Thanks for writing in, and for the excellent question. I’d first like to congratulate you for having what appears to be an unusually expansive empathy, in that you are trying to do right by your fiancé in terms of your mutual sex life, his issues and sensitivity around trauma, and, of course, your own feelings about all this. Obviously, this is a complex question, which accounts for the long-ish answer you’re about to get.

The first thing that comes to mind here is: There’s something not sexy about this for you; sex is a little like humor in the sense that it tickles us or it doesn’t. Your fiancé’s request to carry out what sounds like a role-play scenario doesn’t seem to hit the eros chord for you, and nothing’s more of a turn-off than forcing yourself to do something too edgy or discomforting.

Part of the uneasy factor is that the requested scenario seems to parallel your fiancé’s sexual abuse, which is still fresh for you (just having heard about it). Let me say here that what defines “healthy sexuality” could—and has—filled volumes upon volumes. It is a never-ending debate in my field. My own guidelines for “healthy” sex would mean, first and foremost, that the sex is consensual and safe for all parties. Other than that, the spectrum is infinitely broad. I know heterosexual men who like wearing stockings, and gay men who act brutish and tough in the bedroom. Working with sexuality means you’re dealing with the unconscious, and 10 different therapists would give you 10 different interpretations of what your partner’s sexual preferences are “really about.” As indicated, however, I get the impression from your letter that something about this feels uncomfortable, perhaps a bit unsafe, and I think that is at the core of what needs to be dealt with between you.

My clinical experience has shown me that a dynamic sexuality often includes a sense of experimentation, emotional expression, and spontaneity. There’s nothing at all wrong with role playing, though when the “play” part becomes rigidified, with an endlessly repeated “script,” to the point where mutual expression seems muzzled, where the sex has to be a certain way or someone will be unhappy, then it’s time to take a step back and see how things can be loosened up. Playfulness and humor, too, can be a way of masking or deflecting emotion, but if sex becomes too serious or heavy, it becomes stifling. Just as important here is the fact that what happens in the bedroom so often mirrors what is happening, emotionally and relationally, in the relationship itself. Sexuality is another spoke in the wheel of relating, not a separate wheel unto itself, though we often think of it that way. This leads me to wonder if you ever feel kept at a distance or put in a position of power in your emotional lives together.

I’m not exactly sure how dark or heavy a “flavor” we’re talking about here, though it sounds like (I’m assuming) you would be in the “perpetrator” role; if I assume that these scenarios have a sadomasochistic tinge, perhaps your fiancé is asking you to take the “S” role in a way you’d rather not. I’m imagining it might be painful to play a role in which you are hurting your beloved in a way parallel to earlier, horrifying experiences.

Whether these scenarios are healthy for a person to enact really depends on context and their psychological history (and is a source of intense debate among therapists). I believe that, for some people, allowing scenarios derived from trauma to emerge in a sexual context might actually give a person control and power over a previously painful narrative; they are able to “make use” of the trauma in a way they can control and derive pleasure from, a way of telling their story their own way, which now offers pleasure and not just pain. Ironically, allowing trauma memories to mingle with consciousness, even under the cloak of sexual fantasy, is a step forward for some who have completely dissociated or disconnected from such awful memories. For other people, such enactments can take on a compulsive flavor, where satisfaction can be found only by acting out one’s feelings and experiences this way, which inevitably makes their actual sexual partners feel distant and/or controlled. Where one draws the line between playful expression of one’s sensibilities and a darker, more destructive and harmful behavior is up for debate and highly dependent on specifics.

I think the only way to resolve this, since it so directly involves so many facets of your relationship, is to handle it relationally—that is, with your fiancé. This isn’t something you can figure out on your own. Dialogue is essential. I’d first decide what you are and aren’t willing to try in bed. Would you be up for trying a “light” version of his scenario, or exploring it, to see if there are aspects of it that can be treated as a kind of game, where play and spontaneity are included? Could it be seen as a kind of foreplay, where (again, not knowing the specifics) you could employ a little spanking or tying up or a scenario that is sexy to both of you and not too edgy or overwhelming? Or is it all just a big turn-off and not your “thing” at all?

I’d then sit down and relate as honestly as you can. You obviously care about him a great deal, want to please him but have concerns about his request. I’d try to stick to your own feelings. Saying, “I’m not sure this is a good way to resolve your issues” sounds a little therapisty; you might try saying, “The idea of this makes me (uneasy, uncomfortable, etc.).” Can a compromise be reached? Can the two of you let your sexual imaginations come up with something you both find desirable?

Try not to think too hard about what will help your fiancé resolve his trauma. Frankly, just having an open conversation wherein you are honest about your feelings, while empathic toward his, will likely be a healing experience for both of you. I honestly do not think any partner’s job is to help the other resolve any issues; that’s what therapists are for. Honest relating and working through things respectfully and lovingly is itself healing.  You can support him in his therapy work, of course, but you, too, are on a journey, and one person’s trauma does not “cancel out” the other’s desires or wishes to feel heard, respected, and safe—sexually and otherwise.

Thanks again for writing. Hope that helped.
Darren

is inextricably linked to cultural norms, and the latest version of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders—psychiatry’s diagnostic bible—makes this readily apparent. Although sexual kinks are still a source of cultural controversy, their taboo status is steadily lifting, and the DSM-V treats unusual sexual behavior differently than previous versions of the manual.

Changing Sexual Norms

A little over a century ago, Sigmund Freud, modern psychiatry’s godfather, argued that clitoral orgasms were a sign of immature sexuality. For Freud, healthy adult sexuality meant nothing less than a vaginal orgasm. Contemporary sex researchers now emphasize the fact few women can reach orgasm with vaginal stimulation alone, and sex therapists frequently advise people having trouble with orgasm to focus on the clitoris. There have been other advances in thinking, of course, when it comes to sexuality. Until 1973, homosexuality was listed as a disorder in the DSM. Contemporary psychologists and psychiatrists now condemn conversion therapy, a treatment designed to “cure” homosexuality.

Contemporary sexual fetishes run the gamut. Many people have engaged in or acted on some form of sexual fetish at one time or another, and groups dedicated to advocating for the rights of those with unusual sexual interests have sprung up all over the Internet. More and more sex researchers recognize these behaviors as part of a sexual continuum and not necessarily indicative of a mental health issue.

The DSM-V’s Stance

Like their predecessors, contemporary mental health professionals frequently wrestle with the intersection of cultural norms and mental health, and the new DSM reflects this ongoing dialogue. Previous editions of the manual listed atypical sexual behaviors as diagnoses. For example, the DSM-IV listed the behavior of sexual masochism as a disorder. The new version, however, is largely silent on behavior, and defines fetishes as problematic only when they cause significant distress. Thus, masochistic behavior is now termed sexual masochism disorder only when the behavior causes problems for the individual.

When Is a Kink a Problem?

So when does a sexual kink cross the line into a disorder diagnosis? Some sexual behavior is inherently disordered, according to the new manual. For example, pedophilia remains a diagnosis because it’s impossible to act on a sexual attraction to children without breaking the law or causing harm to others. But for those who are blissfully dedicated to feet, bondage, or garter belts, the manual no longer defines the behavior itself as a problem. Instead, the so-called disorder is partially in the eye of the beholder. If your sexual fetish causes serious problems in your romantic relationships or significant personal distress, it may be time to consult a professional. Otherwise, the creators of the DSM-V are content to allow people to engage in whatever sexual behavior they want to without finding issue.

Ongoing Controversy

Not everyone is happy with the changes to the manual. Sex-positive writers and researchers point to the fact the new book still provides a list of sexual fetishes, which serves to label some sexual behaviors as inherently deviant even when they don’t cause problems. And the fact the DSM has changed its approach to diagnosis doesn’t mean every mental health professional has followed suit. The American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists publishes a list of therapists who adopt a nonjudgmental stance toward kinks. People who engage in non-normative sexual practices such as swinging, polyamory, and sexual fetishism report that they often struggle to find professionals who don’t view their behavior as deviant.

References:

1. Paraphilic disorders [PDF]. (n.d.). Arlington: American Psychiatric Publishing.

2. Parry, W. (2013, May 30). Normal or not? A sexual attraction to objects. LiveScience.com. Retrieved from http://www.livescience.com/36982-is-fetish-normal-dsm5.html

3. Savage, D. (n.d.). Finding a sex-positive therapist isn’t always easy. Creative Loafing Charlotte. Retrieved from http://clclt.com/charlotte/finding-a-sex-positive-therapist-isnt-always-easy/Content?oid=3043389

Most of my blogs over the years have been written for people who are already sexually active and have experience with pivi (penis-in-vagina intercourse). Today I’m going to address young (and perhaps not-so-young) women who are interested in losing their virginity. (I hope guys will read this as well—virgins or not.)

Losing your virginity is not a topic that most of us bandy around in casual conversation. But I’ve been privileged over the years to hear thousands of descriptions, most of them about experiences that were awkward, clumsy, and sometimes painful. It doesn’t need to be that way.

I heartily recommend that your first sexual partner be someone who is gentle and kind, with a good sense of humor. And please, please, please don’t be drunk or high your first time. Take it from me: Couples who do it sober have a happier and safer experience!

Losing your virginity with your sweetheart and soulmate would be a lovely option, but most of us no-longer-virgins are not even in touch with the person we did it with for the first time. One of the keys to having wonderful sex is knowing your own body.

Regular readers may have read comments recently from older women who are enjoying sex more and more the older they become. One reader celebrates post-menopause as a time when she knows her body well enough to say yea or nay in ways that her lover can truly understand. Another writes about discovering new delights about her body as she ages. Whatever your age, consider yourself at the start of a fascinating journey!

If you masturbate, you have an advantage in this department. If you haven’t explored your body this way yet, not to worry. I suggest you try for a time when you have 30 minutes to yourself or when you’re tucked under the covers for bed. First, wash your hands, then moisten your fingers. (I mistyped “finders” here—how perfect!) Let your fingers “find” pleasing places on your body—everywhere except your genitals.

Relax, breathe, and allow yourself to spend at least 10 minutes exploring up and down your body. You might want to imagine that your lover’s fingers/finders are discovering erogenous zones that you weren’t aware of before. Then, let your focus shift to the area between your legs, with your fingers gliding up and down and around your vulva, the outside part of what’s between your legs, as opposed to the vagina, where tampons and penises (sometimes) go.

Next, get your finger extremely wet (saliva works fine) so you can venture inside. Slowly inch your finger inside, allowing yourself to feel what your finger is “finding” inside as well as what your vagina might be feeling. Some women may want to explore more deeply, while others might feel quite nervous and hesitant. If you’re in this camp, this might be a good place to stop for now. Congratulate yourself for taking this important step and consider venturing a bit farther the next time.

If you’re eager to press on, let your finger keep going. Remember to breathe, and continue to ask yourself what your vagina is feeling and experiencing. You might want to consider adding a second finger, especially if you anticipate pivi.

I highly recommend a wonderful book by my colleague Lonnie Barbach, called For Yourself, about masturbation. Female virgins and nonvirgins alike may benefit from carving out pleasurable time “for themselves.”

If all of this seems too overwhelming, maybe it’s not the right time in your life to be losing your virginity. Millions of lesbians will attest that there are numerous ways that you and a partner can enjoy one another sexually without a penis going into your vagina!

Does menopause or a hysterectomy quash or quicken your sex life? This question applies not only to those of us who might face these, but also to the romantic partners who love and live with many of us. Since our most important sexual organ is between our ears and not our legs, I believe our interest in sex (libido) is largely dependent on our beliefs about sex and what we can and should expect.

In my practice, I work with many older women who have read about increasing their estrogen levels in order to improve their sexual experiences and increase their sexual desire. Some swear by bioidentical hormones, while some declare that testosterone (T) is their favorite “hormone of desire.” (Susan Rako’s popular book bearing this title swears by T, but she backs her theory with personal anecdotes and no scientific data whatsoever.)

In 1985, researcher Barbara Sherwin wondered if lack of testosterone caused problems with libido. She discovered that administering T to women who had undergone hysterectomies enhanced the intensity of their sexual desire and increased frequency of sexual fantasies. But there was no evidence the hormone had affected their physiological response, so its effect was more motivational than physical.

There have been few well-designed studies of sexual interest in healthy people. Most studies of sexual problems have come from women who consulted their physician because of some health concern and thus had issues of some kind already. When well-known sexologist Alfred Kinsey and his colleagues spoke to women throughout their life cycles, they found that as age increased there was a distinct decline in the frequency of intercourse. But there was no decline in solitary self-pleasuring until well after age 60.

Among people I’ve talked to about sex, I’ve found over the years that men report a greater loss of sexual interest between 45 and 55 than women do; perhaps that’s why some of these women are masturbating! Many women over the course of menopause do report some decrease in intercourse and vaginal lubrication, but not in solitary sexual enjoyment when utilizing one of the many intimate lubricants available. Hooray for the slippery stuff!

A high percentage of our feelings about sex are determined by the culture that surrounds us. I once read about a study of aging women in a small village in Thailand. Some of them experienced a decline in libido, but they celebrated this, perceiving it as a welcome release from having to worry about sex. So while uterine changes may cause some lessening of sexual desire, not everyone experiences it and not everyone who does experience it considers it a problem.

I once worked with a young, single woman who underwent surgical menopause when she was in her late twenties. (I don’t recall whether her ovaries were removed.) She initially lost interest in sex, but when she regained her libido she began to lament that men were no longer interested in dating her. She would sit in my office and weep: “I’ve lost my mojo!” I scoured professional journals and spoke to colleagues about how the surgery might have affected her level of sexual attractiveness or desirability, and finally read about a study of monkeys that showed that males were no longer attracted to females who had hysterectomies. But when vaginal secretions containing pheromones from “intact” females were rubbed on the ones who had hysterectomies, males regained interest.

Pheromone secretion aromas are sexually stimulating, and after hysterectomy they are no longer produced in females. We do, of course, need to be careful about drawing conclusions about human sexuality from animal studies such as this, since so much of our sexuality is psychological and sociological. But popular magazines have recently published findings that seem to show that men “rate” women they’re watching on video who are ovulating as “more attractive” than women of a similar age and appearance who are in other stages of their menstrual cycle.

However, it isn’t as simple as no womb, no pheromones, no sex. Many older women are seen as sexy and are enjoying as much sex as they want. I guess we’re more complicated than monkeys!

An old high school classmate posed the question on his Facebook feed a few days ago: “Should we friend our exes on Facebook or is it equivalent to cheating?” Since couples therapy is my specialty, I was itching to think more about the question and posted a reply to his feed. The responses from others ran the gamut from “You should never friend a former lover!” to “Why not if your current relationship is a trusting one?” A couple of people openly confided in my high school buddy’s feed that Facebook aided infidelity and led to the demise of their marriage. One was the cheater, the other the “cheatee.” I was quite impressed with their candor and gut-wrenching vulnerability—both of them.

What are my thoughts on the question to friend or not to friend? In general, I am not black and white about espousing “rules to live by,” so know that first about my personality as a therapist. But I do think there are some things we can think about together in this article and you can think about with your partner later. Use this article as a conversation starter if you need help.

1. Is Facebook replacing any kind of hole inside of you? You may be longing for some attention, longing to feel like you matter, and it may be outside of your awareness. Or you may know you want something but won’t ask for it from your partner. It is good to know fully that, “Yes, I want more attention,” so that you aren’t easily seduced into mistaking the attention of a former lover on Facebook as the remedy to a more common longing we human animals all feel from time to time—loneliness. The antidote is to talk it over with your partner. “I miss you.” “I want more attention.”
2. Are you able to be honest in your relationship? A colleague of mine, Julia Flood, wrote a great piece on what she calls “liars” and “lie invitees.” Couples unwittingly set the stage for cheating when they block truth telling. Sweeping things under the carpet/conflict avoidance, exploding in response to truth, and suffocating our partner are all deterrents to telling hard truths, such as “I feel mad and hurt when I am the only one managing our budget,” or, “Your drinking worries me,” or, “We aren’t having sex and I want to talk about how to reignite passion.” Being in a relationship is hard, and telling the truth makes you vulnerable, but not telling the truth can create the perfect agar for Facebook’s “ex accessibility factor” luring one into a potential danger zone. Both partners are involved in creating a ripe atmosphere for honesty.
3. Do you lead a purpose-driven life? In the early stages of love, we are intoxicated by love hormones of dopamine and norepinephrine … and then they wear off and are replaced by the cozy oxytocin hormones, and somewhere around two years we can get bored. Believing our relationship has lost its staying power, we might seek comfort by seeking out a “new” other to get that high back. All couples eventually reach a natural developmental phase of comfort, but the shift in romantic excitement does not spell impending doom. Unfortunately, romantic love has become so idealized in our culture that people get religious about pursuing it, says Robert Johnson in his book, WE. We may get addicted to this dopamine high or have misinformation about the natural rhythm of long-term relationships and start trolling Facebook to get our “fix” and find ourselves flirting with an ex. Esther Perel, in her book Mating in Captivity, encourages individuals to lead a life of personal fulfillment and purpose and have enough space between you and your partner that you can see your partner set ablaze by his or her life. Watching our partners in the act of doing something they are taking personal fulfillment in is the ultimate aphrodisiac.
4. What did you learn about love and sexual desire growing up? Stella Resnick does a nice job of laying out how and why we often don’t lust after those we love and often can’t love those we lust after in her book, The Heart of Desire. She says, “In my view, the love-lust dilemma is not an inherent aspect of human sexuality but rather an artifact of a society that unwittingly primes us from childhood through adulthood to separate love from sexual desire” (Resnik, 9). If that is the case, then Facebook becomes an easy way to find someone to be “in lust” with and avoid repairing that societal wounding we might carry about love and sex.
5. Is it OK for you and your partner to be different? The Couples Institute in Menlo Park, California, and many couples-therapist masters, such as David Schnarch, Esther Perel, and Terry Real, are proponents of not replacing the two individuals in relationship with a “big ball of we.” If we can freely express and listen to our differences and appreciate what makes us and our partners tick, with curiosity and a little humor there is a chance for both closeness and individuality—and that sustains interest in each other over the long haul. Our partner isn’t meant to be “everything” to us. It would be nice if our partners read our mind or could always clean the bathroom sink the way we do. It harkens back to our early childhood when our parents tended to every need without us having to ask. That brain circuitry from childhood gets lit up in romantic love, and we pull for our partner to be “the perfect parent” to us. Parentifying our partner usually happens unconsciously, and then we get enraged when they aren’t perfect at the gig or don’t want to play. It is hard to rewire that circuitry and to look and see that standing in front of us is just another human who is different than us whom we have chosen to be in relationship with over the long haul as an adult, not a child. Facebook is such an attractive way to not have to complete this necessary development of individuating from our partner. Couples therapy helps us embrace our partner’s humanity and our own in this “differentiated” way so we can continue our journey as a couple without the Facebook bait.

Long-term romantic relationships make demands on us as human animals to grow and complete some developmental stalemates from our younger life. We never had to grow past these when marriage was about duty. This new era of coupling for love necessitates learning some relating skills often picked up from a good couples therapist. With a solid relationship foundation, Facebook flirting stands a distant second place to the vitality of an honest relationship.

References:

1. Flood, Julia (2013). The Truth About Lies. [ONLINE] Available at: http://www.psychedinsanfrancisco.blogspot.com/2013/01/the-truth-about-lies.html. Last accessed 8 July 2013.
2. Johnson, Robert A., (2009). WE: Understanding the Psychology of Romantic Love. 2nd ed. USA: HarperOne.
3. Perel, Esther, (2007). Mating in Captivity. 1st ed. USA: Harper Perennial.
4. Resnick, Stella, (2012). The Heart of Desire Keys to the Pleasures of Love. 1st ed. New Jersey: John Wiley & Sons, Inc.

If you walked in on your partner masturbating, what do you think you would feel? Most people don’t ask themselves this question until it happens. They may assume that their partner has no need to masturbate because they believe they have a “healthy” sex life, while others avoid the thought of their partner masturbating because it may lead to other questions: Who is the person thinking about? What is he or she looking at?

Have you asked yourself what is healthy and unhealthy regarding masturbation in your relationship? Do you and your partner even discuss masturbation? Some couples wonder whether masturbation can hurt their relationship. Other couples don’t even discuss the topic.

Here are five ways masturbation could, in fact, hurt your relationship:

1. You are looking forward to masturbating more than being with your partner.

Your partner could feel neglected or not desired if you prefer to masturbate rather than sexually connect with him or her.

2. You masturbate to the point of self-injury.

If you are at the point of self-injury, you may be experiencing compulsive masturbation, which can lead to other challenges in your relationship.

3. You feel shame regarding your masturbation.

Shame can present itself because of religious/spiritual beliefs, media messages, or family views. It can lead to secrecy or even maintaining a double life of sorts around your sexual behavior.

4. It interferes with work.

People who use masturbation as a coping mechanism for stress may masturbate privately at work. Aside from possible ramifications professionally, this can lead to other possible unhealthy stress-management behaviors. If you are turning to non-relational relief as a form of dealing with stress versus relational relief, you may be inclined to hold in difficult feelings and not share them with the people who care about you most.

5. You tried unsuccessfully to decrease or stop masturbating.

One of the criteria for addictive behaviors is an unsuccessful attempt to stop the behavior. Masturbation may increase in frequency, and you may feel helpless to stop. You may want to consult a professional if you relate with this.

These points are not about whether masturbation itself is healthy or unhealthy, but rather when it could potentially damage the relationship. Either together or with the help of a therapist, couples should discuss their views on masturbation in their relationship and come to an agreement that both parties feel comfortable with.

If you think you are engaging in addictive behaviors, consult a trained professional who has experience working with sexually compulsive behaviors.

But in his new book, What Do Women Want?, New York Times journalist Dan Bergner argues that women might actually find monogamy more challenging than men—and studies backing this claim are beginning to pile up.

Older Studies

Sex researchers often point to studies to prove that men crave novelty more than women. One popular study presents a college student with an attractive stranger and then asks the student if he or she would be willing to have no-strings-attached sex with the stranger. Unsurprisingly, men are more likely to say yes to the tryst than women. But critics have argued that these studies neglect important cultural factors. Women, for example, might be afraid of being alone with a stranger or feel ashamed of their sexual desires. Without controlling for these issues, self-reports don’t provide much insight.

Sex and Culture

The belief that men are more sexual than women hasn’t always been so popular. In the Victorian era, for example, mental health researchers argued that women were much more sexual than men, and women were more likely to be diagnosed with hypersexuality than men. Religious texts present stories of promiscuous women, and sometimes portray women as the more sexual sex, advocating for measures to control women’s sexuality.

Beliefs about sex and sexual behaviors are heavily influenced by sex. In a world where women are penalized for enjoying sex or behaving in a promiscuous fashion, they may be less likely to express sexual desire. And when men are told that they’re more promiscuous or sexual than women, it may serve as a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Recent Research

Recent research is calling conventional wisdom about monogamous women and promiscuous men into question. One recent study, for example, found that women were more aroused by fantasies involving sex with strangers, and a second showed that women favored pornographic images that were novel over those that were familiar.

Losing Interest

Bergner emphasizes that women are more likely to lose interest in sex with their partners than men are, and argues that this may mean monogamy is harder for women than for men. The fact women lose interest in sex has often been used as evidence that they’re less sexual than men. However, it could be that they’re simply less interested in sex with their partners and still entertain an active fantasy life involving new partners. Statistics on infidelity vary, but women and men usually have similar rates, and some studies even claim that women cheat more often than men.

Future Research

Scientists have long sought the holy grail of sexuality treatment: a pill that will increase women’s sexual desire. Some women’s advocates have argued that the fact there’s no female equivalent of Viagra is the product of cultural influence; many women are desperate for something that can bring their libidos back. But it may be that the issue has little to do with biology and everything to do with boredom. Research into how to recharge sexual desire in a stale relationship could be the next step toward helping both men and women maintain satisfying sex lives in monogamous relationships.

References:

1. Bergner, D. (2013, May 26). Unexcited? There may be a pill for that. The New York Times. Retrieved from http://www.nytimes.com/2013/05/26/magazine/unexcited-there-may-be-a-pill-for-that.html?pagewanted=all
2. Dawson, S. J., Suschinsky, K. D., & Lalumière, M. L. (2013). Habituation of sexual responses in men and women: A test of the preparation hypothesis of women’s genital responses. The Journal of Sexual Medicine, 10(4), 990-1000.
3. Marcotte, A. (2013, May 23). Women struggle with monogamy more than men. XX Factor. Retrieved from http://www.slate.com/blogs/xx_factor/2013/05/23/nytimes_on_lybrido_women_get_bored_with_monogamy_faster_than_men.html
4. Valenti, J. (2009). The purity myth: How America’s obsession with virginity is hurting young women. Berkeley, CA: Seal Press.

Alfred Kinsey reported that men hit their sexual prime in their late teens, while women don’t get that pleasure until their mid-thirties. But does the 60-year-old research that Kinsey conducted still hold true today? Was it even true back then?

According to Dr. Bella Ellwood-Clayton, a sexual anthropologist and author, the results of Kinsey’s research probably did not consider the myriad of other factors that influence sexual peak. Even though measuring the amount of orgasms a person has is a pretty good indicator, is not the only barometer by which to gauge sexual appetite.

Ellwood-Clayton says that at the time of the study, boys were masturbating and 30-something women were probably finding their own identities in stable relationships. For the first time in their lives, they were comfortable with their own sexuality. Today, women are finding this level of comfort at even older ages that extend well into their 50s, 60s, and beyond.

Opportunity is another factor that has a big impact on libido. When the opportunity for sex is unavailable, you can lose your desire. Raising children or being in a hostile or abusive relationship can cause even blazing sexual desires to smolder to ashes. But with the peak in sexual medications and the revival of sexual promiscuity in the older generation, it appears that sexual peaks are based more on social psychology than on physical ability.

Sure, men might have more testosterone than women and younger women might be a little more hormonally balanced than older women. But with hormone replacement therapy, physical health, and the right bed-fellow, people of all ages are reporting great sex drives. And there is an awful lot to be said about sexual maturity, which can add intense pleasure to sexual encounters (think Mrs. Robinson).

Overall, Ellwood-Clayton and other experts think that sexual peaks are not simply biological, but more the result of spiritual, physical, emotional, and biological components all aligning at just the right time. “Sexual prime, then, is the result of ‘sexiness.’ And that,” adds Ellwood-Clayton, “can peak at any age.”

Reference:
Ellwood-Clayton, Bella. (2013). Sexual prime: Fact or fiction. Huffington Post (n.d.): n. pag. Web http://www.huffingtonpost.com/bella-ellwoodclayton/sexual-prime_b_3424410.html

As a sex therapist, my professional library is often scoured and delighted in by colleagues and clients alike. The books on my shelf boast attention-grabbing titles and alluring content. As the summer heat approaches, why not read about heating up your sex and intimate life? Below is an authentic peek into what is on my bookshelf, and what I regularly recommend to clients, family, and friends.

The Heart of Desire: Keys to the Pleasures of Love (2012) by Stella Resnick, PhD. Published by Wiley.
A highly user-friendly book exploring the love-lust dilemma through the lens of the latest scientific research. Using everyday language, the author explains how early programming impacts sexual desire in committed partners. This book provides a body-mind program to sharpen the reader’s skills for fulfilling sexual pleasure. Topic covered include: “What Dampens Desire,” “Sexual Health and the Body,” and “The Nuances of Sexual Pleasure.” It is a must-have for your library.

Resurrecting Sex (2002) by David Schnarch, Ph.D. Published by Harper.
This book will assist you in creating erotic, meaningful sex whether you have had long-term difficulties, or just find yourself bored. For men and women alike, this is a fantastic self-help book for sexual difficulties. There are very few of us who don’t experience sexual difficulties at some point in our lives and relationships — why not read ahead as preventative care, or a solution to what has you stuck? From desire, to pain, to an elusive orgasm, this book can support you with a solution-focused approach for long term learning and development.

The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex: the Most Complete Sex Manual Ever Written (2002) by Cathy Winks and Anne Semans, Illustrations by Phoebe Gloeckner. Published by Cleis Press.
I can’t say enough about this book; it’s straightforward yet casual, informative yet fun to read. From erotica to technique, communication to anatomy, this book has it all. I find it to be my go-to resource for quick and easy-to-understand information. This book is a great resource for wanting to learn about a specific aspect of sexuality, such as oral sex, to wanting to improve your masturbation experience. This book explores the world of sex toys, fantasies, and sex play. The illustrations are top-notch and educational. Ever wonder what a two-strap harness is? Or where the prostate gland is? These illustrations cover everything you wanted to know, and possibly more. It’s a fun book to explore with someone or on your own.

Pleasure: A Woman’s Guide to Getting the Sex You Want, Need and Deserve (2006) by Hilda Hutcherson. Published by G.P. Putman’s Sons.
For a woman, reading this book is like having a girlfriend telling you what’s what when it comes to orgasms, pleasure, and communicating with your partner about what feels good — not to mention helping you explore new ways and new locations for pleasure to be experienced and expanded upon. Hutcherson’s savvy approach will give ladies a new perspective on their bodies and their bodies’ potentials. This book takes the pressure off of the orgasm as the end goal, and instead provides us much more fulfillment in the journey.

Tantric Sex: the Path to Sexual Bliss (2008) by Kavida Rei. Published by Dorling Kindersley Publishing, Incorporated.
This book ushers readers into understanding and embracing the beauty of tantric sex, while providing space for the reader to explore at their own pace. The book’s back cover explains that it can provide you the opportunity for “deeper self-knowledge, greater intimacy, and genuinely fulfilling relationships.” It also touts the discovery of “mind-blowing sex” — who couldn’t use some of that?! This book is full of beautiful photos to guide the reader into an experience of mindfulness, sacredness, and holistic sensation.

Happy reading and enjoy the results!

(Author’s note: I have no affiliation with the authors and I am in no way compensated by them for my suggestions.)

Shock. Disbelief. Anger. Disappointment. These are just a few of the emotions you may have experienced when you discovered that your child viewed pornography.

Twenty years ago, you had to go out of your way to obtain pornography. Today, it is accessible at the click of a button. More innocence is lost earlier and earlier in today’s world. Because pornography is everywhere, seeing it is difficult to avoid—indeed, overexposure is an issue for many. Greater exposure to sexually oriented media (e.g., soap operas, music videos, reality television) contributes to adolescents developing the impression that “everybody is doing it.” Kids can also develop skewed perceptions regarding infidelity, abortion, sexually transmitted disease, and divorce, among other things.

Most figures suggest that the average age of initial porn exposure is around 11, but there is research that puts the number closer to 8. Sexual objectification impacts the mental and physical health of our children. When girls are objectified, they are often not viewed as people with dignity. Research also suggests that there is a significant relationship between pornography consumption and violence.

So when you discover that a child has viewed pornography, how should you respond as a parent? How do you prevent recurrence of viewing?

Questions to Ask Yourself Before the Conversation

1. What is your ultimate goal for the formation of your child’s sexual attitudes?
2. What do you model in your own intimate relationships?

What Not to Do When Confronting Your Child

1. Do not jump to conclusions or overreact. You want to be a healthy advocate for your child’s well-being.
2. Do not express extreme anger. Acknowledge mistakes.
3. Do not shame the child with your words or actions. This can lead to the child acting out in unhealthy ways as an adult.

Questions to Ask Your Child
Keep in mind that if the person who introduced pornography to your child was at least four years older, it may be an unlawful act. If you’re unsure, contact local authorities.

1. When was the first time that you saw this kind of thing?
2. Have you viewed it with anyone else?
3. How often do you view it? (Frequency matters; desensitization and overstimulation can occur, which can lead to unhealthy coping and relationship patterns.)
4. Just what, exactly, did you see? (Be a trusted confidant for your child. He or she may be embarrassed and confused, so be gentle and patient.)
5. What questions do you have? (They may be embarrassed to ask.)
6. Who or what may have influenced you?
7. Do you understand why this matters and why I am taking this seriously? (Position yourself to be the child’s advocate.)
8. Has anything in your home encouraged this? (Be open and not defensive.)

Prevention of Future Occurrences

1. Behavioral modification: Know media-based triggers, and limit time online or in front of the TV.
2. Develop a family mission statement of appropriate use of computers, social media, television, movies, and books.
3. Cognitive modification: Teach your child a healthy view of sexuality.
4. Emotive modification: Teach your child the emotional attachment that comes with a sexual relationship. More is caught than taught by parents, so guard your home and your hearts and minds. Parents are still the No. 1 influence in a child’s life.
5. Know your kids and what they’re engaging with in their life. Set boundaries and monitor use of social media, books, etc.
6. Use software and parental controls on all Internet-based devices.

Tantra is an ancient Indian practice that has a presence today around the world. Imagine, 5,000 years ago, this practice being developed, explored, and enhanced to promote sexuality, spirituality, and emotional interconnectedness. Tantra honors and celebrates our bodies, and enriches sensual pleasure, not just sexual pleasure. Breath, meditation, mindfulness, movement, and our environment can enhance intimacy with oneself and others.

Tantra encourages a full sensual and sexual experience with recognition of the importance of space and retreat to leverage and access desire. It is important to note that tantra can be an individual practice; it does not require a partner. Tantra may not even involve genital contact—it’s about energetic and spiritual contact between two partners (or with the self). Though genital contact or intercourse may enhance the energetic and spiritual contact, it is not necessary.

The word tantra has many meanings, including “the way,” “transformation,” and “expansion through awareness.” Though there is much debate, defining such a rich, historic, and important cultural entity may be impossible. For the purposes of this article, a general overview of breath and movement is provided to welcome readers to introduce components into their sensual and sexual experience.

Creating a Tantra-Like Environment
I encourage you to consider the power of simply having a space in your home or office that can be devoted to taking care of yourself, relaxing, and being mindful. Whether it is a particular chair with a candle nearby or removing technology from your bedroom, if you incorporate nothing from this article but creating a sacred space in your life, you will gain health, wellness, and self-care.

Tantra-like space is a space in which you are:

• able to suspend rational thought, and suspend worry, planning, and analysis
• free of technology
• able to step out of your of routine, which often means slowing down
• out of your usual space; is there a room underutilized in your home?

Meditation 101  
Meditation is a way to be in the moment. Are you in the moment right now? As you are reading this article, what do you see, hear, smell? Where is your body touching your chair? Can you feel your clothing, your breath? I introduce my clients to the “five senses exercise” in which we each suspend discussion, slow down, take a full, cleansing breath, then slow our breathing to rate similar to how we breathe when we sleep. Once there is a shift to relaxation, simply access your five senses to notice the feedback each provides you: What do you see? Hear? Taste?  Smell? Feel? (The couch under you, your hands on your lap, etc.) Anytime you are in the moment, you are practicing meditation. You don’t need cushions, chanting, or the ability to sit in a meditation room in order to meditate.

Breath Basics
It’s fascinating that we need to breathe to survive, yet so few of us do so in a proper, cleansing, and nourishing way. Proper breathing provides each of our cells with what they need to function optimally, to support the tissues, muscles, and organs made up of those cells.

Breath is a gateway to enhancing your sexual energy. Try this simple exercise to be aware of your breathing habits. Inhale and “mark” your breath by placing your hand on your body to indicate how deep that breath is. Next, exhale and attempt to empty your lungs completely. On your next inhalation, lower your hand in an attempt to deepen your breath, and again fully empty your lungs before the third inhalation. Continue this exercise until your breath is deep enough that it is as if you are breathing into your genital and sit bones.

Adding Movement to Breath
Once you have done the above exercise a few times and can feel the awakening of your sex organs (this may be no to slight sensation for some, while for others this exercise may inspire desire), incorporate body movement. Lay on your back with your knees bent so that your feet are flat. Inhale long, slow breaths through the mouth, counting to five and expanding the belly, creating an arch under the small of the back. When you exhale, again count to five, bringing the small of your back to the floor, and tilt your pelvis slightly upward. Repeat until you feel the gentle-wave motion as your breath and body movements synchronize. Release tension in your face, feet, shoulders—anywhere you feel it. Be aware of any emotions you experience, which can range from empowerment, sadness, and vulnerability to joy. Finally, incorporate the “five senses exercise” to practice mindfulness once the wave motion of your breath and body is fully engaged.

Though tantra can be thought of as a lifestyle, or a commitment to learning we may not all have, this brief introduction in part or in its entirety can provide you enhancement to your sexual and sensual experience. Breath, meditation, mindfulness, movement, and your environment can enhance intimacy with yourself and others.

The sex talk is enough to send just about any parent into a tailspin of anxiety. Such anxiety can affect the quality of the conversation, your child’s attitudes about sex, and your child’s willingness to come to you with future sex-related questions. If your kid thinks he or she is going to be met with an anxious, flustered parent who conveys negativity, the child is much more likely to consult a friend—which can lead to misinformation.

Before you talk with your child about sex, you’ll need to examine your own attitudes so that you can convey comfort and confidence. While there’s no guarantee that you can completely move past your anxiety, there are a few things you can do to minimize it.

Examine Your Own Attitudes
Before you begin trying to shape your child’s attitudes about sex, look at your own ideas. Many parents, for example, want children to have healthy attitudes toward sex but feel uncomfortable with the topic themselves. Children believe what their parents do, not what they say, and no matter how positively you speak, negativity will rub off on your child.

Spend some time thinking about particular topics that make you uncomfortable and examine why these might be hot-button issues for you. If you have sexual issues of your own, it’s a good idea to talk to a therapist before you talk to your child. If there’s a specific topic that makes you uncomfortable, try delegating that topic to your spouse or a trusted family friend.

Start Early
There’s no way you can convey all the information your child needs to know about sex in a single talk, and trying to do so can spell disaster. Parents should start talking to their children about sex early, and continue providing age-appropriate information as children develop.

Starting early can help you move past your own anxiety. After all, it’s usually easier to talk to an adoring 6-year-old than to a judgmental teenager. By starting early, you get into the habit of talking about sex with your child, and this can make it easier to talk about other challenging subjects as your child gets older.

Make It Natural
Anything can start a conversation—a television show, news story, or the experience of a family member. There’s no need to corner your child and start a highly serious talk. Instead, use every opportunity you can to talk about sex in a comfortable, low-key environment.

When you let the conversation flow naturally, you’re less likely to build up dread. Conversations that occur as part of everyday events tend to be shorter, too, which can help reduce anxiety and stress.

Lower the Stakes
Sex conversations can seem like high-stakes talks, during which you must give every conceivable piece of information your child might ever need. This attitude can contribute to parental anxiety and make your child not want to talk to you about sex again.

Instead, try treating sex like any other topic, raising it in an easy, low-key manner. Pretend you’re talking about how to safely cross the road or how to kick a soccer ball. Heavy-handed approaches may be more likely to be met with skeptical, dismissive, or even rebellious reactions.

Ask for Feedback
Most parents’ conversations with their children are two-sided. You might each share what you did during the day or discuss your thoughts on a family member or political issue. But parents tend to make the sex talk one-sided, lecturing their children and expecting them to take in a huge quantity of information.

This practice not only makes it less likely that your child will get good information, it can also increase your anxiety. Instead, try asking your child his or her thoughts, asking how much he or she has learned, or even asking if the child feels like he or she can trust the information you’re giving. This gives your kid a chance to provide feedback and ask questions, and makes the sex talk seem much more like any other conversation.

References:

1. Park, A. (2009, December 07). Parents’ sex talk with kids: Too little, too late. Time Magazine. Retrieved from http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,1945759,00.html
2. Talking with kids about sex and relationships. (n.d.). Talk With Your Kids. Retrieved from http://www.talkwithkids.org/sex.html