AdobeStock 633710496We often hear the term “narcissist,” but what does it mean? From my vantage point as a psychotherapist, I work with many individuals who are leaving and healing from relationships, especially romantic ones, with people who are narcissists. When I first heard the term narcissist as a graduate student, I had a hard time labeling someone with such a label. I pride myself on being a strengths-focused therapist, in direct opposition of any of such disempowering diagnostic nomenclature.

However, as time progressed, I found in my own therapy practice that, indeed, there exist some individuals on this planet with narcissistic challenges. My clients educated me about the aftermath of what it is to heal from narcissistic abuse. I feel I owe it to the people I work with in therapy, and others who may be in similar circumstances, to assist with educating the public about narcissistic abuse, so that people can be informed and aware of how to protect themselves in the event they encounter people with narcissistic traits.

[fat_widget_right]

The following is an attempt at a primer on such individuals. For further study, please refer to the resources listed at the end of the article, as the subject is quite vast.

Identifying Individuals with Narcissism

So just what traits does someone with narcissism have, and what does that person look like in the early stages of dating? Studies suggest that 1% of the general population (2-16% of psychiatric population) has narcissistic personality, while an even greater number exhibit typical traits of narcissism (Brown, 2013). In addition, although 75% of people with narcissism are found to be male, women can also be narcissists.

Narcissism is defined as: excessive sense of self-importance over and above the needs of others; grandiosity; arrogance; absence of ability to empathize and experience reciprocity in relationships; intense need for admiration/attention to fill very low self-esteem; impaired relationships resulting in parasitic/predatory behaviors designed to fill one’s self-esteem in the form of narcissistic supply (DSM-IV).

One could wonder, then, how someone would find such an individual, someone who embodies these characteristics, attractive. Well, studies show (Brown, 2013) that people with narcissism market themselves in attractive, deceptive packages. They may present with a swagger, intense eye contact, false bravado/charm, knock-your-socks-off seduction (often learned by neurolinguistic programming (NLP) programs or online seduction programs), swift pacing of rushing the relationship into commitment/cohabitation/marriage/business partnership, promising a future together (which is later discovered to be a lie), intense sexual chemistry, love-bombing (repetitive texting, emailing, phone calls), or romancing the target excessively (flowers, etc).

People with narcissistic traits are known for targeting intelligent, self-sufficient, empathic individuals as partners. They tend to lack core identity (Brown, 2013), and need narcissistic supply to fill their empty psyches. Narcissistic supply comes mostly in the form of adulation, adoration, and attention, but any sort of feedback allows the individual with narcissistic qualities to feel alive (including negative attention). These individuals feel a sense of challenge in targeting highly successful, attractive individuals who may already be in other relationships and/or who express a sense of vulnerability (i.e. having grief or depression, or recently getting out of a relationship).

Characteristics of the Relationship

The literature on malignant narcissism is extensive, yet many are not informed about the dangers of being involved with someone whose character or actions tend toward narcissism. I find that clients who were entangled in relationships with such individuals have more healing to do from breaks in these relationships than if they had been in relationships with healthy individuals, because often these clients are manifesting symptoms of posttraumatic stress.

Not only are they grieving the loss of the relationship, but they are also processing the unreality of a “fake relationship.” Furthermore, often psychological abuse (and sometimes physical and sexual abuse) has permeated the relationship. In order to heal, psychotherapy must focus on grief work and trauma recovery, in addition to understanding the elements of the toxic relationship, so that patterns are not repeated in the future.

Once the initial honeymoon wears off, partners of people with narcissistic traits go from feeling high on a pedestal (much like being on cocaine) to feeling devalued, discarded, and figuratively knocked off the pedestal. Their partners have successfully seduced and hooked them into relationships.

But suddenly, the individual with narcissism begins to reveal traits of lying, future-faking, and Dr. Jekyl /Mr. Hyde Personality. He or she may vanish for hours or days on end, or gaslight (confuses the reality of) a partner. This person becomes emotionally abusive and detaches from the partner, extracting narcissistic supply in the process.

The partner, then, is dropped/discarded, coming to the sudden and shocking realization that the other, the partner to has narcissistic qualities, is not capable of true intimacy/love, and really exhibits a limited capacity for emotional connectedness/bonding (Brown, 2013). The partner who has exhibited narcissistic personality traits, who was once a knight in shining armor, is now a mere fantasy, because he or she acted through mind control and brainwashing (Brown, 2013).

To Protect Yourself

So how does one avoid encountering someone with narcissism? I would suggest being particularly cautious with the pacing of dating. If you’re using a dating website, exercise extreme caution when meeting up with a dating partner for the first several dates until you feel you know the individual (i.e. meet in a public place).
If the dating partner attempts to rush the relationship, that is a red flag. An individual who respects your boundaries will work with you to slowly progress the relationship at a pace that is mutually agreed upon. Just because initially there is a highly seductive “zing” quality to the attraction does not mean that the dating partner is healthy. To protect yourself from someone who may end up behaving out of narcissism, it is best to allow the connection to unfold slowly and observe to see if actions and words are matching up.

Sexual chemistry is not the same thing as healthy bonding and attachment. A healthy person will want to get to know your personality, dreams, and interests, and slowly evolve the relationship. An individual with narcissistic tendencies may also want to know all about you, but then may fake being your soul mate by rushing you into consenting to a relationship/marriage/cohabitation/business arrangement (Hotchkiss, 2010).

If you have encountered an individual who seems to display these qualities, or are considering leaving a relationship with a similar person, it is in your best interests to get yourself out of the relationship as quickly as possible. People with narcissistic characteristics may be prone to causing harm by invading personal boundaries, lying about future possibilities in relationships, engaging in abuse, and exhibiting no empathy or remorse for emotional harm they have done.

Consult a licensed psychotherapist who is trained in narcissistic abuse recovery in addition to locating a qualified support group to help you through this time. You will recover. You will heal. But, it will take time and the assistance of qualified professionals who understand what you have endured and how to help you to reclaim your self-esteem.

Resources:

  1. Saferelationshipsmagazine.com:  Sandra A. Brown, MA’s website and resources related to abuse recovery from unhealthy relationships
  2. Lisaescott.com: The Path Forward online forum and support network for survivors of narcissistic abuse
  3. Baggagereclaim.com: A website dedicated to individuals healing from relationships with emotionally-unavailable people (including narcissists)
  4. Outofthefog.com: A website with support and resources for people moving forward from abusive relationships
  5. Help! I am in Love with a Narcissist by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol
  6. Women Who Love Psychopaths: Inside the Relationships of Inevitable Harm with Psychopaths, Sociopaths and Narcissists by Sandra L. Brown
  7. Without Conscience: The Disturbing World of Psychopaths Among Us by Robert D. Hare
  8. Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry by Albert J. Bernstein, PhD
  9. Emotional Blackmail: When People in Your Life use Fear, Obligation and Guilt to Manipulate You by Susan Forward
  10. Why is it Always About You? The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism by Sandy HotchKiss, LCSW
  11. The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love and Family by Eleanor Payson, MSW
  12. Narcissistic Lovers: How to Cope, Recover, and Move On by Cythnia Zayn and Kevin Dibble
  13. Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Bill Eddy, LCSW
  14. Stop Walking On Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Love Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Paul Mason, MS
  15. Malignant Self-Love: Narcissism Revisited by Sam Vaknin
  16. Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life: At Home, At Work, With Friends by Linda Martinez-Lewi, PhD

secondary-trauma-coping-loved-ones-0605137Traumatic events usually occur without notice and result in people trying to deal with the aftereffects long after the event is over. Recent events, such as the Boston Marathon bombings, bring to light how traumatic events can create effects for long periods of time. Traumatic events can result in the development of posttraumatic stress (PTSD), which is a prevalent and serious mental health issue.

According to the National Institute for Mental Health, 26.2% of the adult American population will meet the criteria for a diagnosis of PTSD at some point in their lifetime. PTSD can severely impact a person’s ability to function in day-to-day life and interactions and relationships with loved ones. In my practice, I have noticed that relationships can become strained or distant, or even end due to the stress caused by PTSD.

Just as it is important for the person who experienced the trauma to address his or her symptoms, it is also important for their loved ones. Loved ones often report feeling helpless in assisting the person with PTSD to feel better. So what can loved ones do to help those who have PTSD in their recovery?

Practice good self-care. When a loved one has been traumatized, the stress can take a toll on that person’s entire support network. Making sure you are practicing good self–care habits such as eating well, getting enough sleep and rest, and continuing to engage in activities you find pleasurable can be very helpful in addressing the stress that can come with a traumatic event.

Offer your support, but don’t push the person affected with PTSD to describe or talk about the event that traumatized them if they do not want to. Many people affected with PTSD do not wish to “relive” the trauma by frequently talking about it or by going into detail. Sometimes well-meaning loved ones will push them to talk about the trauma without realizing that doing so can do more harm than good. Loved ones may feel offended or rejected when the traumatized individual does not want to talk about the incident. Know that this is nothing to personalize. You can be there as a supportive person to listen when they want to talk, without trying to “fix” what they are going through. Simply saying something like, “It sounds like that was really hard” or just letting them know you are happy to be a listener can be validating and can help the person to feel supported as they work through their trauma.

Encourage the person affected with PTSD to seek professional help. PTSD is a serious mental health issue that requires professional assistance to treat and overcome. There are many treatment modalities that have been successful in the treatment of PTSD. It is possible for a person with PTSD to get to the point where the traumatic event has little or no disturbance associated with it. There is much hope for overcoming PTSD, but it is much more likely for someone to overcome PTSD with professional help. Support groups can also be helpful for people suffering from PTSD as it gives them additional care in their recovery.

Get support and treatment for yourself. Having someone you love go through a traumatic event and supporting him or her as they recover can result in secondary trauma. Secondary trauma is defined by Figley (1995) as “the stress resulting from helping or wanting to help a traumatized or suffering person.” The signs of secondary trauma can include similar symptoms to PTSD, including (but not limited to) having overwhelming emotions, exhaustion, having thoughts that are intrusive and disturbing, difficulty concentrating, nightmares, and detachment from others. These are symptoms a therapist and support group can help you overcome. Be aware of your own emotions and mental health in order to identify the signs early.

Above all, don’t go through such a difficult time alone. There is support and an abundance of resources available to help people with PTSD and their caregivers overcome trauma and secondary trauma.

References:

  1. Figley, C.R. (Ed.) (1995). Compassion fatigue: Secondary traumatic stress disorders from treating the traumatized. New York: Brunner/Mazel, p.7.
  2. National Institute of Mental Health. Post-traumatic stress disorder among adults. NIMH. Retrieved May 28, 2013. From nimh.nih.gov/statistics/1ad_ptsd_adult.shtml.

Studies on depression have shown that negative affect is a strong risk factor for depressive symptoms. Rumination, the process of thinking about negative events and distressing situations, can increase negative affect and make people more vulnerable to depressive episodes.

Neil P. Jones of the Western Psychiatric Institute and Clinic at the University of Pittsburgh in Pennsylvania wanted to add to the existing research on depression and rumination by looking at how goal failure, an event that can lead to negative emotions, influences affect. In his study, Jones examined the emotional reactions of 93 college students after they completed an exercise that required they write about their past failures related to prevention and promotion goals.

Promotion goals are hopes, dreams, and desires while prevention goals are classified as more obligatory and necessary goals pertaining to safety and security. Jones theorized that chronic failure to achieve the goals would lead to higher levels of rumination and increased depression and even anxiety in the participants. The results provided partial support for Jones’ theory.

First, the participants who wrote about chronic promotion goal failure reported higher levels of dejection. Surprisingly, even though they did not perceive themselves failing chronically at prevention goals, they still felt dejected when they wrote about any prevention goals they did not achieve. In other words, negative associations with promotion goals created an overall sense of dejection which led directly to increased rumination.

Jones found no association between goal failure and rumination, except when dejection was present. This was particularly interesting and suggests that there may be a protective mechanism at play, allowing some individuals who are exposed to goal failure to regulate their emotional reactions to the exposure so that they do not feel dejected and engage in negative rumination.

Jones believes these results extend existing research on the relationship between goal failure, affect and depressive symptoms. “Our findings are also consistent with our previous work demonstrating that dispositional tendencies to ruminate combined with chronic perceived promotion goal failure are associated with increased depressive symptoms,” added Jones.

Reference:
Jones, Neil P., et al. (2013). Cognitive Processes in Response to Goal Failure: A Study of Ruminative Thought and its Affective Consequences. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology 32.5 (2013): 482-503. ProQuest. Web.

Woman reading in beach chairAs a sex therapist, my professional library is often scoured and delighted in by colleagues and clients alike. The books on my shelf boast attention-grabbing titles and alluring content. As the summer heat approaches, why not read about heating up your sex and intimate life? Below is an authentic peek into what is on my bookshelf, and what I regularly recommend to clients, family, and friends.

The Heart of Desire: Keys to the Pleasures of Love (2012) by Stella Resnick, PhD. Published by Wiley.
A highly user-friendly book exploring the love-lust dilemma through the lens of the latest scientific research. Using everyday language, the author explains how early programming impacts sexual desire in committed partners. This book provides a body-mind program to sharpen the reader’s skills for fulfilling sexual pleasure. Topic covered include: “What Dampens Desire,” “Sexual Health and the Body,” and “The Nuances of Sexual Pleasure.” It is a must-have for your library.

Resurrecting Sex (2002) by David Schnarch, Ph.D. Published by Harper.
This book will assist you in creating erotic, meaningful sex whether you have had long-term difficulties, or just find yourself bored. For men and women alike, this is a fantastic self-help book for sexual difficulties. There are very few of us who don’t experience sexual difficulties at some point in our lives and relationships — why not read ahead as preventative care, or a solution to what has you stuck? From desire, to pain, to an elusive orgasm, this book can support you with a solution-focused approach for long term learning and development.

The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex: the Most Complete Sex Manual Ever Written (2002) by Cathy Winks and Anne Semans, Illustrations by Phoebe Gloeckner. Published by Cleis Press.
I can’t say enough about this book; it’s straightforward yet casual, informative yet fun to read. From erotica to technique, communication to anatomy, this book has it all. I find it to be my go-to resource for quick and easy-to-understand information. This book is a great resource for wanting to learn about a specific aspect of sexuality, such as oral sex, to wanting to improve your masturbation experience. This book explores the world of sex toys, fantasies, and sex play. The illustrations are top-notch and educational. Ever wonder what a two-strap harness is? Or where the prostate gland is? These illustrations cover everything you wanted to know, and possibly more. It’s a fun book to explore with someone or on your own.

Pleasure: A Woman’s Guide to Getting the Sex You Want, Need and Deserve (2006) by Hilda Hutcherson. Published by G.P. Putman’s Sons.
For a woman, reading this book is like having a girlfriend telling you what’s what when it comes to orgasms, pleasure, and communicating with your partner about what feels good — not to mention helping you explore new ways and new locations for pleasure to be experienced and expanded upon. Hutcherson’s savvy approach will give ladies a new perspective on their bodies and their bodies’ potentials. This book takes the pressure off of the orgasm as the end goal, and instead provides us much more fulfillment in the journey.

Tantric Sex: the Path to Sexual Bliss (2008) by Kavida Rei. Published by Dorling Kindersley Publishing, Incorporated.
This book ushers readers into understanding and embracing the beauty of tantric sex, while providing space for the reader to explore at their own pace. The book’s back cover explains that it can provide you the opportunity for “deeper self-knowledge, greater intimacy, and genuinely fulfilling relationships.” It also touts the discovery of “mind-blowing sex” — who couldn’t use some of that?! This book is full of beautiful photos to guide the reader into an experience of mindfulness, sacredness, and holistic sensation.

Happy reading and enjoy the results!

(Author’s note: I have no affiliation with the authors and I am in no way compensated by them for my suggestions.)

Mother and daughter coloring with crayonsAt the heart of this therapeutic approach is a focus on human connection, since the underlying theory in reality therapy posits that human relationships are the most vital of the five basic needs we must satisfy to be happy and fulfilled. The remaining four needs include: survival or self preservation, achievement, independence or freedom, and fun.

This approach is founded on the belief that individuals choose many of their behaviors in order to satisfy these needs, which are innate. Therapy provides the opportunity for an exploration of the degree to which a person in therapy’s needs are being met.

A problematic relationship, past or present, is thought to be the major source of a person’s presenting problems. The relationship could be one of many—for example, with one’s significant other, sibling, parent, child, friend, teacher, colleague, or boss. The goal of reality therapy is to support people in identifying the problematic relationship, assist them to evaluate how their behavior may be helping or hurting, and to give them tools to reconnect in a healthy way.

As a school counselor and therapist, I utilize reality therapy concepts both with adults and children and find them exceptionally useful in gathering immediate, vital data about the person. I especially like that reality therapy has an artistic/drawing component that helps people feel less threatened and more able to access and evaluate behaviors and emotions than might be possible using a traditional therapeutic approach.

Discovering One’s ‘Quality World’

Exploration of the person’s quality world provides both clinician and person in therapy valuable information. One’s quality world is unique to each person and is essentially that place inside us that holds a vision (pictures) of all that is most important to us. Among many, the pictures may include our homes, special people, places we hope to visit, hobbies and interests, our religious or spiritual practices. Quality world pictures depict present circumstances and dreams for the future. Quality world pictures may reflect things we presently possess or long for in the future; other pictures may indicate what we have relinquished hope of manifesting (the adult who always wanted to play the violin, go to Paris, learn a language, or have a baby; or the child who wished he could be a better student but has given up).

I have never found an adult or child who was not eager to depict their quality world when invited to do so. I generally describe the quality world as I have above, and I give a few examples of the pictures in my own to help people understand what I am asking of them. The simplest way is for people to use a piece of paper and either draw symbols to represent a specific want, or write a word that represents it. I encourage them to be as creative as they’d like. There is no wrong way to do the exercise.

Living One’s Quality World

In as little as 10 or 15 minutes, the counselor or therapist can learn the most important and desired aspects of the person’s inner world. The counselor or therapist also learns what the person is lacking—for example, the child whose quality world depicts no friends, or no parents. People are invited to talk about their words and symbolic representations and this provokes a rich dialogue and the beginning of a close connection between person in therapy and clinician. It also helps people to reflect on and appreciate what they have, as well as to evaluate their goals, the probability of their success, and the action they are taking to attain them.

What impresses me most about reality therapy is that it is an effective and collaborate approach for multiple environments (schools, businesses, counseling, and therapy). Some of my child clients even go home and use reality therapy concepts they learn with me on mom and dad. It helps people to be accountable and teaches them skills that are empowering and easy to share with others.

GoodTherapy | The Psychology of Online Role-Playing GamesWhile traditional video games typically require only brief periods of investment from players and don’t involve developing a new persona, online role-playing games tend to be much more time-intensive and require a strong emotional investment. These games encourage players to become a character—often one who is very different from a player’s real-life persona—and often have no end point. They can be played for hours, days, or even years, with characters networking with others to develop a virtual world that may feel more comfortable than the real one. The games can prove addictive and may interfere with real-life responsibilities, but they also offer several benefits, with some people finding that they master new skills online.

Adopting a New Persona
The hallmark of a role-playing game is that players adopt personas for their characters rather than playing as one or several pre-established characters. Depending on the game, players may be able to write their character’s life story, choose their character’s specific appearance, and take on a wide variety of personality traits. Some players view this as an opportunity to experience what it’s like to be a completely different person. Men might become women, for example, and young people might choose to be elderly.

This investment in the new persona can, however, be problematic for some players. A player who feels isolated or who is unsatisfied with his or her life might become more invested in the character and the character’s friends than he/she is in real life. Players who spend too much time on the game might abandon their own personal development and friends in favor of developing their characters and making friends for their characters.

Effects on Relationships
A Brigham Young University found that 75% of people involved in a relationship with a role-playing game player wish their partner spent less time playing the game. The intense nature of these games and the fact the time commitment is limitless means relationships can take a hit. Some players may even develop romantic relationships for their characters while playing the game, and these relationships can disturb real-life partnerships.

However, all is not lost when it comes to RPGs and relationships. The same BYU study also found that 76% of couples who played role-playing games together believed that it strengthened their relationship. Working together in this new, mutually experienced environment can make a relationship feel new and fresh, and gives couples a shared pursuit.

Addictive Nature
Role-playing games, like many other behaviors, can become addictive. Successful players generally have to spend a lot of time on the game and may spend hours networking with other players. This time commitment increases the likelihood that a player may become addicted, and the pressure from other players to keep playing the game can make it difficult to pull away.

Benefits of Role-Playing Games
Although many parents are concerned about their children playing RPGs and despite a significant amount of negative press coverage, RPGs also offer some important benefits. These include:

References:

  1. Billieux, J., Chanal, J., Khazaal, Y., Rochat, L., Gay, P., Zullino, D., & Van der Linden, M. (2011). Psychological Predictors of Problematic Involvement in Massively Multiplayer Online Role-Playing Games: Illustration in a Sample of Male Cybercafé Players.Psychopathology, 44(3), 165-171. doi: 10.1159/000322525
  2. Dupuis, E. C., & Ramsey, M. A. (2011). The Relation of Social Support to Depression in Massively Multiplayer Online Role-Playing Games. Journal of Applied Social Psychology, 41(10), 2479-2491. doi: 10.1111/j.1559-1816.2011.00821.x
  3. Feng, J., Spence, I., & Pratt, J. (2007). Playing an Action Video Game Reduces Gender Differences in Spatial Cognition. Psychological Science, 18(10), 850-855. doi: 10.1111/j.1467-9280.2007.01990.x
  4. Online role-playing games hurt marital satisfaction, says BYU study. (n.d.). Brigham Young University. Retrieved from http://news.byu.edu/archive12-feb-mmorpgs.aspx

therapy-dogs-0527137Talk to any pet lover and he or she will tell you that pets make life richer and better. But pets aren’t just a source of fun and an occasional source of extra work. Animals can play important roles in helping people recover from illness, making medical visits less stressful, and relieving social isolation. Although a wide variety of animals have been used in therapeutic settings, therapy dogs are the most popular option, and there’s strong evidence that a therapy dog can make a huge difference in a person’s quality of life.

What Are Therapy Dogs?

A therapy dog is any dog used in a therapeutic setting to improve treatment outcomes. Some are trained to complete specific tasks, while others are just well-behaved dogs. There’s no specific breed, size, or age requirement for a dog to become a therapy dog. Some are raised and specifically trained to provide therapeutic services, while others are just pets visiting a nursing home or rehabilitation center over the weekend.

What Do They Do?

Therapy dogs are hugely diverse and can fill a wide variety of functions. Some visit people living in nursing homes and respite facilities, providing companionship and a brief opportunity to pet an animal. Others work with children in crisis. For example, some child-abuse centers provide a chance for children to talk to therapy dogs, rather than people, about their abuse. Some prisons have established therapeutic pet-ownership programs in which a prisoner cares for an abandoned or unwanted dog or puppy. Some dogs are highly trained and work as seizure-alert dogs for people with epilepsy or as assistance dogs for people with sensory limitations. Dogs also have been used to help war veterans experiencing posttraumatic stress and other issues. These dogs sometimes undergo years of training before they’re placed with an owner.

What Are the Benefits?

Dogs have a soothing effect on people. The simple act of petting a dog can ease symptoms of depression and anxiety. The benefits of therapy dogs are overwhelming, and include:

Can Your Dog Be a Therapy Dog?

There are several organizations that certify dogs as therapy dogs, but not all dogs are certified. Some nursing homes, for example, recruit owners of well-behaved dogs to bring their dogs in a few times a week or month. In most cases, though, your dog will need to pass a temperament test and show no signs of aggression or fear toward people or other animals. Some dogs may need more intense training. For example, therapy dogs that work with children might have to learn how to tolerate being hugged tightly and master the art of not jumping on a rambunctious child.

Guide dogs usually undergo a year or two of training before moving in with a permanent owner. Several organizations recruit families who are willing to put in the time and effort to train a guide dog. However, they have to give up the dog when it’s time for him or her to move in with a permanent owner.

References:

  1. Getting started. (n.d.). Therapy Dogs International. Retrieved from http://www.tdi-dog.org/About.aspx?Page=Getting+Started
  2. Perceptions of the impact of pet therapy on residents/patients and staff in facilities visited by therapy dogs [PDF]. (n.d.). Flanders: Therapy Dogs International.
  3. Walsh, P. G., & Mertin, P. G. (1994). The Training of Pets as Therapy Dogs in a Women’s Prison: A Pilot Study. Anthrozoos: A Multidisciplinary Journal of The Interactions of People & Animals, 7(2), 124-128. doi: 10.2752/089279394787002014
  4. What is a therapy dog? (n.d.). Therapy Dogs of Vermont. Retrieved from http://www.therapydogs.org/index.php?option=com_content

GoodTherapy | When Your Partner Won't Go to Therapy can work wonders in a relationship, helping each partner to see the other’s perspective and empowering a couple to adopt love-affirming habits that meet one another’s needs. Relationship experts and therapists may recommend couples counseling for a broad variety of issues ranging from financial problems to infidelity, and some people view couples counseling as the panacea that will cure an ailing marriage.

If your spouse won’t go to marriage counseling, you might feel betrayed or unwanted, but pushing your spouse into counseling against his or her will can be just as damaging as the problems that led you to therapy in the first place. Instead, it’s best to try to work through the resistance as a couple and, if all else fails, try going by yourself.

Talking About It
If your spouse won’t go to therapy, your feelings of rejection can quickly get in the way of investigating your spouse’s feelings. Rather than assuming you know why he or she won’t go therapy, talk about the issue instead. Some people are concerned that therapy will make their marriage worse, while others feel that therapy is a stigmatizing process. Once you understand the reason your spouse won’t go, you can work through the issue together and decide whether therapy is a wise choice.

Alternatives to Therapy
Although therapy can improve your marriage, it’s not the only thing that works. Talk to your spouse and see if he or she might be willing to try an alternative approach. You might, for example, have a weekly meeting during which you talk about the state of your relationship, each resolve to do a favor for the other every day, take 10 minutes each day to listen to your spouse’s feelings, or spend the money you would spend on therapy on a romantic weekly outing. Spending quality time together and validating one another’s feelings can improve your marriage even without therapy, and are two of the skills many marriage counselors focus on.

When to Worry
There’s a big difference between refusing therapy and refusing to work on the marriage. But if your spouse refuses to make any changes, to talk about issues within your relationship, or to adopt any strategy at all designed to help your marriage, this is a problem. Refusing to make any changes at all and ignoring a spouse’s legitimate needs is a form of emotional abuse. However, it could be that your spouse is feeling down about your marriage or depressed. Whether refusing to work on the marriage is a controlling, manipulative tactic or the product of hopelessness, you can benefit from going to therapy without your spouse.

Going Alone
Marriage isn’t always equal, and there may be times when you or your spouse works harder on the relationship. If you want to improve your marriage, working on yourself—even without your spouse—can be a powerful first step. As you begin to make changes, your spouse’s behavior may also change. And in some cases, your spouse might be so curious about what happens in therapy that he or she feels compelled to go with you. Even if your spouse never goes to therapy, however, going alone can help you deal with the stress of marital problems and, if your spouse refuses to work on these problems, help you figure out your next steps.

References:

  1. Bernstein, E. (2012, March 6). Couples therapy for one: To fix a marriage, some go alone. The Wall Street Journal. Retrieved from http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052970203458604577263303967929424.html
  2. What to do when your spouse won’t go to marriage counseling. (n.d.). Guy Stuff at CCRG. Retrieved from http://www.guystuffcenter.com/2012/03/what-to-do-when-your-spouse-wont-go-to-marriage-counseling/

Woman looking over oceanDialectical behavior therapy (DBT) combines cognitive and behavioral therapies with Eastern mindfulness practices. Developed by psychologist Marsha M. Linehan, DBT is useful in treating individuals with a wide variety of issues, including depression, anxiety, bipolar, self-injury, eating disorders, substance abuse, and relationship conflict. The goal is for clients to learn to manage their emotions and develop healthier coping skills, while also practicing self-acceptance.

The term dialectical refers to the goal of synthesizing the rigid “black and white” thinking of many clients who have trouble regulating their emotions. Additionally, a key dialectical within DBT is the principle of accepting the client as he or she is, and offering validation, while also helping him/her learn change strategies. Validation in DBT refers to offering the client verbal and nonverbal support and confirmation.

The emphasis on validation in DBT grew out of observations in the late 1970s that many clients experienced behavioral therapy as invalidating; this led to resistance and sometimes withdrawal from therapy. Clients’ resistance often manifested in behaviors that sabotaged the effectiveness of individual therapy. These observations led to some of the core features of dialectical behavior therapy, including radical acceptance and validation of the client’s current level of emotional and behavioral functioning. This balancing of acceptance and change is important not only within individual therapeutic interactions, but within the overall treatment. While the client learns skills to improve self-acceptance, the therapist employs validation strategies, including the following:

Methods of Validation

  1. Focus on listening with empathy and genuine concern, being careful to stay in the moment. Display interest through verbal and nonverbal cues: Nod and maintain eye contact, and use verbal replies such as “Uh-huh” and “What else are you feeling?”
  2. Respond with accurate reflection, summarizing what the individual had shared. For example, “It sounds like you are angry that your wife made these plans without consulting you.” Check for accuracy by asking, “Is that right?”
  3. Observe and articulate the individual’s unspoken emotions, based on what he or she says and nonverbal cues. Ask if your observations are correct. For example, “So you think it is unreasonable that she expects you to show up at this event without asking you. Is that correct?”
  4. Validate and restate the person’s feelings and behaviors in relation to past and present situations and issues. Acknowledge that his or her current emotions are understandable in light of past experiences and/or present circumstances. For example, “Considering that your mother was so controlling when you were growing up, it makes sense that you would feel resentment in this situation.”
  5. Focus on destructive behaviors that stem from prior history, and point out why the current response is not constructive. Restate the past experience and link it to the individual’s current issue and behavior choices. For example, “Because your mother tried to control your time and activities, it is understandable that you are feeling angry in this situation. However, refusing to speak to your wife does not help her understand why you are so upset.”
  6. Focus on empowering the individual and treating him or her as an equal. While acknowledging the client’s struggles, express hope and optimism that the person is capable of positive change. For example, “I can see that you are working hard on making changes, and I think you are going to see some progress and start feeling better.”

In working with clients, DBT therapists are careful to avoid invalidating behaviors and responses that dismiss, reject, or criticize the client’s emotions and behaviors. Examples of this would include statements that the client should not “feel that way,” that their assessment of the situation is inaccurate, that the issue is not important, or that the client is to blame for the problem.

Dialectical behavior therapy is a support-oriented approach. As clients learn coping skills to better handle intense emotions and distress, they also identify their strengths and are able to make healthier behavior choices. Validation is a critical component in DBT, not only to help clients build their self-esteem, but to encourage their active participation throughout the therapeutic process.

Unhappy looking woman wearing black dress looks in mirror while a man stands in the backgroundHave you ever thrown a casual “I miss you,” or “I wish you were here” to your partner when, in that moment, you did not miss them or wish they were with you? Spouses and partners who have been together for some time may find themselves using this form of interaction, called “deceptive affection,” in their relationships on a regular basis. Rather than hurting the other’s feelings, one partner may find it easier and more tactful to say what they think their partner wants to hear. When getting dressed up for an evening out, is it okay to tell your spouse that they look amazing when you don’t really think so? The answers are mixed.

Deceptive affection is not altogether bad, according to some experts. It can fulfill needs and placate attention-seeking. It can boost self-esteem and quell fights. But when used as a way to avoid true feelings, it can become troublesome to the relationship. Couples that engage in deceptive affection, including public displays of affection, just to keep up the appearance of being truly in love, can actually increase the emotional distance that exists between them. If lying about feelings toward one another becomes commonplace, then lying in other areas of the relationship may become accepted behavior as well.

Psychologist Mansi Hasan believes that couples would prefer deceptive affection over distance and resentment. “However,” adds Hasan, “deceptive affection cannot make a relationship last; after a while it may become difficult to mask your real feelings.” This is where the problems can arise. Hasan suggests that partners try to decrease their use of deceptive affection and foster real, genuine affection by staying in touch with their true feelings and finding ways to rekindle the romantic love that once existed between them.

Other helpful strategies include letting go of anger once a conflict has been resolved and to avoid comparing the relationship to those of friends or family members, or previous relationships. It’s okay to embellish a little. But when embellishing turns into complete fabrication, it might be time to take a closer look at what’s really going on in the relationship.

Reference:
Can Deceptive Affection Destroy Relationships? (2013). India.com (n.d.): n. pag. http://www.dnaindia.com/lifestyle/1833990/report-can-deceptive-affection-destroy-relationships

Two paths through woods

What happens to a relationship when one person changes?

“Vanessa” is on a path of self-discovery and change, but that does not mean that her husband, “Mark,” is on the same path. Nor does it mean he wants Vanessa to be on that path or to change who she is. Many times I see couples who come to therapy because someone has changed. “Vanessa didn’t used to be this way,” Mark said. “When we were first married, she liked staying home and watching television. I don’t know what happened.” Complaints like Marks are often more than criticism: in Gottman’s terms, most recurring conflicts are failed bids for connection. Underneath “I don’t know what happened” is usually a quieter question – “Do I still matter to you?”

When you are in a committed marriage or partnership, it stands to reason that you will change. Can you imagine being the same person at age 55 as you were at age 25? But what do you do when your changes and journey do not match up with where your partner is or what they desires? What if you find yourselves on different paths?

Research shows that personal growth goals have become increasingly important in modern marriages, with couples expecting relationships to provide not only support and bonding but also an environment that nurtures both partners’ individual development. However, when one person changes significantly, it can create challenges that require intentional navigation.

unhappy woman and sleeping man

First, acknowledge the change. Talk about the elephant in the room. Not only is it OK to tell your partner about the changes that you are making in your life, it is imperative to do so. An intimate relationship is about two people and what they create together. In order to keep the health of your relationship and respect it, you must speak to your partner about what is going on for you. Your partner needs to know about the personal changes that you are making, as they affect your marriage. Because these personal changes are long-lasting, not fads or temporary, it will require that the couple have multiple conversations over an extended period. This ongoing conversation may last months and even years.

Couples therapy research bears this out: in a 2024 trial of integrative behavioral couple therapy, strengthening constructive communication went hand in hand with better marital adjustment. Carol Dweck’s work on mindset offers a useful frame for these ongoing conversations—growth minded couples treat communication as an act of curiosity rather than a performance to be managed.

Second, check in with your spouse. Ask about his or her feelings and needs. Yes, you may be changing, but you also need to tend to the needs of your relationship and your partner. What does your partner need during your process of change? While you may be changing and growing, being in a committed and intimate relationship means that the needs of your partner are essential to you. Considering what they need must be part of your process as well.

Third, determine if you or your spouse is growing in different directions. Notice that I did not say “growing apart” but “growing in different directions.” If you are in a long-term relationship, it makes sense that you and your partner will not always be focused on the same thing at the same time. There will be differences even if there were not previously. Acknowledging that you are on different paths and that you have different goals and desires is helpful to your relationship. Once you acknowledge this, you can take the necessary steps to maintain the health of your relationship. In the Gottman model, this is the work of “making life dreams come true”-a level of the Sound Relationship House in which each partner actively supports the other’s goals, orienting away from self-interest and toward the advancement of the other.

content couple1

Personal growth within a partnership is best understood as a mutual evolution: each person flourishing independently while the couple grows together. Healthy boundaries in relationships foster individuality and personal space that is critical for both partners’ growth and well-being, allowing each partner to mature, discover their interests, and pursue their goals.

Finally, be respectful of your relationship or marriage. Just because you have different goals or desires does not mean that you cannot be together. It does mean that you need to be more active and conscious about tending to your relationship. When clients see me for couples therapy, my first statement is that their relationship is my primary client and I work for what is best in that relationship.

What does your relationship need to stay strong even if you are making personal and individual changes? Does it need time and attention? Does your relationship need activities that are special and specific to you and your partner? What can remain the same and unchanged that you both enjoy? What compromises do you and your partner need to make? These are a sampling of questions to ask yourself and for you to discuss with your spouse/partner if you want to navigate personal growth while also tending to and allowing your relationship to grow.

A solid and healthy marriage is about how effectively couples can support each other in becoming the best versions of themselves, creating a balanced ecosystem where individual growth and collective happiness coexist and reinforce each other.

thinking man with family in background

*If you are experiencing significant relationship distress, consider seeking support from a qualified mental health professional. The information in this article is not intended to replace professional counseling or therapy.*

To find a therapist who can help you navigate relationship changes, visit our Find a therapist directory.

© Copyright 2026 GoodTherapy.org. All rights reserved.

*The preceding article was solely written by the author named above. Any views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the preceding article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment below.*

References:

  1. Capozzi, F. (2025). A research-driven flowchart to approach change in couples. Frontiers in Psychology, 15. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2024.1438394
  2. Christi-Degen, N., Preißler, S., & Kröger, C. (2024). Effects of integrative behavioral couple therapy on communication patterns and marital adjustment. Frontiers in Psychology, 15. PMC11414875
  3. Li, X., Lamis, E., & Chan, W. (2024). Dual-earner couples’ sharing of work-related experiences: Effects on relational and personal well-being. Applied Psychology: Health and Well-Being. https://doi.org/10.1111/aphw.12574
  4. Strauss Cohen, I. (2024). The role of individual growth in marital happiness. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/your-emotional-meter/202404/the-role-of-individual-growth-in-marital-happiness
  5. Wittenborn, A., et al. (2023). Couple therapy in the 2020s: Current status and emerging developments. Journal of Family Therapy. PMC10087549

Father and Son Shouting at Each OtherShouting, yelling, screaming. Nearly all parents have done it; nearly all children age 10 and under have heard it. In small doses, such as in emergencies, yelling is not believed to be harmful. Yet, as common as this interaction is within families, if it happens too often it can break down positive conflict-management skills and flood a family’s emotional field with negative affect.

Why Do We Yell?

The most basic reason we yell in any situation is because, on some level, we feel we are not being heard. Whether literally—the person is in another room, for example—or figuratively, not feeling heard is an incredibly frustrating experience. When we believe we have a valid point and are being intentionally ignored, misheard, or invalidated, inside our brains we are thinking, “They must not really be hearing me. I will speak louder. That should do the trick!”

Yelling also stems from a need for control. Yelling is a form of verbal aggression; it carries the message that the yeller desires to be the loudest and most dominant person in the room. If someone is yelling, it is a good bet that the yeller is feeling out of control and is feeling the need to dominate the interaction.

[fat_widget_right]

Parents often experience frustrating and even oppositional behaviors from young children. Depending on your child’s age, he or she may be focusing on developmental tasks ranging from establishing a sense of independence to experimenting with rebellion. The act of not listening to you can actually be part of your child’s necessary development.

At various times of the day or week, parents’ reserves of patience and energy can already be low. For example, a full-time parent may feel that he or she can barely make it to nap time with sanity intact. A pre-nap meltdown from their toddler hits them at their absolute lowest point of the day. A working parent’s morning can be so tightly orchestrated that just the slightest alteration in routine can cause a cascade of setbacks and tardiness. Throw in an early meeting and some traffic, and there is a perfect storm of frustration which can come lashing out toward a child. Parents can reach a saturation point at which their own coping skills are no longer carrying them through a particular interaction. At these points, parents often resort to yelling in an attempt to regain a sense of validation or control.

What’s the Case against Yelling in Families?

Yelling raises blood pressure, heart rates, and adrenaline levels. Those who yell exhibit higher levels of the stress hormone cortisol in their bloodstreams over time. These physical consequences are also seen in those who are yelled at. Like second-hand smoke, second-hand anger can take a big toll on health.

That’s a case against yelling in general, but in families with children age 10 and under, there are several other reasons that yelling isn’t healthy.

Children look to their parents to maintain the safety—physical and emotional—of the family. Babies and very young children do not yet have the ability to determine the difference between a real threat to their safety and an upsetting or frustrating circumstance. Many parents can attest to this, hurrying to the scene after having heard their toddler scream as if hurt, only to discover the source of the scream was a minor frustration such as not being able to reach a toy. The child’s cognitions in this stage are quite concrete; circumstances are either “all good” or “all bad” and there is little room for ambiguity. Children under age 5 can therefore mistake a parent’s loud tone with an alert to a true threat. This can be terrifying for a child in this developmental stage.

Fear is one of the most basic and universal emotions—every animal experiences it. Fear is centered on a primitive part of our brain called the amygdala. When fear permeates a young child’s emotional experience, such as in a household with daily episodes of yelling, the amygdala will become overly active and this will inhibit the child’s brain from working on higher-level functions such as concentration, reflection, learning, decision making, and behavior planning.

With older children who are more verbal, the words that are shouted can be even more harmful than the tone itself. Even though yelling is an attempt to gain control through aggression, the irony is that in doing so, we actually lose control of our behavior and our ability to filter and manage what we are expressing. Negative labeling, blaming, and other harsh words are especially harmful to children because children accept unconditionally that what their parents say is true. Children between approximately ages 5 and 10 have the cognitive ability to understand the words themselves, but not the adult’s emotional context. They will internalize the messages from the parent without questioning if they are accurate, and will add those messages to their budding self-concept.

[fat_widget_left]Finally, many parents who yell can relate to this scenario: “When I don’t yell, my child doesn’t listen to me. He or she only seems to respond (do what I want) when I yell.” The escalation involved in yelling can become a self-reinforcing feedback loop. Children can become desensitized over time to their parent’s escalation pattern. The child, who is interested mainly in persisting in play or attending to his or her own agenda, will naturally search for ways out of responding to a parent’s demands. We cannot fault the child for this; it is simply a piece of his or her development. The more parent-free space and time a growing child can carve out, the more he or she can explore the world around him/her and his/her own inner experience. The child learns that the parent will eventually escalate to yelling each time, and so the child learns that he or she does not need to respond until and unless yelling is used. The “pre-yelling” time becomes seen by the child as “don’t have to listen yet” time. And the parent, on the other side of this interaction, keeps needing to up the ante over time to get the same response.

How Do We Break the Yelling ‘Addiction’?

1. Set a SMART goal around yelling: a Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant, and Time-bound goal that solidifies your commitment to changing this behavior. Such a goal may sound like this: “Within the next month, I will decrease my instances of yelling on weekday mornings until I’m yelling once per week or less during that time period.” Write down your goal and put it in a place you will see it every day.

2. Find ways to increase true power, so that false control is less tempting. Yelling is false control. It feels powerful in the moment, but it undermines our internal self-control and the quality of our relationships over time. Ways to gain true power include:

3. Assume responsibility for the outcome of each interaction. You are the parent. You set the stage for the relationship between you and your child. If your child escalates, this does not mean you must escalate. If the situation escalates, this does not mean you must escalate. No matter how bad the traffic, how frustrating the missing shoe, how grating the whining, or how sassy the defiance—in the end, you always have a choice.

4. Speaking of choices, realize that yelling is only one of hundreds of things you can choose to do in a frustrating moment. Instead of yelling, you could:

Some parents choose a grounding object, color, or mantra which they use to bring their attention away from their momentary anger and refocus it on their goal.

5. Return often to a developmental lens through which to view your children. At all times, children must be expected to behave as children. They cannot and do not think, process, or behave as you do. It is entirely predictable that children will lose things, drag their feet, misunderstand you, ignore you, and throw tantrums at inopportune times. The more you can remind yourself that this is developmentally normal, the less you will feel personally offended or annoyed by childish behavior.

6. When—not if—you do yell, be prepared to acknowledge and apologize for this to your children. Parents must be willing to role-model to children the process of owning up to poor choices and the effects they can have on others. If as parents we are not willing to do so, how can we expect the same from our children?

Breaking ingrained patterns of interaction like yelling is not an easy thing to do. Parents must take full responsibility for “being the change they want to see” in their families. Parents must make their tendencies and triggers conscious, face them honestly, and focus their attention on them if they wish to change. Keeping a written goal, a list of alternatives, and a developmental perspective will be of great help to the parent who wishes to reduce yelling. Over time, parents who make these efforts will be able to enjoy a great deal more peace in their family, a reduction in stressful feelings, and an increase in the amount of true power they are able to exert over their lives and actions.

Important Notice

GoodTherapy is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, medical treatment, or therapy. Always seek the advice of your physician or qualified mental health provider with any questions you may have regarding any mental health symptom or medical condition. Never disregard professional psychological or medical advice nor delay in seeking professional advice or treatment because of something you have read on GoodTherapy.