Reasons for the Affair
January 14th, 2010
By Dana Vince, LMHC, Infidelity / Affair Recovery Topic Expert Contributor
Click here to contact Dana and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile
There are many reasons why an affair happens. It can rarely be narrowed down to just one thing. Sometimes it is factors in the relationship that have the greatest impact, other times it is problems within the individual. In this article I am going to talk about one common factor that can be a major contributor in an affair.
First let me explain internal vs. external sense of self worth. People who have an internal sense of self worth know that they are valuable simply because they exist. They are aware of their own strengths and have a positive view of themselves regardless of their current circumstances. It’s not that they don’t see flaws in themselves, but they understand that’s normal and they don’t need others to validate them to know that they are okay.
A person with an external sense of self worth relies on people outside of themselves to validate their worth. Someone else must recognize their strength and worth for them to think they have any. For example, a boss must verbalize appreciation for their work or they feel useless, if no one tells me I’m beautiful then I must not be. If no one recognizes them, they must not have value. This is the person that is very vulnerable to having an affair. I’ll explain why.
All marriages go through periods of disconnection. This is a very normal marital occurrence. With children, careers, extended family, and other daily obligations become detractors in marriage. When this happens, the person who gets their sense of self worth from their partner will take this disconnection personally. They will tell themselves things like “he no longer notices me so he must not think I’m attractive” or “she’s so busy with the kids, she doesn’t care about me”. This person may then seek recognition and attention outside the marriage. They are constantly needing reassurance that they are valuable and if they are not getting that from their spouse, they may get it from someone who provides that kind of feedback and attention outside the relationship.
For people with an internal sense of self worth, they look at it more as part of marriage and will take the steps to reconnect with their partner. Disconnection in marriage is normal. In the next article I will talk about how to recognize it, cope with it, prevent it and reconnect when it does happen.
It’s important to understand that this is only one potential vulnerability to an affair. However, if you recognize that you do not have an internal sense of self worth, for yourself and the sake of your marriage it is important to work on this. Know your strengths and the value you bring to life and your marital relationship. And when you feel your partner turning away from you, don’t take it personally. There is nothing wrong with you, you are still lovable, valuable, and important even if there isn’t always someone recognizing it. Learning to love yourself from the inside helps you to become a more stable partner in the marriage and less vulnerable to infidelity.
©Copyright 2010 by Dana Vince, M.A., LPC, MHSP, therapist in Knoxville, TN. All Rights Reserved.
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15 Comments | Click here to leave a comment.
Comments
People grow up and grow apart. I don’t think self worth is a factor so much as change within themselves.
It is very important to make sure that you are open to your partner.This helps most often to prevent infidelity because you are so transparent.Talking about the cause,it may be because of the weakness of a partner towards another person that triggers this.
Reasons for the affair. . . ummm selfishness?
Well I just think that an affair happens only if there is a certain amount of disconnect between the couple.This is trigerred by lack of communication in most cases.It is also coupled with a decrease in the physical aspect of the relationship.
As I said in the article, there are many different reasons an affair happens. I only covered one such area here. I will be covering the importance of connection in the next article. Infidelity is a very complex issue that effects all kinds of marriages. It is a very painful act of betrayal, by understanding yourself and your partner, couples can work to reduce the risk of infidelity in their own relationship. These articles are intended to be an educational aid. If you have experienced infidelity in your relationship, counseling is highly recommended.
Look the fact of the matter is that no matter the reasons for having an affair, it is still wrong no matter which way you look at it. The bottom line is that people, good people and bad people are going to get hurt, so to me analyzing it to death does n good. You either have to resolve to get through the situation together or to move on without having that person continue to be a part of your life.
My husband had an affair years agao and still to this day has never been able to give me a good reason why, and I have my suspicions but have never been able to prove them. But in the end I chose to stay, maybe for the family maybe for complacency but that is what I chose and then I had to find a way to make it a liveable situation for me. It has not always been easy but there we are. And now years later it still hurts but I am not sure that knowing the reasons why he did what he did would serve to make it any better, or that it would have even then.
Perhaps I should have titled the article, Affair prevention, that’s really what is trying to be illustrated here. Certainly this is not going to speak to each unique couples experience with infidelity. I am sorry for what you have gone through in your marriage. As I have seen with the couples in my office, the after effects of an affair can be devastating, and even if you find the answer as to why it happened, that answer is never going to make it ok. It’s not supposed to, nothing makes it ok.
Most people suffer an unfaithful partner for the sake of children, for keeping the family intact.But what they do not know is that they are hurting themselves immensely because of this.If you want to forgive your partner genuinely,only then should you forgive and not becuase of any other reason,whatever it may be.
I think there is a danger of over-intellectualising here. While some people may think long and hard about such a thing, it can also happen very spontaneously or be trigered by a seemingly superficial event such as an argument.
Sandra, your comment. “Reasons for the affair. . . ummm selfishness?”
Tell that to the wife stuck in a loveless marriage to an alcoholic that can’t leave because she has nowhere to go and no money. Nothing in her home life makes her happy. So she has an affair because she needs to feel loved.
Or the man who has a seriously ill wife. He still loves her and doesn’t want to leave her. He misses the physical side of the relationship that she can’t share with him anymore. So he has an affair instead of a divorce.
If they can find a little love in life, I wouldn’t grudge them that. Who are we to judge? It’s not always about some guy groping his secretary.
Dana, I look forward to reading the rest of the series! That was most informative. Thank you.
Sorry Jacquie, but I disagree. Marriage is when you make a vow to God and you stick to it. If you can’t then get a divorce and do what you will. But there is no excuse good enough for me. That’s just the way I feel about it.
So God would prefer a divorce? What happened to “till death do us part”? I don’t follow your logic. But shall agree to disagree.
“They are constantly needing reassurance that they are valuable and if they are not getting that from their spouse, they may get it from someone who provides that kind of feedback and attention outside the relationship.”
I think that’s hitting the nail on the head right there. It’s easy to get so caught up in kids, schedules, chores and work that couples don’t make time for being a couple and nothing else. Thanks Dana!
Why anybody thinks the attention they get from their spouse won’t change is baffling. Your wives and husbands don’t give you the same amount of attention they did twenty years ago because life has changed and so have you! Think about it. It was just the two of you in the beginning. You had all the time in the world to be and do things together.
Throw in a career or two, children, aging parents and what do you have? Things that cost time. Grow up, please! An affair isn’t the answer. Time management is.
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