Trauma unequivocally impacts your relationship with yourself and challenges and changes how you think about yourself.

Before a traumatic life experience, it is common to believe in your ability to make good decisions, control your environment, and keep yourself safe. Trauma smashes these beliefs and leads to new ones, namely being unable to count on your judgment: if you once judged a situation, person, or behavior to be safe, and it proved to be traumatic, it is easy to believe that your actions cannot change or influence things, that you cannot control your fate, and that forces beyond your power dictate your safety.

These new beliefs can feel more accurate and convincing than the ones you held pretrauma, and thereby lead to a reduced sense of agency and safety—and a natural consequence of that is more frequent and intense feelings of vulnerability and fearfulness.

A common way to try and reduce or manage this increased sense of vulnerability and fearfulness is to increase your sense of responsibility and control. You might find yourself claiming responsibility for the traumatic occurrence, ignoring the fact that no traumatic event is caused by the person who experiences it. Or you may try and control all facets of your life: scheduling every minute of the day, micromanaging the lives of those around you, or establishing impossible standards of perfection.

Even though these efforts at increasing your sense of control are entirely understandable, they do not lead to the desired outcome and often cause you to try and control more elements of your life. Not only does a control agenda not deliver the safety and security you are trying to achieve, but such an approach exacts a high psychological cost. Excessive activities exhaust the human body, mind, and spirit and excessive expectations lead to harsh criticisms and even self-hatred.

The damage that trauma exacts upon your self-esteem also feeds into the harshness and self-hatred that frequently arises following a traumatic life event. It is common to believe that if you had been smarter, faster, fought harder, yelled louder, or simply been a better person, then the trauma would not have occurred. These inaccurate beliefs, though understandable, cause damage by creating a falsely logical conclusion that since the trauma did happen, you must have deserved or caused it—and if you did, then all the shame and self-hatred you feel is warranted.

These beliefs grate away your self-esteem and stoke harsh opinions of yourself to the point where the ensuing self-loathing can become unbearable and paralyzing, leading you to want to hide, disappear, perpetually apologize for your existence, or desperately prove that you are worthy.

You deserve and need to work on challenging these beliefs in order to reclaim the fact that you can make good decisions, that you do have some control over the vagaries of life, and that you are able to impact your safety in the world. Stay connected with the friends and loved ones in your life who are emotionally healthy so that you can hear and give credence to their thoughts regarding your abilities and capabilities. Finally, don’t forget to reach out to a professional and harness her or his training, compassion, and expertise to help you heal and grow through these trauma-induced beliefs.

When is not enough sex too little by far?

When we talk about sex addiction, most of us think of someone who is unable to stop engaging in sexual activity. And most of us can understand that too much sex can be dangerous, due to the potential for acquiring sexually transmitted diseases, losing a committed l relationship, or experiencing a decline in health. But no one ever died from lack of sex, right? Surprisingly, addiction can be described as too much or too little—excess or deprivation.

Sexual deprivation, also known as sexual anorexia, has severe physical and psychological consequences, and many people come to me looking for help in tackling and unraveling this serious problem. By the way, a significant percentage of the people I work with by phone are struggling with sexual anorexia. Often, these people feel more ashamed and embarrassed than those with a more traditional form of sex addiction. Before you think you don’t know anyone like that, remember that they will probably keep their secret, feeling deeply out of sync with a culture that constantly promotes sex but is sadly unconscious about sexuality.

Perhaps you suffer quietly with sexual anorexia, consumed by dread of sexual pleasure yet filled with fears and sexual self-doubts. If so, you may find Dr. Patrick Carnes’ excellent book, Sexual Anorexia helpful. He explains what sexual anorexics are not, “It is not inhibited sexual desire they are experiencing, although often they possess a naïveté, an innocence, or even a prejudice against sex. It is not about being cold and unresponsive although that certainly is a way in which they protect themselves against the hurt.”

He continues, describing a number of other reasons that people contact sex therapists, “It is not about religious belief, although religious sexual oppression may have been a place to hide. It is not about guilt and shame, although those feelings are powerfully experienced.” Nor, I might add, is it about sexual betrayal or rejection, though these are themes I hear quite often. It is simply the emptiness of profound deprivation, the silent suffering known as sexual anorexia.[fat_widget_sex_left]

The word anorexia comes from the Greek word orexis, meaning appetite. Thus an-orexis translates as ‘denial of appetite.’ And most of us associate it with the obsessive avoidance of food, or self-starvation. The steadfast refusal to eat can become a way for food anorexics to assert a kind of power over others, especially those they feel are trying to control them in some way. Many food anorexics are driven by a powerful need to achieve a Barbie-doll figure. The terror of sexual rejection is the primary force behind this striving for impossible thinness. Sexual anorexics often share these same fears and distortion of thought. Dr. Carnes notes that in both cases, the sufferers starve themselves in the midst of plenty. That’s been true in my experience too—the majority of sexual anorexics that I’ve worked with have had partners or spouses who were more than willing to engage sexually.

There are striking parallels between food anorexia and sexual anorexia: the essential loss of self, the same thought distortions, the same extreme self-hatred and isolation. Both types struggle for some kind of control over themselves and others, usually the people closest to them. Food anorexics will sometimes become “bulimic,” bingeing with compulsive overeating, and then purging by self-induced vomiting. In a similar fashion sexual anorexics often “act out” with periods of sexual promiscuity or exaggerated frequency. One woman I worked with reported that she only approached her boyfriend for sex twice per year, but when she did she demanded nonstop intercourse or would masturbate to the point that she bled.

Sexual anorexics can be men or women, heterosexual or homosexual. Many have histories of childhood abuse and neglect, sexual and otherwise, what one person I worked with called “my dark secrets.” At some point, they experienced profound loss of trust, causing their “wires to cross,” or their sexual arousal template to be affected. The more frightened you are, the stronger your need to maintain some semblance of control.

Since most sexual anorexics are unaware of the hidden trauma driving them, I’ve found therapy can be very helpful. One man I worked with expressed amazement that “there’s actually a name for this horrible suffering.”

As humans, we are social animals. One consequence of this is the potential to be uncomfortable or anxious around other people. Some people are born with this tendency and labeled “shy”: these children tend to be more inhibited and fearful around people they don’t know well. If shy children are adequately encouraged and supported when they are young, they often outgrow their shyness.

Adolescence is another difficult time in life for self-consciousness and discomfort with oneself. How well one fits into their peer group is of tantamount importance and affects adolescents’ growing sense of self. If all goes well, the adolescent grows into a self-confident and mature adult.

Early adulthood is the most typical time in life that people develop anxiety. Being an adult presents new stresses that people may lack adequate coping skills to deal with. Severe anxiety states may develop, along with the fear of other people noticing that anxiety. Sometimes this develops into social anxiety, which is characterized by fears of feeling embarrassed or humiliated around other people. Underlying this is the fear of being seen as weak, defective, or somehow not okay in the eyes of other people.  Underlying this fear is shame.

Shame is a feeling of being flawed or unacceptable in some way. Sometimes this feeling is very vague, with people not knowing where their discomfort is coming from. Author John Bradshaw elaborates: “Guilt is the experience that you made a mistake, while shame is the experience that you are a mistake.”

Early in life, shaming experiences happen in one’s family, in school, and among peers. Shame has the adaptive function of guiding us to conform to the ethics, morals, and rules of our environment. However, negative shameful experiences cause us to feel hopeless and inadequate, and sometimes lead to depression. Generally, there are certain areas in which an individual feels lacking or flawed: personal attractiveness, intelligence, competence, and lovability are common themes.

It is almost impossible to get through childhood and adolescence without experiencing at least a few shaming experiences. It is helpful to be aware of one’s areas of shame because shame very much influences how we interact with the world. Avoidance of meeting people is a typical response of someone with social anxiety. Dependence on alcohol and drugs may also be used to numb the anxiety. For others, criticizing or ridiculing others in order to make oneself feel less inferior is another strategy. Clearly, these strategies can have very negative consequences in one’s life.

If you think that shame may influence some of your difficulties, working to transform the underlying beliefs that live inside you may be a good idea. You can continue to read about shame in books like John Bradshaw’s, talk to supportive friends, or see a counselor or therapist.

The first in a series of articles dedicated to understanding, appreciating, and coping with our anger.

“Sticks and Stones.” I am sure most of you have heard this saying and think you know the ending. It is said to go “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.” I think our parents taught us this, thinking it would help us ward off teasing by others. Unfortunately, this misguided saying is far from true. You see, in reality, sticks and stones may break my bones but WORDS CAN DO SERIOUS DAMAGE. Broken bones heal and yet harmful words may stick with and haunt us.

Many clients come to me struggling with their anger and just want to “fix it.” They hope a few tools will do the trick. Sometimes, this is all it takes. More often though, it is not that simple. As we delve into a quick history, it becomes clear that their anger has been around for a long time. In fact, it has grown over time. Realistically, we cannot expect life-long patterns to be broken overnight. I firmly believe it is valuable for me to help clients understand where their anger comes from. For most of us, anger is directly related to deep-seeded pain from growing up, and I want to help look at sources of pain throughout our lives.

When clients bring up how:

1) their parents weren’t there for them
2) their parents handled their own anger inappropriately
3) they were never taught or encouraged to communicate their feelings
4) they don’t show sadness and believe tears are a sign of weakness

I know how that translates into unresolved sadness and pain which, if not expressed, tends to come out as to anger.

I tend to hear people say “if I don’t think about it, the thoughts/feelings will go away.” This is not the case. In fact, stuffing our feelings will only last so long. Like a volcano, when we stuff our feelings and hold them down, they will eventually erupt or leak out. Exploding over someone spilling something or cutting in front of you, and then not understanding why you are getting that upset, is a problem. When I hear how angry someone gets over “nothing,” I want to look at where the anger is really coming from.

Our anger does not just appear out of thin air. More often than not, when we focus on how the anger has come to be, I can help clients grasp at least a few deeper issues within their past that may be tied to current anger. Of course, I am always wanting to explore with them how their denial of sadness and pain (to generalize, something that, especially we guys, don’t like to show) may have found a way into anger (a feeling we guys may be more expected and comfortable showing).

Too often, clients believe others are “making” them angry. Thinking about your anger (feelings, thoughts, actions, etc.), this in indeed yours. Own it! No one makes us do anything unless we decide to do it. No one makes me sad, happy, angry or anything. The other person can do something, that I may not like, and then I get to choose how I want to respond. Yes, at times, someone’s behavior will lead me to feeling upset but, again, I decide if this will happen. I am indeed in control. Why give up yours? Own your feelings. This will help you understand how many choices you have and how to next respond (or not).

It is important for me to normalize client’s anger. Typically, when I ask people if anger is bad, the answer I hear is “YES.” No, I say. Anger is a normal feeling. It is just what we do with anger that can be positive or problematic. Be clear on this; we all get angry. We all get happy, sad, anxious, etc. sometimes. Feelings are a normal part of our existence and we need to express them.

Upcoming articles here, will focus on not only how to face our pain and best express it, but also on tools to best cope with painful feelings and the anger we may have inside. To start, though, I want to highlight how imperative it is to learn how to calm both the mind and body. One of the best ways to do this is via a commonly used tool known as deep-breathing. Sounds simple but you would not believe how we may fail to take the necessary full breaths, especially under stress.

Taking a slow, deep breath through your nose, holding it a second or two, and then slowly expelling the air through your mouth should not be just a few second process. When we focus on this and take the time needed, it will be difficult to be angry as it helps stop the racing thoughts that tend to go hand-in-hand with anger. Again, this is not a race. Just the opposite. Calmly breathing helps the body and trains our minds to slow down. Furthermore, we don’t want to wait until we are upset to do this. The more we are calming ourselves during the day, the less likely we are to get hyped up in the first place. Try practicing this a few times daily and get ready for more next month.

Fighting verbally is an integral part of any relationship. Put at least two people together in the same place for a long period of time, and they’ll fight eventually.

If someone tells you that they “never” fight with their partner—especially with a big Stepford wife smile—mark my words, they are hiding something big and oppressive underneath. “Rarely” fighting can happen, but “never” just doesn’t exist.

Why? Because relationships are crossroads of “our” needs and “their” needs, “his” needs and “her” needs, “my” needs and “your” needs. Too many needs with not enough space for all of them at the same time breeds tension and, if not dealt with, eventual fighting.

My family can illustrate this well. When our families get together over the holidays, we have the “three-day fish phenomenon”: after three days, fish starts to smell. After about three days of being together, someone will get irritated with someone else. That’s when we all look at each other and say, “The fish is starting to smell.” It’s time to separate. We work at a conclusion about the conflict, even if it means we agree to disagree, put the situation behind us as best as possible, and go home.

There’s nothing wrong with this, by the way. We love each other very well because we understand how we work and function, and especially that we’re not going to agree on everything. Family therapists call this understanding the difference between “being right” and “having a relationship.”

Sometimes, you have to ask yourself if it is more important to be right, or to have a relationship.

For example, you could continue getting angry at your partner for not saying the right thing, at the right time, to make you feel better at that particular moment (being right)—or you can understand that perhaps your partner has no idea how to do what you expect them to do, and you have to teach them. The latter is calling “having a relationship.” It requires you to open up and tell your partner what you needs. Your partner, in turn, is responsible for working on understanding this need in the relationship.

This comes up in many relationships, but more commonly for newer couples who have passed the “honeymoon” phase and entered the “work” phase of the relationship. Let me demonstrate with a fictional situation, derived from general couples issues that come up with my clients.

Ms. A and Mr. B have been in a relationship for one year. Ms. A keeps getting angry at her partner, Mr. B, because she feels that he doesn’t do much in the house while she does everything. Ms. A then becomes riled up every time she feels she is doing more than Mr. B. For instance, Ms. A feels like she always has to initiate dates because, if left to Mr. B, they’ll never have them. Ms. A feels resentful in both planning dates and waiting on Mr. B. She says things to Mr. B like, “You don’t care. It’s always on me. You never do anything for us!”

In couples counseling, Ms. A learns to speak from her heart, beginning sentences with “I.” This, in turn, makes Mr. B respond directly to her.

Ms. A: “I feel overwhelmed and frustrated. I feel like I’m doing a lot in this relationship. I feel alone and hurt because of this.”

(Mr. B is forced to respond to his partner’s personal feelings and needs.)

Mr. B: “I’m sorry. It’s not my intention to hurt you or make you feel alone. I guess because you never say anything, I assume that you don’t need help, or you’re fine with the way things are.”

(Ms. A is forced to respond to Mr. B’s lack of knowing, trusting that he didn’t mean any harm.)

Ms. A: “Well, I take responsibility for that. I’ll tell you if it’s bothering me in the future, but I also need to you to share the responsibilities, too. Like, if I cook, I think it’s only fair if you do the dishes. Is that okay?”

(Now Ms. A and Mr. B are negotiating elements of their relationship.)

Mr. B: “Sure. That’s fair. I’m okay with that. Anything else?”

Ms. A: “I would really like it if we could go on a date once a month, and I don’t have to plan it by myself.”

Mr. B: “I’m not great at remembering to do that. I’m just not a spontaneous guy. But, if it’s always on the calendar, it’s a lot easier for me to remember. How about we go on a date every first Saturday of the month? Then we know it’s coming and can plan it together?”

Ms. A: “Yeah, that works. I’m up for that.”

Mr. B: “Cool.”

Granted, this example makes it look easy. In reality, it takes a great deal of compromise between the two parties to make certain elements and needs work in their relationship. Ms. A and Mr. B stopped the cycle of “being right” and moved into “being in a relationship” by working at it: speaking from the heart (beginning sentences with “I”), listening and reflecting understanding, ending with negotiating elements of the relationship, and trusting in their genuine care and love for one another. The process brought them through a tough spot and into a deeper understanding.

Relationships are both tough and wonderful. Some times it takes grunt work, but if both parties are up to it, it can be a truly rewarding experience.

Many children grow up facing distinct challenges within their family lives, though some are presented with pronounced difficulty that may have the potential to negatively impact the child’s adult life. The suicide of a parent during childhood is a markedly traumatic experience that may require special care and therapy treatment, and professionals have been interested in the effects of such an event on children for some time. In a study performed at Johns Hopkins Children’s Center, researchers recently investigated the potential impact of parental suicide on children’s own likelihood of committing the same deed later on in life.

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To carry out the study, researchers focused on statistical data that spanned over the course of thirty years for a group of people in Sweden. Parents involved in the data had either died through suicide, through an accident, or through an illness, or were still alive. The children of these parents were then analyzed for their subsequent rates of psychiatric hospitalization, convictions of violent crime, and death. The study found that children whose parent died through suicide were three times as likely as children with living parents to commit suicide themselves, though this discrepancy disappeared when the children were eighteen or older at the time of the parent’s death. Children whose parent died in an accident while the child was thirteen years of age or younger were twice as likely as kids with living parents to commit suicide, and this tendency likewise disappeared in children of older ages. The death of a parent as the result of illness did not seem to have any impact on suicide rates. (more…)

I want to address an issue that lies at the heart of sex addiction: the double bind a person with sex addiction lives with, and how the tension created by this double bind creates a vicious cycle —which only strong and consistent intervention can break, and keep broken in favor of a healthier life. (By intervention I mean treatment, recovery, etc.) This tension is created when a person both craves and fears true intimacy, that can only come through vulnerability—which the person with dealing with a sex addiction cannot offer.

Though I believe sexual addiction does exist, I don’t think that every kind of sexual compulsivity indicates sex addiction. The heartbreak and wreckage created by these behaviors is painful and real. What I’m addressing in this article is the relationship patterns employed by those addicts who “act out” (or sexualize) their deepest needs—needs that are too difficult or shame-filled to express in conscious, healthy ways.

These needs constellate around intimate connections with other human beings. These needs aren’t always romantic; they may indicate a need for non-romantic closeness with others. They are, however, sexualized. Sexualizing these needs allows the addict to control them (or maintain the illusion of control) within a compulsive ritual, and to numb or narcotize the shame, anger, or other strong emotion connected to these unmet needs. This narcotizing ritual appears, at first, to be under the addict’s power. At first, this is liberating: Finally, something works! But, like all addictions, that early euphoria gives way to a nightmarish entrapment and demoralization.

How does it get this way? Most of the people with sex addiction I’ve treated were raised in homes where personal boundaries were either too rigid or nonexistent, or sometimes both (i.e. chaotic), depending on their caregivers. Normal childhood needs for nurturing and connection were ignored, trampled upon, or deemed “unworthy” by dysfunctional and/or narcissistic parenting. Much of the time, the child had to “parent” the parent, to meet the parents’ needs at the cost of their own—which went unmet, to the point where the child thought his/her own needs were “wrong,” as many neglected or abused children feel. If I’m not getting any loving attention, the thinking goes, there must be something wrong with me.

Thus a child’s needs go underground, or behind a mask of “normalcy”—this mask becomes a dysfunctional way of coping within a dysfunctional system. The child learns to placate, isolate, lie, manipulate, and act out to get what he/she so desperately needs. Of course, these maladaptive behaviors produce maladaptive responses—crumbs of the actual “nutrition” the child truly needs. But crumbs are better than nothing (sort of). Meanwhile, that shell hardens, and the organic self starves within.

This ravaging hunger, unmet, creates anguish and despair that may, later in life, become narcotized via addiction. Depending on the circumstances, type of attachment pattern the child develops, and other factors (which can be difficult to tease out), that addictive or compulsive behavior could show up as sex addiction. Sexually compulsive behavior would be, in this case, the ultimate manifestation of the inauthentic self, in a maladaptive attempt to connect to other human beings and express needs that have been repressed, shamed, ignored, and so forth.

Addiction cunningly creates, at least at first, a sense of control, for a person who is both desperate for protection and craves true connection—two needs that cannot co-exist in an authentic relationship. True human connection is elusive, hard to define, and experiential rather than formulaic; it is resistant to control and the will to power. True connection is transparent, while addictive behaviors clothe the true self’s needs behind a veil of (false) power and control.

True connection, of course, is based on vulnerability and reciprocation of power. But for the sex addict, who grew up within a cocoon of an “adaptive” false self, vulnerability is too terrifying to bear. To be vulnerable is to open oneself back up to the possibility of abandonment, betrayal, engulfment, or annihilation: in other words, to re-traumatizing. It feels safer (and is ultimately self-defeating) to maintain power and control, especially in as intimate a setting as sex. Even when sexual acting out has a masochistic “flavor,” the addict maintains control—he or she writes the script, calls the shots, pays the players.

Sadly, true vulnerability is unthinkable for most sex addicts (prior to recovery and treatment, that is). But without it, intimacy is impossible. Thus the addict suffers from a lack of an experience that involves a psychological strength and centeredness that simply does not exist in his or her “core.” Not because of inadequacy (though it often feels that way), but because of the hardened shell that developed around those earliest trauma-experiences, the false self that was erected to contain the psychic “bleeding” caused by primal wounds.

The addict lives in a torturous double bind, as he/she has the desire to connect, but lacks the psychic fortitude to do so. No authentic relationship can occur without that strength, but that strength cannot be nurtured without an authentic relationship. What is perpetuated, as a result, is the internal “command” to maintain the false self. The prospect of true intimacy and connection (romantic or otherwise) remains an illusion: a painful one, in that it drives the behavior and frustrates all hope of actualizing real human relations.

Low self-esteem shows itself in many ways. Thinking others’ poor behavior is a reflection on us instead of them, disliking the human race, perfectionism, over- and underachievement, and feeling “different” from others are all possible correlates of low self-esteem.

There’s no automatic connection between self-esteem and any one behavior. It’s important to look at the big picture before assuming someone has low self-esteem based on a given trait. What is the person’s general pattern? Having said that, discussed below are two more potential symptoms of low self-esteem. This is not an exhaustive list, but rather part of a continuing discussion.

1. Dishonesty

High self-esteem doesn’t get along with dishonesty, and so the latter can only thrive where self-esteem is low. High self-esteem always embraces a basic policy of honesty, in the interest of maintaining open and truthful communication with others and ourselves.

On the other hand, low self-esteem invites and promotes dishonesty. When self-esteem is low, it feels necessary to lie at times—to ourselves, others, or both—in order to avoid painful consequences.

For example, if my self-esteem is low, I would rather lie about my feelings than tell you where I really stand and risk an uncomfortable confrontation. Or I would rather lie to myself about my disappointment than experience it directly and suffer all the more.

Not being able to see ourselves as truthful and trustworthy poisons our opinion of ourselves, making it hard to feel pleased with who we are. Hence, like all other factors that interact with self-esteem, dishonesty is both a result and a cause of low self-esteem.

Challenge Your Patterns

If you regularly find yourself avoiding being truthful, take the risk of being honest—at least with yourself—whenever possible. Whenever you decide to tell a lie, make it a conscious choice; say to yourself, “Right now I am choosing to lie to my friend/husband/mother to avoid a confrontation that I don’t want to deal with.”

The more you get real with yourself, the harder it will be to continue being untruthful with others.

2. Poor Boundaries

Boundaries are the psychological borders between two people. Rather than being a wall or defense I put up around myself, a boundary represents my understanding of where I end and you begin. Though often confused with defense mechanisms, boundaries are just invisible borders. We can choose to ignore or defend them, but they are always there.

Boundaries divide what’s mine from what’s yours. From my point of view, everything inside the boundary belongs to me, and what’s outside my boundaries belongs to someone else.

Rights and responsibilities are the most common victims of poor boundaries. When I understand the extent and limits of my rights and responsibilities, it is easier for me to comprehend yours. Healthy boundaries help me know what is and isn’t mine to take responsibility for, and they help me respect your autonomy and separate identity even while I’m in a close relationship with you. When someone treats you as an extension of themselves, they are revealing their poor boundaries.

Poor boundaries and low self-esteem frequently go hand-in-hand because of our foundational relationship with boundaries. We learn about boundaries from our family of origin. If we were acknowledged and valued as beings separate from our caregivers, we are more likely to have developed healthy boundaries. However, if our caregivers did not respect our separateness from themselves, or if they gave us too much room and not enough connection with them, we develop too loose or too rigid boundaries.

Whether there was too much enmeshment or not enough connection with caregivers, we likely felt invisible. When children feel invisible to their parents, they begin believing that they’re not worthy of love or attention. Of course, this belief prohibits the development of robust self-esteem. If they are treated as an extension of the caregiver, then they will feel unfamiliar with their self. If denied affection, the child will feel rejected and inherently unlovable.

Those invisible and rejected children grow up to be adults with injured self-esteem and impaired awareness around boundaries.

Challenge Your Patterns

Assertiveness training can help a great deal. It’s also useful to be in relationships with people who have good boundaries. People with healthy boundaries know how to be close and intimate with others without losing their sense of self or steamrolling the other person.

Counseling can also help you learn more about boundaries, provided your counselor practices good boundaries. A counselor with good boundaries is clear about setting appointments, starts and ends sessions on time, and is direct and consistent about issues of payment.

It is common for children and adolescents in foster care and adoptive situations to exhibit challenging behaviors, some of which can be severe. It is equally common for parents providing care to these children to become upset and overwhelmed by what they see.

Before parents reach the point where they themselves may have a behavioral episode, I always remind them to remember the environment that their child came from. By remembering what this child was experiencing during their formative years, we can better understand the behaviors we are seeing now.

Understanding a Child’s History

Most likely, a child entering foster care is coming from a situation that may have consisted of severe neglect, physical abuse, sexual abuse, orphanage care, parental mental health issues, parents with addiction problems, or ongoing abandonment, to name a few. As a result, it makes sense that we see similar behaviors in children that they most likely experienced from their parents. These include:

• Withdrawn or depressed mood
• Lack of understanding regarding consequences
• Physical aggression towards others or animals
• Sexually acting out
• Anger
• Lack of impulse control
• Difficulty connecting with others
• Property destruction
• Emotional sensitivity
• Self-harm

Because these children did not have a comforting, loving, and secure environment as their “stable base,” they can appear lost, distrustful, and angry. These children are not “bad” or “damaged” like they may appear initially. Instead, they are simply having a normal reaction to the negative past experiences of their lives. Because of this, it is important to have a clear understanding of your child’s history in order to better understand what you are seeing now.

By gaining a deep understanding of your child’s experiences, you will be more competent as a parent and better able to work with the child in a calm and therapeutic manner. The good news is that these children can and will change with the security, warmth, and structure they can receive from a positive and therapeutic parent.

Creating a Therapeutic Environment

One of the most common burnout factors I experience with parents is lack of emotional reciprocity from the child, accompanied by destructive and targeted behaviors. We must remember that children and adolescents often “act out” when they are scared. This doesn’t necessarily mean they are scared of their foster parents, but it could mean they are terrified of being in a new environment and not knowing what to expect next.

Based on their history, it could make sense that the child would expect the worse and view everyone in their life as a potential threat. At that point, it doesn’t matter whether their foster or adoptive parent has the best intentions, a nice house with their own room, supportive siblings, or the best pet. What matters in that moment are the parent’s skills to create a therapeutic environment for that child to be able to succeed and thrive.

What does it mean to have a “therapeutic environment?” It does not mean you have a perfect family without any natural conflict. Instead, therapeutic in this context describes the positive and directed manner with which the parent is able to respond to situations. It is the response that determines the success of the intervention. In order to have an appropriate response, the parent must be self-aware enough of their own triggers and issues to be able to know whether they are responding to their children’s behaviors out of their own insecurities and fear or out of intentional positive parenting that will benefit the child.

This process of self-awareness can be quite a feat in itself. It is a critical step for parents to undertake when working with children that have trauma histories and need a little extra support. It may be necessary for the parent to take a self inventory of their own issues, parenting values, and childhood experiences that impacted who they are today. By taking this inventory, the parent can self-reflect on what responses they received from their own parent when they had a scraped knee, perfect report card, or just a bad day. By taking a self-inventory, the parent can understand where their own gut reactions come from in stressful parenting situations, and where some of their own learned behavior may have been developed.

Therapeutic parenting is about setting firm boundaries in a manner that is gentle enough to appeal to the child’s emotional needs and developmental stage, and strong enough to ensure felt security.

Basic Parenting Skills for Adopted and Foster Children

These basic therapeutic parenting skills are important in successfully responding to situations, as well as being proactive:

• Calm tone and facial expressions
• Use of positive rewards for desired behavior
• No use of sarcasm, physical punishment, or other negative measures
• Understanding and open attitude
• Clear rules and expectations
• Implementing firm structure and boundaries
• Consistency in rule-implementation and consequences
• Follow through, follow through, follow through every time

Therapeutic parenting is about setting firm boundaries in a manner that is gentle enough to appeal to the child’s emotional needs and developmental stage, and strong enough to ensure felt security. Following through with what you say you are going to do is also critically important. This teaches the child that they can trust what you say. They learn by your modeling that there are consequences for choices they make. By implementing positive and therapeutic parenting techniques, the parent will feel safer in their environment and so will the child. The hard part is implementation—it is much easier said than done.

In addition, there will inevitably be times you don’t implement these techniques as you would like to. When you slip as a parent it is important to acknowledge it. Apologize if you did something wrong or explain what happened. These “mistakes” are opportunities for you to demonstrate that you are human and you accept accountability—a social skill your child will benefit from having as well.

The best thing a parent can do when their child engages in this behavior is to remain calm and consistent. By doing so, the parent creates a safe space for the child to know that despite their behaviors, they are cared about in a consistent and structured environment. It is likely that a new foster or adoptive child will not show the love and affection that a parent is seeking. It is also likely that the child may be resentful of the situation and not act or appear appreciative of the parent’s efforts. When this occurs, it is important for you as the parent to remember, “It isn’t about me.” Use this as your mantra during behavioral episodes. Your job is not to save them, but to help guide them in their own journey of growth and self-awareness.

Persevering Through the Process

In the beginning period of a placement, which can last years, it is common for there to be steep peaks and valleys of behavior, usually quite frequently for the first year, at least. However, if the parent can stick with it and persevere through the difficult behaviors, the reward can be great. Over time, with consistency and warmth, a child can build trust and a sense of security with themselves and the rest of the world. The parent will start to see more mild peaks and valleys of behaviors, until a baseline is eventually reached—not without the occasional slip up, of course!

With a greater understanding and self-awareness on part of the parent, behavior will come to be an expected and natural part of a process, which can result in a child who has the opportunity for a life they wouldn’t have been able to live before. In my opinion, witnessing that type of positive change in a growing individual is one of the most rewarding things you can do. Good luck!

Parents who are struggling with managing the behavior of an adopted or foster child may find individual or family therapy helpful. Reach out to a licensed, compassionate therapist here.

Editor’s note: Content in this article and comment thread may be sexual or graphic in nature and may not be appropriate for all audiences.

Believe it or not, almost everyone has some secret desire, fantasy, or fetish that turns them on in the bedroom (or elsewhere). Some choose to keep their fantasies to themselves and think about them when alone. They consider this part of their sexuality not necessary to share. Others have a strong urge to share their fantasy or fetish, desiring to act it out with partners. Finally, there are those of us who have trouble swallowing the content of our desires, are confused or unsure about its meaning, and feel conflicted about our fantasies and fetishes.

Reflecting Childhood

Feelings of guilt, shame, and confusion about our fantasies and what turns us on are common in our society. We want to know, “Why do I feel this way and where does this come from?” The short answer is our sexual fantasies are likely a reflection of the stimuli we were exposed to during our sexual awakening, much like classical conditioning. For example, the boy who experiences his first erection in the bathtub may then pair arousal with water and bathing. He might have fantasies involving water. The girl who has a domineering mother or who feels ostracized by her peers may have fantasies in her adulthood about being dominated (Dixit, 2010, p. 47).

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What is often difficult for people to understand is that sexual awakening happens when we are children. Although childhood sexuality is a natural part of development, it is often ignored in our culture, shunned, or brushed under the rug as wrong. The child is made to feel ashamed or guilty for having sexual thoughts and desires. No explanations are given, and nothing is talked about.

By remembering that sexual curiosity and the desire to feel pleasure is a normal part of a child’s development, we can eradicate much of the shame and guilt we have about our early sexual experiences. It is this shame and guilt that may lead to our current state of confusion regarding our desires.

Reflecting Anxieties

Sexual fantasies may also be a reflection of our daily anxieties. For example, the individual who worries about having too many responsibilities in daily life may fantasize about being completely dominated and controlled in bed. The woman who feels small and unattractive may fantasize about being a dominatrix.

The key is to remember that we are creatures of balance. What we present to the world and feel on a daily basis often needs to be countered by its polar opposite, which could be manifesting in our sexual fantasies and fetishes. In other words, if an individual fantasizes about being sexually dominated in bed, it does not mean they are weak and helpless in real life. Frequently, the opposite is true.

Sexual fantasies are often representations of parts of our lives, whether past or present. When we break them down and take a closer look, we will see that they are normal reactions to our life experiences.

Reference:
Dixit, J. (April 2010). Psychology Today, p. 47.

In much of our work with people, we coach and encourage them to communicate difficult feelings and thoughts to others. What I mean by difficult are a range of verbal expressions of feelings or thoughts that expose vulnerability, disappointment, and anger. Why is it so hard to communicate to others that we are hurt, scared, disappointed, angry, or upset?

People are willing to spend countless sessions discussing, venting, and complaining about how others make them feel, yet as soon as we suggest they express these feelings to the person they’re directed to, they shy away. This inability to communicate in more honest, authentic ways creates a gap in every area of life; it underlies loneliness, family, and marital problems, causes friendships to drift, creates stress in the workplace, and causes feelings of inadequacy, creating self-esteem issues.

Our aim as therapists is to convince people that these difficulties in communication are damaging and that this can be changed. It is crucial to let people in therapy know and understand that communication patterns and styles are learned and can therefore be unlearned.

The key to understanding these issues lies in a thorough assessment of relationship history: discussing, examining, and processing communication interactions with key figures in one’s past and present. Most of us have learned communication skills and lessons from our parents, siblings, teachers, and other role models. Probably parents are our most powerful communication coaches. Early on, through verbal and nonverbal means, they made clear to us what is  and what is not acceptable to say—or at least what they don’t want to hear and talk about it.

Robert Bolton, PhD, in his book People Skills, says, “We first experience the training process at an early age. Parents or parent substitutes rewarded some kinds of nonverbal behavior, like smiling, and they communicated displeasure over other kinds of nonverbal behavior, such as “temper tantrums.” When we were young, they helped us frame our first words. Then they trained us to speak in certain ways. No matter how badly you hated the annual Thanksgiving visit to your aunt’s house, you have been told, “Thank your Aunt Edith for the lovely time you had.” He goes on to say that you were taught to not interrupt adults’ talking, not to whine, not to speak a certain way to certain people, not to use certain words. Parent substitutes—relatives, teachers, babysitters—also became part of the training process. Numerous dysfunctional ways of relating include learning to be superficial, ways to manipulate others, how to hurt and bully, how to build walls, and how to talk without saying anything.

Our main jobs as therapists are to help people identify their patterns of communicating, how to relate to others, and help and guide them to make necessary changes. The main direction of the change is that it is okay and actually conducive to creating deeper, more satisfying relationships if communication is more honest and authentic. More often than not it is okay to say what one thinks. There has to be a choice—you don’t have to feel stuck.

Most people in therapy, even if intellectually on board with this proposition, are inherently resistant to changing this. It is important to understand and help explore this resistance. The main reason for the resistance is that people think they are protecting themselves by communicating and relating the way they do. It is crucial to acknowledge this, then explain and teach people that their particular way of protecting themselves is not necessarily doing the trick and in fact creates other dangers—disconnection, isolation, hurt, and anger. It is crucial to help them understand that there is a way to take care of themselves, even protect themselves without exposure to risk and harm.

Most people are reluctant to express their feelings and thoughts because they are concerned about rejection, anger, or alienating others. They are afraid to expose their vulnerability, and face harm. As their therapists we must find a way to show them how they are harmed by creating walls, by not letting others know them as they truly are. This  prevents them from truly being known as well as truly knowing anyone else, creating an unreal, lonely existence, often based on false assumptions.

It is also important for people to understand how these patterns of communication create distance and rupture intimacy. More often than not, unexpressed resentments, disappointments, and unfulfilled needs result in self-esteem problems. At other times people erupt with uncontrolled anger or harmful behaviors over seemingly minor infractions. Both of these situations push others away and disrupt closeness, which dysfunctional communication attempts to solve or prevent.

Editor’s Note: The following article was written solely by the authors listed above. The views and opinions expressed here are not necessarily those of GoodTherapy.org. Questions and concerns regarding the article’s content can be directed to the authors or posted as a comment below. 

One of the most popular articles we have ever written here was an article titled Freeing the Parents of Adult Alcoholics and Addicts. This lead us to an obvious conclusion: there are a lot of parents out there searching for ways to extricate themselves from the manipulative clutches of their addicted, adult children.

The situation is a difficult one. How do parents who dearly loves their addicted sons or daughters best help their children? Do you continue to meet their unending demands for money or do you go to the other extreme and follow a “tough-love” approach, cutting off all contact with them until they straighten up? Neither works well, and the tough-love approach is difficult to maintain, especially because you love them, and because there may be grandchildren in the mix, too. So what do you do?

Following a middle path is usually best. Offering to pay for treatment, when they are ready, is a good start—assuming the treatment is one of the more effective options, rather than the standard, in our opinion, ineffectual, offerings of the AA/12-step/Minnesota Model.

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Not protecting them from their choices is also a good practice, because they have been protected for a long, long time if you are currently supporting them. Reassuring yourself that this lifestyle is their choice, not some mythical “disease,” also helps you feel less guilty about ramping down financial support.

I watched my own parents go through this same thing with one of my brothers. He was bleeding them dry but they kept supporting him, and I mean really supporting him, to the tune of $5000 a month. They just didn’t seem to understand why he wouldn’t straighten up, stop doing drugs, and get a job. Well, why should he? Heck, if you want to give me $60,000 a year, tax-free, for doing nothing, I might not work either.

Finally, they decided to listen to us (Ed and me), and we put Ed in the middle between my parents and my brother, and he had to do certain things each month in order to get his money, which he had to get from Ed, not my parents. And he was given a schedule showing how the money was going to be decreased each month until it was no longer available. This infuriated my brother. But slowly it started to work and today he is self-supporting and not doing drugs. Because he is working again, not being supported by my parents, he has regained his self-respect and that is an important component in keeping him from going back to abusing drugs.

Obviously, this is not the only way out of this mess, it is just what we came up with at the time and it worked. It worked because my parents had a lot of support from us to stay strong and not cave in the face of my brother’s anger over his perceived mistreatment.

Since then, we have performed similar services for several other families in our area and those have turned out well. If you have a situation with your addicted adult child and need help, please know there is help. You can work your way out of it.