By Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D., Body-Mind Psychotherapy Topic Expert Contributor

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Nia was stunned when her perfect relationship ended.
Nia was on top of the world. Her job was going well, and she had the best boyfriend any girl could ask for. He was attentive and affectionate. He was interested in her ideas and opinions. He showed respect for her family traditions. She felt important and needed when she supported him through tough times. His gratitude was genuine, making Nia believe they were a solid couple.

The beginning of the end came the day Nia’s boyfriend didn’t take up her offer to care for him when he was ill. Within three weeks Nia had lost her boyfriend and her hair fell out in clumps. Nia’s first response was shock and disbelief. What had suddenly changed? Why did he want to be close to her yesterday but not today? Was he hiding something? Did she miss something? Read the rest of this entry

By Arthur Becker-Weidman, Ph.D., Attachment Topic Expert Contributor

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The attachment system evolved over time to ensure the survival of the infant. The attachment system is a biologically based system found in nearly all mammals. The attachment system operates in a manner similar to your home heating and cooling system. If the temperature is just right, nothing happens. Only when the temperature goes outside of preset bounds does your heating and cooling system turn on. The same type “homeostatic” process is at the core of the attachment system.

In its most simple form, the attachment system is a proximity seeking system. When the child feels some threat, the child gravitates toward the preferred caregiver, who is most likely to care for and protect the child. This is how the attachment system evolved as a means of ensuring the survival of the vulnerable infant and child. The attachment system and the exploration system operate like a see-saw. If one is activated, the other is deactivated. When the child feels safe and secure, the exploration system is active. When threatened, fearful, anxious, the attachment system is active. Read the rest of this entry

By Arthur Becker-Weidman, Ph.D., Attachment Topic Expert Contributor

Click here to contact Arthur and/or see his GoodTherapy.org Profile

In a previous article I described what attachment is and how it develops. The attachment system is a proximity seeking system that evolved to ensure the survival of the human infant. It operates like your home heating and cooling system. If everything is fine (safe) you don’t see the system operating. When things get out of bounds, the heating or cooling system starts to operate. When a person feels some threat, the attachment system becomes activated and attachment behaviors are evoked. Attachment behaviors are proximity seeking behaviors that draw the person closer to a preferred caregiver. The proximity creates or renews or recreates a secure base; a sense of safety, security, and comfort from which the person, once settled, can begin exploring the world.

I then described patterns of attachment in children. These patterns develop in response to the sort of caring that the child experiences. In adults the patterns are: Secure, Preoccupied, Dismissing, and Disorganized. These are categories that have been refined and identified by extensive empirical research across cultures. There is a large body of research supporting these categorizations. In the research literature there are several subtypes within each category and two other categories that we won’t be concerned with in this article (Earned Secure and Cannot Classify). Read the rest of this entry

By Sarah Chana Radcliffe, M.Ed., C. Psych. Assoc., Parenting Topic Expert Contributor

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Here is one easy parenting tool that will change your life. It will also change your child’s life – his or her entire life – for the better. It is called The 80-20 Rule.

The 80-20 Rule is a “magic” ratio. It is the ratio that lays the foundation for an excellent relationship between you and your child. It is the ratio that builds and maintains ALL of your parenting power. Simply put, this ratio is the ratio that creates a solid enough bond between child and parent that the child wants to cooperate with the parent, wants to please the parent, doesn’t want to disappoint the parent, and wants to be like the parent – accepting the values and lessons that the parent wishes to impart. Read the rest of this entry

By Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT, Family of Origin Issues Topic Expert Contributor

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If you are one of the many out there who finds yourself in repetitive patterns of unhealthy relationships, perhaps you might benefit from identifying your attachment style – which not only could answer some fundamental questions for you around your relationship “triggers” but also provide clues as to why you attract certain types of people.

There is great deal of research out there on infant attachment (John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth to name a few) about how early interactions with caregivers set up “internal working models” of expectations of how others will behave towards them in the future. Infants that do not feel physically or emotionally safe (responding to cries, mirroring appropriate facial expressions) with their primary caregivers may ultimately become adults who struggle in a variety of ways relationally. Read the rest of this entry