Should I Tell My Therapist I Have a Crush on Him?
Dear Crushing,
Thank you for reaching out with this honest question. I commend you for having the courage to admit this is happening and to seek counsel for it.
You may be surprised to know that what you are experiencing with your therapist isn’t uncommon. In fact, what you are likely experiencing is a phenomenon known as “erotic transference,” which is when a person experiences feelings of love or fantasies of a sexual or sensual nature about his or her therapist.
It is easy to see why you might have developed these feelings. Your therapist may embody many, if not all, of the qualities you may desire in an ideal mate. The therapist is accepting, attentive, kind, and nonjudgmental and, for at least an hour every week, fully engaged with you. One of the problems with this sort of situation is that you are falling for an image you have of the therapist, not for who the therapist actually is. You know very little about him, and you have used your imagination to fill in the rest. You have created a fantasy of sorts of your unmet needs and have imagined that the therapist is that person.
It is not “nuts” to share this with your therapist—in fact, it can actually become a significant turning point in your relationship with him. In many cases, this deepens the therapeutic work and allows you to process things on a much deeper level. It will take courage and trust for you to share this with your therapist, but taking that kind of risk in therapy is necessary for growth.
It is not “nuts” to share this with your therapist—in fact, it can actually become a significant turning point in your relationship with him. In many cases, this deepens the therapeutic work and allows you to process things on a much deeper level.
There are a number of ways in which your therapist might respond. Ideally, he will be able to help you recognize what is going on beneath the “crush” in order to get to the deeper material. Many times, therapists in this situation are able to work with the person in therapy and generate meaningful transformation.
Of course, if he is not comfortable with continuing work with you, he may refer you to another therapist. Unfortunately, there is no way I can offer a definitive answer as to how he might respond.
What he ought not do is share that he has similar feelings or act on any feelings. As you mentioned, there are rules in every state that forbid romantic relationships between therapists and the people they help for a certain time period after termination of the therapy (it depends on your state). Regardless of state regulations, the ethics code of the American Counseling Association (2014) specifies that there must be a five-year period between the end of the counseling relationship and the start of a sexual or romantic relationship. It would be highly inappropriate, unprofessional, and, yes, illegal for your therapist to do anything other than work with you through this or refer you to someone else.
I hope you can navigate this with grace and recognize that what you feel can be and often is a part of the therapeutic relationship. In fact, I can’t think of one therapist I know who hasn’t experienced this, so please don’t feel as though you are an anomaly. It’s very normal, but the important thing is how you handle it; be honest, sit with his response, and most of all, treat yourself with the deepest level of care and compassion you can muster.
Best wishes,
Lisa
Lisa Vallejos
- 27 comments
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addie
January 2nd, 2016 at 5:22 PMyes I would tell so he could help you find someone else to work with, I think that it would be too uncomfortable to work with him after telling.
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Kim
January 4th, 2016 at 5:04 PMUgh I think that this would put everyone in an awkward situation
I think that if you think that you can go through with therapy without this getting in the way of progress then this is information that should most definitely be withheld. -
Marco
January 5th, 2016 at 10:33 AMJust keep that one as your own little secret. It’s not like if this is a professional that they are ever going to drop everything and then get involved with you. Keep it as your own secret little crush, gives you something to look forward to every now and then when you go to their office.
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Katrina
January 6th, 2016 at 11:19 AMThis has to be very common when you are working with someone who helps you in so many ways, and you start to think that this is the kind of person that you need to have in your life, and then you think why not this person? I would guess that this is pretty common, but that most of the time after you have those initial crush kind of feelings that you will start to see that this is not feasible and you can just appreciate this person for what they are doing for you, not that you have to be in a relationship with them.
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Lorraine
January 6th, 2016 at 6:12 PMOh for heaven sake, keep quiet. This is an age old common problem. Just keep quiet or leave.
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David S
June 23rd, 2016 at 6:06 AMYou’re wrong. As long as this person knows that her therapist is off limits she should tell him. I’m going to share with my therapist that I have a crush that I want to go away. I’m also going to tell her that I know she is off limits.
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KB
January 6th, 2016 at 6:33 PMIts called transference . . . . normal and if you talk about it with your therapist he will help you work through it and make you find the reasons you are going through transference .. it actually has nothing to do with the therapist but more about what is missing in your life transferring those feelings onto your therapist … Its very normal and nothing to be ashamed of! Its not healthy to keep it from your therapist because it will get in the way of your healing .. trust me, the therapist will know how to handle it.
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Ala
January 8th, 2016 at 1:26 PMSnap out of it. In your dreams, not ever going to happen. It is against the LAW. Any good therapist would refer you to someone else. Find an accessible man!
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donna
January 8th, 2016 at 4:54 PMIt’s common to develop “feelings” of transference. For your continued healing it’s best to discuss with your therapist. Your therapist is not going to be unprofessional but will talk to you & either help you process the feelings and /or refer to another therapist. You will eventually see that it was an image you created of your ideal mate with qualities you desire in a mate.
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Counter
January 8th, 2016 at 7:50 PMWhy not be honest with the therapist. Love Or hate or disappointment or reverence, why not share the feeling?
The therapeutic relationship is one of the top 5 topics clients discuss, and the most important one in terms of moving the rapport along, progressively.
The erotic transference is completely expected, and like all topics, needs to be talked about -
Larry
June 23rd, 2016 at 8:15 PMcurious about what the other 4 are ?
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Tiffany
May 15th, 2016 at 3:52 PMAs a therapist myself, I can guarantee you the feeling is not mutual. He is doing his job by being supportive. It would be unethical otherwise. It may cause him to think that the therapeutic relationship has been compromised and he may need to refer you to someone else. If you want to share this with him don’t expect him to welcome those thoughts with open arms.
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David S
June 23rd, 2016 at 5:55 AMYou’re wrong, Tiffany! I have feelings for my therapist that I want to not have! I’m going to talk to her about it and as a professional, she will help me work through it. I understand that she’s 150% off limits, and I will let her know that.
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Dr. Lisa Vallejos
June 24th, 2016 at 2:09 PMSadly, Tiffany, that is not correct. Many therapists have crossed that line and have caused significant harm to their clients and our profession.
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Anonymous McAnonymous
June 25th, 2016 at 1:44 PMIt is fine to address this with your therapist if you want to get over the feelings. I’m very nervous about doing this, but I am going to tell her. I’m going to tell her about my crush and that I realize she is completely off limits. I will feel better after doing this and she will help me.
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PoisonArrow
July 5th, 2016 at 1:25 PMI told my counsellor I loved him, he understood and said he was married but he would help me work through it, I felt bad for telling him but I had to tell the truth, nothing further was mentioned which was good
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blusunset
September 13th, 2016 at 11:00 PMAll these comments are so helpful. I was starting to crush on my therapist, but I see now what it is and it makes perfect sense! I prefer not to say anything, because he’s really helping me through important stuff, and I have no idea how he will respond.
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PoisonArrow
September 14th, 2016 at 11:02 AMI think the term is called “Transference”
I won’t be entering into any sort of relationship with my Therapist, I think at the time I just needed some sort comfort, however looking at the bigger picture this is not healthy for both parties and best to leave it. -
EG
November 10th, 2016 at 8:02 AMI have a huge crush on my therapist. We’ve only just began our sessions (there were 3 to be exact). The moment i saw him for the first time, i got weak in the knees. I haven’t had a reaction like this for anyone for 16 years. I don’t know what to do. Should i tell him? Should i just stop seeing him? He lives very close to my, we bump into each other on the street, or in the supermarket. I can’t stop thinking about him, it’s like a torture….
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catherine
May 19th, 2017 at 7:05 PMI’ve been seeing my psychiatrist for twenty years….he’s brilliant and extremely dependable. Of course I love him…I’m grateful he’s available to me. I have no illusions about anything between him and I except doc/patient.
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salma
May 30th, 2017 at 3:15 PMi love my psychiatrist
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Rina
October 25th, 2017 at 3:38 PMI am beginning to have feelings for my therapist and am also wondering if i should tell her or not. I know she is married and off limlits. But i too would like to understand why i am feeling this way about her.
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A Psychiatrist
October 26th, 2017 at 2:55 PMI work with patients daily who trust me with their thoughts, their secrets, their emotions and their most personal information. I am honoured to be able to assist them in their journeys to healing. I care for them as people, but only in the way that someone shows common decency to others. Sometimes, if working with a teen (especially one struggling a lot with self esteem), I will tell them that he or she is likable, that I think he or she is a good person. I will point out his or her strengths and try and empower them. This is my job, to help each person address their hurts, heal, and see their true potential. My patients listen to what I say and I feel it is very important for them to hear of the positives, as so much of the world doesn’t build a person up. Persons from chaotic backgrounds have a very negative distorted self image, which I repeatedly challenge, gently wearing it down. I work with a number of survivors of sexual abuse, even persons with DID. I give honest feedback to all, but try to keep it kind (Bambi’s mother was smart). I know some of my patients care deeply for me. With my profession comes the utmost responsibility – to never harm a patient. I may be the first healthy attachment figure he or she has met. If a patient had feelings that needed to be explored, I would happily help them understand why they are viewing me in a particular light. Therapy is meant to be a supportive environment to work through ones feelings. A person likely has many ‘relationships’ in his or her life, but only a few good therapists. My patients need me in the therapist role. I will happily help them navigate relationships with other.
If you are disclosing your feelings to your therapist or psychiatrist, I think that is reasonable; it is important to understand why you are ‘attracted’ to him or her. However, I would say sexually explicit comments are NOT appropriate to share, as I think that crosses a line and it may be difficult to continue the therapeutic relationship at that point.
I agree with KB, donna and Counter above. -
fried potato
May 23rd, 2022 at 8:36 PMI am developing a crush on my therapist for the last past months . I use therapy as an excuse just to talk to her . I don’t care what everyone says I’ll never tell her, because i don’t want to stop seeing her even though she’s married and has a family . I can’t stop thinking about her .
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A therapist
November 5th, 2022 at 10:03 PMTransference—the client developing feelings for the therapist, and countertransference—a therapist having feelings for a client, are both normal human experiences. As a therapist, I have had clients tell me they have feelings for me. I express appreciation for their vulnerability and use this as an opportunity for therapy. First, I psychoeducate them about transference/countertransference. Second, I normalize attraction. It happens. You could be in a grocery store or restaurant and find the cashier or waiter attractive. Third, I gently yet firmly make it clear that nothing sexual or romantic can or will happen. Fourth, as long as they understand number 3, and as long as the attraction doesn’t become a distraction for them, therapy can (and I think should) continue. As someone said, this may be the first time a client experiences a healthy connection or even a healthy attraction. One of the main interventions in therapy is to teach (and model) that you can have emotions and not act on them. Having the emotion is normal (and even healthy.) Acting on them (if they are sexual or romantic) is not healthy in therapy. Though transference often happens when the client sees something in the therapist that they need and want, I don’t think it is only that. Sometimes a client may genuinely like and feel attracted to the actual therapist. In other words, sometimes transference is made strictly symbolic. I don’t think it is strictly symbolic in every situation. And if the therapist feels attracted to the client, again, it doesn’t necessarily mean the therapist has unmet needs that he/she is transferring to the client. The therapist may genuinely and deeply connect with the client. Again, this is a human emotion and experience. Now the therapist won’t express this or act on it. But the feelings do come. Again, this is normal. It just means that therapists are human beings. If the client expresses attraction to a therapist or even asks the therapist if the therapist is attracted to the client, an honest conversation can happen that will be therapeutic—assuming the therapeutic alliance is intact, and that the process has been ethical thus far. The therapist can honestly say that he/she is or is not attracted to the client—this would happen in any other healthy relationship between human beings navigating attraction or a lack of attraction. Whatever the answer, the ethical duty remains—nothing can or will happen between the therapist and client that is unethical/immoral/illegal. The emotions aren’t unethical/immoral/illegal. Acting on the emotions is the issue. Talking about the emotions can be extremely beneficial. Again, again, and again: All of this depends on the situation and the person. With some situations, the therapist may need to immediately end the therapy and refer the client out if therapeutic harm would occur otherwise. With other situations, therapeutic harm may come BECAUSE the therapist ends the therapy. It depends on the person and situation. What is clear and undisputed is that NO sexual or romantic touching or conversing happens in the therapeutic relationship whatsoever. However, these feelings can be expressed and discussed IF it will be more helpful to discuss/express them than to not discuss/express them.
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Nas
November 21st, 2022 at 3:47 AMHow do you stop it? I mean .. this person we open our selves up to … someone above said .. for one hour of a week .. there is someone who appears to be everything we need them to be so … how do we stop the transference … however ‘symbolic’ …
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RHarmony
December 22nd, 2022 at 2:19 PMErotic transference is happening for me toward my therapist because I believe he is symbolic of my unmet need for healthy attachment. The nature of my trauma was that I sought love and there was none. Over and over again. My therapist is providing the resources and the safe place for me to find and feel truly cared for. I have A ‘crush’ , but would call this transference more than anything. I am totally aware I do not want this to progress into an actual romantic relationship, but because he makes me feel safe I know I can feel these feelings and explore why I have them. Although I won’t tell him, I am aware enough to explore them on my own. He gained my trust a while ago. I know if I did tell him he would help me work through it, but I hope to be able to go through this process and eventually split or separate the feelings from the therapist, by myself. I’m aware he may know, or notice, but it doesn’t need to be said. We can continue the therapeutic process regardless. Hope this helps someone else. Merry Christmas 🎄
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