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Don’t Wait Until You’re Married to Have ‘The Talk’


Although many people explore sexual activities with their partners before they get married, few people actually talk about sex. It’s one thing to be adventurous during the throes of a hot and heavy romance. But it’s another thing entirely to have a candid conversation about what you want, what you don’t want, and “what if…” with the love of your life. We have all had some form of sex education in school, but one thing we did not learn was how to talk about our sexual desires and different sexual scenarios. But according to a new article by Ian Kerner, author and sexuality counselor, couples contemplating marriage should have that conversation long before they walk down the aisle.

Spontaneity, creativity, and imagination are all part of what makes a new relationship thrilling. But as we get to know our new lovers, what once was racy and roaring hot becomes routine. After marriage, desires change. Kerner says this is partly due to the simple fact that those raging hormones have finally faded. But it also has a lot to do with physical changes in our bodies and emotional changes that occur as a result of normal life events. Having kids can also contribute to differing sexual appetites. He believes that it is important to talk about those issues and how you will address them before you get married. Patty Brisben, a sexual education promoter and advocate, agrees. “When you’re not able to openly talk about sexual preferences with your partner, those bedroom problems will resurface in other aspects of their relationship, and can lead to misdirected frustration,” said Brisben.

This is one of the main causes for infidelity. Rather than communicate with one another about their sexual wants and needs, partners avoid the discussion and instead assume they know what their spouse is feeling. This can lead to misinterpreted signals, rejection, and attention seeking outside of the relationship. Other experts agree that communication early on is essential to a thriving and healthy sex life later. Premarital classes and sexual therapists provide safe and secure places for couples to develop the skills necessary to have these discussions. And as uncomfortable as they may be, they are invaluable to your relationship. So don’t think about “The Talk” as a bad thing. Think about it as a way to safeguard your marriage.

Kerner, Ian. Why you should talk about sex before marriage. (n.d.): n. pag. CNN. 24 Jan. 2013. Web. 24 Jan. 2013. http://www.cnn.com/2013/01/24/health/sex-compatibility/?hpt=hp_bn12

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  • Jessie January 28th, 2013 at 3:24 PM #1

    “it is important to talk about those issues and how you will address them before you get married.”

    Wouldn’t this lead to an over-optimistic response due to the same raging hormones?!

    It’s basically a situation wherein you are thinking if a negative phase while you’re happy. You’re obviously going to hope for the best and have an over-optimistic response! Any ways of overcoming this?

  • Penny January 28th, 2013 at 10:18 PM #2

    Makes sense – when we talk and discuss about so many other things with regard to marriage then why not talk and discuss about sex?

    It will also help in getting to know one’s partner better and could lead to fewer conflicts in the future. That could be the difference between a satisfying marriage and one where conflicts with regard to sex abound!

  • sandra January 29th, 2013 at 11:03 AM #3

    While I think that it is great to talk about ex with your partner before you get married, you have to remember that all of our wants and needs change as we go through different stages in our lives.

    So what’s important at one time in life may not longer feel so important once you are married, have kids, juggle your career or whatever.

    It is important to remember that we all evolve and change over time, and as we do who we are might change too. I think that this is something for every couple to remember. So while it’s great to have that talk, it has to be an ongoing conversation over time and not just a one time thing.

  • Kenya January 29th, 2013 at 11:29 AM #4

    “Having kids can also contribute to differing sexual appetites”=overstatement of the year!

  • Lonnie January 29th, 2013 at 11:31 AM #5

    LOL, Kenya! I hear ya! Having kids changes everything, and I do mean EVERYTHING! It doesn’t matter what you have or have not talked about before you got married, you can throw it ALL out the window once you have a child. And, once you have two, it’s bad. Now three??!! You are outnumbered and sex is a thing of the past. I have no idea how anyone has more than three kids.

  • Merry January 29th, 2013 at 11:32 AM #6

    Oh, geez! Talk about an uncomfortable conversation to have! I don’t think so. I’ll pass on that one…

  • Octavius G January 29th, 2013 at 11:36 AM #7

    My wife and I had a conversation like this before we got married, and we are committed to having the same conversation every year on our anniversary. It is very important to both of us that we keep the line of communications open and while only once a year may not seem like much, it’s not too much time that the conversation become awkward. I think it has really helped us and I advise everyone to bite the bullet and ask these important questions.

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