When children experience abuse, abandonment, or other deep hurts, the adults in their lives may not know how to help them. Many people believe topics like psychological healing only belong to the professionals. But “professionals,” however helpful they may be, do not have enough time to impact children in the same way as those who are involved with them daily.

This article is meant to help parents and caregivers support the children, adolescents, and even adults in their lives who are overcoming the damage caused by an abusive relationship or other types of trauma.

1. Teach Your Child to Talk

It is important to remember two words when working with anyone experiencing trauma and hurt: “hope” and “encouragement.” This isn’t about telling someone they should paint over all their problems with happy thoughts. Instead, it is about offering a way out from the despair left over from trauma.

Talk to your child about what happened. There is no way to manage trauma without at least acknowledging that it happened. Most people are raised in homes where no one talks about “the elephant in the room.” But if you want to help a person heal from any type of hurt or trauma, it is important to discuss it.

Once you begin talking about difficult subjects, you give your child permission to as well. You are teaching them it is okay to talk about these things. [fat_widget_right]

2. The ‘Trauma Narrative’

One useful tool for healing is the “trauma narrative.” It is a book created by a child, sometimes with the help of an adult, that tells the story of what happened. Each page shows a scene in the “drama,” with the climax being where the worst part of the trauma occurred. If the child has complex trauma involving many different types of abuse, including emotional abuse, the story could be written without a climax but include different pieces of what happened.

Once you begin talking about difficult subjects, you give your child permission to as well. You are teaching them it is okay to talk about these things.

Helping a child create their trauma narrative by drawing different pictures and writing about the steps leading up to significant events can be very therapeutic. Once the book is complete, sitting down with the child and reading it helps them continue to process through feelings associated with the events and helps them overcome the effects of the trauma.

3. Teach Your Child to Trust Themselves

Children are often impressionable. It is so easy to teach a child that they cannot trust themselves. Particularly in abusive homes, children are taught not to feel or to think on their own. They are usually taught to do what their parent says without question and to overlook their own experiences.

Teaching a child to trust their intuition is not overly difficult, though it often takes time. Start by having a discussion with your child about how important it is to trust one’s own inner voice, or conscience. Continue asking your child how they feel about certain experiences. This act will help your child learn that to look inside is an important aspect of life.

4. Show Your Child How to Grieve

Most children (and really, most adults) are not taught how to grieve. Most people are taught “Don’t cry,” “Keep difficult emotions to yourself,” “Be strong,” “Move on,” and other similar methods of coping with loss. When working with emotionally injured children, you can best help them by not only teaching them how to talk about their feelings, but also about how to grieve.

How do you do this? There are a couple of ways:

• One is through personal example. Here, you demonstrate your own grief about something.
• Another is when you ask your child questions, such as, “What do you miss about so-and-so?” Or, “If you could talk to so-and-so, what would you say?” Try to ask open-ended questions that generate feelings.

Grieving involves processing through feelings until they are complete. Children need not analyze this concept. They just need permission to talk, cry, be angry, and express their emotions until they are done. Grief is finished when it’s finished. There is no timeline for grief, and everyone processes emotions on their own schedule. Talk to your child about these concepts and give them permission to “process” through any feelings at their own pace.

5. Teach Your Child About Boundaries

One important topic you can introduce to your child is the concept of boundaries. Boundaries can be physical and emotional. Physical boundaries include a person’s body and physical space. Emotional boundaries include how a person is treated emotionally, mentally, and psychologically.

Art is one effective intervention for teaching children this concept. You can draw a picture of a line, wall, or some type of boundary indicator. On one side of the line, write down attributes of healthy boundaries, such as, “respect,” or “does not touch me in a way that is unsafe.” On the “boundary violation” side of the barrier, write a list of unhealthy boundary violators, such as “name calling,” or “yelling.” You and your child can create this drawing together.

Of course, you will need to use age-appropriate language. The main concern is to teach your child emotional intelligence and about how to protect themselves from unsafe relationships.

6. Identify the ‘Hurt Self’ and the ‘Strong Self’

Teach your child that it is okay to talk about difficult memories. Explain that they have a “hurt self” that needs to be healed. In addition, let your child know they aren’t only hurt, but that they also have a “healthy self” or “strong self” capable of overcoming hard things. The strong self will help heal the hurt self.

When working with emotionally injured children, it helps to not only teach them how to talk about their feelings, but to teach them how to grieve.

To help your child identify what is hurt, you can ask questions about thoughts, fears, feelings, and dreams. See if your child can identify how they experience the pain from the trauma they have endured. If your child is not interested in going that deep, just talk to them. Say, “I know you are hurt. Here are some suggestions for helping yourself heal.”

It is helpful for parents and other significant leaders in a child’s life to learn how to teach them important life lessons, especially those involving emotions. Since most people generally do not understand emotional health, this can prove challenging—mainly, because most people haven’t been taught themselves.

I recommend drawing two pictures for your child: one a hurt child, and one a healthy child. The hurt child could look sad and have tears. The strong child could look steadfast and concerned. Teach your child that these two “parts of self” exist within them, and that their job is to learn how to nurture and heal the hurt part of the self.

7. Identify Hurting Beliefs and Healing Beliefs

Help your child identify things they tell themselves about life or personal identity. Beliefs children often have when hurt tend to be very personalized; beliefs such as, “I am unlovable,” “The world is not safe,” or “I will never be happy again.” Any type of negative, devaluing belief can be ingrained in a child’s head for years, decades, or even a lifetime. It is beneficial to help your child identify these beliefs early on.

Have your child write down a list of unhealthy beliefs. Some include thoughts such as, “If I were a better child, my mother would not be on drugs,” “If I were thinner, my friend would not have rejected me,” or “I need to be a perfect student to have a good life.” If your child is old enough, work with them to identify unhealthy beliefs.

Once these unhealthy thoughts have been identified, make a list of helpful, healing beliefs for your child to replace the unhealthy thoughts. After this, remind your child to replace the unhealthy beliefs with the healthy beliefs. Make sure they understand this process is building an essential inner recovery “muscle” and will require practice to develop.

References:

1. Chara, K. A., & Chara, P. J. (2006). A safe place for Caleb. London, England: Jessica Kingsley Publishers.
2. James, J. (2017). The grief recovery handbook, 20th anniversary expanded ed.: The action program for moving beyond death, divorce, and other losses including health, career, and faith. New York, NY: Harper-Collins.
3. Trauma narratives. (n.d.). Retrieved from: https://www.therapistaid.com/therapy-guide/trauma-narratives

Saint Patrick’s Day brings a barrage of green, four-leaf clovers, good-luck charms and wishes of good fortune. But many people, especially those who have a trauma background, feel like a dark cloud of misfortune follows them everywhere they go.

I can’t tell you how many times, in my work as a trauma therapist, I’ve heard a person say “I feel like I’m a magnet for bad things happening.” They describe a sense of beginning to get their lips above water when something terrible happens to knock them down again.

In some cases, they may actually be right. There has been some research to suggest that someone who has been traumatized is likely to be victimized again. A number of theories attempt to explain this phenomena, and while I want to explore a few here, I want to make it clear, first and foremost, that the intention of this article is not to blame victims of trauma. If there is abuse or perpetration, the accountability, responsibility, and fault always lies with the perpetrator. No one desires abuse. No one wants to be perpetrated upon. No one asks for it. The intention here is to both validate the experiences of people who have experienced trauma and explore the various explanations why some individuals seem to be unable to get out from under the “dark cloud” of trauma. [fat_widget_right]

The Cycle of Poverty

The first avenue I’d like to explore is the cycle of poverty. For those who struggle with the challenges that often accompany a lack of financial resources, the likelihood of being victimized is high. Living paycheck to paycheck, constantly uncertain of whether we will be able to afford groceries, heat our homes, or pay rent, threatens our sense of safety in the world. When we do not feel safe, when our basic needs are not met, it is extremely difficult to feel emotionally regulated. We may seek to numb emotional pain with substances, sex, gambling or self-harm. These methods of coping may, in turn, make it even more difficult to maintain a typical level of function.

The Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) questionnaire, a longitudinal, comprehensive study conducted by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, linked trauma in childhood with a host of problems, such as chronic health issues, addiction issues, relationship issues, and workplace issues (CDC, 2015). There is a strong correlation between poverty and trauma, and it can be difficult to see yourself as lucky or fortunate when you don’t know where your next meal is coming from.

Dissociation

When we experience trauma, we “check out” from the present moment to some degree, though some may check out more than others. Many people describe a feeling of floating above their bodies or watching themselves from far away. Some may experience feelings of fogginess, sleepiness, or even feel as if they’ve been drugged.

Dissociation leads us to another explanation of the “bad luck” many people with trauma backgrounds report (Sar, 2014). Often, people who have experienced trauma may dissociate to a point of not being able to read people’s nonverbal cues. They may not see, for example, the red flags of an abusive relationship until the abuse has already started. It’s often the case that they exist in survival mode, just getting through each moment without being able to see how actions and choices might affect their future. At times, dissociation can also prevent folks from being able to read people’s boundaries, which can result in relationship struggles and conflicts. They may even be less mindful of what they are doing with their bodies or their belongings, frequently leaving things behind or losing them.

The repetition of trauma seems to help our systems create a new and more empowered ending to the story. We do the same thing as adults—we just do it with our bodies. In other words, we may seek out relationships with people that subconsciously mirror our perpetrators to try to work out a happier, more resolved ending.

Those with a trauma background are also more vulnerable to addiction, which can be considered another form of dissociation. In other words, they may be more likely to attempt to numb their pain with substances. The misfortune that accompanies the struggles of addiction are numerous: financial hardship, legal issues, failed relationships—these are all things people might call bad luck. Using substances to numb pain is one factor that can contribute to these struggles. Difficulty being mindful and an inability to organize thoughts and prioritize urgent matters are other factors that may occur with dissociation.

The Compulsion to Repeat the Trauma

A third theory for why people with trauma tend to be re-victimized and end up experiencing even more trauma is based in Bessel Van der Kolk’s theory of the “compulsion to repeat the trauma” (van der Kolk, 1989). (I again want to state here how important it is to avoid blaming the victim.)

Human systems want health. When children experience trauma and have the opportunity to enter play therapy, they are likely to reenact the trauma with dolls or toys. They will reenact the trauma over and over again until Superman comes and rescues the victim or a lion comes and eats the perpetrator. At that point, we consider the trauma processed, at least for that developmental stage (children may experience a resurfacing of symptoms when they hit puberty or adulthood and need to process through the trauma again).

The repetition of the trauma seems to help our systems create a new and more empowered ending to the story. We do the same thing as adults—we just do it with our bodies. In other words, we may seek out relationships with people that subconsciously mirror our perpetrators to try to work out a happier, more resolved ending. The problem is, of course, we usually end up experiencing more abuse, more trauma, more bad fortune.

Our Brains Love a Story

Finally, there is just this simple fact: sometimes bad stuff happens—to everyone. Our brains function on stories. Our brains try to make sense of our world. If the story we tell ourselves is that we are unlucky and cursed, we may filter all of the things that happen to us to refine a narrative that fits that story (Brown, 2017).

For the most part, there is cause and effect in our lives. There are patterns to what we do and the lives we create. The belief that we have “bad luck” might in reality be a lack of understanding of these patterns. In order to address our trauma and dissociation and create lives of abundance, we may need professional support.

But we can also strive to remember that accidents happen. Bad things happen. If we walk around looking for evidence that we are unlucky, we are likely to find it, since our brains can filter the things that happen to us to fit our hypothesis.

I am not saying the previous theories should be discounted, because they do hold water. And again, no one asks to experience trauma or be victimized, and those who do experience traumatic experiences are not to blame for them. But the more we can own the paths we walk and the choices we can make, the more we will likely begin to see our own strength and power. We may, then, begin to realize there is no better way to good fortune than bravery and compassion, both for our paths and for our ability to sit with the whole truth.

References:

1. Adverse childhood experiences (ACEs). (2016, April 1). Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Retrieved from https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/acestudy/index.html
2. Brown, B. (2017). Rising strong: How the ability to resent transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead. New York, NY: Random House.
3. Sar, V. (2014). The many faces of dissociation: Opportunities for innovative research in psychiatry. Clinical Psychopharmacology and Neuroscience, 12(3). 171-79. Retrieved from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4293161
4. van der Kolk, B. (1989). The compulsion to repeat the trauma. Psychiatric Clinics of North America, 12(2). 389-411.

“If you try to lose weight by shaming, depriving, and fearing yourself, you will end up shamed, deprived, and afraid. Kindness comes first. Always.” —Geneen Roth

Fat.

Adipose. Flesh. Avoirdupois. Chub. Paunch. Flab. Corpulence.

It’s difficult to think of an aspect of the human body more complex and controversial than fat, aside, perhaps, from sexuality. During medieval times, when famines could and did occur, corpulence was valued because fat symbolized wealth, or the possession of resources that conveyed invulnerability to life’s ups and downs. As such, it was seen as if not desirable, then at least neutral (Vigarello, 2013). For peasants and members of agricultural societies, obesity was practically unheard of.

In modern Western culture, however, the tables have (mostly) turned. Today, for the most part, wealthier people tend to have access to healthier, more nutrient-dense foods. The higher nutrient density keeps total calorie intake much lower, since more nutrients and fiber satiate the body quickly with fewer calories (Furman, 2011).

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Less economically fortunate people, on the other hand, tend to not have much fresh, healthy food available in their neighborhoods. Even when fresh food is available, they may lack sufficient income to purchase it. Social justice activists have coined a term for when a community lacks access to healthy food: “food desert”. With fast food or junk food being much more economical and widely available to people living near or below the poverty line, it may be easier for people living in poverty to put on pounds.

The issue remains complex, with many different variables. As far as modern social attitudes towards extra fat go, many dislike it, even loathe it. Certainly, many people don’t like it on their own body, but some even become angry when they see abundant adipose tissue on someone else’s body. For some, fat is part of a truly vicious cycle of self-loathing. Geneen Roth writes that when she was in her twenties, she hated her fat so much, she wanted to slice it off with a knife. Then she would have been standing there, trembling and bleeding, but at least she would be thin.

As far as modern social attitudes towards extra fat go, many dislike it, even loathe it. Certainly, many people don’t like it on their own body, but some even become angry when they see abundant adipose tissue on someone else’s body. For some, fat is part of a truly vicious cycle of self-loathing.

Others passionately defend fat and its hosts. The fat acceptance movement has risen to defend people from fatphobia, or the unwarranted ostracism, contempt, and bullying frequently experienced by heavier people. Still others may fetishize fat, forming a subculture around the care and feeding of those too large to get out into the world and fend for themselves.

Medically speaking, fat tissue has been implicated in its associations with cancer, heart disease, diabetes, arthritis and other inflammatory diseases. Some people debate the validity of these assertions, pointing to research showing that in some cases, being what’s considered “slightly overweight” may in fact lower mortality rates. Further, movements such as the Health at Every Size movement point out that body shapes and sizes are diverse, describe the harm restrictive dieting can cause, and work to promote health without focusing on weight loss.

The Issue of Fat

As you can see, the issue of fat is very complex. In this article I am emphatically not taking any position as to the goodness or badness, nor as to the beauty or ugliness, of this embattled tissue. Rather, I want to explore: What is fat, and what is it doing for us? There are high levels of vehemence, vitriol, and medical admonishment against fat, yet many people carry what is considered by current medical standards to be excess poundage. There must be some function or functions powerful enough to override the tremendous social forces against it. What is going on here?

First, let’s look at the overall somatic context. The human body consists of multiple types of tissues, which tend to occur in layers.

Muscle tissue comes in two types: smooth (usually involuntary, like intestines or uterus) and striated (voluntary skeletal muscles that move our limbs and support our core).

Bone, though often ignored or underrated, is an amazing part of our bodies. Living bone has a pinkish tinge and is more flexible than the rigid, white bone that comes more readily to mind. It gives structure and support, and provides “spacers” for the muscular system (without it, the muscles that attach to and move the bones would contract into tight little balls). The marrow of bones produces blood and immune cells.

Our skin (which itself comes in several layers) is a vital part of our sensory system. It blocks water loss, UV rays, and germs; regulates temperature; and provides a boundary between our bodies and the greater world.

The fascia is a connective tissue that penetrates all other tissues and binds us together. Muscles slide over its smooth surfaces, and it prevents our organs from sloshing around inside us like a big bag of goo.

Our nervous system (brain, spinal cord and peripheral nerves) controls the body via nerve impulses and signals to release hormones.

Our fluid system includes blood, lymph, digestive fluids, and interstitial (between-cell) fluids. It transports oxygen, cellular wastes, hormones, glucose, and other nutrients.

And then there is fat.

Fat does many things for its host organism. As most people know, it can be considered a kind of “energy savings account” in case of famine or illness. Fat provides insulation, particularly against cold, and padding, so our bones don’t grind on the surfaces we sit or lean on. Fat forms part of the breast tissue, allowing mothers to feed their infants, and is also involved in hormone production

Some believe fat stores toxins in a way that makes them inert, or prevents them from damaging the vital organs, though I must point out that I don’t know whether this claim is backed by scientific evidence. I do recall a long-ago evening in which a friend and I took a long walk (of about three hours) to the beach. He had recently quit using marijuana and hadn’t used any at all for several months. The walk was long enough that metabolically, we both switched from running on blood glucose to primarily burning accumulated fat stores. By the time we got back to my house, he was, as they say, high as a kite—without having taken a single hit of marijuana.

And then there is another function of fat, one that’s not so commonly discussed. I don’t know whether or not it has been demonstrated in any medical literature, but eating disorder therapists (and many who overeat, binge eat, or experience a related type of disordered eating) will know this one: Fat is an emotional insulator.

How Fat Can Help Insulate Us from Emotions

Having extra fat on the body can help protect against feeling the intensity of unprocessed emotions. It’s like a thick coat of insulation on an extremely high-voltage wire. In this regard, it helps keep us in some semblance of balance, able to exist and function without becoming completely obliterated by our own emotional charge.

We have to live life on life’s terms, and these terms are not always kind. At any moment, even when we are young and vulnerable children, life can hand us events that are just too big for us to deal with in an efficient or comfortable manner.

We have to live life on life’s terms, and these terms are not always kind. At any moment, even when we are young and vulnerable children, life can hand us events that are just too big for us to deal with in an efficient or comfortable manner. The emotional aspect of our survival energies tends to be unbelievably strong. Repression may cut us off from old, unprocessed emotions, but blocking or repressing emotions may only work up to a certain extent.

What might happen if a person carries such large emotional charges without insulation of some sort, or other cut-off strategies such as substance abuse? I have heard many people making statements similar to these:

• “You know those cables that come out of the big power plants? Well, I felt like I was plugged into one of those. Or riding a lightning bolt. I just couldn’t shut it off.” (Note that the relationship between trauma and bipolar is sometimes murky; experiencing a state such as this does not necessarily mandate a diagnosis of bipolar.)
• “I couldn’t move. I couldn’t get out of bed. I tried. It was like when you push the gas pedal in your car, but nothing happens.”
• “I just felt awful. It was like wave after wave of the worst, cruddiest feeling was washing over me.”
• “When I lost weight, I constantly felt vulnerable. Like everyone was looking at me and could see right to my core. When I’m fat, I’m invisible.”

Still others have talked about the sense that their experience with psychosis or other mental health issues began in part because their systems just couldn’t contain the terrible traumas they had experienced. I believe this sheer intensity is the true meaning of the word overwhelmed and, in my experience, sufficient to explain why some people find themselves overweight.

These days, many people are talking about the Adverse Childhood Experiences study. A physician treating obesity at Kaiser noticed that his most successful patients—those who had lost the most weight—were dropping out of his program. Intrigued, he arranged for follow-up with the ex-participants, who shared that their weight loss brought up old traumatic emotions from childhood. It was easier to live life with morbid obesity, despite any pain and inconvenience it might cause, than it was to face those old feelings.

That is testament to the power of old trauma, and of fat as a semi-conscious strategy to help contain it.

Certainly, the issue of excess body fat is very complex, and so are the people who carry it. Genetics undoubtedly play some role in a person’s predisposition to weight gain. Others may live in food deserts or, out of choice or necessity, fall into habits that support weight gain. Athletes who get injured and don’t change their food intake are prone to gaining weight. Some people also tend to overeat as a way of bolstering their overall energy when tired (Dr. Judith Orloff calls this “energy defensive eating”).

In short, if you have a lifestyle where you are constantly running on fatigue and overwhelm and/or neglecting your own needs for the needs of others, it can be easy to gain weight—particularly if you have a “sit-down” job. Researchers and medical experts have begun to point out that sitting for long periods of time can negatively impact health. Some have even called it the “new smoking.”

Society exerts tremendous pressure to conform to a thinner body standard. This social pressure often contributes to internal pressure. But all people, regardless of their size, deserve compassion and kindness—from themselves as well as from others—not judgment or ostracism. If someone is insulating their feelings with a layer of fat, then the more cruelty they experience, the more entrenched their defenses are likely to become. Even if their size causes them distress, they may find it all the more difficult to lose weight.

Our bodies come in all shapes and sizes, and we cannot completely control the way they look. We really never know what life will end up bringing us, and to some extent, we must accept what life has already handed us. As with any aspect of the human condition–there but for the grace of luck, circumstance, and the genetic lottery, go all of us.

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Those who struggle with difficult emotions and/or overwhelm and desire to lose weight but haven’t been able to (in other words, if this article speaks to you) might consider working with a compassionate therapist trained in helping people increase affect tolerance and move gently into and out of old feelings.

“Fat-bashing in all its varied forms–criticism, exclusion, shaming, fat talk, self-deprecation, jokes, gossip, bullying–is one of the last socially acceptable forms of prejudice. From a very young age, before they can walk away or defend themselves, women are taught that they are how they look, not what they do or what they know.” —Robyn Silverman, Good Girls Don’t Get Fat: How Weight Obsession Is Messing Up Our Girls and How We Can Help Them Thrive Despite It

References:

1. Afzal, S., Tybjaerg-Hansen, A., Jensen, G., & Nordestgaard, B. G. (2016). Change in body mass index associated with lowest mortality in Denmark, 1976-2013. JAMA. doi:10.1001/jama.2016.4666
2. Brown, H. (2015, November 17). The obesity paradox: Scientists now think that being overweight can protect your health. Quartz Media. Retrieved from https://qz.com/550527/obesity-paradox-scientists-now-think-that-being-overweight-is-sometimes-good-for-your-health
3. Furman, J. (2011). Eat to live: The amazing nutrient-rich program for fast and sustained weight loss. New York, NY: Little Brown and Co.
4. Gerstacker, D. (2014, September 5). Sitting is the new smoking—7 ways a sedentary lifestyle is killing you. The Active Times. Retrieved from https://www.theactivetimes.com/sitting-new-smoking-7-ways-sedentary-lifestyle-killing-you?utm_source=huffington%2Bpost&utm_medium=partner&utm_campaign=sitting
5. Roth, G. (2011) Women, food, and God. New York, NY: Scribner.
6. Scutti, S. (2017, September 22). Yes, sitting too long can kill you, even if you exercise. CNN. Retrieved from https://www.cnn.com/2017/09/11/health/sitting-increases-risk-of-death-study/index.html
7. Vigarello, G. (2013). The metamorphoses of fat: A history of obesity. New York, NY: Columbia University Press.