Going through a breakup is one of the most difficult experiences we can have. Heartache, grief, and confusion, mixed with feelings of powerlessness or even betrayal, can bring out the crazies in all of us. It can be hard to focus and function, making daily life overwhelming.

If you are going through a breakup, my heart goes out to you. I’ve been through it and I know how overwhelming it feels.

Here are my five top tips for moving on:

1. Cease ALL Contact

One of the biggest mistakes people make is fooling themselves into believing they can still be friends with their ex—right away. It may be possible down the road, but in order to get over someone, it’s best not to see them, speak to them, or know anything of them for a long time. You can’t simply switch off your romantic feelings toward someone and view them in a platonic or neutral way overnight. Continuing to stay in contact prolongs pain by allowing you to be hopeful. And having hope for reconciliation keeps you stuck in the transition and won’t allow you to get past the pain.

Zero contact means the obvious: no texting, talking, or getting together. But it also includes the covert: voyeurism and cyber-stalking, positioning yourself to “bump into” your ex by hanging out in places they go, communicating with his/her friends, or fabricating reasons to see each other, such as returning a toothbrush. [fat_widget_relationships_right]

2. Remember You ARE Lovable

We tend to bash ourselves after a breakup. We think of everything we believe we did wrong to drive the ex away, reminding ourselves of all our regrettable actions. We inflate our flaws and tell ourselves we aren’t good enough for the ex. This makes us feel unlovable and that we are somehow excluded or disqualified from winning in love.

It may be true that you tend toward a specific behavior that is not so appealing and it could have become the deal-breaker for the relationship—but even if that is the case, your behavior is not you and it is something you can change. YOU are still lovable. And the right person for you will appreciate all that you are.

3. Focus on the Big Picture

So often when someone breaks up with us, we tend to focus on all the positive things about the person and the relationship. This makes us pine for them even more, and we long to be with them for all those amazing qualities and times we had together. We relive the happy times and focus so vividly on the wonderful qualities of our ex.

If you allow yourself to step back, you will be able to see the whole picture. There were problems or unhealthy dynamics in the relationship, parts of your ex you didn’t like, and unpleasant feelings you had that you ignored. When you find yourself focusing on the wonderful parts, you will feel distraught, but if you shift your focus to include the unpleasant truths of your ex and the relationship, your emotional state will respond accordingly.

To solidify this, write a list of all the negative qualities of your ex, the parts of the dynamic you didn’t like, and how you often felt in the relationship. This is to help ground you in reality and not remain starry- eyed. You will soon come to understand that your ex did you a huge favor!

4. Look for the Lessons

When a relationship ends, people tend to get stuck in the idea that they wasted time. This kind of thinking puts us in a victim position, which can feel extremely powerless.

As tough as it can be to look within right now, it will help more than you can imagine if you are able to reflect on yourself in the relationship. If your ex is at fault or to blame for the relationship going wrong or ending, then you have no control in this situation and it will absolutely feel like a waste of time.

Dig in! Really try to take responsibility where you can, without condemning yourself, of course. If you can own up to your contributions that caused the relationship to sour, you will be able to learn the lessons this relationship was meant to teach you. And though it is a hard lesson to come by, it means you didn’t waste time at all. You will be more prepared and whole going into your next relationship, and both of you will benefit from those hard-earned growing pains.

If you take the time to write your findings, you may actually see a pattern emerge. You may come to see that your role in this current relationship looked very similar to previous relationships as well. Allowing yourself to see patterns of behavior means you can finally be clear about how to be healthier in the future.

5. Take Care of Yourself

If taking care of yourself means reaching out to friends or family, then do it now! You may tend to isolate when going through a tough time, so staying connected to your staunch supporters is vital to your recovery. They know you may not be great company right now, and that is OK.

On the other hand, if you tend to avoid your sadness by being social, drinking too much, or working a lot, you may need to provide yourself some downtime. Time alone to fall apart and grieve will help you move through this time quicker.

Make sure you are eating well, getting enough water, sleep, and exercise, and continue engaging in the activities that bring you pleasure. It may be tempting to forego all of that in self-punishment or self-pity, but it will truly only make you feel worse.

The quickest way to the other side of a long, dark, and scary tunnel is straight through. Embrace your reality, feel the feelings (you won’t melt), fall apart, and be a mess. Such a response is natural and congruent to the situation you are in right now. If you didn’t have these feelings, I would say you didn’t much care for the ex or the relationship.

If you feel yourself trying to take the long way around the tunnel to avoid feeling the feelings, please know that it will prolong your pain and you may get stuck. You can’t drink, eat, shop, exercise, or party your way around this pain, and if you try, you may just end up with another problem on your hands.

Please know:

You will feel happy again.

These unpleasant feelings will pass.

You will experience love and connection again if you remain open.

You are worthy and deserving of love.

With compassion,

Hilary

Here are a couple of questions for you. What happens inside you when you when you read or listen to the daily litany of abuse of power, suffering, injustice, murder, war, and destruction of the earth? What do you do when someone close to you has been hurt by unethical actions?

Asking around, these are the things I’ve heard.

“I just get numb because I don’t think I could bear the amount of pain I would feel.”

“Well, I get mad at the news companies because they just seem to look for the bad stuff and don’t give us a balance. There’s good stuff happening too, but I guess that doesn’t sell.”

“I find I can’t see violent movies anymore even if they are Academy Award winners. Hurts too much.”

“I glaze over so I can subdue my feelings.”

“I feel so upset and helpless that it turns to hopelessness. When it’s hopeless, I disempower myself because there’s nothing useful I can do anyway, so why bother?”

“When something gets to me, I can’t sleep at night.”

“I feel disappointed in people. We know better than what we do.”

“I just don’t read the paper or listen to the news anymore. I don’t want to support this kind of newscasting.”

“I try to offset the bad news with looking at the bright side. I think I do this too quickly in an effort to avoid feeling bad.”

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Do any or many of these responses feel familiar to you? Anything you want to add?

Of course, how we deal with human suffering is one of the universal core life questions that each of us must find an answer to. This question has two dimensions—how will you BE with suffering and what will you DO about it? This article speaks to the kinds of inner doing that can help you be with terrible and disturbing things.

Recently, I was singing in a chanting group. One of our songs was a lament. We were to let go in wailing sounds for some minutes, and then we sang the words of the lament. Stefan Waligur, the leader, reminded us that wailing and keening are an historic and current form of individual and group response to suffering, grief, and injustice. Wailing is often, though not always, the work of women on behalf of the whole community or the whole family. Wailing walls. Wailing in the streets. Wailing over the bodies of the dead. For many people and many cultures, this is the appropriate way to respond to terrible things.

For me, the lamenting sounds felt good and relieving. I was surprised because I tend toward stoically managing my feelings. Lamenting as a chant made it more acceptable for me. It felt good to let my whole body move and sound with the expression of deep grief. Stefan suggested we should make a place for group laments in response to a school shooting, flood, or insurrection.

Public or private lamenting, full of sound and movement, is a good antidote to the responses of fury, numbness, and hopelessness that have become our normal reactions.

My friend Robert said he noticed he regularly shut down about, as he called it, “news of the terrible.” He now has a practice of covering his eyes with his hands and taking a moment to let his grief travel through his body and soul after hearing something distressing. He says it helps him stay alive and real. When you numb yourself about bad stuff, you numb yourself about good stuff, too. Numbing is not selective.

Public or private lamenting, full of sound and movement, is a good antidote to the responses of fury, numbness, and hopelessness that have become our normal reactions.

A study comparing meditation masters and ordinary people in terms of how they respond to disturbing images found that the people in both groups responded to the disturbing images with an equal level of pain and upset. The only difference was that the meditation masters were more resilient and returned to their normal state of equanimity much sooner. Their emotions were quick spikes, whereas the non-meditators stayed in their distress for a significantly longer time. I think regular lamenting could have the same effect of increasing resilience.

My friend Charna suggests a Buddhist practice of consciously breathing in suffering and breathing out love. “We live in a field of energy,” she says. “When I focus on the suffering-and-love exchange, I feel like I am keeping my own system healthy and contributing to the health of the energy field.”

The TV series Nova has a program about the earth atmosphere that showed equipment measuring a remarkably constant global electronic signature of 8 megahertz. This is kept regular by the spikes of lightning that are constantly spread through the atmosphere, steadying the electrical charge. Globally, there are some 8,640,000 lightning flashes worldwide every day! It seems even nature keeps in balance by quick energy spikes.

The process of consciously lamenting could be an often-missing link to maintaining personal balance and resilience. It could help us stay emotionally open and respond to news of the terrible with grief and lamenting instead of rage, numbing, and hopelessness.

Please try making a place for lamenting in your life, and let me know in the comments section what you find out.

If you like to listen to music, you’re probably familiar with the intense flurry of emotion that can come when you hear a song that precisely fits the mood you’re in—a song that perfectly captures what you’re thinking and feeling. You might have organized playlists to turn to in order to create such an experience, securing instant access to songs that can meet your needs.

You’re not alone if one of those playlists is suited for heartache. Many of us turn to music after breakups, whether this music is muffled from under a tear-soaked blanket, blasted through running earbuds, or belted from the diaphragm.

A breakup is a loss, so it evokes everything that comes with loss: confusion, denial, longing, anger, depression, despair. Through all this chaos, heartbreak can magnify our needs for comfort, support, and understanding. One way we can meet those needs is through music.

Pain Relief: How Music Supports You at the End of the Road

For decades, researchers have been examining the pain-relieving effects of music, and for good reason: a considerable amount of research supports the notion that music can have positive effects on listeners in pain.

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In one study, published in 2006, Mitchell and McDonald induced pain by having participants immerse their hands in ice water. They found participants who listened to music of their choosing could withstand pain for significantly longer than those who listened to music chosen by the experimenters or no music at all. In a 2008 study, Mitchell, McDonald, and Knussen found listening to music also decreased study participants’ levels of anxiety when the researchers induced pain.

Researchers are investigating the mechanics underlying the impact of music on coping with pain. In a 2010 study by Salimpoor et al., participants were asked to bring along music they found moving. The researchers then examined functional MRI scans of participants and found significant increases of dopamine, the neurotransmitter involved in reward and pleasure, in the brain at the moments that participants were deeply moved by the music they chose. The dopamine increase started even in preceding moments, when the participants started to anticipate these poignant parts of their songs.

Have you ever gotten the chills while listening to music? Salimpoor et al. suggest this dopamine rush is responsible.

Music can have soothing and moving effects on us, including actual physiological reactions in our brains. Neuroscientists are continuing to research this topic, learning more about the way music affects our brains and shapes our experiences. But what we know so far indicates what many of us recognize intuitively: listening to music you love can alleviate some of the hurt in your heart.

Why, then, are we drawn specifically to breakup music? If any music we enjoy can give us a dopamine boost, why do we look to breakup songs to help us feel a little better?

Song Lyrics: How Words Remind Us We Will Survive

Have you ever been so overwhelmed with feelings you just didn’t want to talk about them? Intense emotion can make you feel lost—stuck in a place where you may not know how to tame the tornado of thoughts and feelings inside of you and order them into tidy words.

The lyrics of a good breakup song can help you express thoughts and feelings often difficult to articulate otherwise. You may not even know how you feel before you hear it stated perfectly in a song. At a time when it can be difficult to organize your thoughts—let alone communicate them to others—hearing, “How can you mend a broken heart?” can suddenly give you clarity about the anguish you’ve been dealing with: it’s a broken heart! The lyrics of a song can bring unresolved, unspoken, unknown thoughts to the surface and bring you closer to understanding what is happening inside of you.

On top of realizing how you are feeling, it can be powerfully validating to hear someone express thoughts and feelings similar to yours. You learn even though you are hurting, you are not alone in an abyss of misery built only for you. You’re grieving, and that’s a human reaction to losing love. That experience doesn’t isolate you. In fact, it connects you to the people around you.

Coldplay and Carole King and Lauryn Hill can help you remember that.

References:

1. Mitchell, L. A., & MacDonald, R. A. (2006). An experimental investigation of the effects of preferred and relaxing music listening on pain perception. Journal of Music Therapy, 43(4), 295-316.
2. Mitchell, L. A., MacDonald, R. A., & Knussen, C. (2008). An investigation of the effects of music and art on pain perception. Psychology of Aesthetics, Creativity, and the Arts, 2(3), 162-170.
3. Salimpoor, V. N., Benovoy, M., Larcher, K., Dagher, A., & Zatorre, R. J. (2011). Anatomically distinct dopamine release during anticipation and experience of peak emotion to music. Nature Neuroscience, 14, 257-262. doi:10.1038/nn.2726

Death is a subject that is generally off-limits in our society. We spend much of our time denying its existence and its inexorable approach, even though we all realize that we will die “some day.” For the most part, however, we try to convince ourselves that the day is far away and we operate from the premise that we are invincible—until the wheel of fate rolls around to show us just how vulnerable we really are.

We imagine that our loved ones will always be there for us, and often fail to take the time to let them know just how much we really care about them. This fact was recently driven home to me when a very dear friend finally lost the battle he’d been waging against cancer for the past year. Although I called and visited him regularly, I struggled with watching him age before my eyes and melt down to a frail, skeletal version of his once-healthy self. He unfortunately passed away before I really had a chance to say goodbye and tell him how much he’d meant to me.

During challenging moments such as these, we realize just how precious and fleeting our lives really are. We tend to take for granted many of the factors that contribute to our happiness, such as our health, our homes, and our families and friends. In the blink of an eye, our worlds can come crashing down as we come to realize just how weak and defenseless we are against the casualties of time.

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In addition, we frequently feel as though we cannot communicate our pain to others, as the grieving process is not truly honored in our society. After a short amount of time, we are expected to pick ourselves up and carry on with our lives as though nothing had happened. As death is such a taboo subject, others often feel awkward talking to us about our loss, which can leave us feeling cut off from our friends and acquaintances and alone with our suffering.

In other cultures around the world, they have special ceremonies and rituals designed to celebrate the ancestors who have gone before them. They keep them alive in their hearts and souls by dedicating holidays to remember them by. They share stories about the loved ones they have lost, honoring their lives and rejoicing in their passing on to a higher plane. These rituals can be of genuine help in assisting the families and individuals left behind to come to terms with death.

When a loved one dies, we mourn the loss of his or her companionship and presence in our lives, and feel bereft by the void that is left behind. We often regret not having shared with them our deepest feelings or having allowed ourselves to be more open and vulnerable with them. In some cases, we may also be left with unresolved issues if we have not come to terms with our underlying emotions, such as anger or resentment, toward the person who died.

These feelings can continue to haunt us long after the individual’s death, making it difficult in some cases to get on with our lives. This was the case for one of the persons I worked with, a person who harbored considerable hatred toward his father for the abuse that he had suffered at his hands. He grew up feeling unwanted and unlovable and thought that he was somehow to blame for his father’s abusive nature. He was consumed by bitterness for many years after his father’s death, which prevented him from being able to enjoy his life despite having a loving wife and a beautiful home.

His inner world was an ongoing nightmare until he started to gain a new perspective during the therapeutic process by realizing that he had not been to blame for his father’s abusive nature and that he had ended up internalizing many of the same dynamics himself. He came to see that his father probably had his own inner demons to contend with and had unfortunately just been repeating the cycle that likely had been going on for generations in his family.

As his compassion grew, he started to open up his heart to forgiveness. This played a huge role in his ability to heal and let go of the hatred that he had held onto for so long. Paying a visit to his father’s grave was the final ritual that allowed him to let go of his past and to start to move forward again in his life, with a newfound sense of compassion for his own human imperfections as well as those of his father.

Although we have not all grown up in abusive environments, we can all relate to this story on some level, as we have a tendency to carry some anger and hatred toward others regarding unresolved past wounds. These feelings of bitterness prevent us from being able to fully inhabit the present moment, as we ruminate on the pain that we’ve experienced and continually perpetuate our suffering. However, we can never find peace or joy in our lives as long as we are holding onto grudges for past wrongdoings. The resentment we feel ultimately hurts us much more than the person who initially caused us harm. And if the individual we hold a grudge against has died, this can compound our problem, as we tend to internalize this anger, thereby hurting ourselves even more.

Our psychological health therefore depends on our ability to forgive others. But we also have an even greater need to forgive ourselves for our own past transgressions and learn from them the lessons that we were intended to learn in order to move beyond them. Constantly beating ourselves up for something we have done in the past will not change what happened, but it will affect our ability to be happy and to truly love and accept ourselves now.

We are all human beings with imperfections and failings that we can learn from. As we open our hearts and begin to forgive and accept the aspects of ourselves that we have previously judged and rejected, we become more compassionate and loving toward ourselves as well as others. We learn to truly live our lives fully, rather than just surviving or waiting for a misfortune to hit us. We experience grief and pain, but we also become able to love with all our hearts. We start to drink deeply from the well of compassion that nourishes all who draw near and connects us on a deep level—the level of our own humanity.

Although grief is a part of life, it can be one of the hardest parts of life, and one of the most difficult to understand. At the end of the day, grief is a very lonely journey. People who are ensconced in the process of grieving often say they feel like they’re alone, like they’re going crazy, like the rest of the world is buzzing around them while they’re trapped in a bubble, and like they’ve lost themselves and wonder when they’ll be “normal” again. It’s a process that is very internal and confusing, and it can be difficult to feel a sense of connection in the world.

To be in an intimate relationship with someone who is in this space can feel just as lonely and confusing. You want to be there for your partner, but don’t know what he or she needs or wants. You want the person to feel better. You want the person to be him/herself again. You want the person to be able to support you on those days when your life feels hard. Or maybe, very simply, you just want that smile or playfulness back that used to be so fun.

When a person is grieving, his or her capacity for giving to a relationship is far less than normal. He or she is consumed with comprehending the loss experienced, and with coping with the multitude of feelings that accompany grief. In many cases, a person experiences depression alongside the grief, which can feel like another barrier to relating with him or her.

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I’ve seen many couples, of all lengths of relationships, struggle through these issues and wonder how their relationship can survive such a raw and inevitably difficult time in life. It would seem that the longer a couple has been together, the greater the ability of both people to stick through the hard times with each other, possibly because they have made a commitment to each other, or because there is more trust developed in the relationship. But what I’ve witnessed is the success of many of these couples, regardless of how long they have been together, as they have moved toward each other, rather than away from each other, during this hard time. If two people believe in their relationship AND feel that they can get their needs for connection met AND there is patience available in the partnership, the outcome is usually positive. How long they’ve been together is less of an influence if these pieces are present.

1. Get some of your needs met outside of your relationship. The simple truth is that your partner can’t be there as much as he or she could before the loss because the person is busy experiencing so many feelings and reactions to that loss. You may feel upset or angry that this is the case. If you do, talk with someone about it. If you’re judging yourself for feeling this way, talk with someone about that as well. And amid all of it, understand that your partner just can’t be there as much right now, and it’s OK for you to seek friendship and social connection with your friends or social spheres more regularly. You are experiencing something fundamentally different than your partner, and you cannot expect yourself or your partner to be in a different place.
2. Have patience. Your partner will return. The grief will integrate into his or her life and psyche, and be less of an overwhelming force that shrouds each day. Grief doesn’t ever go away; however, it does subside, and your partner’s “normal” personality will come back, albeit with more of a personal understanding of what life means to them. This is an opportunity for you to connect with the person in a very deep way. The things your partner will come through this experience with are incredibly important and will offer you not only a perspective on how grief feels, but also a perspective on your partner’s unique way of finding meaning in life. This could be an amazing source of connection for you both as you gain understanding about this deep and sacred aspect of your partner’s psyche.
3. Understand your own grief. Grief can beget grief. Seeing someone we love grieve often reminds us of our own grief, and can remind us in very visceral ways what it was like to lose someone—or a pet. In the grand scheme of things you do not have to put your experience on hold; in fact, this would be detrimental to your relationship and to yourself. In the moment, you may have to put aside what you’re feeling in order to be fully present for your partner, but please come back to it. Give your own experience the space it needs, whether by talking with someone, journaling, making art, taking a walk, or just sitting with it. When your partner is ready, he or she may even ask you about it.
4. Let your partner feel all of his or her feelings. For those of us who take our responsibilities seriously, the experience of watching someone in discomfort or distress can trigger a cascade of our own discomfort that we often assuage by trying to say the right thing or by trying to find a solution to the “problem.” If there is one thing you remember from this article, remember that feelings are not problems. Your partner must feel the entirety of his or her experience if he or she is going to get through the grief in one piece. This means that there is nothing “right” to say, there is nothing you can do to make the person feel better, and in fact when you try to make the person feel better you’re creating a dissonance between the two of you that will just make your relationship suffer. Your partner needs you to simply hear what this is like for him or her, and to accept it. Accept your partner’s feelings as his or her truth, and accept the fact there is nothing to do about it. The act of simply listening without rushing in to change anything will offer more than you can imagine.

Much of the United States has had a long, harsh, and cold winter. While it seemed like it would never end, some of us are starting to see the light of spring.

Winter can be a perfect representation of the darkness and despair that we feel from time to time. Whether it is grief associated with death, a trauma that we had to endure, or the end of a relationship, we all have had experiences of darkness and despair that feel never-ending.

But when you have lived long enough and seen enough winters, you know that the despair and darkness do not last forever. There comes a time when the pain recedes, is not all-consuming, and you have a desire to live life again.

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The process of re-emerging into life can be challenging. When you have been wearing the cloak of sadness, grief, or depression for so long, it can feel strange to walk through the world without it. You may even experience a cultural shock, in a sense. Coming back into the world can seem different and even strange.

Just as it takes time to deal with a difficult emotion, it takes time to adjust to its leaving you. It is a process of recognizing that the pain is no longer all-consuming. There are steps you can take to help you navigate this re-emergence:

Reconnect

Reach out to your support system. Many people retreat into isolation when they are struggling with depression or grief; it is necessary to reconnect with people and activities you previously enjoyed. Rather than let the shame or embarrassment of being out of touch stop you from reconnecting, speak to it. Call a friend and acknowledge that you were out of touch. Apologize and tell him or her why it’s been so long since you called. Let the person know that his or her friendship is important to you.

Review

As you reconnect with people and activities, you will need to take time to review what you came through. Think about the grief and sadness that you experienced. Consider how you dealt with it. Ask yourself:

• How did I get through the grief? What did I do?
• Who helped me through this rough time?
• What do I need now to continue my healing?

Reviewing the depression and grief can be scary; it might feel as if you will fall right back into the despair. But the contrary is true. Reviewing your sadness allows you to see your resiliency and how you survived. It also provides an opportunity to consider options you may try in the future when facing challenges.

Rest

Finally, it is time to rest. People often wonder, “What do I need to rest for? I was just in my bed/house for two months!” Grief and sadness are exhausting. Recuperating from them is a necessary part of the healing process. Allow your body to be active as you re-engage with the world, but also let your emotions rest, as they have been on a roller coaster of sadness, darkness, and re-emergence to light.

Taking the time to process and come out of the darkness is a foundational tool that you can use throughout your lifetime. When life is challenging, as it will be, you will not only survive it but come through in a way that is healing and compassionate toward yourself.

The loss of a child—no matter the age—can be traumatic and can leave family, particularly the parents, reeling in the emotional turmoil that comes with great loss. I have noticed a few commonalities among those parents, one being that the people in their lives do not know how to react or help.

This article is for friends and family members of a parent who has lost a child. The goal is to raise awareness of common mistakes made in trying to provide support and to suggest more effective ways to support parents as they work through their grief.

“It’s time to move on! You have to get on with your life!”

This statement, and others like it, is the first common mistake well-meaning loved ones make. The intent is to help the parent to get back to life and to find meaning again. Watching someone we love go through grief and extreme suffering can be very uncomfortable. We have an innate need to want to help the people we love through life, and if one of our loved ones seems stuck, we have the urge to do everything we can to get them unstuck. However, this message unintentionally invalidates the parent, who may start to question whether there is something wrong with them for grieving for the child.

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Grief looks different in every person. Some people may need to take a leave of absence from work. They may need to lay on the couch all day and allow themselves to ride the roller coaster that is grief, which usually consists of bouts of crying, depression, anger, numbness, confusion, and inward questioning as to how the person could have prevented the loss, followed by perhaps more anger, depression, and numbness. The parent may feel distant from loved ones, which often makes loved ones concerned and anxious and can lead to statements similar to the one above.

There is no time limit on how long it takes a person to grieve the loss of a child. In fact, it is important to acknowledge that huge losses will make an impact on a person’s life forever. This does not mean there is no life after loss. It just means that it will look different.

Giving the person as much time as they need to grieve, and allowing them to grieve in their own way, is very important. Doing so creates safety for the parent and assurance they can do what is needed to do to work through emotions with support and understanding. Saying something like, “It’s OK that you are feeling the way you are … you have experienced a major loss and I want you to know that I am here to listen … take as long as you need,” is a much better way to communicate to the person that you want to help him or her through the grieving process.

“Why are you having those thoughts? They are completely irrational, and of course you couldn’t have done anything to prevent this!”

When someone becomes a parent, they are forever changed. It is like a switch goes off in the brain. All of a sudden, priorities shift, and keeping one’s child safe and happy is a top priority. So when someone experiences a loss of a child, it is natural to start questioning inwardly and wondering what they could have done to keep the child safe.

Even in situations where it is blatantly obvious there was nothing the parent could have done, there is still that wondering. In my experience, parents are cognitively aware of the fact they could not have done anything to prevent the loss, but emotionally they still feel that they failed. Loved ones often want to jump in and challenge these thoughts in an effort to reassure the parent that this is not true. This may be necessary at some point, but how you do this is extremely important.

When you fail to validate the parent’s feelings by failing to simply listen without trying to fix it, a barrier for communication may be created. Part of healing and moving forward through grief is being able to share what the parent is thinking, no matter how extreme those thoughts may sound. Failing to validate feelings can hinder the healing process.

Instead of jumping right to trying to correct a belief that you feel is irrational, validate that having such thoughts is completely normal for a parent who has lost a child. Listen to the person and practice reflective listening skills (example: “I hear you saying that you feel responsible for this”). Make validating statements such as, “I hear you saying you are hurting. I know this is very painful for you, which is completely understandable.” This can help the person realize that you are trying to understand where they are coming from.

Sometimes even irrational beliefs need to be validated. Sometimes more intensive work has to take place. If the latter is true, it is important to help the person to get to a therapist who can help.

“Everything happens for a reason. They’re in a better place.”

This may be part of your spiritual belief system or even the parent’s belief system, but this statement often backfires. Trying to provide an explanation for the loss of a child can lead to the parent feeling as though their anger (or other intense emotion connected with the loss) is invalid. It is important that the parent is allowed to process the loss and can identify meaning, if any, in their own time.

If the parent wants to have a conversation about meaning and the loss, by all means, have that conversation! But let the person decide if that is a conversation they want and are ready to have. Be aware that people feel a lot of things with such a significant loss, and all feelings and thoughts that come up are valid.

Remember, you shouldn’t try to “fix” the pain that accompanies grieving. Something along these lines is a good place to start: “I can’t imagine what you are going through. This must be so difficult. I am here for you and would like to offer my support during this difficult time. I can offer you a listening ear without judgment or advice.”

A support network is an important part of the healing process after the loss of a child. Knowing how you can be there for the parent can make a huge difference in how that person grieves and begins to work toward healing. Seeking assistance from a professional to help guide you through supporting your loved one can be extremely helpful and can help address the discomfort that often accompanies seeing someone you love suffer.

Your anguish is palpable in your writing. It is also totally understandable; losing a partner after 21 years of marriage is utterly devastating. I don’t think anyone can ever really be prepared for such a loss. It is just too much to try to wrap your head around until it happens. Even then, it can feel almost unreal.

You commented that all you have done is sleep and cry since your husband’s passing, but you followed this up by saying, “at least, that is how it seems.” In reading your follow-up comment, I wondered if, as you were writing this, you realized that you actually have engaged in some other activities in the months since your husband’s death. If this is true, it might be useful to take a look at what those things are and consider what has felt best. Try to do more of those things when you feel up to it. If and when you do have lighter moments, it is possible (though certainly not guaranteed) that you may feel some guilt. This is not uncommon among surviving spouses. It can feel unfair that you are still able to be in this world having positive experiences while your partner is gone. Sometimes, people even feel like their grief serves as a connection to their lost loved ones, and they cling to it as a means of remaining connected.

The loss of loved one is a universal experience, but everyone’s grieving process is unique and there is not a one-size-fits-all approach. That said, many people find bereavement groups to be very healing experiences. Bereavement groups can foster a sense of connection because they allow you to see that other people are living with the same kind of loss that you are. They can instill hope. You may come to see that if the people in your group can make it through their losses, so can you. Group therapy can also be a forum for brainstorming coping techniques as members share some of the ways they have been able to move toward healing.

If a group feels overwhelming, or if you have trouble accessing a bereavement group, consider your own personal grief counseling with a therapist who specializes in this area. Right now you are very understandably suffering, but you do not have to suffer forever, and you do not have to do it alone. You can heal from this, and I wish you all the best in your process.

Kind regards,
Sarah

We are familiar with the grief associated with death. Denial, anger, and acceptance are part of the grieving process as it pertains to death. But what about grief that is unconnected to death? What about the loss and grief that occurs with expected and even happy events?

A few years ago, at a friend’s wedding, I was surprised to find her mother sobbing in the restroom. She was happy for her daughter and liked her son-in-law, but she was pained by the loss of her daughter. She was grieving the transition of her relationship with her daughter, who was no longer fully hers. Her daughter’s primary relationship was now the one she shared with her new husband. While her mother did celebrate and have joy for her daughter, she also had sorrow and grief for her own loss and transition. But she had no place to put her grief.

Marriage and partnerships, moving, new jobs, and graduations are often joyous occasions that we readily share and celebrate with others. We have traditions associated with these transitions in life. There are weddings and housewarming parties and happy hours organized to commemorate these events. But there aren’t any traditions or processes to acknowledge and assist with the natural grief and loss that comes along with these occasions and transitions.

As it does following the death of a loved one, grief during joyous occasions impacts all aspects of your life and of you. As a society, we have great traditions and markers of change, but we do not have ways to encourage and support people after the actual transition. What happens after the wedding ceremony or six months into the new job? What do you do with your sadness and grief about what you have lost even while you are happy or satisfied with what you have?

First, acknowledge the complexity of the situation. Identify the bittersweet emotions of enjoying your new job while simultaneously missing your old one. Grief is not solely comprised of pain. For example, even during the most tragic deaths there can be moments of joy and laughter during the funeral service. This speaks to the varied emotions associated with grief, the mix of pain with moments of pleasures.

Also, remember that grief is fluid and changes with time. The way you feel at the beginning point of change is different than in the following month, in six months, or years later. Your feelings of sadness, pain, fear, and loss transform and become less gripping and more integrated into you and your life. The grief and feelings of loss can recede over time.

One of the ways people get stuck in their grief—meaning it is unchanged and unmoving—is when they have no place to express it. Silent grief makes the process of grieving much worse. Being able to talk about the grief not only eases the pain but moves the process forward. Talking about and sharing the grief makes it possible to be sad but not stagnant.

Whenever you are in the midst of change and transition, consider what you are losing as well as what you are gaining. This is not to focus on the unpleasant or negative aspects of change, but rather to be more prepared when the inevitable feelings of loss and grief rise for you.

How do you navigate the intersection and bitter sweetness of joy and grief? How do you celebrate the newness while also recognizing and honoring what passed?

Palliative care is designed to provide comfort and peace to individuals facing terminal illness and end-of-life transitions. Caregivers who watch over someone in palliative care often get to spend precious moments with their loved ones in ways that would not be possible in a hospital or nursing setting. Individuals who are dying can benefit from palliative care by having those closest to them with them during their last days allowing for final wishes to be expressed and sentiments to be shared.

When death is sudden and tragic, as with an accident or unexpected illness, caregivers can experience shock and traumatic responses. Prolonged grief (PGD), also known as complicated grief, can occur when symptoms of grief are exacerbated and persist over lengthy periods of time. Experiences such as reliving the death event; being reminded of the death through mental, visual, or auditory stimuli; and even experiencing intrusive thoughts are all symptoms of posttraumatic stress (PTSD), which is not uncommon among bereaved parents and survivors of disasters or abuse.

But until now, few studies have examined whether or not caregivers of individuals who die expectedly are at risk for PTSD. To explore this issue, Christine Sanderson of Cavalry Health Care Sydney in Australia recently interviewed 32 caregivers grieving the loss of a patient who died from ovarian cancer six months prior.

The caregivers’ responses were assessed for signs of grief, emotional reactions to stimuli, language, and trauma response. For the most part, Sanderson found that the caregivers had high levels of resiliency, although some exhibited symptoms of PGD and PTSD. Specifically, trauma symptoms included strong reactions to sounds, smells, and sights that caregivers remembered from the palliative setting and also intrusive thoughts related to the death and the predeath period.

Sanderson believes that palliative care can be a cathartic experience for some, providing time for a dying person to be with family in the last days of their lives. But for some caregivers and loved ones, watching the death of someone close to them, while making no attempt to stop it, can be excruciating and lead to shock and extreme emotional distress.

Because caregivers are at increased risk for negative physical and mental health outcomes when compared to those who are not caregivers, exploration of resiliency or susceptibility after a patient’s death is essential. Sanderson added, “Skillful care of caregivers requires an understanding of the nature of their experiences, if we are to reduce traumatisation of vulnerable individuals.”

Reference:
Sanderson, Christine, et al. (2013). Signs of post-traumatic stress disorder in caregivers following an expected death: A qualitative study. Palliative Medicine 27.7 (2013): 625-31. ProQuest. Web.

There are many parallels between living with a disability and dealing with an uninvited house guest. If you have ever had an uninvited house guest, I am sure you remember moments when things may have been uncertain and, at times, tense or uncomfortable. At the very least, having an uninvited guest requires some adjustments, much like living with a disability.

An uninvited guest may arrive unannounced, leaving no time to plan or prepare. Likewise, in many cases people living with disability have little or no time to plan for the many changes to come. While there may have been no way to prevent the disability and requisite life changes, having time to prepare—psychologically and literally—can make a huge difference in a person’s ability to adapt and cope.

A period of psychological adjustment is required for a person who has a disability, his or her spouse/partner, parents, and other family members. The adjustment process people frequently talk about resembles the grief process in many ways. Like the grief process, people often experience feelings in what seem to be stages. Similar to the grief process, this adaptation process usually begins with a period of denial.

Denial
In my work with couples and families living with multiple sclerosis, I often hear concerns that one person seems to be “stuck in denial.” To people who have moved through the initial denial stage, it may seem as if their loved one is not progressing as quickly as others. The truth is, different people work through this period of adjustment differently, and it takes as long as it takes. The denial stage usually happens at the time of diagnosis or disability, and may come up again at other times. For example, in a progressive illness, if one begins to lose mobility or other limitations arise, the initial stage of the adjustment process may be triggered again.

It may seem clear to a caregiver/partner or family member who has been helping someone walk even short distances that a mobility device is needed (cane, walker, scooter). For the person who is having mobility difficulty, admitting that it is time to talk to a doctor about a mobility device may affect his or her identity, hope for recovery, or future progress. If so, working through the denial and bargaining, and then later stages of adaptation, may be necessary. It is not unusual to see all members of the family triggered by new developments that start the process over.

Denial is believed to be a protective measure that prevents us from becoming emotionally overwhelmed. Denial slows down the process of coping with traumatic events, giving us more time to psychologically prepare ourselves for the onslaught of feelings. The process of denial, known as a defense mechanism, should not be rushed or sabotaged by well-meaning loved ones who are at a different place in the adaptation process. Doing so can cause the person who needs more time to become emotionally overwhelmed without the necessary skills to cope effectively.

Coping skills: A person with disability and his or her family members should try to be empathetic and understand things from the perspective of others. Be honest, but gentle, about your perceptions. Choose the time to discuss these issues carefully—not when either of you are tired, frustrated, or angry. Always talk to your loved one(s) before bringing up concerns with doctors or other professionals.  Caregivers and family members should keep in mind that their needs are important, too. Take care of yourself and make sure you have plenty of support. When children are involved, be very careful what and how you share information with them. Children need to hear things based on what is appropriate for their age and stage of development. Ask for guidance from a professional if you are unsure how much to tell children or how to talk to them about disability.

Bargaining
The stage that usually follows denial is bargaining. During this time, people often are looking for second opinions, alternative therapies, and other remedies. It can also be a time when we promise the gods that we will turn our lives around if given a second chance without the disability or diagnosis.

It is true that finding the best medical providers, keeping a positive outlook, and staying informed of new research and possibilities is important. However, this can also be a time when people are vulnerable to scams and false promises. Unfortunately, there are a lot of companies and people who offer products and services that guarantee outcomes without doing the necessary research required to back up those assurances.

It is a good idea to check out any new or experimental treatments carefully before trying them—particularly if there is a large commitment of money, resources, or time involved. Check with local and national nonprofit organizations that provide services to people with your specific issue or health challenge. Agencies such as the National MS Society, American Cancer Society, and others often have information about ancillary and alternative therapies. They may be able to send you information or answer your questions.

Coping skills: Make decisions together based on facts. Find local and national organizations that you trust to support you and provide well-researched information. Be sure that any second opinions or ancillary providers have access to all the information you have from other providers. In some cases, taking medications or treatment without being fully aware of how they interact with your other treatment can be life-threatening. Make a commitment to fully investigate any new or experimental treatments before deciding to try it. Ask for and check references when appropriate. Verify the credentials of all providers before visiting them. At some point, you may have to accept a new reality that you had not planned for and do not welcome. If you have prolonged difficulty coping with the diagnosis or prognosis, find support from a professional or support group to help you with the transition.

Over the next few months, I will explore additional aspects of disability, how it affects the lives and relationships of the people involved, and ways of coping with these situations. If you have ideas to share about how you have effectively coped with any of the situations presented, please join the discussion by leaving comments below. Likewise, if you have questions, feel free to ask for input from others who read the blog.

We all experience losses, big and little, throughout our lives. When enduring a big loss, people fall into patterns that may be considered masculine or feminine ways of reacting.

Men and women tend to process their losses differently, but the way they grieve is affected by many other factors besides gender, such as culture, personality, and temperament. Grief and loss are experienced in unique ways by each individual.

A generalization about gender differences in grieving would be that men tend to focus on feelings of guilt and anger. They are likely to spend more time thinking than feeling. They also tend to act independently rather than rely on others.

Women typically need more support and are expressive with their emotions, which is behavior we tend to associate with grief and loss. However, there is no cookie cutter approach to mourning. In recent years, experts like Kenneth Doka, PhD, have recategorized these types as intuitive and instrumental grief.

Intuitive grief can be associated with our generalizations of the way that women grieve, which includes the following:

• Strong, affective reactions (waves of powerful emotions)
• Expressions that mirror feelings (more like an open book)

Moving forward involves exploring and expressing feelings, progressing through the pain in order to heal.

Instrumental grief can be associated with the masculine way of grieving, which includes the following:

• More thinking than feeling (an inward, quiet process, less expression of emotions)
• Being physical, expressing grief through doing something (I could not fix my son, but
  I can fix this broken fence)

So how do you help someone who doesn’t want to talk or ask for help?

• Use logical analysis—figuring out problems by breaking them down into manageable steps (to be less overwhelming)
• Gather information—on new roles (in your household, family, work, etc), supports, faith, to do lists, etc., in order to start implementing
• Use humor—It has much of the same release as crying does, and it’s still okay to laugh
• Provide diversions/distractions—list all supports and assign them to categories
  • Good doers (who could take care of the pet, get the paper, etc.)
  • Good listeners
  • Good respite (who could take a break from the grief and will not ask you about your loss)

Instrumental grievers would benefit more from groups that focus on a how-to (like being a single parent), adventure based, informal or educational, than a traditional support group.

Like any other model for grief, there are several tools you can use with variations for each person. There are always ways to help. You can start by figuring out which support is needed and offer it. And if you need help, ask for what you need. Just know that there is never a wrong way to grieve.