“I’ve tried so many times and so many different ways, what is the point of trying anymore?” “I am too ashamed, what will others think if I admit this?” “Is there really a way to overcome this, it feels like too much?” These are just a few of the statements I repeatedly hear from individuals who struggle with sex addiction and truly believing that there is no hope, or at least it feels that way to them. Have you wondered if sex addiction is really an addiction? Well, consider these statistics:
– The Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health conservatively estimates 3% – 5% of the U.S. population suffers from sexual compulsion issues. The estimate is considered low because it is based on those seeking treatment for sex addiction. Many of those afflicted avoid exposure and cannot be easily tracked.
– Tracking data from 2010 by Nielsen Onlineshowed that more than 25% of those with Internet access at work viewed pornography during working hours. This is an increase from 2007 figures.
– As of May 2010, Alexa Research, which tracks Internet usage, includes two porn sites in the top 50 for worldwide traffic. This may not seem that impressive until you realize that almost all of the top 50 sites are social networking sites and that CNN.com ranks 57th.
– 25 million Americans visit cyber-sex sites between 1-10 hours per week. Another 4.7 million in excess of 11 hours per week (MSNBC/Stanford/Duquesne Study, Washington Times, 1/26/2000).
– According to Datamonitor, in 2003 over half of all spending on the Internet is related to sexual activity, with 30 million people logging on at pornographic Web sites daily. The expectation is that this figure will fall due to the rise of other forms of Internet commerce.
The question is not whether sex addiction is real or not, the question is what do you do if you find yourself in the millions of people that face this weight, shame and battle every day? It is very tough after repeated failures to believe that this time it can be different. The fear of failure is huge! The key to this is coming up with a plan that is different, more complete and that the individual is willing to make the effort. It has to be THEIR plan and where they may start out following it to save their marriage, their job or their family, eventually, it is ideal for them to do it for them and that will lead to deeper, long-term healing. Here are three steps to start the journey:
1. Do seek help! There are many specially trained counselors/therapists that specifically treat Sex Addiction that can provide the insight, the direction, the empathy, and the plan that is necessary to not just deal with the symptoms but to get to the core of the wound and pain that leads to the acting out through pornography, affairs and so much more. People will seek experts in so many areas of their life to deal with illnesses, financial difficulties, even down to taking care of our car and home. Why not reach out to a therapist that has the skills and abilities to walk with you through this and help you see the areas that may have never been revealed in your life?
2. Don’t try it alone! Sexual Addiction is the disease of isolation! Living in shame, trying to get by on your own, withdrawing to the familiar routines when the pain comes are all dangers that keep someone bound and defeated. A great resource to use in conjunction with counseling is getting involved in a group where others are being honest and intentional about dealing with their addiction. Yes, the first step is difficult but once it is taken, the individual realizes they are not alone and there are others that are finding healing that will come along side them, help hold them accountable, truly understand what they are going through and help develop a plan. With this, many have also gone to intensives that can range from a number of days to months to address this head on in a very impactful way and then return home to follow up with their counselor and group to continue their healing. The point is to find safe people to connect with and realize that going solo will only lead to further disappointment!
3. Do establish boundaries! What is the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results! Now is the time, with the help of your counselor and group, to write out a detailed plan that establishes boundaries of what you will and won’t do. Example of do’s: I will see my counselor once a week, I will attend group weekly, I will put a filter on my computer with accountability reports, I will remove all phone numbers, email addresses, etc. from places I can access them, I will share my passwords with my spouse or accountability group. Example of don’t: I will not get on the computer when I am lonely or hurting, I will not seek out unhealthy relationships when I am struggling but will call or connect with those supporting me. What is most important, once again, is that the plan is YOURS, that is specific and that you share it! Then, make a point to revisit your plan monthly to see how things are progressing, to tweak it and to celebrate progress!
Where there are no “magical” formulas to “fixing” Sexual Addiction, there is hope and it is not necessary to live in bondage forever! Yes, it will take hard work, persevering, and finally being real for possibly the first time in one’s life, but the pay-off is a freedom that many never thought was possible that leads to a healthier individual, stronger marriages and families and being able to make a difference in your life and the lives of others. The choice is to keep living in the frustration of insanity or today, making the choice to take the steps that change your journey!
The preceding article was solely written by the author named above. Any views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the preceding article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment below.
