What Can We Do to Help Our Adult, Drug-Addicted Daughter?
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Dear Frustrated Father,
Thank you for your question. I’m sorry to hear about your painful situation. It’s so difficult to see someone we love self-destructing in their addiction. However, it sounds like you have done all you can in not supporting her financially and refusing to enable her in any way. I know you have been through a lot already, but I have two suggestions that might help relieve some of the stress you are currently experiencing. First, I highly recommend that your entire family and circle of friends get some support. Addiction has a traumatic effect on everyone in the family, even those family members who are not living in the same house with the person struggling with the addiction. Just being able to “vent” with other people who can relate to your situation will provide a great deal of relief for you. Look for a counselor who is familiar with addiction and/or consider attending al-anon meetings. You will be able to get some practical suggestions, and you will be able to find emotional support as well, to address that “lost” feeling you refer to. Also with the help of a counselor, you can begin to address any anger, remorse, anxiety or other emotional feelings you are experiencing. This type of support will also help regulate your own physical and mental health, which is at greater risk of dysfunction because of the stress you are under. To find a counselor or therapist, begin by contacting the nearest drug/alcohol treatment center, or hospital that offers such a program; these facilities should have social workers who can offer suggestions. Or perhaps you can search for a therapist on this very website.
Secondly, I want to address the issue regarding your grandson. I’m concerned that even though the courts have said he can’t visit his mother, his father is disregarding that decision and providing visitation. Someone needs to make sure the boy is not being exposed to any risky or shady situations when staying with mom, especially considering that both mom and her boyfriend are actively using. Hopefully mom remains fully cognizant during his visits, and I don’t mean to suggest she isn’t — but addiction is a wild card, and if the youngster is being exposed to any hazardous circumstances (i.e., mom and boyfriend are too “high” to watch after him while he’s there), then those visits should stop immediately. If you have reasonable suspicion the boy isn’t safe, and your son in law refuses to take appropriate action, then you might need to contact your local child protective services or the courts and inquire about your options – you can do so anonymously in most cases, if only for advisement.
You might also, if you wish, occasionally let your daughter know that it’s her addiction you dislike, not the good person underneath, as a reminder that you’re willing to reconnect if she seeks help facing her problem. That is if you feel comfortable doing so; and it is perfectly understandable if you do not. It’s just that, stressful as these situations are, coming from a position of love while holding proper boundaries can sometimes break the ice – if, of course, the struggling person truly wants help. I hope your daughter does get help, sooner rather than later. Thanks again for writing.
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Betsy QuailJuly 2nd, 2012 at 6:22 PM
My prayers and thoughts go out to you and your daughter, having a child with an addiction is a tough situation to be in for the friends and especially the parents. We lost a daughter as she could never conquer her demons. Through church and through our relationship with god we have come to grips with the whole situation.
My suggestion would be to discuss the situation with a support group and to get help for yourself and those remainign in the family . It is impossible for a person to make another person happy.
DebOctober 1st, 2016 at 11:51 AM
My 23 year old daughter believes that the universe is going to save and provide for her. 4 months ago she quit a very good job. She has been living at home rent free. I found out through a EOB that we received in the mail that she has been seeing a dr every 6 moths for Adderall. I talked to her about it and she told me she was selling it. Long story short my husband was not happy, she is on our insurance and this was completely out of character for her. She got mad when confronted said we need to find our inner peace. Called me every name in the book and then started the same with my husband., WE told her to get out. She needs therapy. I called the “Dr” that she went to and the pharmacy to let them know that she confessed to me that she was selling Adderall on the streets. Now she hates my guts. I can not believe that her behavior has got to this point, I might add that she smokes a lot of pot and has tried mushrooms. I wanted to take her in to drop a UA but she refused saying she wasn’t playing my games. She talks about not wanting to work because it is selling her time. she said that selling the drugs was easy money. I am at a loss and feeling so very sad.
KimOctober 2nd, 2016 at 7:27 AM
I know it is very difficult when a daughter is doing criminal activities and we do not understand how or why they would these things. First, it is not your fault she has chosen to do these things. Next, making her leave was the best things by you could have done. At this point they need a wake up call but they are not listening to what we are telling them. It is a long road and I can honestly say I am still wondering what the future will bring for my daughter. I had to remove myself from her. I honestly felt like God closed all doors for my daughter so she could finally realize she needs help. I pray for you and hope your daughter sees the truth on what she needs to do.
DebOctober 2nd, 2016 at 9:29 PM
Kim, Thank you so much for responding, I really appreciate your input. Kicking her out of the house was the tough, My kids mean the world to me, I have 3 daughters 23,25,29. My son would be 32 this year. We lost him at the age of 6 to cancer, It’s a struggle to hear her say that I am a bad mom and so on. I pray every day that
she will see what she is doing. At this point it has been 3 days, I talked to her briefly through face book and she is still adamant that this is all my fault. I, like you am going to have to remove myself from her life. I don’t plan on contacting her. I feel like she is ruining her life and in Thanks again for commenting, Take Care, Deb
KimOctober 3rd, 2016 at 4:59 PM
I understand. My youngest daughter is 33 and I have another daughter that is 34. I love them both. It was extremely hard to ask my youngest daughter to leave. I was shocked she would rather leave than change her ways. I believe now, amongst everything else she lost especially her children, it may have opened her eyes in to realizing she has a drug problem. I was blamed for everything and was told I was horrible mom and I was the one with the problems. I have always encouraged both of my daughters to be strong independent women. When they are sick and on drugs they can’t see the good.
phyllisOctober 20th, 2016 at 9:51 PM
I am DESPERATE to talk to another parent going thru this.
this is the worst pain I have ever experienced…
JamieOctober 24th, 2016 at 9:27 PM
My daughter is the oldest of 4 children she is 26 yrs and has an addiction of spice k2 and meth. We have been told she is now on heroin and ice. She went into rehab in 2010 for alcohol and signed herself out. It has been a battle since. Our family has suffered and we have tried multiple times to get her help. My husband is a paramedic and has been dealing with addicts as patients lately and its sad and scary knowing that your daughter has this disease but also knowing how serious this is too because these drugs and the effects it has on each person are different. Our daughter has shown up at our house multiple times high and eats or sleeps (well she use too), sometimes she would come by just to pick a fight with me (mom) and the police would come. She has been arrested here at our house and they found 2 bags of spice k2 on her. We had to block her on social media (they said tough love) it was the hardest thing a mom could ever do. I am so scared I am going to be burying my daughter soon if she doesn’t get help. She refuses to go back to rehab. We have talked to her probation officer and the judge. She has court soon We are praying for something to be done. I use to blame myself as she was always blaming me until a friend told me that we needed to go to a Nar-anon meeting not AA or NA but Nar-anon and we did. The first meeting changed us. Opened our eyes and showed us that we aren’t alone and we aren’t the only ones out here. We drive 3 hours just to go to one. If you can’t go to one I highly recommend going to the website and at least purchasing the book. It really helps. I’m still learning alot and I have my days just as tonight my daughter texted me asking me for help for groceries and I didn’t respond because she was at the bar Saturday with friends and has pictures all over fb with beers and cigs in her hand. If she can afford that she can afford food. I have learned not to be an enabler anymore. She has other people that can help her we love her and she knows it but she literally has put us thru **** even last night . I’m strong as I type this. I hate drugs. Ugh!!! Love the addict hate the addiction!! Another thing I learned remember we didn’t Cause it! we can’t Cure it! we don’t Condone it! We can’t Control it!! but you can Care!
DianeNovember 15th, 2016 at 5:10 PM
We believe that we are in a similar situation the same as you. My daughter is 39 and when she gets with her special man that a Judge put a No Contact Order on for domestic violence, she becomes a different person. She has a really good job but never has any money when she is with him. I’ve heard that he sells drugs for a living. When she told me that she was out of money until payday, two days later she came in with a wad of money. I don’t know if she won it playing poker with her friends or if she is selling for that man. it makes me feel awful because she is with the worst person that she could ever be with. He has no job, doesn’t want to work, beats my daughter really bad sometimes and even kidnaps her after she gets off of work. I was a great mom and was always there for my daughter. I know that I was a really good mom and I’m sure that you were too. It does break your heart that a child grows up and turns out doing bad things. However, if she’s ever arrested, I won’t give a you know what. She has done it to herself.
LauraFebruary 16th, 2017 at 11:04 AM
I am in the same boat you are…my daughter has done it all…the toxic environment she has created in my home is sheer hell….we are at a loss next step is kicking her our permanently but she always comes back…we are just lost…26 and dont care….lost and confused here too….
ThereseMarch 27th, 2017 at 8:33 PM
I have the same problem with my 26 yr old daughter. My daughter lives here only because I want to make sure that my 5 yr old grandson is being taken care of. Yes my husband and I are the ones raising him. I want to kick her out but she always threatens to take her son. I met with a attorney next week because I want to seek custody of my grandson. I have video of my daughter passing out at the dinner table while my grandson was waking her up. I am disgusted….I need to get him away frrom her until she can get help…She doesnt want to work yet she gets food stamp and sell them for drugs. She is disrespectful to me and my husband. She has called my grandson horrible names. She takea off for days and then comes back like she is the best mom. That laats for a day. She has scabs all over her face I cant stand to look at her. I do need to do something
nancy p.July 14th, 2017 at 6:25 AM
i have a daughter who lives in mass and she has been drinking and doing drugs since she was 16 yrs old and now she is 41 yrs old she is having sex with different men drinks all thetime and now she is into heavy duty drugs you name it and she has done it and still is today but the courts in mass say there is nothing i can do she is an adult so where do you go now
BrendaSeptember 21st, 2017 at 7:32 PM
Deb, your post is old however, you and others are in my thoughts. Grab the abuse early. Especially if your child is under 18. Say I love you, no matter what they say. Don’t get sucked into the hateful wordss they use to distract you. Tough love ? Do it quick and fast. No car, no cash. No clothes. Nothing, no toothbrush. Track her phone. Alanon, diesnt tellyou, they will prey upon those that have no family, so cut it quick and fast and hard, say come back when remember right from wrong. Drop them off in worst part of town. Scared straight. Maybe? I don’t give money, it’s tough love as they say. Tough when she is in hospital nearly dead? tough love when she’s been beaten, and I go to hospital? They need love not hate. Love, say you are worth more. I won’t throw you away. Don’t believe what those druggies tell you. You are worth more than any mistake, or choice you regret. You are loved. You are not trash. Addicts, are human beings. Give your child vitamins, say holidays are free days, always. Even if it’s 10 mins. Never be alone. Come home . tough love is a balance a parent must choose. Meet for lunch. Promise on the 3 Rd of each month. Make a promise for hope. I know this sounds random, well addiction is messy. Live your life , set boundaries, leave pebbles of hope. Peace to all.
James CNovember 15th, 2017 at 9:27 AM
It helps reading as I know I am not alone in this fight. My daughter is 33 and has been with her boyfriend about a year she is over there all the time although she has a ten year old and they live with me, he is like a son to me but has a problem with mom kind of forgetting him. Tina and her boyfriend had a baby girl six months ago. Tina is out all times of the night and I found empty drug bags in her pocket book . she seems to be getting worse, her car is falling apart, she always has had a job and now doesn’t even look, when she is here she sleeps late . I’m thinking about kicking her out and keeping her son as he doesn’t want to go with her, but I am afraid if anything happens to either one of them I will not forgive myself, you would think she would have learned a lesson as her mother died from AIDS 1995 and I had a problem with drugs after her mother died, ( I have been clean more than fifteen years ) . I am finally going to go to a support group and see if that helps, I pray for all those going through the same thing, (drugs are the devils number one tool on this earth ) .
RENEENovember 15th, 2016 at 11:44 PM
I WAS SEARCHING FOR INFO I HAVE A 24 YEAR DAUGHTER THAT JUST GOT SENT TO STATE FACILITY SHE ACTS LIKE SHE GONE GRAZY , HER FIRST PANELS CAME BACK GOOD NOW SHE WENT OFF AT HOSP. SENT HER TO STATE ANY HINDSIGHT
moshirvaJune 27th, 2017 at 11:36 PM
If you believe its impossible for one to help another person become happy, then why do you suggest a comment; aren’t you trying to do just that. Seek help and you shall find it, do not give up until you find the solution or the solution finds you. wish you best of luck.
JoOctober 18th, 2017 at 11:44 PM
Whatever our child became was because of our parenting or lack thereof. I totally believe this with 100% of my soul. So if she is an addict you put her there. Unless she was born wi
th some sort of disability….they are what we raise. Period the end. With that being said, if my daughters end up on the pole it is my fault. If they end up using drugs it is my fault. We are such a generation of slacker parenting….trying to be their friend instead of their parent. It’s really sad.
ElenaOctober 19th, 2017 at 8:26 AM
I totally disagree with you however I have seen parents treat their son or daughter as if they are best friends. Drinking and smoking pot with their child, that is not the relationship some parents have with their children’s, maybe others. My daughter is not all my best friends she is my daughter.
ceebeeOctober 19th, 2017 at 11:06 AM
Wowza Jo. I can say emphatically that my husband and I were NOT slackers by any stretch of the imagination. We were very clear with our girls that we were the parents, NOT their buddy, and that we had a big job to do which was guiding them to become independent, successful and loving people. I welcome your comments.
SandyMarch 19th, 2018 at 2:56 AM
Jo, you need to get a grip on reality. You could never be so wrong.
JodieMarch 21st, 2018 at 11:17 AM
Hi JO, I wonder by your statement if you have had a child that has an substance abuse problem. I do, and I constantly wonder what I did wrong. How did I let this girl down that I love so much? I am sure I am not the only parent that wonders what they did, no matter what people tell me, no matter, what I tried to do as a parent. I wasn’t good enough! Jo, us parents are already beating ourselves up, you don’t need to abuse us further.
annMay 17th, 2018 at 8:32 AM
Yes we raise our children but once they are adults they do what they want to . Sorry I can’t agree that I’m responsible for my son’s addiction , the other children did not turn out addicts although every one is different . we have choices get rid of the guilt perhaps you have some issues of your own that causes you to feel this way.
careyAugust 29th, 2018 at 5:51 PM
I would agree if it weren’t for the fact that my sister and I are completely opposite and have two very different relationships with our Mother. they have always been way closer. my sister could talk to my mom and often did about any and everything.
I can’t because I have other issues. and they are ones that other people my mom always seems to badmouth have. gender issues. sexuality.. although she was very supportive and came to most all the singing gigs I used to do on weekends at a local gay bar..
anyhow long story short we both ended up addicts of two very different drugs..her heroin and I meth. She was in pain a lot and I have adhd and narcolepsy. even before drugs man I never could stay awake in high school during my morning classes.
but anyhow, I just want you all to know I feel your pain , I really do. i had the best parents I could ever ask for. this is not their fault nor is it yours. drugs are a real problem these days. its not like the 60’s where it was for fun and most people grew out of it. it was like a phase. i dont blame anyone however I am still mad at my ex boyfriends mom who is the one who sneakily introduced me to the drug meth one night with my permission however I asked her what it was she would be putting in my drink to sober me up and she just said its like caffeine but stronger so I was like ok. anything but being too buzzed to drive I was all for I guess. even if she had said it was meth it wouldnt have mattered. I had never heard of it that I can recall. I do remember one drug from education videos in high school..pcp. I knew I didnt want to ever try it because the guy on it on the video wasnt even funny he was sad and pathetic and everybody in the class was laughing at him cuz he was like not even on this planet in his right mind.
anyhow I was in college. community college. perhaps it would have been better had I had the money and the grades and knew what I wanted to do in life and had gone straight to a real college , a university. then I wouldnt have met white trash long haired boyfriend and mother. I know that sounds mean but its true and there was no reason to bring me to their level, or lifestyle like that.
I had been going to church and got saved when I was 15. I was also really naive about the world.
but anyhow…I hope and pray for reconciliation.
beverleeSeptember 11th, 2018 at 1:55 PM
i use to think it was my fault, until someone told me….Look at Adam and Eve, their heavenly Father was and IS perfect!!!!!they lived with no others to have negative peer pressure, perfect envirnoment,,, but God allowed them choice,,,and they made their own ,,,and it has effected the rest of the human race since……….drug addicts come from every background no matter who the parents are. or how they have been raised…..i have 2 herion/xanex addicts,,it is very hard………..going to church in christ-believing church will help you….give you hope……
Elsa CrigerFebruary 6th, 2014 at 2:26 PM
What do I do. My daughter is 30 years old, takes drugs, currently she is homeless in Seattle. I have brought her home twice to live with us and for short periods of times she does well, but my husband and her do not get along. She is very strong willed and refuses to stop smoking and using. She associates with people who use and will bring them to our house when we are not around. At times she gets violent and I finally had to send her away, she will even get violent with her other brother who lives with us as well, he has Autism. I use to send her money, not very much, and lately I have cut her off completely. I don’t understand how people go on with life, because I find it very difficult. Everyday is a struggle, my mind is on her, I think about her, where is she sleeping, is she safe, is she eating, does she have warm clothes? I worry, I find it so difficult to function. I cannot share my thoughts with anyone, since when I do try with family members, they want to write her off. I cannot write my daughter off, I love her, she is part of me. I pray for her on a daily basis. I want to hear from her and at the same time I dread to hear from her. My job suffers, my faith is what holds me together. How do people survive. When she calls me and tells me the things she does and who she associates with, I just want to scream. There have been times I have thought of leaving this earth, but I have another son, I just care for, and I it would not be fair. Any suggestions.
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ceebeeOctober 19th, 2017 at 11:08 AM
And Elena…my last post meant to include her in the my response. Truly would welcome further comments on this discussion.
deeApril 27th, 2014 at 12:26 PM
I really think a parent Shoukd give Al Anon at least a try. Other people going thru same situation will be supportive. Also family therapy to address your grief and turmoil and how to stage a family intervention with firm boundaries. My fiance daughter is addict with mental illness and has just smashed into a tree and has head Injury. At least the hospital has been detoxing her for 2 weeks while dealing with brain injury.
Ca. Read families apart badly. Our compassion can blind us and make us open to manipulation!
salSeptember 11th, 2016 at 10:51 AM
I have tried al anon a few times over the years and although I found a moment of peace through a recent meeting, I am turned off completely by the meetings. I know it is important to have support but I just can’t get relief from them. I am fully aware of what I can or cannot or should not do for my 25 year old daughter and hearing about similiar or exact situations, good and bad results, does not give me any gratification. Any alterntive ideas for me?
NikkiMay 31st, 2014 at 3:20 AM
Hi, I know your pain. I’m sure there is not much we can do. I think that there comes a time where we have to except no responsibility and allow our children to learn but it hurts so so much. . I’m so sad to say but my 20 yr old daughter uses and I’m angry and embarrassed. I also am at a loss. I would love it to just magically get better but it isn’t :-(
CharleneOctober 21st, 2016 at 5:53 PM
Has anything changed with your daughter? I’m in the beginning stages of this nightmare as my daughter is only 17. She is a completely different person since she began using. Rarely comes home, won’t talk to us, rarely goes to school, is on anonymous sites constantly trying to get drugs and alcohol and appears will do anything for it. She used to be amazing. I’m so heartbroken I can hardly breathe. How do you survive and function for other family members?
Carla K.July 15th, 2016 at 11:32 PM
I know how you feel. I wish I had an answer. My son is the same way-I am terrified and always hope I am doing the right thing by tough love.
JaySeptember 27th, 2016 at 12:39 AM
I am going through the same thing with my 20 year old son, he is stealing everything out of my house. His Dad is no longer living with us. My son also suffers from a mental illness
Brenda B.January 27th, 2017 at 7:35 PM
My daughter is 29, will be 30 in May. We (myself, my sister, my mother, my partner) have done everything to help her since she was 15 years old. She moved out of town into the city unexpectedly and unplanned 6 months ago. No job, no income, etc. She was working here at a very lucrative job for a couple of years and then met a guy and got involved in meth. She unexpectedly left her job here, left us and moved to the city. She has since started working as an “escort” and recently someone sent me pictures/videos of her which were just so horrible, I haven’t slept for days. She is not just an escort, she is making absolutely gross, horrible adult films (not very good at that). She has been on a 5 day meth run, hasn’t slept for 5 days and her boyfriend called me today very concerned. She ran from their home, into a very bad, violent neighborhood in the city, talking to herself and just being totally out of it. I advised him to call the police to do a “welfare check” on her, tell the police what she’s wearing, where she is approximately, etc. and if necessary apprehend her for her own well being. Now she’s back at his place. He is a nice man with a young child and insists he wants to leave in the morning (can’t tolerate her anymore as she is really affecting his ability to maintain his sobriety). I don’t blame him. I have contacted the city police, crime stoppers, sent copies of this woman’s fb page (the woman who instigates and initiates the entire escort thing) trying to prevent her from preying on other even younger prey. My daughter’s boyfriend and I spoke a long time tonight. I told him to leave. If he wants a relationship with his young son he cannot be around my daughter at this time. He has to #1 put his son first and #2 put himself second as he is not a good father unless he is in a good place. He is heartbroken but agrees. I’m just wondering if I did the right thing by turning in this “madam” who preys on vulnerable women by offering them a place to stay, etc. and then getting them involved in “escorting” and then very vile videos. To me she is the equivalent of a pimp. I have turned her into the police, submitted her fb page, etc. to them. Any advice? I know my daughter is going to hate me for this, but then she already does.
Christine CSeptember 6th, 2016 at 6:19 AM
I read your entry as I too was in search for some relief today as I have for many days and many years before. I too have a daughter, now 35 and it feels like this nightmare will never end. She has four beautiful children and had an awesome husband. He recently filed for divorce, something my husband and I had hoped and prayed would never touch our children. He has full custody and she gets supervised visits but rarely shows up. She lives in our town so we see her from time to time with people we know are living the same lifestyle. No job, on and off homelessness, it’s a parents nightmare. I pray everyday for a miracle because I truly believe that is what it will take to bring her back out of this. 13 rehabs, multiple jailings, prison, mental institution, beaten, raped, tons of car wrecks etc… I haven’t written to give you some great wisdom I’ve found because every day I am faced with pain as I realize my precious daughters choices. I’ve had to face that like I also have my own choices to make so does she. I am a Christian and by the grace of God have overcome my worst demons, I repeat by his grace. I have had to face the fact that she is an independent person as we all are and she alone can decide how she will live. Secondary to this chronic issue many years ago, driven by my faith I asked my pastor if I could start a bible study group for recovering people. I saw a huge hole in the church when it came to encouraging and being there for the addicted. He said yes. I knew in my heart that not all addicts wanted to be that and many were searching and that the church should be an oasis for any and all who are searching for answers in this life. Since that time in 2003 we have mentored and ministered to thousands of people seeking recovery in our church, community and local prison. I have been blessed to witness people who would have never believed they could live clean and sober and in peace get free. I have written and published 3 courses for faith based recovery mentorship for recovering people and the family of the addicted. Some days I hurt really bad but I will never believe we do not have a choice. I keep moving forward and I show up every week at the jail for those women who are desiring a new life. God’s blessings on you my sister, keep the faith God has a special plan for you!
LizetteSeptember 6th, 2016 at 9:26 AM
Thank you for reaching out to me especially today since I’ve gotten news from her and they are not very good. There isn’t a day I don’t think of her. I keep thinking back when she was younger and wonder what did I miss? What did I do wrong? Sometimes I wonder why God has put this burden on me when I sacrificed so much for my kids while other parents who were selfish ended up with normal adult children. I sometimes wonder if it is not better for her to be dead and not having to go through the life she’s going through and have her whole family suffer because of her choices. I am ashamed of these thoughts.
At this time I do not have any hope for her, there is not a hint that she would change.
I thank you again and will keep praying for my daughter and will keep your daughter in my prayers too.
KimSeptember 7th, 2016 at 1:45 AM
Christine C, your response has been a blessing to read. Every week there are new events with my daughter. This beautiful girl is a broken soul that I want to get help. I pray that your daughter opens her eyes as well as my own daughter. Thanks again for your words of wisdom.
RachelDecember 25th, 2017 at 3:09 AM
Christine and all , I have an almost 27 yr old daughter, who had been using since she was 17. She has 2 beautiful children, and now expecting a third. S he has been to jail, rehab, hospitals. She tells me she wants help. As a mom I went so desperately to believe her. She moves in and out of my house with the kids. My husband and I want the best for her and the kids but cannot continue to watch her destroy herself and endanger the kids. I don’t know where to go from here. I am told that I can’t get custody of kids, I’m basically a holiday Inn for her to stay, bring kids,eat, come and go as she please, until I close the door on her. It’s hard to do because of kids. I am looking for counseling for myself, as thisoon is tearing me up.
SandraSeptember 7th, 2016 at 12:10 PM
Hi Elsa. Your post brought me to tears as I am in the same situation with my 24 year old daughter. She is presently in jail for the past 10 days and begs and pleads everyday for us to bond her out. It’s a daily struggle not to pay the $270 and bring her home, but everyone is advising us to leave her there until she is at least detoxed. She has a court date in 23 days and we are hoping and praying for a court mandated drug rehab and counseling, instead of longer jail time. I myself do not sleep worrying about my daughter. For the past 8 months , I feel like I am barely functioning. I spend every moment worrying, thinking and praying for some miracle to end this nightmare. Sometimes I wish I could close my eyes and never wake up, but I know that’s not the solution to help my daughter. I have to be here to see her through this. I have read so many posts on so many websites and there are so few happy endings. Is there no help for our kids ? My relatives are very supportive, but this is new to us all and we just seem to be going around in circles and not getting anywhere. All she did for the past 8 months is lie, scream and cursed at us whenever we bring up her addiction. She would never even admit she is a heroin addict. Now she says she wants to get clean. I am not sure if her being in jail is making her realize she wants to change or if it’s a ruse for us to get her out. It’s a parent worse nightmare to watch their child changed from a beautiful angel into someone we can barely recognize. My husband and I keep asking ourselves what we could have done differently. We have 4 other kids who grew up in the same environment..where did we go wrong here ? My heart breaks for all the parents here. I pray for each and everyone ..for comfort, strength and guidance. I pray that we all get our loved ones back.
Christine CollierSeptember 8th, 2016 at 6:29 AM
Dear Sandra. My heart hurts for you as I read your entry today. I have dealt with this issue for nearly 20 years with my daughter. After many many many rehabs, jailing, time lost with her husband and children I would of never thought that she would continue in this way. I wanted to encourage you and your husband to not try and make her fall easy on her. Unfortunately I’ve learned whenever we’ve done that it only seems to energize her drug use issue. I think we all have to learn that there are consequences to our behaviors and actions and when someone takes our consequences on it leaves us little chance to learn and change. It is a scary notion for our children to be incarcerated but it is actually way safer than being out in the world seeking and using heroin or any other drug. God bless you. I have had to completely place my daughter in gods hands and allow her to make her choices and deal with her consequences. It took me many years and many talks from recovery councilors, pastors and others who have walked this out to get to this place. I had to realize that her chaos had become my chaos and that I deserved a better life as God has good plans for me. I don’t anyone that has not been somehow touched by this issue can understand the pain we live through. So today I get up and fix me a cup of coffee, talk to God and give her over once more. I open my email and read all these entries and I believe that today we are here to offer each other love, understanding, an ear and somehow some encouragement. God’s blessings on you and your husband.
NevaSeptember 17th, 2016 at 11:20 PM
Pam thank you for your post. I have had to get therapy because both of my daughters, age 20 & 22 are on meth. We have had the 22 year olds child since he was born, in delivery room, was me & her father, he is 4 now and the father, which was a no custodial parent, until 60 days ago. Mind you this has been going on since January 23rd, and county, city, and state police will not do anything, but let them continue using for the bigger fish. I worry half the night and all day wondering about the knock on the door, saying one of our daughters our dead. My husband is upset, I can’t bring them up, as far as he is concerned, they are already dead. The 20 year old left her son with us 7 months ago when he was only 5 months old, I can’t believe both our daughters have left their children to chase a man and drugs. I am sick everyday, I cry every day, maybe once, maybe 10 times, we have had to buy from formula to diapers, with no help, I can’t work, because this grandson has been leff alone too many times. The 1st time this happened I got a call saying is this d*#$×”s grandma? I said yes, the girl says good cause my next call is dhs. She goes on to say her parents have had dylan for 3 days and haven’t seen my daughter and these parents were in no shape to take care of a 5 month old, they use, and they use with their daughter. I have notified all law enforcement, I have even tried to have the one that’s about to loose her child, committed, the cops pick her up take her to a state funded rehab, when I already have a plane ticket and bed waiting in texas, she gets to the state funded rehab and fails a drug test for meth, but passes a mental test, and they dims it!!!! I have done all steps while keeping a 5 month old, now 1 year and 2 weeks, and his mother didn’t show for his birthday, neither daughter showed, then the following Thursday, my husband’s youngest aunt, 45, passes away from cancer, neither daughter showed up. I can’t sleep, eat, only worry. I clean to take my mind off of this terrible situation, no one should have to go through.
DebiDecember 25th, 2017 at 4:23 PM
Your story sounds exactly like mine, it’s hard to function like you said and that our daughters are not the same people they used to be, they are now a stranger and worse yet it feels like a death, that our daughters have died and we’re left to pray and wonder if we will ever get them back. It’s Christmas and should be a happy family time, but not for mom’s of addicts, I rarely smile or laugh, I am not the same person because the addiction has taken over my life. Just wanted you to know you are not alone, so many with the same horrible stories to tell. Keep praying and believing for a miracle, never give up! Blessing to you and your family.
michelleSeptember 12th, 2016 at 3:45 AM
i feel where you are coming from cause i to have a daughter that is 34 and out in the streets with my 2 granddaughters it scares me to know that they are out there somewhere and not only that soon its going snow and with that the cold. i wish i knew what to do i dont know what is worst knowing that they are there somewhere or knowing that i cant do a DAM thing about it my daughter and i were so close and i mean close everywhere i went she was there right there with me know matter what and with her doing drugs and i found out that she was arrested for drugs and has a warrant. i just wish there was something that could be done. how about we all just get are kids no matter how old they are and go some where and do it are way .
DebbieSeptember 12th, 2016 at 4:16 PM
Michelle have you tried reporting her and the children as missing persons and telling them (the police) that you are concerned for the childrens’ welfare? Then at least you know you tried to protect the children. Has everyone seen the video from Ohio police? Thats the cold hard truth of all this.
DebbieSeptember 18th, 2016 at 1:00 PM
Neva I really feel for you. I feel for for all loved ones of addicts, especially the ones using these potent drugs. None of us understand it no matter how hard we try to figure it out. Please, please,please go to a Dr. Get something to take the edge off. I had to or I was ready to do myself in. Thinking about my situation consumed me. Anyway I got the smallest dose of prozac and only took one when I felt I was going mad. Maybe once or twice a week just to get my mind out of the rut. You may need more – everyone is different. We HAVE TO take care of ourselves mentally however we can. This is what I had to do to keep my sanity. No we are not weak. We are broken hearted human beings.
PamelaSeptember 29th, 2016 at 11:14 PM
I know exactly how you feel but my daughter has kids and the ex has already taken the first child. I too sometimes think that living this way has to be worse than death….again I’m not selfish enough to do that to my family. That’s the worst thing to do to the ones left behind that really love you. I do understand why people kidnap they’re child or grandchild if they are being kept from them. You just got to know that you’d never strip running and anyone that’s got any Compton sense knows that isn’t real love to the child….only if they are in danger our being physically abused and the system fails to see through the lies that the so called perfect person they pretend to be and it never stops. Keeping a child away from anyone that has raised a big portion of the child life is so wrong. It hurts so deep, as deep as a death. It makes a person physically and mentally ill. Unless you’re a selfish person a person that does so has a very cold heart and only lives themselves.
DianeNovember 15th, 2016 at 5:20 PM
I am so sorry for what you are going through. My husband and I are going through something similar with my 39 year old daughter. We have allowed her to live in our small apartment that is connected to our house while she has tried to get away from her horrible man. He is extremely violent and abusive and we do not want him to come to our home. There is a court No Contact Order but they see each other anyway. This man is the cause of her moving here as she got evicted from two other apartments because of his violent behaviors to other residents. She refuses counseling and keeps going back to him. I have finally given up on this situation after many years. The next time she moves out, I’m changing the locks and letting her know that there won’t be any more living here. I love her but she has three cats in her apartment and I never know when she’s coming to feed them so I have to make sure that they are fed. This man is going to kill my daughter before it’s over but I’ve done all I can do and she goes back every time. I just want you to know that I understand how hard it is to be the mom in this kind of situation. I’m sure that you were a great mom but for some reason these women have to learn for themselves and if they can’t fix it there is not much we can do. That is the sorry part.
Daniel bDecember 7th, 2016 at 6:09 PM
We are in the same situation. Our 28 year old daughter is living down the street with a man that beats her so bad that she was at the hospital the other day for treatment. This has been going on for a year, she lost her 3 beautiful children and they both are on drugs. Meth steals your soul and we are worried about her. She has been beaten and thrown out of his home a dozen times now and I told her yesterday that if she goes back to him this time we will not let her come back home. I am at my end with her. We have 2 daughters that were raised in our home ( married 33 years and still in love ) there has NEVER been any violence in our home so we don’t understand her. Our other daughter never has taken a drug works in the medical field, been to college and it a wonderful mom. They are like Cain and Able. We don’t understand what makes her go back to him, even knowing that he doesn’t love her. He says he does but his actions say something else. I wish that we could have her committed because what she is doing is crazy. We just have no answers, I am afraid that he is going to kill her. he tells her that all the time and I believe him. We jusy keep praying and believing..
RENEENovember 15th, 2016 at 11:45 PM
I FEEL YOUR PAIN
RutendoApril 27th, 2017 at 5:07 PM
Thank God l read your story. I am in the same situation. Every time I eat l think of my daughter. I can’t cry anymore the pain is something I can not describe. She is 20 and I don’t know what drugs she might be doing. She has cut communication and l have no access to her as she has blocked me. I pray for her every night and hope God will heal my pain and tears
CarolApril 27th, 2017 at 8:17 PM
I know just how you feel my daughters are 27 and 29 now I haven’t been on hear for a long time but I have to share my story we went to Florida for spring break and my oldest granddaughter beg me to let her mother go so I did it was the worse trip ever they stole my sister car my niece laptop and then stole my fathers pills my sister told me it was time for us to go so when I got home my oldest daughter stole a car and has been in jail for almost a month I’m praying to god they keep her for awhile so so she can dry out and not go back to drugs but my younger daughter swears she doesn’t do drugs at all I’m just a lost parent like everybody else I wish there was away to but a end to all of this I’m so tired of seeing my grand kids crying for there mothers there got to be some help somewhere for this addiction they have
KathyJune 28th, 2017 at 7:55 PM
Hugs to you Elsa. I hope the pain you felt in February has been downsized with time, understanding, patience and this wonderful site of “Good Therapy”. I hope you are feeling stronger. As I look back over the last 10 years and watched our incredible kind, smart only son go from bad to worse, I too felt my heart beat out of my chest. Seeing him use heroin, meth, crack, alcohol and opiods took my breath away. Two great rehabs, one-on-one counseling for over a year every week, meetings, classes and intensive in-patient and out-patient and still, the drugs continue to seize him like the claws of a monster. With that being said I am now OK with his horrible decisions. He understands no matter what he does, we will always love him…not his decisions, but love his being and the person he could still become. NEVER give up hope!! Hope is free and never-ending. I hope perhaps you can find support from group therapy, free Nar-anon meetings and other understanding people. You have not failed!! Your family loves you and needs you now. Let your daughter make her choices. They are not your choices. She knows you love her. Move on and make a wonderful path for your son and yourself!!!
JenMay 20th, 2018 at 9:24 PM
Hi. I was just reading the comments. Yours really struck home with me. My daughter is 30 years old and a year into using crystal meth. Her mind has deteriorated so bad in the last few months. Hears voices, paranoid, wanders. My beautiful, smart articulate daughter……. has become this. All over a man! Like you, I am worried that she is going to die. Im finding help for me and her, but Im curious as to what happened with your daughter, as its two years later? I hope good news.
May 14th, 2014 at
I feel the ‘elephant in the room’ is not being addressed. When we as parents of addicted daughters and sons ask for help it is not about us.! We are asking for help for our kids. As I stood next to police officers last night trying explain how my daughter who was such a lovely wonderful, thoughtful caring child can run out of a restaurant without paying the $65. Tab and leave her boyfriend there I realized that the police are not there to help. They might want to because they see the situation but unless it deals w law what can they do. My husband has excellent health insurance and our daughter is only 23 years old so is still on our policy, but the co-pay for in care at a mental hospital is $450 per day and there is no guarantee that they can help her. These young adults need our help and yes I’ve gone to alanon but will not give up on my daughter.
Cheryl EAugust 4th, 2016 at 12:31 AM
Both of my daughters are herion addicts I’m losing my mind,one lies and acts like she’s not doing anything,but I can see the difference in her.The other one says she jus does it for fun sometimes I jus want my girls back!My heart breaks,I can’t eat,sleep.I’m a good mom an they had a normal decent life I don’t understand my oldest got hooked from pain pills she wants help,and needs help but I know I would never wish this nightmare on anyone does anyone have some good advice?My biggest fear is losing one of them.My friends say I need help cause alls I do is live for them an not myself but in honesty I don’t have no clue how to stop worrying and killing myself over anxiety from all this,,someone please help me!
The GoodTherapy.org TeamAugust 4th, 2016 at 7:40 AM
Thank you for your comment. We wanted to reach out and give you some resources that can help if you are feeling severe anxiety. First, if you are in crisis, or are in danger of harming yourself, it is very important that you seek immediate assistance. You can call your local law enforcement agency (911 in the US) or visit your local hospital emergency room for help. You can also call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 (TTY: 1-800-799-4TTY). Please visit this page for more helpful resources: https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html
In addition, if you would like to look for a therapist that can help with the experiences you mention, you can search the GoodTherapy.org directory here: https://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html.
Please know we are thinking of you and wishing you the very best, Cheryl!
The GoodTherapy.org Team
DebbieAugust 4th, 2016 at 9:33 AM
Cheryl.. I completely understand how you are feeling. My son has also been a heroin addict. he was clean for 17 months & just recently relapsed. My heart is so broken & I am in such shock again. My anxiety has gone through the roof with him, you love them so much but honestly through my years of going through this with him there was not one thing I could do, they have to want to get help.. our enabling them is putting them closer into the grave.. as much as that sounds harsh, its the truth. My only hope now & then has been God, prayer.. We cant control whats out of our control. I hope & pray peace for you & your daughters get the help they need. Please take care of yourself through this.
philipSeptember 4th, 2016 at 11:12 AM
My daughter is 40 she works in a prison as a RN over the last 8yrs she has a angry hatefull person in 2005 my 2nd. wife passed away i sold my house in hawaii and bought 2 houses 1 block from my daughters home i said to myself now i have the time to be a full time grandfather to my granddaughter so i moved to illinois in the first year there i wasn’t allowed to go to her home or see my granddaughter i was depressed over my wifes death , i sat there in my house alone for 1 year 7days before christmas i called my daughter and asked her if i could see my grandaughter she said well see. 2 months earlyer i had a mild stroke my daughter never came to see me i was not a dead beat dad her mother took me to court for non payment of child susport in court i proved i had over paid and her mother had comitted welfare fraud my mother was a RN and my 2nd. wife was a RN TOO i can tell you i have known plenty RNs most have compassion ny daughter lacks compassion she loves being the person in total control over others like the inmates in the prison i retired from the city of honolulu after working there for 30yrs. also i’m a vietnam combat vet she says she’s a christain , but i know she only loves power over others and all her bling i paid for her nursing school i’m living in the philippines my health is failing for 11yrs i asked her to repay me for nursing schooling even $200 mo.nth to start i need to go to my doctor in hawaii but ,i don’t have the funds i sent her a email yesterday as you can guess i got no reply today i opened facebook she was on chat her light was green 5 seconds later the green light went off folks i don’t know what to do the truth is i don’t think i’ll see my birthday in december back to my daughter i worked in a hospital and i know some nurses steal meds and take them i believe thats what she’s been doing for 8yrs. since she works for the state in the prison i tried contact her boss she’s untouchable just like making a complaintagainst a police officer they all turn a blind eye no body cares wat do i do now?
LeighNovember 11th, 2016 at 10:04 PM
I was going to post the exact same story as you, but insert my 19 year old Daughter. My Daughter started smoking pills, and has graduated to heroin. She and I have been extremely close her whole life until 5 months ago. She spends every day lying, manipulating, and hurting herself sinking deeper and deeper. I have a 17 year old Daughter also. My 19 year old has started making up stories about me and telling my little one im crazy. She needs the little one to believe that I make up the stories about her doing heroin so nobody else suspects her. I too, have lived my life for my girls. All I ever wanted was to have a daughter and I was blessed with 2! My 19 year old who looked at me as her hero and who was the most loving and loyal daughter ever, now acts like disgusting. She is always rude to me, takes from me, and tries to turn others against me. I worry non stop every day, I can’t eat, sleep, work. I hear/read so many stories about how the addict never stops struggling it ends up dead. I don’t think I would be able to survive the loss of my precious little girl. You aren’t alone! :(
michelle e.December 9th, 2016 at 7:28 PM
Well lady’s we all feel what the others are feeling and understanding on what each and every one of us have gone though each @nd every minute day and night. Well just to let you all know i been talking to my daughter for a whole week and have seen my 2 granddaughter s its about 2 in a half years it felt so. nice. Right now only because she is in jail with a bond 1st 3000- 2nd on a 20,000 bond. You know ladys we do what we do because we are there mother and we LOVE them and we will always be there no matter what. Cause love will conker all
KimDecember 31st, 2016 at 8:33 PM
I feel your pain .
catbeeJanuary 30th, 2017 at 11:35 PM
Eileen, you are SO right… the ‘elephant in the room’ ! The elephants often block a parent’s attempt to get help for their child early on, when the parent first recognizes worrisome changes yet parents are often the first ones to see these changes yet are excluded from actively participating in getting their child the help they need all because they are over 18 years of age! Yet, parents know their children better than anyone and are often in a position to intervene and stop the destructive cycle their child is in. All in the name of ‘privacy’ laws when most of the time, their adult child lacks the where-with-all to get the help they need for themselves. We know for sure that our 20 yr old daughter is smoking weed daily but we suspect it’s more than that given her irrational-impulsive behavior, grandiosity and extremely irritable and angry mood. And I have been suspecting for the last few months, that she may be also selling herself for the $$ since she is constantly talking to men on the phone and unexpectedly leaves the house several times a day. She’s been a challenge from day one and many many situations have occurred as a result of her defiance and poor choices, which have put her in bad situations that have led to incidents and crisis. She recently agreed to see a therapist, had a couple of sessions and then missed the last two. I contacted the therapist to say that there has been much history with our daughter (even before she turned 18) and that we wanted to come in and talk to her b/c we believed this ‘history’ would be helpful in treating her. The therapist said she couldn’t speak to us without having our daughter’s permission. I assured her that we were not seeking to get info about the content of their sessions but it was only for us to share with her some valuable history and background information which she should know. We felt that, at the very least, we could share our perspective since our daughter had a history of holding back information with other therapists and never made progress in therapy. Still, the therapist refused to hear what we had to say…she said it would be a ‘conflict of interest’ to speak with us without our daughter’s permission. I kindly said to the therapist that our daughter most likely speaks about us in her sessions (my daughter said she did) and we were never asked permission for our daughter to talk about US. Now would you not think that getting the perspective from other family members would be considered important when trying to understand how best to help a patient?? We do understand legal issues and privacy rights, but a parent’s perspective and valuable history, having raised that child, is wasted! THAT I believe, is yet another elephant in the room! So we just watch our daughter get worse as we suspect she’s using more serious drugs, is clinically depressed or both. Our hands remain tied in helping her, (with the exception of throwing her out on the streets, which we are not ready to do). And how does throwing them out of the house to live on the streets benefit them if they are not being treated for a substance abuse problem or mental illness? The problem is with our society…parents who have children (minors or adult children) with substance abuse are often blamed for their child’s problem instead of parents being given the support, encouragement and resources they need to ACTIVELY help their child get appropriate help! So yes, I believe the elephant in the room may be more that our society has eliminated a parent’s ability to help their child, regardless of their age. Here is how it feels to me: my child is dangerously hanging on to the edge of a cliff. I rush to her aid and extend my hand out so she can grab on to it and the legal system steps in and says to me, ‘sorry, we can’t allow you to help her…she’ll just have to fall.’
DebbieFebruary 10th, 2017 at 11:02 AM
Thank you for your comment on the “elephant” in the room. You are correct. My daughter who is 40 just spent 25 days in rehab for heroin, 2 days later she overdosed and is still using after being saved from her od. There is nothing left to do. I just wonder how to cope with my own emotions.
cindyJune 7th, 2014 at 9:58 PM
My daughter is an addict she is 22. I discovered it this past Christmas day. She smokes opiates and now I think it is “H” because it is cheaper. We put her in out patient because she was going to college and didn’t want to miss school..(this is the only positive in her life right now). I caught her in her room smoking about two months ago and just turned around and walked out…started crying..didn’t know what to do. She came in my office and said she needed help to go to detox. we put her in detox they only kept her for 3 days…said she was good to go. Well she isn’t. She got fired from her job (I think from stealing) and now she steals from me. last week she stole my debit card, all my DVDs are gone…and now tonight I just noticed my yard power tools are gone as I went to work in the yard.
I am beyond knowing what to do. She keeps saying she is clean and I know she isn’t. I find a hoot here…a little zippy there…not searching they just fall out of things when I clean house.
Still denies that she is using. Her dad thinks she is clean, her best friend, and her brother…she is hiding it well – she lives with me…all my valuables are locked up…I keep a key on me as I go running or leave the house…now I am thinking of putting dead bolts on my office door and my bedroom door…This is killing me. I am all alone. I don’t know how to help her anymore…I don’t think I can.
MariSeptember 20th, 2014 at 10:06 PM
Omg. What a way to live. Horrible how a person can ruin another’s life. Sad and so unfair. My daughter too.
Kat C.July 24th, 2016 at 7:00 AM
I know your pain. I’m dealing with this right now, trying to let go of her. She’s 41. This week while she and other addicts living in the home, a friend died. This was a eye opener for me. I can’t do this anymore. I realize she’s using me and lying. Can’t watch her die.
LesleyroseSeptember 5th, 2016 at 12:58 PM
Hi cindy my daughter started using solvents age 12 now at 33 she is an addict using heroin on a regular basis although she denies this as she denies everything if her lips are moving she is lying …such is the illness of addiction …I have honestly tried everything and had a breakdown …The illness of addiction is like a cancer spreading the illness to all of the family and whoever lives they touch … For me I had to recognise my daughter was gravely ill and I had to step back because my girl was not a bad person trying to be good but a sick person who had to get better …. I went to family anonymous which was a life saver for myself … As of today I have been bringing up my daughters 3 year old daughter who was a miracle …my other daughter and 21 year old other granddaughter have not spoken to me for years …. And so I wait…. the reward of patience is patience where hopefully my daughter will get the help she needs
Lesleyrose age 58 and still smiling
SandraMarch 25th, 2017 at 7:33 AM
I know how you must be feeling. My daughter is 39
She has a meth addiction this has gone on for years
Ever since she was 20 years old. She has two daughters one age 18 and a 2 year old. The 18 year old has a 5 month old son who has medical problems and is in state custody as she uses drugs too. I have guardianship of the 2 year old until next court date. My daughter has been to rehab 3 times she always leaves. My granddaughter has been in rehab once which did not help her. She has heart failure from the meth and is on many cardiac medications. I don’t know what to do any more but for sure I don’t want to enable them . This is only a brief summary. To tell it all would take me writing a book. I am totally burned out from all the events I have been thru. I have tried so hard to be a good mother and I feel I have failed. They get involved with the loser type guys, and my daughter I have lost my loving feelings for her. She talks bad about me to people and comes home begging. If I give in and let her stay she lays in bed crashing for a few days trashes the house, has no respect for herself.
I am not letting her stay anymore I worry about her and my granddaughter constantly but I feel helpless . They must want to get help, they just want to party as my granddaughter calles it. I feel
Hopeless about the situation .
Christine CSeptember 6th, 2016 at 6:39 AM
So very hard I totally understand. I have watched my eldest child 35 year old daughter basically ruin her life over her addiction. The pain is real but I have learned that I must let her go and allow her to live her life and deal with her outcomes. See we all have that right as humans. My faith in God keep me grounded but again the pain is real. Years ago I had to accept that as a mother my heart will always be connected to my “little girl” but I have to live out my life, make my choices and live out my God given destiny. I want to encourage you to find support through the the church, find a recovery group for you and life out your life and destiny. You are special and worthy of a full and peaceful life. We have to let them go. I pray all the time for my girl and hold on to the hope that today she will make a better choice. God bless you my sister.
MSeptember 14th, 2016 at 5:01 PM
Christine C, your post really touch me. I had a son die of a drug overdose and now my daughter is addicted to meth and I am certain she suffers from mental illness. I am trying to get temporary custody of my grandchild. Is there any way that you can contact me via email? I know that I have to go on living and I want to use my pain to one day help others like you have. I
catbeeFebruary 10th, 2017 at 1:57 PM
Oh ugh Cindy! Us too! We have everything locked–feel like we live at Fort Knox:(
TerryJune 20th, 2017 at 11:17 PM
Ladies, Never give up hope, but be true to yourselves. This drug crack,meth,ice or whatever it is, it is the drug from the scum of the earth. It’s all about the TUFF love act that is absolutely necessary from us parents that are left here crying and blaming our selves to understand these are CHOICES our kids have made. That as well means consequences they have to accept. We have to do tuff love act. Know it’s hard for us, but can save our child too.
catbeeMay 21st, 2018 at 10:34 AM
I know I’m responding to an old 2014 post of yours but I want to agree about the deadbolts. We placed a keypad entrance to our bedroom (where we have stored all of our keys for the house, cars, etc), as well as to our to two other rooms where we keep sensitive information (filing cabinets with credit card info, etc). I feel like our home has become Fort Knox! If I’m going back and forth between rooms and leave any door unlocked, even if for a few minutes, there she is. If I leave my bedroom door open even for a minute, she is in the vanity area borrowing makeup, etc. Random items throughout the house end up ‘missing’ and she’s the first to tell us that we just ‘forgot’ where we put it. Constant heartbreak and sadness for her dad and me. We don’t know WHO she is anymore or how we can help her. My husband and I just returned from an extended vacation (first time in 10 years) and we would not allow her to stay in our home in our absence. When we returned yesterday, she released holy hel* on us, to the extent that I almost called 911. She won’t see a therapist (unless they agree with her). It feels so, so helpless:(
arleneJune 15th, 2014 at 5:58 AM
We have been struggling with our adult daughter for the past 8 months.
In and out of rehab and halfway houses.
She is good for awhile, but relapses. (this has happened twice)
We have things locked up as well. Seeing them totally out of it, and ending up in emergency room, they look so sad and helpless…but the truth of the matter is WE are the ones who are helpless.
WE are helpless as WE can’t change the situation.
THEY are the only ones.
Until they do, they go thru hell along with everyone else around them.
Sooner or later you have to get tough and learn the word NO.
Have you ever gone to Naranon meetings?
They are a support group. They not only are a safe ground for you to vent your feelings for all that you are going thru…but may even offer some good sound advice.
I URGE you to seek them out and/or a therapist for yourself.
I have finally done this after our long 8 months that seems to be getting only worse.
Darren HaberJune 15th, 2014 at 9:34 AM
Thanks to all those who have commented. I can’t agree enough with those who have found their own support in 12-step meetings and/or their own counseling. It is VITAL that this happen given that addiction is a family illness. Moreover it is excellent role modeling for the addicted person to see family members doing what he/she could be doing. Do not be alone with this. It happens more often than you realize. Thanks to all those who read and comment on this blog. Kindest good wishes to all.
PatriciaMay 23rd, 2016 at 3:23 PM
That is sadly comforting to know but still doesn’t change anything.
MargaretJuly 9th, 2014 at 10:00 PM
Hi we too have a 32 year old drug addicted daughter who has put us to hell and back for the last 7 years , she has been arrested and been sentenced for drug issues also lost her driving licence , stolen things for our home to sell , her only sibling and her have no relationship , she lives with the latest loser boyfriend who has just been sent to prison , this is a smart girl with a university degree and then went back to study law but couldn’t finish because of her addiction. We have tried everything even tough love , nothing has worked so far we just get accused of not being supportive …it just goes on and on with no end in sight … Last resort open to us is cutting off all contact .
Adrienne R.June 24th, 2016 at 10:25 PM
How did this work out for you? My daughter is 23 and we have been going through this for 12 years. We are exhausted and almost done but don’t quite know what it means except to find safety for my partner and i. It means locking up our bags at night and locking up everything else too. Just want to know if your horror has ended?
LizetteAugust 28th, 2016 at 9:09 AM
I too have a 31 years old daughter that is a drug user. She has a 3 years old daughter that my husband and I are raising because of my ex son in law working hours. My daughter have been in detox, rehab and sober living many times. She refuses to do anything when she’s sober, she just sleeps most of the time.
She has now reached a new low when m6 exhusband over heard her talking about doing sexual favors on the phone. My exhusband provides her with a place to live and food. Last week she bang on my 90 year old mother door asking her for money.
Some of my family members think I should be doing more for her because I have walked away due to the fact that a year ago I had a terrible anxiety attack. She’s had many opportunities with us and her husband to get her life in order and she put my grandaughter in harms way by taking her with her to buy drugs. I think we ate doing what we are supposed to be doing by taking care of my grandaughter which is a big task for a 60 and 70 years old couple.
However, I still feel guilty that I have walked away from my daughter.
BevOctober 21st, 2018 at 3:42 PM
I have the same exact story. My only option is absolutely no contact.
Darren Haber MFTJuly 11th, 2014 at 8:23 AM
Hi Margaret…so sorry to hear about your trials with your daughter’s addiction. This is what we mean by family disease. Do you have any resources in your area to get some support? For instance al-anon meetings can be a very effective way of coping with the stress of a loved one’s addiction. You might even want to seek out counseling, either with a professional or even via a sliding-scale clinic at an institute or university, depending on where you live. Don’t do this alone, it’s impossible and helping yourself is the same as helping your daughter. You’d be amazed how many people go through this; it’s virtually a silent epidemic in our society. Thank you for writing. And I hope and pray for your daughter’s recovery.
nicolaJuly 25th, 2014 at 4:59 AM
I have a daughter who has been addicted to drugs for the past 6 years, she is 25 now. she put her self through rehab for 4 months and we supported her,she begged to come back home and said she will stay on the 12 step program. we soon realised that letting her back was a mistake as she quickly went back to her old habit’s of staying in bed all day, being miserable and moody. Hanging around with people on drugs. She said all the right things, manipulated us so much.
She has never hit rock bottom as I have always been there.
She is adamant she is not on drugs but then she always has been even when we find her with them.some day’s I can’t function properly ,and the nights are really bad as I can’t stop worrying about her.I have not found anyone I can talk to about this and feel all alone. Nicola
Darren HaberJuly 25th, 2014 at 8:56 AM
Hi Nicola. Thanks to you and others for your feedback. Sounds like a very painful ordeal you and your family are enduring. I highly suggest participating individual or family counseling, as well as al anon meetings at the least, for some support. Addiction is brutal and affects the whole family. Don’t do this alone; it’s practically impossible. I do hope you and your daughter find the help needed sooner rather than later.
christineJuly 29th, 2014 at 9:15 AM
@ Elsa Criger… OMG I cried my eyes out reading your post.I feel exactly the same way as you. My daughter is Asking for me to help her & begging me to talk to her & help her find treatment. She swares she doesn’t want to be like she is anymore. I don’t know where to start. Crisis care has a very long waiting list for any help. I too at times feel like it would be easier for me to not be here anymore & go through this pain, however I do have 3 other children & 11 grandkids & 1 Great Grandchild. I have custody of 3. I cant talk to anyone in the family because they Judge. I actually came across this website because I am searching on what I can do.
Christine H.July 29th, 2014 at 9:23 AM
My daughter is asking me to sit & talk to her, help her get into rehab & swares she doesn’t want to “feel like this anymore”. The only place I know of is Crisis Care & their is a 2 month waiting period & that’s for suboxin as well. She’s agreed to do what ever I ask IF I will Help her. She is 38 years old & has been using for 10 years But not all 10 have been heroin most has been methadone. Heroin as far as I know has been just the past few months especially after my son in law lost his Life to it. If anyone knows WHO I can contact in the Dayton Ohio area PLEASE let me know. I don’t think she has insurance but she may still have it. Thanks
Christine H.July 29th, 2014 at 9:46 AM
How do you know what type of therapist & or Counselor to look for ? For instance my daughter needs drug addiction, depression, mental etc.. HOW do I search for someone for all?? Dayton Ohio area. Thanks
The GoodTherapy.org TeamJuly 29th, 2014 at 10:02 AM
If you would like to consult with mental health professional, please feel free to return to our homepage, https://www.goodtherapy.org/, and enter your zip code into the search field to find therapists in your area. If you’re looking for a counselor that practices a specific type of therapy, or who deals with specific concerns, you can make an advanced search by clicking here: https://www.goodtherapy.org/advanced-search.html
Once you enter your information, you’ll be directed to a list of therapists and counselors who meet your criteria. From this list you can click to view our members’ full profiles and contact the therapists themselves for more information. You are also welcome to call us for assistance finding a therapist. We are in the office Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Pacific Time; our phone number is 888-563-2112 ext. 1.
KimJuly 26th, 2016 at 9:26 PM
All of this sounds so familiar. My 32 yr old daughter and 2 young children moved in with my husband and me year ago. This was to get on her feet. In that time she got arrested for possessing drugs and had 3 felonies. This was her first offense and we paid for an attorney. 3 yrs. probation and record would be expunged. She went to rehab one month each and back to the same old behavior. She’s able to pass drug test but I don’t think she’s clean. She moved out with the children and I was beside myself calling anyone that would listen. She knows the children are what she can hold over us. Her ex took her back to court and now has the kids. I am relieved that they are safe. She is living with someone who is just as erratic as she is. Has blaming me for loss of her kids. Calling my work and making up lies….my husband have backed away as she is very angry with all family. She needs to go away to a long term to be evaluated for drugs and mental help and no one not her probation officer, court order counselor is taking this before the judge.
DawnAugust 16th, 2014 at 3:25 PM
My daughter will be 23 tomorrow and she is a drug addict. She had been clean and 2 months. Away from getting her son back.The father has him.9 weeks ago she started using again. Her father and I are woried sick about her she says she is in the parc unit. I know for a fact she is not there. I Have night mares of finding her with a niddle in her arm . I guess my point Is I have been to meetings I stop giving her money and bailing her out of everything…..Now we dont no were she is What is worse not knowing or watching her do this to her self.Top things off the father is a jerk and wont let me see my grandson ……I want answers and there aren’t any.
michelleAugust 17th, 2014 at 5:42 PM
I totally understand what you are giong thru.my daughter is an addict.i wish i could not worry anymore.she addicted to meth uses needles.she has son 5yrs.age.she leaves .wont answer her phone,or respond to my txxs.i cant stand it.im terrified ima get call police found her dead.constantly sick at my stomach,alot sleepless nights.god plz help her
Cara MJune 29th, 2016 at 5:05 AM
Wow! Reading these comments is chilling. I’m living a nightmare with two young daughters, 22 and 25, and the hopelessness and pain are unbearable. My heart breaks daily that I’m powerless to help them. It’s their struggle but still mine. My husband doesn’t let it affect him like I do. He’s already pretty much given up on them. They have both lost their children to foster care and one to the other grandparents. I have been betrayed and manipulated and used. My marriage has suffered because I keep trying to help them. My husband gets mad if I cry and talk about them. We’ve read, watched addiction videos, and, been through our own addiction perils so we know and understand this disease. Now we watch as our 16 year old son is slipping into the substance black hole and we our starting to lose another one. I feel like I’m never going to wake up from this nightmare. GOD HELP ME!!!!!
LisaJuly 5th, 2016 at 7:48 AM
My 28yr. old Daughter is totally out of control, she is manipulative and mean, she treats me like crap. She is always cussing and trying to argue with me, if I say anything negative about the fact that she is using drugs, I think she is drinking too. The saddest part is she has my 2 and a half year old Grandaughter. I had to have her removed from my home because she pulled a knife on me and my boyfriend and threatened to stab us to death. I could go on and on, but it is just too painful. I don’t know what to do anymore, I am seriously thinking about having her involuntarily committed.
CaraApril 28th, 2017 at 5:06 AM
I wanted to update on this thread because of how important it is share some hope. I’m so grateful that my girls our clean today. The best thing I could do for myself was get a support group and take care of me. I prayed alot, read inspirational books with daily uplifting messages, kept telling my girls I love them, and got busy helping some other girls at a sober living house. Taking them to meetings and listening to their stories and giving them hugs helped fill that void. They have taught me alot. I can’t think of better medicine than knowing I made a difference in their lives. One of the young girls got very close to me and said she wouldn’t have made it this far had it not been for the talks I had with her. She became my little buddy and there’s no better feeling than hearing her gratitude. She gave me strength and hope for my own daughters and became friends with my younger daughter months later. Jail for 90 days and the vivitrol shot with 4 days a week counseling is gotten my youngest girl sober- she is getting visits every week with her 2 year old and by June should be getting her home. My oldest had a total mental breakdown from a combination of bad things and we went to her apartment and saw her mind was gone that night. That was so scary to see her totally out of touch with reality…her so called boyfriend didnt bother calling 911 so we did. I believe we saved her life that day. She spent weeks in the mental hospital and was given a diagnosis of schizophrenia and medication. Had we not brought her home she would be in a homeless shelter. Thank goodness the boyfriend is in jail and we cleared out her apartment. Unfortunately most of these sober living houses do not accept people who need meds so we are now in limbo on where she can go from here. I cant bring a 2 year old home until I find a place for my older daughter to go. My oldest told me she is struggling because she misses her kids and doesnt know how to put her life back together. I just give her encouragement that they(her kids) are fine and will at least get a chance to see her one day as long she continues to stay clean. The hard part is now she has to accept the ‘feelings’ good and bad while she goes forward. She does not deny that drugs brought her that comfort of numbing everything but I keep reminding her that the pain has to be enough that she wants to make the changes to get her where she wants to be in life. She is lucky to be alive. Her neighbors at her old apartment overdosed and left behind 3 small children. Its so sad. She gets a chance they will never have. I believe prayers have helped alot. I dont know whats to come but at least I have God and alot of people to help me through whatever happens, and my girls do too. May all of you find some sort of peace with what your going through. I am grateful today and I will pray as I do every day for all the sick and suffering still out there.
Cynthia RamirezAugust 17th, 2014 at 10:53 AM
Our daughter has been on every drug imaginable since she was 18, she’s now 25. We’ve done the rehabs, the therapy for her and us, she’s been in jail. ODd several times and has POS boyfriends who mooch off her and beat her . We get calls about her constantly and the last OD last week she almost died. I feel like my beautiful daughter died years ago and I’m left with a monster . I sat in the ER while they did CPR praying for God to take her now, to end the suffering. I don’t know what else to do for or with her . She doesn’t want help. She was high 30 min after discharge. I’m a nurse I know all about how addiction works and the treatments and the consequences . She is near end stage liver failure, has endocarditis and valve deterioration so we are going to lose her soon . I’ve just given up. I can’t do it any more. I had a major breakdown and dealing with chronic major depression. It sounds mean but my prayers are always for God to take her now before it’s worse. I’ve seen the horrific deaths of liver and kidney failure not to mention heart damage. I just feel sick.
ShaSeptember 27th, 2014 at 5:57 PM
I feel your pain and pray as u do for God to takemher so she has peace. Guilty for that yes..but no this is better then prison and hurt on the streets..
Cara MJune 29th, 2016 at 5:10 AM
Wow! I am sorry for your struggle with your daughter. It’s my story too. Only difference, I have two daughters 22 and 25 and both have put our family through the same things. I know you posted quite some time ago but I was moved by your story since I can relate. I pray every day that the answers come for all of us.
cherylAugust 17th, 2016 at 6:53 AM
My daughter is in hospital with endocartitis and liver issues. she leaves hospital for hours at a time to get drugs. security searches her room to dispose of them and she goes out for more. the hospital is excellent in offering help but she won’t take it. she admits to being scared and frustrated but shows no sign of quitting using. (fentanyl) Today, she has told me and others who care to leave her alone, doesn’t want to hear anymore of our ‘bs.’ i am not functioning at this point. i go to work when i am mentally able and sleep when i can. to make matters worse, she is in a hospital where she lives which is 90 minutes away so when she wants, or i want to see her, it is an expensive, exhausting commute. i am lucky to have a supportive husband who loves her too but i know he is coming to the end of his patience with this. i don’t know how to go on anymore.
AmyAugust 24th, 2016 at 5:49 PM
I am so very sorry for the heart felt pain pounded into your soul every day, every hour, every minute and every second…and it is your own loved one from your own body that is holding the invisible hammer. You can heal from the outside in by attending Al anon…just google it, put in your city and GO GO GO!! You will eventually find an escape route from the invisible hammer…it is only you that can make a change within yourself…not your addicted daughter. She has made her own choices…its time to make yours now. Al anon will slowly layer your being with strength and healing powers. You will feel strong again. It should not be your own life in jeopardy. Forgiving and then letting go is OK. It may be your saving grace.
MakenzieAugust 21st, 2014 at 12:27 PM
My daughter has abused Soma, Vicodin, Xanax and pot.
She quit the drugs ‘cold turkey’ in 2010 and came to stay with us at that time & wanted to go to rehab. We exhausted every avenue possible trying to find a place for her. Finally MHMR visited with her (they would not tell us anything that was said….HIPPA laws). We took her home, her telling us they were going to call her for rehab that day. She sat on the bed with bags packed for 5 days and no phone call. She went back to her house and when the MHMR called she told them she didn’t need rehab anymore. She has been in and out of jail, arrested again yesterday for DUI (Xanax) and let out of jail again last night. I have searched everywhere for help and it costs a fortune….we now live from paycheck to paycheck because of all we have been through with this. I just found out she is doctor-shopping and has been taking Xanax and Soma (Soma was filled Aug. 1 2014 and the bottle was empty by the 17th of August. Soma was filled on July 23 and was also empty by the 17th of August, plus she is smoking pot. My daughter is displaying extreme anger, confusion, irritability, paranoia, nervousness, forgetfulness, dilated pupils, forgets to eat, drinks nothing but soda pop and coffee and is constantly holding her stomach. I just found a place that can take her in that will cost from $15k to $45k for up to 90 days. We can’t afford that! Are there any alternatives for treatment that the government or state will cover? The laws need to be changed so that those suffering from drug addiction and mental illness can get the help they need.
MaureenAugust 28th, 2014 at 7:05 PM
Hi Mackenzie, I’m feeling your pain, it’s so hard with drug addicted children, I have two adults children who have children. I learnt through attending 12step program’s, That the truth of the matter is, that othere is nothing I or anyone can do to fix this problem, until they the drug abuser identifies that they have a problem and really want helps there is nothing anyone can do to help, and you can waste your hard earned money and put them through rehab and other places that try drug a users, but unless they really want this help, and don’t listen to all their lies, because they lie and manipulate everyone to get what they want. Anyway there is a lot of free help out there like NA, narcotics anonymous and AA which all run free support groups everywhere in the world. There is also Al-Anon for people like myself and you, where you are able to vent your concerns, it’s makes you feel real again without people judging you, as all the people that attend these groups are trying to cope with the same issues as you, on some level. The main thing I want to tell you is to take care you and your health, we are the most important person in our lives. Only then can you make sense of the whole mess. Remember some cares, and my heart goes out to every person suffering from alcohol and substance abuse.
Debbie. JonesAugust 30th, 2014 at 4:47 PM
Hello, I would suggest a faith-based program. Many are no cost and they often have a higher effective rate than others. Teen Challenge and Salvation Army are two organizations that offer residential treatment. There is also an excellent book for you that has helped me (on Amazon). Setting Boundaries with your Adult Children by Allison Bottke. There is also The Bridge Recovery Program in Pacific Grove, Ca. (Where I live). They often have a waiting list but it isn’t a long wait. Don’t forget: You didn’t cause it, you can’t control it, you can’t cure it and you don’t have to contribute to it. Praying for you, Debbie
Darren Haber MFTAugust 30th, 2014 at 8:22 PM
Hi again, I’m just so impressed with the honesty and openness on these comments, means a lot to me that people are reading and responding on such a painful but (sadly) relatively common occurrence. Thanks all of you for your input. I would agree you may have to try different approaches, or a few different meetings in al-anon if al-anon is one of those approaches. Nothing is one size fits all and sometimes it takes time to acclimate. If you do try a support group or 12-step program, give it a few tries before deciding. Many are a little put off at first, because it’s new and different, but it ends up making a very positive impact in the long run.
DebbieJuly 1st, 2015 at 7:20 PM
Dealing with drug addiction is a lonely road. So important to find people you can share with. Alanon is a great group.
So many .. So if you don’t like the first group you attended. Try another.. It has changed my life… I was not living my life before Alanon.. I was focused on my loved one’s addiction. Now after 4 years
I am enjoying my life! And still loving my
Loved one. I have learned ways to be around the addict.. And not get sucked under.. If I could do it anyone can!
allieSeptember 2nd, 2014 at 8:20 AM
My daughter is 30 and she just kicked out of rehab. She has lied, stolen, and begged us for money. She just called and asked me for cash to purchase someone else’s methodone. I said no. Im afraid she will do heroine again.im sick all the time about this. She cries she is in pain. I look at myself and wonder where did we go wrong with this girl of ours. I feel like a failure as a mother.
sherylSeptember 28th, 2014 at 4:47 PM
Allie you are not a failure and you did nothing wrong. Once you realize this you can begin your own recovery. Drug users are master manipulators and will bring you down at all costs. Stay strong my friend. I myself am dealing with the same thing. Stay strong. Praying for all families who are suffering thru this.
IsaSeptember 8th, 2014 at 5:51 PM
I have a 31 year old daughter that had everything going in her life. She had a good job, house and great kids…she started using drugs. I think it is meth she uses. This has been going on for 3 years. Her kids are with their dad. They come over every other weekend. I hurt everytime i see my kids. They miss their mom, they need their mom. I have tried everything…she picked up a charge or two she was has been in the county jail off/on. She is now running from the police.I lay at night thinking, how did this happen? I don’t understand…i’m angry, upset and wish that i could have my little girl back. She does not realize that time is running out, her kids are getting bigger and she is missing out on everything. i am afraid she will never get out of this mess…i pray she gets picked up by the police…just so i know she is ok and alive.
Darren HaberSeptember 9th, 2014 at 11:36 AM
Hi Isa. Gosh what an ordeal. How awful to see your child get mangled by addiction this way. But if she’s breathing there’s hope. I honestly believe that. I urge you to try getting some practical and emotional support via alanon meetings and counseling with a therapist who understands the impact of addiction on families. There may be some on this site. And you can find a local meeting via alanon.org. Let’s hope your daughter finds help soon. Thanks for writing.
MariSeptember 20th, 2014 at 9:56 PM
I have very similar circumstances except I watch my daughters four children. It’s very hard. I pray God gets us all through this nightmare.
DebbieJuly 1st, 2015 at 7:13 PM
My husband and I Are raising our grandsons.. All you can do is make your home peaceful . Let your daughter know you love her.. But as long as she is using she cannot come around.
So hard in so many ways… I go to a group called Alanon . And it has changed my life and made our lives so much better… Wether my daughter continues to use drugs or not. Try it!!!
PamJuly 24th, 2016 at 5:56 PM
I feel for anyone going thru all of this. We all have our own horror stories to tell. I can’t keep doing this, either. Fortunately, I have temporary guardianship of her child, since she is an admitted addict and is incarcerated. Unfortunately, my daughter’s ex boyfriend, who is the father, will have to battle it out with me in court. I hope not, he is a heroin user, himself. I’m afraid that since he is her biological father, he will win. I know I have enabled my daughter by being the ‘mother’ to her child all of her life. So, needless to say, I am torn between concentrating on trying to get help for my daughter and at the same time proving my case. Both Al-anon and Nar-anon meeting places are over 100 miles away. I’m joining a new church, maybe I can network with some other parents there. This is a rural community, and drugs are so prevalent here, and it has affected so many.
JohnJanuary 12th, 2017 at 9:31 PM
Wow… think I just read all 359 comments and have to say you all have confirmed my suspicions. My 30 year old daughter is definitely addicted. She has lost her two children, to two baby daddies, bankrupted herself with school loans that will never be paid, has had more cars repossessed than I have ever owned, has never kept a job for long, currently unemployable… been in jail for robbery and embezzlement and now on parole. She missed her last court date and is now considered a fugitive. All of this is due to other people who just don’t like her. I could go on but my story has already been written well by all of you. I am going through the same set of scenarios. I will not allow myself to feel bad. I just got an 11:30pm call to “come get me [45 minutes away]… or I will be sleeping outside tonight”. I hung up and turned the phone off. We had her in a place with my dad (who has an extra space). She apparently didn’t like the accommodations and rules and after 15 minutes she disappeared and after three days, the phone call 30 minutes ago was the first time I’ve heard from her.
I have been trying to figure out how to find her “free” help as no one in the family has any more $$$ to offer up. Nor will I allow them to offer any. After reading all this, it sounds as though it is futile. I have to continue to wait to hear the words “I don’t want to live like this anymore.” That is when the real work to recovery can begin. I too fear that my daughter is dying a horrible death and all we can do is watch.
Good luck to everyone of you who are struggling. It’s not our fault or problem… but it is our societal challenge to somehow bring this madness to a close.
KimJanuary 13th, 2017 at 7:57 AM
It sounds like she is close to being at the bottom. I would check and see if there is a long term rehab in your area. I would suggest one that is all female and one that works on 12 steps and behavioral modification. This has helped my daughter. The one my daughter is in is a non-profit and does not cost. They work with the individual for enrollment in programs that can help pay.
When she comes to you and ask for help, I would work with a long term place for her to go and let her know she now needs to help herself.
JamieJanuary 13th, 2017 at 10:46 AM
I wrote an earlier post somewhere and oh how things have and can change. Our daughter is 26 and as I write this she is currently in jail finally after breaking her probation. Our daughter is a follower and for the past couple years has turned to drugs. Going down the wrong path and hanging with her new friends has led to legal problems. She started using spice k2 and meth. We recently saw her for the first time in court last week after not seeing or talking to her for 4 months. Now that we know she’s safe for now the phone calls have started from jail. This is new to my husband and I as she is our oldest. She has put our family thru so much physically and mentally and I’m scared now financially. Now she is apologizing even tho 2 days ago she told her grandma on the phone she hated us and wanted nothing to do with ever again. ( guess because we told grandma to stop sending money) . We love her so much but don’t want to manipulated anymore. I was weak this morning and added money so she could call me so I could talk to her longer. Since last night she has called 5 times I can’t keep doing this, it will drain us and we other children and a granddaughter to take care of. My husband is a paramedic and we have tried everything for her including rehab and she was never ready. She still is in denial. All she tells me now is she will go anywhere just to get out. She doesn’t need to be out if you ask us. She doesn’t want help she wants drugs. I don’t want to bury her yet. We can’t force her.
JKJuly 6th, 2017 at 9:36 AM
Kim and Jamie (and anyone else)… I appreciate the comments and hope you both are finding things a little better. Since my last post in January 2017 (now July 2017) there have been some changes but the jury is still out. My daughter seemed to sober up while in the county jail for a few months and of course hated it (go figure). She got VERY lucky and was accepted in to a program that has received a LOT of praise at the Virginia state and Federal levels – Friends of Guest House- in Alexandria, VA. They have a great program that works with women only that helps them to transition back in to society following non-violent incarceration and drug addiction. They offer a place to live with other women that are going through the same thing. They support each other and follow very strict rules. They help with legal issues, finding work… and ensure they follow all required protocols of their probation. She appears to be doing quite well and seems to be quite motivated. Time will tell. I’m so impressed with the Friends of Guest House (FGH) that I am making as much in donations as I possibly can. The work they do is phenomenal and have a 90% success rate. It’s not easy to get in to because of the high numbers of addicts trying to apply but they seem to have a method for selecting the one’s that appear to really want to help themselves out of the predicament.
Anyways, all that said, I’ve still seen communication between my daughter and “friends” and I’m still very skeptical. She’s been in the program for nearly 2 months now (it’s a year long thing). I can tell you that I’ve made it perfectly clear that we are not an option for her livelihood from this point forward.
In the meantime, this life altering event has certainly changed my perspective on the big picture issue of opioids in the US. I want to do something to help… I just don’t yet know how. After meeting these girls/ladies/women going through the program, supporting the program and working with each individual, they’ve opened my eyes and introduced some level of compassion. It doesn’t mean they all can be saved but there has got to be a way to put these girls on the right path.
Fingers crossed that each of you (including myself) can help our stricken family members and friends get out of this horrible rut.
ShellySeptember 16th, 2014 at 5:20 PM
my daughter is 19 and has been struggling with meth for the last year straight! I literally can’t sleep worrying About her yet she could careless! my husband her dad is convinced that she needs to be kicked out! how do I send her to the people who give her this crap for free??? I can’t do it! but my husband has informed me that he doesn’t want to hear about her and the druggie friends! so I will have nobody to talk to I’m so ashamed she needs rehab but won’t go does anyone know of any other options? wish I had the answer or that I could wave my magic wand and make it all go away!!! sure would love to have my daughter back :(
DebbieJuly 1st, 2015 at 7:05 PM
Shelly, I have felt and had this same
Conversation. This is how addicts go on for so long.. My daughter has struggled with addiction for 19 years. All I did by letting her stay at home was give her a
Place to come and not face her addiction. I made it easy for her. I wish I had the courage to let my self let her go at that young age. The fact of it is ..your daughter is still going around the people that you are afraid she will live with. And because I’ve been there.. I bet sometimes she doesn’t come home.. I have started going to Alanon group that is saving my sanity. You cannot save your daughter. You are not keeping her away from bad people. That’s where she gets her drugs.. It took me too long to realize this and I know the pain. Today .. Finally ! I surrender to the fact that I have to get out of the way… As painful as that is for me. And pray that someone crosses her path thatshe will listen to. That she will hit her bottom..
I was afraid her bottom was death and it may be. But trust me…. I haven’t helped her at all..
joyceJuly 23rd, 2016 at 5:55 AM
Your situation seems close to mine and I am so frustrated and lost. I have had custody of my granddaughter now for over 3 years, my son is currently in jail again for probation violation of using. This time he may get some serious time, not help. Sad as he had a doctorate degree and all is lost. His wife is also a long time user and an alcoholic. They do “better” and then fall, he had a decent job now for two years and lost it due to this newest arrest. My struggle is when is enough enough for my precious granddaughter who is seven? I can hardly think of her not getting to spend “some time” with her parents, but this last visit is when they used at my house, I had a gut feeling things were “off” (his wife told me and said sorry we disrespected you and your home) How and when do you walk away? My husband wants to move out of state just to get us away from the situation! We have cut off all monetary help, but I still think we are missing something. Thanks for listening.
helplessSeptember 21st, 2014 at 8:01 AM
I pray for you all. I can’t imagine the pain and suffering you endure as you fight in this war that has been thrust upon you. My boyfriend is in the same situation with his 21 year old daughter. It is destroying their lives. The stealing has plunged them into poverty. I want to help but feel helpless and its killing me (and our relationship) to watch. I have researched and offered suggestions and resources. Tried to put then when in touch with others that have gone through it (unfortunately I know other families that have been there). I try hard not to judge but feel he is enabling. He says he is trying everything he can yet he won’t go to counselling and things are getting much worse. I am starting to lose respect for him and hate her. Anxiety is beginning to take its tole..to the point where I avoid going to their house. What advise can you give to others to best help you? What have your friends and family done that has helped? How do I protect myself in the process?
helplessOctober 23rd, 2014 at 6:26 PM
I am replying to my own post. I am disappointed that nobody has responded. I guess everyone here needs to vent…and that is fine! Was hoping for advise.
Darren HaberOctober 24th, 2014 at 9:55 AM
Hi Helpless. Please see my response to Isa on September 8, and see if that helps at all. Thanks for posting.
LiviaNovember 1st, 2016 at 8:30 AM
I’m not sure if this will help you or not but I’d like to tell you my story. I was madly in love with a nice man and we were going to get married this past summer. He has a 34 year drug addict daughter who has been a stripper, hooker, porn star and lost her first child due to abuse of him. He gave her everything in his house when he moved in with me with the understanding that if she needed money she could sell his stuff. The deal was to NEVER ask for money again. Ha! That lasted about 10 minutes. I started looking at his phone and she was blowing it up daily begging and hounding him for money. I could see right then that it was never going to stop. He was never going to have the backbone he needed to walk away from the crazy. When I tried to talk to him about it, he shut down and became defensive. I told him, ‘this is the path she has chosen to go down, don’t let her choose the same path for you.’ After awhile I saw that nothing would ever change and I left the relationship. That seemed the only viable option for me. I’m sure that I’m not the first relationship she has blown up for him, nor will I be the last.
tatteredApril 3rd, 2015 at 6:22 PM
Hi, I believe most of us that have a child addicted to drugs, are trying to find solutions. As for myself, I have a 22 year old son that has been doing drugs for 8 years. As all of you have experienced the agony of being powerless over the devil (drugs), it is a battle we can’t win for our children. I have been an enabler, primarily out of guilt. I am a recovered alcoholic, it’s odd that his journey into addiction started when mine ended. I too had quit a great job, went to jail, and behaved in ways I thought I may have been possessed. My husband was a wonderful enabler, as well as my family and children too. I never was homeless, hungry, and I managed to put a successful housecleaning business together while being an active drunk. My husband was also a drunk that made great money and provided well for our family.I finally woke up to the fact that I was on the brink of bad bad things were headed my way if I didn’t get sober. This thought was reinforced by my best friend since high school. She asked me what I was drinking while I was talking to her. It was 8 am, and I was drinking my 4th beer, crying to her about my bank account being overdrawn by $1400. I wanted to tell her coffee, but I told her the truth. She asked me if being an alcoholic was causing all my problems. I was angry, and said goodbye to her. While sitting there contemplating what she had said, I felt God tell me that the money I was overdrawn in the bank, was a DUI fine, and if I wanted a real DUI, keep drinking. There was my moment of clarity and a spiritual experience sufficient enough to bring about a psychic change. The next day I drank 3 beers left the others for my husband, and the next day (Sunday) I did not drink. That was May 19, 2007. My point of the story is simple, I was ready to listen, and willing to be honest with myself that my addiction was going to destroy everything. The willingness and honesty made me open up enough to the idea I needed help. Sadly, my son who is an addict, does not want sobriety. His life is anything but living, but a slow suicide. Having over come what I did, and how I got to that point, should have been remembered. I am allowing him his dignity to make poor choices for himself. He knows it is certain death. He knows about recovery. His choice is to refuse help and continue. I had a spiritual experience and a moment of clarity. I need to back away, get quiet so he can hear God. I am not God.
LorieSeptember 21st, 2014 at 3:27 PM
Help, I’m over everything, my oldest is a druggie, she has bankrupt us, stole everything of value to me. She’s been arested, in n out of jail, been in rehab,lost her 3 kids, n has torn my husband/her stepdaughter apart. She is staying with us n steels all are medicine. We lock hide it, it don’t matter, now her boyfriend moved in without our permission, she lied about everything, won’t do anything she says,I’m over it,brings her boyfriends kids over to stay n never axks us for nothing, boyfriend just got a job, so I said they have to pay 100.bucks a week n she gets good stamps but only pays us last if at all, lies about her foodstamps,I want her out of my house,but she won’t leave, n says I have to evict her, I’m 52 n I’m ready for my time, I’ve raised my kids n helped with hers, I’m done
darla p.September 22nd, 2014 at 1:07 PM
Unlike alot of you all I just found the proof my 32 yr old is on drugs. This friday after she was taking a very very long shower I was almost 100% sure she was doing drugs but had no proof until this past friday. After her shower I went into her room and in a little black makeup bag in a gray soft bag I picked it up and there was a pipe in it not a weed pipe but a pipe that is used for something else and then a baggie fell out! So if she isnt using why did she take it into the shower and why does she evenhave the pipe? Like most of yall what so I do now where so I turn now. She has our 2 grand kids. I have never been so at a loss like I am in a different world. Like this all isnt real.
D.b.D.December 4th, 2014 at 4:30 AM
While I am not a professional, I do have quite a bit of experience in this area and some advice I would give you is first to really educate yourself about the nature of addiction and if you can prevent it, try really hard to stay away from living in denial because it is just not going to help you or her in anyway. I would find an addiction therapist or someone similar and get advice about how best to help her and then work from there. When in doubt I always refer to a mental health professional for advice so that I know I am handling things to the best of my ability and can never look back and say if only I had not tried to wing it, maybe…. All you can do is your best, and if you’re following advice from experienced professionals and trying to be loving yet not enabling or promoting her lifestyle that’s all you can do. Just remember that no one can force an addict to get help but the addict. Not love for children or family, not the threat of homelessness or the possibility of prostitution, nothing can heal an addict but his or her own steel will and determination to get better. That said, one does not have to be willing to except help to be inspired to enter treatment and still eventually come around to accepting the help on their own so you don’t have to wait around until they have a lightbulb moment. Laws withstanding! Keep a level head and good luck.
PamSeptember 23rd, 2014 at 9:35 PM
Our daughter is 24 and been using drugs for past 7 years. Started with drinking and pot in high school and moved on to Oxycontin and now for the past 2 years Heroin. We have sent her to rehab twice – both times her asking to go but both times she came back home and went back to the same losers she hung out with before. We sent her out of state to a halfway house to get her awaay from all the druggies she knew here and within 3 days one of the losers had driven 8 hours and brought her drugs and she was arrested with them. We made her stay in jail for a week before bonding her out and made her use a public defender. Told her it was her consequences to deal with. The halfway house let her come back after her week in jail and all was fine for 3 months and then we got a call in the middle of the night from hospital that she had OD’d. She survived and went to counseling for a couple of months and then was right back with the same crowd and using again. I feel like we are drowning and can’t find anyway out. It is so stressful and embarassing having her live with us because when she is clean we see glimpses of the daughter we love so much but then she goes on a binge and we see a monster- she is so verbally abusive and out of control. In the past she has stolen from us so many times – thousands on our credit cards and forged so many checked and then started stealing our tv’s, power tools, anything she could pawn. Life is just miserable having her with us and yet it is so stressful when she disappears for days at a time because I can’t sleep – just feel like any minute the phone will ring and this time she will be dead. Our other 3 children have cut ties with her completely. They had to live through too much stress and chaos because of her and want no part of it anymore. They ignore her when they come visit and it breaks my heart for them all. I feel like I am constantly either so angry at her for constantly lying and manipulating us or so sad and worried that I can’t stop crying. It feels so hopeless – like she will never be the daughter we knew or live the life she was meant to. I have completely isolated myself from friends and family because I am so embarassed and ashamed. It literally feels like her addiction is killing me and destroying my family and I have no control over it and can’t make it any better.
ScottOctober 14th, 2014 at 5:07 PM
Have a 28 year old stepdaughter doing the same. Your story sounds so similar its scary. Its like a bad dream that goes on and on. Just wanted you to know your family is not alone.
PamJuly 24th, 2016 at 6:56 PM
Your situation is almost a mirror image to mine. My daughter is 36 and I have a picture of her on my wall, her eyes are clear, dressed nicely, clear skinned, smiling so sweetly and has a little weight on her bones. That is my daughter, and I want her back. Not the manipulating, verbally abusive (not only to me but her 4 yo child), paranoid, depressed, manic daughter. In the last 4 months she has stolen a debit card, forged checks, lifted credit card, and has opened credit cards using my ss#. I just found that out when pulling my credit report. When I see her on visiting day at the jail she tells me that if she can’t come home she will be homeless and it will force her to keep on using. She uses the victim card all the time, with me, other family members and drug dealers so they will ‘front’ her. I looked thru her phone when she was arrested, and all of her texts were about where she can obtain drugs and prices. I am at a loss. I love her so much and want to help, but I can’t take looking her in the eye when she is crying to come home. Maybe getting her child back will give her the motivation to get clean and sober. I don’t know. She kicked heroin ‘cold turkey’ while she was in prison the last time but went right back to it. I live with my mother to take care of her, and I have all this drama to top it off. My mom had to swear a TRO due to Elder Abuse from her. She has sunk to such a new low. But she doesn’t see that. I know when a child is addicted, they need love more than ever, but I can’t bring her back here. I’m trying to protect her daughter from this. The courts are on my side against her having custody. The father of the child is another can of worms.
BrianOctober 1st, 2014 at 5:19 AM
I am an addict. I need help, but reading how terrible it is for you people, I am to afraid to ask for help from my family. I have lied, but, I have not robbed my family, or anyone else for my habit. So I don’t think I am like your kids. What I am going to say now, is not for you parents out there whos children have robbed them and destroyed their familys……This is for the rest, for the mother who found the pipe…… I understand that it is distressing….but do you really believe that helps? It does the exact opposite, I know I have a problem, but I can’t ask for help from my family…..because when I do, I “distress” them, its a vicious cycle. I hurt myself with drugs, and I can’t tell anyone….because if I do, I will hurt them…….. I am sorry that you feel bad, parents…. being an addict sucks too….trust me
GoodTherapyAdminOctober 1st, 2014 at 9:52 AM
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D.b.D.December 4th, 2014 at 4:21 AM
Yes it is very unhelpful to turn to loved ones for help and have them respond with distress and worry- that just burdens you even more. If someone asks you for help I think the best thing you can do is respond calmly and nonjudgmentaly and with total support and positive attitude and just get down to business and take care of them and get them into treatment with love and support and care but with a firm hand as well. If your loved one comes to you for help he or she already knows that you are burdened and hurt and that is not the time to express that feeling to the addict. I wish you could ask for help. I had my own issue once that was not really an addiction but regardless when I went to my parents for help they responded in distress and it was very upsetting but if you need help you need help so i say suck it up and do it for yourself. Try to understand that they can’t help feeling worried or upset either so all any of us can do is to keep walking forward and do all the right things that will lead you out to the other side to where none of this is going to touch you anymore. Good luck. Sincerely.
alexOctober 1st, 2014 at 10:26 PM
My son is 26 yrs and addicted to …..
I love him very much and i did everything i could do for him, i have a bad feeling about the whole things.
I do not want to be in this world anymore to see this situation.
sorry to say these things but …
GoodTherapyAdminOctober 2nd, 2014 at 9:53 AM
Thank you for your comment, Alex. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html
The GoodTherapy.org Team
LisaNovember 18th, 2014 at 11:52 PM
I Sit here at 3 am in The morning worried sick.. My Daughter 21 is Using meth.. Shooting it up.. She is currently being Looked for by the police.. Cause she skipped out on parole among other things.. When Is It Time As A Parent To Make that call that may give them help or be worse when they get out of Jail.. I am at the end.. This Is Too Stress full for just me. her dad died year ago
I AM SICK OF HER KILLING HERSELF..not only its destroying me with worry everything Imaginable. Please Help Me make that call.
Zee ZeeOctober 10th, 2014 at 10:29 AM
I am so happy to have found this site. Our 16 year old son is an addict and last January we had him removed from our home. We love him very much, but I’ve had enough Al-Anon to know that we can’t fix this. We have a younger son who is important too, and we can’t have a negative role model in the house hurting him and hurting us. We pray for our son every day. We will always love him. I will keep you all in my prayers, too. Find an Al-Anon meeting. It will save you.
EllyOctober 11th, 2014 at 5:24 PM
My heart breaks for you as it does for me. We have a 40 y.o. Son who is hopelessly addicted. This year he came to us at the beginning of the year, homeless, thin, broke and greatly distressed and said he wanted to turn his life around. We set up accommodation for him, went to court to make sure he didn’t lose his children, helped him enormously and now discover he’s been lying all along and using all the time. This has been a continual pattern of his but this time I really thought it would be different, but it’s not. I’ve been to hours and hours of counseling over the years and believe there’s nothing I can do to help him. I won’t give him money and I won’t buy him food because he uses his money to buy drugs. He can get food from the welfare agencies as he does regularly. He had a lovely partner and was starting to make a life for himself with her and that all blew apart because of his lying and her distrust of him. Now he’s using that as an excuse for this latest blowout where he’s stolen and hocked some valuable pieces of equipment from his brother. He’s lost his accommodation and will be homeless again unless he hooks up with his criminal cronies and risked going back to jail. I can’t allow myself to get caught up in the emotion of his circumstances because then I drift back to years gone by and wish I could turn the clock back and change things. With the benefit of hindsight, I would change things but I did the best I could with the knowledge I had back then and if I allow myself to wallow in pain and suffering, I’m losing my life too. If he wanted to, he could access lots of help from lots of different professional agencies but he doesn’t want to. He wants to be allowed to do what he wants and wants society, his family, his children to accept him without question. And if that means destroying lives, he refuses to see that because the addict only sees his own needs. I do feel sorry for him, but I also see how selfish he is. And I get angry when his actions hurt my loved ones. If he was an addict who minded his own business, who got on with living and not doing harm to others, I could accept that. But when his behavior harms his family and particularly his children, I refuse to accept that. Unfortunately, it’s a situation that just is and I can’t stop him self destructing. But I can stop his actions harming his children and I can stop his actions destroying my life.
Darren HaberOctober 12th, 2014 at 8:40 AM
Thanks Elly for your heartbreaking but courageous post. I know I’m not alone in relating to your story. Addiction is a merciless scourge that destroys hearts and lives. But I’m glad you were able to find help for yourself and a little forgiveness for the things you cannot change.
DeniseOctober 15th, 2014 at 12:14 PM
My 19 year old daughter is an addict. She started smoking pot at 16, then doing ecstasy, oxi, vicodin, molly and heroine. I was so distraught and felt completely helpless as a parent. I have researched addiction and it scares me to death. I worry that I will someday bury my daughter. My daughter willingly agreed to go to outpatient however, she has already relapsed twice. My heart aches because I blame myself and question where did I go wrong. I start alonon this week. I pray for all the children and adults who are addicts.
GailOctober 16th, 2014 at 3:20 AM
Our 28-year- daughter is a drug addict. We have been allowing her to live with us because we have legal guardianship of her 4-year-old daughter. Our daughter’s behavior has become so extreme that we no longer feel safe with her in the house.
How do we explain to our granddaughter that she will be staying with us but her mother can’t live with us anymore?
SandyOctober 18th, 2014 at 11:00 PM
I just came upon this site by googling “My daughter steals from me for drugs”. I cant believe how many stories from you all, that sound exactly like mine. My 23 yr old daughter, who is a beautiful, kind, smart, fun loving person at her core, is also a theif, liar, and a master at deceit, because of her herion addiction. It started 8yrs ago with pills that she smoked, then it became too expensive, and she switched to H. We have done everythings within our means to get help for her, sent her to about a dozen rehabs, most of which she signed herself out of before completing the program, Shes had theripists,suboxon, anxiety meds, sleeping meds,and she stays sober no more than a couple weeks after. We are drained financially, and mentally. We have decided to file the Marchment Act against her because she just stole my credit card AGAIN, for the 5th or 6th time, and put over 2000. on it,by trading purchases for drugs. I dont want her to have to go to jail, but she just cant stay here anymore, I think something about being here in her comfort zone, keeps her thinking there are no consequencs for her actions. Is there anyone out there that think I am doing the wrong thing? Im hoping the court, will force her to go somewhere for an extended time, so she can learn how to function in the world without the drugs. It is a HORRIBLE desease!
PamJuly 24th, 2016 at 7:22 PM
The problem we ran into, was that since she is adult she refused to go to rehab (she still hasn’t hit bottom). She said that she would go to detox, instead. The detox center here only keeps you for 3 days and releases you with a script for suboxene. That was traded and sold very shortly after returning home. A few weeks later we got her into to counseling only to be kicked out of their program, since they do a drug testing on a regular basis and she tested dirty. She decided to go back into detox, and while she was there, I found even more needles. Her counselor told her that he wouldn’t accept her back into the program if she returned for a third time. That round of Suboxene went faster than the first. I am just fed up. I have to protect my mother from all the abusiveness, and protect my daughter’s child from her. She is a manic stranger to me. I can’t have her back home, but I’m afraid she will tell the courts to give her ex custody, even tho he uses, just to spite me. I’m walking a tightrope with no net.
BROKENOctober 28th, 2014 at 3:28 AM
I just found this website, and although it breaks my heart to read of so many other parents dealing with this, it also calms my heart to know that I’m not alone, and that maybe it really isn’t my fault. I have a 27 yr old daughter who has been addicted to heroin for 5 years now. Through my own inability to say NO to her, my husband (innocent victim) and I have lost our business, our home, our sanity, our health, and our current financial situation is not improving because I STILL can’t say no. I know I am enabling her, but she is so convincing that I believe her most days…that she is clean and just has the worst luck on the face of the earth. But I’m not a stupid person, even though I know I must sound like one. After I finally give in after her HOUNDING me for money for her emergency situation, I feel relief. She goes away and I don’t have to deal with the phone calls and texts for a little while. There are empty promises that she has money coming to her from a boyfriend, or a job, and she’ll pay me back.But of course that never happens. I know I sound like an idiot, but how can I stop falling for her lies? Do I need to change my phone numbers and disown her? I cry every time I am alone. My husband was diagnosed with MS and he suffers daily with pain, so I don’t involve him in my stress, but I know I’m hurting him by not fixing our financial situation. I have borrowed from friends so they’re not really around anymore. My other children won’t talk to her because of the lifestyle she chose, and are busy with their own busy lives so I feel all alone. I just have a problem turning my back on her, knowing she will be cold and hungry and crying on the streets. I am 58 and working myself to death to try and fix our situation, instead of the life we had planned on. But I wind up working for her instead…and she just doesn’t care how much she is hurting us. I have a real problem with this, and I know everyone says that is enabling…but how do I stop??? That is my addiction.
JillNovember 23rd, 2014 at 7:10 PM
I understand everything you are saying. You are addicted to helping her, the guilt you are living with is too much for you and so you help her because this helps you feel better about it even though you know it’s not the right thing to do. It’s very complicated and anyone who has a daughter who is addicted to drugs can relate. I’m there with you. You are not alone. I understand you and know how you are feeling. You cannot help your daughter by doing this and you know this is in your heart. You are just fixing her money to buy more drugs.
You are not ready to quit fixing her money because you haven’t hit rock bottom yet with this. You are 58 years old and don’t have a lot of years left to work. You need to worry about your husband and yourself financially. You will have nothing and your daughter will use all your money and she’s not going to be helping you. Yes block her phone so she can’t call you. Do what it takes. Go to a Alanon meeting so you can find ways to handle this.
I wish you both good luck.
kimFebruary 26th, 2015 at 8:39 PM
You are not alone. I’ve been enabling my 29 year old son for 12 years. Today I said I’m done. It hurt do bad to pack all his stuff put it outside and not let him inside. It was necessary. I have tried to feed love house and care for him. Yet for the 4th time in several days it’s all my fault you’re a f ing b a gd whore. Enough is enough. I had to accept the fact it is the drugs and not my precious son. Although he is responsible. Every time I let him in our relationship becomes more volitile. I deserve some peace. By giving them a refuge we are saying its ok you can do all the drugs you want and still come home. Its not okay. It is also NOT easy. And it’s not our fault. None of us are perfect but when you give and give and only get disrespected it is time for a change. God is the option and the only one we have. Many prayers to you and yours.
TCNovember 17th, 2014 at 9:37 AM
Hello I am a 44 yr old addict in recovery which started about 10 years ago from an accident I was in. I was prescribed painkillers then it went from there. I have been clean now almost 3 years, After putting my kids through hell. Never in 1 million years what I think my kids would ever go to that route, but unfortunately my oldest daughter who has seen me at my worst, and said I’ll never be like my mom, well needless to say she met up with a Man (Who has a three-year-old son, in which he does not see) who is a heroin addict that she tried to help I am at my wits end because now she is using and has overdosed while in his presence. After trying to get her help (in which she denied, because she doesn’t have a problem) (so she says) she ends up pregnant and still using drugs unfortunately I can’t get help from anybody as far as the police goes (I tried) I have numerous text messages from her phone (which I have now) where her boyfriend is selling his prescription (Subs) to buy dope but when I call the doctor to let him know he still gives him a prescription. WTF? What do I do? When it seems like no one will help me.
PamJuly 24th, 2016 at 7:44 PM
The reason they won’t help is because its not illegal to be a drug addict, Just illegal to be caught in their posession. The Suboxene, also, isn’t considered a controlled-substance, so doctors still provide scripts. When an addict is found to have them, its not grounds to arrest. In fact, ‘points’ or needles can be bought here by the box with no prescription needed. Its just like when my drug addicted daughter ran away from home the first time, she was 17 then. The law says that a child is considered an adult in cases of runaways when they are 17, so they don’t search. The law says that kids are even allowed to quit school at 16, for God’s sake! The law enable these kids legally. Its no wonder they wind up on the streets.
MHNovember 19th, 2014 at 8:04 AM
I am encouraged that I am not alone. I hurt so deeply and this burden is with me day and night. I know Al-anon well. I know I must let go, yet it has taken 10 years to do so. Even after you let go, the pain stays. Letting go does give you financial relief, it does leave time to focus on your other family members and relationships, but waiting for the next shoe to drop is always in the back of your mind.
I have watched my 35 year old daughter change from a beautiful talented, caring teacher into a beligerent, hateful, disheveled, selfish, and unbelievably irresponsible woman who dresses like trash. She has pawned and hocked what few things of value she could find, and has stolen presciption meds, and bankrupted me. I have allowed this to go on, and I look back wanted to kick myself for ever helping her. Getting her out of jail and back into the work world did nothing but give her just enough money to keep her drugs going. When her car breaks down, or my granddaughter is sick, of course she has no funds.
In Texas, a mother can be a drug addict, it can be proven beyond a shadow of a doubt, and she still is in no danger of losing custody of her child unless neglect can be proven. Not just unfit living quarters, or no health insurance, but the child must miss school, or have belt marks, or something. Even though my daughter has wrecked the car seven times in the last 12 months, she is not considered an unfit mother or endangering her child. Even if arrested, unless she is incarcerated, I cannot get even temporary custody. As the lawyer told me “a drug addict can still be a good parent”. Really?
I keep waiting for her to hit bottom. Where is the bottom? Will she be homeless? My husband, her stepfather will not allow her to ever stay with us. She is destructive and hateful, stays out all night, and messes up the house leaving a trail of mess behind her that takes us days to clean up.
It will be the hardest thing ever to say no to her when she calls me from the streets. How will I say no, you can’t come here to sleep. You can bring the child, but you cannot stay. I know I will never see my granddaughter again if I do that.
As the rest of you, I wonder.. where did I go wrong? Maybe we loved her too much. Maybe I should have raised her like a drill sargent and given her nothing. Maybe if we hadn’t gone to church she wouldn’t have spitefully become an atheist. Mother guilt is so hard.
Even though I live in a metropolis, I feel alone as a parent. Every drug program or 12 step program is filled with young adults on probation, and parents like myself are nowhere to be found.
I lost my best friend when I lost her to drugs 10 years ago. Cocaine, chrystal meth, gigantic doses of xanax for years, 15 Vicodin a day some years, always on something.
The tragedy of my life. I feel isolated and a failure at life, questioning my own sanity.
The GoodTherapy.org TeamNovember 19th, 2014 at 10:38 AM
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JillNovember 23rd, 2014 at 7:01 PM
I just read your story. I have a very similar experience. I have an exceptionally beautiful 35 year old daughter who is our oldest child and a drug addict. She has been into pills, methadone and alcohol. Today, we finally kicked her out of our lives. After all the numerous times we’ve helped her she is just back to doing drugs. She’s been through rehab. Jail numerous times, has been married and divorced and can’t hold a job longer than a couple months. When sober she is the sweetest most caring girl. When drugged out she is mean, out of control, and a horrible person to be around. Yes everything is a mess when she is around including her nightmare life. I have been married for 37 years and she is destroying our lives including my marriage. Her younger siblings want nothing to do with her and have written her off. She has a warrant and is driving with a suspended license we in s drug charge tonight. She got kicked out of her rehab facility for doping drugs. She grew up in an upper middle class home and was given a good life. We both volunteered at the school and lived and cared about her. Neither one of us have ever been in trouble a day in our lives. We don’t know where we went wrong. Yes we bailed her outbid jail, out her in rehab, had her visit doctors, and tried to get her help more times then I can count. Your letter hit home with me because I can relate. Thank god she doesn’t have kids. They would of been the ultimate. Tonight I pray and cry that she doesn’t kill herself Or anyone else while driving or a drug overdose. I hope she finds enough strength to overcome this. We both feel so much guilt and stress even though we can’t control the situation.
November 24th, 2014 at
Thank you for your comment. If you would like to consult with a mental health professional, please feel free to return to our homepage, https://www.goodtherapy.org/, and enter your zip code into the search field to find therapists in your area. If you’re looking for a counselor that practices a specific type of therapy, or who deals with specific concerns, you can make an advanced search by clicking here: https://www.goodtherapy.org/advanced-search.html
The GoodTherapy.org Team
Susan WAugust 23rd, 2016 at 2:19 PM
I am in a similar position and it has struck me reading all these entries that the ages of these adult children are remarkably similar. Could there have been some external event or some prevailing method of midwifery or something around the time these children were born that has predisposed them to addiction? Sounds crazy, but they all seem to be within an age bracket when you look at the dates of the posts and the ages mentioned. Just a thought. Clutching at straws…
D.b.D.December 4th, 2014 at 4:00 AM
I hear the things all of you are saying and I understand the feelings everyone feels. I was a very strong, independent, respected and hard-working woman known for my integrity, my honesty and sensitivity to others. I overcame a lot in my life and went on to live very happily and comfortably in my skin as an adult until addiction took over. Now I am a shadow of myself. I am alone and unclean and can barely wake up in the morning and I have lost all friends and family as well as my reputation. I would do anything to have the ability to go to rehab and knock this thing out for good but you see my sister is the addict and my parents as well as everyone in her life does the opposite of what you all describe. When she had children and I witnessed her endanger them by using drugs I refused to allow it to go on like nothing was happening and instead of doing what was right, my family and friends surrounded her with protection and comfort and I am the one who has been exiled and abandoned. I am lost and scared and I’m sick too on disability at a young age which is absolutely devastating to me and I just don’t have the energy to get myself out of this mess. I can’t reason with anyone and after eight years of doing things their way my sister has escalated from pills to heroin and calling child services to them was the equivalent of my murdering someone and was the nail in my coffin. I never knew just how totally somebody else’s addiction could destroy my life and that id be absolutely helpless to stop it. I don’t know what else to say. I feel I’m waiting just to die which could be 50 or 60 miserable years away while I live each day wishing they would be a home invasion and someone would shoot me or I don’t know what. I’m not suicidal but I do wonder how much longer I can take this and I have called the hotline and they were very rude. In fact I have been turned away by multiple mental health professionals all whom my parents managed to convince I was not worth the effort or the acknowledgement.
December 4th, 2014 at
Thank you for your comment, D.b.D. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html
The GoodTherapy.org Team
D.b.D.January 17th, 2015 at 1:33 AM
I appreciate your offer of resources however like I said I’m not suicidal. I am desperate to help my family for two reasons. First and most importantly is the well being of my niece and nephew, both under 10, who deserve better then to live in the unpredictable environment of an addict who mentally abuses them to meet her own unhealthy needs. This has had long-lasting damaging on the children & has been witnessed by only me with open eyes while the “stable” adults in their lives choose (whether aware or not) to believe whatever they can in order to not have to face the frightening reality or the impossible battle ahead. Reason #2 is if I cannot help my family, I will lose my family and everyone I’ve ever loved. The biggest factor that keeps help from my sister is that somehow she manages to hold things together well enough (function- on HEROIN!) that bottom is never an imminent danger. The people around her can’t tell she’s on drugs (I thought she had been doing pretty well right during the time she had been using so much heroin her dealer refused to sell anymore because she was a mother), though her behavior is erratic and perplexing just like her explanations for everything which are riddled with lies with no reason and leave you confused- people can’t place what Is wrong with her but drugs is unlikely enough to give anyone with a tendency towards denial enough evidence of any other explanation to come up one and sleep at night no matter how aware of the truth they truly are deep down. My parents in full denial, standing guard to protect her from help as if it’s a punishment, not a savior. They help her w/$ everytime though she is married to a man who makes plenty + she could work. She never needs money for the usual things like bail or things typical heroin addicts need ??. This week is sewage in their basement, costing 1000s!! Instead of insisting she get help or no $, or even that they grow up and deal themselves my ps are paying with no conditions at all! They don’t see that my sister will make poor $ decisions (drugs over necessities), until they stop enabling. They don’t get that paying for this doesn’t mean they are buying her drugs! I know the Life those kids lead is frightening, unpredictable and inconsistent. Knowing that other parents send their kids over to play, ignorant of the danger while my parents just stand by and attack or dessert me if I do a single thing to help anyone, it is truly frightening and I feel helpless. I just don’t know what to do and it’s like watching a train wreck while reasonable smart people stand there and help ignoring their moral responsibility to those kids!! I need resources to help me with this.
D.b.D.January 17th, 2015 at 1:45 AM
I forgot to ask has anyone ever heard of someone using so much heroin (not intravenously I don’t think) that their dealer won’t sell to them anymore but remaining able to keep up appearances enough that they look like a relatively normal middle-class family? You read all of these horror stories about people who have fallen into darkness and chosen very typical and destructive not to mention criminal behaviors as a result of the drug so how the hell is she doing this? True she’s been using drugs one way or another since she was a teenager and she’s almost 40 but still!! Why is she able to carry-on raising her children and functioning enough to get through each day without any truly major catastrophes while using heroin? Unless something terrible happens my parents will never wake up, and without their influence/ultimatums she will never feel forced into help whether you believe a person can be helped that way or not (I happen to know you can). Alone and against everyone I love I simply cannot fight this fight by myself! I have taken further drastic but perfectly reasonable and appropriate action which I’m afraid to share because my parents would believe it a terrible betrayal deserving of exile from the children forever (me who is the only person on this earth who has a risked anything significant to protect them) which shows you how delusional they are. They truly regard any form of help that my sister does not choose on her own as some kind of a violent attack and betrayal worthy of shocked gasps and punishments of the coldest, long lasting variety! We are actually getting along some now, my parents and I, so any advice now that I’m in the position to possibly get through to them, would be so appreciated.
leslieDecember 24th, 2014 at 8:57 AM
I feel like we r leading the same life. I cant do it anymore. I had to give her back to God and hope he sees fit to change her life. I love her so much but this has been the most terrible 10 years ever…
amberDecember 25th, 2014 at 9:50 AM
I pray for you. As the daughter of a mother who is going through the same thing. My sister is lost destroying everything her path. My mother is always whobsje blames yet she was raised no different than me. Given a good healthy upbringing never needed anything. But now has ruined my mothers home, things, bankruptcy. Looking on from the outside you can say my sister truly hates my mom based on her behavior alone. And she has 4 kids my parents are currently having to raise. And they deal withy husbands drug addicted husband too. Its hard but one thing for sure is that my mom is not to blame and neither are you.
SamMarch 21st, 2015 at 7:47 PM
MH: out of all the sites Google could bring up , I find goodtherapy.org and out of all the threads , I see I’m not alone though I feel very alone. My 22 yr old daughter is gone , I don’t recognize her , her laugh has even changed. I’d I didn’t have other younger children I would follow her intot her hell in hopes that if she saw me in pain she would stop poisoning herself so to be able to bring us both out. But I know addiction is selfish and more than likely would not allow the happy ending its something I would have to try. Addiction has taken the breath out of our lives. It’s taken our smiles and laughs joy and peace. I’ve seen her on life support Bc of her addiction. That was just a prelude of addiction winning. How did we get here? I’m so consumed with her that I lost friends, career, marriage, family and myself. How can this be happening? Thank you for sharing i wish you positive energy and strength and peace.
MHNovember 19th, 2014 at 9:25 AM
I just joined the website a few minutes ago, but your recent letter stands out to me from all the rest.
I completely identify with you.
When my daughter was born and I saw her for the first time, the love was so intense and the bond so strong that I can’t even describe it. I still feel she is part of my soul and being and always will be. I have come a long way in gradually distancing myself, however. Because her addictions have taken over who she is, I cannot be attached to that. Her authentic self is lost and buried deep inside her where I cannot go. I cannot reach her anymore. It is as though she has died and some monster has assumed her body. That monster is who I have to let go of, and pray daily that the soul of my child that belongs to me and to God, who gave her to me, will some how survive and find me. Someday we will smile and approve of each other, and we will look each other in the eyes and see honesty. Someday I have faith the daughter I once knew will bloom again.
You said it well– trying to control her life and take her out of this horrible place is OUR addiction. I have become every bit as sick as she. How can we free ourselves from the addiction of worrying about her addiction?
We have to compartmentalize our life. We pray for her, and then tuck her away in God’s care. Then, we have to take the giant step of turning around and seeing the neglected family around us. We have to focus on our own comfort and good times with them. What good is it to suffer and worry about a monster we cannot control? Has money and worry changed one thing for the better?
EVERY PENNY I have given her has only helped to delay her recovery one more day. Any help is the enemy of recovery. She will never see the point of getting well if she can get even the most basic needs met by someone else. I have to surrender to the fact I cannot help her.
I can help myself, I can give my husband the love and companionship and a smile on my face that he deserves.
I will starve the monster of drug addiction by not enabling it to thrive in my own life.
RobertDecember 1st, 2014 at 7:00 PM
Hello I been there 25 year addiction to meth I. V. Drug user been clean over seven years God sent someone to me and I went to a celebration recovery meeting and everyone there just loved on me and didn’t judge me for being high and I keep coming and went to treatment ect….. Now Iam a drug and alcohol counselor but Love and motivation and other people taught me how to live and I love life today. Never give up God is good
sharonFebruary 4th, 2015 at 10:58 PM
Thank you for a ray of hope. My daughter goes to celebrate recovery, but sometimes relapses. Please pray that God will intervene. Thank you.
amberDecember 25th, 2014 at 9:45 AM
Well said. I will use your words and say them to my mom. Who is also going through my sisters drug addiction. She needs to “starve the monster” thank you.
JudyJanuary 19th, 2015 at 2:25 PM
My 30 year old daughter is a heroin addict. You stated everything on my mind. My once beautiful daughter is now a monster. She looks horrible her face is not the same and everyday I practice my reaction to the news that she is dead. It’s strange. It’s like she already died and I’m just waiting to find out how and when. I cry inside everyday. I don’t know how to live. A mothers instinct is to run into a fire to save her child and with heroin I have to stand by and watch her burn. It’s not natural. My pain is so great.
JuliannaFebruary 23rd, 2015 at 8:46 AM
@Judy, I too feel your pain for my beautiful 23 year old daughter has become someone I don’t know. She was the most beautiful person inside & out. The drugs have taken the worse tole on her and myself as well. I personally have never done drugs so I just don’t understand the addiction. My heart breaks daily and please forgive for saying that it would be easier to hear she was dead than slowly killing herself in front on me. Prayers for us all….
RTFebruary 9th, 2015 at 9:10 AM
Dear MH, you have put my thoughts on paper. My daughter is 21 and was diagnosed one year ago with depression and anxiety. I believe a personality disorder not yet diagnosed. She is medicated with a number of prescribed medications and self medicates with weed and hallucinogenics regularly. She came to live at home six months ago after living with a fella. She quit university because of anxiety, can’t keep a job and since she has been home sleeps most days but goes out on the weekends. We pay for her meds and have been giving her spending money for the weekends. I know that her drug use has increased of late and we have reduced her spending money knowing where it goes. I’m not naïve as to how she might be getting her drugs now and I know my husband and I are enabling her. We are both afraid that sending her out of the house would mean six monthsof ‘stabilization ‘ will be for not. The pain you describe in being a parent in this situation is so accurate.
CindyNovember 23rd, 2014 at 8:25 PM
I am thankful I found this website. I have so much pain inside because I am so embarrassed and feel so responsible for what my daughter is doing and has done. She is 35 years old and her husband OD and died two years ago. They.brought two beautiful children in this world who she does not care one thing about. I have sent her to rehab which I will be paying on for the next 25 years. I went in debt a trailer right next to my home because I thought at least I could make sure the children were safe. I cannot believe where my life is now. I raised my children both the exact same way and I’m trying to get over the guilt that I feel because she blames me for everything. She pays no rent, doesn’t work, doesn’t feed her children, and I am at my at the end of my robe. She has financially ruined us but has no remorse whatsoever. I am struggling so hard to just feed and clothe her children and she never has any money and acts like I should take care if her too. Like I read from others, she wears me down until u can’t take it anymore and give in to just get her to stop. I then got to my bathroom and cry my heart out. Her children will not even go over to her home because they know she does not love them. AA, counseling, rehab….. on and on. I think she is doing good and then I find out she is lying and back it all starts. My husband is disabled , her step-father since she was three is sick. She hates him because she can’t work him like she does me. I have ran people off with shot guns. I finally have the people stopped from coming over here unless she is flipping them at night, which she has done. I feel like she has all the control because of the kids. It is so hard to get custody of the kids. I don’t want to be a patient again but what do I do? It is not their fault. I lost a lot of my relationship with my son because I am having to do so much for her children. My heart is breaking. I have always been known as a strong person but now I am falling apart. I can’t afford to get help for myself–we are barely eating. I live in a very small community and I have tried to keep all thus to myself as much as possible but I thought being able to just write the truth might help. Her addiction has ruined my life, my marriage, my dreams…. I am retired and was hoping for a time in my life with some peace but I only see that coming when God finally decides to take me home…..well I wrote it down and am sharing it….I have no one to ask for help so anything you have to offer me would kindly be appreciated.
CindyNovember 23rd, 2014 at 8:29 PM
Sorry for grammar mistakes…crying so hard while writing this post..
SheilaDecember 14th, 2014 at 7:18 PM
I also have a daughter who is 34 and has been an addict for almost 10 years now. She had a baby that was born at 24 weeks and only lived for a month. My husband ( her stepdad) has tried to help her many times but he has given up in her. She is also very sick with a blood disorder and can’t go to rehab and I am also completely broke trying to pay for her medical needs. I finally had to let her go. Detach with love is a very hard thing to do but now it it either her life or mine. I know the only possible way for her to get help is for me to get out of the way and let her experience the consequences of her behavior …and be prepared if she dies. At least I’m not crying every night and sneaking around trying to bail her out of all her drama. Try naranon or alanon , your are not alone. Keep praying for your daughter , God hears us and He will answer your prayers. Hang in there
November 24th, 2014 at
We received the comment that you submitted on our blog earlier today. Thank you so much for visiting GoodTherapy.org. If you are experiencing a life-threatening emergency, in danger of hurting yourself or others, feeling suicidal, overwhelmed, or in crisis, it’s very important that you get immediate help! You can do one of the following immediately:
• Call your local law enforcement agency (911);
• Go to the nearest hospital emergency room;
• Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 (TTY:1-800-799-4TTY)
The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is equipped to take a wide range of calls, from immediate suicidal crisis to providing information about mental health. Some of the reasons to call are listed below: • Call to speak with someone who cares;
• Call if you feel you might be in danger of hurting yourself;
• Call to find referrals to mental health services in your area;
• Call to speak to a crisis worker about someone you’re concerned about.
If you are a victim of domestic violence, you can call your local hotline and/or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE (7233) (TTY 1−800−787−3224)
RAINN provides support for sexual assault victims and their loved ones through two hotlines at 800.656.HOPE and Online.RAINN.org. Whether you are more comfortable on the telephone or online, RAINN has services that can guide you in your recovery.
• The National Sexual Assault Hotline: If you need support, call 800.656.HOPE, and you will be directed to a rape crisis center near your area.
• The National Sexual Assault Online Hotline: is the first secure web-based crisis hotline providing live and anonymous support through an interface as intuitive as instant messaging.
• For more information visit http://rainn.org/get-help/national-sexual-assault-online-hotline.
TaniaDecember 10th, 2014 at 9:13 PM
I work as a mental health and addiction counselor in MD. If you have a family member who needs treatment, I recommend you have them screened at the Behavioral Health Division of your local Health Department. The Health Department will often pay all the costs of inpatient treatment, and will also subsidize outpatient treatment. Pregnant women and women with children can also receive funding through ADAA-Behavioral Health Administration. I had a recent client, using crack cocaine for decades, who said she never sought treatment because she never thought she could afford it. This little known fact could save families from bankruptcy and remove barriers to treatment.
melissaJanuary 16th, 2015 at 5:09 PM
What if your adult child refuses treatment? Do you kick them out of the house? Refuse any assistance until they have hit their bottom and are willing to accept treatment? Desperately seeking advice
DeniseFebruary 28th, 2015 at 8:55 AM
Did you get any answers? We too have a 26 year old who will not get help. He says we are crazy and we are ruining his life. He said he likes the way he is. We got him to get help 6 months ago, the Dr inserted a pill into his abdomen, it made his body and brain refuse the urge to do most everything. After a week he started to have color in his face, his eyes brightened up, he was doing things physically. The pill was going to slowly dissolve in 2 months and your are supposed to continue with therapy. Well, the minute that pill was dissolved and out of his system, he disappeared for 3 days. He has been a wreck ever since! Even worse actually! He said that Dr ruined him and so did we. We ruined his reputation with life long friends he says now. He has never hit rock bottom and I read that as parents we should do that! The problem is that he has an Italian grandmother who is naive and will do ANYTHING for him. She has paid his rent, washed his clothes, he is now moving out of his luxury apartment in SF to live with her. He has a high paying job and manages to do well without them noticing, but he doesn’t have a dime in the bank! He spends every paycheck on his supply. When your child is an adult, has a great job, and an overprotective grandmother, what else can we do? We have 4 other kids who are younger and they Recently started asking what was wrong with their brother.”why does he act that way mommy?!” It kills me inside!
skJanuary 2nd, 2015 at 8:14 AM
I just stumbled on this website and these comments and I find comfort in knowing I’m not alone. My almost 25 year old daughter is an addict. She is on heroin and I’m being told meth and crack as well. I have battled a long time with her addiction. I only realized she was into the “hard stuff” a couple of years ago when she tried to tell me she got bit by a spider and it turned out it was an infection from shooting up. The doctor came to me and said she would lose her arm if she didn’t stop shooting up. That is when I found out she had been into drugs way worse than I knew. It has went downhill since. We had to throw her out of our house from all the theft and lies. She had been living on the streets as she has caused everyone who has tried to help her turn their backs on her from the pain she has caused. I had to take custody of her two boys whom I am raising and the oldest doesn’t want much to do with her. On rare occasions when she calls he doesn’t want to talk to her and I don’t either due to the stress it causes me. It’s always some crazy lie to get money. She has cornered me to the point I gave her the money so I could leave the parking lot of a McDonald’s. Her and her druggie friends physically broke into my house in broad daylight and robbed me blind while I was at work. It breaks my heart but the only way I am going to survive is to cut her off completely. It is a horrible life to live not only for the addict but for the family left behind. I can only pray that God can bring her back but I am preparing for the worst. Stay strong everyone. A friend told me something she learned while in counceling for her own family addiction issue which has helped me. How do you know when an addict is lying? When they open their mouth. I struggled with my daughter’s convincing stories and was unsure if she was lying or being truthful and that little phrase helps be keep strong when I tell her NO!
There is no easy way through it. I just have to let go now and move on with my life and the lives of her children. God Bless you all.
kimFebruary 26th, 2015 at 7:36 PM
It is helpful to realize I’m not alone and sad that any parent goes through this. The lies, stealing, guilt they put on us. Having them come home during my sleep time high. Getting calls at untold hours to hear “what are you doing”. Well I was sleeping you obviously up at 3 4 5 am due to getting high. Unfortunately putting my 29 yr old son out is the only option I feel left. My life has been so devastated. I thank God for him daily and plead the bloodvof Jesus
kimFebruary 26th, 2015 at 7:37 PM
Jesus over him. it is the ONLY thing I can do.
CristinaJanuary 5th, 2015 at 10:25 AM
Happy New Year?!?
Thank you to all who have shared their difficult and heartbreaking experiences on this site. My 18 yr old daughter is also an addict and recently stole my debit card and drained the family funds to get high with her friends over the Christmas holiday season. We are seeking help for her, but my husband and I constantly argue about what she needs. My marriage is nearing the point of no return. I believe that my daughter manipulates my husband and says whatever he wants to hear like (yes, daddy, I need help… I’m so sad…. pls take me back in). We have been doing this for 3 years now. She lies, she steals, she is not the same person and doesn’t follow through with any promises and has no regard for anyone in her family. She is selling drugs, using drugs, hustling for drugs and God only knows what else. I know in my heart that she is a good person down deep, but the monster that lives within is taking over. And not just taking her over…. now it’s got a hold on my entire family. I’m ready to give up as I am powerless as the only parent that recognizes this. Husband enables this to continue, makes excuses, avoids difficult conversations and chooses to surround himself with work/distractions to avoid things. I am ready to give up… too many demons to fight in my house… no light at the end of this tunnel. I’m so tired.
MelodyFebruary 5th, 2015 at 8:00 AM
Please seek God , for He is stronger and greater than the demon’s that are trying to destroy our families ! God is our only hope ! I promise when you seek Him and His will , He will give you the strength and peace you need to get through these trials !
LHWJanuary 5th, 2015 at 11:09 AM
Wow, I am not alone here. My daughter is 27 and currently in jail. She has been using Heroin, Meth, Crack and God only knows what else. She is a shell of what she once was. She is homeless and has lost everything including her young daughter. We have had custody for years now. I am thankful she is now in jail but I know that wont last. At least I can sleep a few days without worry. I can relate to every story about all the daughters and sons here. We are a good family and have several other daughters who are great productive smart girls. I just want my nightmare to end. My daughters health is also in poor shape. She has collapsed veins, infections etc. Nobody could ever know the pain we feel as parents. It seems as if her death would be a relief. Such a pathetic thing to even say.
karrineFebruary 23rd, 2015 at 1:41 AM
It is not pathetic we all feel this way even though others may deny their true feelings my son was in jail for 9 months in 2012 i found myself actually glad stress free
Darren H.January 5th, 2015 at 9:05 PM
Thanks everyone for your honest, heartbreaking stories. It continues to amaze me how powerfully destructive addiction is, just tragic on every level. I encourage you to get help for yourselves — al-anon, counseling, spiritual or religious support — because this obviously wreaks havoc on families and is traumatizing indeed.
LouieJanuary 12th, 2015 at 1:38 PM
Wow …. God does work through people. Stumbling upon this site is no coincidence.
Today I found myself thinking a lot about my daughters addiction to drugs and how powerless I am to stop her. A couple of times I even got teary-eyed behind the hurt inside.
Out of 5 of my children, one has fallen victim and I believe I have a lot to do with it.
I too used drugs and alcohol for over 35 years before surrendering. NO ONE could help me because I simply choose to keep living the nightmare. However,
I happen to be lucky or blessed to survive that long. Many of my friends died along the way and thats what scares me most about my daughters use. My experience living that lifestyle is whats killing me inside because she doesn’t have a clue whats ahead for her if she doesn’t quit now. I try talking to her but she changes the subject. She knows she cannot pull one over me. And though I feel a lot to blame, I will not enable her. I try to use my knowledge of this disease to steer her in the right direction. But the bottom line is this … No matter how bad we want our kid/kids to stop, only they can stop. We are powerless on making their decisions. A lot of prayers, love and support is what I am doing. Today I realize how much pain I caused my parents. God knows how bad I feel for doing such things.
Addiction is selfish! It robs us and everyone in our lives.
Best of luck, and thanks for your time.
DanielleJanuary 12th, 2015 at 4:55 PM
I am writing as a person who was an addict. My situation may present as unique because I always knew I had a problem (drinking) and I tried to stop myself starting when I was 17 years old. I tried AA, counseling, outpatients…I sent myself to rehab at 26 and had countless nightmarish scenarios play out involving police, getting fired from jobs, volunteer work drunk, horrible relationships, crashing cars etc etc. The driving force behind my addiction was an enormous amount of pain I had to be willing to finally feel. This was an atrocious experience but the fear of it is what continued my incredibly destructive behavior no matter how much I hurt myself or anyone I cared about. Addiction is about avoiding pain that is constantly threatening to come fully into consciousness. At least in my experience. I dont know if that helps anyone understand how their child could treat them the way addicts treat, but it is the truth from my experience. Perhaps it can help to not take their behavior personally…
Darren HaberJanuary 12th, 2015 at 5:08 PM
Dear readers, thank you again for your comments. I have been so amazed by the responses here that I plan in the coming months to put together an e-book about dealing with family members struggling with addiction: reasons, resources and (I hope) some consolation that you are not alone. There’s no sugar-coating the brutality of addiction, but it has such a wider impact than is realized. Addiction is an equal opportunity destroyer. Anyway thank you again and I am very moved by the honesty in these posts. I hope and pray you and your loved ones find relief.
LouieJanuary 14th, 2015 at 6:08 PM
*An Addicts Confession, The Life I Once Lived*
Though writing this is a bit personal and humiliating, I can only hope someone can identify … Or see what drugs have to offer.
For 35 years I played the game of “Russian Roulette”. Every time I consumed my drug I took a chance of it being my last. The insanity behind using is unreal. It took me on a journey like no other. Countless trips to the hospital, the jails and finally came the prison. Only through the grace of God I didn’t end up in the morgue. I did however come close many times. Yet the insanity had me continue this cycle for 35 plus years. This living nightmare all began with a harmless beer, so I thought. It is real easy to develop a tolerance. Once the beer stopped doing for me, I graduated to weed. Within a year I was a walking drug store. I experimented with just about every drug out there until coming across my love, “HEROIN”! To those of you new to this .. drug addiction will rob and destroy your life in a matter of time. And thats if your lucky and not die first. I lost count of how many friends died throughout my addiction. An active addict will do just about anything to get their next fix. I did a lot of things I once swore I’d never do. Some things I’m too ashamed to say. Things I could only turn over to God. Drug addiction is a disease.
There is a lot pain and suffering involved. The longer you wait to seek help, the harder it will be to stop. There is no such thing as finding a cure. All it takes is a simple slip to return back to active addiction. Though I take it a day at a time, sometimes I have to fight with my disease and take it a minute at a time till I get through the temptation.
To be cont ..
Thank You And God Bless.
catbeeMay 21st, 2018 at 10:43 AM
Have you compiled the book regarding family and addiction experiences yet?
LaDonnaJanuary 20th, 2015 at 9:44 AM
After googling “family of adult addicts”, I stumbled across this site. I sat here and read the comments only to realize the similarities that each and everyone one of us face. My 30 yr old daughter has been addicted to pills for the last 10 yrs. Her choice of drugs are Somas, Xanax and Vicodin. The pain and hurt that she has caused is beyond sleepless nights. She has overdosed twice, been on life support, wrecked cars, stolen from her family, lied, twice has had CPS involved (I have two Grand-Children, 10 and 6) and countless other incidences. I live in Florida, she lives in Texas with my Ex-Mother In Law. My Son, her Uncles and Aunts have to clean up her mess constantly. I have gone back home only to chase drug dealers away, tackle her to the ground with my Grand-Daughter to get the pills out of her pocket. It is a re-occurring situation. After I thought that I had heard it all, last night she was found passed out in her bedroom naked from the waste down, a man sitting in the living room, while my Grand-Daughter was on the computer. Her Uncle took the kids out immediately. This is what I deal with on a constant basis. My hurt turned into anger, my anger has now turned into numbness. From a previous post I read, I am too just waiting to get a phone call that she has passed. I know this sounds horrible, but I feel that I would have a tremendous sense of relief. Thank you for letting me vent and allowing me to put my feelings down.
karrineFebruary 23rd, 2015 at 1:34 AM
I feel the same way that if they would od it would be relief no one knows how you feel until you live with an addict
jonJanuary 21st, 2015 at 6:54 PM
When I was young me and this girl were best friends. My mom lost me in court and I was separated from this girl for 14 years. Now that I found my way back home I have fallen in love with this girl and want nothing more then to care for her and give her the life she deserves. But there is a problem. She is addicted to drugs and wants to change.she knows how I feal about her and deals the same about me. She is in a adusive relationship with a guy who basicly feeds her drugs so he can have his way with her. She hates him but gives in for the drugs. I’m in desperate need of help what should I do.
joeJanuary 23rd, 2015 at 4:37 PM
I have a 27 year old boy .he not wanna work does not clean his room he have very bad attide he talk very bad with me I don’t know what to do please help
Louie Jr.January 24th, 2015 at 3:23 PM
Sorry to hear whats going on with you and your son. It is so painful dealing with child who is caught-up in drugs. I am also a recovering addict dealing with a daughter who is in active addiction now. One advantage I have is … 35 plus years experience. Experienced in lying, justifying, manipulation, conning and all the other tricks when it comes to drugs. Proud I’m not, blessed to be alive, yes!
What I suggest to you is “tough love”. If your son is totally disrespecting you and your home … and you’ve tried talking to him with no change, then you may have to give him an ultimatum. It sounds mean, but if you don’t take action now, things will only escalate. My daughter knows how far she can get with me. She knows I’d do anything possible to help her so-long as I see her doing the right thing. My parents enabled me for years until they got educated in the disease of addiction. Slowly but surely the tough love started. When I realized I was about to lose their total support, the fear kicked in and through the Grace Of God I surrendered.
So once again, Tough Love I suggest to you. Best of luck,
B.DavisJanuary 24th, 2015 at 11:33 AM
To witness someone you love dearly that is an alcoholic
distroy their health, and everything they come into contact with, is heartbreaking. Is there anything I could possibly do to help her? Her illness is killing me too.
Louie Jr.January 26th, 2015 at 12:57 PM
Sad, but unless your religious, there is not much you can do. Love and support is needed. But be sure you DO NOT enable her. The decision has to be hers to quit. Prayers help me get by. Best of luck … God bless.
mona mFebruary 2nd, 2015 at 5:12 AM
I hear my 24 year old daughter is doing (G) when i comfront her she says she is not. By let weight loss and the look on her face, i know she is. The thing is she has a 6 year old son and I feel like I need to take him. First I do not know how, also I cant prove she is on drugs never have seen her do it, my grandsons father is in rehab and has been for the last year. My daughter insists she is not on drugs. I just lost my 21 year old son to a drive by shooting 5 years ago and dont think I can lose another child. I pray everyday and I am sooooo scared.
Melissa CApril 22nd, 2015 at 1:57 PM
I so feel your pain. The fortunate thing isshe ddoesn’t have any children. If she did I would have taken her to court and got custody of them. You just have to check the grandparent rights for the state you live in.Unfortunately some states don’t recognize grandparent rights. But if you can prove her to be an unfit mother without a doubt then you should have rights to your grandchild. You can Google Grandparents rights and the state you live in and get more info. I don’t believe any child should be drug through that kind of life just because their parent can’t get control over their addiction and make their children first priority. I hope this is helpful to you and can give you some hope to know what your next step will be. God bless you.
ninaFebruary 2nd, 2015 at 5:32 AM
The only way to help them is to force them to have no other alternative than to help themselves. This means cutting them off from you completely. No visiting, no phone calls, nothing for as long as it takes. You have to let them hot rock bottom before they will have no other alternative than to start helping themselves and when that day comes u will b there for them
Begie.February 9th, 2015 at 8:27 PM
My daughter has been addicted to heroin for over 10 years. She was raised in church, took dancing lessons, was in Girl Scouts, played violin and cello, auditioned for and accepted into the city wide children’s choir, she was in musicals in high school and college. She graduated with a BA in art and architectural history, even making the Dean’s list. When she became addicted she had a great job, a new car and a bright future. She has lost EVERYTHING. First she started seeing an addict who was “trying to get clean.” The spiral down happened so fast we were in shock. We tried different rehabs, medications, sending her out of the country for a while in an effort to break the pattern. We have been lied to, stolen from, defrauded…Finally I had her arrested in an effort to keep her alive.
There have been many days at a time when we didn’t know if she were dead or alive. We have found her overdosed at least three to four times and she would have died if we hadn’t called 911. She will be 36 soon and she is doing a little better because she cannot have a bank account or control of any money. She has pawned items I thought she would never part with. She lives in SSDI due to mental illness, which the heroin has made much worse. She gets food stamps, has Medicare and Medicaid. After we pay her living expenses from her SSDI she has about $100.00 left for toiletries, soaps and non-edibles. She lives in poverty. We had a long talk this evening and I am in shock. She REALLY doesn’t get it – all the tears, all the therapy, all the rehabs, all the nights driving around looking for her, all the times I’ve called hospitals looking for her, tracking down her dealer and threatening that dealer, putting blocks on her cell phone, all the nights sitting up with her while she was nodding out, the multiple times we’ve gone through detox at home with her (sleeping for hours, throwing up for hours, toxic bright yellow diarrhea that burned as it came out, then the insomnia) almost losing my job to babysit an adult woman, hours spent in court, money spent for commissary and phone cards and could go on and on but she STILL doesn’t get it.
My wonderful Mama who was my most loyal friend, wise couselor, mentor, follower of Jesus and tough talker when I needed it died in November. I still can’t think of her without crying. I was so blessed to be with her the last nine days of her life, spending most of that time snuggling and holding her in my arms. But I feel like someone took a knife and cut out part of my heart and placed a concrete block on it the hold me together. Knowing this, she spent 30 minutes on the phone this evening telling me everything I did wrong and made life harder for her!
Finally, through my tears I told her I couldn’t talk anymore and hung up. I always have been slow on the uptake. I don’t know what a mental breakdown feels like but I think that’s what’s happening. All I can do is ask Jesus to please take me home. I’m worn out and I just can’t do this anymore. All I want is to be in heaven with Jesus, Mama, Grandma and my best little boy (cat) Stuey. This earth has NOTHING I want.
RebeccaFebruary 21st, 2015 at 9:45 PM
I wish I could give you some encouraging advise, but I find myself in the same boat as you are with your daughter. The only thing I have learned is to keep trying something else. Or a different councellor or pshycolgist. One may just click where she feels they understand her.pleasestay strong. If you have no hope, how can the rest of us?
karrineFebruary 23rd, 2015 at 1:30 AM
If they don,t want help no matter what you do it does’nt work and most of the time they lie to you and tell you they do when all they really want is to get high no matter who it effects they do not care
kimFebruary 26th, 2015 at 7:14 PM
It’s not our children we deal with but the drugs. It is so hard to seperate the two sometimes. My son 29 was high again this morning. I was angry and made the decision to pack all of his things. At somev point there has to be a line drawn. It is painful. Praying and meditating is what I do.
karrineFebruary 23rd, 2015 at 1:27 AM
I wish knew what to tell you but i also have a 26 year old son who has sucked everybit of life out of me all i have has been stolen or pawned getting ready to lose my apartment maybe job all because of heroine lies constantly goes to rehab comes back home every time in a couple of days i am so aggrevated,despondent ,ready to end it all if not for my faith but how much can one take i give up can’t even get them to lock him down in jail or rehab unless you have a crap load of money what does talking do it doesnt solve the finicial burden or the fact that it has taken you so low you dont even want your son any more
mbrunesrFebruary 26th, 2015 at 5:11 AM
No how you feel daughter is 27 been going thru this for 10 yrs first oxys then heroine now xanax 2 children from 2 losers.now and on in the oven from a third granddaughter stays with me and can only pray for my grandson hurting every day but still love and care for my granddaughter and what did it come down to she told me “I F’n hate you” been thrown under the bus and stabbed in the back so many times how much does the Lord think I can take
loriApril 22nd, 2015 at 10:24 AM
Dear Begie,I wish there were a way I could reach out and ease your gut wrenching pain.We have so much in common.I find myself looking forward to not being on this earth,the pain is so great and I am tired of trying.I do try to think of the people in my life who love me and need me.These loved ones have taken a backseat to my constant efforts to help and fix my daughters life.You sound so loving and I am sure there are so many friends and family who need you and want to be there for you.When I feel hopeless as you do now,I think of them and I gather enough strength to make it through another day.xoxo
Melissa CApril 22nd, 2015 at 1:42 PM
I am actually beginning to come to terms with my daughter’s addiction . I look to God for guidance and I know there’s nothing I can do to help her until she’s ready as sad as that is, I know she’s not ready so to decrease that gut wrenching feeling I have to distance myself from the situation. Now she’s facing criminal charges for fraud or theft I’m not sure which. She’s back in West Virginia, she couldn’t stay clean for 10 hrs. to make it to Missouri where I live. Ihad a job interview set up and was talking to a landlord about renting her an apartment. I put myself out there for her
to make the transition as positive and easy as I could for her and it blew up in my face. I love her so much.She’s my babyand I won’t give up on her but right now I can’t expose myself to what she’s doing to herself. I’m not the only one she hurt by her actions. She has an older brother and sister and 3 nieces and 2 nephews.
Melissa CApril 22nd, 2015 at 1:45 PM
One of which she has never met. Other family members were affected by her action. Drug addiction is not just the individual’s issue it belongs to the whole family. It is very heartbreaking to watch one of your children slowly killing themselves by doing drugs but like I said I look to God for guidance.
annetteApril 28th, 2015 at 6:26 AM
Im with you. I have done all i can do. I just feel like my life is so messed up because i cant help anna our daughter, and i am suffering depression of kicking her out. Im in so much pain
tracyFebruary 17th, 2015 at 7:05 PM
What I feel you just said perfectly. My daughter is 24 and I have not seen her in about 4 years. She is a shell. I am hopeless
mbrunesrFebruary 26th, 2015 at 5:03 AM
What happens when there are grandchildren involved how do you cut them off.daughter is 27 has two children from two different losers.now she’s pregnant with another from another all over xanax wtf dealing with work comp hurting every day mske sure my granddaughter gets to schooligans every day while she sleeds in wherever only can pray for my grandson
soMarch 1st, 2015 at 7:33 PM
I have a 27 year old daughter addicted to heroin, she went to nursing school and was an LPN at age 20. She lost her nursing license,her car,her daughter,everything. We went to meetings. Convinced her to commit herself to the psych ward 2 times to save her life and it did.. We are still fighting this disease. We have been throught it all. The last resort was to put a warrant out for her arrest. She has been in and out of rehabs, 1/2 way houses, 3/4 houses for the last 5 years. She has a 5 year old daughter.Nothing ever changes no matter what we do. I can’t do this anymore, I can’t take it. It is so hard.
MarieMarch 2nd, 2015 at 2:39 AM
I just got told yesterday by my 22 year old daughter that the police stopped her and her boyfriend in the car and that not only has she lost custody of her 10 month old son but that they are both drug addicts, they are on a drug called Opana, she moved to America about 3 years ago from the UK and when I visited them in November last year I had no idea what was going on considering I have never had any dealings with drugs, she is a well educated girl and both me and my husband can’t understand why she would do this, we are devastated and having researched this only feel more despair as it seems to be a hard thing to stop. I have been funding her life for years now thinking that I was helping her, they say that they have only been doing it for about 4 months but I don’t know what to believe, I gave them money to pay bills and set them up for the future when I visited and now she tells me its more or less all gone, I love her so much and can’t bear the thought of all this, it was hard enough when she moved to America and now the only contact I have is through facebook or skype when she comes on, I find myself sat in front of the computer waiting for some news hoping I suppose for something good but dreading something bad. Its never easy being a parent and making the right choices but this is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with, I will never disown my daughter no matter what she does, I am not sure what help they will get over there as I don’t know the system. I wish she would come back here but having read some of the stories that doesn’t guarantee a good outcome I am glad I found this site because I don’t feel so alone as I did earlier there are lots of us out there struggling to come to terms with the mistakes of our children and hoping that they end up doing the right thing. My husband always says the one thing they can’t take away from you is hope but today I find that hard to believe
TiredMarch 3rd, 2015 at 11:34 AM
We have a 31 year old daughter who has been using drugs (heroin) and alcohol since she was 15. She has two grade school age children, who are now living with their dad. We do have a relationship with them. We have not seen our daughter since May 2014. She phoned us to tell us she is pregnant. She has no relationship with her children, yet has decided to have a baby. We are struggling with what to do. We have no interest in supporting her decision to have another child. She has been in and out of rehab and has talked about hitting bottom, yet continued to use. She is now saying she is clean, and again ha hit bottom, and wants our support. We are so afraid to embrace her decision for fear she will start using again once the baby is born. We are not in position to raise a child. We feel stuck.
kimMarch 8th, 2015 at 10:32 AM
Dear Tired, I too am tired. I’m certain you’ve been through the same junk unfortunately ALL parents have dealing with adult children who use. Most definitely the worst feeling is hopelessness. As parents we always try to protect and fix things when there’s a problem, if it were that easy.. Only God can fix this and only then if our children want to change. My sister has told me you’re not helping him (my son 29) by letting him live with you, you’re just ENABLING. That hurts heaven knows I certainly do not want to help him use. I’ve put him out but it was 20 degrees here the other night and he had no where to go. So what did I do well I came home and let him in. A huge part of me believes if they could realize what they put their mom’s and dad’s and families through during the times they are using they would quit. My prayers are with you.
LiaMarch 8th, 2015 at 7:44 PM
It makes me feel better seeing all of these posts. My daughter is 27. She has a degree and a 9 year old of which we have raised most of her life. My granddaughter is an A student at a private school. My daughter started out trying to go to rehab and working. She swore she would never lose her daughter her car her stuff. Guess what. She is homeless. No car no kid no stuff no job. I cry all the time. Her daughter asks for her and loves her. There is no greater bond! It is horrific. The war on drugs has created addicts. The big drug companies created this. They gave them OxyContin and now we have this to live with. I don’t hate my daughter at all. I am scared for her and want to help. I want her better. It’s impossible for us to have her here. This is a no drug or drama zone. We have 2 children that are high honor students living here. I cry at the drop of a hat. I love her but the system is set up to fail our children. We need to band together to make the laws change so that it is mandatory to put them in a safe environment to help them. I know my daughter and she tries sooooooo hard to stop. She just can’t stop using heroin. I know who she is and she is so much better than that. She is a prostitute and she is hep C positive. God I pray every day that my nightmare will end. My nightmare is nothing compared to her daughter that loves her like ever.
Mentally drainedApril 27th, 2015 at 8:50 AM
Lia, I’m heartbroken hearing your story. I’ll remember your family in my rosary.
DebbieMarch 12th, 2015 at 12:49 PM
I am a grandmother of a wonderful 15 year old grandson who I have had custody of since 2008 because his mother was a meth user. After being in jail several times and several years later (2011) she had nowhere else to go. I allowed her to move into my home. For 2 years everything went very well. only because she did not have a job no money no friends and did not want to go back to jail. Well she did get a job. For 1 year she did good. Then she met a guy through her job. Now its the drugs again and losing her job again. When you have someone with an addictive personality it is like being on a merry go round. It the same thing over and over. All of this actually started way back when she was a teenager around the age of 15. I took her to counseling which did not work. My problem now is trying to get her out of my house without upset my grandson so much. If she moves out on her own he is ok with it. But he does not want me to make her move. He has told her he will not move with her. And she uses him as leverage. It literally breaks my heart for him. I pray daily things will change because she will be losing her job soon and I have told her this. All she does is deny. She claims she is doing nothing wrong. She does not know I have found Fentanyl, muscle relaxers, and an assortment of pain killers hidden in her room. I try not to stress to much over it because I know God works in his own time. We can only pray for each other.
Meghan SMarch 13th, 2015 at 1:15 PM
I am a stepmother to what was a lovely 25 year old girl that even after starting her family at 16, still graduated, got her AA in business and had a great job with a loving husband and two beautiful children. She was one of those that thought drugs were so beneath her. Then about 8 months ago, she up and left her husband, left her kids, got a boyfriend that was a “former addict” to meth and lost her job and was living in a boarding house in a bad neighborhood. We brought her and the boyfriend up north to where we live to see if we could help but I am afraid it just made it worse by being able to get more contacts for drugs. She denied using but when I finally had enough and became the face of the bad guy and kicked them out, we found all the evidence in their room. I was disgusted to find out that she was even possibly selling her body for drugs. It’s comforting to know that there are others out there that took similar steps that we did. There is just no helping them when they are that destructive and my husband was too emotional to make the decision to kick her out even though he knew it was the right choice. I worry every day about her and she refuses to talk to me but at least still communicates with her father, but it’s obvious she’s no where near ready to deal with the damage she’s done to herself and her family. I just keep praying for her and hope that one day, I can have a good relationship with her again.
Concerned step momMarch 15th, 2015 at 9:17 AM
My step daughter is back on heroin again and I don’t know what advice to give to my husband. She is 25 and last June she went into rehab for 30 days and seemed to be over coming her addiction. After $40k and 9 months later we found out that she is back on this horrible drug. Her dad kicked her out of the house last night because of it. He asked me what I would do in this situation and I had no answers. What do I tell him? How to help him cope? She is his only child and believes that she will eventually die from this drug. What do we do when rehab didn’t work?
Darren H.March 15th, 2015 at 10:27 PM
Hi thank you for writing and so sorry. What an awful predicament for everyone. I highly suggest attending al anon meetings for support and/or family counseling with someone who really knows about addiction. I also suggest that you convey to your addicted loved one that you love her even while you have to set boundaries against addictive behaviors. But I think talking to folks with real experience and knowledge will give you options that are hard to see when you’re so close to the chaos. Thanks again for your post. Wishing you the safest outcome for your family.
Darren H.March 15th, 2015 at 10:30 PM
Ps. There are monitoring programs that ask clients to stay accountable after rehab via drug testing and other actions.
TinksmomMarch 19th, 2015 at 4:57 AM
I have come to the conclusion that If a person is going to become addicted to drugs or alcohol then there is Nothing a parent can do to stop them from abusing. I have a 27 year old daughter that I did Everything to keep her from abusing her body with drugs. I told her that there was addiction issues on both sides of her parents and she saw first hand the ravages of alcohol with her father. It did not deter her from drinking and doing illegal drugs. She has tried to commit suicide twice and is now on the run from the law.
We as parents have got to stop beating ourselves up for the path our adult children have chosen. My husband and I are devasted by my daughters actions.
I belong to a group of concerned parents who have all dealt with addicted adult children. It helps to talk with other people who know the heartache that this disease brings. I would encourage anyone out there that is dealing with this horror to please get into a support group for your own peace of mind.
mitchMarch 19th, 2015 at 1:35 PM
my daughters 24 she’s been on drugs for about 3 years she was real bad she OD’d we almost lost her he’s been in rehab for a while now and is doing really well but he had charges that I had bonded her out on they sent to the grand jury Henry and I did her again on charges that I had done bonded her out on added a couple more they have her bond had a hundred and twenty-five thousand so I would have to have 12,500over the past 3 years I have been out every damn I have helping her now that she is on track and doing well and has her goals set store she wants to go now they are going to yank her out of rehab and put her back in jail I’m so afraid I am going to lose her I’m afraid that this is going to cause her to relapse by not finishing her program that she is In I am so lost I am disabled on a fixed income have dunn finance my house more money on my truck all the things I had paid off and now I am afraid I’m going to lose my daughter and everything I have over this if each person that reads this would at least say one prayer from my daughter somehow my part I will figurewith God’s help I need prayers too please pray for her she needs help and I am her daddy and I have done all I can do I have nothing else to do with thanks for listening
JoshMarch 22nd, 2015 at 5:37 PM
I have also been troubled with this. My first wife, who I have a son with (I have custody) is in jail for child abuse/neglect after narrowly missing going to jail over drugs (she has had other kids since my son). Each time since I found a woman, she turned out to be a drug addict. I finally found one that isn’t..but her adult daughter is. And she keeps letting her in the home, for one reason or another, and she keeps stealing from us to support her drug habit. I don’t know what to do, there may be nothing that I can do…and it will eventually be solved one way or another, I am sure. My point here is to exhibit sympathy by showing that I know what you are going through. I’m afraid that I don’t have any answers for anyone else either, but I am empathetic. Good luck, and I will be interested to read any answers that actually come to fruition. I will post mine as well, if it ever comes ti pass.
LesaMarch 23rd, 2015 at 6:42 AM
I have a 27 year old daughter who is a drug addict, she contacted me wanting to know if she moved to Missouri where I am from West Virginia if I would have room for her at my house and after talking it over with my fiance’ we decided we would let her come stay with us. She left West Virginia after a couple of hours on the road she calls me claiming she discovered a hole in her gas tank , she had made it to Nashville, TN at this time. She had a friend there so she called him. She had seemed to sober before she reached Nashville, I’m sure she was exhausted, but after she got with this so called friend of hers she called me and was totally spun out of her head and tried to lie to me about it I knew though. Her conversation was irrational, not making ANY sense, Couldn’t understand most of what she was saying.She had a very bad attitude. she has had a struggle with pills since she was a teenager. It went from pills ( painkillers) to heroin from heroin to meth. As I was trying to attempt to carry on a conversation with her the other morning, I asked her what her plans were for the rest of her trip were? She said which one? It got to the point where she was being so irrational and not making any sense that I had to hang up on her and can’t bring myself to answer her phone calls because it hurts my heart every time I talk to her and she’s high. She’s not making any attempts to make the rest of her trip to Missouri and I’m having to distance myself from her for the time being because this whole situation is beginning to affect my health. I have to force myself to eat and I don’t sleep very well, I have nightmares of her sitting there with a needle hanging out of her arm not knowing where she’s at or any sense of what’s going on. It’s totally heartbreaking for me as a mother to be exposed to as I have finally obtained a balance in my life with a very wonderful man who has been supportive through all of this, we live a peaceful, quiet life and knowing now that we have been lied to from her it’s hard for both of us and is upsetting the balance in our lives as a couple. There are days when I am totally where I can’t function because my emotions are so animate that I can’t concentrate long enough to complete my household tasks in order to maintain my own home. I’m at the end of my rope so I have just quit accepting her phone calls so I can get myself straighten and back on even keel. She has not asked any of the family for help to get home. She has a sister who was ready to go get her until she heard the irrational conversation of the other morning as she was present at my home when the callcame in from her. We are 8 hrs from where she’s at but none of us feel comfortable going to get her as long as she’s spun out. I don’t know what else to do so I’m using tough love. I refuse to send her any money because I don’t know if she would use it to get home or for her next fix. There are no therapists in our area that I’m aware of. What should I do?
The GoodTherapy.org TeamMarch 23rd, 2015 at 11:27 AM
Thank you for your comment, Lesa. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html
The GoodTherapy.org Team
lianaMarch 23rd, 2015 at 1:39 PM
It’s good that you realize she is most likely lying to get more money out of you etc. I have gone through the lies, feeling guilty , sorry for my daughter, wanting to be a saviour, crying, stress, you name it!
My daughter is also 27 and very smart etc. The thing I have finally found peace with is that I know she is smart, resourceful and a very good manipulater. She has seemed to always find a willing victim she can manipulate for money, a place to stay etc.
I decided a few months ago that when I start to worry , cry, wish I could help – now I just pray. Amazing! I feel like a new person. I refuse to let her selfish drug addict behaviour ruin 1 more of my days. I always take her call when she calls to know I guess that she is alive and not in a hospital dying. I am kind to her, I do not lecture etc
I am sure that all the parents on this site have let their GROWN children manipulate them. Don’t , just stop! Your money will go to drug dealers. There are many resources out there if they want to change. Until then they will figure it out. It’s not and never has been your fault! I can say I am finally sleeping like a baby at night with no stress. I hope all that read this can get to the same point.
tiredtooApril 3rd, 2015 at 6:57 PM
I stumbled on this website. Sad to see so many in the same boat. My daughter is 24, has had one horrible boyfriend after another. She was on xanax (almost died) then pain pills and lastly heroin since its now so cheap. Shes been in three rehabs, hospitals, 1/2 way houses, therapy, meetings. It works for a while until she gets back with another ” Mr. Wrong”. Currently she is hiding out with a bisexual (she refuses to believe he is) drug addict felon. She is pregnant and I’m pretty sure she’s using pain pills. She refused a drug test so I told her she had to leave. The boyfriend has a warrant out for his arrest. I hope they both go to jail soon. At least there they won’t get high ( I hope) she will get medical care and three meals a day. Its heartbreaking and the emotions are all over. Anger for the lies and stealing. Guilt for getting angry and not enabling Sadness for it all. Meditation, counseling, humor and prayers keep me sane.
Mentally drainedApril 27th, 2015 at 7:53 AM
Tired too, your situation sounds much like mine. I too have a soon to be 25 year old that’s been in and out of rehab for heroin the last 3 years. Before that it was booze and pills. It started when she was 15.
She’s now in Florida at yet another halfway house with IOP. She’s also found another mr wrong. These people attract each other. It’s unbelievable. My issue is that I just can’t seem to stop dwelling on the fact that I can’t fix this. It makes me crazy knowing there isn’t anything I can do to help. I see a therapist regularly and it helps, but I can’t seem to break free of the depression. I don’t know what’s worse, knowing that I’m powerless to her addiction and that I can’t fix it or coming to grips with the fact that she’ll be like this until she figures it out or dies.
I’m depressed, I’m frustrated, I’m mad and I feel like it won’t ever end.
Elizabeth JApril 27th, 2015 at 12:03 PM
To : Tiredtoo & mentally drained
I am reading this, while thoughts start to fill my mind with hesitancy and fear. You see, I am struggling with addiction to methamphetamines. I am 25 years old and have been using for two years, but have struggled with prior addiction to another substance. I’ve lost absolutely everything, my job, college education, friends, family, but most importantly I’ve lost myself. I look in the mirror in complete despair because I know what I am doing to myself, but continue to ask myself why. I know better and have experienced happiness and success in my life, yet the control I feel I have over my life has disintegrated into thin air. As I read these comments, I noticed a pattern of stories describing failed treatments, group sessions and therapy aiding but not fixing the pain and problems associated with loved ones hooked on drugs. I ask myself why professional help isn’t successful the very first time for a lot of addicts. And I believe that each person is different by their experiences, trauma, family, and mental health. But it is ultimately a question of real truth in what needs to be changed for that individual person, as addiction stems from something deeper that needs to be discovered, accepted, and healed – so the bad habits and negative behaviours get re programmed //
relationships are key to us being here on this earth, we all want the same things and that’s to be loved, accepted, a feeling of connection and belonging. If any of these are lacking for whatever reason, then we look to what we think we deserve and can only have. But once bad relationships are established even if they are very toxic, the people involved in the toxicity become comfortable and fear leaving because that’s all they believe exists in their world.
Drug addicts feel alone, despair, failure and complete isolation all the time, not a minute goes by that an addict doesn’t feel these emotions and I personally know how much pain my loved ones suffer and that alone does not want me to get better. Pain will not fix addiction, avoidance will not fix addiction, and sometimes professional help will not fix it either.
I always believed that treatment would fix my entire life and addiction, and I realize that it’s not the professional help that will cure this disease. It will aid in the process and it can help tremendously. It all starts with self, each addict and non addict effected. Working together and remaining contact is key to getting better. Figuring out what has caused the addictive behaviours to begin with ( relationships, loss, lack of identity or self love etc. ) Then showing eachother that there’s a way to overcome and get through fixing one another together as a team.
I am still going to go into treatment, hoping that it will help me in some way, and for the overall learning experience. I’m sorry all of you are going through this with your children. My mother is sick now, and I want to be better and be able to show her my potential so she is proud, it is very difficult to deal with the pain of my mom being ill, I’ve noticed that when emotions pop up that are difficult to deal with I am more triggered to use. I hope one day things will get better for all of you, and life will be more peaceful and loving.
ElizabethApril 7th, 2015 at 9:04 AM
I have been struggling with addiction for a few years now, and it’s the worst thing I have ever gone through in my life other than losing a family member. I think mainly because you lose your true self in the process of dependency. I’ve done a lot of research on addiction and mental health, and discovered that in order to be free from addiction or addictive behaviours one must reprogram thought processes, beliefs, etc. anything that has to do with enhancing the way they think. An action starts with a thought, the thought triggers an emotional response, and the emotional response creates an intent to act. Traumatic experiences can also lead to addiction, as well as everything that’s in our external environment. I think what caused my addiction was a sense of loss within myself. Growing up I had a very hard time discovering who I was, and being able to express myself because I was looked at as different or “not normal”. I was born with Hemiplegia Cerebral Palsy. It only effects my left side so my left arm is a lot smaller than my right. I didn’t realize I was different until about grade 3. Kids would come up to me and ask me why I walk weird. Another external trigger is the fact that my father left when I was around 2 years old, and my mom did a lot of partying until she became pregnant with my sister. Then she quit the partying and became the mom she was supposed to be. There are so many things that happen to people in life, and it seems that life will have a certain degree of control over a person. But it’s not life that controls people, people control people. What I mean is that everyone who has a drug problem or is effected by someone who does needs to understand why it has happened, deeply understand and find the root cause- either it be triggered from childhood, family, loss, external influence etc. Instead of trying to fix the addictive behaviours first, work on fixing the trauma behind it and how it has influenced the mind to think, behave, and act.i truly believe that this could help a lot of families re establish loving connections that are both supportive and healthy. I feel like such a lecturer since I am experiencing my own family separation with my child, and the lack of mother daughter bonding with my own mom. My life story is so far from perfect, but I can’t let it define and mould me. Yes I am sensitive, and I love my family very much. If I had never experienced this is my life, then I wouldn’t have learned as much as I have. And even though the addiction has effected negatively, there is also positives as well. Two years ago I wasn’t the person I am right now, of course. But what I mean by that is my outlook, beliefs, and understanding of people, and life have dramatically changed in a good way. This addiction is helping me come to grips with who I am as a person, where I came from, and the gripping reality that nothing or no one can fix me but myself. I never used to appreciate children as much as I do now, and it’s a devastating truth that in order for me to learn the true value of motherhood and the unconditional love from a child I had to have it all taken from me. And even though I am a drug addicted daughter, I am also a drug addicted mother without her child. Which there is no possible way to put into words the pain, suffering, longing I feel for my son. For anyone who has someone in their life that’s an addict, understand that your addict is experiencing their own turmoil, pain, and suffering. And the only thing that can ease it is unconditional love. We all want the same things, to be understood, accepted, loved, and a sense of belonging in our families and the world around us. Please share that with your loved one who needs it, hopefully it will help mend the brokenness that is felt inside. Thank you
Melissa C.April 7th, 2015 at 4:31 PM
I thank you for your imput. My daughter had the chance to have a positive change in her life by moving back home and she was going to go to rehab but she couldn’t stay clean long enough (10 hrs.) to make the move home. She got caught up pretty bad in the methamphetamine scene. Has struggled with drug addiction since her teen years. Started with pain pills then heroin and now meth. Shooting it up. It. got so bad this time that I had to distance myself from the situation because I couldn’t carry on a logical conversation with her. It broke my heart when she would call me all spun out. I got to the point where I was having issues functioning because of what was going on with her. I have found that drug addiction isn’t just the individuals problem it belongs to the family as well. Several family members reached out to her and she rejected all of us and our offers of help. So that just tells me that she’s not ready to get help. I found out that she’s in jail on fraud charges. I love her but just can’t expose myself to what she’s doing to herself.
Elizabeth JApril 7th, 2015 at 10:25 PM
My story is very similar. I began using opiates after my sons father left me. I went on a trip to New Brunswick to see family, and when I came back to Ontario, he was already with someone else and wanted nothing to do with me. And the worst part is that the person he left me for, I was childhood friends with. She’s 4 years younger than me. We had just started a family, moved in together, and I was in school full time plus night courses twice a week. We had goals, and we were building a strong foundation for our son. After the break up. I moved back to my moms with my son, and became a single mom. I recieved full custody and child support. But I still did not understand what was so wrong with me and why jesses dad didn’t want to be with us. It was my first official real breakup. I was 18 at the time.
Now fast forward 7 years, my son lives with his dad, and step mom. And he has a baby sister now. I’ve developed an addiction to crystal meth, and have not seen my son in almost two years. ive dropped out of college to stay home and care for my mom who has cancer, had to quit my job so no income. My Aunt who I was living with last year died of an overdose a week after I moved out of her home, we were not speaking to one another. And in the midst of all of this, I have lost myself so completely that I don’t even know what I truly love, my passions, bliss. It’s like everything I once was, independent, strong, loving. All gone now. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I look at myself in the mirror in disgust because I know what I am doing to myself, and I know the horrible effects this stupid drug does.
I have been in a toxic relationship with someone for almost 2 years, and he was the supplier of my high. He treats me unfairly, and there’s a very numb dead feeling I sense from him when we’re together sometimes. It’s like I am dating a ghost. There have been so many problems that have arised in my life since Jesse moved with his father. I just haven’t been able to cope, understand and accept that this is how it’s supposed to be, so that I can get well. I miss him so much, I see him in my dreams every single night, and sometimes I don’t want to go to sleep because I see how sad he is in my dreams, and I wake up crying. The internal pain and sorrow that I feel in my heart and body is just hard to explain to another person. I carry a lot of guilt and shame because I am a parent, not just a daughter. So I’ve experienced both sides.
Melissa C.April 8th, 2015 at 11:57 AM
I will pray for you. Look up to Heaven and ask for God’s strength to help you. I don’t have all the answers but God does. Trust in Him . Sounds like you have been through alot, and a toxic relationship isn’t helping your situation . Reach out and up hun get the help you need . You sound like a nice person who’s just going down the wrong path. You have stumbled upon a fork in your path what path do you wanna take? Talk to God and he will show you. You just have to be still and listen. Best of luck to you.
Jolee EApril 8th, 2015 at 8:39 PM
Your words touched my heart in the deepest way. I have been thinking about God all day today, and what steps I should take. I have been lacking my commitment to prayer and spirituality. I miss meditating and having a still mind. I believe that your comment was the exact message I needed to hear today because of its perfect timing, and my hopes of personal guidance.
Thank you very much
PATTI JMay 1st, 2015 at 2:31 AM
WHY AREN’T THE COPS STOPPING THIS DRUG YET?????????????IT’S KILLING EVERYONE…MY BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER, MY LOVELY STEP DAUGHTER…MY BOYFRIEND…HOW DID THIS HAPPEN TO ME? TO MY LIFE…TO MY FAMILY…TO MY SWEET DEAR KIDS AND LOVES?? I WOULD NEVER DO HEROIN! WHY DO OUR KIDS? WHERE R THE COPS?
Lacy JMay 2nd, 2015 at 5:31 PM
This is our story:
Our sweet daughter was born on May 4th 1981. She was a “Daddy’s girl” … (as most little girls are). She was an outgoing little beautiful brunette with spunk and personality. She loved camping, fishing, and anything outdoors. She was earning college credits in high school, and was planning on going into travel and tourism after her high school graduation. She wanted to take a 1 year break after graduation to spend time with her mom’s side of the family in Nevada. (I’m her stepmom, but her Dad & I raised her from the age of 7).
She was introduced to a man in Nevada and ended up moving in with him. After 2 children later…she ended up marrying him. (Needless to say, college was put on hold). He was a great guy, but evidently she wasn’t happy, and eventually they separated. Somewhere along the way she began using muscle relaxers, then pain meds, then crushing and snorting pain meds, then coke, meth, and eventually heroin. She had a third child with a boyfriend that was using with her.
Long story short, her drug use led to her losing all three of her children. Her two older children live with their father in Nevada, and we have adopted her youngest. We have no idea where our granddaughter’s father is. Our daughter is now back living on the streets after getting kicked out of another one of many rehab facilities. We get our hopes up with every attempt at rehab, just to get let down again. She either walks out or gets kicked out of every facility that she’s fortunate enough to get into. (All facilities lately have been paid for through Medicaid…she has exhausted all of our financial resources)
I believe that her drug use has led to psychological issues, rendering her unable to cope with the environment and demands of a rehab facility…her counselors refuse to refer her to transitional living because of her behavior, she’s confrontational, disrespectful, etc. and a 30 day stay is not enough to make her capable of coping with the temptation of her addiction. Once she’s out on her own, she uses within the first 24 hours. All of the above makes it impossible for her to get a job, let alone keep a job and be able to provide for herself. I’m not going to sugar coat anything. She lies, steals, prostitutes, and manipulates those who she can…to survive. I believe she’s gotten so good at it, that she won’t ever hit rock bottom…there’s always someone that will keep making it possible for her to feed her addiction.
If only there were a way to get our children into a lock down facility. They say that unless she’s a threat to herself or other people, that she can’t be put into a psychiatric lockdown facility. I pray every day that she’ll do something bad enough to go to prison. That’s the only lock down facility that I know of that will force her to get clean.
This is heartbreaking for me, but even worse for my husband.. she’s his baby girl, and it breaks my heart to see his heart breaking each and every day.
I appreciate the posts of those of you who are dealing with addiction yourselves… maybe your input can help us to continue to get inside her head and know the best way to motivate her and support her recovery and not her addiction. I think her attempts at rehab are only to get us back in her life, because she knows that the only way we’ll support her is when she’s trying to get into rehab. Once she walks out, or gets kicked out, we cut her off once again.
She’ll be 34 on Sunday. Happy Birthday Sweety, I remember so many of your birthdays… celebrating with piñatas, etc., since you were born the day before Cinco de mayo…and you love Mexican food!… I pray that you’ll make it to 35 our sweet girl… What I wouldn’t give to see that beautiful smile on your face as you blow out your candles making the wish of a bright future full of health and happiness. Meanwhile I pray for your safety…we love you more than you could ever know. xoxoxoxo
VJune 24th, 2015 at 9:19 AM
Lacy J, I wanted to thank you because I was reading your story at 3 in the morning, and couldn’t believe my eyes, I was actually reading my own story, my daughter will be 30 on September this year and we are the custodians of her 5 years old daughter, I know there are more parents like us out there, and even iif we know what is the right thing to do, and we had learn after so many years of struggle, we Need to hear it over again and again………..My daughter big issue is she still blame everything on me. Is sad….because we hold the memory of somebody that is NOT there anymore, but still very sad to see them go down on the mental illness world, my prayers to all of you out there. God protect them.
DawnMay 6th, 2015 at 6:29 AM
my daughter has been a drug addict for 18 yrs she is also an alcoholic she has always worked completed 2uni degrees she can be the lovleyest girl out we have tried talking to her but somehow she always manages to blame her addictions on others .She is the one who chose this road we have not had a say but have been dragged along .I have lost friends and family because she is my daughter and lives with us .there are many times when I wish that she was dead I am not a young person but wish so much that I could have a little rest from the constant arguments where do I get help for me .She has her Dr and her concelors warped round her finger .I have even called the police out when her drinking has caused problems at home hoping they would take her to a refuge I am at the end of my tether what can I do ???????
Melissa CMay 6th, 2015 at 11:30 AM
I feel your pain Dawn. The only advice I can offer to you is tough love . In my situation I withdrew myself from the situation and got news that she is now in a 6 month program . I have been praying for this to happen, but I knew it wouldn’t until she was ready. It was not an easy decision to make by any means but I felt that was what I had to do to maintain my sanity. Hopefully she will contact me after she is released and we can build a relationship. I hope when she comes out she will become the person I know she can be. I hope this helps you.
Darren HaberMay 8th, 2015 at 8:21 AM
Thank you all for your honest comments. I am a big believer in finding others in your situations who can relate and offer support; if you Google “parents of addicted children” you will find some support, there is also al-Anon and one-on-one support with counselors or therapists who work with families or parents and understand addiction. Finally sometimes addiction, being a family problem, can wreak havoc on a marriage, so couples counseling with a therapist who “gets” addiction can help a lot too, esp. when parents disagree on the best approach. You have my greatest empathy as having an addicted family member, who often refuses to even acknowledge a problem (denial), is one of the greatest stressors on a family imaginable. But do find help and support for yourself, it sets a good example for your child as well. Plus, if one person in the family changes, the entire family system is forced to change/adjust too.
WannarunMay 13th, 2015 at 2:48 PM
Hello. My 23 yr old daughter is also a drug addict. Her addiction is heroin, although she speedballs, did meth ecsttasy, and anything else. She is currently in prison. I found out 2 urs ago and moved swiftly into tuff love mode, not paying car ins,car tax, and licking her out. She used sold heroin prosituted, anything for drugs. She has threatened to kill me, say she has been abused because i ruined her life by not bailing her out of jail when she was still in county. I have had numerouse people tell me to flee for mu life. I do not enable her. I used to miss her i longed for her. I have realized in time i miss what i thought she should and could be. I no longer miss her because she is an animal. I cut a deal with DA at one point to get rehab n no prison time, she was kicked out. She was kicked out of tewatment in prison. She is now currently in disiplinary segregation aka the hole for not obeying orders. Her fathers grandma continues to give her money and give her a car when she gets out. I can not get gma to stop. My daughters dad was an alcoholic and she enabled him to death. I have had enough. I cant help her. I cant change nothing bit me. I am in counselling and it has been great to b validated iny thinking. I have a great church group full of recovering addicts which has helped. I pray for my daughter i pray God will release her from these demons. That is all I can do. She is also into black magic and sends me pictures with upside down crosses wtc. She is very sick and me and counsellor believe she is sociapathic. i pray for all of us in this. Nobody here is alone. I have turned this pain into consstructive healing as i niw hand out narcan kits to users10 lives have been saved that I am aware of. may God help us all! Seek counselling and this is survival it is you or them. The active user is not your child anymore bit a shadow of there former self. Live your life it is hard everyday brings new pain and sorrow but they not only kill thselves they kill tou too. Mine in prison is still keeping contact with her user friends and former customers. She may even b using in there, seems lime it and yes therw is plenty if drugs in prison. PleAse pray fir all if us!!
LisaMay 22nd, 2015 at 10:17 PM
I am in the same nightmare I kicked her out and she lived in cars and hallways and she said she would stop I let her back home and she was good for a few days now it’s back to being high I’m stressed what should I do she is 20 do I kick her out or let her live here no she won’t get help no she won’t do anything but get High
KarenMay 14th, 2015 at 2:18 PM
You have told the exact story I live everyday.
Tom M.May 19th, 2015 at 12:44 PM
My daughter who is now 42 got divorced around 3 yrs. ago. Around 2 yrs. ago she got involved with a man whom at first seemed very nice. As it turned out, he sells Meth and has my daughter hooked. She is also hooked on this guy who I now know to be nothing but trouble. I have called the police and told them about his dealing and what he has done to my daughter and nothing came of this. She does presently live with us (mom and dad) and it’s a total nightmare. There is not a day that goes by when she is here that she is not calling me a MF and other choice words. I know I’m wrong in doing this but it makes me so mad the way she talks to both her mother and me I cannot hold back my temper. As far as her living with us, I do not provide her anything but a roof over her head when she is here. Over the time she has been hooked, she has stolen thousands from us. Stolen check, jewelry and etc. I now am a the end of the rope and I see from everything I read that I have got to let go. I hate it because she is our only child and we both love her but we can’t continue to go on like this. It’s a nightmare. How and what is the best way for us to boot her out. Any help would be very much appreciated.
Melissa C.May 19th, 2015 at 1:44 PM
Is she still using? If so, It probably has come to the tough love point and ultimatiums. You give her the option to get help or she’s gonna have to leave your home. I know as her parents you love her very much but sometimes we got to do the toughest love of all. My daughter was into her drug addiction really deep she would call me on the phone and tell me she was fixin to get high and unfortunately she used needles.This would crush my heart so I backed away along with her siblings and hoped and prayed she would see the light and get help and after realizing because of the drugs she was fixing to lose her family she reached out to a friend and got help. She is currently in a halfway house in Louisville, Kentucky. Has been in detox and is well on her way to recovery. I hope this helps you with your situation. As I have found out most addicts don’t realize that their addiction isn’t just their addiction it also belongs to the ones that loves them. As I said I hope these words will help you.May God bless you.
LiviaNovember 1st, 2016 at 12:11 PM
Tom….Time to kick your 42 year old daughter out!! If she is 42 that must mean you and your wife must be in your 60’s. She has stole thousands from you and abuses you with her language too? I know it must be hard, but it’s called ‘The Consequences of Choices.’ This is the life she has chosen for herself. Don’t let her choose your life too. If she won’t leave, call the police to get her out. I know that sounds harsh but at 42 it doesn’t sound like she’s going to change and if she does, it will have to be her bottom, not yours. God Speed.
LisaMay 22nd, 2015 at 10:38 PM
Help I’m living in gell my daughter is 20 all of the above this started a year ago do I kick her out or let her stay I’m confused please don’t say get help that’s not an option she won’t even admit she does drugs she steals hangs out with 50 year old men leaves to get Hugh comes back a half an hour later doesn’t shower doesn’t clean up treats me terrible but when I kick her out she will sleep in cars and hallways I don’t know what to do I need help do I kick her out or let her live here my life is a mess I lost friends family I cry all the time my 17 year old son lives here I found out today she bad mouths me to him do I kick her out or let her stay what’s the right thing to do please help
KeithMay 26th, 2015 at 4:45 PM
I have a step daughter who was born in 76. Three years ago she came to us homeless, money gone, on heroine. We took her in and she lives on Methodone. It has been three years and living off of us and the system. She is a recluse and lives on the Methodone that she gets each day. We bought a larger home to give her her own space and so I could tolerate the situation. She lives off of the money she gets from the State of MA. My wife (her only daughter) thinks she will never get better. My belief is that she (my wife) is an enabler and they depend on one another in many ways. I feel that if I do not take a stand, this will go on forever. However, I know that if I do take a stand against mer, the marriage will end. My wife will be miserable and they will and I will lose everything that I worked for. What should I do?
KcJune 2nd, 2015 at 6:16 PM
Has your wife ever been to AlAnon? Have you? Try to get her to attend a meeting with you. You are right, you need boundaries. It’s so hard. My sister was born in 76 as well, and is an alcoholic. My parents are addicted to her drama, I believe. It’s painful to watch. Hugs to you.
LisaAugust 8th, 2015 at 12:18 PM
I read what you said we are all suffering you did say your wife is an enabler. I feel then you are also enabled your wife. Your in a tuff situation because your the step parent so what ever decision you have will be blamed on that. I say your life can’t get worse then what it is. So go for it and do what will make you happy, when I first write my comment I was so very sad only after reading everyone’s story and moms dealing with grown women my age did I have the courage to kick my daughter out. I cry when I think of her but I was more sad when she was here living with me. She was putting my life at risk by dealing with shady people. I just seen a story where a high school girl now 20 murder her closes friends who befriended her in highschool when other kids picked on her all over drugs. The popover couldn’t figure the crime out because the 6 people murder where found watch tv no struggles then realized it was this girl she was high went to the house they welcome her in and she murder all them with her new boyfriend just to get drug money . I live in a safe area and was sleeping with a gun p. My daughter was bringing shady people here, I finally realized she is no longer my little girl she is a grown women and I need to let her live her life, that’s the life she wants to live just like if she wanted to be a doctor or was addicted too food. My daughter knows what she is doing. I say walk away tell your wife she needs to choose you or her daughter because as long as you keep enable her she will keep doing it
Darren HaberMay 26th, 2015 at 8:36 PM
Hi Keith, just saw your post. My first impulse is to suggest that you and your wife to see an addiction-savvy marriage counselor so that there can be some reconciliation between your conflicting points of view. You are probably correct in that your wife’s “helping” overextends into what is called “enabling,” although a more compassionate way of looking at it is the difficulty of letting go to allow a loved one, the addicted person, to live and learn from their own mistakes. Why should your stepdaughter grow up if she is nice and cozy at home, and zonked on methadone? On the other hand, the terror and guilt of letting go must, for your wife, be overwhelming and paralyzing. Ideally there would be room for both feelings in the marriage, and compromise (though you have already compromised quite a bit it sounds like); I’d understand whatever resentments or hurt feelings you’d have in that an addicted person’s struggles seem to “suck all the air out of the room,” leaving little time/energy for the other folks in the picture. I also infer your marriage feels strained. If your wife won’t go to counseling, perhaps you could see a therapist or attend al-anon meetings, to talk to folks who relate and will validate your concerns and help you find ways to communicate your emotions and decide for yourself what you can and can’t live with. Stating our own boundaries, what we can and can’t live with for our own sanity, is a more powerful position than saying “you need to figure this out and do A or B or else”. In other words, taking a stand for yourself puts the power back in your hands, as opposed to “my wife needs to do X or Y or I’ll go nuts”. Obviously your wife’s daughter will be in the picture in some way, but not in a way (hopefully) that creates such division in your marriage. Addiction is nothing if not divisive. Hope that helps, thank you for your honest post.
Marsha B.May 28th, 2015 at 8:07 AM
Hi..My daughter, who is 25, is a heroin addict and alcoholic. She tried many times to stop, going in and out of rehab programs and sober living houses. In August of last year, she tried to commit suicide by jumping off the 6th floor of a building. She truly meant to kill herself, but she lived. She had a shattered pelvis, fractured skull..and various contusions.
After a couple of months of being in a wheelchair, she recovered, and was living with my husband and myself for 1 month. During this time and even before she was released from the rehab hospital, she was abusing the oxycontin she was being given by her doctor. I’ll never understand why a doctor would prescribe this to a known addict. No matter how many times I told them that she needs treatment (dual diagnosis), they ignored my pleas and she came home with us after discharge. She never went to any AA/NA meetings, and finally when I decided I couldn’t take it anymore, and she just seemed to be using us; her therapist and I discussed the fact that she couldn’t stay with us anymore, and needed to go into treatment. I had been attending Alanon, which helped some. After calling around to about 50 different programs in Arizona; not ONE would take her being in a wheelchair. Finally, I found one who would take her in NORTH DAKOTA!!! We paid for her plane ticket, and she left in November of last year. After that, she wanted us to pay for her plane ticket again, and having learned a few things in Alanon, we told her that she’d have to find her own way. Since then, she has not kept in touch. When I told her she’d have to find her own way (which is the hardest thing I’ve ever done), I never heard from her again, even though I send text messages now and then, tried to call her, sent email…nothing. And she seems to be doing well now, as the sober living house in North Dakota has a FB page and I see pictures of her occasionally, and she looks happy and sober/clean. But who knows?
I just wonder why she still won’t talk to me even though she seems to be clean and sober. I know from being a recovering addict/alcoholic myself that part of the recovery process and 12 step program (it saved my life) that you have to make amends to people…she knows I love her, and I was not a perfect parent by any means. I was a single mother with her for 12 years of her life, and I think that I did the best I can, although I made some mistakes. I have admitted this to her in the past on more than one occasion. I just don’t understand why she won’t keep in touch at all. I thank you all for any help or advice here.. Take care and God Bless you all.
TamraJuly 23rd, 2015 at 10:42 PM
My daughter is 31, has been in the hospital for three weeks now. She has been a heroin addict for 8 years.she needs open heart surgery for heart damage due to drug use. Her kidneys are damaged, she has a bacterial infection in her blood. It has been a struggle to get the help that she needs. Because she is a heroin addict, they have the right to refuse treatment. And the jail is waiting to take her because she has two drug related felonies. All I see is one sick and dying little girl. My baby! God help me through this.
The GoodTherapy.org TeamJuly 24th, 2015 at 9:18 AM
Wishing you and your daughter the best, Tamra!
MelissaJuly 24th, 2015 at 1:53 PM
My prayers are with you and your daughter.
LesaMay 30th, 2015 at 2:23 PM
I understand your pain . I know what it’s like not understanding why our children do what they do. I think as long as you continue to try to contact your daughter occasionally and show her that no matter what she may be inclined to think that you love her. My 27 yr. old daughter got so bad this last time that she hit rock bottom and went to detox. I had to distance myself from her situation though because she would call me while she was high on meth and I couldn’t even carry on a conversation with her. It hurt my heart so badly that I couldn’t bring myself to answer her calls when she would call. She’s my youngest and it was totally traumatic for me. I had a breakdown emotionally. I love her but it took me stepping out of her life along with her siblings to get to get help and realize what she was looking to lose which was her family. Her siblings both have children which of course they didn’t want their children exposed to someone that was high all the time and I quit talking to her which was devestating for me because she and I went for many yrs. not speaking and we were trying to rebuild our relationship and it went to the shambles again. But I pray that God will keep on the right path to recovery. She has been sober for about a month and a half so I’m proud of her for that. I will keep you and your daughter in my prayers and hope it will all turn out for the best.
CarinaJune 4th, 2015 at 4:20 AM
My daughter is 19 years old, been using drugs for 5 years now, in the last year became a Meth user, bailed out of school and then college. She is a nightmare to live with ,abusive and out of control. I prefer being at work and dread going home in the evenings. She has been in 2 rehabs in the past with no success. I’m having an intervention done this weekend in the hope they can take her into a long term working type rehab. I just know that I cannot live with her any longer
J-9June 4th, 2015 at 6:10 AM
Good Day, I have been in a relationship with a guy on and off for a year. however the past months have been a roller coaster. he had lied, cheated and abused me. however this is not the person I know him to be. we had a massive fall out due to him binging and I had absolutely no support, I then exposed his addiction to his friends believing that this would shake some sense into him. however I have now broken the friendship and family trust (I don’t care) and I am being blamed for a lot of stuff… I saved his Job and everything. all I need to know is was exposing him too harsh? we had not spoken for a week and he contacted me to apologize and with all my heart I cant believe the senserity in it as I have gone down this road before. Do I stick it out and support him or was my hands clean. I had tried everything from acceptance, freedom, forgiveness and allowing thing that I had no other way and truly believed if I exposed this he would come right… I am so lost, I want to walk away but then so did a lot of other people. I am trying to be stern in all I say and trying to not get close but I know my love for him weakens me. I need help as I don’t understand addiction or know what it entales? I just want to help… but I am scared for my own sanity at the same time.
MelissaJune 4th, 2015 at 7:34 PM
I say tough love to save your own sanity . Sounds like you’ve been through alot. Sometimes it doesn’t matter how much we love someone exposing yourself to that kind of relationship is not healthy. We hope somehow the person will change but in most situations once the abuse happens once it will happen again. In my opinion, you should either get out of the relationship or give him the option of checking into a rehab and getting help. I will keep you in my prayers.
DarrylJune 23rd, 2015 at 2:57 PM
My daughter is 32, she has a beautiful little son to be 2 year old son. She is using, denys everything. I have burned through several thousands of dollars keeping her and the baby going. She was married and moved away to a nothern state with the baby at 6 months. after a ruined marriage I got he back with just her clothes and the baby. I am out of money but I cannot bare the thought of that baby out there being dragged back and forth, living in a car seat. eating fast food all the time, never playing with toys. She is using him as a pawn to get me to give money. refuses to work. I am at my wits end. I am married but the step parent thing is not a good mix. they do not get along because of the way she uses me. I have called DCF and they have seen her, talked to her and done really nothing. What is next. that baby has to have stability. I am 53 years old,we are not supposed to raise our grandchildren. but if that is what needs to happen then so be it. But where do I turn now? Law enforcment is not doing anything. Department of Children and Families nothing. What do I do now? who do I call?
MelissaJune 23rd, 2015 at 4:13 PM
I feel your pain. From one parent to another. I say try calling legal aid in the state where you live and see what advice they can give you. Or try contacting an attorney that offers free consultation. If at all possible you may need to step up and take custody of this child. Sounds like you’re about the only hope this child has for a normal life. Tell your daughter that once she gets help and goes to rehab then consideration might be taken to possible joint custody .First and foremost that baby has to be first priority. Your daughter can fend for herself as an adult but that poor little guy can’t and will be drug through ten kinds of hell. I hope these suggestions help you. May God bless you.
CiciJuly 31st, 2015 at 7:27 PM
I am going through the same thing as most of the stories I’ve read except my daughter loves to beat me up or bully me. She is 28 and she has already lost her 8 year old son and now she’s made her 3 year old daughter a pawn in her games. She’s been going to the methadone clinic and as soon as she leaves she starts the hunt for “what really helps her pain” they don’t give pop drug tests like they are supposed to and even if they did she knows all of the tricks about using somebody else’s urine. I have been beat on for years and I am too scared of locking her up because when she gets out she will kill me. She has given me parental authority of her daughter for a year because she was supposed to be going to rehab but all she does is lie,make excuses, blames everybody else. The counselor that did her assessment to get into rehab said that I am putting more into her getting clean than she is. Stuck me with a $3,000 loan to pay because I was stupid enough to cosign with her on a loan “I had no idea she was even doing drugs then” I can’t afford to take this payment on but my credit will be ruined if I don’t. Then there’s my precious granddaughter who can’t stand her because she has been a horrible mother to her,took her on drug deals without a second thought. So now that I know she really doesn’t want help what do I do? Our state Dhr can’t be trusted so I am afraid to get them involved even though we got parental authority for me she didn’t tell them it was because of drugs. She’s about to get evicted power cut off and she has lied and screwed people over she has nobody but me and I am done because I can’t go to treatment for her and she lies and says she wants help and tells the next person she’s being forced to go. I have anxiety disorder and can not take anymore. I have got to think about my granddaughter now. Any suggestions or information will be greatly appreciated
Melissa C.August 1st, 2015 at 2:18 PM
As you already have stated that grandbaby has to be first priority. Her mother will do what she’s gonna do until she hits rock bottom and comes to terms and realizes she needs help. Don’t be afraid to have her locked up . Put a protective order against her stating that she has bullied and beaten you up and that you fear for your life and you fear for your grandchild as well. There are services out there to help you. You don’t have to continue to be bullied and beaten up by your own daughter. If she wants to go down that road of drugs and all that chaos then let her because she’s gonna do it regardless but there are ways to protect yourself and that grandchild. Tough love . I know it’s hard to use tough love when it comes to your own children but sometimes that’s the only choice we are left with as parents. I hope this helps you to make your next step to protect yourself and that grandchild. I will keep you in my prayers.
DonnaJune 27th, 2015 at 7:45 AM
Hi I have read the countless stories of the hell addiction had brought upon families. I myself have a daughter who became addicted to opiates over 11 years ago. I have been through the same painful struggles with my daughter trying to fight off the demons that have taken over. All I have heard is the same old advice, but I find it useless because the outcome is always the same. How about a different approach, these adult children are not in their right minds to make good choices for themselves or anyone else. Why is our country making it easy for addicts to sit around collect food stamps, disability, and/or welfare to help them to continue to support their destructive habits. We are feeding the very snake that eventually grows strong enough to strangle them and anyone who gets in the way to help. We the family members should have more rights to be able to have access to what interventions are being used medically. All you counselors sing the same song of enablement, well you enable them too, help them navigate the system to get paid for their bad behavior, give them free places to live, doctors and psychiatrists write prescriptions for comfort drugs as they call them to just continue on not learning how to live life without a pill, a drink, etc… The system helped my daughter become worse, they are supposed to be the experts, yet my daughter has only become hopelessly more dependent. This is what I have lived with, we family members need to stand together loud and strong, our children are dying, ruining their lives and their family’s lives who love them and are told pretty much just sit back and watch your child die! If our government wants to pump more money into the epidemic of drug abuse, then stop feeding the snake that is growing stronger every single day!
DonnaJune 27th, 2015 at 8:36 AM
The real truth of the matter is you therapist’s don’t really know how to stop this epidemic either. So you feed us parents, loved ones, comfort meds too. A cycle of crap that never ends your methods don’t work! These addicts are being controlled by drugs who turn them into liars, manipulators, and people who are no longer recognized by their own families, but you continue to give us advice that doesn’t proactively help anyone. We still live in fear everyday, are being controlled by the very drugs that control them. And all you can say is they need to change – what is the success rate? Can you tell us that? I have watched a once beautiful person become someone who has lost the ability to appreciate anything good in her life. I am in pain, I’m angry, I feel helpless, but all you can say to the mother’s who have brought these children into this world is mind your business, let them keep destroying themselves and let them live and learn by their own mistakes. The only thing my daughter has learned by her mistakes is how to connect with more drug addicts who have free housing, get handed free money and food stamps to continue to buy more drugs. But we are enabling these people! Can you answer why our state is handing food stamps to people who don’t have children to support, live at home for free, do not work, and have been arrested for drugs? Also, they learn how to get disability benefits so they can continue to support their habits. But we enable our children! Our country needs to stop this – there should be random drug screening for those on any type of state benefits because of mental health problems. Where is the logic here? I have to work for what I need, but our society hands over our future social security benefits and tax dollars to the very people who’s first priority is to continue to use and abuse drugs or alcohol. We are loosing young lives everyday to this epidemic and all you can say to us is don’t enable them. Well then it’s starts with the experts who are our law makers, doctors, therapists, lawyers, social workers, and the pharmaceutical companies who help to keep this destructive cycle going.
July 19th, 2015 at
This is true! Why do I as a parent of an addict have to wait for a drug test at my job and the kids can go get food stamps without a drug test! One works one doesn’t, but seriously!? Justice please! You let them in and out of jail, and some have more rules from the judge then others that do the same thing! I’m tired !!!!! Kaiser refused my daughter rehab!! Great!!! Dad is too busy and I’m mentally and physically after 3 years done and tired!!
DonnaJune 27th, 2015 at 11:14 AM
To add to my previous post, rehab is a joke, they only keep them there for a few days, give them some meds to help with the withdrawal symptoms then give them a pat on the ass and send them on their way. Oh, they have options, don’t get me started on the Methadone BS, I brought my daughter daily to this ball and chain hell, went in one door, came out the other with pills in her hand from people who were in line with her. Unbelievable, then when they relapse they do a down and dirty quick detox and send them right back out to the streets without blinking an eye. These are your kids lives they control. It is a pathetic system and I have witnessed it first hand. Then they increase their doses because like any other drug, they build a tolerance. This is the reason my daughter’s tolerance for drugs became so high, I had to fight with the very doctor who was dosing her so high she was nodding off and couldn’t function. These are the professionals taking care of your children! Open your eyes, I have learned the game, just like my daughter has learned the game of manipulation. Addicts are master manipulators and they manipulate EVERY ONE not just their family members. I know my daughter’s history better than anyone, do any of these rehab places ever follow up with the family and get their input? ANSWER: NO! They only base their treatment on what the addict tells them true or not. I may sound angry, because I am, I have reached out for help without much success. So I sit back in a prison of hell, waiting for the reaper to come and devour it’s next victim!
gailJune 28th, 2015 at 9:23 PM
Donna you sound like me! You hit the nail right on the head!!!! I have been dealing with this as well For 8 very long years. Something has to give here. This system is a joke! My daughter is going to die and I am so dysfunctional that I can’t even work and I am in sales. I wouldn’t even have the money for a funeral. I am just so frustrated!
MikeJuly 9th, 2015 at 12:21 AM
I just stumbled on this website. I’m 25 years old and my 27 year old sister is addicted to heroin and her life is pretty much ruined. I’m afraid she’s going to die I already saved her life once. She’s been to rehab once for a month and again for 6 months. Came out and was using almost immediately. It’s killing me to see her destroying herself we used to be so close. Multiple arrests and felonies my father can’t retire anymore because of all the fines. She’s agreed to rehab again but what’s that gonna do? Nothing.
LindaJuly 4th, 2015 at 2:01 PM
I’m going through the same thing, my daughter is 27 and has a 11 month old, the father is no where around and doesn’t need to be he’s a felon. My daughter moved to the state I’m in five months ago and I’ve had the baby ever since and she’s living with a man with two kids, recently I found out there moving clear across the states to live I fear for my grandchild his mother is abusing drugs bad buying off the street only weighing 80 don’t know what to do as a grandparent you have no rights, I feel so helpless!! I was told if DHS came out it always doesn’t work and if they did and she found out I’d never see him again
lizJuly 12th, 2015 at 1:56 AM
I feel for everyone going through this…i go to al-anon. It’s a process. I don’t agree with everything in the al-anon rooms. I have learned great tools in these rooms as well, but don’t believe everything they preach. I find it hard believing this is an actual disease. My husband has a disease. He is dying and can’t do anything about his real medical condition. He would love to have the choice to live a healthy life. His daughter (20) chooses to use heroin and live her life in disgrace. I say these calloused words because my wounds have become calloused. In the past I tried to fix her, save her, 3 rehabs… Thousands and thousands of dollars, trying to repair her damages… It all left me back to the same beginning.. What she calls relapse is part of recovery. I don’t agree. Maybe once.. Ok twice but if it’s a cycle then it’s a choice with the addict… I don’t see this as a disease. It’s a conscious choice to USE illegal drugs. Maybe I am passionate about this because I watch my husband suffer and waste away and we pray for his pain and his health to improve. He would do anything to stay alive but he does not have that choice. My stepdaughter chooses to consciously destroy her own life and anyone else’s life (that allows it). I have learned to create boundaries with my step daughter. If she is acting irrational, I ignore. If she asks me advise, I ask her what she thinks to try to get her brain working. I offer advise of what I would do (Which 99%) is ignored and I know this. I have learned to not have expectations with her. ( the hardest thing I have ever learned because I expect people to behave rational and honest and somewhat functional). I do not trust her. I know she is incapable of feeling selfless. I have learned to allow this to be her problem and I don’t get involved anymore because it is out of my control. It’s really difficult… But I take this day to day. This is how I survive. Her problems are now her problems not mine. Other family members have taken her in and are left feeling exhausted and disappointed asking if she can come back home. I sadly say no I’m sorry I won’t. It makes me sad because I know how they feel. It is very difficult to love someone and have to kick them out of your home. It took me a long time to not feel responsible and realizing she made these choices, she did not comply and this is her consequence. Her problems are hers. I do think sometimes what will happen to her in 5 years, what will I do when she has children? Is there anything I can do to help her stop using. It is not in my control. I can only control my own life. I hope and pray for peace for all of you. To the parents of Addict children with babies- I hope the courts allow you to have custody until your adult children stop making bad choices. God bless you.
WilliamOctober 14th, 2015 at 6:44 PM
I agree with you 100%
TinaJuly 14th, 2015 at 9:43 PM
Just need for my 20-year-old daughter who has been struggling with addiction for over 5 years, and has now found heroin. She sold her cell phone tonight for some, and is walking the streets alone. Police can’t help, because she is an adult. I can’t get the horrible thoughts out of my head, thinking she is dead in a ditch somewhere. I am just hopeless and so sad. I can’t lose her, though I know I have done my best to support her attempts at recovery. Please send some needed prayers for her safe return.
KayAugust 9th, 2015 at 1:48 PM
There with you prayers
MikeJuly 15th, 2015 at 9:24 AM
If anyone needs someone to talk to please don’t hesitate to email me I need someone there too just like everyone here..
July 19th, 2015 at
Is this for addicts or parents of addicts? I have a 21 and a 20 year old who are addicts of pills! We try not to enable them meaning no money and no tolerance! We give them a place to sleep and eat! I’m tired, I can’t do this anymore!
carolSeptember 12th, 2015 at 5:51 PM
I have 2 daughters that are addicted to pills they are 28 and 25 they have 4 kids between both of them I keep 3 and my mother keeps the baby they been on drugs for 5 to 6 years they come to my house cussing me out and fighting me and telling me they hate me I no kind of mother I’m just so tired and stressed out I don’t no what to do can any one tell me were I can go fro hear
JoleeJuly 15th, 2015 at 12:07 PM
I am leaving on Saturday for treatment in Toronto. I have been on the wait list for almost a year. This is the one opportunity I have been longing for, seems like forever. Patience has tested me, but I’m still learning it, and to be honest I am kind of scared, but really excited for this experience. I want to figure this addiction thing out once and for all, and just be happy again. It’s been so long since I’ve felt happy, or beautiful. The only thing I am scared of is when I get home, that everything will operate the same way. My family has been a big trigger for me, especially my mom. She doesn’t understand addiction very well, and has a bad memory or seems disengaged in my recovery. I know she wants me to get clean, but I feel like I am the only one that’s been doing all of the work, resourcing, and support for myself. All the people in my life have slowly stopped talking to me, my boyfriend just ignores me and doesn’t want to even see me before I go. It really hurts and makes me hurt, because it just makes me feel unimportant or unloved. Our relationship has ended, but I hope that I can overcome the codependency and attachment that is very unhealthy for my wellbeing. I’m rushing around packing my suitcase, scatter brained a bit. I know I’m going to be alright though, I just really hope that this helps me the way I want it to. :)
MelissaJuly 16th, 2015 at 8:01 AM
Initially you are the one that has to do all the work. Addiction is not easy for the addict or the addict’s family. However, you also deserve to have a good support system . Your family should be the root of that support but sometimes families who don’t understand what you’re going through tend to turn away and then you may need to look to the professionals within the treatment center for support. Also the people who are in treatment can offer a support system because they do understand. Even though I don’t know you I will say a prayer for you . Lean on God too. His strength is awesome and guidance is true. I wish you the best of luck in your recovery.
Darren HaberJuly 15th, 2015 at 9:59 PM
Thank you Jolee — and to all who take the time to write in. It means a great deal to me when you folks do so. Jolee I congratulate you on getting help and you sound like a brave soul indeed. I think you can and likely will overcome your addiction if you stay open minded and persistent. Be selfish about your recovery! As for mom she may or may not get it but don’t let that stop you from getting well. Your chances of working on the relationship improve each day you are sober. Make your recovery your priority no matter what and you’ll be surprised what you can do. I would ask your program in Toronto to help you with a discharge plan and perhaps have a temporary sponsor or counselor you can call as you’re transitioning back home so you are not simply “dropped” back where you left with no resources. Maybe someone can help you find some local counseling and/or recovery meetings so you can hit the ground running soon as you return. It can be merciless, addiction, so those of us in recovery have to stay on guard and prepared, at least in the very beginning. Best of luck to you and thanks again. It inspires me to hear of someone brave enough to face their demons!
DebbieJuly 20th, 2015 at 2:06 PM
My daughter is addicted to meth & is out on the streets. I have learned through my son’s addiction, the only answer is prayer. My son was addicted to heroin & I would pray at first that he would go get help in rehab. After all the worry & sleepless nights for way to long.. I started praying he would just go to jail… and that’s exactly what happened! he went through a program in jail & has been clean for 7 months & currently attending a out patient program. When all seems hopeless, we can never give up hope & NEVER stop praying for them. Its hard not to worry (I do a lot of it) but it always helps to remember its out of our control. I pray to God & literally picture myself lifting my kids up to him & telling him to take them & heal them because I can’t do it. There is free/low cost rehabs out there, & I have heard through a lot of stories that it doesn’t matter if you spend thousands of dollars or none at all.. if they want help, they will get it one way or another. God bless every one of you.
JoleeJuly 20th, 2015 at 5:47 PM
I am also addicted to meth. It is the hardest most devastating struggle to go through on a daily basis. The toll that it has taken on my body and health is relentless, yet somehow I keep doing it. Sometimes when I am thinking about things and start to feel bad emotions of guilt or shame I turn to the pipe to suppress the emotions. It’s only temporary relief. Saturday I went to Toronto for a rehab program, and didn’t even stay one night. I started getting anxiety when I saw all the other women out on the porch. They didn’t even say hi or anything, and everyone was sitting together. I felt alone, and I don’t know why I didn’t stay. I just want a program where I feel welcome, and that is just different for my specific needs. I don’t know if I will ever find one, but I do know that rehab doesn’t save people. Adjusting to new habits does. So I’m looking for something that I will love to do, and gives me distraction.
LouiseSeptember 28th, 2015 at 5:31 AM
Selah Freedom. Google it.
DebbieJuly 21st, 2015 at 9:20 AM
To Jolee, That is great for you to at least take that first step, that means you want out of your addiction. I pray that you will find whatever it takes to get you on your road to recovery. I watched a movie with Reese Witherspoon in it called Wild. Watch this & maybe this will inspire you to seek out your next chapter. Whenever you are feeling alone always know God is always there waiting for you, & loving you. Also there are programs out there with others fighting this same addiction.. You are very right, rehab doesn’t save you, its your fight & determination to save yourself, but surrounding yourself with positive, uplifting people is good for you. There are programs out there that are good ones, just need to find the right ones & be willing to take those steps out of yourself & into a little leap of faith. Keep fighting, don’t ever give up! this is my prayer every single day for my daughter I love with all my heart!
DeniseJuly 26th, 2015 at 11:08 PM
I thought I was lucky. My daughters both ages 37 and 27 didn’t grow up with cell phones and never had their own computers. Never subject to all of the horror stories you hear about cyber bullying, trashy web sites, etc. They were never into drugs and/or partying. I always felt blessed that I never had those worries. Recently, my oldest daughter, 37, has become victim to Meth. It took me months to come to terms with it, watching her loss of weight, job, apartment and 10 and 14 year old children. I kept saying and believing, it was just a string of bad luck even though my intuition was telling me differently. I finally opened my eyes when my youngest told me to follow my intuition, it never lies to you. Initially, I tried helping my daughter, but can also clearly see that she’s going to have to fall hard as she is still at a point where she won’t admit the drug abuse and she is the “victim” of all the bad things that come with drug abuse. Right now, I am working in Afghanistan, thought about going home, but have come to the realization there is nothing I can do there that I can’t do from here which is Pray. Not only for her, but for myself as well. For all that are going through the same hell I am feeling now, I pray for you as well.
Kendra C.August 7th, 2015 at 7:36 PM
Reading your message…Your message gave me the answer I have been struggling with…I had made plans to move to the beach (8hours) from where we live…wanted to give it a year before I just up and make a permanent move…But upon finding out about my daughter (about a week before my Mother passed away) I was conflicted as to whether I should go on with my life…But I realize the only thing I am doing here is praying…The same thing I can do anywhere in the world…now if she had a terminal disease or some other major health problem…I would be right by her side just as I was with my Mother and my Dad just 2 years ago…Life does go on and they are responsible for their decisions…
Melissa C.August 8th, 2015 at 2:15 PM
I’m glad my words helped you. I just share what my experience was with my own daughter and only hope it in some way helps other. I pray things go better for you. Prayers for your child as well. Maybe this will help also after I did what I had to do with my daughter and stepped away . She got the help she needed, moved to Nevada , met a great guy and settled herself down and blessed me with the wonderful news that she is expecting her first baby which will totally change her life once again for the better. God bless you hun.
TinaJuly 27th, 2015 at 5:47 AM
Hi, I have a 27 year old daughter that has been involved with drugs since the age of 15, I have a lot of anger towards her, she has had numerous counsellors, psychiatrists, nothing has helped. She caused a lot of problems in my marriage, my husband got very sick. We are now divorced. I have a younger daughter that is a great support for me and I try to stay strong for. The system sucks! I am in Australia, the system in the US sounds just as pathetic. The TRUTH is that unless they acknowledge they have a problem and need help, there will be no cure. They are extremely selfish, self centred people , that do NOT have any consideration for anyone except themselves, We need to look after ourselves and the other family members that are prepared to do the right thing.I am sick of the lies, the theft, the self destruction, the violence, the moods, the GREED,what gives them the right to ruin other peoples lives, people that are trying to be functioning members of society??The fact is they need to be cut off, then they MIGHT just realise that what they are doing is NOT OK!! The ONLY thing I can think to do now is pray to GOD for strength and support , leave it in his capable hands and get on with my life, and try to let her go.It has taken me a long time to realise that there is NOTHING I can do about it.
EllenDecember 5th, 2015 at 7:03 AM
Thank you. I needed to hear that. I too am struggling with a 26 year old addict. She was in rehab and was doing fine. She is in cosmetology school. But I haven’t see n her in days. She called me this morning to pick her up at a motel for school. We have guardianship of her son who she gives very little attention to. She is out and about with friends picking her up. She was in a car accident and lost her car. I was thinking about getting her another car to keep her in school. I’m afraid she will hurt some innocent people. I am tired of this. I’ve been dealing with this since she was 16. I want to stop and have her move out. She is traumatizing her son more being here and being so selfish. Thank you, ellen
ProgressAugust 1st, 2015 at 8:51 PM
Everyone on here has the same story to a degree. I have been dealing with my heroin addicted daughter who is 28 for years. She is gorgeous and comes from a great family. She has three sisters who are very good people and have gone to private schools college etc. I have racked my brain trying to figure out why this one is so intent on ruining her life. We have checked her into minimum 6 rehabs. Rehab does NOT work. Please all of you parents who can’t afford it just STOP. It is a profit center. I hate reading how there are so many parents that take loans etc to pay. I have determined the absolute only way to help is if we all get together and demand FREE help for our children. They just keep going through the system. We are raising our drug addict daughters daughter who is 10. She is a straight A student and goes to a private school.
KayAugust 9th, 2015 at 1:44 PM
I totally agree with you. We should be able to have free rehab,and if they are considered to be self destructing, we should be able to force them in rehab. But we can’t. I tried!!!
RoseSeptember 8th, 2015 at 1:25 PM
I’m one of those parents who took out a £12000 loan to put my 24 year old daughter through rehab.
It was supposed to be the most successful one.
I agree with you completely, REHAB DOES NOT WORK.
The only thing that will ever work is when the addict takes their own action to come off all the rubbish.
This may or may not ever happen but there is nothing we can do.
I have spent everything I’ve got on funding uni, rent, food, new interests,transport and holidays for my daughter, nothing changes her, I’ve tried giving her nothing and everything, she’s had friends die, still doesn’t stop her, she sells herself, does whatever for her craving.
I’m so sad, I lost her years ago, but tonight I pray for her and for all your children. X
DeeAugust 25th, 2015 at 1:36 AM
Everyone of the stories before mine are exactly what we go through with my friends daughter. It’s heartbreaking. This young woman is 21 and has been using since she was 15. I’m afraid she’s killing herself. She flatly tells you that she’s more afraid of going thru withdrawal, that she’d jut rather not. She has apparently been shooting into her carotid arteries and it takes my breath away and not in a good way. Very scary! I cannot even see the young girl I once knew in her anymore. Watching her life and dealing with her lack of respect (even for herself) is heartbreaking. She’s been in rehab various times and keeps saying she wants to go a doctor that can help her get through this, but as I’ve read from many of you, as well as seen for myself, I don’t see that happening. The best I know to do is pray. I know that may sound like not so much to you, but I know the God I serve and He loves us all. I have put her in His hands and keep my distance as she gets very violent both in words and physically. I will be praying for all of you and your sons and daughters as well. He’s the only I can think of that truly has both the power and ability to change people. May he bless each and everyone of you and keep you and your addicted child (grown or not) safe and turn their lives back on to the path He has for their lives.
mikeSeptember 8th, 2015 at 12:38 AM
Anyone know what I can do about my 21 year old daughter? I love her with all my heart and have tried everything to help her get on tract. She has a problem with pills like Xanax but also takes an antidepressant and drinks alcohol way to much. She has a son that will be 2 this month. I tried talking to her, setting boundaries and paying her bills like trailer payment, lot rent, phone bill, and electric. She keeps going back to her abusive no job having boyfriend, lying to me, and living like the old saying trailer trash. It’s gotten so bad that I can’t stand even going over there because of the trashy life style. I just found out she had gotten a dwi with my grandson in the vehicle. I try to talk to her and tell her how much I love her and try to find ways to help but it’s to the point where we just start yelling at her. I talked to the police but they say she’s an adult. I feel I’m going to loose my daughter and grandson if I don’t find professional help for her pills addiction, alcohol addiction and why she keeps going back to her abusive boyfriend. I’m at my wits end regarding stress and financially. It turns my stomach when I see how she is living but when I try to inquire all I get is I’m sick, I know, I will, and on and on. Then it turns to I don’t want to fight dad. I been catching myself saying harsh things to her out of pure fear and heart ache. If anyone out there can point me in the right Direction to get her help us help please advise.
LynnSeptember 27th, 2015 at 5:31 PM
Call DYFS and get them involved. The child, your grandson, should not be in that environment. Your daughter may need this to happen I order to hit rock bottom. Tough love is what works. This is the most loving thing you can do.
BarbaraSeptember 11th, 2015 at 10:50 AM
Wow just found this site. Most of your experiences are like mine. My 34 yr old daughter is heavy into Meth. Once a beautiful, sweet caring young lady, she is now a raving maniac from this drug. Her father and I attended Nar-Anon only to find out that there is nothing you can do for an addict. They have to want to get clean. You cannot bash yourself-the addict has made this choice. Don’t ruin your lives by throwing money into rehab because it does not work. Sometimes it works after the 2nd or 3rd time, and you will have been out thousands of dollars and devastated your own lives. It is a “Tough Love” situation. Like someone said before it’s not the addict you hate it’s the drug use. We tell our daughter we love her and suggest she get help. The Meth has made her angry, paranoid, uncaring, just a horrible person to be around. She is slowly destroying her body with cellulitis (from shooting up in her feet) and not eating for days. She does not think clearly and I am unable to carry on a conversation with her. A book has helped me tremendously, “Jesus Calling” that gives daily readings to help get through the day. We stay busy with our clubs and friends. Only our closest friends know of this situation. I am learning from everyone else’s mistakes about how to let the addict go on their own way. I also prepare myself for that time when a call comes that she has overdosed and passed. I wish there were sanitariums where all these meth addicts could go because they really don’t need to be on the street.
BarbaraSeptember 14th, 2015 at 8:40 AM
My son in law picked up my daughter at a Motel 8 with a bag full of clothes , after being dropped off there by her dealer(he is on his way to prison soon). He brought her home where we think she has not used for several days. Of course she calls but I can only text with her because her withdrawal is making her angry and ugly. After a week of this horrible behavior he has said he is going to the prosecutors office to file an involuntary committment. I had called the police (it is a fairly small city) and asked them what to do and this is what they recommended and gave me the prosecutor’s phone number. This way the police can come and carry her into a hospital for treatment. I hope he does follow through. The police have come to their house numerous times because of her violence and the neighbors have called on her too. So they have a record of her actions. My son-in-law has been incredibly patient with her which I can see as enabling her. She had a box of needles delivered to her last week. I thought you had to have a prescription to get needles. It is incredible how these addicts can manipulate the system while being on this meth. The nightmare continues.
TrenaSeptember 16th, 2015 at 3:03 PM
My Daughter is 18yrs old…she has been to several treatment centers and recently left one a day after she got there…I have not allowed her back home…but last night she called and begged me to get her a room so she had a place to sleep…after much thought I got her the room…I felt guilty not knowing if it was right to do ..but also knowing how hard it was to think of her on the streets…she is now homeless and has no where to go…I’m sure burnt bridges with everyone…I keep asking her to go back to treatment …but she doesn’t make any moves to do that herself…I’m at a loss as a parent …and really don’t know what I sold be doing for her anymore…please help any advice would be helpful….I feel like I’m going crazy
BarbaraSeptember 17th, 2015 at 10:23 AM
Trena, Just read your comments. I know it especially hard for you to go the “Tough Love” route as your daughter is only 18. But you are going to have to stop enabling her. Lay down rules that you will support her if she seeks rehab. If she does she must do the calling and talk to them. You can only keep telling her to get help and give her the numbers of services that can help. My daughter is supposed to be looking into fee free Non Profit Rehab centers where they can get a grant or work scholarship to be there. You should go at least one time to a Nar-Anon meeting where you share your experience with others. You learn that there is nothing you can do. The addict has to do it themselves. You can spend thousands of dollars and it does not help. You need to seek help for yourself, whether it be church or private counseling. All will tell you to just take it one day at a time and let go and let God lead. Get a book that gives daily readings to help you. You are not alone. We are all hurting and upset that our children have chosen to take this path. She wants you to feel sorry for her and blame you so you will help her. She’s 18 and now considered an adult. She has decided this on her own so she must figure out how to live. It finally comes down to self survival. Hers and yours. You cannot allow her to control your life. You cannot control her life. Just tell her you love her and let her figure it out. My daughter is at least looking into treatment but whether she will go or not remains to be seen. Try to be strong. You love her, not her addiction.
mbSeptember 17th, 2015 at 10:51 PM
Everyone has some good points. How are we to know that any of our children will abuse drugs. We’ve raised them to be the best they can be. To respect themselves, to work hard and that family is everything. But then suddenly our lives come to a stand still. We are crushed. We can hardly breath when we get the news that someone we love has been taken to thw e.r. for drug overdose. I know thats how i felt. The drug of my daughters choice was heroine. I was horrified. She was only 23. Yes i knew she drank alcohol and had smoked pot a few times. But not any excess that i saw. I thought this was a fluke. She tried heroine a few times and now was in the hospital. But i was wrong. She had admitted to doing heroine for over 2 years. A friend said it was the best so she tried it. That was the end. It only takes once. The kicker was she had been seeing a psychiatrist for a couple years to help with some issues she had with school. ADD,surely he would have seen some odd behavior. Especially after i contacted him with some concerns i had. Well my daughter agreed to rehab and an injection called “vivetrol” which was supposed to help with the addiction. If she tried to drink or use it would block the effects of alcohol or drugs. She hated rehab but pushed through. They did mention in rehab that its not unusual for people to go through rehab a couple of times. My daughter was clean for 18 months. We were so proud of her. Blamed ourselves, how could we have been so blind for 2 years! But focused only on the future. Got her to move back home and she dumped the boyfriend that was a huge problem for her all around. Things were looking good. She had some court things over her head dui and stuff from when she was with this guy. This was bringing her down so she started talking with a therapist. My daughter liked her and her all natural approach. She was exercising every day though having a hard time getting a job. She started with alcohol again. Stopped exercising. She does not have a car and we do not let her drive our cars or give her money. Yet she was going out every night with friends. She was caught steeling from us. Money and jewelry. My husband confronted her and she ended the conversation saying she just may not come home that night. That was 4 days ago. I have no idea where she is staying or if she is alive. It’s killing me. I called her psychiatrist and told him I didn’t know what was going on with my daughter. Was she using again or self medicating. (I should mention that he put her on a new medication with her already 2 other ones, just a week prior). Asked him for some advice since i was at a loss. He had his receptionist call me to say he can’t disclose any information and if I’m concerned call 911 ! Seriously? That’s his advice? Which brings me to the conclusion that we are on our own. Apparently some doctors don’t give a crap. I was belittling his treatment in any way. I was expecting him to say “look, here’s some resources for you” “try this or that”. Instead I’m told if there’s a problem call 911. Does rehab work? Yes i believe it does. But addiction is a life long battle. And out patient follow up is important. I read an article in the paper over the weekend about the rise of homeless people. The numbers were astronomical. All with some sort of addiction. And majority of them between the ages of 18 and 25. How is this possible. With so much money being wasted on foolish things and all the money the usa is giving away to other countries why are we not helping our people here in our own country. I’ve tried to do as much reading as i can on addiction and depression, anxiety and the brain and have found that some people are predisposed to these things because of the way the chemicals in their brain react. Some people can drink and not have an issue. Others will take one sip and they’re hooked. Yes ultimately our loved ones made the decision to take the 1st sip. The 1st smoke. The 1st pill. But i don’t believe their goal was to become an addict. Our family members, our friends, had something a little askew inside their brain that pushed them over the edge. An irregularity of sort. We know these people for who they really are. The beauty of their sole. They are the love of our life. It is heart breaking for us to go on with our lives knowing that they are lost, helpless, and being destroyed by these drugs. But we cant give up. Not on ourselves and especially not on them. If a loved one had diabetes because their pancreas wasn’t working or some other illness we wouldn’t give up on them. So we can’t give up on our sons or daughters because they may have a chemical imbalance or something in their brain. We need to keep encouraging them, telling them that we love them and that we are there for them and will help them. We will pray for them daily because one day (god willing) we will have them back. And we will be thankful that we didn’t give up on them. Please people, dont give up hope. I’m not. Even though I’m crying every day because i don’t know where my daughter is i just can’t stop hoping and praying. I also hope that the world sees they need to help these people too. And not ignore them.
nicoleSeptember 28th, 2015 at 11:21 AM
I’m so sorry…I’m in sort of same issue my daughter is on heroin, just got arrested for prostitution to help her habit..she don’t want to get help and I’m having a breakdown over this all, I don’t know what to do..I’m helpless
sylviaOctober 19th, 2015 at 2:40 PM
remember that you are not alone – just started reading these comments and it helps to see other parents going through the same trouble as me
sylviaOctober 19th, 2015 at 2:44 PM
I love this part of your message – They are the love of our life. It is heart breaking for us to go on with our lives knowing that they are lost, helpless, and being destroyed by these drugs. But we cant give up. Not on ourselves and especially not on them. If a loved one had diabetes because their pancreas wasn’t working or some other illness we wouldn’t give up on them. So we can’t give up on our sons or daughters because they may have a chemical imbalance or something in their brain. We need to keep encouraging them, telling them that we love them and that we are there for them and will help them. We will pray for them daily because one day (god willing) we will have them back. And we will be thankful that we didn’t give up on them. Please people, dont give up hope. I’m not. Even though I’m crying every day because i don’t know where my daughter is i just can’t stop hoping and praying.
JoleeOctober 19th, 2015 at 6:39 PM
I really like your message. My family is very judgemental and unsupportive, even when I was seeking treatment. It is hard to know that my family isn’t there when I need them. I get treated differently and looked down upon. Sometimes it’s hard for me to feel the love from them, and it’s just a cold negative disconnect feeling. And honestly it makes me use more because I don’t like the way it makes me feel.
So thank you for posting this.
carolOctober 19th, 2015 at 7:41 PM
I’m writing because I don’t feel like I’m no help to know one my daughter overdosed 2 weeks ago and still getting high I just don’t know what to do anymore I’m a lost parent that loves her children
ChristinaNovember 8th, 2015 at 3:47 AM
It’s hard for me to know that my son feels the same way.But I am worn out..I keep telling him we do care or he would be on the street. Which is close.His choices in life have ruined my chances to be be happy. We havw helped and helped and helped..But now after many years ( hes 34) living rent free all this time.any way we have relized help isnt helping..I will always love him but as a person I dont like him much. And I know he feels that. Just very sad.
J LasaOctober 23rd, 2015 at 12:19 PM
We ( The families and all concerned) need to get together to start a movement. We all need to be the next million man, woman and child and demand that Washington change laws to enable families and loved ones to have remedies to force help to our addicted. Washington also needs to toughen laws to dealers even the smaller dealers. There is no benefit to hear over and over that we have to wait until the addicted are ready to get help. I would say that most will die before they want help. Most of them shut people out of their lives and then don’t have the ability to even know where to go for help. I discovered the hard way that any worth while rehab costs Thousands of Dollars each month
sylviaOctober 23rd, 2015 at 8:33 AM
I keep coming to this sight out of desperation myself, it makes me feel better to know that there are other parents dealing with the same issues that I am and that I’m not alone Carol I hope you read this message and are a believer because this is the only thing that has been getting me through the last 3 years. My daughter met and evil man on Facebook and left home when she was 18, they cannot live together and cannot stay apart. They do drugs and fight all the time. To keep it short we’ve been through hell and back. Late nights, counseling, rehab, police, court, stealing, you name it, we’ve been there and the emotional roller coaster that come along with it. You have to give your child to God and remember that she is not yours, she is his, she was only yours to borrow for a short time. God has a purpose and a plan for her life and she is going to have to figure it out for herself. I know it’s easy to say but killer to do, even as I’m typing these words I can feel your pain. Put your daughter in God’s hands (Let go and Let God) because there is only so much that we can do as parents. I’ve been reading all these messages and agree 100%, we raise our kids the best that we can and then we have to let them figure out the rest themselves. You cannot make you child/adult child do anything they don’t want to, they must want it for themselves. Sometimes, depending on the situation, we can offer shelter and food and love but really that’s all, they have to want it. I’m telling you since I picked up my daughter on the side of the road Sunday, while I’ve been working she’s been sleeping all day and doing who know ‘s what at night. I just pray for God to give me the strength to get through it (I don’t know what to say or do or not do most of the time). I woke up this morning and she is gone again. I know she is with him and they do drugs and fight and hopefully she will be home again. In the meantime I pray to God to keep them both safe. He is the only way I have been able to get through it. Kills my soul every day. Single mom, only child, did all I could and now she has to figure it out. I hope this helps you.
I pray for you and all of us lost parents!!!!
carolOctober 23rd, 2015 at 12:43 PM
I want to thank you so much reading this has gave me hope and God bless you to
J LasaOctober 23rd, 2015 at 10:24 AM
My 28 year old son entered detox and rehab recently after his girlfriend died from a heroin overdose. I hopefull that he makes the most of it but he’s got the rest of his life to battle this disease. The laws are not on the side of the family to get help for their loved ones. This country is doing just about nothing to get all this poison off our streets. I contacted my congressman even but he never called back. NO government officials ever start any bills tohelp the addicted or to get these dealers in jail. I’d like to see a movement in from of the nations capital
sylviaOctober 26th, 2015 at 3:18 PM
I heard about a great book that might be helpful. It was on Soulful Sunday with Oprah and I guess it’s a book on her list but the author and a family was on the show. I didn’t see it all but it was very powerful because the premise of the book is really about dealing with things that you cannot change. The name of the book is Broken Open: How Difficult Times Can Help Us Grow by Elizabeth Lesser. I’m not a big reader but I’m willing to try anything to keep my sanity at this point. My daughter texted me today that she needs food and is living in her and her boyfriends car. Maybe one day they will get sick of doing drugs and fighting all the time. I pray God will fill me with his love.
BarbaraOctober 28th, 2015 at 1:51 PM
I agree with J Lasa that the Govt. doesn’t care about any of these addicts or mentally ill people. In fact they are early- releasing most of those convicted of drug dealing and possession so that there will be even more of these abusers and pushers on the street. As a parent I tried to have my daughter go to rehab but I could not do it, she had to do it. Since she is married I begged her husband to get her committed but he has gone to counseling and the counseler said if the only way you can get along with her is to help her use and get drugs then do what is best for you. This is all so crazy that finally you begin to shut down and just say it is what it is, and let go and let God. I am at the point that it is survival of the fittest and I want to survive and my daughter will have to want to survive and get help on her own. She actually behaves like the devil has taken over her mind. She is paranoid and thinks someone is listening in to all our conversations and following her. She won’t go out anywhere except to get drugs. She tells me I am the worst mother ever. We always end our conversations by hanging up on each other as they escalate into verbal abuse. Long ago we put these people in institutions for life without their permission, but we are much more advanced now and there has to be some solution for them. Almost all of the shooters of these mass killings are mentally ill and have used drugs. But unless they consent to treatment they remain on the street. I look back now and realize that my daughter had mental problems from the 6th grade and even though I took her to therapy and hoped that after puberty things would get better they didn’t. She begged to go to parties because everyone was doing it and it was harmless then later I find she was using ecstasy, and pot and xanax. I kept getting her drug tested and she tested clean. Now I find there are ways to get around drug testing. Then the alcohol use started along with ADD drugs which she was diagnosed with. Now she is just brain fried and on meth. She does not want help, She says she doesn’t believe in Jesus and that her husband is her God. We are having to cut all ties to them both. If she decides to go to detox and rehab then we can see her again and start to build a new relationship.
DonnaNovember 17th, 2015 at 4:05 PM
My daughter past away August 22, 2015 from drug abuse . I was going through this for 13 years. She had depression very bad. If I can help 1 person,,and speak out on this epidemic, I will feel a little better. There’s not no one that can tell you, everything thing will be OK, because right now it’s not. Need some help right now.
November 17th, 2015 at
Thank you for your comment. We are very sorry to hear of your loss. If you would like to reach out to a therapist or counselor, you can find one in your area by entering your ZIP code here:
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carolDecember 26th, 2015 at 7:29 PM
I’m just reading this I’m so sorry to hear this my daughter overdose 2 months ago but they gave her something and she came back to us but the drug use has got worse then it was I don’t no what to say to you but I’m so sorry I’m hoping you can help me I have two children on drugs and my oldast has bi polar and want get help for that either so if I could ask you to please tell me what I could do anything would help and I have 4 grandchildren in all of this tragedy I’m so lost
Betty GDecember 30th, 2015 at 9:13 AM
My name is Betty,I don’t know just how you feel and I can’t say I understand.But I can say God is able to do the impossible .How do you know Betty ? Because there is nobody like him and no power on earth can do for you what the power of God can. Donna pray and tell The SonOf God just what you tell your listeners he hear you . be Blessed
Darren HaberNovember 18th, 2015 at 7:40 AM
Hi Donna, I also wanted to say I’m so very sorry to hear about your daughter. I can’t imagine. I encourage you to reach out for help — al-anon, community or other spiritual or religious support, counseling and so on. I think you have an important message to carry about this horrible affliction. I have lost loved ones as well and I know how merciless addiction can be. My heart goes out to you.
sylviaNovember 25th, 2015 at 7:57 AM
This time of year is so hard for all of us parents going this with our grown children – Thoughts and prayers for us all!!!!!
carolNovember 25th, 2015 at 10:23 AM
Thank you and same to you and your family. I hope you can enjoy the holidays
MishaDecember 2nd, 2015 at 7:47 PM
I have a 27 year old drug addict daughter. The past several years have been hell for her and for our family. We have tried everything from rehab, throwing her out of our house, showing up at places we really shouldn’t have gone to. I believe she actually hit rock bottom this past weekend, she passed out while driving and hit two parked cars, flipping her vehicle. She came out of the accident with a bump on her head and was arrested for possession of meth and 3 other charges. She has been released from jail, she now has zero money, zero job, zero car and zero cell phone and is basically homless. We let her come back to our house, not sure if it’s going to be a mistake, can’t find a rehab center to take her with pending drug charges and state provided health insurance. We are hoping for court appointed rehab in place of jail. bottom line is you can’t control their behavior or drug use, they have got to want to change it.
KayDecember 4th, 2015 at 2:53 PM
My daughter is 35 and is addicted to cocaine. :( Funny thing is, she possesses two master degrees, has a 4 year old daughter, was unfaithful to her husband, lives in a bigger house than me…I thought she was successful in life but come to find out, she’s struggling with drug addiction.
Kicker to this story is that I had a drug addiction for 15 years. Everything said about your daughters, I WAS that exactly to my mom. I know better than to send money and I am careful to never scold her for telling me that she’s getting high. On the other hand, I’m crying and so fearful for her. I want so badly to cure her but know that the wanting to come clean comes from inside.
I feel for everyone’s pain, I hear my mom’s voice talking when you speak for your daughters and hear my voice overlaying that too. Such an odd sensation, to have been part of the problem and now watching my daughter go thru the same. :(
December 4th, 2015 at
Thank you for sharing. We are sorry to hear of what seems to be a difficult time for you. The GoodTherapy.org Team is not qualified to offer professional advice, but if you would like to seek the support of a therapist or counselor, please know you can search for one using our website. To find a list of mental health professionals in your area, simply enter your ZIP code here:
If you would like to encourage your daughter to seek help or therapy, you may be able to explore ways to do so with a therapist or counselor. We wish you the best of luck.
The GoodTherapy.org Team
carolDecember 6th, 2015 at 7:28 PM
I’m sorry to hear about your daughter. I really don’t no where to start I have 2 daughters on drugs and they don’t seem to want to stop doing them my oldest is 28 and she has bipolar and uses drugs of all kind my youngest is 25 and does drugs to I don’t understand I never did drugs I gave my kids everything possible of having so where did I go wrong as a mother I’m so lost and there are 4 babies in all of this tragedy
Ana C.December 26th, 2015 at 6:13 PM
I know and understand. I have a 32 yr old daughter that has been using drugs for a long time. She was in the navy and went AWAL after meeting a young man, things did not work well between them both, but they had a little girl. She was on her own for a while and had two other girls, but they got taken away and were placed for adoption. She came back home asking for help sine she was pregnant again, but I found her using crack so I asked her to leave 7 months pregnant. Eventually she sold the baby for 500 and I was able to rescue my little granddaughter. I have a hard time letting go, she is on the streets homeless and prostituting. So lost…
carolDecember 26th, 2015 at 7:23 PM
I’m so sorry my grandson was born addicted to drugs it’s so hard for me to even look at my kids I just wonder where did I go wrong and will this ever stop they don’t don’t care about there self are no one else all they care about are the drugs me and my oldest daughter got in a argument the other night and she told me help me then I said ok let’s go to rehab when I said that she said I’m not going there and just got her stuff and left so what can I do I guess just sit hear and stress about them are until they go to jail because I no they be stealing and doing what ever for drugs
Ana n.December 27th, 2015 at 4:09 AM
Thank you carol for responding. My biggest fear is I will get notified she was found dead. I know she gets beat up and raped even though she prostitutes. I cannot bring to live with me , she gets violent , has forged my checks, and I still have a 17 yr old I have to protect along with my 4 yr old granddaughter now. She also has schizophrenia and is bipolar. Always going on about the voices. I feel there is no help out there, really feel she needs to be placed in a mental health/detox program. She was in one for two months offered her a one year halfway housing program, but she did not want to stay. She gets ssa and that money is gone in less than 3 days. Disheartened mom,
sylviaDecember 8th, 2015 at 2:02 PM
I actually have some good news I want to share with the group to show there can be sometimes “light” in this whole situation. My daughter has been home a few weeks, she has gone walking to look for a job and she actually has been hired and will be starting tomorrow. She is still talking to her boyfriend who has actually been the beginning of this nightmare that I can’t wake up from (ever since she met him 3 years ago on the internet she has been going down hill). Anyway I know this is going to have to be up to her, she says that she doesn’t want to keep living in the car and don’t want to keep living this life. I guess only time will tell. Cautiously optimistic. And to Carol regarding your last statement, there is nothing that you did wrong. All you can do is your best as a parent and the rest is up to them. Stop blaming yourself!!!!!
HarryDecember 12th, 2015 at 7:12 AM
I have a 23 year old daughter that graduated college. She is a school teacher. She met this guy moved in with him. I found out he was abusing her verbally. I went to the apartment and found drugs. I packed her things and threw everyone out. She hated me for awhile but I didn’t care. Now 3 months later I found heroin in her room with a straw. I flushed it down the toilet. When she got home I asked her if we can talk. She stormed out of the house and haven’t seen her since. It’s been a day but seems for ever.
She won’t take help. All I do is tell her I love her every day. Don’t k ow what to do any more
December 15th, 2015 at
My daughter started abusing substances when she was 12 she is now 32 and has an off on relationship with heroin … She has a beautiful little daughter aged 3 who is with foster parents as my husband and I are to old ..my daughter sees her little one twice a week though recently we think she may be using again so she is being tested weekly again .. We get to see the Wee one once a fortnight and no longer have contact with her mum I cry as I write this for she is my girl and my heart has been broken into a complete breakdown a year ago … I am in recovery for 17 years now adaat thank god I could never of gotten through this .. I live in Scotland and my daughter is getting lots of help as am I …but this addiction is relentless .. We are aware that the Wee one may go for adoption which means we may never see her again but it has to be what’s good for Imogen and if that time comes we will have to let go with love
sylviaDecember 16th, 2015 at 1:26 PM
As it gets closer to the holiday I keep all of us in my thoughts and prayers. I am still reading my book Broken Open by Elizabeth Lesser and I really suggest this to anyone that is going a hard time. This book has given me peace when I didn’t think I couldn’t find peace. “Accept was is” and “Release what was” It’s called the Choiceless Choice and it’s my new daily reminder. Also “A broken heart is not the same sadness. Sadness occurs when the heart is stone cold and lifeless. On the contrary, there is an unbelievable amount of vitality in a broken heart”. I know it’s easy to say but it’s harder to live and tough love is another big bullet to bite. Lots of prayers.
Darren H.December 27th, 2015 at 1:52 PM
Thank you all for your comments and feedback. My heart goes out to you who have loved ones struggling with this merciless illness. I would urge those parents or family of addicted loved ones to seek their own support via Al-anon, online peer support or counseling. Addiction is a hurricane that leaves quite a bit of wreckage in its wake and I hope you find some peace of mind. I have lost loved ones, and clients to this disease and I know how horrific it is. But taking action of some kind, any kind, can alleviate suffering in that you are doing something, and you can find you are not alone. Finding kinship in the dark night of addiction can help. Thanks again, I am humbled and moved by the outpouring of emotion in these posts.
sylviaDecember 28th, 2015 at 12:34 PM
Well hope that we all made it through the holidays. It’s been a little trying for me, thought my daughter was doing a little better but we ended up in the ER on Sunday. Luckily this time she did not have anything broken only a sprain foot. Her and he drug addict boyfriend got into a fight as usual after they spend all the money on drugs and he threw her out of the car. I just try to give her home and shelter and she has been working so I thought things were going better but it just seems to be a horrible, vicious cycle. I just keep praying for her and putting her in God’s hands. Can’t bare the pain. Trying to get on with my life and make some major choices and it hurts me so bad to see her doing so badly. Keep telling myself, One day at a time and God is in control. I hate drugs, I just know in my heart they are the work of Satan himself. Destroy so many people and families, hate them they are horrible!
DebbieDecember 31st, 2015 at 10:29 AM
My son was using pills/heron for about 5 years. I was completely devastated & finally had to come to the decision there was nothing I could do but pray for God’s miracles. My son’s addiction can spiraling out of control & one night he walked out in front of a car.. walk away with a broken collar bone. ( he now believes he might have done this on purpose to end his life) with a broken collar bone & violating his probation, he spent 6 months in jail & went through a drug program in there. He now has been involved in another program since getting out of jail & I’m so thankful to say he will be 1 year sober this month! What worked for us? Prayer! I am so thankful today I have my son back, watching him grow into this wonderful person is amazing! Don’t give up hope, & never stop praying for them!
carolDecember 31st, 2015 at 11:27 AM
Thank you so much for the comment it gives me some kind of hope and yes I’ve prayed and I’ve put in God’s hands
ThereseJanuary 1st, 2016 at 12:52 PM
My daughter is 22 and has a heroin problem. She recently got arrested. I was wondering if anyone has had luck with Vivitrol for their child. She claims that when she gets out of jail that she is ready for the shot.
JohnnyJanuary 8th, 2016 at 5:30 PM
A friend of mine had a 30 yr herion addiction. He was hooked hard and would do anything for more. He went to treatment and he was able to kick the habit through subboxion ( spelling is wrong ) if taken as prescribed, it is a very useful tool to get off of herion
JaniceJanuary 21st, 2016 at 9:56 PM
My son was on it for a month and then they took him off of it because of liver complications he was having. That’s all I can tell you.
JoleeJanuary 9th, 2016 at 1:58 PM
Is there something that can help with methamphetamines addiction in terms of treatment? If they use methadone and subboxin for opiate addiction, is there something that can aid in meth recovery??
BetteJanuary 10th, 2016 at 5:17 PM
I just found this blog. My daughter is an alcoholic. She is 36. I have her living in my home in Oregon while my husband and I live in Florida. She has had 3 back surgeries so is on pain meds. She is very careful with them. Her 19 yr old son OD a year ago. She drinks vodka like its water then she quits sometimes having a seizure during detox. She good for a while then something sets her off and the cycle repeats. She is a single mom of my 16 year old Grandaughter lives with her her 19 year old son died last year of a perscription drug overdose. Since then she has been touch and go. It breaks my heart I have actually been considering going back on antidepressants I took ten years ago when my husband died of ALS. I honestly don’t know what to do to help her if she won’t admit to it. Just lies to me and makes excuses. She has a good heart. She doesn’t party just sits home nby herself and drinks straight vodka till she passes out.
sylviaJanuary 12th, 2016 at 9:00 AM
Bad choices, Bad Decisions, over and over and over again. Honestly it’s so frustrating to see someone that you love and wanted so much for in life to keep making the same mistakes over and over again. The scariest part is that you have to brace yourself for the next phone call with bad news. Just needed to vent today because the most difficult part is that you cannot control someone else’s actions but I think it’s most difficult when it’s you child. The one that you raised and taught them better and wanted better and sacrificed everything in your own life for. How can someone that you love so much hurt themselves so much with the bad choices and bad decisions and bad people they want to associate with when they deserve so very much better!!!!
SunnyJanuary 14th, 2016 at 3:21 PM
My 29 year old daughter is a person I don’t know anymore. I have been taking care of my granddaughter for almost a year. She steals, lies and uses my granddaughter if I don’t give her what she wants. She hit me in the face yesterday and police did nothing. She has no job and is trying to take my grandchild to the worst neighborhood in the state. She has left my granddaughter with people who don’t like her and tried to get her jumped! My hands are tied and my granddaughter is suffering. Tried to get custody but court said its not their jurisdiction even though she has been living with me for 6 months in another state. She makes up vicious lies to anyone who will listen and I’m starting to get afraid because she deals with thugs and God only knows what they can do. I am so lost and afraid. My boyfriend is sick of her and I can tell it’s just a matter of time before he tells me to leave.
MichJanuary 17th, 2016 at 10:51 AM
Hi all.I am so worried about my sister in law who is addicted to drugs , she has a two year old and they have moved in with my inlaws she has struck up a relation ship with a dangerous guy. There is a warrant out for his arrest they both stay up stairs while my inlaws take care of their grand daughter and their puppy. None of the family will visit as we all have kids and dont want them around in this situation we stay hours away anyway. This is am.awful situation for them as they are afraid if they call the police their daughter will flee with the grand daughter , feel so stuck right now and totally broken hearted for the whole family
sylviaFebruary 2nd, 2016 at 8:15 AM
Things had settled down for me for a while I guess you could call it, my daughter was home for a while and working even though her sick boyfriend who beats her (has almost killed her a couple of times) and has her hooked on some kind of drugs would come to pick her up every chance he got. I let her stay there because at least I knew she where she was and that she was safe at home but I can’t deal with it anymore, the constant coming in and out and taking him my food and water and borrowing money or cigarettes to take to him and to feed him. He is 10 years older than my 22 yr old daughter and He makes me sick. I dread the day she met him 3 years ago. It has been hell. She was such a good kid with a bright future and I know that God still has great plans for her life but all of this is so unbearable. To see the kid that raised and loved so much with all your heart and life too just sit back and watch her destroy herself and her life. Outstanding tickets and license and pregnancy tests and drugs and pissed off moods at me and my family. I just can’t deal with it anymore so I’ve asked her to leave. I’ve heard of tough love and I guess this is it but damn not sure if I can stand it. I’m probably drinking more than I should since this happened but I never drank or did drugs around her growing up and we stayed in church. I just don’t know what happened or understand why she has to go through this. I know that this is her life and her path but it is so hard to throw her out and let her hit rock bottom, My story is like so many others, you just never think it will happen to you or your kid. I love her but I refuse to enable her to continue to destroy her life. I’m done and throwing her out, I don’t know what I will do tomorrow but this is what I need to do today.
Lori B.February 24th, 2016 at 8:02 AM
We have been dealing with on again off again drug problems for 11 years. After all we’ve been through, especially in the past two years I can say with total conviction that offering a drug addict help when they’re ready will never work. Maybe 1 in 100 people. When its in your face and as a parent can’t take it anymore it’s out the door or drug rehab. Now, they can fake their way through a 30 day rehab and go straight back to drugs. In our case, Heroin was the DOC. We finally thought we found salvation in Suboxone only to find that when an addict is still in the mind of an addict they’ll find a way. Suboxone was distributed once a week. Little did we know Suboxone is a hot commodity on the streets. He used it to sell and by heroin. Unless they are receiving this on a day by day basis being watched taking it, there’s no guarantee they’re taking it at all. They drug test occasionally. He always had someone else’s urine available. Why wasn’t there a nurse standing there to visually see the urine leave his body? You can’t distribute something like Suboxone on a weekly basis to someone who is physically and mentally ill. That’s crazy. At least Methadone is distributed daily in front of someone. Now we did rapid detox a few years ago and started him on Vivatrol shots. They can be given once a month and block the receptors so that if they use there are no highs. It’s outrageously epensive and after four months we couldnn’t afford it anymore. He started using again. You can’t send an addict to rehab for 30 measly days and think they are fixed. Their brain is damaged. Physically they’re clean but their brain is still screaming get the drug, get the drug. People need intreatment for at least 90 days (which is almost impossible to find or pay for) and given a drug that will block the receptors for the crave of Heroin or whatever the DOC is. Then they need several more months like a halfway house and still getting constant counseling and accountability wtih drug testing. There is no quick fix. The mind must be healed and this could take years. They system needs to make these people stay in rehab or sober living for up to two years if necessary with constant counseling and treatment and drug testing done. Hopefully by the end of two years of mental treatment and counseling as well as staying drug free, their brain has had time enough to heal and really be able to kick it. I can’t say enough, longterm treatment is the only option. I believe a good two years of it. My son thinks he’s in rehab for 30 days but the plan is 90 days and then into a halfway houses for another 90 days and hopefully have the knowledge and healing of his brain to be able to say no more drugs. I still don’t feel this is long enough but until our government starts putting in place laws to help addicts, not just short-term but very long term it’s just going to be a circle of destruction over and over again. We shouldn’t have to “wait” until an addict is ready for rehab, they are mentally ill as much as they are physically ill. They should be forced into treatment and treated with Vivatrol or Suboxone (only daily with a witness to see it taken) and then given a very long term treatment plan to heal the mind. The mind is so messed up and not working right, long-term is the only hope for anyone as far as I am concerned and what we’ve lived with and witnessed over the years.
sylviaFebruary 25th, 2016 at 1:23 PM
Just like the roller coaster that is my daughter’s life, she is back home for now. What I don’t understand is when is she going get tired of living like this???? I pray that when she does finally get tired of this that it will not be too late. While she was gone we found pregnancy tests, letter in the mail that her licence was revoked due to multiple tickets that were probably never paid either in TX or out of state, letters from the bank for forged checks, I don’t know if she realized it in the state of mind that she is in but she is very likely to end up in prison and then she will really never see him again. I don’t know why or where or if she can even think clearly anymore and maybe she doesn’t want to but all I know is that you can’t help someone that doesn’t want to help themselves. You can love your child till death and it could very well be the death of me as I’ve been getting ill due to my nerves shot (Shingles) very early age of 46 but that’s what happens when you just worry all the time and there is nothing you can do. I know that God is in control and I have faith that she will see the light one day.
LillianMarch 1st, 2016 at 2:17 PM
Sylvia I feel your pain. Also all the other parents who have commented. My daughter is 27 years old and has attempted suicide 3 times. she smokes pot which is legal in Seattle but she smokes it around her daughter. Family has reported the issues. Her boyfriend gave her a serious STD. She bailed on her student loans of 100,000 and stuck her dad, cosigner with them. Her last suicide attempt, we spent thousands in hotel, airfare and rental car to try to reach her, ask her to come home, go into rehab, get her life together. She’s a smart girl but the drugs have fried her brain. I also caught her in lies. She asks me for money for carfare and I’ve sent it, to find out she has an app that lets her cheat the system and get the car rides for free. I tried for 14 years to deal with this and last week, I knew I was done. I have gone no contact with my daughter. I can’t free her from these issues with drugs. My therapist tells me that just like on an airplane you need to put the oxygen mask on yourself before helping the child, so it is with this situation. This has affected my entire family and we’re worn out. The others don’t want to go no contact, but they are not giving her any money and they’re watching carefully. Since I’ve been the “warrior at the forefront” to pull her back, unsuccessfully, I’m wiped out. with all this money gone, her calling me profane names, and spending all her money on drugs while she has lived on our funds, we’re done with that. so painful. but I reflect on the serenity prayer. I will not help her if I enable her. She’s on her own til she gets off the drugs.
MelissaMarch 1st, 2016 at 6:12 PM
I would so love to share a success story with you to give you some kind of hope. I wrote to this blog in 2014-15 because I was at the end of my rope on what to do about my daughter’s drug addiction. She had started with pills in her teens and then graduated into heroin and then to get off the pills she started doing meth. She was hooked on that real bad for quite sometime and I had to come to terms with the fact that I couldn’t help her because at that point she didn’t want nor felt she needed help.Then after several tribulations that came into her life in many negative ways . She finally decided to get clean and went to rehab completed that and then moved clear across the country. This occurred in April 2015. She is now doing very well for herself , holding down a job , Maintaining her own apartment and above all she has been clean almost a year and after years of trying to have a baby to no prevail. She is now expecting her first baby in April 2016. Mom and baby are doing well. Hope this story gives you some hope for your own daughters. I consider her as a success story. I am very grateful and excited about the arrival of my new grandson. No matter how hard it may be you have to remember that you can’t help them until they make that decision to help themselves . If you try to force help upon them it will usually push them deeper into their addiction. May God bless you .
sylviaMarch 2nd, 2016 at 8:25 AM
Thank you so much for your responses. I know it sounds weird but just reading these postings helps me feel better, guess cause it helps me realize that I’m not alone. I have gone to therapy before but now that it’s 3 years later I know exactly what they are going to tell me and what I need to do…tough love and she has to want the help and you can’t help someone that doesn’t want the help. I heard it all before over and over but when it’s your child that you carried and you created and your raised ( that God let me borrow) I have to keep reminding myself that she is not mine and she is a child of God and that he will have to keep her safe and guide her steps because there is nothing that I can do besides pray, pray, pray. Thanks again for your comments and I get frustrated but I will never give up hope and never give up faith!!!!
GrammaRhonMarch 16th, 2016 at 1:31 PM
I feel all of your pain … I’m dealing with a drug addicted daughter as well. The first bout was when she was around 16 .. meth .. her dad moved her away but she just found more of the same where they moved. She didn’t talk to me for a whole year and I got a call one night and went and picked her up .. she stayed clean for about 7 years and has a beautiful 3 year old, the love of my life! Well, she got back into it a year and a half ago when she was living in Calgary on her own, moved home in July, and I’ve been in the trenches with her ever since with both her mental health and her addiction. We’re closer than we’ve ever been. She got a job at a law firm, but lost that a couple weeks ago as she kept showing up late … she’s back into drugs … she told me only twice in 3 weeks but I don’t believe her. She actually asked if I would look after my granddaughter while she went to detox but my husband said no, and now I’m not hearing from her at all. She just posted on facebook that she has no phone anymore .. I’m just so worried and so concerned for that little girl .. I’ve had to have child and family services and the police involved in the last couple of years .. I thought this was all behind us! I love both of them so much and it scares me when I don’t hear from here .. I feel like I’m going to hear she’s od’d …
PamApril 9th, 2016 at 10:12 AM
I have read all your blogs, and I think that al-anon might be the answer for us to vent, if we can find one near our little town. My daughter is 35 and still lives at home. There are 4 generations living under one roof with my mom being the oldest. She is 84. To have her go thru all of this, along with me and my gd is heartbreaking. We have given her a soft place to fall for many years. Mainly because of her child. We don’t want her in the system or have to go to her dad’s, who abuses drugs and is a jailbird. He never pays child support, and has hardly anything to do with my gd. She has been to detox, I think she goes just for the Subs. She hangs out with the same people who she did drugs when she leaves. (it’s only a 3 day detox) which in my opinion isn’t long enough. I have been the primary caregiver of my gd since she was 2 m/o. She uses here in the house, has hardly anything to do with her child (if gd wants to spend any time with her mom, she has to go to her room since she never comes out). Her mom has got her so stressed out, and she’s only 4! She’s is always verbally abusive to her, and gd comes out of her room crying all the time. She is so attached to me, I can’t leave her sight. I recently found her stash of needles) I am between a rock and a hard place. She is so abusive to her grandmother, she has stolen her debit card, will stand over me and mom with her fist raised over our heads, yells, moody all the time, manipulates, plays the victim card all the time and threatens to take gd and live somewhere else, all the while my gd is crying because her mom is yelling and telling me that she doesn’t want to go with her. She had another child taken from her for neglect several years ago. I don’t want my gd to suffer anymore.
SylviaApril 9th, 2016 at 3:16 PM
Pam, my thoughts and prayers are with you.
DebbieApril 11th, 2016 at 10:05 AM
Pam, my heart goes out to you & your family. Your daughter will continue with this behavior until she wants to get herself help. There is nothing you will be able to do to help her, except for you to get her out of your home & protect the rest of your family. I know its not easy & believe me I’ve been right where you are. I helped my son many times during his addiction to heroin. let him stay with us, he busted our doors down to steal money from us & many other things. I finally had to say enough!! I first starting praying he would get help, but that finally turned into praying he would just get locked up…. and he did! after 6months in jail & going thru a treatment program in jail & also a program since he’s been out of jail.. I’m thankful to say my son has been clean for 15 months! Tough love is hard, but it is a must!
Melissa C.April 17th, 2016 at 1:49 PM
I would also like to announce that my daughter delivered a healthy 9 lb 3oz baby boy on April 5, 2016 . Mother and baby are doing great. I am very proud of my daughter’s success at overcoming her addiction. She has come a long way and is enjoying living the positive side of life. I wanted to share this with those who are either still struggling in their own addiction to possibly give hope to them. You gotta want to change wholeheartedly. To the families who are still dealing with a loved one in addiction, I pray for you everyday and know there is hope out there for your loved one. Prayers and asking for lots of guidance from God has been key factors for me in helping my daughter to achieve her goal of staying clean and sober.
sylviaApril 18th, 2016 at 8:22 AM
Congrats and it’s a relief to hear good news.
DebbieMay 30th, 2016 at 6:55 PM
I, too, have an addict child. Seems to me we love them too much! I look around and see the ahole parents seem to have the well adjusted kids. I cant help but feel I missed something in the child rearing dept. Thoughts?
LeeMay 30th, 2016 at 8:17 PM
I’m sure you did not miss a thing. I am convinced at this point that people grow up and do what they want. It’s who they perceive themselves to be. No matter how you dress someone up in the end who they are will shine through. Selfish behavior , blaming you I’m sure and it’s all about them. If you look back can’t you see that her whole life?
DebbieJuly 22nd, 2016 at 5:43 PM
Totally!! Is it cuz they r spoiled?
SharonJune 1st, 2016 at 6:17 PM
My 43year old daughter is an alcoholic. She has a daughter that we raised until she was 14. We have tried to do everything for her through the years. She stared really bad last year. We have moved her dad and I, which I am convinced now was a huge mistake!!! She will not seek help. She was going to a physiatrist for a while, but stopped that. I have told her she needs help, and we would find a place where she could get it. She only cusses me and threats to kill herself or burn our house down. When she is not drinking she becomes my sweet, loving daughter. What are my options to get her help?
sylvia rJune 29th, 2016 at 9:41 AM
Well it’s been a while since I posted anything because I don’t want to jinx anything but my daughter has finally left her abusive, drug addict boyfriend and with a new boyfriend. She met him at her work and finally started to see the light, that no one deserves to be treated that way. He comes from a good family and good home and they have actually come over for dinner and a weekend here and there to visit. It is such a blessing to see her back to herself and happy again. She is now off drugs and with a good family. He has 3 sisters which I think my daughter really enjoys being around since she was an only child and I think it has done a world of good for her. She has a long way to go in her recovery but she is doing so much better and there are no words to describe how happy I am to see her in this new chapter of her life. I only wish I could lock the old one and throw it deep deep in the ocean to never ever see it or experience any of that pain again for her or our family. I’m going to be happy for today and put the rest in God’s hands because he is the only one that knows what the future holds instore each day. But I know one thing he is the reason that we are all here today and he allowed her to go through this for a reason. I hope that one day we will know why she had to walk through that valley but even if I never know the reason. I’m eternally grateful for today!!!!! Feeling beyond blessed!!!!!
LesaJune 29th, 2016 at 2:20 PM
That’s wonderful news. Prayers are with your daughter. My daughter too was addicted to drugs. She has been clean now for a little over a year and gave birth to her first child who weighed 9 lbs. 3 ozs. when he was born. A very handsome and healthy baby boy back in April, so we are feeling very blessed.
sylvia rJuly 26th, 2016 at 12:20 PM
It’s funny you should say that I just found out that she may be about 5 weeks pregnant now, waiting to see her doctor on Thursday and we’ll find out. Trying to remember what I said in my last post and just put it all in God’s hands!!!
MaureenJuly 21st, 2016 at 11:17 PM
I’m saddened by the alcohol & drug abuse of my children. I attend Alanon when I can and have been able to get them all to move out.
DebbieJuly 24th, 2016 at 5:23 PM
I have come to the realizarion that there are no answers for our loved ones addictions. I have been told “its not your fault”, then told it IS my fault for enabling. Depends on who you talk to. Then the addicts dr. Asks me “what happened? Not enough spankings? Would not dare open up to ‘friends’ as they would sit in some kind of judgement too. So how in the hell are us parents not supposed question every move we make and walk on eggshells cuz we are damned if we do and damned if we dont. I am so sick of all the “experts”! They dont have a freaking clue! I am so sick of being judged as an unfit parent when I did my absolute best for my Son! I hear the bs people tell me while they look at me sideways as if I must have caused this in some way. Our children made these choices. The only thing we can do is do what gives us a shred of peace. Whether thats cutting the cord or setting boundaries for them to be in our lives. I choose to keep my son close WITH BOUNDARIES. He breaks my rules – hes kicked to the curb. Its a constant back and forth. But at least I know if he dies I spent as much time as I could stand with him and gave him a safe place to be when he could somewhat curb his compulsions. I know his thinking is clearer and his using is curbed when he is home. My Son is SICK. I am not going to go down without doing my best to give him some respite from his illness while trying to protect my own state of mind. Of course it iz just him and I here. If there were kids involved it would a different story. And yes I know all about enabling, hitting bottom, etc. I have seen him go way down, beaten and bruised. I have seen the other addicts clinging to him like leeches, I have seen him being used and not understanding it for what it is. I have seen the games his “friends” play to take advantage of his kindness. It is a sickening environment to be in. I want him to see the difference at home so maybe, just maybe, something will click in his mind. I refuse fo let them swallow him up whole.
sylvia rJuly 26th, 2016 at 12:23 PM
All you can do is love your child and try to help them when you can. Tough love is easier said than done. Provide food and shelter and let them decide because we can’t love anyone enough to get them to stop.
michelleAugust 6th, 2016 at 8:37 PM
Hi, I hear about all of your loved ones and it sounds like me of what I am going though with my daughter she is 33 years old she is a mother of 5-4 girls and 1 boy, The 3 older ones are with there dad in mexico, due to the fact he is not legal to be here. My daughter has married to the kids father, and yes they are all from the same father, My daughter has the 2 littler ones this has being going on for about 3 years now. I just don’t know what to do. Let me give a little history about her, we had a good relationship as a mother and daughter, we were always together no matter what. There was also a good one with her step dad but she didn’t look at him as a step dad she would tell every one that, & that he is her dad. When she came back from mexico, I started to see a change in her ever since she got with this guy. He is bad news, she started doing drugs and leaving the kids for along period of time. That just wasn’t like her to do that and when she would come, she would pick up the kids and leave and wouldn’t her from her at all unless I would run into them at the store. Not only that she hated people that tried to kill themselves and what happens next she tried killing her self she needs help she has my 2 granddaughters out there to sleeping God only knows where and eating God only knows what. What can I do can you HELP?
DebbieAugust 7th, 2016 at 10:09 PM
Michelle! What those girls are eating is the least of your worries! You need to contact Childrens Services NOW. While mommy is sleeping off her drug binges those girls are at the mercy of whoever is there. And TRUST ME the creeps will be there to take advantage of the situation! I cannot stress the urgency of this! It happened to a little girl I know and love dearly. The dealer was getting mommy all messed up and while she was out of it he was SEXUALLY MOLESTING her dear little daughter. I knew something was wrong but didnt know the mother was on drugs. I reported my concerns to Childrens Services. Well the whole family hated me. But I stood up for a child and foumd out what she was going through was beyond anything I imagined. A cop told me drug abuse and child molestaion go together like peas and carrots. He said you can pretty much count on it. Well now mommies off the drugs and very thankful and everyone loves me again. The addicts cannot reason in their heads. You have to stand up and do what you can in the situation. Whatever it may be. To hell with what anyone thinks! We can t let the children be collateral damage. Go! Be brave and strong!
michelleAugust 9th, 2016 at 11:10 PM
is there any way I can do this with out having my grandbabys in the system not only that I have no idea on where they are that is the thing how can I find them soon the cold weather will be here.
DebbieAugust 10th, 2016 at 8:16 AM
When you report this to Childrens services you can tell them you want to take the kids if you are able or find someone you know and trust that is able. Friend or family member. As far as finding her – take your concerns to the police, report them as missing persons and tell the police the children are in danger under the circumstances. Oh shes going to hate you for this! But you will know you did the right thing for the children. I pray for you everyday. It is a horrible situation to be in. Do your best. Hugs . . . .
KarenAugust 8th, 2016 at 5:26 AM
My daughter just got out of jail in April, 2016 for theft due to a heroin addiction. She was in for 1 1/2 years. While in prison her head cleared up enough that she admitted that she was a huge jerk to everyone around her while using heroin.
Unfortunately she came out of prison and went right back to using heroin and anything else she can shoot up. When she uses heroin it literally makes her crazy. She has underlying mental health issues such as bi-polar disorder. She is on parole and has a list of do’s that she has not completed. She went off her meds soon after being released and now it’s deja-vous all over again. Totally crazy and out of her mind she runs from one drug house to another and sleeps around in exchange for drugs. She lost custody of her daughter thank God and she is not allowed in my home. She used to be a loving sweet woman but she is now only what I can describe as an outright monster. She will steal the shirt off your back. Called her parole office and told him what she is up to so she will be put back in prison and he has done absolutely nothing! Called the head of the parole dept. and he said he could do nothing either unless she commits a crime! Tried a family intervention and that failed. As soon as we left she shot up some painkillers and got more heroin. Her boyfried wants her out and unfortunately she needs to be living on the streets before she will realize how bad off she is. She can walk into any fire station in our city as they have heroin crisis centers in them and they will get her help. She refuses. She is affecting our lives and killing us as well as killing herself. I have to try to function on a daily basis and it’s hard not knowing if she will die due to an overdose. She has already overdosed numerous times. I have to give up now and just let whatever happens, happen.
Never seen anything like it in my life.
KimAugust 8th, 2016 at 8:11 AM
Sounds so familiar. My daughter has now lost her children to her ex and at least I know the kids are taken care of. My husband and I love the kids and want what’s best for them. As for my daughter, she is on her own. She has called my work now 3 times in the hopes of getting me fired. I have blocked all devices from her contacting me.
sylvia rAugust 8th, 2016 at 8:11 AM
My thoughts and prayers for all the latest posts, as it just breaks my heart.
My daughter had a miscarriage last week.
KimAugust 8th, 2016 at 8:51 AM
I am so sorry for your loss.
DeeAugust 11th, 2016 at 12:30 PM
My 23 year old daughter is addicted to drugs. She lies about it constantly, but my husband and I can see the affects of it. She is verbally hostile when ever we ask her about it, but we know that she is using. She surrounds herself with other drug users as well. I failed to mention that she has recently moved into her own apartment and is financially self sufficient. However, she pretends that it is ok as long as she lives on her own and pays her own bills. She was forced into this state of independence when she refused help, started stealing from us and refused treatment. My husband and I are suffering more than it appears she is. We have told her that she will end up in jail or dead. We have also told her that if she wants help, we are here. But she must make the first move. What else can parents do? We are very religious parents and she has grown up in a religious environment, yet it appears that nothing that she has been taught seems to matter. The drugs are her main focus. She works to support her drug habit. What can we do? If anything. Oh, she has recently received tickets for Speeding, DUI, and Possession on the same day. She doesn’t want us to be there because she says that she will handle it on her own. She says that no need to worry, she will get off.
What can we do?
DebbieAugust 11th, 2016 at 7:50 PM
Dee there is nothing you can do. When people are addicted to drugs you cant reason with them. They will deny they are on drugs when it is clear to anyone w eyes in their head they are using. At first they can fool you, (at least me!) so they keep treating you like you are crazy for thinking it. They are so adamant and convincing you doubt yourself. Then you start feeling like you are going crazy. You HAVE TO step back somewhat and create boundaries to keep your sanity. It is such a helpless feeling watching a loved one destroy themselves. As they get heavier into the addiction they cant hold down a job, they start getting caught breaking the law (because all addicts think they are too smart to get caught) and yes birds of a feather flock together. In my experience with 3 addicts this is how it worked. One lost his business, 3 vehicles, all the other addicts moved in w him and stole all valuables. Did he care? Nope. Lost his house too. Nothing changed. Went to jail for 3 weeks. Nothing changed when he got out. Went to jail again 3 months later, got beaten everyday, moved 4 times to get away from the crazies, got stuck in a holding cell w pee and blood on the floor, no shower for 4 days while waiting for a safe area of the prison. And he may be in there for a couple years. (We dont know yet) Well now hes thinking. I am never going to touch that sh$t again Mom!! I dont want to see any of those people again Mom! I guess time will tell. My niece was in and out of trouble and a week here and there in jail for 3 yrs. She had a girl removed from the home to her Dads. Then she had a boy. Daddy went to jail. 3 weeks later she went to jail. Something clicked in her head. An 18 month old kid w both parents in jail. She quit and has said never again! Basically she told me no one will quit until they reach their bottom. Or they get a jail term and get their head thinking again. She said she was paranoid and delusional on drugs but being in jail with no drugs got her thinking clearer each time she was in. But still could not stop until she and the youngest childs father were both in jail. That was her bottom. You have to TRUST GOD and give your daughter to him to take care of. Talk to him EVERYDAY about her and tell him you trust HIM and the process. THINGS WILL START TO HAPPEN IN GOD’s time and HIS way. You have to really believe that and detach yourself. Say this prayer every day and use your daughters name in the prayer where it says you. Jeremiah 29:11
I know I sound like a know it all but I am just trying to help. I talked to so many addictions counsellors, tried al alanon, researched everything about addiction like a fiend and this is it. You need to love the addict, try not to fight the addict when you see them, keep your boundaries, dont cive them money and PRAY HARD! God will make things happen as he wants them to happen and we have no control. But I do believe if we trust Him to look after our addicts – He will. And I am not a religious person. But I have always known someones there. So I finally started talking to Him.
DebiOctober 24th, 2017 at 12:41 AM
I have read so many of the blogs on this site and so many are moms just like me in the exact situation. Mine is with my 32 yr. old daughter who is on the streets and doing meth. I don’t know where she is and it’s getting cold outside, does she eat? Where does she sleep. I worry and pray and cry every single day and there is nothing I can do to help her. They say that the addict has to hit rock bottom to finally wake up to the truth and change their behavior but my daughter has been in jail countless times for various things she also has been in the hospital a few times from using bad needles has had different illnesses related to drug use and has almost died. I, like another mother’s story I read, just think I’m gonna get a knock on the door with police here telling me my daughter is dead. All that she has gone through, horrible things, has not been her “rock bottom” what else could possibly be her hitting rock bottom, she’s been through **** and back and nothing has stopped her from shooting meth. She, like other stories I’ve read, used to be a gorgeous, super smart and talented young lady and I don’t even know her anymore. Those who pray, please pray for God to intervene and cause a miracle to happen in my once beautiful daughter’s life, I want my old daughter back the way she used to be, so many tragic stories just like mine we are moms who are dying inside for our child every single day of our lives, I know I am. Thank you for listening and for writing all of your tragic stories, it helps to know you’re not alone, there are so many it blows my mind and so many exactly like my circumstance. I believe in miracles and will never give up praying, hoping and crying everyday for my lost daughter and for all of you parents with children like mine I will pray for you all as well. I wish I could let go and trust that God will perform a miracle in all these moms and children’s lives, my faith is not much, it doesn’t help me to stop being so anxious all the time, God help us all! In Jesus’ Name, Amen.
KimAugust 12th, 2016 at 2:16 PM
What I am finding out is that there is really nothing that can be done. Your daughter (like mine) has to want to change. I am like most parents, I have tried providing her with a comfortable life, and she chooses to be around low life’s with no morals. I have had to back away and let her fall.
ceebeeOctober 24th, 2017 at 10:25 PM
Pray. Intercede for your child through prayer. Close your eyes and imagine carrying your daughter and placing her into the arms of our loving Father. Submit: Submit to His will alone, in her.
Dear Lord, I can’t do this anymore. Only You can. May Your will be done in her! Fill me with the courage to endure this desert and help me to trust You!
I must remind myself often, Oh Lord, Your grace is sufficient!
DebbieOctober 25th, 2017 at 6:44 PM
I have done exactly that.. I closed my eyes and pictured my son in my hand and handed him up to God and said… Here God, I can’t help him.. please take him and heal him.. my son has been sober from heroin for a year now thanks to my God! I also have a daughter who needs to be healed currently from meth addiction, I have her 2 kids. I know God is the only one who can save her. . Its so heart breaking .she’s so vicious with me..calls me so many horrible names and in the meantime there is a 5 and 3 year old that want their mommy.. last Saturday was her birthday and I got a call from a man who witnessed her getting beat up by her boyfriend so he brought her to our house.. I let her stay but the 3rd day she was already contacting this loser and went back to him. I know I need to continue my prayers and leave it in God’s hands.. it literally rips your heart out.. some days I feel so empty, but I know I can’t give up hope. I pray for every single person on here and the ones you all love who are addicts.. may God heal here in mass numbers!!! 🙏
DeeAugust 12th, 2016 at 6:14 AM
I thank you so much for responding to my post. Your words have been very uplifting as my husband and I watch our daughter spiral out of control. We pray daily for our children (we have 2 daughters). I know that my finding this site was a message from God because you have posted a verse that I send to them via text daily.
Jeremiah 29:11New International Version (NIV)
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
I start my day by praying and sending scriptures to our girls via text. So far, she hasn’t blocked me -even when she’s angry with me for speaking the truth. I know that my husband and I have to let go and let God and we are praying for strength to do that, but it is a struggle to see my beautiful little baby girl turn into someone that I do not know. Yet, we will continue to let her know that we love her and that if she wants help, we are here for her. We have come to the realization that there is nothing else that we can do. We have tried public counselors, private counselors, trips, cars etc. All of this to encourage her to change her life, but to no avail. For we have found that it has to be her choice and hers alone. And so, we watch, wait & prayer to see the what the outcome will be, death, life or incarceration the choice is hers.
KarenAugust 13th, 2016 at 12:24 PM
My 28 year old daughter is a heroin addict and like everyone else here, I have tried everything. I even told a cop one day out of frustration that I wanted to lock her in a room that she couldn’t get out of and of course that would be called criminal restraint and I wasn’t going to jail because of her heroin addiction.
Since I cannot convince her to get into detox and clean up I have taken a new path. I turn in every dope dealer I know of that she comes into contact with. Unbeknownst to me at the time, I was giving her rides to various homes when she said she was borrowing something or she left her wallet there or whatever. Of course I learned quickly what was going on and seized giving her rides. I anonymously send the police department the information and hopefully they will get involved.
Makes me feel good to know that maybe I will take a few of them and put them in prison.
DebbieAugust 13th, 2016 at 7:49 PM
Good for you!! I wish more people would smarten up and quit looking the other way. I went to the police out of desperation and reported my very own Son. So sad. But he is a type one (juvenile diabetic) and not taking care of it while on FENTANYL.which is 100 times more toxic then heroin. Serious. People dying from it constantly in Western Canada. The crime rate is skyrocketing because of it also. So yes I ratted out my own Son to try and save his life. I drove him around too trying to check out who was who and whose selling what. Of course the police here know most of the dealers anyway and are working overtime to take them down. But they didnt seem to know about my Son. Well he is in jail now and I have hope he will change his ways. He knows I ratted him out. He is ok with it too. What Mothers wont do for their children! Fml
DebbieAugust 13th, 2016 at 8:34 PM
I guess what I am really trying to say is this. The addiction to any drug is so powerful it takes a MAJOR shakeup to at least try and turn things around for the addict. Sure they made the choice to try the drug but once they are addicted they have NO choice. They cant just get up one day and say ‘ok I am done’. They have to keep using to just feel ‘normal’. The drug is controlling their thoughts and actions. They are not the people we knew. Its like something moved in and took over their mind and body. They need something to happen in their lives to make them see the light. And that is different for everyone. Meanwhile, they need their self esteem worked on too. They need to be to be treated with respect. (Thats a hard one) Dont worry – they hate their lives. They cant help themselves either. Or they surely would. Addiction is a disease of the soul. They need to hit rock bottom in their misery and someone needs to be there to help them when that happens. Thats when they have a chance to get better. Dr. Phil says ‘dont wait till they hit rock bottom that could be death’. All we can do is do what we are able and capable of doing and pray for divine intervention.
LeeAugust 13th, 2016 at 7:34 PM
I feel your pain in every inch of my soul. I have learned that there is absolutely nothing I can do. My daughters journey is hers. After 10 rehabs , gaining custody of her daughter, and endless talks either I will go mad or I have to focus on my three foot world. I need to be present for my world that I chose and I enjoy. Every time I take a call it drags me back. I don’t let it anymore. I take everyone of her calls because I love her regardless. It’s just a line that you have to draw. I pray for her all the time. Actually since I have pulled away and focused on my 3 foot world her life seems to be moving in the right direction which reminds me that every time I try it only pushes her back further from getting better.
MishaAugust 14th, 2016 at 7:37 AM
I totally understand what you’re going thru, it’s the worst nightmare ever and nobody gets it until they have lived it. It’s awful for the addict and the family. My daughter is now in rehab for the third time, she had two almost fatal overdoses in the the past month, Narcan was given both times. She is a college graduate, has not held a job in over a year, has been arrested, homeless, beat up, you name it. We have had to completely cut her off, call the police on her, change locks on doors..the list goes on and on. One thing we did figure out, we cannot control her addiction, only she can. I thank God everyday that she has no children and she is still alive. Since she has been in rehab our family can sleep at night. The only thing parents of addicts can do is tell them you love them and you will be there for them when they are ready to get clean.
PamAugust 17th, 2016 at 8:03 AM
I know this tough love is so hard to do. My daughter has had so many legal problems, and now I have to call the police, again. As much as I love her, I hate to see her walking in the door. I have temporary custody of her child, and now I am facing a hearing against the father. I told her if she gets her life back on track she can have more access to her daughter. But she has told me that will never happen. She’s given up. Hopefully, her problems will give her the motivation she needs. We have ran the full gamut, counselors, rehab, detox (which she only went to for the Suboxene). Now, jail time. I can’t help her anymore, She is going to have to take the rest of this journey herself.
PamAugust 17th, 2016 at 8:33 AM
I’m so sorry to hear that, but it is a blessing for the child. To be born addicted is heartbreaking, in itself.
KimSeptember 25th, 2016 at 7:20 PM
The past 2 weeks have been like being on a roller coaster. My daughter rang my door bell and asked if we could talk. She broke down and told me she has lost everything, her kids, all of her belongings. I asked her if she will go and get the help she needs. She accepted and wants to go to long term rehab. I told her this is the right path to put the pieces back. She has asked her probation officer to allow her to go. We have a place lined up and will know more tomorrow. I pray she gains the strength to change.
cherylOctober 21st, 2016 at 9:43 AM
Phyllis, I just read your post. You can read about my situation on my posting from Aug. 17 of this year. Since then, my daughter has been put back in hospital in ICU because of heart infection returning and other organs shutting down. She was released yesterday and is planning to continue on the methadone program in order to clean up and get healthier. She has made some progress in her attitude and though she slipped and became ill again, she is trying. I am consumed by worry and fear and have become physically ill from years of worry. We could lose her at any time I know. I have even left my job as I just couldn’t cope. This week, I have been working on dealing with my own health issues. Have had a couple of doctor appointments and finally also made the call to set up some long overdue counseling for myself. I am forcing myself to go out to dinner with friends tonite. I am existing minute by minute right now, waiting for the phone to ring with bad news. I can only advise you to MAKE yourself continue living your own life. The days when you feel you are at your worst are the days when you need to reach out-even if it’s just taking a short walk or meeting a friend for coffee or doing some laundry. Normalcy in your life with everything else swirling around is important. Let your addict know you love them unconditionally and will support any good efforts they make but remember to love yourself (I know it’s hard!!) You need to be there for yourself and your other family members. Don’t let your family and friends lose 2 people in all of this. I hope you will be able to make a phone call or send an e-mail regarding getting some counseling if you haven’t already. When I called, I could hardly talk for crying but now have an appointment coming up that I am looking forward to. I got a little bit of good news about my daughter this morning and I will hang onto that today and not let the fear overtake me.
clara aparicioOctober 22nd, 2016 at 11:24 AM
I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY SON HE IS 21 AND ADDICTED TO ZANNEX OR PILLS ANY HELP WILL VERY APPRECIATED
KimNovember 7th, 2016 at 1:29 AM
I wanted to give an update of where we are out with my daughter. My daughter entered long term rehab a month ago. She is expected to be there until April 2017 if all goes well. Her father (ex husband) and I visited with her Saturday. She seems more humble than I have seen her in a long time. She’s not blaming others for losing her children, items etc. She told me this was the only way she would have gone. She surrounded herself, during that time with people who took advantage of her. She told me she is journaling and a lot of her memory is slowly coming back. I attended a meeting with her and heard stories from a lot of women with similar struggles, and it is heart wrenching. One women spoke up and told the others to stay the course. It’s the hardest thing she had ever done. She was in long term for 15 months as she had lost her family, children, everything. She worked on her sobriety and was able to get it all back. There can be light at the end of the tunnel but we can’t do it for them. They have to do this on their own. If we make it to easy they will not fall. I know it hurts and wish everyone on this journey peace.
KimNovember 17th, 2016 at 6:59 PM
My daughter has been in long term rehab for 2 months. She looks more healthy than I have seen her in a long time. Today, while I was at work, a co-worker looked to be upset, drained. I asked her how she was doing. She said, fine. Something inside told me to ask about her daughter, she looked at me and started to breakdown. I told her about where my daughter is at and what she was going through. This desperate mom told me she had seen her daughter in a year. She knows she is on drugs and now using a needles. I walked over and hugged her. I told her we are good moms and is not our fault. My heart broke for her. I told her I was here if she needed to talk. We are not alone! There are thousands maybe millions of us who have a loved one addicted to drugs. It’s a sad existence but one they have to face on their own. We have to let them get sick and tired, of being sick and tired.
MichelleNovember 17th, 2016 at 8:49 PM
Im so happy that your daughter is getting the help she needs god bless you and your family.you said that we are all good mothers i believe that also but at times i feel like what could i have done different and i feel so helpless cause im not doing anything she has my 2 granddaughters with her she is on the run from the cops and social serves now she is going to have more charges.i just wish i new what happen with her and how guy she is with got her to believe that her family dont love or care for her she is 34.all i want is my daughter and granddaughters back.
KimNovember 20th, 2016 at 12:55 AM
I know what you are going through. I had to let go and get help for myself. I know you feel like this is turning your back on your daughter, but it’s not. The first thing when my daughter was out of control and had her kids with her, I was sick worrying about my grand children. What ever it took to get them in a good place was my main goal. I had to call my daughters ex husband and tell him. He quickly filed for emergency custody. I knew my daughter would be angry but the kids came first. After that, she spiraled more out of control. I backed totally away. This was the best thing I did. I went to therapy and took care of me and got a better understanding of what she was doing. I deserved this, my husband deserved this, my oldest daughter deserved this and also my grand babies. When my daughter was at her bottom she reached for me for help. I started scrambling trying to find her a long term she could go to. Most had a 3 month wait. I drove up there and asked to speak to someone in charged, told them about my daughter and begged them to give her a bed. Praise God they did. I pray you find peace and can get your grandchildren in a safe place. Take care of yourself first.
MichelleNovember 21st, 2016 at 7:06 AM
Kim. Being a mother. Is the hardest i ever had to do. As a. Person is there such thing of loving your kids to much? If so then im guilty of that with no dout.
KeshaDecember 18th, 2016 at 3:49 PM
I feel so bad that there are so many great parents going through the same issue with their adult children. I guess it’s like they say “just because they grow up does not mean you stop being a parent.” My daughter is 24 with two children and one on the way. I can not seem to get it through her head that she needs to give up custody for the children sake. Some would ask “why dont I call DFS?” Well I’ve tried and because she lives from place to place and I can not give them a concrete address and all I get is “there’s nothing we can do with out an address.” She is on drugs or dealing with a mental issue. She neglects those kids so bad to the point the baby has been burnt twice. I am at my wits end and are sick of her behavior. I did not raise her like this and have no clue where she gets the behavior from. But what I do know is that the people she hangs around enables her situation because they all are in the same situation. On drugs, unfit parents, and none of them have jobs. I wish I could receive some type of answers or a direction because I see this situation is going to end very badly especially with those kids.
KimDecember 19th, 2016 at 4:49 PM
I can honestly say my grandchildren came first. I tried to get emergency custody and then had to bring her exhusband on what was going on. I love my daughter but she’s an adult and needed to make sure the children were safe. They were my main concern.
PamDecember 19th, 2016 at 12:02 AM
I live with my mother. My drug addicted daughter has stolen checks, debit cards, credit cards, cash…..all from my 84 yo mom. She had her arrested and filed a restraining order. I have, luckily, been awarded custody of her child. My have taken care of her child while she slept or went off her rocker when she was awake. She acts like the person we love only when she’s high. Now, since she has a tro she is unable to bring her verbal, mental & physical abuse home. She is finding out who her ‘real’ friends are. No job, no car, homeless but still using. We live in Missouri where the winters are very bitter. When she comes to the door wanting to get out of the weather, I give in and let her crash on the sofa. Unfortunately, this hasn’t worked out too well. She won’t leave until my mom call 911 and the police show up to escort her out. She is always complaining to everyone that her entire family has washed their hands of her (she has perfected using her ‘victim card’), ‘she has no way to see her po, her ‘friends’ won’t let her stay with them but one night’, she’s going to commit suicide, use, or turn herself in to her po to serve out her sentence and that its all going to be our fault Thanks to heroin, she has lost everything….job, school, car and now, home. She is so cunning and manipulative. I don’t know if our actions are overboard or what. My main concern is my grandchild. I don’t want her to experience all the drama and fear she had to with her mom living at home. I feel like I’m trading one for the other. My daughter is 37, and she has made her decision. Unfortunately, her 5 yo hasn’t. I feel so at a loss. I’ve told her that she is such a good person and has such a good heart, but she’s just lost her way, and that only she can find it, I can’t do it for her. All of this is not only tough for her.
DebbieDecember 19th, 2016 at 8:28 AM
I have had 2 children addicted to drugs. My son who is now 26 was addicted to heroin. He went to jail for 6 months and went into their program, got out and was sober for 17 months and got together with a girl from a program he was in and relapsed. my heart was torn in two. he eventually went back to jail from violating probation. a month back in jail and now he is two months sober again, its a parents worst nightmare. My daughter has 2 children and was addicted to meth. I eventually got the kids in my care through cps. she turned her life around and has been clean for 14 months and is working and saving money. If I can tell you anything as a parent it would be to not give them anything while they are out there addicted to drugs and not wanting or getting any help for themselves, the more money/enabling you give, the deeper their addiction gets. I have made this mistake myself and as soon as I started getting tough and not giving in to them, the sooner their life’s started to get better.. I also prayed a lot… I prayed my son would go to jail 2 different times and he went both times!! When they want to change is when you step in and support them with their recovery. In the meantime, get help yourself.. there are programs out there that are free that help cope with addicted children. you can help by just loving them and never stop praying for them, but remember.. you deserve happiness, so please take care of yourself! God bless everyone dealing with this
KimDecember 19th, 2016 at 4:57 PM
You are so right. Once my daughter lost custody of her kids to her exhusband, I was so relieved. I prayed the kids would be safe. My daughter was then out of control. I stopped giving her anything and took care of me. Once she lost everything she came to me and asked for help. That is when I encouraged long term rehab. Thanks again for your post. Sometimes as parents we need guidance from others that have been there.
SourceDecember 27th, 2016 at 9:21 AM
Highly descriptive article, I enjoyed that bit. Will there be a part 2?|
David R.January 20th, 2017 at 4:12 PM
Through no fault of their own, most parents believe they have tried everything. Truth is; they haven’t Yes, you can try conventional treatment, but, it’s rarely successful. Medication assisted treatment isn’t effective either. Most continue to use illicit drugs in addition to the treatment. It’s not about blaming anyone. It’s about everyone accepting personal responsibility. The fact is; addiction is generated in patterns of family, relationship dynamics. Parents are the medicine for healing this ever-growing problem. If you want to help your children, then you’ve got to be willing to do your part. That means you must examine the dynamics and correct your behavior as a parent. How can you ask your children to change their addictive behavior when you won’t modify yours. Have you ever sat down with your son or daughter and asked them why they are angry at you? Do they feel unloved or unwanted? Do they feel micro-managed, controlled or helicopter parented? Do they feel part-time parented? I can assure there is a reason. There’s no such thing as a perfect parent. No one is perfect. But, no one is absolved from taking responsibility, apologizing, and changing behavior, either. everything changes, including the earth. so, unless you are older than dirt or rock, you have no excuse. Maybe you did the best you could. that doesn’t mean you can’t do better today and tomorrow. Yes, your son or daughter must change his or her behavior too. However, the first move is yours.
The Addiction-Free Kids Project
DebbieJanuary 23rd, 2017 at 8:12 AM
David R. I’m sorry but as long as your adult child is in their own addiction.. us as their parents can not do a darn thing to change them.. they are addicts. Everyone has to be responsible for their own actions. There are many parents out there that have never had addictions and did the best they could to prevent that.. believe me.. not only have I experienced this in my life, but many others around me as well. I have a question to ask you… do you have children of your own? Have you experienced this with your own child? Yes, you do everything you possibly can as they are living under your roof as children, but they are out of your control and make their own decisions.. not only do they have a addiction to drugs but they also make the decision to steal and lie, and continue to make poor choices for themselves.. something they have to become accountable for, or they will never know how to climb back up and get out of it. My son never once blamed me or anyone else. he told me that this was something he chose and that he had to be the one to want help.. once you are a addict, its a choice you make everyday for yourself, not someone else to come along and say… oh ok… I need to change my behavior so my loved one will stop being a addict… I’m sorry, it doesn’t work that way.
KathyApril 8th, 2017 at 4:26 PM
Neither my husband nor I are addicts and yet our adult 33 year-old son is using heroin, crack, cocaine, opioids and the list goes on and on. He began drinking in college and simply has never looked back. Two expensive rehabs, one-on-one counseling, life coaches, church gatherings and still, the drugs continue to win the battle. I no longer blame any of our parenting skills for our son’s behavior. He is a good and kind person with two BA degrees. With that being said, he has chosen his own path…and his path most likely will take him to heaven. Our hearts are broken, and every day they are stomped on…as our son (by our decision) continues to live with us. We know our son would be dead by now if we booted him out. We continue to let him know he deserves a better life than the one he is living. He understands that, but of course, drugs convince him otherwise. It is a very tough job to watch our son destroy himself every day and night, but again, it is our choice to provide him shelter. He has no job, no money and buys his drugs from an inheritance. Very sad and disheartening.
DebbieJanuary 23rd, 2017 at 1:50 PM
Different Debbie here. Did you get your wisdom from a book? Yes none of us is perfect. But I would not blame addictive behaviour on the parents as a whole except to say that they are ‘personally responsible’ for bringing the child into the world. Have you not heard of the ‘addictive gene’? Personally I have known many addicts and am also related to a few. WHY OH WHY is not everyone addicted if the parenting plays such a huge role? Seems to me when I was a teenager many kids HATED their parents or at the very least were embarrassed to be seen with them. They didn’t turn into addicts. I know many promiscuous ‘single parents’. Their kids didn’t turn into addicts. And I know helicopter parents. Their kids are not addicts either. Why are you painting all addicts parent’s with the same brush? Maybe you should open your eyes and ears! I personally have been around many addicts as I have mentioned – and I have noticed a pattern! They all play the ‘blame game’. Maybe open your eyes a little wider and look a little deeper. Many addicts are predisposed to the addiction because of their peculiar DNA. That is something the parent can do nothing about. I have actually listened to many addicts and they all have a ‘story’. They don’t understand their addiction either. They look for excuses. Ex-addicts have told me they were delusional while addicted. Aka – their brains are not working properly. Then they come off it and they realize how it warped their thinking. No parental blame involved. Yes kids that are badly abused turn to drugs/alcohol also – but a great many DON’T. Why is this? I was even married to an alcoholic. Now I am wondering how I could have changed my behavior so he would have changed his! Maybe I should have let him beat me without reporting it? Maybe I should have stood by silently while he had his women? Maybe I should have tried to keep up to his pace drinking? LMAO!! I must have done something to cause this! GIVE YOUR HEAD A SHAKE!!!!
KarinMarch 3rd, 2017 at 2:05 AM
Please help me. I’am a mom of 3 kids. The middle one is a 21 year old girl. She didn’t complete matric due to dgug use, in fact she dropped out of school in grade 10. We sought help for her to get clean, and my brother who live in Namibia, took her in for 3 months, while she attended NA meetings in Swakopmund. When she came back, she was completely clean and gained her weight back. She went back to school, but dropped out again after a few months. She is using again. She has fallen pregnant last year and gave birth to a health baby girl in October 2016. I’m very worried about the child now, because the mother is still abusing drugs. The lies and the stealing and cheating is too much for me. My concern is that she is breastfeeding the baby, who will be 5 months next week. I am very concerned at how the drugs will affect the child. I need help, please. It feels as if I’m losing my mind. I just want to run away and never look back. What can I do, please assist in this regard
s.markApril 7th, 2017 at 4:48 PM
hi, iv been through all this too myself. i am an alcoholic, now sober 12 years, and also was married to a drug addict|alcoholic. We also had a son together. What got me sober is just common sense. People change when the pain to remain the same is greater than change. its a saying i love. Well thats what happened to me. i got charged with a dui finally and got arrested. first time in my life. helped me realize i had a problem that needed to stop. And i entered the aa ca programs, and counciliour etc, and looked for God, and drew close to Him etc, and my life changed, and i now have not drank for 12 in a half years. The bad part is though i did marry an acoholic/ drugaddict, and as i stayed sober, i started to live with on the other side. i prayed hard to God about it because i got tired of what i was living with, constant stealing and lying, my poor grandmothers bank account was all cleaned out, he would disappear for nights on end, phone me all high or drunk, even with his mother. it was horrible. After two years i had it and turned to God for help in prayer and He helped me. My grandmother called and said to watch the intervention show. its the answer to our prayers she said. And it sure was. They taught what i was doing was enabling the disease. That the key is not to do that. Don’t have anything to do with that person until they entered a treatment center and was serious about it. Don’t let them call. or stay or come over. Dont give them money or rides. Don’t let them see you, or even their children at at all until they get sober. And stay sober. its called tough love. And if you do these things they taught, it will up their consequences and that is what will motivate change in someone. Take away all their priviledges, even to see their child at all. Children have rights. They deserve not a sick mom or dad, etc, but a healthy one. So fight for them for that. if they are even allowed supervised visits, it is not fighting for them for what they deserve. They are still given a sick person in their life, and a hightly influencial one they will look up too. They deserve a healthy one in their lives, not a sick. So i went to court and set a boundrie for my son that he deserved because he was not old enough yet to do it himself, that his dad could see him, and have him in his life, again, but only when he treats the desease and gets sober. And also because i learned what a child is raised around he will be taught is normal. So if he is raised around a mom or dad or any family member that we enable and go visit, he will think its ok to go use drugs or be an alcoholic, why not, mom and dad are doing it and im allowed around them, or even someone else in our family, so it must be fine. Example speaks louder than words. We may teach them opposite by words, but action speaks louder. So i went to court to protect and set that boundrie for him, our child, that his dad is around him and me only if he is a GOOD example, because that is what our son deserves for his own future. it has been passed on from generation to generation in our family. i was breaking the cycle with my son. Before it got passed onto him. A childs should be put first, even before the parent and that terrible disease. Children, again have rights, and the right for a healthy mother and father or realative, not a sick one. i fought for that for him, which is my God given responisibility. So we cut his dad out of our lives with strict boundries and did not enable the disease. i also learned that if i didn’t do these things, i was giving his dad his cake and letting him eat it too. The best of both worlds. he got to steal, be in his addiction, lies, oh, and see me, and visit his son, sleep over, eat our food, get money. i finally told him sorry no. he didn’t get both. he had to choose one or the other. But he can’t have both. Either me and his son, or drugs. pick. you won’t get us if you pick drugs. bye. and plus i let him know it was out of love for him too, because i loved him i didn’t want to help him to die, which i was doing if i enabled the disease. its again called tough love. its setting high strong boundries ahead of time creating the pain great ahead of time, to help them to want to change fast, saving them sooner, rather than it being death. people change from bigger consequences. Even report them to the police, don’t bail them out of jail. They need to feel the pain of consequence in order to change, and from their own hearts they will change. its the way we all just work. and don’t listen to their threats of suicide. Call help for them, but don’t hold back on boundrie setting and sticking to it to out of love in order to save them out of the disease they are in. it must be treated at a treatment center, and they must go to meetings, and see a councilour, etc, or they will keep relapsing. The first year esp is the most dangerous time for relapsing so most important time for them to do this, and stay in it. And educate yourself more too which helps, which i did. The dr phil show now has this alot on his shows and says all the same things i learned already ahead of time. because it is true, he puts it on his show, and constantly, so great one to watch if don’t believe me, he says it all right on there himself. Way after i already learned it a different way. its just on there because it is true. and was an answer from God himself what to do. God is never wrong. i myself have not relapsed in 12 years, and my son is a healthy, happy eleven year old, safe now from drugs or alcohol addiction being passed onto him. no child should be alllowed to see their parent or relatiive or friend, if they are in the disease. it is putting them, and their future, in danger. They learn what they live. it will just pass the addiction onto the next gerneration of the family, or they will marry someone like that. And be passed onto their children. Break the cycle, and protect them. Children have rights, fight for that. Better no mom or dad, than a sick destructive one for them in their lives. it is setting the child up for disaster. They deserve protection. From any type of abuse, physical, sexual, mental, emational, drugs, alcohol abuse in the home, etc. Be the hero for that child. i was for mine, and myself, and i do not regret it for one second, and my motive was good, for his dad too, to try and save his life, and not enable the disease, killing him and quick. Going months later to his dads funeral, even if i was trying my best and letting my son see his dad, in his addiction. id be helping to kill his dad, and going to his funeral at only 7,8,9, or ten years old, his child. i was saving my son and his dad from that. So hed have a dad well and alive, and way later years in life. And i give credit all to God. Again, he answered my prayers for help, and this is what He told me to do. If anyone else is praying and reads this, and is suffering from the same thing, and doesnt know what to do, this is what He wants you to do, and he is answering your prayers as well. hopes this helps.
RaquelJune 12th, 2017 at 9:03 AM
I am a mother of four. Our youngest daughter is now 28 years old. She graduated high school and went on to become a Cosmetologist. She loved fashion and was really good at what she did. She also became a pharmacy tech and worked in a Pharmacy. She started nursing school as her dream was to become a pediatric nurse. My father became ill unexpectadly in 2009. All of our family got together in the hospital with the prayers that our father would walk out of there feeling better. He needed emergency surgery and was in ICU. During this time our daughter was a victim of rape by a family relative. I left my dad to be with our daughter. She was devastated and traumatized. She filed charges and he went to prison. Our father passed away yet my daughter suffered deeply. We gave her all of our support in every way. We attended support groups, went to counseling with her and stood by her every step of her getting help. The guilt for me was overwhelming as I felt like I failed to protect her. Confusion was amoung me as I lost trust on the family member, mother of the perpetrator who was my sister. She knew what her son was capable of and promised that my daughter would be fine. Her father and I watched our daughter spiral down. We could see she was depressed and started to lose her jobs. She moved out of our home and into her own apartment. Her contact with us was at random. We would go months without hearing from her. We sat with worry each and everyday wondering if she was okay, was she off the streets and was she getting help. We found out that she was evicted out of her apartment. She was hanging out with people that were drug related and she was sleeping on the streets. We tried so hard to get her the help she needed. She would tell us that she needed help and would start to but she would never follow through. We then started to attend Al-Anon. We saw that we were not alone and hurt just as much as everyone else in the room. Day by day as hard as it was my husband and I went forward to take care of ourselves and prayed for our daughter. Presently our daughter has a drug addiction and uses herion. She went into detox and for a moment it felt like we had our daughter back. After detox she went to her boyfriends grandmother’s apartment to live. Everyday she would call to tell us that she was doing much better. We could hear her voice and worried that she was telling us this to let us know not to worry. She recently got arrested for selling stolen property. She is back on the streets homeless. It has taken quite some time for us as her parents to know that we were not bad parents. Our daughter has chosen this awful path and we know that this path can take her pain away and away from us. She of course has refused to come to our home as our home is opened to her if she chooses to get the help that she needs and we would be there for her and help her with getting healthy. Our hearts are so broken over this. The crying never stops, the worry increases and the dislike for those that hurt her live life happy. It saddens us deeply and yet we knew that we needed to let her go. Everyday we pray that she calls us to tell us that she is getting help and everyday goes by, that we do not hear from her. We leave her in God’s hands to help her, guide her and to help her see that the path she is on is not for her. Our daughter is an amazing, kind and talented individual. To see her this way tears us apart. Her siblings look for her and worry about her. As a family we sit and talk about her all the time and we all understand that deep down in our broken hearts that she is lost and broken as well. We pray for her hand in hand that she return to us soon. Sitting here typing away helps me relief my worry and stress some. My prayers to all.
darleneJune 17th, 2017 at 3:49 PM
I have a 22 year old grandson that is abusing weed and involved with dealers. Everytime we see him he is high and does not come home that often. He seems to stay away from us. He came home yesterday with his Father picking him up to attend his sister’s high school graduation. He came to graduation high. We confronted him today and he admits to dealing and ingesting the pot but feels there is nothing wrong with it. He is changed both physically and emotionally. This drug has taken over his life. We tried to get him to go to rehab but he refuses as he feels he is ok and of course right in his beliefs. He is still attending college and we are concerned that he will ruin his life, get arrested and end up in jail or worse. How do we handle this situation? It is easy money for him and I feel that these dealers know how to hook someone into doing their dirty work. Any advise would be appreciated.
RaquelJune 17th, 2017 at 9:01 PM
I am not a Clinician, I am a parent. My husband and I learned that tough love is hard to do but for us to deal with this we learned how to be tough. We do not enable our daughter. She blames us for her homelessness and her mental health issues. She is blinded like your grandson as to what they are doing is wrong. It hurts us to watch them hurt themselves and live in danger. I can only tell you what my husband and I did to help us out. We went to counseling and spoke dearly to our Priest. We volunteer for the homeless and for the programs that help those in need. We attend Al-Anon to share our story and we also attend Al Ateen. We feel if we cannot save our daughter, we pray that we reach out to those who do. Our son was in the same situation that your grandson is. He used and dealed drugs. He got caught and was arrested. He was put on probation and sent to our home. He would not stop using so I phoned his Probation Officer. I asked for my son to be summoned to their office for a drug test. I was told that if he was positive and that he would go to jail. I knew the risk but for me it was the right thing to do. He came out positive and went back to jail. We attended his hearing and took note who was the presiding Judge. When my son was to appear before the Judge, I wrote to him and told him my son was not ready to get help. I did this for the next nine months. When he got out I didn’t know what to expect. He hugged us and said the Judge told him about my letters. My son has been sober since and away from drug dealers. We felt and continue to be blessed. We pray dearly that our daughter get the help she needs. The one thing we learned is that we cannot save them unless the want it and are ready. Let your grandson know that he needs help and that his family is there for him. Be strong as it hurts to watch and know. I am not sure if this helps, but I will keep you all in my prayers. Thank you for reaching out.
KimJune 18th, 2017 at 10:29 AM
I personally believe Marijuana is a gateway drug. My daughter started and continued with Marijuana while using others. I would keep encouraging him to quit using and breaking away from people the are users. If not, these individuals will lead him down the wrong path.
darleneJune 19th, 2017 at 3:45 PM
I appreciate the time you took to reply to my message. My heart breaks for everyone. It is so hard to feel helpless in this situation. I will encourage him everyday to break away from these people as I know they are using him. I too am afraid they will push him into other drugs to keep control of him. We have done some research and feel we know who the dealer is, but now what do we do with that information? You wonder what happened to push this child into this situation? He was always the most caring, put together, helpful boy and now he is rude, sloppy and embarrassing. What happened? Why would someone want to feel out of control with their body as this drug seems to make someone? He claims it makes you happy? Well he certainly is not a happy person? Thank you again for caring enough to reply.
KimJune 21st, 2017 at 6:25 PM
Things can turn around. 12+ months ago, my daughter hit rock bottom. She lost her kids to her ex husband, was homeless and had lost all of her possessions. Living in her car, friends sofa or homeless shelter. This was not the once vivacious high school cheerleader I loves. However, after hitting rock bottom my daughter asked for help. She went in to a long term rehab and has been there for 9 months. She is graduating from the program tomorrow. She is in her 3rd week at a job she loves. She moves in to an apartment that is run by the rehab facility and is getting to see her children regularly. She has come so far and I am so very proud of her. I enjoy being around her. She is a happy person again. This has been a slow process and can take a long time, but it can be done.
KathyJune 21st, 2017 at 8:23 PM
Thank you Kim for the inspiration bloomed from experience. That is so uplifting! We would love to see our adult 33 year old son agree to go to a 9 month rehab program. Isn’t the cost super expensive? Where do you find long term rehabs for alcoholics & drug addicted adults? There are so few places to turn to for help. We have contacted numerous Washington state health and addiction resources to no avail. It is very difficult to locate 3 month to 9 month facilities without having to pay thousands of dollars. We have already paid for two super nice rehab places (21 days and 30 days) to no avail. Our family tells us our son would do so much better in long term care. The best part is, we think he is ready for help. We would love to hear some suggestions!!
KimJune 28th, 2017 at 8:48 PM
The rehab my daughter went to is nonprofit and based on her income. I thank God for facilities like this one. My daughter is now renting an apartment that is also owned by the rehab. We need more places like this one throughout the country.
darleneJune 22nd, 2017 at 7:27 PM
Thank you Kim for sharing your good news! I am so excited for you and your daughter. She will be in my thoughts daily that she keeps up the good work and keeps her life turned around as she has done. I will keep in contact with my grandson daily and try to inspire him to turn his life around as well. He has so much potential. It is just so difficult when you know someone is brainwashing and using him. This so called friend dealer lives two lives. One as a model citizen with a real job and the other using kids to do his dirty work and make him money. The more we find out about him the more we know what a low life he is. I am trying to make my grandson see the light as to how he is being used and if he could no longer produce for this guy he would be thrown to the curb while also letting him know I am there for him to help all he has to do is say the word. It is very helpful to hear other’s stories and get a better understanding of this disease and how we can be there for the addict but not enable. Thank you for any suggestions and comments.
christine l.July 6th, 2017 at 4:54 AM
My financially independent daughter 48 is back on pain killers after 6 years of sobriety. She is has migraines and depression. Six years ago her home looked like a hoarders show. We helped her to rehab, payed her debt, completely restored her house, new floors, paint, furniture. A new start. My words to her were I love you, this is it, if you ever go back to drugs, you have lost me as your Mother. We are here. Looking for advice.
momceeJuly 6th, 2017 at 10:18 AM
Christine, I hear your ‘I”M DONE WITH ALL OF THIS!”. And rightfully so. But how can a parent separate oneself from this type of pain? Our 21 year old daughter is on the fast track down. I know the constant pain! Our once bright-eyed, vivacious, gregarious, brilliant, amazingly creative and artistic girl has been ‘gone’ for a long time now. Drugs, dangerous and impulsive choices, sketchy people…this has become ‘normal’ life for her. Regarding your daughter, I see that you have done SO SO much for her in hopes that this one time, just maybe, she will turn herself around and get back on track. I can’t tell you how many times we have tried to help our daughter get ‘back on track’. The pain, worry, exhaustion, financial depletion we parents experience, it robs us of our joy…many say it shouldn’t, but how can it not? I find great hope through my faith but struggle with finding hope in this very broken world! The thought of living the rest of my life feeling so hopeless for our girl, is terrifying. I want me and my husband to enjoy our retirement one day but the constant worry , concern and our daughter’s continuing drama and self-inflicted situations, constantly consumes us. We are tired. I don’t want to be her mother any longer but I know that she does not have anyone who actually ‘loves’ her…not in the dark, lonely and life-sucking ‘world’ she has built around her. As a mom, I’d like to add my ‘advice’ as you are looking for here. We can never NOT be their mom anymore. We will always be. Perhaps letting your daughter know that you will love her that no matter what she does in this world and nothing will change the fact that you do, nor will it change the fact that you will always be her mother. However, instead of removing yourself as ‘mom’, instead remove yourself as ‘enabler’. “I love you my daughter. Nothing you can do or say will ever change the fact that I love you nor will I ever stop being your mom. But I can not help you anymore. I’ve done all I can do for you and I can no longer financially support you or put any more physical effort into helping you get your life back on track. This is not the type of relationship I want to have with you. The choice is yours. You’ve done it once and you can do it again! I will pray for you and I will be waiting for you but I can not longer ‘help’ you get healthy. It’s your choice”. Ya, words can be easy to say but so excruciatingly difficult to carry out. So I pray. Pray. Pray. Pray. “Dear Lord, give me the strength to endure this race. Cover my daughter with Your loving arms and guide her according to Your plan. Replace painful thoughts with loving prayers for my prodigal child. Place her in the path of compassionate and godly people. Open her eyes to Your light and flood out the darkness. Make within her a willing heart to seek out appropriate and effective mental health care and provide for her needs, oh Father! Walk with her dear Lord because I can no longer do so. Replace my doubts with a hope that only You can give. Strengthen me for this battle. May I be my daughter’s warrior through intercessory prayers!! Protect her dear God! Put a wall of light around her that will cause Satan to turn its eyes away from and loosen its grip on her. Please bring my beautiful daughter back to life through You. ”
KimJuly 6th, 2017 at 10:21 AM
I would encourage her to seek help. That is really all you can do. I would let her know that you love her but you are not supporting what she is doing to herself. Good luck.
septemberAugust 27th, 2017 at 5:07 PM
Don’t enable anyone in their addiction even if they are finally in a treatment center, and going to aa ca meetings, etc. its wonderful that they are, but people will only change when the pain to remain the same is greater than the pain to change. by paying off all his/her bills, taking away any consequences for their choices so they don’t have to pay it, even bailing them out of jail, is only keeping them from getting better. until they feel that pain from consequences the change will not be permant. they need to feel the pain. it is selfish to take that away from them. or they don’t learn. Do not pay your childs bills for them, get them a house, car, etc, if they are finally in a treatment center etc treating their disease, that is great, that is ok to support, but do not help by removing consequences they brought on themselves from their addiction or they will not learn. i am speaking from expirience, and i learned the hard way. falls in line again with tough love, but it is what will more permanantly help and save them. if you do this, you are only relieving yourself from pain, by trying to remove those consequences, which is selfish, not doing what it takes no matter how painful it is to save your loved one. i just wanted to write this in because of something someone put in here about doing this.
TerryJuly 6th, 2017 at 3:28 PM
ElenaJuly 13th, 2017 at 5:47 PM
I read all your posts its all beautiful and true I know the feeling of hopeless and exhaustion , being a mother of a daughter with an addiction is heart breaking. The past 5 years my daughter has done horrible things to herself, all that comes with being an addict and huffing chemicals. She broke my heart I never ever image my little girl, my baby would want this kind of life for herself. She is a very smart, intelligent beautiful young lady. She attended a military school during her High School, her dreams was to enlist into the Air Force and make a life as a solider. She had all she wanted as a little girl, I really don’t know what had happened. I spend time alone on those rough days and try not to blame myself. I cry and pray thinking about her, I miss my daughter, I want to hold her, tell her over and over how much she means to me and I love her with all my dear heart. She will be heading to prison for a felony, because she was so messed up, she stole a car and the police on a chase, she was alone and no one was hurt. She has been to several rehab, this demon she fights will not let her go. “She had told me this demon is to strong mom” I told her “if you want to live …fight him! you have a little brother that missed you everyday and family that love you so much” Not a day goes by… I am afraid I am going to lose her…. I wouldn’t know what to do…. she is just 20 years old….. I lost my mother at the age of 22 years old I never knew her, she died in a car accident while intoxicated, she was fond of the bottle. The last rehab I was able to see her and hold, I was greatly happy to see her I held her and kissed her cheeks I told her she is a beautiful young lady and I love her and will always be her mother. Her little brother held on to her tight and kissed her cheeks, her dad held her close to him. We forgave her for breaking into our house and taking our valuables, she was charged for theft and breaking an entry. She said ” mom this will be a challenge” I told her I am here for you ….always.
KimJuly 15th, 2017 at 7:49 PM
I pray that your daughter can get the help she needs.
ANJELIKA PJuly 17th, 2017 at 10:12 PM
WE ALL SUFFER THE SAME PROBLEM OMG WHAT WE GOING DO ????? SOMETIMES I THINK IM IN A DARK HOLE WITHOUT NO WAY OUT .
ANJE;IKA PJuly 17th, 2017 at 10:02 PM
I HAVE THE SAME PROBLEM TOO MY LIFE IS SO MISERABLE MY DAUGHTER 26 YEARS IS ON DRUGS SINCE 2000. SHE HAD STROKE 7 YEARS AGO CAUSE OVERDOSE MY GRANDAUGHTER IS 8 NOW HAD BEEN IN A FOSTER HOME FOR 15 DAYS CAUSE SHE FELT IN THE DRUG TEST 1 1/2 SHE FIND A BOYFRIEND PORTUGUESES GUY WORST THAN HER ( SORRY MY ENGLISH IM FROM BRAZIL NEVER WENT TO SCHOOL HERE ) AND MY HEAD THINK TO MUCH WHAT IM GOING DO SOMETIMES A PRAY TO GOD TAKE HER , SOMETIMES A PRAY TO POLICE ARREST HER AND SHE CAN GO IN JAIL FOR MONTHS SO SHE CAN STOP , SOMETIMES I WANT TO TIE HER IN A BASEMENT FOR MONTH DONT LET SHE GO OUT SOMETIMES TO TAKE HER TO BRAZIL AND PUT HER IN A FARMER WITHOUT NOBODY JUST ME AND MY FAMILY I DONT KNOW WHAT TO THINK I GO CRAZY ME AND MY FAMILY SHE THE ONLY ONE HAVE THIS TERRIBLE MISERABLE PROBLEM . I NEED HELP WHAT I CAN DO BESIDES TALK TO GOD THIS IS A KARMA ? MAYBE ? I DONT KNOW BUT HER FATHER HAD THE SAME PROBLEM ALL HIS LIFE AND HIS DIE 3 YEARS AGO. AND ALL THE SAME SHE SAY IS MY FAULT I THINK ALL SAY THAT RIGHT ? EXCUSE SO WE CAN BE THE GUILTY
ReenJuly 19th, 2017 at 10:43 PM
My 41 yr old alcoholic son is raising his 4 yr old daughter alone and I don’t know what to do. Because he doesn’t live with me, I can only go by what others who are with him a lot, share with me and the things they share scare me. I love my son with all my heart, but my concern for my 4 yr old grand daughter over-rides that. He is a grown man………..She is just a child. I KNOW that she has to come first and that I need to do whatever it takes to make sure she is ok. I’m just not sure “how” I can help and I’m scared that if I report him, I will lose both of them forever. And like I said, I haven’t seen anything myself………..I just hear troubling things about his drinking from others. Whenever I see him with his daughter, he’s a great dad and she seems very happy, so I’m so confused as to how to deal with this and what I can and should do. Any advice would be very much appreciated. Thank you.
momceeJuly 20th, 2017 at 1:12 PM
Reen, I realize the predicament you are in. I believe that the reason you are being told of the goings-on by acquaintances of your son is because they must have witnessed some concerning things. Unless there is some sort of ‘group conspiracy’ going on, these people would have no other reason to share this information with you except out of concern for your granddaughter AND your son. So you having not witnessed it personally, is no excuse to stand back. The number one person to protect here is your granddaughter. I don’t know how close you live to your son & granddaughter…it sounds like you are quite a distance from him. If it was me, I would call the Department of Child Services (DCS) in your son’s hometown and ask them to do a welfare check and pay your son a visit. Tell them that some friends of his have come forward and told you some concerning things, that your son has a history of alcohol issues and that you have not personally witnessed abuse or neglect from your son towards your granddaughter but that you are acting out of great concern for the welfare of your grandchild. Ask if you will remain anonymous–I believe that you can due to privacy issues and victim rights. After all, the DCS ‘s #1 concern should be the welfare of your granddaughter and not getting involved in a game of tattletale. DCS will come to the home and assess the home environment, your granddaughters condition and will interview your son to get an idea where his head is at. They may also have a short conversation with your granddaughter (even though she is quite young). At the very least, they will be able to make an initial (observational) assessment of her condition and demeanor and look for any obvious signs of abuse or neglect. Understand that if your granddaughter show obvious signs of abuse or severe neglect, she will be removed from the home for her safety. I believe there is a follow-up visit too. Yes, I understand that you are between a rock and a hard place b/c this is your son, but like you said, he is an adult and if anything isn’t right, he needs to be accountable. Yes, he’ll probably get pissed that DCS has paid him a visit, but at this point, your granddaughter’s welfare is priority, NOT your son’s. As a mother, I know how deeply that can hurt and create angst and worry but keep your eye on the goal….that being protection for your granddaughter against harm or neglect that may be occurring. If it was me, I would think of the alternative. The alternative being, remaining silent and simply ‘hoping’ that what people are telling you is just not true. I would rather put up with a raging, pissed-off (adult) child than to find out my grandchild was actually suffering from abuse and neglect yet I chose to look the other way and remain silent. God bless you through all this and I will pray for God’s protection over your granddaughter and that God will fill you with strength to do the right thing .
IreneSeptember 14th, 2017 at 6:33 PM
I am living in pain everyday now my 24 year daughter has a drug problem and she has a 3 year that I take care of . It started really heavy 8 months ago when she started dating this guy . She look horrible lost so much weight , I just don’t know where to started someone help me
JoOctober 18th, 2017 at 11:45 PM
JoOctober 18th, 2017 at 11:47 PM
It is OUR fault if our children are on drugs or doing anything of the sort. We are such wimpy parents these days letting them do what they want or trying to be their friend! Unless they were born with some mental deficiency we are solely responsible for the morals they grow up with…. period the end.
debbieOctober 19th, 2017 at 8:37 AM
I’m sorry but Jo…. not ALL of us parents out here were or are whimpy parents.. I have seen children come from broken homes to the extreme grow up and never touch drugs or alcohol…. just like I have seen many, many times children come from great homes with parents that never did drugs or “whimp out” on raising their kids… So I think you need you educate yourself on addiction there. Question for you… Do you have a child on drugs or have you experienced drug addiction yourself??
ceebeeOctober 19th, 2017 at 10:56 AM
Oh boy, definitely some enlightenment needed here. On what grounds do you make these inferences? Yes, I am insulted and hurt by your comments, but mostly, I am disheartened by your finite viewpoint. Our first daughter was an absolute joy. We set reasonable limits, rewarded the positive behavior and gave consequences for the negative. We always followed through with the rules and consequences. I worked but arranged my schedule so that I could be there for every one of her school events, got involved with all the school activities and programs, ((volunteered) my time to help her classroom and teachers, was present after school and guided her with homework, made homemade healthy meals, ate together as a family, showed affection to one another, did things together as a family, had a healthy marriage, was the ‘go to’ house for all her friends, was the ‘driver to wherever you want to go’ for our daughter AND her friends, always volunteered to be the team ‘mom’ for all her sports, always asking “who, what, where, why” when before she went off with her friends, accompanied her to every one of her practices and competitions, offered support through any ‘crisis’ she was experiencing and encouraged her to find solutions and work it out. Let’s just say, we were not ‘wimpy’ parents in the least. We gave our ALL in raising her and she turned out to be a successful health care practitioner, wife and mother, a most loving and considerate person she is today at the age of 31. If we had had only had her, we would’ve been patting ourselves on our backs saying, “Wow, we really did a great job raising her”, right? Well, if we had had only HER, we probably would of been saying this and rather smugly, I might add. That’s reality for most people who have a child(ren) who ‘turn out’ to be simply wonderful…we tend to automatically think its because of our great parenting skills that we raised such a great kid. Well I’m here to say, WRONG, WRONG, WRONG! Our second daughter is the polar opposite to her sister. Yes, same genetics, same rules, same consequences, same home life, SAME PARENTS. Except, what worked for our first daughter, did NOTHING to help our second. You see, our second daughter is wired very differently than our first. We noticed this early on as a toddler. Guidelines, rules, consequences, love, support, involvement, encouragement, being-there-ness, did absolutely nothing to influence her. She was wired to be different, to defy, be oppositional, to experiment, take risks and abuse substances. I can’t explain it because it defies logic, but I’m telling you as a parent who has one daughter who turned out ‘perfect’ and one who is struggling just to hang on each day. The fall out from her (bad) choices, risky behavior and defiance are slowly destroying us….something we NEVER excepted after doing all we could to raise her to be a responsible and beautiful human being. Her behavior does not reflect the behavior of her dad or me…if anything, we have demonstrated hard work, responsibility, independence, selflessness, kindness, love and compassion, ALL her life. NO parent deserves a negative outcome from their child, especially when you’ve committed your life to raising a decent human being! So please be careful what you say to others who are experiencing the devastation of a child ‘gone wrong’. You don’t know their walk, their trials, their details or their insurmounaable heartache. You know nothing about who WE are and the struggles we’ve had to endure and continue to endure. If you still believe your ‘theory’ is correct, then answer this question: why do some of the worst parents turn out loving and successful children? I’m interested in and welcome your feedback on my post. thank you for reading my long rant…it was greatly needed here.
PATRICIA Dorothy TESTAWICHOctober 19th, 2017 at 12:28 PM
Nature vrs Nature. There is no one fix all. I whole heartedly agree with your comments but it also boils down to what nature they are born with.
DeeFebruary 10th, 2018 at 5:20 PM
Why are the dates out of order, is there a way to change the order? Thanks
CarlMarch 3rd, 2018 at 7:55 AM
I have a 23 yr old daughter who is addicted to Heroin, living in Victoria Canada. I have been searching all over for a way to help her. Mostly, I have found stories of people in a similar situation….but with no solutions. If anybody has and advice as to how to help it would be greatly appreciated. I am sure she will die soon from an overdose unless there is some help for her. I’m willing to do anything. At the moment I’m not concerned about MY health, just hers. The advice I read about seeking help for parents, etc is nice….but there is almost NO advice about what to do to help a person addicted. This is a matter of life and death and people are dying everyday. Please, no more talk. Please give advice on how to help this situation. I understand the strong addiction requires help and starting with a will to get better. Then detox. Then continued rehab to get used to a life with no Drugs. Is there any other advice or tips on how to help?
JodieMarch 21st, 2018 at 11:42 AM
Hi Carl, if you find a way to make it stop, let me know. I am desperate to do something about my daughter too. The only thing I have hope that will work is the promise to her that once she goes into a rehab program and stops using she can come back home. That hasn’t worked yet, not even with her daughter here.
CarlMarch 3rd, 2018 at 8:02 AM
Is there anyone who has suggestions on how to help? Please. I see many posts of people wanting to help and everyone doesn’t know how. We do not want to read about how hard it is. We want unemotional advice, websites, etc. In the mean time I’ll continue searching for advice. If I find anything I will post again. In my opinion I’d like to do all I can now while she is alive, rather than post notes of “poor sad me” after she is dead. Sorry if I sound frustrated, but I am.
The GoodTherapy.org TeamMarch 3rd, 2018 at 10:26 AM
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JohnMarch 5th, 2018 at 4:40 AM
Hey Carl… I’m with you man. My now 30 year old is (or I should now say “was”) in the same boat. Unfortunately it took having to have her turned in to the police for some felony charges. It’s a long story (as most of these are) but there was nothing we could do either. Having lost custody of her two kids didn’t help either. After a few years of use she was fortunately(?) caught stealing some items while out on probation. While waiting for her court hearing she had also embezzled money from a new employer late one night with her boyfriend. They figured out who stole the money the next day. Weeks later she was picked up after being on the run with a group of other addicts. Ultimately we had found her and in a moment of clarity between heroin highs she was lured to a hotel so she could take a shower and get a halfway decent night’s rest. During that visit the police were called and she she was taken to jail without bail… away from all the heroin. Up to that point there was ABSOLUTELY NOTHING we could do.
As you may have already realized, talking to an addict is a wasted time. The mental decision-making part of their brain is gone. They’ll tell you anything you want to hear. For us, the only thing that worked was having her locked up. The better part of the story was once she was locked up for a few months she was able to get involved in a program while in jail. That program linked her up with another program in Alexandria, VA called Friends of Guest House where she had time to think about her situation and apply. She was very lucky and accepted. This program has worked for our daughter. She has been “clean” for over one year and has been holding a fairly decent job for almost 1 year thanks to the director and case workers at the Friends of Guest House. By no means is the program perfect and it doesn’t work for everyone. These types of places focus on helping women transition from incarceration through addiction recovery by doing all they can to keep these ladies off the street and falling back in to the habit. That said, a lot of the effort still falls on the recovering addict… and it’s not easy. There is an insane number of mandated recovery meetings, counseling sessions, drug screenings, group therapy gatherings and sometimes participation in public education of their story. All that on top of learning to live with others while they too are in recovery, finding and holding a job in the face of employer stereotypes & felony charges and meeting the incessant demands of their probation. It’s crazy tough… and there is NOTHING we could do to help her… aside from words of encouragement.
The one thing worth saying outright is this… YOU cannot fix this. There are no solutions available to you to fix this. It HAS to be her. You can try persuasion to get her to participate in a program such as these. Most addicts will go through these programs 3 or 4 times before they stick… if ever. Most just use them as a way out of jail and it ends up being a temporary distraction. In the end, it’s worth doing the research to find programs in your area to help support your daughter but just be prepared for the long road ahead. It’s daunting for you and hell for her… but if you persist there is a chance your offer of support will actually save her life.
debbieMarch 5th, 2018 at 8:39 AM
Hello Carl, I agree with John. there is nothing you can do to fix this. I also have a son that was addicted to heroin. He had got charges against him and went to jail for a period of time (Thank God) he also went through a program in jail and got out and went into outpatient program and sober living through others that went through addictions and helped others for a place to stay sober at. He was clean for 17 months and had got into a relationship with a girl that was sober for a shorter period of time and they both relapsed.. I was devastated and hoped he would/could turn it around real quick… well he didn’t and he spiraled out of control again.. got busted for shop lifting and was still on probation… back to jail he went.. spent a little more time in jail, was able to get back out on probation and has now been sober 16 months. Its a roller coaster of pain, anger, fear.. and the list goes on and on.. The first time around I prayed like crazy he would get help.. when that didn’t happen, I started praying he would go to jail, that way I at least knew where he was and he was being fed and a place to sleep. He went to jail right away after I started praying for that. 2nd time around I didn’t pray that prayer for awhile because I hoped he could just bounce back… but when he didn’t I started that prayer again. well what can I say. Prayer does work! I hope and pray for your daughter that she will want the help and seek it out soon so it doesn’t take going to jail.. but if that’s what it takes.. that’s what need to happen for her.
JohnMarch 5th, 2018 at 8:48 PM
The crisis is at a fevered pitch and I want to do something. I want to establish a program modeled after Friends of Guest House in Alexandria where women and men are offered the opportunity to be guided through this life altering tail-spin. The only real way to make this happen is to start local but think big picture. It requires major funding for the purchase of properties, support for professional staff such as a director and case workers. It requires monetary support for transportation (many cannot even find a ride to the outreach program and lose their opportunity to even start because the jail won’t release them without transport!). Maybe this is an opportunity to reach out to other existing organizations and help to aggressively expand. I don’t know… how many others out there have this same mindset? I’ve seen the obstacles and how daunting it is for the addict AND the outreach program. They many times just can’t help for lack of funding or physical resources. I watched it happen with my daughter and have seen others fall because there path to success came to an abrupt end through little fault of their own.
Who would honestly like to work toward a plan that offered hope to these lost souls? I’ve seen success and failures. There’s just not enough support out there. I’m ready.
catbeeMarch 21st, 2018 at 1:33 PM
Exactly John. Definitely not enough support out there, especially when our society continues to demonize parents, even good and loving parents.
JodieMarch 21st, 2018 at 11:25 AM
I have a 41 year old daughter that is addicted to meth and a prescription medicine called gabapentin. I have no idea what to do anymore. She doesn’t work, hasn’t worked for years. She has become mentally disturbed. Everything is my fault. I think I have been worn down, because I think it is. She doesn’t live in our house, my granddaughter, her daughter got a restraining order. So now she is homeless. Last night she called me to say good bye, to tell me that she loved me because she was taking all of her seizure medicine, I was able to get ahold of the police who found her. I hoped that they would be able to 5150 her, but I guess not, because not two hours later she was telling me what an awful mom I am. I keep trying to do what I think she would have wanted me to do in her clean days. Mostly I just cry over the loss of her.
catbeeMarch 21st, 2018 at 1:43 PM
Jodie, I hear you sister! Saying that we are emotionally and psychologically exhausted is an understatement! Parents who experience this level of pain often suffer from PTSD, except it’s not just ONE traumatic event, but ongoing. We can’t get out of the trauma. Get support Jodie! Find a 12 step support group in your area–get therapy for yourself. These will help you keep your feet moving in a forward direction, one in front of the other. Honestly, I don’t know how to ‘feel’ happy anymore. Please contact me if you’d like to talk or vent–I truly know the pain you are feeling.
catbeeMarch 21st, 2018 at 1:29 PM
Jodie, you are so right. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think about ‘what’ caused this in our daughter. It is consuming at times. So far, I haven’t been able to pin point anything (not that I would or that there is any one answer). ‘Jo’, who posted the insensitive and ignorant comment and who you just responded to, she says we put our children in the place they are right now. Well apparently, she has NEVER experienced this level of pain. There is no way for her to even begin to comprehend the horror of watching your child destroying themselves. I’m STILL waiting for ‘Jo’ to respond to my request for further discussion. Hmmmmm, I do wonder why she hasn’t responded? Maybe she still has her foot stuck in her mouth, as well as,….oops, I won’t go there.
RachelApril 26th, 2018 at 6:16 PM
As a mother of three adult children i have found it to be very stressful. I am a full time employee working with youngsters. It is very difficult but i feel as hard as it is I am learning to let go and take care of my sanity. Believe me it is not easy at all. Being a helper with kids that struggle with addiction is INSANITY!!!! Holding on to be tough and not enable the addiction is becoming easier. I love my babies but I also need to remember that I need to love myself. I did all that I can unfortunately they may disagree but thats not my problem anymore. I was raised to be responsible and independent and that I have done to the best of my ability. It sucks and all i can do is pray and hope for a brighter tomorrow. Wishing you all the very best!
DonnaMay 23rd, 2018 at 2:04 PM
I son has been using drugs and alcohol for 10 years now. He has lived a life of rehab hoping to hospital hoping and living off the system now for years. This is a shame that just because they have no income they can qualify for food stamps , health care etc. this enables them to just do nothing. I realize that now we call this a decease, but most people I know that get a decease try to get cured. This monster is different it causes addicts to have no motivation, discipline and psychological support to succeed at becoming functioning individuals. My husband and I have tried to give him so many chances to get up on his feet again. We have given our worry up to God now and at most times we have peace about our decision not to enable him. But there are always days where I just scream for change in this situation. I know how you all feel and I pray for all people dealing with this monster. I think our kids want to be well, but the work is to hard for some. Peace be with you all
CatiAugust 27th, 2018 at 11:01 AM
My son is 18 now. We did have him picked up and committed to a mental health facility when he was 16. I look back and regret tricking him and forcing him. I just kept thinking if i could just get him into rehab he could get help. He did go through a rehab program. It did not help. He ran away, we kicked him out ect. Doing our best at tough love. He did come back on his own a year ago. So much damage done during that tough love period. I can tell he has ptsd and anxiety due to it. I regret it so much. He doesn’t want to talk about any of it.
He did graduate high school. Very tough, though. We are all trying to recover from all the damage. I know he is still smoking pot and drinking. I hope he is not doing anymore than that. He just began having dinner with us again and including us in some of his life outside our home. example: Dinner with this girlfriend’s parents. He helps out around the house when we ask. He hugs us and tells he loves us. All positive steps. Some days he seems better than others, clearer, looks us in the eyes. We are loving him as he is right now. He is thinking about his future, but not ready for a lot of pressure. Baby Steps. I do not have any answers for any of you. I just know the pain, guilt, regret and self doubt that sounds like we all are experiencing. I find hope and peace in God alone. It seems as though when I really let go of control and ask God to be with my son because I don’t know the future and I don’t know what to do, something miraculous happens. He always brings me peace and hope. Always. I have to keep reaching, Improving understanding of myself and my family dynamics, growing and living my life better. I can only be helpful and present for his life when I care and are present in mine. I would love the opportunity to be helpful to others. I heard a saying last week. “We are blessed to be blessings”. If anyone knows an organization that could use me, I would like to know.
sherryNovember 18th, 2018 at 6:02 PM
thank you everyone for all your heartfelt comments. yep. I feel all your pain. my addictive daughter. her 2 children. im single but did try for 2 years two raise her children, now 4 and 9 years old. her causing havic almost daily. i could no longer look after the children. one now in foster care, the other with the paternal grandma. my mental and physical health have suffered greatly and i have considered suicide often as all hope seems gone most of the time. i do though continually seek help through the Canadian Mental Health. i now have read all of your comments and have hope that life is worth living. And yes i too was an awesome, caring, nurturing, loving mom
catbeeNovember 19th, 2018 at 9:24 AM
Sherry, my heart goes out to you! Reading everyone’s comments here, its apparent that we are not alone! I think my biggest struggle is that I’m constantly looking back, reviewing my life, trying to figure out what I could have done differently. Our first daughter was a joy to raise. Our second daughter was the polar opposite. Both our girls grew up in a stable home with (same) two loving parents. I was equally involved with them both throughout their lives, Ours was the home all their friends ended up at and enjoyed the most as I loved to cook for them, do art projects in the backyard, have ‘camp outs’ in the summer, invited their friends to join us on family vacations, volunteered in their schools, clubs, sports, advocated for them when they struggled in school and the list goes on. I am not trying to toot my horn here, just making a point that even involved and loving parents can have a child who, for whatever reason, is wired differently and painfully struggles. Our youngest daughter is 22 and I’m just now beginning to fully accept that, yes, , I did everything I could do and yes, I DID a good job too! Yet, part of me died years ago because I watched our beautiful, (very) smart and inquisitive daughter die to anxiety, depression, insecurity, hopelessness, drugs and negative influences in her life. For years we’ve tried to get her help (many therapists, interventions at school, etc) but she resisted them all. I can’t change who she is but I continue to tryand love her the best I can, all the while she spits ‘venom’ in our faces. You did the best you could do too and it was never your responsibility to raise her children. You’ve done your job. Are we perfect? Absolutely not. But I do know this, there are many horrible parents out there who end up with children who turn out to be well adjusted, happy and successful and there are many wonderful parents out there who’s children struggle all throughout life and wreaked havoc on their parents, family and friends. Sherry, please continue to seek mental health often, forgive yourself, find meaning in moving forward, re-find yourself and learn something new and make that the focus. And know that you are not alone in this pain.
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