Grief, Loss, & Bereavement
Overview of Grief, Loss, & Bereavement: Grief, a deep feeling of sadness over a loss, is one of the most difficult experiences a person can have. During the grief process, we may feel hopeless, out of control, dead inside, empty, pained, afraid, angry, or just about any other painful emotion one can name.
Just about everyone experiences grief at least a few times in life. The only way to avoid grief is not to care about anyone or anything, or to bury one’s feelings with drugs or other distractions when a loved one leaves or dies, when we have a serious medical condition, when we lose a job or other opportunity, when we fail, or, for whatever, when we are missing something we need or want very badly. We can feel and deal with the grief, or we can choose to avoid it by many means. Yet even then, grief sticks around, showing up as depression, anger, anxiety, fatigue, or even physical illness.
In other words, there really is no around grief – but there is a way through it. While avoiding grief will only prolong and worsen suffering, facing it, with the help of friends, family, and, if necessary, a support group and/or therapist, often turns out to be a healing, enlightening experience – even though it will never, of course, be a fun one.
The Medical Model and Grief, Loss, & Bereavement: Everyone deals with grief differently. Many people are familiar with the 5 stages of grief identified by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in 1969. The stages are:
• Denial – Refusing to accept the reality of the situation
• Anger – Blaming people, or God, or oneself for the loss.
• Bargaining – Trying to make deals with God or other people in an irrational attempt to change what cannot be changed
• Depression – Giving up hope of happiness, and being unable to focus on anything but despair over the loss
• Acceptance – the ability to feel sadness while continuing to live one’s life and, slowly, feeling at peace about the loss
Another very apt model was developed by Roberta Temes. She identified three stages of grieving:
• Numbness (mechanical functioning and social insulation)
• Disorganization (intensely painful feelings of loss)
• Reorganization (re-entry into a more 'normal' social life)
It is important to know that these stages may not occur in the order listed above, and that some may not occur at all for a certain person at a certain time. What the list tells us is that different feelings and stages of grief are typical for human beings dealing with loss; whatever you feel, whenever you feel it, it is probably fairly normal and not a cause for additional concern.
So when is grief abnormal, and a cause for concern? When it lasts more than a few months, and when it interferes with work, school, or relationships in a significant way.
Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM): The DSM identifies “complicated bereavement” as a diagnosis, as well as certain adjustment disorders as a possible manifestation of grief. Depression itself may also stem from an extended grieving process.
Case Examples of Grief, Loss, & Bereavement:
Rhonda, 57, had a sudden breakdown, stopped working, became anxious and depressed, and sought therapy. A full history revealed she had been the sole caretaker for her sister, who had been ill for years and required near fulltime assistance. During the time of the illness, Rhonda’s parents had both died of natural causes. Rhonda realized she never had time or emotional energy to mourn her parents’ death, and in fact resented her sister, who had died a year previously, and not mourned her death either, for which she felt terribly guilty. She had also been so caught up in her family duties, she had had little time to develop other pursuits. Allowing herself to face the great feelings of sadness and loss slowly dissolved her anxiety, and after a time of rest to fully grieve, Rhonda could return to work and, with the support of a therapist and a close friend, begin to build a full life.
Nancy, 25, is extremely depressed and angry after her brother dies in an accident. She blames him, her parents, the college her brother attended, and sometimes, herself. She cannot seem to imagine what life will be like without him. Even thought they didn’t always get along, she loved him and always imagined they’d be closer as they grew older. His presence in her life comforted her more than she knew. Now, she felt completely lost. In therapy, Nancy was able to process thoughts and feelings about her brother and her family that she’d never been aware of. Her therapist helped her clarify her beliefs about death, family, love, change. Nancy was able to identify all the qualities she loved in her brother, and ways she might honor those traits in her own life. She began to see her brother in herself and in her parents, and was able to work towards some kind of acceptance.
Therapy for Grief, Loss, & Bereavement: There is a wide range of Psychotherapy Treatment Models or types of therapy used in the treatment of grief and loss. Most of these approaches fall into three historic camps of psychology: Psychoanalytic / Psychodynamic approaches; Behaviorism and; Humanism. Regardless of the type of therapy, there are some generally agreed upon elements of healthy therapy which are universal to all forms of psychotherapy. Before beginning therapy for grief and loss or any other issue, it is helpful to familiarize oneself with these elements.
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In my practice, I find that children frequently revisit losses as they enter each new developmental stage. New questions occur to them. For example, younger children tend to be primarily focussed on the loss of the person (or pet) to them. They are bereft. As they get older, I find that they frequently come to wonder why the loss occurred. This is particularly common in the case of children who are no longer in the custody of their biological parent. They wonder why the parent abandoned them, or failed to care for them adequately. They wonder if the parent still feels an attachment to them (particularly if they have no contact with the bio-parent). As they become older still, and begin to imagine becoming a parent, they wonder if their parenting will resemble their bio-parent's.
Very nicely written article. I would think parents would find it quite helpful. Have you thought of writing one that tied in Piaget's stages of cognitive development?
Beth thank you so much for those comments. We had a loss in pur family several years ago that my daughter was sad about, but as she enters each new developmental stage there have been more and more questions, deeper than just about what happened and why.your comments give me great insight into what she has been going theu and I too found the article quite helpful.
Hi Beth, Have you read Michael Whites new book Maps of Narrative Practice? It is an awesome overview of Michael's work and Narrative applications. I enjoyed your article. I also use a lot narrative interventions in my work, including writing a post session letter to all of my clients. A great read in this area is David Epston's book (he co-wrote Narrative Means to Therapeutic Ends with Michael) "Catchng up with David Epston - A collection of narrative practice-based papers." I had the pleasure of meeting Michael and touch base with him once in a while through email. Very gifted therapist! Anyway, may you have continued success. Rod Louden, M.A., MFT www.monsterrelationships.com
I think one reason stories work so well in therapy is b/c stories have been around as long as humans. Humans have always felt a need to tell and record their own stories and histories. A therapist helping a client to create a story that is different from what the client thought possible is very powerful. Seeing the possibilities goes a long way towards empowering a client to create them.
I think that this model is interesting in that it seeks to continue to strengthen the bond someone has with a deceased loved one. So many people will tell clients that they need to move on and encourage clients to see the deceased as one segment of life. Carrying the deceased loved one through the rest of the stages in life appears to give the grieving client more hope and less loss.
I have a good friend whose brother died in a car accident about 12 years ago. Every year on the night he died, her family gathers together at the spot he died at the time he died and talk about the good times they had with him. You wouldn't believe the number of people I work with who find this behavior to be unhealthy. As Ralph said, they think she really needs to move on and stop resurfacing this event every year. I always thought it was a wonderful idea and a great way to carry him with them as they move through a life he will always be disconnected from.
I think the author did an excellent job of acknowledging that not all clients are immediately ready for narrative therapy. Instead, sometimes some ground work needs to be done. I agree with this notion and have found myself in similar situations. It was certainly worth dealing with the other issues before freeing the client to re-author his or her current life or future.
However many holy words you read,However many you speak,What good will they do you If you do not act on upon them?
Art making as a healing process allows for many positive effects to happen physiologically. The process of making art also provides a kinesthetic release that enables a person to channel her emotions and physical energy outward rather than suppressing and tightening within. Excellent points are given by this blog.
All of this certainly rings true for me. I am 32 with two small children. My husband died in a car accident last Christmas Eve. I have been dreading this time since the moment I heard about the accident. I am very interested in participating in art therapy. I am eager to learn a productive way of dealing with emotions. I think that this blog helped me b/c now I know a little about what to expect and am not as intimidated by the idea.
I would love to see a list of some concrete things we can tell our clients to do during this season that will lower stress. For someone like Heidi, what does the author suggest? I was thinking some things like shopping before the season is really here and getting everything wrapped might help. That way, when the burden of the season is upon her, she can really focus on herself and getting through the season rather than having to force herself to do something she really emotionally can't handle at the moment.
One thing I am wondering: what to say when I get the inevitable, “I can't draw.” I have often recommended this strategy, but am often met with this response. How can I help my clients understand that it is the process that is important rather than the product? They are often so focused on the outcome that they can't let themselves be in the moment and participate in an activity that will help them heal.
As a Newbie, I am always searching online for articles that can help me. Thank you
There are no others on earth who need our care and support more than the children who have experienced painful losses in their lives. It is up to us as adults to give them the love that they need and to support them no matter what the cost.
You sound like a wonderful therapist. empathic and wise, and I am happy that you bravely deal with this issue instead of avoiding it. One of my 4 children is adopted and we regularly deal with all aspects of her loss in any way that is suitable to her. I am a movement therapist and so am adept at helping her express herself in physical movement and releasing some of her pent-up emotions, and then we talk about it afterwards...until the next time, and the next. We are soon to foster a child from Sudan, from the Darfur region, and I am intrigued as to how his issues of loss will come up. We have been greatly helped by consulting with many parenting experts on how parents can improve communication at home and would like to share our resources. Please have a look at: http://www.easierparentingmiddleschool.com
I am definitely going to take a look at your site. As the stepmom of middle school kids it is so important to recognize from a very early age when things are not going well and it sounds like your site may provide answers to that. Thanks for the resource and I will give you some feedback on that very soon.
Anyone regardless of age is going to benefit from a little care and understanding from others. this is especially true of young kids who have lost a loved one or significant person in their lives. They so often do not understand the healthiest ways to deal with these losses and it is crucial for their future health that we teach them the many steps of the grieving process and the best ways to cope with the sadness that they inevitably and understandably feel.
It can be so sad to see children who have experienced a great loss but yet have been given absolutely no tools or guidance for dealing with this pain. many write off the emotions and feelings of children as insignificant simply because they are young, but I think that it is sometimes these wounds that we experience in childhood which often cut the deepest and make the greatest impact on us throughout our lives.
Of course they do- we carry so much of our childhoos with us for the rest of our lives- these are the things that will haunt us or make us smile forever. There need to be more services to help children deal with the frief that they may experience in their lives and perhaps they will remain better equipped for their adult lives.
And how do we get others on the periphery involved in the care of children who are experiencing these issues? We need teachers, ministers, and community leaders to huddle around our kids and protect them from the hurt way better than what we are currently doing.
And who is to say that they are not doing that already? But all of this still needs to be reinforced in the home- without that it sometimes feels like you are fighting a losing battle.
It is so easy to ofetn overlook what kids are dealing with because so many of them just have this tendency to go inward when they are facing challenges. It is crucial that we talk to them and keep them talking in return to get the emotions out there.
There are so many fabulous resources out there to help us deal with grief and loss, and yet so many of us turn to these in our times of need. We need to make good use of these services and hekp our children get the emotional care they need to survive the terrible event.
Is there a safe way to explain to a youbg child that a prent or loved one who has died will not be coming back, that death is final? Is there a way that will not cause them too much damage in the long run but which will allow them to grieve in a healthy way?
It always baffles me when people expect children to grieve like adults. They don't know how to do that- many adults don't either! We just have to make it a point to be there for them, be honest with them, and be there for them to fall back on when they need more comfort and understanding.
I have a very personal experience with this that I would like to share. My real father killed himself while my mother was actually pregnant with me so although I never knew him others always tried to hide this about him from me. It was not until I was a teen that I discovered the truth, but it left me free to grieve to more openly for the father I never knew. I think I would have been a whole lot healthier mentally had people in my family let me know all of this earlier and allowed me to find peace with it in a way that made much more sense than what I had to deal with.
Shannon that is a terirble experience that you have had to endure but it sounds as if you have really begun to work through that and are doing well with it. I admire your resilience and hope that there are others out there who are able to take the same steps you have taken and heal from those painful wounds.
This is so sad. People need to learn to treat children like children not as small adults and help them handle the grieveing process in a way that is age appropriate and safe for them.
This is imperative. Children process grief in a different manner than adults because they many times do not posess the cognitive skills to completely work through their issues in a way which will promote a healthy outlook for them in the long term. We all need to reamin very aware of this difference in the ways that young children handle the grief experience and make sure that they are able to freely express themselves and handle their emotions which is going to help them remain emotionally healthy in the future.
But there are people when bad things like this happen who simply let their kids navigate this unfamiliar wilderness alone because they do not know how to grieve either. This has to be a learning process for all involved.
I think that one of the biggest issues you will find when helping children work through grief is that they often do not have adult caregivers in their lives who even know how to help them begin the process in a healthy manner. Adults themselves often do not know how to do it and then they just perpetuate that same cycle in the children around them. It is not a matter of they do not want children to process things in an emotionally healthy way, it is just that they do not know how to themselves and therefore this leads to the same things playing out in the lives of the kids too.
This is when family therapy sessions can be so beneficial. You will help everyone deal with the grief and emotions in a situation in a way in which they will then be better able to nurture and support one another.
I am happy to see that my article provoked such a good discussion and to see death and grief come "out of the closet" in the thoughtful ways reflected in all of your responses. Thank you! In fact, I was watching the Rockies baseball game on TV this weekend, and was so pleased that the commentators did an in-depth interview with Brian Griese, former QB for the Broncos, now with Tampa Bay. Brian's mother Judi died when Brian was 12, and he founded Judi's House in Denver to support grieving children. It was truly awesome to hear grief discussed in such a public way! I would be happy to confer further with any of you.
Thanks for a very thoughtful article. Since responses to loss and trauma (one's resiliency) is closely related to the current state of ones relationships, especially the nature and quality of ones attachment relationships, I wonder how you'd factor that into your thinking? Did you do any work with the child and parents together? regards
That is an interesting question and one that I toto think is very relevant to the discussion. I too would love to know about any parent/child interactions that you may have witnessed and how that factors into this article's views. Thanks
As a classroom teacher I have witnessed in the past many heartbreaking instances of children working through grief alone with no one in the home to guide them. I consider myself and my profession in general a key resource for children to helping them understand what they are going through and to help them deal with their emotions when there is no one else there to help them do so.
Are you aware of the work of John Briere, Principles of Trauma Therapy and the text I wrote with a colleague about Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy, Creating Capacity for Attachment, which is about an evidence-based treatment for children who have experienced chronic early maltreatment within a care-giving relationship (Complex Trauma)? It seems that there are some important points of agreement between those works and your work. Very well presented.
Thank you all again. In response to some of your questions, I did have the opportunity through my work with Healing Circles to interact with both the children and their parents/primary caregivers, and do some process work with both, which can be very healing. On the other hand, sometimes the children feel safer to freely express their feelings. Sometimes they feel that they have to "protect" their adult family members and sometimes they just don't feel safe to express themselves with their parents, so it is my job to assess this and do what is best for the child. Dr. Becker-Weidman - thank you for your thoughts. I am aware of John Briere's work, and would be interested in seeing some of your work as well.
Dear Beth, I have published some material on Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy, which is an evidence-based approach for families with children with Complex Trauma and disorders of attachment. I will post a few references for you and others.
Dear Beth, I have published some material on Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy, which is an evidence-based approach for families with children with Complex Trauma and disorders of attachment. A few references are: “Child Abuse and Neglect: Effects on child development, brain development, psychopathology, and interpersonal relationships.” Therapeutic Child Protective Work, Vol. 1 #3, November 2003, pp 9-16, 2003. “Subtle signs of attachment sensitivities in adopted children,” Healing, Vol. 9, #1, pp 14 – 15, Spring/Summer 2004. Creating Capacity for Attachment: Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy in the Treatment of Trauma-Attachment Disorders. Arthur Becker-Weidman, Ph.D., & Debra Shell, (Eds.) Woods N Barnes publishing, Oklahoma City, OK, 2005 “Treatment for Children with Trauma-Attachment Disorders: Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy,” Child and Adolescent Social Work Journal. Vol. 23 #2, April 2006, pp 147-171. Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy: A multi-year Follow-up, in, New Developments In Child Abuse Research, Stanley M. Sturt, Ph.D. (Ed.) Nova Science Publishers, NY, Press 2006 pp. 43-60. Becker-Weidman, A., (2007) “Treatment For Children with Reactive Attachment Disorder: Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy,” http://www dot center4familydevelop dot com/research dot pdf This one you can get on my website. Becker-Weidman, A., & Hughes, D., (2008)“Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy: An evidence-based treatment for children with complex trauma and disorders of attachment,” Child & Adolescent Social Work, 13, pp.329-337. regards Art
This makes so much sense to me. There were times near the end of their lives when I saw my grandparents arguing over such silly things and it always totally baffled me. They used to be so loving and here they were spending the rest of their days (which were surely limited) arguing. They just did not know how they were going to be able to say goodbye to one another once the time came. This is a bittersweet reminder of how fragile life and love both can be.
Thanks so much for this. I had never given something like this ANY thought until I came across this article. This gives me little better insight into not only why older couples fight and argue but friends who are not so old as well. Sometimes we are all so afraid of what the future will hold than rather be hurt by it we would prefer to get the hurt over with by arguing and breaking a friendship down. Why is this the easier way for us to deal with things? I will never know but it is so logical that I am only sorry I was not given something to help me realize this sooner. Thanks.
When I cam across this article I had one of those real A-Ha moments. My wife had to go for an unexpected mammogram the other day because she had found a mass in her breast. I tried to be very loving and comforting but it seemed that the closer the date came for the test the more she pulled away from me. It left me baffled, like what was I doing wrong? The I came across this and realized that the pulling away and anger she must be feeling internally must be her coping mechanism, almost in preparation for finding something bad. Everything turned out just fine and benign, but this does give me more insight into the way we all deal with different things and how health scares can actually pull people apart.
I appreciate the work you did with this couple. I have found that with patients and with others, anger is easier to come out than sad and empathic feelings at times. I have worked with an elder in my practice and in the first 3 years he was very angry with his wife who had passed away when I began to see him. He would tell stories about their life together and he couldn't find much to say that was nice. When the 4th year of our work came around, he began to really recognize that he felt his wife was not that bad, they didn't always get along but now he missed her and felt the sad depressed part. I'm thankful that I was able to experience this with him. There were times in the treatment I would try to explore other experiences with his wife and it was always met with anger. Now he can talk about his life in more realistic terms and feelings. He is 95 years old, and I enjoy working with him. He is much more at ease now. Suzanne
this makes so much sense to me. It's like we don't want to separate from our friends or loved ones and when we are mad, it's easier for us. It's like.. I'll show them and we do things in haste without really thinking about it. I had a friend who lived in the same town as me.. she moved to another town, about an hour away. I was a little disappointed and when I didn't hear from her, I got kind of angry, that she had made knew friends and I was no longer her "best" friend. I have told my husband many times that she must like them more than me because she never visits. The truth is.. I still consider her a good friend, but at the same time, feel betrayed
I have a friend who's brother died back in December. He was mentally handicapped and before he died, he was very irritable with his mom, whom he lived with. His mom took very good care of him, seen to all his needs and yet his personality was very hateful toward the end. I am sure that my friends brother appreciated all his mom did for him and I believe he knew his time was up.
I think we tend to lash out to the people we love in desperate times because we know that they understand us and are closest to us and we are just in their pathway to do so. I have often heard of people lashing out to the ones they love. I also believe this is one way for them to communicate and they don't want us to worry about them, and this is the only way, at the time they know what to do.
This makes me so sad because I know that I behaved in the very same way when we knew my dad was dying. I was so angry with him for what I felt was leaving me, that I guess I understood on a subconscious level that perhaps staying mad at him would make it easier for me when he was gone. But it has not. It has left me with nothing but regrets for the things I did not say or do while he was alive so I urge anyone out there who is going through this right now to put all of those angry feelings aside and use the time that you have left in a more loving and caring manner.
I love my wife dearly, yet I often pick fights with her for trivial things. can't help mysef
Carolyn that story is so sad and yet I know it is not unique. I have seen people time and again turn away from the ones they love in the hope of warding off future pain. But this is not the way we shoukd deal with things like this. We should all strive to get better at confronting our demons and working to make them better. Ignoring it all only makes things worse in the long run as I am sure all of us already know.
What you said is very true. I don't realize too. I had big fight with my ex when he was about to work in overseas. I don't want him to go because I read in many places that distance relationship won't last longer. I guess. I'm worried of losing him, that's why I have created such a big fight and end up breaking with him. I never know about this termination process incurs. Thanks Jeanine for widening my eyes. Now, I'm a better person in tackling this issues.
Your article brought back plenty of poignant moments that I shared with my dad before losing him to cancer. He was fighting against pain and the fear that he wouldn't survive and we were fighting the fear of losing him forever. It created many tense moments where we argued over his resistance to treatment and his anger at everything. I guess neither of us could put the recurring fear into words and things just became worse. I wish I had read your article earlier, I could have handled the situation much better....
Sometimes I wonder whether all this has something to do with seeing the light. Anyway I do remember my grandpa yelling at grandma so loud it woke the neighbours everyday. The day all was quiet was the day he passed away in the morning.
This makes me sad. The end of your life should be a happy time, a time of reflection upon all of the good you have known and the joy of having a family around that cares for you. Instead it is too often filled with steeling yourself against the inevitable of what is to come and I am sure that this more than almost anything else causes so many of the elderly to decline so rapidly in both their physical health as well as mental health. Perhaps this will give us all a better understanding of what many of them are going through and will help us to treat them more kindly as a result.
This article brings a lot of insight to me. im glad that I'm not the only one who has went through something like this. I feel so guilty getting mad at someone over the stupidest things when it really is just something so little.
This was a very deep and interesting article. I have always been told, that if it's too much for you to handle, just let go and let God take care of it. It kinda sound the same here. What is beyond your control, let faith take over.
I believe everything has a reason in life. That there really are no coincidences. It's like a pattern that unfolds and what is suppose to happen in your chart will happen, it's suppose to happen and we are to learn from our life's journey.
For many of us I think it is easier to become attached to the illusion of how we wish things to be rather than facing the harsh realities of everyday life. We have built up these fantasies that ultimately do not come true and that does tend to cause the walls of reality to come crashing down upon us in a not so gentle or kind way. But in this way we have only set oursleves up for pain. It is nice though to see that there are those who care about us who tend to live our lives in these fantasy worlds and who have the tools to help us when we then find ourselves at your doorsteps seeking guidance and advice.
I think a lof of us or me especially are scared of what the outcome might be if we don't try to control what happens in our lives. I know things happen for a reason and we must learn from them, but it's hard to sit back and let faith take over. I guess you have to have a lot of faith to do that.
I think Yuri has said it beautifully. I think it's nice to dream about things the way we want them to be and who knows, maybe some of them will come true in it's own time.
Not being able to let go of illusion and simply live in reality is not healthy.
I think if you live in illusion way too long, it is going to wear you down because there is almost nothing you can do about it. It doesn't hurt anyone to dream that things will get better in the end, but I think we need to concentrate on what is there in front of us and if its something we can't change, let it go and it will take care of itself sooner or later.
I think things will work out eventually on it's own. we need to learn to let go and let it work it's ownself out whether we like it or not. Some things we just can't control
I am a fifty something year old man and I know that there are still days when I live in my own "what might have been" world and not in my true reality. I think it is ok to dream but not to the point that it interferes with every day life. Life is too precious to be consumed with our failed visions of what we thought would always happen but never did.
I love your site ... good to know you guys are outh there in the St. Louis community.
Letting go of those dreams that you have can be so sad though. It is almost like you are admitting failure when you let the dreams die.
Thanks for all of the comments and thoughts about this post. It is, I think, so challenging to be in the "now" and realize that where we came from is how we got "here." Letting go is about allowing things to unfold. Sometimes our egos tell us what we "think" things should look like. Ironically, that perception may be not be in our best interest, or meet what our true self actually needs. Yes, It is about control, as Carrie said. It is also about, as Yuri stated, when our pain comes from the contrast between our reality vs. our fantasies. When we get attached to how things were, should be, or might have been, that is where the struggle comes....
Your article is one of the best ones in distinguishing between faith and hope. Thanks for this - Warmly, Laura
Laura, thanks for the feedback; I truly appreciate it. Best wishes to you.
This was a very deep article. It reminded me of a friend from school who was so much in love with my best friend that he lost his mind in the process. Even after she had moved on, he had made a make believe life with her in which he lived with her. It got to a point when it started getting dangerous and he had to be put away. Living with illusions is a dangerous thing.
Thelma, Yes, that is a great example of how living with an illusion is such a slippery slope. We can see what we want to see, and when we act out of that place, can find major struggles. Thank you for the personal and powerful example.
I liked reading this article as it teaches us a lot of what we shouldnt obsess about.
My mother Dottie died from Alzheimer's disease and I have to tell you that the years I saw her going downhill were some of the hardest in my life. If you have never experienced this personally you will never know the loss you will feel to walk in a room with the woman who raised you and have her not know you from Adam. This was traumatic for me as we were always so close. IN truth it was a blessing when she did pass away because I knew that no longer was she suffering but it gave me the ok to try to heal myself. I just have to think back and appreciate all of the wonderful memories I have of her before this disease ravaged her body and I am more thankful for those than you could ever know.
It really takes a toll on the development of the young female when she loses her mother at a very early age. I did and my father was almost helpless as to knowing the right things to say and do at certain periods of my life. He did the best that he could but nothing can take the place of a loving and caring mother in the heart of a young girl. There are just things that should be experienced by moms and daughters that cannot be replaced by any other friend or family member. Even though I have very few memories of my mom those are the ones I treasure the most in the world and even as an adult I suffer from the pain of what I know I missed out on growing up motherless.
In my own experience I have discovered there is no real healing from this loss, only acceptance and resolve to move forward.
Dear Motherless Daughters, I want to thank those of you who have already written a response and those to follow. I am glad to see this article and blog is providing an arena and opening for you to commuicate and share your experiences. I hope this will continue. I would like to leave the blogging to you and for you, and have it be your space. If you would like to speak with me directly please contact me via Email from this site. Warm regards, Joan Elyse Schiff
Makes me even more thankful than ever that my mom is still around.
These losses must be even more difficult to face with Mother's day just around the corner.
Joan, Thanks for your reference to this childrens' story, which I remember reading to my daughter, when I was a single parent Dad, and my daughter had come to live with me, upon the insistence of her Mother. I recall that the story "opened the gate" to dialogue. Thanks for the memory. Gary
My mom is still around- thank goodness. She has seen me through good times and bad and there could be no one in your life to help you to do that better. I only hope that I am able to give that to my own daughter as she grows older.
My 3 nieces live with me. My sister committed suicide and my third niece is a toddler of 1+. She was in the same room as my sister when she died. I am worried if any deep emotional damage may have been done. The child shakes sometimes in jerky movements when she hears something loud or if she hears arguments. How do we seek counselling for a child so young.
Monica, It is very hard to do therapy with a pre-verbal child. As she get a little older I can suggest contacting The Healing Center. They have a website They have therapists there who do play therapy with young children who lost a parent. Most likely over time as you're neice becomes more secure in her new living environment she will display less of these behaviors. Please feel free to give me a call to talk more about options. Regards, Joan Schiff
Dear Motherless Daughters, As you can see I responded to a specific request regarding counseling. If you have such questions I will respond with resources and please don't hesitate to call me206. 523-5028 or email me at jestherapy@mindspring.com. with these questions. Regards, Joan Schiff
I am fortunate to still have my mother, but I did lose my dad when I was about 12 years old. I mourned and cried for weeks, I would go behind my grandmothers wood pile and sit and cry. I was scared to go to school, because I knew the kids knew or would know and talk. I wished so many times that I had a dad when i got older and got married and wished he was there to see his grandchild. It took me awhile to get over this and when I would get into an argument with my husband many years ago, I would think of my dad and wished he was here. It did take time and luckily I have gotten past that emotional time of my life.
I am curious Nelly how you got over it. These kind of things surface sometimes even after a decade. Sometimes we dont let go as they say emotional suffering is sweet torture.
I lost my mother two weeks ago. The pain is almost unbearable at times. I am not a child.... but a 57 year old woman. My Dottie was my rock and at 91 years old was going strong until the last three months of her life. The emptiness I am feeling is tremendous. I cannot even wash a couple of her sweaters....I thank God every night that she is free from pain but I am sure mine will continue for a long time
I lost my mother last summer. She was an incredibly young 71 years old. My Mom wasn't sick. She was just taking a morning drive with my nephew to see the rafters go into the rapids at a nearby river. She didn't see the SUV and she was taken within 2 minutes of being hit. Some days I feel like my pain is finally starting to subside, but most of the time I just feel stuck. My husband and kids don't know the pain I feel because I hide it so well. I do thank God every day that I had such an amazing relationship with my mother. I do feel her presence at times, but I still feel stuck... I just found this blog and in some small way it's a help... Thank You.
I lost my beloved mother last march 2009. She died of cancer. She was only 49 years old. When she died i felt my world stopped. I cant believe i lost my mom. I never felt this intense pain I couldnt imagine the time would come i will no longer see her smile, hear her laugh, feel her warm embrace. The pain is too much for me to handle. I love my mom so much and she has been there for me every step of the way and all of a sudden she's gone. People would tell me i will get through this I ask myself when will that time come? I always pray I will be able to accept and move on with my life. When i dream of my mom or even see her photo i would break down and cry. I miss her so much. I love you so much mommy.
I'm grateful I found this wonderful therapist that has allowed us to vent on this blog. I emailed Joan today as I was searching for books on Amazon to help heal my life since my Mom passed at 42 yrs.old,I was only 8. My life has been exactly as she describes could happen to most of us that lost Mothers so very young. The empty feeling never goes away,plus being raised by married siblings who had their own kids was the killer.I was used to babysit,never felt a hug,kiss or kind word,my Father took to drinking more,then left and remarried,never coming back for me. I've ordered a few books tonight,would love to start a group here in Orlando,I'm sure there are others whom would welcome some type of group meetings just to talk to other woman who were left orphaned and used for others benefits,some that are so traumatic you still shudder when the memory flashes in front of your eyes.Nobody could know what young children endure that have been pushed aside and just used for domestic help. Thanks to Joan for her article I found today,and all of you who are brave enough to write into this blog.Bless all of us.
As most of the material is done for motherless daughters its hard for sons who lost their mothers at an early age to find books. I have read Motherless Daughters book, spoke to a therapist and it did help...somehwat. Pain never goes away. I lost my mom when I was 14 to cancer...At the time I blocked it completely....then at 19 I left my country for US due to a civil war which was another loss. The pain of my mothers loss hit me some 20 years later with a full force. It was a powerfull,tough very painfull experience. But you have to go through a full grief process as a first step. Its not easy, there are times I feel that gray emptyness but now I understand that it will stay with me forever, my mom will not come back and I have to move foward and seek some kind of peace within me. I would be nice to communicate to someone via email regarding the shared experiences.
Feeling of sadness washes upon me like a tidalwave. Today is my mother's birthday, and christmas is upon us. My mother has been gone 25 years, and I still have not yet gotten over her death. I never sought a greif counslor, and I just can't get over the loss. I know seeking cousel would be good, but I was labeled as a child, and feel insecure about seeking help. I miss her, and went to visit today her resting place, like I do 2xs a year. I've been to motherless daughter teas, and have read part of the motherless daughter book, but still cannot get over my grief. I have just started a relationship for the first time in my life, (Late Bloomer) and don't want to bring in this part of my past for fear he won't understand. Why can't I be in the present and thinking of the future? Why must I bring in the past hurts? Just wanted to let you know my feelings, and hope to one day reply back to this site when I've seeked the help I need.
I love that book: Are you my mother. It's a classic. Thanks for a great article too. x Joanna
I am a motherless daughter, however my mom is still alive. As a young child, I learned to find my mothering from other women, mostly teachers. At 36, I still have found that when I am really depressed, I look for the "replacement" mom. It is such a strong longing. Recently, I have realized that each women that help me along the way are a big part of who I am today, however at the end of the day...I am alone. I am the only one that can mother me. No one to call upon to motherly me or sooth my aching heart. I must learn to find the mother in me and love me and my inner child myself. I am in the process of trying to mourn my loss of my "mother figure." Oh, how I have dreamed of having a shoulder to cry on or someone to hold me tight like a mother to a child would do. Mourning my dream is so hard to do. I've cried myself to sleep so many night. I feel bad calling my therapist so often...but I hurt so bad.
i'm wondering if the same applies to the loss of an older child...somehow i imagine this would be even harder since parents would be far more attahced to, say, a 3 year old, than a new born. Any parents able to chime in with thoughts on this?
Seems to me that any time there is good communication within a relationship that it would be a whole lot easier to withstand the death of a child. I am not saying that there is ever anything that could make this loss easier but no matter the age of the child if the parents can find a way to not hold in the grief and to turn to one another instead there could be a better chance that they could then hold their marriage together. I have never lost a child and could never even imagine the heartache that this must bring but I have seen couples who literally implode when this happens, all because they have not nurtured their relationship before all of this happened so that when hit with this sad experience they now do not have a partner to turn to.
Let me begin by saying that I never have experienced the death of a child either. But I see what you mean by experiencing concordant grief and how this can really help a relationship grow. A few years ago my spouse and I went through some very difficult hardships in our marriage causing a lot of pain and I felt that I would not be able to move on past it. However with the help of a fantastic marriage therapist and the education that we got there that helped each of us open up and communicate better we came through this situation a much stronger couple.
I can't even imagine losing a baby but of course it makes sense to talk your feelings out with your loved one/spouse/partner to help mend.
Last year my daughter and her husband went through the pain of having a stillborn child and it has rocked not only their marriage but the dynamic of our entire family to the core. I was excited about my first grandchild as they were excited about their first child together. But that was not meant to be. We have all tried finding answers through our faith and God but it has still been a challenge. We are all making headway but there is so much grief involved when it is the death of a child that you are always wondering about the what ifs. I sympathize strongly with other families who have experienced the same things because I know just how hard it is to get things together after something such as this happens. We all just pray a lot and even still cry but hopefully things will get better soon.
I am surprised to hear that sometimes men experience more grief than the women. Perhaps it is just a different grieving process for the two?
I had an ectoposy pregnant about 5 years ago and although I was in my 30’s, I was shocked to find out I was pregnant. I was only 5 weeks according to doctor and at the time I didn’t want another child. I felt so guilty when I went to hospital and they said it was in my tubes and they were going to have to do surgery. couple months before I kept dreaming about a baby girl… I still wonder to this day if it was a agirl. I have a son now and dreamed of one day having a girl before I hit my mid 30’s. I guess I didn’t go through the initial pain and grief because at the time I didn’t even know I was pregnant, even tho it was ectopic, but I did go through some guilt thinking this was why i couldn’t have it.
When a marriage has a good strong foundation then I am convinced that it can weather any storm. But I really do sadly think that too many marriages today are built on superficial foundations, and that once they are tested by a tragic event like the death of a child then they have nothing to fall back on. I am not trying to be judgemental at all but that is the way that I see it. I also think that in situations like these it takes a village to help the family keep everything together- that is to say extended family has to step in as well as an experienced medical staff to help the parents pick up the pieces and get through the grieving and healing process intact.
I personally have never lost a child, but I have had a miscarriage and lost my mother and brother who were not only very young, 43 and 22, but they passed away within two years of each other. As well, our family has had to cope with the deaths other family members and friends. It is absolutely heart wrenching to see the pain that my grandparents suffer from the loss of my mom and to know the anguish that my father suffers from not only the loss of my mom but also my brother. All of the losses that myself and my entire family has suffered has been devastating. There is no doubt that it has a major impact on relationships as well as a family dynamics. Communication is without a doubt key, but as you pointed out that comes more difficult for men.
Marriage has to be on solid ground or else it will always be torn apart by the smallest things.
This is so true, Olivia. You have to have that love, understanding and support there, especially with something like this.
I was inspired to start a blog after the passing away of a friend's child. I think the premature death of a child changes relationships forever. It changes people and opens our eyes to so many things we take for granted. My friends who lost their little girl are such an inspiration for so many of us. They not only got through their grief together but today are role models for an ideal marriage.
Families, Friends and support from everyone really does make a difference. No one should face anything like this alone. I can't even imagine anyone going through this tough time.
It is very sad to see any child losing a parent early in life... It can break a child's heart to the extent that he/she is not interested in anything at all. This needs to be taken care of by the surviving parent or any known person, or a counselor... A child who has lost his/her parent should never be let alone, someone should be there to hold his hand at all times, guiding him through every situation where his deceased parent was required to be with him.
My friend's mother died of cancer when she was only ten and she has never got over it. She says she never will. Every milestone in her life has been tough because her mother wasn't there to celebrate it with her. The hardest was when she had her children. We've been friends since childhood and I've seen this for thirty years. It's heartbreaking.
hi,i totally agree with mickie its really very heart breakin for children to loose there parents at an early age.I lost my grandfather when my mother was still in her teens it wwas really crictal for my mother to cope with the situation.If my aunt would not hav monitored my mother would not have come out of it inn the right time.
Beth Patterson's article on loss was of great interest to me since I have ran many grief groups and individual therapy. I was happy to see her write about Worden's tasks since I always turned to his theory and tasks since he does take into consideration the developmental stages which is a huge factor on how one grieves and heals. Grieving is as unique as every individual is unique and although I use Kubler-Ross's 5 stages of grief in my work, I find that Worden's tasks gives one a much more understanding into the affects of a loss of a parent at a particular age and how it affects the person throughout life.
Thank you all for sharing your personal stories of loss. I hope that you continue to grow on your journey. The guidance and partnership of a trained grief counselor can be invaluable to help transform grief and loss into healing and growth.
I lost my dad when I was five and I have to say that even now i am still grieving for what might have been because I never knew how to deal with all of that as a child.
Dear Patricia: I am so sorry that you have not connected with the support needed to heal your grief. It is unfortunate that the therapists you've worked with are unable to sit with and work with the grief you are continuing to experience. I agree that you have likely experienced traumatic grief. I would be happy to talk with you. Please feel free to email me at bethpatt@mac.com. Sincerely, Beth Patterson, MA, LPC
At 52, I am still struggling with the loss of my 18 yo sister when I was 2 followed by the loss of my Father when I was 9. When my father died, I was alone with him in the house and I went into some kind of psychological shock. I was in the house for hours before my mother got home from work. Nothing was ever done about these traumas and they became almost a taboo topic growing up b/c my mother was so fragile. I am only now coming to understand through my own reading that I probably experienced Traumatic Grief. I think that the trauma symptoms arose every time I began to feel grief and I backed away from them leaving me with "frozen grief". I have never even cried about my father's loss, yet I am haunted by it. Everyone, including every therapist I've ever seen just seems to want to "brush" right past this and address my current issues (which are many). My own reluctance to address this doesn't help, b/c I begin to go into a panic attack when I feel that I'm close to talking about it, so in the moment, I'm just as happy to let it go. Long term, I feel some resentment that "here's just one more person" who won't help me "go there". Everyone seems to agree that the "past is the past" and I understand that, but part of me is still standing in that bedroom reaching out to find that my sleeping father is ice cold.
My cousin had a similar problem after the death of his mother, my aunt Fiona... she passed away while on a trip to to Hawaii and whenever he saw or heard about Hawaii, it would make him stunned and he would sweat profusely. This went on for more than 6 months and finally his family took him to a psychotherapist and he is all fine now, by God's grace.
Thanks a lot for this very informative article. I never thought about what the near and dear ones of the deceased go through, probably because I'm too young and have not been in such a situation. As if losing your close one was not enough, the other family members of the deceased also have to go through the pain of seeing one from their family suffering... ahh...this is too sad even to imagine... peace.
I always think that it is a wonderful thing when new techniques are discovered and used to help people cope with whatever anguish and stress they may be going through. I have never lost a close family relative but I imagine that it would be so difficult to process. It makes me feel good to know that there are those out there who develop their life's work all to benefit the greater good, and to those people I do not think that there is enough gratitude in the world to thank them for all of the hard work that they do.
It is not just a professional achievement to have found this new technique but also an achievement for the human spirit. Every new technique found is bound to help numerous individuals tide over problems in their life and make it more lively and liveable. Kudos :)
Living life that way must be so hard... and it must be hard for the family members of such people too... hard to imagine, but I feel really sad for such people and am delighted to know about this new way to deal with such cases...
Thanks for your comment, Luke. I don't believe that anyone really just "moves on" after the death of a loved one. Grief that is not complicated by trauma involves transforming one's relationship to the deceased so that they remain a presence in the bereaved's life. When the death itself was traumatic, or where the relationship was a complex or ambivalent one, then other work is necessary to heal from grief. Grief is not something to "get over", but to "go through" to grow and heal.
both are above mentioned cases are very sad and it is very sad that some people just cannot move on after a tragedy has struck them... i think it has to do with the level of involvement the sufferer had with the deceased person and also the personality of the sufferer, because not everybody will be affected to such a level, it has to do with the personality too...
Thank you all for your comments regarding my article. They are very appreciated. What I love about EMDR is that it is more than a "technique" - it is truly a whole body approach. I find my work with the bereaved incredibly inspiring, and what inspires me most is people's resilience and their abilities to find their reservoirs of strength in the face of tragedy. I would be happy to talk to any of you further. Sincerely, Beth Patterson, MA, LPC
It is hard to imagine what people in such a situation go through but it sure is a tough and very traumatic period in their lives. Love and care and from the family and family bonding is sure to help.
Yes, Giles, I agree that family support is so important after a death, especially when it is traumatic. Sometimes, though, families can fracture in the face of this kind of stress, and professional support can become necessary. Beth Patterson, MA, LPC
I had to long ago resign myself that from the very beginning we are dying, it is all just a matter of how long it takes you to get to that atge of your life. I think that the best way to live though is not to focus on when the end will come but living every day so that when it does come I have no regrets.
Well said Cal... it is important to leave everyday like it is our last, making best use of each day and each minute of our lives, doing constructive work and trying to help fellow-beings whenever possible. It is through such actions, that we will have no regrets when our end does embrace us.
I think the reason some people are skeptical about a change even when it is positive is because they are just so taken aback and hurt due to the loss... the new replacement does not seem convincing to them at first...
Thank you, all, for your comments. Don't you wish it was easier to "be" than "do"??
Very well explained, a good easy-to-understand post. Well, I completely agree when you say that we tend to look for and find a replacement when we lose something. This has happened to me quite a few times after having fallen out of relationships. But from what I have discovered, being too hasty in finding that replacement can get you into believing that something, or rather someone, is better than they actually are, and will be a bad step to take on your part.
Very well explained, a good easy-to-understand post. Well, I completely agree when you say that we tend to look for and find a replacement when we lose something. This has happened to me quite a few times after having fallen out of relationships. But from what I have discovered, being too hasty in finding that replacement can get you into believing that something, or rather someone, is better than they actually are, and will be a bad step to take on your part.
Thank you for this article. I plan to share this with some friends and family.
I find that I have always run into problems in this area when I do not give myself the proper time to actually grieve the loss. That is when I have discovered that the healing process takes a longer amount of time and it is more difficult. Too often I think that people are forced to think that they have to heal quickly from these types of losses and for so many of us that is not the way it needs to be. We need to take the time to take care of ourselves and give ourselves the time that we need to come to terms with the loss, grieve it, and then find a way to turn it into something positive.
yes,i agree that it is easier to be than to do... everybody's got capabilities,yes, but not everybody is in the mood to work towards things...and even if a person want to, there are a lot of factors that may not allow the person to do all the things that he would really want to... as they say, ignorance is bliss ;)
Well I think such people need good counselling in order to be able to adapt to the change and let go of what has now been eliminated/lost. This way, it will put an end to them living in the past and save them from a lot of problems and trouble for those around them.
Thanks, all! Kendrik, I agree that good counseling can be helpful, and it is important for therapists to understand that adapting to a change often entails grief and a good therapist can help validate the feelings of loss and help normalize the intensity of the grief the person may feel. James, what I said is that it is easier to be than do -- we prefer to fill the space with doing something rather than sitting with whatever we are feeling. Being is a key to good listening as well -- it's not about the doing-ness of giving advice, trying to fix things, etc. Rather, it's about being a caring presence. And, being in the context of change and loss involves caring for ourselves without all the hectic doing that is so habitual.
Actually I am an animal psychologist in practice since 1993. Unreconciled grief in non-humanidti forms is one of the top reasons why I am called to cases. Unresolved grief on the part of humans most definitely contributes to the unique constellations of behaviors on the pRt of the pets themselves. If you're interested in hearing more let me know!
I know that anytime I have been a pet sitter there are always times when it seems the dogs and cats are actually looking for their owners to come no matter how entertained I keep them. And one dog that I kept for two weeks did seem to go through a grieving process- I swear that dog was just so different without her owners around. Usually energetic she was mopey and lazy- I could barely even get her to go for a walk. But do you know what? The minute she saw her people again she was right back to being her old self. Funny how animals are rarely given any credit for being smart, but so many of them are and this is a real eye opener that pets and animals have feelings too.
Yes, I do believe that animals grieve too..,. I have heard of and even seen many pets grieving after having lost a fellow-pet in the house or a person in the family...theuy go without food for several days and sometimes lose out to the grieve and depart themselves. Sad but true.
Pets I would think take on some of the traits of their owners. So when the owner is grieving the animal will too. And they will deal with certain situations only in the ways that they have been trained by us to do. So I have no doubts that they can grieve, feel loss and excitement. But no matter what it is up to us as responsible pet owners to give them a safe and happy life, and to provide for them no matter their needs.
Thank you so much to all of you for your thoughtful and thought-provoking comments. They are much appreciated! Sincerely, Beth Patterson, MA, LPC
I am dealing with unresolved grief. One of my dogs dearly loved his master and His personality has changed since he has been gone(divorce). People tell me I am crazy thinking the dog still grieves. I certainly do. I try to give him love but I feel his major attachment was to my Ex.
When my father in law was diagnosed with terminal cancer and given only a few short weeks to live we knew that we all wanted to make hospice care a part of the last weeks and days of his life. And what a blessing that care was. Thye got all of us to a place where we all felt better about the dying process, and saw it for the good that it would bring instead of focusing on the sadness. His workers made his last days so much comfortable than any of us could have done alone and and I know that I speak for the entire family when I say what an unplifting experience it was to have the hospice workers help us through this emotional and stressful time. I do not know why these services go underused but I would encourage anyone with a loved one with a terminal illness to look into providing that for their family member. It made a huge difference for us and made the sadness of his dying just a little easier to bear.
i have seen that most people think of hospice as something that is bad and it is something like everybody getting together and waiting for the death of a family member. But I just think it is much more than that...it is not bad as most people think of it as...people need to be sensitised regarding this and only then can there be some improvement.
Families need support in trying times when they are facing the death of someone that they love and that is where hospice care can do so much. They give you the facts about what to expect but help you come to terms with that and understand it instead of leaving you in fear of what to expect. they are always there to answer questions and give you support, even just be that shoulder to cry on when you need it. I just can't say enough about the services and the help that they can offer to you.
Thank you all for your comments. It is sch a shame that people have misconceptions that prevent them from utilizing this great service. I work for SolAmor Hospice, in addition to my private therapy practice, and would be happy to chat with any of you individually you can contact me through my profile here: http://www.goodtherapy.org/beth-patterson-therapist.php. Please let me know if I can support you, your friends, family members in any way.
You do have to know that there are many misconceptions out there about hospice because it does feel like the final steps that you will take before losing someone that you love. That is very difficult for most of us to deal with, and no matter how much you know that these are people who care and who can help the entire family on this journey, it still must feel awfully scary to make the decision to bring in hospice care and begin preparing to say goodbye.
People really need to be hospice-educated.I say this because I have seen two of my own friends dismissing the idea of hospice for their aged parents because they think it is derogatory to the aged people.I tried telling them abgout it because my grandmother was in hospice before she passed away,but they would just not listen...
Niki - I understand that people think that hospice is the end, and Elizabeth, I totally agree that people need to be hospice-educated. I agree, Niki, that it is scary to choose hospice care for a loved one, but it does not mean giving up --as Elizabeth's friends seem to have thought. Rather, it means insuring the best quality of life possible for the patient, and the best emotional and spiritual care possible for both the patient and his or her loved ones.