Learning How to Support Gay Students
October 3rd, 2011
By Karen Kochenburg, LCSW LGBT Issues Topic Expert Contributor
Click here to contact Karen and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile
I carry some pain with me from the times I have failed to be there for students when they really needed it. I have worked as a school counselor for over a decade, and I’ve always been particularly aware of students grappling with sexual orientation issues. Every situation has been different: some students have hinted that they may be “uncomfortable” in their own skin; some have firmly rejected any insinuation they may not be one hundred percent straight; some students have come out to me before I had any clue they were even leaning in that direction. All of my interactions with gay students have left marks on my heart and soul.
In my earlier years as a middle school counselor, I had neither the experience nor the maturity to be a solid mentor to students who came to me with sexual orientation issues. Looking back, I realize I was unclear as to how “out” I could be at school and with students, which gave an awkward quality to my interactions and responses. I also think my experience with my own sexual orientation influenced my choices and actions regarding my students’ issues. The natural and political limitations on my personal authenticity at the time hindered my ability to fully support students the way I would have liked to.
It is a fact that a person does not need to be gay to be an ally to someone who is. All an ally needs is comfort and confidence in one’s own self and a desire to accept and normalize anything a young person brings to the table. I can pretty easily draw the line between the time of my life when I could truly do this and when I just thought I could. I still mentally cringe when I remember my responses to some of the students with whom I crossed paths early on in this career.
There is one girl I refer to as “the girl I failed”. I know that she is fine now and that she has had a lot of support in her life, but I was someone she identified as a safe outlet, and I let her down. We met when she was just finishing middle school and we remained in contact during her high school years. She often came to my office at school to help with projects and chat about her friends, ambitions, and interests. We attended the same church and she had met my girlfriend on a number of occasions, so she knew I would be accepting if the topic of her own sexuality ever came up. I had noticed some hints that she was reflecting on questions of sexual orientation, but she had avoided bringing it up in conversation. Then, one day, she opened the door to her inner experience a tiny crack and gave me the cue to come in and look around. I did not walk through that door. I did not recognize the invitation. I unintentionally eased the door shut and very gently clicked the lock into place. It pains me because this was the moment I had been subconsciously watching for, and when it came I was neither mentally nor emotionally secure enough to make the most of it. The sharpest pain of all is that I did not get a second chance. Once that door was shut, there was no re-entry. I knocked a few times, but she didn’t even come to the peephole. I lost touch with her after that.
My lesson: Any young person may be questioning their romantic preferences. And if they are looking for support from a trusted adult, they will find a way to broach the topic, potentially in a very subtle way. Kids confronting their sexuality will likely be very self-conscious, potentially confused, and often alone. They will rarely come out and say, “I think I’m gay and I’m dying to talk about it, but I’m way too embarrassed to just tell you”. Teens and pre-teens who are ready to reach out will find a moment that feels right to them. Being conscious and “in the moment” is a very practical skill for being attuned to young people and truly connecting with and supporting them.
Previous to “the girl I failed”, there was another girl who I tried to reach out to and “help”. This is a story about the importance of offering help when it is requested rather than deciding to force help upon someone before they are ready. She was a spunky kid, scrappy and funny and spinning out of control in many ways. She wore Hefty bags on her legs and put orange spikes in her hair. She was tough in a “Jo from ‘The Facts of Life’” kind of way, so I immediately took to her. She wasn’t outwardly looking to bond with a counselor, but she responded to my attempts to connect. After many months of working with her in an after-school program, she developed a crush on a girl that was impossible to hide. At the same time, she started making some unhealthy decisions and her parents became very concerned. I took the opportunity to reach out and invite her to our school’s GSA (Gay-Straight Alliance club). That really didn’t go over well. She was not ready and the glaring call-out of what was completely obvious to everyone was uncomfortable and off-putting for her. It also marked me as someone unsafe and threatening to the world she had created for herself. She backed away from me after that and our relationship was damaged. I left the school after that year, so I didn’t get to see how our interactions may have evolved. I heard that she came out in a big way the following year, so who knows whether she might have sought my support when she was ready for it.
My lesson: Don’t jump the gun. Coming out is a long and personal process, which everyone undergoes according to their own needs and timetable. It is helpful to be available and accepting, as long as your actions honor the time frame and preferences of the other person. We cannot decide the right time for someone to address their own personal issues. We all get to reach out for help when we want it, and deal with things on our own when that feels right.
I have been the first person to whom several of my students have come out. It is an enormous honor and testament to the deep trust that I was able to build with them. Unfortunately, school personnel always have to consider carefully whether it is safe for them to share their sexual orientation openly in the school community. Historically, once a student came out to me, I would share my own status in the “family,” ostensibly to increase their comfort level and ensure them that they were in good company. I have noticed over the years, however, that once a student is comfortable enough to share their most-private information with me, my own sexual orientation is irrelevant. They have already decided their secrets are safe with me. And bringing up my own experience smacks of turning the conversation away from the student, which is the same as putting up an interpersonal barrier. A moment of coming out is a powerful rite of passage and one instance in time when all eyes, ears, and mental focus need to be entirely on that person and their thoughts and feelings.
My lesson: Children and adolescents are most vulnerable before they come out to a trusted adult. That is the time when they need to receive messages that they are not alone and that they are perfectly okay. Several years ago I decided the best plan for me was to post lots of signs and symbols in my room at school marking the territory as gay-friendly. When topics of homo- or bi-sexuality come up in conversation, I address them directly but casually, completely normalizing the subject matter. And if a student asks me point-blank about my orientation, I answer them honestly and cheerfully. I want to make it clear that queer and questioning students have a peer and ally right in their vicinity and that happiness is entirely possible for them exactly as they are.
I am embarking on a new journey this year in my middle school—we are starting our school’s first-ever Gay-Straight Alliance club. My principal is concerned about backlash from parents and the community, so our plan is to advertise through a subtle grassroots campaign and hope that the students looking for support will know where to come. I have reached out to a few students with whom the topic has come up and the principal has included our club (“Alliance”) in the daily announcements. Our first activity was to make rainbow pins and explain to the students who came by that the pins show support for people who are gay or bi, and that wearing one means they are not “haters.” This language seemed to resonate with our students, and we have already had lots of kids pick up rainbow pins for themselves and their friends.
One group that came in to talk with me included a boy I know casually by sight and through a couple of his friends. I asked him if he wanted a pin and he looked in my eyes for a split-second before accepting one. The next day, I passed his group in the hallway and he reached out and gave me a huge, spontaneous hug. I think that brief moment in my office made a connection for him and I hope that he will dare to trust me if he needs support or just a friend during this particular moment of his life. Connecting with adolescents is amazing, challenging, and supremely rewarding, and can be a true blessing if approached with care, compassion, and confidence.
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Comments
I am so happy to hear that classroom teachers are becoming more aware of this issue and the ways that they can offer help to students who may feel confused and lonely due to coming to terms with the fact that they could be gay or lesbian. I have often wondered how I would feel if my own child said she was gay, and I hope that I will be as openminded as I generally feel. So for me as a parent to know that there are going to be others whom I can count on as support in that vein if ever I need it makes me feel good. I know that teachers and those who deal with students on a daily basis have to be so strong and willing to listen, and I would just like to say thank you for everyone who does that at home and at work everyday.
although counselors in schools are a great thing, it has one tiny problem that I think exists after having read this article-That the counseling happens in a school environment.
You know,a student may not want to go and speak with the counselor because he or she does not want his or her friends and peers to find out about why he or she approached the counselor, due to a generally existing bias.
Also,things are not that comfortable for a student in a school setting due to a variety of reasons.
So what I would suggest is that there be an additional facility wherein a student can get coupons from the school and each coupon can be redeemed for one counseling session at the counselor’s private office outside the school.
What do the people here think of this?
None of my friends in high school were gay. Why the prevalence of that now? It is like it is a fad or something to be gay or bi. Are there more students like this or do you think that we are more open as a society to accepting this lifestyle choice?
Its not ping to be easy trying to help gay students unless you have been trained for the same or have prior experiences with gay people of similar age.
And in any counseling,gaining the trust of the client is very essential.Unfortunately,it becomes hard to deal with adolescents because many a times they do not know what they are going to do and are unsure about trusting the schools counselor.
When you view all these aspects,I definitely think you have no reason to regret about having let down that one student.
Gary-In my district, school counseling is not meant to provide a deep therapeutic experience. As you mentioned, there are limits on privacy, time, and other logistical considerations. We are there to provide support and problem-solving for students who want it, and I have more students asking for our help than we can serve. I refer out to free and sliding-scale community agencies whenever possible, but the majority of our students do not have parents who are able or willing to take them to private counseling. In fact, most of my students prefer seeing a counselor on campus so that their parents don’t have to be closely involved. Your coupon idea is interesting, but money is always an issue in private schools. In order to implement that, the school would need to pay the outside therapist, and there just isn’t money for that sort of thing.
Kendall- Yes, our society is much more accepting of homosexuality than it ever has been. The new generation is much less homophobic and hateful, at least in my area. I even have boys now who are comfortable identifying as gay or bi, which is a huge stride forward. There have always been gay people, but now they are becoming more comfortable accepting themselves and trusting that others will accept them, too.
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