A couple in therapy look at one anotherNext Friday, August 31, 2012, GoodTherapy.org is thrilled to welcome Dr. Laurie Moore, who will present Healing Betrayal Caused by Infidelity, a FREE CE teleconference for GoodTherapy.org members available with 1.5 CE Credits. We encourage you to join us for this exciting event, so if you have not already, register today!

Working with clients who are suffering from betrayal caused by infidelity is complex, including grieving stages, posttraumatic stress (PTSD), and additional factors. This article refers to infidelity as a breach in agreed emotional and sexual monogamy. Some couples agree to open relationships or polyamory, which is a different situation. Infidelity as defined in Wikipedia is “a breach of an expectation of sexual and or emotional exclusivity.” This involves a lie and broken promise, causing feelings of intense betrayal for many people.

Infidelity has become a common problem. Some infidelity statistics state that over 50% of both men and women engage in infidelity (Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 2012) and others say 30% to 60% (Wikipedia, 2012).

Those suffering from infidelity betrayal commonly go through Kubler Ross’s well-known stages of grief:

  1. Denial: This didn’t really happen or it’s not really as upsetting as I feel it is.
  2. Anger: How could you?
  3. Bargaining : If only I had communicated differently, this would not have happened.
  4. Depression : I feel helpless. Nothing I can do changes this discomfort.
  5. Acceptance : I have been hurt and disillusioned but I am at peace with myself.

The experience of grief due to infidelity includes additional factors that are absent from grief occurring from a death. Grief due to death is felt in a finite situation that contains an end. It is understood that the one who is gone is gone from the body permanently. Grief due to a breach in trust has no finite or predictable container. The one suffering finds him- or herself in unpredictable circumstances, which often feel very dismantling and excruciatingly unsettling.

Feelings that challenge self-confidence and worth are more common to infidelity betrayal than loss alone. Death is socially expected. Infidelity is shunned. The one who is betrayed is prone to feel guilt, shame, and embarrassment because the situation remains privately hidden or is condemned by a variety of reactions when exposed.

When death is the cause of grief, a solo journey is required. When betrayal is the cause of grief, two people are involved, so the situation is more complicated. Once one is lied to, the relationship is uncertain. This person can’t tell whether he or she is being lied to or told the truth. The one experiencing this challenge is often upset again in the aftermath of the partner relationship. This is different than the one abandoned by a death whose loss cannot re-emerge in a repeating scenario.

Clients with heartache caused by infidelity and betrayal can also go through fight-or-flight syndrome:

Fight: Arguing with, controlling, or managing the person who betrayed me will solve this.

Flight: Leaving will solve this.

Once fight or flight proves useless, a person will seek comfort in other ways. By assisting this person to fully meet the helplessness, sorrow, anger, anguish, disillusionment, and heartache that has come, peace can be found.

I have found that client-centered talk therapy, hypnotherapy, eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR), and the 12-step program are all deeply valuable for clients healing from infidelity. I also use my own Success Love Now (SLN) process effectively in these situations. Here is how and why each of these methods is valuable.

Someone who is suffering from loss and feeling isolated due to the taboo nature of this loss needs to be witnessed compassionately and caringly. This in itself helps to relieve the tremendous burden one carries from feeling alone. When being accepted within the context and emotions one is truly feeling, without being corrected or judged, peace can start to return. Acknowledging your understanding and compassion for a clients’ diverse set of feelings can be a profound help to a suffering client.

Because the shock of betrayal can be extreme, disrupting normal life in many ways, EMDR assists the hurting person to digest the deep emotions that are arising. Just getting through the day becomes a challenge for people who are betrayed. EMDR makes the healing time for this upheaval much faster in many cases.

Hypnotherapy allows the person who was hurt to re-find stability, meet parts of him- or herself that were hurting before the situation occurred, heal parts of him- or herself that are hurting now, and find a new basis for equanimity that is deeper than the circumstances. Taking a client into a deep, relaxed state in which the client can bring in peaceful parts of him- or herself to help the hurting parts enables a client to rebuild self-esteem and strength.

S-Anon Twelve Steps allow people to find the value in surrender, the gift in their challenge, and the support of others enduring similar pain. Twelve Steps also help the one who was betrayed to find out if addiction was involved in the betrayal, as commonly is the case. Letting your client know that S-anon is an option can be a valuable part of her or his healing process.

SLN provides a new framework for the person to feel empowered and at ease within the undesired circumstances. Encouraging the client to focus on what his/her purpose and aim are for him- or herself and gratitude for the good that is occurring within the context of the undesired happenings is beneficial. This will bring a client out of a victim mode and into a creative mode.

Of course, if the person who was betrayed plans to stay in the relationship, couples counseling and counseling for the one who was betrayed are necessary.

When working with clients who have been betrayed due to infidelity, it is important to understand the complexity of loss, mixed with PTSD, combined with humiliation–this situation causes a long period of overwhelm and readjustment. When the client is treated with compassion, the healing can go well.

Sources:

  1. Infidelity statistics. (n.d.). Retrieved August 20, 2012, from http://www.statisticbrain.com/infidelity-statistics
  2. Infidelity. (n.d.) Retrieved August 20, 2012, from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Infidelity

Related articles:
Cheating
Can a Couple Recover From Infidelity?
In-Depth Map for Three of the Eight SUCCESS LOVE NOW Steps

Destructive parentification is a behavior in which a parent transfers the emotional or physical responsibility of parenting to their child. Some parents turn to their children for emotional support and expect their children to fill emotional voids. Other parents who engage in destructive parentification may expect their children to fulfill physical obligations such as caretaking. These behaviors diminish the appropriate boundaries between a parent and child that are necessary for a child to develop his or her own identity. Additionally, boundaries that are blurred can expose children to events and circumstances that they are emotionally and physically unprepared to handle. This type of parentification can have significantly negative outcomes for children. Research has shown that children who are the victims of parentification, which is considered a form of abuse, have higher rates of externalizing and internalizing problems in childhood and adolescence than those who do not experience parentification.

When victims of parentification become parents themselves, the risk of the cycle continuing is extremely high. However, few studies have examined how maternal behavior in adult victims of childhood parentification affects future generations. To explore the relationship between maternal behavior and childhood psychological development, Amy K. Nuttal of the Department of Psychology at the University of Notre Dame in Indiana assessed 374 pairs of mother-child participants through the first 3 years of the children’s lives. The mothers were evaluated for childhood parentification in their own families of origin and and for mixed histories of emotional abuse, sexual abuse, or physical abuse.

Nuttal found that the women with destructive parentification were less responsive to their children at 18 months than those with no history of parentification. The unresponsiveness was predictive of externalizing behaviors in the children at 36 months. When Nuttal examined the effect of the father’s presence, she discovered that the participants who maintained a relationship with the father of the child had significantly lower levels of prior parentification than those who had no relationship with the fathers. Nuttal also found that previous parentification directly predicted low levels of maternal warmth in the participants, which indirectly predicted negative developmental outcomes for the children. She added, “This finding suggests that facilitating the development of maternal contingent responsiveness among mothers with a history of destructive parentification may promote more adaptive child development in the next generation.”

Reference:
Nuttall, A. K., Valentino, K., Borkowski, J. G. (2012). Maternal history of parentification, maternal warm responsiveness, and children’s externalizing behavior. Journal of Family Psychology. Advance online publication. doi: 10.1037/a0029470

Related articles:
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Importance of Coping Skills, Part 2: Building Resilience
How to Teach Children Emotional Intelligence

Couple toasting over dinnerHow many relationships do you see around you that you would actually want to be in? For most of us, we can count the number on one hand. An even better question might be, “Am I in the kind of relationship I would want my own child to be in someday?” If you want to top that and move into the area of upping your chances to have an exceptional relationship, you will ask yourself, “Am I being the kind of partner I would want my child to have someday?”

As a therapist who has worked with couples for more than a decade now, I see a disturbing trend on the rise. We are settling for mediocrity in ourselves as partners while expecting our partners to be exceptional, asking more of them than we do from ourselves. If you are thinking to yourself, “Could this be me? Am I being an exceptional or mediocre partner?,” please keep reading. because there are three simple traits that genuinely happy and fulfilled couples seem to have in common. If you are looking to take your relationship to the next level, consider raising your personal standards in any of the following ways, remembering that if you want a better relationship, it begins with looking at one’s own self first and foremost.

1. Exceptional partners have a good idea about what makes it difficult to have themselves for a partner, and they feel a sense of appreciation and respect for the challenges their own personality presents for their partner. They work hard to keep these attributes in check and not let them get out of control. Mediocre partners are rather hazy about their own shortcomings as a partner but can easily enough rattle off a long list of their partner’s flaws.

It is easy enough for most people to list off a handful of traits that make it difficult to have their significant other for a partner, but when the question is turned back on oneself—”What makes it difficult to have MYSELF for a partner?”—the exceptional partner demonstrates a rare willingness to identify his or her own shortcomings and backs this up with a steady commitment to managing and keeping his or her own difficult traits and imperfections in check so that they don’t impact the partner in unfair ways.

Whenever I work with a new couple, I always eventually get to that question because it helps me understand how to best help them. The old saying, “We can see everyone but ourselves when we enter a room,” applies to relationships, too. It’s normal to not know the answer to this question, but the willingness to be open and want to know the answer is everything. As the research from the world-renowned Gottman Institute has found in Seattle, Washington, female partners in particular need to know that their opinions and feedback truly matter to their partners. This is actively demonstrated by listening with the sincere intent to understand the other’s feelings and positions and find common ground and areas for compromise and by validating your partner’s stance without necessarily agreeing with it.

2. Exceptional partners understand that while they are not responsible for their partner’s happiness, contributing to their partner’s happiness is nonetheless a top priority. Mediocre partners, in contrast, are primarily focused on their own gratification first, and while they too can be thoughtful, thoughtfulness is not a daily habit.

Years ago, I placed a beautiful canopy bed up for sale. A couple arrived to purchase it. As they dismantled the bed piece by piece, there was an attitude of playfulness and a sense of mutual joy they took in one another that was striking in its rarity. “What’s your secret?” I asked them. They shared that the secret of their successful marriage was that every morning they ask themselves, “What might I do today to let my partner feel loved?” Exceptional partners make it a habit to be exceptionally thoughtful. They seem to recognize that life is short and seek out ways on a regular basis to express their love. For these couples, love is indeed not just a feeling but an active verb.

3. Exceptional partners ask a lot of themselves and not more nor less of their partners. Mediocre partners, on the other hand, have the balance tipped in the opposite direction. They either are asking more of their partner than they are of themselves or sacrificing their needs regularly in order to serve everyone else, leading to chronic feelings of depletion and often bitterness and not feeling appreciated.

It is often said that we should ask more from ourselves than others because this is the one thing that is in our control. However, this advice has its limits when it comes to the person we spend our lifetime beside day in and day out. Exceptional partners consider themselves a work in progress and make a habit of expressing their needs and desires in a direct yet respectful way. They insist on both treating their partner well while also being treated well in return. In other words, they invest heavily in the success of the relationship and expect their partner to bring this same level of consideration and commitment.

Mediocrity in our relationships may be our conditioned norm, but we can move into the exceptional this very moment by expanding our commitment to ask more of ourselves, appreciating our partner in ever deepening ways, and becoming voluntary stewards of one another’s joy.

Related articles:
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If Only My Partner Would Change, Then Everything Would Be OK

Groom kissing bride's handMany of the sex workers I’ve known refuse to let anyone but their spouse kiss them on the mouth. You would think that kissing “down there” would be more intimate but, surprisingly, it seems that for most people kissing a partner on the lips makes a more profound statement than kissing the genitals.

Frequently couples whose relationships are suffering report that they stopped kissing on the lips long before they stopped having intercourse. Why? Anthropologist Helen Fisher has pointed out that many of the major senses have their outlets on the human face. There is vision, taste, smell, and hearing (on the edges). So it may be that kissing on the lips or face provides a much more intense experience.

We also talk about someone “getting in your face” when they are being confrontational. To intentionally let someone get in your face is to allow yourself to be vulnerable in a very intimate way.

Recently a woman in her late forties lamented that her husband of 25 years had never asked her how she liked to be kissed. She likes delicate little butterfly kisses that are “dry…I just want to tell him to turn off the water works!” She decided during that session to tell him, or better yet show him what she liked, and reported later that their sex life had improved as a result.

I’ve heard it said that French kissing is the oral version of spelunking. One sex therapist colleague swears that it’s called that because French women found it to be an effective way to make French men shut up! I’ll never forget my first experience after a high school dance with “frenching.” The guy jammed his tongue deep into my throat like he was trying to reach my tonsils—a truly horrifying experience.

And can you remember hickeys? You know—the bruises that result when a lover sucks on your skin with a vacuum force that causes internal bleeding. Usually these show up on your neck, although one woman complained that her boyfriend had given her one on the middle of her forehead—who knew?

The neck actually is a glorious place to give and receive lots of tender kisses—most people report that they yearn for more attention to their neck as well as their eyelids, cheeks, ears, noses, and yes, even foreheads foregoing the vampire action of the previous paragraph!

Thorough and enthusiastic lovers will enjoy discovering and rediscovering their sweethearts from head to toe, finding new places their partner loves to be kissed. Here are a few suggestions….Skin folds or places where the skin creases tend to be exquisitely sensitive and love to be kissed. Examples include behind the knees, in front of elbows, under breasts, the nape of the neck, on eyelids, armpits, between fingers and toes, and behind ears. (One of my own favorite places since I wear glasses and get rather sore is behind my poor ears!)

Interested in a few more areas? The lower back and bum can be exquisite places to kiss and caress—and don’t forget bellies and navels. Some view the belly button as a tiny vulva, or equally sensitive point for men. These people love having their navels licked, sucked, and titillated.

The wisest thing that I suggest to people of both genders exploring a new relationship is to simply ask your partner to kiss you the way s/he likes to be kissed. You get to lean back and let them take over, and you get to learn all kinds of wonderful things! This type of deep surrender is what true sexual intimacy is all about.

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9 Secrets for a Lifetime of Like, Love, and Lust
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GoodTherapy | How Texting Changes CommunicationTexting has, in many ways, made communication easier by helping people avoid long, unpleasant phone conversations and making a quick “Hello” much easier. According to the Pew Research Center, 72% of teenagers text regularly, and one in three sends more than 100 texts per day. Clearly, texting is the preferred method of communication among young people, and that trend is moving upward toward adults, who are also texting much more frequently. While texting hasn’t been around long enough for researchers to study its long-term effects on communication, there is circumstantial evidence that it is rapidly altering the ways people communicate with one another both via text and in person.

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Face-to-Face Communication

Texting encourages rapid-fire, single-sentence thoughts, but this style of communication isn’t conducive to face-to-face communication. Consequently, people who text a lot may be more uncomfortable with in-person communication and may even use their cell phones to communicate with people who are in their presence. Parents often report that their teens text during dinner, and the friend who texts during a group night out is a common phenomenon. The reality may be not that these people are being rude but that they are uncomfortable with slow-paced, in-person communication.

Surface-Level Communication

Texting increases the frequency of small talk and can be a great asset to people beginning to form a friendship; they may be much more comfortable texting each other witty one-liners than they are picking up the phone and calling. But texting is, almost by definition, surface-level communication. When people communicate primarily via text, they’re much less likely to have meaningful conversations.

Written Communication

People know they’re using improper grammar when they text; it’s merely a shortcut that enables them to relay a message quickly and effectively. But over time, the way we communicate—even if we know the way we communicate is “technically” wrong—affects the way we think. The result is that people who have grown up texting may have much poorer writing skills than people who regularly communicate using grammatically correct sentences either in person, over the phone, or via email. Even worse, they may lose their ability to modify their tone and style depending upon who they talk to. Many employers complain that entry-level hires have no idea how to send a business email or communicate appropriately to superiors.

Impatience and Instant Gratification

Texting is real-time communication but is not in person. This creates an odd situation in which people feel compelled to respond immediately via text, but they aren’t really participating in an ongoing, progressively deepening conversation. The instant gratification of texting can lead to incredible impatience, even aggression. But when people are in person, the requirement of communicating immediately can be daunting for people communicating primarily via text. Thus texting can inhibit both in-person communication and texting itself.

Social Boundaries

Unlike phone calls, there are no clear rules about when it’s acceptable to text. And because texting doesn’t result in an angry person answering on the other end, many people feel more comfortable texting at any time and in any circumstance. The result is a decrease in privacy and social boundaries. People may text in the middle of the night or while someone is on vacation and expect an immediate response, because of the impatience texting encourages. The result is a blurring of the lines between public and private. While a couple might previously expect no interruptions on a vacation or honeymoon, they can now anticipate receiving and responding to texts. Because texting is not old enough for psychologists to know how this affects intimacy, we can only guess at its long-term effects on relationships.

References:

  1. Alison Bryant, J., Sanders-Jackson, A., Smallwood, A. K. (2006). IMing, Text messaging, and adolescent social networks. Journal of Computer-Mediated Communication,11(2), 577-592. doi: 10.1111/j.1083-6101.2006.00028.x
  2. Hanna, J. (n.d.). W&L Psychology Project examines cell-phone usage and adolescent health. Washington and Lee University. Retrieved from http://news.blogs.wlu.edu/2012/07/24/wl-psychology-project-examines-cell-phone-usage-and-adolescent-health/
  3. Influence of Texting on Communication Skills. (n.d.). Influence of texting on communication skills. Retrieved from http://artofeloquence.com/texting/

Young man walkingPeople in their 20s seem to have it all: youth, energy, health, and looks. But they are also still figuring themselves out, and this time of change can bring certain mental health concerns as well. Experts have information on these issues that tend to impact people in their 20s, and provide some solutions for addressing and coping with these problems.

Clinical psychologist Dean Haddock, a marriage, family, and child counselor and the executive director and founder of Community Counseling and Psychological Services, points to a fairly common activity of 20-somethings that can lead to mental health issues if it’s not checked: alcohol and drug use.

“The first problem that leads to many others is alcohol and chemical abuse, which often leads to dependency,” Haddock said in an email. “The mental disorders that follow are often depression, anxiety, and brain injury. Of course, self-esteem and body-image problems often lead to eating disorders.”

Haddock gives three tips to help people in their 20s prevent and get through some common mental health concerns:

  1. Know your genetic history of mental disorders. Knowing is half the battle to avoid those disorders in yourself.
  2. Be choosey about your friends, as they will influence your decisions. Healthy friends lead to healthier decisions.
  3. Self-esteem is often the result of the people who matter to you. If they do not esteem you, then you will not esteem yourself.

Nerina Garcia-Arcement, a clinical psychologist and clinical assistant professor at NYU School of Medicine, suggests that the many life changes people experience in their 20s can cause mental health issues at times.

“Your 20s are filled with life transitions that can be stressful,” Garcia-Arcement said. “This is a time when young adults are solidifying their personalities, developing their independence from family, starting or finishing college, beginning new jobs, developing a career, forming romantic relationships, and learning to manage their existing family relationships and friendships within these context.”

“Individuals in their 20s don’t have a lifetime of experience to draw on when managing multiple life transitions at once,” she added. “When someone experiences these transitions, anxiety and depressive disorders can occur.”

Here are six of Garcia-Arcement’s tips to help people in their 20s cope with mental health issues more common to that age group:

  1. Seek out and form strong support networks.
  2. Seek out others who are going through similar experiences and share your feelings, whether you are feeling worried, nervous, scared, sad, confused, or excited.
  3. Know that you are not alone in your confusion about your career and relationships.
  4. Seek out mentors who have achieved their goals, and ask for advice.
  5. If you are feeling stress, sadness, or anxiety, engage in activities that will help you manage those feelings such as yoga, meditation, exercise, hobbies, social activities, relaxation exercises, and deep breathing.
  6. If you feel you are not getting the necessary support and feel overwhelmed or depressed, seek out mental health professionals who can help you manage the feelings related to your life transitions.

Stephanie Sarkis, a licensed mental health counselor, said in an email that anxiety and depression are some of the main mental health issues 20-somethings face.

“We have seen an increase in these issues due to the lagging economy and difficulties finding employment,” Sarkis said. “Many people in their 20s have moved back in with their parents, which can trigger feelings of failure and frustration.”

Dr. Maiysha Clairborne, a family physician and wellness and stress management coach, added in an email that eating disorders associated with body dysmorphic disorder and body-image issues are also common for people in their 20s. She has three overall tips for people in this age group:

  1. Talk to someone. The worst thing that a person can do when they are feeling depressed, anxious, or alone is to isolate more. Many times when we talk with someone we trust about what’s going on, we come to realize that we are not the only ones experiencing it and then we can get support.
  2. Get active. Staying physically active not only helps to keep the body fit but also helps release endorphins and serotonin in the brain, which help keep the mood elevated. Physical activity is also a good release for stress and anxiety.
  3. Minimize sugar and junk food. Sugar and processed junk foods can worsen the emotions of stress, anxiety, and depression because they cause erratic changes in your body’s blood sugars. This can disrupt the normal release of hormones in the brain that keep your moods stable.

Scott Carroll, a psychiatrist with dual board certifications in adult and child and adolescent psychiatry, said there are many issues specific to people in their 20s, including problems associated with medication use.

“Many people were on stimulants/meds for their ADHD when they were younger, but they thought it was okay to stop their meds when they were done with school,” Carroll said. “Now they are struggling at work and don’t know why. I’ve also seen young adults stop all kinds of meds like their thyroid meds because they didn’t know why they were even on it, and then they have all kinds of problems.”

Bad habits involving drug and alcohol use can start to become a major substance abuse issue when people are in their 20s, and other mental health issues start coming to the forefront at this time in peoples’ lives. Examples include bipolar disorder and schizophrenia. Also, panic attacks can start for people who have a genetic predisposition and who have higher amounts of stress associated with newfound adulthood.

“The 20s are an important time of social/emotional development,” Carroll said. “Unlike previous generations, identity formation often takes the entire 20s due to the complexity of modern society. It could be said that adolescence lasts until the early 30s in today’s society due to [prolonged] periods of education (grad school, law school, med school, etc.), lack of stable job options, and delays in getting married and starting families.”

Carroll, who is also an assistant professor at the University of New Mexico School of Medicine, suggests that when it comes to serious relationships and marriage, people in their 20s should consider how their choices could eventually affect their mental health and how their brain plays a part in their decision.

“Many 20-somethings are tempted to get married, but it is generally a bad idea because the brain in not done developing until about 25 [years old] … which leaves young adults vulnerable to having their rational mind be overwhelmed by their feelings or stress,” Carroll said. “Relationship choices often dramatically change from the early 20s to the late 20s, so many people find that the person that was perfect at 22 is a disaster at 27.  This can be an incredibly hard transition, to have to break up with your former soul mate that you thought you’d love for life because you’ve changed so much over the last several years.”

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How Schools Could Prevent Depression

GoodTherapy | Do Men and Women Have Different Sexual Fantasies?

According to a recent article, men spend a bit more time fantasizing about sex than women do. However, contrary to what some people believe, based on the results of a study conducted by Juan Carlos Sierra Freire and Nieves Moyano Munoz, both of the Department of Personality, Psychological Evaluation and Treatment at the University of Granada in Spain, men and women don’t usually fantasize about sexual encounters with strangers, but with their partners. Sources of entertainment that are focused on fulfilling sexual fantasies, like steamy books, racy movies, and even websites, all sensationalize the stranger fantasy. Whether it is with a hot construction worker or a sexy swimsuit model, some of the most sexually stimulating scenarios involve strangers colliding for a thrilling and fulfilling sexual encounter. But this is not what the majority of people actually fantasize about.

For their study, Freire and Munoz surveyed 2,500 men and women ranging in age from 18 to 73. All of the participants questioned had been in some form of heterosexual partnership in the last year. They were asked whether they had ever had a sexual fantasy and if so, to describe the type of fantasy. The researchers assessed whether the fantasies resulted in negative or positive feelings and explored what characters were most prevalent in the fantasies. They found that almost all of the respondents had fantasized about sex at one time or another. Surprisingly, the majority of them, nearly 80%, reported that they had had at least one negative sexual fantasy. For women, negative fantasies involved forced sexual encounters and for men it involved homosexuality.

The team also found that although men did fantasize more often than the women, both men and women usually fantasized about sex with their partners. Other findings revealed that women had more positive sexual fantasies than the men, and men had more experimental sexual fantasies, including fantasies about threesomes and other group sexual encounters. Overall, the researchers believe that having fantasies about sex “favors some aspects as sexual desire and arousal” and is an area of exploration for therapists working with individuals who have sexual concerns.

Source:
University of Granada (2012, July 18). A study shows that men and women have the same sexual fantasies. Retrieved from http://www.alphagalileo.org/ViewItem.aspx?ItemId=122554&CultureCode=en

Related articles:
What Do Your Sexual Fantasies Mean?
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Exploring Alternative Lifestyles in Your Relationship

Silhouettes of peopleHow many times have you found yourself in the situation of being worried or anxious about sharing a part of yourself with others? Too often we’re forced to choose one part of ourselves that we want to share over another part that might be equally as important. This can be extreme or subtle.

For example, teenagers who are both gay and Christian might feel like they can’t be both at the same time. These conflicting identities create a bind for them. At church the young person might be given a very direct message that being gay is wrong. For these teens they know that if they want to celebrate their Christianity with their community, they need to pretend to be straight. Gay community can be equally as complicated. After years of oppression from churches many people who are gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, or queer have struggled with Christianity. In this situation these teens might not feel able to express their strong religious beliefs within the gay community. For them, there is no place where they feel totally accepted, totally themselves. This example of split identities is very clear; however, sometimes the ways in which we’re forced to hide parts of ourselves is much more subtle.

In my work, I frequently find men who are struggling with a conflict of identity around gender and gender role. What happens when a straight man has interests or beliefs that are labeled as feminine? For example, if he doesn’t want to fight or he prefers conversations with women over watching sports with men. In our culture there is an assumption that men are going to act masculine. Often men are forced to hide parts of their identity that are not seen as masculine enough. This identity bind is much more subtle but still painful.

We face situations like these every day. Our identities have many facets including our ethnicity, race, religion, and sexual orientation as well as other ways we define ourselves, such as pacifist, good listener, or caregiver. Each of us has parts of our identities that we feel comfortable sharing with strangers and other parts that we only want to share with friends. There are things we are proud of and things we are ashamed of. Our identities are multidimensional; they have many layers and many meanings. Sometimes these identities are hierarchical, and one identity may be more important than all of the others. Understanding what our own multidimensional identity looks like can help us in those moments when not sharing our full self makes us feel invisible.

How do you introduce yourself to someone new after you tell them your name? In the United States we often use our professions to describe who we are to other people, “I’m a teacher/lawyer/electrician/therapist/writer.” As a culture we put a lot of value on employment and jobs, so much that sometimes our jobs become our identities. If you could describe yourself to a stranger as something other than your occupation, what would it be? Maybe it would be a description of an important relationship, such as “I’m a dad/mom/sister/uncle/grandma.” These are only two ways in which we might identify ourselves.

Take a moment and list the first five of your identities that you can think of. What made the top five? Are you surprised at any of the ones that are there? Are there any identities missing that you wish were on that top five list? And are there any identities on your list that you have felt you need to hide?

Being proud of ourselves is often much harder than it sounds. We live in a world filled with expectations, some spoken and some unspoken. But just because a part of our identity can’t be seen does not mean that it’s not there. It does mean that you might have to work a little bit harder to give it it’s time in the sun—to find a safe space to share the parts of you that feel invisible. Finding these spaces is an important step towards integrating our identities and feeling whole.

Related articles:
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The Tiger Hunter

Young woman in white tee shirt leaning against phone booth, holding payphone in left hand. She has her hand on her forehead and looks upset and stressed.What do you do out of guilt?

I recently realized that I was doing a lot of things out of obligation, feelings of guilt, or just a general feeling that if I didn’t do something, I would have bad karma—or worse yet, that people would stop liking me and inviting me to things. I live in Los Angeles, a sunny, warm place with lots of people and a ton of things to do all the time. With the invitations always forthcoming, it is sometimes difficult but necessary to say no. In order to maintain a semblance of sanity and self, one must pick and choose when to say “yes” and when to say “no.” Ideally, when saying “no,” we won’t have to worry about being rejected or left out, missing out, or losing friendships.

This problem also happens in the context of intimate relationships and is very real. Within relationships, there is an intrinsic fear of losing our partner. “If I don’t go along with what my partner wants, they may find someone better.” There is fear of being seen in a bad light, of not compromising, not letting our partner live their life, judgment by our in-laws, and more. And sometimes these fears are so deeply ingrained in our being that it’s hard to even recognize when it’s happening.

The negative side effects of doing something out of guilt, duty, or obligation are the feelings that we are left with: the after-effects that jeopardize our relationship because they build on anger, resentment, and frustration. The things we do out of guilt don’t pay a lot of dividends. Instead, they leave us feeling bereft and unheard and can lead to martyrdom: the “I do so much for you, but what have you done for me lately?” phenomenon—also known as playing the victim. In the recovery world of sobriety and Alcoholics Anonymous, it’s known as enabling or codependence. Doing things that you really don’t want to do because you feel as though you are supposed to is a ticket to disaster.

So how do you break this cycle?

Well, first you have to get to know yourself. Sometimes in the midst of all these desires and fears it is hard to get to the core of who we are, what we need, and what will be best for us right now. I’ve devised a quick list for you to get on your way to knowing yourself, knowing your needs, and then standing up for them—in a nice way that doesn’t offend, hurt, or piss people off.

Repeat the steps above. If you find yourself saying “yes” to things you don’t really want to do, ask yourself what you are getting out of it and why you keep repeating this pattern. Things like fear of losing the relationship or guilt are often ideas we perpetuate for ourselves that don’t have a lot of basis in reality. Knowing yourself and learning to avoid sticky situations that lead to anger, frustration, and resentment are the keys to healthy, happy, and functional relationships.

The ideal standards model (ISM) of interpersonal evaluations suggests that a partner becomes dissatisfied with his or her relationship when the significant other fails to measure up to what he or she expects an ideal mate to be. Likewise, this level of dissatisfaction can occur when one partner perceives that he or she is not living up to his or her partner’s standards. These relationship discrepancies therefore are indirectly caused by each partner, whether that person realizes it or not. Additionally, each type of discrepancy, whether partner generated (PD-Partner) or self-generated (PD-Self) can produce a different behavioral response. Although partner behavior has been studied in the context of ISM, it has not been explored further. Therefore, to address the partner discrepancy origins and effects using the ISM, Sandra D. Lackenbauer of the Department of Psychology at Western University in Ontario, Canada, recently led a series of studies of partners in unmarried and married relationships.

Lackenbauer assessed how PD affected motivation, avoidance, feelings of self-worth and agitation. In the first three studies, Lackenbauer found that those with high levels of PD-partner felt dejected while those with high levels of PD-self had more agitation. This was especially evident on scales that measured trustworthiness and feelings of warmth and caring. In the final two studies, the participants with PD-partner led to promotion-focused emotional responses while the presence of PD-self resulted in more prevention-based strategies.

The findings from these studies extend previous research on ISM and emotional regulation within intimate relationships. Although some existing research suggests that discrepancies are directly related to dissatisfaction within relationships, the results of Lackenbauer’s research suggests otherwise. In fact, the participants who exhibited PD-partner trends engaged in nurturing and promoting behaviors which can be a positive path for increases in satisfaction. The prevention behaviors displayed by those with high levels of PD-self suggest that individuals who perceive themselves as less than ideal take actions that minimize feelings of insecurity and abandonment in their relationships. Additionally, these individuals tend to maximize their assets in an effort to more closely match what they believe their partner’s ideal to be. Lackenbauer added, “Especially for those people involved in generally satisfying and committed relationships, this prevention strategy could be aimed at reducing the partner discrepancy to ultimately maintain the relationship satisfaction.” Regardless, Lackenbauer believes that more research is needed to fully examine how these discrepancies and ensuing behaviors contribute to overall relationship satisfaction.

Recent research continues to support these findings, showing that couples’ emotional regulation strategies and how partners manage discrepancies between expectations and reality remain crucial factors in relationship satisfaction and stability. Studies from 2023 demonstrate that satisfaction with relationship status and the alignment between relationship desires and reality significantly impact mental health outcomes, with higher satisfaction associated with lower depression and romantic loneliness.

Contemporary research emphasizes that difficulties related to partner discrepancies remain among the most common complaints in people seeking relationship therapy, with communication quality playing a key role in how couples manage these discrepancies. Modern studies also highlight how partners’ mutual influences on behavior change intentions and emotional regulation continue to shape relationship dynamics, with individuals experiencing more negative emotions when their partner’s readiness for change differs from their own.

Reference: Lackenbauer, S. D., Campbell, L. (2012). Measuring up: The unique emotional and regulatory outcomes of different perceived partner-ideal discrepancies in romantic relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. Advance online publication. doi: 10.1037/a0029054

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References:

  1. Baghaei, N., et al. (2024). The role of interpersonal emotion regulation in couples’ relationships. Iranian Journal of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences, 18(1). https://brieflands.com/journals/ijpbs/articles/148166.pdf
  2. Dębek, A., et al. (2023). Relationship (in)congruency may differently impact mental health. Clinical Psychology & Psychotherapy, 30(2), 121-135. https://doi.org/10.1002/cpp.2757
  3. Driebe, J. C., Stern, J., Penke, L., & Gerlach, T. M. (2024). Probing the predictive validity of ideal partner preferences for future partner traits and relationship outcomes across 13 years. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 41(4), 832-859. https://doi.org/10.1177/08902070231213797
  4. Galizia, R., Theodorou, A., et al. (2023). Sexual satisfaction mediates the effects of the quality of dyadic sexual communication on the degree of perceived sexual desire discrepancy. Healthcare, 11(5), 648. https://doi.org/10.3390/healthcare11050648
  5. Gouin, J.-P. (2024). Couples-based health behavior change interventions: A relationship science perspective on the unique opportunities and challenges to improve dyadic health. Comprehensive Psychoneuroendocrinology, 19, 100250. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpnec.2024.100250
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  7. Roth, M., Landolt, S. A., Nussbeck, F. W., Weitkamp, K., & Bodenmann, G. (2024). Positive outcomes of long-term relationship satisfaction trajectories in stable romantic couples: A 10-year longitudinal study. Applied Psychology: Health and Well-Being. https://doi.org/10.1007/s41042-024-00201-1
  8. Wrobel, M., et al. (2023). What matters in a relationship—Age, sexual satisfaction, relationship length, and interpersonal closeness as predictors of relationship satisfaction in young adults. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 20(5), 4103. https://doi.org/10.3390/ijerph20054103

Woman laying in grass with flowerRomantic love can be all consuming. In the beginning stages of a relationship, one or both partners may be overwhelmed with feelings of affection for the other partner. Couples may want to spend all of their waking hours together and actually crave each other’s presence when apart. These feelings are not uncommon in many budding romances. However, when they persist and lead to unhealthy behaviors, this type of love can become destructive. Much like an addiction to drugs or alcohol, people who experience love addiction pursue their drug at the expense of their friendships, careers, family members, and even self-respect.

In a recent article, Dr. David Sack, a psychiatrist and addiction specialist, explains what love addiction is. He says that people who are in addictive relationships experience limerence, a term introduced by psychologist and author Dorothy Tennov to describe love obsession and dependence. Limerence mimics new romantic love, but unlike true love that constructively develops into reciprocal, mutual affection, limerence is usually destructive. When one partner exhibits limerent behaviors, they may begin to cross emotional and physical boundaries in order to secure the attention and affection they need. Even when the feelings are not returned, the limerent partner may continue to chase after the other partner. Sack says, “Behaviors may become dangerous, such as stalking or unwanted contact, and require outpatient or residential love addiction treatment, professional counseling, and/or 12-step work.”

Limerent relationships are not all bad. Although most end with one partner being rejected and hurt, some actually grow into healthy and mutually loving unions. Individuals who display limerent behavior in one relationship may continue to do so in future relationships, creating a pattern of destruction and disappointment. Sack suggests that individuals who believe they are involved in a limerent relationship, either by their own actions or those of their partner, work with a professional to identify the negative behaviors. Understanding the cause of the limerent patterns will help an individual become aware of why they behave the way they do and give them an opportunity to transform negative patterns into more positive and promising ones.

Source:
Sack, D. (2012, June 28). Limerence and the biochemical roots of love addiction. From the Huffington Post. Retrieved from http://www.huffingtonpost.com/david-sack-md/limerence_b_1627089.html

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What to Look for in an Addiction Therapist, Part 1
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Unhappy couple sitting on stone steps

According to a recent article, being completely honest with your mate about infidelity might not always be the best strategy. Clinical Psychologist Bruce Stevens explained that understanding the need to be honest about the affair can help guide the decision whether to do so or not. Stevens has worked with couples for more than two decades and said that his experience has shown him that only about half of marriages survive after an affair has been revealed. He says, “After an affair is found out, it’s like a bomb has been dropped on the relationship and you cannot predict how it will go.”

When someone confesses to having an affair, it can create a sense of chaos unlike any other the relationship has ever experienced. Stevens knows that couples who put in the effort to work through the many issues that arise after the affair have a good chance of salvaging their relationship and usually have a stronger, better, healthier relationship because of it. Stevens says that many people admit to their affair in order to assuage their own guilt. He believes that this reason should not be the motivating factor for full disclosure. Stevens says there is no guarantee that both partners will be able to overcome the damage caused by the truth and thinks it’s almost like playing Russian roulette.

The good news is that Stevens also thinks that there is significant hope for couples who can be realistic after they go through the pain of discovering an affair. If both partners are willing to accept responsibility and recognize that they are both human beings, flawed and imperfect, they have a very good chance of moving forward in their life together. Regardless of whether partners choose to come clean about their infidelity or not, Stevens reminds us that affairs are like fairytales. They are illusions that allow us to temporarily escape reality. The difference is, affairs rarely end “happily ever after.”

Related articles:
Reasons for the Affair
When Is the Marriage Really Over?
The 5 Truths Every Married Person Needs to Know About Affairs

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