Why Does My Husband Go to Adult Bookstores?
Dear Hurting,
Hello, thank you for writing. First of all let me say that you sound like a very supportive, caring partner. You are not “doing” anything to make the situation worse; if anything, you are supporting your husband and trying very valiantly to be understanding. You are acting quite gracefully under pressure, I think.
Addiction is self-diagnosed, which makes it something of an anomaly. But only the actual person doing the behavior can say yes or no as to whether they truly have an addiction. However, I am hearing some red flags that make me think what your husband is experiencing is in the ballpark, or somewhere along the spectrum. (Just as someone who drinks heavily every weekend may not be a full-blown alcoholic but does show tendencies.) So let me just suppose for a moment that we’re talking about either a compulsion or something on the “addictive spectrum.” Treating it like an addiction is probably most helpful to address the problem behaviorally and emotionally, even if it is more like an addictive “pattern” or low on the scale. (Just like cancer, if you have a low-stage problem, you want to address it sooner rather than later!)
So, having made this caveat, I’ll start by saying that, addictive/compulsive behaviors affect the entire family. If you consider addiction an illness (which I do), then it wouldn’t be surprising for you to be feeling stress; just imagine if your husband had another type of illness, like depression, or an anxiety disorder, then of course you would be strongly affected. You’re only human.
And of course you’re going to have strong feelings about something as intimate as sex; sexuality is extremely private and intimate, and your partner is engaging in behaviors that are probably pretty puzzling. He knows it hurts you, and it probably hurts him, too, yet it continues. How strange is that?! This is the tragedy of these kinds of behaviors; the person engaging in them truly does not mean to hurt anyone, but it ends up doing just that.
There is nothing you can do to stop your husband from doing this. You can support his efforts to get help and tell him how it affects you (which I encourage), or you can suggest and support his taking proactive measures (group support, therapy, spiritual counseling, psychiatry, etc.), but you cannot “do” anything that will get him to take decisive action. You can drive him to a therapist’s office, but you cannot go in and talk for him. In fact, it’ll only make things worse if you try to act “for” him. It’s up to him to want to get help; if he doesn’t, then feel free to let him know how that hurts and/or concerns you.
The bad news is, those struggling with addiction cannot stop on willpower alone—usually. The other bad news is that this will most likely not just “go away” or get better on its own. The good news is, both of you can be proactive. There are resources out there that are very helpful if one makes use of them. I find both partners need support in a situation like this. Your husband sounds like a good guy who wants to do the right thing, but his compulsive urges have hijacked his nervous system and decision-making processes. (Addictive or compulsive urges or impulses override the “executive” functioning and logical part of the brain, in favor of more primal, fear-based mechanisms; this is not a choice, it just is. Good therapy and other professional help can help redirect those urges and feelings into healthier behaviors.)
Most importantly, I urge you to get help for yourself, for your own stress and anxiety and confusion. I would at least try some one-on-one therapy. So often, partners are more upset about this than they’re even conscious of, until they start talking about it. Also, “the problem” takes up so much room that there’s little left for the partner’s issues or feelings, which seem “so trifling” in comparison with the big, dramatic issues (behaviors). But your feelings about all this are crucial and need to be heard. This is why I urge partners of those who are struggling to start with their own therapy for a month or two before seeking couples counseling.
This is not a hard and fast rule by any means, just a suggestion. The reason is, you likely need a safe place to vent about your frustration, sadness, anger, etc., stuff you might want to process or expunge before facing your husband. Without support, we often stuff hurtful feelings until we explode and then ruminate with guilt, then stuff it again, become resentful, or withdraw/withhold (isolate), and the cycle continues. Thus I suggest seeking out a therapist who understands addiction and can empathically educate you on what you can and can’t do for your husband and what might or might not be helpful to support yourself and to just listen openly to your experience. Having a witness to all this, to confirm, validate, and empathize, will likely help a lot.
I also recommend seeking out, either in person or online, a support group such as S-Anon, which provides group education and support to partners of those who struggle with sexual compulsivity. I will provide a link at the end of this paragraph that takes you to their main website, which offers general information, literature, meeting info, and so forth. It is a very valuable resource: http://www.sanon.org/
Al-Anon is another terrific resource if no S-Anon meetings are available in your area. True, al-Anon is technically for partners of alcoholics, but if you attend a meeting you can always say someone you know “might be an addict” and you’ll be welcomed. (Try a few meetings in either program before deciding to stay with it or not; some are better than others.) Of course, your participation in all of this is completely anonymous. (Sometimes folks say, “I can’t go because I don’t want to embarrass my spouse.” You don’t have to say it’s your spouse with the problem, in fact you don’t have to say anything if you don’t want to. )
I commend you for writing; it is a brave first step and takes courage. Clearly you are a caring person and want to do right by your husband and your marriage. Taking care of yourself will help both of you; it’s good role modeling, first of all, and we always make better decisions and communicate more clearly when we are feeling supported and taken care of. Whatever you do, try not to “figure it out” alone. Addiction (or afflictions that are similar) create isolation and fragmentation in families and marriages and are unbearably painful. Connecting with another human who provides help and an open ear, and heart, can be an invaluable way to start to feel like yourself again. I wish you the best of luck finding solution, and thank you again for writing.
Kind regards,
Darren
Darren Haber
- 37 comments
- Leave a Comment
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Vaughn
October 16th, 2012 at 3:40 PMI am hurt to learn that there would be nothing that I could do to stop my husband from acting out in this way. Are you saying that if I am going through the same thing as this writer that there is nothing that I could say or do to get him to stop doing this? I think that if this was my own personal situation I would have such a hard time understanding why he feels the need to do this and I would constantly be looking for the things that I was doing that would drive him to do this. I don’t think that is being irrational, just being a wife who is concerned and hurt by that behavior. Surely the love of his family would be enough to draw him back in and make him see the error of his judgement?
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Genelle
October 16th, 2012 at 4:38 PMHuh, why does it always feel like the pervy action of men actually make us women feel so bad about ourselves when really they are the ones who should feel bad?
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paul
October 17th, 2012 at 3:55 AMWives never want to think that they have anything to do with this, but how could that be?
Don’t you think that if a man is satisfied at home then he will be less willing to seek this out elsewhere?
I know, I know I am going to be blasted for that, but some part of me can’t help but think that’s true. -
Seattle
August 5th, 2013 at 4:03 PMComing from a female point of view, I totally agree with you. Marriage is all about compromise right trying to please on another. So why wouldn’t sexual pleasure count.
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Monica
February 13th, 2015 at 7:11 PMI just found out after 8 years of marriage my spouse has been going to these places. He is the one who has been depriving and starving me for sex.. While he goes and relieves himself. He has been going for over 20 years. I offer him every sexual desire he could want to be for filled. So I will tell you my strong opinion is I have nothing to do with the problem and it began long before I was with him.
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Bella
November 24th, 2015 at 3:12 PMAbout a year ago I found that my boyfriend had been posting ads on craigslist, looking for males to perform sexual acts on. I saw the emails, thousands, that had been going on for 8 years. He frequented adult arcades and many other social networks to, “hook up”. The coorespondance was with 95% men and the other women. He claims he nidnt meet w/ any of the women, just men. We split up for about a year and are trying again. I don’t know how to trust this person ever again and am truely hurt. I identify w/ your situation. It really is unfair. Don’t be in a supposed, “committed,” relationship when there is no intention of such, its unfair.
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The GoodTherapy.org Team
November 24th, 2015 at 4:25 PMDear Bella,
Thank you for your comment. The GoodTherapy.org Team is not qualified to offer professional advice, but if you would like to discuss this, or any other concern, with a therapist or counselor, you can use our site to search for one in your area by entering your ZIP code here:
https://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html
Wishing you the best,
The GoodTherapy.org Team
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Debra S
November 24th, 2015 at 10:02 PMDear Bella,
Your boyfriend is gay and his behavior will not stop. I don’t care how much he promises you. Many gay men marry women so they can appear straight but believe me they are meeting men on the side for sex. Save yourself a lot of torture and pain. Your boyfriend may claim to love you, but he cannot love you as a Staight man will love you. He may have feelings for you like a sister or a friend, but it is not enough. Don’t you deserve better?
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Robert F.
June 9th, 2017 at 10:13 AMDid you ever offer to go to him to the porn store? He might like it, you might too! If he is bi. He would probally love to get kinky with you involved but is ashamed to ask. It could get you off too!?!?
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Jane
March 11th, 2020 at 1:33 PMMonica, Is there any way I could contact you (pm)? I am in a similar situation and need help.
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J. Leo
September 14th, 2018 at 10:23 PMNo! Absolutely not. This has nothing to do with being satisfied. An addiction is never satisfied.
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Rolanda
October 17th, 2012 at 9:42 AMSupport him but only to an extent.Don’t fall into the trap of living with his addictions or whatever he may mask his weaknesses with.There is a limit to everything and especially for something of a sexual nature.Don’t let him take over your mind and feel bad about yourself.If he chooses not to improve then you know you have to walk away!
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Sherri Anne
October 17th, 2012 at 1:05 PMPaul- pointing the finger of b blame only adds to the problem, can never be part of the solution
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andrew
October 18th, 2012 at 12:21 AMno you are not overreacting and in fact you have been putting up with too much.I would never stay with him if I were in your place.Seriously,even as a guy,that sickens me!
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Chico
October 18th, 2012 at 11:12 PMYour husband is probably gay. Straight men do not go to Adult Bookstores. He probably isn’t able to come to terms with his own sexuality.
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MsDragon
October 20th, 2012 at 8:45 AMI am going through a similar experience. Im married to a porn addict. I know too well the pain this type of behavior causes us spouses. I was fortunate enough to stumble onto a forum especially created for spouses and partners of sex and porn addicts. I invite you to join us. It is a great place to learn from other spouses, vent, cry, make friends and have your questions answered. Its free and completely anonymous, so please feel free to stop by and read. You don’t have to sign up to read.
dailystrength.org/groups/spousespartners-of-sex-addicts
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Darren Haber, MFT
February 17th, 2013 at 9:25 AMThanks for your responses. It is a shade of gray and not at all black and white, in terms of “what can I do to stop my partner from this behavior”? The short version is, you can only share your own vulnerability in terms of how it is hurting you, how you need it to stop and a willingness to discuss each of your contribution to what is or is not helping the relationship. But first your partner must be willing to close that exit door and address the compulsive behavior or the problem will only perpetuate. Most of the time, without stopping, no meaningful discussions can be had unless the destructive behavior comes to an end. Somewhat akin to alcoholism; until the alcohol abuse stops, the relationship will continue to be abused by alcoholism. You’ve got to get the bully out of the house so the bruises can begin to heal. But doing that requires a “we” not a “me”.
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sneaky straight
November 25th, 2014 at 5:15 AMmy take on a husband or bf visiting adult bookstores (how often & how long he stays is an important factor too) this is alot like so many other situations/scenarios in life where its not exactly black and white.
Sure its one thing for a guy to go in a place like that to buy some porn movies or magazines to look at and spank it later or maybe to pick up some sexy lingerie or a toy for himself or both partners to use or try out? But if he is frequenting the place and or if hes going back in the booths to watch some porn which by its very nature & reputation for things like; voyerism, taboo M2M encounters and gloryholes with swinger wives letting strangers watch her having sex or has them join in the se activities themis a passive way of interacting with the other people back ther especially since about hmmm roughly 99.99% of everyone who goes back there is not there with intent to innocently watch some porn ignoring everyone else there i dont think its an ok thing to do or healthy or but i do the same thing -
Monica
February 13th, 2015 at 7:26 PMAsk him to stop. Ask him to seek help. Ask him to take lie detector every 3 months then six then 12. To prove he did stop. I think that could be helpful. Along with therapy for your own self to deal with the hurt.
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Debra S.
March 16th, 2015 at 11:23 AMHave you ever wondered if he is Gay?
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xxx
November 11th, 2015 at 3:23 PMGreetings from Carolina! I’m bored to death at work so I decided to check out your website on my iphone
during lunch break. I enjoy the info you present here and can’t wait to
take a look when I get home. I’m amazed at how quick your blog loaded on my cell phone ..I’m not even using WIFI, just 3G .. Anyways, superb site!
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Darren Haber
November 11th, 2015 at 8:54 PMThank you xxx, appreciate the feedback. I’m not sure if you meant goodtherapy.org or my own website, but in any event I appreciate hearing from you!
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Jeff H
February 3rd, 2016 at 9:51 AMAs a male that has done this for over 20years, I will tell you there doesn’t have to be a label on the guy. I am Bi, I love to have sex with both Women and Men. It is a different type of sex with either, and NO a Woman can NOT do what a guy can do. Just as a Guy can NOT do what a woman can do.
Your husband has some tendencies, sure…but if you are happy with your sex life with him, then enjoy it…if you want more, open up to him and get him to explore(trust me, he will WANT to explore!) -
Eroticmarriage99
May 5th, 2018 at 11:41 AMMy SO enjoy going to places like these together. We have our fun and leave. If he decides to fo on his own I am also fine with that. If you’re hurting and you’re not ok with his actions and his sexual lifestyle choices, then maybe you should move on. You will forever be suspicious and always have that lingering in the back of your mind. Either join him or move on. Good luck.
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Eroticmarriage99
May 5th, 2018 at 11:44 AM*Please excuse my typos*
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Charlie
April 9th, 2016 at 5:44 AMI have been married for 31+ yrs, I do not have sex with my wife anymore, long story. Anyway, I love my wife and have found that man on man sex is great, I have been messing around with guys for about 9 yrs and am not gay. I don’t get excited over a guy’s body, I do get excited over a women’s. So I am bi.
2z
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Sammie
April 9th, 2016 at 3:24 PMI hate to break it to you Charlie but you are not straight. You must be excited over men’s bodies if you are having sex with men. Your not having sex with your wife. When you look for sex your looking for men.
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Phil
April 25th, 2016 at 1:54 PMThe woman feels threatened.. She feels that her mans attention may go elsewhere in which case she may encounter competition for his resources. – As this man seems to be getting gay on the side and has been for some time it is unlikely that this behavior will change. In this situation the woman should not have to worry that anyone but her will be extracting the man’s wealth or possessions.
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Lee
October 19th, 2016 at 2:34 AMI’ve just learned my fiancé is doing this. I don’t know what to do. He wants me to stay and allow him the chance to get help. I’m completely broken. He just proposed in Paris for gods sake. Treats me like a queen, but this I cannot except. Sec addict,gay, bi. Who the hell knows. I do know right from wrong and so does most people. If your going to engage in this type of behavior why take someone down with you? He could have left me alone, but no. Lie instead and dupe me. I’m angry I’m hurt . I just don’t know what to do. Last week I was planning our wedding. This week I find this out. Omg!!!
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Sammy
December 28th, 2016 at 9:54 AMLee is not ready to be married. She needs to understand that marriage is work from both people. While this “fiancé” may not be the right one for her, she makes value judgements of right and wrong for other people and that will never bring her happiness and no one will ever fit her “type of behavior”.
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Wayne
March 22nd, 2017 at 7:58 PMI’m late 50’s white male and i guess you can say I’m bi ,. Love sex with women that love sex but I do enjoy going to theaters and Video stores with booths,, gorlyholes and rooms.. I enjoy oral with men there.. give and receive.. its just something that turns me on and love to be with a cross dresser too.. like sexy panties and hose to wear but I cannot say I’m gay !! I’m just happy when I do this.. love to dress up in Panties and bra and clean my house.. love to shave and shower with another man to help me shave !! But 60% of time I’m straight !! I just love to be open about sex !! So any of these husbands that want to be on the down low with a nice straight? Bi ? White guy just call me !!
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Sadbuthopeful
January 11th, 2019 at 10:50 AMMy husband and I have been married almost 45 years and I recently learned that my husband has been addicted to porn since before he was a teenager. In the last qt years he has engaged in oral sex 4 times in adult book stores. He says sometimes he has gone into a store intending on oral sex and then left quickly because of the guilt he feels. He swears he wants to stop all porn activity and going to these places. He is starting therapy soon and I am actively in therapy now for the trauma I feel due to the deception, betrayal and my own feelings of ill-placed responsibility. I’m very sad but cautiously hopeful.
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Truthseeker
February 7th, 2019 at 10:12 PMI’m hoping someone will have answers for me. For the ladies who have been through this, did the men come home with certain bruising on their legs or inner groin area? Were there other physical signs of him having been to these places? I’m noticing this and want some validation…
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James
April 27th, 2019 at 9:52 AMAs a guy that has had thousands of encounters with other guys at such places (mostly in the 80s and 90s) I don’t recall that any of them ever resulted in leg or groin bruising. Maybe your guy has a vitamin C deficiency, iron deficiency, purpura or some other condition? If he can’t recall any odd bumping that may have explained such bruising then he maybe he should get checked out.
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noname/girlfriend
August 24th, 2019 at 1:28 PMI too have recently learned of the “bookstore” antics of my bf of 9 years. He has been diagnosed with HIV now and thankfully, by the grace of god, I have not contracted it. He admitted to me through tear soaked eyes that he had been going to this store for many years prior to meeting me. Says that he cant live without me. he loves me more than he ever thought was possible. he had a very nasty, sexless marriage prior to me. We have/had a great sex life with periods of down time that would last a week or 2 at a time. We have experimented together ALOT. He quit going to this place for the first 6 years of our relationship and in the last few years, picked up the habit again. He is devastated. I am devastated. So now what? I am looking for a specific therapist in our area whom will have experience in this specific, very private subject. I cant talk to anyone because no one knows except me. He says he isnt gay. He just craves the activity that he encounters there, Which men can provide. I have slipped into an eye open coma over this. I cant function in daily life lately. I want to make things work for him and i but not sure how to move forward.
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Rob
October 16th, 2019 at 3:22 PMI have been going to adult bookstores for many years. I am in a relationship and don’t feel proud for going. 5 years ago my partner of 10 years had an affair, so out of spite I started going back. I do feel bad but cannot stop, it is an addiction.
Very rarely are there guys who just go in a private booth and jerk off. Some come in for a quick blow and go while the majority come in and have full sex. I’ve heard guys say they are straight but have gay sex. Where can I go for help for this addiction? -
The GoodTherapy.org Team
October 16th, 2019 at 3:50 PMHi, Rob. Thank you for sharing your comment. If you would like to consult with a mental health professional, please feel free to return to our homepage, http://www.goodtherapy.org/, and enter your postal/zip code into the search field to find therapists in your area. If you’re looking for a counselor that practices a specific type of therapy, or who deals with specific concerns, you can make an advanced search by clicking here: http://www.goodtherapy.org/advanced-search.html
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