When parents divorce, they sometimes forget that their children didn’t also get a divorce. They still have their two-parent family, even if that family occupies two households instead of one.

Sometimes, though, it seems too hard to figure out how to communicate with someone you are no longer in a relationship with. But because you have children together, you can’t just go your separate ways, hoping you do not run into each other. Perhaps you or the other parent thought you’d no longer have to have the same, old arguments about parenting that you used to have, that it would all be behind you.

What you have perhaps learned by now is that you continue to have the same disagreements about the children, only from your separate homes. You still have to figure out your parenting timeshare as well as how the children will go back and forth between your houses, get to school and to their activities, get their homework done, make medical and educational decisions, and other considerations. And you still have to learn how to interact with the other parent to help make all these things happen, and to be civil and cordial with each other while in the children’s presence.

Perhaps instead of getting easier, it has not only gotten harder, it hasn’t changed the problems that weren’t addressed when you were together. What to do now?

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Working on your co-parenting relationship may be more than you may have thought you were emotionally prepared to do. One of you may have moved out of the family home, emotions may be running high due to the pain and disappointment of the end of the relationship, and perhaps not knowing what’s next—or worse, continually anticipating that what’s next is something you won’t like—is wearing on you. You may find that every decision holds the possibility of anger and anxiety. It may be that all you want to do is stay as far away from the other parent as possible, if only to collect yourself and find a way to try again.

If this is your experience, it is often helpful to work with a co-parenting therapist to help turn down the heat.

In co-parenting therapy, with the help of a third, neutral party, you will have the opportunity to:

1. Talk about the issues that you find most difficult to discuss with your ex.
2. Make decisions regarding those things which cannot be different for a child living in two households (the school your child attends, medical decisions, team sports, etc.).
3. Identify the decisions you can make separately for each of your households (bed times, food, houses of worship, etc.).
4. Address your communication styles and the interactions you have with each other as a result of the different ways you have of expressing yourselves.
5. Understand the reactions you each have to the other. The most effective tool you have to change the level of conflict in your relationship is to work on how you react to the other parent.

Co-parenting therapy can help you learn how to communicate more effectively, with the goal that you will not need the help of a third party to co-parent your children and you will be able to do so without conflict. Research has shown that when parents are able to put their differences aside and work to establish a post-divorce family that is not characterized by conflict, most children are able to adapt well to the changes in the family structure.

Co-parenting therapy is appropriate regardless of whether you still live in the same house and are preparing to live separately, have recently set up separate households, want to make adjustments to the parenting plan you’ve had in place for some time, or just need help communicating better about your child’s needs. Having a relationship with a co-parenting therapist can help you create an amicable relationship with your ex and protect your children from unnecessary conflict.

Going through a breakup is one of the most difficult experiences we can have. Heartache, grief, and confusion, mixed with feelings of powerlessness or even betrayal, can bring out the crazies in all of us. It can be hard to focus and function, making daily life overwhelming.

If you are going through a breakup, my heart goes out to you. I’ve been through it and I know how overwhelming it feels.

Here are my five top tips for moving on:

1. Cease ALL Contact

One of the biggest mistakes people make is fooling themselves into believing they can still be friends with their ex—right away. It may be possible down the road, but in order to get over someone, it’s best not to see them, speak to them, or know anything of them for a long time. You can’t simply switch off your romantic feelings toward someone and view them in a platonic or neutral way overnight. Continuing to stay in contact prolongs pain by allowing you to be hopeful. And having hope for reconciliation keeps you stuck in the transition and won’t allow you to get past the pain.

Zero contact means the obvious: no texting, talking, or getting together. But it also includes the covert: voyeurism and cyber-stalking, positioning yourself to “bump into” your ex by hanging out in places they go, communicating with his/her friends, or fabricating reasons to see each other, such as returning a toothbrush. [fat_widget_relationships_right]

2. Remember You ARE Lovable

We tend to bash ourselves after a breakup. We think of everything we believe we did wrong to drive the ex away, reminding ourselves of all our regrettable actions. We inflate our flaws and tell ourselves we aren’t good enough for the ex. This makes us feel unlovable and that we are somehow excluded or disqualified from winning in love.

It may be true that you tend toward a specific behavior that is not so appealing and it could have become the deal-breaker for the relationship—but even if that is the case, your behavior is not you and it is something you can change. YOU are still lovable. And the right person for you will appreciate all that you are.

3. Focus on the Big Picture

So often when someone breaks up with us, we tend to focus on all the positive things about the person and the relationship. This makes us pine for them even more, and we long to be with them for all those amazing qualities and times we had together. We relive the happy times and focus so vividly on the wonderful qualities of our ex.

If you allow yourself to step back, you will be able to see the whole picture. There were problems or unhealthy dynamics in the relationship, parts of your ex you didn’t like, and unpleasant feelings you had that you ignored. When you find yourself focusing on the wonderful parts, you will feel distraught, but if you shift your focus to include the unpleasant truths of your ex and the relationship, your emotional state will respond accordingly.

To solidify this, write a list of all the negative qualities of your ex, the parts of the dynamic you didn’t like, and how you often felt in the relationship. This is to help ground you in reality and not remain starry- eyed. You will soon come to understand that your ex did you a huge favor!

4. Look for the Lessons

When a relationship ends, people tend to get stuck in the idea that they wasted time. This kind of thinking puts us in a victim position, which can feel extremely powerless.

As tough as it can be to look within right now, it will help more than you can imagine if you are able to reflect on yourself in the relationship. If your ex is at fault or to blame for the relationship going wrong or ending, then you have no control in this situation and it will absolutely feel like a waste of time.

Dig in! Really try to take responsibility where you can, without condemning yourself, of course. If you can own up to your contributions that caused the relationship to sour, you will be able to learn the lessons this relationship was meant to teach you. And though it is a hard lesson to come by, it means you didn’t waste time at all. You will be more prepared and whole going into your next relationship, and both of you will benefit from those hard-earned growing pains.

If you take the time to write your findings, you may actually see a pattern emerge. You may come to see that your role in this current relationship looked very similar to previous relationships as well. Allowing yourself to see patterns of behavior means you can finally be clear about how to be healthier in the future.

5. Take Care of Yourself

If taking care of yourself means reaching out to friends or family, then do it now! You may tend to isolate when going through a tough time, so staying connected to your staunch supporters is vital to your recovery. They know you may not be great company right now, and that is OK.

On the other hand, if you tend to avoid your sadness by being social, drinking too much, or working a lot, you may need to provide yourself some downtime. Time alone to fall apart and grieve will help you move through this time quicker.

Make sure you are eating well, getting enough water, sleep, and exercise, and continue engaging in the activities that bring you pleasure. It may be tempting to forego all of that in self-punishment or self-pity, but it will truly only make you feel worse.

The quickest way to the other side of a long, dark, and scary tunnel is straight through. Embrace your reality, feel the feelings (you won’t melt), fall apart, and be a mess. Such a response is natural and congruent to the situation you are in right now. If you didn’t have these feelings, I would say you didn’t much care for the ex or the relationship.

If you feel yourself trying to take the long way around the tunnel to avoid feeling the feelings, please know that it will prolong your pain and you may get stuck. You can’t drink, eat, shop, exercise, or party your way around this pain, and if you try, you may just end up with another problem on your hands.

Please know:

You will feel happy again.

These unpleasant feelings will pass.

You will experience love and connection again if you remain open.

You are worthy and deserving of love.

With compassion,

Hilary

Your friend is going to be hurt. There is no way around that. When you made the choice to start hanging out with your best friend’s ex without telling her, that’s when you made the decision to hide your actions, and possibly your feelings, from her. On some level you must have known that she would be bothered by it, and you chose not to tell her. I don’t say this to judge or to blame, but I think it is important to be clear about what has been happening.

She will very likely be devastated and feel betrayed by her best friend and by the man she thought she had a lasting future with. I wish I could tell you otherwise, but I think you already know this.

In some ways, you’ve already made your choice. You feel this man could be the love of your life, and you’ve chosen to begin a relationship with him. I think what you are looking for is a way to share this with your friend without losing her friendship. That may not be possible. I think you are also hoping to alleviate some guilt you may be feeling about hurting someone you care deeply about. You can spend time and mental energy finding all kinds of justifications for your choices, but that’s not going to be helpful, ultimately.

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You believe this relationship could be serious and real, so why not stop hiding? Own up to your feelings. You can’t expect your friend to be happy for you, not right away, at least, and perhaps not ever. What you can do is honor your long-standing friendship by being honest with her about what is happening, and own the fact you know you have hurt her. Let her know you are sorry she is hurting, and allow her to react however she chooses to. She is entitled to be angry, hurt, and sad. I think you show wisdom in recognizing how you would feel were the situation reversed. Keep that in mind when you talk with her.

Your friend may have a hard time being around you or seeing the two of you together. That is understandable. Mutual friends may weigh in on both sides of the issue. There will be no shortage of people with opinions and judgment. She, or others, may try to make you feel guilty or ashamed of what has happened. You do not have to accept those feelings. Is it unfortunate that you have fallen for your friend’s ex? Yes. Would it have been better to talk with her before things got to this point? Sure. However, all you can do now is own your choices and move forward with honesty and integrity.

You also have the opportunity to use this experience as a chance for some introspection. Most of us have beliefs about ourselves and how we would react in hypothetical situations. I imagine you once thought that you would never choose a guy over a friendship. Those beliefs get put to the test when we are confronted with real-world feelings and experiences. When confronted by real and conflicting feelings, you chose the potential of a serious romantic relationship over your friendship. This may have been a really wise choice or a poor choice. Only time will tell if this choice was worth it. Understanding what led you to make the choice, and finding some peace around your decision, will be important for you. If you find you are struggling with feelings of guilt or sadness in the aftermath of your talk with your friend, I encourage you to seek out support from a counseling professional.

I will add one more word of caution. Consider how much you can and should trust a man who would break up with someone so abruptly after four years and within two weeks seek solace from her best friend. I am not saying that what you have isn’t real, but might you find yourself in a similar situation four years from now? I imagine your friend thought their love was the real thing, too. You are sacrificing a long-lasting friendship for an uncertain future. Make sure your confidence is not misplaced.

Best of luck,
Erika

That girl in your head—she was your first love, perhaps? And your first heartache too? You still have feelings for her, it seems, and I think that while she may have many wonderful features, she built a life with someone else, not you. You don’t know what her life is from the inside, so it’s easy to make it seem ideal. It may or may not be.

Also, she dumped you six weeks after you joined the military. First off, she might have dumped you anyway—you first got together in high school, a time when relationships can be flimsy and fleeting. It’s part of growing up.

Why do you wake up every day with her in your head? I’m guessing it’s not her so much as it is you and her together, the way you were 40 years ago—young, hopeful, naive, the world opening before you. You shared the exciting spirit of beginnings, but I wonder how long that would have lasted even if you hadn’t joined the military.

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The world seems closed to you now. You say no one loves you or knows you deep down. Your wife had two affairs, and you have been having a kind of fantasy mind affair with that girl, the ineffable first-time perfect girl. She stands between you and your life. You are holding her in between yourself and your life. What you had together for a short time 40 years ago stands between you and your real life, and it is taking the place of your real life. It’s time for you to dump her and live now. There’s no do-over.

Your two kids, you seem to suggest, are teenagers or young adults, and only interested in your money, not in you. Perhaps that’s true, I don’t know. I’m not sure you know, either, since you live with a curtain that blocks the reality of yourself in your life in this moment.

Why do people torture themselves with visions of a perfect past, a wonderful experience, that doesn’t exist? Why do you? Are you afraid of your life now, of looking at who and where you are now? Is it painful?

Perhaps you’re unhappy because where you are now is not where you would like to be. You can’t go back 40 years, obviously, but you can look ahead to the future and see what kind of life you would like to craft for yourself, what you need to do to make it real, to build a life for yourself—no matter your age—that is rooted in the present so it can be satisfying and genuine.

How can you do that? You can look deep inside yourself. You can go to therapy, or to group therapy, and dig hard and come alive.

I wish you luck, love, and satisfaction.

All my best,
Lynn

If you like to listen to music, you’re probably familiar with the intense flurry of emotion that can come when you hear a song that precisely fits the mood you’re in—a song that perfectly captures what you’re thinking and feeling. You might have organized playlists to turn to in order to create such an experience, securing instant access to songs that can meet your needs.

You’re not alone if one of those playlists is suited for heartache. Many of us turn to music after breakups, whether this music is muffled from under a tear-soaked blanket, blasted through running earbuds, or belted from the diaphragm.

A breakup is a loss, so it evokes everything that comes with loss: confusion, denial, longing, anger, depression, despair. Through all this chaos, heartbreak can magnify our needs for comfort, support, and understanding. One way we can meet those needs is through music.

Pain Relief: How Music Supports You at the End of the Road

For decades, researchers have been examining the pain-relieving effects of music, and for good reason: a considerable amount of research supports the notion that music can have positive effects on listeners in pain.

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In one study, published in 2006, Mitchell and McDonald induced pain by having participants immerse their hands in ice water. They found participants who listened to music of their choosing could withstand pain for significantly longer than those who listened to music chosen by the experimenters or no music at all. In a 2008 study, Mitchell, McDonald, and Knussen found listening to music also decreased study participants’ levels of anxiety when the researchers induced pain.

Researchers are investigating the mechanics underlying the impact of music on coping with pain. In a 2010 study by Salimpoor et al., participants were asked to bring along music they found moving. The researchers then examined functional MRI scans of participants and found significant increases of dopamine, the neurotransmitter involved in reward and pleasure, in the brain at the moments that participants were deeply moved by the music they chose. The dopamine increase started even in preceding moments, when the participants started to anticipate these poignant parts of their songs.

Have you ever gotten the chills while listening to music? Salimpoor et al. suggest this dopamine rush is responsible.

Music can have soothing and moving effects on us, including actual physiological reactions in our brains. Neuroscientists are continuing to research this topic, learning more about the way music affects our brains and shapes our experiences. But what we know so far indicates what many of us recognize intuitively: listening to music you love can alleviate some of the hurt in your heart.

Why, then, are we drawn specifically to breakup music? If any music we enjoy can give us a dopamine boost, why do we look to breakup songs to help us feel a little better?

Song Lyrics: How Words Remind Us We Will Survive

Have you ever been so overwhelmed with feelings you just didn’t want to talk about them? Intense emotion can make you feel lost—stuck in a place where you may not know how to tame the tornado of thoughts and feelings inside of you and order them into tidy words.

The lyrics of a good breakup song can help you express thoughts and feelings often difficult to articulate otherwise. You may not even know how you feel before you hear it stated perfectly in a song. At a time when it can be difficult to organize your thoughts—let alone communicate them to others—hearing, “How can you mend a broken heart?” can suddenly give you clarity about the anguish you’ve been dealing with: it’s a broken heart! The lyrics of a song can bring unresolved, unspoken, unknown thoughts to the surface and bring you closer to understanding what is happening inside of you.

On top of realizing how you are feeling, it can be powerfully validating to hear someone express thoughts and feelings similar to yours. You learn even though you are hurting, you are not alone in an abyss of misery built only for you. You’re grieving, and that’s a human reaction to losing love. That experience doesn’t isolate you. In fact, it connects you to the people around you.

Coldplay and Carole King and Lauryn Hill can help you remember that.

References:

1. Mitchell, L. A., & MacDonald, R. A. (2006). An experimental investigation of the effects of preferred and relaxing music listening on pain perception. Journal of Music Therapy, 43(4), 295-316.
2. Mitchell, L. A., MacDonald, R. A., & Knussen, C. (2008). An investigation of the effects of music and art on pain perception. Psychology of Aesthetics, Creativity, and the Arts, 2(3), 162-170.
3. Salimpoor, V. N., Benovoy, M., Larcher, K., Dagher, A., & Zatorre, R. J. (2011). Anatomically distinct dopamine release during anticipation and experience of peak emotion to music. Nature Neuroscience, 14, 257-262. doi:10.1038/nn.2726

I remember deciding to leave my marriage. After months and months of trying to make it work, I got to a point where I couldn’t stay any longer. It wasn’t my choice to end the marriage, but my partner made it impossible for me to stay. The decision to walk away from something I had been so committed to was torturous because there was a part of me that would not let go of the idea that it could be saved.

I knew the ship was sinking fast, and I tried really hard to scoop out the water, but ultimately I got to a point where I had to jump. With no life raft waiting for me, I chose to plunge into the deep, murky waters of a new life that would be completely different than what I had planned.

People in therapy often ask me how they can know when it’s time to stop trying and give up on saving a marriage. My answer is always the same: There may come a time when you know you can’t stand it any longer. It may coincide with a loss of integrity and a fear of losing yourself in something you intuitively know is not healthy for you. There is no set time frame; it’s different for every person and every unique situation.

It takes a great amount of courage to walk away from a marriage even if you have exhausted all avenues to try and salvage what’s broken. Even when one partner refuses to work on things, the idea of leaving a marriage dead in the water is beyond painful and hard to overcome.

It’s almost always fear and hope that keep people in a terminal marriage for a little too long—the fear of walking away from something too soon, and the hope that it can be resurrected.

The limbo of whether to work on something or walk away can last for weeks, months, or even years. It’s a personal choice that can come only from a place of deep certainty and a readiness to relinquish the fantasy of what could have been.

I have seen many people who don’t technically “leave the marriage” until well after they are divorced. A signature on a page doesn’t define an ending in the same way a marital commitment is much more than a piece of paper.

No one can ever tell you how or when to be done with your marriage, but here are a few indicators that you might be staying in a marriage beyond its expiration date.

1. Your partner blatantly does and says things that hurt you.
2. He or she disappears for long periods of time without being “reachable.”
3. Your partner refuses to end the relationship he or she has been having outside the marriage.
4. Your partner no longer includes you in his or her daily life.
5. He or she has moved out of the house into his or her own place.
6. You constantly find yourself wondering where the person you married has gone.
7. You rationalize his or her behavior as a “midlife crisis.”
8. You witness big discrepancies between what your partner says and does.
9. He or she refuses to go to couples counseling.
10. Your partner tells you he or she doesn’t love you anymore.

Some of these indicators may be hard to swallow or accept, but if they raise your awareness or give you a bar by which to measure the health of your relationship, perhaps it will be easier to put your marriage to rest.

In my previous article, I touched on the subject of narcissistic abuse recovery. I decided to write a second article as a follow-up for individuals who wish to explore further how to move forward through this specific healing process.

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As mentioned previously, recovery from this form of abuse can take a fair amount of months (or even years in some cases), given the insidious and covert nature of the emotional abuse (Sokol and Carter). Individuals who exhibit malignantly narcissistic behaviors are predatory in nature and seek to “conquer” targets to fuel their narcissistic supply (NS), which is the emotional sustenance which drives and fills them. These people thrive on attention (negative or positive) and will do anything in their power to ensure that their primary and secondary sources of NS are working in concert to feed the insecure ego of a broken psyche. Although by no means exhaustive of the complexity describing the individual suffering from narcissism, the DSM-IV states that people with narcissism exhibit the following traits: inflated sense of superiority, grandiosity, attention-seeking, self-absorption, arrogance, entitlement, and limited capacity to empathize and reciprocate in relationships.

Trapping a Target

It would make sense that individuals pulling away from someone like this would experience tremendous loss and trauma (Brown). Initially the person with narcissism presents as a knight in shining armor, completely in sync with the target’s emotions and dreams. The target is unaware that the individual then hones in on the target, studying the desired love object so that he or she can then act as the target’s soulmate, in essence.

This “hunting” can occur on dating websites or in the initial stages of dating (Brown). The target, who generally has the capacity for true, mature intimacy and love, is intelligent, attractive, and successful, then falls head over heels in love with the person with narcissistic tendencies. Subsequently, that individual then feigns love for the target. And the moment the target is hooked, distancing maneuvers ensue, which serve to disorient and confuse the target.

The target then becomes incredibly confused and experiences what is called cognitive dissonance, or a state of confusion. The person with narcissism had expressed love, but is now exhibiting distancing and detaching behaviors, which are not in alignment with the initial honeymoon stage (Carter and Sokol). Eventually, the individual is fully satiated on NS and then becomes bored and tired with it, because the target is merely an object or a vessel to obtain NS.

The target is devalued and discarded when the individual exhibiting narcissism no longer feels the need to court the individual who is a source of NS (Carter and Sokol). Ultimately, the target is left wondering what happened, and how someone who seemed so perfect as a soulmate completely undid everything that the target worked so hard to build. It was the target who fell in love with that individual, not the other way around. The person with narcissism purely was “feeding” on the NS, and as soon as his/her ego was full, the target was no longer considered useful (Payson).

Motivations of Narcissism

At that point, the individual with narcissism will either vanish completely or will say and do certain cruel and emotionally abusive things designed to injure the psyche of the target. He or she actually seeks to cause harm, and straddles the line of sociopathy (Brown). Ultimately, the target has no way of understanding what happened and is left with confusion, shock, disbelief, and betrayal.

Because people who tend toward narcissism always needs newer and fresher sources of supply, they have a habit of devaluing and discarding targets (Hotchkiss). They may be incapable of true love, empathy, reciprocity, kindness, and compassion. In essence, they may have broken psyches, much like a broken appliance (Hotchkiss).

Studies show that there is very limited effectiveness in treating narcissism in psychotherapy, as it can be firmly hardwired to someone’s personality due to largely environmental circumstances that occurred in his or her early childhood (Martinez-Lewi), including parental abandonment and severe abuse. It could be that they had inconsistent sources of love as children, if any at all, and to survive childhood, they had to create an outward mask to the world of the perfect individual. Underneath, these children could be empty and lacking a core sense of self, prone to depression and anxiety without NS to fill a void. Adults who are narcissistic are often referred to as developmentally stuck at age 5, when their emotional maturity ceased (Hotchkiss).

So what is a person to do if they have been crossed by this kind of toxic personality? First, I would say that though the pain is initially intense, you are blessed that the person with narcissism left. And no contact with this person will result in any form of healthy exchange.

The No-Contact Rule

Experts on narcissistic abuse recovery all agree that contact with someone like this always results in pain (Payson). Maintaining zero contact is essential for you to be able to heal and cognitively and emotionally process the mental hurricane that hit. Some clients have likened the experience to like coming off a drug; it is so painful to go through the traumatic grief work in being abandoned that these feelings are akin to withdrawals. However, as you heal, you can be empowered, stronger, wiser, and more discerning and reclaiming of your own self-worth.

The target is capable of empathy, reciprocity, true and mature love, and growing in a relationship. People with narcissistic behaviors are generally not. They are only capable of deceptively seducing preselected targets to fill a psychological void. The same cycle may repeat every time. It is so imperative that the target understand the process of grieving the loss of the fantasy of the person who narcissistically manipulated him or her.

Those with narcissistic behaviors are usually hard-pressed to find a healthy connection in any relationship. When the masks are pulled off, they realize they cannot manipulate and seduce as they are accustomed to. Too many people have caught on and discovered who they really are.

Luckily, for those whose lives have been touched (or slightly marred), there is a path to healing. This process takes place through no contact, a compassionate and understanding psychotherapist, and a support forum (whether online or in person). Those who have been targets heal and move on to love others in healthy, mature relationships.

Resources:

1. Saferelationshipsmagazine.com:  Sandra A. Brown, MA’s website and resources related to abuse recovery from unhealthy relationships
2. Help! I am in Love with a Narcissist by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol
3. Women Who Love Psychopaths: Inside the Relationships of Inevitable Harm with Psychopaths, Sociopaths and Narcissists by Sandra L. Brown
4. Why is it Always About You? The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism by Sandy HotchKiss, LCSW
5. The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love and Family by Eleanor Payson, MSW

In many ways, it would appear that breaking up is similar to falling in love. I know what you are thinking, and you are right – it’s not quite the same thing. However, in terms of the physiological effects that it has on your mind, psyche, and body, it would appear to have quite a significant effect as it can potentially turn your world upside down.

Breakups can throw our worlds into a chaos, similar to falling in love, I would suggest. Dr. Helen Fisher wrote a book called Why We Love, and in her book, she discussed the chemical changes that actually take place in the human brain and body when one ‘falls in love,’ which she surmised was similar to being on cocaine. In the early stages of, what she describes as lust and romantic love, the brain goes through a series of changes, which can be best described as exciting, but chaotic. The third stage is the attachment phase, or long-term love, which is basically biology’s way of allowing couples to raise children together; not as chaotic, and not as exciting, but with deep trust and love. In breakups, we experience a similar chaos, though perhaps not quite as exciting, and sometimes perhaps downright tumultuous. Now, most of us hope that we won’t have to get to this stage of “breaking up,” but sometimes it’s actually bound to happen and is in fact a blessing, perhaps in disguise, as it will undoubtedly force us to grow and heal. Like ripping a band-aid off, breakups do allow for new cell growth, if given the proper time and patience.

Breakups are not only a chaotic time, but are also a vulnerable time for most. The early stages of breakup periods, if not dealt with consciously, with allowance for grieving, and sadness, can lead to a slew of other problems. Many people turn to other sources for solace in the early stages of a breakup: alcohol, drugs, food, one-night stands, dating, and sex, to name a few. Some people do this, but not all. Some people turn inwards, decide to eat healthy, exercise, spend some quality time alone, and balance it with friends, work and family. Others may jump head first into some other relationship, without a break from their current life, and start over anew. The point is that jumping head first into something new, whether it be a new relationship, or even just work, or random one-night stands, though they may feel good in the moment, during this time of new vulnerability can lead to bigger and greater problems down the road.

Let’s talk about sex for just a brief moment. After a long-term relationship, some people may find that their sexual drives are at an all time high. People respond to this increase in arousal in several different ways. Finding another long-term partner to focus your affections on is one way, and finding a series of anonymous or one-night stand hook-ups might be yet another way. Either way may be fine for you; however, it is very important to take care, as jumping head first into either of these options could halt the healing process, and in many cases adds on a whole other series or problems to the fold. Sex addiction is amongst those possibilities. Addictions often develop as a result of anxieties which require soothing. Acting out sexually could, in the moment, alleviate one’s anxiety, but in the long run can turn into an escape from dealing with one’s problems in the present, which could eventually turn into an addiction.

The main thing to remember during a breakup is what to not do. Avoid jumping into something new right away, and avoid patterns that alleviate pain, temporarily. Do allow yourself to sit and feel the pain, as difficult as that may seem. Allow yourself to be alone, to sit alone. Give yourself time to think, breathe and exist in your own pain. Pain and suffering are a part of life. Avoiding the inevitable strips us of growth, as it doesn’t allow us to utilize our own coping skills, which in the end are akin to survival. Develop those survival skills now, not later. In addition, allowing our own healing to occur now can prevent a slew of maladies later on. Sometimes a breakup can seem like the end of the world, and it’s hard to hear these words, but trust me when I say time heals all wounds.

Related Articles:
Phases of Healing
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For people who are dating or dealing with the starting and ending of intimate relationships, a certain question tends to arise… can ex-partners maintain healthy roles in each others’ lives? And if so, when, where, how, and (most obviously) why? Sometimes an ex’s role is clear; for example, a couple who has children together will most likely continue as co-parents in the event of a separation. Other post-breakup scenarios have less obvious answers. Exes can, often unintentionally, fall into dysfunctional roles in each other’s lives, such as a baggage-laden “friend”, convenient sexual outlet, or receptacle of lingering animosity. Deciding how to continue forward, together or separately, after a relationship dissolves can be tricky for anyone. However, for several reasons, this quandary appears to be particularly challenging for lesbians.

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First of all, gay women’s friends and lovers are typically the same gender, making boundaries around friendships and romantic relationships more flexible. This is a challenge unique to lesbian relationships, simply because women—of any sexuality—tend to forge their closest bonds with other women. The potential for any gay-leaning friend or acquaintance to become a lover adds a level of challenge and confusion to many lesbian social circles. It is very common for lesbian friendships to morph into a more intimate configuration for a period of time, changing the interpersonal patterns within their friendship group. If the romantic relationship ends, it is often natural for the former couple to try to return to being “just friends”. It may sound simple in theory, but the physical and emotional intimacy shared and corresponding bonds established are not easily severed. And it’s not always the most comfortable of arrangements for the exes or for the new partners involved, to say the least.

This leads to another issue contributing to lesbian post-breakup complications… both partners in the couple are guided by the emotional physiology of the human female. In heterosexual relationships, a hormonal balance is generally struck so that reactions may be tempered through differing intensities of experience and response to emotional stimulation. Meaning men are often less emotionally reactive whereas women tend to be more highly sensitive. When both partners in a couple are sensitive women, the resulting emotional intensity can create significant difficulty for the ex-couple.

An anecdotal social review suggests it is uncommon for lesbians to neatly pronounce the death of a relationship and simply move forward separately without looking back. This may be related to the neurochemistry involved; women experience much stronger effects than men of oxytocin, the “bonding hormone”, which promotes nesting, monogamy, pair bonding, and emotional extremes. This hormone is activated very easily; a single touch starts it flowing and further intimacy-creating activities (including sex) break the dam. So, two neurochemically typical women will naturally create very tight bonds which only break with great difficulty and emotional pain. Many women avoid completely detaching from an ex in an attempt to minimize the pain involved with a breakup.

An additional piece of scientific information helps explain the difficulty of intimate breakups between women. Brain researchers have discovered that emotional and sexual intimacy between individuals creates a physical connection in the brain which cements that relationship neurologically as a meaningful attachment. The evolutionary purpose of sexual contact and its related hormonal processes is to bond people together— and these hormonal and neurological operations are especially effective in women. So when a breakup occurs, the critical healing task is to break that physical bond of intimacy in the brain in order to move forward with emotional freedom and strength. While the bond remains in tact, so do the feelings associated with the loss of the bonded object: sadness, fear, anger, shame, and love. Again, women experience and process this connection more intensely than men do, so an intimacy bond between two women can be even more difficult to break. This phenomenon is evidenced by the number of lesbians who choose to keep their exes in their lives as friends or some permutation of such. Full severing of the intimacy bond requires physical and emotional distance, negative associations with the ex-partner, and forgiveness.These goals cannot be achieved with continued contact immediately after the breakup. Any true friendship or healthy continuation of contact is possible between exes only after the bond of intimacy is completely broken.

The conclusion to be drawn from this information is that after a period of separation and deep emotional healing, ex-partners may be able to occupy space in each others’ lives. Offered below are some healthy scenarios for continuing contact with an ex, with cautions to consider.

Exes as friends. Intimate relationships are typically based on a combination of shared interests and sexual chemistry. After the chemistry dies and the emotional intimacy vanishes, the shared interests will likely remain. Rather than avoiding the places, groups, and activities they both enjoy, exes may find it more convenient to develop a civil and friendly relationship with one another in order to be at peace when their paths cross. When an intimate relationship is lost, it can be additionally painful if a cherished social circle or activity is also affected. It may, in fact, be possible for exes to resume a functional friendship after each has thoroughly healed from the loss and resolved any lingering feelings related to the relationship or breakup.

Caution: Sharing interests with an ex may be possible, but emotional sharing or activities which may rekindle the bond of intimacy (read: substance use and/or amorous exchanges) are strictly to be avoided to keep things healthily platonic.

Exes as support. If a relationship ends constructively and sufficient time has passed for the emotional fallout to settle, continued contact with an ex may serve a purpose of support in times of need. This scenario can be tricky because, again, the support being offered cannot be emotional in nature. Sharing feelings is something to be done with intimates only, if healthy boundaries are desired. If, after recovering from a breakup, an ex-partner maintains residual concern for someone with whom she spent a significant time of her life, she may be psychologically prepared to help out during a time of need. It can be nice to have a connection with a caring individual in life, as the coming and going of hard times is a fact of human existence.

Caution: It is important for exes to monitor their feelings around their supportive interactions and regain personal space as needed to resolve any lingering emotions that might threaten their peace of mind or current relationship.

Exes as history. Intimates who have experienced important eras of their lives together are irreplaceable emblems in one another’s lives. Although they move forward on their life paths, retaining a connection with the past is something that can offer comfort and a sense of continuity along life’s long and winding road. Googling someone from long ago or occasionally checking in via email can be a perfectly reasonable way to enjoy a bit of nostalgia, reflect on the past, and gain perspective on the present.

Caution: When relationships begin to sour, human nature instinctively nudges people to reflect on the past with rose-colored glasses. It is helpful to be honest with oneself about the reasons for seeking re-connection with an ex to ensure one is not escaping from a problem in their current relationship or resurrecting emotions formerly associated with their ex.

Many people believe that negotiating intimate relationships is the crux of life’s purpose. The bonds of love and intimacy formed with others bear witness to the value of human interconnectedness. The memory of loved ones cannot easily be forgotten and, as mentioned above, new roles can sometimes be assumed once the intimate nature of a relationship has changed. These are tricky waters which require emotional strength and stamina to navigate successfully. Observing a new partner’s decisions around her relationships with exes can provide valuable information regarding her emotional needs, boundaries, and strengths. And noticing one’s own tendencies in this area can highlight areas of mental and emotional health and areas in need of attention. If personal growth and deep healing are desired, discarding exes as emotional crutches and severing outdated intimacy bonds will strongly support the goal of moving forward in a healthy, happy way.