[fat_widget_relationships_right]Depending on your therapist and his or her approach to couples therapy, sex may never come up. That, however, is not always the case. Sometimes discussing sex may help the couple strengthen the relationship and the therapist could suggest sex therapy if necessary. If sex is part of your couples therapy, rest assured that the subject will be approached with tact. Here, several therapists explain how sex is discussed in their practices during couples therapy:

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[fat_widget_right]People considering therapy may be concerned about what they have to share with their therapist in order to work through the concerns they seek to improve, correct, or overcome. Popular culture has also helped create the misunderstanding that feelings are the only thing shared in therapy sessions, which is far from the truth. If you are wondering what you do or do not have to talk about in therapy, read what these therapists have to say on the topic:
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[fat_widget_right]We live in a fast-paced world where time seems like it is always in short supply. If you are beginning therapy or considering it, you probably want to know how long it is going to take before what you are experiencing and seek to resolve is worked out. The simple answer to that perplexing question is that there is no simple answer. Here, a few therapists weigh in on the amount of time it takes to see results with therapy:

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[fat_widget_right]If you are considering therapy, or if you are about to have your first therapy session, you may be nervous, skeptical, or downright frightened about starting. Most people have a natural fear of the unknown, which may be contributing to your feelings. These mental health professionals share not only their thoughts on why these feelings are normal, but how beginning your therapy can actually help you overcome them:

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AdobeStock 115268768Many people who have never participated in a therapy session wonder what it will be like. Will the therapist ask you a lot of questions about your feelings? Will they ask you to discuss your fears? Will you have to talk about your childhood?

The truth is that different therapists handle their first therapy sessions differently. They may even encourage you to ask them questions about their lives, training, or experiences in the first session.

A Timeline of Your First Therapy Session

Waiting: The first moments of your arrival to a therapist’s office may be very similar to waiting for any other kind of health care appointment. You might check in with a receptionist, fill out initial paperwork, and then wait for your therapist to bring you back for your session.

Introductions: You’ll most likely spend the first part of your therapy session getting to know one another. Your relationship with your therapist is just any other—it may work best if you’re able to connect with one another on a personal level initially. You don’t have to leap into your deepest darkest secrets immediately—feel free to talk through your favorite book or the movie you saw last week as a way to get a sense of how the two of you will communicate with one another.

Establishing Needs: Your therapist will need to know why you’re seeking therapy. They may ask what kinds of needs or issues you’d like to address in your treatment together as well as what you’ve done to manage your mental health in the past. They’ll want to talk through what worked and what didn’t to get an understanding of how best to help you.

Asking Questions: As a secondary part of understanding what you need from therapy, your therapist may ask some of the following questions:

More Questions: It can also be helpful to plan on asking questions of your therapist. Before your session, consider thinking over what worries or concerns you may have about treatment and then brainstorm some questions to ask your therapist. For example:

What Should I Do After My First Therapy Session?

The most important thing to do after your first therapy session is check in with yourself. Ask yourself how you felt your first session went, and see how you would feel about going to another one with this therapist. Remember: there’s no such thing as a one-session cure, so you may feel a little better or relieved, but your symptoms won’t immediately disappear.

Consider how you felt about your therapist specifically. Did you feel comfortable talking with them? Did you feel like the two of you could work together over a long-term time frame? If your therapist tries to give you a diagnosis in the first session or makes you feel uncomfortable for any reason, it might be a good idea to find someone else. Therapy is an incredibly individualized process, so not every therapist is going to be the right fit for you. It’s okay to interview a few before you find the right person.

Additionally, you may have some “homework” from your therapist before your next session. This could be anything from journaling throughout the week to doing a little reading that may help provide context for your next session. Remember: whatever work you do between sessions is about making you feel healthier and happier, not about getting a good grade.

What Therapists Have to Say About Attending Your First Therapy Session

Several therapists explain what goes on in their first sessions with people new to their practices:

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For some people, psychotropic medication may be a necessary component of their mental health treatment. However, in some cases medication and its side effects can cause serious harm to an individual. To ensure your safety, you should only take prescribed medication under the guidance of a qualified clinician. But what type of clinicians can prescribe medication?

There are many different types of mental health practitioners with varying degrees of academic training and medical responsibilities/privileges. These therapists help make sense of the details and explain which among them are permitted to prescribe psychotropic medication:

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Teen woman sits in school counselor's office, chatting with the counselorDifferent states have different laws when it comes to seeking therapy as a minor. You may or may not need your parent or guardian’s consent depending on where you live and your state’s legal definition of mature.

In What Cases Will I Need a Parent’s Permission to Go to Therapy?

In many states, if you are under the age of 18, you will need a parent’s permission to attend therapy. This is because in order to give any kind of treatment—medical or psychological—a patient’s consent must first be obtained. If you are under the legal age to give consent as an adult in your state, then you’ll need a parent’s signature.

In some states, it may be required that your parent attend the first therapy session with you. If you decide together that you’ll need to attend regular sessions, the therapist can give your parents a form that allows you to attend on your own. If your parents are divorced, talk with them about what custody requirements must be met when giving consent for your treatment. It is most likely as simple as keeping the other parent informed.

It’s also crucial that your therapist speaks with your parent or guardian before making any changes to your treatment—including the number of sessions per month you attend and any medication you may be trialing. Provided you are in an environment where it’s safe and healthy for you to discuss your mental health needs with your parents, seeking therapy as a minor simply requires open and consistent communication between you, your parents, and the licensed mental health professional.

Are There Any Cases Where I Don’t Need a Parent’s Permission?

As with every rule, there are exceptions to the parental permission requirement. Some states, like California, allow minors to give consent to treatment for things like substance abuse or mental health treatment as young as 12. In many states, however, minors can only give their own consent for therapy in specific situations.

One such example is emancipation, whether court-ordered or situational. In court-ordered emancipation, the minor is deemed an adult and can make all of the decisions in their day-to-day life as one. This includes consenting to treatment. Usually, court-ordered emancipation is achieved by the minor when they appeal for it, after proving to the court they are already providing for themselves and do not rely on parental support. In some states, minors may qualify for situational emancipation, in which their marital status, military service, or parenthood will grant them independence.

In all cases in which emancipation qualifies you to give your own consent for treatment, you will need a copy of the decree. It’s also important to note that most states allow minors to give consent for themselves if they are in a situation in which delaying treatment while waiting for parental consent for therapy would put them in danger, such as if they are threatening suicide or self-harm.

What Should I Do If I Need Therapy but My Parents Won’t Let Me Go?

The good news is even if your parents won’t sign off on therapy sessions, you have a lot of resources available to you. Minors seeking therapy without parental consent should start in their schools. Most schools offer a licensed counselor available throughout the day that students can schedule time with. If you don’t feel comfortable talking directly with the school counselor, they may be able to help you find the best solution for your situation.

Additionally, researching the laws regarding minor consent for health care in your state may open more opportunities. Some states allow minors as young as 12 to seek mental health care for either a limited number of sessions or for specific circumstances that may be endangering them.

If it’s safe to do so, talking openly and honestly with your parents or guardian about why seeking therapy is important to you may help them understand why they should grant permission for you to attend. If it’s not safe for you to talk with your family, it may be the most beneficial to consult another trusted adult such as a mentor, teacher, or school counselor on what steps you should take in your situation.

What Therapists Have to Say

Here, several therapists explain how this works in different states, and offer advice on who you can ask within your state about seeking therapy as a minor:

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Evaluating an MRI of the brainIn the popular imagination, compulsive or addictive behaviors such as shopping or sex are regarded as different from chemical dependency on drugs or alcohol. Even some addiction counselors have argued that behavioral addictions are somehow easier to control because they don’t involve an addictive substance. New research, however, demonstrates that, in the brain, sex addiction looks similar to drug addiction.

Sex Addiction and Brain Activity

The study examined the effects of pornography on brain activity in people who have compulsive sexual behaviors. Excessive pornography use is common among people who experience sex addiction. Researchers showed 19 male subjects pornographic images while monitoring their brain activity using functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI). They then compared the results to the brain activity of an additional 19 men with a history of compulsive sexual behavior.

The men with a history of compulsive sexual behavior had increased brain activity in the ventral striatum, dorsal anterior cingulate, and amygdala. These regions are the same areas that show increased activity during drug use in people who are addicted.

Darren Haber, MA, MFT, a GoodTherapy.org addiction Topic Expert, finds the results unsurprising, explaining, “It’s no surprise that a so-called behavioral addiction mimics drug addiction, especially when that behavior involves something as primally stimulating and rewarding as sex. What troubles me is that our society still seems more interested in playing a semantics game around debating compulsive sexual behavior as ‘addiction, yes or no’ when this enslaving disorder creates such suffering and shame for countless men and women.” Haber emphasizes that our culture often tacitly endorses sex addiction, compounding the problem that those with addiction face. “Porn is a billion dollar business. Soft-core porn is rampant in commercial media. Women are objectified and exploited globally to make a buck, and yet being a (person who is addicted to sex) is somehow shameful or hard to understand,” he says. [fat_widget_right]

What Qualifies as Sex Addiction?

In a sex-saturated society, it can be challenging to draw the line between normal sexual behavior and sex addiction. For those who experience sex addiction, though, sexual behavior feels obligatory rather than enjoyable. Angela Skurtu, MEd, LMFT, a GoodTherapy.org sexuality Topic Expert, explains, “One of the most difficult struggles partners experience with sex and porn addictions is that these behaviors often take place in lieu of a satisfying sex life with one another. The (person with sex addiction) will struggle because he or she doesn’t actually enjoy his or her sexual behaviors. They feel compelled to engage in these behaviors.”

Skurtu cautions that not all use of pornography use indicates sex addiction. “Clinicians must be careful to educate clients about normal sexual behavior, while also being respectful of the client’s personal values. Watching pornography for 15 minutes or so every other day during masturbation is relatively common. As long as the masturbation does not take the place of a healthy sex life for the couple, it should not be considered problematic behavior,” she says.

References:

University of Cambridge. (2014, July 11). Brain activity in sex addiction mirrors that of drug addiction. ScienceDaily. Retrieved from www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2014/07/140711153327.htm

Park-in-the-fallI am an introvert. Both of my daughters, now grown, are extroverts. When the second was in her mid-teens, I was working very long hours. I would frequently come home, brain fried, and find her waiting to tell me all the things that had happened during her day. I would try to listen, but more often than not I did not have the energy to do so.

One evening, after a few minutes I apologized and told her I was really tired and needed to just sit and read. She was more hurt and confused than angry. She said, “Daddy, I do not understand. You listen to others all day long, but when you come home you do not want to listen to me.”

I felt bad, really bad. However, feeling bad did nothing to generate the energy needed to engage. I apologized again and she left the room. I did not understand what was the matter with me. Her statement was so reasonable.

It was during this time, quite by accident, that I became aware of the existence of natural and normal differences in how individuals perceive, process, assign meanings, and respond.

These differences are determined by the degree to which each is:

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The stronger an individual’s response orientation is toward one pole or the other on these dichotomies, the more likely the characteristics and traits known to be common for individuals with that orientation will be present. These differences are natural and normal, present at birth, identifiable at an early age, and do not change much across time.

An individual’s response process may be the same as or quite different from a parent, sibling, significant other, or child. A naturally extroverted parent, for instance, cannot get a naturally introverted child to become more extroverted any more than a naturally introverted parent can get a naturally extroverted child to be more introverted.

My efforts to get my extroverted children to be less talkative were about as successful as my extroverted children’s efforts to get me to be more talkative: close to nil. As best I can tell, the only change that has occurred across time has come from our accepting each other’s natures as a given and accommodating this difference whenever possible.

A number of misperceptions exist regarding the meaning of these differences in response orientations.

Extroverts, for example, tend to view introverts as quiet, shy, withdrawn, maybe depressed, or antisocial, withholding, self-centered, or uninvolved. Introverts tend to view extroverts as talkative, sociable, and friendly, or noisy, needy, intrusive, and either unable or unwilling to listen.

These assumptions regarding the meaning of these response behaviors are usually inaccurate.

Extroverts, in fact:

Introverts, on the other hand:

This information helped me understand my own process as well as that of my daughter in a way that took fault finding out of the equation. A natural disparity existed at the end of the day in what she needed to feel connected to me and what I needed before I could meet her need.

Conversations with her since regarding the nature of this difference have been very helpful. I had always thought I was too self-centered and insensitive, and she had thought there was something wrong with her, that she was too needy. Once we understood that natural differences were the real culprit, we were able to reconnect through an understanding of ourselves and each other.

Seventy percent of the nearly 400 couples I have seen since 2000 have combined an introvert with an extrovert. The information provided above has helped many move from never-ending debates over right and wrong to identifying ways to accommodate and compromise when differences lead to disagreements.

Misperceptions are also common regarding response orientations on the other three dichotomies.

  1. Individuals who automatically process information from a literal frame of reference, from noting what is happening in the moment within the context of past experience, are not usually rigid or lacking in imagination. They are simply wired to provide practical responses to what is happening in the moment. And individuals who automatically process information from a possible-meanings context are not usually unrealistic or unable to face facts. They are simply wired to explore alternative possibilities for meaning and application to future situations.
  2. Individuals who naturally come to conclusions based on objective assessments of cause and effect are not usually insensitive or uncaring. They are simply designed to draw conclusions logically, a process that requires feelings to be experienced in a more neutral manner. And individuals who automatically factor in how others will, or may, feel when making decisions are not usually emotionally weak or unstable. They are simply wired to make decisions in a way that minimizes disruption of harmony in human relationships.
  3. Individuals who naturally plan and structure life events are not usually inflexible or controlling. They are simply wired to plan events in a manner that minimizes the possibility of the unexpected happening. And individuals who naturally respond more in the moment as events play out are not usually immature, irresponsible, or unreliable. They are simply wired to respond more spontaneously as events play out and provide optimum creative adaptations when the unexpected does occur.

There appears to be a yin-yang aspect to these dichotomy-specific differences; responses that can appear contradictory but are actually interdependent and complementary, with each covering one part of that dichotomy’s whole that the other cannot. In my experience, understanding the meaning of these differences leads to increased self-acceptance as well as acceptance of those who naturally differ.

GoodTherapy | 7 Principles for Responsive ParentingI have 5-year-old twin daughters. For the sake of privacy, I’ll call them Mary and Martha. Mary is sensitive, nurturing, deeply compassionate, and easily distracted. Martha is industrious and won’t stop until the job is done. She is brave and matter-of-fact. I love my girls to the moon. And they often drive me nuts.

They are both very bold with their Daddy when he is impatient and impertinent. Mary delivers an emotional appeal—“Daddy, you hurt my feelings”—with wobbly intonation. Martha pronounces a directive—“Daddy, you should not talk rough to me!”—with assertive decree.

In moments of irritability, I react impulsively and act at the whim of my own anxiety. I still have a long way to grow. As parents, we must remember that the most effective discipline is disciplined parenting.

The Harvard Family Research Project defines responsive parenting as “the use of warm and accepting behaviors to respond to children’s needs and signals” (2012). Becoming increasingly responsive as a parent requires not only an incredible dose of humility but a fullness of perspective.

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Responsive parenting requires attunement to your unique child. Yet here I propose seven general principles which I believe are consistently applicable to children of any age or temperament.

1. Show Love, Without Condition

First things first—make sure, without a shadow of a doubt, that your children know that you love them unconditionally, that no matter what they do or how circumstances change, you love them. Providing unconditional love is a prerequisite to the success of rules, expectations, and all the rest.

I am grateful to Dr. Gary Chapman for the simple profundity of his “five love languages.” There are five basic ways we give and receive affection: time, touch, words, acts, and gifts; we are each wired more or less in ways that affect which of these modes of affection mean the most to us.

I find there is always fantastic nuance in the linguistics of love. My daughter Mary feels highly connected to me when I give her nurturing massage. Martha feels highly connected to me when I block her karate chop, swipe her legs out from under her, and tackle her to the ground.

When we show love in our child’s unique language, we maximize the impact of our affections and fortify a secure base. Be a scientist, and experiment to learn what fills your child’s bucket. Then multiply to infinity.

2. Order Up Expectations, Sans the Egotism

Share your convictions firmly but without unnecessary rigidity. Remain open-minded, and share your thought process, even aspects of your own ambivalence. Your children will come to respect your authenticity and gain in cognitive and emotional depth. When you do choose to pick a battle, the credibility you may have gained in the process of compromising on nonessentials may be leveraged against a non-negotiable.

3. More Carrot, Less Stick

Catch your children doing the right thing, and do not miss opportunities to affirm a child’s acts of love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, kindness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control. Cultivate virtue by feeding, watering, and lighting the growth of character and integrity.

Also, work hard to nurture your bond with them, and you may find yourself less on the proverbial parenting soap box and less engaged in punitive discipline.

Mary and Martha love when I read them stories. We’re currently halfway through The Horse and His Boy on a quest to finish all seven books of The Chronicles of Narnia this summer. They know that if they have any chance for an extra chapter or two tonight, most of their toys must be neatly stored by bedtime hour.

4. Feed Connection, Starve Reaction

Your children want to know and to be connected with you, to know that you know them and want to be connected with them. It’s easy to miss this simple yet weighty truth as we grind out the day-to-day. Pour out affirmation and interest, and slow down reaction to mistakes and misbehavior.

Confront your children about issues for which you find yourself curious or concerned. Have direct and open conversations. Prioritize relationship over reaction, connection over compliance.

Do not present yourself as aggressive or unmovable. Observe and respond to your children’s perceptions and perspective. Do not just listen to yourself think and talk. Listen to them. Then, if necessary, remain resolute in clarifying limits and reassert your love.

5. Be Playful, Ditch the Digital

Let’s face it: we live in the digital age. And, whatever its virtues, it has waned our capacity for responsive attunement to our children’s tireless energies and budding desires. It is undeniable that learning as well as bonding best occurs when there is a significant component of play and reciprocal interaction.

A few weeks ago, my daughters were restless for fun, so I turned a couple of couches on their side and engineered a magnificent tent with an assortment of rods, a ladder, blankets, pillows, and a string of lights. That tent stayed up for weeks and prompted our adventure into Narnia. They will remember this forever.

6. Foster Wonder, Deter Gloom

We must teach our children how to think and feel, connect and create, and incite their wonder. We must find the time to attempt real answers to their insatiable questions and pose our own in return. Let us fearlessly lead our children in conversations of beauty and purpose and death. Life itself is the essence of wonder.

We don’t teach our children how to play. Rather, an innate curiosity and creativity drives their wildly imaginative masquerades into make-believe. Such creativity is a catalyst for competency. It deters boredom and gloom and promotes resilience. Yet many of us inhibit our children’s play, to their detriment.

7. Reward Competence, Discourage Vanity

Your children want to be awesome, just like you. Teach them everything you can about the world so that they will gain insight, and teach them everything you can about how the world works so that they will gain skill. Insight and skill are precursors to self-worth. Baseless praise is not. Neither is praise of outer appearance.

For instance, that Mary and Martha are pretty girls is a distraction from Mary’s early promotion in swim class and Martha’s success in cooking up scrambled eggs all by herself. Praise of externals risks an infusion of vanity. When I praise what they have genuinely done well, I excite self-worth and stir courage for more.

Reference:
Landry, S. H., Smith, K. E., Swank, P. R., Zucker, T., Crawford, A. D., and Solari, E. F. (2012, March 15). The effects of a responsive parenting intervention on parent–child interactions during shared book reading. Developmental Psychology. Advance online publication. doi: 10.1037/a0026400. Retrieved from http://www.hfrp.org/family-involvement/publications-resources/the-effects-of-a-responsive-parenting-intervention-on-parent-child-interactions-during-shared-book-reading

Woman looking into the distanceMillions of people with mental health issues lead happy, productive, and extremely normal lives. Many people with mental health conditions never tell their loved ones, and their behavior may be no different from people without mental health conditions. Indeed, more than 25% of Americans receive a mental health diagnosis at least once. But this doesn’t mean that living with a mental health challenge is easy, and friends and family can be frustrated when their attempts at helping fail. If someone you love struggles with mental health challenges, there are many ways you can help.

Learn about Mental Health

Mental health conditions can be confusing, particularly to bystanders. Learn as much as you can about your loved one’s condition. The National Alliance on Mental Illness is an excellent resource for friends and family. You may also be able to find a local support group in which you can learn about better ways to help your loved one cope.

Avoid Stigmatizing Mental Health

Mental health conditions are no different from other health conditions. Your loved one didn’t choose to struggle with mental health issues, and he or she can’t will the condition away. Don’t make someone you love feel ashamed of a mental health challenge. Instead, encourage him or her to talk openly about the issue as you listen without judgment. 

Listen and Learn

People are not disorders or symptoms. They’re unique individuals, and your loved one might not experience all of the symptoms your research tells you he or she will. Don’t just rely on books or Internet articles for information. Listen to your loved one’s lived experiences, and ask about how you can help.   

Assist Your Loved One in Seeking Help

Mental health conditions don’t typically go away on their own, and your loved one deserves excellent help. GoodTherapy.org can help you find a therapist who specializes in your loved one’s specific issue. If the person you love is anxious about seeking help, offer to make the first call for them or even to go with them to the first therapy session. 

Offer Meaningful Support

It’s nice to say you care and want to help, but it’s even better to offer specific, tangible assistance. If your friend is overwhelmed at work, consider picking up the kids from school. If your sibling has trouble focusing on daily tasks, offer to help by mowing the lawn or weeding the garden. When you reduce the stress of everyday life, you make it easier for your loved one to concentrate on recovery. 

Take Symptoms Seriously

Mental health issues can color the way you see the world, and no amount of arguing is going to change your loved one’s perceptions. More importantly, though, mental health symptoms are real symptoms. If your friend feels suicidal, angry, or anxious, don’t tell him or her that life’s not that bad. Listen carefully to your loved one’s emotions and take them seriously. Never try to make a loved one feel guilty about his or her feelings. 

Give Your Loved One Control

Unless your loved one is in imminent danger, trying to force him or her into treatment removes your loved one’s sense of agency and strength. Encourage your loved one to seek treatment, but don’t attempt to force or manipulate him or her into it. Treatment won’t work until a person is truly ready to receive it. 

Offer Unconditional Love

People with mental health conditions frequently worry that they are unlovable, and stereotypes about mental illness can compound this fear. Offer your loved one unconditional love, and reassure him or her that you are and will continue to be available. 

Build Upon Strengths

No matter how much your loved one is struggling, he or she has something to offer the world. Help your friend or family member celebrate small victories. For example, if your spouse experiences depression and has trouble getting out of bed, praise him or her for pushing through a challenging day. You might say, “I know it’s so hard to go to work when you feel so sad, and I just wanted to let you know that I am so proud of you for pushing through.” Make sure your praise is genuine and not patronizing. 

Keep Your Loved One Safe

Your loved one’s life and safety matters more than anything else. If you are worried that a loved one is in imminent danger, contact a suicide hotline or a mental health professional. People who threaten suicide or violence aren’t just seeking attention. They’re people in imminent distress who need and deserve immediate help.

References:

  1. Dickens, Rex. (n.d.). 60 Tips for Helping People Who Have Schizophrenia. Schizophrenia.com. Retrieved from http://www.schizophrenia.com/family/60tip.html
  2. For Friends and Family Members. (n.d.). MentalHealth.gov. Retrieved from http://www.mentalhealth.gov/talk/friends-family-members/index.html
  3. The Numbers Count: Mental Disorders in America. (n.d.). National Institute of Mental Health. Retrieved from http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/the-numbers-count-mental-disorders-in-america/index.shtml

Preteen with long hair under light blue hat stands leaning back against fence, looking thoughtfulAnxiety is a surprisingly common problem in children. If your child has sensory processing issues or sensory hypersensitivity, you may have already witnessed how these can bring about or intensify anxiety. These sensory issues aren’t always limited to one type of sensory input. Hypersensitivity can be found in any sensory system, and affect a person in one, two, or several systems at once. The intensity of experience common to sensory hypersensitivity, sensory processing issues, or other sensory issues can be a challenge for anyone, but for a child it can be overwhelming.

For instance, to children with tactile hypersensitivity, a sock seam might feel like the scratchy side of Velcro on tender skin. A voice that seems perfectly normal to most people might be painfully loud. Children who experience sensory input this intensely may naturally avoid or try to delay situations where they will be overstimulated by the offending sensations.

Anticipating future situations like these naturally leads anxiety-prone children to worry. A child may worry so much that anxiety becomes a day-to-day response. As parents, we are in a very good position to help our children avoid these pitfalls, and to develop good-feeling, healthy habits and attitudes.

There are many positive and healthy ways to manage anxiety that stems from sensory issues. Three examples of anxiety neutralizers are understanding, fun, and mindfulness.

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Understanding

Understanding is key—both understanding oneself, and feeling understood by others. Understanding the relationship between one’s own hypersensitivity and anxiety can be empowering for children. Feeling understood by others, especially by parents, makes a big difference. Both of these will ease fears, and as parent, you are in the perfect position to help.

Feeling Understood

Children need to know that their parents understand where they are coming from, and that they are not being judged. Parents can ask questions, acknowledge their children’s feelings, and help them develop an action plan.

For example, if your child has a fear of leaving the house before school, listen carefully to your child and seek out the underlying problem. Convey that you understand. Help your child express herself using words, so that instead of reacting to her anxieties with a tantrum, she can explain the discomfort. Feeling understood helps your child feel nurtured and supported, and helps promote positive coping skills.

Self-Understanding

Likewise, your child needs to understand himself. Educate your child about his brain function. Explain that a special part of his brain works to keep him safe. When this part of the brain gets a message from a sensory organ (such as the skin, eyes, nose, tongue, or ears), it responds accordingly.

For instance, when nerves on his hand send a message to his brain that the stove feels hot, his brain responds quickly by moving his hand away from the heat. Likewise, if his brain receives a message that something seems wrong or unknown (like intense smells, loud sounds, etc.), his brain does its best to understand (interpret) the sensory information and respond in ways that might keep his body safe.

In people with hypersensitivities, the signals from the sensory organs send some messages to the brain that are intensified, amplified, or confusing. This is why the brain might send a message saying “Be anxious!” to the body so that it will be ready to run, hide, or maybe even fight.

Just knowing the cause of anxiety won’t make it go away, but it’s a beginning. Your child may need the support of a licensed, qualified therapist to develop positive and healthy coping skills, but learning to pay attention to their own feelings when anxious can be very helpful right from the start.

Fun

The sensations linked to having fun can be powerful against worries and sensory intensities. Fun is not a direct antidote to be applied during an emotional crisis or time of heightened anxiety, but rather a component to build upon and reinforce.

Habitual anxiety can distract a child’s natural inclination toward play, humor, and wonder. Facilitate your sensitive and anxious child’s sense of adventure. Point out when you notice joy and positive feelings. Laugh together (but never laugh at your child). Identify and help your child find humor, and use a sense of humor as a positive coping skill.

Mindfulness

Serenity, feeling calm and at peace, is the opposite of anxiety. One way serenity can be found is by breathing naturally and being fully present in the moment. This type of focus on the here-and-now is called mindfulness. Presence of mind comes with practice. For some, mindfulness is second nature. For the rest of us it’s a state we can learn to live in.

There are specific skills and habits that can be adopted to build a more mindful way of living. Mindfulness techniques have been proven to reduce anxiety, which in turn can reduce the intensity of sensory overstimulation. It is worthwhile to make time to teach your children how to focus on the present moment, and to be more mindful.

Learning about your child’s sensitivity or anxiety, communicating your understanding and support, and focusing on positive feelings can go a long way toward promoting excellent mental health. Your attitude as you travel this path is very powerful. Hold firmly the belief that your child can find peace and calmness. This can generate confidence and mastery. Your approach will be reflected in your attitudes and expectations, which can encourage your own efforts and help your child better cope, overcome difficulties, and ultimately thrive.

References:

  1. Brown, A. P., Marquis, A., Guiffrida, D. A. (2013). Mindfulness-based Interventions in Counseling. Journal of Counseling and Development, 91(1), 96-104.
  2. Engel-Yeger, B, Dunn, W. (2011). The Relationship Between Sensory Processing Difficulties and Anxiety Level of Healthy Adults. British Journal of Occupational Therapy, 74(5), 210-216.
  3. Felver, J. C., Doerner, E., Jones, J., Kaye, N. C., Merrell, K. W. (2013). Mindfulness In School Psychology: Applications for intervention and professional practice. Psychology in the Schools, 50(6), 531-547.
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