Fighting Loneliness Begins with You
October 19th, 2012
By Sarah Noel, MS, LMHC, Person Centered / Rogerian Psychotherapy Topic Expert Contributor
I have nothing interesting or important in my life; people must think I’m so boring.
I’m so fat. I never should have worn this dress. I bet everyone is talking about how pathetic I am.
I’m a total moron; people must think I’m so stupid.
Everyone here is so much prettier than me. I’m so ugly, and I just know everyone thinks I’m a loser.
Imagine having these kinds of thoughts racing through your mind, undermining any attempts you make to connect with people. How likely do you think you would be to take the risk of engaging socially with people—even people you already know—if you really believe that you are worthless and everyone knows it? If these are your core beliefs, how many dinners, parties, happy hours, and other social gatherings do you think you would attend? Further, do you think that any social encounters that you did have would be successful? Could such pervasive negativity be contained, or might it spill into the interaction? If you are plagued by such beliefs about yourself and how others see you, you likely will opt to spend more time alone and find that social encounters never seem to go quite right. And unfortunately, you are likely to view these two facts as evidence that your beliefs are accurate.
Many therapists, in well-intentioned attempts to alleviate the all-consuming pain of loneliness in their clients, are quick to suggest ways to increase social interactions, build social skills, and maximize existing social support. On the surface, these seem like perfectly reasonable and helpful interventions; however, if you are still holding on to deeply negative beliefs about yourself and how others see you, these interventions quite likely will fall short. It seems necessary to go deeper and directly challenge these core beliefs and replace them with more realistic views of yourself and how others see you. In fact, researchers at the University of Chicago reviewed many studies on the treatment of loneliness and found that the most effective interventions were those that helped people change the negative beliefs they held about themselves and how others perceived them (Masi, Chen, Hawkley, & Cacioppo, 2010).
This research can be deeply empowering—overcoming the pain of loneliness is within your control. Part of what can make loneliness feel so unending and hopeless is the oft-held belief that you have to meet an entirely new group of people. Drastically changing your social circle can be an overwhelming undertaking for anyone, but if you are already feeling painfully lonely and very negative about yourself, it can feel utterly impossible. This research suggests that it is much more beneficial to look internally and break this negative thought process.
Dramatically altering deeply ingrained thought processes and beliefs is a significant task, so it is probably a good idea to enlist the support of a therapist in this endeavor. Sharing your knowledge of this research with your therapist, whether you already have one or plan to find one, can also be quite empowering, as you will be working with your therapist to develop an evidence-based treatment plan. The combination of a strong therapeutic alliance and an evidence-based intervention may be the key to shedding your feelings of self-loathing and negative beliefs about how others perceive you. Imagine how it might feel to free yourself of this. Imagine how it might feel to go to a social event and feel confident in yourself and in your relationships with others. You’ll probably feel a lot less lonely.
Reference:
Masi, C.M., Chen, H., Hawkley, L.C., Cacioppo, J.T. (2010). A meta-analysis of interventions to reduce loneliness. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 15, 219-266.
© Copyright 2012 by Sarah Noel, MS, LMHC, therapist in Brooklyn, NY. All Rights Reserved.
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9 Comments | Click here to leave a comment.
Comments
It’s so hard to get out of this kind of funk when you have nothing but negative thoughts and feelings about yourself.
I can clearly connect with this feeling.I am not comfortable around people,at times even the ones I have known for quite some time.I attend very few social gatherings as a result and would rather stay home by myself and do any activity than to hang out with friends.This seems to have been a characteristic for me since at least 2-3 years for me.And although I was never the life of a party I did not avoid social gatherings as much before.
I know how this feels, but really we are our biggest critic.There is none more critical of our actions than ourselves.Sometimes it is unfair expectations while at other times it is blaming ourselves even when we did the best we could in the situation.It is a horrible trap and I am happy to be over that now.
Its like a disease.Even when others around you do not think of you negatively you can do large damage by thinking negative of yourself.
But how do I get the nerve to work up to going to a therapist? If I have so retreated within myself over fear and years of loneliness, then I am scared to even begin this difficult choice to start working to get past that. Even if I know that this is the only way to deal with my issues it is still pretty daunting.
I find that some people revel in their loneliness.
They wear it like a badge of honor.
They enjoy being down, as they think that this makes them more interesting and complex.
It has so much become their identity then why would they ever want to do anything to alleviate it?
its not easy alex.but just think of it this way-go out there and say everything out to someone you do not work or live with and have no consequences of having said whatever.the listener may suggest good things to you.does this still not motivate you?I dont think so! :)
When these are feelings that you have battled for many years then they are never going to be easy to overcome. I would have to take some pretty serious commitment to improving your self esteem to fight this successfully.
Alex,
Going to a good qualified counselor is an absolute “safe” place to talk. It can do a world of good to share with a professional. There is great hope and recovery for your condition. :)
Thank you for the lively conversation on loneliness. Alex, I hope you can find some inspiration in Liz’s success in dealing with this issue and I hope you also found support in the comments of others here. Therapy truly is a safe space as Tami said. It won’t be easy, but there is hope for a freer, fuller life.
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