When you are grieving the loss of a loved one, parent, or friend, your grief may take many different forms. It can be debilitating, causing your life to come to a screeching halt while you endeavor to sort out your feelings about the loss of a person who was such an important part of your life. At the same time, it might be a relief, a rejoicing that your loved one is no longer suffering from illness or pain.

Complicated grief is a complicated mixture of emotions, and it can keep us off balance and further the grieving process in ways we didn’t expect. This can go on indefinitely. There’s no timeline for grief—it continues for as long as we need to process our feelings and adjust ourselves to life without that person. If we experience regret over things we may have left unsaid, if we had unresolved issues with that person, it may take a while to come to terms with that.

Honoring Those We Have Lost

One thing that often comes up among the people I work with is their desire for a real way to honor their lost loved ones. Doing something concrete and meaningful that pays tribute to the life that was lost is one way people are often able to find closure. If the person who passed away didn’t leave a clear legacy to carry on, such as charity endowments or a pet cause, a bereaved person can still honor their memory by taking what they remember to be the best part of their loved one and making an effort to share those qualities and attributes in their everyday life. There isn’t much more of a fitting memorial to a loved one, in my opinion, than the continued sharing of those things that mattered to them most. [fat_widget_right]

Do good works and service.

Doing acts of service in the name of your loved one is a great way to honor their memory. Not only does it generally feel good to help others, we all have something we can give, whether this something is money, time, advice or mentoring, or even simply a listening ear. Each act of service can be a tribute to your loved one, and this tribute can help you to find a purpose for your grief.

Carry on their work.

If your loved one had a cause that was important to them, you can honor their life and memory by continuing their work. Working on issues your lost loved one felt passionate about is a wonderful way to remain connected and help keep their memory alive after they have passed. Directing your grief and loss into something real and positive that can make a difference may not only help you work through your pain but also establish something lasting that will keep their cause alive.

Develop what they admired.

Which of your particular strengths or qualities did your loved one see in you and admire and point out? Consider trying to direct your energy into developing those qualities to honor your loved one as you go forward in life. If your kindness was what drew them into contact and friendship with you, then continue to be kind. If they admired your honesty and forthright attitude, continue to be genuine and authentic with those you meet. This type of personal development serves both as a way to grow and develop your own goodness and to keep your loved one close in mind and heart.

Directing your grief and loss into something real and positive that can make a difference may not only help you work through your pain but also establish something lasting that will keep their cause alive.

Develop in yourself what you admired in them.

A friend of mine recently lost a friend and coworker to a tragic car accident involving a drunk driver. She was understandably angry and bitter about the driver, as their actions led to the loss of her dear friend. When we talked about her feelings, I encouraged her to channel her anger into a positive direction and to think of the legacy her friend had left for the world.

As it turned out, the woman who died had been a social worker and advocate for the poor who was known for her warm and giving personality. She had radiated joy and happiness to everyone she met. My friend resolved to transform her anger by spreading the warmth and happiness her friend had embodied, and her grief began to change into resolve when she realized that anger and bitterness were likely not the inheritance her friend wanted to leave.

It’s not easy to see beyond the pain when we lose someone we love. It’s certainly expected that we are likely going to be in a place of hurt and anguish for some time. I want to restate that no one can put a timeline on the grieving process, as each person must be able to fully grieve for as long as they need to. Time does not necessarily heal all wounds, not for everyone, but time can often be helpful by changing your perspective and helping you realize you do have the ability to live without that person in your world.

Finding ways to honor your loved one’s memory, and giving a purpose to your pain by learning to transform negative emotions to positive results, are positive and helpful steps toward making peace with the fact that your loved one is gone. If you struggle with the grief process, or with finding ways you can keep your loved one’s memory alive, a compassionate and qualified counselor can offer help and support.

In the United States, there are almost as many pets as there are adult humans. Collectively, Americans keep 60 million dogs, 70 million cats, and a host of other animals as pets. More than half of all families in the U.S. have at least one pet, and many of those families consider their pets to be members of the family. Although the actual science is hard to quantify, most pet owners believe that their animal companion enriches the quality of their lives, which is why it can be so painful when they die.

Losing a beloved animal companion can be a heart-rending experience. Having to make the decision to euthanize a long- and still-cherished pet is arguably even more difficult. People often struggle with overwhelming feelings of grief, loss, and guilt after choosing to put their pets to sleep. These strong feelings that accompany euthanizing a pet come as the result of their roles in our lives and the strong bonds we are capable of developing with animals. In fact, research by Jaroleman indicates that the bond between people and their pets can have a direct impact on physical and mental health.

While losing a pet can affect us in profound ways and may be quite painful, there are several strategies that might be employed to help people cope successfully after putting a pet to sleep.

Prepare for the Grieving Process

Our animal companions provide us with love, support, and loyalty, and they often fulfill an important psychological need. When we are faced with the decision to euthanize our pets, it is the end of an important relationship—for some, one of the most important relationships in their lives. Many pet owners will experience some form of the grief, though each person will grieve differently. Though there are many different models for the grieving process, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross offered these five stages of grief in her book On Death and Dying: [fat_widget_grief_right]

• Denial
• Bargaining
• Anger
• Depression
• Acceptance

The stages may not occur in any fixed order, and the duration and intensity of each stage can vary from person to person.

Do not be surprised if the pain you feel after putting your pet to sleep is deeper and sharper than you initially anticipated, so take the time you need to complete the grieving process. Losing companionship is never easy and it may take some time for you to come to terms with the changes in your family and life.

Seek Out Social Support

When we lose a close relative in death, the world around us tends to help us move through the grieving process. Family and friends may draw closer together for some time, we take time off from work, and people generally offer their support. The loss of a pet, however, is often met with much less sympathy or support. For example, a survey conducted by Quackenbush and Glickman revealed that 45% of pet owners that had lost a pet missed one to three days of work, even though most employers do not consider the loss of a pet to be grounds for bereavement leave.

While our immediate family members and veterinarians are likely able to relate to the pain we feel and offer needed support, some expect us to just “get on with it.” The world around us simply does not understand that our pet was not “just a dog” and that we cannot “just get a new one.”

According to research by Clements, Benasutti, and Carmone, “The loss or death of a pet, and the surrounding traumatic events, can unbalance existing social roles and family relationships, and can result in the disruption of dyadic relationships between the owner and other significant people (spouse, children, and colleagues).”

It is important not to push our friends and family members away, especially during this stressful time, and it may be helpful to open up to them and share our feelings. After all, who better to remind us of the wonderful times we shared together with our now departed pets?

If you don’t feel comfortable talking about how much your pet meant to you with your family and friends, consider making an appointment with a therapist. A therapist can provide healing support and help you understand the grieving process better. With time, he or she can provide tools and coping strategies to help you return to a normal life without your pet.

Anticipate a Change in Routine and Stay Busy with Meaningful Activities

Pet owners develop habits around their pets due to the dependency pets have on their human companions. Their very lives are at stake. Dedicated pet owners often set aside times for feeding, washing, and walking or exercising pets. For some people, their pets might even serve as living, breathing alarm clocks.

Humans are creatures of habit. We like to know what to expect and are comforted by the fact we exert a measure of control over our actions and responsibilities, but losing a pet dramatically alters that sense of routine and predictability. Quackenbush and Glickman’s survey of pet owners that had recently lost a pet found that 93% reported a disruption of their daily routines and 70% of respondents said their social activities diminished.

Considering this, it is easy to understand the emptiness a person might feel as he or she learns how to deal with life after a pet has been euthanized. Each day is now filled with standardized voids and blocks of time with nothing to do and no animal companion to fill them.

To help soothe your grief, fill these time slots with fun and meaningful activities, especially in the company of supportive companions. Play board games, go to the park, or have a dinner party—anything you might enjoy. You might even consider making a donation to an animal-rights charity in the name of your recently deceased pet. Here are a few other suggestions for activities that may help you heal:

• Volunteer your time to a local animal shelter.
• To memorialize your pet, consider making a donation of needed items to a local animal shelter. You can ask family and friends to donate, which might present a good opportunity to talk about your deceased pet with them.
• Learn about therapeutic approaches to coping with grief, loss, and bereavement. Consider reaching out to a therapist to learn more.
• If you are experiencing guilt about euthanizing your pet, write a truthful letter addressed to your deceased animal friend about all the reasons you chose to do it. This may help you work through your guilt by addressing the practical, and perhaps merciful, reasons for your decision.

References:

1. Clements, P. T., Benasutti, K. M., & Carmone, A. (2003). Support for bereaved owners of pets. Perspectives in Psychiatric Care, 39(2), 49-54. Retrieved from http://search.proquest.com/docview/200756802?accountid=1229
2. Jaroleman, J. (1998). A comparison of the reaction of children and adults: Focusing on pet loss and bereavement. Omega, 37, 133-150.
3. Quackenbush, J. E., & Glickman, L. (1984). Helping people adjust to the death of a pet. Health and Social Work 9(1), 42-48.
4. Sable, P. (1995). Pets, attachment, and well-being across the life cycle. Social Work, 40(3), 334-41. Retrieved from http://search.proquest.com/docview/215272292?accountid=1229
5. Spencer, S., Decuypere, E., Aerts, S., & De Tavernier, J. (2006). History and ethics of keeping pets: Comparison with farm animals. Journal of Agricultural and Environmental Ethics, 19(1), 17-25. doi:http://dx.doi.org/10.1007/s10806-005-4379-8

A new year is under way, a time when people are reflecting on their lives and setting goals aimed at moving closer to long-term aspirations. If you recently experienced the death of a loved one, you may feel grateful just to have survived the first holiday season without them. Focusing on goals and aspirations while your grief still feels so present may seem paradoxical. But doing so is an essential part of your grief work, according to M. Katherine Shear, MD, founder and director of The Center for Complicated Grief at Columbia University.

While each grief process is unique, the loss of someone with whom you have shared a deep emotional and supportive relationship usually causes the most intense grief reaction. Someone who has held you up emotionally when you were in crisis, helped shape your sense of self, and/or encouraged you to reach for your dreams is physically removed from your life forever. So it makes sense that in the acute phase of grief, you may feel as though you have lost your sense of self or feel unsure of your life purpose.

[fat_widget_grief_right]

Grief is an expression of love that continues after death. You shouldn’t expect your grief to ever end completely. However, it is possible for your grief to become more integrated; painful emotions occur less frequently and with less intensity, and no longer interfere significantly with work, other relationships, or your experience of positive emotions.

The path to integrated grief requires three interrelated processes:

• Accepting the reality of your loved one’s death
• Finding new meaning or purpose in your life
• Continuing the bond with your deceased

Humans are innately motivated to search for meaning in living. However, if you are overwhelmed by sadness as you struggle to accept the reality of a loved one’s death, it may seem impossible to think about trying to find new meaning in your living without them. But after the first few months following your loved one’s death, if you can spend a short period, on as many days as possible, focused on redefining your goals and reimagining your life purpose, it can offer glimpses of joy—a welcome respite from your sadness. It may help you with acceptance on a deeper level of your loved one’s death. Greater acceptance of the death may help you to reconnect with your deceased loved one in memory. Reconnecting with your loved one may alleviate some of the longing and sadness you feel so you are more free to focus on redefining your goals and reimagining your life purpose.

Maladaptive thinking, such as the belief one doesn’t deserve to experience the joy that comes with a renewed life purpose after the death of a loved one, can serve as an obstacle, keeping an individual locked in the acute phase of grief. People are sometimes unable to focus on new goals or life purpose because they fear accepting their loved one’s death and “moving on” means they will or must “forget about” their loved one.

It is important to have a balanced focus on all three processes. Knowing when and being able to shift your focus from working on acceptance of the death to focusing on future goals, or to reconnecting to your loved one, can be challenging. While many individuals can navigate the path to integrated grief with the support of other loved ones, some people can get stuck along the way. One reason for this is on a societal level, death, dying, and bereavement are still taboo topics. Thus, many individuals aren’t educated about the grief process, particularly about the importance of finding new meaning or purpose in living after the death of a loved one.

Maladaptive thinking, such as the belief one doesn’t deserve to experience the joy that comes with a renewed life purpose after the death of a loved one, can serve as an obstacle, keeping an individual locked in the acute phase of grief. People are sometimes unable to focus on new goals or life purpose because they fear accepting their loved one’s death and “moving on” means they will or must “forget about” their loved one. Thus, they may become fixated on people, situations, and places that remind them of the loved one when they were alive, or avoid circumstances that remind them of the loved one’s death. Both fixation and avoidance serve as obstacles to accepting the reality of the death.

Even though grief is a normal response to the death of a loved one, and finding new meaning is a natural human tendency, the path to integrated grief can be a complicated one. If more than a few months have passed since your loved one died, and you are feeling overwhelmed or recognize your grief is interfering with your day-to-day functioning, it may be beneficial to work with a mental professional who specializes in grief work. They can work with you to help you remove obstacles in your path so you can balance the range of emotions that come with the struggle to accept your loved one’s death, the joy that can emanate from finding new meaning in your living, and the peace that flows from reconnecting with your deceased loved one.

A new year is under way. Will you accept the invitation to allow it to be the beginning of a new life for yourself?

Reference:

Shear, M. K. (2015). Complicated Grief Treatment: A Handout for Patients, Friends, and Family Members. Columbia Center for Complicated Grief, The Trustees of Columbia University in the City of New York. Retrieved from https://complicatedgrief.columbia.edu/tools-and-resources/

Dealing with grief and loss is a reality we all must confront at some point. The experience of grief is different for everyone, and it has no timetable. Grieving, however, is a necessary part of the coping and healing processes.

The recent death of a friend’s son has created within me a vision of the world through which only the lenses of my eyes can see and the beat of my heart can feel. His death has inspired the desire and passion to live my best life every day while giving service to others. This could have easily gone the opposite way, leading to feelings of utter isolation, depression, and loneliness.

For all the pain it brings, grief holds many lessons:

[fat_widget_grief_right]

• Grief teaches us that loss is inevitable.
• Grief teaches us not to take loved ones for granted.
• Grief teaches us about our faith.
• Grief teaches us to be patient.
• Grief teaches us that we should live every day creating memories that will comfort us after our loved ones are gone.
• Grief teaches us about our feelings.
• Grief teaches us that it is necessary to grieve. It allows us to move forward.
• Grief teaches us to find our purpose in life.
• Grief teaches us that pain and joy can coexist.
• Grief teaches us to be true to ourselves.

What has your grief taught you?

The Kübler-Ross Model of Grief

Loss can leave us with a wide range of emotions. The experience of each emotion signals that a deep bond has been broken. One day we may be in denial, anger, or depression. Other days, we might feel like we can go on. Until, that is, the cycle starts all over again.

In her 1969 book On Death and Dying, psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross introduced what came to be known as the “five stages of grief,” which represent the typical series of experiences for those who have faced loss:

[amazon_affiliate]

1. Denial: “This isn’t happening.”
2. Anger: “How could this happen?”
3. Bargaining: “Please make this not happen. In return I will ___.”
4. Depression: “I’m too sad to do anything.”
5. Acceptance: “I’m finally at peace with what happened.”

As stated earlier, each person experiences grief in different ways. Thus, it’s important to emphasize that while the Kübler-Ross model serves as a general guide for how grief is often processed, not everyone experiencing grief or loss may experience every stage, let alone in order.

How to Help a Grieving Friend

If someone you know has lost a loved one, the following suggestions may help:

• Listen: Follow the advice of musician Michael McLean. When someone is grieving, “show up and shut up.” The grief-stricken person needs to be heard and feel that someone cares. Grief is a personal experience, an experience that belongs solely to the person experiencing it, and you must allow them the respect and time they deserve. Listening to someone who grieves is an invaluable gift.
• Be a gatekeeper: In an intensely painful and overwhelming time, offer to be the person through which information is filtered for dissemination. You may find that other friends, family members, and acquaintances ask for information about your friend. Normalize grief with responses such as, “They have good days and bad days—and probably will for a long time.” Or, “Grief never really ceases. It is something you carry with you in different ways for the rest of your life.”

Getting Support for Grief

The grieving process can be long and lonely. If you are grieving, take the time you need, meet any challenging emotions that arise within you with self-compassion, and accept support from others. Talking about grief is an important part of healing. Receiving reassurance and feeling empathy expressed for your loss may help make the recovery process seem a little less daunting. If you need or desire further support, I strongly encourage you to contact a licensed therapist who works with grief and loss.

References:

1. Kübler-Ross, E. (1969). On death and dying: What the dying have to teach doctors, nurses, clergy, and their own families. New York: Macmillan.
2. McLean, M. (n.d.). Hoping. Retrieved from http://www.michaelmcleanmusic.com/page/47

Anyone who has lost somebody they love will likely agree the death of someone close usually causes a deep and painful grieving process.

The people you care about typically validate these losses, understand they cause pain, and offer comfort and support. They don’t always give you what you need, but many at least try.

But what about a loss in which nobody died? Does it count as grief?

There are many examples of loss that don’t necessarily involve death, such as:

• Loss of a career you cherished
• Loss of a role you played in your community or church
• Loss of health
• A loss of closeness to a family member or friend
• A decline in financial status
• Divorce

It may be hard to imagine going through one of the above experiences without feeling the pain of loss—also known as grief. If you experience similar circumstances, you may find yourself asking for support and not getting it. Others may not understand the magnitude of your pain, so they don’t validate your loss. Of course, people who have lost someone to death get disappointing responses, too, but experiencing a loss that doesn’t involve a death may feel like you’re doing it all on your own without the support of peers or loved ones.

[fat_widget_grief_right]

An Example of a Non-Death Loss

I have a friend who worked for 30 years at the same company. He loved his work and was admired for his kind, helpful demeanor, his intellect, and his ability to get things done under pressure. His coworkers loved him, and his Of course, people who have lost someone to death get disappointing responses, too, but experiencing a loss that doesn’t involve a death may feel like you’re doing it all on your own without the support of peers or loved ones.superiors promoted him. He woke up every day with enthusiasm and a sense of purpose. Then, his company decided to move.

He was offered the opportunity to move with them, but his mother had dementia and lived with him, and his grown son and grandchildren lived near him. If he moved, he would disrupt his mother’s life and be far from his family. He chose not to move with the company.

For the next five years, he tried to find a career that offered the same sense of purpose and camaraderie he’d experienced, but never found it. At night, he’d lay awake missing the people he worked with and the experience of feeling useful. He finally admitted to himself it was time to retire.

Retirement brought another period of questioning his purpose and more time to think about his losses. Then, his mother died and his son and grandkids moved out of state. To say my friend was grieving is an understatement.

5 Tips for Those Experiencing Grief and Loss

What can you do when you experience losses like these to help yourself feel better? Here are some ideas that might help:

1. Name and validate your own emotions.

Acknowledging the story of the pain by writing down what happened can sometimes be a reality check that helps you see you aren’t flawed, but that your circumstances are difficult. One of the most common responses to emotional pain I see is the belief that there must be something wrong with us if we feel so bad. But big emotions will come with big experiences. Acknowledging the importance of the loss and giving yourself a break may help you recover.

2. Be kind to yourself.

Engage in calming or distracting activities such as meditation, do physical exercise that you enjoy, or engage in a connecting conversation with a friend. All these activities not only take your mind off the pain, but offer you a positive experience instead. Positive experiences can work to rewire your brain toward a more optimistic and hopeful focus.

3. Remind yourself of that which makes you grateful.

Making a daily practice of noticing what we’re grateful for helps orient us toward what is already working. The more you think about what is good, the more good you’ll likely find. The brain’s natural tendency is to focus on what isn’t working because you’ve been programmed that way through evolution. Instead, make note of what is good when faced with those grief-drenched days that feel certain to be sad and heavy. It doesn’t have to be limited to big things: the tangy smell of a fresh lemon, your two hands that do so much for you and others, that songbird singing outside your window. Putting your attention on these kinds of small, wondrous experiences can go a long way toward healing after a painful loss.

4. Engage in positive self-talk.

It’s important you not get caught up in blaming yourself or identifying your character “defects” as part of your grief process. Some people naturally gravitate toward self-blame when something goes wrong. Even if there was something you could have done, you’re human like the rest of us. You deserve the same kindness and understanding you would offer a friend. Be careful you don’t make things worse by inflicting negative messages on yourself. Chances are excellent you don’t deserve them, and they’ll only make you feel worse.

5. Talk to somebody who’s a good listener.

If you have a best friend or family member who’s a good listener, you can engage them in some meaningful conversations about your pain. If they grow weary of listening or you’re not quite getting what you need, you can talk to a therapist, who, in many ways, is a professional listener. Therapists are trained to listen objectively and offer support and guidance that can help you find your way out of the morass. Remember, what you’re experiencing is very real, and you don’t have to go through it alone.

References:

1. Hanson, R. (2007). Your Wonderful Brain. Retrieved from http://media.rickhanson.net/home/files/WonderfulBrain1.pdf
2. Hanson, R. (2007). Seven Facts About the Brain That Incline the Mind to Joy. Retrieved from http://media.rickhanson.net/home/files/7FactsforJoy.pdf

The death of a parent is a loss like no other. Our relationships with our parents shape the fiber of who we are. Without them in our lives, a significant piece of our identity may irrevocably change. When unresolved feelings or even estrangement remains, the loss of one’s parents can be even more complicated.

Becoming an adult orphan can be one of the hardest life transitions a person can experience. For me, the loss of my dad felt like the end of an era and the loss of my moral anchor. It was as if I had entered a new level of adulthood. A new path needed to be forged, and all of the familiar guideposts had suddenly shifted.

I often felt adrift and lost. My father’s presence in my life was enormous, and in his absence I struggled to fill the void. I often felt anxious and afraid. Whom would I go to now for the unconditional love only my father could provide? Who could answer my questions about the past? I did not feel ready to be the keeper of the family wisdom; that was his job. Ready or not, in many cases the death of a parent forces you to assume a new role or responsibility within the family.

[fat_widget_grief_right]

Losing your parents can cause you to question your identity. One woman I work with in the therapy room whose father had recently died wondered aloud if she was still a daughter. The answer was and is yes, but in a different way. Our relationships with our parents live on in our hearts, minds, and memories.

Our parents live on in the way we honor their impact on our lives, traditions, and family rituals. For some adult orphans, the transition may mean the loss of a family home, mementos, and other treasured things. The responsibility to manage final tasks, as painful as they may be, can also be an important part of the mourning process.

Our parents live on in the way we honor their impact on our lives, traditions, and family rituals.

For many, losing our parents means losing a sense of safety and security. It may mean losing people—perhaps even the only people—who loved you unconditionally, who were your biggest supporters, and who occupied the greatest space in your life. Their presence in your life may be matched only by their absence. The loss can feel overwhelming.

Navigating this loss may take time, support, and patience. It may redefine your life and reshape it, perhaps even changing your priorities. You may find yourself suddenly more aware of the importance of documenting family gatherings and traditions. You may also have a deeper appreciation for the things that create these traditions, such as family photos, recipes for special occasions, or assembling holiday decorations.

There’s no “right way” to cope with the loss of one’s parents. However, the following suggestions and reminders can be helpful as you navigate this unfamiliar emotional landscape.

• Be gentle with yourself. The death of a parent is hard. If possible, give yourself as much time to grieve as needed without the additional stress of work or other life demands.
• Pace yourself. The tasks associated with arranging services, sorting through possessions, and handling the estate can be emotionally exhausting and simultaneously healing. Do what you can, focus on the things that must be done, ask for help when needed, and accept the support of loved ones and friends.
• Prioritize rest and eating well. Sleep might be difficult to come by, but without proper rest and nourishment, your body and mind cannot function well.
• Make time for self-care. Exercise and activities such as yoga or meditation can help manage the stress that comes with grief and loss.
• Reach out to others who are also grieving. Connect with other family members affected by the loss, or consider joining a local support group. The support of others who have recently experienced loss may help you feel less alone.
• Use your loss to help others. You may find comfort, for example, in donating a parent’s clothing or belongings to charity.
• Keep the past present. Consider reinstating a tradition of your parents as a way to honor and remember them.
• Contact a therapist. If the pain of grieving becomes too great, seek the support of a compassionate mental health professional. Many therapists and counselors specialize in supporting the bereaved.

During a recent therapy session, I had a profound exchange with a man about how, months after the tragic loss of his sister, grief is changing him in ways that feel important and meaningful.

There is a clear delineation of causality within our conversations; there is no sugarcoating the hell he is living or the pain he will always feel. The grief is not a “gift,” and it did not happen “for a reason.” But it did happen. And the ways in which this man is choosing to live with it are giving him a deeper experience in life.

He is motivated to switch careers to something more fulfilling and mission-driven. He wants to move closer in proximity to the people he loves most. And what he organizes his life around on a daily basis is shifting toward quality of experience versus social status or traditional measures of success.

Making changes such as these, while often worth it, can be very difficult. It can be painful, lonely, confusing, filled with uncertainty, and extremely uncomfortable, to name a few. For this particular man, his newfound intentions further rattled a life that has already been turned inside-out.

[fat_widget_grief_right]

Yet after the initial blackout period of grief, a period in which devastation and heartbreak were all he could see, he is now in a place where he is able to come up for air and reassess his life. He is taking inventory of where he has been, where he is now, and where he wants to be.

The grief has given him an understanding of life he never asked for—to know how short it really is. The grief from the loss of his sister forced him to go inside himself, where he found more core truths of who he is and how he wants to live than ever before. While he lost much, he is realizing through his grief journey he found more of himself.

You have to enter into a partnership with the grief. You have to agree to be changed by it. This means acknowledging that the transformative process will be hard, that you will most likely have to let even more things in your life go, but that in the end your voice will be clearer and stronger. Your life will feel more yours—even with the ever-present loss and pain.

These transformative realizations are not always easy to let in or act on. However, if you are willing, grief can change you in a way that leads to greater meaning, freedom, authenticity, and comfort. Pain and beauty can coexist. Grief and joy can both sit at the table.

To have this type of experience, to undergo transformative grief, you have to be willing to be changed by the grief. It is not an automatic process.

You have to enter into a partnership with the grief. You have to agree to be changed by it. This means acknowledging that the transformative process will be hard, that you will most likely have to let even more things in your life go, but that in the end your voice will be clearer and stronger. Your life will feel more yours—even with the ever-present loss and pain.

The point is not for your loss to be softened or minimized. Why should it be? The point is if you are willing to work with this horrible loss, you can allow it to change you in meaningful ways, perhaps with the help of a therapist. Grief and pain can contain an alchemical process that empowers you, points you straight to your truth, and removes old fears.

This does not necessarily mean your life will be better than before. It does not mean the pain goes away. It means you adjust to your new normal and find a life inside of it—a life that still hurts, but that also finds beauty, love, courage, and truth. Transformative grief allows you to live more fully.

In Part II, we will cover how to enact this transformative process—and the pitfalls you may face in excavating joy from within the pain.

As the holidays and end of the year approach, many experience the recurrence of grief as they remember happy times with a deceased loved one. Loss and grief are among the most powerful emotions we can experience. When grief recurs, particularly in relation to the pain of holidays, it can be confusing and overwhelming.

During the holiday season, symptoms of grief that have previously relented might suddenly return, and it can seem as though one is actively grieving again. This experience is known as an “anniversary reaction” or “anniversary grief.”

[fat_widget_grief_right]The first year following a loss is considered the most challenging as a griever faces many new experiences for the first time without the loved one. Psychologist Dr. Therese Rando (1993) describes six processes necessary for healthy grieving. Among these processes is the need for readjustment into the world without the lost loved one. This is, perhaps, the biggest challenge faced during the first year after a death.

It’s common for waves of grief to overwhelm and disrupt the process of adjustment, as described by Rando. Although anniversary reactions can occur for many years following a loved one’s death, they are usually felt most keenly during this first year as milestones are confronted. Holiday milestones can be particularly difficult as anticipation builds.

The deeper truth of loss is that we are never truly finished with grieving when someone significant to us dies. However, there are many ways to live with the loss without suffering from it.Symptoms can include anxiety, anger, and difficulty sleeping, including waking up early or falling asleep. Sadness, crying, fatigue, difficulty concentrating and focusing, and loss of interest in social activities can also be common. Additionally, symptoms may be more than emotional changes. Often, intrusive memories of the loss and memories of past celebrations return.

The deeper truth of loss is that we are never truly finished with grieving when someone significant to us dies. However, there are many ways to live with the loss without suffering from it. It is important to know the return of grief is a normal part of the healing process.

Here are some suggestions to manage the reactions to anniversary grief during the holidays:

• Change holiday gatherings to limit painful reminders. Gather for a breakfast meal instead of the traditional dinner and consider having another person host the holiday if you traditionally did so.
• Consider volunteering for a charity activity as a way of honoring the lost loved one.
• Use your support system and reach out to friends and loved ones to help you through. Tell them which memories may be most difficult and how you would prefer to handle them. Give yourself permission to limit participation in family or social gatherings as needed. Be mindful of your support system during these times, and remain connected.
• Reconnect with a counselor or bereavement support group.
• Be gentle toward yourself and handle your memories with care. You can choose which memories to focus on and decide to release particular memories if they create longing or hold you in the past in an unpleasant way.
• Calm your pain by focusing on both the sad and happy memories shared with your loved one. Recalling happy memories can help ease the pain of the loss.
• Create space to intentionally remember and grieve regularly. Use this time to consciously recall memories and set the memories aside. Some find it helpful to imagine a container for these memories, which can be opened and closed as needed.
• Rituals and memorials are helpful for acknowledging the anniversary while also containing the emotional intensity of the event. Draw on your culture, family traditions, and religious or spiritual beliefs to guide you in the creation of a meaningful remembrance.

References:

1. Corr, C. A., Nabe, C. M. and & Corr, D. M. (1997). Death and Dying, Life and Living, Pacific Grove, CA: Brooks/Cole Publishing Company.
2. Rando, T. A. (1993). Treatment of Complicated Mourning. Champaign, IL: Research Press.

Last week, our cat died. Frodo was a stray tomcat we took in 11 years ago. We weren’t sure about his age, though we’re guessing he lived to be about 14 years old. He didn’t show any signs of illness, and while I knew he was old, I wasn’t fully prepared to get the call that he had gone to sleep and had not woken up.

Although I was very sad at his passing, I was happy that he lived a good, long life with us. I know he slipped away peacefully.

How My Daughter Took the News

I wasn’t prepared for the reaction of my 8-year-old daughter. She was in the car when I received the phone call telling me what had happened, and when I hung up, I told her. After she had expressed sadness, she began asking when we could get another cat. I had to tell her several times that this was something I couldn’t talk about now because I was really sad.

[fat_widget_right]We had been talking for months that sooner or later one of our many animals was going to pass away. I wanted to prepare her. I think I also wanted to prepare myself for her reaction.

When she was two years old, my daughter drew a face on a balloon. When she accidentally let go of it, she sobbed herself to sleep. I expected her reaction to losing a cat would be greater than that. It wasn’t.

A Child’s Grief

Losing a pet is often the first experience of grief a child has. Give them the space and permission to work through it on their own terms, but with your love and support. Talk to them about how it felt when you were a child and lost an animal you loved.When it was time, my daughter created an elaborate funeral procession and burial for Frodo. She took comfort in making sure his grave was decorated with flowers, and she shed a few tears throughout the process. And that was okay.

Just like every adult grieves differently for each death, each child grieves differently for each loss. The way a child mourns a beloved pet at the age of four may change dramatically when he or she reaches the age of ten.

As a parent, you may feel uncomfortable talking about loss. You may get uncomfortable with how your child is behaving. Some kids want to immediately replace the pet, and others refuse to consider it. One child may not cry at all in front of you but will cry silently at night. Another child will talk about their pet endlessly and cry constantly for days.

As a parent, there are things you can do to help your child manage their sadness when their pet dies:

• Allow them to grieve in their own way, even if it’s not how you grieve. They may want to do an elaborate funeral or they may not want to do anything to remember their pet. Give them the freedom to mourn in a way that feels right for them.
• Expect delayed grief. Some children, especially younger ones, don’t fully understand what death means. The finality of it can be hard to comprehend and accept. They may seem calm until something triggers a memory.
• Give yourself space to grieve the loss. It’s absolutely OK to give yourself privacy and time to mourn.
• Talk about the pet you lost. Talk about the wonderful memories you have. Express your own sadness to your child and ask how they feel about it.
• Listen to them. Listen to them talk about the pet who died, about what they miss, or about wanting another pet to replace the one that passed away.
• Be careful with the words you use with young children. Telling your son that you “put Fido to sleep so he’s not hurting anymore” can cause fear or confusion. Do your best to explain the decision to euthanize a pet that is in great pain.
• Expect uncomfortable questions. When we thought we might have to euthanize one of our pets, my daughter asked if we do that to people. Children may question what happens to their pet when they die, or if they’ll ever see them again.

Losing a pet is often the first experience of grief a child has. Give them the space and permission to work through it on their own terms, but with your love and support. Talk to them about how it felt when you were a child and lost an animal you loved. Above all, let them know that the intense sadness they feel now won’t last forever.

The phrase “moving on” is common in the grief and loss world, but it isn’t very well understood or, frankly, all that helpful.

What does it mean? What does moving on look like? How does one actually do it?

Unfortunately, there isn’t a clear answer to those questions.

However, there are things it can be helpful to know about “moving on” after the death of a loved one, divorce, or other painful life event.

1. You Are Not Responsible for How Others Feel about Your Grief Process

Typically, it feels like what those around us mean by “moving on” is for us to stop hurting, stop talking about it, stop remembering, stop crying, and just stop grieving. They talk about wishing we would stop dwelling on the hurt and encourage us to just let go and accept what happened.

[fat_widget_grief_right]

The truth is, what they actually want is for us to stop making them uncomfortable about our pain. Let’s face it—being with someone who is in pain and grieving isn’t the easiest of experiences. It’s difficult to watch someone we love hurting so deeply.

But other people’s discomfort with your grief is their business, not yours. You are not responsible for making them feel more comfortable.

2. Moving On Doesn’t Mean Forgetting

I suspect that the primary difficulty many of us have with the phrase “moving on” is that it often feels as if we’re being told to forget our loved one or the relationship we once had.

That’s not what moving on means. Moving on is more about learning to live what I call a both/and life rather than an either/or life. It’s not about grieving or forgetting, happy or sad, black or white. It’s shades of gray.

It’s about learning to live a full and happy life even as you miss and long for what you have lost. It’s about remembering and honoring the one you loved while also embracing the beauty and fullness of the life you still get to live. It’s about the brilliance of your love and the shadow of your loss coexisting in this complex and expansive experience we call living.

Grief and loss are complex, multifaceted, and multilayered. Loss and our experience of grief are integrated into our lives, not things we get rid of.

3. Moving On Doesn’t Mean the End of Grief, Either

Moving on from grief doesn’t mean a static end. It doesn’t mean suddenly we’re done grieving and will never hurt again. Moving on is more about moving forward than being done.

Grief and loss are complex, multifaceted, and multilayered. Loss and our experience of grief are integrated into our lives, not things we get rid of. Grief changes and morphs over time. We get stronger as we carry it, the edges of it round and dull, and with time it begins to take up less space in our lives. It doesn’t simply disappear. Grief can (and will) continue to remind us of our loss throughout our lifetimes, in different ways and at different times.

We move forward with life, embracing the fullness of it, even as our loss becomes part of who we now are.

4. Ultimately, You Get to Define “Moving On” for Yourself

People will have all kinds of advice and well-meaning intentions about how you should move on, when you should do it, and what it should look like. They, however, cannot determine that for you.

There are no timelines or rules to the grieving process. You will move through it at your unique pace and not one minute faster. The process of grieving is unique to each of us. No amount of pressure from others can make us move through our process any faster, not in any kind of healthy way.

Only you can know when you are ready to move forward after your loss. Only you can decide what it means to let go or accept the loss you experienced. Only you can truly decide what it means to move on and move forward.

Whatever that looks like for you, it is perfect and right.

What does a counselor say to a teen who just found out his or her best friend has died an unexpected death? I recently found myself facing that very challenge. I found myself asking, “What can I do or say to fill the space?”

Sometimes, there simply are no words. While adults often have strong opinions about what grief should look like, such as talking about feelings, teens often don’t want to talk and just want to be with their feelings. An important lesson I learned is that when a teen is grieving, he/she needs to be given the same respect, trust, and space that adults receive when they are grieving in order to process feelings in his/her own way. Initially, teens often don’t want to answer questions, do art therapy, journal about their feelings, etc.

As I sat with a teen in my office, wondering if I should implement the strategies stated above, I could almost hear the words, “Just let me have my feelings!” I began to realize that I was the one uncomfortable with the silence and with “just being there” as the teen tried to absorb and process an event that forever changed the teen’s life. This is not to say that, at some point, opportunities for the teen to express grief won’t be helpful and therapeutic; however, the process needs to happen on the teen’s timeline, not mine.

[fat_widget_grief_right]

There is no “right” way for teens to mourn the loss of a friend. I believe teens get through the mourning process in a more effective way if the adults in their lives walk that journey with them without trying to determine and/or tell them what they need and/or where they should be in the grieving process. Teens need to understand that they are in a grieving process and allow themselves to feel their feelings, which can be very scary. Initially, teens may resist allowing themselves to feel anger, sadness, confusion, the need for answers, and regret. They need to be given permission to “meet themselves where they are” and to understand that it is normal for their emotions to change frequently. At some point, opportunities for teens to express their grief through art, writing, talking, etc., will be helpful and therapeutic.

What is the best way for parents to “walk the journey” with a teen who has lost a friend to death? While each situation is different and individualized, parents can take the role of listener and learner and allow the teen to be the teacher. Parents need to follow their teen’s lead. Another way parents can walk beside their teen without being intrusive is by providing the support of outside resources that the teen can access as he/she feels the need to or when he/she feels ready to, before the teen has an opportunity to get stuck in the grief process.

Parents need to be mindful of their own grief issues, as they will influence the way they relate to their teen. Parents often fear that their teen will become suicidal or stuck in their grief and believe they need to monitor the teen at all times. While this belief comes from a spirit of caring, sometimes a teen will feel smothered and become resentful if the teen perceives that he/she doesn’t have the opportunity to grieve in his/her own way. While parents and other family members and friends should be nearby and available, a teen may need the opportunity to perceive that he/she has enough space to sob, yell, or scream without the fear that anyone can hear. Parents need to be careful of directing their teen’s grief process as opposed to being a companion and support.

While teens should not be judged for the way they grieve, clearly there are constructive behaviors as well as destructive behaviors teens may engage in while mourning. Behaviors that are considered constructive are those that encourage teens to face their grief, such as talking with trusted family members or friends and expressing emotion (along with creating art, journaling, etc.). Behaviors that are considered destructive are those that allow teens to “numb” their feelings, such as drugs, alcohol, reckless sexual behavior, antisocial behavior, academic problems, etc.

Grief is not something that ends. Without the intention of being offensive, many often say, “You need to move on,” but grief is not something one gets over. It is something that changes over time and is eventually accepted.