Perhaps while you’re trying to reply to a few emails, your coworker stops by to complain about his neighbor—again. Or maybe your roommate is always telling you about her various dating escapades without noticing that you’re in the middle of something.

In therapy sessions, one of the first things I find myself doing is helping people focus on their own lives and stop trying to solve other people’s problems. I sometimes call others’ problems “hot potatoes” because they often feel urgent, which reminds me of the game we play with kids—passing the potato around until the music stops. Nobody wants to be left holding the hot potato, especially if it doesn’t belong to you.

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If you are a parent, friend, coworker, or roommate, you hear your share of other people’s problems. It takes practice to learn to deflect the hot potato. We all know what it looks like: someone dumps a problem on your lap and looks at you with hopeful eyes. It’s my job, in part, to help people through these problems and feel better. I am happy to listen to hot potatoes and am trained to help address them, relying on my professional experience and skill set.

But for people who don’t do what I do, it can be tiring being the one friends and family go to for relief of daily dramas. Rest assured you can still be a loyal parent, partner, and friend without fixating on someone else’s life. Here are two ideas for passing a problem back to its owner:

1. When someone shares problems with you, remember that it is not always an invitation to help the person problem-solve. Are you being paid to solve this problem? Often, the other person just wants to vent and you need do nothing more than nod and attempt to show genuine empathy and understanding. Some good responses are, “That sounds difficult,” “How frustrating,” or, “That would upset me, too.” These validating responses are usually much appreciated when accompanied by active listening, with no further action typically necessary.
2. When you attempt to solve someone else’s problem by giving advice or offering action, remember that you don’t want to rob the other person of the opportunity to use their own skills. This is especially important for parents to understand. When your child comes to you with a problem about school, a friend, or anything else, your first response after listening carefully and empathizing should be something along the lines of, “What do you think you’re going to do?” (This is, of course, if venting alone does not solve the problem, which it often does.) Give your child a chance to solve the problem. You’ll be surprised at how often kids come up with satisfactory answers. Since the world is not engineered to be problem-free for anyone, it is a wonderful thing when kids learn that they have good ideas and can take initiative, with parental support, in problem solving.

It can be tiring being the one friends and family go to for relief of daily dramas. Rest assured you can still be a loyal parent, partner, and friend without fixating on someone else’s life.

“What do you think you’re going to do?” works well with roommates and friends, too. Instead of putting your own spin on someone else’s problem, let the person be the one to throw out ideas while you relax and listen. It takes practice, but it will bring you appreciation of others’ thought processes as well as free you from the frustration of being asked for advice that ultimately isn’t taken.

Letting others solve their problems gives you a chance to work on your listening and empathizing skills. You don’t have to be attached to outcomes of others’ situations, since you didn’t provide any hopes, promises, or directions. And think about how gratifying it is to help bring out others’ strengths just by allowing them the opportunity to identify and draw on them. Solution-focused therapy uses these methods as part of its core philosophy. I can’t take away someone’s problems, but I am confident that I can help most people identify and build the skills they need using their own strengths.

When you free yourself from stressing over other people’s problems and hand them back their own hot potatoes, you will find yourself with more time, energy, and emotional resources to take care of yourself. If you need help figuring out which hot potatoes are worth tossing back and which are yours to handle, seek the help of a qualified therapist.

Your mental health affects your overall health more than you may realize. When you are stressed out, angry, or sad, your body suffers, too—whether it be in the form of digestive issues, headaches, back pain, or any number of other physical symptoms.

Most people I meet in my practice want to improve their well-being and increase their daily happiness, but they often feel powerless to make it happen. It can be easy to fall into the trap of thinking that our problems are entirely outside our control or caused by other people. Simply by changing our own actions and establishing new habits, many things may begin to improve. When you are happy and at peace, your body feels better and you’re able to respond to challenging situations in more effective ways.

Unfortunately, many people turn to pills to achieve that outcome. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (2011), about 35 million adults in the United States take antidepressant medication. Medication alone generally won’t make a person feel better, but there is a great deal of research to support the effectiveness of psychotherapy and lifestyle changes, and medication in combination with those things has been shown to be helpful for some people.

Here are five things you can do to start feeling better without the aid of pharmaceuticals:

1. Exercise

I love my workout videos. In one of my favorites, fitness trainer Jillian Michaels says, “When you feel strong in your body, you feel strong in your mind.” I agree, and so does mental health research! Numerous studies have linked regular exercise to improvements in mood and decreased anxiety (e.g., Childs and de Wit, 2014; Aguedelo et. al., 2014; and Shoenfeld et. al., 2013).

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In essence, exercising helps your brain chemicals to work correctly. When they do, many things about your health and well-being improve. Exercise is so good for mental health that, in many studies, it has been shown to be as effective as antidepressant medication (e.g., Blumenthal et. al., 1999). I frequently recommend at least 45 minutes of vigorous exercise—think workout class or a run/jog in the park—about five times a week. Making this part of your routine can help lift your mood, decrease anxiety, boost self-confidence, reduce negative thinking and worries, and improve sleep. Plus, it’s one of the best anti-aging secrets! When you exercise, your body is more effectively oxygenated, which helps prevent signs of aging.

2. Eat ‘Happy’ Foods

“Happy” foods—foods that either improve mood or help to make you feel calmer—can be a bit of a catch-22 because some of these foods help in the moment but make things worse in the long run. These foods are what we often call “comfort foods,” such as macaroni and cheese, pie, and fries. They do work to make you feel better quickly, so they’re an easy trap to fall into.

Researchers believe that comfort foods may be comforting because they alter the brain’s response to sadness. A better strategy, however, is to make a habit of eating foods that build up the brain’s “good chemicals” over time and keep them at healthy levels. These are the foods we often call “super foods,” such as wild salmon (or other fish high in omega-3s but low in mercury), berries (especially blueberries), whole grains, green vegetables (kale is the king of them all), avocado, nuts, and seeds.

3. Volunteer or Make a New Friend

Social support is one of the best predictors of health and longevity. Volunteering is a great way to both get out of your own head (spending too much time in your head may lead to excessive worrying) and to make new friends. Resolve to make at least one new friend this year, and volunteer at least a few hours a month.

4. Understand Your Thinking Style

One of the reasons we sometimes get into a funk—and we all do from time to time—is that we make “thinking errors.” To eliminate these errors, familiarize yourself with what they are and begin to notice when you do them. Thinking errors (sometimes called “unhelpful thinking styles”) can lead to anger, sadness, anxiety, frustration, and low self-esteem.

Below are a few examples:

• Taking things personally: Most people’s reactions to you are about them, not you. For example, if your boss is short-tempered and demanding, it’s more likely related to his or her personality style than to your work performance. If you take it personally, you are likely to begin feeling angry, nervous, or depressed. If instead you can see it for what it is—a particular personality and communication style—you can focus on learning effective ways to work with this type of person.
• Catastrophizing: That’s the fancy name for “making a mountain out of a molehill.” If someone dies, that’s catastrophic, but almost anything short of that is simply a problem to be solved, a challenge to overcome, or something to be understood. When you notice yourself using language like “terrible,” “awful,” and “horrible,” you are probably catastrophizing. Time to shift your words! Instead of saying, “This is horrible! How will I get to work if they can’t fix my car today?” you can say, “Darn, this is really inconvenient, so I need to find a way to solve this problem. Let me start thinking of possible solutions. Maybe my friend Martha can give me a ride.” Here’s another example: Instead of thinking, “It’s terrible that Sophie is so rude to us at meetings,” think to yourself, “Sophie’s rudeness is unpleasant, but maybe she’s not very good at dealing with pressure. I’ll just be kind to her and try to get to know her better. Maybe eventually that will help improve things.”
• Making assumptions and jumping to conclusions: I don’t have any data on this, but I’m pretty sure this leads to many divorces. Partners (on both sides) are very good at making assumptions about the other partners’ thinking, behavior, and intent, and often jump to conclusions. One of my favorite questions in marital therapy is, “Did you ever ask him/her if that’s what he/she was thinking, intended, meant, etc.?” People generally do not check their assumptions, and most of the time their assumptions are wrong.

5. Get Some Sleep

We’re back to the brain chemicals! Your brain needs to sleep because that’s how it regenerates and keeps itself filled with happy brain chemicals. If you are not sleeping well, it can contribute to developing mental health issues or exacerbating existing ones.

Working with a therapist can help you learn effective techniques to calm your mind and relax your body after a busy day.

References:

1. Aguedelo, L.Z., Femenia, T., Orhan, F., et. al. (2014). Skeletal muscle PGC-1α1 modulates kynurenine metabolism and mediates resilience to stress-induced depression. Cell, 159 (1): 33-45. Retrieved from http://www.cell.com/cell/abstract/S0092-8674(14)01049-6
2. Blumenthal, J.A., Babyak, M.A., Moore, K.A., Craighead, W.E., Herman, S., Khatri, P., Waugh, R., Napolitano, M.A., Forman, L.M., Appelbaum, M., Doraiswamy, P.M., and Krishnan, K.R. (1999). Effects of exercise training on older patients with major depression. Archives of Internal Medicine, 159: 19, 2349-56.
3. Childs, E., and de Wit, H. (2014). Regular exercise is associated with emotional resilience to acute stress in healthy adults. Frontiers in Physiology. 5: 161. Retrieved from http://ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4013452/pdf/fphys-05-00161.pdf
4. Pratt, L.A., Brody, D.J., and Giuping, G. (2011). Antidepressant Use in Persons Aged 12 and Over: United States, 2005-2008. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention: NCHS Data Brief, 76. Retrieved from http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/databriefs/db76.pdf
5. Schoenfeld, T.J., Rada, P., Pieruzzini, P.R., Hsuesh, B., and Gould, E. (2013). Physical exercise prevents stress-induced activation of granule neurons and enhances local inhibitory mechanisms in the dentate gyrus. The Journal of Neuroscience. 33 (18): 7770-7777. Retrieved from http://www.jneurosci.org/content/33/18/7770.abstract

Do you allow others to take advantage of you? Do you avoid speaking up for yourself? Well, now’s the time to build your backbone! One that works, doesn’t wobble, and gets stronger when used.

What is a backbone, anyway? A backbone is a symbol of strength in character, an unwillingness to be used or taken for granted, and a firm commitment to uphold one’s decisions and feelings. We’ve all seen and heard of people who have a backbone; they are the strong ones, the ones who get what they want.

How do you know if you have a backbone? Ask yourself these questions:

1. Do you resent someone in your life?
2. Do you feel taken advantage of?
3. Do you often complain but nothing changes?
4. Do you keep all of your emotions in?
5. Do you avoid conflict?
6. Have you said yes when you meant no?
7. Have you allowed your anger to build up and come out in other ways?
8. Have you compromised self-care for others-care?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, you could use a backbone adjustment!

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First, let’s understand why backbone building is so hard. Often, we’ve been hurt and have learned to give in to avoid a conflict or, worse, getting hurt even further. Another possible reason we may not use our backbone is that we lack self-esteem and confidence. But it costs us in the long run: we don’t speak up, we don’t make waves, and we allow ourselves to be treated disrespectfully in order to keep the peace.

The benefits of a backbone are many. A backbone, or confidence in our strength, allows us to feel:

• respected, not used and taken advantage of
• in control of our lives
• empowered, not belittled
• secure, not second guessing ourselves
• confident that we’ve created a life plan—and live it

We may feel a compromised sense of strength in our marriages, our parenting, our work, with our extended family, or with ourselves. In our marriages, our strength is compromised when we ignore important issues, stop communicating, and don’t speak honestly. Similarly, when we are disrespected at work or when parenting, and the issue isn’t resolved, we may feel walked on and relationships may suffer. Our extended family exposes a compromised backbone when we don’t communicate our needs properly to them, when we are available even when our schedule does not allow for it, and when others dictate our lives. We can be compromised with ourselves as well. Haven’t we all been irresponsible, ignored truths, and improperly cared for ourselves?

There are three easy steps to strengthening your backbone.

Deal, Heal, and Reveal

The first step, dealing, means observing when we are being backbone-less. Make a mental note when you shrink, when you feel lowered, and when you inappropriately compromise. Think of the consequences of speaking up, saying no, or quitting. What’s the worst that can happen? Can you deal with the discomfort? If yes, move to step two. If not, repeat step one until you feel stronger.

Step two is about healing. Using your instincts or your gut reaction, make a small decision and stand by it. Say no once. Next, make a few more decisions and say no a few more times. Do not ruminate on past mistakes and decisions. Keep going. Feel yourself getting stronger. Now you know better, and you’ll do better.

Step three is to reveal the new, updated version of you—backbone intact! Use your newfound character firmness to create a life plan with balance and reciprocity. As you gain strength and stand straighter, others will notice. You’ll be respected more, you’ll have more self-esteem, and you’ll no longer be allowing your life to be determined by others. Get out there and grow your backbone!

On November 4, 2014, Oregon resident Jillian McCabe drew international attention when she threw her 6-year-old autistic son to his death, over the side of the Yaquina Bay Bridge. Public response to the horrific event was divided. While some people, particularly parents of disabled or autistic children, advocated vigorous prosecution, others felt pity—pointing to the daunting physical, psychological, and emotional challenges McCabe faced while caring for her family.

Jillian McCabe was a live-in caregiver for her autistic son, as well as her husband who developed multiple sclerosis shortly after their son’s birth. She regularly blogged about the stress and frustration she faced as a caregiver and frequently stated that she was “trying to hold it together.” McCabe complained about hearing voices, which suggests that she may even have been experiencing symptoms of a serious mental health issue. Relatives also reported that she tried to commit suicide several times. Despite McCabe’s efforts to get help, relatives say she did not receive the services she needed.

While these psychological symptoms and the added stress of being a caregiver to multiple people certainly do not excuse an act of murder, it is possible that they played a role in the tragic outcome of the McCabe family. Could preventative steps have been taken?

A Caregiver’s Job Description

An estimated 44 million adults serve as caregivers in the United States today, and the stress can take a toll on their emotional and mental health.

Denver therapist Andrea M. Risi, LPC, a Topic Expert in health, illness, and medical issues, explains, “Caregiving means to help another person who is coping with a disability or illness without being compensated. Important qualities in a caregiver include empathy, patience, and reliability.”

Caregiving is not an easy task. It usually occurs within immediate families, but it can spread to friends and extended family members. A typical caregiver’s job description includes comforting companionship (e.g., conversation, stabilization while walking), domestic assistance (e.g., housekeeping, running errands), and personal care (e.g., bathing, grooming, toileting), without financial compensation.

Caregiving is widely viewed as a vital national health care resource worth an estimated $306 billion annually. However, most caregivers are ill-prepared to effectively fulfill their role, and many do not receive third-party support. Studies show that the strains of caregiving, coupled with a lack of caregiver support, can have serious consequences on a caregiver’s health.

How Caregiving Affects a Person’s Health

The mental, emotional, and physical demands of caring for chronically ill or disabled relatives can be particularly debilitating for caregivers. According to the Family Caregiver Alliance (FCA) (2006), more than one-third of America’s live-in caregivers provide health care assistance to others despite experiencing bad health themselves.

The FCA also reports that caregivers show higher levels of depression than family members who do not have caretaking responsibilities. It is estimated that 25% to 50% of caregivers meet the diagnostic criteria of major depression, and 40% to 70% show significant depressive symptoms. People who fill caregiving roles are also at higher risk of developing concurrent anxiety issues, chronic diseases, and substance dependence.

Caregivers also tend to experience higher levels of stress and frustration. A study by Schulz and Sherwood (2008) posits that caregiving is equipped with all the features of a chronic stress experience with high levels of unpredictability, uncontrollability, vigilance, and physical and psychological strain being major contributing factors. Roughly 26% of caregivers report feeling emotionally drained, and chronic caregiver stress has been linked with cognitive decline, including deficits in attention, memory, and verbal ability.

It is important to note that caregivers tend to go through greater psychological and emotional distress as the care-receiver’s functionality deteriorates (as in the case of a person with dementia), and these feelings might persist even after the care-receiver is placed in a nursing home.

Physical setbacks may also be experienced during caregiving. Caregivers are at greater risk for headaches, bodily pain, obesity, high blood pressure, heart disease, and cancer. Caregiver stress can also contribute to increased mortality. Elderly spousal caregivers (aged 66-96), who are exposed to caregiver stress, have a 63% higher mortality rate than non-caregiving peers of the same age.

How to Help Yourself or Another Caregiver

While the quintessential caregiver role involves the administering of treatment, it must be remembered that caregivers, too, are in need of care. One way for people to effectively manage caregiver stress and depression is to seek the assistance of a therapist.

“Therapy can help the caregiver cope with his or her own feelings about the other person’s illness. Often, involved family or friends have strong opinions about the course of care, and that can add stress to the caregiver. Having an unbiased person to talk to, like a licensed therapist, can help offer the caregiver different perspectives and insights into overseeing the person’s care. It can also help the caregiver deal with the mixed feelings and emotions that come with caregiving,” Risi said.

For individuals experiencing caregiver stress, Risi suggests the following practical points to facilitate effective and healthy caregiving:

• Take care of yourself. It is important for the caregiver to recognize his or her own needs and tend to them first. If you are experiencing burnout, you will not be able to effectively help the person in need of care.[fat_widget_right]
• Ask for help. Caregiving does not have to be solely your responsibility. Some caregivers have a difficult time asking for help from others, but getting support to share the responsibility can help you avoid caregiver burnout.
• Be realistic about the illness and prognosis. Educate yourself and ask questions in order to be prepared for the reality of the illness.
• Use respite care services. A wide range of services are available to give a break to caregivers and can last from a few hours to a few days. Informally, you can ask another family member or a friend to give you a break, but there are formal respite services available in most communities. Use this time to recharge and look after yourself.
• Find emotional support. You can talk with family, trustworthy friends, a support group, your pastor, or a therapist. Having someone to share your feelings with can help ease the burden of caregiving.

Other Caregiver Resources

• The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) provides a variety of education and support programs for family members of a person with a mental health condition, free of cost. These include NAMI Family-to-Family, NAMI Basics, and NAMI Family Support Group.
• For caregivers of people experiencing Alzheimer’s disease, the Alzheimer’s Foundation of America invites you to reach out for care by calling (866) 232-8484 for general information, counseling, and referrals to nationwide resources
• The U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs (VA) provides many resources for caregivers of military veterans. These include a toll-free caregiver support line (855) 260-3274, a caregiver support coordinator, adult day health care centers (ADHC), home-based primary care (HBPC), skilled home care, the homemaker and home health aide program, home telehealth, respite care, and home hospice care.
• Additionally, every Wednesday at 8 a.m., 12 p.m., and 8 p.m. Eastern Time during National Family Caregivers Month in November, the VA invites caregivers for military veterans to call (800) 767-1750, enter access code 73687 and press the # button. Caregivers will be treated to meditation activities on the phone, which will help them relax and restore their balance.

References:

1. Alzheimer’s Foundation of America. (2014). Caregiving tips: Strategies for success. Retrieved from http://www.alzfdn.org/EducationandCare/strategiesforsuccess.html
2. Family Caregiver Alliance. (2006). Caregiver health. Retrieved from https://caregiver.org/caregiver-health
3. Fantz, A. (2014). Mom blogged about son with autism she’s accused of killing. Retrieved from http://edition.cnn.com/2014/11/05/justice/oregon-mother-autism-son-death/index.html
4. National Alliance on Mental Illness. (n.d.). Education, training and peer support center. Retrieved from http://www.nami.org/template.cfm?section=Education_Training_and_Peer_Support_Center
5. Schulz, R. & Sherwood, P. R. (2008). Physical and mental health effects of family caregiving. American Journal of Nursing, 108 (9), 23-27. doi: 1097/01.NAJ.0000336406.45248.4c
6. United States Department of Veteran Affairs. (2014). VA caregiver support. Retrieved from http://www.caregiver.va.gov/support/support_services.asp

We have all had a case of the blues. You know, those times in our lives where the world looks bleak and things just don’t seem to be going in our favor. No matter how hard we try to turn things around, it seems to end up as wasted effort and all we can do is throw our hands up and ask, “Why me?” But as much as we resist our sadness, anger, frustration, or grief, it is often during these dark moments when we come to realize we have the greatest opportunity for transformation.

Finding yourself in a funk you cannot seem to shake?

Here are 15 tips to transform your bad mood and learn from it in the process:

1. Acknowledge and accept it: You have probably heard the phrase “resistance is futile.” Fighting against negative feelings will not make them go away. If you find yourself in a dark room, you will not make it light by pretending it is not dark. You must, at some point, acknowledge that it is dark before you search for light. In order to change your mood, you must first admit to yourself how you are feeling.
   
2. Reframe your bad mood: Every experience can serve as a lesson. When you experience mood changes, examine the triggers behind your emotions and try to reframe your thinking. Emotional reactions can teach us a great deal about our personal values and desires. Rather than see your bad mood as an enemy, reframe it as a friend that’s there to help you learn about yourself and grow as a person.
3. Cultivate gratitude: When you find yourself waking up in a bad mood, try focusing on what you are grateful for. Many people tend to focus on a bad event or situation that isn’t unfolding according to plan, rather than looking at all the good things surrounding the event or situation. Taking a few moments to build a simple list of things you are thankful for each day can greatly improve your mood and change your outlook.
   
4. Monitor your thoughts: If you seem to always be in a bad mood, start monitoring your thoughts for negativity. Our thoughts typically precede our emotions. If we consistently engage in negative self-talk, it is virtually impossible to feel good about ourselves. Try to remain aware of your thoughts throughout the day, or consider keeping a journal to help you shift your negative thoughts into positive affirmations.
   
5. Remember, you are not your emotions: It’s easy to get so caught up in emotions that we become them. We often hear people say, “I’m angry,” rather than “I have anger.” Emotions are passing experiences. When we can become the witness consciousness—able to observe closely without reactivity or judgment—and separate ourselves from our emotions, it is easier to stay centered and at peace.
   
6. Exercise: Exercising releases endorphins, which create a positive feeling in the body. Regular exercise has been shown to improve mood, alleviate symptoms of anxiety and depression, and reduce stress.
   
7. Meditate: Meditation not only helps us monitor our thoughts and feelings, but it also brings us into the present moment. Many times, when you are in a bad mood, it might be over something that occurred yesterday or even last week. When we come into the present moment, we can experience a sense of freedom and peace.
8. Try something new: The daily grind of life can start to feel mundane, and a lack of stimulation or excitement can contribute to a bad mood. Novelty awakens the senses and sparks our curiosity. Try something you’ve never done and enjoy the benefits of shaking up your routine.
9. Talk to someone: Sometimes, simply speaking your thoughts aloud and sharing your feelings with others may help you feel better. Consider talking to someone you trust, such as a friend, family member, or qualified therapist.
10. Get creative with your emotion: Emotions are meant to be expressed, not repressed. When you feel like you are in a bad mood, try using your favorite creative means to express your feelings. Write a poem, play an instrument, draw, paint, dance, or craft—whatever moves you.
    
11. Spend time in nature: Spending time outside naturally relieves stress. Sunlight, fresh air, and living plants tend to provide us with a sense of invigoration and aliveness. Going outside also gives us a great excuse to exercise. Try going for a bike ride or a walk or hike in the woods next time you feel down in the dumps.
    
12. Pay it forward: Giving evokes feelings of gratitude and promotes feelings of goodwill. Giving is also known to release oxytocin, a feel-good hormone in the brain. Shifting your focus away from yourself and onto someone you care about may help you gain perspective and feel a stronger connection to others.
    
13. Focus on self-care: When you’re down in the dumps, it is easy to let your self-care regimen fall apart. Taking care of ourselves is essential to making sure that we feel good physically, emotionally, and mentally. Among other important things, make sure you’re eating a healthy diet, getting plenty of rest, and effectively managing your stress.
    
14. Set attainable goals: Studies have shown that people experiencing depression often set unrealistic goals. While setting goals is a great way to motivate oneself, setting unattainable goals will only increase our feelings of dissatisfaction and hopelessness. Consider working with a life coach or therapist to help you create realistic goals and set them into action.
    
15. Forgive yourself: Sometimes when we ask ourselves, “Why am in a bad mood?” we may find it is due to feelings of shame, regret, or guilt over mistakes we have made in the past. Forgiving ourselves is typically more difficult than forgiving others. Remind yourself that you are human and that life is a learning process. Let go of your mistakes and focus on how you can do better in the future.

Know When You Need Help

[fat_widget_right]If you have tried unsuccessfully to improve your mood and nothing seems to work, consider reaching out for help. Depression and chronic bad moods can seriously affect a person’s quality of life and lead to more serious mental health issues. The great news is that depression is highly treatable, with 80% to 90% of those who seek treatment reporting relief. If mood changes persist for a long period of time or you continue to feel down, consider finding a therapist or counselor near you.

References:

1. Public Broadcasting Service. (n.d.). Depression out of the shadows. Retrieved from http://www-tc.pbs.org/wgbh/takeonestep/depression/pdf/dep_stats.pdf
2. Strunk, D., Lopez, H., & DeRubeis, R. (2006). Depressive symptoms are associated with unrealistic negative predictions of future life events. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 44. Retrieved November 28, 2014, from https://psychology.sas.upenn.edu/system/files/Strunk Behav Res Ther 2006 Negative Predictions.pdf
3. Zak PJ, Stanton AA, Ahmadi S (2007). Oxytocin increases generosity in humans. PLoS ONE 2(11): doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0001128

For many people, however, constant worry can become a serious problem, leading to both mental and physical health issues. Our causes of stress can include, among others, high demands at work, family problems, financial difficulties, traumatic events, divorce, illness, or the loss of a loved one. Unfortunately, many people deal with these types of issues in unhealthy ways by overeating, drinking or using drugs, excessive caffeine consumption, becoming a workaholic, or developing chronic anxiety or depression.

In order to deal with stress in a healthy manner, we need to implement some self-care strategies into our lives. The following are some effective ways of reducing the stress we face on a daily basis:

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1. Create a healthy work-life balance. If you are a workaholic constantly trying to complete the next project, learn to set some limits for yourself. Technology often allows us to continue to work even after we’ve gone home for the day. We need to learn to establish healthier boundaries, however, in order to avoid becoming burned out or getting sick. Determine a cutoff time for work so that you can decompress at the end of the day and enjoy some much-needed leisure time. Learning more effective time-management strategies can also be helpful.
2. Establish your priorities. If you find yourself with too many commitments and not enough time to get them all done, take time out to consider which ones can be delegated or eliminated and keep only the ones that are most important for you.
3. Include self-care practices in your daily routine. Make sure you incorporate some time in your schedule each day to nourish your body and soul. Even if you have only a few moments to spare, you can enjoy a warm bath, listen to relaxing music, or watch the sunset.
4. Engage in a physical activity several times a week. Going for a jog or working out are great ways to get rid of excessive stress. If you don’t have time to go to the gym, take a walk around the block on your lunch hour. Moving our bodies can keep us physically fit and healthier, which can make us feel better emotionally as well.
5. Spend some time in nature whenever possible. A change of scenery is always helpful for changing our viewpoint about whatever is troubling us. Enjoying a trip to the park, watching the waves at the beach, or gazing at the stars are all wonderful ways to commune with nature that can help us to put our problems into perspective.
6. Avoid emotional eating. When we feel stressed out, we often have a tendency to try to comfort ourselves by eating unhealthy foods, which only leads to negative feelings about ourselves afterward. Become more mindful of your eating habits when you are dealing with pressure, and have some healthy snacks on hand to fall back on rather than reaching for another doughnut or cookie.
7. Limit time spent on social media. When you have already spent a full day at work, try to avoid spending too much of your leisure time connected to yet another computer or device. Allow yourself to connect with your friends on social media for a limited amount of time each day and then unplug and unwind. Many people spend too much of their time online, which contributes to their already stressful days.
8. Practice meditation or relaxation techniques. Start a meditation practice, which can lead to lowered stress levels and a sense of greater equanimity. If sitting in meditation feels too daunting for you, practicing relaxation for 10 minutes a day can bring about many healing benefits for your mind and body. Numerous relaxation CDs are available to help you get started.
9. Be creative! Once a week, try to set aside some time to do a hobby or other activity that you enjoy. Exercising our creative muscles is enjoyable and can also help to generate new ideas and solutions to problems you may be dealing with.

Stress is an ongoing issue that we all have to deal with. If we do not find healthy ways in which to handle our daily pressures, they may end up taking a toll on our physical and mental health. If you have tried some or all of the suggestions listed above and are still having difficulties dealing with stress, you may want to consider talking to an empathic other, whether this be a friend, family member, or therapist, in order to obtain the help needed to start to experience a more peaceful frame of mind, even in the midst of an otherwise hectic life.

The other day I was supposed to meet a dear old friend. The last few times we had plans, she canceled last minute because her mother, now 86, needed something. I understood, of course. This time she didn’t cancel, but she did tell me we’d have to meet for breakfast and it would have to be a quick one because it was her weekend to have her mother at the house and she didn’t want to leave her alone for long. This time, I opened my mouth.

“It seems like you have put your life on hold a lot lately, and your siblings don’t seem to do that. When do you get to have a life?” I must have struck a chord because she burst into tears.

“There just isn’t time for me,” she said.

Sound familiar?

With a growing number of people living longer and more adult children caring for them, this has become an issue of epic proportion. For those who have assumed the major responsibility of caretaking for an elderly parent (or two), their overwhelming needs can become a full-time job. Women especially fall prey to the feeling that they must take care of those around them before tending to their own needs (though more and more men are also facing this dilemma).

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The analogy I like to use—whether in relation to a child, partner, or dependent elder—is the following: when you are flying on a plane, they tell parents to put their oxygen masks on first, and afterward to put on their child’s. The idea being that, when we first take care of ourselves, we can be better caretakers—not negligent, as we may often feel ourselves to be. Sometimes we are so busy “giving” that we don’t even realize we’ve got nothing left to give!

So, what are some basic guidelines for self-care when you are a caretaker?

• Recognize that the more you give, the more you are expected to give. I observe this phenomenon in all aspects of daily life: the person who takes on the lion’s share will be expected to do more and more, while the absentee parties will be not only exempted from expectations, but often excused with understanding for their lack of participation. To combat this, maintain healthy boundaries. This means sometimes saying “no” to taking a loved one to an appointment and “forcing” them to call a less active sibling or friend who they never want to “bother” (though of course they think nothing of “bothering” you!). It also means scheduling your own activities and sometimes expecting that person to work around your schedule. This isn’t mean; it’s establishing that you have a life and your time and energy need to be honored and valued.
• Dependence creates dependence. Encourage your loved one to be engaged in something he or she enjoys. Ideally it would be great to have at least one activity outside the home (community transportation is often available, so you don’t necessarily have to drive). The person can join a community center, take a class, spend time at another sibling’s house for the weekend, etc. This not only frees up your time, but also helps foster your loved one’s independence and happiness, which makes for a much more harmonious interaction with you.
• Keep in mind that this person may live for a long time and you can’t put your life on hold forever. I have a friend who has been retired since age 62 and has postponed her plan to relocate until her mother passes away. She never dreamed her mother would live so long (she’s now 96!), and now she regrets not having relocated herself and her mother years ago. I’m not suggesting you dump your parent so you can go out partying, but rather that you figure in your own needs as much as his or hers as you plan for the long term as well as the minutiae of daily life.
• Get help! Don’t take on everything yourself. I often hear about parents who want only their adult child (usually a female) to deal with their daily needs. But sometimes it is too much. Get a helper, companion, home aide, or something to spread the care around. Many elderly (and chronically ill people) who are fortunate enough to live in their own homes or their children’s can take for granted what goes into this process. You can also find many useful websites and organizations that can support you in being a caretaker. A support group can be a wonderful addition to your self-care routine.

Many, many people are caring for elderly parents, whether in their own homes or supporting them so they can stay in their homes. Know that you are not alone, and that this can be both a wonderful, enriching experience as well as a deeply challenging one. The more you take care of yourself, the more rewarding—and less depleting—it will be.

Have you ever busted out in good, hearty laughter for a couple of minutes and then felt a rush of blissful joy? You know the kind of laugh we’re talking about; the one where you have a tough time catching your breath, your stomach and cheeks hurt, and your eyes water like crazy. It is this kind of laugh that often leaves us feeling wonderful, and perhaps even a little exhausted afterward. But did you know that laughing like this is also great for your health? Want even more good news? So is smiling.

Smiles and laughter have been proven in multiple studies to benefit a person’s wellness, and these two simple actions can also dramatically change the way others perceive you. If it has been a while since you enjoyed a good chuckle or shared an ear-to-ear grin, it is time to turn that frown upside down and get busy doing things that make you smile and laugh.

Here are four reasons to get you started:

1. Laughter Is Medicine and Improves the Body’s Functioning Almost Like Exercise

[fat_widget_right]You may have heard from Reader’s Digest that laughter is the best medicine. Well, in many ways that old saying is true. Physiologically, we change as we laugh. When you bust out in laughter, your heart rate goes up and your breathing rate increases, which gets more oxygen flow to the cells and gives your muscles a big stretch.

Dr. William Fry, a leading researcher of the psychology of laughter at Stanford University, discovered that it took him 10 minutes of rowing to get his heart rate up to the level that hardcore laughter achieved in just one minute.

In other studies, people struggling with illness, depression, anxiety, and other conditions who incorporated more laughter into their lives reported drops in blood pressure rates, stronger immune systems, and less stress.

2. Laughter Releases Endorphins

Endorphins are the “feel good” chemicals that are released when you exercise, and research asserts that endorphins are also released during a good laugh. A 2006 study by Lee S. Berk of Loma Linda University demonstrated the mere anticipation of laughter was enough to release endorphins.

There is even a new type of yoga quickly gaining popularity called Laughter Yoga, in which participants are led through laughter exercises. Laughter Yoga emphasizes the benefits of increased endorphins and utilizes laughter to reduce stress, encourage a positive attitude, and improve a person’s health.

3. Smiling and Laughter Improve the Way Others See You

If you laugh and smile more, it improves your overall quality of life by changing the way people perceive you. A study that built on previous research about the effect smiling has on others (1994) found that smiling is a universal response that is understood among human beings. Smiling indicates happiness, which is one of six basic emotions universally presented and understood across cultures.

In this study, students were asked to evaluate slides of males and females smiling or displaying other facial expressions. The students were then asked to rate the slides on 12 adjectives: optimism, conciliation, calmness, reliability, leadership, happiness, intelligence, attractiveness, beauty, sympathy, sincerity, and kindness. The only trait that was not found to have a significant positive correlation to smiling was leadership, which seemed to be more affected by the manner in which the subject was smiling (head tilted, closed lip smile, etcetera).

4. Laughter and Smiling Can Help Relieve Pain

A study published in 2010 examined the therapeutic value of laughter in medicine. One of the pieces of research this study built on was that of Norman Cousins, who published an article titled “Anatomy of an Illness” in the New England Journal of Medicine in 1976. This article serves as the basis of most research concerning laughter and health care.

Cousins was diagnosed with a severe form of arthritis called ankylosing spondylitis. This condition primarily causes painful inflammation of the spinal joints, leading to chronic pain and discomfort. Cousins theorized that adding laughter to his health care routine would help and began introducing a heavy dose of “Candid Camera” and comedies into his regimen. He found that this daily serving of humor helped him sleep comfortably—more than he had been able to previously. He said, “It worked. I made the joyous discovery that 10 minutes of genuine belly laughter had an anesthetic effect and would give me at least two hours of pain-free sleep.”

And as for the 2010 study that quoted Cousins’ finding? It concluded that there is “sufficient evidence to suggest that laughter has some positive, quantifiable effects on certain aspects of health … Add laughter to your working and daily life, remember to laugh regularly, share your laughs, and help others laugh too.”

When you feel down in the dumps, remember that you have an absolutely free, potent form of medicine available to help you relieve some of your symptoms. The acts of smiling and laughing can be healing, cathartic, and great for your health—even if you have to force it.

Smile and say hello to those you pass. Watch a comedy film or television show or attend a live stand-up comedy show. If you cannot shake the bad mood you are in, get around those that make you laugh. Laughter, after all, is contagious. As you become mindful of the positive effects of smiling and laughing, you may notice that your days feel lighter and a few laughs and smiles are aimed back at you.

References:

1. Griffin, R. (n.d.). Give your body a boost–with laughter. Retrieved October 7, 2014, from http://www.webmd.com/balance/features/give-your-body-boost-with-laughter
2. Mora-Ripoll, R. (2010). The therapeutic value of laughter in medicine. Alternative Therapies in Health and Medicine, 16(6), 56-64. Retrieved from http://search.proquest.com/docview/808403188?accountid=1229
3. Otta, E., Lira, B. B. P., Delevati, N. M., Cesar, O. P., & Pires, C. S. G. (1994). The effect of smiling and of head tilting on person perception. The Journal of Psychology, 128(3), 323-31. Retrieved from http://search.proquest.com/docview/213818302?accountid=1229
4. Psychophysiology: just the expectation of a mirthful laughter experience boosts endorphins. (n.d.). Retrieved October 1, 2014, from http://www.healinglaughter.org/blog/psychophysiology-just-the-expectation-of-a-mirthful-laughter-experience-boosts-endorphins

Americans are famous for being a hard-working bunch, taking the fewest paid vacation days off. I, for one, spent the summer studying advanced yoga therapy techniques on weekends, and working during the week, especially during the months of June and August. But I made sure to take some time off at the beginning and again at the end of the season so I could relax a bit, and I’m glad I did. Studying ways to help people relax is hard work, and it can be pretty stressful!

What did I learn at yoga school? I studied what happens to your body when it is subjected to relentless stress, and the importance of learning how to relax and let go. The stress response works great if you’re running away from a hungry tiger, but prolonged stress is bad for you because it weakens the body and the brain.

This is why:

1. Your adrenal glands pump adrenaline, which raises your heart rate, your blood pressure, and increases the amount of sugar in your blood. Your adrenal cortex sends out cortisol, part of the stress response. This helps you run fast when you’re escaping the tiger, but when it becomes habitual and there aren’t any tigers to run away from, it is destructive.
2. Stress kills brain cells; a calm environment permits their growth. It is not true that brain cells stop growing when you’re an adult, they just grow more slowly. So help them out and give them a nice place to live.
3. Stress is associated with depression and anxiety. No fun.
4. Your immune system doesn’t work as well as it should. Ah-choo!
5. The right amount of stress is beneficial, but too much is deadly.

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That’s why relaxation is as important as eating well and getting enough exercise and should be part of your regular health routine. It’s a way to take care of yourself and show yourself some love. So if it’s not a part of your usual day, you might want to think about adding it to your program. Don’t have much time? I bet you can find five or 10 minutes to call your own if you look hard.

Maybe your family is demanding. Make some demands of your own in return. You need a break just as much as anyone needs anything.

Working hard for a tyrannical boss? Find a way to make your work environment more pleasant. Look around and see if there’s some small thing you can do to make things better for you—adding a foot rest, for example, if your seat is too high for you, or wearing really comfortable shoes if you spend a lot of time on your feet.

One powerful relaxation technique is restorative yoga. Like all yoga, the sequence is based on bending forward, backward, sideways, and twisting. The difference is that these poses are held for a long time—five or even 10 minutes. You place yourself in a pose, child’s pose, for example, but your body is supported by bolsters so that you are in complete and absolute comfort.

I invite you to try the restorative version of child’s pose. Start child pose the usual way, but with the short end of a bolster in front of you, and then fold over it lengthwise so your body is supported by the bolster. There are many such adaptations of yoga poses you may already know. You can get DVDs that will show you how, but I think if you are able, it’s best to visit a class or two and learn directly from a teacher.

Finally, if you absolutely can’t stop the worried, anxious chatter in your brain and you’re always wired, consider seeing a therapist for some help.

Below are some of my favorite ways to relax. Like everyone, I need time out for myself, even if it’s only a few minutes. I don’t always feel like I have to respond immediately to help other people. I need to take care of myself first, and you do, too.

1. Take warm, relaxing baths.
2. Go for a walk in the park.
3. Water and admire your plants.
4. Fill the room with a lovely scent.
5. Take a yoga class, or give yourself one.
6. Meditate.
7. Read.
8. Listen to music.
9. Have a nice visit with someone.
10. Watch television.
11. Go swimming.
12. Breathe.
13. Give yourself enough time to do things, so you’re not always rushing.
14. Laugh. This is very important. Among other things, laughter opens up the airways and pumps fresh air into your lungs. Also, it’s fun.
15. Dance.
16. Jog.
17. Pet the cat, dog, or other pets.

I bet you have many other favorite ways to relax, things you enjoy doing. The secret is to remember to do them. Helping others helps with your stress, by the way, so why not post your favorite ways to relax and give us more ideas? (If you feel like it, that is!)

References:

1. Berzin, R. (2014, July 20). 10 Reasons Why Stress Is The Most Dangerous Toxin In Your Life. Retrieved from http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-14560/10-reasons-why-stress-is-the-most-dangerous-toxin-in-your-life.html
2. Krantz, D., Thorn, B., & Kiecolt-Glaser, J. (2013). How Stress Affects Your Health. Retrieved from http://www.apa.org/helpcenter/stress-facts.pdf

Sleep is not only important for your child’s rest and rejuvenation, good sleep is essential to healthy development. Sleep problems affect a child’s mood, ability to cope, and academic performance. Sufficient sleep can promote emotional resilience and keener senses.

Quality vs. Quantity

Sleep scientists tell us that preschoolers need 11 to 13 hours of sleep each night, while children ages 5 to 12 need 10 to 11 hours. Making sure your child gets enough sleep can be a demanding task, but it’s one that reaps almost instant rewards. Well-rested children learn better, play better, and even sleep better the next night.

However, sleep is gauged by both quantity and quality. Scientists view our nightly slumber in terms of the stages of brain-wave activity and physiology that punctuate the course of a night’s sleep. These stages progress in predictable patterns known as sleep cycles. Sleep quality is a way of evaluating the health of our sleep cycles.

Sleep Cycle

A typical sleep cycle starts when your child feels drowsy, resulting in light sleep. Next, he or she enters a longer period of deep sleep, which is followed by a shorter period of rapid eye movement (REM) sleep. He or she dreams during REM sleep, and then the cycle begins again, starting with drowsiness or very light sleep. Your child will go through four to six (or more) sleep cycles during the night.

If his or her sleep is disturbed mid-cycle, and/or he or she has incomplete sleep cycles, or if he or she sleeps too lightly or wakes too easily, his or her sleep quality will be poor, independent of number of hours of sleep. This may lead to mood swings and/or difficulty with concentration, and over time, long-term health can be threatened.

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Sleep Solutions

Here are five strategies that may help your child get the quantity and quality of sleep he or she needs:

1. Dim the lights.

Surprisingly, it’s not simply seeing light that wakes us in the morning. In fact, it is a specific wavelength of blue light that starts the process. Sunlight, as well as the light emitted by fluorescent bulbs, television, and computer and smart phone screens, contains blue wavelengths that trigger a waking response in our brains.

Exposing your child to these artificial light sources during the hour before bed can make falling asleep harder, and diminish the quality of sleep by curtailing the production of the sleep hormone melatonin. Even nonfluorescent lights can trigger this effect when the source is overhead, so avoiding the use of ceiling lights and tall floor lamps can help.

In place of watching nighttime TV and movies, have your child listen to stories. The tradition of reading bedtime stories out loud is perfect. If you are not in the mood to read, try an electronic book or gentle music.

For an older child who uses a computer or other electronics at night for homework, consider using an app or program that both dims screens at sunset and adjusts the output spectrum to include very little blue. The app will typically return the screen to its normal color mode and brightness at sunrise. The app described is shareware called f.lux.

2. Provide a calm environment.

A calming, soothing bedroom environment can be remarkably effective in helping your child fall asleep. To create a peaceful environment, reduce visual stimuli. If you are thinking of painting or redecorating, try using calm or soft colors. Set lamps on low bedside tables. Reducing clutter can help, too.

To provide a calm environment when siblings share a room, try a white-noise machine, or, if necessary, remove one child until the other can sleep well on his or her own.

If sleep is especially difficult to attain, stricter measures may be needed. Associating the bed with sleep can make a big difference and change how your child relates with his or her sleep environment. This entails pairing the bed with the activity of sleep, similar to how Ivan Pavlov paired a bell with meal time in his famous dog experiments.

Pairing the bed with sleep means that your child must use his or her bed only for sleeping—not to watch television in, eat in, or even play on. That way, whether he or she sees or lies in bed, his or her body will know the bed is meant for sleep. If sleep continues to be elusive, it may be time to seek the help of a licensed mental health or medical professional.

3. Establish a routine and stick with it.

A bedtime routine means consistently doing the same activities before bed, at or very close to the same time, every night. The activities can be as simple as teeth-brushing and pajama donning, as typical as a bedtime story, or as elaborate as a scented bath, followed by soothing music and a back massage. Whether simple or elaborate, a consistently applied routine will help your child have an easier time falling asleep and staying asleep.

A sleep routine also supports the circadian clock in your child’s brain. This is because over time your child’s brain associates the time of day and bedtime prep activities with sleep, so when the routine is started, the brain gears up for sleep while he or she completes the bedtime tasks.

One word of caution: a bedtime routine can be easier to establish than maintain. It helps if everyone in the household is on board. To set the stage for success, create a sleep schedule that can be consistently manageable, even if a parent is absent or the child is away from home.

An optimal routine starts the countdown between 30 and 60 minutes before bedtime. Timing is basic to routines, and while some flexibility is great, keeping bedtime at 9 p.m. or earlier is strongly recommended for children 12 and younger.

4. Substitute soda or hot chocolate with chamomile tea or warm milk.

What goes into your child’s body can impact how he or she sleeps, and understanding how different foods impact sleep can have life-long benefits.

Chamomile tea and warm milk each have ingredients that promote relaxation. Even if your child can fall asleep after drinking caffeine, his or her sleep cycles may not be as complete.

Teach your child to understand and respect his or her body. A healthy body supports healthy sleep. For example, he or she may need exercise during the day in order to sleep well at night.

Also, naps count. If your child still needs a nap, to have real value the nap must be at the right time. An optimal duration and time for napping is about 30 minutes between 2 p.m. and 5 p.m. Avoid napping between 7 a.m. and noon or after 6 p.m.

5. Teach your child how to self-soothe and relax.

Children get stressed too, and worries or tension can make it difficult to fall and stay asleep. In part, this is because stress is correlated with high cortisol levels, and high cortisol can inhibit sleep. However, when your child’s body moves into a relaxed state, cortisol levels reduce.

A healthy bedtime routine can reduce anxiety associated with sleep. Soothing and relaxation exercises don’t need to take a lot of time out of the routine. Adding just five to 10 minutes of a relaxing activity can make a difference. Relaxation techniques can include a muscle tension/relaxation exercise, a guided visualization, or listening to gentle music.

Massage and similar modalities can also help (for some children, a back rub is always welcome). Likewise, warm baths have long been believed to help induce asleep, and they’re a great part of the bedtime routine.

There’s another benefit to bedtime baths. They’re not only a way to keep your child clean and cozy, science has shown that a result of bathing is a drop in core body temperature, which helps to start the sleep cycle. An ideal bath time is first on the routine, at least an hour prior to sleep, so that your child’s body has time to cool down before he or she hits the sheets.

Research has demonstrated that a lavender scent can be effective at promoting relaxation, and thus works as a sleep aid. Try a drop of lavender essential oil in the bath water, or place a few on drops on the shower floor (scent will rise).

References:

1. Abbott, S. M., Arnold, J. M., Chang, Q., Miao, H., Ota, N., Cecala, C., … Gillette, M. (2013, August). Signals from the Brainstem Sleep/Wake Centers Regulate Behavioral Timing via the Circadian Clock. PLoS ONE, 8(8), 1-11.
2. BBC Worldwide Ltd. (2009). Films on Demand collection. 10 things you should know about sleep.
3. Institute of Medicine (US) Committee on Sleep Medicine and Research; Colten HR, Altevogt BM, editors. Sleep Disorders and Sleep Deprivation: An Unmet Public Health Problem. Washington (DC): National Academies Press (US); 2006. 2, Sleep Physiology. RetrievedAugust 16, 2014, from: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK19956/
4. Meltzer, L. (2010, Jul-Sep). Key procedural elements for the treatment of behavioral insomnia of childhood. Chart. Behavioral Sleep Medicine, 8(3), 177.
5. Mindell, J. A., Meltzer, L. J., Carskadon, M. A., Chervin, R. D. (2009, August). Developmental Aspects of Sleep Hygiene: Findings from the 2004 National Sleep Foundation Sleep in America Poll. Sleep Medicine, 10(7), 771-779.
6. National Sleep Foundation (2014). Children and Sleep. Retrieved August 13, 2014, from http://sleepfoundation.org/sleep-topics/children-and-sleep

Psst. I have a little secret for you. Don’t let anyone know I told you this: Be selfish. I know that sounds like terrible advice. In fact, it’s the extreme opposite of what our mothers told us growing up. What we learned was: to be selfish was a terrible thing; a dirty name; a personality trait that no good girl or boy would ever want to be accused of owning. That word can also be a wonderful tool for inducing shame and getting people to behave the way you want them to. If it were an archaic word, growing dusty on the shelf of our childhood, rarely used, I wouldn’t write this article. Instead, that word is so commonly thrown about, tossed from husband to wife, mother to child, our self to our self, leaving guilt, shame, and self-doubt in its wake, that it demands investigation.

The Webster’s Dictionary definition of selfish is: “Devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one’s own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others …” If we look at the definition closely, we can see what all those mothers were upset about: “caring only for oneself,” “concerned primarily with one’s own …” and “… regardless of others.” Those phrases do sound pretty heartless, bringing the image of Scrooge to mind. But the rest, “caring for oneself” and “concerned with one’s interests, benefits, welfare, etc.,” address a way of being that we all are, or should be, instinctually doing: taking care of ourselves. That makes it a little confusing; the word “selfish” contains both something integral to human safety, and a harsh censure against it.

This is not to say there aren’t people who act within the literal definition of “selfish,” and whoshould be made aware that their behavior is harmful to themselves and others. I’m concerned about the nonliteral, inappropriate use of the word “selfish.” I worry about the people, so wary of incurring condemnation for their actions and receiving the title of “selfish,” that they confuse healthy behavior with unhealthy, and become immobilized.

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The phrase “self-care” is the argument for the necessity of taking care of our physical and emotional well-being, becoming much more popular and widely used in recent years, encouraging people to take better care of themselves: getting regular check-ups, eating healthy foods, getting adequate sleep, enjoying their favorite activities and so on. Even if people are aware of the necessity of self-care, especially in regards to emotional well-being, it may still be hard to do.

We need to take care of ourselves, but too many people don’t. The reasons are numerous; usually stemming from lessons learned in childhood, possibly suggesting a history of neglect, low self-esteem, poor role models, and more than we can consider here. Those deep personal reasons, in combination with society’s excessive concern about not being “selfish,” may stop many people from taking care of themselves in the ways they should.

The truth is, the way the word is misused, everything we do for ourselves could be considered selfish if there is another person who doesn’t want us to do it. But what if the action we are attempting to take is important, healthy, and necessary, and the desire of the other person to stop us from doing it is selfish? No, disregarding others is not an accurate measure to determine whether you are being selfish. Sometimes we must disregard others in order to take care of ourselves. That can be an extremely difficult thing to do.

I’m sure you’ve had numerous experiences of putting your needs ahead of someone else’s: disappointing the cook by resisting the cake, refusing your child to care for yourself, saying no to the friend and yes to you. On the other hand, how many of you have regretfully eaten that cake, given in to the child, or sacrificed your own wishes for your friend’s? And if these are the small choices, how well do we manage the major ones? People acquiesce to having children they don’t want, pursuing careers they didn’t choose, marrying partners they don’t love. This doesn’t lead to happiness for anyone involved.

If we become so afraid to take care of ourselves because we fear being judged, then who is supposed to take care of us? Having received harsh warnings about selfishness, many people become dependent on others for their happiness. They hope others will know what they need and will provide it. This can become a helpless position to be in, hindering the individual’s self-awareness and self-efficacy.

It seems both a heavy burden and a confusing task to ignore your wants and needs and to instead focus on guessing and fulfilling the wants and needs of others, all while expecting others to be doing the same for you. It’s like the adage, “You wash my back and I’ll wash yours,” except that in this case, they can’t wash their backs unless the other person does it for them. Wouldn’t it make more sense if we, who should know ourselves better than anyone else, were responsible for taking care of our own needs?

So my suggestion next time the word “selfish” comes up, either with another person or with you, is that instead of shame and shutdown it leads to thought and exploration. “Selfish” can lead to greater insight into yourself or your relationships. “Selfish” should be examined on a case-by-case basis, examined to see if the accuser is attempting to get their own way, examined as a guide to what you really want, examined to see if you really are being inconsiderate of others, examined in order to generate solutions that could satisfy both parties, or, if that fails, examined to see if your personal need is important enough to you that you must proceed regardless of the other.

“Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live.” —Oscar Wilde

Life is a far more predictably bumpy ride than anything you are likely to encounter in your daily commute, so why not fasten your emotional safety belt to keep you feeling a bit more protected?

Start by assessing your level of psychological safety right now. Just sit back, close your eyes, and ask yourself: “On a scale of one to 10, with 10 being the most safe, where would I place myself in this moment?”

Next, get more specific. Grab a piece of paper and write down your thoughts on:

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• What makes me feel safe in my body?
• What makes me feel safe in my relationships?
• What makes me feel safe financially?
• What keeps me rooted, balanced, and secure?
• What anchors me spiritually?
• How do I create emotional safety in the face of internal or external disturbances?
• What can I do to make my home feel like a sanctuary?
• How can I enhance my sense of safety in all areas of my life?
• When do I notice myself feeling unsafe?

Once you have taken the time to look at what helps or hampers your sense of safety, you can willfully choose to seek or avoid those things that make you feel safe or unsafe.

Luckily, there are many ways to increase your sense of safety. Some will seem fairly easy and straightforward, while others might be quite challenging. Some can benefit from tangible modifications, others are more elusive and slippery. Some you can implement on your own, and others, especially those involving long-held patterns, might be easier to eclipse with a therapist.

Before you delve into all the psychological and situational triggers that might be conspiring to leave you feeling emotionally wobbly, try the following exercise:

Starting at either the crown of your head and working down, or the soles of your feet and working up, start noticing whatever physical feelings you can. It might be tension, tingling, heat, cold, numbness, tightness, clamminess, itchiness, pressure, pain, emptiness, burning, humming, motion, twitchiness, or even a scent, color, or shape.

Once you describe it, just sit with it. Allow yourself to have that experience without judging, criticizing, or trying to push it away. This enables you to bypass the story behind what you might be feeling and let yourself mindfully attend to this moment. Usually, a sense of balance, calm, or safety will come over you.

If there are certain people in whose company you feel unsafe, consider steering clear of them. Remember, it pays to pay attention to your intuition. If seeing someone fills you with dread, it may be best to avoid that person until you feel differently. While therapy can help, there are situations that time itself will heal, and others that will never feel good.

Since there is not one right or wrong way to live, only the right way for you in any given moment, it is crucial to give yourself permission to act on what feels right for you today. If that brings up guilt, anger, depression, anxiety, or grief, sit with your feelings. Allow yourself to feel them in your body and to examine what you are telling yourself, especially the repetitive thoughts. If you feel overwhelmed, please contact a therapist.

Practicing sitting with discomfort is one thing, but having trouble coping is another. On the other hand, just because a feeling is unpleasant doesn’t mean it’s unworkable. Learning to find safety in yourself, even when waves of intense feelings wash over you, is a skill you can hone every time something difficult arises.

One way to skillfully navigate unpleasant emotions that make you feel unsafe is to remind yourself how transitory everything is. Most people find that hard to embrace, as it implies all the great, wonderful, ecstatic feelings you love so much wane along with the undesirable ones, but it’s really a small price to pay for a greater sense of equanimity.

Try some of these ideas and let me know how they work for you.

Note: If you are in a situation where you feel physically or psychologically abused, please get help. There are many free resources and shelters available.