Shame
February 26th, 2008
by Jeanine Austin, Ph.D.
I once read a statistic that said many people die each year choking in restaurant bathrooms. Apparently, people in public places are often embarrassed that they are choking and they run to the bathroom to hide. This got me thinking about the fact that many of us are tempted to hide out when we are ashamed rather than seek help.
Healthy shame may help us to recognize when we need to change our behavior or adhere to healthy social norms. When we hold onto shame and begin to over-identify with our shameful feelings or behavior we move into toxic shame. Toxic shame can cripple us emotionally; it may keep us from moving forward in our life and we often find ourselves on a downward moving spiral to self-doubt and ultimately self-hatred.
Some people who tend toward perfectionism will react with shame when anything manifests in their life that looks unpleasant. Their pain is often doubled in that they have to deal with the pain of the situation and also the pain of shame. If they hide out with their shame they may also miss opportunities to be supported and loved by those whose love is unconditional.
A while back I remember hearing about a book that suggested that every problem a human being can have can be distilled neatly into a handful of challenges. I never read the book, but I agree with the premise. If we tend to be shame based, we may be tempted to believe that no one has the same shameful problem that we do. As a long time helping professional, I venture to say that I no longer hear a problem that isn’t one I’ve heard before. Of course we are all unique, but I find that each person’s problem is often just a variation on a theme that many people share. The gift in this awareness is that we can recognize that we are not alone with our challenges. We needn’t be ashamed.
If we seek out appropriate support, we have an opportunity to move through our problem and recognize that we can also move through our shame. Working with a model such as the 12 Steps may be very useful in moving through our pain. Using this model or other healing modalities can help us gain perspective, make amends and feel connected which can help to liberate us from our shame.
When we reach out and seek help we are also offered another gift: we have an opportunity to give back. At this point in our healing resolution we can reach out to others and remind them about their essential worth.
©Copyright 2008 by Jeanine Austin, Ph.D. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry.
6 comments so far
I appreciated the message of this blog entry as well as its style. Very nice writing! But, I digress! The issue of shame is one that I’ve found to be very vicious in nature. It seems that shame begets shame and that if the cycle isn’t broken, a person can end up living a life of constant second guessing. Thinking gets twisted and the person with so much shame ends up being paralyzed and unable to make a decision as to whether a course of action is truly beneficial to him or her. In fact, just thinking about whether a decision is beneficial to the self is often very overwhelming to a person who acts from a place of shame. I am glad to know that there are professionals out there who truly understand the impact shame has as well as appropriate therapies that can help a client move past his or her shame.
I was particularly pleased to see the end of this blog. Not because I didn’t enjoy the entry, but b/c I feel that the heart of getting past shame lies in “giving back.” When a person filled with shame helps others, they inevitably begin to feel better about themselves. With increased self esteem comes decreased feelings of shame.
I have never thought of using the 12 steps as a way of helping someone move past shame. What would this sort of technique look like?
Basically, the 12 steps would look like any other 12 step program. If you are trying to overcome shame, you would just substitute “shame” for “alcoholism” or whatever ailment you are trying to overcome.
Someone ought to investigate “Dr.” Austin. Her website SimplyDivineSolutions.com doesn’t give any information about where she earned any of her degrees. When I asked, she said she received her Ph.D. in life coaching online, but wouldn’t say from where. She offered no information about where she received her Bachelor’s or Master’s degrees. One wonders if she has any degrees at all! Most real therapists would recognize that a certain amount of “guilt” can be healthy, however, shame is not healthy.
Actually, there is a common and accepted notion of “healthy shame” within psychotherapy. Unhealthy shame often occurs in the form of chronic self-criticism and leads to the felt-sense of shame or badness. Healthy shame occurs when a person recognizes they have caused harm, becomes conscious of their effect on the world, feels empathy and remorse, makes amends, and changes their behavior.