The GoodTherapy Blog

Day bed with pillows My friend and colleague, Linda Poelzl, has been working as a professional surrogate partner for 17 years. As a local writer commented a few weeks ago after meeting both of us, what this means is frequently misunderstood.

Sometimes I think “sex” is the most powerful and misleading word in the English language! Call Linda a sex surrogate and people start imagining her writhing in coitus. Call me a sex therapist and local readers post, “How sicko and disgusting that we have a sex therapist here in San Luis Obispo County!” on their Facebook walls.

Our local weekly (the New Times) was particularly excited to arrange an interview with Linda and me because of the flood of positive publicity surrounding The Sessions, a new film based on actual experiences in the late 1980s when surrogate partner Cheryl Cohen Greene worked with polio-disabled journalist and poet Mark O’Brien.

In the trailer, there is one scene in which two astonished hotel workers watch a nervous and paralyzed O’Brien being loaded into an elevator on a stretcher. When one of them asks why they’re taking him upstairs, the other explains that he has an appointment with a “sex therapist,” a misnomer that has Linda and other surrogates feeling frustrated.

“The public doesn’t comprehend that you and I work together to help people heal!” she says. Where my work as a therapist is psychological, Linda’s is physical, employing exercises focused on intimacy, body image, relaxation, and the giving and receiving of touch or “sensate focus.” Sexual intercourse occasionally does occur, but it is a minor part of her work.

Common presenting issues for men include rapid ejaculation, delayed ejaculation, and very often, simple inexperience—one of Linda’s current clients is a 32-year-old virgin. “He’s never, until recently, held hands, kissed a girl, had sex,” Linda says. “He’s a gorgeous guy! There are a lot of people around who are silently suffering.”

Some people refuse to differentiate what Linda does from prostitution, she explains. What they don’t comprehend is that she never works alone. After each session, she relates her impressions to me, which enables me to better assist clients through many challenges toward sexual healing.

I, in turn, communicate with Linda after each talk session in my office, and the three of us usually meet together to conclude the surrogate’s involvement. Legitimate surrogate partners always work in tandem with therapists who have an ongoing established relationship with the client they refer.

I was introduced to Linda by Cohen Greene herself, and we’ve worked together for much of this year. Her approach is gradual, with the first sessions devoted to getting acquainted, discussing issues, and building rapport. “I’m going to touch you, and you’re just going to relax and feel and enjoy it, and then we’ll check in at the end …”

“And that’s usually like hands and face and maybe a foot rub—the first couple sessions are with clothes on, usually,” Linda says. “And sometimes if the client is ready and I’m ready, we might take clothes off in the third session … to do an exercise called ‘Body Image’ … it’s more about being comfortable with each other nude before we get into being sexual …

“We answer questions. I talk about condoms and safe sex. Then we usually get into bed … and I ask them about their bodies, and how they like to be pleasured. After that, it pretty much gets into whatever their problem is. If they have rapid ejaculation, we do exercises to work on control and awareness. A lot of times people think it’s all about intercourse, and it’s not. That’s a small part. Usually by the time they’re ready to do a lot of that, they don’t really need me anymore.”

If the client is able to form a bond with the surrogate, this means the person is capable of falling in love with future partners “out in the real world.” After finishing work with the surrogate partner, the client generally continues ongoing intimacy work with me as “talk therapy.”

It’s natural intimacy work, pure and simple. Many people yearn for the physical experience, the orgasm, without the relationship, without the intimacy. One without the other never satisfies in the end. So the work that Linda does, in conjunction with the work that I do, is invaluable.

Hands with entwined pinkies I was recently told a statistic that didn’t really surprise me, but was kind of an eye-opener nonetheless: Married individuals daydream about being single at least once a day. Well, I’d argue that single people dream about being in a relationship once in a while, too. The point is that the grass is always greener.

The other point is that there is some truth to the statistic, and people should be aware of what is happening biologically. The chemicals in our brains when we meet someone, start dating and “fall in love” are akin to being on a cocaine high. Dr. Helen Fisher, author of Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love, coined this the “lust” and “romance” phases of love—when things are exciting, albeit chaotic. This is not a sustainable way of living. Most people want to fall in love so they can settle down. A friend once said to me, “But isn’t doing your laundry on a Saturday with your partner what it’s all about?” Yes, a long-term relationship is comfortable, secure, stable, and, well, biologically speaking, perfect for raising children. You wouldn’t want to raise kids in a chaotic state of mind, would you?

Now, this final phase of love, which Dr. Fisher calls “the attachment phase,” is not that exciting, perhaps, but it really isn’t supposed to be. I think a lot of people get disillusioned by messages in the media, romance in films, and passionate sex in movies. It seems that if you want something exciting, you have to keep jumping from one relationship to another. And, trust me, many people do. Although many use the term serial monogamy, this can be a sign of a love addiction—people finding themselves addicted to the rush of romance.

Love addiction also has a flip side to it: It might cause you to stay in an abusive relationship. Love addicts often are afraid of being alone, and don’t like their own company. Love addiction can take over and cause people to make bad choices, fail to see red flags, and continue down a path with someone despite the obvious. Many love addicts have more than one partner.

We all have the tendency to be love addicts because, in the end, we all want love and connections with people, for that is how we grow, but a true love addiction is compulsive and obsessive in nature. A love addict may feel that true love will solve everything. A love addict may consume his or her mind with all things relationship-oriented. A love addict may fantasize about someone who is unavailable, believe he or she just can’t find the right one, or, once the early passion fades, fear he or she is no longer “in love.” Some may jump from one relationship to another in search of that excitement, while others stay in their current situation despite feelings of dissatisfaction, fantasies about leaving, or affairs both emotional and physical, and are prone to blame their partner(s) instead of addressing the matters at hand.

So how do we start to address a possible love addiction? Here are some guidelines I’ve come up with, for starters:

Stop blaming the other person. If you are in a relationship, take a close look at what is going on. Are you being fair? Are you being honest? Are you being clingy? A love addict may expect the other person to treat him or her special, make everything, and fix things for him or her. If you are single, stop blaming the ex, take a break from dating, stop interacting with the ex, get into therapy, and talk to someone.
Accept your feelings of sadness, fear, anxiety, and loneliness on a daily basis. These are common feelings that everyone feels, but a love addict may try to fight them by finding a relationship. Recognize that you will feel these feelings and it is OK.
Take responsibility for your life. This means your happiness and your successes. Take charge of your life, make healthy choices, and spend time doing the things you love.
Learn to accept yourself. Accepting your partner, if in a relationship, is key, too. In the end, without acceptance we are continuously searching, and that is at the root of any addiction.

Young couple kissing

The average age of sexual initiation is roughly between 16 and 19. Although some teens wait until much later, many begin engaging in sexual behavior before the age of 15. Numerous studies have looked at the negative consequences associated with early sexual initiation, such as emotional problems, HIV/AIDS, pregnancy, and intimate partner violence. But recently, researchers at the University of Texas looked at how sexual-initiation age could benefit people later in life. In a study led by Paige Harden, 1,659 sibling pairs were evaluated from middle adolescence through young adulthood. They were asked when they began having sexual intercourse, how many partners they had, and, if they were in current relationships, how happy they were.

Harden found that the participants who were in satisfying, committed relationships in adulthood were those that started having sex in their late teens or early twenties. These individuals reported less relationship conflict and more respect, affection, and love for their partners than the participants who had earlier sexual-initiation ages. Harden tested this outcome further by including factors such as physical appearance, body mass index, and education and came up with the same results. She believes that people who begin sexual activity after they have reached physical and cognitive maturity may make better partner decisions and be more discriminating in their choices. They may also have stronger communication skills that can benefit their overall relationship.

The results of this study don’t suggest that earlier sexual initiation can increase negative outcomes. Rather, these findings demonstrate that being a late bloomer can act as a protective factor. “We still don’t understand precisely why delaying sexual intercourse is correlated with more satisfied adult relationships,” Harden said. She hopes that future research will look at the flip side of her study, and in particular if early sexual activity among teens decreases their chances of having satisfying, positive relationships in adulthood.

Reference:
Ochsner, David. Does true love wait? Age of first sexual experience predicts romantic outcomes in adulthood. (n.d.): n. pag. The University of Texas at Austin. 18 Oct. 2012. Web. 18 Oct. 2012. http://www.utexas.edu/news/2012/10/18/does-true-love-wait-age-of-first-sexual-experience-predicts-romantic-outcomes-in-adulthood/

A woman conceals her phone call from her spouse Many mental health professionals consider the three “A’s”—addiction, affairs, and abuse—sufficient reason to leave a partner. This blog addresses lower-level offenses related to the first two. While most couples can overcome low-level indiscretions in any area of the three “A’s,” when multiple indiscretions occur or the degree of severity is greater, it may be time to throw in the proverbial towel. As couples grapple with why one partner cheated or entered the depths of alcoholism or drug addiction, they need to evaluate the patterns of relating they have become used to, the interpersonal dynamics they engage in, the dances they dance, and the issues they may have brought into the relationship. One theme that consistently emerges is the degree to which couples are honest with each other. How much do they divulge? How important is it to tell the truth? Do you really need to tell your partner everything?

In Alcoholics Anonymous, we hear people say, “We are as sick as our secrets.” Family addiction therapists are fond of saying that there are no family secrets. By this, they mean that even when we believe that other family members don’t know a certain secret, that secret still has an impact on everyone in the family. If individual members don’t know the specifics of the secret, they are still impacted by it and sense or experience it unconsciously—and that can affect the whole family. I work with patients who learned in their twenties or later in life that they were adopted, that their parents were once married to an abusive spouse, or that they have a sibling they never knew, among other revelations.

I’ve also become aware of the extent to which sober and recovering clients keep things from their partners. Even in relatively healthy relationships, there appears to be a fair amount of small-scale concealment and deception, though the extent of the infractions often is debatable. Several clients I see—coincidentally or not, all men—have reported engaging in exercise cheating. What’s that, you ask? Exercise cheating, essentially, is exercising and not telling your partner, or not revealing how much or what type of exercise one engages in.

Even I have been guilty of cheating on my wife. A few years back, as I was setting up my new Philadelphia office, I decided to buy a painting by an artist that my wife and I liked. My wife studies art history, and I thought she would appreciate that I was acquiring a painting by a Temple University master’s graduate. And while $650 is no small chunk of change for this sort of thing, I thought it was a great investment for my new office. I thought I would surprise her with the purchase. Instead, she was angry. “You art cheated!” she cried as soon as she saw it. She was genuinely annoyed that I had not consulted with her on a purchase of this magnitude. Whether I was right or wrong in purchasing something of that cost for my office was not the issue. What is important is my partner’s perceived betrayal and need for dialogue, negotiation, and consultation.

Many hypothesize that cheating behavior is related to vestiges of evolutionary differences among men and women. While this theory would be a gross generalization in today’s society, it suggests that it was more adaptive in an evolutionary way for men to cheat than for women to cheat. Assuming evolution prioritizes any behavior designed to propagate one’s genes, men may benefit from spreading their genes in a quantity-focused way. Women, meanwhile, have long gestation and nursing periods which may temporarily move them to be more devoted and committed to their offspring. Thus, they benefit from finding a better quality mate. In other words, women are biologically, or at least evolutionarily, better at taking care of their young, especially in early developmental stages. Most people agree, and research appears to back this up, that most men think about sex more frequently than women do. While both men and women want to find a quality mate, men may be more inclined to seek quantity than women are.

According to this evolutionary perspective, neither men nor women want their mates to cheat because a mate who cheats may have more offspring, which in turn means that mate is less likely to care for the original partner’s offspring and more likely to leave and care for his or her new offspring. It is in a man’s evolutionarily best interest not to alert his partner to the fact he is cheating. Any behavior—sexual or not—that results in producing healthy offspring is powerfully reinforced to the extent that it aids in propagating an individual’s genes. So, infidelity and hiding that infidelity through the processes of natural selection and evolution can become more prevalent over time.

A fair question would be whether cheating sexually is related at all to other types of cheating. Just because a partner doesn’t tell a mate where he or she is going and what he or she is doing doesn’t mean that an affair is happening, and it doesn’t mean that a tendency toward nonmonogamous behavior is the cause of disingenuous behavior in the context of the couple. In fact, the point of this article is to lessen the impact of minor violations of the honesty contract. Putting small indiscretions of dishonesty in an evolutionary context may allow couples to see this behavior as resulting from the natural instincts of the animals we are. What is important, though, is that as humans we have the capacity to dialogue. This is precisely what can keep our natural tendencies in check. Speaking honestly to our partners about our needs and wants, while often challenging, is the hallmark of a healthy relationship.

Smoking gun example: A client once described an interaction he had with his wife after she busted him for smoking pot in the garage. She smelled the smoke even as he vehemently denied he had been smoking marijuana. When she found his metal pipe, still warm, he stuck to his story. “The lie just came out,” he explained later. “I was so used to it.” He eventually was able to talk about why he lied and why he has often felt the need to cover things up. It had nothing to do with infidelity, but was instead linked to his history of struggling to feel good about himself, to be able to ask for help with his emotions feelings and thoughts and to find purpose and meaning in his life. Beginning to discuss these issues with his wife and therapist helped him think more carefully about his tendency to lie and cover his tracks. He became better at advocating for himself and negotiating with his partner in a more healthy way.

Honesty is important in recovery from any mental health issue, whether it be depression, anxiety, or stress, but it is especially important in recovery from addiction and substance use because of the strong tendencies to hide, deny, and minimize one’s behaviors. Seeing an addiction psychologist or other specialist is an important first step in understanding one’s self. It is in this therapeutic relationship that a quick foundation can be set for the basis of an honest dialogue with one’s partner, friends, and family. Rebuilding relationships with those we love and who love us is essential to recovery from addiction. Understanding ourselves and the reasons we might cheat and lie can enable us to pause just long enough to ask ourselves whether we really want to go ahead with the behavior or if we might be able to rely on those close to us to help us through the difficult times. Honest communication with the people in our lives is the only way we can become and stay sober or make meaningful and lasting changes in our lives.

A man rides a bicycle through an office. Let’s face it: Every woman on the planet knows about hormonal cycles. They’re difficult to ignore. Most men, on the other hand, are taught from the time they are born that being manly means denying anything in us that might be viewed as “feminine.” I still remember the taunts when I was a kid. “What’s the matter with you, Diamond, you throw like a girl.” Or, “Look, he’s going to cry, just like a little girl.”

It’s no wonder guys grow up convinced that we’re not “hormonal.” But is that true? Many of us know intellectually that we have hormones. We know we’ve got testosterone. Many of us have a vague idea that we also have estrogen coursing through our bloodstream—a fact we’d like to ignore. Hormonal cycles? That sounds too “fem” for many of us to even contemplate.

Midlife Hormonal Changes

I first began to recognize that there might be more going on inside me when I began doing research on andropause, or male menopause, in the early 1990s. I was seeing changes going on with midlife men at my health clinic that seemed similar to what I saw with women going through menopause. Many of the men were having “night sweats” and “hot flashes.” Others were on an emotional rollercoaster, up one minute and down the next. Some were having unexplained joint pain, and others were having problems becoming aroused or having intercourse.

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I began interviewing midlife men and women to find out what they were experiencing. Most of the men thought the idea that they were “hormonal” was ridiculous. Most of the women had a different view. “Well, it’s about time you guys finally figured out you’re hormonal,” one woman told me. Eventually, I interviewed more than 1,000 men and women, and 30,000 filled out a questionnaire I developed. The results were published in my books, Male Menopause, in 1997, and Surviving Male Menopause: A Guide for Women and Men, in 2000.

Do Men Have Hormonal Cycles?

Although most of us now accept that women and men have “male” and “female” hormones, it is more difficult to accept that men also have hormonal cycles. According to endocrinologist Dr. Estelle Ramey, professor at Georgetown University Medical School, “The evidence of them may be less dramatic, but the monthly changes are no less real.” But if men do have hormonal cycles, why don’t they recognize or talk about them? Dr. Ramey believes it is because men respond to their cycles in a way that is a function of their “culturally acquired self-image. They deny them.” This denial is the main reason she believes the largely male scientific and medical communities have taken so long to recognize hormonal cycles in men.

Winifred Cutler is one of the world’s leading experts on hormonal cycles. She has published more than 35 scientific papers, is co-inventor on five patents, and has authored eight books, including Love Cycles: The Science of Intimacy. “Now it is known that men show a hormonal rhythm,” she says. “A rhythm I call the hormonal symphony of men.”

A cycle might last a few minutes, a day, a week, a month, a season, a year, or a lifetime. When we go to sleep, our testosterone levels rise hour by hour until, by the time we awaken, they are at their highest (morning erections, anyone?). By the early and late morning, our levels typically level off and begin to decline. By late afternoon, our testosterone is usually at its lowest ebb. No wonder it’s more difficult for me to get up for the “afternoon delight” my wife thinks is wonderful, while I’m more interested in a morning romp.

Men’s hormones cycle throughout the year. In studies conducted in the United States, France, and Australia, it was found that men secrete their highest levels of sex hormones in October and their lowest levels in April. There was a 16% increase in testosterone levels from April to October and a 22% decline from October to April. Interestingly, although Australia, for example, is in its springtime when France and the United States are in their autumn, men in all three parts of the world showed a similar pattern of peaks in October and valleys in April.

Men also have monthly hormonal cycles, though there are some interesting differences and similarities between women’s and men’s cycles. Women’s monthly cycles are more predictable and synchronous. Women who live in close proximity find that their monthly cycles begin to align. Men’s cycles seem to be more unpredictable and individual. A study of young men showed that the majority had a discernible cycle of testosterone with repeating rises and falls, but each man who did show a cycle had a cycle unique to himself.

“Testosterone levels oscillate every 15 to 20 minutes in men, and also follow daily, seasonal, and annual rhythms,” says Theresa L. Crenshaw, author of The Alchemy of Love and Lust. “The morning highs, daily fluctuations, and seasonal cycles whip men around. Think about the moment-to-moment impact of testosterone levels firing and spiking all over the place during the day and what this must be doing to a man’s temperament. Men who so strongly need to feel in control are in fact in much less control than they realize. No wonder they can be so, well, testy!”[fat_widget_right]

I suspect that we’d all be better off if we recognized that men, like women, have our own challenges dealing with our hormones. The great philosophers tell us to “know thyself.” Knowing and accepting our hormonal cycles may be the most important knowing we can have about what it means to be a man.

Reaching woman sitting with TV

Reality television programs are anything but real. Shows that depict romantic relationships or the pursuit thereof—such as The Bachelor and Real Housewives—reveal fantasy lives filled with high-octane intimacy, infidelity, and unrealistic ideals. These factors seem to add to the appeal for many people. But do these portrayals influence people’s expectations of their own, real-life relationships? Yes and no, according to a study conducted by Jeremy Osborn of Albion College in Michigan.

Osborn surveyed almost 400 married people to find out if their perceptions of relationship satisfaction and commitment were affected by what they viewed online, on television, and in movies. He found that those who believed in fictitious romance had a lower sense of relationship commitment. They expressed concerns about the high cost of losing their independence and having to sacrifice their own interests for those of their partner. Because they viewed the price of relationship commitment to be high, they also placed relationship satisfaction at a premium. This could explain, in part, why the reality romance supporters had the same level of relationship satisfaction as those who did not believe in reality romance.

Perhaps people who view relationships as emotionally costly expect more from their relationships than people who view their relationships as less emotionally expensive. In fact, if someone anticipates having to invest quite a bit into a partnership, he or she probably expects a large return. Therefore, those who see romantic relationships as requiring a big injection of time and effort may value the outcome of their efforts differently than people who do not approach relationships the same way. However, Osborn cautions that commitment is a key element to relationship satisfaction and that culture’s definition of relationships, as manifested in the media, does not demonstrate that. “We live in a society that perpetually immerses itself in media images from both TV and the web, but most people have no sense of the ways those images are impacting them,” Osborn said. Because marriage failures are holding steady in the United States, he believes it is imperative that couples take a good, long look at how everything, including reality TV, affects their relationships.

Reference:
Gannon, Megan. Commitment harder for those who watch TV romances, study claims. (n.d.): n. pag. The Huffington Post. 19 Sept. 2012. Web. 19 Sept. 2012. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/09/19/commitment-issues-tv-romances_n_1896784.html

The term “hook up” is one modern way individuals, especially young people, refer to casual-sex encounters. Teenagers who are sexually active, but not in romantic relationships, may “hook up” with other teens. But are these encounters damaging to adolescents’ sense of well-being? Research has suggested that teens who date are more likely to experience stress, depression, and emotional conflict than those who do not. However, the level of depression and stress teens experience in committed relationships has not been compared to the depression and stress in teens who “hook up.”

To address this void in research, Jane Mendle, of the Department of Human Development at Cornell University in New York, conducted a study that compared the emotional and psychological well-being of more than 1,500 pairs of siblings ranging in age from 13 to 18. She gauged whether the siblings were romantically involved with another person, engaging in sexual activity with that person, or whether they were sexually active with nonromantic partners. She found that although the teens in committed relationships did have moderately higher levels of depression than those who were single, the teens who participated in “hook-ups” had the highest levels of emotional distress and depression. This was especially pronounced in teens under the age of 15.

Mendle believes that one of the reasons for this finding could be the fact “hook-ups” often involve partners who used to date, or who may want to date each other in the future. In this sense, one of the participants may be more emotionally invested in the encounter than the other. The subsequent dismissal of a romantic relationship may bring on feelings of sadness, disappointment, and even jealousy. The findings in this study are rather robust because they are based on sibling pairs. However, this dynamic can also limit the results, and further family history should be gathered in future work. Additionally, romantic relationships, as defined by the participants, may not necessarily involve sexual intercourse but may include other intimate acts. This should also be explored in future research. “Continued exploration of how the transition to sexual maturity may be moderated by contextual factors can help clarify the particular developmental challenges and stressors of adolescence,” Mendle said.

Reference:

Mendle, J., Ferrero, J., Moore, S. R., Harden, K. P. (2012). Depression and adolescent sexual activity in romantic and nonromantic relational contexts: A genetically-informative sibling comparison. Journal of Abnormal Psychology. Advance online publication. doi: 10.1037/a0029816

Illustration of man giving roses The oldest profession in the world has undergone a makeover in recent years. Although subtle, the changes to prostitution are having ripple effects. The business that used to be marketed on street corners and in seedy bars has gone high class. Escorts that provide sexual services are available as companions for outings, family gatherings, business functions and other events that are usually reserved for significant others. And the lure of having a date for these important occasions, and being guaranteed sex, is becoming irresistible for many men. However, the men who pay for sex are discovering that it is not just the sex they really want but the love and intimacy that come with it.

Researchers from George Washington University conducted an online examination of conversations between clients and escorts and found that of the 2,442 posts, many were about things other than sex. The authors believe that the transition from sex to pseudo-relationship that is emerging in the world of prostitution is due in large part to the mock dating services that escort companies provide as part of the overall package. Men enter into an agreement for companionship and sex but may soon find that the close, personal conversations and comforting presence of the escort cause them to fall in love. Christine Milrod, a sexologist and coauthor of the study, says this is especially true when a client patronizes the same escort repeatedly.

The popularity of this “girlfriend experience” of sex for hire can blur the lines between sexual satisfaction and relationship attachment. Although many of the men surveyed said that they hire sexual escorts primarily for the sex, they enjoyed the fact that the women were obligated to engage in conversations with them. They also liked being able to explore sexual fantasies that they might not otherwise have an opportunity to explore. The fact that an emotional and intimate connection may develop is merely a byproduct of this novel approach to prostitution. The authors added, “Like any other commercially packaged leisure activity, intimacy is now readily available for a price.”

Reference:
Bennet-Smith, Meredith. (Sept. 4, 2012). Men who pay for sex may also be hoping to find true love, study finds. Huffington Post. Retrieved Sept. 6, 2012, from http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/09/04/men-paying-for-sex-may-also-looking-true-love-study_n_1854372.html

A woman's legs are shown with knees pressed together and toes curled into a scarlet-red rug. A biography of Marilyn Monroe by Lois Banner, professor of history and gender studies at the USC Dornsife College of Letters, Arts, and Sciences, reveals a complicated woman determined to be the best at everything. Published around the fiftieth anniversary of Marilyn Monroe’s death (August 5, 1962), Marilyn: The Passion and Paradox also reveals Marilyn Monroe’s troubled psyche and tragic childhood, including her childhood experience with sexual abuse, which led to a life-long struggle with sexual addiction. In an act that continues to strike us for its bravery—especially in a society like ours that is obsessed with objectifying women—Marilyn Monroe acknowledged and spoke publicly about her struggle with the consequences of childhood sexual abuse.

Banner builds on Monroe’s own statements to create a picture of a woman battling sex addiction and seeing herself as an object to be possessed by men and women. In one particular interview she gave to the British press, she stated “I sometimes felt I was hooked on sex. I could not stop having sex with almost every man I met.” Her persona as America’s “sex symbol” speaks loudly to America’s twisted relationship to sexuality, which takes tragic self-objectification and makes it something desirable rather than identifying it as a defense to trauma that causes suffering and requires treatment.

Aside from celebrities having affairs and sometimes excusing this behavior under the guise of “sexual addiction,” our society does not talk about the topic, and therefore we do not fully understand sexual addictions. The first thing to note is, oddly enough, sex addiction is never about sex. It is about a repetition of trauma and a craving for intimacy. Sex becomes the tool a person uses in order to find love and acceptance. Of course, the aim is never satisfied because the intimacy created through frequent sexual encounters is never really intimate or loving.

Sex addiction is a byproduct of trauma coupled with loneliness, pain, and the need to be loved and accepted. It is a substitute for these needs, a counterfeit way to meet real desires. However, it always fails to meet those needs and desires and subsequently creates a greater need for more sex in order to mask what one is truly missing. In Marilyn Monroe’s case, this craving for affection probably developed early on in life as she was moved around from foster parent to foster parent. In addition, having been sexually abused by men as a child, she would likely have equated sex with attention, and attention with love.

Studies show a high correlation between childhood abuse and sex addiction in adulthood. “Sixty percent of sexual addicts were abused by someone in their childhood” (Book, 1997, p 52). If your caretakers failed to protect you, or worse, inflicted the pain, you end up repeating what you know; you are attracted to the kinds of people who will fail to protect you or cause you harm. Having been sexually abused early on in life, a child grows up emotionally starved for love and mistakenly comes to equate love with sex. To bear the pain, one begins creating a fantasy where love means sex. And so, slowly, sex becomes a tool to satisfy any kind of need, whether that be loneliness, fear, anxiety, or shame. Worse, contemporary society constantly sexualizes us, especially young women, by teaching them how to become an object for someone else’s pleasure, not a participating subject. From the TV shows that we watch to the magazines that we read, we learn about sex as a performance and, for women in particular, we are taught that our bodies are a tool to be used in order to attract people. This further prevents survivors from seeking out treatment, as our society rewards unhealthy behavior and seldom teaches us how to view sexuality in a healthy way.

Sexual addiction has many different forms: compulsive masturbation, sex with people who are prostituted, anonymous and often unsafe sex with multiple partners, multiple affairs outside a committed relationship, habitual exhibitionism, habitual voyeurism, inappropriate sexual touching, repeated sexual abuse of children, abstaining from having sex altogether, or episodes of rape (Book, 1997). Addictions are quick fixes in order not to experience pain. Adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse often find it hard to trust another, to create real intimacy, to overcome feelings of shame and rejection, and to be present in intimate relationships. Sex, then, becomes a way to create a fantasy world, to tell oneself that you are sharing with another, that you are intimate and therefore present in the relationship. But, since sex addicts don’t necessarily enjoy sex with other people, and the need for intimacy is never fulfilled, one is then compelled to act out sexually—hence the addiction.

[fat_widget_sex_left]Most people who experience sex addiction do not understand why they are acting out sexually or why they have constant thoughts of either having sex with someone or masturbating. Sometimes they associate these thoughts with being in love, when love is far from the relationship. Each new sexual encounter brings relief and the promise of a new beginning. It also brings an unconscious desire to understand the pain of childhood sexual abuse. Yet as each encounter ends, and the need is not satisfied, the person feels more helpless, more alone, more ashamed. Slowly, a preoccupation with a new sexual encounter develops, and its promise for a new beginning gives rise to fantasies of intimacy, love, and affection. Perhaps the worst pain inflicted by childhood sexual abuse, which can be easily seen in the powerful and disruptive negative thoughts of someone who is addicted to sex, is the person’s lack of self-esteem, the idea of being damaged. Thus, rather than experiencing sex as a self-affirming, pleasurable activity, it is a source of pain, shame, and suffering.

Sexual addiction is a symptom of a bigger problem, and treating the symptom does not solve the problem. Underneath the symptom, one finds a codependent, wounded soul. As a young girl, Marilyn Monroe was treated as a sexual object and like many adult survivors, she became addicted to sex, suffering in silence. In treating sexual addiction, one needs to move beyond the symptoms and work with the survivor on issues regarding shame, self-esteem, and trauma. Yet therapy also needs to go a step further: In analyzing our culture’s view of women, sexuality, and relationships, we can begin to understand how ideology contributes to negative views of sexuality and women. Perhaps the greatest task for both the client and the therapist is to explore what it means to be a subject rather than an object in a relationship—to begin creating spaces where both women and men value each other and celebrate sexuality, not as a means to an end, but rather as a ground for pleasure.

By slowly peeling away the layers, Banner’s book reveals the complexity of a human being. Through Marilyn Monroe’s tragic story, we are reminded of the painful scars created by childhood sexual abuse that, when left untreated, continue to bleed throughout one’s life.

References

Banner, L. (2012). Marilyn: The passion and the paradox. New York: Bloomsbury Publishing.
Book, P. (1997). Sex & love addiction, treatment & recovery. New York: Lucerne Publishing.

Groom kissing bride's hand Many of the sex workers I’ve known refuse to let anyone but their spouse kiss them on the mouth. You would think that kissing “down there” would be more intimate but, surprisingly, it seems that for most people kissing a partner on the lips makes a more profound statement than kissing the genitals.

Frequently couples whose relationships are suffering report that they stopped kissing on the lips long before they stopped having intercourse. Why? Anthropologist Helen Fisher has pointed out that many of the major senses have their outlets on the human face. There is vision, taste, smell, and hearing (on the edges). So it may be that kissing on the lips or face provides a much more intense experience.

We also talk about someone “getting in your face” when they are being confrontational. To intentionally let someone get in your face is to allow yourself to be vulnerable in a very intimate way.

Recently a woman in her late forties lamented that her husband of 25 years had never asked her how she liked to be kissed. She likes delicate little butterfly kisses that are “dry…I just want to tell him to turn off the water works!” She decided during that session to tell him, or better yet show him what she liked, and reported later that their sex life had improved as a result.

I’ve heard it said that French kissing is the oral version of spelunking. One sex therapist colleague swears that it’s called that because French women found it to be an effective way to make French men shut up! I’ll never forget my first experience after a high school dance with “frenching.” The guy jammed his tongue deep into my throat like he was trying to reach my tonsils—a truly horrifying experience.

And can you remember hickeys? You know—the bruises that result when a lover sucks on your skin with a vacuum force that causes internal bleeding. Usually these show up on your neck, although one woman complained that her boyfriend had given her one on the middle of her forehead—who knew?

The neck actually is a glorious place to give and receive lots of tender kisses—most people report that they yearn for more attention to their neck as well as their eyelids, cheeks, ears, noses, and yes, even foreheads foregoing the vampire action of the previous paragraph!

Thorough and enthusiastic lovers will enjoy discovering and rediscovering their sweethearts from head to toe, finding new places their partner loves to be kissed. Here are a few suggestions….Skin folds or places where the skin creases tend to be exquisitely sensitive and love to be kissed. Examples include behind the knees, in front of elbows, under breasts, the nape of the neck, on eyelids, armpits, between fingers and toes, and behind ears. (One of my own favorite places since I wear glasses and get rather sore is behind my poor ears!)

Interested in a few more areas? The lower back and bum can be exquisite places to kiss and caress—and don’t forget bellies and navels. Some view the belly button as a tiny vulva, or equally sensitive point for men. These people love having their navels licked, sucked, and titillated.

The wisest thing that I suggest to people of both genders exploring a new relationship is to simply ask your partner to kiss you the way s/he likes to be kissed. You get to lean back and let them take over, and you get to learn all kinds of wonderful things! This type of deep surrender is what true sexual intimacy is all about.

GoodTherapy | Do Men and Women Have Different Sexual Fantasies?

According to a recent article, men spend a bit more time fantasizing about sex than women do. However, contrary to what some people believe, based on the results of a study conducted by Juan Carlos Sierra Freire and Nieves Moyano Munoz, both of the Department of Personality, Psychological Evaluation and Treatment at the University of Granada in Spain, men and women don’t usually fantasize about sexual encounters with strangers, but with their partners. Sources of entertainment that are focused on fulfilling sexual fantasies, like steamy books, racy movies, and even websites, all sensationalize the stranger fantasy. Whether it is with a hot construction worker or a sexy swimsuit model, some of the most sexually stimulating scenarios involve strangers colliding for a thrilling and fulfilling sexual encounter. But this is not what the majority of people actually fantasize about.

For their study, Freire and Munoz surveyed 2,500 men and women ranging in age from 18 to 73. All of the participants questioned had been in some form of heterosexual partnership in the last year. They were asked whether they had ever had a sexual fantasy and if so, to describe the type of fantasy. The researchers assessed whether the fantasies resulted in negative or positive feelings and explored what characters were most prevalent in the fantasies. They found that almost all of the respondents had fantasized about sex at one time or another. Surprisingly, the majority of them, nearly 80%, reported that they had had at least one negative sexual fantasy. For women, negative fantasies involved forced sexual encounters and for men it involved homosexuality.

The team also found that although men did fantasize more often than the women, both men and women usually fantasized about sex with their partners. Other findings revealed that women had more positive sexual fantasies than the men, and men had more experimental sexual fantasies, including fantasies about threesomes and other group sexual encounters. Overall, the researchers believe that having fantasies about sex “favors some aspects as sexual desire and arousal” and is an area of exploration for therapists working with individuals who have sexual concerns.

Source:
University of Granada (2012, July 18). A study shows that men and women have the same sexual fantasies. Retrieved from http://www.alphagalileo.org/ViewItem.aspx?ItemId=122554&CultureCode=en

Woman jumping over man on beach

The novel Fifty Shades of Gray has attracted enormous attention since its recent publication. The popularity could be attributed to the characters’ scandalous sexual trysts laid out in vivid detail. Or it could be due to the fact that women really do want more sexual pleasure in their relationships. In a recent article, clinical psychologist and sex therapist Dr. Stella Resnick explains why she believes the public has such a voracious appetite for this type of literature. Resnick practices Gestalt therapy, which integrates body and mind presence and awareness. Her experience has taught her that every form of physical contact, including touch, kissing, and even eye contact, increases overall sexual pleasure. She believes that intimate play is an integral part of a healthy sexual relationship.

Resnick has been working in her field for more than two decades and says that contrary to popular belief, men seem to lose interest in sex more quickly than women. This could be a result of the pressures men feel to provide financially and their sense of responsibility as the head of the family. The natural progression a partner makes from lover to family member can actually undermine sexual attraction and excitement for men and women alike. In fact, Resnick says that these feelings of “love” for each other can create barriers to healthy sexual fun. Resnick says that maintaining a sense of playful sexual activity is important for many reasons. “New brain research has shown that what’s essential for enhancing new learning is to keep the brain engaged and attentive and that playfulness is one of the best ways to do that,” she says. Learning about each other’s wants in and out of the bedroom helps broaden the bond between partners both physically and emotionally. Resnick suggests couples engage in conversations about sexual desires and act on them. Taking time to relax and enjoy a sexual encounter, including play, can create a sexual experience that will satisfy both partners and keep both brain and body engaged.