I Don’t Love My Husband Anymore. Is It Time for a Divorce?

I'm wrestling with whether to ask my husband for a divorce. He hasn't cheated on me, I'm sure about that, nor have I cheated on him. Twenty-two years into our marriage, I just don't feel any spark for him anymore. He's a good man and a good father, but I'm not attracted to him at all. Our interests are quite divergent, we barely talk about anything other than big stuff (bills, vacations, errands, etc.), he hasn't come on to me in years, and I don't think I'd respond to him if he came on to me today. And it's not that I'm experiencing some sort of sexual dysfunction; I still harbor deep cravings and I see men all the time I'm attracted to in that way. I do love my husband, always have, but I don't think I'm in love with him. Actually, I'm sure I'm not. I know we have it better than some long-time couples—we get along, don't really fight much, we've raised great kids who treat us with respect, and we're in good shape financially as our retirement years near. So maybe I should just be happy with what I have ... but I can't seem to escape this feeling that there's something more than this, and I'm seeing time slip-sliding away. Can you shed some light? Thank you. —To Leave or Not to Leave
Dear To Leave or Not to Leave,

Before I jump straight to the heart of your question—to divorce or to not divorce—I’d like to take a moment and encourage you to consider some intermediate steps.

What I hear you saying is that while you love your husband, have a generally positive relationship, and are companionable, you feel as if there is something missing from your relationship, something you do not want to do without for the rest of your life. I wonder if he feels the same way.

What might it be like to open a dialogue that celebrates the time that you’ve had together and opens up a discussion about what you each want for your remaining years? If you haven’t let your husband know that you aren’t satisfied with the status quo, you have not given him, nor you, an opportunity to see if your relationship can change. That seems unfair, and it does not honor the relationship you have shared these many years. It may be that he also feels unsatisfied and doesn’t know what to do about it. You can’t know unless you begin communicating with each other.

There are couples who work together to reignite the “spark” that has faded. There are some who stay married, yet change the expectations of their relationship so each can get their needs met. There are others who decide that separation or divorce is the best option for them. Figuring out which path is for you should be, at the very least, a conversation rather than a unilateral decision.

These conversations can be challenging, often because we are afraid to hurt those we care about. Imagine, however, the depth of hurt when one is blindsided by a request for a divorce with no indication that one’s partner is unhappy. You both deserve better than that—as does your relationship.

I encourage you to get the support you feel you need in broaching these topics with your husband. He might be hurt to learn that you are not satisfied with your relationship, but he also may be relieved to finally be talking about it. If you are hesitant to open up a dialogue on your own, you can work with a couples counselor to explore these issues. Divorce is a big step to take, with logistical, emotional, and financial ramifications, but if the two of you are open with each other, explore options together, and ultimately come to that decision together, the chances of retaining the positive spirit of your relationship are significantly greater.

Best of luck!

Erika Myers, MS, MEd, LPC, NCC is a licensed psychotherapist and former educator specializing in working with families in transition (often due to separation or divorce) as well as individuals seeking support with relationship issues, parenting, depression, anxiety, grief/loss/bereavement, and managing major life changes. Although her theoretical orientation is eclectic, she most frequently uses a person-centered, strengths-based approach and cognitive behavioral therapy in her practice.
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  • sondra

    April 25th, 2014 at 10:32 AM

    Been there done that! Not the divorce but feeling like I wasn’t in love anymore and I am sure that he has felt the same about me. But I read something interesting one time that said something like feelings in any marriage will ebb and flow and sometimes you might be more in love with your spouse and then sometimes it could be the other way around but that doesn’t mean that you want to end the marriage. It just means that you have entered a new stage of the relationship and that the feelings are still there, they just need to be surtured. I responded to this because that felt right, not that I didn’t love my husband but just that we might be a different places but I knew that if I held out that eventually we would make our way back to each other and we have. I think that with some work this could happen for you too.

  • Marylyn

    August 24th, 2016 at 1:01 AM

    I really relate to the story told by “the other side” and “Jason”. I have been married for 27 years and fallen out of love with my husband. We have spoken at length about this but he refuses to accept. He breaks down and cries and makes me feel sorry for him. I do feel sorry and very bad that I am causing his agony/depression but at the same time I also want to be happy and I know that I cannot with him. We are different people now and I have different needs. I am currently seeing someone else and my husband suspects. The other person makes me happy and sexy but I do not want to marry him – just be in a loose relationship for now. I have gone for therapy and I whilst I have made the decision to leave my husband in my head, I have not actioned it out because I feel sorry for him and wander what he will do if I leave him and I worry what family and friends will say about my behaviour. I love the other guy and want to be with him. Desperate!

  • Angela

    August 29th, 2016 at 8:10 AM

    I am in the same boat your are in. Been married for 21 years. Hasn’t pay attention to me for years. It was his way , and not a very good communicator. I would beg him to talk me and tell him little things matter. He fights depression at many points in our relationship. I have two beautiful children one in college and second will be gone in two years. He always would dull his feeling with drinking and other things. I have nice life other than fact that I am not in love with my husband any longer. I was in love with him first two years and than he changed. Well light bulb went off when I told him I was not sure of my feeling any longer. I am trying to keep our family together. Around year ago I started talking to someone which was my ex husband. I have such strong feelings for him. I never felt this way about someone. I found out what was missing in my life. It was love. I just was doing what is right and never doing wrong thing. I so want be happy. Can’t live much longer like this.

  • e25

    August 29th, 2016 at 7:58 PM

    @the other side. My advice is based on lessons I’ve learned:
    – don’t make a rash decision about your marriage. It took me and my husband 2yrs but it could take longer or shorter for you, as long as you continue to be patient, understanding of the other person’s point of view, there is hope.
    – dont just talk about the issues, show that you care through actions. Be considerate and thoughtful of her needs. Love will turn to hate but hate will grow back to love as well. I can attest to that. People just need time to heal, forgive, and open their hearts again. My frustration with the marriage and life that we had were replaced with thoughts of the old times when we had happy memories together and when I see traces of the man I fell in love with, it kept giving me hope. Ultimately though, he couldn’t love or trust me like before, even if he was the one that begged me to stay, so I decided for the last time that it is over.
    – love is not enough to maintain a relationship. There should be trust, respect, patience, understanding your partners point of view.
    – people will either change or not change because of events that affected them or because they grow up differently, the key to a lasting marriage is being able to adapt to that. AND if you can both agree on the same goals because having that focus will help you avoid breaking apart again.
    – letting her go can just mean giving her a chance to contribute to the marriage in her way and supporting that. OR setting her free after you know in your heart that you have looked at your marriage from every angle and tried to save it that way but it still didn’t work. If you agree to end the marriage, it would be because you have done your best to communicate and resolve your issues together but couldn’t. And pray. Pray that you are doing this not for yourself, but for everyone else’s happiness. Because it would be the best for your kids and wife. Knowing what’s right in your heart and acting on it will bring you peace.
    My husband and I couldn’t figure out why our marriage sucked until we both admitted what we needed in a marriage and despite our willingness to compromise, in the end we were holding each other back from living the life we truly deserved that we realized this is love. It is not selfish. And so our struggle to save our marriage has ended and a chance to find happiness begins. We still support each on some level but distance will allow us to focus on moving forward, not in circles. It took us the last 2 years to finally understand each other in the 10+yrs we were together.

  • kelley

    September 18th, 2016 at 5:08 PM

    I’m in the sane boat. i asked to be seperated a few mts ago… he ignored me… i asked for divorce friday… i feel bad for him… but i need to put me 1st… married 18years. last 10+ he has put me in bankruptcy.. hasn’t paid mortgage in 18 months.. i dont want to live like this.. when confronted he likes to try to blame me. my kids are seeing a sh$tty marriage and i dont want them to think its ok. hes out of work… trying to collect my daughter is depressed and has anxiety… i want him to leave… how do i put my foot down and stop being mrs nice guy?

  • KJ

    December 9th, 2016 at 2:07 PM

    I worry for you. You don’t know it right now but what you’re doing you’ll regret the rest of your life.

  • Rose

    January 30th, 2017 at 12:11 PM

    I have been married for 10 years and have three beautiful children, I have been really depressed and realized that I am no longer happy in my marriage. I have asked my husband for a divorce 3 times already and his response is that he can not let me go but I am so unhappy. Just recently my high school friend message me and told me that he has been trying to find me for 11 years and our relationship he wants to rekindle. My love for him never disappeared and all those emotions that I use to feel when I was with him are coming back and I just don’t know what to do.

  • EVAN

    January 31st, 2017 at 8:37 AM

    Rose, have you tried working it out with your husband or did you just go to and ask for a divorce? I understand that you are unhappy, but leaving your husband for a fantasy doesn’t seem like a great idea. Especially since you have 3 children that may not immediately benefit from your past long lost boyfriend. I am not asking you to stay unhappy, but it seems as though most spouses think that happiness can only come from change. I say that you should be completely honest with your husband find out if he is willing to work on your marriage. Is that something that you would even consider or do you have your mind already made up?

  • Xyz

    May 12th, 2017 at 5:35 AM

    I wish some one could give the right answer to our problem. 😳

  • Joy

    June 8th, 2017 at 5:53 AM

    I can tell you one thing. You will never figure it out with another man in your life. It is too distracting and will not give the honor and respect to the vows that you made to do this that way. Stolen waters are sweet but they leave you with should of and could of regret. The best thing you can do is end the affair. Seek a resolution with your husband before getting out there with someone else. It takes time and clarity to be with someone and you do yourself and this fling a disservice by just feeding the emptiness with another person. Your husband is miserable and wounded and it is your responsibility to resolve this for him because he is getting two messages. 1 that you don’t love him and 2 that you love someone else. That is confusing and worse than death. I have been in his shoes. See someone who is objective that can help you both walk this out. Neither of you are healthy enough to have the relationship you have or even think about something new without some help and healing.

  • Jay

    April 22nd, 2019 at 10:55 AM

    My wife and I have been married 33 years. 9 years ago, the physical part of our marriage ended. We tried couples then sex therapy. There is nothing physically wrong with her, she’s just not interested. The sex therapist said she needs to come in one on one to talk, and actively participate. When my wife was told this she asked if it was a threat. She never went back to therapy. We are basically roommates. We’ve grown apart, and don’t do a lot of the things we used to do together. Almost 4 years ago, I met someone.. she is now tired of sharing me. The thought of losing this new love breaks my heart. I’m at my wits end.

  • Heather

    September 5th, 2016 at 7:27 PM

    Well Ive been out of love for 5 of the 6 years, in with my bf but I still have love for him. Just not in love. Well the feelings are completely gone now too BC he is so moody. Pushes me away so often and now I dont want to be pulled back. I tried to dump him last year BC I was at my wits end w his nonsense but wanted it to work. He refused to be dumped. Now I’m just going thru the motions. Our anniversary he showed no interest, no intimacy, it was like being out with a roommate. I didn’t even care, no tears, no disappointment, no sadness. I just shrugged it off, realized that was because I’m not in love with him. I wanted us to work, we have a kid, but life is too short. Sad thing is if he had never changed for the worst, I would still be head over heels for him. He might feel the same which is why I’m going to break the news to him tmw. Ready to move on.

  • e25

    September 6th, 2016 at 5:51 AM

    You said you stayed for another year to give it a try but it seemed you’re not even trying because you haven’t done anything different to spark, hopefully, a different result (which is bringing back the spark in your relationship). It would be insanity to think that doing the same thing over and over would give a different result. Going through the motions is exactly the definition of doing the same thing over and over. You NEED to remember the good things you had, what you loved about him to begin with, and you need to remember the “happy” you once were and show that to your partner. Maybe you and him are just in such both pain and misery that you both stopped trying. True story: loving your partner (being in love) again can come back out of feeling numb, if you take away all the distractions that came between you and your partner which started this roller coaster madness. But you and him should also talk about the direction of what you and he want in your life, whether you agree to do it together or separately will ultimately be yours and his choice, OR one of you. It seemed like you’ve made up your mind but I hope you won’t have any regrets later because ANY relationships will start with easy and then go the a comfortable sometimes unromantic phase, that’s normally where you hit the crossroad to stay and leave. It’s choosing/wanting/ committing to that person how any relationship lasts because you can see yourself accepting what he cannot give and accepting what he can give without relying him for your happiness, that’s when you can see for yourself what it is that you really need/ want out of this relationship. Happiness shouldn’t come from your partner, it should come from within you. Your partner merely adds to it. And by consistently reminding him that you appreciate him, may change the way he also sees this relationship. Anyways, just a food for thought on your future relationships. You deserve love, happiness, respect etc. Good luck! Be strong for you and your kid.

  • Ellen

    September 21st, 2016 at 10:17 PM

    I have been married for 21 years; I have a wonderful man who I honestly have fallen out of love with. I love him but not as a husband. I am attractive to him and while we try to do things together, it just isn’t there for me. I make way more money then he does and we are closer to retirement than not. It makes me sad that he will be alone, but I cant keep up this ficade. We have spoken about it, and of course he is crushed. We have a beautiful home, and it is our 2nd marriage. SO here is the deal – he doesn’t communicate, he acts older than he is, I act younger than I am, I have no desire to be with him physically. he never tells me I am cute/beautiful/look nice etc yet other men do. He doesn’t get it. He has agreed to go to counseling but honestly I think I am almost better off single…..oh and his dad is dieing of cancer…..I spend a lot of time with his dad, but I am just not connected anymore, physically, mentally or emotionally. life just fills like the void is getting better. I work full time and spend time volunteering. I feel very present in all I do but missing something and it hurts

  • Mike

    October 8th, 2016 at 9:27 AM

    From the Husband’s perspective here. You need to talk things out with him somehow. You need to tell him what’s going on with you. He may not clearly see all of what you’re feeling or what you’re going through. It doesn’t necessarily mean he’s insensitive, but sometimes things aren’t so obvious to someone who’s in the middle of the situation.
    He also may have limitations that you didn’t realize. Does that mean he’s not worthy of the love you once had? People do change, and they do want excitement in their life. However, the road you both walked to get to where you are, how long was that road? Did it have ups and downs? Did it have good and bad times? Regardless of the mistakes you both may have made, or the severity of such mistakes, you both made a commitment to each other. Before ending it, doesn’t your relationship deserve a re-look with communication and understanding before just arbitrarily ending it?
    Here’s what I had to go through in brief summary. She and I were together for 8 years, married for 2. On our second anniversary, she wrote me a beautiful love letter, saying how she was happy that I chose to be with her, and thanking me for being patient with her and how she was happy in our relationship. Then, one month later, she was going out many nights, sometimes not coming home. For several months she was physically not home 10 days per each month, because she was out, who knows where.
    When trying to talk to her and figure out what was going on (as it was odd behavior all of a sudden), she just got defensive and angry. We didn’t fight after our anniversary, I didn’t cheat on her, nor do anything bad to her. It was totally unwarranted.
    Many attempts to communicate with her about what was wrong, she would just evade the discussion, and when she did speak about it, she said she just didn’t love me anymore. She said she felt that way for a long time, yet a few months prior she writes a love letter to me on our anniversary.
    No one deserves such a situation like the above. You wouldn’t like it either if the roles were reversed. You need to reconcile with him if not for it being the mature thing to do, at least for your piece of mind that you clearly communicated where you were at and attempted to see if you two can salvage all the time you’ve previously committed to each other. If it’s over and can’t be fixed, then fine. However, you both need to communicate about it and try your best to bring it to a close(if it can’t be reconciled) as cleanly as possible.

  • Matt

    January 17th, 2017 at 5:33 PM

    Let us be honest. Women do not really want to be married, they want the idea of a perfect fairytale marriage. They go into marriage with unrealistic expectations and when that doesn’t work out they bail. I’m not sure if women are capable of truly loving another person. It’s just the way they’re wired.

  • m

    January 27th, 2017 at 8:50 AM

    Im so sad for you. I actually share your thoughts and Im a woman. On behalf of whoever hurt you so badly, Im sorry. Im just so sorry your hurt and these are your thoughts. This is jaded and broken and no man, or woman deserves that. I can see your scar and I dont even know you. i sincerely hope you heal one day and find someone who changes your view….. you deserve it. Remember that.

  • Heather M

    April 3rd, 2017 at 5:39 PM

    I’m sorry you feel that way Matt. But we’re not all like that, honestly. I got married almost 18 years ago, and for most of those years I’ve felt alone and hurt. All I ever wanted to do was to get married and make someone happy by giving him all that I had and all I could do. I quit my job and moved for him, raised our two boys, cooked, cleaned, served them all in any way I could. And why? Because when I love someone I want to do and and every thing I can to make them happy and feel loved. Unfortunately it was only abused, and eventually I stopped. It got to the point that I went on anti-depressants, I didn’t even care if I woke up in the morning. And that was because not only was I miserable and hated my life, but my husband robbed me of my passion, the thing that gave me joy in life, and that was being a wife. So you see, we’re not all bad. I hope you find an amazing partner.

  • Sihle

    April 24th, 2017 at 11:51 PM

    People are not the same, some of us has loved a lot and got hurt a lot but hope should die when we do, my point is’ just because you been broken it doesn’t mean you cant be fixed, there is someone out there who will completely change your perspective of love. best of luck.

  • Lindsey

    May 2nd, 2017 at 6:46 PM

    Matt, reading your comment made me feel sad for you, and it also sent a shot of adrenaline through my heart bc I can relate to what you are trying to say in a way…while also completely disagreeing. Every woman does, I believe, want some sort of fairytale, however the fairytale can be as simple as experiencing the most common of emotions found in a good relationship; love, affection, support, understanding, acceptance, protection….all feelings that complete a person in a marriage. It’s funny, my husband’s name is actually Matt as well, although you’d never find him on sites like this bc he never really cared to read articles that may give him insight into what I am needing or worried about in the relationship. I got married when I was 22 to Matt. We are currently still together, although in the beginning stages of a divorce. I go back and forth with what I want. When I think I’m ready to be done with it all…I find myself panicking and changing my mind. I have the “fairytale” . My husband makes six figures at 33, we have 2 children (a boy and a girl), I’ve been with him since I was 17, he was my best friend all through life, he was my night in shining armor more times than he was not, he is decently attractive man, he is a great father, he provides me with the fairytale life. You must be asking yourself what the problem is then? What kind of unsatisfied brat must I be to not be happy or to want more? I have the fairytale life without the fairytale love. If I’m honest with myself, which it took me years to be honest with myself, he never made me feel like I was his equal. I am a beautiful blonde. A trophy wife if you will. That is all I ever felt. I use to bed for affection, or even attention. He always made me feel like I wasn’t worth what he was, I wasn’t as smart as he was, I wasn’t as successful or as much of a big deal as he was. I never fully felt accepted or admired. He let his mother, his sister, his friends, everyone run me over, and he would never have my back. I felt unprotected and unsafe in my own skin during our relationship. We had some incredible, blissful, loving times together, but I was always putting in the work to get us there. I remember rubbing and tickling his back for hours during our first few years together. I tried so hard all of the time. One day I just stopped trying, and I stopped caring. He was once the biggest deal to me, and now I find he is my biggest anchor. I recently tried to fulfill my life in ways he could not; I started going out, experiencing life, and trying to find myself. I met a lot of people and guys that I found gave me more of a fairytale feeling just by “seeing” me, than my husband did by creating the physical perfect fairytale life. I never went too far into the rabbit hole, although he would swear to you otherwise, but it was more of a horrific experience…finding myself and experiencing happiness again…bc it proved I could be happy, if not happier without him. I wanted to feel the way I use to feel without him; desperate for his company and his touch. Instead I found myself as eve did when she took a bite of that apple; enlightened and scared. If my husband were to come to me tomorrow and tell me he was going to take me on a vacation to the one place I’d always wanted to go, made me feel worth it, vocalized that he appreciates me and loves me with all of my flaws…sees me as his equal…I would probably have a chance of rekindling some romantic feeling towards him again. I am flawed as well…like crazy. However, it was never about some superficial fairytale; it was about finding…and maintaining love. So if that is what every girl wants, and if she doesn’t find it she bails…then I can agree that you’d be right. But who wants a marriage without love? Without the fuel that feeds the soul? Acceptance, understanding, affection, the feeling of being safe and protected, mutual admiration. I had my fairytale once, and when I was finally tired of doing all of the hard labor of providing all of those feelings for him without reciprocation, yes, I began to bail.
    And to me it isn’t deciding to bail, it’s deciding to live.

  • SallyForth

    October 2nd, 2018 at 10:33 AM

    Matt, I’m going to forgive you your bitterness about women. But it is not my experience that women are the heartless cows you are describing. To the contrary we are very much the keeper’s of the relationship in most instances. It’s sad that men think they are doing the right thing for a relationship when they are avoidant of issues or taking about issues. Only to be shocked when their wife gives up and seeks what they need elsewhere.

  • Josie Loayza

    May 9th, 2020 at 1:43 AM

    Ten years and two kids but no marriage with a really good man who is a good dad and provider. We get along for the most part and communicate well. He is aware of everything I’m saying here. I don’t love him anymore and do not want to be physically active. I feel we are good friends and can be better friends but not lovers. We are in couples therapy and I am going to individual therapy. I wanted to try to make it work because of my kids but it seems to be affecting them negatively anyway, seeing a loveless relationship. Even strangers are shocked when they find we are actually a couple. He had an affair in the past, it shattered something inside that I have been unwilling to forgive. I often regret not leaving then because it would have been easier since the children were so small. He cried and begged for forgiveness but that was only because he got caught. I don’t trust him and financially I believe he hides money and I have no idea how much we have at all. Its more his business and his money anyway. I have no financial independence and when I saved money on the side I used it so we can move to this beautiful apartment we live at now. I thought it would fix things and help because we were living in a small apartment above his mothers before. I regret that so much because now I barely have any savings and used up my credit cards to buy furniture which he said he would but didn’t. I know he will provide for his children and not leave us to struggle but I will also have to support myself which I really want. We barely have sex, he sleeps on the sofa and we never kiss. My daughter is always asking if I love him and my answer never seems enough to her because its not believable. I am gaining weight, depressed and not doing anything with my life because I feel like Im living this shell of a person. A few years ago I bumped into my ex and all these feelings of being sexy and attracted to a man was sparked and although that wasn’t pursued, it was nice to feel like that part of me didn’t disappear but is buried. I don’t want another relationship even causal because I know I have to heal from this and focus on my children. He wont admit it and denies everything. He says we can make it work and he tries to appease me and make me happy with other things but honestly I just want out. Im not working and haven’t since our first child so it will be difficult. Im very afraid but I also feel excited about the change and challenge. I have always been independent before him since a very young age and resourceful. I am confident things will work themselves out if I only make some change to get it rolling. I know he can find someone that will want to kiss and be touched by him, that would appreciate him for what he is worth. I wish it could be me and I could change how I feel but if I keep pretending Im going to honestly hate him. I also think he is just sticking it out because of the kids and what his family will say. He has a huge close knit family that rarely ever divorces even if its abusive. He is dependent on me for meals, laundry and most of his basic needs and he hates being alone. He wants to do everything together all the time. I enjoy being alone which is impossible with him and two children. Im always cranky and depressed, yelling and miserable. My kids really don’t deserve this. I don’t know how to leave.

  • don

    April 26th, 2014 at 11:04 AM

    Have you even talked to him about your discontent?
    If you haven’t then now might be a good time

  • Tiffany

    June 12th, 2014 at 2:46 PM

    Well the reason I want a divorce – he is possesive tells me I can’t go out with my friends, calls his step daughter, a b**ch calls me a b**ch, he is a alcholic gabler, he gambles our rent, he disrespects me looks at other women, don’t you think it’s time for a devorce? he stalks me, tells me I am talking to some one else. threatens me for thirteen years.

  • Jan

    September 4th, 2014 at 5:46 AM

    Tiffany – what are you waiting for? Get the divorce. You have so many legitimate reasons. Some of us are struggling with the good and the bad which makes it hard to make such a huge decision. You, on the other hand, seem to have more than enough reasons to get him out of your life the best way you can and as fast as you can. What are you waiting for?

  • Despo M

    December 1st, 2014 at 12:42 PM

    I think the only solution is the divorce and I will fight for my children

  • Jannie

    June 26th, 2019 at 11:50 PM

    I have met my husband when I was 20 and he was 33 and his marriage had broken up due to his wife’s infidelity…I had been in a relationship for 4 years with a guy who was the same age as me but was a ladies man and hurt me deeply. My husband was the exact opposite and that was the attraction..we married after 4 years and have been together 36 years but over this time I’ve found I’ve always lived in his ex wifes shadow he loved me dearly but over the years I paid for the long term consequences of her cheating. He has never let me go out and tbh although never physical he used psychological and emotional abuse to control me. There have been some happy times but i honestly haven’t enjoyed a holiday due to his huffy insecure behaviour and over the years he has really knocked my confidence and self esteem. He is a good man and totally faithful but hopeless at communication or airing his feelings the proverbial ostrich. I reconnected with my first love over the years and he says he is deeply sorry for how he treated me but he was young and feels my dumping him helped him become a better man. He is married and lives in Australia but comes home every 2 years and we always meet up and reflect on our past. He is married to by all accounts a great woman and they have 2 children whom he adores. This time when he was home we were intimate for the first time in 33yrs and it felt like I had come home. We both love our spouses but not in love …I’m a wreck as he has just gone back and I probably won’t see him again for 2 years I feel time is running out for us. Neither of us would leave our spouses but I can’t help but imagine my life being soo much more fulfilling and special with my first love. My husband is oblivious but deep down I know he must feel how disconnected we are but will never broach or discuss it. I’m at a loss to know what to do …life is too short to feel this unhappy. We live in a sexless marriage and it’s been like that for years …I don’t want to feel unloved yet loved by someone who unless something terrible happens to our other halves is the only way we could be together. I would never wish it to happen like that…..think it’s a pipe dream has any one advice for me …pleeaassseee

  • Tatiana

    April 27th, 2014 at 7:54 AM

    I think that you should begin the whole process by talking to him about the things that you are most unhappy with and perhaps the two of you can progress from there. You may be unhappy with other things in your life but he becomes the focus of all of that because this is the person you have always vented to and you might not feel that he is being sympatheitc or understanding. I am not saying that it isn’t time to think about divorce but I do think that many times we rush into something thinking that this will be the answer for what we are looking for but it really only becomes a temporary fix, not an actual solution.

  • Helena

    August 1st, 2014 at 7:18 PM

    Thank you. For the last 2 years I feel that I do not love my husband anymore but I also realise that I am not happy with my life as a whole either. My husband is a great person but I feel that we have both totally changed since marriage & have grown apart. I don’t want him near me & haven’t for quite some time. He is 5 years older than me but looks a lot older. He has put on quite a bit of weight while I am trying to keep mine at bay. We have 2 children together but he is rearly here to take part in any day-to-day parenting apart from putting them to bed. I find myself thinking of other people & wishing I were happy with them because I have no interest in ‘us’! Apologies for ranting but I am replying to you because I agreed with your comment!

  • david

    April 28th, 2014 at 3:34 AM

    so complicated- that’s what marriage really is at the essence right? Complicated.
    I have discovered over the years that marriage is a whole lot more work than what I initially imagined that it would be. It is cleaning and compromising and paying bills and raising kids and all sorts of other things that I am sure I was not thinking about at all when I said I Do.
    But it is also commitment and love and trust and having a friend who will be there til the end, so I think that all of this are things that have to have some balance in your life and you have to decide where you are on the spectrim with this person and if you are ready to let go of much of that that the two of you have worked on together for this long.

  • Susie

    April 28th, 2014 at 3:21 PM

    I urge you to not make any sort of rash and unfair decision without at least taking a chance with some kind of marital counseling. You may not realize how much you still care for this person until you go through everything with a trained professional who can help both of you find your voice and express your feelings about what is going on in a way that feels safe and not judgemental. I know that not every marriage can be saved because there are too many that are doomed to fail from the beginning but if you have already invested a lot of time and energy into the relationship then I think that you should at least be willing ot try and give a little of that back with some counseling. It may or may not work but you can always be confident that at least you tried everything that you could to save it before giving up on it for good.

  • Eve

    April 30th, 2014 at 7:35 AM

    I am sure that all married couples have thought about this at one time or another but if everyone who had ever thought about it made the move straight to divorce then there would be none of us who were still married!
    My advice is to not put yourself through this unless you think that you have a really good reason to because a divorce is not for the faint of heart.

  • MaElLe

    May 15th, 2014 at 1:10 PM

    As more women come into their own and recognize their own needs and wants I think that we will find that there are going to be more of us throwing in the towel on unhappy marriages. I don’t think that it is right to give up on your marriage without a fight but at the same time I don’t think that you should have to live a life of unhappiness either. If this is the choice that you feel is the right one for you, and you are well aware of what you feel, then I think that you need to make a stand and do what feels right.

  • Tina

    May 17th, 2014 at 1:50 PM

    Love is not always a feeling, but an action or decision you make everyday.

  • Disappointed

    November 14th, 2014 at 5:21 PM

    I can’t agree. Love is an emotion and we cannot control our feelings. We can only control our actions. What you’re suggesting is that I talk myself into loving my husband every day. Every. Day. Exhausting, and it probably won’t work.

  • Just wrong

    October 13th, 2016 at 2:27 PM

    Absolutely disagree. People like you, no offense, are the reason people get divorced so much now. Love IS an action. Having those butterflies and sweet loving feelings IS a feeling. Think about a really happy moment in your life. When you think of it I’m sure you feel warm and good and happy. Now think of something bad. The worst experience in your life. You probably feel depressed and sad. You can control your feelings and emotions with a simple thought. Now I’m not saying you fake your happiness but happiness is NOT from your partner but from within yourself. That is 100% fact hands down. If he or she is abusive or something like that fine. You deserve so much better but even if he/she was perfect in every way people who believe love is a feeling will ALWAYS lose that feeling. You are never in love forever. That’s fairy tale movie bull. It’s not real unless you choose to make it real. Aka an action to work through it.

    I read this years ago and I still love what this woman said. She was married for 60 years and the reporter asked her how she managed too stay in love with the same man all this time. She said “I wasn’t always in love with him. We both weren’t always in love with each other. You are never going to be in love with each other all the time. The secret is to not fall out of love at the same time.”

  • Diana

    July 13th, 2014 at 7:11 PM

    Definitely in similar boat. Married 26 yrs this September. He had a stroke in 2008 that changed his personality but he doesn’t acknowledge it. Prior, he made poor business decisions so I have been the bread winner for the past 15 yrs. Am tired of these circumstances. He is a good father and hard worker but not making any money. Am tired of supporting entire family. We are friends but not lovers for at least 18 months. Isn’t it time to call it quits? Kids are grown.

  • Veda

    August 2nd, 2014 at 12:32 AM

    Hi think you should talk to your husband about how you’re feeling. When we got married we vowed for better or worse even you said he’s not a bad husband or dad. Get some counseling, fight for happiness with your husband. BEST OF LUCK!

  • Siri

    August 15th, 2014 at 11:37 AM

    Hi, I can understand and I am into my 17th year of my marriage and I already feel like I like my husband but I am not in love with him. I had a rough time bearing things as my husband is a good guy but a child who always needs attention and more of a self centered kind. but he is a good father, a very good one. I also thought that that was the only reason I am in the relationship. But, I feel that u should first confront him with u’r feelings and let him know that u need an emotional involvement which will ignite u’r physical relationship too. But if the wave length does’nt match; I still feel it is not fare for women to hang on to a relation due to fear or guilt. I am sorry if I had offended anyone but, its one life and I dont see why fighting tooth and nail when we are not sure about the other persons response. He does not have to think and feel the same way. maybe he is having a different mind set hence he is in middle age now! Well, but it is given that he is a good guy and u still love him then u must try to make him realize that it is never late to have an emotionally passionate relation in life. it is like food for soul.

  • Naiky

    August 17th, 2014 at 4:26 PM

    Please talk to him and be determined to straighten things out,someone once said always remember the beautiful things in your spouse that made you say I do.

  • Tavia

    August 20th, 2014 at 10:29 PM

    TIFFANY! I was married to someone very similar for 20 year and please believe me he will never change. After leaving him I would often find myself pinching myself to see if my life was real, because I was so happy and free!!!!

  • tara

    August 22nd, 2014 at 7:57 AM

    Relationships r so difficult, ive been wit my partner, for 17 years now, we arent married his never asked its makin me bitter now.
    We have a son together, who is wonderful, he is a great dad.i just dont think i lov my partner anymore and im not sure he loves me either, he said he is tryin but if u lov someone u shouldnt hav to try, should be natuaral? I feel like he doesnt put any effort into me theres always something else, and we dont talk., im sure i could be wit someone that we idolize each other. as my son is gettin older, we r spendin less time as a family an we seem to all be goin in different directions. I cant sleep propley and i think the next thing,will be the sex, that will go. When we hav sex its just sex, doesnt feel like lov, just sex. Im not sure what to do, as theres the finanial side to.

  • Annette B

    August 29th, 2014 at 8:45 AM

    What happens in the future will be determined by what stance you take for yourself and your happiness. It really sounds like counseling is needed. Individually for him and couples’ counseling for the both of you. From what you have described there is a lot of abuse, distrust and insecurity going on. This is more than just going through a bad patch. I wish you the best in finding the support and assisstance you need.

  • uwana

    August 29th, 2014 at 12:28 PM

    Been with my husband 7 years and married 2 years ago with 2 beautiful childrens. He has cheated on me and i burned my wedding dress.went through alot of tears almost every day and domestic vilonce too.we always argued for every little small things. He is kind but very aggresive and abuse me with words.i always have de feeling tat he still cheating on me. He have so many friends and goes missing every now and then. There are times i called him more than 170times but he wont answer my calls. I dont see any love between us.i dont know how to make.myself to love him back. Once upon a time he was my love and life !! What shud i do ?

  • Erika

    August 29th, 2014 at 12:41 PM

    @uwana – please get support from someone locally. You are describing a dynamic that doesn’t sound healthy for anyone, particularly your kids.

  • Kavi

    September 3rd, 2014 at 9:11 PM

    I am 28 years old and married one year ago. My husband cheated on me just in a month of marriage and that too with a shem**e. I tracked all his mail and found that his mail was full of hotel booking for weekend before marriage.i don’t love him. But just beacuse of my parents I am staying with him. I dont feel anything when he touch me.He dosn’t talk to me openly.He loves me a lot and do care for me but I dont know what is missing.every next day I feel like I should divorce this person. Our sex life is also not that good.please help me. What should I do. Should I divorce him.

  • Alwayspositive

    September 25th, 2016 at 2:49 PM

    OMG, why are you still there??
    Ok, hang on. I’ve been married almost 30 years. I have 4 amazing kids, they really are amazing. But my husband became abusive within the first year and I stuck it out. I kept warning him, you are slowly chipping away at my heart. Soon there will be nothing left. And he carried on. There is now nothing left, he hasn’t spoken with my oldest daughter since she was around16 and given the way he treated her, I was quite relieved! I now hate everything about him. The way he talks, the way he walks, the way he sleeps, the way he eats. I have no respect for him, he’s a horrible bully who always still hides behind his parents, and his mother helps him every step of the way. When I first told her he was hitting me,she laughed. She said “he’s only hitting you with his hands, he’s not using a stick or anything”!!!! Seriously, how does that make a difference???? So anyway, I don’t love him anymore, I don’t need anyone to talk to me about it. I hate him. But I’m stuck. Period!!

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    September 25th, 2016 at 8:04 PM

    Thank you for your comment, Alwayspositive. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about domestic violence at https://www.goodtherapy.org/therapy-for-domestic-violence.html and additional information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Erika

    September 4th, 2014 at 10:31 AM

    @Kavi – Nobody else can tell you if you should stay with your husband or not…. not your friends, not your family, not anyone on this discussion board. Given the conflict between the pressure you feel from your family to stay in the marriage and your own feelings, I strongly encourage you to find a therapist near you to help you decide what YOU want to do.

  • Michelle

    September 20th, 2014 at 6:56 AM

    I have been married 6 years to my husband, but have been in relationship for 12 years. We have two children together. I have endured a long time of verbal and emotional abuse. I have often struggled to leave my husband but have stayed hoping he would change. He has an extensive record so I have been the bread winner. About a month ago started taljing to someone else. He foynd iut about it. I am not in love with him any more. I feel. there is someone else more worthy if me. I have lost who i am as a person

  • Sarah

    September 23rd, 2014 at 3:17 AM

    Reading the first response to this OP really shed light on a few things for me. My husband and I have been married for 6 years, together for 12, no children. We are amiable with each other, I am sure he loves me, and I do love him. But I can’t ever remember a time that I didn’t romanticize the feeling of being single again, on my own, doing things my way. I have 1 good friend that I trust and I share these feelings with her, but there’s still so much I do not say.

    If I were to be honest with myself and take a step back and look into my marriage (which I have) I see that this man I married goes to work every day (office job – manager) to support me, us, our home and way of living. He is never harsh or quick to anger with me, always supportive of things that I want to do or think about, whether I ever follow through or finish them or not. He’s handsome, funny, and in all ways has been like a best friend to me the entirety of our years together. He never complains about coming home and the dishes not being done, he always appreciates my efforts of house keeping and cleaning and cooking. He’s so “in to” me that I sometimes wonder why. Yet I still sometimes feel like a trapped rabbit. Though I know he doesn’t wish for me to feel that way.

    We have talked, at length multiple times about things we could do to make things better, things he’d like to see more of (mostly sex) and things I’d like. But the problem is, is that I can’t put my finger on what it is exactly that is wrong with the “him” in our relationship. Which just leads me to believe that the problem is me, in my own mind.

    I don’t write this, so people can give me advice. I know I have a good thing, with a man I can talk to and I know I’ll probably never truly leave him. I am not unhappy per se…just sometimes I feel really unfulfilled. I am putting this out there for other people, who may be going through the same thing I am.

    Without bringing personal spiritual beliefs to the table, I will just say that the only thing I have truly learned throughout this process is that marriage is work. Real hard work. Work unlike anything you’ll ever experience in your life. It’s not always bad work. Hard work can still be good work, and rewarding work. I never find it tedious (thankfully) but mostly just am in awe of how it’s an “every day thing”.

    As marriage goes, you (we) have to wake up every day and make an effort to nurture and love your (our) significant other and your (our) marriage. Every day it’s a decision, to be patient, kind, loving, understanding, humble even, to understand the gives and takes, the ebb and flow. I will also say though, that in order for you to be able to give yourself so freely to love someone they have to be deserving of that love. Abuse is abuse, regardless the form and NO ONE has a right to mistreat you, male or female, as abuse comes from both directions. If you’re in an abusive relationship, you’re not trapped, seek help. If you’re in a relationship where like me, things are just “coasting” and you want more fire, talk with your husband or wife, even if you think it might hurt their feelings. Chances are they might be blindsided, but they’ll respect, appreciate and maybe even thank you for your honesty. At the same time, be willing to listen to their criticisms and requests for change. Marriage is the most complicated relationship I think any of us ever undertake, and communication is key.

    Finally, please make sure that if you are leaving a marriage, you leave for you. Not because you’ve left for someone else, or someone else makes you feel better about you. When you leave any long term relationship you will need to time to heal and lick your wounds. There will be plenty of them. You have to be happy with yourself before you can ever make anyone else happy, or even be happy with anyone else. And I think, that’s where I fell short. Please don’t leave one relationship and enter another the same way. You are too precious and worth more than rushed decisions.

  • Disappointed

    November 14th, 2014 at 5:18 PM

    Good advice, and well meant. But I’m not convinced people can really change that much. As we age we just become more what we were when we were younger: funny guys stay funny, lazy women get lazier, whatever. But fundamentally I don’t think people change. Counselors get paid to tell you the exact opposite, and that makes it hard to trust them.

  • PAUL

    September 14th, 2017 at 3:23 AM


  • sas

    May 27th, 2016 at 1:47 AM

    Please can u get in touch! I feel the same.

  • Jeanna T

    June 15th, 2016 at 10:49 AM

    Wow, you spoke right to my heart. Thank you. I am trying very hard to make my marriage work. I am going to counseling . I married very young, due to religious and cultural pressure, to man I was never physically or sexually attracted to. I have fantasized about being single since the first month I was married and I’ve been married for 12 years. He’s a very good man it has been a very good father to our three children. I’m going to try to change my perspective and find ways in which I can love him because my children deserve that.

  • Jason

    August 23rd, 2016 at 7:51 AM

    I am reading the posts here and it is amazing to me why 90% of you will just spill your guts to perfect strangers and not at least begin a dialogue with your husband. Some of you talk about wasting your life and you just “want to be happy”. but most of you wouldn’t know how to do that single or married. So why not work within the bounds of the commitment you made with your husband? If you have kids even more so. We live in a disposable world both men and women are just throwing away relationships everyday because they aren’t happy. Well people need to look around, it is extremely hard to be happy right now the world is a scary place. We should be leaning on our spouses and working at building a better life with what we have instead of blaming our marriage for our in happiness. Marriage is hard so it is easy to say it is the problem. I see so many people spending more and more time on phones, fantazising about being single and free like it has all benifits and no down side. It is great to have fantasies but they are just that, use them in your marriage to build a stronger bond with your spouse. Not saying divorce isn’t sometimes the best or only option, I just see way too many people throwing away marriages with kids to seek something that they haven’t even tried to fix in themselves their own unhappiness and apathy towards their marriage. You have to be able to make yourself happy with what you have first! People seriously need to get their heads out the clouds thinking we can all just have it all, life is a balance. I read all these posts, my spouse is amazing,he is funny, attractive, good father ect ect but I don’t know if I’m happy! WTF if your not sure maybe ya you should leave cause he deserves to be with someone who appreciates all that stuff! Be happy with what you have first, he obviously wants you so talk to him!

  • jos

    May 9th, 2020 at 2:00 AM

    Your children deserve seeing you in a relationship that is whole both physically and mentally. I feel the same exact way you described and this is what I tell myself. I settled for him because he was good and I thought we could love each other but I was not physically attracted to him and now all these years later it has snowballed to the worst feeling of regret. A half relationship is not enough. Good is not enough. We can’t show our children we are not enough because then they will feel not enough.

  • kudrat

    September 23rd, 2014 at 8:52 AM

    Hello everyone iam 3months mariage now,i neva agree to marry him since i was not in love with him. Its the external pressure frm my frend but most reason i think was my previous fiance brokeup with me 2weeks before mariage. Am now regreting y i rushed things am also confused how will my family react. Please help me since i am not in love with him and i tried to love i find its impossible,should i devorce him?

  • Launa

    September 23rd, 2014 at 6:35 PM

    Everybody’s situation is different but MOST of the time, a marriage can be rekindled. This is going to sound corny but there comes a time when you need to fight for your happiness. At the very least get some counseling. If that’s not an option, there is a brilliant guide at: SaveMyMarriageToday.pw

    Just remember that you’re not alone, the way you’re feeling is probably much more common than what you think.

  • Mesabel

    September 25th, 2014 at 5:04 PM

    Hi I’m 29 yrs old. I have been married for almost 6 yrs and I asked my husband for a divorce 2 days ago. I have been thinking about this for several months and came to the conclusion that I’m unhappy and have been for at least half of the time we have been married. Last year we went to counseling a few times but when we stopped going we were back at square one. Now that I have told him that I want a divorce I am having mixed feelings and I don’t know how to distinguish between them. I don’t know if I feel like I love him and I fear losing him or if I am grateful for the time we have had together and will miss him as the father of my children and the man with whom I spent important moments with. I’m so confused. I care about him but we have not had a marriage for awhile. We don’t have sex, we don’t say I love you, good morning/night, hi, how are you… Kiss or hug… And it has been years since we lost that. I’m so sad. I think I just want to vent and share this with people who might feel the same way….

  • marriedandalone

    September 28th, 2014 at 1:49 AM

    I’m in the same situation. You are not alone. Thank you for sharing. I’m not sure what to do but I don’t want to live my life so miserable. I’m going to ask for a divorce because I didn’t get married to feel alone.

  • The Other Side

    August 21st, 2016 at 2:50 AM

    All of these comments seem to be coming from women so I thought I’d offer the other perspective. My wife has told me that she wants to leave me after 7 years of marriage and 12 together, with two children, 4 and 6. I was completely surprised, although I knew she was unhappy and had been for some time. I tried to broach the subject with her in the last couple of years – that I didn’t feel she loves me and that I didn’t feel she had any real desire for me (although we went through the motions of sex once a week and she seemed physically satisfied, albeit everything around the actual act seemed empty to me – I commented on that as well and got spurned vis-a-vis any real conversation). She says she doesn’t love me anymore and doesn’t want to stay with me. We went through a really rough period with a lot of stress for both sides and I crossed her verbal red lines and acted angry and frustrated – largely because I was angry and frustrated at what I saw as her lack of cooperation, lack of empathy for my situation and lack of effort to address the things that were important to me. I now see what mistake this all was and that I didn’t need to change her and especially not in the way I was trying to do, but it’s too late. The rough period passed but her love had died and she went through the motions for two years, all the while with low-level conflict around as I struggled with her without understanding where she was, before getting to this point. She went to therapy and got strong and now she is totally in control of the situation, while I am still madly in love with her, eager to show her that I can change and become the person and partner she wants next to her and the children and desperate to gain the time to do so. But she wants to continue with the process.
    So I say to all of you – look carefully at the person next to you. I hear here about a mix of husbands who sound like real trash (the wife abusers) and others who sound like saints but where the spark has gone. For the former crowd, get out, of course, but for those in the middle – no physical abuse but lots of fights, or where the spark has just gone, first really try to talk to him and perhaps get help. Not once – he will probably reject it the first time – and not just from your perspective but telling him what you want to gain out of working together on fixing things. We’re very practical.
    So what about my situation – a guy who made mistakes, mostly crossing verbal red lines (no cheating or physical violence)/ Definitely not one-sided (in the interest of any chance to win her back, I am taking most of the blame but I feel she emotionally abused me even more severely, but doesn’t see it). I am willing to go to therapy to soften my rough edges, willing to totally dedicate myself to her and the kids, willing to go through a period where we don’t sleep together while she rebuilds trust and love. We have two beautiful kids who need us at a tender age and we won’t be in new relationship very easily for objective reasons that I won’t get into here (I read that this can help with the trauma for young children). I know I can be a good husband and have all the motivation and ability to make it happen.
    But she says she doesn’t want to. She says she doesn’t love me and never will and will never want to sleep with me again. She says she can’t trust me and she doesn’t want to live with me or have me in her life, even, if the kids weren’t around. It’s so painful for me to hear because I love her so very much still and am so terribly sorry to have hurt her and just want to put things in the past and focus on a better future, while understanding well the mistakes that were made and the lessons learned. I beg her to let the past be the past and focus on the steps I’m taking for a better future. I beg her to see that my love is real and that I’m a great father and that if she were able to get past the bitterness she would be able to rediscover her love. But she doesn’t believe in that or want to hear from me. We live together and I push this almost daily – but I’m not sure if it’s not just going to make her move out faster to end the annoyance.
    I know one path is “let her go” and I am doing that as well – we are going to continue with reaching an amicable settlement while I continue, probably, to try to convince her to give me more time. But I am desperate to find an alternative and a path that might still rebuild our relationship. Unfortunately, she is not a partner to that right now. But I believe that emotions – and love – ebb and flow. So my questions to you women out there:
    1) Can love for your husband be rebuilt? She doesn’t trust that I won’t be overcritical and angry and I tell her that is in the past because I realize now what’s important to me and the cost of such behavior. Sort of a huge slap in the face. And I will get therapy if that helps. But she says she will not love me again. I find that certainty almost ridiculous and it makes me fight harder, I think.
    2) In the past couple of days, we have begun talking about living together platonically, cooperating fully with the kids while I try to rebuild trust. She is still against it but at least there is a conversation now. Now she has mentioned perhaps having a lover in this period (for all I know has one now). I don’t know how much of it is her testing me, how much is her desire to be with other men for physical reasons (which might make sense if we’re platonic) and how much is her desire to find another relationship, in which case i am setting myself up for even more pain when she tells me she’s moving out and moving in with X and the kids. But I am so desperate to keep her that I am considering taking the risk. I know it sounds absurd to some, but I feel that losing her and the kids (they are so young that they will stay with her) is catastrophic for me and I am in the fight for my life.
    So: ideas? Suggestions? Help? Magic aphrodisiac powder? Anyone?

  • Eve

    September 29th, 2014 at 12:59 AM

    Hi, I’ve been married 21 years this week and I really understand. My husband ins’t a bad guy and I know he’ll be hurt if I were to tell him that it is over. He’ll be surprised of course, like most men he doesn’t pay any attention to anything that isn’t explicitly stated- from the wash basket is full to more important issues. I’ve recently stopped doing his washing and other household task as I’m just fed up. We both work full time and I travel a lot with work too. It is only me that shops for food, washed and cleans and we’ve been over this ground many times. But really, at 49 I’m thinking there must be more to life and to love. I always believed compromise was important when searching for a husband, but now I’m not so sure. I have no passion for him and really apart from the 1st few month together I never did. I love him, but I’m not sure I like him? I now feel as if I ‘m going to miss out the chance to ever find a soul mate. This is compounded when you start to wonder about your career, and could you do something there to give you something to be passionate about.
    Well, I’m searching for options with me career, I guess I’ll have another 20 years to work, so may as well try. Does that mean I should sacrifice the chance to find a man that sets me alight?
    I guess I’ve been ranting- but it feels better to get it out and in words to those that might understand.

  • Brad

    October 13th, 2016 at 3:45 PM

    You saying “never loved him sept the first few months” shows how wrong you are in your statements. That is a honeymoon faze of a relationship and feelings always change. You will never keep that feeling and I promise you will never find happiness unless you are happy with yourself which you clearly are not by stating stuff about your career. To many people blame the relationship and find reasons to leave. 100% all of you who are finding faults with your partner guess what? I bet they have just as many faults with you and if they tried to tell you you would get angry huh? Wouldn’t accept it? Say no and that’s a lie. Yet your partner still loves you in most cases because they choose to look past it and love you for who you are. All your faults too. I’ve seen 1000s of people looking for a good lasting relationship like you have for over 20 years. They see that and think it’s what they want. In reality they get that relationship and the same thing happens. You can love anyone forever if you choose too. It’s even proven couples who work through problems together and decided against divorce ended up so much happier and wondered why they wanted to divorce in the first place. You just have to want it but all of you leaving because of no good reason like cheating or abuse are wrong in every way. You will be happy again being free…. Then get lonely and be sad… Then get happy again in a relationship… Then back to were you were with different problems. It takes a lot of maturity to understand love and happiness are going to come within yourself. Not your partner and a relationship can ways be saved with compromise.

  • anna

    October 9th, 2014 at 6:32 PM

    I’m crying myself to sleep again and decided to google for help. I just had another conversation with my husband. We’ve been married for 7 years, together for 10. I’m 35, he’s 37. We haven’t got kids although we both would love to have a family.
    Our conversations are much calmer now. We’ve always been honest to each other. We’re great friends. He loves me. I love him too but just not the same way. Sex has been out of our agenda for over a year. We’ve always had a different libido clock, mine being much higher. I feel so sad about our relationship that I don’t even think about sex anymore. I never fancied other people. He is a great guy, kind, intelligent, loyal, funny, has a happy go lucky attitude, thinks of the future… I stopped trying to find things that were wrong with him to justify my discontentment. I feel I’m in a different phase now. He’s great, he will be great for someone but not for me anymore. This thought makes me cry so much. I feel I’m stealing his time, taking the place of someone who could love him back the way he deserves. But still I find really hard to gather my stuff and leave. I’ve shared all this with him. I want children, to have lots of sex, to be in love, to feel happy! I’ve tried so hard to fix us and stick around and make it work… I don’t know if he is right and I’m being naive and crazy.

  • Jay

    October 16th, 2014 at 3:18 PM

    Hello dear Anna,
    I am in exact position …..I am 37 and my husband 40 …we are married for 4 years NO kids . Each day I feel furder away from him …we didn’t had sex for a year…I just don’t want to anymore …he just can’t turn me on anymore …actually he never really did ….I feel sad now for a months …I cheated on him just a while ago and be honest don’t feel regret not even guilt ….I have. Very high sex drive and he has very low one ..so that’s where the problems started already 3 years ago ….!!!Now I am thinking why Did I not leave before??????
    Anyway my point is ..that my love towards him just gone …I always said that man is the person who needs to make feel woman special and beautiful ….and sexy …I don’t feel this for years …he doesn’t touch me the ” sexy” way he doesn’t kiss my body at all …he always says I don’t like that!!!!!I work very hard …go to gym 3 times a week …have a perfect body ….looking after my self …..my lover was 9 years younger and that was the point where I realized ..that” I just need another guy” my husband is the only man who really truly loved me …and still does ……he is the only one who never cheated on me …..and now I just ask my self …” Why I just don’t love him?” Just so u know Anna ..u not alone -!!!!!

  • Christie K.

    August 4th, 2015 at 12:11 AM

    I am in the same situation.Married 7 years- no kids , got to know him through a friend of mine cause I wanted to escape from my dad who was very strict.We don’t have any intimacy for many years now and if we do, it’s once in 6 7 Months. I am trying my best to dress sexy and turn him on..but nothing seems to work.he just looks at me saying that it’s looks nice but that’s pretty much it.Everyone in his family wants us to try getting g pregnant via IV.They all think I’m not conceiving a child because I’m mentally unstable and too stressed while he is the one with the problem,,low sperm count,,.I feel like I’m trapped.i got no one to express my frustration.every time I’m visiting my father in Greece cause he has lung cancer, I feel like not going back to my husband.i get this feeling of freedom, that I can breathe again, then I think about him being lonely without me and that I don’t want to hurt him…what should I do..now that I am unemployed he told me I won’t be swing my dad for at least 2 years,to get a job and get pregnant.. I don’t know what to do and to be honest I even have suicidal thoughts sometimes…I guess I have some form of depression as well..

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    August 4th, 2015 at 1:45 PM

    Hi Christie,
    Thank you for your comments. The experiences you describe of feeling trapped and not having freedom are serious ones that deserve attention. Working one-on-one with a therapist may help you identify ways to heal and find strength! If you haven’t already, you can search the GoodTherapy.org therapist directory for a therapist near you, here:https://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html

    We also want to make sure you have access to resources that can help if you ever feel suicidal or in crisis. On this page, you will find some toll-free support lines you can call at any time:https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Wishing you the best, Christie! ♥
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Christie K.

    August 8th, 2015 at 5:37 AM

    I am visiting my father in greece….I was supposed to stay for 5 weeks..extended it to 7…now I still want to stay a bit longer….1 1 1/2 weeks..but don’t know how to say it to my husband..I am scared.that he might divorce me…I know a lot of you might say that I’m selfish…the problem is that I’m all alone in the USA no relatives no friends…now that I’m here with my father,sisters etc…I feel so happy…plus, according to my husband, I won’t be able to visit for at least 2 years…we gonna try to conceive via IV…PLEASE ADVICE. ..I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO…

  • Lost MyWay

    October 10th, 2014 at 6:19 PM

    I don’t know if I feel better or worse to know so many people are in the same situation. I’ve been married for 5 years, in the relationship for 11. He is my best friend, he makes me laugh, he is kind and generous to the world. I still find him attractive and the sex (when it happens) is really good.
    However, we’ve been growing up at different rates. We are in our early 30s, he six years older than me, and we just seem to be diverging. He wants to go out and party with 23 year olds, he finds potty humor entertaining, he twists my nipples when he sees me… I find it frustrating and immature and I’ve told him to stop about somethings (nipple in particular), but I also realize it is his own life and he should have a chance to behave the way he wants to. Is it fair for me to tell him what’s funny or not? To go out or not to?
    I really want to have kids and I’m just worried that he isn’t the right person for me. Sometimes I think having kids might actually solve the issue, because he is actually amazing with kids and it might force him to ‘grow up’ in the ways I want him too.
    But then I am truly afraid of having kids with him and then us not getting along…

    To add to the picture, he cheated on me early in our relationship, and then got caught arranging a date with another woman after we were married, so I have trust issues. It’s been years and it’s one of those things where I believe in him but I still can’t shake the past.
    I really don’t know what to do. On one hand, I am in a pretty content marriage and ready for the next phase in my life (I want kids now), and on the other, I really doubt he can stay faithful to me in the long-term and I don’t know if we should ‘give up’ on ‘us’ before we bring kids in the picture. Clearly I need relationship counseling, but it’s very expensive and I honestly don’t think either of us have the energy to put into it right now. I’d love anyone’s advice…

  • tara

    October 15th, 2014 at 6:05 PM

    Sounds exactly like my situation been together 10 married for 4 years in our late 20s he is very immature and we did end up having a daughter which I thought would make it better it didn’t I wish I would of realized it sooner

  • Vanessa

    October 16th, 2014 at 10:00 AM

    Whatever you do, don’t have kids if your relationship isn’t wonderful. Kids never improve a relationship, on the contrary.

  • Onthefence

    January 28th, 2015 at 7:31 PM

    Please. Think before having children. Makes things SOOOOO much harder. Having children to ‘fix’ things. Never a good idea. I’m debating on divorce and the kids are what’s killing me. If not for the kids I’d be string enough to leave. I know it
    Please. For the sake of ur unborn kids. Don’t do it

    Of course…that’s just my opinion:)

  • Disappointed

    October 11th, 2014 at 11:46 PM

    Wow. So many unhappy wives here. Count me as one.

    We’ve been married nearly thirty years. Our children are grown and have left home. I haven’t loved my husband for years. He loves me very much, and despite my gray hairs and sagging bod still thinks I’m a sexy lady. He is a first class father to our children and a hard worker.

    The trouble is that we have nothing in common any more. When we married, it was (on my part) a matter of a ticking biological clock and no other prospects in sight. As I said, he is an excellent father to our children so I made the right choice there. But we have never agreed on anything else: politics, religion, food, music, books, television, nothing. We have no interests in common, except for those of his that I have forced myself to get involved in in order to have something to talk to him about. He’s not a talker, he sits on the couch and watching hours and hours and hours and hours of sports that bore me to tears. As the years have gone by, he has become more and more controlling, taking over our finances and taking us to the brink of financial ruin more than once. He refuses to cede control or share responsibilities here.

    I’ve tried talking to him. He nods and nothing changes. I’ve talked to counselors, who say he has to want to change. He doesn’t want to. Why should he? He has the woman and the life he wants. We are comfortably well off though we owe a lot of money thanks to his mismanagement. He has made love to me in exactly the same way for nearly thirty years, despite my every effort to persuade him to explore other ways to please me. He does not please me in that area, and really never had.

    I’m afraid to divorce him for one primary reason: I don’t want to grow old alone. And at my time of life, when I am no longer attractive to anyone but him, when I am unlikely to attract another partner, I guess I’ve decided it’s worth it to put up with boredom, routine and disappointment rather than face the next few decades alone.

    He may not be a spectacular lover or a witty companion, but he will be there on the couch, watching sports.


  • moe

    October 17th, 2014 at 10:27 AM

    I’m a husband,why is it the men fault. You say he is a good man,hard worker good father. Done that! But now you are not in love with him anymore. What did you wifes do to make yourself happy so you could make you husband and marriage happier????? No,you are to focus on trying to put your husband in a box…I work 12hour a day come home cook,clean,do the washing too.. Also have 4 kids at home.. I was spread thin.. But wife of 21 years .not in love with me anymore.. All you ladies that don’t think that saying doesn’t hurt. Ask a husband that is hurting.. She already filed.. Fake dreams will be waiting for you.. Make it work..

  • happy

    October 31st, 2014 at 9:50 AM

    You’re right! Girls should appreciate all the efforts of there husband . I’m also a gilr but I don’t live with my husband but I love him soooooo much!

  • Disappointed

    November 14th, 2014 at 5:07 PM

    Hi, Moe. No, I don’t think my husband is “at fault”. I don’t think either of us is at fault. It’s just that we really don’t have anything in common. As I said, I’ve learned to watch sports on TV with him cause that’s what he wants to do. I’ve made his favorite meals, arranged romantic dinners, and he retreats to the couch and eats his food in front of the game. We have nothing to talk about but the kids; we don’t hold the same views on politics or religion or anything. No point in arguing all the time. So I don’t know what the answer is. I don’t want to hurt him, he’s a good man. I think he loves me. So I’m kind of settling, I guess, for a marriage in which he has everything he wants and I have very little.

  • Laura

    October 14th, 2014 at 11:17 AM

    I am a product of two parents who stayed together but no love shared. My dad has another family on the side and it has been a struggle to accept that reality.

    My advice has a child survivor, if you are unhappy leave. Do it not only for yourself but your children.

    I grew up thinking this lifestyle was the right one. My parents love each other like friends but not in love with each other.

    Had my parents separated i would have learned that it is okay to leave when you are unhappy. That it takes more strength to do that versus for the kids.

    Perhaps if my parents would have divorced, I would have more self confidence in my relationships.

    Ultimately, you just know and you are kidding yourself otherwise. The what if we do therapy, or we do this or we do that. It will not change, go with your gut life is too short to be unhappy daily.

  • mary

    October 14th, 2014 at 2:23 PM

    thanks laura for the advice. i have been wishy washy for 3 years now. filed for divorce a year and half ago and gave my husband another chance. now here i am again filing for divorce again. my gut tells me i am so unhappy. my children realize there is no love- why am i still married? my husband threatens me and says i have no plan and i will be broke and will never see my family again.

  • Unhappy

    October 15th, 2014 at 3:48 AM

    If anyone can help. We’ve been married for nearby seven years. We haven’t made love in nearly two years. I am less and less attracted to him. We don’t have any children. He is not interested in children. I work long hours to pay the bills in a house that we both fell in love with 6 years ago. However I find myself a prisoner to its financial demands. My parents had a lot of things they liked to do in common but with my husband there’s not much. I have to say he’s a terrific cook and takes great care of the house in terms of professionally painting the wall, getting the landscape done…but very negative about everything and most people around him and it’s starting to wear me down. He also makes childish and annoying sounds that aren’t cute coming from him. He doesn’t believe in reconciliation and holds deep seated grudges against many things. He doesn’t have much self estimate and thinks everything is measured by how much he makes and his possessions. These all things I never saw coming as he was a much more pleasant person the two years that I knew him before our marriage. I don’t think he has any real friends. All my friends and some family members tell me they can’t believe the long hours I have to work but he doesn’t seem to care. If I mention it he gets upset. He tells me how his mother used to curse at him and how he resents kids who are happy because he wasn’t a happy kid. Sometimes I wonder if he expects me to be the surrogate mother he never had. We don’t have any activity that we like to do together. Since we’ve been married I haven’t been able to enjoy reading a novel or do much of anything I like because I have to give him my full attention when he’s around even when all he’s doing is watching TV or the same movie for. Most days I dread going home. I got offered a lower paying job with great benefits and that I am excited about. He’s not happy for me…
    In the past, which includes the past 3 years, I’ve reasoned that if I left him he’ll be too broken since he insists I’m his best friend in the world yet I feel like I’m being held hostage in this marriage, that his taking advantage of the fact that I’m nice. They say marriage is for life but does it have to feel like a prison.

  • Sha

    October 17th, 2014 at 3:25 PM

    I feel I have been stuck in a rut since I got married over 3 years ago. My husband has changed so much from the day we came home from honeymoon. I moved to his part of the country, to a small village from a city and it took me a few months to settle after leaving my family and also sold the house I had. From this day I have never had any support, he doesn’t help when I need his opinion. I live in his house and he sets the rules. He is always one step ahead of me financially and transfers money from our joint account to his savings account with no discussion. I work full time on a low wage and he also works full time but makes a good bit more than me. I never get to buy anything for myself and if I get to meet a friend for lunch (a very rare occasion) I get worried about spending money. If I tell him something that has happened in my life he likes to through it back in my face when we have an argument. For example, my parents seperation. Now I have to be careful what I say to him and what I tell him. I don’t feel like a wife and I don’t get treated like one. The only time he contacts me is when he needs a favour. We have been to councilling twice since we got married but now I just want to leave. Nothing has changed and I have realised it never will. I have told him that our marrige is over but he is acting like I have never said it. I don’t love him anymore and I miss the feeling I used to get when he walked into the room, I miss the excitement of seeing him after a days work. I miss the feeling of been in love. I’m 38 we have no kids and I’m finding it hard to come to terms with the fact I probably won’t get the chance but I don’t want to bring a child up in a household with no love. I really need to leave but I have no where to go and no savings

  • Unhappy

    October 18th, 2014 at 5:38 AM

    I’m in the same boat. I’ll be 38 soon and the last 2 years after 7 years of marriage, my husband told me he doesn’t want children. In retrospect I don’t want any children from him because I know he won’t be a loving father…Growing up I was led to believe that people who got a divorce must have done something bad, like it was a crime. Although I don’t have the courage to file for divorce, I wish I knew then what I know now…people do change and after that honey it can be down hill quickly…I chose to ignore subtle signs, like he was nice but there was a detectable level of control…

  • Jessica

    October 29th, 2014 at 10:00 AM

    Your story sounds like me but I have a son I don’t know what happen to person I married

  • jlyon80913

    October 19th, 2014 at 8:17 PM

    I dont know if i should get a divorce ive been mentally and physically abused from my husband. I was going to a friends for a bit then we went to far but it felt so right i feel safe with him i havent loved my husband for Awhile now. But hes still my friend i dont want to lose that so confused

  • simran

    October 20th, 2014 at 4:32 AM

    Im 35 years old I got married last 7 years sometimes back I left the job because of my husbands doubt on me but I don’t have any material affir im explained everything but he didn’t listen to me plz suggest me what should I do I want to join my office but can’t.plz help me

  • what 2 do

    October 23rd, 2014 at 9:16 AM

    hi ive been married 2 1/2 years all was good til our son came along 2 year ago im basically a single parent my husband works full time but doesnt provide for our son hell buy shopping gas/electric but thats it i pay mortgage,council tax etc with part time job then he goes mad if i treat myself i dont love him anymore but when we argue he starts to cry making me feel guilty 4 wanting 2 leave help im too soft n fall 4 this but nothing changes x

  • Gina

    October 25th, 2014 at 1:21 PM

    Hi, I am also stuck in a marriage that I desperately want to get out of. I have been married for 12 years to my husband and have four kids together. Sex with my husband is terribly boring and he has NEVER satisfied me sexually. We are really good friends and he is a great father but I am not in love with him. I thought maybe I can help him with the sexual thing by showing him what I like but it just doesn’t help because he is a terrible sexual partner. I don’t want to leave him or cheat but I am running out of patience, I want to be happy.

  • Clairabell

    October 29th, 2014 at 10:22 AM

    I am SO glad I found this thread and I hope I can remember enough to check back. I’m kind of in the same situation. I’ll try to be brief. I have been married for six years to a great guy. He treats me like a queen and does everything for me BUT… I found out about a year into the marriage that he had withheld the fact that he had $23k of credit card debt and after we faced another drastic financial event, he stole about $7k from his job to pay for it (a HORRIBLY irrational decision made in duress). Subsequently, he was convicted of felony burglary and theft. I still love and adore him as a person but the lying and unease of being married to the rest of my life to a convicted felon scares me. Right now, everything is okay. We get along great, he works two jobs. Though he makes less than half of what he used to make, we still get by just fine. My fear is the future. We discussed separation and divorce when he was arrested, but ended up going to counseling and have stayed together. Here’s where the plot thickens. I had a very innocent schoolgirl crush from afar on a guy that works for the same organization as me. I admired him from afar for four years. We recently began a friendship which accidentally turned into a little more than that and it made me realize that men do still find me desirable. I have no idea if there would be any future with me and this guy, or even if that matters in what decision I ultimately make. I have been warned not to leave my husband for this other guy. If he weren’t in the picture, I don’t know if I would be considering divorce again. I just don’t know. Basically, my husband is wonderful EXCEPT for the whole felony thing. Would you ladies stay with a criminal if you were mostly happy otherwise or would that in itself be a reason to split?

  • Brynn

    November 1st, 2014 at 8:29 AM

    My husband and I have only been married for a few months. We started dating and got engaged within 7 months. I still had feelings for my ex when we started dating but they moved to the wayside. I got so caught up in the wedding planning and festivities that I never stood back and took in my feelings. I always had a bad feeling about this relationship as it progressed so fast. After being married, I think I made a terrible mistake. My husband and I constantly fight, and we rarely have sex, as I am hardly attracted to him. We also planned to have kids as soon as possible. But I need to figure out my feelings first.

    Recently, my ex came back into my life and confessed his feelings for me, and I did the same for him. And we have been talking for almost a week straight.

    I am so horribly torn! I feel like I will disappoint everyone if I get divorced now, and go back to by ex. I don’t want to stay suffocated in my marriage my whole life, while hiding my true feelings. It’s started to take a toll on me physically, as I am so stressed.

    I too, feel so guilty and sad if I leave my husband, as we have a house together and a dog.

  • Jasmine

    November 5th, 2014 at 2:59 PM

    My suggestion is get help as soon as possible, you may need marriage counselling perhaps on your own first as the feelings you have for your ex will not go away, as it seems you had unresolved issues before you met your husband. Do not tell your husband about your feelings for your ex, it will complicate things more.
    Work on your relationship and don’t have kids until things are much better, it will only make things worse.
    Finally attend marriage counselling together and if that don’t work you need to part ways sooner rather than later.
    I wish someone guided me long ago…. My post for advice is on 6th November and I am as torn as you.
    Hope this helps…

  • Aly

    November 6th, 2014 at 6:20 PM

    I’m in a very similar position. Is there a way we can talk privately? I would like to share my story with you.. I don’t know who else to talk to.

  • jaime

    November 24th, 2014 at 9:27 AM

    Wow your situation couldn’t be closer to mine! I have been with my husband 5 years, married 3. I almost called off the wedding a week before. I even told him but we of course “worked it out” and went through with it. Also thought we’d try or have kids right away but its been 2 years and nothing. So I keep wondering if it’s not happening for a reason, not medical, but that maybe we’re not meant to have kids together. We generally get along well. But I don’t ever really wanna have sex with him. He does love me lots and shows me affection but I don’t show him any. And I don’t know why. I just have no desire to. I used to. When we first were together, I was crazy about him. But so many things happened early on in our relationship , that I have a tough time not dwelling on the past and how I wish I reacted different back then. And then maybe we would have broken up or whatnot had I put my foot down and stood up for myself. 2 years ago I cheated on him with an ex. The guy I was actually sort of seeing when I met my husband. It of course was amazing and we even talked about getting together, me leaving my husband. Which messed me up. I should never have done that but I couldn’t help myself. And now we just keep having the same fight over and over. And I just don’t know when enough is enough. If I don’t wanna touch him really now, what’s it gonna be like 5 year from now?! My biggest fear in life is to look back with regrets. I don’t wanna look back and think “I should have left years ago when I wanted to” or leave him and regret it. But how do I know the right decision?! I’m so lost. And feel like my life is wasting away sometimes. Like I sit and think “is this as good as it gets? ” which is horrible. Please help. Would love someone to talk to that feels the same

  • Em

    November 21st, 2019 at 2:46 PM

    Hey what did you end up doing? In a similar situation.

  • Andy

    November 1st, 2014 at 3:29 PM

    I been with gf 14 years we have 2 kids. I never felt in love so I never marry her. I stay for kids. I Tired of being unhappy. 2 years ago I met the most beautiful amazing woman I ever seen. She is sweet kind and so little but she has a big heart always puts others first. I hunt with her husband and see him treat her bad and cuss her out all the time for nothing. he would leave her alone with the kids and she would always come sit and talk to me. My gf never went. I never felt important to her. She don’t truly love me. so last year the new gf start texting me and we talk everyday and started sleeping together in February. We are so in love and now all I can think about is being with her. Shes my soul mate. She is separated so how do I tell the old gf to move out? I cheated a million times but this is the first time I feel this way about anybody and I don’t want her to find someone else. I think I deserve to be happy and I would never cheat on the new gf bc she is so special. she got suspicious when she saw we text a million times and she harass the new gf so I told her we never slept together but it’s not true cause we do a lot and I even took her out of town with me. I knew then that I need her in my life. But my gf will never leave me.

  • Will find a new partner

    November 1st, 2014 at 6:41 PM

    I feel so much for the sad stories on here and really empathise. I married my wife 27 years ago. We have been struggling with our marriage for 23 years. We always pulled in different directions. The only time sex has been good in that time is when she thought I was going to leave her. I was brought up that divorce is a failure and have battled to make things good including for our 2 lovely boys. (Dates, nice surprises, counselling). Always I fell back into despair. Now at 55 I have decided to divorce her and to live with the emotional and massive financial consequences. It will take time to sell the house and split us up but at last I have a plan. Suddenly there is hope in my life again. I shouldn’t have waited so long….

  • Tina

    November 1st, 2014 at 9:02 PM

    Hi, I am in the same situation. I got married 7 years ago, I loved my husband but after living together for couple of years I understood that I m not in love any more. He is really good guy, hardworking and honest. He never cheated at me but the reasons I don’t love him anymore are: he doesn’t want to listen to me and whenever I started talking about my day, he showed he is not interested or told you are talkative. So I don’t talk to him anymore. When he buys everything for the house like groceries, he told me I paid for you but I am not eating all of them, I don’t have any kids cause I always upset about my situation. I paid all my saving for our house and now he pays bills but he forget. Nothing is interesting in my life cause I feel bad when he told me I paied for this or that. I talked to him to divorce but he disagrees and told me he loves me but I don’t.I don’t know what to do I stuck in this situation.

  • Vicky

    November 2nd, 2014 at 6:58 AM

    Hi I want to first day thank you for all of the comments.
    I’ve been with my husband for 7 years,married for 1,before the wedding I nearly called it off as I didn’t think I loved him anymore,sex is almost non existent and we don’t have the same interests.i put it down to the stress of the wedding and went ahead,we also have a son(5),I have spoke to him and suggested we make more time for each other like date nights but nothing has changed. We don’t argue but I’m also finding that everything he does irritates me. As we did only get married last yr I want to try and make it work but don’t know what to do,I just want to be happy again x

  • Deena Garza

    November 2nd, 2014 at 8:57 AM

    Dear Andy, I feel your Pain and Even about the fact that you are unhappy. The Truth is You deserve to be happy. Your Gf is just that, a Gf. Not a Wife. I know that your Gf may get Upset But, It’s Not normal for her to Treat you with Lack of a Close, Loving, Relationship. Or even, CLOSE to what You Want. I Hate the fact that the new Gf has been treated like She’s Not Worth Nothing, But You Have brought “New Life to her Doldrum Life”! So, Her So called husband needs to Let her go. The New Gf Needs to file Divorce irreconciable differences. Otherwise, She will get One Heck of a fight from that ol’ man who thinks she’s Useless. When You two belong together. How old are the Children involved? Does the New Gf Love them too/ Or Just You? These are the deciding factors. Children Don’t ask to be born, WE decide that. IF she Loves them. Leave the old GF whether She likes it or Not. I’m sorry if that sounds callus but, there is NO REASON to stay in a Loveless Relationship. Much Love, Happiness and Stand Your ground Andy. I say cease seeing each Other too Much..Old Man may Hunt a two legged deer. If He is Dangerous take New Gf and get out of town & the Kids..Period. Sincerely, Deena

  • butterfly

    November 2nd, 2014 at 6:07 PM


  • ursula

    November 3rd, 2014 at 12:48 AM

    i understand how you feel cause i have also felt like that and up until now i am still in the same position but i know the Lord will help and everything will be okay.

  • kayla

    November 3rd, 2014 at 8:16 AM

    I’m in the same boat. Don’t get me wrong I love my husband, but I’m not in love with him anymore.when he asks if I’m in the mood or whatever I always turn him down. I’m just not feeling it.

  • Erica

    November 8th, 2014 at 10:34 PM

    Same here I hate having sex with my husband it’s almost torture

  • Will find a new partner

    November 3rd, 2014 at 2:56 PM

    It took me a good few decades to realise that I was at least as responsible for my unsatisfactory marriage as my wife. I knew deep down that we had settled for each other. So how could I expect to be happy? I read a book by Felix Economakis called “Harden Up” which helped me get things in focus and make a decision which in my case is to move on. My mission in life now is to find a lovely lady to be happy with and I will not rest until I either do or run out of time. It’s difficult living with my wife with the declared intention of splitting up but actually even so I’m much happier than before. I think it’s making the decision and making a plan which has been key. Do let me know if this rings any bells for you. It would be lovely to share ideas.

  • Mary

    November 21st, 2014 at 10:23 AM

    Nice to know that you are moving on and have a good attitude about it. :) How long married? How old are you?

  • Jasmine

    November 4th, 2014 at 11:28 PM

    Oh. Wow, in regards to the original post… You could be writing this on my behalf.
    Married for 20 years and I am only 38.
    Three gorgeous and respectful children. I have all the same issues as the OP, and I just don’t know if I am wasting my time in this marriage. My husband is simply like a co-habitant and he has very little interest in the children, always gets angry and throws tantrums like a small child. ( no physical violence).
    It’s like he has no interest in me or our sex life. He suffers from ED (erectile dysfunction) and unless I initiate something he won’t. And even then it is very ordinary and the passion is gone, that once was.
    I have tried on many occasions to initiate intimacy, it’s not just about the sex… I crave the emotional connection that should be there when your with someone for so long.
    He would rather watch TV, be on the computer or play console games than spend quality time with me.
    I don’t hate him, but I don’t know if I love him anymore and worried if we break up the impact on the kids, even though I think they would cope better if we were apart because there are too many negative vibes in the household and that surely can’t be good for their emotional well being.
    I have many times though about finding someone who can satisfy my sexual and emotional needs on the side, ( my husband is so disconnected he would not even notice) but at the same time I am not someone who will have sex with a complete stranger. I am completely lost and don’t know who to turn to as I have no close friends.
    I am an attractive 38 year old who looks after herself and my husband who is 43 does not care for his appearance or his increasing weight.
    My heart is torn and I don’t know how much more I can take. Divorce is a hard subject because in our culture people look at you differently once your divorced and I know it will tear apart both my parents and my inlaws who are all remarkable people :'(
    Please help someone.

  • Giselle

    November 7th, 2014 at 1:04 PM

    Totally the same as you. Understand completely. Not sure what to do either. Very frustrated.

  • Anne

    November 8th, 2014 at 8:33 AM

    I feel the same. Married for 10 years but am not attracted at all. No intimacy for months . I want to leave but it’s the kids I fear for , breaking everyone up because of my selfish needs

  • Mary

    November 21st, 2014 at 10:20 AM

    Wow!! unbelievable .. I am 41. My husband 52. Married 19 years. Three kids. Wonderful children. I relate to your situation 100%! I married at 22. Christian. I thought once married we would “connect” better. Nope.. second week of marriage I already wanted out. He never was romantic. Called me by my first name.Until I told him to call me something else. I do not have one memory of any of our anniversaries. My kids always saw me crying on those days and they would make me cards etc. I do everything for him. Everything!! Text ..emails.. talk.. omg!!
    Sex… I ask for it. He is always “tired” or prefers to watch t.v. He says he shows his live by killing himself at work. Dont know when was the last time we kissed.

    Well.. because we are “Christians” I struggle with the issue of divorce. But my soul is ill!! My kids even tell me. Mom you never smile when dads around. Leave dad. My seven yr old son says.. mommy i ask God for a new dad. one that will play with me and not always say he is tired. My dream. Divorce. Restore my soul. God send me my true soul mate. Compatibilty….. friendship..laughter..
    Well I wish you the best. Much Joy.
    And lets see what happens…

  • cecilia

    December 6th, 2014 at 8:34 AM

    I went through similar paths as yours and I understand what you meant. Life with a spouse whom you feel emotionally distant. Right now I just get involved in activities to channel the negative thoughts away.

  • cecilia

    December 6th, 2014 at 8:49 AM

    What I am doing now is joining a ladies group in church and build up my relationship with Jesus . I serve and keep my life meaningful by serving the less fortunate. Jesus can fill up the emotional void, you can trust Him. Affairs are just newer so-called ‘ greener pastures’ until the feelings of limerance are gone. It’s useless. Don’t feed on those thoughts .. it’s not from God. I went through much, I know. Bless u..stay hopeful.:)

  • Q

    June 20th, 2016 at 5:12 PM

    Maybe he just needs a job with less hours, that is more inspiring – Pray for that it’s possible

  • Matt

    November 21st, 2014 at 11:00 AM

    I’ve been married 12 years, and have two beautiful boys. I’m semi-retired, so I spend a ton of time with my boys, which I love. I’ve made some career decisions based on the influence of my wife’s selfishness, and over the years it’s continued to bother me, I thought it would fade by now, but it has not. I’m not attracted to her the same way I was, and I miss intimacy. I love my boys and I want to be with them while they grow up… I’m in my mid 40’s and I’m ruggedly handsome and in good shape, I try not to look at other women, but sometimes it’s really difficult…

  • Eva

    November 21st, 2019 at 10:25 PM

    My God, Josephine.Uou described my life to a T.It has been a long time since you posted.What have you done?
    I am more towards separation then anything else.I am so tired of living with such a man.I miss the love, the sex, the friendship, the care, a hug, a kiss, all that should exist in every normal relationship.Inhave tried it all : therapy (both couple and individual for myself), writing him a letter, talking to him, being more loving myself, ignoring his antics, praying, you name it.Nothing changes.So I am now totally disconnected.He just gets on my nerves and I won’t even go through all here out of respect for him being the father of my kids.I just pray I get the courage to move on as it has been going on for to long.I am 41 and we are almost 16 years t together. It feels like a sentence not a relationship.

  • Laurel

    November 6th, 2014 at 5:50 PM

    Sha-You are in a financially abuse relationship. Abuse isn’t just physical; it is also about power and control. By taking your money and providing you with no resources to leave, he is controlling you and it is absolutely intentional. You need to find a way to save, turn to friends or family for help and get out. Please Google financial abuse. You will recognize yourself in others’ stories.

  • Victoria

    November 6th, 2014 at 8:27 PM

    Ive been living with my boyfriend for 2 years. He is 34 and im 25. I moved with him after 6 months dating because my dad was struggling with drugs and I needed to get away from home for a while. He was the one that begged me to move there. He is a great person, a good guy with a really good heart but once we moved in together, I noticed that we were so different. As boyfriend – girlfriend you dont notice many things.

    He doesn’t cheat and is not violent, but he is a mommy´s baby. He talks and writes her all day everyday and she pays for everything to him, since he decided to study a second career and always.

    He doesn’t have time to work, and he asks me to pay half of everything when i just opened up a company with a partner and i invested everything I have. He doesn’t pay a thing, his mom pays it to him and he still wants me to pay, and he makes me feel bad because he knows i cant now.

    He says he hates people, that he prefers to be alone, and still complains that i abandon him or neglect him. I dont enjoy having sex anymore, maybe i do it every once in a while. He is not aggressive and in so many years he havent noticed or heard me of what i want or need.

    He doesnt like to go out, doesnt take me on dates or surprises me, he has 0 manners, eats like a pig, and I teach him and ask him to change but he doesnt care, he always wants to be right and fights like a child about anything.

    I think he has many PROS but enough CONS for me to feel unsatisfied and most of all incomplete. Everybody is jealous of my relationship. He is so hansome, he is so healthy, he is so sporty, he works out 5 hours per day, he is so nice and authentic, he studies hard, he doesn’t cheat and i dont see that, all i see is someone who is very confortable, who only has time for him, that is lazy and has no ambitions.

    I wouldn’t want to raise a family with someone like this. i think maybe i dont admire him, he drowns in a cup of water and doesn’t take advice or suggestion, he has to be always right.

    I know im very complicated also, I say everything i think or feel, so he thinks im mean, I think im tough love because im not submissive or sweet. I dont even know if it could be me the problem.

    I dont know what to think anymore. We talked today about going our separate ways. But he always tries to keep me when i make up my mind. I think im lazy to move back. We have a house, 3 dogs.

    Im so stressed out. Help me

  • Emotionless

    November 8th, 2014 at 4:29 AM

    I have been married for twelve year, two kids. Love them to bits – we both do… I do not know what it was (not just one thing) But i feel like i do not want to be in this marriage. I realize that it is very selfish of me, and I understand that. I do not love my husband anymore, i cant stand him touching me. I do not want to try and work it out, but now that it is too late – he wants to work on our marriage. What should i do? be unhappy for the rest of my life with him? Or do I get a divorce, be the best mother I can, be myself again and face the consequences. Please give me feedback

  • Anne

    November 9th, 2014 at 2:29 AM

    As you can see from an earlier post you are not alone. I am in exactly the same position . I said I’ll give it 6 months to try n save the marriage because he wants it but to be honest I have no fight or desire left in me. Please let me know how you get on xx

  • chris

    November 29th, 2014 at 12:06 AM

    Finally a site where I can tell what’s in my heart. I am 30 years old and married for 6 years. I married my husband because I wanted to get out of a family situation..the last 1 1/2 year we barely have sex…6 months without any intimacy…I left Greece to follow him to usa.i had a job and felt great. Now I’m jobless and feel useless.my father got sick and I’m trying to visit him as often as I can. My husband did help me to visit him again this time…I want to visit my dad again in july…but I am scared he won’t even though he says he will…I have no money….and feel unsave.i am leaving Monday back to the USA and just don’t want to go back…everyone tells me to go back to my husband, give it a try for couple months to see if things are gonna change…if not,then just leave.ok but what if I want to leave and can’t because I have no money? I’ll be stuck there.my family in Greece is poor and can’t help me with that.

  • Annie

    November 8th, 2014 at 8:33 AM

    I am torned too if I want a divorce or not. I’ve been married for 1.5 yrs and I’m unhappy. I’vee been the provider since we lived together, 4 years ago. He was jobless for 3 years,he’s working part-time which barely covers half our rent. I dont enjoy having sex with him and I feel like we’re roomates. He’s a good guy, but I feel like I’m the only responsible person here. I was so happy before but now, I get so impatient and really annoyed with him. He buys expensive things even if he does not have the money, he charges it to me. I did not ever hear from him that he’s thankful. I dont know what to do anymore. I’m so tired of taking care of everything, i barely have time to take care of myself. I really need someone to talk to.

  • Erica

    November 8th, 2014 at 10:23 PM

    I feel the same exact way! I don’t know what to do, my husband works makes good money but he has cheated on me in the past a lot of times, now all of a sudden he acts like he is ready to be a husband but I’m not in love with him anymore! He has a bad attitude then he can be loving only when he wants sex from you smh, I’m so over this it such a. Long story

  • Michelle

    November 10th, 2014 at 6:36 AM

    I’m only 21 and I’ve been married for almost 4 years now. I love him but my passion and deep feelings for him have faded away. We only dated for a little over a year before we decided we wanted to get married and move in together. Right now I’m the only one working and its been tough trying to keep both of us on our feet. I don’t know what to do. Some advice please.

  • Karen

    November 11th, 2014 at 6:57 AM

    I have been married for almost a year and a half. I have lost attraction for my husband and feel like I married the wrong man. We had a long distance relationship and the excitement has worn off and he is showing a lazier side that is opposite me and i get so frustrated. He likes to relax and watch TV. I want to go places more and get up early. I’m so bored in the relationship. I need him financially. I’m getting depressed.

  • Rebecca

    November 17th, 2014 at 11:00 PM

    Hey I’m going through the exact same thing send me a message please I could use someone to talk to.

  • Annabel

    November 11th, 2014 at 10:56 AM

    I have been married for six years, together for almost eight. We have a six year old daughter. I am not in love with my husband. We very seldom ever had sexual relations, maybe a dozen times in the last seven years. He is handsome but I do not feel love. I feel friendship only. He is wonderful, kind, supportive and so I feel just so guilty and unhappy, unfulfilled in this marriage. He always goes the extra mile for me, but he is noticing that I don’t. I don’t because I can’t, because it is not love. It is affection and friendship but no more. I have reconnected with an ex and have fallen in love with him. My ex doesn’t feel the same way and so I just have to get over him (I didn’t cheat, just talked online and my feelings grew). But I don’t want to cheat on my husband, I don’t want to develop feelings for anyone else. I want to love who I am with, but if I can’t, then it is not fair on either him or me. Confused and unhappy. Can you help?

  • G

    November 12th, 2014 at 1:30 AM

    Ive Been married for 4 years and weve been together for 6 years. we are both 21 years old we got married when we wer both 16 years old, yes we wer both really really younge. ive always suffered with him in the way that he would cheat on me, not physically but he would txt other girls, weve never been stabled as in having our owen place. but we wer actually renting a house for 6 months and berly on November 1 we turned in the key and moved in with my husbands parents. we wer both happy we would hardly argue he would kiss me hug me hold me it was all good. but as of nov 1 when we moved in with his parents he doesn’t hold me touch me weve had sex just 3 times since the 1st, and its usually an everyday thing for us, we argue everyday I cry everyday he doesn’t seem to care rite now im on the floor sleeping with my son (since the room is very small my husband and I sleep on a sofa bed and my son on a toddler bed matress since his bed didn’t fit” and my husband is sleeping in the bed we don’t have carpet its a hard floor and hes okay with me not sleeping with him. idk what else to do im not happy any more I sometimes feel like theres someone else in this world who can treat me better, but then I think about my son, he loves his dad, but I know my husband doesn’t care about him, 7 months ago my husband left our chiled in the car with they keys on there and the car on to go inside of burger king and ask the cashier for her number. and I know this bcuz my sister is manager at that burger king and the girl told him,. he just doesn’t seem to care abou us, and I have no where to go or have no money since im not working, and I cant talk to him ive tried but he says everything is my fault so I just don’t try anymore, I just pray to see if God can make it all better, but I just have to wate. im suffering right now and it hurs.

  • no love

    November 12th, 2014 at 9:49 AM

    My husband and I do get along a all we’ve been married for 10 years separated for 3 years tried again but is not working we have a small baby boy how loves us to bit and I can’t let him grow up with out a dad but there is no love or respect between us what should I do can’t talk to him then he fights and blames it all on me

  • moonlightlady339

    November 15th, 2014 at 10:38 PM

    Firstoff, I know everyone in this forum will probably laugh at me when I tell you how long I have been married, because you will say, “oh, go fly a kite, you’ve obviously overcome everything to have achieved those numbers”. I have been married to my husband for 44 years, and yes, I am very thankful for the years we have achieved, for our two children, grandchildren, and our life together. But I wanted to share some things with you. In my case, when loneliness ventured into my marriage, and yes, my husband had a mild stroke and it changed him, he became more withdrawn, although he still is able to work and enjoys going to the driving range, and home projects. He’s a good man, who loves the Lord and our family. It was the “withdrawn” thing, that was getting to me. Okay, women. If you find yourself married to a good man, but for whatever reason: stress, financial worries, low self esteem, whatever he may be going through that is causing him to want to escape through television, or spend time on the computer watching sports, or maybe he just plays video games…realize that those things are HIS problem, and ultimately HE will have to come to terms with his own depression. You can pray for him, it “will help”. In the meantime, why not find things that you truly enjoy and get involved with them. I can tell you this. An outside affair is not the answer. You may think that attention from someone else is the answer, but that grass isn’t greener, it is just different grass with a boatload of other problems attached to it. If you will try hard to respect your spouse and be patient and understanding, eventhough you have days and “nights” when your heart is breaking, I can guarantee you, that these clouds will lift. One day your husband “will” “see you as the person he fell in love with” oncemore, just give it some time, and in the meantime, get involved in fun activities that cause “you” to be more fulfilled. When he sees also, that you don’t seem to “care” that he seems to be ignoring you…guess what…when a man sees that his partner is doing just fine, even within the marriage, but not focused on him…this makes him a little bit uneasy. If he cares at all about you, he will do what he can to draw closer to you oncemore, as mine certainly has, thank you, God. Don’t give up. There was something once that was wonderful that brought the two of you together, and with God’s Help, the two of you can find it again. It’s not just about intimacies, so people grow up. However, if one side or the other is feeling neglected in that area, yes, you should talk this over and get to the root of what that problem might be. The bottom line though is, it is “not” the other person’s responsiblity to achieve happiness for “you”. Happiness is a state of mind. True happiness and fulfillment for most people comes from “giving” and getting our minds off of ourselves and becoming involved in things and situations where we feel we are making a difference, whether in the life of a person, or just taking the time to pray for those who have it much harder than we know, that we currently do. Couples who are unhappy aren’t bad people, they are just temporarily in a bad place, that’s all. I can tell you it “will change”…trust me, just give it some time. I will pray for you all. God Bless you, it will be all right.

  • Nimo

    November 21st, 2014 at 1:17 PM

    You words are really helping me to deal with my marriage. Thank you

  • shannon

    November 21st, 2014 at 9:47 PM

    U opened my eyes…..thank u

  • Sylvia

    November 25th, 2014 at 7:01 AM

    Thank you for sharing!!!! God sent your comment to me.. I’ve been married for 21 years, together for 28 years. The Lord blessed us with our second son in March of this year. It has been difficult to stay connected but your message definitely helped put things into perspective for me. THANK YOU and God bless!!!

  • sojorner99

    November 29th, 2014 at 9:36 PM

    You know what? I needed to read this. My husband is driving me deeper into myself, my work, my children, and away from him. He is emotionally unavailable and really never was available. I was starting to hate the fact that we married . However, we have 3 small children and I am trying to keep it together for them.
    The things that I thought were in a marriage, is not here. No cuddling. He wants to lay on me like I am a pillow. No watching movies together or pillow talk. It is kinda like having a split between major playpen (he was in the military)and a careless teenager. His addiction are military esqe video games.
    But based on what you said. Maybe he can learn something from me. I am respected in the community for what I do. And although he has actually said to me that what I do won’t matter in the world, I take his insults and just cast them away like throwing out trash. It just doesn’t matter what he says.
    Only God can prove in time if we will remain together. It won’t happen unless he changes.

  • Bella

    November 17th, 2014 at 6:10 PM

    I am so lost. I’ve been married for 16 years (together a total of 20) & I am no longer attracted to my husband, & have not been for years. He cheated on me three times (that I know of) in the early years of are marriage & I chose to stay for the sake of our children & because at the time I still loved him & was attracted to him in some ways. I’ve always been the more aggressive one when it comes to intimacy & sex, even when we were dating & so young. Point is, sex has always been an issue for us…we never seem to be on the same page. We’ve gone to therapy a few times (after he cheated) & things improved some. But for the past three years I’ve realized I’m no longer attracted to him. I can’t stand having sex with him & when he touches me its extremely uncomfortable. We’ve never been good at intimacy (we haven’t kissed, not even during sex, in over 15 years), so now being sexual with him feels like I’m sleeping with my brother or sometimes a stranger (not in a good way). Everything else in our relationship is great…we are great parents & communicate very well. We also support eachother 100%, he is my best friend. I have forgiven him for cheating & that no longer bothers me, nor do I feel he’d ever do it again. As a matter of fact he now acts like he wants me (sexually) all the time & tells me how attracted he is to me. The problem is I no longer care…it’s like he waited to long & it’s too late. I have no more interest in being with him romantically or sexually. But I crave intimacy. I know that I will never be happy if I don’t have that in my life again. I’m tired of being with someone where it takes so much work to simply kiss, hold hands, or have sex. This is something that comes so naturally to me that I can’t believe I’m now in this situation. I am still staying because of my kids and because I don’t want to hurt my husband, but I’m so unhappy & unsatisfied. I know he really wants things to work & feels responsible because of the past, but I can’t help feeling this way. I’ve tried everything but nothing seems to give me that spark back. People have told me we should start kissing every day until it gets more comfortable, but I can’t kiss someone I have no attraction to! I don’t know what the right thing to do is anymore. My kids are teenagers & they have never seen my husband & I show affection…I feel like I’m teaching them that settling for someone is the right thing to do & honestly I don’t believe it is.

  • camilla

    November 19th, 2014 at 4:57 AM

    Hi Sondra, I feel the same towards my husband. He shows signs of affection and always tries to kiss me during sex, but I don’t reply in fact I hardly want to have sex with him. And the reason is obvious. I went through so much of verbal abuse still can’t believe I could stand it. He always does it when drunk. I also had a neurological disease cause he showed no mercy during my second pregnancy.
    The reason I’m still with him is my kids. I can’t give them a stable future as I’m financially dependent on my husband.
    My desire is to get financial independence and marry a good man.

  • celly

    November 22nd, 2014 at 7:19 AM

    I’m in your same boat.

  • Sally O.

    November 18th, 2014 at 12:04 AM

    I’ve been married for 8 years
    We have a 7 year old daughter together
    . My husband is a great provider and father
    I am not attracted to him at all and its because of his addiction to Internet porn..
    It has ruined our sex life completely
    I don’t know what to do , he tells him he either needs to have sexual relations with me or he will leave the room and go and watch porn
    It makes me sick.
    At first I would try to keep up with his daily sex drive , but with work and being a mommy
    Sex with him had become a chore
    Make dinner , check
    Clean up , check
    Give our daughter bath , check
    Put her to bed , check
    Have sex , I don’t feel it’s mesocarp every day

    Lost for words

  • two7ace8

    December 19th, 2014 at 10:09 PM

    I am in the same position as you. Just turned 27, have a daughter who is 7, and been together 10 years and he is addicted to porn. Problem is he never has sex with me, he would rather watch porn alone with himself than with me. Im not unattractive or over weight…i weigh 100lbs. I look at him now and i think how can i deserve this? I feel so unloved and unwanted…makes me regret marriage.
    I hope things get better for you, and remember you are not alone.

  • celly

    November 22nd, 2014 at 7:16 AM

    I’m so confused. I feel like i don’t love my husband anymore. I have so many bad memories when our relationship first started. I was in college when i first met him. Got pregnant and dropped out of college and that’s when all begun. I loved him so much that i was blind of his doing. He would trouble to his country and left us (me and my son alone) every year. I remember spending two Xmas together. Again, i was so blind. 5 years later into our relationship, we got married and our second child was born, stupid me, thought everything will be different, nothing everchanged. He continued to travel to his country. One day, i found out he was cheating on me with another woman in his country. I felt miserable. I tried to leave him, but couldn’t. Went back to school and the problems begun. He didn’t want me to go to school. Somehow, i managed to get my AA. Time has passed and i finally realized that my feelings for him now are not there, but yet, i’m still with him, our kids are grown, one soon off to college and the other to Middle School. We we separated for 8 months, and i felt incomplete without him, and now that we are back, i can’t stand being next to him. I forgave him the cheating and don’t care if he goes and cheat again. When we are intimate, i pretend enjoying being with him, but my heart aches, and we are finish having sex, i cannot wait for him to move away from me. I know whatcto do, but I’m sacred.

  • Mel

    December 5th, 2014 at 5:54 PM

    I feel the same way about my husband, he has cheated on me, he cheats all the time and i dont care. I dont want he ti touching, i work as much as i can juat t. stay away from him. Im making plans to leave for Georgia next year. I pray that you find a way out, dont stay if you are that unhappy it will only get worse.

  • Kay

    November 23rd, 2014 at 11:39 AM

    I do not love my husband. When I think back to 8 years ago when we started dating, I don’t know why I even agreed to continue dating him. He provided me financial stability right away so that’s orobabky the real reason. I found my engagement ring before he proposed and hated it. But I said yes. And have been married 3.5 years. I work full time now because he forces me to. He also insists we split everything now. If he buys the movie tickets, I MUST buy the popcorn. Now just holding his hand makes me repulsed. I love our house and wouldn’t have anywhere to go if I left. I want children badly but not with him. Feeling so lost.

  • chel

    November 23rd, 2014 at 8:25 PM

    I need options

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    November 24th, 2014 at 10:57 AM

    Hi, Chel. If you would like to consult with a mental health professional, please feel free to return to our homepage, https://www.goodtherapy.org/, and enter your zip code into the search field to find therapists in your area. If you’re looking for a counselor that practices a specific type of therapy, or who deals with specific concerns, you can make an advanced search by clicking here: https://www.goodtherapy.org/advanced-search.html

    Once you enter your information, you’ll be directed to a list of therapists and counselors who meet your criteria. From this list you can click to view our members’ full profiles and contact the therapists themselves for more information. You are also welcome to call us for assistance finding a therapist. We are in the office Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Pacific Time; our phone number is 888-563-2112 ext. 1.

    Warm Regards,

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • chel

    November 23rd, 2014 at 8:30 PM

    I am 26 years old I have been engaged for one year I’ve been with my fiance for 10 years he’s cheating on me earlier on in our relationship and sometimes I’m still not over it honestly I can make with the kid at times I have the biggest heart in the world but when I’m upset or mad I say bad things I guess we have a six year old and a one year old and our one year old we tried to conceive for about 3 years my problem is he is so busy he is a teacher at day for middle school in a college basketball coach at night he loves sports I do not he watches a lot of basketball football and it’s really hard for me to also watch with them. I feel like I’m doing everything I go to work 40 hours for full time college student and I have are two sons he is a wonderful dad but he’s no help 365 days in a year she can’t even cook one time we get into fights all the time because he doesn’t want to cook he hardly does dishes he thinks just because he fold some laundry and pick up the living room that’s all he needs to do I’m honestly not sure if I could still be with him I’m confused I guess you could say I feel like I’m looking for her kids but then again I think I love him because I don’t want him to be with nobody else but I feel like I want to be with Someone that wants to meet me 50 percent of the way this might Sound confusing to you cuz I’m not sure how to express what I mean.
    sometimes I think I’m Faking a relationship. I honestly think of me every time also I’m faking orgasms I’m serious I don’t know its like I was want to have sex I think but in the process that I feel like I’m being fake towards him I really just don’t know

  • kaylah

    November 24th, 2014 at 7:27 AM

    I was always verbally abused in my relationship I was never cherished by my husband… he never bought me anything not even on holidays or many birthdays. If I wanted something I had to buy it on my own even for my kids. He always said I made him hate the holidays it took me 11 years to realize just this past weekend on his birthday he never loved me or cared about me all my friends and there husband’s had sparkles in there eyes of love and passion smiling at one another sitting next to one another while he sat away from my kids and I. He embarrassed me on his birthday by buying everyone a drink but me. My friends said she’s doesn’t get one he said no she can order her self. When he order for everyone I knew it’s time to let go there’s only so much one can take and I’m done. We’ve never romantic with one another he blames me for having his kids it time for my babies and I to go. I need a loving man in my life and I’ve been torched by this one for years. ….

  • Asiya

    November 25th, 2014 at 6:54 AM

    I have been married for 15 years, I have four children. The first 13 years my husband was very verbally abusive and for about a year physically, now for a couple of years he has been somewhat calm but I am not in love anymore and.have.not been for.two years. A year ago I met someone online and fell deeply in love. He knows my situation and is patiently waiting for me to figure it out. For the first time in my life I.feel loved unconditionally and I feel safe. The problem is finances, how to be self sufficient with four kids and how crazy will this man go when I ask for a divorce…..it could be bad. He knows that I fell in love with someone and he is sad about it but surely does not believe that I will ever leave. If I show a lack of interest in my husband things go south fast. Sometimes I give in to sex just to keep the peace. After all the abuse I am sorry to say I dont feel guilty about falling in love. He is no longer abusive but he really waited too long to change and I feel sick about the memories of being spit on and treated like garbage. Granted i should have divorced before finding love but life sometimes throws you something in a very not perfect time and I can not give up this love I have found…I tried to go without talking to him twice for a couple of months each time but just found myself so lost without him. If I just had a pile of money I could make decisions based on happiness…till then I pray for a solution.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    November 25th, 2014 at 9:15 AM

    Thank you for your comment, Asiya. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about domestic violence at https://www.goodtherapy.org/therapy-for-domestic-violence.html and additional information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Morgan

    December 3rd, 2014 at 8:58 AM

    Hi Asiya. I feel like you and I are in the same boat. I have been married for 10 years. While there hasnt been as much abuse like you speak of, there has been a lot of fighting and neglect and just lack of caring or respect for me and our marriage. I too have found someone else and am in love with this person, yet I am troubled because I do not have the financial stability needed to make it alone with our 2 children. I left college to get married and never went back. I have basically been a stay-at-home Mom ever since and I feel completely dependant on him for financial stability. He also has made it clear that if we split up, I am to “figure it out” as far as bills and finances. I am enrolled to begin school in January 2015 and cannot fathom full-time college, taking care of my kids and working enough to pay yhe bills. If I quit school to get a minimum wage job, I will be stuck in it forever and never be happy. At the same time, I am not happy in this marriage. I am so lost. I just want to move forward and be happy and I am finding it very, very hard. What are you going to do? Have you found any good advice?

  • Mark

    November 30th, 2014 at 8:48 AM

    I’m in very similar situation. May be worse.
    I’m 43 and my wife is 42. We’ve been married for 23 years. We have 3 beautifull dauthers: 21, 6 and 4 years old. I thought we had a great marriage. I adored my wife: attention, presents, love. She was my queen. 3 months ago she told me she is not in love with me. She said she probably never was in love with me. She does not have any feeling for me, she easily gets into affairs and she likes “other guys”. Our marriage was a nightmare and we should get divorce long time ago. She said that I’m a very good father and husband, but she is extremely unhappy, beacouse she does not love me.
    She filed for divorce, but said she will stay in the house till she ll find place to live.
    She has a boyfriend about 8-10 years younger. Sometimes don’t come home at night. All relatives and friends are shocked.
    That’s were I’m right now.

  • Emylou

    December 1st, 2014 at 7:46 PM

    after my husband smashed the plate in front of me with the lunch I made for him in it today I’ve finally realised I need to get out of this marriage! I’ve been married nearly 9 years and I’m 28years old. We don’t have kids yet thank god because if they were to grow up seeing the physical and mental abuse I get it would not be fair on them. I am not attracted to him anymore as he has piled on the weight, yet when I was a size 10 I was fat apparently, I have lost weight and I’m a size 8 now but yet he won’t keep in shape for me and wonders why I don’t want to have sex with him! I am disgusted by him! He works 12 hour night shifts but uses that as an excuse to do nothing around the house! I do all the house work but sometimes I even have to mow the lawn! (Keep in mind I work as well) but he will drop anything if it’s for his motorbike or something he wants to do! I don’t ask for much just get the odd jobs around the house done that I can’t physically do! I’m sick of the excuses, he came from an abusive family and always promised he wouldn’t be like that! We tried counseling but it didn’t work the councilor he chose seemed to side with him even tho she knew he was physically and mentally abusive! I think I need to divorce!

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    December 2nd, 2014 at 11:31 AM

    Thank you for your comment, Emylou. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about domestic violence at https://www.goodtherapy.org/therapy-for-domestic-violence.html and additional information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Yevonne

    December 1st, 2014 at 10:16 PM

    I am 37 and have been married for 13 years. I have two kids, 13 and 10. I was 22 when I met him, I had never been married, had bought my own home and was taking care of myself. I had low self esteem, was over weight and didnt think anyone would want to be with me. When I met him I sold my house and quit my job and moved in with him. He was divorced because his wife cheated on him and he had three kids and had been through a bankruptcy. I didnt see any of that. When I moved in he had been a single dad and the house was a wreck and he had cut off notices. I helped clean it up, house and bills. I was in love. His kid, his mom, his exwife treated me like crap. He didnt say anything because he didnt want to upset them. He never listened to me, I listened about his day or whatever he wanted to talk about. He never told me I was pretty, I always told him how good he looked. When I got pregnant, I stayed home because it was cheaper then paying for daycare. If I went to a friends or my moms he accused me of cheating on him or he would be mad his dinner wasnt ready. But I stayed. I sacrificed so much. Many many years I tried to tell him what I needed which was someone to talk to or just for him to tell me I was pretty. But nothing. I felt like no one else would love me because I wasnt pretty or I talked too much. So I stayed. Now after many years my feelings and emotions have shut down. He has dragged me through a bankruptcy, ruined my credit and has had my kids accustomed to a certain living and he said that I wont be able to take care of them. I just dont care. Now he sees my foot out the door and he wants to try and save it. I am not attracted to him. I am embarassed to be seen with him. I am embarrased for him to be around my friends. Everything he says or does makes me want to vomit. My kids are feeling my unhappiness and despite my efforts they are taking it out on him and he says it is my fault. He does work hard but he has never been that involved dad unless someone was looking. I told him this evening that it wouldnt be fair for him to keep trying because it wasnt going to change anything because I dont care anymore. I am a firm believer that what you go through in the past shapes and makes you who you are today. He thinks I am wrong and that I should sacrifice my happiness and let him try. I dont care. I dont want to be with him. Its either choose to make myself happy and make everyone around me mad or choose to make him happy and me continue to be unhappy. I guess I just want someone to tell me that I am not being selfish. That its ok. I love my kids and want them to have a happy mom again. I want them to love life. I dont want them to think that this is how a relationship should be. I am exhausted. :-(

  • Angela

    December 3rd, 2014 at 2:04 AM

    I’m finally at the end :-( I can’t do this much longer…. My marriage has been dead for at least the last 5 years.We have been married for 12 years and financially we have struggled since the beginning.We have achieved nothing during this time.I feel my husband has never grown up,he is painful to be around and when we are in the same room it’s silence.I do everything for my children, my husband does nothing with them,and doesn’t know how to play or interact.I feel stuck,I couldn’t move the children away from him and I can’t afford to file for divorce.I just have to keep living this nightmare because I have no one.

  • Meg

    August 17th, 2016 at 11:57 AM

    How’d things turn out… You described my situation to a tee! I feel like I’m suffocating…

  • Kim

    December 3rd, 2014 at 10:26 AM

    I’m one month pregnant and married for 4 years now, each time my husband knows I’m pregnant he gets angry, (my 3rd now, first and 2nd pregnancy were ectopic so it didn’t continue) and he just don’t like it everytime. Now he wanted me to drink medicine to stop my pregnancy. I hate him because of that. I love to have a baby and I’m happy when I know it’s positive. His reason why he don’t like it because he have already kids with his first wife, and I have also as a previous single mother, he said it’s not good for us because instead of enjoying the life together how could we later when I am busy with my new child. But I want something from
    Both of us. And it’s already here. I am wishing I can just leave him and raised this child alone. But it’s too complicated. Anybody suggests anything what’s best or do u think my husband don’t love me enough? Or just really better to leave him. I’m stressed.

  • Erika

    December 3rd, 2014 at 10:43 AM

    When I first read the letter from “to leave or not to leave” and posted my reply, I had no idea what a nerve she would strike in so many others. I’ve been reading the comments and postings in this thread, and hear the very real pain and fear and loss that they each contain.

    Many of you feel stuck – perhaps because of the kids, or financial concerns, or lack of supports. For each of you, I encourage you to start exploring what resources you do have at your disposal. Find sources of support in your community or with professional guidance. If you choose to stay, let it be a choice, not a default because you feel you can’t leave.

    For those of you in abusive situations – please find your way to safety. Get support to keep yourself and your children safe.

    For those who are dissatisfied, feel a loss of attraction, are attracted to others, only you know if you want to dedicate any more time to your current relationship and exploring if it can change. Some wisdom I can offer is that all relationships take work and most go through difficult phases. Look at how many people have voiced their struggles in this thread alone. The grass often looks greener, but after time, similar issues can arise.

    Be clear with yourself about what you are seeking. You may be in relationships that are not, and never will be, satisfying. You might have a partner who is not willing to work with you on changing things. If, however, you haven’t given each other the opportunity to see if it can be different, you may be shortchanging yourself and your relationship. I encourage you to explore counseling to discover for yourself how much you are willing to work and whether it really is time to walk away.

  • Don't know what to do

    December 3rd, 2014 at 12:25 PM

    I think I’m not in love with my husband. We have little in common and he always gets his way. We bought the house, car, couch, laptop ect that he wanted. I cook and clean with no help and give into all his wants. He does not like my family so I spend the majority of my time with them alone. I want to move to be closer to my family but I know we won’t because he doesn’t want to. He’s spent thousands of dollars on his band because I let him do whatever he wants. I don’t want to hurt him but I’m not happy. We have no kids.

  • Carly

    February 10th, 2015 at 11:09 AM

    These stories relate so much to
    My situation I have been married 20 years together 9 years before fantastic intelligent polite teenage children. My husband loves me and I have tried speaking to him he gets angry and doesn’t believe I’ll ever leave and I’m not sure if I ever will. I have thought about an affair because I want that side of things but not attracted to him in that way anymore. I’m so confused and I also worry I may regret throwing it all away and about eveyone I will hurt is it just easier to keep everyone else hapier at the expense of my mental state ! Confused . Com ???

  • Ann

    December 5th, 2014 at 12:51 AM

    I’ve only been married less than two years. We argue every day, most days the arguing turns into yelling and slamming doors.He is very rude, and embarrassing and says he’s just kidding when he’s pushed me too far. We aren’t in love or happy. We are true opposites..nothing g in common. He drinks too much and then starts fighting. He says he could never live without me..I make him happy and have taught him a lot. Well he brings me down and I’m tired of being his therapist. Hehas no family ties on his side due to meanness and bad tempers. I have made a horrible mistake marrying this guy. I’m from out of state and need to get out of this crazyness…Help??

  • Ann

    December 5th, 2014 at 1:15 AM

    I want to let everyone know there are no kids involved. I’m an older female and just don’t know how to start over. My husband doesn’t have a social life.he’s a very rude boring person that acts like an old man. This is not how I planned on growing old with someone. I’m not sure if I came down I’ll if he would be there for me..How do you get out of a mess like this? Please help

  • scarlett

    December 22nd, 2014 at 10:42 AM

    Oh my god my jaw dropped as I read your post. I could have typed out every single thing you did. I plan on leaving my husband. I can’t do this anymore.

  • chloe

    December 6th, 2014 at 6:03 AM

    Im 38 yrs have 2 kids 5 & 4.
    Ive been married for 6 yrs..mostly good..i have evrything i could hope for..beautiful house..2 beautiful kids and a very good husband and father. However about a year ago..i started feeling that i was not in love with hubby..that he was more a friend if anything…we argued minimally..rarely in front of the kids.. but have different interests…i now find him completely boring and just on a totslly different level…im quite spiritual so whrnever i want to talk about something deep..he would show little interest..im frustrated… i recently met another man and have fallen spiritually close and deeply in love with him…i cant get him out of my mind..i admitted everything 2 my husband & he is clutching onto everything 2 keep us together…and keep the family together…i even offered him the house but he is desperate and i felt so sorry 4 him..so i decided 2 give it another go…im now feeling depressed and angry with myself…and i know eventually the anger will turn toward him as he didnt let me go… he will be a shattered man if i leave him…how do i end the relationship nicely…? Any advice will help..tia

  • Lilo

    February 14th, 2015 at 9:04 PM

    Hi Chloe, certainly relating to many of these comments. I am wondering have you made any changes since your comment? I am nearly ready to leave my husband will not leave nor accept me wanting a separation, I think i will leave him with the property and rent somewhere for a little while with my 3 children, he is a good man but my love for him has gone and now although no man in particular – I am out enjoying other men’s attention without guilt/remorse. Keeping track if this conversation :) good luck everyone x

  • Sonja

    December 8th, 2014 at 8:16 AM

    My goldnes, so many of us in the same boat! What to do? Been married for 27 years, immigrated to another country 22 years ago. We have our own business, beautiful house but nothing in common. I love my husband and he would do anything for me. Yet, he can treat me like a skivviy when it comes to work related matters. That’s all we do anyway together, work. We have no social life, no friends to see and go to. I am lonely. We hardly talk and if we do, we bikker a lot because we are so different in our approaches. I want to go back to my homeland, to my family. But I know, if I would leave he would be lost. He is a good man. I just don’t have the guts to leave! This has been going on for at least 6 years and I feel that life passes by and I don’t live it.

  • Esme

    December 8th, 2014 at 11:09 PM

    I’m 27 years old, my boyfriend is seven years older than me. I’m not into him like I use to. I’ve been with him for three years, unfortunately he has completely changed. Within the first yr of dating I moved in, he works full time, while I attend college full time. At the beginning we would take trips, he would help me out around the house, we would constantly go out for dinner, etc. but now he’s extremely boring, lazy, predictable, … he’s stingy with his money, he would rather go eat for free at his parents than to help me cook a nice dinner (keep in mind he’s a dentist). I honestly feel that he has no intentions of marriage and I’m beginning to question wether all this is worth it.

  • Ashley

    December 10th, 2014 at 4:50 AM

    I met my husband on an online website been talking to him on and off for 2 years. In those 2 years he broke up with me once as he said he wasn’t feeling it with me. After he left me he messaged me and told me he wanted me back. I was hesitant as I thought to myself I didn’t want to go through a breakup again with him. But I ended up giving in and going back to him. It was a long distance relationship he lives in the us I live in Canada. We finally kept talking talking until we decided to take things seriously and get engaged. We got engaged within a few months and then 5 months later we were married. I come from a big family and have lots of friends. I left to live with him in the usa and he has no body there but his job. We went on our honeymoon for about a month to 3 diff places 1 was our actual honeymoon the next a work conf and the third a visit to his families for a week. When we got to the U.S. I imediately got home sick. I was feeling miserable and thinking to myself was it worth it to move away from my family to be with this guy. He’s in school and works full time. I felt in the first couple weeks I was getting no attention as he was busy with school and work. I didn’t feel cared for or appreciated. We frankly only slept together twice since we have been married. I packed my stuff and when he got home I told him I was leaving. I left because I missed my family, felt lonely, didn’t feel the love and attention, and I was completely miserable. I also left because I came across a journal that he has had written about a MasterBation addiction and things written about myself and my family that scared me. I have been home at my parents for 2 weeks now and I can’t come up with a decision on if I go or end things and move on. We have only been married a month and a half but I keep thinking on how miserable I was and if I want to go back to that. I seriously feel like I made a mistake I don’t think I can live far away from my family and I don’t think I love him as much as I thought. Pleasseeeee someone help with some advice!!!!!!

  • tabitha

    December 10th, 2014 at 1:24 PM

    I have been with my husband for 7 years he has mentally and physically abused me for 6 of the 7 years I have 3 children with him and a child from a previous marriage He is no longer abusive but I feel as if I don’t love him anymore he says he sorry and he WAS dumb for doing all that he did but I still think he may do it again I don’t wanna leave my kids without a father but I feel suffocated and very unhappy when I gave him my all he gave me nothing but hurt I feel like an employee in my own home Someone help what should I do

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    December 10th, 2014 at 1:42 PM

    Thank you for your comment, Tabitha. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about domestic violence at https://www.goodtherapy.org/therapy-for-domestic-violence.html and additional information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Sara

    December 10th, 2014 at 9:37 PM

    I’m 20 years old and I got married when I was 19. My husband is 25 and we have a 10 month old daughter. I dont know whats going on with me, i just feel like i don’t love my husband anymore. He is good looking he worksout a lot and i like his body, but since we had our daughter we bearly have sex not even when she sleeps. When we used to date he used to be so romantic but not anymore he wont even hug me or kiss me. I feel like im going to a midlife crisis because i want to finish my career and experiece the college life like a single college girl, but its impossible cause im a mom. I love my daughter and husband but i wish i had waited to have a family after college. I’m still going to college online but its not the same. Sometimes i feel like leaving everything behind and live my young life in college but it cant.

  • hanna

    December 17th, 2014 at 3:23 PM

    Am 25 i married my husband when i was 17 and starting a family at a young age is hard trust me but it takes alot of energy . But talk to him explain to him how you feel .communication is the key for a healthy relationship.

  • sheryl

    December 13th, 2014 at 5:48 PM

    Im 43 years old and married with my husband for 15 years we hve two kids.Im into abusive marriage but handling for the sake of our kids .Hes manipulative, he always told me that yoghurt is black and I should believe.He always embarrassed me and doesn’t want me to have friends and family. He blames me for all the problem in the house .He always insult my race and my personality. I don’t know if I still have to continue my marriage with him .I still love him inspite of all this.Please help dont know what to do.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    December 13th, 2014 at 6:02 PM

    Thank you for your comment, Sheryl. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about domestic violence at https://www.goodtherapy.org/therapy-for-domestic-violence.html and additional information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • TheTurtle

    December 17th, 2014 at 4:56 PM

    This is the reason why men no longer want to get married anymore. Women forcing them into marriage because they feel their “life clock” is running down and they need some sort of validation through marriage. Marriage is a no risk prospect for women. If they get divorced, they usually keep the house, kids, and money. If a man gets divorced, he usually loses everything he has worked his whole life for.

    You say you no longer love your husband and want to leave him? Fine, but it would be interesting to see how many women pull this crap of they knew they would not get the house, kids, or money.

  • outspoken

    January 2nd, 2015 at 7:41 AM

    You know I find it astonishing that all men want to use that against women…”I have worked my whole life for this and now you got the house and everything in it not to mention you just want the kids so I have to pay child support…”

    Let me tell you a few things. First off I am on my second marriage children with both. My first one would not keep a job and I worked three jobs to try to pay the bills and raise our daughter while pregnant with my second child. He never wanted to come home unless it was convienant for him. After the divorce I gave him the house and only took mine and the kid’s clothes. I started over from scratch a single mother almost 6 months pregnant and no there was no other man I was always faithful even though he didn’t deserve me. Yes I did take the kid’s because he couldn’t take care of himself or me more or less our kids. He didn’t pay child support for 5 years and left the state to prevent getting a job BC he knew the state would garnish his wages.

    Then after being a single mother of 2 for a long time with no help I finally found a man I thought was worth mine and my kids time bc he was good to the kids. He and I fell in love and now we have a child together too. No he hasn’t been the provider that he should be and he doesn’t ever feel the need to spoil me or take me out and wine me and fine me and often times I feel that so much is missing from our marriage. But I still get up and go to work everyday and come home and cook supper and clean house and he is at home every night not at the bar or out with his buddies. Are we still in love…no. But we don’t fight or say harsh words…we just don’t talk. Is he a bad guy…no. He doesn’t cheat nor do I. We definitely aren’t together for money because he makes minimum wage with less than 40 hours but at least he works. I’ve worked overtime for the whole 7 years we have been together and we just make ends meet. However despite the fact that there’s a lot missing in our relationship he is good to the kids so I deal with it. Now yes the thought has crossed my mind multiple times that I just want to be in love BC life is too short to be lonely but even if I ever did leave him I would start over with my babies and leave well enough alone.

    So my point is maybe guys should stop buying into the gold digging lazy women that are out there and then they wouldn’t want to blame all women for the lazy one that only knew how to lay on her back that broke your bank account and maybe some good men would find the real women that are faithful loving hardworking women that could careless what’s in your bank account if you would just treat her with respect and make her feel special once in a while I.E. birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, and maybe a few spontaneous date nights thru out the year. And last I checked, it doesn’t cost anything to take a late night walk and sit and talk under the stars but that is still too much to ask…right?

  • Andy

    December 18th, 2014 at 4:04 PM

    I was married for 2.5 year but together for a total of10 years. I was madly in love for the first while until we moved to the suburbs. I realized how different we were and how little we had in common. I found I was doing things on my own all the time. I learned to live without him. After reconnecting with an old friend from my childhood I began to have feelings for him. We fell for one another but I could not cheat so I left my husband. I had emotionally left long before this happened. When I decided to finally end my marriage my family was in shock. They are not talking to me. My husband and I are separated and ive decided to travel for a year to clear my head. I did leave. I feel terrible for hurting so many peopleand now that I wish to travel some of this will to be repaired.. I never realized that everyone would be hurt. My support system is very minimal and I am not sure what will happen but I do feel this would be my only opportunity to travel.. I’m scared but regardless of what I have lost at least I am no longer living a lie. And now he has a chance to find true love. I do wish there was a magic pill that I could take that would make me settle. It would be easier. If you’re thinking of leaving make sure you have a support system. Talk to your family before. That’s my Only true regret.

  • loveness

    December 21st, 2014 at 6:18 PM

    Ladies, the amount of us having similar experiences is startling. In fact it is so startling that I’m tempted to think that something more is going on. I would like to propose something:

    For those of us who are NOT in abusive (including emotionally abusive) relationships, I would like to suggest that we do not make any life changing decisions at least for the next six months. So that means that those of us women who are thinking of leaving because:

    a)we no longer feel our spouse is compatible with us – we do not share similar interests or we feel as though we have outgrown them spiritually or they are just boring etc.


    B) We have sexual intimacy problems: either we are not attracted to them or sex is virtually non existent in the marriage

    C) We have discovered someone else who we believe is THE ONE or we just prefer or enjoy spending time with this other person and we don’t care for having an affair so we want to be honest and call it quits on the marriage

    Ladies I’m in this boat with y’all. For me it’s all of the above! But I would like to challenge us to stay faithful for the next six months. Within this time let us pledge to do all that we can to bring back or (in some cases introduce) the spark in our love lives. Let us pledge to truly be creative and yet patient with our spouses. For those with the guy on the side – let him wait! If he is the one for you then he will be available to you six months down the road. If he is not around then you better believe that he was not the one for you. If you fear that he may find someone else, then your decision to break up your marriage will be based on a fear that is externally based and let’s face it – that’s not a strong foundation for a future relationship.

    We need to know that we are making the right decision or this will haunt us and any future relationships we have. If you were the kind of woman who did not give a damn then you would not be here on this forum.

    So, how many women are taking the pledge with me? Let’s check back in with each other every month or other month (not too soon) – let’s give ourselves time to have something to report!

  • Morgan

    December 22nd, 2014 at 10:14 AM

    Your comment/ideas/suggestions are so on it’s unreal. I have all of those things and more. And I have worried about the man on the side finding someone else and then being left with neither my husband nor the other man. You hit the spot! Thank you. My only concern is that there is much more to it than A, B, & C for me and I don’t even know where to start to try and fix it. He cheated 2 years ago and that’s really where I lost my trust. But the whole ride has been a serious rollercoaster. I think I decided to overlook(probably unconciously) many important factors in the beginning because I was so blinded by being “in love” and not wanting to be without this person. We fought a lot and I always worried about him looking and and being interested in and possibly cheating with other girls, but we got married anyways. Then less than a year later our daughter was born and it’s just been up and down and probably more bad than good ever since. There are now 2 kids involved in all of this and I feel so horrible about it all for their sake. I truly don’t know what to do or how to fix this, if it is “fixable”. There are things that worry, upset and anger me that he has told me straight up he is not willing to stop doing or change. That to me means those things are more important than our marriage and he does not truly love me unconditionally. I am not #1 in his life after God….that is if his faith to God is even existent anymore. Bible says God, then wife, then children, then all the rest. I have never felt like I was put in that order of love, importance or respect. Im very confused, hurt, scared and sad. It doesnt help that I’ve raised the kids and have no degree or career to fall back on if we split. I will be left poor and with nothing. Help me someone.

  • teehee

    January 3rd, 2015 at 5:29 PM

    I will try for 6 months with husband. I broke up with lover after 2 years since have to try with husband or no other relationships will work. I’m going through awful withdrawal though and crying all the time and resentful with husband. Good luck to everyone and hope you find love again

  • loveness

    January 5th, 2015 at 5:35 PM

    Well ladies…the six month pledge is still on but…I do spend a lot of time crying. Crying for a love that is no more, crying for what I would have liked to have. ..I spend a lot of time thinking about the next guy too. What we had was only on an emotional level but it was awesome to feel so connected to another human being.
    Do you know what it is to be thinking of someone and as you pick up your phone they message you the same time. Sometimes he would text just to say he was going to sleep. ..letting me know I was the last thought on his mind.
    I married Mr. Perfect – he takes credit for all the good stuff in our marriage and he always jokes that I did not have anything valuable or know about quality before he met me. I resent him a lot and the way he puts me down.

    So my challenge in the next six months is real – how do I convince myself that I am happy and in love with him when I don’t feel it? I know I need to operate at higher frequencies and vibrations such as joy and gratitude but these feelings don’t come easily where my husband is concerned.

    Will keep y’all posted.

  • Morgan

    January 7th, 2015 at 12:26 PM

    I havent gotten to whether or not I can commit to a 6 month challenge. Im still hanging onto the other man because my husband doesn’t want to change or work on things so why would I give us a chance and be the one to put in effort when it leaves me with the same result in the end? He has plain told me to my face there are things he isnt willing to change or give up, things that hurt me and cause us problems. That to me says those other things are more important than our marriage and he does not love me. Problem is financially I cannot survive alone. Ive been a stay at home mom for almost 9 yrs. Starting college, again, next week. Hope to make something of myself. :(

  • Onthefence

    January 25th, 2015 at 8:06 PM

    Wow loveness. It’s as if I wrote that. I realize a lot if women r going thru similar things but what u said really stuck a chord with me. Somuvh so that this is the first time I’ve written in ine if these sites.
    I’m struggling. So much has happened and my life has just been turned upside down. I know I should try. I know it. But I feel as tho I’ve been the glue that’s kept this family together for so long. I’ve accepted and allowed so so much. Believed I should feel ‘lucky’ that my husband ‘took me in’ I’ve never been good enough. Ever. Believed I wasn’t. Been told I wasn’t. However since he’s found out that ice been spending time with someone else(no sex) he’s suddenly ready to be the man he should’ve been for 20 yrs. helpful around the house, finally a true father. Into the kids.
    I’m so so angry all the time at him. Even when he does good things. I think if I try it might be good. But I can’t find it in me to. I look at him and I feel nothing. It’s awful. I’ve done everything to be good enough for him. Never been enough. and now he wants to be affectionate and loving. Kills me. It’s like I’m in a bad skit.
    I miss the other guy. Just miss him. Feel like he was my happiness. Used to tell him that. Now it’s Like the light has gone from me. Use to be so incredibly happy. Bubbly. Positive. Living. Affectionate. Now it’s gone.
    Feel so alone. I you as well?
    Anyway, I feel your pain. Wonder how you redoing now. Any easier?

  • loveness

    February 16th, 2015 at 12:03 PM

    Well as per my new post, I gave up the emotional connection with the other guy but that worked to my benefit. You see, we women love to love and receive love and when we don’t get this at home we look for a distraction…an outlet where we can pour out passionate feelings. But distractions don’the solve your home problem, in fact to some degree, distractions work against Us. Because the distractions increase our feelings of shame and guilt. Shame and guilt are the two lowest human emotions according to this chart on human consciousness. You can’t do anything or make any constructive decision for yourself and your Happiness when you are on these low levels.

    So once I was freed from those low emotions, I was finally able to think objectively about my life and work towards either fixing my marriage or walking away.

  • Onthefence

    February 22nd, 2015 at 7:29 PM

    And what have u decided?

  • loveness

    April 21st, 2015 at 5:59 PM

    I left him.
    When I objectively sat down and thought about the emotional unfulfilled needs made worse with his porn addiction, the invisible scars from the emotional and verbal abuse. The restrictions to my spirituality where meditation and such was concerned, I left.
    I did agree to therapy though but so far that does not seem to be working. We are supposed to be going on dates but he won’t ask me because he says he is afraid of rejection. So….I’m here alone. ..not seeing anyone, just spending time with me.
    some days are better than some. ..some days are filled with great longing. ..but not for what we had but rather for what I know I deserve.

  • Sara B.

    July 6th, 2015 at 10:12 AM

    I wish I could leave, but how can I? I am a house wife and mother of two young children.They would be devastated. My belief is that God hates divorce but I just don’t see how this marriage can work. I need help pronto! I am so depressed that I have suicidal thoughts. He knows I don’t love him. I want to, but I am so disgusted by him physically and dissatisfied emotionally. Intellectually, he does not stimulate me either. I feel like we’re having the same boring conversation over and over. It has been almost 19 years and I have been unhappy for most of them.I wish someone could help me because I feel stuck or “frozen”.

  • Bradley

    October 16th, 2016 at 1:07 PM

    I know I’m a man so my opinion isn’t going to mean much to the women on here because men and woman operate differently but I have a ton of knowledge in this area and want anyone else who comes here with the same problem to think.
    A lot of you are bored and the problems you mention are indeed problems but you are so focused on them that you aren’t even looking at the good. Do you think your spouse is 100% happy with you? Are you perfect in every way? Of course not. If your spouse abuses you physically or verbally then by all means leave them but if it’s stuff like nothing in common anymore or doesn’t help at home, doesn’t take you out on dates, is boring, not attracted anymore ALL of you are in the wrong. Not for feeling the way you feel but you cannot make you love last forever by looking at the bad. Trust me. I’ve seen several marriages failed and heard all of there stories. If you are bored and unhappy with yourself you are going to find unhappiness in the relationship and focus on all the negative. I just know from experience you will be happy being out of the marriage for a while and feel free to do as you please but it goes away. After that you will get lonely again and you will look for mr. Right. Well believe me you will find him… Until the magic wears off again and you are in the same position again. You can be happy in any situation if the problem isn’t an abusive one but it’s your choice. I am just letting you know after a while you are going to be in the same boat and maybe miss what you once had. Life isn’t easy and same goes for relationships. They take solid work and can always improve.

  • Crystal

    December 22nd, 2014 at 7:17 AM

    loveness…i have the same problem…A) no sex with my husband for months..he gained lots of weight and i dont feel as much attracted to him anymore and B) i met someone while on vacation in Greece where i am originally from that i believe is the one…the problem is that he doesn’t know i am married…and he is in Greece .We had a really great time but i felt bad that i lied to him.at the end i decided to return to my husband and work on my marriage. I left from the other guys life by just telling him that i don’t want a relationship with him anymore….and didn’t call or text him anymore.

    I do care about my husband and want us to be the way we used to be at the beginning.

    But this other guy is still in my heart and i do cry sometimes while listening to a song or remembering wonderful moments we had.
    I am pretty sure he will find someone else since he is not married. If he knew i was married i don’t thing anything would have happened. I don’t know how to handle all my emotions…don’t know how to forget about him while trying to concentrate on my marriage.

    I feel so bad that i played with someones feelings, even if friends might say that i shouldn’t feel so bad, he is single, got nothing to loose, while with me my whole marriage might end. I wish i could have someone to talk to…i have no family members here in the States, my whole family is in Greece. Thank god i found this forum and can somehow say whats in my heart..

  • Catherine

    December 31st, 2014 at 5:25 PM

    Crystal, I feel like our situations are so similar. I have been married to my husband for 25 years. In the last five, maybe six years my husband has been so cold and distant. Sex at the beginning of the marriage was awesome but in the mentioned 5 to 6 years it was reduced to once or twice a year…maybe 3 or 4…There was a time that he wouldn’t touch for 10 months in a row. Every time we talked he would be so irritated that sometimes I would just prefer not to talk at all. He never hit me though…the cruelty, to me is all emotional. One day, sometime in August of this year…I just got fed up and stopped waiting for him to change back to the way he was with me…this was after years of talking to him and begging him to stop being so cold and distant to me.

    I consider myself a good wife. I have a job, I do the house, raised our two kids who are now both college graduate. He could not complain about sex either because I am very responsive and very good at it…when he wanted it, because many times when I started it, he would turn his back on me and go to sleep…I couldn’t count the times he rejected me.

    So in August I just stopped expecting anything from him and went on a dating site and looked for another guy. Found him and started an affair with him. He’s divorced, with a great job and he is great in bed. He satisfies me in a way that my husband has not done in 6 years. The problem with this guy is that he does not want any commitments or expectations. He knows I’m married and he doesn’t care because our relationship as far as he is concerned is just for friendship and sex. At first it was ok with me too. But unfortunately, I fell in love with my new guy. He says that he love me too but I don’t think he really does. I moved out and told my husband about my lover. After two weeks, my husband and I made up and he asked me to move back in. At the time my lover was away and was not communicating with me. I took it like it was the end of it.
    It’s been a month since I moved back in. My husband has changed. He is more attentive, and affectionate and sex is now the same as when we just got married. But my lover came back and asked me back…I wouldn’t have a problem if I didn’t love my new guy or if I loved my husband. Now that my husband is doing what he didn’t for years, I cannot correspond because I don’t love him anymore.

    I am torn between my husband and my 25 year relationship with him and my lover that I feel I couldn’t live happily without…I can’t stop thinking about my lover even when I’m having sex with my husband. This is very hard because I can’t tell anyone about my problem. My family who I once told were all disappointed about my having a lover. I had to lie to all of them and told them that I broke up with my lover. They were happy that I did. My kids became distant…and are jut slowly getting closer again as a result of the lie…Don’t know what to do…

  • Crystal

    January 1st, 2015 at 10:36 AM

    Catherine, I feel your pain and it’s even harder for you because of your kids…after debating on what to do…I decided to give my husband another chance…I do not communicate with my lover anymore. . It was painful at the beginning, I got over it after 3 weeks. I barely think about him anymore…I guess it wasn’t love after all…maybe enthusiasm because he gave me what I was missing from my husband…now I decided to try 6 more months…if it works out with my husband great..if not I’m going to leave and start over..if can’t stay in an unhappy marriage.

  • Liz

    December 23rd, 2014 at 3:50 PM

    I will be 26 years old on the 27th of dec. I have been with my husband for 8yrs years going on 9yrs. I was 17yrs and he was 19yrs. I got married at 19yrs And he was 21 yrs. We were teens and had the same beliefs as Christians. We meet through MySpace and really believed it was “Meant to be”. On April 1st 2008 we decided to get married without planing it ahead. We got married, And failed to realize we were having so much problems, and knowing this we should have never got married.

    There was insecurity, jealousy, envy, lust, And much more happening between us. He disrespected me, he would get so jealous with men, he would start fights with guys outside, he would not allow me to speak with other guys, And even with that i would not mind him calling girls baby, sweety, Or put his arm around them in church. He would check out women in front of me till This day. Then i started behaving The same way he was with me towards him. I became insecure, jealous. If he would hit me, i would hit him. Alot of verbal, And physical abuse became something confortable For us. The same affection he would give me would be the same affection he would give females around me. I thought that was normal and ok until he showed he didn’t like when I did it to other men.

    Besides that, he would help me Pay My bills, be there For me, be nice, loving and more. He taught me how to drive, and how to cook. But then again, ignore me like I didn’t exist.

    Right now we got into a fight physically, and I know I love him but am not in love with him. I can’t take it any longer. My fear has always been to be alone, to live alone, to have someone walk out of my life. I jumped in from living with my dad alone, to getting married with him and never being independent. I have no kids and I am happy I never had children with him. It was not meant to be to have kids with him. But I am struggling deep inside to walk away from this marriage. I feel like this fear of being lonely causes so much depression and I don’t know how to move on. I don’t have my family to talk to. I don’t have his family to talk to. At this moment I trust no one. I feel like the only way out is a very bad way. I am not crazy but I feel like I have no resources. I have a bad job and no other place to go to but a shelter. I don’t know what to do. I know that only the worst will happen to me being here, coming from an abusive family And being emotionally attached to them through abuse, is what attracts me to him emotionally. But I still can see myself without him.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    December 26th, 2014 at 12:54 PM

    Thank you for your comment, Liz. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about domestic violence at https://www.goodtherapy.org/therapy-for-domestic-violence.html and additional information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Stephanie

    December 27th, 2014 at 8:01 PM

    Hi, our stories sound eerily identical.

  • deeply hurt

    December 24th, 2014 at 10:10 AM

    Been with my husband 10 years been marriedunder 6 months we have had to problems so far. One ex of his sitting in our kitchen at a rental property I walk in he says she Just stopped. Few days later I find out he has been cheating with another woman. While im getting ready for work he texts her saying she is bout to go to work im going to send some one to get you soon as she leaves .he has given her money paid people to babysit her kids so he can be with her. Betrayed hurt disrespected do I want to work it out sooo angry y s

  • Sherr

    December 24th, 2014 at 5:08 PM

    I left my husband after 22 years of marriage, we had dated 8 years prior to getting married. So we were together for 30 years. I felt like i was never good enough for him. I was a stay at home mom, which I wouldn’t change for the world. My ex always told me this is my house and my whatever material item. That I never worked so I had no rights. I had to deal with the contractors to have our fence and patios built. I took care of him before we got married. I left 3weeks before our 22nd anniversary. He immediately called me and told me he changed the locks because my son was now afraid of me. I do I d out later my son never said that. At any rate, it’s been 15 years, we have grandchildren and we see eachother at the birthdays, we actually get along much better now. If you are unhappy leave. Peace of mind and self respect are what truly matter.

  • Unhappy wife

    December 24th, 2014 at 8:11 PM

    I’ve been with my husband for than 10 years. I thought I will be happy to be with him and he will take a good care of me. But everything turned out opposite. I started to feel very stressful and unhappy with him. All I could think of was stress. He doesn’t take a good care of me, most of time I’m doing everything by myself. We don’t have same interest, I’m not attracted to him anymore. I always forced myself to love him everyday. There’s no connection between us. I’ll find I always think about bad things he did but not the good things. I know he’s trying to make it up for me but I don’t have that feeling anymore. We have a son together, that’s why I’m still staying with him. I don’t want this family to be apart but I don’t love my husband anymore. Sometime, it’s so hard to leave. To make myself happy, I started to have an affair with another married man. I know this is wrong. We both are in the same situation. We don’t want to break our family but wanted to find someone to keep us happy. We felt in love with each other but can’t be together. We are so happy together, but missing him is a pain.

  • Liza

    December 26th, 2014 at 1:02 PM

    I get u. I don’t love my husband neither. It sucks being w him. His such a coward. I’m j waiting on a good time to walk out. I hate him. His so disrupting! And I’m in the same boat. I just want to get me somebody else that makes me happy.

  • gentlejack

    December 28th, 2014 at 10:08 PM

    What do you mean by he’s a coward?

  • Kat

    December 29th, 2014 at 9:24 AM

    Oops I got your message gentlejack but I didnt say anyone was a coward.

  • Liz

    December 29th, 2014 at 7:44 PM

    He always resolves everything by hitting me. So sometimes I j lock myself in my room. Hell stay outside the door yelling how much he hates me but he can’t let me go. Hell scream all this bad words and if I say anything hell get in my face. He pushes me around and pulls my hair. The last thing he did was hold my head on the rug and punch on my face, on back of my head. Luckily I only have little scratches in my face. I know probably next time I won’t get so lucky. I’ve told him his gonna end up killing me. If I try to call the police he’ll take the phone away’ hit me harder and makes sure I won’t call.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    December 29th, 2014 at 8:55 PM

    Thank you for your comment, Liz. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about domestic violence at https://www.goodtherapy.org/therapy-for-domestic-violence.html and additional information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Annie

    December 25th, 2014 at 5:17 PM

    I have been with this person for more than 23 years , been an alcoholic and cheated on me. had 4 D.U,Is. My kids have been hurt by this. I am done he want let me go wants everything. I want out. Can anybody help me?

  • lyn

    December 26th, 2014 at 11:55 PM

    Only you can make you happy.

  • Anon.

    December 27th, 2014 at 9:36 AM

    I’ve been with my husband for 11 years, married 7. We have two small kids together. I feel so alone sometimes, we don’t spend anytime together anymore. Always focusing on work and paying the bills. I feel like our relationship has gotten lost and like we are little more than roommates. I don’t feel sexy anymore, or wanted. I don’t feel like I’m worth taking out anymore or worth spending time and an effort on. When I suggest a date night it gets shot down 99% of the time. We’ve gone out 2 times alone this year and I honestly cannot remember when before that. I don’t feel wanted or like I’m worth anything but a contribution towards the mortgage and someone to do the food shopping and make sure everyone has clean clothes. I’m sad and really lonely. I crave the attention that other men give me, I have even started seeing someone… I hate myself for it but the attention and the way he makes me feel… Sexy, smart, beautiful, wanted, and like I’m worth his time… I need those things. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m incredibly lost.

  • anon2

    December 27th, 2014 at 5:26 PM

    I hear you I’m in the same position as you. The only thing that keeps us together is our two beautiful girls. I’m in love w someone else and he knows it. Now he wants to fix the marriage but I’m afraid it’s too late. I’m here with you.

  • Anon.

    December 29th, 2014 at 7:57 AM

    What are you going to do? I’m slowly falling in love with another man and I can’t get back the feelings I lost for my husband. If it weren’t for the kids I would honestly probably figure out a way to leave. I don’t have any idea what to do anymore. My heart isn’t with my husband any more. Like I said before, I feel so lost.

  • Kat

    December 29th, 2014 at 9:15 AM

    Also, I understand the lost feeling. I honestly dont know if Im coming or going. And dont know how to get to any decision

  • Anon.

    December 31st, 2014 at 1:06 PM

    I’ve decided to start talking to a therapist. I start on Friday. I’m searching for clarity and peace of mind and I am at a loss for what to do. Maybe just having someone to talk to will help me. I can’t really talk about this with people in my life as I feel I am going to be judged and ridiculed and people will take sides.

  • Kat

    December 29th, 2014 at 9:13 AM

    Hi….I dont know. I messaged other guy to give him sometime to figure his stuff out in the New Year and he said he will miss me and stuff. But because he is still in relationship (unhappy) I dont know where things might stand down the road. For my husband…I do love him but I just miss this other guy alot. Its not fair what I am doing. I dont think its lust Im feeling for this guy because I havent seen him like that for a long time, but I deep down think there is something there. I think hes afraid to leave her in case I stay with my husband and maybe Im afraid to leave my husband incase he stays with her so we are both settling :( This has been going on now over a year….not easy decisions…..

  • Ang

    January 4th, 2015 at 9:36 PM

    Kat, I’m following your story. I am in the exact same boat. I’ve been married 7 years yesterday. We have 3 kids–7,5,2. My husband travels a lot for his job and we were very separate mentally and physically this last year. So much so that for the first time in the 10 years we’d been together…. I cheated on him. I’ve now fallen in love with the other man too. My husband is really a good catch besides little verbal abuse. We married so young though 20 and he was 23. I feel we have drifted and are now different. What’s worse is he’s been really nice lately and trying hard to fix things after finding out that I had been messaging back and forth with the other man. I’m so lost. I don’t want to hurt him but I want happiness too.

  • sentina

    January 11th, 2015 at 4:24 AM

    Whatever you do, do not drag this. Every time you decide to stay away from your lover, he will tell you things to get you back. Don’t fall for that. The only way to figure this out is you stay away from the other man while you are making a decision about your marriage. I repeat. No matter how hard you think it might be, stay away from the OM until you are available.

  • linda

    January 8th, 2015 at 7:41 PM

    Sorry its been lost… u sound happy when u spoke of the guy… it sounds like your hubby has someone else for sure. A man is’nt going to do without female companionship they need it to make them feel whole and sex is a major part of a relationship, not all but a big part. U found a guy that can give u all the aspects of a fullfilling life, a partner, friend, lover and protecter. Dont lose that one its over embrace your feelings do it girl do everyone the favor.


  • lonely hudband

    December 27th, 2014 at 5:30 PM

    I have read all of your comments and I tell ya. I love my wife more than life. She was a single mom of 2. I was a single dad of 2. We married and had a baby together. I cannot explain to you the way I feel about her. She used to feel that way about me as well. Now she seems to be very distant. When I try to have a conversation it ends with I never listen to her simply because I didn’t hear her say something. I cannot live without her and want us to have the grit and fire we used to have in our relationship. Id give anything to have her look at me the way she used to. She is my soul mate yet I feel that she has forgotten that. I cant continue to be talked down to or be told to shut up anymore. I just want things to be they were. We rarely have sex anymore and its always just quick and over with and thats it. No more than once. Hell we used to go all night. I under stand that womens bodies change and all that but its not all about the sex. Its all of it. I read above where a women picks out all of the bad or annoying things her husband does…yet dont notice the good he does. That is what is happening with me. It is frustrating. I live my life to make her happy. I would die for her. I have told her that I love her too much. Im so lost and want to be found by my beautiful wife

  • G.R

    January 2nd, 2015 at 7:22 AM

    Well, sorry for what u going through… wht u guys r having is miscommunication.. u love her your way not her way.. u does something out of care and love but have you ever considered perhaps tht is not the way she wants to be loved?
    Men and women love differently.. you are loving her your way not her way.
    You should ask her how csn you fix this.. set your ego aside while listening to her.. she is not critisizing you she is simply talking out how she feels… ask her how would she love to be loved and treated.
    Listen without saying hey we do this or we do that.
    Or without giving her solutions or saying you shouldn’t be feeling that way.
    Pamper her.. simply treat her as if you are trying to have her.
    All the care, the passion, the love.
    Hope the best for you guys.
    One last thing read “men are from mars, women are ftom venus” by john gray

  • Kat

    December 28th, 2014 at 1:02 PM

    Long story short! My husband of 28 years my one and only. I left a year and a half ago due to a huge alcohol issue which took over our marriage for the last 10 plus years. Verbal & physical. Months after i left i met another man, 11 years older..im 47. We could talk about anything and he treated me really nice. One thing led to another. I had alot of guilt and told my family what I had done. My husband said sorry for putting us through this and wanted me back. On his own he cut back on his drinking to one or two drinks and not everyday. We started dating and I recently moved back home.Just to find myself missing the other guy. I cry because I miss him. I try hard everyday to be with my husband but my heart feels torn. The other guy was in a relationship of 12 years and not happy….we both feel a bit lost and miss each others company! Troubled & really conflicted

  • sylveria

    December 29th, 2014 at 4:59 PM

    Dear kat . i know exactly what you’re feeling cause i had the same situation . i left my husband for the same reason and more he was cheating on me and he did it several times + he is selfish and mean person … i came back home for my children they need me but now i regret it as he promissed to stop alcohol and he didn’t .he is worst then before he hit me once and he’s jobless and taking all my salary and the children don’t appreciate that i stay just for them and i don’t want another guy in my life i just want to raise them so the problem is not because u miss the other guy but i think that u don’t love ur husband anymore or maybe u need some time to forgive .i meen who wants to stay with a man with such behavior? I know some day i’ll go away and this is all i need is being away from him .

  • shelly

    December 29th, 2014 at 12:38 AM

    To all the women whose husband have cheated on them there is no excuse or pardon in my book.It usually means they don’t care enough to be loyal. I’ve been in several tempting situations and have always stayed true because I cared. On the other hand if given the same opportunity at this time I would most likely stray because over the past year have found out my husband is a liar-mostly about money and secretly taking drugs- so at this point I really don’t care about the relationship,him, or if I were to get caught.

  • smith

    December 30th, 2014 at 7:41 PM

    Dear readers,
    what about same question from a man.
    I don’t love my wife anymore. Should I divorce (after 20 years)?

  • Anon.

    December 31st, 2014 at 1:07 PM

    I really wish I could answer it for you. Life is so precious and we only get one chance to live it. We need to decide the best way to do that to be happy.

  • becky

    December 31st, 2014 at 9:18 AM

    For all you women out there in sorry for the things you are going thru! I really don’t love my husband as much as I used to either. Been together for 10 years. The sex sucks. He doesn’t kiss right. He doesn’t like to brush his teeth and has a major zit issue. But I couldn’t imagine myself without him! We have been married for going on 3 years. We are high school sweet hearts. He likes to get in my face when We fight but he has never touched me and I have never touched him. He likes to call me a bi… Or his favorite cu.. I’m tired of the verbal abuse. We do have a 6 year old son together and we have never cheated. And I would never leave my son. I’d kick the husband out first. But I’m devoted and will die with him. I’m faithfull and that’s that…

  • sherif

    January 3rd, 2015 at 11:12 AM

    Whatever you do, don’t have kids if your relationship isn’t wonderful. Kids never improve a relationship, on the contrary

  • Sarah

    January 4th, 2015 at 5:54 PM

    Ive been married to the most gorgeous caring man for the last 10 years, been together 12…
    He is such a good man and has looked after me and never given up on me through some serious traumas and mental health problems…
    I finally sorted my life out and started losing weight, exercising and started a martial art…
    I feel like we’ve started to drift… We hardly ever touch each other sexually and when he does, im not attracted to him… it takes me forever to climax if i even do at all.
    Recently a younger guy (8 years my junior) started sexting me and I was enjoying it and felt so horny all thd time…. Ive had to stop myself actually going over there and having sex… Ive stopped the contact with him because i realise its not how i want to treat my husband… But for the first time i years ive felt like my sex drive is back on but not towards my husband. I dont know what to do. Ive changed so much mentally and physically that i dont know if ive just moved on… I feel so guilty about even thinking about not being with him anymore… It makes me so sad to think of my life without him, and I cant imagine being without him, but i need to feel attractive and lusted after and i need to feel sexual desire towards him… Help!!!


    January 5th, 2015 at 7:19 PM

    Hi ladies and gentlemen! I am a 31 year old female Ben with my husband over 9 yrs, we just got married in July. We have 1 daughter and I have a older daughter that’s not his. I’m not in love with him anymore but I can’t picture my life without him. He will give the world for me and my kids, but he does not pay me any attention. He does not make me feel like a woman and I’m hurt. Also he does not do dAddy daughter stuff with the kids. And I see how it makes my daughter feel and it’s hurts me I say something and we argue all the time most of the time I start it. He has never bought me anything, he will give me the money and think that’s better than picking me out a gift. In the bedroom it’s not there any I rather masterbate than to let him touch me. Almost 2 years ago I caught him on 2 different dating lines we argued I left him and slept with someone else.I CAN NOT 4 GET WHAT HE DID AND SO I ALWAYS THINK HE’S DOING SOMETHING! That really pissed him off. I saw a comment where someone said if he cheats he don’t care enough. ON THOSE LINES DOES THAT COUNT AS CHEATING? SHOULD I STAR OR GO? I KNOW I I HAVE TO DECIDE IN THE END. BUT PLEASE GIVE ME SUM GOOGLE ADVICE.

  • zodwa

    January 7th, 2015 at 11:58 AM

    You are not alone in tht situation.I’m dating another man now and we really happy together he make feel like a queen, but I’m still staying with my husband whereas I do not love him,he has been cheating to me several times he has got another baby outside our marriage and he is responsible in raising tht child he sometimes forced me to allow his child to visit in my house.

  • missi

    January 7th, 2015 at 9:45 PM

    My husband and I were married in 94 and were deeply in love. We both started using drugs around 2006 and in 2011 I quit. He however did not. We separated and continually tried to make things work even though he moved to another state and began sleeping with multiple different women. I have not compromised on going back to him because he is still using drugs we have children. I haven’t relapsed at all. I however am having such a difficult time. I keep crying and having panic attacks. I truly love him and married him because i did. I don’t know how to let go and move on. It hurts so much. Any advice is much appreciated. Thank you

  • A guy

    January 8th, 2015 at 11:53 PM

    Seems like a lot of people are falling out of love these days and stop being attracted to each other. It’s a shame and it nearly caused a divorce between me and my wife as well, but we have agreed to try to get together again and save the attraction. We are doing marriage counseling and are slowly resolving the issues and at the same time working on intimacy issues. I did the mistake of letting myself go (in terms of living unhealthy) but working on that now and I’m getting fit. This time I’m aiming for perfection and six pack, my wife deserves to have really good looking guy.

  • sexymom

    March 6th, 2015 at 11:06 AM

    Good for you! I wish my husband would do the same. He knows he’s overweight and I don’t like it bc I’ve told him several times he’s fat and I’m not attracted to him but he doesn’t commit to a change. He will attempt to eat healthy for a day or “fast” but he never stocks to it. He disgusts me I can’t even look at him anymore. And don’t get me started on the sex. I never have any desires to sleep with him. He can’t even last for more than 2 two mins without stopping frequently bc he’s already getting off. He apologizes all the time for that and knows that if he got in shape it would that but that isn’t even good enough incentive to change. Idk what the hell he thinks but I’ve said the D word several times tou would think he would change. I Just feel trapped. Our faith doesn’t condone divorce and he’s been married before. I never truly loved him. Married for the wrong reasons. Rushed way fast into it. I can’t stand it when he comes home. I’m happier when he’s not around. I immediately get depressed when he comes home. Only with him now for our 1yr old boys. Hes admitted to looking at porn and he’s had a pill addiction but he’s currently working on both….finally. What do I do? We are total opposites. He’s a hillbilly and I’m a good looking city girl that comes from a happy middle class family. I know my family would have my back if I left.

  • Lonely man

    October 16th, 2016 at 1:36 PM

    I see woman talking about there gross men and how they let themselves go but let me tell you something… My ex wife was always big. When I first met her she hid it really well and it wasn’t until a year later when we had sex for the first time that I realized she was way way unhealthy and over weight. She constantly complained about her weight and I tried helping her with it. She constantly went on diets only to drop them a week or so later. I grew to resent her and told her flat out I wasn’t attracted to her heavy. How she was absolutely beautiful but was so over weight and unhealthy that I was not attracted to it. That was 2 years into the 8 years we were together. Know what’s funny? I know all you ladies will bash me for acting that way but you think the same when your husband isn’t what you hoped he would be but unlike the person who posted above me I slowly got past it and realized I didn’t love her for her looks or body. I loved her for her mind. I apologized for me saying that stuff and explained that’s not why I loved her in the first place. Now after that she said she forgave me. Well she didn’t.

    Years later she constantly brought it up in fights. She brought stuff up about me being stupid and verbally abusive. When we argued she was the one getting in my face and screaming at me, hitting me, etc. So after all those years of me trying to sit down and talk to her about the problems while she yelled at me and screamed stuff from the past in my face guess what? She left me because she couldn’t let go of the past and “wasn’t in love with me anymore” we still keep contact but the way she talks to me after 8 years is absolutely dreadful. She treats me like a buddy and if I try and talk about the old relationship she shoots me down instantly and vanishes for days. It is so unfair and hurts so much. All I ever wanted to do was grow together and learn together. I had my flaws but so did she but she still managed to find a way to fall out of love.

  • dotson

    January 9th, 2015 at 4:19 PM

    Me and my wife agreed it was time for us to go our separate ways. It was a relief. I came o terms with being on my own and taking care of my son. Our marriage has been unhappy and mostly loveless for years, so it was a relief. I ended up beginning a relationship with a childhood friend. It’s been amazing. Fast forward 6 months (waiting for our child to finish school), my wife wants to reconcile, and thinks I might be having an affair. I don’t want to reconcile, and that has nothing to do with my friend. I made the divorce decision based on our marriage. I’m really stuck now as to what to do. I don’t want to be married, but don’t want to hurt my wife either.

  • jennifer

    January 10th, 2015 at 1:44 PM

    We been Married for 6 years, now my husband he want to get divorced me, I am so sad,I’M still loving him,i don’t know what to do? he said didn’t happy with me anymore.

  • emily

    January 10th, 2015 at 9:08 PM

    I’ve been with this guy for two years now. He is absolutely head over heels for me. A fantastic guy really. I am very lucky and I know that. He is sweet, romantic, great with my son and just all around perfect for me. He proposed to me 3 months ago, and wants to start a family with me. He would make an excellent father and husband. But I’m just not sure. I care about him very deeply, but I’m not absolutely certain that I’m in love. I have talked with him about this and he keeps asking what he can do to make me happy. But he hasn’t done anything wrong. And I’m not sure if there is anything he can do. There either is or there isn’t right? I’m at a complete loss. I don’t want to end my perfect relationship just because I’m unsure but I don’t know if this is what I want. I realize I’m being a little bit selfish but I don’t want to regret it later. Any help would be greatly appreciated thanks.

  • Simly

    January 11th, 2015 at 8:01 AM

    I am married for 3years whom I loved. I have a son of 2 years old. Recently one of my friend got married and I feel jealous to his wife. I still love my husband he cares me. But I don’t know what happened to me I just want to be single and my friend loves me.

  • Shadab

    January 16th, 2015 at 5:52 AM

    Dont do this mistake that guy is just an attraction n he wont accept you dnt ruin ur life n ur kids life you arent single anymore…

  • patti

    January 11th, 2015 at 11:36 AM

    Hi, I’m a 31year old woman who has been married for almost 10 years now and have been with my husband for 12 years now. We have an amazing 6year old son. I’m not in love with him In any way n I don’t love him. I have cheated on him after 8 years of marriage since there was no love there since before that. He never initiates intimacy so for the past two years we have stopped sleeping together n not even in the same bed. I fell deeply in love with the guy I cheated with but he is married as well and we were both in the same situation. Anyway, I knw I want to leave but I’m worried about how it will affect my son. I’m leaving because I need to be happy . I ended it with the other person and I miss him but I wanna do it for me not for him. Since we were 3months into our marriage I was getting sex probably once a month or twice if I’m good. Hmmmm. What to do? Plz help

  • Shadab

    January 16th, 2015 at 5:51 AM

    Hi Patti,
    I am looking these days through many such articles like these and have come across one thing in common that we do things rather than being patient we act in a hurry..Patti you did a mistake and you kniw that you were wrong if you take a divorce you would affect your son. We live in a society today which is filled with people who talk not in front of us but behind us. You would need to ask that person that is he ready to leave his wife for you and is he ready to accept you and your son if not then you probably stay where you are and repent on the mistake you have done and try to compromise otherwise move on as it is your relationship with your husband is dead….hope this helps

  • deb

    January 14th, 2015 at 9:09 PM

    I have been married for 4 years now . And yes my husband cheated on me when we were separated . I found out after we got back together. I feel like he married me for money that I got from my inheritance . He has never worked since I have know him . He think that everyone owes him. I have discovered that he is a liar theft and will use any female out there .no matter what . So I kick him to the curb

  • Marie

    January 15th, 2015 at 6:44 PM

    I too have somthing similar. Ive been married 37 years, have three grown children. I live day by day. I love my husband, but im not in love with him anymore. He feels the same about me, I hear it each day from him. He is very unkind to me each day and it’s getting me depressed and unwanted. I don’t sleep whith him for several years now. He has no interest in romance. I miss it.
    What makes it hard for me. I am one of 11 children, all Of my siblings live in Holland. My three kids are in the us like me.
    I don’t know if I should leave him and lose all my benefits. We do have some assets. I don’t know if i should get out of the house and get my own? Understand this; I don’t want a divorce. I have so much history with him and love for him. I just can’t stand him. Next to me all the time. My husband became like this over the 6 years, since he retired. Now he has taken over the whole household that I use to do. I think he repeates himself a lot to me. Please advise. Someone

  • Maggie

    February 24th, 2015 at 9:41 PM

    Dear Marie, I have been married 42 years, am 63 years old and retired 3
    years. My husband retired at the same time. Being together this much is
    suffocating. I am going to volunteer and make myself get out of house
    if he isn’t going to. So should you. Just because we are married does not mean we need to be together so much.
    As for him being unkind- that is not acceptable. Tell him you will not be
    disrespected and if there is something he wants to say- spit it out and face it.
    My husband is heavy, has sleep apnea ( meaning we have not been able to sleep in same bed for 10 years due to heavy snoring.)
    I am not Willing to have sex anymore because I am not interested in sex anymore. He knows this and wishes I would but after 42 years, it is for better or worse.

  • Restofmylifehappy

    January 17th, 2015 at 3:16 PM

    I disagree with those who say you have to stay because you owe it to working on your marriage. If you’ve fallen out of love and have tried to work on it already, you don’t have to stay just because you signed a marriage license. It’s nothing but a piece of paper, and I’m sorry but that’s what I truly believe. Vows are nonsensical words that are said at marriage ceremony and then the piece of paper is signed. If you’re in a relationship with someone, the same thing applies to you as if you were married. It’s STILL a committed relationship with another person. I believe in divorce as I was divorced finally after going back and forth, listening to what societal standards told me to do and “work on the marriage” and go to counseling, etc. When one person has checked out, working on the marriage alone is a big waste of time. I’m recently divorced and so is my significant other and we’ve both never been happier in our lives. People change spiritually and mentally and there are a large number of married couples that married in their early 20’s for the wrong reasons because it was the next thing to do. Values change, beliefs change and people want different things so they divorce. I was trapped in a marriage with a man that I no longer loved and my SO was in a sexless marriage that had grown indifferent. Trying was like pulling teeth for him. Who wants to live like that? No one has to.

  • Cattop

    January 20th, 2015 at 7:07 PM

    I married my husband 27 years ago because I was getting “old”, a mere 27 years old, and I wanted children sooner than later. We got a long because be both liked to party and he had some really funny friends. From the very beginning he did not like sex, I loved it and thought I could change him, who could not like sex. I should have known since at the age of 37 he never had a girlfriend. Fast forward -we have two amazing children, he is a great communicating father. However, I do not love him at all and I know I never really did. BTW he stopped drinking when my daughter was born and I was now a responsible mother. All we had/have in common were the kids. And now they are grown and out and we have gone in totally different directions. He is into church and motorcycles I am into bicycling, hiking and volunteering. Anyway, my problem… I really want to bring up D but I don’t know how, for some reason he really likes what we have going on, and the other issue is EVERYONE loves him because he is a “nice guy”. But I just can’t stand it any more. Oh by the way I can’t even look at him, he is repulsive to me, fat and well, fat. No sex for 12 years. How do I bring up the D subject.

  • dotson

    January 21st, 2015 at 12:31 PM

    As someone who is about to file for divorce I have had a problem with one thing mentioned. To paraphrase “have you tried everything”. What does that mean? To me trying everything means never getting divorced or seperating, because there will always be something else to try. Sometimes you just know it’s not working. Why keep trying? To please or appease others? I know long term married couples who can’t stand each other, but they will never divorce. Makes no sense. They sleep separate, travel separately, don’t have great intimacy, etc. It’s just kids, finances, and appearence to the outside world that keeps them together. Whats’s the point? That’s where I’m at right now. There is no doubt I could theoretically stay with my wife. It would make everyone’s life easier….all except mine. Infidelity and abuse are not the only reasons to move on. Trust, respect, appreciation, support, and a few other things over time can destroy love and marriage. When I married I could see us growing old together. At one point that was a dream. That thought for me now is a nightmare. She really had a change of heart and wants to work things out. But my heart is no longer in it.

  • Cattop

    January 21st, 2015 at 2:58 PM

    Dotson, I like your thinking. someone once told me that once the respect is gone you know for sure (usually) the relationship is over. That would be respect on either/both side(s). I lost the respect for my husband when he 1) didn’t take care of himself and 2) started sitting around on the couch and at the computer all day long and didn’t care to help out with the house (I work 40 hours). He is retired and can do that. He is a really “nice guy” but is that any reason to stay?

  • Jude

    January 21st, 2015 at 10:31 PM

    Tiffany – the grass is always greener on the other side. I have seen what you are going through so many times and women/men live to regret it. When life hits a lull we see that as a relationship not working rather than seeing what is missing within ourselves or our life’s purpose.

    Your husband loves you, respects you and treats you well. That is not second best – that is a rare thing to find in this day and age that some would give anything for. No one can tell you to divorce or not but please think hard if anything else could be making you feel unhappy – lack of meaning/direction. Because finding the perfect match is so rare as is finding someone who will love us unconditionally without seeking something in return only.

    Great sex does not constitute true love or a wonderful life. Having someone there for you whether for richer or poor, sickness or health is the real deal.

  • T

    January 22nd, 2015 at 3:10 AM

    I was deeply in love w the father of my baby for 3 years. He’s a good guy. I left my family and the state I was living in to move in with him. He watches everything I do it his house. It’s never felt like home. We sleep in separate beds. He makes me sleep with baby. Last week he called me fat, lazy said that I had bad skin and that he wanted a real woman. Something changed in me after that. I don’t feel the same way about him. I love him but I’m not in love with him anymore. Mind you I work 60 hours a week and I’m basically the provider of the house. And I know I’m not fat and ugly. I don’t know what to do

  • Charlie

    January 26th, 2015 at 2:50 PM

    T, i would suggest you seriously consider whether you want to be with him anymore or not. Watching everything you do and then criticising you sounds like controlling behaviour to me and this is something that could get much worse which you don’t want your child to witness. Think about it but if i were you i would leave, there are far better men out there than him, and though that is only my opinion i do speak from experience.

  • Ge

    January 22nd, 2015 at 10:26 AM

    I think that most of the women in this discussion never loved their husband because they don’t know what love is. I know that sounds harsh. But I say it respectfully.

    God teaches us what love is about. He created us and gave us life. Yet we rejected him and disrespected him. And in response he suffered death for us in the person of Jesus Christ. The fact is that we don’t deserve God’s love. But he loves us anyway.

    All of you women that are married promised to love your husbands until death do you part. The love and respect you give your husband is not because he deserves it. If you only love someone when they “deserve” it then you don’t love them at all.

    Even if you don’t take your marriage vows seriously, God does. He tells us in the Bible that he will not listen to the prayers of a person that divorces.

    But here is the kicker. If you leave your marriage you will not be happy. Your inability to love will follow you to your next marriage. The next man will seem exciting and great at first. And then the same pattern will repeat itself. You will fall out of love again and be just as unhappy, if not more so.

    God did not make the rules for us that he did because he is a fuddy dutty that want to stand in the way of our happyness. To the contrary. He created us and he put those rules in place because he understood that our short term urges would stand in the way of our long term happiness.

    My advice is as follows. First, read your Bible and learn what true love is. The share that love with the man you vowed that you would love for life. When you obey God’s commands happiness always results. It can be tough at first. But your creator knows what will make you happy. And he will stand by you and fill you with happiness once you follow him. The Lord knows what love is. He loves you even though you do not deserve it.

  • Charlie

    January 26th, 2015 at 2:56 PM

    And what about those in abusive marriages? Should they stay because God will not listen if they get divorced? Would God want them to stay with their spouse when they live in fear for their lives every day?

  • Morgan

    January 28th, 2015 at 9:11 AM

    Are you a man? It is unfair for you to judge EVERY woman on this page or all women who want divorces in general by saying they never loved their husbands. How can you love a person who never comes home and goes out drinking every night and cheats on you? How can you love a person who beats you or is abusive in other ways? Come on, get real. There are REAL, acceptable reasons out there for divorce and you have no right to judge ALL women based on one or two cases that you read that you don’t agree with.

  • John

    January 31st, 2015 at 6:36 AM

    I am a gay and I love my Bf but i dont feel inlove with him sometimes and i feel like not interested but i love him and i dont want to leave him or hurt him i once told him if my love will fade again. i will still choose to love him. i know that the bible hates samesex relationship. i am always praying that we can still be forever. i want to fight for our relationship. i am just afraid why there is no spark anymore. In fact he came in my life 2 days after a prayer and i do believe God gave him to me. i Wish God will still always help us to be happy and live together forever.

  • dotson

    January 23rd, 2015 at 5:13 AM

    I get the same thing “she is so nice”. The best way to bring up the “D” word is to just say it. When you do it will be such a relief.

    No one here is God, so no one can love like he can. When you are treated less than you deserve, it is nothing wrong with removing yourself from the situation. I seriously doubt that God wants people to suffer in relationships for 20, 30, 40 years because they made vows of till death do us part. As a Christian I really get tired of other Christians picking and choosing what parts of the Bible they want to follow and practice. Casino’s, bingo night, bake sales, choir competitions, homosexuality…..all these are against what the Bible states, but how many are allowed in church these days. My point is deciding to get a divorce is a very hard decision, especially when you have kids involved (I do). However, once you reach a point where staying is no longer beneficial to all it’s time to move on. How can you tell someone they haven’t loved their husbands?

  • confused

    January 28th, 2015 at 3:37 AM

    Hello. I am so lost. Im 23, my husband 25. We have been married only for 1,5yars, but together we are like 6 years. We were just a kind when we started. There was no fights or something, he treated me very well, Still does. And loves me werry much. I met this guy, he is in our friend group. I just were obsessed, i wanted him so much.. he was so interesting, so deep and exciting. Younger.. just 21. We became friends. Yes I cheated, it was just for fun, i felt so amazing with him.. one day I realized that I dont love my husband, but I love this guy and he said he never falls in love, but he did too and wants me to divorce and be with him and even marry him. He said he will wait for me, while i figure out my marrage and divorce my husband. My husband knows about my doubts, he is so heartbroken and tries everything to keep me. Its so uncomfortable to be around him and i dont even want to go home from work. I found myself. I am differet since I met my lover. I think differently and have no feelings for my husband, i have different interests. Its so booring to be with him. He is vanilla- family person, I realised- I am so not! I want adventures, fun in life..This other guy seems like my soulmate and I cant even remember why I loved my husband. Thing I am afraid of is to hurt people around me. My husband would die if I leave, my parents are in shock about my thoughts. Seems like i have to stay with my husband just to make everyone else happy but me. Its okay to live with him, but i dont have this connection with him like with that other. It is so hard. I am young, wild but not free. Now im trying to work my marriage, but it kills me not to be with my new love and he also wants me so much. This is so hard. And I cheated, he kinda forgave me, but i know its killing him every day, but he still fights for me. I dont know what to do, i cry every day, so many opinions, im so lost. Help me!

  • Confused two

    January 29th, 2015 at 5:24 PM

    @confused – I’m in a similar position mine is a lil different. I’ve been together with my husband for 18 years married for 12. We have a 17 year old son. my story is way to much to type up. But I can understand. I’ve fallen out of love. I care for him but feel nothing else. I had an affair and found that one person that I knew was the one person That I made an instant connection with. We started as just friends. Always group events but we also seemed to make that personal connection after a few months we took our friendship to another level. That level took us from friends to lovers to then realizing that we are both in love with each other. My husband found out, forgave me, but I also told my husband I don’t feel the same way for him. But he doesn’t want to let go. I also feel as if I’m pleasing everyone other then me. I know what I want just don’t know how to do it.

  • confused3

    August 18th, 2016 at 9:57 PM

    I’m in the same situation as you right now. What did you end up doing?

  • Cattop

    January 28th, 2015 at 9:56 AM

    Confused, Do what ever you are going to do before you have children!!!! If you feel this way now it will be WAY WAY more challenging after you have kids and that will be terrible for them if you guys are not happy. And it gets even worse after the kids are gone. I say you are lucky to have found out you don’t have “those feelings” for the man you married now before you get to many years under your belt. Even if it doesn’t work out with this other guy. At least you can look around without cheating. Also, it will be better for him. He can now find someone who really respects and loves him.

  • unsure :/

    January 28th, 2015 at 2:05 PM

    Hi ive been married for 4 years I have 2 daughters. My husband was the best boyfrien ever he treated me like there was no one more important than me in his life. But lately our marriage has been going down. We fight very often and I really dont know if I really still love him. We lack communication and all because he is always playing on his phone or searching for stuff online…if not he is always in the room watching movies that dont interest me. He is addicted to his game…the only way he will pay attention to me and tell me nice things is when he want to have sex. I feel used. I really dont like having sex with him anymore…I can go weeks with out even wanting sex. I dont know what to do to bring my love back for him. I want my daughters to grow with their father but I feel im not happy with him anymore…please help:(

  • Aisho

    January 31st, 2015 at 6:04 PM

    I’m in the exact same situation….

    I can’t stand my husband, he annoys the living daylights out of me. Most days I want to smack him for some of the things he says to me, but it’s not worth the criminal charges.

    Before I met him I loved sex, now I can’t stand it! I don’t find him attractive, I can’t stand his attitude, I don’t want to be with him.

    In the past I’ve left boyfriends for the more attractive option, this time I don’t have another man lined up…I just want out because I HATE my marriage.

    I would much rather be with myself and forget him. I don’t think I even have feelings for him anymore.

    Let me know what you end up doing!

  • lost

    January 28th, 2015 at 7:41 PM

    My husband and I have been together 6 years, married one. Shortly after the wedding we got pregnant with our first child. Since our son’s birth (now 5 months) I just don’t like my husband anymore. I love him dearly, but I can’t stand him. Everything he does is annoying or begins a fight. I know the baby has added stress. Will this go away? I try to talk to him but he never sees my side. What should I do?

  • Cattop

    January 29th, 2015 at 4:58 AM

    lost, chill out and enjoy the baby. If you keep looking for annoying things you will find them. Is it worth the stress? These are trying times, a HUGE change in your “planned” life. Roll with it. Children are special little creatures and you will miss out on a lot if you keep looking at the negative. And remember men are hunters and gatherers, they provide for the family. Women are nurturers they hold things together emotionally. If you are calm and relaxed the family will too. Unless, of course he is really reeking havoc with drinking, gaming, abuse etc. then all bets are off.

  • dotson

    January 30th, 2015 at 7:59 AM

    Just make the decision. You know in your heart what you need to do. There will never be a good time. You would have never connected with someone else if you were still in love with your husband. Don’t keep torturing yourself or him. Just make sure you are not leaving for the other guy. You need to be leaving because you no longer want to be married. The thing with the other guy could go all wrong. If you leave for him you may always have regrets. If you end it because your just done…no regrets.

  • Anon.

    January 30th, 2015 at 12:31 PM

    I cheated on my husband. I feel sick to my stomach. Things between the other man and I are basically totally over, nothing more than a hello passes between us anymore. What have I done? I’m feel like I’m going to vomit.

  • Anonymous

    January 31st, 2015 at 5:36 PM

    I’m 23 years and i’ve been seeing this guy for 5 months now. Everything was perfect and on point. We have our fights and we would always find a way to solve them and move on peacefully. I just found out that i’m pregnant with his child. Things started to change drastically, on my side. I remember there was a day when I had prepared my heart to let go of him. That was during the timewhen we were having our little fights. It was before I fell pregnant.

    I woke up one day and told him that i want us to break up and that we will raise our baby together. I’m always crying these days. I don’t know the reason for this feeling of wanting to let him go. I’ve tried to search my heart for answers to this whole matter and honestly I don’t find any. A part of md says I should break things of with him and I would have thus pain that cuts deep when this thought crosses my mind or should I say heart. I don’t know whether it’s the pregnancy. I wrote down all the things I like about him and spoke to him about the ones that I don’t like. What could have happened to me?

    I feel that this is a test. I once told some people close to me that he wants to marry me. Now that all this is happening, i’m confused. I’ve been crying for a week now and i’m so afraid that i’m putting the child’s life at danger and i’m might get a miscarriage. The thought of losing the father and the child too, totally destroys me . I would burst into tears.

    I want in this relationship but what could be driving to want to give up. He doesn’t talk positive lately. Most if the time his statements have an “if” or “maybe”. Should I let my baby daddy go for no reason. Funny thing,when I’m with him I don’t get any morning sicknesses, everything becomes normal. I think his previous marriage has an effect on all this.

    I’m thinking of leaving town. I can’t stand being here anymore if we are to break up. I will be seeing him with someone maybe. He says he will be 100%involved in the baby’s life. I don’t want that, I want him to be there for both of us, the baby and I. Where did we go wrong? Please help.

  • Cattop

    February 1st, 2015 at 5:37 AM

    Aisho, Not sure who you were responding to but this is my reply to you. First off, do you have children? I am going to do as Dotson suggested (as of right now)and just “rip off the Band-Aid”. However, I am going to do it in two years…. I know that sounds funny but I am holding out for my son (19 yrs old). We have put sooo much work into him getting into college and he now is VERY motivated and excited about his future. He would NOT take a separation between his “perfect parents” well and it would stop him in his tracks. I cant be that selfish. Besides I have lived like this for 15+ years, what is another two. I do not want to get out of this farce of a marriage to meet someone (although that would be nice) I want out because I cant stand looking at or being around him. My problem now is, Dotson maybe you can respond to this, is that my husband “Loves” me tremendously. I have absolutely no idea why but he does. And he is really one of those “really nice guys”; calls me Love and Sweetheart and wants to do things with me. I cringe every time this happens, but I hold my tongue. I guess my problem is there really is no reason for me NOT to like him but I really really don’t. I have tried to change my frame of mind but it just keeps going back. So my problem, again, will it just better as time goes on and I am too old to care? It is a lot of work getting out of a marriage. House, items in house, finances, kids(emotionally), family. How is it all done …. it is so daunting. Is it worth it?

  • dotson

    February 2nd, 2015 at 5:11 AM


    I was pretty much in similar situation as you. Waiting for my child to get older. If you do it now, or 2 years from now, the pain will still remain. Waiting just prolongs the resentment. My wife wants to reconcile as well. She is what you could describe as “a nice woman”, but that doesn’t make me any happier. I look at it this way, the older I get, the less I care. Years of marriage should bring people closer, not foster separation. When we agreed almost 3 years ago to split, i think we were in a good place. Because of deaths in family, jobs, moving, finances, etc. we no longer are. I have lost all feelings for her from a romantic standpoint. I still have love for her, but as a friend, mother of my child, being family. The simplest way someone put it to me is, if you had the chance right now to get married and have a fabulous vacation to rekindle the marriage, would you? For me that answer is a no. The people we are when we get married can be totally different than who we are after years of life experiences. You really have to analyze who you are as a person. When I do that and think about my wife, if we were only dating now, I would never ask her to be married. I probably wouldn’t even have made it past a few dates. Our way of looking at life are so vastly different in almost all categories. Religion, child rearing, sex life, future endeavors, etc. No way I would even think about a serious relationship with her. Sounds like you have a similar situation. We currently are not living together. My son is still doing well, although I’m sure he’d prefer his parents together. At the end of the day, divorce is not easy. For all the reasons you listed. People may call it selfish, but a some point in life don’t you deserve to be happy. What I find is that I’m happier now. No longer living in a big home with the pool and man cave. I feel free, irregardless of have less money. I can think with an open mind. The stress of being in a bad relationship, abusive or not, is just not worth it anymore. I come up with a theory. I really think if divorce was easier people would stay married longer. Why? I think if people knew that you could get out easy, they wouldn’t try and pull the same stuff they do. There would be more compromise and concern for each spouses feelings. People do the same crap over and over knowing “he/she will never leave. they will lose to much. why do i need to change or compromise. he doesn’t want to lose the house. she doesn’t want to lose half her assets.” Just my 3 cents.

  • Kris

    May 25th, 2015 at 7:35 PM

    Wow! What a wake up call for me. I’ve been with my husband since I was 18. I’m now 34. You just summed up my exact situation. I have some serious thinking to do.

  • sinclair

    February 3rd, 2015 at 9:43 AM

    I have been married for 15 years to my husband… We have three children, two preteens and an adult child. For the past 5 years my feelings about my husband have been slowly changing… I guess I didn’t even realize how bad it was getting. My husband is a decent man, not a drunk, has never physically or verbally abused me and is a great dad. He has however neglected me. I have felt little more than an iritation or annoyance to him. He never gave me much affection or attention… Compliments about anything were never given… He was very content spending most if his time sitting on the couch and did almost nothing to show he was interested in the marriage. I have felt so completely disconnected and lonely. Additionally we were rarely having sex… Maybe once a month! I sought out what I was desperately needing through affairs. I recently brought up my unhappinesses to him and told him I was so unhappy I had considered separation. Our communication sucks so I wasn’t really sure how serious I was taken. He has ,since that conversation a month ago, been loading on the attention and affection! The problem is, I think its just too late! I really believe I have fallen out of love with him. Slowly but surely. I almost get pissed now when he gives me the attention because why was it so damn hard to give any before!!! He has very little idea that i have drifted this far… I don’t know where to go next… I am continuing my affair and will not leave it at this point, but even if this guy was not around, it would not make me fall back in love with my husband. I am so confused and feel very selfish… We loom like a fairly happy couple from the outside I suppose..so people will be shocked… My kids will be also. My husband and I rarely argue. I guess I don’t care enough to. I don’t know what my next steps should be. I am so afraid… I second guess myself constantly… But at the same time, I have absolutely NO desire to try and work things out. The idea kind of makes me feel nauseous… What is wrong with me… What should I do next…. No one in my family or his has any idea that I am considering leaving… Help please! Before I lose my mind

  • Eva

    February 15th, 2015 at 12:00 PM

    I am exactly in the same situation.My husband used to emotional abuse me until the day I woke up and started drawing boundaries in our relationship.I stopped being afraid,stopped arguing,stopped all the negative behaviour.He got scared an looked for a psychologIst only to stop going after a few sessions.The problem now is that I do not care about him anymore.I am a fun person.I love to laugh and joke.I am trying to be more positive about life while he is always grumpy amd negative.I also second guess myself often but my dream is to actually leave him and live my life either alone or with someone I can laugh with.I hope for both of us that we finally make a decision.

  • Wifey

    February 3rd, 2015 at 2:49 PM

    So i have been with my husband for almost 7 years and married for 3.We have no kids but we both want some.I feel so much different then before like i love him but am i in love with him ? Certain things he does drives me crazy like i would like to just say “How old are you” I have been wanting to go to school and i have brought it up to him and all he says is we can’t afford it.But he will go and buy stuff that we don’t need..I was working at a job and i was having a hard time at it and told him all he was concerned about was the money..i have written him a letter before expressing how i feel.Lets just say he got mad. Then i don’t work he freaks out and says im paying all the bills by myself..i feel like saying if i wasn’t here you still would have to.He gets money from my pay check if not all of it..i don’t know what to do. .and about the sex .i feel like i wouldn’t care if i did it again with him….HELP I NEED ADVICE. .

  • jen

    February 7th, 2015 at 4:45 PM

    No children and this man has almost total control of you and your money. Do not think having children will change anything. It will indeed make things worse. You need to consider leaving your husband. It sounds like he is too insecure for you and is more interested in controlling you than in cherishing you.

  • After the honeymoon......

    February 5th, 2015 at 11:19 AM

    My reponse is for those who have felt like the love is lost after only months or a couple years and for those who have a side guy/girl. YES, marriage is different after a couple years. Please, please, PLEASE look up the effects of dopamine, seratonin, and oxytocin that are natural brain altering chemicals that make you feel “in love”. You have to come down off the high which can last up to two years (can’t remember where to cite this)-sometimes less, sometimes more, even a lot more/less-before you get to the point of what reality will be like for the next 20 years of marriage. I seriously think these chemicals are produced biologically for survival of the species! (Yes, my opinion only). Afterall, that thing that now annoys you about him that you overlooked for the first 6 months (yeah, it was really there then too) was only overlooked because you were “in love”. Best options are to not even marry until you’ve been in a relationship for a few years (I know, too late for some and only in hindsight will some agree). I married young at 21 but was in the relationship 2 years and living wtih him 18 months before marriage. I was still in the honeymoon period so still had to weather the storms when the reality hit (slowly due to life circumstances: he deployed A LOT so distance makes the heart grow fonder???).

    For those at the 7-10 year point, there really does exist that “7 year itch” or what seems like you’re living with a roommate rather than a spouse. I think without realizing it, a lot is complacency on both parts. Kids, careers, financial set backs, all run front and center and you assume the marriage is well invested in and should take care of itself. It won’t. It’s work, but can be very rewarding.

    Now at the almost 23 years or marriage, I am shocked and devastated that I can’t remember when I stopped feeling overexcited when my hubby came home from work or when I’d see his number come across my work phone when he’d call me just to hear my voice. I know it lasted well past 17 years. I hate that sometimes my reaction is “now what”? I believe that I’ve become somewhat desensitized to working on marriage in the traditional way since he’s spent the less than 18 months at home in the last 5 years of long deployments. I am used to doing things my way and running the kids and household without having to consult anyone on day to day trivial matters. And yes, I fought and lost the fight to not fulfill my physical needs after time. I tried to remain faithful but as a woman handling so much for so long and entering my sexual peak, I fell. I just needed to be touched by a man. And I saw how some believe this extramarital activity can be confused as love when it’s again the rush of needs fulfillment. I was lucky to that the side guy was a distance away so that it was not super convenient and that he was ‘loyal’ to his wife even though he was not ‘faithful’. This kept us from getting out of hand. My hubby also stepped out on our marriage from time to time. We’ve discussed it all.

    I will fight like hell to find that excitement of just his presence/calls again. He is an excellent, caring, responsible, attentive, father, husband (short of the occasional sexual affair), provider and friend. The answer has always been that whatever storm it is, in the end we will be together. That’s it. Is it easy? No. Is it for everyone? No. Both have to be willing to do what makes each other and yourselves HAPPY! Is it worth it to me? YES. You need to decide if it is for you.

    If you are being abused, there is no excuse! GET OUT and GET SAFE. There is something wrong with the abuser, NOT you!

  • Husband has ED (for many years)

    February 6th, 2015 at 12:04 PM

    I’m 64 & my husband is 66. We’ve been married 17 years. I was married before & he was married twice before.
    He has had ED just about since we were married. I put up with less than satisfactory sex for many, many years. We’ve talked about it often. He has several medical conditions, but the big problem is he loves his beer (like most men). And he eats too much & is heavy, & has sleep apnea. He only accepts that there’s a problem when I yell! I hate fights because my parents fought often … and he knows that. I’ve rewarded his bad behavior by giving him what he wants (hugs & kisses), while I don’t get what I want (sex). He & I have been to psychologists. But, he acts, looks & sounds like the innocent one, & the male psychologists look at me like I’m the bitchy, unreasonable one. Yesterday I took hours printing lifestyle changes that he should have taken … drink less, eat less, sleep more, etc. And he’s heard me say all that for years & ignored it. During a yelling session last night he blurted out that he knows he was a bad husband and should have done whatever it took to get rid of his ED. What took him so long? Why is he seeing the light now after 17 years? I’m thinking of divorce & called to get prices from an attorney today. Any advice?

  • Husband has ED (for many years)

    February 6th, 2015 at 2:17 PM

    To Sinclair: I can hear and feel your pain because I’m at the 17 year mark. I don’t miss my husband when he’s not with me, & I don’t look forward to him coming home. We also probably look like supposedly happy couples from the outside. I wish I had an answer for you. I called to get prices from an attorney today. But I don’t know if I want to get divorced or not. Lack of good sex is partly to blame. But, I lost my father before Christmas, & I had to look at my husband night after night after night laying on the couch looking like my father did on his death bed. I had to scream repeatedly & tell him repeatedly why I couldn’t deal with looking at his seemingly lifeless body on the couch before my husband cared enough to get why I was upset with him! Why are men so incredibly insensitive to women’s pain … but so aware of all the little pains they have?

  • Muqiz

    February 18th, 2015 at 12:43 PM

    Hey ladies I been in marriage for 9 years been together for 15 i know in my heart mind body in soul that in not in love with my husband I believe the only reason in still holding on is because I feel sorry for him and I know that is not an excuse but I been trying so hard to not look at it that way the things is he dont no how to please me its like he lost when it comes to me and what to do to make me happy he makes he so angry cause he thinks he the smartest person in the world and that he is never wrong on anything he lies bout the littlest things and he is not trust worthy I feel sometimes in trapped in a corner with my back up against the wall I try to talk to him about things and before I can get everything out he jumps in and thinks he know what I’m talking bout and then it all turns into a argument and he then leaves and calls his sister telling her things n other family members things against me to make me out to be the bad guy and I gotten to the point in my life in tired when I try to get things done that’s been undone for a long time he finds a way to stop me are makes excuse for them not to be done in which they never gets done give loss so much in my life with him that I no could have been blesses in which I no was blesses and in at a point in my life now that I just can’t do this marriage anymore he has stopped me from a lot of things that I no that could and would have made our life so much better only if he could have been that man that I needed in my life i thought when we gotten married things would have gotten better but seems like they just gotten worse Lord knows I been trying to get him to go to church with us and he did twice but both times he went n come home he had negative things to say he has always. Been negative minded and I just no separating would be a good thing for us but when I try to talk to him bout thatjust for 6 months he gets angry and talks off the wall instead of understanding why I asked so I just dont no what to do can someone tell what they think I should do please i need a answer .

  • Eva

    February 21st, 2015 at 12:27 AM

    Hi there,

    I am exactly in the same situation.My husband is exactly the same.He is so childish even though he is in his 40’s.I stopped giving him the negative attention he seeks.Yes,he does whatever he thinks it will lead into an argument between the two of us.It has been 2 montha now since we last had sec and even then I felt like crying afterwards.I could not stand him touching me.
    I feel sorry for him because I know it’s all due to his upbringing but for me that is no excuse for abusing your wife.
    Anyway since I am not giving him any negative attention,he is fighting everyday with our 8 year old son.That makes me despise him even more.And even the boy is resent him too.To be honest if I had the possibility to get a house of my own I would have left him yesterday.Really,living like this is killing not only me but the kids too,I believe.
    So what I want to say to you is that you are not alone in this and that for a sure we will find a solution tonoir problems.

  • Jazzy

    February 7th, 2015 at 8:09 AM

    Wow, I relate to all of your stories so much. I am in a similar boat. I’ve been married for 10 years, together for 12. We got married when we were 21. I look back and realize how immature and unprepared for marriage I was. I also had doubts and concerns going into the marriage but ignored them. My husband has been a very irritable, cynical and moody person. He would pick fights and be highly controlling. This got worse when the kids arrived (we have two little girls, ages 7 and 4). He started getting really aggressive with them. A couple times pushing them or grabbing them roughly, often bellowing at them and scaring them terribly. My daughters would not let me leave the house because of how scared they were to be left alone with their Dad. I lost all respect for him. He also lied and hid a pornography addiction from me for 4 years, something he had promised me before marriage he would never, ever do. I had asked that if he ever fell into that, that he just be honest with me because I had been lied to in the past about it. He promised he would. Now I am furious with him. I haven’t wanted to be intimate with him for many years. I have forced myself to be intimate with him but I don’t want to be there and I’m not enjoying it. After I told him I wanted to leave a few months ago, he has been trying everything to change. He has started to go to anger management counselling and we’ve gone to marriage counselling. But I really don’t think I feel any romantic love towards him anymore. I feel like it’s too late. I’d love some advice.

  • Kat

    February 12th, 2015 at 7:37 AM

    OMG! I’m so there. My husband and I have been married it seems like forever. He is a good guy, father, but lately and I chalked it up to hormones. But Im just restless, bored, etc…. I’ve been getting attention from other men and I know their flattering is just like the wind. I would hate to throw it away but sometimes I just wonder.

  • Freaked out

    February 12th, 2015 at 9:27 PM

    I have been with the same
    Guy since junior high we now have two kids 7 and 9 he is a senior in college and I dropped out h is madly in love with me about to make good money and do everything we planned but I want a divorce I don’t want to be here I just dream of leaving then he will have moments where he is all sweet and lovey and I decide I can make it work I am in love with another man but he is 30 years older than me and what kind of life will that leave me with

  • Freaked out

    February 15th, 2015 at 7:22 PM

    What about leaving a good husband for a man 30 years older?

  • Regretted it

    February 18th, 2015 at 9:42 PM

    Don’t leave your husband for another man. It is much easier to.fix a broken marriage and make it work than it is to struggle with a new relationship with another man and deal with the first one still, and deal with visitation, not to mention all the financial ramifications. I can tell you that older men know how to woo you, that’s for sure. But your dog isn’t old yet and can still learn a few new tricks. And, the older man is going to age before you. Doesn’t seem like a big deal now, but believe me it will be, when his body is failing and you’re still vivacious, you take him to his dr appts, handle his medicare bills, make sure he has his meds 4x a day, etc. That infatuation you feel now is replaced with resentment. And then, you think about what it would be like to have your real family together, your kids want it, and you realize your selfishness threw it all away for the imagined better life with someone else.


    February 20th, 2015 at 12:28 AM

    I don’t think it is a thing of woo’d he loves me and wants me, and needs me. My husband is a senior petroleum engineering student, and we do not click he will soon be making 6 figures, and I will still not be so I don’t want to yank my kids from financial stability. This other man is constantly on my mind!

  • loveness

    February 16th, 2015 at 11:51 AM

    Hey, so I’m checking in. ..totally gave up the emotional attachment that was developing for the other guy and inserted more energy and time into my marriage. And by devoting more time and mental energy into my marriage, guess what I finally admitted to myself… my marriage sucks!
    My husband is verbally and emotionally abusive, engages in body shaming, and nasty name calling. So, grew tired of the arguing and visited a lawyer. Now, all of a sudden, he wants us to go to counselling. Well I’m going but I still want to leave…
    I used to worry about what to do but worrying is useless. I know what to do. ..deep within me, I know and yet I’m in no rush to make a hasty decision. I’m giving myself time and also alerting family members. ..it’s not an easy process but I feel liberated just in truthfully sharing my feelings.

  • Rebecca

    February 16th, 2015 at 10:09 PM

    I don’t know what to do. I have alway been hopeful in the past when my husband has done things. We now have been together coming on 7 years . We have 2 daughters ….4 and 6.
    In the past he had huge anger problems. …he’d get so upset at simple things and then smash my phone so I couldn’t reach out.
    He’d threaten to harm himself if I left. He’d smash things …yell at me…guilt me into staying. So I did.
    Things got better…..for a while
    Then the same ….he’d get angry and threaten to harm himself.
    When he’d get upset with me and expect sex….I clearly wouldn’t want it!!!! If we didn’t have sex he would punish me…whether it be stealing from me…treating me bad….being grumpy towards the kids. ..
    Then that got better…..for a while…..
    Each time I work with him…support him…. the girls adore him.
    And this latest time… I find out he’s been lieing to me about cociane. …. I can’t stand it . I have asked him to leave
    He won’t
    He says he’ll get help…. he actually called a councilor and had an appointment today.
    After all he has done…… I don’t think I have any love left to give him

    Fo I stay under the same roof and put on a happy face for my kids.
    I am so ashamed that I have fell for his lies so many times…..
    What makes this any different


    February 18th, 2015 at 6:35 PM

    I want to leave my husband and kids for a man that is 54 I am 26! My husband and I do not get along anymore, I do not love him, I just want out! I feel so guilty I need advice please!

  • Mie31

    February 19th, 2015 at 4:16 PM

    Are u really sure u wana leave yo kids for a man twice yo age?? If u dont love yo husband anymo y dont u go wit yo kids? If u r not happy in yo marriage u cant force yoself but think of yo kids they come first in any decision u make. Good luck

  • Aquaman

    February 20th, 2015 at 12:10 AM

    Im 40 and my wife is 32. We have been together for 13 years and married 10. We have a 9 year old daughter and a 6 year old son. Like many we had a very strong foundation. We wouldn’t go to sleep without the other, sex almost daily, sometimes multiple times a day if it permitted. We have had our share of financial struggles like most people. I am a great husband and father who is sometimes overly attentive to their needs. But my wife tells me she hasn’t been happy in years. About 8 to be exact. We had some misunderstandings around the 5 year mark of us being together. We couldn’t read each other and she was very neglectful and cold to me. I found out she was having an affair with another guy. I’m not sure if it was an emotional or physical affair, but there was someone else she had interest in. I was angry, I was hurt so I slept with another female. She found out about that and we talked it out and worked it out and we came to terms that we were going to move forward with our relationship. We did counseling and slowly but surely, we were back on track. I have since gotten closer with God and consider myself a good Christian man with no desires to be with another woman. I continue to be outgoing and overly attentive to my wife. But, our relationship goes in cycles. There would be long periods of time where we are totally into each other and then she starts distancing herself from me again. Taking her ring off and telling me she doesn’t want to be married anymore. She withholds affection, words and physical from me. I believe my wife is depressed. When she gains a little weight, she attributes that to dealing with stress because of me. She says that I am not the husband she wants me to be. I always ask her what more does she want. It seems like no matter what I do, I just can’t do it good enough. I am a very affectionate man. I compliment, I give her gifts every now and again. We have date night from time to time, flowers every week. There’s more but let’s move on. She does for me as well. I don’t get the flowers but I think you all get the picture. The only thing that is a problem for us is money. We’re not poor but we do live paycheck to paycheck mostly. I work full time and I am trying to better myself financially so that that won’t be an issue in our marriage. My question is, what am I doing wrong? I love this woman to death. Just like the vows. I use the Bible for reference, to take care of our marriage. I think she thinks that the grass is greener somewhere else. She says she wants a divorce but given the last 7 years or so, there have been many times where I don’t think that’s true. I think she is confused. I however absolutely do not want a divorce. The past 5 months have been great up until about 3 weeks ago, where she is at it again with the uncertainties. She goes through these cycles of taking her ring off, cold shoulder and rudeness towards me. And she puts on this front like it doesn’t bother her. About 2 weeks ago she set up counseling for us and she pulled back saying she doesn’t think it will work. I’m totally lost as to what to do. My family is everything to me and I can’t imagine life without them. So I ask again, what is going on, what am I doing wrong? Am I dealing with a spoiled brat or am I just missing the game totally? I need some advice Pronto. This is getting ridiculous. We have our kids to think about. They come first. I do not want my kids without their father. And with my wife’s attitude, I don’t want my wife to later on down the road end up with someone whose going to abuse her. Keep in mind my wife is very controlling. She says she’d be better off by herself. I disagree. How do I let go? Do I let go? She is a good woman and great mother. I don’t want to lose that. We don’t argue about much but money. She is a little excessive in the stores but hey, it’s just her thing. Sound off if you have any advice for me. I need some help. Some guidance. I’m hurting.

  • Eva

    February 21st, 2015 at 1:01 AM

    Hi Aquaman,

    From what you wrote I believe your wife is an insecure woman and that she emotional abuses you.She might not even be aware of this but that’s exactly what she does.I say this because my husband was exactly the same.I say was because he did not stop his behaviour for the sake of becoming a better person.He stopped because it is not longer giving him the results he expects.I used to allow most of his abusive and insecure actions.Actually I was an active part of the whole cycle (being happy-argument/could shoulder-happy again).I was weak and thought I was not doing enough.It wasn’t until a friend pointed out to me that what he was doing was abusive that I started looking for information everywhere.I realised I was not a only a vicitim but a volunteer too.The emotional roller coaster was killing me so one thing I have learned to do is to just tell him that if he doesn’t talk to me and is not clear about the reason why he is giving me the cold shoulder I will assume he is just being rude and that I will ignore him and just go on with my daily routine.I then keep my self busy and do my best not to worry about him or his behaviour.I will get the chance to read a book or do one of my hobbies.Trust me when she behaves that way she is just externing her fears of you leaving her.She is just testing you and controlling you at the same time.Next time she threatens you with divorce you can just answer the following (with assertiveness and being polite): “Although I don’t share your feelings I do respect your decision.Now I have to go to work/cook/call a family member/do grocery shopping but I will be back in an hour/this evening so that we can discuss this further.”
    Make sure you are calm and not overreacting.If you do not always react to her threats she will eventually stop doing it.She will though look for something else,change her strategy,but as long as you show her ypu are in control of your own emotions amd show her love at the same time,she will have nothing to hold against you.And when discussing things with her never point fingers at her,just talk about you and the way you feel when she does certain things.Be prepared!One thing for sure ,I think divorce is the last thing she wants.As I said she is just insecure,nothing to do with you judging from all the things you do for her.
    Good luck to both of you and stay strong.Hope it all works out for you guys.

  • Aquaman

    February 23rd, 2015 at 5:06 AM

    Thank you Eva. Yes she is a big emotional abuser. Big time. She put her ring back on the other day for no apparent reason. I continue to do for her as I have been. Nothing is going to change because that is who I am. She is insecure and I try my hardest to make her feel otherwise. I’m always complementing her hair, the way her clothes fit, I tell her I love when she puts on a certain fragrance that she wears. You name it, I do it. Am I overdoing it. I can’t help it. I’m a very loving person. I don’t think she appreciates it. She gets easily annoyed over the smallest thing. She has high anxiety and low libido. I have a very high sex drive. She however does not. I cannot lose my family. My kids need me everyday. I hate to say it but she needs me everyday, so it seems. I don’t want her to walk because I care so much for her that I don’t want to see her possibly get mistreated by someone else down the line. And I am not having some other man in my kids life. No way, no how. I need her to admit that she has a problem, because she swears up and down, it’s all me. Constantly unsatisfied with anything. I just hope deep down inside, she knows how much she is loved by me.

  • Eva

    February 24th, 2015 at 8:53 AM

    I totally understand you.Been there done that.Although I did mot separate (not yet) I am no longer caring about him.I think I don’t even love him anymore.I gave so much of myself to him and without getting anything in return that emotionally I gave up.I even resent him at times.Now everything he does gets on my nerves.Make sure you never change who you are but also remember to always take care of yourself and not get so much into her drama.They rarely admit to have a problem and if you are not living then you have to accept the way she is and find healthy ways to deal with with and protect yourself.I wish you the same luck I wish myself.

  • Eva

    February 24th, 2015 at 8:56 AM

    And on another note I am sure she knows you love her that’s why she is not scared to behave the way she does.She knows very well you will never leave
    And deep inside she thinks she does not deserve your love as she is so insecure.Deep.down she thinks you are better than her.

  • Aquaman

    February 24th, 2015 at 9:39 AM

    Well said Eva, thank you.

  • Eva

    February 24th, 2015 at 1:03 PM

    Thank you too.Take care.

  • Two sides

    February 24th, 2015 at 11:54 AM

    What I am reading is your side, that you are perfect and she does all the wrong. Is that right? Please correct me if I am wrong, but all I read is how you feel and what is being done to you. To further that, your engaging in a conversation with a stranger, allowing them to predetermine or judge her without knowing both sides. To me, from what I have read and seen on this forum, is that you need to self reflect and quit thinking your a Godly man, as you are far from what you believe.

  • Aquaman

    February 25th, 2015 at 6:22 AM

    You don’t know me and I never mentioned that was perfect. Sounds like someone is a little bitter about something. Maybe that is what you want think I meant so you can justify your off the wall speech you just gave. My wife is a good woman and I love her to death. I have reflected and that’s why I found my way with the Lord or did you not read that part? It is possible that women abuse men right? And I am simply responding to the subject of this blog. So yes, I most definitely will talk about my feelings if that’s okay with you.

  • cati

    March 9th, 2015 at 12:09 PM

    I completely agree with you! Sounds to me like HE is the abuser.

  • sue

    March 10th, 2015 at 4:43 AM

    It is difficult to know that as sometimes the victims of abuse are or turn into someone similar to the abuser.I sti remember going to therapy with my then abusive husband,only to hear the psycjologist accusing me of being the controlling one.

  • SadWife

    February 26th, 2015 at 6:38 PM

    If you love her, let her go….

  • Aquaman

    March 1st, 2015 at 10:05 PM

    Easy to say but, we have 2 young kids to think about as well. They are a big part of this equation. Also, her actions don’t match her words.

  • jlk

    April 13th, 2015 at 1:50 AM

    I’ve walked in your shoes for the past thirty years and completely understand your current thought process. My wife has emotionally abandoned our relationship numerous times. I’ve also experienced the confusion of seeing he back off from me when we both connected in, what I felt, was as deep love. Emotionally connecting to me seems to touch insecurities within her that compels her to back off out of fear. My concern is she isn’t in touch with those fears at all.
    We are currently separated for over a year now so I’ve had time for self reflection which pushed me into therapy weekly. I certainly now see how my insecurities pushed her abandonment issues and now more understanding of her and realize the depth of my love for her. I do pray that she will see a therapist so she’ll find the inner peace she deserves. .

  • Confused

    February 21st, 2015 at 5:55 AM

    I have been with my partner ten years and we have two young kids together! I love my kids to the moon and back but my partner is really frustrating in my eyes we have always been complete opposites with personality and he wants completely different things to me. I feel he is a bit controlling on what I do and always has been, even tried to say if we ever split the kids will go to him and not me which will never happen as the kids are like my little shadows. He hardly plays with them and would rather sit and play on his I pad. We argue all the time and he always makes out it is me and I am all the problem! Once we do argue he will go to his bed and leave me with the kids which happens a lot! I am not attracted to him at all and don’t know how I have ended up like this. At the beginning I would get angry at him telling me not to talk to certain people and I kept telling myself I am going to leave him but i haven’t yet ! Now I am scared he will be difficult if I even brought this up … Feeling so stuck 👎

  • confused too

    February 23rd, 2015 at 7:33 AM

    I feel I could jave written your post I feel just the same!

  • Eva

    February 25th, 2015 at 1:32 AM

    Hi “two sides”

    I do agree with you when you say “acquaman” is not self reflecting.Maybe I went to quick when I shared my opinion.
    Indeed one of the things a person should do in a situation like this is to self reflect and stop concentrating only on what the partner is doing. I used to think of myself as the perfect wife and of my husband as the worse man on earth.It took me sometime to realise how controling I was.Yes,I was a nice and friendly person but not genuine.I would not say what I thought and would not think what I said.I needed someone to take control of everything yet I despised him for doing it.I hated to make big decisions and hated when he would make all decisions on his own.It is now that I am more in control of myself and changing my ways that I am starting to see some changes.Only problem is my feelings for him are not the same,because now I am trying to live more as a positive person and he is still stuck in that negative way of living.

    I realized that we both had issues.He likes to have control and I liked to be controled.And although I was not making him abusing him (he did cause he wanted to) I was for sure feeding the abuse.
    My answer to Acquaman was based on his post.I even started with : “from what you wrote…”
    One thing I forgot to add is that she might have a problem but for sure he also does.It takes two to Tango.
    On the other side “two sides” almost al the posts here are one side of the story and we will never get to hear the other side.So we reply based on what the person wrote and not based on what we think the partner did or say.
    Having said that I am a strongly belive that people in abusive relationship whould stop pointing so much the finger at their partners and more at themselves.If not to ask yourself why you are settling for so little.And also because the only person we can control is ourselves.

  • unhappy too

    February 26th, 2015 at 6:31 AM

    I too am in a similar position as the original leave it or not. I have been married to my husband for 14 years. He is 11 years older. We have two children. I was never in love with him but always appreciated him as a person – a man who loved me and who has integrity. He also has a very good job. Before we used to get along, discuss etc. Sex was never great and I never had a big emotional attachment to him – not even after sex. But we used to enjoy each other’s company. Now our lives have changed – he has a lot of pressure at work and i cannot stand his work or his problems. i have become more health conscious and go to the gym everyday whereas he is a bit chubby and doesn’t care much about his body. I don’t find him attractive and I’m unhappy. I feel time is passing me by. I see younger men looking at me and I wonder what if. I never did anything though. It’s so difficult because on the one hand there is really nothing to complain about in the sense that he hasn’t been unfaithful etc but at the same time I am so unhappy. He complains we don’t have sex anymore. I cannot bring myself to have sex with him anymore. I’m just not there. What’s wrong with me? i really feel unhappy and guilty

  • luvcashews

    April 18th, 2015 at 8:54 PM

    The problem is you married not being in love from the get go. Not to say you cant still fall in love with him. If hes a good man try. Looks isnt all. Dont be so shallow. My husbands gorgeous and is a hard worker, but he’s moody, grumpy, a yeller, I mean totally immature. A real jerk. I give u a week with my husband and you will run back to yours.Lmao

  • Melancholy

    February 27th, 2015 at 7:29 AM

    I’m embarrassed to say how long I’ve been married because it hasn’t been long. I don’t think I want a divorce. I grew up in a family that’s against it so therefore Its safe to say I don’t believe in divorce. I have a 1 yr old daughter and she’s the most precious thing to me. My husband and I are going through a rough patch right now. I’m going to be honest and say I haven’t been quite the friendliest person and a good wife to him. Everytime I see him, I feel unhappy or upset for no reason. Almost annoyed at just the sight of him. When he jokes I take it personally and he likes to throw it in my face how I used to be so cool and now I’m just a downright bitch. He’s right… But I feel some of that isn’t my fault either. I feel some resentment toward him. He’s older than I am, so he feels he has this knowledge and more experience than I have and is always trying to educate me because I’m young and don’t know any better. He’s been married before and has kids from his ex. I may add that I am educated and have a masters degree. So you can imagine the fight I put up because of it. He can be pushy and aggressive toward me. The worst thing I hate about him is how rough and aggressive he is toward our pets. I’ve seen him kick my dog, grab her from the neck and throw her down to the floor when she does something wrong and comes inside like nothing happened. When I question him about it, he denies and just says I over exaggerate. It’s these little things that push me more and more away. I have this one memory of when I was 5 mos pregnant that I can’t shake from my head. He threatens he would take my daughter away if I left him. And this is the reason I probably would never leave him because that scares me so much, is to be without my daughter. And I know he would make life a living hell for me if I left. He threathens he has a good lawyer. We don’t have sex anymore. He used to try. He says he can wait until I get the urge to. He says he is understanding that I don’t want sex anymore. What he doesn’t know is that I crave intimacy which has been gone for awhile now. He thinks I’m a cheater. He says he doesn’t think that but I know he does. When I work long hours and come home late, he’ll corner me and look me in the eye to see if I’m telling the truth. I couldn’t lie even if I wanted to. According to him he knows when I’m lying. He’ll smell me. He looks through my phone everyday even through my conversations with my sister or friends and will question me about it if it has anything to do with him. I feel I have no say, no freedom, no privacy, no nothing anymore. I’m unhappy. Do I want another man, nope. I just want to be free again. I feel anxiety the moment I walk in the door. How can I want to have sex with this man when I feel this way? Feeling lost and overwhelmed with emotion. If no one replies, it’s ok, it was nice to vent. Thanks

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    February 27th, 2015 at 9:08 AM

    Thank you for your comment, Melancholy. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about domestic violence at https://www.goodtherapy.org/therapy-for-domestic-violence.html and additional information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • jeremy

    March 1st, 2015 at 6:30 AM

    I’m on the opposite side we got preagnant by accident i waited a year before asking the question. my wife honestly is the best thing to ever happen to my life outside our three beautiful children i love my wife with all my heart. but ive always had a emotionally challenged personality rough if you will very sarcastic to a fault. I work in construction

  • survivor

    March 6th, 2015 at 5:28 AM

    Get out now! Sex is not your problem, living in fear is! I know because I still live in fear of my ex husband, but I had to leave. He threatened to take my daughter and my life if I ever left. He always thought I was cheating just because he’s insecure. He verbally assaulted me until I basically lived under house arrest for fear of what he would say or do if I went anywhere besides work. Then one day I looked at my daughter while she slept and realized that I had to do everything in my power to protect her. I had to protect my daughter from growing up believing that men are angry, suspicious creatures who use fear to keep relationships going. I also need her to grow up knowing that she is powerful and smart. How could she ever see herself as powerful or smart if she’s raised in a loveless home of fear and her mother is a cowering dog in the relationship?
    As I said, I still live in fear of him and he tried to get custody and have me thrown in jail all over lies. I lost $105,000 from the divorce (lawyers and settlements) and I make around $20,000 a year. I left him 8 years ago, and I’m still not out of debt. He got everything EXCEPT my daughter. I can in clear conscious say that I will continue to live in fear until I see his name in the obituaries, but I would go through that living hell time and time again to protect my daughter. SEX IS NOT YOUR ISSUE!!!! Talk to a couple bulldog lawyers in your area and interview with them about the whole situation and ask how to protect your daughter. You don’t need to hire anyone or tell him your doing this. It’s for your daughter. You will need an army of information to use as self defense in the war you will be starting, but I think it’s a war worth fighting if the reward is freedom for your daughter. Talk to the fronds you tryou., if he let you keep any of them, and get their thoughts and support. Please write back to me with any response, I’m very worried for you and your girl. Hopefully he doesn’t read this and use it as an excuse to “punish” you

  • melancholy

    March 6th, 2015 at 3:28 PM

    thanks for your input. It sounds like you already went to hell and back. And I’m sorry you had to go through that. I know sex isn’t the issue… obviously there are other deep rooted problems. I refuse to leave him for the fear of losing my daughter. He knows a lot about the law, especially because he’s been divorced before. I’m starting to see why now… and so he uses that to threaten me as well. He’s a great father… i can’t say he’s a good husband. I’m not allowed to have guy friends. I have friends that I talk to through another means of communication. I’m doing my research little at a time. Thank you for your support. It’s nice to know there’s someone else who went through the same thing. God bless.

  • mindy

    March 7th, 2015 at 10:26 PM

    I’m unhappy in my 14 year marriage as well. However, I’m afraid you and your child are in an abusive situation. If he lashes out on animals, do you want to wait for it to happen to you or your child? He is controlling you. He can not “take* your child away from you. Document the controlling, cruel things he does and bring that to a lawyer. Good luck. Get out, don’t live like that. You don’t want your child to think any of that is ok or normal.

  • Melancholy

    March 9th, 2015 at 4:16 PM

    I have thought about everything you mentioned. I know he can lash out to me. It’s already happened, when I was pregnant. He never did it again. I currently am writing down everything. It’s in the works right now. One day, I know I’ll be brave enough to leave. I just feel that maybe he’d have an advantage over me if we were to divorce. Afterall, I have never owned my own home. I could definitely afford one by myself. I wonder about everything. But as i mentioned before I’m slowing doing my research about all this and divorce law in my state. Thanks for your input. God bless

  • Slputty

    March 20th, 2015 at 8:28 PM

    Run!!!! Your husband is a emotional abuser. That is me this is what I did for years to my wife. Until I drove her into a Affair. 18 yrs of marriage and I’m a firemen so I was a stay at home dad but I’m in therapy!!! Will she take me back I dont know but I want blame her if she didn’t…I was mean to our dogs also. I have cried Sooooo many tears for the pain I have caused but I needed help!!!! And that’s what I’m gitting.

  • luvcashews

    April 18th, 2015 at 8:47 PM

    Oh hell no. He sounds like an abbusive jerk. If you’re not in love with him anymore and are just with him out of fear. I say RUN but if you love him suggest couples therapy. You bitching is due to hormones. He needs be patient with you. Also, talk to your doctor sweety.

  • Lost Joy

    February 28th, 2015 at 9:55 AM

    I have been married for 17 years, have two awesome kids and only got married because I got pregnant. My mother did want me to have a child out of wedlock hence my misery for 17 years. I was even hesitant to go out with him on a date, but did so out of pity. Big mistake! We were friends and after that and he made me laugh. We weren’t even sexually involved until 6 months into our friendship. He always was in love with me, but I only saw him as a fly by friend that I wouldn’t keep in touch with. We’ve never cheated on each other , but he has always lied about money and his addictions. I separated for 2 years and we got counseling off and on through out our marriage. However, he is verbally abusive at times and to make a long story shot( I am cutting out a big chunk) I feel I am wasting my life away next to a man that I never loved in the first place. I only stayed with him because I felt I didn’t want my kids to be from house to house. I wanted to have my kids with me all times. Now that my kids are getting older high school aged, I am seriously contemplating divorce. My Christianity causes me great condemnation to divorce ( I became a Christian after three years of marriage) and pity for him since he is health wise not well. I don’t want to waste my life away like this!

  • China

    March 28th, 2015 at 5:50 AM

    I feel your pain I finally came clean to my husband and told him I am not in love him anymore. I feel horrible and I want a divorce I am younger than he is. I feel trapped and alone with no one to talk to about this matter. I come from a christian background which condemns divorce. I often wonder why did I get married? If I could go back I would have never done.it.

  • Lost

    March 6th, 2015 at 5:12 PM

    Hi..I can relate to just about everything on here…I’ve been married for 43 yrs and I feel so confused and trapped…For a very long time I have felt no desire for my husband..When we first met a very long time ago, things were electric between us…But life and nature takes its toll and to be quite frank, I find him very unexciting a bore now…It’s hard work for me to have sex with him now..He very rarely speaks to me ( until he wants sex) and makes me feel worthless…He’s 64 now and got health issues, I feel like I’ve got years of life left and he’s making me feel down and depressed…I think I still love him, but I’m not in love with him….I feel so trapped and confused, I don’t know what to do…We’ve had a great life, but now, I’m just not happy anymore…The frustration is driving me crazy…I don’t know what to do with myself…I’ve got a voice in my head that keeps saying…’You need to be on your own now’…I’m getting more anxious every day….What to do?

  • Daughter

    March 7th, 2015 at 10:25 PM

    I’ve read most these post.. so ig I will put my story out there too maybe it will be for a reason. I’m 18 single as of now glad to be so.going to college in the fall and escaping and I wish with all my heart my mom could escape and be happy again. My mom who is 56 I love with all I am almost like I love God but she has given everything for the men in her life which she always says she’d never do if she could go back but then she’d never have me and everything would be different. totally falling in love with her first guy waited 12 years loyally for him in prison drug n theft issues he decided he didn’t want to get married had my half brother n all the emotional drug issue pain she had to deal with she would still never leave him but God told her she had to let go I can’t remember exactly what happened but it gave her complete peace and freedom n she walked away from it (eventually he died not to long ago in prison she still thinks about him) buuut then she meet my dad he was great at first they had me my twin n my little brother if you only knew the stories I’ve heard n everything but he was lazy never supported her she had to trade my half brother(ho also is in prison at the moment) to my grandparents for diapers but that was years before I ever was. Anyway he came back in my life when I was 7 years old and it changed me forever He was verbally abusive to me for years I was only a kid n never understood his sick insulting jokes I was mad depressed always got in cuss fights he taught Me to cuss I isolated myself and the suicidal depression deepened for 4 years after (until I found God) then my twin brother started abusing me physically mentally emotionally I lived in fear everyday still sometimes do I turned 14 and started to listen to God n overcome these barriers inside myself not in my life yet. .my dad died couple years ago he started getting nicer but he lived with his mom sometimes visited us..but now my poor mom has her son my twin treating her bad almost ever day me too. he steals her medicine money anything really doesn’t pay anything but his name is still supposedly on the house lease contract. I want to get her away from it all she has had a seizure horrible health problems shes soo unhappy even tells me sometimes. I know I’m still young and inexperienced and all but maybe this will help whoever reads I think. From all I know and have experienced only God’s love is perfect and fulfilling. A man that fights with you through the fire and you with him will no doubt still be standing there when the smoke clears and then your love can fight through anything it is patient in the Times of loneliness and that loss of spark and telling them how you feel if unhappy is the right thing unless they argue accuseand get angry. Have to ask what makes the other happy and both do it for each other but if he refuses or won’t fight for or with you or is abusive in anyway my advice is to walk away or there will never be a moment that smoke clears its possible for one to change tho it’s not easy my brother never has and I don’t think he ever will I feel sorry for his blind girlfriend and the cycle will repeat with him He has fallen away with evil in his words and actions I’ve tried many times to help him but I know I never want to live with him or anyone like him I never want to deal with because they will get nice for awhile and then back to deceiving lying accusing yelling abusing I love him with all my heart even after he’s done but I also have to love myself. Even after a traumatic God miracle accident he survived still went back to his old self and it’s in cycles he’s like my dad but way worse .I shouldnt have to deal with this I don’t have to I can walk away.. You can walk away if that’s what the situation calls for

  • Lisa

    March 8th, 2015 at 8:20 PM

    Ive been married 30 years and feel the exact same way. I don’t hate him, but his company makes me sad, despondent and depressed. Hes a downer…a very negative person and I feel like his bad attitude kills not only my joy but creativity too…and that’s what I do for a living…I need to be able to reach the creativity. Its quite tragic to think that after 30 years…there is no love any longer…it just went poof! We are downsizing…and then deciding if he will get a separate apartment. We will separate and decide if this marriage can be saved. That’s my solution.

  • luvcashews

    April 18th, 2015 at 8:36 PM

    Has he always been that way. If not, maybe he’s depressed. My husbands the same way. I think mine is bipolar?…
    Regardless of whatever it is. Grown people need to take responsibility for their behavior. They turn others off and zap their energy. Turn off… yuk

  • Cattop

    March 6th, 2015 at 6:20 PM

    sexymom. leave now before the kids “know any better”, but know that raising kids on your own sucks!!! I am the total opposite of my husband. I didn’t think I was when I married him because I was a bit rebellious. I was brought up in a higher-middle class and he the projects (low income). I have been in the same situation for a long long time. He got fat and unhealthy but I stayed in for the kids. He stopped drinking and did become a great, I mean a really really good father. He got back into the church and instilled that in his kids. Which, no thanks to me, in their older ages, is a reason my kids ended up doing well (I was really good when they were younger). But, still I never, and I really mean never (have done a lot of subject matter deep thinking) had that “love connection” with him. It is now that my last child is in college, that I am going to leave him. I just have 1 yr or less to make sure my educationally questionable son has his act together (so far better then expected). So, long of the short of it is, if your husband is disgusting to you now wait until he is age appropriately fat(for men only, of course). I suppose you can’t just base it on looks but if you don’t have the “other” attractions looks mean a lot.If there is a connection grow it. Really good book (for everyone)…. Too good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay by Mira Kirshenbaum.

  • dorcasisland

    March 7th, 2015 at 11:36 AM

    I am in a similar yet opposite situation my wife of seven years and in a relationship of 16 is leaving me. I love her so much. Her reasons are I kinda took a co-pilot in our relationship when my mother and little brother passed away. I with drew shut down drank to hide the pain and dull myself. Was a good father and provider for the family. Not the ideal husband. I get it now. Fear it’s to late. Haven’t drinkin in six months. My wife is oblivious of the long term affects this will have on our kids and me. We both grew up in broken homes scared our kids will repeat our mistakes. They are my life

  • daisy102

    March 12th, 2015 at 7:13 AM

    Hi all. Stumbled across this blog and thought I would respond, as I’ve found all of your posts so comforting. I too am considering leaving my husband of 15 years. I am just not in love with him anymore. It’s so hard to explain. He’s a good person and a great dad. We’ve had sex a handful of times over the past several years, and every time, I’ve had to talk myself into it. I am not attracted to him at all, and everything about him physically just disgusts me. I don’t know if I was ever attracted to him honestly. Our relationship has always been a strong friendship. We get along fine. We’ve had some fights over the years with finances (he doesn’t like to spend and while I”m not irresponsible, I believe in living your life while you’re here). Several years ago, he lost his job and has been working from home as a consultant for the past three. It has been very difficult for me having him around all the time!! While I do work outside of the home, when I come home, I feel so suffocated.
    We have two children–ages 10 and 13–and what worries me the most is upsetting the family unit. I think financially, it would be difficult for me, but I could do it. I have lots of support I can lean on–three best friends who have been so supportive of me through all of this, and my close family I know will be supportive and there for me.
    I’ve expressed my feelings to my husband a few months ago, and he was was devastated. While he knew we had issues, he did not think I would ever consider leaving our marriage. I hate to see him hurt, but I keep thinking about how I deserve so much more. Since our initial talk, he has been trying to make up for lost time. He dotes on me, showering me with affection (suffocating me and making it worse really), leaves me letters that tell him how much he loves me, etc. He doesn’t understand that it’s just too late. Emotionally, he has lost me. I am 41 years old, and I have so much love to give. The bottom line is that I don’t want to be married anymore to this person.
    I feel guilty though bc I know that many other women have stuck it out in worse situations than this. I also don’t want my kids to see me as the “bad guy.” At the same time though, I don’t want my kids to think that it’s okay to stay in a loveless marriage. I am so torn. Advice would be appreciated.

  • Gloria

    March 14th, 2015 at 1:22 PM

    Hello. Reading this it almost made me cry but only because I feel the same way but it does hurt to see them hurt cuz at one point we did love them cuz we married them. So did u get divorce??


    March 12th, 2015 at 10:36 AM

    Daisy102 – My situation is so close to yours it is almost weird. My comment is #105 left a few months ago. Today I am living alone with my two kids (10 & 13). I was in the same situation, I told him I was going to leave and he started doing things thinking it would make me stay but like you, I was done long before I mentioned anything to him. Not attracted to him and such and such. I came across a couple of sayings that helped me make my decision: “DON’T EVER FEEL BAD FOR MAKING A DECISION ABOUT YOUR OWN LIFE THAT UPSETS OTHER PEOPLE. YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR HAPPINESS. YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR OWN HAPPINESS. ANYONE WHO WANTS YOU TO LIVE IN MISERY FOR THEIR HAPPINESS SHOULD NOT BE IN YOUR LIFE TO BEGIN WITH.” Then, here is the other one: “GROWTH IS PAINFUL, CHANGE IS PAINFUL, BUT NOTHING IS AS PAINFUL AS STAYING SOMEWHERE YOU DON’T BELONG”. I am not saying you should leave him, I am saying look within yourself and make a decision that will make you happy. If you are done then you are not doing him or yourself any favors. I have not been happy for about 4 or 5 years and I am slowly getting back to my normal self since I have been on my own. Your kids will understand, they will want their mom happy. It will take a few months for them to adjust to the change but I had the same idea of that, I don’t want my children to think that this is what love or a relationship is supposed to be like. I hope this helps and good luck in whatever you decide to do.

  • daisy102

    March 12th, 2015 at 5:38 PM

    Yevonne: Thank you so much for your response. It is so comforting to find others like you who are in my situation. I feel like every day I am gaining more courage to do what I need to do. Tonight my son, the 10 yo, said something about me “not hugging daddy when he leaves the house”. Obviously, my kids are picking up on things I hadn’t realized they were. And you are right, I don’t want them to think that this is what a relationship is supposed to be like. How did your husband handle it when you decided you wanted out? How did you tell the kids? I worry so much about them blaming me.


    March 13th, 2015 at 7:21 AM

    Daisy102: Your kids are at the age that they do realize more then you think. I know my kids understood what was going on and told me that they just wanted me to be happy. I seemed like such a grouch around them all the time when their dad was around. My daughter, my 10 year old, is taking it a little harder because she misses her daddy. See, he took a job that is 4 or 5 states away from us so it is literally just me and the kids.
    Once your kids see the change in you then they will understand more. There is a chance they will be upset and they might blame you in the beginning but they will eventually understand. As long as you are devoting your time to the kids and making sure they understand how much both of their parents love them it will kinda lessen the blow. Just don’t say bad things about their dad to them that will not help.
    We sat down with our kids together and explained what was going on, so he didn’t feel like I was bashing him. My husband was not happy when I told him but that was to be expected. I have tried to leave him before but he promised he would change but it never did. He of course went through all the emotions associated with something like that, he was sad and upset, then he got mad and defensive where he would lash out at me. Not hitting, he never hit me. He was just making my life miserable until we moved out.

    You are going to feel guilty for a little bit because your husband will be upset and you will feel very responsible but always revisit the memories of why you are unhappy and remember if he didn’t change now he wont ever change. Mine tried sometimes but always went back to the same thing. If you have tried talking to him and exhausted everything to change your own mind then when you are done, you are done. It will be hard to try and work it out.
    You might also think about visiting a family counselor that will help with your children as well. My kids witnessed our arguments and their dad not being directly involved with them so I think that made them understand more.
    I am not pushing you to leave him, I just know how I felt in the same situation. Everything he does is going to be wrong to you and he is going to annoy you. So you have to make a decision based on what is best for you and your happiness.

  • Gloria

    March 14th, 2015 at 1:12 PM

    Hello there. I only been married 2years now. I care for my husband but I don’t love him anymore. I can’t explane the reason why I don’t love him anymore but he is a great father with our son and a great man. But I am not happy with him I don’t feel like I can be myself around him cuz he judges everything I do. But I think it best if I tell him so we can both be happy. But I don’t know how tell him. It feels selfish of me to do it cuz he loves me.

  • luvcashews

    April 18th, 2015 at 8:22 PM

    Gloria. Its not you its him. I’ve been married for 2 yrs experiencing the same nonsense. I feel that people with inner unresolved issues try to manipulate & control others.

  • Mmleo

    March 15th, 2015 at 11:01 PM

    Hello there.I am so glad I found this thread.They all sounds so familiar.I had to cross check some of your names and make sure I didn’t write them and forgot.The only difference with most of your husbands is they are good fathers.My husband of 5yrs bn tgether for 7..is not a good father.We got pregnant by accident and that’s why/how we got married.Mistake no 1.Anything he will do with the kids(carry,play)is mostly to show to the outside world that he is a father.The rest is send them to bed so they get out of his way so he can drink and watch lots of TV.He is verbally and emotionally abusive,always been.I have come to believe that he is punishing me for something.He called me a baby making machine when I was 7months pregnant with our 2nd baby!I want out soooo bad but I would never dream leaving my kids with him.The rest of the abuse I can’t take,one thing I can’t is he wants to have all our verbal fights in kids presence(5 and 18months).He know that’s the only way to get my any reaction out of me.I dislike everything about him n I mean everything!If I dint have kids I would not even make him dinner!I don’t know what my rights are especially with the kids.i am 37 yrs old,I am determined to be free by 40.. God willing.
    I thank you so much for sharing ur life stories,it is a relief to know I am not alone.An I have told him more than once I don’t want to be married to him anymore but this time,when I say it I will have a lawyer present.

  • careful

    March 15th, 2015 at 11:12 PM

    I just want to see what others think. I have been married for 22 yrs and one day out of the blue my husband said he doesn’t love me anymore. I was shocked but we were in a fight,so kinda related it to that. found out he has been texting and calling an employee of his all the time when he used to call and text me. I gave him some freedom for a few weeks to think and he now leaves early in the am and doesn’t come home until after midnight seven days a week. We have 3 children, says he cares about them but is never here. I hurt so much.. I asked him if he wanted to separate or divorce,he stated divorce so I filed now he tells me I sent him a blow. I have to take care of the kids and pay most the bills so he can buy this girl lunches. He says he is just friends.. I don’t see just a friendship but am I being unreasonabl? He locked me out of the credit card and our joint bank acct. I was banned off the phone bill so I can’t see how much he calls or texts this girl which is 12 yrs younger than him. She is engaged to be married and her and her fiancee are drunks from what my husband said when he first started working with her. Plz give me some advice..

  • BZ

    March 17th, 2015 at 4:26 AM


    I found this post while googling my marital problems (to see if I’m the only one) well come to find out, I’m not the only one with the big D word hover over her head. So here is my story: I have been married for a little over a 1.5 years and been together for almost 9 years. My husband is a super nice and loving (in his own way) man, but he is also so impatient, angry and just gets mad on a drop of a hat and never let’s go of an issue. It’s hardly towards me, but affects the mood of the house. We also don’t really agree or see eye to eye on many things and we have been fighting a lot more, pretty much daily! Partly, it’s because I have had it with his immaturity and tantrums, so I’m now vocalizing my thoughts which I didn’t before. I used to give him his space to be pissed off or at least I was caring towards him! I’m just tired now and I know 9 years is nearly not long enough to given up, but I’m very close! Someone please give me guidance! I’m a Christian and I have been praying about this. I also believe God put people on earth so we can help each other!

    Thank you in advance for any advice!

  • Leejar977

    March 19th, 2015 at 2:43 AM

    Wow!!! I thought I wrote this in my sleep!!! I know exactly how you feel! Can I ask is your husband a Christian?? I feel very relieved that I’m not the only one who is not happy with her marriage.. I’m so tired of being the one in the house who keeps the peace all the time!

  • BZ

    March 21st, 2015 at 5:39 AM

    Hi I’m sorry to hear you are not happy. I will tell you this, if he is worth it and the marriage, you should give it a chance. I personally think my husband is just immature but he was worse when we met. He has gotten 10 times better. So don’t quit yet, see a therapist for yourself and as a couple (I’m thinking about it myself).

    He became a Christian after we met before he was a “Christian” that has never opened the bible. He really is a very super thoughtful, good Christian. That actually has helped us and I wouldn’t want to imagine how our fights could escalate if he wasn’t.

    I will be honest, I came back this morning to say I wrote my first post out of pure frustration and things are better now. The main problem is when we fight it gets ugly and he doesn’t let go of the problem!

    Anyway, for now things are great and I sound insane and wishy washy, but I love him and I can’t imagine my life with out him. I knew his issues before I married him and he is aware of them and does try (I don’t think enough). So for now things are good and if they cont, we will be visiting a therapist for a chat!

  • imwithu

    March 23rd, 2015 at 11:39 AM

    I am a Christian wife and mother…My husband trys..i so frustrated with him, he has always had a short fuse and very immature.Ive also been the peacemaker in our marriage for 25 years I’m done…im trying to contain my my emotions toward him be Godly in holding my tongue, he’s tearing me up with his words mostly towards others..We just finished couseling for 4 months because he didn’t love ME anymore..He was angry because I didn’t want sex ever other day. I was angry at what he would say to me to hurt me so so at counsel he was put in his place, him even owning up to his anger but says to me it’s me if you don’t like it leave.. why can he do more about it..i pray about it ofen. I dont get why he has to go on and on about issues then gets mad when I’m done hearing for 2-3 weeks months about the same issue…I feel emotionally beat up! When he’s angry he doesn’t care what he says or how it hurts I’m to forgive and move on..I finding myself not able to do that anymore..im 56 now I seek peace kindness happiness…should I stay or should I go?

  • luvcashews

    April 18th, 2015 at 8:13 PM

    Same here. Christian woman trying to live right by God and hubby. I’m miserable though. He’s easily angered, wants sex every other day very controlling and fault finding. I tell him that I appreciate him being a hard worker/provider, but I’m unhappy. I work outside and round the house 24/7, and yet, I don’t believe thats all it takes to keep a mate happy. Common!

  • Mati

    March 22nd, 2015 at 8:42 PM

    Dear friend,i have been married for 14 years and also going thru the same i think your are better off then me,my husband ,thinks i have an affair with everyman i talk to,if my phone rings is jus one of my many boyfirnds,he controls me to the extent i dont go to church anymore,im isolated from ma family,i went for an interview and got a job when they called me to sign my contract they used my first name he shouted at me for that the whole day .YOu are not alone

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    March 23rd, 2015 at 9:43 AM

    Thank you for your comment, Mati. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • sonya

    March 25th, 2015 at 4:54 AM

    Wow all this time I thought it was just me. 13 years he still thinks I’m cheating but my grandmother told me once before any man who accuses you is doing it himself. ….I am so tired of trying to make everyone happy just to always be sad myself.my plans are to leave just getting my ducks in a row and saving up so me and my 4 children have some leverage…..I feel that we should be happy not always sad in our lives why stay? We can do bad on our on ladies…..

  • dmereh

    March 17th, 2015 at 8:40 AM

    Is it possible that your husband might have Asperger’s Disease? Or, even Fragile X Syndrome? It’s worth checking into it.

  • BZ

    March 17th, 2015 at 12:52 PM

    Genetically speaking he is pretty healthy just very immature emotionally! I just don’t know what to do!

  • BZ

    March 17th, 2015 at 5:12 PM

    I might have replied to the wrong thread. I’m new to this. Sorry.

  • Lisa34

    March 22nd, 2015 at 5:23 AM

    I’m new to this, I have been married for 6 years only knew him 14 months I am not attracted to him as all he does is moan on a daily basis, I have 4 children 2 of them are his and 2 are his step, he does not want my children to see their father as he cannot stand him and all he does is complain about my ex having brain damage due to a football attack( mind you my ex was an a****** also, however he is still their father) I am a student nurse at the moment who is also working 12hour shifts, this man makes out he is the best husband but does not work as he has take. Arthritis in his knee he has became lazy and I feel I am getting nothing out this marriage
    He argues with everyone he meets almost and it gets me down he thinks he is always right and is very opinionated and never wrong, I feel I can’t leave just now as I need to finish my nursing degree .

  • su

    March 22nd, 2015 at 10:10 AM

    Think we may be married to the same person.. I know this isnt funny as im crying as I type. Stupud huh? Have 5 kids myself and just want me and them to be happy. Seems impossible lol xx

  • donna

    March 18th, 2015 at 6:56 AM

    I am so glad i found these blogs.
    I have been married for 6 years and when we had been married for 17 months he walked out on me (and my 2 boys from a previous relationship). I was very sad BUT not at him leaving at failing at marriage after 17 months I thought I was marrying for life. We separated and after 4 days he started to mither me and beg to cum back i was adamant. Then This one night he spent 6 hours on the phone to me begging to cum back I finally agreed.!

    But the next day I had a Realy long message left on my phone telling me he had made a mistake and shouldn’t of said he was cuming back and that was that.
    3 months later I had a one night stand and when he found out he went balistic and was so angry he said no one was sleeping with his wife and said he was moving back in and that was the end of it.

    Since he mmoved back in I have just hated it I feel trapped I don’t love him iam not in love with him I hate him cuming home from work. I can’t wait to get to work.
    I have told him I want a divorce I want him gone and his response is (I love you I don’t want us to split up in the most monotone boring voice) he doesn’t show me or fight for the relationship in ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM. I am at the point were it’s turning into hate.

    The worst thing is he can be a lovely man. He’s just not the boy for me I need a man to stand up for what he wants.
    I don’t think he believes me when I tell him he has even said …are you testing me to see what I say.


  • E

    March 23rd, 2015 at 3:39 PM

    Hi, I’m hoping someone can help me, yes it’s about my husband, we’ve been married for just under a year been together for 5, he’s a hard worker works during the week and does security on friday and saturday nights. Lately he’s gotten to know and become friends with this female that is always at the pub he works at, and they’ve gotten pretty close, close enough for her to invite him to her house last week he said he was only there for a short time and he said he was with another guy from the pub but I think he’s up to something, but he promises he’s done nothing wrong.I told him he’s not aloud to go to her house or message her. I have no problem with him making friends where he works but for him to go to someone’s house and say it was nothing?? Please someone tell me I’m not overreacting. I can’t get this out of my head!! Thanks

  • mandy

    March 28th, 2015 at 6:33 PM

    Hi dear.. I don’t think you are overreacting. I would do the same thing if my husband goes out for dinner at his female friends house. Keep an close eye without telling him how you feel. One more thing keep in mind …now he tells you everything but if you keep overeating he would start hiding things. So be careful. I hope this helped.

  • tom54

    March 27th, 2015 at 7:56 PM

    Hello everyone. This is so tough for me to even type out. Ive been married for 5 years, together for 7, and have 2 kids which I love so dearly. I fell out of love with my wife a couple years ago. Im not excited to see my wife when I get home from work anymore. Im checked out of the relationship and it feels like we’re roommates. Shes still very nice to me but I think she senses I’m just not happy. Bringing up this topic is gonna be tough and I want out. Any advice with how to bring this up to her?

  • nicole2266

    March 28th, 2015 at 9:03 PM

    Wow, all your details are exactly like mine. When you figure out what to do let me know.

  • Jeff

    April 4th, 2015 at 1:07 PM

    Your situation is similar to mine except for a few other details. I have felt the way you do about my wife for several years now, I am gone 4-5 days a week on my job and I don’t miss her, when I am off for 2 days at home I’m happier when she goes to bed so I can stay up by myself. I don’t have desire to be with her intimately at all, we rarely even kiss except for goodnight or when I leave for work. Now the most interesting part, 2 months ago a long lost girlfriend that I was very serious with 25 years ago contacted me on facebook and we fell back in love with each other and I cheated on my wife. Then 2 days ago I decided to end my marriage and told my wife that I don’t love her anymore and she was devastated. Now, I feel sad that I hurt my wife so bad but, still the feelings for her haven’t changed but, I do care about her a lot and it’s really bothering me if she’s going to be ok. When I think of the good times I had with her it makes me sad too. I wonder if it’s normal to grieve over this when I’m the one that ended it. I’m confused

  • The road to hell is paved with good intentions

    July 26th, 2015 at 7:42 PM

    Maybe you are having a midlife crisis?

  • mark

    March 30th, 2015 at 12:19 AM

    Ive skimmed over all the messages here and thought by myself why? Theres so much pain and anger and negativity in relationships these days. Has it always been like that? Is it lust or adventurism or just plain envy to be like the next person who seems happier?

    My grandparents and those before them all used to stick together no matter what. These days its all about the Me Myself and I. No one cares to truely commit these days it seems…..and kids are the ones suffering. For a child everything good and exiting is like ten times more intense than for an adult, but the same goes for pain and hurting.
    As you get older and life gets harder, your feelings gets numben down as you are shutting off to the harsh world outside. Thats why people are getting worse….its a repettitive cycle.
    As an aduld with all your ‘intense’ feelings, may it be lust or whatever..the usuals….you cannot place yourself above your kids and their emotional security. You are responsible for what your child becomes. So act like it.

    Since when do mothers place their lovers or whoever before their own kids happiness? I mean all that lust and exitement that you experience with your brand new partner….while you enjoy that your children are suffering to the same degree as your “joy”. Oh jolly me!

    Buckle up and be there for your kids! You made that little human being. How can you not place him or her first in your life? Impossible!

  • sillygirl

    April 13th, 2015 at 3:02 PM

    Hi Mark

    Well said.

    All of this is so intense. And I have to agree my marriage isn’t looking as picture perfect either. But in all honesty I have to say in a bad marriage it’s usually both partner’s fault for leaving a relationship to reach such a bad state. The question is when is enough really enough? When does a person really stop loving their partner? And who else gets crushed and hurt with our bad behaviour?The most beautiful saying I have heard is: Life is all the messy bits. I am for sure not perfect and no one else in this world is either, so it can’t be expected in relationships. Life has too many choices at this stage. If both partners works hard enough, daily in a relationship it just has to work. Yes I can complain a he’ll of alot, but when last have I said I love you to my partner or winked at him or dressed up sexy just for him or grabed his ass or just even kissed or held him, etc. That is called selfish, just because I do not want to be the first to be kind. Definitely Pride, the root of all evil. The more we get the less we appreciate. Partners are usually both equally guilty of that. Nothing in life is easily gained. How can we eventually dislike everything of our partners that we use to love so much in the first place. If we want to better anything in life, surely each person has to start with ourselves. I am personally so sick and tyred of feeling and acting the way I do, and who is to blame? My partner? No me. I made sure that I became unhappy with my relationship. I became ungrateful with whom I chose for life. I DO! Last famous words, couldn’t wait to say it. Why don’t we just live it as promised in the first place?……for better or worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health to LOVE and to CHERISH from this day forward till DEATH do us part.

    I truly hope that this will enspire you all, it surely ripped me out of my state of mind.

    Kindest Regards

  • daisy102

    March 31st, 2015 at 5:05 AM

    Tom54: Just want to say that I am in the same situation with my husband. I have completely checked out. I dread seeing him at the end of the day. I am not physically attracted to him, and for me, it also feels like we are just roommates. We get along well enough, but honestly, I know that I deserve more than this. A few months ago, it hit me that I AM IN CONTROL OF MY LIFE. IT DOES NOT HAVE TO BE THAT WAY. So I told my husband how I was feeling. Since then, he is trying what he considers “so hard” to make things right. However, it’s not changing anything for me. It’s just too little, too late. I know that I need to end the marriage, but what’s holding me back is my kids–12 and 10. I hate that I will be the one shattering this family of theirs. I’ve just started seeing a therapist though to deal with some of these guilty feelings, and I”m hoping I can get things straight in my head. So for me, the first step was to tell my spouse how I was feeling. Once it’s “out there”, you can talk about it and see if you can salvage your marriage. Maybe that’s what you need to do? Perhaps, though, you’ll end up how I’m feeling…just done. And if you get the courage to take charge of your situation before I do, send some courage this way!! Good luck

  • Cupkate

    May 5th, 2015 at 11:19 PM

    So Glad to find this site I. Read your message and thought i Am In r the same situation. I can’t believe how many feel the same way I am feeling. it’s so difficult when children are in the picture Part of me doesn’t want to hurt the kids if we separate but at the same time do I really want to live this way

  • Confused and Unsure

    March 31st, 2015 at 9:32 AM

    I’ve been married almost 5years Now and am trying to figure out if I love love my husband, or love him as a best friend love him.
    We both had crushes on each other in high school but were always dating someone else. He went into the marine corps and we lost touch. He found me on fb 2 years later and we just clicked. It was perfect, although it was long distance. Communication was amazing too. We got engaged 9 months late and married 6 months after that at the age of 21.
    I moved to Cali to be with him where he was stationed and things were great the first 2 weeks. Then all of a sudden he was distant and stopped having sex and talking to me. I had no friends out there, all it was was the guys who wanted to party all weekend and that just wasn’t my scene. My husband was always and still is the dd too. A couple months go by, and we have sex like once a month at this point, one time it was 3 months beforehand, and he left his phone out and I decided to take some sexy pics to surprise him. When I went to the gallery to review, I found porn and pics of naked girls, some downloaded some obviously sent. I’ve never had trust issues til that day. I tried confronting Him and he just got mad and denied everything and that the ones sent were sent months before he just never deleted. I tried asking why was he looking at porn and girls when I’m right there? (I’ve watched it and am OK with it, but not when I’m not the main source of pleasure I guess you could say). He just said everything is fine. I was still a virgin when we started dating so I thought it was me, that I was doing something wrong or just not pleasurable anymore. His friends from home always teased him that he had a thing for virgins.
    Self esteem dropped so low but I still loved the hell out of him and stuck through it.
    He got out of the military and we Moved back home and thought it would make things easier but it got worse. One of his girl friends from high school he was still close with started coming around and I was cool with her at first. Then I noticed he started treating her better than me and his eyes would just light up when she came around. I never found anything incriminating but it made me feel like shit. I confronted him on it and he said nothing was going on and it upset him that I was jealous, but when I ask if you would go Halloween costume shopping with me, refuse and say you don’t even want to do anything for the holiday, then go out and try on and get a costume with her, what kind of response do you expect? It just hurt.
    Again, love him and powered thru. They eventually drifted apart, we movedaround oour home town area a few times and now we’re at the 4 1/2year mark. Things seem okay, not perfect, communication still sucks and for that past year I was working 3 jobs to support us since he lost his job.
    One day out of the blue, I decide to look at his phone, that I was paying for, and find porn again… Sex is still not as often or exciting as I would like at this point. I take a picture of it all with my phone and send it to him and say this needs to stop, NOW. Him and his friends got back and they could tell I was not in a good mood. His bff pulled Me aside and asked if I was OK, I broke down at this point and just kept repeating “I can’t do this anymore” and he asked me to give home some time, like 6 months and I told him, I’ve given him 4years! No change and I just can’t. We went out that night bc we had friends from out of town and I didn’t want to ruin the night, but my husband definitely got the cold shoulder.
    We talked later that weekend and he said that he saved the pics bc he wanted to show me I don’t have to be thin as a rail to be a model, but then why didn’t he ever show me himself. And for the porn he said he hadn’t masturbated in a month. I told him that’s besides the point. The point is I feel like shit, I don’t feel attractive, that I’m undesirable even for my own husband. I work at a gym and yes guys hit on me all the time, but Iddon’t see whatever they’re seeing. My husband said I am beautiful and I told him I don’t FEEL or see it. I always have to beg for attention and sex. He said sex isn’t needed in a marriage and what we have as inside jokes and memories and just being able to go out and have fun makes a marriage, not sex. I told him, that’s a friendship. We both have that with our best friends. Sex is what I share with him and him alone. (please tell me if I’m wrong about that)
    That was 6 months ago. The first time I was able to get a real conversation/opinion from him. The past six month have been what I’wanted, minus him not putting any effort into trying to better himself and gaining tons of weight. communication has been much better too. But I’ve noticed I’m annoyed and not really attracted to him anymore. He’s CONSTANTLY joking around, although he has been showing he wants sex, but now I don’t want it at all. Which is so against character for me. He calls everyday which he didn’t do since before marriage and I just feel done. I’m trying to figure out if I love love him or if it’s as a best friend. I know I love him And that he loves me too, but I’m not attracted any more and miss the excitement of going out. He was my third real relationship and I wonder if I jumped in to quick. I think I want time away but I love him and don’t want to hurt him either. IDK if I want a separation or a divorce or if I want to stay. I’m tired and feel like I’ve neglected myself giving up everything for him and to make sure a roof was over his head. I want to talk to him, but one of his friends committed suicide a week ago and it hit him hard. I’ve never questioned my feelings before or felt confused. I’m at a loss of what to do bc I know I love and care about him deeply, but I feel bored and done too. Help please.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    March 31st, 2015 at 11:09 AM

    Thank you for your comment, Confused and Unsure. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Confused and Unsure

    March 31st, 2015 at 9:10 PM

    I appreciate the links but I don’t feel like he’s abusive or anything, I just don’t know hoe I personally feel, if it’s too late to change. What I should do? Stick it out or get a divorce, separation for a little while. I just don’t know.

  • Jacob R

    April 10th, 2015 at 6:19 AM

    Hi there!

    You seem absolutely perfect to me. Your husband has been really unfair to you with regards to his being dishonest and restricted.

    If only my ex was as patient and understanding as you are… I’m sure that you deserve much better! A relationship or marriage isn’t a game, it isn’t ‘you give me what I want as and when I want it but receive nothing in return’. I envy your perserverence.

    I don’t have much advice for you (although personally I think you could do much better) but I’d like to express how great I think you are. You really can do better.

  • M.R.

    April 13th, 2015 at 11:03 PM

    I wish I had advice for you, but I don’t. I just found your story eerily simliar to my own. Almost every last detail! So weird… Anyway, my point is that if you need anyone to vent to who would completely understand what you’re going, I’m willing to listen.

  • Sandra H.

    April 1st, 2015 at 4:27 PM

    …If you think about it..The answer is there staring you in the face….follow your heart…x

  • erik

    April 2nd, 2015 at 9:27 AM

    Always two sides of every relationship.
    Fault or cause being the main.
    I’m 28 years. deep in same situation.
    Study it before you jump.
    Loss.Gain.Change.Risk.Feelings. etc.
    By all means put it to paper and let your subconscious help you answer.
    That grass is rarely greener. And you still need to maintain it on the other side.Even if it is at first.

    Do not. Do not. Just follow your heart. If your mind and heart arent on the same page. You’ll regret your half thought decision.

  • Heather

    April 3rd, 2015 at 4:31 PM

    I’ve been married for 25 years and have 2 kids, son 22 and daughter 21, who both live at home. I have no relationship with my son who has said he no longer has a mother. I feel like I have done everything for him and honestly don’t know why our relationship has deteriorated so badly. But he is disrespectful, rude, antisocial, and lazy. I feel like a stranger in my own home. No one does anything around the house, which I blame myself for as I never made them do chores when they were growing up. The house is a pigsty and I’m so embarrassed that I can’t invite anyone over. My husband and I haven’t had sex for over 5 years and quite frankly it makes my skin crawl at the though of having sex with him. I’m not interested in anyone else and neither of us has ever cheated. We never really have a conversation anymore. I’m really not in live with him anymore. Why do I stay? I honestly don’t know. I feel trapped, and suffocated. We don’t have any money either so I don’t know how I would cope on my own. My family all live the other side do the world and I have no real friends either. I have no one to talk to and feel like they wouldn’t understand either. I did have a friend a few years ago who I started to confide in, but then she started to back off, since then I no longer see her and do not confide in anyone else.

  • Helen

    April 9th, 2015 at 12:40 AM

    I encourage you to talk to a professional. It sounds like there’s more going on here than you can handle alone.

  • Jade

    April 13th, 2015 at 2:16 AM

    Hi I need some advice, I’m 25 have two kids 6 , 1 I have been with my partner for 8 years. I love him he is a great dad but I feel so lonely , he is nice to every one apart from me , he has a nasty tounge and I find thugs hard to for get . Also after the birth of my second daughter I felt he was not very supportive. We don’t sleep together unless we’re both drunk witch makes me feel cheap , he knly talks to me about him self or work , never touches it kisses and just seems to make plans for him self . She. My children are at there grandparents for a night I have started seeing my friends going out , I have great time and if a man talks to me I can’t understand why but also makes me feel like I’m not that’s bad after all. I have also list two stone and he had not said one nice thing to me . I love my kids and font want to be irresponsible about this situation and cause them pain. I just feel like just need some space or done happiness for myself. I feel like we’re friends there’s nothing else left I have lost my fight as well my relationship with him was never easy as he used to be s big drinker and sometimes nasty but he has changed I just fell like I need to find my happiness now , so confused help someone !

  • Don't want to live the rest of my life this way....

    April 15th, 2015 at 11:07 AM

    My husband and I are at 18 years of marriage. We have one child, who is most precious to me. I contemplated leaving my husband years ago because he refused to allow us to have another child (I never wanted an only…but he couldn’t handle the stress of just one). Needless to say, he won, and we have our only child. I was ready to throw out the “divorce” option (even though no one in my family has ever divorced…but I was tired of being so unhappy). However, his mother quickly got ill and passed away. I felt too guilty doing that as he says my family is all he has. I didn’t want to leave him alone.

    Well, years have passed…and life, too, is passing me by. I am not attracted to him at all due to the fact that I can’t connect with him intellectually or emotionally(not due to physical…there’s nothing wrong there). When he goes to touch me, I cringe (again…nothing he’s done…I just don’t feel any attraction toward him). Most of the lack of attraction started when I feel he deprived me of the opportunity to have another child. I’m left wondering if I’m to live the rest of my life void of emotional/intellectual happiness.

    On one hand, I don’t want to divorce because I don’t want to damage our son (who is 12). I want to do what’s right by him. Then, on the other hand, I wonder if I’m destined to be so unhappy on a daily basis. I don’t “want” another man. I merely want left alone (at least for now). I’m not looking at anyone nor do I want anyone. I just am no longer attracted to my husband. Yes, I’ve read the posts on our elders being “committed” and that you have to “work at it.” I know I should want to do those things…but I don’t. I don’t think I’ll ever feel anything toward my husband again, and I still have a long life in front of me.

    Our interests are different. We’ve both “changed” as we’ve aged. I truly believe that we’re just no longer compatible. What once worked at 20-something is no longer working (at least for me…he’s happy, but I’m not).

    I don’t know what to do.

  • Waiting for happiness...

    April 20th, 2015 at 2:42 PM

    Wow it sounds like you’re writing about my life! We’ve been married for over 20 years and I have the exact same problem. I’ve been contemplating divorce but it’s a hard choice when kids are in the mix. Some people say “don’t worry about the kids they’ll be alright” others say opposite. Who do you believe? And I hear you when people say “stay committed, work at it”. It very hard when the attraction is gone. How the heck do you get that back? It’s there or it isn’t! So even though I don’t have an answer for you because I’m struggling with it also, I just wanted you to know you’re not alone! Answers can only come from ourselves unfortunately.

  • Jamie

    April 15th, 2015 at 3:01 PM

    I can’t believe so many people are feeling the same way I do. My situation totally sucks!! My husband is actually a really great guy! He is a great provider, great dad, is very handy and can fix anything, very good with our finances, very loyal and trustworthy and the perfect guy friend…..that is the problem he has become more of a friend over the years than a husband. We have been married for 12 years and together for 14. We had an amazing relationship and had a lot of fun together. We were married at 25 years old. We have had some rough patches but truly we have never been good at intimacy. He has never been the initiator and doesn’t just rip my clothes off and make love to me, he never has. I have always initiated sex. we do however have a beautiful perfect little 4 year old daughter that has blessed our life tremendously, however it has also damaged our personal relationship even more. He being the one who didn’t want kids at first puts her first before anything which is wonderful, but he doesn’t want to try and take me on dates or anything but if we do anything together it’s with his friends on a motorcycle ride, he doesn’t like to hang with my friends ever and they are good people. I have tried going to church and him going but he’s just not interested. Bottom line is he has pushed me so far away I am to the point of looking for places to rent and how much it will cost to move out. This has been going on for years that I have been falling out of love with him, but I think he has also fallen out of love with me too. Two months ago I contacted my ex who is also married with kids, but he is also lacking the passion and happiness in his life. We both agree if you are not happy or in love anymore even with kids there is no reason to stay. However, if I leave it is on my own completely, I know how affairs are like 5% chance of making it! As much as I love this guy and we would have an amazing life together I can’t depend on that! I have to think of #1 right now. I will be more than happy to share custody of my daughter. I don’t want to fight, everything split down the middle is perfect for me, I don’t want alimony etc….I just want love, passion and happiness and it is too late, I have already cheated and I am done. Nothing can change my decision to leave but it is a matter of when, I just need to get some things in a row. Funny thing is he thinks everything is ok. That’s the other problem, it’s not okay and it’s obvious we are only 37 and 39 and don’t have sex or go on dates or anything. It’s the same boring routine everyday, go home watch tv go to bed etc…..Blah!!! It’s a very hard thing to think about doing. I am scared. I finally told my best friend everything that is going on and she is very supportive and honest. I just hate that all these years I have always done what he wanted and hardly what I wanted. I lost myself after getting together with him and it rips me apart. I stopped what I liked doing for him. I understand having a little baby it’s hard to do…well she’s 4, but everyone offers to watch her so we can go out and he refuses, he even likes that she sleeps in bed with us. I can’t do this anymore and I don’t want to hurt anyone but you only have one life and everyone deserves to be happy, but sometimes you have to find that happiness by yourself.

  • Amy

    April 16th, 2015 at 7:01 AM

    I got married 6 months ago. It’s an arranged marriage. Before that I had an crush in my office. Just a crush nothing more than that. I didn’t even speak to him face to face, but it actually not initiated by me. He is one of the good looking guys in office, ofcourse even I am a good looking girl. So many guys in my office tried to hit on me, but I never used to look at them, as it is the starting of my carrier I seriously decided that I should not distract by anyone. But this guy used to stare at me during tea breaks. Even for him I didn’t fell. But one day he continuously stared at me for Long time, and he was sitting just opposite to me. At that time I got angry and I discussed with my best friend that I didn’t liked the way these guys behaves. But I don’t know from the next day he stopped coming to yes breaks, and I never saw him for so many days, I can say for a month. I went to my home place for free days and then I was back to office. Still I was searching for him. I can say that I am mad. I dunno. Why I fell for him. I can say it’s my first love. I never loved anyone that madly in my lifetime. I don’t know why. I don’t know anything about him. But I can feel that he is a good guy. Later I found him in my office he started going to another floor for tea breaks. Later I found him in my office. One day i called him and told him that I like him. But he said we’ll just be friends and also said that he doesn’t have any kind of feelings on me. My heart just being up. And I killed my feelings on him. After few months my parents started searching matches for me and now it’s been 6 and half months that we got married. How much loved my crush more than that my husband loves me. Like a boomerang my love towards him came back to me in a different way. Both my husband and I were very happy, but few clashes are coming between us, because of lack of understanding. Even in the starting off or marriage I felt so nervous. Don’t know why. Felt like I may hurt him. Like that. I am very understanding. But I don’t know when it comes to my husband, sometimes my love towards him is high, sometimes I feel like whether he is the right person for me or not. Full of confusion! Till now. Even after 6 months same confusion. We are very friendly. Even our family members tell us that we are looking like love birds. But I don’t know… Full of confusion. Please anyone can give any suggestion please.

  • JustPlainTired

    April 17th, 2015 at 7:41 AM

    I came across this, read almost every reply and found myself in a similar boat.
    I’ve been in a relationship for seveal years, and married for just a few. My husband is at a point where ….. well lets start from the beginning.
    I was a teenager when we met. Before we decided to be in a relationship, i was entertaining a few different men. He did not know of this when we first started talking, but found out once we decided to be in a relationship, however, that factor traveled into our newly budding relationship. He admits that we were not together while i was “playing the field”, but called me a cheater and a liar, and we played this game for a few years, in addition to being physically abused. After a while, i got fed up with this treatment, and emotionally after an argument, i had a one night stand. When coming home from this, we broke up, he left, had a romantic trist with multiple females, and somehow magically we got back together, wanting to start fresh. We did, but he claims he never knew of my onenight stand, and we never really talked about it, so one year, later, we had a clear discussion about it, and it was in the open. This hurt him, and we did not fix things for another few years, causing him to again cheat and feel insecure of whether or not he could trust me, and physical argumentation continued.
    After all of this,we got married a few years ago, however, during all of this time, i was told he was not in love with me, physically and emotionally abused, and had a hard time maintaining my own emotions in a respectful manner. In other words, he pushed my buttons, and i pushed his, until one or both of us would blow up, physically fight and then make up, for years.
    Now, a few years into our marriage, i am just tired. He had a recent life changing event, and we had a final large argument a few years ago, that made me just sick of this circle we are moving in entirely, and while i love him with everything, i am not sure i am as in love as i “should” be with my husband. I am tired of the emotional rollercoaster. he is a great parent to our children, and has grown alot in the past few years, but not until i said i was falling out of love with him did he even make an effort to change. He “stopped” hitting me once we got married, bur really it just slowed down to every 4-6 months, we would have a large argument and things would occur. He has not only physically abused me but verbally as well, and his excuse was just that “well i’m an asshole, accept it”. and i did. But i cannot anymore. Now that he knows how i feel he is making an effort to change. He is even working on not being an asshole. But now that he is, i’m not sure if i care anymore. I know what i deserve, and he claims he does too. He has apologized for many wrongs and we actually talk about things now rather than yelling, but still, i’m not sure i should move forward with all of the wrong he had done to me. I have forgiven him, but still carry the hurt of these things, and am not sure if i can move forward in trust and love with him. I loved someone who did not show me love, and now that he wants to try, i am considering jumping off. He says i should stay, that he can’t let me go, and that he will never be out of my life. I know he won’t in a sense because he is the father of my children, but every time he says this, i can’t help but think, i can be anywhere, i choose to be here, and i’m not even sure it’s worth the try anymore. He’s pro mised change millions of times before. But it happens for a few weeks and then stops. Now while physical violence has stopped, and he is not being an asshole to me everyday for now, should i trust this change is permanaent. Even if it is, i’m not sure my heart is in this thing anymore, and kind of want to leave, but I am a christian, and that battle with how divorce is seen in God’s eyes eats at me. I know he will forgive me, but i don’t want to hurt God. However I am hurting. there is soo much bad in this relationship that i did not name, and not as much good. Assholish things like “i only ever hit u, so what’s wrong with u” have been in my head, swirling around for years, and are still said to this day. my heart hurts. I love this man, with all my heart, but don’t need the continuous drama, pain and abuse anymore. But i love him. Does ANYONE i mean ANYONE reading this have a clue as to how i should proceed. Would u keep trying. I have not always been honest, but have been for years, have not cheated since the one night stand BEFORE we got married, and have supported him when NO ONE else even in his own family would. I have been there as a true backbone, and rarely recieved the same in return. He is a good person at heart, but i don’t konw if i can take this anymore.

    Thanks for any help.

  • Michelle

    April 18th, 2015 at 10:00 PM

    I feel like a complete jerk. I’ve been with my husband for 10 years and married for the last four years. I’m 27 years old and we have three beautiful children together. He is a wonderful father, he works hard in fact I hardly ever see him because he’s at work, but he’s a great provider, he’s kind, and he says I’m beautiful even on my worst days.I have been unfaithful I’ve had emotional affairs that he knows of and physical affairs those he is not aware of. And it has made him insecure. I’m not attracted to him. I don’t feel in love with him. I know I care about him, but that’s as far as it goes. When we first met he was very much into fitness and I found that attractive after the years went by he’s completely let himself go. I tried to tell him the things I like and that I find attractive, but he wont do it because it’s not what he likes. Sex is so boring. I just lay there and fake it, talk dirty to him and give it my all just so he will finish fast and it can be over. I find myself fantasizing about other men and wanting to be with other men. I feel so evil when I look into his eyes. I feel like a monster. I may not look like I did in the beginning but every day I fix myself up. When we go out I ask him what he’d like to see me in. I tried to put the spark back into our relationship but it’s just not working I’ve tried talking to him about it, sexy outfits, toys , movies, making our own movies, sending sexy pictures through the day, asking him for pictures etc….. Nothing works!!!! I’m don’t want to hurt him but I feel I am by pretending to be in it. Should I try harder? Should I just leave? I don’t know what to do! Please help me.

  • johanna

    April 25th, 2015 at 9:36 AM

    You basically took the words right out of my mouth! I feel the exact same :(

  • Jen

    April 19th, 2015 at 7:18 AM

    My husband and I have been together for about 5 years and married almost 2. I am at a point where I feel like I need something different and that I’m not in love with him. He’s a good person, a good friend, but there’s no passion n or spark and I don’t know that there really ever has been. We both come from divorced families and I waited a long time to get married because I didn’t want that for myself or my future kids. Before we were engaged, there were things I talked to him about…things that were bothering me in our relationship. Our engagement was a total surprise. I really wasn’t ready and, selfishly, was disappointed with how he proposed. I said yes because I honestly felt that things would get better. A big thing that hasn’t been there is the passion –from sex/intimacy to the “fight” to having hobbies and goals. I am an ambitious person in general and he just isn’t that way. There’s nothing in life that he truly passionate about and he’s just fine with status quo. I’m a couple years younger and of course thinking about kids and starting a family and I’m not getting any younger but I’m worried about having kids because I just don’t know that it’s right with him. I know he’d be a good father and all of that. Bottom line, we’d have to have sex before any of that could happen. It has been 9 months since we’ve had sex. And it’s always a disappointment. It used to always be that I was the one who initiated and it got to the point that I told him I can’t do that anymore. We’ve probably had sex 3-5 times over the last two years. I’m not exaggerating. I am a passionate person and feel such a huge void in this department and am to the point where when we do have sex, I’m really not that interested anymore and I just go through the motions because it doesn’t satisfy me (he also has issues with lasting). I have talked to him about all of this stuff over and over again and asked how I can help or maybe he should go to the doctor. I’ve been very compassionate, but there’s only so much I can do from my end. I recently completely went off on him in frustration with all of his and told him things need to change because I’ve really reached my breaking point and I’m willing to work with him but there’s only so much I can do. I just don’t know what to do anymore. Before him I was with another guy for about 4 years off and on and here was so much more passion and fun and adventure and laughter (although he cheated on me, so it wasn’t truly a healthy relationship). I want a relationship with that passion and adventure and goofiness. I want to feel like my husband is the person I want to spend every moment with. I’ve been out of town for the last week and haven’t missed him at all. I’m actually glad for the break. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I know I’m rambling on and on. It’s just, when is enough enough? I’ve poured my heart out talking to him about the issues I have and nothing has changed. A relationship takes two people and I just don’t feel like he’s taking me seriously and meeting me half way. I want to be attracted to my husband and miss him and have passion and be in love. I’ve suggested counseling to him too but I just don’t know how much energy I have to work at this anymore. I need to stop worrying about what other people think and care more about my happiness. I just needed to get all of this out. Thank you!

  • loveness

    April 21st, 2015 at 5:37 PM

    Jen, honey, I don’t usually tell people to leave their husbands. But sweetie, you are emotionally starved and unfulfilled!!! Please pray, meditate or think about it seriously, even if that means separating from him for a while. Trust me, you don’t want to bring a child into this marriage. It is not healthy for you or your child.
    And there is a high probability that you will still want to leave. Think about that!
    If you choose to stay, things must change! You know what is best. Trust your gut!

  • Aysia

    April 24th, 2015 at 7:17 PM

    Hi Jen, I’m going through the exact same thing. And I’m going to end things. The thing I’m struggling with is, how and what do I tell him? Do you find you struggle with that? Because there’s really nothing he did wrong, but it’s wrong between us. My best friends have told me it’s time for this chapter to close. So I feel what you’re feeling. Feel free to write back if you want to keep chatting.

  • Jess

    May 11th, 2015 at 7:45 AM

    I feel the same way Jen. I have no idea how to talk to my husband about all of this because I feel like a horrible person. The whole idea of divorce seems so wrong for me. I can’t blame it on abuse or cheating. I’m simply not happy. So I feel selfish and like I should just suck it up. Glad I’m not alone in these feelings.

  • Jaymi

    July 20th, 2015 at 12:21 AM

    Jen, this sounds very similar to my situation except I have been with my husband for 25 years now. He is a good roommate, great dad , great friend but not a great husband. I have talked to him sooooo many times about how I feel about how I need to feel connected with him on a romantic level. I want to feel special , cherished, sexy, loved. He tries for about a week and then we are right back to where we started. I could go on and on but he is a good man just bores the heck out of me! So what I’m getting at is don’t look back on your life with regrets you deserve to be loved the way you want to be go live your life for you life is to short. As for me I know what I have to do its just taking that first step . I think?

  • KATY

    June 20th, 2016 at 2:31 PM

    Jen, what exactly happen with you and your husband? As I was reading your story it sounded as if I wrote it. the only difference is we do have a baby boy. I feel like I have tried everything but there is just no passion. I think the only reason we are still together at this point is for our son. I feel trapped

  • Chantal

    April 20th, 2015 at 5:17 AM

    I recently caught my husaband texting and seeing an old fantasy fling he had and put a stop to it. He says that he has reliease he wants our marriage to work. But the first time he told his ex his misses their sex and now he been texting and seeig this other woman. He says no more secrets but how do I carry on with our marriage. This other person has a female parnter which I have told her what has been going on and she has kicked her out of the house. It is not like my husband and I have to stay together financially I am better off. But I don’t know if I want to stay with him or trust him again. Nothing physcial every happened I know this for a fact. What do you tink I should doe

  • Agnes

    May 1st, 2015 at 1:41 PM

    I went thru something similar about 2 years ago. I chose to stay for a variety of reasons. We had been together for 20 years. Anyway, I wish I had the courage and financial resources to leave. I wish I had left 2 years ago we I found out. Nothing but a black cloud overshadowing even my happiest days. Can’t stand to see him on his cell or at his computer. It’s been hell. My vote: get out and put him behind you, it’s your only chance at ever finding happiness again.


  • May

    April 20th, 2015 at 6:54 AM

    Late 2013 I was diagnosed with stage 3 Breast cancer. Late 2010 my husband came to me and told me he needed to go to rehab…he is an addict. He had a great job, so great in fact we just purchased a half a million dollar home, and I was a stay at home mom of two boys. Of course he lost his job making $180,000 a year….lost benefits and I lost my hero. I looked for work immediately finally finding something in December. Fast forward, to 2014… I now have a full time job, with great health benefits and good hours. He finally went back to work in his field, but the job is 21/2 hours from our home. He is only home on weekends. I had several surgeries, 6 months of chemo, radiation, and another 12 months of chemo. I worked through most of it, only taking time off If I was feeling really bad.
    Now still exhausted, from work, caring for our two sons, one of which just diagnosed with ADD and a serious social anxiety disorder. Lots and lots of dr appointments, having to take time off from work constantly, because he is not here. I almost feel as if I’m a single parent. Well, aside from being scarred up, a huge chunk missing from my left breast, chemo induced menopause, hair finally growing in I have absolutely no sex drive. Nothing “turns me on”, or “gets me in the mood”. The simple thought of having sex just makes sick. I don’t want him to touch me at all. Is my marriage over? I work 7 days a week it seems. My regular 40 hour day job, come home to cook, clean, run errands, and again more doctor appointments. On weekends it’s laundry, food shopping, cooking , cleaning, yard work….maybe squeeze time in for family get togethers. And of course he is home on the weekends, but he is still “not here”. He has NA meetings, he likes to ride his bike, watch bike races on TV…( weekend events are scheduled around those bike races). Constantly on the go….and come Sunday night, he wants sex. I am like…” Really?” I hate it, then he wants to try new things and I don’t even want to be doing anything remotely like sex and he wants me to do something new? Are you nuts? I cannot take any hormones or creams or jells that have hormones in them, because of the kind of Cancer I had. What am I to do? There is so much more to this, than what I just wrote…I feel like there is no way this is going to end well…

  • Jamie

    April 21st, 2015 at 2:12 PM

    Hi everyone! I am truly sorry you and I are all going through this mess with marriage and making things work! Just reading all of your stories all sound way too familiar. I believe in giving it a chance, of course, it’s not fair if you don’t. However, there is only so much one person can do. You can’t make a heart be in love with someone. If you know for sure you don’t have the physical chemistry anymore and you’ve tried being sexy or whatever you can then that’s all you really can do and you have nothing left to try. It’s very hard when kids are involved. But regardless you want them to be able to see what real, true love is, weather it’s you by yourself or you find someone amazing down the road. You want them to be able to see that. Divorce is sad and hard and you will go through rough times, but such is life. Married or not you just do the very best you can for your children, but more importantly they can see if you are happy or not. Even my four year old sees it. You know today I was at work helping a client and she was with here daughter and I was helping her close accounts and notarize some stuff and she just found out last weekend that she is dying from a brain tumor and has two weeks to live. Now granted she is 85 and has lived a full life. But, It really puts things in perspective. I truly believe we all deserve happiness, we don’t want to get it the wrong ways, but we are not perfect and we just try to get through each day. I’m sorry if I am being selfish, but I want HAPPINESS, I want PASSION, I want DESIRE, Spontaneity, Adventures, I want to travel! I want to live my life as if tomorrow was my last day. Is that so bad. I have made an effort, but unfortunately even if my husband were to change things and try. It’s too late! We are not compatible anymore, never really were sexually. I am 37 and hopefully have a lot of years to live and I want them to be AMAZING! Our journey here is only so long, but why not go out being you’re happiest!

  • Toni

    May 31st, 2015 at 10:50 PM

    Yaaaaaas! Jamie yaaaaas! Your spirit is contagious! Passion….desire…and pure bliss is want I need in my life!

  • Jamie

    April 21st, 2015 at 3:32 PM

    Hi May,
    I am sorry to hear about your situation, it sounds very difficult no fault of you’re own. How do you feel about you’re husband? I mean if you don’t feel anything for him anymore, than you don’t. Have you tried to talk to him about how you are feeling? Do you want to fix things?

  • loveness

    April 21st, 2015 at 5:49 PM

    So we are separated now. Too many fights (never physical, but emotional and verbal abuse sucks just as much). Then there was the porn addiction while leaving me unfulfilled. I just got tired of it all. Right after I left we were in therapy. The therapist encouraged us to date each other before calling it quits once and for all but that was two months ago. He says he is afraid to try dating me because he fears I will still reject him. Well, it seems like that’s the end for us. ..but who knows. And no I’m not dating anyone else. Nor am I going to any time soon.
    I’m actually spending a lot of time understanding and reconnecting with my self and my passions.

    Will keep y’all updated as I go along on this path.

  • caza

    April 22nd, 2015 at 12:49 PM

    Thank god I’m not the only one out there I’ve been feeling the same about my husband for 7yrs there just no spark communication or passion I don’t even want to go anywhere with him. We have been married 35yrs with three great kids all adult and family too but 12 yrs ago my husband got cancer and I have stood by him all the way my full support of care and fighting his corner was there with full devotion but threw all the stress and strain it took all the spark out off me and I felt lonely and Un loved cos everyone just wanted to here about him day in day out I got this how is bobby I went into depression also got vetigo but no one cared so when I picked myself up out of my black cloud I decided to get out and enjoy my life again I am 12 years younger than my husband and I’m into a 6yrs affair also my other new partner is still married and Un happy at home but none of us want to be a home breaker because although I don’t love my husband I won’t leave him because of his illness so I’m trapped in a marriage gie sickness till death to us part I’m so distant from my husband but have great love and sex passion for my new partner it’s so sad I know and may sound cruel that I am just waiting around for him to pass on buti will carry on till what ever the out comes but stay for my pride of a sick man I have stopped loving x

  • preeti

    April 25th, 2015 at 12:44 AM

    I can so relate to all that which has been written. I am married for 5 years and in relationship for 10 years. When I was about to get married I wasn’t sure about it however I thought things would be okay. I fell in love with another guy just before wedding but he was not in situation to get married to me. Though we continued talking for many years and also been physical once. Being N Indian I had to keep up the marriage for social pressure.

    i couldn’t handle it all and I stopped talking to this guy who I love as he left for US and married a girl who he was dating. Despite all this I can’t stop loving him. My husband is the most caring person. I care about him too. But I think I never enjoyed his company, we Hardly talk, we don’t enjoy anything together. I am very much into my passion travel and photography. I want to remove all the men from my life and be free. I am tired of having the relationships working. I am not having any physical contact with my husband for last two years. We live like friends or may be a father and daughter. I never wanted to hurt him so couldn’t breakup and now I and sinking day and night thinking about my life and future. I am going to be 30 and I feel I can
    Construct my life again. But there is no one I can rely upon about my emotions. The guy I loved never cared enough to stay back with me and I don’t think he would ever come back for a serious relationship. He is isn’t happy in his wedding but he wants to stay in US and being dependent in the other girl for his education at the moment. Please suggest how do I come out of this situation.

  • Anonymous

    April 25th, 2015 at 5:10 AM

    Many times I really do believe my husband and I bring the worst out of each other. I don’t like the constantly irritated, upset and petty person I become around him but (and it’s a big but) he is so passive aggressive, petty and childish himself and always tries to divert attention away from responsibility he might have in our frequent arguments… The old ‘I wouldn’t be like this if you weren’t like this’ shpeel. I think these constant excuses in his part and constantly pointing fingers at me is what turns me off the most. For all my faults, at the very least I am able to reflect on my mistakes and shortcomings and try harder (although I find it nearly impossible in an environment with him).

    I was never really passionately in love with him… At the time we met he was just a nice guy who seemed stable and relatively attractive though not my dream man. I think I was at a place at that time where all the guys I had ever dated passionately had turned out to be such creeps that I didn’t trust myself to stay true to my feelings when it came to passion and being deeply in love because of my other disappointments.

    I think I married slightly out of desperation because at 26 yrs old for some reason I thought that the man of my dreams wasn’t real and if I didn’t Say ‘yes’ to my partner I would never come close to a marriage proposal again. Seems kind of sad when I think about it now.

    From the start our personalities clashed but their was just enough caring, and happiness and novelty to make it work. My husband has never been the most ‘fun and happy go lucky’ guy, but I even overlooked that because he had other good qualities like stability and reliability. You can’t have it all as they say.

    Well things came to a clincher after fast forwarding a few years and his mixed family of origin (including a step mother and 2 conniving wives that married his brothers) turned things upside down in our marriage. To make a long story short, very vicious, selfish and uncaring people who lack a solid conscience. This only compounded problems for hubby and me because I wasn’t that in love with him anyway and had very little emotionally to hold onto when these vulture in laws decided to mount an attack against me (and our marriage) throughout the years. Now that I refuse to allow them in mine or my children’s lives anymore after their relentless abuse, I’m left empty inside for my husband although he’s stuck by me (not that his family of origin was really worth hanging onto). To make matters worse he lost his job a few years ago (his fault) and it shook my trust in one of the qualities I strongly admired in him… Stability. He has never completely recovered from that job loss and I have lost even more respect for him.

    We have 2 kids and most times I feel like I’m here just for them and for the remaining stability of a roof over my head and food to eat. But even daily stressors and aggravation with the kids and household routine seems unbearable many times because I’m emotionally taxed by everything that has preceded, constantly angry and numb. We’ve tried a minimum amount of counselling and it’s not like I wouldn’t go back, but I’m tired and almost don’t care enough.

    I know they say love is a choice and that it is not all about passion, but sometimes I feel like I’ve made a series of impulsive and desperate choices that have burned me greatly and led me to this place and now I’m stuck. If I was gonna get burned anyway might as well have been with someone I was passionate about!!

  • Anonymous

    April 25th, 2015 at 3:46 PM

    Wow it looks like there are a lot of people feeling the same way im feeling. well ive been with my husband for 23 years now married for 20 years with 3 children 1 from my previous marriage.and 2 beautiful children together.whats the problem then….well I don’t have those good loving feelings for my husband anymore. we have nothing in common he has just become a boring man .he is a good father a good provider he just is not a good partner anymore.i feel so lonely .im thinking if I feel this alone already I might as well be alone.and im also scared to death about what my kids would feel if I told them I didn’t wanna be with there father anymore.soooo confused

  • Angie

    April 25th, 2015 at 8:43 PM

    I have been married for 21 years and for the past 3 of those years I have been miserable. My husband is a great guy, loving father and great provider for our family. We have 4 children together. I feel like I have fallen out of love with him and I don’t want him to touch me. When we try and make love it has been only oral and I don’t get excited at all it has been at least a year and a half since we actually made love, I am completely turned off. We have been to counseling and that only worked for a short time. I just want out because I am frustrated and lonely. When he is gone to work or out of the house for some reason I am happy. I did love him so much, but his pornography addiction and always flirting with girls he worked or works with has caused permanent damage to our relationship. He at one point talked sex stuff with a girl he worked with and emailed her privately for 6 months before telling me.

  • Teresa J

    May 1st, 2015 at 9:23 AM

    I have read so much disappointment in marriages until I just don’t know what to say. I understand what a lot of us is going through and it is sad. God honors marriage and the devil hates the very sound of it. I am going through in a 6 year marriage with a man that I never even dated. I knew him for a long time until I married him. Which it was a mistake made by me. He lies, cheat and abuse me physical and mentally. He is mean to my 9 year old daughter. I have helped him when he didn’t have anything. I have torn up cars and houses putting holes in them when he gets mad. I feel he is still doing drugs but he say he isn’t. I go to church, pray that he will change but he haven’t. I pays 99% of the bills take care of the house and help his kids that is 24, 19 and just be a good wife to him. He disrespect me and just live like he is a single man. What I really know if I love him. He has taken so much away from me. Please help

  • Rose B.

    May 3rd, 2015 at 11:06 PM


    God does NOT want you to he abused. PLEASE, look for help at a woman’s shelter. You said he’s mean to your daughter. You HAVE to protect her from him. Please get yourself and your daughter away from this man and go somewhere where you will not be abused.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    May 4th, 2015 at 8:36 AM

    Thank you for your comment, Teresa. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about domestic violence at https://www.goodtherapy.org/therapy-for-domestic-violence.html and additional information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Curt

    May 9th, 2015 at 8:59 PM

    My story:
    Yesterday I told my wife I do not love her. I answered her questions and explained that there is nobody else (I am not interested in another relationship) and she hasn’t done anything wrong. I am not looking for something better, or different, or younger (some of her concerns). I told her she was a friend and I care about what happens to her but I am not in love with her.

    She is looking for a reason – something she did, something I did. From my point of view there isn’t one. I just needed her to know my feelings so she could move on if she wanted. We haven’t made any decisions yet about divorce, separation, etc… I know she wants to grow old and have her love at her side. I cannot imagine her wanting that to be me after this.

    I read through the comments hoping for some thoughts or guidance, but it seems that my situation is a bit different, and still the same. I know I did the right thing by telling her. I just wish I didn’t have to hurt her.

    In the end, she married a man who loved her, and after 20 years doesn’t. I feel like I have failed her, failed our 2 boys, and failed myself. When I look back, I have two decades of good memories. I got to spend it with a beautiful smart fun person. We raised two good boys. She deserves better than to spend another two decades with someone who likes her, who sees her as a nice person and a friend, but does not love her.

    I am open to any thoughts or suggestions.

  • Cattop

    May 11th, 2015 at 10:15 PM

    Hi Curt, I am in a similar situation. After a very long time of not loving my husband and living as roommates I told him I wanted a divorce, thanks to encouragement from another member on this site. We have been married 26 yrs and have two grown children. He is a great father and a good person. However we just have gone in different directions. He too wanted to know why. But there is no real reason other than I don’t love him, haven’t for a long time, and he repulses me physically (that part I didn’t tell him,of course), even though there are a lot worse out there. Anyway, it freaked him out and he went into this whirlwind of “I will change” attitude. You know what that ended up being after the dust settled, all of two weeks mind you? He got out of his grungy sweatshirt and off the couch until 2:00 in the morning. Goes to bed earlier and gets up earlier. He also is making the attempt at being interested in my life. Too little too late, he wasn’t interested then why would he be now? You want to know why? It’s because he knows he will have to start being responsible for himself, I won’t be there to do everything for him. Anyway, we have talked and he is seeing someone (councilor) and we have agreed to wait until the timing is better before we tell the kids (a lot going on for the next couple months). It is really really hard because the thought of selling the house and getting rid of everything is daunting. I will also “have to” give him the money from the sale of the house plus a large amount of my savings. I keep telling myself it is worth it in the long run but it just is so overwhelming. Anyway, didn’t mean to rattle on. I have no one to talk to about this so venting once in awhile feels good.

  • What todo

    July 12th, 2015 at 6:29 PM

    That sounds like me – he hasn’t been interested in what I want to do, nor simply being with me (going out, etc.) for what I feel like is most of our twenty year marriage. Now, suddenly, he wants to be in the same room, wonders why I’m not receptive to his now trying to connect. In my mind I’m done – it’s too late. I needed kindness and a generosity of heart a long time ago – now his ego-centric one-sidedness.

  • Corinne

    May 15th, 2015 at 11:03 PM

    Wow Curt I just wanted to say that I am in exactly the same boat as you, I have had a wonderful marriage for 21 years but I no longer love my husband in a way a wife should love a husband and out of respect for him I felt I should tell him which I did the other night. I am only 48 and realise that I am a long time dead and need to be in a life which suits me. Nobody ever sets out to do this and make their partner unhappy but I realise that if I stay with him I will be unhappy and that’s not fair on him or our children. It’s the hardest thing in the world to admit this and to carry it out, we have financial problems which don’t help so things are not easy but we get along and my main thing is that we remain friends and my children know that their parents love them and each other as best friends but not as marriage partners any longer – good luck with your journey

  • Toni

    May 31st, 2015 at 10:33 PM

    Wow! This is much like my story….great husband, father & provider…that’s why I chose to marry him. Been with him for over 20 years & been married for 15. I have a life that women envy. But, I can’t help but feel like something is missing. I know I don’t love him the way a wife should. I love him like one loves family. For me there are no sparks and never have been. I have sex because it’s my duty & I dread it. My husband knew something was wrong & approached me. We’ve had several discussions which all led to me needing to tell him what I plan to do. I’ve never given him an answer.
    Thanks to all those who have shared their stories before me. These stories have encouraged me to do what’s in my heart.
    I’ll check back in soon with my update.

  • Alicia

    May 25th, 2015 at 6:27 AM

    Litle by litle day by day , i start feeling this way of want to have more fredoom , but not to go out and meet people just, to be with myself to , i have nothing in common all his want to do is watch t.v. Not walkings, orlooking at the sky, and i dont want to become like him, i knew i have to live but he has diabetes , but he wont stop drinking, so my question is. He worthy of help from if he doesnt stop drinking , his excuse is iam depresed but , he gets abusive when he drinks and next day he wants me to have sex, its unbeareable i can not live with this men anymore, my advice to you, You have it Easy.

  • Alex

    July 19th, 2015 at 4:52 AM

    Wow, I can totally relate to what you and others in this post are going through. I wish you and your family the best. It took a lot of courage telling your wife how you truly feel.

  • sus

    October 26th, 2015 at 12:10 PM

    Hey I need some advice, I met my husband when I was 15 and got married on 19 we are married for 12 years. I’m now 31 and he is 33 we also have 3 small kids. My husband works in another country and is gone for a month and home for a month.He is the best father I have ever seen.my problem is if he gets home it is always him and the kids thy go fishing riding bike, having parties drinking. He would always put his family and kids before me. He never takes me out and he knows I love to dance ..I’m not a drinker and would always complain if he is drinking. he never spends time with me alone or have any interest in my live.I recently start to gym and I must say I look good.but this made him extremely jealous. I had a emotional connection with one off our long time friends but nothing happens.my husband found out and he Totally changed, he stopped drinking sends me love messages telling me how much I mean to him, but the problem is I realised that I I’m not in love with him any more and that I don’t want things to work out.it is a little bit to late.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    October 26th, 2015 at 4:21 PM

    Dear Sus,

    If you would like to talk about this concern, or any other issue, with a therapist or other mental health professional, please feel free to return to our homepage. You can complete a search by entering your ZIP code here:

    You can also use our advanced search to help you find a therapist who specializes in a particular area:

    We wish you the best of luck in your search.

    Kind regards,

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Letrice

    May 10th, 2015 at 5:31 AM

    I’m so glad that I found this site. I needed someone to release how I was feeling to. Like so many of you, I’ve been married now 19 years. He is a good man, good provider, takes care of home but I have fallen out of love with him. I have past resentment. There were a few times in our marriage and even just last year when he has hit me, choked me, thrown a book at me etc… It was always sporadic. Maybe even only happening once a year but it did. According to him “my mouth” made him do it. It was never that he should control himself. I never left because he made the most financially and I was afraid to step out on my own. I have two boys from a previous relationship that he helped raised and we have one together. He loved my two like his own but when they became teens and started messing up, he threw them out of our home and I allowed it. One was 17 and the other was 16. I would beg and fight for them to come home but he would never budge. The oldest one now hates him and me for allowing it. We are estranged now. He has a bad back and is now on disability so he doesn’t work. He just sits on the couch all day and eat. He used to be very muscular but has allowed himself to get fat. He doesn’t shave like he used to, has gray hair all over and is just not sexy or appealing to me anymore. Because of his back issues he moved into the bedroom downstairs so we sleep separately. We only come together on Saturday for sex and then return to our rooms. There is no intimacy or anything anymore and I’m just done. I plan on leaving by this time next year after I save some money. I used to be worried about what people would think but now I don’t care. I refuse to spend the next 19 years unhappy.

  • tom54

    May 11th, 2015 at 10:56 AM

    Daisy102: I’ve got enough courage built up to tell my wife I’m checked out. Going to tell her this weekend. I feel so bad but this just has to be done. She asked me a few days ago to get my testosterone tested so see if it was low. We haven’t been intimate for the last 8 months, and being intimate meaning have sex. But I know it’s not the “low T”, it’s just that I have no interest. Plus what I feel as being intimate is holding hands, giving a hug or kiss spontaneously, joking around like flirting frequently, ect. Sure sex is great, but that other stuff is what I really want and what means the most to me. She’s also doing so many things around the yard like planting trees and talking about future plans for us. Whenever she does these things it drives me crazy. I just have to stop this. We have a 3 and 4 yr old together, and I feel they’re young enough to adapt to us splitting apart. There’s no love or happiness around the kids and it’s not setting the example of what a true married couple should be like.

    I recently switched jobs too, and saying good bye to the people I worked with for years was one of the toughest things I ever had to do. But I think it kinda prepared me for the conversation I’m about to have with my wife. If there’s any advice as to how I could go about this I’m all ears.

    This website is incredible…I really don’t feel alone as I did a while back.

  • Savannah

    May 11th, 2015 at 9:44 PM

    I have been with my husband for 8 years and I think about leaving him frequently. He drinks and smokes weed every night. He gets angry at everything I do. I pay all the bills and handle all the responsibility and he treats me like I do nothing, like I am nothing more than a burden on him. He never wants to go anywhere or do anything aside from sitting home and drinking. Every time I cry he gets mad. I used to self harm and he would scream at me and tell me that I was stupid for doing that and that if I did it again he would have me committed. He punches walls and throws things when I make him angry which is often. Everything sets him off. If I try to talk to him about something important he acts like I’m trying to start a fight with him. Everything is always an argument with him regardless of how small the issue is. I just want to be able to communicate my feelings without being screamed at. Thankfully we don’t have children. So much of the time I want to leave him and start fresh, but I’m always drawn back in. I’m deeply in love with him and I don’t even know why anymore. I want someone who doesn’t emotionally abuse me, but I don’t know how to dig my way out of the hole I’ve buried myself in. He breaks me down and then apologizes and says it was all his fault and he loves me and doesn’t want to leave me and somehow I believe him. I wish I was stronger and could just walk out, but I don’t know how to do it. Any suggestions on what I should do would be greatly appreciated. I’m so lost and need some direction.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    May 12th, 2015 at 9:19 AM

    Thank you for your comment, Savannah. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about emotional abuse at https://www.goodtherapy.org/therapy-for-emotional-abuse.html and additional information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Kar

    May 16th, 2015 at 1:04 AM

    So sorry I feel similar I’m 35

  • Kar

    May 16th, 2015 at 1:06 AM

    Sorry Savanah I feel we are with insecure weak men

  • liz

    July 25th, 2015 at 12:46 AM

    Leave tonight! Dont ever go back, hide from him. Before youbring innocent babies into it. I know i am 50 years old and still suffer the memories of parents who fought!

  • anonymous

    May 13th, 2015 at 2:09 PM

    I’m so confused. I’ve been with my husband for 7 years. We dated for a year lived together for 6 years and been married for 1 year…. He is a good guy, very hard working and responsible… he doesn’t treat me wrong, he gives me what I need… but i just don’t feel like I’m in love with him anymore. I feel like we’ve become a boring couple. We have nothing to talk about nothing in common. I think about asking him to separate but i don’t know how. I don’t want to hurt him. We had a conversation about separation once and we had agreed that we both were not living the life we wanted… and he kind of said he didn’t love me like he use to but that he still loved me. I think he’s just use to me. I don’t have a social life because of him. I really don’t know what to do…. I need some Advice but i have no Friends.

  • Nicky

    May 20th, 2015 at 5:12 AM

    I am in kind the same relationship. My husband is older than me. We’ve been together for almost 14 years, gosh I can believe it has been that long😱
    He’s a great guy, the best really.
    We have two kids he’s been waking up taking with them since they were babies cuz I am not an early bird.
    He’s everything that a woman could ask for, fantastic in bed…
    But lately our age difference has been bugging me.
    I can stand looking at his wrinkling face, everything he does bugs me now, I now sleep in the living room cuz I don’t beleive we have a life together anymore.
    Our kids are 8 and 11.
    The adore their dad, I don’t think it’s right to take them away from him.
    On top of it I have no family member around .
    The situation is making me so sad cuz all I do is work and go to bed, we have no social life cuz he has no friends, another thing that make me angry sometimes. I really don’t understand why he doesn’t have friends….
    I have a few girlfriends I usually go out without him, when we try going out i get bored fast cuz he has nothing to say…
    I really hate my relationship.
    I am even thinking about having an affair..
    If ever you find a solution to hour situation please remember to share.

  • Ryan

    May 23rd, 2015 at 6:38 AM

    Wow amazing, you have just summarised my life….everything you said is me…(but reverse the sexes) it just leaves you wondering how did I get here, I’ve now gone retrospective, ie;to points in my life why things could have changed, (forks in the road) I can’t stand living in the past but future seams so beige. . It sounds awful I know…but you wake up next to them and go “how did I get here”? Where is the exit? For good or bad….. children keep you grounded and you accept poor treatment and their irritibilities.

  • lisa

    May 15th, 2015 at 4:10 PM

    I have been married for almost 5 years been with my husband for 10…he’s a good man when we dated I liked him there were things that bothers me but I let them go because he was good to me better then any relationship I’ve had..so I settled and married…well for the past couple years my feelings for him have changed..I feel as I’ve grown as a woman he refuses to grow up…a few things have made me rethink being married one day he was doing something that was annoying me I asked him to stop said it was annoying he said and I quote you annoy me when you tell me you love me all the time…such a low blow….i went to my husband 2 months ago and told him how I’m feeling told him I want passion in our relationship. .I want adventure I want more sex..see my husband always turns me down so I gave up trying and now I’m not interested in sex with him I don’t like kissing him or being intimate with him…sex with him is just for his pleasure forget about mine..any way told him how I was feeling and he said what are you going to do about this…really should it have been what are we going to do.he just blows off every thing likes its all ok..also like I said I’ve been with him 10 yrs about 7 of those he did not work I supported him…in trying to find himself in the process I lost myself I work hard always have he is 35 and decides now he wants to job jump I want security I don’t see it with him… I’ve always wanted to adopt his excuse for us not to is he dies not want children b3 a use they will take all my time away from him…so that meeting we had 2 days later he says oh since we are moving in our house maybe we can adopt. u start talking about it and he says no I’m not ready I asked why he even broght it up he had no answer…my jobs require I have direct deposit I do not have my own account when it comes to communication we have none..we talk about work and that’s it most night he watches movies and we don’t talk not sit together so I was depositing in his well I work two jobs to have a little extra money for myself he does not let me have it says constantly we need to save it for us to do things I pay the majority of the bills he works less then 40 hrs..I feel like I’m his mom not his wife when we talked about my feelings he came oUT aND said well if your going to to leave then tell me now so i can qu it my job ca use i cant be a leader without you hes very co dependent…I do live him I’m just not sure I can live like this forver…when I think of leaving him I’m not upset about me leaving but upset about hurting him…that’s not my goal but don’t I deserve to be happy

  • daisy102

    May 16th, 2015 at 9:34 PM

    Tom54: How did it go? Haven’t been on this site in a few weeks until tonight. I just read your post. As for me, I started seeing a therapist who has helped me sort through my feelings. Then, I told my husband about three weeks ago that I wanted a divorce. He was devastated. He has asked to go to marriage counseling. I have explained to him that I will go if it will help him understand how I feel and how he can cope. I have also explained that it is extremely unlikely that I will change my mind. In the meantime, I am getting my finances in order and looking for a place. I’ve decided that I do not want our house; he can keep it. More than anything, I want a fresh start. I am hoping that once he gets over the initial denial and then shock that we can move forward as adults. He has always been a good father, so I am going to propose shared custody–the kids living with me half the week and him the other half. I think it’s reasonable and would be best for the kids, as they are close to both of us. It’s been a very emotional several weeks, but I’m trying to keep myself focused on what I need to be happy. I also read a quote that says, “Getting a divorce sucks, but being divorce doesn’t.” Trying to remember that! Looking forward to hearing an update from you. Stay strong.

  • daisy102

    May 16th, 2015 at 9:41 PM

    Curt: I just read your post. I am in a very similar situation. I feel guilty that I have fallen out of love with my husband. He wants desperately to know what he “did wrong.” It’s so hard to verbalize, as it’s a combination of so many things over a long time. We have been married for 15 years, and for the past five, I have been unhappy. One day, however, I realized that I do not have to live this way. My biggest struggle right now is dealing with the guilt I feel over breaking up the family for my two children (12 and 10).

  • Phyllis C

    May 17th, 2015 at 3:00 PM

    Omg Ive been married for five years and Im black he is white. When he told me he was white and he could do what ever he wanted That put a stain on my marriage but that thats not even half. Have anyone woke up one day and your ohusband tell you heres 20 dollars and your luggage bye. Im talking about a man I married. Yeah we were going through problem but what marriage is not? Ive learned that life is a challege itself but as I went to live with my daughter he was coming and visiting me, he convinced me that it wasfor the best when he built my confidence up again he took my check changed his number and there it went again. Im livimg with my daughter so desperate to get my own place I took him back. Everytime I look at him it reminds me of what he did Or capable of doing it hurts its no joke I sometimes really hate him. Im here because “Not Yet” do I have the money to move.I want Out. Camt trust him! Hell Me

  • Diana

    May 29th, 2015 at 1:16 AM

    Hi Phyllis

    I read your message and it really touched me.

    Your husband is a jerk and a fool. Trust me he will be standing at your door as soon as you leave him.

    Now you need to get your self together.
    Get a JOB. Once you have a Job get an apartment. Focus on your future. It doesn’t matter how old or young you are it’s never too late to start new. Don’t listen to people telling you, you should do counselling or you should talk. Sometimes people think a marriage is something that you said YES to so now you have to live in it happy or not. We are not living in a fairly tale if you’re unhappy and have fallen out of love then go. You don’t need to divorce if you’re not ready for that step yet but take a distance from your marriage. But if your husband is a Twat like yours…then you definitely need more than a distance. Phillys if you don’t like what is happening to you then get your self together and walk away. This man went over the limit and now that he has past it…he will keep on walking.
    Love doesn’t see colour. Love doesn’t humiliat. People that are not in love do those things. People that like to control other people.

    I wish you all the Best and I know you will have the strength to do the right thing.

    warmest regards

  • Jorie

    May 17th, 2015 at 8:35 PM

    I wish I could hear some stories where things turned around. Have been married 13 years with 2 younger kids. We are older parents. I’m 44 , he’s 8 years older. Kids definately changed us. We were happy at first but we were very independent of one another. Didn’t do much together until kids forced us to spend time together. I love my kids so much and so does he. But after 7 years of fights and hurtful things, there is nothing left , at least for me. We were both left emotionally bruised.. I had an affair and am still in very love after 2 years . People tell me it’s a fantasy and not real. Maybe it’s the idea of it. But it’s wonderful feeling butterflies for someone, having great sex, holding hands, stealing a kiss, looking into each other’s eyes, just enjoying one another . We both don’t want to break up our families because we have young children. Now my husband after many years of verbal abuse and controlling behavior seems to be trying. He is still very controlling however. But I have nothing for him. I cannot take being intimate with him. beyond my affair, I have had no life outside of my kids. My husband and I go out maybe once per year on our own. Do I leave? Will this ever turn around ? Now that my youngest is starting preschool , I’m going back to work full time with the intent to keep my options open and to get my life back., Sigh

  • clare

    May 18th, 2015 at 1:21 AM

    I’ve been with my husband 19 year married for 12 and have kids I feel the past year I don’t want to be with my husband he constantly goes on at me won’t get a job shouts at the kids day in day out but worried if I leave he will make my life hell I ask him to do things but won’t but when one of his family members ask he do it right away his a good dad but I’m just not in love with him at all I don’t know what to do I’m 34 with 4 kids I have panic disorder and depression his not understanding one bit if I feel down he tell me shut up its in my head I can’t cope anymore I’m just smiling threw the b.s. for my kids

  • LostMyWay

    May 21st, 2015 at 5:55 PM

    I sometimes wonder what is wrong with this world. We all give up too easily or do we. I met my now common-law husband 9 years ago. He comes from a divorce and so do I. We both have a son. Mine 13 and his 15. They are inseparable. Our family unit was going good. For the 1st 2.5 years of our relationship, my c-law was addicted to porn which I was not aware until I found out. He had several women do videos for him, texting and met one that I know of. He promised he would stop and then one year later, I found his phone with several text messages to other women. Again, he promised he would stop. He has been controlling in that he needs me to call him from work everyday and certain other things. He is c-law but he is very tight with his money. He makes more than me. He lives with me and I took in his son. He has always argued with me that he had to give me money. He is a good guy in the way, he cleans, he cooks, he buys me nice things. He is short with our boys sometimes in that I feel we are at boot camp sometimes. Along the way, I think I got lost and I dont feel close to him anymore. I don’t think I love him anymore but I don’t want to end this relationship because our boys are so close. He uses this against me and he wants us to go for counselling. In my heart, I feel I am done but I cannot end this. Also, several months back, I met someone else. We talk and he tells me my spouse is controlling. I have told him about this and now I believe he has placed a tracker in my vehicle and I cannot go anywhere without him asking questions of where I was. He desperately wants to mend this relationship. The therapist says we have a very damaged relationship and we need to start a new one with each other. Because of the things that has happened in the past, I wonder if his intentions are legit or if he is just wanting to be here so he doesn’t have to move. HE says he loves me with all his heart but because of what happened, it makes me wonder. If anyone can shed some light, I would really appreciate it. So many unhappy people in here. Its sad but we all have one life to live.

  • Jeanne

    May 22nd, 2015 at 3:43 PM

    I am in a very similar situation. My husband of 11 yrs is very controlling. A brilliant father but, I feel low all the time. He finushes my sentences and finds pleasure in laughing at any mistakes I make. He knows everything and makes sure I feel I know nothing. It is so easy to say leave this relationship but, so many people become trapped by control. I do love him but, I’m not in love with him too many violent things have happened. Recently he smashed my lap top because I was enjoying playing free bingo online. Chatting with people n having a laugh. I never go out it was my only outlet. We are in extreme debt and about to become bankrupt. …no excuse! Sometimes I hate him yet to the outside world we have this amazing marriage. I just want out but the effect this will have on my 10 yr old daughter is too much for me to bare. So I understand all those who stay, silently bullied, trapped and controlled.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    May 22nd, 2015 at 8:11 PM

    Thank you for your comment, Jeanne. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about emotional abuse at https://www.goodtherapy.org/therapy-for-emotional-abuse.html and additional information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Sash

    May 24th, 2015 at 5:14 PM

    My gosh I’m glad I found this, and I hope people are still reading it. Been with my wonderful man 11 years and we own a beautiful home together, but there is a 17 year age difference and I just feel like it doesn’t fit me anymore. No huge catalysts, it just doesn’t feel right. When I look at him I see a great person but not a parnter. Nothing in common anymore. I have no idea how to explain this to him. I feel awful and keep wondering what is wrong with me.

  • Caroline

    May 25th, 2015 at 10:49 AM

    11 years ago I married a super nice guy. I was 25 and thought it was time to settle down, my family liked him and it seemed like the right thing to do. I have NEVER been physically attracted to him. It’s not that he is not a handsome guy, but there has never been any sparks. At the time I thought that I was doing the right thing. We now have 2 daughters (6 and 3) and I wouldn’t trade them for the world.

    I have not been happy for several years, but really unhappy the last year. He questions me on why I never want to have sex and recently we have had some some very candid and honest conversations about our relationship. I confessed that I have always thought of him more as a friend and that I don’t feel an attraction. He thinks I need to try harder.

    I don’t know what to do. I feel like it’s not fair to him to have to live with someone who does not feel the same way he does. But I feel like I gave up my right to be happy now that we have kids. I don’t want to hurt my family, but I am miserable.

    This past weekend we were at a friends wedding and I had no desire to dance with him or even be around him. I feel so trapped and I am starting to resent him even though it is my fault.

    We live in a very small town so it would be virtually impossible to leave without me relocating to another town which is not fair to the girls.

    Any pros/cons to staying married for the kids?

  • Justme

    June 24th, 2015 at 2:13 PM

    Wow I feel like I just read my own story right here! I have no advice but am looking for the same answers. Have you done anything since this post?

  • Lauren

    May 26th, 2015 at 11:07 AM

    So, I have been married to my husband for almost 4 years, we got married when we found out I was pregnant but had been together for almost 2 years, prior. But during those two years I was in college and he was working, an hour away. I was having my doubts before we got pregnant but, thought that it just might be insecurity.. Recently I just feel distant and unattracted to him. He doesn’t talk to me really except for about the important stuff( our son, bills, schedules. Etc). Our interests are completely different. I love going out with friends, love the water beach, lake pool and all he wants to do is watch ESPN and sports center.. A year ago I went to a concert with a group of girlfriends, onbthe out we ran into some of our guy friends, so we all went for more drinks and I kissed another man that night. But since then I can’t get it out of my mind that I had never kissed my husband liked that and he never kissed me like that. I had never felt something like. I love my husband and our son is my world! But I just don’t see my self with him in the long run. I find myself attracted to other men and wondering what it would be like to be them. Things are okay right now, but I don’t know if I should get out now or wait for it to blow up. My husband knows about the kiss, and he still doesn’t trust me. But he constantly talks about buying a house and having more kids.. Just need some guidance…

  • Faith

    May 29th, 2015 at 7:38 AM

    I’ve been married for a little over a year, I’m 25 and my husband is 40. We met when I was 20yrs old. I’ve never thought he was “Good looking” but in the beginning of course, I was attracted to him. I am now attracted to him in no way. When he try’s to kiss or hold me, my skin crawls and I feel as if I want to punch him in the face for even touching me. But I do care for him and I do love him, but I’m not in love with him. I always thought to myself, we would be perfect for each other, if he never touched me. I know that sounds awful. I have mentioned divorce to him, and we have spoke about me not being sexually attracted to him, and he says it will pass, and I need to try harder… Has anyone ever felt similar or have gone through something like what I am going through? I feel so guilty for wanting a divorce. We don’t have any kids together, he does have 5 of his own from a previous relationship.. I’m feel like I’m stuck.

  • Tina

    May 30th, 2015 at 4:25 AM

    Yes I am exactly the same been married 12 years 3 children.
    but have lost all attraction.
    cant kiss my husband or even when he touches me I cant stand it.
    Dont know whether to stay or go.
    I love him more as a friend.
    So hard…

  • kittypie

    June 8th, 2015 at 4:10 PM

    Im 26 and my hubby 41 i feel the same way if you want to talk hit me up

  • LostMyWay

    May 29th, 2015 at 4:41 PM

    Faith: You are a very young woman with a whole life in front of you. If you are feeling that way that you cannot be near that’s tough to live like this. You have no children with him so you have no ties to this man other than you are married. For what I am going through now and I was in your shoes, I would be gone. I am sure you have a connection with this man you have been together for 5 years so separation is not easy. You are certainly not stuck. It is just a decision on what you want and then follow through bit by bit. You have only been together for 5 years so when you think about it and ask yourself this…..do you see yourself with him for another 5 years. If your sure answer is NO then start making plans. Good luck to you. :-)

  • Jane D

    May 30th, 2015 at 6:49 AM

    I could have written this. I’m in the exact same boat and really struggling :/

  • Chris

    May 31st, 2015 at 5:31 PM

    I feel exactly the same as well. I am considering going tomorrow to see a lawyer. I don’t know if I’m doing the right or wrong thing. We’ve been married 23 years. I feel like this can’t be everything?! I want to be happy and in love with someone.

  • Sash

    May 31st, 2015 at 4:22 PM

    Has anyone actually taken the plunge and ended things?

  • Sash

    May 31st, 2015 at 4:26 PM

    @daisy102 I am in awe of you. How did you do it? I have been trying to work up the courage for 8 months, but because he didn’t “do” anything wrong I feel awful and no one understands that just because things aren’t wrong doesn’t mean they’re right.

  • Stranger

    May 31st, 2015 at 8:27 PM

    Don’t divorce him.
    He’s a good man like you said .. You have kids with him . don’t put your children through this, just because you desire someone else, imagine this , you break up with your husband , your children will go through pain so will your husband . you will meet someone else not knowing that guy probably be an idiot . why break up something so beautiful just to fulfill your desire . have you ever asked your self this . your husband has desires but cos he loves you , he will never cheat on you . he gave them up all for you .. Look at the positives . every relationship has its negatives. Please don’t do something silly .

  • Sash

    May 31st, 2015 at 11:16 PM

    I know what I need to do, I just have no idea how to explain it to him. How do you tell someone “you’ve done nothing wrong, but I just don’t want to be with you anymore”? :((((

  • Sonia

    June 1st, 2015 at 2:08 PM

    I also have been married for 23 yrs got married at 17 due to a pregnancy and basically forced by parents to wed..i am still young and both children are grown..during the beginning of the marriage he cheated and cheated and maybe thru 15 yes of the marriage also drank a lot and stayed away from home while I was with the kids during this time I went thru hell but still loved him and stayed with him for the kids but now I feel like I can’t stand him and don’t want him touching me at all I play it off…I love him but not in live with him anymore…I don’t know what to do u need to talk to someone???

  • Tonya L.

    June 3rd, 2015 at 7:54 PM

    Like many of you, I am deeply confused and have conflicting feelings regarding my marriage. Since this is my second marriage I think seeing all of our problems makes it that much harder. Shortly after I divorced my first husband, I was introduced to the man who would become my second one. I admit, I didn’t allow myself time to grieve and instead focused on having fun. At the time I thought it was what I needed, but in hindsight it was a huge mistake. I’m beginning to think getting divorced the first time was too, only because my ex and I have both become better people since the divorce. My second husband and I have been together for 4 years now, and married for the last year and 1/2. I have one child who is 10 from my previous marriage, he has 3 from his ex who are 19-24. Although I knew he drank a lot when we were dating, I seem to have ignored or just refused to see the full effects of alcoholism. Don’t get me wrong he is not an angry drunk, rather one that just has no ambition in life, is lazy, doesn’t take care of himself, etc. I drank too at that time but never around my daughter and stopped drinking completely a year ago, I also stopped smoking cigarrettes 6 months ago.
    When we got engaged he never seemed to want to pin down a date for the wedding. I did all the planning and felt like he wasn’t really into it but just along for the ride. I should’ve trusted my gut then.
    I work full time and share custody of my daughter with my ex so I am very busy during the week with all our activities. He accuses me of not having time for him. When I explain that I’m spending time with my daughter, he tells me to figure something out. But refuses to stay up a little later because he has to get up for work at 4 in the morning. He almost never spends time with the 2 of us when we are there, drinks all day every day when he’s not at work and chooses instead to stay in front of his computer or outside smoking. He is the definition of a functioning alcoholic. If his kids are over, my daughter and I end up staying in her room because there is no courtesy if they are watching something inappropriate on tv. He will then get upset because I never spend time with his kids but I refuse to leave my daughter alone in her room. It’s to the point now where we are more like roommates. We don’t sleep in the same room because of his snoring, almost never share meals together and barely communicate. Let alone any intimacy, he has let himself go and has gained a large amount of weight. Not that I judge him for that but I just dont find him attractive sexually anymore. I never get any help around the house and am constantly picking up after him, throwing away half eaten food left out, etc. I stopped doing his laundry long ago trying to get him to be somewhat responsible for himself, but it remains strung all over the floor. He can not take care of himself, only eats once a day and usually it’s junk. I honestly am kind of enjoying the alone time because most of the time I cannot stand to be around him. I feel stuck because I currently can’t afford a place on my own with rent prices as high as they are. I’m also afraid everyone will judge me for getting divorced again and a part of me is a little scared of being alone. I want out but don’t know if it’s the right thing. I can not handle his drinking all day long anymore. He gets mad and resents me if I bring up that he needs help. (His ex left him because of his drinking). He also gets extremely emotional. I don’t want my daughter to think this is how marriage is supposed to be, but at the same time I don’t want her to get a skewed view of marriage and not realize that it takes work. Her father is very involved in her life and we co-parent nicely, in fact get along better now than we ever did. I feel that I have grown and am a different person now than my husband is. So confused, and sorry for the rambling! Anyone have any advice?

  • Tonya L.

    June 3rd, 2015 at 8:01 PM

    just wanted to add that when I did drink it was never to the point of being an alcoholic, only socially or when out to dinner with friends.

  • Diana

    June 4th, 2015 at 2:52 PM

    Hi Tonya

    Hope you’re well.

    You should really let go. Marriage is hard work…but it takes two to work on a marriage not ONE PERSON.

    It sounds like your husband has already given up. You don’t want your daughter to have a bad impression if you get a divorce? So what you’re telling her is that getting divorced one time is bad, two times means you have to stick to it so that people won’t think bad about you? Is that your message? Do you want your daughter to grow up and see how you’re tip toeing around your drunk husband? Do you think she will respect you for that? My advice. Get a job. Speak to your ex- husband ( you mentioned several times that you have a good relationship with him). Look that you don’t stand in life waiting for your husband to change. Go to him…tell him that you will leave him if he doesn’t change. Don’t just say it…give him a time frame and that time frame is “NOW”.
    If he really loves you he will change.

    Please think about your daughter too. Would you judge her if she was in your shoes? What would you tell her to do?

    I wish you lots of strength and all the Best for the future. As you know God help those who help themselves….

  • Tonya L.

    June 4th, 2015 at 4:41 PM

    Thank you Diana. Your words opened my eyes, I would never want my daughter to feel that she shouldn’t do what’s best just because she might be judged. All my time I spend steering her away from the drinking and never realized as she got older she would view it that way. I do have a full time job but am considering getting a part time one to help out with extra expenses, either that or see if I can stay with my dad for a little while until I can get some debt paid off. Either way it’s a long road…God bless.

  • Sash

    June 3rd, 2015 at 9:17 PM

    No advice sorry Tonya, except to tell you that you’re definitely not alone. :) *big hugs*

  • Pippa

    June 4th, 2015 at 5:40 PM

    I’m so glad I found this. I’ve been with my husband since I was 18. I’m now 31. I to have realised that I am no longer ‘in love’ with my husband but am so scared about what to do next. We have just grown apart over the past couple of years even though he is an amazing father and husband. I just don’t have those feelings anymore. What makes it worse is he suffers from anxiety. I feel like such a bad person for even thinking about any of this.

  • Sash

    June 4th, 2015 at 8:16 PM

    I am not sure if you’re allowed to post outside links but this really spoke to me. tinybuddha.com/blog/3-signs-time-break-up/

  • Tiffany

    June 5th, 2015 at 6:25 AM

    I’ve been married for 14 years and have a 12 year old daughter and 20 year stepdaughter. Over the past 2-3 years, I’ve been unhappy in my marriage. I finally talked to my husband about it and he says he’s unhappy with himself but not me. I feel like we’re roommates. I don’t feel attracted to him anymore and in all honesty, I don’t think I want to be married anymore. I feel bad because he is a good father and husband but I can’t see myself in this relationship for the next 30-40 years. I know the road will be difficult and the grass isn’t always greener, but I’m willing to accept that. I just don’t know how to tell my husband this is the road I want to take. He has no friends, his family lives out of the area, so I’m feeling guilty about that too.

    Any suggestions?

  • Tonya L.

    June 5th, 2015 at 6:42 AM

    Pippa, I can tell you from past experience (having been divorced once already) that once you do get out, there is a certain sense of relief and exhilaration in finding you on your own. However, that being said, make absolutely sure that leaving is the best choice for you before you do. There is nothing worse than regret after the divorce is already completed. I understand your concerns for your husband with his anxiety, but I can tell you as an anxiety sufferer myself, he does have options. His doctor can help. There are several medications on the market, many with very low doses that will help take the edge off…there is also counseling as well. Sometimes getting out and leaving is the one thing that will make you BOTH grow into better people. You shouldn’t feel bad for thinking of you, you deserve to be happy.
    Best of luck :)

  • Pippa

    June 5th, 2015 at 2:32 PM

    Thanks so much Tonya, exactly what I needed to hear x x

  • Scott

    June 10th, 2015 at 2:59 PM

    Thank you all for sharing your stories and situations. While this is a predominately female audience, I’d like to share my (male) situation with the group. Like some of you, I have come to a crossroad in my life that is tearing me apart inside. I have been married for 18 years and have come to the realization that I am no longer in love with my wife and am contemplating divorce. Our story is simple in nature, but, somewhat complex with reality. My wife and I married in our early thirties, a first marriage for the both of us. At that time, I had a young child from a previous relationship, whom my wife accepted in her heart and built a fairly strong bond with to this day. My wife is a beautiful lady, both inside and out. She is very kind and is always willing to put others before herself. For many years of our marriage, she was my best friend. Most importantly, she is a wonderful mother to our 13 year old son. As you can imagine, I’m concerned about the impact that any decision I make will have on my wife and most importantly our son.

    Our marriage has endured severe stress, as early as the first two years of the relationship. Adjusting to married life was harder for me than I expected. I was unsure if I wanted remain in the relationship, however, through counseling we were able to get things back on track. We bought our first house, settled into married life and things were going great. It wasn’t long before we discovered my wife was having issues with having children. After four years of failed fertility drug treatments, we turned to our last resort, which was using In Vitro Fertilization. We were blessed to have our son with the first IV transfer, however, later attempts for having more children resulted in several miscarriages, which, to this day still hurts my wife. Going through this process was tough from both a mental and physical perspective for both of us, but, we always thought we made it through it. From a financial perspective, we are ok. We both work full time maintaining our careers, while juggling or son’s sports activities and limited travel for work. Over the years, we’ve even managed to take a few vacations without our son, to have quality time alone. Those trips were nice, but, I did notice a disconnection forming between us.

    Over the past 18 months, my feelings for her have severely diminished. Our relationship has progressed to us being more of roommates, rather than lovers. We sleep in separate bedrooms and I no longer have the desire to be intimate with her. It’s not because I find her unattractive, but, because I feel that physical and mental connection is gone. I finally realized that I am not in love with her any longer. Quite honestly, we’ve never had a “passionate” sex life and that has been a hard topic of discussion over the years for us. Especially during the fertility treatments, sex was always planned and never spontaneous. We’ve even attended numerous counseling sessions which worked for us in the short term. It’s been 10 months since we’ve been intimate. As a matter of fact, the last time we were together, the sex was not enjoyable for either of us. To me, I felt like I was just going through the motions as was she. Since then, neither of us has made any effort of intimacy towards one another. Looking back over time, I remember how we used to kiss each other before leaving for work each morning and going to bed each night. I look back at how we’d hold hands during a car ride. Today, none of those things are even a thought in my mind. I can’t explain it, but, all the little things that I used to find cute and adorable about her seem to annoy me more and more. I’ve also become more involved in my son’s activities, so that I don’t have to spend time alone with my wife. When we spend time with groups of friends, we rarely engage in conversation with each other, and often are at different sides of the room. I now find that we argue (not in front of our son) about all kinds of trivial things. I can’t help but wonder what happened and how did things get like this. It’s clear to me that we are both unhappy. I don’t even know how to bring this topic up to talk with her because I don’t know how to. I feel that I’ve stayed through the last two years of this marriage for my son’s sake.

    Right now, I feel that I’ve failed my family in so many ways. I’ve failed as a husband, by not maintaining that “unconditional love” for my wife. I feel that I’m setting myself up to fail as a father, because my son will feel abandoned if we split up. My older daughter will see me as a failure too. Extended family and friends will see me as failure too. I’ve remained in this marriage for my son’s sake, while I am clearly unhappy with present circumstances and want her and i to be happy.

    I‘ve made arrangements to start speaking with a counselor next week to try understand why I am feeling the way I do and what happened. Hopefully, I’ll gain proper insight to make the best decision myself and for family.
    Any additional feedback would be respected and appreciated.

  • Lynn

    July 10th, 2015 at 12:10 AM


    I could have written your post. I share so many of the same feelings. The one difference in my situation is that my husband and I never quite had that passion and spark. If I am honest with myself, warning signs were there from the start.

    From reading your post, things sound pretty bad. Sleeping in separate rooms and spending time away from each other when you’re with friends are signs of a pretty disfunctional marriage. You may have already done this, but it sounds like it’s time for couples therapy. Your wife must be as miserable as you are. I can’t imagine that anyone would want to perpetuate a sexless, disconnected marriage. I can’t help but wonder since you once had that spark, there might be a way back if you both started being honest.

    I am in therapy with my husband. Our goal is not to fix the marriage but to find out if we should stay together. It is heart wrenching, difficult and we don’t seem to be making much progress, but neither of us would be happy leaving if we didn’t try first. We also have a small child which makes things even shittier.

    I can relate to the guilt and all the feelings you describe. This is how I am trying to deal with it. It sucks to be constantly facing all these painful feelings and doubts, but it is much better than pretending that things are OK.

    I hope therapy is helping you. I’d like to know how everything turns out.

    These issues are so common for people, there have to be helpful books and strategies for people to try. I keep waiting for a story where someone turned things around.

  • Hugosvoice

    June 10th, 2015 at 10:35 PM

    OMG so glad I found this.

    While I love him as a person I am no longer in love with him. There is no huge reason, I just don’t feel like this is right for me anymore. When I say “I love you” to him I know I don’t mean it in the same way as when he says it to me. It is purely a friendship now, but not in an “oh all long term relationship people become best friends” way. It’s more than that.

    There isn’t anyone else. I am not bored. I am not lonely. I am not curious to see if the “grass is greener”.

    While there is a significant age difference (15 years) I don’t think we have grown apart (although perhaps I have grown away and become my own person a little?); we still love one another’s company and get along great. He hasn’t DONE anything wrong but it just doesn’t fit me anymore on a relationship level and I am AGONISING over how to explain this to him. He’s a wonderful guy who has always treated me well. He’s going to want to know WHY and I can’t give him anything other than my feelings have just changed.

    I have spent the past 6 months trying to get the words out but they just won’t come. Every night I go home I tell myself this is the night! Just spit it out! But then I just freeze. I keep thinking I need a huge reason to end it, to the point where I am almost willing him to do something awful to make it easier to leave.

    We also bought a house only less than 2 years ago and I am terrified of the financial impact which I think is further paralysing me.

    I feel SO alone. Please help. :(

  • Pippa

    June 12th, 2015 at 2:50 AM

    Hugosvoice your story could be me. I have taken the step this week to tell my husband how I feel. At first he was upset but ok about it which I guess was him in denial. He is now angry. We are in limbo.

    Can I just say make sure it is definitely what you want because once you say it there is no taking it back.

    But I totally get where you are coming from. Sending you big hugs xx

  • Hugosvoice

    June 13th, 2015 at 5:46 PM

    I am in awe of you. It only took you a few days to work up the courage and I am still struggling 6 months on. How the heck can I do it? :(

  • Paul

    July 13th, 2015 at 2:50 PM

    I am so thankful for these posts. So many of your questions are in my mind every day. We’re not bad people, in fact the fact that we are all agonizing over this means we still love our spouse and our children. May God heal all of our hearts.

  • Tiffany

    June 11th, 2015 at 5:23 AM

    I finally did talk to my husband about separating and his expectations was for me to move out and leave our daughter with him. I know it’s unfair, but I was wanting to stay in the home with my daughter. He expected me to leave since this is what I wanted. After all said and done, he said that he would only agree to joint physical custody; 1 week with him and 1 week with me. I feel that it’s a lot for a 12-13 year old to go back and forth. Anyone have any thoughts about this arrangement or know anyone that does this?

    Thank you.

  • Steve

    June 11th, 2015 at 11:27 AM

    I have that arrangement for 7 yrs with my kids . It works just fine and their doing great in school. Just think of all the freedom you’ll have every other week. Not being tied down by husband or kids.

  • Tiffany

    June 11th, 2015 at 10:10 AM

    Hi Hugosvoice…I feel the same way..there isn’t a particular reason. I finally found the courage to tell him I was unhappy and that it wasn’t anything he did or didn’t do. A few weeks went by and when I thought about everything, I suggested a trial separation and he wanted me to move out. I wasn’t ready for that. I also said that he wasn’t going to agree to anything but joint physical custody of our daughter. He is a great dad, I just worry about how it will affect our daughter.

    The hardest part is actually saying those words to him (about wanting to leave). I can tell you that I felt a relief from saying them to him but the hurt and pain in his eyes kills me. I didn’t plan for my feelings to change.

    Just know that you are not alone! I going to a therapist for myself, just to deal with the guilt that I’m feeling about leaving my husband and for the guilt of breaking up our daughter’s home.

  • Hugosvoice

    June 11th, 2015 at 3:47 PM

    Thanks so much, Tiffany. I hope you’re doing ok.

    Did he bombard you with “What did I do/How can your feelings just change”? This is what worries me. I don’t know what to say, it’s just what I FEEL. I feel like he deserves more of an explanation, a REASON, but I have nothing.

  • Tiffany

    June 12th, 2015 at 4:45 AM

    His first question was , “do you have a better offer?” I tried to explain that it was nothing he did or didn’t do, that it was me. Unfortunately, life threw me a curve ball. I really don’t have any reasons either. I just don’t feel the same way. I love him but I’m not in love with him.

    I’m sorry….but I totally know how you feel!

  • Hugosvoice

    June 13th, 2015 at 2:07 AM

    Thanks again, Tiffany. I know in the scheme of things I shouldn’t be focusing on this, but we only bought a house 18 months ago and would lose a lot of money if we sold it (which we’d have to as neither of us can afford it on our own). I don’t want to stay for financial reasons but it’s hard.

  • Era

    June 13th, 2015 at 4:18 AM

    I’ve been with my husband for 17 years. I’m 33. Aranged merrid. We have 2 boys 14 and 5. Youngest has Autism mild form, struggles with emotions, behaviour. My husband is the same(misdiagnosed) never supported me emotionally. I’d blamed my self for all this years for not being able to love him or connect with him. Now i know its not me. During this years sex has been a duty only. To me He feels part of the family of course but i i have never seen him as an intimate partner. I get ungry inside when he touches me. He is the main provider for the family. I value him the way he is. Lately i have been diagnosed with ms which made me realise that i need to care more about my self. Stress need to be avoided, in this case sex stresses me most. Im in a difficult position but i feel i need to end this. Hurting him is the least thing i want to do but i need to love my self a little more. Im not sure how im going to do this taking into consideration that communication and understanding is not very easy with him. He wants things clear and direct but will be hard on him and reaction can be difficult.
    any suggestions are welcome

  • Tiffany

    June 13th, 2015 at 12:47 PM


    That’s a tough position to be in. I’m blessed that I’m financially stable and can be on my own. We talked again last night and he still doesn’t understand “where this is all coming from.” He asked me again if there was someone else and couldn’t believe that I would leave our daughter (he wants physical joint custody). It’s extremely hard still living in the same house.

  • Hugosvoice

    June 13th, 2015 at 8:30 PM

    I can only imagine. :(
    Yes I torture myself every day wishing I could turn back time but I didn’t feel this way 2 years ago. The cruellest irony is that it was the purchase of the property that made me realise how different we are and how different the things we want are, but by then it was too late. I have never relied on anyone but myself for money; we make similar wages, but I don’t want to be paying the bank back for a home I no longer own for the next 10 years of my life.

  • cmgirl

    June 13th, 2015 at 5:37 PM

    I have been married for almost 10 years we have a 9 and 5 year old and the first 7 years he worked 6 days a week and I really did not see hhim. We had a noise fire 4 years ago and he took off two weeks to get all the stuff done of that and I was such in a fog that I was there but not o it was me and the kids home and I wok the the smoke alarms going off and the hole noise was filled with smoke I got us out we are all ok. But then after the two weeks he went back to work and I was not doing good I would wake up and feel like I could not breath and I would call him crying and to come home and he said go by my mom um no so I just tried my best to get though it by myself and take care of my kids that were having problems them self. Then 6 months later I got in a really bad car accident a guy fell asleep at the wheel and hit me head on and I was bumped and broosed but ok. He was not there for me then ether my sister was. So we moved in to a new house and last year the started weekend shifts and so I was thinking ok then you can be there for me and the kids o that was not good we just would fight and so in December I told him we need help I went to therapy for 2 years and you said (i don’t need help) now we really do so I am putting it in your hands but nothing. Then he tried to bribe me for sex like I am some hore un no. So I told him I want a divorce and he said he was sarry and that he didn’t want to loose me. And he did really good for 3 weeks and went back to the way he was just a jerk so my other sister said I could move with her and he found out so he went to my sister in law and played the poor me card and the said to give him another shot so I said fine what ever I have given him lots of changes but I will. But now he is trying and he will go to give me a kiss and I tern my head and I am not in to it. And I have been thinking about it and I am not in love with him I am axially appalled by him but I said I would try but I don’t now. What should I do?

  • Tiffany

    June 14th, 2015 at 6:10 AM

    It wasn’t a few days, I’ve been feeling like this for about 2 years. I started to get depressed and not enjoying anything. I would come home from work, get my pjs on and be in bed by 8-9pm wake up at 530am and still feel so tired and exhausted. Then, I thought about my daughter. I didn’t want her to grow up thinking this is what marriage is or how relationships are supposed to be. Then my mom mentioned something to me about how I spoke to my husband, very rudely and condescending. A person isn’t supposed to talk their spouse or really anyone in that manner. I found myself enjoying life when he was out of town or when I was at work. When he came home, I felt tense, and anxious. I realized that my health and well being were not in the best place, and I needed to something about it. I told him I was unhappy. He doesn’t go to church so pastoral counseling was out of the question, he didn’t feel we needed a marriage counselor because per him, this isn’t about our marriage, it’s about me being unhappy. I feel bad because he doesn’t understand where this is coming from. I tried to explain that I love him but not in love with him and don’t love him like a wife should love a husband. Believe me, I have thought about staying for my daughter’s sake but again, what would that be teaching her. And honestly, I don’t know if I can live like this for the next 5 years (let alone 30-40). Not to mention, I don’t want to have sex or be intimate with him.

    So, I’m in therapy for myself and I’m enjoying it. It was nice to hear the therapist say that she’s heard my story before. It made me realize that my feelings were valid. People change and it’s unfortunate. Did I plan for this to happen? Uh, NO! My parents are divorced so that was one thing I didn’t want to put my daughter through. Life throws us curve balls and sometimes we catch them and sometimes we don’t. I caught this one and I will be holding on to it for a while.

    I hope you find a way to express your feelings and be able to talk rationally.

  • Lovesquished

    June 18th, 2015 at 2:59 PM

    This is such a necessary blog. Thanks to all the brave posters. I have so much empathy for you all and that gives me a little more compassion for my own moral short comings.

    I have been with my husband (he’s 46) for 15 years married for 8. I’m 32. He’s an intimidating man at 6’3 not just because of his height but because of the way he carries himself. I think it’s fair to say that he’s a curmudgeon and a surly one at that.

    We met as roommates when I was 18 and began a physical relationship. It was almost a year before he could say he loved me and that was after I literally had my foot out the door.

    We broke up three times. We got engaged to eachother and I broke that off. We were dating, he lied about sleeping with someone at the same time as me. A year later we were married.

    He is often depressed with some suicidal thoughts. While he has never been physically abusive he can be incredibly cruel with words. We haven’t had a knock down drag out fight in a while which is almost sad because at least there was a little passion behind my screams.

    I love him dearly but I’m not in love with him. I admire his ability to provide and his sense of adventure and he is a loyal friend. But over the course of our courtship and marriage I’ve felt disrespected and held at arms length from him. I’ve asked for what I needed emotionally and drawn road maps to both my heart and my physical desires to no end. I know he loves me I don’t doubt that for a second after all these years together but I don’t think he’s in love with me. We are family though. We are best friends.

    A few years ago he wanted to have a vasectomy (we have no kids) and I agreed that he should do what he wants with his body. I liked the idea of no birth control and as long as adoption was on the table as an option, I felt good about the decision we made. Six months later he aggressively denied promising that adoption would be an option. Something that at one point I thought he was excited about. This was a couple years after we were married. I was crushed.

    Somehow after that, I lost interest in his man parts almost 100% immediately. Like his penis was an obvious reminder that I got duped. I felt betrayed. We got some therapy. I did not help. He’s also had a very low sex drive for years.

    He makes big financial decisions without me. Has no problem taking off on vacations without me. Not that we travel well together. We do not. I have such a hard time kissing him or wanting to be in a bed with him. He drew away physically and emotionally from me a long time ago but I’ve drawn away more.

    Do all the hurts add up to an inability to love my husband? Do all of the times when he has been careless with my heart and feelings make me something damaged and bad and broken? Because I feel like a husk of who I once was.

    I feel like I’m living with my big brother or best friend/roommate/business partner. His moods have destroyed my ability to be sensitive to him. I’ve learned to ignore his anger and his upsets because it was making me miserable. Trying to cope with feeling really anxious over his strange moods just about fuc***g sent me over the edge. He’s mellowed out much more now but is it possible that the damage is just done? I feel like in order to preserve my sanity I became indifferent to him and that spilled into every reach of our marriage and it’s just a dead thing now.

    I’ve been having an on again off again affair much of my marriage. The guy I’m sleeping with is a close friend. He is like a breath of air when I’m drowning. I’ve been in love with him longer than I care to admit. He’s incredibly kind and warm. I’m not wound into a ball of stress around him. I can even drive with him in my car and not feel like I’m going to hyperventilate. We can travel together. He turns me on. I don’t have a single secret from him. I trust him enough to do some pretty wild things. In an ideal world, he is everything a grounded good man should be. All of that said, I hate that I’m having an affair.

    I worry that if I try to walk away from my marriage that my husband will kill himself. hes threatened it during other breakups. I’ve asked to “open” our relationship which was the worst fight of my life. I was ill for weeks. Horrible public fighting. He agreed to open our relationship but specifically named my friend and said anyone but him.

    Our finances are very tangled. I could get screwed pretty hard in that department. I think any legal separation or divorce is a year out for that reason alone.

    my husband is my best friend. If it wasn’t for this incredible indifference and my strong desire to make love and be intimate I could stay. I Think we’ve friend zoned each other, big time. I’m terrified of losing his friendship. He’s my family. But I am in love with another man.

  • Lovesquished

    June 18th, 2015 at 5:44 PM

    I will add that in the last year I’ve started to let myself go. I weigh ten more pounds than I should. Reconnecting with my paramour immediately made me get active again. My husband has let himself go somewhat too. We both drink too much. Which is not something I do when my spouse is gone.

    I like being with my lover because I can relax around him and he’s pretty positive which allows me to feel much happier in general. My husband is not a happy man. He takes antidepressants in fits and starts which isn’t good for him. He is better on them than off of them. The last time we were in therapy I asked that he stay on them consistently if he wanted to stay married. He stayed on them for three months.

    We nearly separated last year after I posed the open marriage question. I felt horrible. Like I broke my spouse. But I felt/feel so broken myself. Our therapist said the way we communicate was indicative of couples who split up. We tried to break those patterns and we gained some better communication skills but it was so much work and so painful with so many years of problems. So much pain. I know I’ve hurt him too. I lash out when I get fed up and overwhelmed with his depression and rudeness.

    I feel like we just go through the motions of life without any real feeling. We laugh, we enjoy our pets, we get things done. We don’t make love, we don’t connect spiritually or emotionally. I don’t talk about my feelings because he doesn’t pay attention and it hurts.

    My husband is a good man but he isn’t good for me as a spouse. If I could replace myself in this marriage with another woman just like me, without the sensitivities or desires or passions, I would and they would be happy. I want him to be happy but his happiness these last years has come at a great cost to me. I would argue that it’s costing me my hope for the future, my contentment, my integrity, my possibility of future children, my heart.

    I don’t want to put us through a divorce. I know they’re terrible, damaging things. I feel so incredibly sorry. I feel ashamed of my desires. I don’t want to cause pain but I think it’s going to be really horrible. I’m going to lose my best friend. Is it worth it? I hate myself right now.

  • Nikki

    June 24th, 2015 at 12:04 AM

    I feel you so much. My hsb of 7 years has become more of a friend. He’s very overbearing and I notice myself always treading lightly to avoid conflicts. I very rarely get to express how I feel. I warned him that eventually, my feeli gs would change but because I’m so gentle with him I don’t think he believes me. I know he loves me but he’s troubled and I always have to sacrifice my feelingsm I don’t feel free. I don’t want to hurt him. I tried to explain that his verbal outburst and occasional physical outbursts have affected me but he thinks since he has improved that I should be over it. I feel so sad that it’s over in my heart because I wanted it to work.

  • Mimi

    June 30th, 2015 at 7:48 PM

    Wow. I can so relate. I’ve been with my husband since I was 16 going on 17. We just celebrated our 13year anniversary this pass Saturday, 13 years together 8 years married. This pass month I have been feeling really empty. He asked me if I loved him and I said yes and then he asked me if I was in love wi him. I froze but I answered yes. We have 4 daughters together. He’s a good father it I also feel like I walk around n eggshells just not to start a fight or for him to begin a rage. I don’t want my kids tone without their dad but I need to find myself again. I feel so lost.

  • Nikki

    July 23rd, 2015 at 2:53 AM

    I feel you it has to be so much harder with kids. I was afraid to have kids with him because I felt that he would blame md for anything that went wrong and that he would be too hard on our kids. He has a good heart but his temper. I love him still and I miss him. I separated from him about 6 weeks ago.Its painful because he’s still pursuing. I appreciate his attentiveness but I just cant …

  • Lindsey

    June 20th, 2015 at 8:24 AM

    I was somewhat relieved to come across this post because I’m feeling really alone. My husband and I have been married almost 12 years and have 4 kids together. Over the past few years, I have lost almost all interest in having sex with him. We’ve been having the same argument about how to get ahead in life since we were married and he has no desire to change anything. We’re always struggling financially and he thinks that his Amway business is the answer to all our problems. I think this is where all our problems stem from because I look at it as him being selfish and not caring for us and my opinion in the matter means nothing. He won’t look into going back to school, won’t let us move and is never motivated to do anything unless it’s Amway related. A few years ago, an ex from college contacted me and said that he thinks about us all the time and that turned into somewhat of a flirty, online thing. We have since actually hung out on multiple occasions with our spouses included but my husband has no clue that he’s an ex. I love the rush it gives me and I enjoy being sexually attracted to someone which makes me wonder what’s wrong with my relationship with my husband. I literally despise having sex with him and do it just so he’ll stop feeling me up and being crabby with me all the time. Beyond sad and confused and don’t know what to do.

  • Alex

    June 24th, 2015 at 4:32 PM

    Have you tried talking with a relationship therapist on your own? They can give an objective opinion and that may help you decide if you want to go on and work on this with your spouse or if you feel you want to move on. Take care

  • Magan

    June 26th, 2015 at 10:29 AM

    You should start thinking and talking to him about getting a divorce in a serious manner. Have a plan and tell him that you will be going according to the plan. My husband took me for granted for 17 years. Made me think that he is interested in getting our marriage to grow and flourish, but he never did anything about it. I was the only one investing. He always made me feel like I don’t deserve him and I should try more to show him love. Always made me feel responsible for the problems we are having. I always felt a lone and felt like something was wrong with me. Our marriage had no harmoney or spark in it. Last year, i was taking an art class, me and the teacher had some sort of chemistry and flirted together I felt so alive. We never went out or anything, he knew I was married, we just had fun in class talking and laughing. I felt so amazing with him. Never knew I had that in me. I told my husband about it, in my mind I thought it was funny. As a result my husband told me he cheated on me, he showed me pictures of the woman he is with. than after a few months he told me he didn’t, he just said that because he didn’t like that I liked my teacher. I went through a lot of trauma when he told me he cheated on me. He made it even worse by coming to me and saying that he didn’t really cheat on me. Just so mean!. I cant understand how he can hurt me this much and just not care, and on top of it play the victim. Since than I have been talking about divorce, I don’t have sex with him any more because he really distorted any spec of trust that I had for him. I have two kids, so this will take time. He knows I am serious though. He is trying to gain me back unfortunatley for him it is too late. I find everything he does annoying, and lacking, even the kind gestures. I think he wants to stay married just for his reputation.
    Believe me once you consider divorce seriously you will notice that you will gain strength, everything will make more sense. you won’t even care about your ex any more.

    I think we will be better off without their effect on our spirit.

  • Lostmyway

    June 23rd, 2015 at 9:51 AM

    Hi everyone, I just wanted to follow up from a post I made on here last fall. My husband and I decided to take a break and are separated, it’s been 7 months. I wouldn’t say it was easy, but after a few months of reflection, I came to realize I am truly so much happier and lighter now. I am dating and enjoying dating, and I feel this amazing sense of freedom having let go of the relationship. I don’t think trust issues ever truly resolve themselves, and I realize now the trust issues and constant worrying was eating away at my spirit and impacting my health. Now that I am not always worrying about him, I am finding this amazing sense of myself and focusing energy on me. It’s a beautiful thing. Don’t stay in a relationship that makes you insecure, unhappy or nervous. Life is short and it is a blessing and we have to take care of ourselves first and foremost.

  • What todo

    July 11th, 2015 at 11:39 AM

    So glad to hear that it is enlightening! I have been turmoiled for the last year and a half. Is he having an affair? He did do something in the past.. It does make me insecure and worried. I have decided in the last six months to focus on myself even though we have three teenagers and I have a business to run. I don’t have time to worry about him anymore. I have to do what makes me happy. Where that leads our marriage I have no idea. I only know I don’t love him. I care for him, but that’s it.

  • Alex

    June 24th, 2015 at 4:08 AM

    I have read a lot of the posts here in this board and I can see that I am not alone. I can relate to some of you. I have been with my spouse 9 years and we have a young daughter. I have not be in love for a good year, probably two years and last week I told my wife how I feel. It has been an emotional roller coaster. No one is seeing anyone else but I’d be lying if I said the thoughts were not there. There is someone who I barely talk to that I am attracted to on an emotional level mostly and I feel so guilty. i can’t get this person off of my mind which makes me more sad, mostly for my wife as she deserves someone better. I see this person once a week…what is wrong with me… I feel like a horrible person. It hasn’t always been this way. I used to feel this way for my wife and if I had a magic wand I would just wish I could have those feelings back for her. We have started some relationship therapy. I love ( just not in-love) my wife and want her to be happy and taken care of. My wife and I are each other’s best friend and I am so sad that I may lose that. Thank you so much for listening.

  • mary

    June 28th, 2015 at 4:51 AM

    Hi alex
    Have you approached the other woman before you make a drastic decision .
    What if she doesn’t feel the same would you be able to fall inlove with your wife all over again.

  • Alex

    June 29th, 2015 at 3:02 AM

    I am not going to do that. I am doing my best to get those in-love feelings back for my wife. I have been avoiding the other person that I sometimes talk to help save the marriage. The only contact I had with her was the occasional small talk (prior to avoiding). I did not pursue it further (email/text) as I do not want to have an affair. But, I do have those feelings which tells me something is wrong with my marriage. If the feelings for my wife do not return I will have to leave as she deserves someone that is in love with her at 100%.

  • mary

    June 29th, 2015 at 8:28 PM

    Thats very noble of you to put her feelings on top of yours as in life you sometimes cant control how you feel and no one should feel guilty .Sometimes the hardest decisions are often admitting our true thoughts and feelings I hope everything works out for both of you whether its together or apart .

  • What happened?

    November 20th, 2016 at 1:15 AM

    ‘Alex’ – what has happened with your marriage now? My advice would have been quite different from some of the replies you got on here, but I hope whichever decision you and your wife made that it worked out for both of you and your family.

  • confused

    June 25th, 2015 at 9:03 AM

    we have been married for 17 years I love my husband very much but throughout the years there has been a lot of domestic abuse in our beginning years. Now we are both in our mid 40s. I found out he cheated on me for four years behind my back and we made it through that. The last year I thought was going great than the whole of month of June I think hes lost his mind. He keeps telling me I need to find someone who can make me happy that he loves me but hes not sure he wants to be married. He says he doesn’t want to hurt me. over and over again he says I love you and we still make love and do stuff together, but then lastn ight he said I still don’t know what I want to do. and lets also had that 4 days ago he got out of the hospital because he was so depressed he tried to kill himself. and hes been in and out of places the first 9 years of our marriage. but what am I supposed to do with this or how am I supposed to feel. I told him if he wants to leave he can leave but I will nto be here waiting for him I will not put my life on hold while you are trying to figure out who you are. I supported him for 17 years. he doesn’t have a job. He doesn’t have a car. he doesn’t have any money. and how long should I give him to know if he wants to be married? what the hell? really either you are in or out that is how I feel. After 17 years I think this is a bunch of baloney.

  • Marie

    June 28th, 2015 at 6:41 PM

    I am at this point as well. I will be married 15 years next month and I could care less. I have no feelings for my husband at all. I mean, I do love him as a person and wish him well, but I just feel I need to move on. We have children (small ones) and he is not the greatest of fathers, but they do love him. He was the aggressor about having children in the first place, now that we do, he says he can’t connect with them. Because of this, he just checks out- leaving me to pick up the pieces and glue them back together. I honestly feel like a single-parent at this point. I don’t have any desire to go to counseling or couples therapy – I don’t think it will change my feelings, but I don’t know what else to do!

  • Alex

    June 29th, 2015 at 3:20 PM

    Sorry to hear what you are you going through and that your husband does not help out. I am very involved with my daughter and I realize it is a hard job. A thankless, tiring and exhausting job. Any chance of your husband taking a more active role to help out? Do you think you have or had post partum depression? If you think it is done with the marriage I suggest talking to a relationship counsellor first to be sure. It helped me sort out how I really feel. Still working on therapy. You can even talk to them on your own. The counselling may help with any closure your husband may need too.

  • Libby

    July 18th, 2015 at 3:19 AM

    What is the first step? I’m 45 with 2

  • Andrea

    October 20th, 2015 at 4:17 PM

    I’m also 45 and mother of 1. I believe a psychologist is a good help. There are moments in life we need a professional like that to clear our minds and show us things we can’t see anymore. After my first session, I felt so relieved to share what I have been through. It’s still early to say if I’ll get what I want (to take courage to get up and leave my husband without feeling guilty) but the fact of having someone to say she understands me, keeps me calm and understand the victim, in all of these years, is me!

  • Rabbit

    July 1st, 2015 at 1:17 AM

    Hi just found this website. Again same comment as others “sounds like me”. Nice guy, he’s 64 I’m 57. Been married for 38 years. Both very healthy and fit. Brilliant father and husband, caring, worked hard etc. I have worked hard and a successful career as well. This enabled us to retire early. Retired in the past 4 years and I now can’t stand being with him and do anything not to. He blames it all on me saying what do I want. All I know is it is not what we have and do not have another answer. He is hard of hearing from industrial deafness I speak and he obviously doesn’t hear me I repeat myself 3 times minimum if I bother. I try not to speak at all anymore as he is passive aggressive. I am a self assured person. My children are grown however would be devastated if we broke up as we are very close. I do not want to make an example to my grown sons of a marriage breakup. I feel family is very important. But at what cost. I am just so so unhappy. Have the financial means to leave but feel there is an imaginary noose around my neck. I love him as a friend but certainly not in luv with him. Like sex for sex which does not happen often but there is absolutely no intimacy whilst having sex. Let’s say it’s not making love. Any advice welcome just remember there is always 2 sides to a relationship and I am only telling you mine. I try to see it from his side which then makes me feel guilty as hell and the devil child! We have moved to what I call is a remote regional seaside town. I explained to him years ago that this would be a deal breaker. However it was what he wants and loves so I have tried it for the past year and hate the isolation. He fishes, surfs, sup etc. I have been walking, renovating our beach house, volunteering, going to the gym and trying to make friends. Which I find hard as I come from a corporate world and really don’t care which way the winds are blowing are when the tide is right to surf. I am such a bitch! I am not a quitter, but again at what emotional cost. Anyway comments welcome. Thanks for listening

  • margaret

    July 4th, 2015 at 8:36 PM

    please help i have been married for 43 years & have met another man who i love got married when i was 16 love my husband but not i n love with him

  • Km

    July 14th, 2015 at 12:53 AM

    43 years is a long time to be married but I guess you don’t need me to state the obvious.

    How often does someone come into our lives and make us feel alive? Awaken our senses? Light up our insides? Make us feel like we’re living and not just existing?

    Don’t live your life for others, live it for you. We have one life. Make it count.

  • margaret

    July 4th, 2015 at 8:38 PM

    How do i tell him please help

  • Cheryl

    July 6th, 2015 at 8:15 AM

    So my husband and I have been married 17yrs separated for 3yrs. We have 3 kids together and I had two kids during our separation. I basically went back to my husband so I could be in my older three kids life however I was still very in love with my fourth child father. I condemn myself daily for being such a bad person and not loving my husband. What do I do?

  • Gia

    August 3rd, 2015 at 11:01 PM

    Hi Cheryl,
    I read your post and it sounds like something I am likely to face in a few months from now. I am about to ask my husband for separation because I don’t love him anymore (not divorce yet for different reason), but I am at the age (late 30’s) where I want to have another child soon, just not with him anymore. Could you please help me understand, if having a child with someone else while still “married” legally makes your newborn your husband’s legal kid? I am hoping to have a baby next year with someone I know (donor). I just don’t want my husband to have any rights over my new baby while we divorce in a couple of years. I read your circumstances are different, but the context is the same. Please advise! :-)

  • Hugosvoice

    July 7th, 2015 at 6:39 PM

    I a wondering if “to leave or not to leave” can update us on their situation?

  • Tiffany

    July 8th, 2015 at 9:14 AM

    Where should start? So much has happened in this past month…I filed for divorce and the husband is currently looking for a place to move to. I have my spurts of feeling sad and crying. But it’s not out of second guessing or being unsure- it’s just that this situation is sad- a grieving process. My daughter seems to be ok right now but that might change when he moves out. We have agreed on joint physical custody- one week with me and one week with him. That’s my biggest fear- how much I’ll miss her when she’s not with me. I had no ground to stand on for fighting for full custody- the husband is a GREAT father- it would be wrong of me to only allow the every other weekend visitation. They both need each other and I wouldn’t stand in the way of a father/daughter relationship unless it was detrimental to my daughter. I hope everyone is doing well and pray that you find peace and comfort with your decisions.

  • Anonymous

    July 20th, 2015 at 6:06 PM

    Not directed to anyone in particular but a lot of the people on here are idiots!! Marriage is a lifetime commitment as well as kids. Unless there is abuse of an kind divorce should never be an option. The problem is that nobody wants to have to work for anything more and it takes a lot of work from both sides and the commitment to change. To just say that your not in love with someone anymore is such a bitch move, love is a choice. A choice to give yourself to the person that you stood up there and made that agreement with through thick or thin. How about we just make the choice to put some effort into it and just tell the ones we love how we feel rather than just assuming that they know or expect them to.BE HONEST!! If your unhappy then make sure they know that and give them the opportunity to have that happiness with you.

  • Sean

    July 16th, 2015 at 2:19 AM

    I’m 41. Have had several girlfriends. Never been married, no children. After reading this blog, I’m ecstatic that I will likely never marry. Too many horror stories. I do feel everyone’s pain, though. Must be absolutely miserable.

  • Andrea

    October 20th, 2015 at 3:49 PM

    Hi, Sean! Please, don’t get impressed with the stories. What happened to us doesn’t mean it will happen to you. There are many couples who have a very happy marriage. Just like people say: It takes two to tango! There are many people who forget to keep the passion alive just because they got married. My husband is like that! He doesn’t pay attention to me at all. But, you might live something completely different from our experiences. In life, we have to try and if things go wrong, we must learn with the unpleasant situations. After all, what it doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger!

  • Alex

    July 17th, 2015 at 10:43 AM

    Just an update for me. My wife and I have been trying to work on our relationship and we been going through relationship therapy. Things are not going well for me. I have been depressed which isn’t common for me. I am trying my best to try to restore those in love feelings but they are just not coming back. We are trying to spend more quality time together, split the chores more, communicate more but in the end I can’t stop thinking of this other woman. I haven’t talked to this other woman in over a month and she is all I think about. I stopped talking to this woman and I don’t even she likes me the way I like her. Even if nothing worked out with this other woman I want to meet other woman. My wife deserves someone who is in love with her. The reason I don’t leave and give up is that I have a young daughter and i truly care about my wife’s well being. Also, financially there are big costs too as my wife can’t afford to live without support which I would no have problem paying. I wouldn’t want her to struggle either as I care for her and my daughter. Where ever my wife lives my daughter will live there too. If we were to split it be shared custody. My wife had an emotional affair on me in the past which changed my feelings for her. I asked her to end it and she didn’t do it right away but finally she did. It shouldn’t have taken that long. I have forgiven her but since then things have just not been the same. My wife is a great person and friend. She also makes me happy emotionally in other ways (she can be very caring) and I don’t want to lose that. I am so sad and confused. To be honest, if we didn’t have a child and if my wife were to be able to take care of herself financially and emotionally it be a lot easier for me to leave. My wife needs my emotional support on an ongoing basis. I feel trapped. My wife knows how I feel and surprisingly she took how I feel about the other woman well. My wife says she is still in love with me which makes me feel like crap as I am just not feeling that way now. Thank you for reading all this, I just needed to vent.

  • Michelle

    July 27th, 2015 at 7:54 AM

    I think it’s time for you to get out Alex, I have those very same feeling with my husband, he’s a great man, fantastic father we have been together for nearly 15 yrs but I’m just bored of him now. I cringe when he touches me or even talks about sex. We have 2 beautiful kids who I love and adore but I’m just so terribly unhappy (with him), we hardly get anytime on our own. I am having serious thought about ending the marriage, but he is totally in love with me but those feeling aren’t returned I hate the feeling of hurting him, but then I deserve to be happy without someone who pushes all my buttons. It’s a horrible place to be but ask yourself this do you still want to be with her in 10 yrs totally hating being with her?? Everyone deserves to be happy Alex.

    Kind regards,

    Ps follow your heart.

  • Alex

    July 28th, 2015 at 5:34 PM

    Hi Michelle, thank you for your post. It has given me something to think about. I am sorry that you are going through what I am going through as well. The biggest thing holding me into this relationship is my daughter. I hope you find happiness, you deserve it! At the start of this process a relative of mine recommended relationship therapy just so I would have no regrets. Also, to help my wife though this as well. My relative went through her divorce with no therapy and she wishes would she have considered it. She doesn’t regret her decision for leaving though. Just something to consider. Take care and I wish you the best!

  • Tina

    August 30th, 2015 at 4:14 AM

    I am in exactly the same boat michelle 15 years together and 3 kids… but i have no attraction to my husband either I cringe when he touches me.I love him but I am not in love him and stay for the childrens sake.
    But I have a strong attraction to a work collegue and have for months he feels the same way but we have taken it further but we are really good friends which makes it harder.
    I am so confused and dont know what to do.

  • Tina

    August 30th, 2015 at 4:15 AM

    Sorry havent taken it further

  • Jamie

    July 29th, 2015 at 6:32 AM

    Hi Alex,
    Thanks for sharing your story. I was going through something similar and we mutually decided to seperate. The arguing and bickering became too much. My husband is a wonderful man and a great father but we felt like after 10 years of trying we both deserve to be happy and in love. Since we both weren’t sure if we wanted to end it for good, we decided to do a trial seperation to see how it felt living apart. Some days is harder than others. I think about going back and some days I’m still unsure. We communicate often because of the kids and I still love him, but still not completely in love again. We try to get along and so far it’s workinh. Its only been 4 months so Im still trying to get used to things. I cringe at the thought of him being with other women but I try not to focus on that part. I realize I can’t be selfish and possibly hold him back from someone who truly loves him. My biggest fear is that he’ll find someone else and then I’ll realize he was the one, but then it’ll be too late and then I realize that he deserves to be happy too. Maybe one day we’ll figure things out and if it’s meant to be we’ll come back together. At least now we’re giving each other the space to figure it out. It takes real selflessness and maturity to go this route though. Therapy didn’t work for us, maybe the seperation will. Only time can tell. It’s also something for you and your wife to consider. Good luck!

  • Alex

    July 29th, 2015 at 7:24 PM

    Hi Jamie, thank you for sharing your story. I also read your prior posts. You have been through so much these past 4 months. I know you wrote that you have worry your husband will fall in love with someone else before you realize for sure if you are still truly in love with him but if you feel you could be happier with someone else or the potential and he could find the same for him does that make you happy or does it still make you worried and miss your husband more? Sorry that was long winded, what I mean is, if you could each find that special person again (like when you started dating) does that make you happy? If it makes you happy it could be you just need to give it more time or time to move on. If it doesn’t then perhaps you two could have something and maybe talk it over with your husband to see how he feels. I hope that makes sense, I am not expert on relationships. Since having our daughter our intimacy is gone and when we just don’t have the desire to get it back. It was partially because of exahautisn and having no help. In a year we can only have someone take our daughter over night say for 3 times which really sucked. Even before that our intimacy wasn’t too strong. I feel we were/are each other’s best friend. I have the same feelings as you, maybe it is an early mid life Crisis but I feel like I have wasted some of my life being in an unhappy marriage and I deserve to be happy again. My wife deserves someone who is In love with her. I do love her, I just have no desire or passion anymore which makes me feel so misrable. At this point, because of my daughter I am doing what I can but in my gut I know what the right decision is. It is somewhat of a relief that we are not alone here and this happens to a lot of good people. I will think it over more but I am leaning toward suggesting the trial separation to my wife. I don’t know if she will accept it, she is an all or nothing person. Financially it will be hard but by cutting some costs I think we can do it. Jamie, have you tried thinking what you would like for your future, say 6 months, 1 year , 5 years down the road would be. When you think forward maybe think of what it is you want and see if it with your husband or not? I really hope you and your husband find that person who makes you both really happy, whether together or not. Like you said, we deserve to be happy, and you are still young enough and don’t want to look back one day with regret. Take care, Alex.

  • MrsR

    September 11th, 2015 at 7:52 PM

    Hi. Just wondered how your situation turned out.
    I need some advice from a male.
    I’m a married woman with two kids. Want to leave husband but afraid. Just want someone to chat with

  • kelly

    November 2nd, 2015 at 3:38 PM

    I was married 22Yrs. Divorce final Tommorrow. My wife said she had doubts about our marriage for yrs. Talk with your husband or let him go. Don’t leave him feeling he wasted time!

  • Sandra

    July 18th, 2015 at 4:43 PM

    Take heed people…Be sure about what you want….A few months ago I commented on this thread about my feeling of being lost with regards to my husband…I had a longing just to be on my own, one week later he was dead…( he was ill with IPF for 5yrs)…I felt trapped and stifled by his illness, I felt so full of life…Now, I feel so guilty and miss him so much…..( You don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone)….So, my message is, don’t wish to hard for what you want, you might just get it….Good luck to you all and be sure….x

  • Tina

    August 3rd, 2015 at 4:21 PM

    A friend had a very similar situation recently. it started after 20 years of marriage and 2 children. Her husband was successful and made good money as a business owner. He worked very hard to provide for his family but was spending a lot less time at home. My friend became lonely and her emotions began to stray. She ultimately had an affair with my brother and told her husband she didn’t want to be with him anymore. The relationship with my brother didn’t last long and her husband wanted her back. She confessed to me that she really didn’t want to go back to her husband but was gonna try for the kids. They fought constantly after getting back together and everyone was miserable. She told me she had one foot out the door and couldn’t stand him anymore. 1 year after her affair her husband had an aneurysm and died suddenly in his sleep. She is so depressed and has said many times if she could go back in time she would.

  • Hugosvoice

    July 26th, 2015 at 11:51 PM

    “Not directed to anyone in particular but a lot of the people on here are idiots!! Marriage is a lifetime commitment as well as kids. Unless there is abuse of an kind divorce should never be an option”

    Don’t listen to this person above. Sometimes people fall out of love. And that’s OK.

  • Black lady

    August 2nd, 2015 at 10:46 AM

    We my husband has done a lot,messages, flating and dating.he thinks I don’t know most of what he did and one day I just closed the door to my heart and I just stopped loving my husband. I then had an affair but it did not take off as all we did was talk and go out to parties.I tried to love my husband but every time I try we fight and we don’t even trust each other anymore. I am more happy when I am alone I find myself wanting to leave alone and he does want that he wants to fix things but I don’t.please help we have 5 kids and have been married for 11years and he is a gud loving husband and he continued to love me and wants to take care of me but all I want is my freedom as if I don’t love him but I can’t stay with him I want to be free and leave alone

  • justdontknow

    August 18th, 2015 at 8:01 AM

    Black Lady, I could have written this myself. We both had emotional affairs. We both hurt eachother and now, he wants to slap a band aid on it and call it good. 2 kids and 11 years later I feel so lonely. :(

  • Christie K.

    August 3rd, 2015 at 11:53 PM


  • a wife

    August 22nd, 2015 at 9:26 AM

    If you still have no child i think you should take a break from your husband like taking a long vacation in Greece with your family. And really weigh things. Because by the time you get pregnant you will feel more trap and financially unstable because it is much harder to have jobs while taking care of your child.

  • Christie K.

    August 22nd, 2015 at 4:50 PM

    I have been away close to three months now and supposed to be back September 1st…last time I changed the return date he threatened me,that I go back to him or I stay in Greece with my parents,and,he would divorce me.after lots if arguing he agreed in me staying bit longer…

  • Christie K.

    August 23rd, 2015 at 1:56 AM

    I feel trapped and that there is no solution to my problem…I have been in Greece for almost three months now… still I don’t feel like going back…I have no job and I’m stuck inside our house all day doing housework…I have no friends there…

  • Alex

    August 24th, 2015 at 3:44 PM

    Yes, hold off on having any kids. Once you have a child things get way more complicated. I can’t stress that enough. If you end up going back to the states is there anyway for you to connect to your old friends, the ones you had before you met your spouse? If you go back to work upon returning to the states you could probably meet some new friends there. Sorry to hear what you are going though. I hope you enjoy as much time as you can while you are in Greece.

  • Sandra

    August 8th, 2015 at 1:11 PM

    Christie….How can you even contemplate bringing a child into the world under the circumstances you describe……Do what makes you happy….Follow your instincts, it’s your life…Good luck..x

  • RAIN

    August 10th, 2015 at 8:22 AM

    I found this blog last night and read all. I have been married for 25 years with two 2 boys. (First of all, sorry if it is hard to read this post since I’m not a native English speaker.) My situation is exactly the same as Eva who posted Feb. 15. He was emotionally abusive, yelled at me out of his lung for small things. Depending on his mood, I’m the best wife or worst wife. Mood swing is unpredictable. I have been walking on egg shells all the time for 24 years. Last year, my second son took off to college. I started drawing boundaries, stopped him being bully, stopped being afraid.. He got scared for the first time that I was really leaving him. He stopped yelling at me after a couple of marriage counseling.

    Before that I asked him so many times, years after years, not to yell at me but he always said that he can’t because he has to let out anger then he can calm down therefore he doesn’t hold grudge. (Yet, he always gave me silent treatment for next 3 to 7 days.)

    As Eva said in her post, anyway it was too late. I can’t find a way to love him again. My love has died long time ago by going through emotional abuse so long. Now he complains that I look suffering to be with him and he gets mad. I feel guilty that I can’t really enjoy his company but whatever we do, wherever we go, the bad memories flash back. He is not a bad person so I want him to have a good life with good partner. He is a very talented guy so I think he should be with some woman who really adores his talents. I think it is better off at this point to divorce. If there is any way that I can love him again as before the marriage (because the abuse started right after marriage) I’d love to have that feeling back. But my heart and brain can’t delete, cut and past like youtube video.

    I was also in the same situation as Christie K. I was from foreign country by myself and it was very difficult to leave him especially after having a child. When we had fight, he used to threat me by saying to go back to my country, he will take a child and I will be miserable financially. I was young and scared to be alone and battle over custody without any support from anybody. I was once very courageous, nothing to be afraid of, came to this country to study in college by myself with one suitcase. However after quitting a job, having a child and isolated in suburb, I lost confidence and lost my own voice.

    Christie. If you are miserable now, it doesn’t get any better. If you have a child, you will be more stuck and you will be more miserable. You lose more freedom. It must be hard for you to leave him now for many reasons but please do not have a child under this circumstance. It really doesn’t solve your problem but it just makes things worse.

    Here is a list of book I recommend. I read these books over and over again for two years till I get myself back.
    Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men Lundy Bancroft
    Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to..
    Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship
    Not To People Like Us: Hidden Abuse In Upscale Marriages

  • Andrea

    October 20th, 2015 at 2:15 PM

    Your story is exactly my story! I decided to get a psychologist’s help to handle this situation but, deep inside, what I want is to get courage to leave my husband. I take pity on him and forget about myself. This abusive marriage has killed me. The only thing that makes me stay is being afraid of facing life as I don’t have a fixed income to feed our 11 year-old-boy or paying rent! I left my country, my family and a promising career because of this man and he has always been selfish. He has never been a good husband or father. My marriage is a joke! He wants me to work full time and help him financially but he hates if I’m 5 minutes late. I don’t have friends because he is very antisocial and doesn’t like to see me happy. I’ve told him many times I want to divorce but he doesn’t accept that. He says that a marriage is forever (even after death!). I’m completely lost but what I really know is that I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with a person who finishes with my self-steem. After 14 unhappy years, I want my life back. When I found this website and started reading the stories, I realised I’m not alone!

  • a wife

    August 22nd, 2015 at 9:19 AM

    First of all i want to say right now I’m pregnant and have tm2 kids we’ve been married for 8 years and i don’t know if it’s just hormonal imbalance or not, but I have been feeling this way for about 3 years i guess on and off. And i feel like my pregnancy has level up my emotions. Currently I’m having a hard time controlling my emotions and i always told my husband to read at least some sort of things on the net about what to expect on a pregnant woman so at least he would have understand mu outburst especially on those little things like putting his dirty clothes in the bin, his shoes in the shoe rack, his tecnologies and whatever things he has in order because I’m tired picking up things for my two boys a 7 and 2 years old.and then for him, i don’t ask for him to clean the house i only ask him not to make a mess. But he doesn’t do that and almost all the things that I’m saying to him, like he wants to make an investment to networking and he did it thrice and nothing came out of it, and we always end up losing money, i let him do that just because his intention is for the good of the family but I’m always saying to test the water first before jumping into one, he hears me but never actually listened. Now i don’t know if I’m going to tell him that I’m not happy on what’s going on with our marriage because now when we fight all i can think about is to leave and i see my future without him with my friends and kids happy. By the way i didn’t planned on having another child but i think this is what he wants coz I can’t do anything if i have a little one and that’s actually the thing that is keeping me in this marriage is our children. And of course my financial state. I know he loves me i just don’t know if i’m inlove with him.
    I already told him several times that i’m not happy, and sometimes i want out, he will change for a week and then goes to his routine,that’s why i don’t think he takes it seriously.
    Need some help.

  • a wife

    August 22nd, 2015 at 5:17 PM

    Regarding my first post I did talk to my husband that night and we actually talk and think through on what is my problem and it seems that I’m unhappy not because i don’t love him it is because im suffocated in our environment, we work on the same company since it is a family business of his mom so i work with his relatives, and we don’t have friends because we just can’t relate with his old buddies since we are now more focus on our future rather than getting drunk on weekends.and we live not in our native country so i don’t have any friends here from school or whatever since i move here after our marriage.
    So I’m not happy because our life here is like this, his family is our family, my work buddies are still his family, and people that we can call as friend is his family and relatives because we hang out with them, or sometimes travel with them, so its like we’re an island consist of only one family. It’s not like they are very hard to be with, but we want to grow as a couple as a family emotionally, mentally, and financially, and we actually figured out that maybe we don’t want to have the same mind set ee want to interact with different people who has diff opinions on things.
    so my advice is if your not happy don’t jump into conclusion that you don’t love your spouse sometimes your unhappy of other things that you might be regreting but is actually just in front of you. Coz in my case i get angry at my husband even with little things i thought maybe i don’t love him because i don’t desire him as much as before but after we talked i understand my situation and really feel connected again to him emotionally and physically. The spark is there. All we need is to communicate and if you do that make sure that you are calm and ready to listen to each other.
    I get angry at him not because i’m really angry but because I’m not happy with our environment and not us. Now i know that he feels the same way too like he wants to get out of this situation where we are like trap into his family (relatives).
    Hope this helps.

  • Alex

    August 23rd, 2015 at 1:33 PM

    Sounds like you and husband need to communicate with each other more, particularily with your needs and wants. Having a 3rd child is probably stressing you out a bit too. You would know if you are not in love, from my point of view it is an empty hole inside of you that cannot be filed by your spouse. There are other signs too, just search the Internet and you will see common signs and symptoms. My opinion, the signs are you don’t enjoy spouses company, there is no or little physical and emotional attraction, your are attracted strongly to someone else, constantly imagine your life with someone else or without your spouse, and looking into the future with your spouse gives you a sense a dread. Before any drastic measures like ending the relationship you should talk to a therapist. Try to work out on your environment and I think things should come around for you. Good luck and take care.

  • sama

    September 7th, 2015 at 10:02 PM

    i am going through with same situation. im pregnant and have one daughter of 11 month. i hate my home environment, my husband is a student and he has very old mom. she doesn’t like me since i marry my husband. she use very bad language about me, i cannot go for shopping, gym, meet my friends, i cannot go out with husband or my relatives. i cannot invite anyone at home. Even though i spend my all money i work as much i can. These things make me upset all the time. sometime i feel to go to shelter then i thought who im gonna servive in long run, i dont have job, im pregnant, i have an infant that stop me to take bold step. my husband and his mom don’t care if i leave. what should i do?

  • Sandra

    August 23rd, 2015 at 6:32 AM

    ..Christie…I think you know what you really want to do…stay in Greece…Just follow your instincts, they will guide you in the right direction…good luck for the future…!

  • don't know what to do

    August 28th, 2015 at 11:07 AM

    I’m not in love with my husband. I’ve told him time and time again. He has even found out about another man in my life. Each time that I’ve been caught he forgives me. I have even moved out. When we get into it. I feel bad and feel like maybe it can work. But after a short period of time I find myself feeling the same way. Someone please help!!

  • Gloria

    September 6th, 2015 at 2:13 PM

    I am so glad to read there are others experiencing what I am going through. The most difficult part is that he is a good man and has never hit me, loves me deeply but I don’t love him and have absolutely no physical attraction to him. This seems so wrong and I would feel so guilty if I left but I contemplate it all the time. As one of you shared, my husband has always put on quite a bit of weight an sitting around watching TV is his thing other than fishing.
    I try to take care of myself physically and I like to do things. We’ve been married over 30 years, the first half of which he drank and feel asleep all the time no he watches TV and falls asleep all the time. It just feels good to talk about it. I have not shared this with anyone and I am 60 years old now. I want to feel love and desire for someone.

  • Medline

    September 7th, 2015 at 5:47 AM

    I feel the same way too! We have sex once a week and I hate to admit that I don’t like it. The worse part of me not loving my husband is that we’ve been married for only a year! We have a child and I’m not very sure about leaving/divorcing yet… should I or not…

  • sama

    September 9th, 2015 at 1:10 AM

    Im sorry to hear you are in this situation. I think if they dont care if you leave, you MUST leave. If you are a praying person as God to protect you and to give you strengh to get out of a bad situation for you and your children’s sake. Step out on faith to a shelter and then you can begin to build a life for you and the children with the resources you will find at the women’s shelter. God Bless you and good luck.

  • Darlene

    September 9th, 2015 at 1:45 AM

    This is exactly how I feel myself. I do not feel any sexual attraction for my husband and it has gotten worse over the past few months. We are separated and I have no intention on getting back together with him. He doesn’t know this at this point. I will eventually have to tell him but I don’t want to hurt his feelings. We have been together for almost 40 yrs and married for 34. He has been a great husband and he is also a greatfather to our 2 kids. I love him and he is my best friend and at this point we talk everyday and see each other 2 times a week normally when it concerns our children and grandchildren. We have talked about marriage counseling but this is not what I want at this time and I’m not sure I will ever. I hope to meet someone and fall in love however it is way too soon for that. I have to work all this out first. I often think will I ever fall in love again! Praying all goes well!

  • Alice

    September 9th, 2015 at 7:46 PM

    Hey all..
    This is a little awkward talking to people about this but I have been married for 5 years now but we have been together for 9. I understand this isnt that long however I could really do with some advice. We have had our rough patches before our marriage and believed that we could fix them.. And we did!
    But in the last 2 years I find myself less attracted to him. He’s quiet goodlooking but it’s all the little things that are making it harder to become intimate with him. His weight gain, he lost his drive/ambitions along the way,his refusal to groom, his bodily fuctions I find disgust me. And mostly his loss of confidence… Though i feel totaly responsibe for this as We tell each other a lot and talk openly, so I have metioned do’s and dont when it come to turning me on and what i like during intercourse but it has just proved to immaculate him to the point of acting like a pup that that doesnt his head from his as%. I need a man not a mouse and we rarly have relations anymore, which is frustrating because I find myself longing for other men. He can sence my lack of attraction/willingness and really has just stopped trying. Which is the last thing I want!
    I dont know if talking more will just make him feel more belittled or if he can take my honestly. I would like to note that we moved country soon after we married, and feel that this may be why he has changed due to the loss of his support group, as he doesnt have many friends here. Any advice would really be appreciated.

  • e25

    September 12th, 2015 at 7:58 AM

    From someone who has struggled with similar things for 3yrs. now, my advice is open up a heart to heart conversation, not judging or negatively, just voice to him how you’ve been unhappy lately. Talk about your frustrations and how you want this to work and ask him how you can help make things better. Don’t ignore it because you will only drift apart or even worse seek consolation with another guy. This is a partnership. In good times and in bad. Be the positive influence in him now. Go to the gym and invite him to come with you. Or go walking outdoors and talk. Try ANYTHING to change the situation that you are in now. If you truly love him, you will be supportive and you will fight for your marriage. The main thing is start the communication and keep pressing until you both find the answers and are both satisfied in your expectations of your marriage. It’s not going to be easy but its worth a shot.

  • MrsR

    September 12th, 2015 at 5:32 PM

    Hi e25. We have discussed this issue several times but he gives up too quickly and reverts back to old habits I feel he doesn’t try hard enough.
    I’ve felt abandoned ever since my first pregnancy.
    Honestly I think I’ve changed over the course of our marriage and feel we’re not compatible anymore.
    Ive tried everything to make it work but I’m exhausted

  • MrsR

    September 12th, 2015 at 5:34 PM

    E25 pls tell me what you struggled with and what the outcome was. I need to hear from someone with the same experience that there is hope

  • Natalie

    September 22nd, 2015 at 9:47 PM

    Hi Alice,
    My name is Natalie, I’ve been with the same man for 10 years and married 5. We have 2 children together. Elise and Marley, both girls. I’m writing you to tell you, your not alone in your thoughts. Falling in and out of love with your husband is normal. Almost a cycle to say the least. Time takes a toll on all of our bodies. I am certainly not what he married 5 years ago and defiantly not what he met 10 years ago. He has changed a lot too. The extra pounds effect us as well as others everywhere. It’s something that we continuously work on together. Going on walks, bike rides, playing with our children and making better food choices. We communicate each other our goals as individuals and as a couple. The initial conversation about changing our life style wasn’t easy, but anything worth doing isn’t easy. I have always been in better shape than my husband, so I didn’t want him to feel attacked. I wanted him to know my concerns for his Health. I wanted him to know I was afraid he wouldn’t be able to make it to our daughters graduation. This was his turning point, he started to care. He made a change for himself but also for our children and myself. Oxoxo -Nat

  • MrsR

    September 11th, 2015 at 8:05 PM

    Been with my husband for 11 years. Married for 5. Have two kids.
    He adores me and treats me well but he has a serious porn addiction. Has tried to stop but unsuccessful. We are no longer intimate due to EPD. Also has other issues in the past which makes it hard for me to be in love with him.
    I think about separating at least once a week for the last 6 months. I stay mostly bc of our kids. They are so young and I don’t want to take them out of their environment. However my marriage takes so much out of me it makes me depressed. I don’t feel his addiction will ever be under control and something I will have to choose to deal with while we are married. I am a very attractive successful female and know I can have a more trusting relationship with someone else.
    There are times when I want to make it work but most times it’s not. I struggle and cry every week bc I want to leave him
    He says he’ll see a therapist and won’t let me down.my patience is running thin. Is this considered through sickness and in health? Should I stay and fight?

  • Mel

    November 20th, 2015 at 11:35 PM

    Don’t stay for kids. That’s not good.

  • May

    September 18th, 2015 at 7:31 AM

    My husband was the one to tell me he doesn’t love me anymore. This was just weeks short of our 1 year anniversary. It’s interesting to see that every single person in this forum has encouraged talking and communication when it comes to these kinds of feelings. My husband did no such thing. He made no communication with regarding his feelings and has made no attempt to save the marriage. I was told that that was how he felt and we had to separate. I had to leave my home a few days later and start again. It’s a brave and mature decision in my opinion to talk about your feelings openly in a marriage. What my husband has done is the complete opposite and he’s an idiot for doing so.

    I would like to get out of our marriage as soon as possible. I don’t know if there are any grounds for divorce and we may have to wait 2 years. Imagine in my position how unfair that is. This was not my decision and now he expects me to be lawfully bound to him for 2 years. Should I ask him to admit to adultery? Do you think that would be the kind thing to do? It would allow me to move on and get away from a man who is emotionally pathetic and start my own chapter 2. Thoughts?

  • Broke angel

    September 18th, 2015 at 5:48 PM

    I’m broken hearted, desperate, stressed, deeply depressed! I’m a Christian and my husband is I think. We have different beliefs, we have nothing in common accept that we are nice people. We’ve been married 11 years and only knew each other 3 months before getting married. When we got married I was young and pregnant, scared, and lonely. I have bipolar disorder on top of that. He took my child in as his own. Before we got married he would send me cards and flowers, then he stopped that after we got married and I realized he’s not a gift giving type person. That was just his dating me thing. I felt bad when he asked me to marry him but I said yes anyway because he was giving me a place to live, a car to drive, and a good father for our son, and I didn’t want to be lonely. I think I may have talked myself into loving him. Even though I feel I do I don’t feel anything when we kiss make love, I just don’t feel anything and it’s gotten worse. The whole time we’ve been married I’ve had my doubts, although he is very good to me in ways, but really all he does is sit at a computer and that’s it. We are only existing together, that’s it. I’m afraid I’m going to kill myself if I can’t get out of this or fix it. Help someone please!! He is such a good person and father but I just don’t feel anything there and don’t know if I ever have, well I’ve tried!!!

  • Broke angel

    September 18th, 2015 at 5:56 PM

    I’ve been having thoughts of suicide although I’m too chicken to do it, I’ve come close so many times! He’s stuck by my side through all my ups and downs. Even though I cheated on him he still stayed, and he’s baptist so that says a lot that he really loves me. I’m not sure if I love him though!! I’ve had a lot of nervous breakdowns the last few days, had to call out of work. I don’t want to hurt our children, they love their dad so much! And in a way I love him too. I want this to work and he says he’s willing to help to make it work but I’m so bored, there’s no excitement, no romance, we have almost nothing in common! I need a miracle soon. Because if not I’d rather not live. 😢

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    September 18th, 2015 at 6:50 PM

    Thank you for your comment, Broke Angel. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Marni

    September 18th, 2015 at 10:13 PM

    I can relate to so much of what you shared. I’m in almost the exact situation. My husband is a good man, and we have one son together. I feel so dead in my marriage as well. I married for the wrong reasons, almost the same as you described for yourself. I’ve just started thinking that divorce could be an option and I’m feeling from it. Whatever you do, hold on. Start being true to yourself in all this.

  • shenaylove

    September 21st, 2015 at 7:43 PM

    I em in the same situation I only married my husband to get back at my kids father we have nothing in common two different people our sex life is over. We argu about the littlest things. Am just not happy at all. And I think it’s time to be separated from each other.

  • Evan

    September 24th, 2015 at 6:46 AM

    I am reading these posts from the other side of the coin. I am husband that my wife is no longer IN love with. We were highschool sweethearts that married and started a family shortly after graduating college. We have been together for 18 years (married for almost 10). We started talking about this about 3 years ago, after our 3rd child was born. My wife confessed to talking to a guy from college ( someone that confessed his love to her shortly before we got married), that I had no clue existed. We talked about this and she stopped talking to him, but the damage was done to me, even without a physical relationship with him. He has a faimly of his own, so I am not sure what they wanted to happen (she could not answer that either) She explained that she is going through something and expressed that she has been questioning all decisions she in her life to that point. This hurt me, but ultimately opened up a dialogue to talk about it. We went to counseling for this and my wife felt ganged up on from the therapist because she was focusing on the emotional relationship instead of getting to the real problem.

    Fast forward 3 years later, she still feels the same about me. She loves me, thinks I am a great father etc. She has stated several times that she will not break up the family because of how it will affect our 3 children. Also, financially, we would be in some trouble of we split. We hardly fight and still have sex, but yesterday she saids something that I cannot shake. She told me that sometimes she feels that she is an actress in a movie. And that she is not sure we will ever be compatible because she is not the same person she was 5 years ago. She thinks counseling would be a waste of time, because of this, I think we are doomed as soon as the kids are gone ( in 15 years at least).

    Reading your stories saddens me because I love my wife with all my heart, even after she has expressed her feeling s to me. I am to the point were I feel selfish for even letting her make the decision to stay for the kids. I guess we all have to make sacrifices, but I am not ready to give up seeing my children everyday for ANYONES happiness. So I find myself trying to fall out of love with her everyday, so I am prepared for the day when it does happen.

    Not sure what to do, but I love her enough to want to see her happy (what every it is). Even if it will leave me with a lifetime of sadness.

  • Sasha

    September 25th, 2015 at 4:44 AM

    I am in the same situation as your wife. I am a 34 year old woman married for ten years. We met 18 years ago when I just finished the high school. He is 10 years older than me, but his age has never been a problem for me as I always attracted to older men. I have lost my sexual attraction to him and this started several years ago. In opposit, he truly loves me to death and loves having sex with me. He is a good man, supportive, respectful, kind and any thing I can say about a good man he has it. He takes care of himself and pay attention to his grooming and fitness as much as I do. I can say that I love him too or may be instead I should say I like him so much, but I lost the spark. I aways have sex with him to do my duty as a wife and I play it very good, so he gets 100% satisfied, but I never get turned on with him any more. I really prefer to not have sex with him for so long. I talked to him about it, but it sounds like he ignores it. This is really affecting me negatively because I am a sexual person and I like sex and sometimes I get attracted to some other men. I never cheated on him and the main reason for that is that I will be feeling guilty about it or he may find out and that will be a disaster. We don’t have children yet, and I will be ok financially if I divorce because I have a good job. I think about divorce and I am ok with it, but it will be so hard on him. He will be broke if I divorce him. Am I responsible for his feelings? I would appreciate getting some advice.

  • Alex

    September 25th, 2015 at 4:06 PM

    Sasha, I am almost in the same situation as you. My wife and I are both high school sweethearts, each other’s first love. I understand how you feel. I have some prior posts which are below. My wife Is still deeply in love with me. I have a young daughter which makes things a lot harder for me. We did counselling, 5 week trial separation and recently decided we would work on our relationship. To be honest, if it weren’t for my daughter I would have moved on. But, I do have some, on the low end in love feelings for my wife because of the trial separation and I hope by working on our relationship through the fall and winter all will be much better by the spring. If by the spring I feel the same way as I do now I will have to move on. I can’t live like this for the rest of my wife. My advice is you see a therapist on your own to explain how you truly feel. I don’t think you should stay in the relationship for his feelings. If you have no doubt leaving for a considerable amount of time then I think you have to let him go. If you have some doubt you should talk to your husband and consider therapy. If you leave with doubt you will probably regret it. Take care.

  • charmy

    September 24th, 2015 at 8:51 AM

    So many years you have been the rock of this relationship, you have weathered the storms and stood firm.
    Now you find yourself wanting more. Who can blame you? Life is short and you have done your duty.
    Serious your earnt it, whats first? i did solitude, it was so good not having people demand on me. i just laid on the beach and dreamed. Then i went for education, i always new i could do better. After that i thought i would push myself to be me.
    After a while i felt incomplete. i needed someone that got me, i pushed on! no way was i going back to that.
    kids rang me more i shared my life with them. i was on top. yeah lonely is ok i have it all now, i sleep nieked now for want of been wanted… i’ll be fine. arsehole!

  • EVAN

    September 25th, 2015 at 11:56 AM

    I really hope that you are not thinking about having children (“We don’t have children, yet”). I think my situation would be a lot easier to deal with if we did not have children. If you hurt your husband with a divorce now, he at least has the option to never see or speak with you again. If you have children, it will be a much different story. To answer your question “Am I responsible for his feelings?”, I would love to say yes as I am in his situation, but ultimately he would have deal with whatever comes his way (as do I). I will never advocate a divorce without trying, because marriage is not an easy or static thing, it takes time and effort. You say that you have a good job and I assume that you worked really hard to get that job. I can say that you should be willing to work at least that hard on your marriage before you just call it quits. All this being said, if you do not intend on staying no matter how you try to work on it, please be completely honest about that to husband. I hope that helps

  • Karen

    October 11th, 2015 at 2:51 PM

    we have already divorced and I moved out for 3 months . But he would not leave me alone til I moved back . So we are at a cross roads that I don’t love him , I can not stand to be in the same room , sex is another issue . I am so confused .

  • Unhappy

    October 23rd, 2015 at 5:35 PM

    I don’t even know where to begin. I am 40 and husband is almost 47, been married for 16 years. He is a good person and a good father, not abusive and not a cheater but I have grown to really dislike him and the fact that he is so rigid in his ways annoys me. He is a perfectionist and I know I fell off of his ridiculous pedestal a while back. I can’t stand him and sex with him is gross. But I can’t leave him yet or anytime in the nearer future. We have 2 kids, one is autistic who I am planning to send to a group home when he turns 18 (that will be so much better for him too as I believe adult children disabled or not are simply meant to leave the nest.. just with him he needs to be transitioned out with help) he is 11 so there are many years to get things rolling with that. I’m also not financially stable to divorce him at this point. My daughter loves him and it would break her heart if we broke up. However, I have warned her to not be surprised if we divorce after she is 18. I know that dealing with our sons disability has put a wedge in our marriage and I am also holding a lot of resentments towards him and I am sure he is towards me. I have been so unhappy and was recently diagnosed with severe depression. I am extremely overweight and have let myself go in every way. But if I want to be financially secure enough to leave him, I had a wake up call recently. I have to start losing weight and fixing myself up and working on my depression. I am not interested in marriage counselling as I do not have any interest in salvaging the marriage. Once our kids are out I plan to hand him the divorce papers. I can’t even begin to imagine life with him without the kids. I can’t leave him now or else I will just make life harder for me. But one day I will and I’m sorry everyone here is going through a rough time with their marriages… I’m taking comfort that I’m not alone though. Oh and to the idiot who said marriage is a commitment well.. sometimes you grow apart and even if there is no abuse or affairs why force something that just can’t happen. Passions die and change, it’s life.

  • Mindy

    October 25th, 2015 at 4:08 PM

    You obviously never Truly cared . You should leave

  • Unhappy also

    December 6th, 2015 at 8:25 PM

    I feel the the same way. So tired, sad, unhappy. No communication, date nights nothing. Very sad

  • Becky

    October 24th, 2015 at 5:29 PM

    I am surprised at all the comments. It seems a lot of people are having this problem I have been married for 22 years and have become absolutely miserable. I have told my husband how I feel and he just denies my feelings. It is so frustrating when he says things like, “I am going to lose weight and improve myself” he has said this so many times I just don’t believe him. I don’t even think it would matter at this point because I do not have any attraction for him anymore. I talked to him about moving out and he pours on the guilt trip. I’m starting to feel like the only way to handle this situation is to move far far away. I just wish he would understand instead of dismissing my lack of feelings. It’s almost like I am just going to have to be mean to him for him to get it. I am so frustrated I don’t know what I’m going to do.

  • Nelson

    November 7th, 2015 at 11:57 PM

    Hi, I’ve been married for 17 years and I feel the same way….my husband acts the same as yours about my feelings….I left once and came back because he begged me to come back….but since then I haven’t been feeling him or anything he does….I just know that we are not made to be together because what he wants and I want are two different things so I know what and how you feel

  • V

    October 26th, 2015 at 12:25 AM

    I’m 29, he’s 31, together for eight years, married for just five months. He’s smart, funny, such a hard worker, loves me to distraction and is in general amazing. He’s my best friend. But I’m not in love with him. I don’t think I ever was. I don’t think I’ve ever been in love with anyone. We broke up after 2 years because I couldn’t live the lie anymore, but got back together because I was afraid I’d never find someone as good (in theory) as he was. Planning the wedding was a nightmare because everyone was so invested in making it the best day of my life, but I just didn’t care and couldn’t make decisions. I thought that since we’re such good friends and compatible that we could have a good life, but lately my emotional state has gotten really bad. I cry all the time and can start to feel myself getting depressed. I pray for days when he works late and think of all kinds of excuses not to be around him. I dream about having my own apartment and living by myself. Sex is drudgery, but I think that’s mostly my problem since I’ve never really been a sexual person anyway. I want to have kids, but not with him because they’ll bind me to him when all I want is to go and never look back. I hate myself because he’s such a good guy with so much love to give but I just feel nothing in return. It’s only been a few months since we got married and I don’t know if I should give it a couple years to see if things get better, or cut my losses now. I’m so scared to do it because I know me leaving would destroy him, and I do still care so much about him but not as a husband.

  • Gaynell

    November 3rd, 2015 at 8:03 PM

    I know exactly how you feel. I’ve been married for 18 months and I just want to run away from everything. We only have one life be happy

  • J

    November 9th, 2015 at 4:05 PM

    I feel the same way just got married to such a “nice” guy and I thought I was doing the right thing marrying him. He is a good person and tries so hard to please me and love me but I just get angry at everything he does. He is very immature and I just can’t look at him With much respect as I feel like I’m teaching him about the world. He has an engineering degree so I don’t understand how he is so clueless to life and how to behave. He isn’t unintelligent but he works for his family and was very sheltered so isn’t very independent. I feel awful because I know in the beginning I was in love with him but once I moved in and saw how his parents did so much for him and his mentality about things is just so immature. I’m not the same person I was when we met and I’m just afraid I married someone I didn’t know he was. I really don’t know what to do. I feel awful talking to anyone about it. We talk about it to each other and agreed to see a counselor but I’m just doubtful it will help I don’t know if I can ever respect him or find him attractive again.

  • Mel

    November 20th, 2015 at 11:14 PM

    Wow….this is me!

    I have been married to my husband for 9 years though. He is also an engineer and immature and selfish and was sheltered as a child (I also feel im always teaching him abiut the world and marriage and hiw to be a father) because his mother did everything and enabled him and required nothing. There have been many times that he chose to stand by his mother and put his hand on her shoulder and completely ignore me. When we had our son 2 years into marriage, he was actually jealous of him, a newborn baby!

    You haven’t been married long and I feel I have the same situation as you and can tell you how things played out for us. Maybe it applies to you, maybe not. Well, things never got better for me. He has broke my heart and it’s been 6 years and he still has NO clue what to do. I ask him to date me and he says he doesn’t know how so he wont. Pathetic!!! He still has to be taught everything and I keep falling into doing it. I hate myself every time I find myself going there and lose respect for him everytime. He is absent in his fathering most of the time and emotionally dead in our relationship. I wish you luck but I’m not too optomistic. Those sheltered engineer mama boys are something else entirely! I honestly wish I never married my husband and want out on a weekly basis – usually the weekend when he’s home.

    Definitely go to counseling and let him speak, don’t say one word for him. He needs to learn to grow up. You should be able to tell if he will ever change by hiw he responds to counseling. Just don’t give him a helping hand make him stand up himself- or you will never never know.

  • EVAN

    October 26th, 2015 at 8:28 AM

    V, PLEASE, PLEASE do not have children with this man. Your assessment is right about being bound even more. To tell you the truth, it will destroy him no matter when you decide to tell him. I think you should at least tell him how you feel, this will at least give him a chance to process the situation. It will be up to him as to how he will react to it. I am in his situation right now, except I have children and I doubt I will ever get over it, but at least I have begun the process of dealing with my feelings. Also, do not “give it a couple years” unless you are going to try at 100%. If you cannot do that, just leave now.

  • C

    October 28th, 2015 at 7:44 AM

    My heart goes out to so many of you. I am 42 have been married for 12 years and have a 10 year old daughter who is my world. I a stay at home mom,gs leader,home room mom,and volunteer.
    I hate my husband. He has an anger mgmt problem, and has been jealous of our daughter since she was born. She replaced him in his eyes, as he is an overgrown child. He actually has thrown fits about me loving her more. Pathetic..I know. He is narcissistic in my eyes, and I only stay married to him to protect our daughter.
    He has been physically and emotionally (which does more long term damage) to both of us, and likes to run at my face with a fist when he gets mad. I hate him for all that he has done to us, but I was stupid and did not call the police when he had rages and broke things and hurt us. I thought he has to punch me in the face to be considered a domestic case. He is smart & does not leave marks.
    My daughter wants us to leave him,but we are both terrified that he would get custody or lots of visitation since I have been a stay at home mom and never called the police. I have tons of emails and texts, that prove the abuse and neighbors who would testify to having to protect us at their home when he had very bad rages. No police reports. ..just records from the marriage counselor that we saw after he threatened suicide and left one evening. He walked out of marriage counseling,when the counselor would not agree with how he had treated us.
    I will not risk our daughter being alone with him in a rage,so I stay in a marriage that feels like a ticking time bomb. I honestly hate him for hurting us, and can not forgive him. How do you not lose your mind staying in a dead marriage? I avoid sex because he just makes me want to vomit. Sorry for the long post.

  • Mel

    November 20th, 2015 at 11:39 PM

    You hate your husband…that’s a powerful thing and not easy to overcome. Your daughter wants to leave….that should be all it takes! If you stay and yours and her life is miserable because of it, then she will be angry with you. She trusts you still, don’t let her down. Do you know why she wants to leave? Don’t assume, listen. It’s unusual for children to want to leave their parent. Does she want to leave for herself or for you?

  • Manda

    November 8th, 2015 at 11:52 AM

    I’ve been married 4 year I’m only 23 and have a daughter who is four .my husband anger problem but nothing I can’t deal with but it gets to me also he hard working and great father . why do I feel like I’m not in love I love him but I feel like he’s my best friend/brother and I feel sad a lot and feel bad if I ever told him wanted divorce he would be crushed do I stay unhappy and stay or do I go it so hard

  • Alex

    November 15th, 2015 at 4:54 AM

    Dear Manda, if think you need to talk to a counsellor and tell them how you feel. After that maybe you and your husband can talk with the counsellor. I don’t know your situation in detail but you did mention you have a 4 year old kid and that tells me you guys probably lost that quality time you once had. Do you guys still have that quality time? I think that not having that quality time will turn down the flame or extinguish a lot of relationships. Can you try to go on more date nights, spend quality time together? Your husband anger probably has probably changed your feelings. Hopefully the counsellor can help him too. Take care and I hope everything works out for you.

  • ktang

    November 12th, 2015 at 9:01 PM

    I have been married for 24 years and am experiencing much of the same things as others on this board. I love and care for my husband but am not in love with him. We don’t have sex. When he initiates I usually say no. If I do say yes, it is the same thing over and over again and often at the end I am repulsed by having done it. I am disgusted when I see him naked and turn away when I can. We don’t say much to each other. Conversations are so belabored. Nothing is natural. I sometimes just roll and don’t bother to argue with him because doing so requires me to interact with him. I don’t have an interest in most things he is into. We both work a lot but do have a son. He is always making plans for him and my son knowing they are to do things I have no interest in doing. I spend a lot of time alone. When we do spend time together we ignore each other. He has done some things that have eroded my trust in him. I don’t think I have been able to regain all of it back. I used to implicitly believe he loved me enough to do anything for me and I can trust him with my heart and life but now I don’t. He brought a third person into our lives and when I was going through a health scare he was not there for me. I went to the appointments by myself. Although he was there for this other person worrying about her not having a vehicle, going through issues with her significant other, etc. I am annoyed by every little thing he does from tapping on things all day to the way he drives on the fast lane on the highway knowing that the next exit he wants to take is just 500 yards away to the way he takes five minutes to wiggle and settle into bed each night to his lack of ambition and follow through to his ridiculous humor to his watching of idiotic cartoon comedies. I am not a caretaker and don’t have empathy or compassion when he is sick probably in response to how he treated me when I was sick. I don’t know why I stay. There’s not much joy to find within our relationship other than the longevity of it. Just venting but I can hear and feel and understand the frustration in many of the other posts.

  • Mommyof2

    November 30th, 2015 at 1:15 PM

    Omg!! I get you!!! I do not love my husband!! I don’t want him to touch me!! I hate talking to him!! If he makes a decision its always wrong!! The only thing he’s good for is a pay check!! It’s harsh I know but it’s true!! He gets mad so easily and fast!!from one rxtreme to the other in a matter of seconds!! Yells at our kids with out warning!! I beg God to make me love him!! I wish I did!! I wish I respected him and could rely on him!!! But I know that besides money I can’t!!! I have to make all major decisions my self because if I leave it up to him something will and always goes wrong!! He can’t evenBBQ!! What the heck!!

  • 1 Lostguy

    November 14th, 2015 at 8:56 AM

    IV read alot of comments and for the women who have a good husband and father to their child I believe are just selfish for wanting to leave. I am sure he has given you everything he can to support you financially and emotionally. And if you have told him this and he hasn’t cheated on you you are selfish people fall out off love and back in love all the time. it’s something you have to work for but if are not willing to work for it maybe you are the problem. What makes you think he does not feel the same way but sucks it up and is responsible and doesn’t want to leave you? But he doesn’t he has faith in you and probably given up alot for you to make you happy and put you and the kids before himself. And now since you don’t love him at the moment you are willing to throw it all away? I promise you, you will go through rough spots with who ever you are in a relationship with Even fall in and out of love with them. Might as well do it with the person who has been their who is loyal and who no matter what still loves you at the end of it all instead of something that is uncertain with someone else. You will miss and look for what you gave up in every one else you meet and by then hopefully it’s to late for you and the good person you left found someone who appreciates them for what they do and who they are and you realize how selfish you where for ruining what their was especially if you have kids….

  • Alex

    November 15th, 2015 at 4:31 AM

    Dear ‘1 lost guy’ , I don’t believe that the woman (and the men) are being selfish here. A lot of the people here are hurt, could be confused and want to vent as to how they feel. I think a lot of the people would like to restore that ‘in love’ feeling they once had with their spouse. I also believe that everyone deserves to be happy, shown they are loved by their spouses, and be in a relationship that is fulfilling and satisfying. I do believe that before ending the relationship, if possible and appropriate, couples do exhaust all efforts when there are kids around, such as being honest with how you feel with your spouse, talking to a friend you can trust, using a forum like this website and more importantly, talk to a professional therapist. After giving that all you can, after a reasonable amount of time I think you need to make a decision, to stay or go. I don’t think you should stick it in an unhappy relationship for just for the kids, there has to more. Dear lost guy, if you were that nice guy to your spouse and were hurt by your spouse I am sorry that happened to you. If that was you, there are a lot of people out there and I hope you find happiness again.

  • Marie

    November 27th, 2015 at 6:57 PM

    I have been married for fifteen years, together for 18 years total. We met when I was 17 years old, and I was crazy about him. I feel like the love and desire has been bled out of our marriage. He has ADHD, at the time my love was blind to it until we had twins and I needed to rely on him for help. Major strain. His mother is a total nightmare, she does not respect me and has treated me quite horrible (im not good enough in her eyes and I held him back). He never once stood up for me when she’d be nasty or hurt my feelings. Just said she was crazy and he learned to ignore her. After having kids, he became extremely depressed with the responsibilities of it – the not being able to come and go as he pleased made him snippy with me. I suffered lots of nasty comments/sarcastic funnies at my expense in front of our friends which built up a lot of hurt feelings. He has never really told me how he feels inside, just says “I love you” and its almost robotic. He was the first one I felt comfortable letting my guard down with only to leave me feeling emotionally betrayed by his carelessness and lack of interest. His social life is more exciting to him than having alone time with me – we usually just sit in a room doing seperate things, little conversation (me – computer, him – tv). There is no intimacy. I no longer feel any desire to have sex with him, as feeling like an afterthought to him doesnt actually get me hot and in the mood….I feel like another “thing” of his that he has at his disposal. I was molested as a child, it took a lot for me to let me guard down in the first place – and I feel like ive been emotionally betrayed. Now when he touches me it just makes me want to get away. Ive cried in front of him several times trying to communicate my feelings and needs, it gets me no where with him – he does not return dialogue, just says “he doesnt know what to say and he’s sorry i feel that way.” Im tired of not being heard, he makes me feel like im a crazy person who has too many needs. I realize a lot of this could be due to his ADHD and he may not be able to give me any more than what ive seen, then again how do I know its just not a cop out? I love my little family and dont want to rip it apart. Its sickening, but in spite of feeling like this marriage is dead, I dont want to leave him. He is my best friend, I dont want to lose him, but I fear I cant get those feelings I once had back for him to return – the “In love” feeling. I dont know what to do anymore.

  • gemariah

    November 28th, 2015 at 12:19 AM

    I really need some advice. I am in such a bad situation. I have only been married for fours months but I do not love my husband. I can’t even stand him. I met my husband six years ago we dated for two years he cheated with a closed friend so we broke up. Prior to our break up, I got pregnant three times within the two years. Two ended in abortion because he didn’t want children and I didn’t want to be a single mother. The third one was ectopic and I ended up losing one tube. After years of dating other guys I fell in love one one particular one but he wasn’t ready to settle down. My ex went on and had a child by someone else and he named the child the name we planned to name our child while we were together but he didn’t want children with me. I hated him for that so much. But after everybody talked to me telling me how good..my husband is who was my ex at the time I decided to give it trial. After few months of dating he proposed with a ring he bought with my money. I said yes but wasn’t ready to get married as I was still in love with someone else. But he basically forced me so we got married. Wedding days are supposed to be a girls happiest day but I was miserable. Any way it’s been four months now and I want out of this marriage. But the only thing is that I just found out I’m three weeks pregnant. I don’t want to have a child for this man cause I don’t want to remember him when I leave but then I feel God is giving me my last chance to have a child after so many abortions and a damaged tube. Please help talk some senses into me

  • Lex

    December 7th, 2015 at 1:29 PM

    I have been in your situation i was getting ready to leave my husband after three months of marriage I found out I was pregnant my husband admits he wanted to leave too but stayed Im telling you the feelings will not go away give your baby up for adoption. I was adopted . Seriously im married three years now We still have the problems.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    December 7th, 2015 at 4:21 PM

    Dear Lex,

    Thank you for your comment. We appreciate your contribution to the discussion, and we are sorry to hear of the trouble you are having. The GoodTherapy.org Team is not qualified to offer professional advice, but if you would like to talk to a therapist or counselor, you can search for one using our website.

    To find a therapist in your area, simply enter your ZIP code here:


    You can search for a therapist by specialty using our advanced search here:


    Please know that help is available, and we wish you the best of luck in your search.

    Kind regards,

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • ABC

    November 28th, 2015 at 9:28 PM

    We dated for a year ans now married for two years, my husband started as a very loving, geberous and sweet man and now his true color shows, he runs his mouth all the time, cursed me, belittle me, underestimate me and complain about everything. When I started to fight back it will be a long argument and it made me feel tired and depressed and just to let the negative feeling go away I will say sorry and patched things up with him. This month he got so aggracated with me and assaulted me, pushed me so hard on the wall, grab my hair so hard that my hair was coming out from my scalp, he also strangled me.. but he had a good sense not to kill me because he knows people will come looking for me at the church. What made me real sick is he study the Bible everyday, memorized scriptures and be the best preacher you will meet.. I am financially dependent on him, I cant work cause Im waiting for my working visa here in US. I have nowhere and no one to go back to in my home country I has a very sickly father whom he sends money every month, he made me sign pre nuptial agreement that if I divorced him I will get nothing from him. II cant gather evidence that he is abusing me, no witness no video.. I can consult a lawyer but the reason why I stay is because I am weak and afraid, I am only been here in foreign land for 6 months.. All the love I had for him is gone and now I regret being married to him.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    November 29th, 2015 at 9:15 AM

    Thank you for your comment, ABC. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about domestic violence at https://www.goodtherapy.org/therapy-for-domestic-violence.html and additional information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • James

    December 4th, 2015 at 12:30 AM


    I’ve been together with my wife for 8 years and married for 3 years. I recently realized that I love her, but not in love with her. Everything that has annoyed me about her has finally surfaced and my motivation to harbor those issues is no more. I can’t point my fingers on what made start to feel this way, but truthfully I remember having these random thoughts once and awhile since I’ve known her. I think I married her not particularly for her but because I liked the idea of marriage. I am really cold around her and I tell her I am depressed. I’m seeing a therapist and we are schedule for couples therapy, but are thoughts too far along to save the marriage?

  • Rosie

    December 4th, 2015 at 5:12 PM

    Our story started about twenty years ago… I met my husband, when he was 7 ( I was 4) at his father’s church. I moved and didn’t reconnect with him until 2 years ago. We met, in that same church, and we decided to go out on a date (for the first time). He was handsome, sweet and a great listener. Fastfoward to October 2013, we’re pregnant and looking for apartments. December 2013: we move in together
    June 2, 2014: engagement
    June 20, 2014: daughter born
    December 2014: married
    Now, here I am hating this marriage. I’m a stay at home mom and I love being by myself. We haven’r had sex in 3 months and it doesn’t bother me. He tries to initiate sex, but I’m not interested. We don’t communicate very well, I really don’t care to talk to him very much, with exception of pleasantries and about our daughter. My family adores him. His family has always been very unpleasant to me. They don’t care to be involved in our daughter’s life (including his mother). I’m sure I loved him at some point. He works and takes care of all our financial needs. I think I married him because I didn’t want a broken home for my daughter. He’s the father of my child and I respect him. He’s stepped up to the plate and taken on this responsibility. Reality made me accept the proposal, love did not.
    I just don’t know why I feel this way… I don’t like being around him. I’m not attracted to him. I guess I stick this out for 17 more years…..

  • rc

    December 26th, 2015 at 7:10 PM

    Please leave him now before it’s too late for you and him both

  • Tina

    December 16th, 2015 at 10:32 AM

    I have a very nice husband who is a hard worker. He has never abused me or even talked down to me. We have been married for 27 years and for 27 years I have asked him to please try to connect with me on a spiritual level. I have always wanted to feel closer. He has been saying for 27 years, I promise I will try. : ) I don’t think it’s going to happen.
    We have raised three wonderful kids 21,23,26. My husband says that the notion of having someone who is like a twin flame or two hearts beating as one, is a fantasy. He said that it’s not real and only a fairy tail in my mind.
    My husband was drinking and was diagnosed with pancreatitis over 4 years ago and never went back to the doctor. He was drinking a bottle of vodka a night! I just found this out as he said he was hiding it from me. I told him that I was leaving him because of the drinking. I really thought he was going to die and didn’t want to be around. I started talking to an old flame from 30 years ago and enjoy it so much. We were so connected when we were young and still are.
    I tell my husband I’m leaving have it all set in my mind, then he stops drinking! I mean for 4 years straight he drank, then gave it up! He had withdrawals like crazy. He quit his job! How could I leave him like that? I had moved out of our bedroom a year ago, and have my own space which is so colorful and nice. It makes me happy just being in this room. I feel safe here in this room. I hardly ever come out. The trouble is I am starting to really get depressed at a time when I should be happy. I mean husband has stopped drinking and is going to the gym every day. He got a new better job that I helped him get. He looks better than he looked before we were married. I still am not attracted to him. I haven’t deeply kissed him in over 10 years. It feels wrong and I hate it when he tries. What is wrong with me? He has cheated on me when my kids were very young and it took a while to get over, but I did. He cheated with a young 23 yr. old, but I got past it. I am now feeling that I’m in my 50’s and do not want to spend the rest of my life feeling alone. I am the kind of person who always wants to talk about feelings, but my husband does not like talking about feelings. I guess most men don’t! My old flame from 30 years ago is single, and he has always loved me. I mean this guy will fly to the moon for me, and always was that way. When I was young I saw it as a weakness, and broke it off after 2 years of living together. He said I didn’t break his heart ” I tore it out of his chest”. I don’t want to get back with him right away, but I’d like to be on my own to at least try to date. The guilt of leaving my husband is overwhelming and my heart feels like it’s in my throat. We have both agreed to separate. I feel like my unhappiness has caused everyone in the house to be depressed! I swear that’s true. My daughter’s say that seeing me so down all the time brings them down. They said that I should have left dad when he cheated all those years ago. Arggggg what to do what to do!

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    December 16th, 2015 at 3:17 PM

    Dear Tina,

    We saw your comment and wanted to thank you for sharing. The GoodTherapy.org Team is not qualified to offer professional advice, but if you would like to discuss this, or any other concern, with a therapist or counselor, you can locate one in your area by using our website.

    To get a list of mental health professionals in your area, simply enter your ZIP code here:


    Please know you are not alone, and we wish you the best of luck in finding the answers you are looking for.

    Kind regards,

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Beth

    December 20th, 2015 at 8:49 PM

    Tina, if there’s a chance at happiness with your old flame, why not trying it? You’re clearly not happy with your husband-at meat with the old flame, you have a chance to have the type of love you’ve always wanted. Isn’t life too short to live in fear. You’ll know when the time is right but my advice is to choose happiness.

  • Sarah

    December 25th, 2015 at 4:35 AM

    I’ve been with my husband for 18 years! I don’t think I love him anymore but he is deeply in love with me… I have a little girl with him. I no longer have any desire for him. Sex is a nightmare. I am an attractive woman and everywhere I go I get lots of attentions. I am in a very difficult situation. One side, I have a family who loves me and the other side I have myself who is not happy.
    I do need help, should I stay or go?

  • angel

    December 27th, 2015 at 7:36 PM

    People I’m going to tell you, thia is for the ones that don’t know about love, there are stages of love, when the butterflies and the inlove stage go away, real love is next you might not be attracted to them anymore and you might not can’t stand them, you learn to love there flaws and to know if its true love, when they are away from you you miss them like crazy… I’m telling you the inlove phase don’t last forever, so if you find someone new its going to end up the same as your last relationship, if you have a good one better hold on to it….

  • Darian

    December 29th, 2015 at 6:43 AM

    Everyone I need help I am 22 years old. I got married to my husband who is 32 when I was 20 its been two years. I love this man so much and will do anything for him. Somehow the chemistry isn’t there anymore. We have argued so many times in the past that it made me not even want him anymore I get I am wrong for most of it because my attitude I called him a b#%$$ which was very wrong but he then said he hopes I die and he has a baby mother aka 4 kids with her and said that he misses her. I know he was just mad which he said it but now I am completely turned off. I have a friend that I’ve been friends with for a while that I have feelings for and I know its wrong but it just happend and my friend wants to be serious with me and settle down and I feel that me and him could have something great he already respects me now so imagine if we were together I am afraid to leave my husband who honestly is a great hard working man to be with someone else and I end up looking stupid I don’t trust men and I dont know what to believe. Should I stay with my husband and be unhappy and just continue loving him or should I try to build something with my friend and see where that goes? Because my friend and I have a lot of chemistry and things in common please help!

  • Road to hell is paved with good intentions

    December 29th, 2015 at 9:44 AM

    My advice here is to discipline yourself into focusing on your situation with your husband and forget about the “chemistry” with you friend. The friend is an outer influence and not relevant to your marriage, which is a choice and responsibility you chose for yourself. You know what is right and what is wrong. Every marriage has a rough patch and people tend to express themselves in different ways seeking attention. Hang in there and remember marriage is for the long haul- not for another person to make you “feel” a different way. The chemistry is basic human nature and should be avoided not considered.

  • TapDancer

    December 29th, 2015 at 4:46 PM

    Married for 5yrs, been together for 10. With a 10yr old. Started out rocky. We were pregnant after 3 months of knowing each other. He denied being the father and his family forced me to do 2 paternity tests. After it being proven that he was the father he started to step up. But we didnt get back together until about a year and half after our child was born. I had no desire to get back with him because of hurt feelings. Crazy as it sounds, God spoke to me and told me to give him one more chance. I struggled with that but after seeing his advancements as a father, I decided it was what was best. Since then we have had some major ups and downs but I noticed after about a year and a half after living together and getting engaged that we really didn’t have much in common and that the sex was dull. I talked to holim about it and the results of that was that he was happy and didn’t feel like things needed to change. I kinda just left it alone until I discovered he was looking up a certain type of person on a porb web site. I confronted him on the fact that he only looks up “big black woman” when it comes to porn and he denies it even though I have shown hom the search history lol i told him that he deserves to be who he is attracted to but he just insisted that he was attracted to me. Ever since then I have lost interest in him. The fact that he lied to my face after proof and then continued to look up only BBW porn sites years after our convo just urks me! I’m lost in what I should do becaise we do have a child, we both work together and we just signed a 17 month lease,after which he is talking about purchasing a home. I feel like I have let this go to far already but I don’t know what to do

  • TapDancer

    December 30th, 2015 at 9:09 PM

    Does anyone have any advice?

  • Lost

    December 31st, 2015 at 12:20 PM

    TapDancer…After 63 years of life and 44 years of marriage, the only advice I can offer you is……Follow your Instinct…! Good luck..x

  • jason

    January 3rd, 2016 at 9:20 AM

    My wife blindsided me with the divorce request. This is the worst thing you can do to your husband. A response unhappeness in marraige should be to talk to your spouse about it. Blindsiding just shows how you have no respect for him and have no respect for the marraige. No one deserves that after many years of hard work at the relationship. Blindsiding is a selfish, cheap move. One can only hope if anyone takes this option that it back fires and he ends up happier than you.

  • Jeni

    January 5th, 2016 at 11:08 AM

    It depends on the man. I have tried multiple times to let my husband know my feelings. We’ve been married 15 years. I know it’s over for me for many reasons. I’ve told him I want a divorce and the reasons. I’ve been as adult and civil as possible. His behavior, however; has been immature and almost violent. I am cussed at and threatened then he apologizes and says how much he loves me. So, I am going to have no choice but to serve him without warning because of his behavior toward me when I try to talk about it like an adult.

  • Graeme

    January 3rd, 2016 at 9:53 AM

    We have no children. I’m 58 my wife is 54. She says she loves me, but she’s not IN LOVE with me. She had a crush on me when we were kids at a private tennis club. My parents were friends with her dad. Her parents divorced when she was a young girl. I don’t know why she doesn’t love me anymore. We’ve seen each other since we were children

  • Road to hell is paved with good intentions

    January 3rd, 2016 at 7:13 PM

    Hang in there. Sometimes it is the woman who goes thru the “midlife crisis”. A lot of times people are confused or say things for attention.

  • Amy

    January 4th, 2016 at 5:33 PM

    married 48 years and the only thing we have in common is our marriage license and large piece of property. We aren’t even room mates. Shortly after we were married things went down hill and it’s still going down hill. I wanted a nice family, all he wanted, I really don’t know what he wanted. We had sex once he never slept with me, always hated sex and intimacy, we haven’t talked in years, I live in the house and he lives in an out building that he made into an apartment thing. He always worked mid nights so he was never around and all weekends holiday’s. Never was at any occasions like christmas, he never even showed up when our parent’s passed on. I don’t know why I hung around, maybe I thought things might change no such luck. he is a very lonely person, no interest in other people, not gay or have a little slut on the side. I’m to old to care any more and never really had a life that had any rewards

  • Confused 1988

    January 4th, 2016 at 10:38 PM

    I’ve been married for 4 months…My husband is a great man he is a great security net for me. Lately I haven’t been feeling the connection. .a month ago I started back txting my ex..we never got a chance to go far because I blew him off to get married. I miss him I think about him daily and I wanna be with him. I haven’t told him that I am married..i told my husband that I’m not in love with him because he doesn’t notice me or pays me any attention. .i don’t wanna be a fool or lose something good.i just wanna be happy. We have a child together and my husband says he loves me and will do better but he never does…is paying the bills enough? ? Please help on advice I’m confused and lose and prayer is making me stress

  • Disillusioned

    January 5th, 2016 at 11:05 AM

    Met a man fell madly in love. Also fell pregnant not long into the relationship. He asked me to keep the baby and he would support us and be there for us. I was young panicked and freaked out. On birth control so did not expect it. I knew he had issues with a previous relationship and an abortion was the catalyst for separation in that relationship so he did not want a repeat. He also did not want us to have any regrets in having an abortion if our relationship lasted. So I find myself married to a long term pot smoker for nearly 20 years. I knew he like a lot of friends smoked socially. But his use is now antisocial. So I ai am Working FT to suport our family while he cruises through life. Lucky if he as held a steady job for half of our marriage. This has led to a host of problems and I think I fell out of love on my wedding day but that is another story. Don’t think I have loved him for years and pretty much told him that. Have asked him to move out on several occassions and he won’t. Tells me I am throwing away years of happy memories!, happy for whom? All I do is wish my life away. Our daughter is on the cusp of adulthood and I don’t have many memories of her growing up to cherish due to working FT and long hours and the stress of having to support the family and the depression of feeling my life and marriage are a sham. I have often thought of death … His not mine as I am not homicidal or suicidal but when he is stupidly out on the roads and he has been smoking And is driving long distance on Social trips on his own that is, I often think it would be best if he just came off the road and ended up smack bang face to face with a power pole. I hate myself for having these thoughts. I also hate the fact that I don’t think I would care. Every time I give him another chance to get his act together he just lets me down. He is a good father to our daughter, a loyal friend to his friends but a hopeless case of a husband and provider. Next problem is he spends more than I am earning so we are going backwards financially. Ther rare work he has had he still keeps half the money to himself. The only way he can get a job is if I get him one as he is not proactive about looking for work either. I often come home to find him passed out on the sofa or in bed. It is obviously a hard life getting stoned most days ! If I don’t yell or scream nothing gets done around the place. On the rare occassions He does something proactively he expects a medal!And dont go there with sex. Not sure when we last had a meaningful encounter. It is all about him. If the job is done and dusted that is all that matters. Does not matter that I am left unfullfilled. I have as a result of these multitude of issues harboured A LOT of anger and resentment towards him over the years. Most of the time I keep my feelings under check. most of the time but lately I have been flying off the handle at the slightest thing … I threw things and broke things and cannot even now recall what set me off the other day! I hate myself and I hate him for making me a bitter woman. More So I am devastated to have my daughter tell me she is scared of me and is presently not speaking to me. She thinks her father is a God! he can do no wrong in her eyes and I am the Biach. I have asked my husband to seek help over the years and he won’t as he does not think he has a problem. He also thinks he knows better than any counsellor! I forgot to mention he is exceptionally inteligent and well educated but wasting his life. As a last resort to help myself I am going to see someone on my own. He also declined to take on couples counselling when I suggested it in the past. Thanks for reading. I don’t expect responses but this forum makes me feel less alone. ps if he was not a pot smoker our life would be very different. We used to communicatebut now there is only silence or bickering and day to day going through the motions. Very sad and pathetic existence. I really hope counselling will help me but I am concerned it is all too little to late.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    January 5th, 2016 at 12:02 PM

    Dear Disillusioned,

    Thank you for sharing your story. If you have not found a therapist yet, we encourage you to return to our homepage, https://www.goodtherapy.org/, and enter your zip code into the search field to find therapists in your area.

    Once you enter your information, you’ll be directed to a list of therapists and counselors who meet your criteria. From this list you can click to view our members’ full profiles and contact the therapists themselves for more information. You are also welcome to call us for assistance finding a therapist. We are in the office Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Pacific Time; our phone number is 888-563-2112 ext. 1.

    Kind regards,

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Genie

    January 24th, 2016 at 12:28 AM

    Honey, you are young! Kick his ass out but don’t be surprised if you have to pay alimony. It you must leave in the night with just a suitcase. Make sure to cancel any credit cards that he has joint with you. For God’s sake, why would you ever have his name on your credit cards anyway?! If you are able, move to a part of the country he has never heard of and keep it a big secret. Start a wonderful life that does not include him. What is your deal? Are you trying to save him? Forget him and live for you and your daughter. You still have lots of years to do things that make you happy. Good luck!

  • Lost&heartbroken

    January 9th, 2016 at 6:40 AM

    My husband and I met when we were in high school (16 and 17 years old) and we began dating and fell quickly for one another. I never wanted to label us a “high school sweethearts” and I knew that once we both went to college, we would explore our options and see how our relationship progressed. After a few years dating (each other) in college, we moved in together and got married at 22 and began our life in a new city together. The first 8 years of our marriage were everything and more. We traveled, enjoyed going out and generally had an amazing time together. I was married to my best friend and thanked God everyday that I found the love of my life. We got to grow up together- to be with each other in difficult and easy times and had a great spark and intimacy. With his job’s demands, he began staying at work longer and going out with coworkers more while I stayed at home. This caused a bump in our marriage because I was ready for the next step (planning a family) and he wanted nothing of the sort. Flash forward to last November when he tells me that he doesn’t know what he wants and moves out of our house. I was crushed and confused and struggled for months with his behavior and decision. I went through his wallet, email, credit card bills, etc to see if he was seeing someone else. I came up with nothing. He moved back in a year ago and it’s been really tough. He says we’ve grown apart and doesn’t want to be married anymore. I am devastated because I do not feel the same way he does. I imagine our life together and he does not but he cannot tell me why it changed.
    I feel unwanted and rejected and completely lost. I practically went from being in the care of my parents to having a supportive, loving man taking care of me. I’m afraid because I’ve never been on my own. I don’t take care of the bills or even do the laundry and I find myself in my mid 30’s unsure of the life ahead of me. Every fiber of me is against a divorce and I so want us to be together. I cannot accept his reason and want to know more. He swears that there is no one else and that he just can’t be married to me anymore. Other things have been going on in his life as well (he stopped talking to family) and I’m wondering if there’s more to this. When do I tell myself just to let it go? How will I get beyond this? How can I trust that I will have faith in my next relationship? I honestly believed I would never have to worry about divorce and thought that we would be in love forever. What makes it worse is that when I break down, he holds me and says, “I’m here, I’m here” but he’s not going to be. He tells me he still loves me and he’s so sorry. He doesn’t understand that he can’t do both- you cannot be there for me through a divorce that I don’t want. It’s putting me through hell. I’m a mess and at a loss for steps to take. Any advice would be helpful. I’ve been seeing a therapist but I just can’t seem to understand that this is the end of us.

  • Genie

    January 24th, 2016 at 12:17 AM

    The sad truth is he already has someone else. As soon as he started spending more time with coworkers he was already looking for someone else. You will need to scream and cry and get rid of him as fast as possible. Thank God you do not share a child with this a******. You need to move on fast. Plan on being happy, really happy three years from now. It will take work but the sooner you get started the sooner you will be happy.

  • han

    January 12th, 2016 at 9:10 PM

    After years of marriage – yes boring. Appreciate, enjoy your interests & try to enjoy his.
    Believe me – there is no lasting anything.
    71. Listen. Married 1966.

  • Genie

    January 24th, 2016 at 12:12 AM

    The real kicker is he probably feels the same way and when he has that affair and leaves you 5 or 10 years from now you will get to live with regret, resentment and anger (at yourself mostly) for settling for so little. Also, your retirement savings will be cut in half. If you have needs that aren’t being met assume he may feel the same way. Talk the hell out of the subject, get help, whatever. Then when he dumps you because “he just found the only woman in the world he can really talk to” you won’t have to be anger at yourself for letting it slide. Been there- age 66 when the bomb dropped.

  • BurnedOut

    February 3rd, 2016 at 9:09 PM

    I’m not married, just living with someone. He used to adore me but after our kid was born, he changed. A lot. Maybe its because he became a househusband. He is irritated at the smallest things. I want to leave but we just bought a house together and I feel that I would be betraying my kid if I leave.

  • Jen

    February 7th, 2016 at 11:46 AM

    I am here trying to understand the problem that my young friend is going through. She wants to leave her husband after 12 years together. I am myself is happily married for 39 years. I was reading many comments here on how one partner loses feelings for another and I was compelled to share my two cents. The problem I see is with the current society and accepted belief that feeling is all that matters. Feelings will come and go, feelings will be affected by action, circumstances and choices we make. If one makes a decision based on feeling, it will FEEL like a right decision at the moment. That is until reality sets in. Or when he/she finds more feelings to find comfort in, which all ultimately end the same way. This is a life lesson some people will never learn. Love is a also a feeling, the one you can lose or get back depending on the actions you take.
    Ask any couple who stayed together for long years. A large number have questioned if they are with the right person, sometimes many times in life. I indeed did so. However we made a choice to work it out. It required respect, mutual acceptance and commitment on both sides. It required communication, forgiveness and trust. These are the qualities that define how long the marriage will last and if both of you are willing to cultivate them, the troubles will pass. You might say you or your partner do not have them. You might say some of these were absent from your marriage. Then this is where you start. You learn these qualities. If you ever want to have happy marriage, you will have to put in the effort. It is your choice if it is with you current partner or not. Not every partner will be willing to take on the hard road. Happiness is something you make. Listen to your feelings as they are the compass in the relationship, but do not let them to steer the ship.

  • Alexia

    February 7th, 2016 at 2:33 PM

    Jen……….You are one wise lady….x

  • Kristi

    February 8th, 2016 at 2:10 PM

    I am so done with my hubby and he is so unattractive to me I just do not love him anymore

  • Omay

    February 10th, 2016 at 12:38 PM

    ive been reading a lot and the majority of todays reasons are “If you are unhappy then just leave.!” my sister is thinking about leaving her husband of 6 years and they have 2 kids. She says she doesnt love him anymore and she just cant feel anything for him anymore. She tells me that she isnt happy. You know what I tell HER!? I said I love you but Imma give you the truth, “THE GRASS is never greener on the other side, and EVERY RELATIONSHIP TAKES WORK! enough with what society and everyone of todays culture be saying leave if your unhappy. There comes a time in our life WHEN YOU HAVE TO SACRIFICE YOUR FEELINGS FOR OTHERS…in this case…its your KIDS!? They deserve with all their life parents! they deserve a family. Just cause you dont feel like you u have no more feelings give you no right to leave. How you gon try to make yourself happy but yet break your kids hearts, your husbands hearts? You think happy is to make you feel good and others dont? whats the benefits of that? today in our culture in the western culture taht is, we make quitting too easy!! Fight for your marriage and your kids, its worth it and stop listening to these voices that say, follow your feelings because your feelings are always in and out! its doing the right thing, its knowing that your family is worth fighting for. ”

    Now for those that say “well there are reasons” well i understand like if your husband cheats on you or abuses you then I can see why u leave but just cause you dont feel like loving him anymore!???!??!? shaking my head for this generation.
    Jen I agree with you! thank you.


  • IwishIneverMether

    August 9th, 2016 at 6:42 PM

    Thanks for your comment Omay,
    You’ve restored my faith that maybe there are a few good women left in the world.

  • Omay

    February 10th, 2016 at 12:53 PM

    it seems like your husband just has an addiction like anyone can have an addiction for, for ex: smokes, drugs, alcohol, and of course obviously what you mention porn. but with porn the problem is that it can change his mind to where he desires someone like it. He needs counseling in my case. just talk to him about it and get him to counseling or maybe he needs church. lol It could be that your husband loves you and can never leave you and wants only you but addictions can get in the way.

    my opinion.

  • prue

    February 14th, 2016 at 6:58 PM

    I dont know what to do . Been with spouse for 21 years I was madly inlove with him to the point of sacrificing everything in life that would make me happy .for about 10 or so years l dont blame him as I never expressed my thoughts I was willing to follow his road and the more I followed I started to realise little things like I found myself eating only what he likes going places only he likes he was socializing while I was just sitting there .I was always dominated by his family , he didnt want to spend money on things like engagement s or weddings so yes 20 years on not married we have children since having kids ive changed I realize im their role model they look up to me I have to be more confident more sure of myself for my kids thats when everything is going down hill .I find hes not liking me speaking up im not allowed to make financial decisions hes so controlling its unbelievable to the point where he comes across as a very selfish self absorbed person .I have told him how I feel for the last 10 yrs he doesnt want to acknowledge any sort or behavior we are still following his road but he alway s say he depressd I take care of all household chores which involves mowing lawn washing cars painting theres nothing he needs to do but his own enjoyment and going to work . Am I being selfish for falling out of love for him as it dont take much to me make me happy .im not the type that needs diamonds or firts class service and I believe you shouldn’t have to asked to be treated a certain way .If they truly care about you it should come from the heart and yes I have told him that but he thinks I must watch too much movies as reationships like that don’t exist.

  • Jen

    February 15th, 2016 at 4:32 PM

    Prue, I am so sorry to hear that your husband is not being responsive to your needs and it would be normal to start loosing love for the other person in such situation. It also appears that you two established such dynamics between yourselves that put him in control of a lot of decisions. It will not be easy for him accept the change that you want without you being assertive about it. Not in needy way, but in clear statements of what you think is causing the problem. I do believe you should ask him to treat you in certain way. Men especially have hard time seeing that they are not providing the emotional support that women need. You need to dedicate specific time and talk to him, one on one, without any distraction. You need to be as clear as possible about how you FEEL and what you THINK. Maybe you will have to talk multiple times. You might want to consider therapy to help the two of you open up. There are plenty of books on relationships as well. Both of you most likely still deeply care for each other and acknowledging the problem will help start the process of fixing it. If he does not want to lose you, he will make the effort to change. I don’t encourage threatening him, but you might want to do it as a last resort. You will have to work on yourself as well. Once you start seeing positive changes, your love will slowly restore. Easy way out will not make you happier, ignoring the problems will not make the difference, but facing them with courage and resolve will. Relationships do not run just on love and not all actions have to come from the heart, which sometimes have to rise from a pure commitment.

  • Helpme

    February 15th, 2016 at 9:35 PM

    This being weighing heavy on my mind. I’m going to be honest as possible and would like to know what would you do if you were me?
    14 years and not married but yes it’s true. I always pushed off marriage of course using the excuse money or we will soon let me finish focusing on getting my music career off the ground. I met my girlfriend in 8th grade and we was best friends and started being boyfriend girlfriend in 10th grade when we was about 15 or 16. She was my first real girlfriend and I always said we will be together and even used to say we going to marry and have kids.

    I never had another girlfriend ever and through highschool and college I never been faithful or committed it was always randoms. Finally after collage we both was 20 and still young and even though we was bf/gf we wasn’t planning on having kids but it happend she got pregnant. At first I didn’t want a child because I was so young and wasn’t ready and was living a wild life. After speaking to my best friend I got my mind right and stepped up. We moved in together and finished college me with a computer networking degree and she with a masters degree.

    We begin raising our daughter but even then during the pregnancy I was still cheating and not taking our relationship serious but focus on my music career and begin managing a artist. Years and years I been cheating and now we just had my son 2 years ago. She is a great loving caring woman and will do anything for me. She really don’t have any flaws. We have fun and get along. I have been caught cheating kinda in the past never in the action but more or less random text or pics ect. She always forgave me and I find better ways of hiding stuff and as technology grew I used seperate phone apps and adjusted.

    I know what I am doing is wrong but now I done got myself in a sticky situation. 99.99% of the time when I cheat I never ever let my feelings get involved but this time things got crazy. I knew of this person for about 3 years we were cool friends she knew I liked her and she liked me but she knew I was in a relationship and didn’t make any advances. Well 2015 came and we spoke and begin texting each other. We became really close fast because of the history and one thing led to another we had sex. Of course sex was good and I thought that sex was the only thing we was going to have and would remain you know cool friends.
    Well that didn’t happen our connection grew very deep to the point we have a physical and emotional connection! I actually love and care for her with a passion. I’m basically living a double life because I see her 3-4 days out the week and I spend the night with her once or twice every two weeks. This now has been going on for a year. I don’t involve myself with other woman just my girlfriend and their other woman. My current girlfriend been asking for marriage for years but even before I started this affair even though I’m not married I never had the urge or the deep feeling of wanting to marry my GF. Yea I know I said i would in 8th grade and highschool but I don’t have that same feeling now as an adult and even at the age of 31.

    I just don’t see myself saying I do and committing to her. I feel so bad cuz she been with me through thick and thin and finally my music career has taken off and I manage a artist who is about to be signed here soon. So she looking forward to the glam life. I know if we didn’t have kids I would have been gone and more than likely she would have wanted to leave as well because im no saint and do have attitude problems sometimes when things don’t go my way. I love and care for her because she the mother of my children and she is a great woman. But I know I am not in love with her and don’t know if I have ever been in like a deep loving emotions connection.

    She have said I have till 2017 to pop the question or this is it. She such an emotional person where I’m not man enough to break things off. And yes the kids play a huge role because I love them so much the thought of not coming home to them hurts because I am such a hands on dad! I know I will still be there for them financially and physically and would go to the extreme to make sure I see my kids everyday! Even if I had to take and pick them up from school and set up co parenting… but the part of not tucking them in bed and waking up to them is a hard one. The thought of my kids possibly haiting me for leaving there mother scares me as well. The feeling of not knowing is crazy on the brain.

    I know its selfish to be thinking about leaving my girlfriend because I have met someone who I feel I have a deeper connection emotionally and physically to. And no it’s not about the sex it’s not lust because sex is also great with my girlfriend. It’s just I don’t have that deep emotional connection. This the first time where not saying I won’t ever cheat again because my lifestyle in the music biz I am around some amazing woman. But I feel with this other woman I wouldn’t have to cheat. I actually can see my self with her for the long haul and finally settling down. I been a dog all my life I just want to be happy. What would you do the crazy part is even before this other woman I always felt deep down inside I wish I was single. Tell me your thoughts?

  • Unknown

    March 9th, 2016 at 3:59 AM

    Hi please help me.
    I don’t feel like I love my husband anymore. I feel like I could deserve better. We have a daughter I was pregnant with her when I was finishing my last year of school. Before she was born we had a lot of fights and even when I was pregnant. He does not do anything nice for me when i get home he goes through my phone to see what is going on, but when I wanted to go on his he said his data is finished and i also seen he changed his password…
    My husband has he own company he takes the deposit money by the clients and at times he doesn’t even show up to do the work. I can’t even remember how many people laid charges against him because there is a lot and they phone me at work and keep on asking for him. I recently find out he lied about where we stay.
    I did tell him that i can’t take it anymore that people asking back there money and i really don’t even earn that much to pay that back. He also keeps on telling me i need to ask my father to help us with money and i am getting sick of it because he can’t even look after us. He never has money and he always makes promises and breaks them. There is things that needs to be fixed in the house for almost a year and it is still not fixed today. We live on a farm and there is times the gate is left open then i ask him please would you go and close the gate the he even has excuses then I need to do it.
    There is mornings that I am busy helping my daughter to get ready for school and ask him to pack the lunch then he just says no to me.
    He does not help me in the house when I ask him he is just always sitting on the couch.
    When we got married it was not by choice he told me that I need to leave the office early and go to church. He told me if we don’t get married he will not have anywhere to stay. Stupid of me I should have left him that time.
    That time he also just use the clients’ money before he could deliver the cattle.
    It is also hard for me to teach my daughter the right ways, because he always tell her to tell me to shut up and showing me wrong hard signs.
    People I am not the person I was before I am unhappy and can’t take the pain anymore.
    Please help me what must I do I want to get out and be happy again. There is more things that happened in my life that I did not put on.
    I am only turning 24 this year and can’t even have a girls night and i seen my friends 6years back…

  • Jesse

    March 10th, 2016 at 2:27 PM

    Hi there ladies I have also feelings with my husband I don’t love him I told him so many times that I don’t like him the reason is I am married him for last 10years but I found him alcoholic when he came here in Canada for sure he is hardworking person at work but not at home .he is also good father of my two children of 5 & 3 ..but his habbit of drinking making me crazy I almost cried for that movement when he drank heavily I am crying for last 7 years I don’t like to have sex with him cause I don’t like his mouth smell but the reason I am living with him is my children whenever he drinks heavily I feel like moving from him right way but helpless he also say that you can’t go anywhere cause you don’t have financial security cause I am full time mother plz suggest me what should I do I am already so depressed with this relationship

  • Road to hell is paved with good intentions

    March 10th, 2016 at 3:03 PM

    He is financially responsible for you and the children whether you are married or divorced. Go see a lawyer- he has to pay for that, too.

  • Jesse

    March 10th, 2016 at 5:40 PM

    Hello friend thanx for the information but what about if he doesn’t work or work less then he will be out from our financial burden l am just keep worrying on that cause he is not doesn’t like to do work either

  • RSR

    April 6th, 2016 at 12:02 PM

    This is in response to Helpme but, I also need a bit of advise,
    To Helpme,
    If I were you I would tell her. You are hurting your girlfriend more by continuing to cheat and not commit to her. Telling her the truth may hurt her now but, it means she will have the chance to move on and find someone new. Someone that will want to commit to her fully. If you were my boyfriend, I would prefer the truth in the long run, rather than the pretty little lies.

    I love my husband but I am not sure if I am IN love with him anymore. I have tried to talk to him about it but, all I get is ‘we will never get divorced’ and ‘no one else would put up with either of us’. Then he says that he loves me more everyday but in a way that is slightly joking.
    I don’t know what to do. I have no family of my own to turn to and my friends are also his friends. So there isn’t anyone who might be able to give me some advise.
    We have been together 11 years and married almost 8. I have this strong feeling that we are more close friends than husband and wife and that I am missing something. I don’t want to be with anyone else, I just want us both to be happy.
    I am trying to make it work, I am just not sure it will work. We have been through so much together, I just don’t think we can get through this.
    If anyone can offer me advise I would be grateful.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    April 6th, 2016 at 3:18 PM

    Dear RSR,

    Thank you for your comment. The GoodTherapy.org Team is not qualified to offer professional advice, but we encourage you to reach out. A therapist or counselor can offer support and help you address these questions, and you might also find it helpful to visit a couples counselor with your husband.

    You can locate a professional in your area by entering your ZIP code here:

    Please know you are not alone. Help is available, and we wish you the best of luck in your search.

    Kind regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Daniel N.

    April 12th, 2016 at 6:08 AM

    Maybe it’s time for polyamory.

  • Jim

    May 19th, 2016 at 1:54 PM

    So many of these commenters use horrible grammar and spelling.. It’s no wonder they’re not happy. Maybe if they got an education first before jumping into a marriage and having kids, they’d have made better relationship choices? Doh!

  • Lost

    May 20th, 2016 at 12:13 PM

    ….Jim….I beg your pardon…But I don’t think bad grammar and bad spelling has any bearing on how a relationship develops…..!

  • JTapia

    June 29th, 2016 at 2:04 PM

    So, I’m in need of some advice. I have been with my husband for going on 17 years and been married for almost 1 year. We have an 9 years old son. I am getting tired of getting put down and so much emotional abuse. It is hard for me to be around my husband, don’t get me wrong I love him but, I’m not at all attracted to him. The way he’s talked down to me telling me I’m stupid and that I can’t do anything right it gets to me. Then I start doubting myself asking if he is right. I can’t go see my mom or family with having a time limit on when to be home. He calls my phone every minute to see what I’m doing. With money I’m a fulltime student bring in $1,000 a month and I have to place it into our joint account, but I can’t spend any of it without calling him to let him know what I’m buying, I also have to have receipts for what I spend. I cook, clean and do his laundry and no appreciation at all. He provides for us and put food on the table, he works hard. I think I’d like to leave him but HOW DO I TELL HIM?

  • Rebecca

    June 30th, 2016 at 1:07 AM

    Dear JTapia,
    First off, never let anyone tell you, you are not good enough. You are perfect just the way you are. I know its hard to push past the negativity and keep going, it may be a trite phrase but ‘you can’t let it get to you’.
    If you are not happy and receiving abuse of any kind your son will be aware of, which will make things harder for you.
    You need to talk to your family and tell them what is happening, so that they can help you and support you. You will be surprised how much stress that alone will release.
    The only way to tell him is to actually tell him, is to say the words to him (to his face with someone you trust next to you or by phone once you have left if your concerned he may become very abusive). If your scared he will not let you leave then I would advise telling him once you have somewhere to go, so that you and your son are out of the house as soon as you tell him. Make sure that they both understand that they will continue to have a relationship and see each other regularly.
    It’s never easy at the best of times to tell someone that you want out of a relationship. You should never stay just because, it’s not fair to anyone and it puts pressure on the relationship. If it really isn’t working and there isn’t anyway to fix it, then leaving is the final solution is to leave.
    Good luck to you I wish you all the best.

  • Lissa

    June 30th, 2016 at 3:16 AM

    Hi JTapia,
    I would like to start by saying I really feel for you.
    Just remember you are not alone in your struggle. Plenty of men and women are.Yes,men also suffer emotional abuse.I am a woman by the way.
    Anyway,I would like to give you my two cents.
    I have been with my husband for 12 years.Before him I was dating what I now know was a wonderful guy but missed something. That something I found in my now husband.Even though I did not know what it was I know now. I missed someone who would control me.And before you start bashing me for this,let me explain. I grew up with controlling parents.My mum emotional abused me and my father was very controlling towards my mum.So she would take it on me.As a result I grew up not knowing what a healthy relationship between two people was.Fast forward to years later I ended up finding someone to emotional abuse me again.That’s what felt safe.
    My husband was wrong for his behaviour for sure.He did everything your husband does.
    But what happens in these sort of relationship is that we as wives dedicate all our life to the abusers.We don’t have healthy boundaries and think little of ourselves,so much low self esteem make us behave as doormats.And although we cannot control their behaviour ,we can control ours.We can control the way we react to their behaviour.
    Ask yourself what would happen if instead of accepting all his requests you tell him no.Why do you expect him to take care of you when you don’t do it yourself?
    Why do you expect him to respect your boundaries if they do not exist ?
    You can even leave him but most probably you will find yourself in the same type of relationship if you don’t start working on yourself instead of waiting for a miracle to change your husband.
    I am sure he does all that out of his own insecurities. This is his way of feeling in control.

    I know it is not easy but although things are not optimal in our household ,they are far from what they were before.
    I stopped dedicating so much energy to my husband behaviour and more to my own.Here is a list of things I implemented:

    Did loads of research on co dependency and realised it was something that it had to do with me.
    -Started taking more care of myself by eating healthy,exercising,keeping contact with family and friends .Talking to them about what was going on but not in a gossiping way.
    -Get rid of the victim mentality.This takes all control from his hands and puts it back to yours.I control my emotions,not him.
    -Learn how to avoid unnecessary conflicts.
    -Learn what triggers your emotions and know how to deal with it in a healthy way.
    -set boundaries in your relationship. For me things like separating our bank accounts,closing the bathroom door when showering were some of the things to begin with.I then managed to implement bigger ones.
    -I started looking at him more as a scared and insecure man than the strong confident man he wanted me to believe he was.
    -I started asking him to stop treating me in a certain way or there would be consequences.
    And if he tried me I would go ahead and place the consequence.A bit like punishing a child for misbehaving.
    One important thing is to implement these changes while still being your lovely self.You don’t want to make him even more insecure as this could be dangerous. Expect the abuse to escalate because he will be afraid not to have control over you and fear abandonment.
    You can always reasure him you wont leave but you want you three to be happy. A bit like a child parent relationship he has to trust you.In order for him to do that you have to act as a parent and practise some though love.You love your child but you don’t allow her to disrespect you,to cross your boundaries or to belittle you.Why would you allow your husband to do it so?
    Practise some self love and stop trying to make him realise what he is doing is wrong.He knows very well what he is doing and why.He is not interested in changing his ways because that’s the way he gets satisfaction.And he never faced consequences.
    What will you get out of this?You will become stronger and your marriage might or not survive.Either way you will be a better person and will be able to have the relationship you deserve.At the same time giving a good example to your son.Break the cycle but not by running away right away.You have to first built a safe ground for you to do so.GOOD LUCK and hope I gave you the advice you were looking for.

  • Lissa

    June 30th, 2016 at 3:18 AM

    I forgot to add that as result my husband now listens more to what I have to say and respects me.more.Don’t know what the future holds for us but I can say I learned a lot about myself too and realised as was not so much a victim as I thought I was.

  • Julie K

    July 5th, 2016 at 1:53 PM

    I’m 58 yrs old and this is my second marriage. I have 3 grown daughters from my 1st marriage which ended after 9 yrs due to a lack of stimulation, mental, emotional and physical. It was over 15 years later when I met my 2nd husband. He had been married 2x before, each marriage lasting only about 2 years. We’ve been married for just over 6 yrs, together about 10 yrs. I don’t know if I’ve just become more and more increasingly unhappy and am finding fault with him at every angle or if I truly don’t love him anymore. He was a non smoker when we met, had given up smoking when his 1st child was born and didn’t smoke for over 16 yrs. He has taken up smoking cigars to the tune of 2 packs a day and at a cost of about $24 day. He is a warehouseman, does not make much money at all and will not take on any extra hours to improve our finances. He does not have a pension. I have worked at a well paying career for 30 yrs and have a comfy pension. I resent him spending money like it grows on trees. He has declared bankruptcy 2x before we met and has obviously very poor money sense. I worked hard as a single parent to raise my 3 kids without the help of their biological father and now see financial struggles ahead instead of what should be financial freedom. He lied to me about his smoking for months until I caught him dipping into our joint acct. on a routine basis for a routine amount. after 2 yrs of threatening to take him off this account, I finally went to the bank and closed our joint acct. and opened my own acct that pays all the bills. His small pay also goes into this acct but he has another small savings acct that a monthly stipend goes in for a work injury. He has cleaned this account out each and every month to buy his cigars. We have not had sex in well over a year, I am replused at the smell of him. He professes his undying love for me numerous times a day, calls me lovely names, is generally a good kind man, but is immature and does not share any of the same interests I have. Our evenings are spent with me coming home home from work at 6:30, meanwhile he comes home at 2:30, I cook dinner, we sit in front of the tv eating, I clean up, he watches tv then goes to bed. I stay up till after 11 just because I want some me time and then crawl into bed. He calls me at work at least 3x a day just to talk random crap. I don’t want to talk to him so often ignore his calls, but he keeps calling me back. As I write this I get more and more frustrated with him and really don’t want to see him, hear from him or be with him.

  • Sandra

    July 5th, 2016 at 2:53 PM

    ..Julie…..You are wasted on this man…Make your escape while you can….He is using you big style….You’d be better off on your own, than with this no-hoper…!

  • unsure

    August 4th, 2016 at 10:17 AM

    I have been married for 4 1/2 years and I have been unhappy for at least 3 years , my husband is so kind and generous most of the time, however there is this side of her that threatens me and yells at me.. Saying things like this will be all over the news…which to me is one of those sayings that could make a person snap. On the other hand he brings her check home and helps pay bills , we have 2 kids young and when our son was 4 weeks he complained that i was not spending enough time with him. I found myself to be tired after a c section and a newborn. He has stopped wearing his ring several times and also met someone online, after i confronted him , he stated she was someone he met leaving work. He also said they had had lunch together before and that she was a great person to talk to. So after this mess we tried therapy which he told our therapist that he would of never messed with her if i was doing my job. Im not in love and he knows , what should i do i really dot want therapy again. We have two young kids that are hearing us fight and i just dont want that.

  • Lissa

    August 4th, 2016 at 11:06 AM

    There is a saying in Portuguese:if one doesn’t want,two don’t fight.
    Try your best not to react to his attempts to fight,specially when your children are present.

  • unsure

    August 5th, 2016 at 7:09 AM

    We have been fighting for years but his family is all deceased and he is making me feel bad for wanting to leave he is always saying Im not a good wife and Im a bad mom , he use to come home from work and sit in the car and drink before coming into the house to help me. I just dont feel the same i cant let go of whats been done and every time we try to discuss something that he doesn’t like its a hugh fight and he wont help me with the kids if hes mad he wont even speak to them , he acts like he doesn’t even hear them saying daddy…Im so over this really i just want out, im scared but i know my kids deserve to be in a house full of love and adults that know how to communicate or at least know how to respect that there are kids in the house.

  • Lissa

    August 5th, 2016 at 11:01 AM

    You cannot control his behaviour but you can control yours and the way you react to him.Practise how to control your emotions,take that power out of his hands.Be the example you would like your kids to follow.Lower your expectations forward your husband.He is as he is and will only change if he wants to.There is nothing you can do about it.If you want to leave,leave.But be careful how you do it.He only has you and might become desperate when he realises he is losing you too and become aggressive.
    Make sure you concentrate all your energy on becoming a stronger person and taking care of your children.Stop making him the centre of your attention.But try to still be polite and normal towards him.Be what he cannot be.Who knows he mighylt reflect back your behaviour.And if not you will be a better person by not lowering yourself to his level.

  • Angela

    August 8th, 2016 at 12:55 PM

    Wow. That’s exactly how I feel. I thought I was the only one unhappy. I have been married 5 years next month, together for 7.5 years, and I am unhappy as well. I have learned that marriage isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. There are a lot of things I don’t like, and thought these things would change afterwards. This is untrue. For instance, my husband is very unhealthy, has poor eating habits, bad knees, varicose veins, and is overweight. I hate the house we live in and he refuses to move, saying we have no money. He has a car in the garage that he refuses to get rid of (a car he’s “working on” with his friend, but hasn’t touched it since I moved in the house.) He has an unstable job…gets laid off after a project is finished and then goes on unemployment until he is assigned a new project. (is an electrician and works for a union hall) He refuses to leave union hall and find a stable salary job. I’m afraid to have kids with him because of these circumstances. I also lost all sexual/romantic feelings for him and whenever he tries to touch me, I make a face and pull away. I actually don’t want to have sex with him. We sleep in different rooms, because I have insomnia due to his snoring, TV or iPad on, and I’m probably a little depressed. I think he loses his temper easily, raises his voice at our niece and nephew, and mother. I think he’s a mama’s boy and wants to be taken care of. (We live down the street from his parents.) He doesn’t like to talk about sex, he’s lazy, and hates yard work., which I just found out recently. I also don’t like the person that I have become. I think that I changed and lost all motivation for cleaning the house, I don’t cook, I just don’t care anymore, which is not like me. I used to clean my old apartment every 2 weeks and was able to sleep normally. I have been thinking about getting a divorce, but am afraid I don’t have a good reason, except, that I think I want to have kids, but I don’t want to have kids with him. He refuses to change anything about himself and his circumstances, stating, ” I have to be happy too.” He said he doesn’t want to go to counseling, because I do tell him how I feel, but nothing ever gets resolved. Because of all these things that are bothering me, I am now attracted to someone I work with. I told my husband, because I wanted to be honest, and thought things will change, and it would have lit a fire under his butt, but of course, it did not. He actually took it rather well and is not jealous at all. We don’t really fight, I just go along with whatever he wants, which isn’t good either. I want a new life, but I don’t know how to go about getting one with the man I’m married to. I know this is a hard decision. I’m afraid if I leave him, I’ll lose friends, everyone will hate me, I’ll feel like a failure. I’m 37 and am afraid I will not meet anyone else, but if I don’t leave, I feel like I will not have a happy future. Should I stay in a marriage with no sex, no attraction, bad house, and the opportunity not to have kids?

  • IwishIneverMether

    August 9th, 2016 at 6:32 PM

    I’m one of those great husbands and dads who is on the receiving end. My wife and I have known each other for 2.5 years and married for 7. I knew that things weren’t perfect and the routine of being married, commuting to work, and raising our 6 year old did lead us both to very mundane lives. The thing is, that I loved her dearly and she knew it. I did all things I though I was supposed to do, brought flowers, told her she was beautiful, helped around the house and with our son. In fact, more so because she worked more hours than I. She also made more money, but whenever I offered to get a part time job in the evening, she said that it’s better if I stayed and helped our son and did household stuff, which i did. I also kept myself in shape working out 4 -5 times a week. In fact, I’m in much better shape than I was when we first got married. The sex was good, she came, at least it seemed like she did and she said it was good. But it did dwindle to maybe twice a month. Not because i didn’t want it, but because she was always tired (understandable since she did work 60* hours a week). I invited to take her out, but she was always tired and we usually ended up settling for the standard dinner and movies at least once a month. I supported her in almost everything she wanted to do. I was nice, but i wasn’t a pushover either. We did disagree on a few things, but we seemed to always find a good compromise when necessary.

    In the evenings, she usually either worked on paperwork while i worked out and on stuff around the house. When we did spend time, she was either watching her reality shows or on facebook. I also surfed the web and a lot of our conversation was about household stuff. Perhaps we did become roomates. But i loved her dearly and didn’t think things were so bad. She never expressed any real problems to me nor offered any suggestions on how things could change. I did ask from time to time to ‘check in’, but she said things were fine with her.
    This year I noticed she started acting very susupisouly with her phone. (Laying it upside down on the table, keeping it near her at all times, holding it so that i can’t see the screen or pressing the home button as soon as she saw me glancing over at it). I did go through her text and found out she was having long conversations with some guy. (I still don’t know how they met). I confronted her and she hit me with the ‘i love, but in love with you spiel.’


    We had been talking about her taking a travel nurse assignment a few times a year to break up the monotony because i sensed that it could be come an issue. This guy was from the city she was assigned to go and of course, i didn’t want her to go. She did. She seemed cold and ended having an affair with him.
    I found out after some ‘detective work’, yes I checked her email and found where she messaged him about moving there for him, but him not treating her right. (it literally made me nauseous when i saw it)
    Confronting her only made her angry that i violated her privacy. I demanded that she end it or i would call him. She did over text and after calling her a b%tch (something i never did), she said it was over. Of course it wasn’t.
    This guy already has 2 baby mom’s and in relationship with one of them i think. Some of his texts talked of him getting her pregnant.
    I’m so hurt and betrayed. Out of my feelings, i did go out and cheat myself (something i never did while we were together.

    Look, i’m not perfect, but i’m a great guy. She acknwoledges that. I make her laugh sometimes, the sex is good, i’m pretty good looking, my body is good ,we hardly argue and when we do we seek to find balance or compromise. She agrees with all of the above statements, but says that she’s just not happy anymore….and when i ask what will she says ‘something i wouldn’t agree to.’
    She says she feels guilt over hurting me and how our son will react to us splitting. I’ve offered to forgive her, came clean about my affair (she understood), did research on brain chemistry in new relationships, how to save relationships, self improvement, came up with things we could try, but she still doesn’t know if she wants to even try and make it work.
    I know that I deserve better and she agrees.
    But I love her so much. This is probably the most painful thing i’ve felt in my life.
    It’s not just about us, our families love each us. Our son loves us. I can’t believe she’s gotten this far and not even wants to fight for it.
    Reading this hurts more because I can’t believe how selfish some of these women are. The guilt is because this so wrong on so many levels. I understand in some cases of abuse, drug addictions, multiple affairs, etc. But throwing away a marriage when the stakes are so high just because she’s bored is beyond selfish. No I don’t want her here if she doesn’t want to be here. But damn Man. This sucks.

  • e25

    August 28th, 2016 at 9:07 AM

    Giving her space and giving yourself time to focus on yourself will help you give the clarity each of you needed, maybe a separation is what you need (she doesn’t have to move out but give you and her time to think about yourself and your needs). If you love her and want to be with her, then keep trying to find out what is REALLY bothering her. Meantime, don’t revolve your life around her, find something you love to do for yourself. If you want to start working part time, do it. If you want to go out w/ friends or family, do it. But when you are at home, show signs of the love you have for her. Be sincere but be firm that you deserve love/respect and nothing less.
    For me, I was lucky enough to be aware of a “budding” affair and I ended it. Plus, thank God, the person I got involved in is also religious and also did not want to be the reason for ending a marriage. We ended whatever we had amicably and it’s been two years since then. I admitted to my husband I did something wrong and that it was over (lasted about 3mos), it was a friendship turned to an emotional affair. I was miserable since we got married but if it wasn’t for that affair, my husband and I would never have a 2-way dialogue because I was always the one trying to communicate how unhappy I was with our marriage. The separation gave me the realization that I don’t need my husband to make me happy, it was up to me, and I was happy. I moved out to give us space because we only kept fighting over the same things (not just about the affair, everything) with no resolution but I promised that we would go on dates and see each other which we did. I moved back because I thought we had learned to compromise and work things out together, but it didn’t happen, it went back to the way it was. I was lonely in my marriage again but I stayed because I made a vow. It was when I almost died and lost my job that I realized I really loved my husband but that my husband no longer loves me. Even then I felt I was the guilty person for ruining our marriage but I realized it takes 2 to keep a relationship going. I idolized him, did everything he asked, that I became a fool for him but when I realized my self-worth and I tried to maintain that when I moved back but he never budged or cared if I was happy, that I realized THIS is NOT a marriage worth fighting for. He finally admitted that he wants a younger woman who likes to play video games, and be a housewife. I’m not that person. I finally realized I want to be loved for me, by someone who can accept what I can and cannot give. So in the end, we’re filing for divorce.
    I’m sad that it’s ending because I’ve been with him for over 10 years but the burden of trying to live up to someone’s expectation is gone and I feel relieved. Yes, it feels lonely so be a single woman in her mid-30s, not knowing if I will ever meet a man who will accept me for who I am BUT I will live the life I always believed I wanted, not for anyone else, but for me and that gives me strength each day. To not give up on life because I’m not alone, God is with me. Me and my husband’s honesty put an end to our struggle. He said he loves me but just can’t live with me anymore. I know I love him but I want to be loved for who I am not who he wants me to be. So it wasn’t the affair that ended our marriage, granted that was a factor, but ultimately he and I wanted different things and we couldn’t give it to each other.
    I hope for your sake, either way this ends, you find clarity in your relationship that will help you and your wife move on positively whether together or separately.

  • disillusioned

    July 24th, 2017 at 1:10 PM

    really is disturbing seeing all these posts of despair that state they’re married to a great person, but….. Realize that what you feel know, you weren’t feeling a few years ago, just like you won’t be feeling this way two years from now. And if you did leave and found someone new, how long till you’re in the same situation?

  • The Other Side

    August 21st, 2016 at 2:59 AM

    Reposting this down at the bottom of the thread because I don’t know how this thread works and who sees what :)
    Many of these comments – except the previous one here, actually (sorry for your situation!) seem to be coming from women so I thought I’d offer another perspective. My wife has told me that she wants to leave me after 7 years of marriage and 12 together, with two children, 4 and 6. I was shocked, although I knew she was unhappy and had been for some time and have been trying to convince her to stay now for four months.
    I tried to broach the subject with her in the last couple of years – that I didn’t feel she loves me and that I didn’t feel she had any real desire for me (although we went through the motions of sex once a week and she seemed physically satisfied, albeit everything around the actual act seemed empty to me – I commented on that as well and got spurned vis-a-vis any real conversation). She says she doesn’t love me anymore and doesn’t want to stay with me. Many of the things that initially attracted her – my quirkiness, etc. – are now annoying to her. We went through a really rough period with a lot of stress after we’d been together for about 8 years (children + very intensive work being the catalysts) for both sides and I crossed her verbal red lines and acted angry and frustrated (she says “insufferable”) – largely because I was angry and frustrated at what I saw as her lack of cooperation, lack of empathy for my situation and lack of effort to address the things that were important to me. I now see what mistake this all was and that I didn’t need to change her and especially not in the way I was trying to do, but it’s too late. The rough period passed but her love had died and she went through the motions for two more years, all the while with low-level conflict around as I struggled with her without understanding where she was, before getting to this point. She went to therapy and got strong and now she is totally in control of the situation, while I am still madly in love with her, eager to show her that I can change and become the person and partner she wants next to her and the children and desperate to gain the time to do so. But she wants to continue with the process.
    So I say to all of you – look carefully at the person next to you. I hear here about a mix of husbands who sound like real trash (the wife abusers) and others who sound like saints but where the spark has gone. For the former crowd, get out, of course, but for those in the middle – no physical abuse but lots of fights, or where the spark has just gone, first really try to talk to him and perhaps get help. Not once – he will probably reject or minimize it the first time – and not just from your perspective but telling him what you want to gain out of working together on fixing things. We’re very practical.
    So what about my situation – a guy who made mistakes, mostly crossing verbal red lines (no cheating or physical violence)/ Definitely not one-sided (in the interest of any chance to win her back, I am taking most of the blame but I feel she emotionally abused me even more severely, but doesn’t see it). I am willing to go to therapy to soften my rough edges, willing to totally dedicate myself to her and the kids, willing to go through a period where we don’t sleep together while she rebuilds trust and love. We have two beautiful kids who need us at a tender age and we won’t be in new relationship very easily for objective reasons that I won’t get into here (I read that this can help with the trauma for young children). I know I can be a good husband and have all the motivation and ability to make it happen.
    But she says she doesn’t want to. She says she doesn’t love me and never will and will never want to sleep with me again. She says she can’t trust me and she doesn’t want to live with me or have me in her life, even, if the kids weren’t around. It’s so painful for me to hear because I love her so very much still and am so terribly sorry to have hurt her and just want to put things in the past and focus on a better future, while understanding well the mistakes that were made and the lessons learned. I beg her to let the past be the past and focus on the steps I’m taking for a better future. I beg her to see that my love is real and that I’m a great father and that if she were able to get past the bitterness she would be able to rediscover her love. But she doesn’t believe in that or want to hear from me. We live together and I push this almost daily – but I’m not sure if it’s not just going to make her move out faster to end the annoyance.
    I know one path is “let her go” and I am doing that as well – we are going to continue with reaching an amicable settlement while I continue, probably, to try to convince her to give me more time. But I am desperate to find an alternative and a path that might still rebuild our relationship. Unfortunately, she is not a partner to that right now. But I believe that emotions – and love – ebb and flow. So my questions to you women out there:
    1) Can love for your husband be rebuilt? She doesn’t trust that I won’t be overcritical and angry and I tell her that is in the past because I realize now what’s important to me and the cost of such behavior. Sort of a huge slap in the face. And I will get therapy if that helps. But she says she will not love me again. I find that certainty almost ridiculous and it makes me fight harder, I think.
    2) In the past couple of days, we have begun talking about living together platonically, cooperating fully with the kids while I try to rebuild trust. She is still against it but at least there is a conversation now. Now she has mentioned perhaps having a lover in this period (for all I know has one now). I don’t know how much of it is her testing me, how much is her desire to be with other men for physical reasons (which might make sense if we’re platonic) and how much is her desire to find another relationship, in which case i am setting myself up for even more pain when she tells me she’s moving out and moving in with X and the kids. But I am so desperate to keep her that I am considering taking the risk. I know it sounds absurd to some, but I feel that losing her and the kids (they are so young that they will stay with her) is catastrophic for me and I am in the fight for my life.
    So: ideas? Suggestions? Help? Magic aphrodisiac powder? Anyone?

  • Jason

    August 23rd, 2016 at 8:04 AM

    Dude I am going on 11 months in a similar situation. Just let her go ( easier said than done). If you want her back it is the only way. You are annoying to her and she already knows how you feel. She has been preparing for this moment far longer than you have been. Offer to leave and start going to therapy on your own for you not her. You will be far better ready to raise your kids if your shit is together. You have to start living as if she is gone already. If she wants you it will only be because you have showed her that you can be on your own and not be needy. Good luck !

  • The Other Side

    August 24th, 2016 at 3:29 PM

    That’s so true and she indeed complained that I’d become needy (given that I felt nothing coming from her I was trying to pry something out, thus the neediness, probably). I suppose that is what will happen, if she doesn’t reconsider, but since we’re still at the beginning of the formal process, there’s still time to stop it and prevent the kids from having to go through this and all the economic and other damage that this will cause, leaving aside the emotional destruction I’m sure I’ll endure (yes, yes, therapy for the anger issues, but I don’t believe that’s what heals a broken heart). Once she is gone, if that happens, I will certainly try to do what you are suggesting. Wise words, thanks, and good luck to you. After 11 months are you seeing any movement?

  • Monica

    October 18th, 2016 at 6:58 PM

    Wow. I had no idea this problem was fairly prevalent. We’ve been married 22 years, and it was not right from the start, but I wanted kids and a family and so we both became very busy with the kids, jobs, and our lives that we could sweep a “lack of deep love” relationship under the rug where it seemed to belong. Kids are getting older now and I just don’t see how we can keep up the charade. We have been trying so hard. Counseling. Separate bedrooms for years. We’ve separated 3 times and then he travels for work, so as long as we’re not together too long, we’ve made it work. We don’t enjoy each other’s company. Don’t have much other than the kids and house in common. Holidays and vacations are painful. Then I ran into an old boyfriend that I haven’t seen in 15 years. An emotional affair began across state lines with phone calls and texts. My husband and I separated again. But i felt alive again. What I think this friend showed me was that maybe I could be happy… truly and deeply happy again. It was like someone turned on a light switch after all this time living in the dark. At 48, I’ve never had the kind of sexual feelings that I have around this old boyfriend, even when we dated 25 years ago. I want to come to my senses. I value marriage and family, I just think we’ve made a mockery of it. I also doubt things would ever work out with the old boyfriend as he’s non committal, but I do think he’s shown me there might be another road that leads to happiness. I’ve lost my parents and even buried a baby and this is by far the hardest thing to go through. A bad marriage is pure torture. I’m Catholic so also very reluctant to choose divorce.

  • What happened?

    November 20th, 2016 at 1:08 AM

    What’s happening with your marriage now ‘The Other Side’? Does your wife still want to end it? My answer to the question can love come back is yes, it can. I suppose I should hear how your situation has developed before I comment further.

  • The Other Side

    April 5th, 2017 at 4:35 PM

    Failure – we’re nearing the end of a difficult but not overly damaging process. She was utterly uninterested in rekindling anything. She’s left other close people before and never spoken to them again (including her father for many years) so I should probably have realized how fragile a commitment from her really was. Anyway, I am still in love despite a huge amount of trauma during the process as she turned the screws and showed me again and again that I was banging at a locked door. I feel she’ll be friendly and nice to me because of the kids and I’ll continually misunderstand and think there’s an opening. Or be miserable about what I’ve lost – the chance at a real family, building a home together, taking trips together, growing old and so on. But it’s only me that cares about these things apparently – she is unwilling to make any effort…

  • Jason

    August 26th, 2016 at 2:34 PM

    @the other side

    Well it’s been a long journey, feels like 11 years not months sometimes. She has finally started to change from cold distant to actually trying but only after I told her I was done and was going to start seeing other woman. I told her to leave to go talk with her parents in another country. She did and while she was gone I looked at my options and you know what it’s not so bad out there. The fact is we men at 42 are way more of a catch in general terms than women are at 42 especially if you have kids and they know it. Men at later stages in life that already have kids and get a divorce for the most part don’t want to raise some other dudes kid! They want a more fun woman and maybe start a family with someone that has their act together. Why do you think so many women on here had an affair then waffle back and forth between us the stable husband / family and the romance novel guy on the side? Because they have low self esteem and know the clock is ticking for them to latch on to another guy or stay “trapped with you”. They can’t see that it takes work and a lot of it to keep something like marriage going so they threaten to leave you and watch you freak out and be angry about the lies ect and then calmly point to you as the problem but offer no solution to fix the marriage and how they had no choice but to have an affair. Like I said in an earlier post if your not happy in a marriage talk to your spouse. If you are afraid they will abuse you get out and get help but if following your feelings is the way you plan on living the rest of your life then maybe start hanging out with 20 year olds again! They just do whatever they want cause they can! My wife is starting to figure out what she did was wrong I have stood by and waited like you and don’t want divorce for the same reasons $$$,my kid, family, friends etc. But the only way I have now said that is going to work for me is to not be her fall back plan I have worked on my issues that I was not happy with and now feel I can move on without her if necessary but ultimately until they realize that might loose you they will just sit back and watch your actions and if you are needy like I was at first they will only feel sorry for you and list for some other dude. Sorry a little Ranty today but it’s Friday cheers and let me know how you are making out

  • Jason

    August 26th, 2016 at 2:48 PM

    I also would like to say that the reason women have affairs are the same for men and I mean to say women with kids at 42 are ugly to other men just that in terms of relationships going the distance most guys I know don’t want a “Brady Bunch Family” they want to start one with a younger woman. Also forgot to mention one thing about the affair, most of the posts on here I have read don’t talk about an affair but knowing what I know now from living with it for 11 months is you all know who you are. Just cause you are unhappy does not give anyone the right to cheat. It is the emotional equivalent to a death in your family! There was a study that ranked the 3 most stressful things in life were a terminal illness first then infidelity second above thirds which was prison!!! Infertility is worse than prison! So the next time you feel unhappy and think well I am going to make myself happy by going to much with another person of the opposite sex be aware of the storm you are creating and be prepared to take responsibility for the aftermath

  • The Other Side

    August 29th, 2016 at 3:11 PM

    Thanks for the reply, Jason (where are all the women??). I’m glad to hear you’re making progress and sorry to hear that you had to go through that entire charade before she would make any positive movement. In my case, as I said, we still have a little time until it happens formally and are still living together so I’m trying to kill her (urge to divorce) with kindness. I hope she’ll accept she has a good man next to her who truly loves her and has learned from his mistakes before we are forced down a path of pain and sorrow. She claims she hasn’t cheated on me and doesn’t have someone else but some aspects of her behavior make me continue to question that. I don’t so much care about the fact that she felt she needed a lover at some point, I more fear the competition – the shiny new thing vs. the guy you have to fix things with. And at her age, the temptation will be to take the shiny new thing now if it’s available. But I prefer to believe her and hope that I’m not setting myself up for more heartbreak. So at this point it really is just a decision on her part to accept that there is real change and make a decision to give it more time / another try. No one needs to get hurt more (the kids especially).
    There is, however, the open question about loving me again – she seems so convinced that she won’t be able to and I can’t understand that. Ladies: is she right to be skeptical or am I right to say that there are ups and downs and this is an emotion and can be rekindled?

  • Westside

    September 12th, 2016 at 2:16 AM

    I don’t even know where to begin. For the Longest longest time i have repeatedly asked him, to pay attention to me. To make plans for us, Yet i always end up being the one to make plans, being the one to pay for everything we do together, he even forgot my birthday for the last years now. I litterly cant remember the last time he gave me a gift. And now i can feel that feeling of loneliness and wanting to belong to someone who actually cares about me. And what scares me….i really just want to be as far away from him as possible. I don’t know what to do. I have 2 kids that adore him. We are living like friends, we don’t fight in-front of the kids. I dont know what to do. i knew this day was coming. i told him over and over. i am so done now, that i dont want to talk to him about this.

  • Donna M

    September 23rd, 2016 at 10:14 PM

    Ugh, he is a good guy. I will give him that He has been (and still is) a great father to his children. But something happened along the way. Sure, I still love him, but not in that way – if you know what I mean. We have vastly different thoughts and ideas. Always did, but it never really dawned on my until I understood who I was. We have invested years together accumulated as many do, which makes me feel stuck. Where the fudge do I go from here? Life is so short, I do not want to be with a man that doesn’t ignite anything in me. So, where do I go from here?

  • clation

    September 24th, 2016 at 3:52 PM

    I am can relate my wife and i have been together for just over 22 years and been marred for coming up to 20 years. We have had issues with her having a affair in the past and took sometime apart twice but ended up working throw most of the issues and moving back in together. But now I feel I love her but I’m just not in love with her and I have now told her how i feel which was a big shock to her. But she feels that for the past few years that she has found that she loves me more then she has ever before. I was and am so afraid of hurting her in anyway so when I see i am hurting her I just want to die. But yet if I don’t start thinking of my self and my happiness as well then I am afraid of what my happen. I too have found that I have been looking somewhat at other women that I am interested in and would like to see where it would go but ones again not wanting to hurt her and go down that road which never ends good for anyone. At this point we have said that we can work on things again and see how things go and talk and be honest with our self’s and one another. But sadly I feel that I may not be able to change how I feel about her but willing to give it one last shot.

  • O

    October 27th, 2016 at 1:39 PM

    I am sadly in the same boat of not being in love with my wife. My feelings got derailed after a long interest came into my life. That relationship did not happend because I am married and still have self respect and she was married. My wife is a good companion. However I am invisible to my wife. I have been divorced before. So I have been to the show. We have issues that all married couples have. She is a great companion and still do all of the married couple things. I feel alone and we have grown apart. We have been to counseling and it worked for a little while. It was a band aid for me. My wife claims she is in love with me but her actions say otherwise. As I feel I am “just there and existing”. Health problems play a concern. I workout and she does not. She is ok with a unhealthy lifestyle and we are going in two different directions where my lifestyle is healthy. We disagree with the menu all the time. I wanted a family and now approaching 40 her medical condition has made that impossible to the point where she is not able. I have tried to get her motivated and get her out and doing things. She would rather spend resources on friends, food, books and things she enjoys while the majority of my income goes to the bills. It feels like a relationship of material and wants. We are currently in counseling. I’m not someones money mule or crutch to a more serious problem. I am married to someone who does not care about their health. Because of it. It has placed a strain on our marriage. The other strain is I am not in love. I want to date again. I feel now looking back. I got married for all of the wrong reasons. I own all of my faults. I understand what everyone who is not in love feels.

  • Sandra

    October 27th, 2016 at 5:01 PM

    …O..Hi, From where I am standing , you are going nowhere….Call a halt to it all now….I lost my husband of 44 yrs last year….I’ve had a lot of time to think…I’m telling you now, don’t waste your life on someone you don’t love or feel connected to….You’ve outgrown her, don’t tie yourself down….Move on….You deserve to be happy….Don’t live a lie, for her sake as well….!

  • helen

    December 6th, 2016 at 1:43 PM

    i been with my husband coming up for 21 years its our second marriage he has 2 grown up kids we have none together over the last 3 years i realised i not in love with him anymore i make excuses not to go to bed and sleep on the sofa i try and be a good wife the last 8 month its difficult he a good man works hard kind loving does not drink does not gamble not violent we never argue but i dont love him anymore i was going to leave him 3 year ago but his son girl got pregnant i been try for the last week to tell him but i am finding it difficult because of the time of the year friend have told me there no right time i scared because i dont know what to do how to go about it we have a mortgage and some other fingers in pies i worried about other people reaction and his i am so unhappy i dont know what to do

  • Sandra

    January 31st, 2017 at 2:11 AM

    …Rose..Follow your heart, but be sure before you do…..Good luck…!

  • D

    February 9th, 2017 at 2:09 AM

    I have what most would consider a good marriage. My husband is kind, responsible, and attentive. We have been married 8 years. We dated for 5 years before we married. I am certain I am the problem. While we have never been a true success in the bedroom, our initial enthusiasm covered that up. I am super sensual and kissing is a big part of that, too. We don’t get turned on by how the other wants to be kissed. I haven’t had a lover’s kiss in 14 years and I can’t stand how he approaches me for intimacy. I have a high libido, but it disappears when he gets near me. I have spoken with him about what turns me on. But now I feel like none of that would do it anymore anyway. We have been struggling for over 3 years. Its not just sexual stuff. I stopped holding his hand because he would keep his arm stiff and jerk me around. He says he doesn’t mean to he’s just trying to be a gentleman. But he can’t stop it and he gives me these huge sighs and get completely offended. I cringe when we are out in public and I listen to him. Even the way he communicates grates on my nerves. He is almost always the loudest person in a room and he cannot bring himself to let someone finish a thought in conversation. But he means well, he tries to solve every problem even before he fully understands it. He acts like an expert even when he’s not. He knows his loud voice hurts my ears sometimes, but again with the sighing offense. I find myself fantasizing about living alone. He went on a 4 day trip without me last year and I was sad to have him come home. I don’t cheat and neither does he, we just keep ourselves satisfied at this point. This is killing me, he wants to work it out. I feel like we need to go our separate ways.

  • Elle

    February 20th, 2017 at 8:20 PM

    D: If you figure your situation out, let me know. I swear you are me, just farther down the marriage road.

  • Jodee

    March 19th, 2017 at 2:27 PM

    Dead pent subject matter, Really enjoyed reading.

  • Eve T.

    May 20th, 2017 at 8:35 PM

    Been thru those same feelings, I too am married 44 years and had many rocky roads in that time including filing for a legal separation and then a divorce at the 5 year mark (there was too much partying going on (young girls etc. ) and my husband is not at all that type but was for about 8 months back in ’78; We mended our relationship, he came to me with much sorrow and swore to make all right which he did, however, still bitter feelings and job problems thruout the years cause much uncertainty. Well we just came from dinner tonight and are now more in love then ever, I am a firm believer that you fall in and out of love with that same person over and over and over again. Treat each adventure like you both are new lovers for the first time (just like the Foreigner Song) LOL. Hang in there, my mother who passed away 5 yrs ago at 94 always told me, look at the good and then look at the bad, (if the bad is much heavier then the good, you may be fair to you and your husband to move on); Guess I can say there was always more good then bad.

  • confused

    June 2nd, 2017 at 7:30 AM

    i have been married for 10 years, together for 14. We have 3 kids, the youngest being 1 year old. I will admit right up front that he is not a good man. He smokes marijuana, only works for himself, by this i mean, that his salary is only for his uses. He does not help me raise our kids. Yes sure, he drives us around and does small chores like tidying up the house, but thats it. those things-i can deal with it. but there’s the fact that he pressures me for sex. i work a full time job, then come home to cook, wash, prep for the next day and help the kids with homework. By the time i’m done, its almost 9 pm, because i get no help from him. i don;t have a problem spending intimate time with him, its just the manner. he has to smoke and smoke before and then its all routine. also i dont find myself having a drive for someone so lazy and stupid. Then when i sleep away with the kids, the next morning, its verbal abuse from him. he says things like, you dont want me because you getting ‘it’ from someone else. he also accuses me of ‘playing’ with myself, thats why i dont ‘need’ him sexually. he always tells me i have someone else. which is not true. at times i wish it were. i am so frustrated now. at times, i really hate him. we only get along good when we are eating or when we’ve had sex. He is a loser and i hate him,my problem is, i dont have anywhere to go. what am i going to do with my 3 kids? put them through all this change? i am so confused. should i stick it our for my kids’ sake? but i am really unhappy. i feel lost. i sometimes ask myself why would God give me this guy? out of all the people in the world, why did i end up with the worst one? i feel sorry for