Feeling homesick or anxious is normal when children are away from home, and these feelings do not mean that something is wrong with your child. Children of all ages can get homesick, but younger children and children who have never been away from home tend to be more prone to homesickness. Children may also be more likely to experience homesickness if they are going through a transition in their lives, have family instability, have trouble with emotional regulation, or have been diagnosed with depression or chronic anxiety.

If you are concerned that your child will be homesick or anxious while away, avoid the urge to warn him or her that it may be difficult. Empathize with and listen to any fears, and tell your child that you will help him or her strategize. Avoid bargaining, cajoling, or bribing. Instead, offer support and help your child gain insight into his or her processes. One way to do that is to talk about how the human brain works. If your child’s brain receives a message that something seems wrong or unknown (like the unfamiliar surroundings of camp), the brain responds in ways to keep the body safe. This can help your child to understand that anxiety and homesickness are how his or her brain is communicating that he/she is in unfamiliar territory. [fat_widget_child_counselor_right] You can further help your child minimize these feelings with proper preparation and by teaching him/her healthy coping tools. When your child understands the underlying messages of homesickness and anxiety, has a toolbox of positive coping skills at hand, and is aware of the importance of paying attention to his or her feelings, the child will be well-prepared to enjoy time in new environments. Here are seven specific tools to help a child counter homesickness and anxiety:

1. Plan Ahead

A little preparation can go a long way. Give enough notice of an upcoming trip or departure for your child to adjust to the idea, but not so much notice that there’s too much time to fret. Just how far ahead you announce the trip should depend on your child’s developmental stage and the length of stay away from home. It can be beneficial to hang a wall calendar in a common room. Mark the calendar with the date of departure as well as fun or interesting events that highlight the time away, and occasionally remind your child about these, increasing as the time approaches. This will give your child something to look forward to, which can help ease the transition. Of course, prior warning is not always possible and plans can change unexpectedly, but allowing your child time to adjust to the idea of staying away from home can be helpful.

2. Practice Self-Care

Another way to help prepare your child for being away is by having him or her learn and practice self-care skills ahead of time. Self-care skills include life-skill basics such as brushing teeth or changing underwear. However, they also include ways to calm, relax, and soothe, such as taking deep, slow breaths, picturing a relaxing scene, or imagining upcoming fun activities and experiences. Calming techniques take practice, and are best learned and practiced at least a few weeks prior to a departure date.

Effective self-care also includes keeping up healthy habits while away from home. Eating well and adequate rest have several benefits. Your child is less likely to enjoy his or her time away if he/she is running low on steam. When a child has insufficient rest or fluctuating blood sugar, internal resources are utilized elsewhere and coping skills become less available. Encourage your child to stay in tip-top shape by making healthy food choices and maintaining regular sleep hours. (If you have a younger child, the responsibility of maintaining healthy habits would of course lie with the caretaker.)

3. Offer Encouragement

Prior to the departure date, discuss the fun things planned for your child while he or she is away from home. Offer your child encouragement about the positive experiences and the new friends they might make. Encouragement would include the typical, “You can do it!” and, “These are the fun things you will get to do,” as well as reminders of heathy skills, such as, “You know just how to breathe deeply and slowly so your body relaxes.”

4. Positive Self-Talk

Support and encouragement are important, but in the long run, utilizing positive self-talk can be even more powerful. Positive self-talk is encouraging yourself by talking to yourself out loud or in your head. An example of positive self-talk is saying, “I am safe, and even though I am someplace different than usual, it is a good place and someplace where I can have fun.” As simple as positive self-talk is, it takes a lot of practice to be effective. In other words, saying something positive to yourself once or twice does not usually suffice. Teach your child to encourage or reassure himself/herself many times throughout the day, especially during transitional times, such as upon rising or before bed. When most children are missing home they are missing their typical framework of sensory cues and the patterns they are used to.

5. Talk It Out

Talk with your child about his or her particular concerns about being away from home. Building your child’s feeling-words vocabulary can help. When he or she uses words that more accurately express his/her emotions about leaving, he/she will more likely feel understood, and it can then be easier to explore potential strategies together. Help your child to identify who he or she might choose to talk with if he/she feels the need while away. This may be a close friend, sibling, camp counselor, grandparent, or other relative.

6. Bring Along an Element of Home

Bringing along a sense of home in the form of sensory cues (visual, scent, or sound) can help make an environment feel more familiar. Have your child pack a reminder of home, such as a favorite stuffed animal or pillow, a spritz of mom’s perfume on a hankie, a family photo, or favorite music. Also, sending something small along for your child to decorate his or her sleeping area with can help make it feel more personalized, thereby increasing a sense of safety and familiarity.

7. Stay in Touch (Sort Of)

Anxiety and homesickness in children sometimes stem from a fear of being forgotten while away. Even though frequent phone calls may not be possible during your child’s trip, you can still let your child know that you will not forget about him or her while you are separated. Regularly scheduled contact may help alleviate anxiety, such as phoning to say goodnight, if possible.

However, unscheduled phone calls may increase stress. When a child is at camp, written communication may be best. Whether your child is at camp or spending time with relatives, encourage him or her to write you a note or draw you a picture (or two) for hand delivery when you reunite, and make a point to read and respond after you are reunited. Note: If anxiety worsens or does not subside after utilizing the coping tools above, your child may need the support of a licensed, qualified counselor.

As the new year rolls on, I keep thinking about the idea of radical change. My first idea has to do with losing my temper with my kids. Here’s a radical thought: What if I just stopped?

The reason I blow up is because I think it will have the effect I’m looking for. I think the kids will realize I mean business and stop doing whatever they’re doing that’s bugging me. They will—and they should—take me seriously and be frightened into submission, because sometimes kids just need to follow their parents’ rules without backtalk or questioning. And that idea isn’t inherently wrong.

Except that it doesn’t work.

The way I remember it, when my dad yelled, my sisters and I hopped to it. His word was law, we respected it, and if he was mad, we feared him and obeyed. But my kids don’t respond that way. As soon as I get mad, they turn angry, fearful, and hurt. They either yell back and throw stuff, do what I’m asking them to do while sobbing theatrically, or run to their room and slam the door.

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Maybe I’m misremembering my childhood and it’s not true (although it seems that most of my peers agree) that kids used to blindly respect their parents. Or maybe we parent so differently today that we can’t expect—nor do we want—our kids to fear us. Perhaps it’s just me and I’ve spoiled my kids, who wouldn’t know obedience if it was an app on their i-gadgets. But whatever the case, losing my temper isn’t cutting it for me. And a lot of the time, my kids don’t really deserve my anger. They aren’t snorting coke or burning the house down, actions that warrant rage. They’re just being lazy, not listening well, or misbehaving—actions that call for consistent, clear rules and discipline rather than inchoate fury.

So, what if I stopped?

If the value I want to teach my kids is that my husband and I have rules that are there to keep them safe and healthy, and there are times when they need to follow our rules respectfully, then what’s the best way to teach that value? Is it by me acting out of control and nasty? Or is there a better way? Well, sure. Pretty much every parenting book out there will tell you that the best practice is to set rules, communicate them clearly, and have reasonable consequences for failing to comply. Research shows over and over that anger and putdowns (“What is wrong with you?” “Can’t you ever listen?” “You little brat!”) make our kids feel low self-esteem and therefore more likely to act out, or make them rebellious against us and therefore more likely to act out.

The next time I feel like yelling, instead I’m going to take a deep breath, walk away if necessary, regroup, and then state what I want to happen. I might even ask my daughter what she wants in the circumstance. For instance, my oldest has trouble turning off the TV. Sometimes, to be honest, I get lax on the TV-watching rules and let her go on too long, and by the time I’m ready for her to stop watching, she’s in full TV-junkie phase, watching glassy-eyed and seemingly unable to tear herself away. If, instead of demanding in increasingly loud tones that she step away from the remote, I can catch her attention and get her involved in the process, it works better. “I’d like you to get off the TV now and I know that’s hard for you. How should we handle it?” She generally answers with something unreasonable—“Let me watch until the end of this movie”—but at least then I can counter with another idea and we can meet in the middle. I usually get close to what I want, while at the same time she feels more respected and more involved in the decision.

I have to admit, it’s hard for me to imagine declaring that I’ll never blow up and following through on it. It feels, well, radical. We want to be able to be the final word in our own homes. We want to be able to lose it sometimes. To a certain extent, we want to be feared. And it’s OK to not always be that perfect, reasonable, calm-headed person the parenting books describe. Instead of shooting for perfection, I’m just going to commit to giving this new, no-explosions regime a shot. It seems like it’s going to feel good for everyone. And I’ll report back as to whether my house declines into anarchy, or whether the most recent parenting intelligence turns out to be true—that clarity and collaboration produce kids who (mostly) listen, are (often) respectful, and (usually) feel good about themselves.

“Happy birthday!”

Colorful balloons are carefully tied to the picnic table as giggling 8-year-olds play hide-and-seek in the backyard. The pink and white frosted cake is about to be cut, but the birthday girl isn’t in sight. Her mom eventually finds her quietly playing alone in her room and gently asks, “What’s going on?”

Normally outgoing, the girl, adopted at birth, had been excited in the days leading to her celebration, helping with the plans and decorating invitations. Today, however, she awoke visibly upset and announced to her parents, “I don’t want a birthday party anymore!”

A member of a group I facilitate for adopted teens explains, “My birthday is an extremely hard day for me. It’s really bad. I feel sad and angry and just bad.”

“Me too!” another teen chimes in. “I’ve never liked my birthday, and Mother’s Day is sometimes hard, too.”

It’s not uncommon for adopted children, teens, and even adults to have conflicting feelings about birthdays and other dates of note. Small children may not even understand why and may need the adults in their lives to help put words to their complex feelings.

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Birthdays are often the day infants are separated from their biological mothers. This separation, an undeniably traumatic event, is stored in the brain and body as an implicit memory because the separation takes place before language develops. The memory becomes embodied and can later be triggered without conscious knowledge.

Mother’s Day can be difficult because while one mother is celebrated, the other may not be mentioned. Other holidays may be challenging as an adopted person thinks about his or her biological family. A 16-year-old adoptee shares, “I think about my [biological mom] a lot during Christmas. I hope she’s doing OK and celebrating. I wonder what her traditions are and I wonder if she’s thinking about me? I miss her even though I don’t know her.”

Difficulty navigating holidays and birthdays may be compounded for children and teens who have been in multiple placements or foster homes before they were adopted. Each year may mark a different memory and an additional loss.

Adoptive parents should be sensitive to their child’s experience and remember that their child’s history began before they became a family. This is also true for children adopted at birth or in early infancy. They, too, had a history prior to being adopted.

Parents can help put language to the felt experience for their child. They can empathically respond to a child who is visibly struggling by reminding themselves that their child is likely experiencing implicit feelings. They can make the implicit explicit by expressing curiosity and naming the feelings, which may include sadness, anger, and grief and loss. Parents might say something like, “Your birthday is the day you were born, and I wonder if part of you remembers this is also the day your birthmother made the difficult decision to have someone else raise you?”

On Mother’s Day and other holidays, parents can “say” what is not being said by celebrating and acknowledging their child’s birth mom and genetic relatives. They can ask their child about what they are experiencing and validate any and all feelings. Families might decide together to incorporate customs, traditions, and special foods of a child’s country of origin into their existing traditions. If the adoption is an open one, parents can make contact with their child’s biological family.

It’s OK for parents to give themselves permission to get creative and think outside the box. Most importantly, parents should strive to see the world from their child’s point of view and imagine how difficult it may be for the child to integrate the inherent split adoption creates. Adopted children and teens want and need their parents to be their advocates at birthdays, holidays, and every day, and to lead the conversations until they feel comfortable doing so.

What does a counselor say to a teen who just found out his or her best friend has died an unexpected death? I recently found myself facing that very challenge. I found myself asking, “What can I do or say to fill the space?”

Sometimes, there simply are no words. While adults often have strong opinions about what grief should look like, such as talking about feelings, teens often don’t want to talk and just want to be with their feelings. An important lesson I learned is that when a teen is grieving, he/she needs to be given the same respect, trust, and space that adults receive when they are grieving in order to process feelings in his/her own way. Initially, teens often don’t want to answer questions, do art therapy, journal about their feelings, etc.

As I sat with a teen in my office, wondering if I should implement the strategies stated above, I could almost hear the words, “Just let me have my feelings!” I began to realize that I was the one uncomfortable with the silence and with “just being there” as the teen tried to absorb and process an event that forever changed the teen’s life. This is not to say that, at some point, opportunities for the teen to express grief won’t be helpful and therapeutic; however, the process needs to happen on the teen’s timeline, not mine.

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There is no “right” way for teens to mourn the loss of a friend. I believe teens get through the mourning process in a more effective way if the adults in their lives walk that journey with them without trying to determine and/or tell them what they need and/or where they should be in the grieving process. Teens need to understand that they are in a grieving process and allow themselves to feel their feelings, which can be very scary. Initially, teens may resist allowing themselves to feel anger, sadness, confusion, the need for answers, and regret. They need to be given permission to “meet themselves where they are” and to understand that it is normal for their emotions to change frequently. At some point, opportunities for teens to express their grief through art, writing, talking, etc., will be helpful and therapeutic.

What is the best way for parents to “walk the journey” with a teen who has lost a friend to death? While each situation is different and individualized, parents can take the role of listener and learner and allow the teen to be the teacher. Parents need to follow their teen’s lead. Another way parents can walk beside their teen without being intrusive is by providing the support of outside resources that the teen can access as he/she feels the need to or when he/she feels ready to, before the teen has an opportunity to get stuck in the grief process.

Parents need to be mindful of their own grief issues, as they will influence the way they relate to their teen. Parents often fear that their teen will become suicidal or stuck in their grief and believe they need to monitor the teen at all times. While this belief comes from a spirit of caring, sometimes a teen will feel smothered and become resentful if the teen perceives that he/she doesn’t have the opportunity to grieve in his/her own way. While parents and other family members and friends should be nearby and available, a teen may need the opportunity to perceive that he/she has enough space to sob, yell, or scream without the fear that anyone can hear. Parents need to be careful of directing their teen’s grief process as opposed to being a companion and support.

While teens should not be judged for the way they grieve, clearly there are constructive behaviors as well as destructive behaviors teens may engage in while mourning. Behaviors that are considered constructive are those that encourage teens to face their grief, such as talking with trusted family members or friends and expressing emotion (along with creating art, journaling, etc.). Behaviors that are considered destructive are those that allow teens to “numb” their feelings, such as drugs, alcohol, reckless sexual behavior, antisocial behavior, academic problems, etc.

Grief is not something that ends. Without the intention of being offensive, many often say, “You need to move on,” but grief is not something one gets over. It is something that changes over time and is eventually accepted.

Children with attention-deficit hyperactivity (ADHD) often experience intense emotions, behavioral challenges, and low self-esteem. As a result of these experiences, children with this diagnosis may find it difficult to express their emotions and to develop the capabilities needed to control their behavior. In the short term, these issues can make it difficult for the child to have positive experiences that reinforce a sense of self-esteem and self-efficacy. Over the long term, this can have significant implications for their well-being, success, and motivation.

While standard approaches to therapy including medication and behavioral supports are integral to improving outcomes, alternative interventions such as art therapy have proven to be highly effective for addressing some of the innate challenges encountered by children with ADHD. Alternative therapies for ADHD are often overlooked by parents and educators, but there is a wealth of emerging research suggesting that these tools can be instrumental in helping children address some of the core challenges they face every day. For this reason, parents, educators, and counselors should be open to the possibility of using alternative therapies to support the needs of children with this diagnosis.

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One of the most notable alternative therapies available for the treatment of ADHD is art therapy. Art therapy works in a number of different ways to lessen the impact of many of the negative consequences of ADHD. For instance, art therapy, which utilizes a number of different approaches for nonverbal creative expression, can help children with ADHD channel their intense emotions without engaging in verbal outbursts. This nonverbal form of expression provides an outlet for the child, which can quell behavioral difficulties. As the behavior of the child improves, the child may experience more positive feedback from educators, counselors, and parents. Over time, this may have a significant effect on the child’s self-esteem. As the child gains confidence, his or her behavior will improve dramatically, further reinforcing positive outcomes in all areas of development.

Art therapy has also been shown to increase attention span for children with ADHD by providing a source of focus. Art is a natural part of play in children’s development, and often children with ADHD are able to select art projects that interest them. With an art project of their choice, children with ADHD are given an outlet upon which to focus. Although the duration of attention to the project may increase over several sessions, the process is one that builds the capability of the child with ADHD to channel energy in a positive way that results in accomplishment. This also has an impact on the child’s self-esteem. Often children with ADHD are punished for their inability to pay attention or focus. By teaching this basic skill to children, art therapy can provide an important bridge for utilizing focus and attention skills in the classroom and at home.

Art therapy can also provide a foundation for the child to explore his or her identity. This can be a powerful process, as children with ADHD are often defined by labels and behaviors. For children with ADHD, labeling and attention to negative behaviors can make it difficult for the child to define himself or herself in a positive context. Art can connect the child to an inner identity that is positive and therapeutic. By providing this connection, the child can overcome much of the negativity that encompasses much of the child’s daily experience. In short, art can make a child feel good about himself or herself. Although it may take several sessions for children to experience this outcome, providing the foundation for this type of growth will be imperative for helping the child to achieve a better sense of self.

Even though art therapy is a helpful support for many children with ADHD, it is often not offered by schools or therapists. If you believe that your child may benefit from art therapy, you should ask about this intervention and see if educators or therapists working with your child can help. While art therapy will not replace more traditional forms of therapy provided to your child, it may be an important supplemental resource to help build vital social and behavioral skills that are difficult to teach in therapy. Having this additional support can help your child overcome some of the most common deficits associated with ADHD.

Sometimes, though, being too protective and/or rigid can backfire and the teen will rebel. The key is to create a balance between dependence and independence as the adolescent slowly transitions to adulthood, typically between the ages of 10 and 25.

While many parents underestimate their teen’s readiness for certain privileges and freedoms, most teens overestimate their readiness to take on certain privileges and responsibilities. I typically tell teens that “freedom equals responsibility,” meaning that one needs to demonstrate responsible behavior before expecting to have certain freedoms. For example, if I am to have the freedom of driving a car, I need to demonstrate that I am responsible enough to follow traffic laws, have my driver’s license, car insurance, etc.

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Parents and teens often experience a push/pull in their relationships when deciding what freedoms are appropriate for the teens to have, which can create a lot of stress within the family system. The fact a teen is motivated to push for more freedom and independence and the parent’s task is to guide and protect the teen means there is often discord. This is a normal part of the process of transitioning from adolescence to adulthood. The transition is a period of regular readjustment and can intensify conflict between parents and teens.

Parents are responsible for instilling values in their children about what is right and what is wrong. Given that teens often feel a sense of entitlement to make their own decisions about issues that impact their lives, it is important for parents to have clarity about the contexts in which they will exercise their authority and in which contexts they will allow more freedom. While teens undoubtedly will make mistakes, parents need to trust them to make some of their own decisions and to learn from their missteps.

There is no way for parents to know for certain if their teen is going to make the wrong choices. The chances of a teen making the right choice are increased when parents believe in the teen’s ability to do so. That said, trust must be earned—and in order to earn trust, teens must act responsibly. In order for teens to grow up, they need to have the opportunity to experience the freedom of making their own decisions (age appropriate) and the opportunity to learn from mistakes. When parents place a certain level of trust in their teen, the teen will be more likely to respect the parents as well as their rules.

Children and teens with attention-deficit hyperactivity (ADHD) often have difficulty in social situations. They may frequently get into conflicts with peers, have trouble developing and sustaining friendships, or experience other social difficulties. In some instances, these difficulties may be due primarily to symptoms associated with ADHD, such as difficulty focusing, resisting impulses, or other self-regulation issues.

Difficulty focusing impedes individuals with ADHD in that they may not hear everything that is being said or otherwise communicated. As a result, they may miss social cues or relevant information to sustain conversations. In some instances, individuals may “zone out” and be perceived by peers as being uninterested. In other situations, children and teens may be focused on what they want to say and not allow peers to fully contribute to conversations and social interactions. Individuals who have trouble managing impulses to say something, trouble sitting still, or difficulty resisting other impulses often struggle in social situations because peers may find certain actions annoying or irritating.

ADHD does not always occur by itself. There are high comorbidities with anxiety, depression, learning issues, and other conditions. Thus, in some instances, symptoms from co-occurring conditions exacerbate the effect that ADHD symptoms have on social interactions.

Here are a few strategies to help your child/teen with social skills:

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• Practice good social skills and behavior at home. If your child/teen is engaging in problematic behavior (i.e., interrupting others, doing something annoying on purpose, being unfocused when having a conversation with you), have a conversation about how these types of behaviors can make it difficult at school and socially. It is best to bring it up when an issue isn’t occurring in the moment. Once you have this initial conversation, figure out a way that is amenable to your child/teen to gently point out when problematic behavior is occurring. Over time, this will help your child or teen learn to recognize when he or she is doing something he/she shouldn’t be doing, and may ultimately lead to it not happening in the first place. You have to be careful, though, that you are pointing things out in a constructive way and that your child/teen views it that way. If the child/teen feels that you are hounding him or her about things, he/she may become upset and, in time, develop negative feelings toward you. Do not embarrass your child/teen; speak privately about problematic behavior that you observe. Don’t bring things up in front of friends or siblings.
• For certain behaviors, you could collaboratively develop a signal that you could use to convey to your child/teen that you are observing something problematic. For instance, if your child/teen chews with his or her mouth open, set up a signal where you hold up your hand and give a two-second gesture, signaling to him or her that he/she needs to chew with mouth closed. As another example, if your child/teen frequently interrupts conversations, set up a signal where you raise one finger when he or she interrupts, signaling to wait for an appropriate time to speak.
• Model good behavior for your child/teen. If you interrupt your child/teen, use foul language, do things intentionally that are annoying, or engage in other negative behaviors, chances are your child/teen will follow your example. It makes it much harder to explain and enforce to your child/teen that such behaviors are wrong if you continue to do them yourself.

Learning and using good social skills is a process, and having a safe environment to practice is important. At the same time, it is vital that any practicing or pointing out of negative behaviors is carried out in a constructive way to avoid any negative impact on your relationship with your child/teen or his or her self-esteem. If you feel that your child/teen is struggling significantly with social skills, seeking out a therapist or counselor or social skills therapy groups can greatly help your child/teen improve on these issues.

There’s a broad assumption in our culture that women are just more emotionally intelligent than men. But women’s superior emotional intelligence is anything but a settled fact, in spite of claims of women everywhere to the contrary. Even if women do show more emotional awareness than men, a new study points toward environmental, rather than genetic, influences. According to that research, which was published in the British Journal of Developmental Psychology, mothers may teach girls more about emotions than they teach boys.

Do Boys Learn Less About Emotions Than Girls?

To evaluate differences in the ways parents talk to their children, researchers evaluated 65 Spanish parents of 4- and 6-year-old children. The parents told stories with their children and talked about previous experiences. Girls were more adept at using emotional words—such as happy, sad, and confused—than were boys. Researchers also found that mothers used more expressive words with their daughters than their sons, which might help explain why differences in emotional awareness emerge so early.

Undermining Boys’ Emotional Behavior

This isn’t the first study that has found that parents teach boys to be less emotionally astute than girls. In another study, a baby’s gender was concealed while he or she watched a jack-in-the-box. Observers were then asked to characterize the baby’s emotional reactions. When they thought the baby was a boy, they were more likely to call the reaction angry or aggressive, and girls were more likely to be labeled as fearful, potentially stigmatizing fear for boys. [fat_widget_left]

Some parents may even punish their boys for expressing their emotions, and boys receive intense peer pressure to conform to a masculine social norm that demands disconnection from emotions. The British Journal of Developmental Psychology is just one more piece of research suggesting the ability to feel and express emotions must be taught.

References:

1. Kindlon, D. (n.d.). Raising Cain: Protecting the emotional life of boys [PDF]. City Leadership Research Project.
2. Mothers nurture emotions in girls over boys, new study finds. (2014, November 12). Retrieved from http://www.eurekalert.org/pub_releases/2014-11/uos-mne110914.php
3. Widen, S. C., & Russell, J. A. (2002). Gender and Preschoolers’ Perception of Emotion. Merrill-Palmer Quarterly, 48(3), 248-262. doi: 10.1353/mpq.2002.0013

Ask any parent which sex is more verbal, and you’ll likely get a confident assertion that girls are just better with language. Pop psychology tells us that this is a fundamental difference between men and women, but new research sheds light on how this phenomenon could actually be a product of parenting and environment. According to a study just published in Pediatrics, mothers may spend more time talking to girls than they do talking to boys.

Sex-Based Differences in Communication

The frequency with which a parent talks to his or her child is a major predictor of language development, with children of frequent talkers talking earlier and developing larger vocabularies more quickly. To study the effects of parent-child communications, researchers evaluated 33 late pre-term babies and their parents, ultimately amassing 3,000 hours of recordings.

Researchers found that, regardless of a baby’s sex, mothers talked to their infants more frequently than fathers. While dads only respond to an infant’s cooing and babbling 27% to 30% of the time, moms respond 88% to 94% of the time. Unsurprisingly, then, babies showed signs of preferring their mothers’ voices over their dads’ voices. [fat_widget_left]

While dads responded slightly more frequently to boy babies than girl babies, the difference was not statistically significant. Mothers, however, were more likely to respond to and initiate communications with daughters than with sons. Researchers speculate that this may be because baby girls tend to engage in joint attention and make eye contact more frequently.

Previous research has suggested that a father’s degree of communicativeness has a strong effect on a child’s eventual language development. Thus the discrepancy in communication between moms and dads is a problem for boosting communication skills. Likewise, the tendency of mothers to communicate more frequently with daughters might help explain differences in vocabulary between male and female children.

References:

1. Moms talk more to infants, especially girls, study finds. (2014, November 4). Retrieved from http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/health-and-fitness/health/moms-talk-more-to-infants-especially-girls-study-finds/article21438411/
2. Raymond, J. (2014, November 3). The ‘baby talk’ gap? Moms may favor girls when talking to infants. Retrieved from http://www.today.com/parents/baby-talk-gap-moms-may-favor-girls-when-talking-infants-1D80257873

I hear your struggle and pain, and you are not alone. It is so hard to know just what the right thing to do for your kids may be when you see them potentially heading down a road that could make their lives more difficult and quite possibly more dangerous.

The best thing you can do for your son is offer him unconditional love and support by letting him know that you love him as he is, for who he is, and that nothing can change that. Whether he eventually realizes himself to be a member of the LGBTQIA community or is simply just drawn to more traditionally feminine toys and activities, he is likely to hear about these things from his peers. By trying to protect him from the hate and mockery of others, you may unintentionally give him the message that you don’t think his choices are OK and that he needs to hide who he is. He needs to have a safe place to be himself, and that should be with you. (It should be everywhere, really, but with you is a must.)

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That said, you can also equip him for living in your community. You can give him the tools he needs to combat bullying and hate. At 7, he is probably at least somewhat aware of how others may respond to him. You can talk with him about possible reactions to him choosing an Elsa costume over a Spider-Man costume. Empower him to make choices and prepare him for the ramifications. Let him know that the problem is NOT in his choice, but in the ignorance and bigotry that exist in the world. Help him find allies in the community—friends, teachers, other parents—who support him. Bullying and hate are terrible things, but they can be managed with support. Kids who internalize feelings that who they are is not OK suffer terribly, often feeling shame, isolation, and loneliness. These are the kinds of feelings that lead to hopelessness, depression, and even suicide.

Your question resonates deeply with me. My 4-year-old son is also drawn to dresses and make-up. He loves trucks and dinosaurs, but he chose to be Elsa for Halloween this year (it’s a popular costume!). When he wanted to wear a dress to school last week, I hesitated. When he was 2 or 3 it was no big deal, but lately I’ve seen that his peers respond in less accepting ways to cross-gender preferences. He wore the dress, but we practiced what he might say to friends if they laughed, made fun of him, or called him a girl. The moment we walked into the classroom, a group of boys did exactly that. He responded with, “Nope, I’m a boy. I just wanted to wear this.” And that was the end of it. Granted, at 4 and 5, kids are generally more accepting than at 7, but I hear your fears and your concerns, and all you can do is equip him to handle what he may face—and the best way to do that is by making sure he knows there is nothing wrong with him.

If I can also offer a little clarification as well: There is a difference between gender preferences, gender expression, gender identity, and sexual orientation. Preferring toys and objects that are traditionally associated with a different gender does not necessarily have anything to do with gender identity or sexual orientation. Your son may be more sensitive and nurturing than his male peers. There are girls his age who prefer some of the more traditionally male toys. That does not necessarily mean they are gay or straight or bisexual. Nor does it mean that those girls identify more as masculine or the boys identify more as feminine. Kids like what they like. We are the ones who make meaning of it and attach labels.

If you need support for yourself or your son in figuring out how to navigate through these issues, find a therapist who works with gender fluidity. Whether or not your son is gay, a therapist trained in LGBTQ+ issues would have a lot of resources and strategies for navigating how to be different in an intolerant community.

Best of luck,
Erika

In my view, self-esteem, the foundation for how we are in the world, is the most under-acknowledged component of mental health. One of our most important tasks as parents is to be sure the environment fosters in children perceptions of themselves as capable, effective human beings. Self-esteem is greatly impacted by how children feel about their ability to cope with life, a feeling that is largely developed by others. The way parents respond to their children communicates to them that they are loved, capable, and contributing people, which enhances their self-esteem. On the other hand, parents can unintentionally send negative messages to children that they are incapable and unloved, which contributes to low self-esteem.

A desirable self-esteem is likely being established if children perceive that they belong and that they are loved and respected within the family system. One way for parents to enhance that perception is to focus on their children’s strengths and accept their weaknesses. Children should be set up to be successful and learn how to embrace positive feedback from others, not discount it.

In order for children to understand how capable they really are, parents need to facilitate children reaching their full potential by demonstrating genuine interest and a desire to be productively involved with them. If an atmosphere of closeness and trust is created between children and their parents, children will grow increasingly interested in adult perceptions. All human beings, children in particular, have a basic need for potency, a sense of control over their environment, and an affirmation of their significance.

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Children need to have opportunities to experience success. Success breeds success, which will result in building self-esteem. Parents can encourage children to work toward developing a level of self-understanding, which is a powerful influence on human behavior and is a crucial component in children reaching their full potential.

In order to ensure that their children are developing a desirable self-esteem, parents can do the following:

• Set time aside to talk with your children and be fully present. Children need to feel they are being listened to.
• Encourage children to take care of themselves through modeling a healthy lifestyle by eating a balanced diet and getting enough exercise.
• Provide the opportunity for children to become involved in activities they enjoy. Allow children to have a voice in the activities they engage in to encourage their individuality and to develop their own interests and passions.
• Model a positive attitude toward yourself and others.
• Help children set goals, and celebrate when they reach them. If reaching their goal takes longer than expected, keep encouraging them. If plans need to be renegotiated, let children know it is OK in order to enhance their self-confidence.
• Encourage children to do their best and be proud of them for doing so. If they receive an A or a C in school, be proud of them for the effort they give.
• Despite the circumstances, let children know they deserve to be loved and accepted.
• Teach children that experiencing challenges and disappointments is a life skill and not a reflection of their worth or what they deserve.
• Let children know you will never give up on them and ensure that they are held accountable. Their self-esteem will be enhanced by taking responsibility for themselves and their behavior.

For anyone facing the demon of substance abuse, one of the most difficult challenges is understanding how their addiction is affecting the people around them, including family and friends. In a haze of drugs and alcohol, it is virtually impossible to understand the impact that substance use and addiction have on the people who are closest. This dynamic is especially prevalent when parents are the substance abusers and they are unable to conceptualize how their use is impairing the growth and development of their children.

When a parent drinks too much or is under the influence of a substance, legal or illegal, many kids are likely to find themselves overwhelmed and unable to deal with their emotional reality. Children may deal with feelings of anger, embarrassment, frustration, fear, and myriad other emotions that they may not know how to express.

If there is substance abuse occurring in the home, often the family will try to manage the fallout internally, leaving kids with the feeling they have to protect a family secret. Sometimes, addiction may be influencing one or both parents in a household, but no one in the family unit is willing or able to address the issue. Even a suggestion that there may be problems with addiction can bring anger and backlash from a parent who is not ready to face his or her own substance issues.

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Substance use can also make home a dangerous place for kids. The addicted parent may not be able to maintain work or a steady income, rendering home life unstable. The potential for abuse also rises in households where one or more parents are under the influence. This lack of stability may adversely affect the emotional development of children, leaving them lost, lonely, and stressed.

The long-term effects of these experiences will influence kids in many aspects of their daily lives. Kids of addicted parents often take on responsibility for the household and become what is commonly called the “parentified” child. Such kids are forced into adult roles and responsibilities that are not being managed by the parents. They may become perfectionists in an effort to manage the emotional instability in the home.

These same kids often carry low self-esteem and face challenges when trying to create intimate relationships outside the home. They often have limited emotional awareness and may be conflict avoidant as a means of maintaining a steady emotional state. Holding the secrets of the addicted parent(s) makes it hard for them to build open, honest relationships, which in turn makes it challenging to develop close connections.

All of these are reasons to find help for kids in families with addiction issues. If one parent, family friend, or relative can step in and recognize the issues occurring in the household, there is a window of opportunity to get professional assistance.

It is vital for kids of alcohol- or drug-addicted parents to realize that they are not alone and that there are other people in their community facing the same challenges. It is also important, with the assistance of a professional counselor or support group, for kids to understand that they are not responsible for the addiction issues that their parents are going through. Having a place to share their story and make sense of the emotional turmoil in their home may help kids of addicted parents to process their feelings and begin to develop a stronger sense of self.

The development of self-esteem, independent of a parent’s addiction issues, can help children to regulate their emotional life and adapt to family needs. By providing a place of safety and understanding for kids of addicted parents, we can help children learn healthy coping skills and understand how addiction can affect any home, not just theirs.