Feeling good about oneself can be a lifelong struggle for many children of divorce. When the parent who leaves becomes less involved, interested, and loving, many children develop an intense need for admiration, recognition, and connection. They can become stuck in an endless quest to gain approval and love by trying to be the person they think Daddy or Mommy wants them to be rather than having the freedom to grow, develop, and individuate.

I have worked with many people who experienced divorce as young children. For most, it was the father who left the home, became unavailable physically and/or emotionally, and therefore became the object of desire for the child. The work in therapy for these adult children of divorce is about developing positive self-regard in order to feel deserving of creating separate lives and building relationships that are satisfying and a reflection of their own wishes and desires. The therapeutic work can be both a painful and pleasurable process of discovering one’s own thoughts, feelings, and mind, separate from the idealized parent.

Lucy (not her real name) came to our first appointment and began to describe how unhappy she was with her life. She was in graduate school, in the second year of her MBA. “I hate it,” she said. “I don’t know what I was thinking when I decided I wanted to go into finance. I mean, I do know what I was thinking. I was thinking how happy my father would be that I would be just like him, a financial analyst. But now I’m in the middle of my last year and he never really asks about what I’m studying or about my internship. Sometimes he’ll lecture me on the kind of job that I should be looking for when I graduate, but we never have a conversation. All my life I’ve been trying to please him. I even moved to New York just to be near him—he left me and my mom and my brother when I was 8. I’m fed up! I hate him! No, I love him. He’s a wonderful man, but he doesn’t love me, never did. I don’t know what to do with my life. I guess I’m depressed. I’m sorry, I’ve been talking nonstop. Can you help me?”

I did believe I could help Lucy. We began our sessions, and Lucy proceeded to talk about her life. I learned that when her parents divorced, her father moved to the city from the suburbs. She saw him every other weekend until she was about 11, and then less often after that until high school, when it was not even monthly.

“I was so bored when Jed [her brother] and I visited him,” she said. “Jed is two years older, and he stopped visiting before I did. My father had a girlfriend, Mara, from the time I was 9. She had a son, Billy, who was 4 or 5 when they all moved in together. My father always seemed so involved with them. I never knew what to talk about. Mara was so pretty, and my father seemed so in love with her and Billy.”

I asked Lucy to talk more about what it felt like for her that her father had this new family.

“He never looked at me with the same smile or pleasure the way he looks at them,” she said. “I really loved him, but never felt he loved me. If I could just figure out how to make him love me and think I was special like them, then I could be happy. I thought maybe if I was prettier, like Mara, or made him laugh, he would love me too. Late in high school, I had the idea that I would go to college and major in business and maybe then I would have something to talk to my dad about. It didn’t work. I kept going back for more and I always ended up feeling rejected. You would think I would have figured it out and not have gone to grad school for business too. My problem now is I don’t know what I really want to do. I don’t know what I like; I don’t know how I’m ever going to have a boyfriend. I don’t know …”

Lucy’s description of her experience of herself in relation to her father was similar to the experiences of other children whose fathers left and started new families. As Lucy and I continued to talk together, it became clear that she desperately wanted her father to admire and recognize her as someone special. She felt constantly that she didn’t measure up, especially to his new family: “I thought, ‘What is wrong with me? Why is he always so distant? Why aren’t I good enough?’ ”

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Lucy’s feelings of self-hate and despair about getting what she needed from her father kept her involved in a constant search for connection and recognition from him. When she decided that the way to get his positive regard was by going into finance, she never stopped to consider her own wishes and desires. When she began therapy, she had reached a place where it was no longer tenable to continue this pattern of seeking her father’s approval. But now what was she going to do, and how would she begin to develop positive feelings about herself?

As we worked, Lucy decided to take a leave of absence from graduate school. She wanted some time to explore what she might like and what she could be passionate about. This was not so easy at first. Lucy recalled that in high school and in college, she wrote for the school magazines and loved her English classes. In a session several weeks later, she was excited when she told me about a writing workshop she found at the local YMCA. She planned to try writing again. Then, the following week, she came to session and said, “I thought I would try the workshop. But that’s really not such a great idea. For me to be admitted, they want me to submit a writing sample. Who am I kidding? I’m not much of a writer.”

Lucy and I explored her anxiety about putting herself in the world to try new things and face the possibility of failure or rejection. As we talked about this fear, Lucy began to connect these anxieties with her experiences with her father.

“He never made me feel interesting or competent,” she said. “Even when I did something good, he would find something about it to criticize. I always see him as so smart and so handsome. I always thought everything he said was right. I guess that made me wrong a lot of times. I still see him as right about everything. I feel stupid and awkward when I’m around him. I guess that’s pretty much how I feel about myself everywhere most of the time. When this writing thing came along, I had a moment when I felt differently. I remembered how I talked to you about my writing and I remembered how much I loved it. I got so excited, and that’s when I looked for and found the workshop. Then I reverted back to my old ways. But I am going to try and steel myself and send in the writing sample and see what happens. I can’t keep myself stuck in this ‘I’m not good enough rut.’ ”

Lucy and I continue to talk about her worries of failure and rejection and her fear of taking risks to try new things in the world. Lucy tries to keep in mind that she is repeating the relationship with her father when she lets herself be guided by her old feelings of anxiety, low self-esteem, and low self-confidence. When Lucy joined an online dating site, she withdrew after emailing back and forth with an interesting man who asked her out. “He’ll never like me once he meets me,” she said. “I’m just not interesting enough.”

As we kept talking about expecting the world to be like her father, Lucy’s face lit up and she said, “You know, maybe it wasn’t me. Maybe it was my father that wasn’t so great. I never realized this before, but he didn’t know how to be a good father to me! Maybe he’s the incompetent one!”

As Lucy continues to grow and develop, she is becoming more aware of her special attributes. At the same time, she is becoming more able to see her father realistically rather than idealizing him as the special one. She is doing well in her writing workshop, now in its second year. She has sent a short story out in the hopes of getting it published. She has dated several different men and is beginning to think about what they have to offer her rather than what she doesn’t have to offer them. Lucy is changing the nature of her attachment to her father. She craves his approval much less and rarely looks to him to define what is good and valuable about her. She is becoming a person with her own wishes and desires and needs. She is becoming a person who can increasingly value herself in positive ways. She is on her way to a satisfying life.

I remember deciding to leave my marriage. After months and months of trying to make it work, I got to a point where I couldn’t stay any longer. It wasn’t my choice to end the marriage, but my partner made it impossible for me to stay. The decision to walk away from something I had been so committed to was torturous because there was a part of me that would not let go of the idea that it could be saved.

I knew the ship was sinking fast, and I tried really hard to scoop out the water, but ultimately I got to a point where I had to jump. With no life raft waiting for me, I chose to plunge into the deep, murky waters of a new life that would be completely different than what I had planned.

People in therapy often ask me how they can know when it’s time to stop trying and give up on saving a marriage. My answer is always the same: There may come a time when you know you can’t stand it any longer. It may coincide with a loss of integrity and a fear of losing yourself in something you intuitively know is not healthy for you. There is no set time frame; it’s different for every person and every unique situation.

It takes a great amount of courage to walk away from a marriage even if you have exhausted all avenues to try and salvage what’s broken. Even when one partner refuses to work on things, the idea of leaving a marriage dead in the water is beyond painful and hard to overcome.

It’s almost always fear and hope that keep people in a terminal marriage for a little too long—the fear of walking away from something too soon, and the hope that it can be resurrected.

The limbo of whether to work on something or walk away can last for weeks, months, or even years. It’s a personal choice that can come only from a place of deep certainty and a readiness to relinquish the fantasy of what could have been.

I have seen many people who don’t technically “leave the marriage” until well after they are divorced. A signature on a page doesn’t define an ending in the same way a marital commitment is much more than a piece of paper.

No one can ever tell you how or when to be done with your marriage, but here are a few indicators that you might be staying in a marriage beyond its expiration date.

1. Your partner blatantly does and says things that hurt you.
2. He or she disappears for long periods of time without being “reachable.”
3. Your partner refuses to end the relationship he or she has been having outside the marriage.
4. Your partner no longer includes you in his or her daily life.
5. He or she has moved out of the house into his or her own place.
6. You constantly find yourself wondering where the person you married has gone.
7. You rationalize his or her behavior as a “midlife crisis.”
8. You witness big discrepancies between what your partner says and does.
9. He or she refuses to go to couples counseling.
10. Your partner tells you he or she doesn’t love you anymore.

Some of these indicators may be hard to swallow or accept, but if they raise your awareness or give you a bar by which to measure the health of your relationship, perhaps it will be easier to put your marriage to rest.

Even if parents seem OK with a decision to divorce, it does not mean that their children have to be OK with it. Divorce changes a child’s world in a pretty major way. It is OK and normal for a person in such a situation to feel sadness, anger, resentment, confusion, frustration, and anything else he or she might be feeling. It sounds like you are being asked to make some big decisions before you’ve had much of a chance to process how you are feeling about it all. It also sounds like you feel your parents have put you in a no-win situation. By making you choose, it seems you feel like you aren’t just choosing where to live, but taking sides. I’m sure that doesn’t feel very fair.

It is OK for children, amid divorce, to tell their parents what they are feeling. If any decision feels too big to make alone, it is OK to ask them for help. It is also OK to ask them if they can connect with a therapist or someone who can help a child sort through this situation.

It sounds like your parents are trying to figure things out, and maybe, by giving you the choice, they are trying to make you feel like you have some control in what seems like a situation that is so out of your control. They may be trying to help and let you have a voice in the process. That can actually be a really good thing.

A child whose parents are divorcing should feel empowered to let them know that it is making things hard and that he or she needs help, support, and guidance. Also, keep in mind that the choice you have been presented with might not have to be a permanent one. One option might be to try to finish the year where you are, thereby staying in your school through this year and then reconsidering in the summer what will work best for you.

I know this choice feels monumental—it doesn’t have to be. You also do not have to do this alone. By asking for the help you need, you will set yourself up to manage the changes that are coming without feeling as conflicted and overwhelmed as you feel right now.

Best of luck!
Erika

As a clinical psychologist and certified addictions counselor, I see husbands, wives, and partners in individual or couples therapy on a daily basis grappling with the decision to leave or divorce their spouse or partner. Therapists have long referred to the three “A’s” of divorce as legitimate reasons to consider ending a relationship when the behavior of one’s partner is clearly destructive, abusive, or there is no reason to believe it will improve. Psychologists have suggested that the top three reasons for divorce are abuse, addiction, and affairs.

Researchers have long reported that financial problems are the top area of conflict for most couples, and that communication is the second most-cited reason for marital discord. While that may be true, these problems pale in comparison to the severe and devastating consequences resulting from abuse, addiction, and affairs.

When people ask me whether they should leave their partner or initiate divorce proceedings, very often it is because of one of the above. Any one of these issues, in and of itself, can be severe enough to make the answer to this question simple, yet it is an intensely personal and complex choice and the decision must be made in the context of careful consideration for oneself, one’s family, and the state and federal laws pertaining to the behavior. It is of utmost importance that, when faced with a partner who is engaged in these behaviors, one consults a professional and receives support, education, and counseling.

These are not decisions that should be made in a vacuum—or alone. As the social creatures and pack animals that we are, we have evolved over time to need and rely on social supports to better understand ourselves and the situations in which we find ourselves. Seeking help and support is a necessary, if not sufficient, first step in making the right decision for ourselves when coping with addiction, affairs, or abuse.

Many people do recover. While keeping safety in mind first and foremost, any one instance of the three “A’s” may be something that couples can bounce back from if they receive enough help and support.

[fat_widget_left]One person with whom I worked found that she began to have feelings for a man she met online who was living in another state. She had no physical relationship with this man, but she continued to be connected with him for two years in what she later determined to be an emotional affair. When she and her husband finally entered couples therapy, she was able to confess her feelings for this man and her “emotional infidelity,” and end the affair promptly. She was able to work on what led her to stray from her husband and to articulate the ways in which she felt she was not getting her needs met at home and in their relationship, and they were able to make changes in order to save their marriage.

Another case of forgiving a violation of the three “A’s” involved a couple in which the man was physically abusive. He would block his wife’s exit from a door when she wanted to leave the house, jealously hack into her email, listen to her phone messages, and place restrictions on when she could go out and with whom she could spend time. At one point, he shoved her and she fell, almost bumping her head on a coffee table. While these are considered abusive behaviors in most states and punishable by law, the couple was able to learn about the definition of abuse—physical, sexual, and emotional—and the man fully engaged in individual and group counseling. He found a local therapist who ran groups for men with anger and physical abuse problems, enrolled in that program, and worked hard on himself for two years to save his marriage and family.

Often, couples enter counseling when marriages are on the brink and it becomes clear that one or both partners need individual counseling before the couples work can be successful. This last case is an obvious example where individual therapy would be essential at the start. The husband in this instance began individual therapy and conjoint group therapy, focusing on anger management and coping skills. Most importantly, he was able to identify and stop the abusive behavior, and the couple was able to resume their progress in couples counseling. After significant time and work, they were able to salvage their relationship and the marriage. This involved the wife’s ability to forgive and trust her husband again, of course, but also the husband’s ability to express his anger toward her in a more acceptable, healthy, and helpful way. The wife certainly needed her own individual therapy before she was even close to being willing to begin the couples counseling.

Addiction may be no different from affairs and abuse in this regard. When one’s addiction is severe, it is clearly grounds for ending a relationship or getting a divorce, but by no means is this always the case. When a husband, wife, or partner adequately addresses his or her drug and alcohol issues or other addictive issues, such as shopping addiction, gambling, or love or sex addiction, a couple can recover from the hurt, shame, and consequences of the addictive behaviors.

Many people are familiar with the quote, “We’re not responsible for falling down, but we are responsible for getting back up.” This is a wonderful analogy for the “disease” model of addiction. If you are walking along, don’t see a hole, and you fall in it, it isn’t your fault. It is, however, your responsibility to get up, to get out of the hole or ask for help. An individual with an addiction is not responsible for having the disease. It is sometimes a hereditary illness, a brain disease characterized by chronic relapse with psychosocial, biological, personal, and cultural origins. However, once someone knows that they have an addiction, they are responsible for picking themselves up, getting treatment, avoiding people, places, and things associated with their addiction, and working a program of recovery involving therapy, meetings, and the use of a support network such as a 12-step fellowship.

A few important things to remember: The three “A’s” and the behaviors surrounding them need to cease right away. In some cases this can be a work in progress, but in others it can’t. Physical, sexual, and emotional abuse needs to stop immediately. Some of these behaviors are obviously illegal and nonnegotiable. There is no way to continue an affair and work on one’s marriage at the same time. Individuals need a comprehensive assessment and evaluation to determine the appropriate level of care and to engage in the level of treatment and support that will keep them and others safe. After this is determined, if treatment is not working adequately and that level of treatment is deemed insufficient, then the individual will need to step up his or her treatment to a higher level of care.

Often, separation is a good idea as couples learn about the addiction, affairs, or abuse. A healthy separation can enable individuals to focus on their treatment and come together as needed when both are ready. This sort of separation enables both parties and their family to recognize that recovery is an individual’s responsibility and it is also a family affair. Whether children or extended family know explicitly about what is going on, to be sure, they are all affected. So when an individual begins recovery, so too does the family, and each member of the family may need support and/or counseling.

It is a spouse’s or partner’s responsibility to communicate to his or her partner what is acceptable and what is not. It is also incumbent on a spouse or partner to become educated about the law, about the disease of addiction, and to learn as much about the psychological underpinnings of the three “A’s” and these sorts of behaviors as possible. It is a partner’s responsibility to communicate as clearly as possible about what he or she believes is going on and to insist that his or her partner get help.

Rarely is anyone able to work through these sorts of problems without the support of professional help. Finding someone to help you and your spouse these days is very easy, however. GoodTherapy.org’s therapist directory is a great place to start. You can also contact your local city or state psychological society or association. Speak with a physician or friend you know who has been in counseling and ask them or their therapist for a referral. Most local therapists are willing to consult at no charge over the phone to help you determine if they might be a good match for you or your spouse.

It is hard to be fully invested in a relationship if you’re already thinking about the messy ending. You are right about the statistics—many marriages do end. There are no guarantees. I do know that very few people go into a marriage with the intention of getting a divorce. Marriage is a leap of faith. It seems pretty clear that you are not ready to make that leap right now—and that’s OK. It’s good to know that is where you are.

What I think is interesting is that you say that you are fine with long-term commitments or even one life-long commitment. I’d be curious to know more about why that feels safer to you than marriage. The “split” rates for relationships are higher than for marriages. There are even fewer guarantees in “nonbinding” (for lack of a better term) relationships. The risks of not being able to trust, of being hurt, of friends taking sides are just as high. If you were to have children with a lifelong partner outside of marriage, custody issues would still be present; they would just look slightly different. You’d still have to figure out dividing up shared stuff (possibly even your home). There are even fewer guarantees in this kind of relationship, yet something about not being legally bound to another person seems less risky to you.

I wonder if the issue may not actually be the act of marriage, but the level of trust required to risk committing yourself fully to another person. It is not unusual for children of divorce to struggle with that trust. They experienced firsthand how marriages can end. It can profoundly impact their feelings of safety and security and limit their willingness to trust in others. You say that, right now, it feels like you have to choose between a very scary “risk-it-all” approach or be doomed to a life alone. There is definitely a middle ground which can allow you meaningful relationships without such high levels of fear. I strongly encourage you to explore these feelings with a therapist in your area.

Best of luck,
Erika

The impact of late-life parental divorce on adult children—an area of divorce that historically has received near-cursory attention but is gaining steam among researchers—is unique for each individual and varies from minimal to severe. Multifarious factors affect impact of divorce on adult children. Why does parental divorce barely throw one adult child off balance, while another adult child is powerfully impacted, perhaps altering ability to function?

This is a complex question with no single answer. One way to think about this is to look at the relationship between impact of divorce on adult children and development of ego strength. A 2012 doctoral dissertation collected data from 167 qualifying participants and found a significant relationship between two ego strengths and impact of divorce on adult children (Murphy). Using Erik Erikson’s theory of human development in eight life stages and corresponding ego strengths, data show an inverse relationship between two specific Eriksonian ego strengths: competence and love. What is ego strength and how are competence and love defined as ego strengths?

Erikson (1902-1994), a developmental theorist and ego psychologist, defined the ego as malleable rather than fixed. According to Erikson, in addition to working as a mediator between impulses (id) and moral beliefs (superego), the ego absorbs attitudes and skills as an individual develops. As individuals pass through life stages, conflicts arise. Resolution of conflicts, or crises, is again unique to every crisis and every individual, meaning that two people may experience the same event at the same time in their lives and experience very different resolutions. Unresolved crises at any stage of life potentially reactivate when a new crises emerges. A basic conflict is resolved along a continuum from positive to negative, which in turn influences outcome (Berk, 2010). Erikson’s life-stage model was built on optimism. Optimism because his theory suggests individuals can always go back to earlier crises and rework a better resolution and stronger ego strength.

Within Erikson’s framework, the ego is a mediator that absorbs individual culture, and it is malleable. For each of the eight life stages, there is a corresponding ego that develops. Stage four of psychosocial development is between approximately ages 6 and 11 years old, when a child begins to develop awareness of certain skills and knowledge. At school, a child will begin to develop capacity to cooperate and work with peers and adults. New skills are tried out. A sense of competence begins to emerge if the child feels success. Alternatively, a sense of inferiority may emerge if the child’s efforts are negatively experienced at school, home, or with peers. Again, there is a continuum from positive to negative outcome. Competence is Erikson’s ego strength that evolves at this stage. In the 2012 doctoral dissertation study of the relationship between impact of divorce on adult children and ego strength, there was a significant relationship between competence and impact of divorce. That is to say as scores on competence increased, impact of divorce decreased.

Erikson’s stage six of development is during young adulthood, ranging from about age 19 to 40 years old. This is the stage where young adults begin to establish intimate ties to others. While close relationships may have been present in adolescence, it is at this stage where selflessness develops along with mutuality and commitment. It is at this stage of young adulthood where Erikson’s ego strength love develops. This is when a mutually intimate relationship endures disappointment. Intimacy can be at risk if there are earlier disappointments in relationships. Again, in the 2012 doctoral dissertation study of impact of divorce and ego development, as scores on love increased, impact of divorce decreased. Inversely, as scores on impact of divorce increased, scores on both competence and love decreased.

So what does all of this mean? It is a first step in understanding variances in impact of divorce on adult children. No known previous studies on the relationship between impact and ego development means this is a fertile area for much more research. In the meantime, the 2012 study is a step toward understanding and validating the adult child’s experiences when his or her parents divorce. It opens the door to understanding how impact on adult children is a continuum from no meaningful impact to severe.

Demographic results from the 2012 study show that of the 167 participants, more than 83% reported their parents being married between 25 and 39 years. With a minimum age of 23 years at the time of their parents’ divorce as a requirement for study participation, 54.5% were between the ages of 35 and 59. As a testament to the significance of their parents’ divorce, 17 participants who completed the survey were between the ages of 50 and 59.

For psychotherapists, this study affords a perspective on the significance of parental divorce in adult years of the child. It can be a reminder to not fall into common assumptions about adult children and parental divorce. Looking through the prism of developmental theory, rich contextual information can be accessed and perhaps unlock a deeper understanding of how the past continues to influence the present.

References:

1. Berk, L.A. (2005). Infants and children (5^th Ed.). Boston, MA: Pearson
2. Murphy, M. (2012). Parental divorce: Relationship between ego strengths and impact of divorce on adult children from an Eriksonian perspective (Doctoral dissertation).   Retrieved from http://library.argosy.edu

This is a big topic. It may be at the core of why many divorces do not proceed well. The ability to forgive can be quite complex, depending on the events and issues under consideration. However, forgiveness may be one of the most important and perhaps most powerful experiences you may have when going through what can be a very difficult and painful event.

Some things to consider when thinking about what it might mean to forgive your ex-spouse:

1. Healthy boundaries: When we forgive, we are learning to have healthy boundaries so that we do not say or imply that what was done was OK. Holding a grudge is not the best way to make sure you are not hurt by someone again. Being clear about what you are and are not willing to do going forward is a stronger stance.
2. Ongoing experience: Forgiveness is an ongoing experience. It doesn’t happen once and then be done. It happens over time, allowing us to acknowledge our feelings and put them in perspective. Feelings such as anger and resentment take time to heal. Forgiveness is part of the healing process and important to our own health and helping to decrease stress in our lives.
3. Realistic view: When we can recognize other people for who they are and give up on the hope of changing them, this often has the impact of changing our response to them, our expectation of them, and our need to forgive them for being who they are. Having a realistic view of another person may help to minimize the things they need to be forgiven for if the expectation that they be someone other than who they are is not there.
4. Afraid history will repeat itself: We are sometimes frightened that if we forgive someone we will have to go back to being in the relationship in the same way we were before. It is important to remember we need not choose to be a victim nor allow ourselves to participate in something that is intolerable or abusive in order to forgive the actions of another.
5. Feeling powerless: We are sometimes fearful that we will feel powerless if we forgive a person who is asking for our forgiveness. We may feel powerful when we refuse to offer it to them. Forgiveness is not about power. It is about creating an internal sense of peace.
6. Continual forgiveness: We need to stay aware of choices we make that may put us in the position where we feel a continual need to forgive. This relates to being clearer about your boundaries of what you are willing to tolerate or expose yourself to.
7. Cycle of arguing and forgiving: During a divorce, disagreements and problems may arise that result in arguments and feelings of anger and resentment. We may feel an ongoing cycle of hurt, anger, argument, and forgiveness. It helps to be aware of the ways we engage that are about our expectations and disappointments that lead to anger and then a need for forgiveness.
8. It isn’t fair: One of the reasons we find it difficult to forgive is because we feel it isn’t fair that the person who has hurt us will not be punished or forced to make amends. Forgiving is not the same as thinking others should not be accountable for their actions. It is about coming to terms with what happened, allowing ourselves to find a calmer place in our hearts in understanding what happened, and letting it become part of our history rather than continually intrude in our lives.
9. Getting even: Getting even is a short-term experience. Moving on, forgiving, and living the life we want free of anger and stress is its own reward.
10. Avoid an uncomfortable situation: We can guard against forgiving someone so that an uncomfortable situation can be averted rather than because we truly feel we are ready to let go of our judgment of them. When forgiveness is given for a reason other than feeling ready to forgive, resentment will often emerge instead.
11. Not the same as forgetting: Forgiving is not the same thing as forgetting. We may have an experience which reminds us of what happened. This doesn’t mean we no longer forgive that person. It is often helpful to have these reminders as a way of remembering why we needed to forgive in the first place.
12. Forgiving yourself: It is as important to forgive ourselves as it is to forgive another. We can act in ways we regret, sometimes realizing it right after we do something. We are as capable as anyone else of transgressions and to hopefully learn from them. Sometimes, our unwillingness to forgive ourselves results in placing our anger with ourselves on someone else.
13. Private experience: Forgiveness can be a private experience with ourselves and does not need to be pronounced to the person you are forgiving. Many people have no information about the amount or nature of the ways in which they have been forgiven.
14. For your own benefit: When we forgive, it is an act for ourselves, for our own benefit, not the person we are forgiving. It is about our relationship with the self, our attitude about others, and our beliefs about what should be rather than what is.

The process of divorce is hard enough, but when you have to co-parent with an ex who has become the bane of your existence, things can get worse. Some parents become better at being caregivers after divorce because they find their own voice and style outside the relationship. Others transform into an unrecognizable version of themselves, making parenting a horribly intolerable experience. Either way, when you can’t stand the person you are parenting with, life can become a drag, and the battle becomes exhausting.

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If you are struggling to co-parent with an ex you despise, here are five tips to help you manage the experience:

1. Reduce your ex-pectations:

Expecting your ex to be the kind of parent you need him or her to be creates frustration and disappointment. While some exes flourish as parents after divorce, others become ornery and annoying. The rule of thumb is to expect no more than the ex was doing in the marriage, and brace for less now that he or she has other priorities. Even if you think he or she should be doing a better job, remember that it’s not up to you to police your ex’s parenting.

2. Try not to be a hater:

Hate is a very strong word, but when it comes to an ex, there may not be a lot of other words (that we can use here, anyway) to describe the level of negative feelings you might have. However, to hate causes YOU stress and makes it hard to parent effectively. Get some professional help to move from hate to tolerance to see if that makes co-parenting any easier.

3. Look through your child’s eyes:

You are most likely making your children the priority when it comes to co-parenting, but sometimes the mind can become clouded with negativity. Empathy is a great stress reducer, and it can really help to shift a detrimental perspective. Try to see your ex through your children’s eyes, a view that is most likely idealized and positive. Children will do anything to maintain an attachment to a parent, even in the face of horrible behavior. You can learn from their innocence.

4. Let go of control:

Co-parenting with an ex is one big lesson in letting go. You may not approve of your ex’s parenting style or what he or she does with the kids during their time, but this is mostly out of your control. If your ex is stonewalling you and refusing to share information about your child’s well-being, you need to manage that anxiety. Your ability to relinquish your illusory power will not only reduce your frustration and stress, it will open space for you to enjoy your time alone. You cannot change your ex with your will and desire to be right. You can only model with the hope of being a positive influence.

5. Value your influence:

Having your kids half the time (or sometimes less) may invoke a feeling of powerlessness with regard to your parental influence. All parents worry about scarring their children emotionally, and divorced parents may fear that the parenting going on in the other home may damage their little ones. If you are a parent who dreads letting your kids go with your ex, or who is concerned about your lack of authority, try to remember that whatever you are doing will be enough. If there is another (or new) partner involved, stay grounded in the fact you are the primary parent and no one can replace you.

Your children love you, are attached to you, and need you to be strong and centered as the “good enough” parent that you are.

Very few people in Western cultures enforce or even endorse arranged marriages. The thought of having your spouse picked out by your parents can be repulsive to many young adults. They often view the opportunity to sow their own oats and experience the rush of first love as a fundamental rite of passage into adulthood. It is a process that is born of free will, choice and many believe, should be the sole privilege and right of the individual seeking a partner. But for Eastern societies, arranged marriages are not only encouraged, they are required. It is when Eastern and Western cultures clash that the problems arise.

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A recent article describes some of the benefits and pitfalls to arranged unions. First, parents who favor arranged marriages believe that they are more experienced and objective than their children. They will be able to make better, less impulsive choices regarding a compatible, and often financially supportive mate than their child will. In many cultures, disobeying the arrangement can lead to disownment and exile from the family. But for the children, arranged marriages can cause fear and resentment. Many young people long for the chance to find their perfect soul mate, the one who makes their heart flutter and their palms sweat. They want to experience intimacy on many levels with that person before they make the commitment to spend the rest of their lives with them.

But do parents know best? Parents often arrange marriages for their children because doing so will ensure that their child stays vigilant in their religious beliefs. People from different cultures often see freedom of religion as a threat and are afraid of the varying views in Western societies. “The human mind finds security in habit so adjusting is hard and change is frightening,” says psychologist Jade Caton. That is why, according to Caton, many parents insist on arranged marriages. And maybe they are on to something. According to some research conducted in India, couples in arranged marriages have more extended periods of being in love than partners who choose their own mates. And arranged marriages end in divorce about 10 times less often than nonarranged marriages. But for young adults who cannot see past the pursuit and passion that come from falling in love, these statistics are often merely academic.

Reference:
Han, Mayzin. (2013). First comes marriage, then comes love. Spark Magazine (n.d.): n. pag. Web. http://www.sparksunderland.com/featured/2013/04/first-comes-marriage-then-comes-love/

Marriage counseling can save your marriage, prepare you for the stress of a baby, help you communicate more effectively, and get you on track for a lifetime of love. But when marriage counseling doesn’t work, it’s like throwing away money. This can make marriage problems even worse; studies show that many couples tend to fight often about money, and the false hope given by bad marital therapy can lead to despair and increased conflict.

If you need help in your relationship, it’s usually not enough to pick the first therapist you find online or on your insurance plan. Not every marriage counselor works well for every couple, and couples seeking help need to find someone who works for their specific situation.

Reputation and Recommendations
Recommendations from friends and other people you trust can be a great starting point for finding a therapist. If you’ve noticed meaningful change in someone else’s relationship, the odds are good that his or her therapist is doing something right.

If you can’t rely on recommendations from friends, read online reviews and check out discipline records with licensing boards. A therapist with a stellar reputation—particularly one who has been in practice for several years—is likely one who has a long history of helping couples wade through difficulties.

Shared Values
Marriage counselors each have their own approach to marriage. Some draw on biblical principles, while others are influenced by feminism and humanism. You don’t need to agree with your therapist about everything, but you do need a therapist who shares your core values.

If you and your spouse are struggling to build an egalitarian relationship in which you share chores, you need a therapist who recognizes this goal as important and who has helped similar couples. If you’re deeply religious, you need someone who understands the important role faith plays in your marriage. If you start therapy and your counselor makes a recommendation that runs counter to your core values, find someone else.

Strategy
A therapist isn’t a paid friend. And while marriage counselors can serve as referees and mediators, this should not be their only role. Your therapist should have a specific strategy for helping you move past marital issues.

Ask your therapist how he or she wants to proceed with treatment, and if there’s a specific therapeutic modality he or she uses. After you’re in therapy, if you don’t feel like the therapist takes control and directs the session, it may not be a good fit.

In therapy, many people want results without having to make lifestyle changes. If your therapist doesn’t call you on problematic behaviors or make suggestions about what you can do at home in between therapy sessions, he or she might not be proactive enough to help you navigate the storms of marriage.

Results
After you’re in counseling, the key measure of success is results. Your marriage won’t be changed after one session or even five, but if you’re slogging out your differences in therapy week after week with no change, it’s time to move on.

Some people get stuck with an ineffective therapist because they like the therapist or because they’re not carefully monitoring results. But good counseling works, and if you don’t notice changes within a few months, find someone else.

Questions to Ask
A good therapist will happily answer your questions, so if you struggle to get information, this is a glaring red flag. Some questions to consider asking in your first few sessions include:

• How long have you been in practice?
• How do you define success? How will we know we’re making progress?
• How long can we expect to be in therapy?
• How much of your practice is devoted to marriage counseling?
• What is your background and training?
• Do you think divorce is ever an option? Would you ever recommend divorce?

References:

1. Harley, W. F., Jr. (n.d.). How to find a good marriage counselor. Marriage Builders. Retrieved from http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7100_counselor.html
2. Meineke, S. A. (n.d.). How to choose a marriage counselor. Center for Marriage. Retrieved from http://www.centerformarriage.com/how_to_choose_marriage_counselor.html
3. Questions to ask a marriage therapist. (n.d.). The National Registry of Marriage Friendly Therapists. Retrieved from http://www.marriagefriendlytherapists.com/questionstoaskatherapist.php

Marriage rates have steadily declined in the United States over the past several decades, and the American Psychological Association states that 40% to 50% of marriages will end in divorce. Marriage may be on the rocks, but few dispute that a happy and healthy marriage can contribute to happier and healthier individuals, as well as better outcomes for the children of such unions.

When relationship conflict inevitably surfaces, whether because of communication problems, differences in values, infidelity, or other issues, it’s important to remember that there are options for struggling couples. If you are experiencing difficulties in your relationship—be it long-term or new, monogamous or polyamorous, heterosexual or same-sex, or any other kind of romantic union—chances are someone else, or another couple, has been through a similar situation. The Internet is an excellent way to connect with other people who have gone to relationship counseling, and to solicit advice about improving or salvaging a relationship.

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As with our previous top 10 lists (depression websites, ADHD websites, and grief and loss websites), we selected the 10 best resources on the web for 2012 related to marriage and couples counseling—GoodTherapy.org excluded—to help people better understand and cope with relationship issues. Among the criteria we used to select our top 10 websites are quality and depth of content, presentation, and functionality.

• National Healthy Marriage Resource Center: The National Healthy Marriage Resource Center is designed to provide high-quality, comprehensive resources on the topic of healthy marriage and relationships. The NHMRC reports on recent research and policy changes, news, and popular topics such as stressors, relationship dynamics, and the effects of different relationship types and cultures.

• Freedom to Marry: An initiative launched by civil rights attorney Evan Wolfson that works to advance marriage equality in the United States, Freedom to Marry provides up-to-date information on same-sex marriage policy changes and news, and strives to educate the public about the importance of marriage equality. Site visitors have access to resources, articles, and other information about LGBTQ issues.

• Smart Marriages: The Coalition for Marriage, Family, and Couples Education: Smart Marriages is an excellent resource for people seeking information about strengthening relationships. From consumers to marriage educators to clergy, visitors can access educational workshops and classes, support groups, and multimedia resources. Smart Marriages also features a blog and provides a member newsletter and information on recent research.

• The Couple Connection: Operated by a leading research organization in England and designed to be a “do-it-yourself” relationship guide, The Couple Connection offers relationship advice in the form of articles, multimedia, and quizzes, and helps you set goals. A counselor-moderated “relationship forum” and one-on-one “listening room” are also provided.

• Love Is Respect: A project of nonprofit Break the Cycle and the National Dating Abuse Hotline, Love is Respect teaches youth and young adults about healthy relationships, dating, and communication. Information about different types of abuse, how to recognize abuse, and how to get help is also offered. Visitors can chat live with “peer advocates” 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

• TwoOfUs.org: TwoOfUs.org is a product of the National Healthy Marriage Resource Center. An expert Q&A and comprehensive news and advice on dating and marriage are offered. Visitors can find videos, interactive quizzes, and a directory of healthy marriage and family programs.

• Talk About Marriage: The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums: Talk About Marriage is a public forum provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory. More than 50,000 members frequent this forum, where topics up for discussion include infidelity and financial problems.

• Love and Life Toolbox: Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT, is a leading educator in the field of marriage counseling. She created The Toolbox at LoveandLifeToolbox.com to educate couples on the correlation between emotional health and relationship well-being. The Toolbox offers a wealth of resources and information on mental and emotional health, marriage and relationships, and couples therapy.

• Marriage Gems: A research-based marriage blog run by Lori Lowe, Marriage Gems presents interviews with marriage experts and blog posts about popular relationship issues in a consumer-friendly format. Visitors can also access free e-books for download and other resources for marriage and relationship information.

• Project Happily Ever After: Project Happily Ever After is a blog run by Alisa Bowman that details her personal journey from the brink of divorce to falling in love again with her husband. The site covers topics ranging from affairs to intimacy and answers frequently asked marriage questions. In addition to marriage advice, Project Happily Ever After offers a free e-book, marriage resource links, and a newsletter subscription.

Recommend websites for our Top 10 awards here.

Anyone who has been through a divorce knows very well that it can invoke the worst parts of the self. Divorce is consistently associated with contention, negativity, bad behavior, and a sense of loss of integrity. This is completely understandable, since the experience of divorce so often invokes feelings of fear, shame, anger, and resentment. When a marriage ends, these dreaded emotional states uncontrollably surface without warning or even awareness. Learning to manage these intolerable states of being is a crucial aspect of transitioning through divorce with integrity and an intact sense of self.

Since divorce generates such an intense state of suffering, it seems logical to turn to the teachings of the Buddha to help turn this painful life transition into an opportunity for learning and growth. Coincidentally, the Buddha’s wisdom and the teachings of Buddhism stem from the young prince Siddhartha’s disillusionment when the reality of the pain and suffering in the world shattered the perfect world image his father had tried to impart on him. Not too different from the illusion we create for ourselves with the ever-after dreams of marriage and the harsh reality that comes with divorce.

“Buddhist teachings are not a religion, they are a science of the mind.” —The Dalai Lama

Here are six Buddhist teachings that can help you remain open, and reduce your suffering, as you manage the transition of divorce:

Attachments
When divorce strikes, the past, present, and future are all up for grabs. Everything you thought you knew to be true is now in question. In the face of ambiguity and uncertainty, your instinct will be to grasp at what you know and once had, but according to the Buddha these attachments create suffering. Learning to release your attachments to any particular outcomes in the past, present, or future will lead to a more peaceful existence. Trying to control things only invokes feelings of frustration because most of the things you are dealing with are completely out of your control. When you grasp and cling to what you think you “know,” you are creating unnecessary suffering.

Compassion
The Buddha recognizes that while it might be relatively easy to generate compassion for friends and loved ones, it is extremely difficult to have compassion for someone we dislike or who has mistreated us in some way. While the tendency might be to avoid this person (most likely an ex), the Buddha would see this person as the heart of his spiritual practice, a challenge to develop positive qualities. Compassion is the flip side of anger; it keeps the heart open when it wants to close off with fear. Compassion is fostered by remaining connected, no matter how painful it may be. Maintaining compassion through divorce is a feat, but it will ensure that your loving nature remains intact.

Karma
The law of karma is the universal principle of actions and reactions or causes and effects. Everything you do or say in your daily life is the cause of your own suffering or your own happiness. Buddha would advise that you not look for answers outside of yourself, nor should you believe that you are a victim of a random universe. While you may feel like a victim of your divorce, karma is your key to taking responsibility for what comes in and out of your world. The word karma means “action” or “deed”—actions and deeds that impact only you and the space you inhabit on this earth. Once you take responsibility for your actions, you can actively change your karma, and ultimately your present and future circumstances.

“Pain is inevitable in life, but suffering is optional.” —The Buddha

Mindfulness
Mindfulness is the capacity to remain in the present moment. It is the ability to pay attention and to become aware of the intention behind what we do. The Buddha would recommend that you utilize the clarity that mindfulness brings to stop clinging to the past and the future, to live presently in the here and now. When we are not mindful, we remain in a state of being that is encumbered with criticism, judgment, and a need to be right. Mindfulness and its nonjudging, respectful awareness can help you to respond and to gain perspective, balance, and freedom. Stepping back and being an observer of events provides the greatest opportunity for acting with complete integrity and honor.

Aversion
One of the most fundamental teachings of the Buddha is that pain is an unavoidable part of the natural world, and suffering is our reaction to the inevitable pain of life. Divorce is one of those unavoidably painful life experiences, but as the Buddha would attest, it doesn’t have to involve suffering. Like touching a hot stove, our first reaction to pain is to move away. Our aversion to the pain creates more suffering and reduces the opportunity to heal. Suffering is directly related to resisting the reality of what you are dealing with. Instead, the Buddha would suggest doing what you can to restore balance, to let things take their course. Complete avoidance will only prolong the pain.

Impermanence
In Buddhism, impermanence is referred to as Anicca— the truth of impermanence. It is the belief that all of our experiences are constantly changing, and that nothing is permanent. One of the greatest causes of pain during divorce is the feeling that things will never be the same, and that what you feel now will last forever. The Buddha would apply the wisdom of Anicca to maintain a sense of calm and perspective through the grief and loss of divorce. Remembering that nothing in life is permanent will help you to not feel bogged down or to lose yourself in what feels like an eternal experience of pain and discomfort.