Are you a person who takes care of everyone else before yourself? Do you believe you should put yourself last? If you routinely take care of others’ needs before your own, then you may have codependent tendencies. In a relationship, codependent behaviors can potentially sabotage your relationship success. If you neglect your personal needs and wishes and care for others instead, then you may begin to feel resentful and empty. Taking care of yourself enables you to then be available to take care of others.

Codependent Behaviors

Let’s explore some codependent behaviors. Ask yourself the following questions:

• When you are criticized, do you become defensive and angry because your behavior was questioned?
• Do you feel better about yourself when you are helping (and only when you are helping) others?
• Do you settle for being needed when you really want to be truly loved?
• If you are a caretaker, do you anticipate others’ needs?
• Do you feel responsible for others’ feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being or their lack of the aforementioned topics?
• Do you find it easy to change your plans for another person’s needs?
• Do you often feel angry and used even though you choose to ignore yourself?
• Do you always say “yes” even when you want to say “no?”
• Do you say “yes” even when it is not in your best interest?
• Do you feel you do more than your fair share?

If you tell yourself that your circumstance will improve later, get depressed or sick without understanding the reason why, over-eat, feel overextended, or if you stay busy to keep from addressing the issues you need to address, you may be in a state of denial.

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Do you find it difficult to feel joy, to have fun, or to do something at the spur of the moment? Do you find it hard to enjoy sex? Do you have sex when you really don’t want to have sex? Do you make up reasons to avoid having sex? Do you have sex when you really just want to be held and loved? Do you look for happiness in others and not within yourself? Do you choose partners who are not available (physically or emotionally) to love you? Do you stay in a relationship long after it is clear it is not working? Do you think you are not loveable? Is your communication poor? Do you blame, threaten, or beg for your needs to be met? Do you ask for your needs and wants indirectly, thinking people will just know what your needs are because they love you enough? Do you think what you have to say is unimportant? Do you avoid talking about yourself, thoughts, or dreams? Do you ignore your thoughts without voicing them? Do you fail to voice your opinions for fear of being rejected or put down?

From an early age, women are usually taught about the importance of nurturing and taking care of others. Mothers generally focus on meeting the needs of the children, husband, and household before addressing their own needs. Simultaneously, society and the media send women the message that they must be perfect. They are given the message they need to be thin, beautiful, young, perfectly dressed, and in all ways flawless. Men are taught to be outwardly strong. They are taught it is acceptable to be angry, but not sad, vulnerable, or outwardly emotional. These incorrect, constant messages will destroy us if we allow them to.

Do you often feel overwhelmed, depressed, or anxious? Are there times where you feel like an empty shell wanting to isolate yourself from the world? Do you also find it difficult to connect with others? If so, it may indicate that certain needs aren’t being addressed. Addressing neglected aspects of your inner and outer world is related to self-care.

What is “Self-Care?”

Self-care can have a different meaning for each of us. Essentially, self-care is associated with taking care of your needs, asserting yourself to increase the possibility of those needs being met, and monitoring your time and energy given to others. To feel balanced in today’s world, we must address both our inner and outer needs. Taking care of yourself will allow you to be there for your relationship. It will allow you to feel the Goddess or God you truly are inside. Your partner will respond to you in a more positive manner, and emotional intimacy will be more easily deepened when your needs are satisfied.

As parents, we get caught up in the family fast track. We are consumed by school, homework, little league, karate, dance class, and on and on. There is little time left to focus on self-care. Parents get caught in this cycle, leaving little to no energy left to meet their own physical, emotional, mental, or spiritual needs. There is no time left for themselves, much less their intimate relationships.

When we neglect self-care by focusing on trying to meet the needs of others before taking care of ourselves, we can lose our identity and power. We also harvest a great amount of resentment and self-hatred when we neglect ourselves. Ultimately, it is when we connect and address our needs that we can find balance and happiness. When this happens, we can give to others from a full heart. In other words, we can enhance our relationships by taking care of ourselves.

The list of things you can do to develop a self-care practice is endless! Learning to respond to your needs with acceptance, compassion, and a willingness to make healthy changes can begin to bring balance into your life and allow you to connect with joy. Self-care does not mean spending money. A spa day or week is great, but self-care can mean much more than having services performed.

Make a list of your needs: spiritual, emotional, physical, intellectual, and relationship intimacy needs. Under each heading, record activities that will support self-care in that area. Keep space for additions as you think of them.

Here are some suggestions:

• Journaling, meditating, yoga class, moving to your favorite music, taking time to enjoy your favorite music, lunch with the girls/guys, overnight romantic time with your honey, walk in the rain, bubble bath with candles and music, taking a lunch to the river, reading a book, or anything you enjoy. Search your soul for those things that really nurture you.
• Make a list of things that nourish your spirit and make you come alive. Is it music, art, writing, cooking, or dancing? If you’re not sure what would be on this list, then explore new activities or hobbies.
• Connecting with nature can be extremely nurturing. Take a walk on the beach or in a park and really listen to the surrounding sounds and sights. Allow your senses to open and let yourself be nourished by nature. “Taking time to smell the roses” is good advice after all.
• Laughter can be the best medicine. Play. Play with your partner. Find ways to put humor and playfulness into your everyday living. Let that “inner child” out often. Allow yourself to be silly. Allow yourself to enjoy. Allow yourself JOY.When you are filled with joy, even part of the time, all of your relationships will benefit, not just your romantic relationship.

Accept the fact that the road of life will have bumps. Instead of resisting or personalizing these bumps, accept that there are things you cannot change. Realize that the only thing you truly have control over is yourself. Be present in what is happening in your life. Reflect on whether you’re responding to your emotional, mental, spiritual, or physical needs. Are you taking good care of both outer and inner needs? Are you listening to your inner voice when it tells you to slow down, set boundaries, take care of your body, rest, or exercise?

Take care of yourself. Have fun. Life is short, so enjoy every moment. May your day be interspersed with joy.

Conventional wisdom says that having conflict in a partnership is “bad.” Most couples perceive conflict or its lack as a measure of a relationship’s strength or weakness. The truth is that conflict in itself is not bad; in fact it is a necessary part of every relationship.

How could you truly be emotionally intimate with another person, live with them day in and day out, experience all the frustrations of life and not have conflict? If there is no conflict, one partner is not speaking up.

Conflict is not only vital to an authentic and genuine connection; it is the route to discovering your partner’s likes and dislikes, needs and desires. The process of exploring your differences and building consensus teaches you about your partner’s depth and character. Meeting conflict head on is the very path that bolsters connection; facing and embracing discord strengthens the bond between you and drives your relationship to a deeper, more intimate level.

In our practice, Alisa and Trey have come for their first Couple to Couple® coaching session with me and Bob:
Alisa: “You don’t make me a priority! Our marriage is the last thing on your list.”
Trey: “What do you mean? I work 70 hours a week to give you the lifestyle you have.”
Alisa: “You just don’t get it. It’s the little things that matter more to me. When was the last time you planned a date for us?”
Trey: “You only work part-time; why haven’t you planned a date?”

The dialogue between Alisa and Trey is a common example of how couples experience conflict; anger and blame underlie their exchange. Notice how often the word “you” is used in their short conversation: eight times to be exact. The word “I” is used only once.

In conflict couples’ use of “you” reflects each partner’s belief that the other is doing, saying or feeling something “wrong;” which naturally implies that the other person is “right.” Thus the “right – wrong” tug of war is born. In this mode of dialogue, anger escalates and each partner becomes more entrenched in his/her own position, making resolution even more elusive. Without attention, resentment, hostility and passive-aggressiveness grow in a dark and veiled fashion. The fate of the relationship will ultimately be decided by the way conflict is handled.

Unless parents model embracing conflict, we most likely will not learn conflict resolution skills growing up. When differences arise, we respond in the way nature has biologically wired us. Our fight or flight survival instinct, which kept us alive in cave man days, prompts us physiologically to respond to a threat by fighting off or fleeing the danger. When our partner comes at us with anger and blame, heart rate and blood pressure increase, adrenaline pumps, pupils dilate, hearing becomes more acute and blood flows away from our arms and legs and to our muscles so we can prepare to fight off the threat or run away from it as fast as we can.

Each of us has our predominant or typical way of responding, usually a result of the healthy or “not so healthy” lessons we learned and practiced throughout our lives.  Ask yourself, when conflict occurs do I typically get angry and fight, or do I withdraw and flee? Do I engage and move into the conflict or do I avoid and move away from the conflict “sweeping it under the rug?”

With couples, several outcomes result when two people engage.  If both you and your partner fight, there will be arguments that escalate. If you both avoid conflict, a standoff will occur resulting in a chasm that separates the two of you.  Since avoidance creates more avoidance, partners end up living parallel lives without much emotional intimacy. In a relationship where one person withdraws and the other one fights the result will be one partner angrily pursuing the other; or one withdrawing so much that the angry partner gets frustrated and gives up. None of these patterns are healthy.

Paradoxically what couples need most is a way to avoid, “avoiding conflict” or a healthy way to “fight.”  When you don’t avoid or get rapt in conflict and, instead, embrace your relationship “in trouble” as you would embrace a wounded child, you take the first step on a new and exciting path that will transform your partnership.  Taking on the conflict, averts the ensuing poison and prevents the potential crippling effects on each other’s self-esteem.

So how do couples resolve conflict? Here are the steps:
1)   Consciously acknowledge your fight or flight response when you become angry.
2)   Mutually agree to explore the disagreement in a respectful way.
3)   Take turns expressing thoughts and feelings, one at a time, without interrupting.
4)   Use “I” statements to avoid blame and own your feelings.
5)   Listen between the lines for understanding and meaning.
6)   Be “curious” about your partner’s point of view.
7)   Talk until you can “make your partner’s case” as well as your own.
8)   Remember the goal is not to figure out who is right or wrong, but to understand each other’s position.
9)   Then and only then, can you problem solve.

Ironically without the very conflict that tears at the fabric of our connection, you cannot achieve the deepest degree of intimacy. There is some truth to the old saying, “No pain, no gain.” Leveraging conflict stimulates the growth of you and your partner and, most importantly, of the third entity – the relationship itself.

As partners discover how to manage conflict, the vital connection begins to materialize.  A vision of you and your partner turning toward each other, rather than away, emerges no matter what the circumstances, bringing a sense of security and trust. You become strong in your belief that your partner would never intentionally hurt you, so when he/she does, you work on resolving the issue and forgiving, i.e. letting go of the anger.

What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility.
-Leo Tolstoy

Miraculously the two of you engage in actively embracing and resolving issues; being direct and honest with each other; disciplining yourselves to practice empathy; and taking care not to hurt the other, despite your individual differences. You and your partner will discover a new resilience, a new peace and an inner confidence knowing that no matter what arises, the two of you will work it through.

A good marriage is the union of two good forgivers.
-Ruth Bell Graham

In this newly created relationship, the two of you will feel bound in the healthiest aspects of a relationship waiting for you.  You begin to honor and respect your partner anew, and your commitment flourishes.  All seems secure in the relationship that you’re living – it is the dawn of a spiritual connection that you have consciously co-created.

When we describe the relationship between mother and infant, we understand that baby and mother are one. In that symbiotic relationship, there is merger. There are not two separate selves with their own subjectivities who are relating to one another. (One’s subjectivity is the unique way in which we perceive our self and the world.) Our selves and subjectivities develop as we grow from infant to child to adolescent to adult.  When two people come together with their subjectivities, they are relating as two different people. When the processes of separation and individuation have been problematic, the development of one’s unique subjectivity is impaired. The ability to consider someone else’s subjectivity is also not developed. This makes relationship difficult. When a self is undeveloped in a relationship, there is no “other” to connect to.

Ken has been married for 15 months to Ellen. They met when he was finishing law school and she was teaching at the local high school. Ken loved her. She was smart and pretty and Ken was excited about making a life with her and starting a family.  Ken was an optimist and nothing seemed more wonderful to him than the thought of their future together. It came as a shock when Ellen told Ken that she didn’t want to be married to him any more. She said it was nothing about him, but that she was just not as happy as she wanted to be and thought they should end the marriage. This was what Ken told me when he came to see me for therapy. (more…)

This month our Paramita, or practice on the path towards happiness, is patience. The practice of patience involves a shift in our perspective. Buddhist teacher Sylvia Boorstein says patience “…remains present as long as the mind remembers that things end…when their conditioning causes end…” Conditioning causes are the elements that are coming together in this particular place and time that are causing us stress. In other words, have patience, this too shall pass.

Stress could, in fact, be celebrated as the only opportunity we have to practice patience. Of course, our habitual tendency is to react against stress rather than greet it with enthusiasm, but that doesn’t mean it’s impossible to do so. Try it sometime.

We sometimes object to the idea of patience, as if it will make us passive patsies and “someone will get away with something” (oh, no!). Holding this attitude, we ignore the depth of harm we do in our impatience, and also misinterpret the actual practice of patience. Patience isn’t standing by while harm is done to us or to someone else. It is not about letting someone take advantage of us or abuse us. Patience is the capacity to calm the mind under stress so we can see our way clearly. In an abusive situation, for example, patience can lead us to make a plan for our safety, and come up with an exit strategy that will actually accomplish our freedom. Impatience can lead to running out of the house without clothes or money or any support at all, and where does that end up? Not in a good place, usually.

What Does Patience Have to Do with Happiness?

Patience is the antidote to anger. If we are irritated or angry or even feel violent impulses, we can actually learn to wait until the feelings pass, which they will. Anger can be difficult to work with, because it so strongly compels us to action. We often feel we will have no relief until we let it all out. In truth, we always do harm when we act out of anger, whether towards another being, a circumstance, or ourselves.

Patience comes from having confidence, born of awareness, practice, and experience that the storm will pass, and that if we ride it out, all will be well again. I recently heard a woman on the radio describing her radical approach to conflict in intimate relationships; instead of “Never go to bed angry” she suggested just going to bed, and seeing if you are still angry in the morning. Given the impermanent nature of all emotions, this approach makes sense. If there is something you can do about it, no need to get upset. If there is nothing you can do about it, there is no need to get upset.

[fat_widget_left] The therapist who changed my life in my mid-twenties used to tell me, “The reward of patience is patience.” I didn’t find that appealing in the least, and I told her so. I may have said, “So what?” or “What’s that got to do with me?” I was impatient and had no interest in slowing down. I could not conceive of any possible benefit to patience. If it was its own reward, that meant nothing to me. Twenty-five years later, I think I may have finally caught on a bit.

When I put some effort into practicing patience in one area, such as in traffic or with a person I might find irritating, then patience is more likely to arise spontaneously, without effort, when I need it most. I was on an airplane recently that had been delayed by weather. We were two hours late taking off, and most of us were going to miss our connections. The man sitting next to me was extremely fretful and frustrated and tense, and I found that I was actually quite relaxed. We chatted a bit, and I tried to cheer him up, but I could see how deeply attached he was to feeling upset. He told me he traveled a lot for business and it was just getting worse and worse. I agreed that air travel has grown pretty unpleasant for most of us, but I noted to myself that, above all, we have the experience we create for ourselves. That day I realized that my efforts to develop patience had paid off—I felt patient without even trying!

What does patience feel like? For me it is relaxing, energizing, with a clear tone, like a bell, and a view that goes on as far as the sky. Patience is the willingness to stop stirring the water of the pond we are trying to look into. Patience sets down the stick and waits for the natural clarity of the settled water to arise. (Of course, as a teacher of mine noted recently, then we can see all the junked tires, tin cans, and skeletons down there on the bottom!)

Patience is trusting our natural minds to know what to do when we stop disrupting and distorting what is actually happening in the here and now, and practice mindfulness.

Now, I eventually ended that plane trip in a miserable heap, having missed too many planes to reach my destination and having a respiratory illness that forced me to make a last-minute decision to just go home. So, patience is not the answer to everything, nor is it guaranteed to stick around all the time. What stands out in my mind is the contrast between myself and that fellow steeped in anxiety on the airplane, and the knowledge that it is possible to feel calm even when our impulses drive us strongly toward distress. The reward of patience is, in fact, patience!

Five Steps to Cultivate Patience:

• Meditate regularly, for 5, 10, or 15 minutes daily.
• Count ten breaths (yes, ten) when feeling stressed.
• Remind yourself that the other person is acting out of pain or ignorance and needs your compassion.
• Remember that this too shall pass.
• Give yourself 24 hours before you act.

What other ways can you find to practice patience?

Many people in relationships feel this way, exasperated because they are doing everything they know how to do to make their partner feel loved. Couples come into my office usually at the end of their rope because they have tried, and tried, and tried to make the marriage work and nothing they have tried seems to be making it better. This is so frustrating for couples. It drains the life out of many marriages and relationships. It pushes people so hard sometimes they end up convincing themselves they just can’t make this marriage work anymore and they end up leaving. This can be frustrating and maddening for people who want to love each other but can’t find a way to do that.

Everyone starts off with the best intentions. Good people work their hardest to make a marriage or relationship work. Usually people have lots of successes in their lives.  They look at their histories and they say to themselves, “Heck, I know how to achieve things. I am a success at school and work. I am good at getting things done. I can accomplish things. I can make this work.”  The best intentions drive people to do things for the other person. That’s our nature. If we choose to be in a relationship, we have decided to do what we can to make it work. (more…)

It seems that most couples struggle with criticism, though some tolerate it better than others. Nevertheless, criticism of, or from, your partner will happen periodically. This post provides an alternative way to manage criticism that may help sidestep defensiveness. Here are some common options when we want to be critical of our partner:

1. Keep our mouths shut, and say nothing. Besides, we all were told that if we didn’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything, right? (This one probably fell in to the category of “do as I say, don’t do as I do.”)
2. Provide unvarnished criticism, regardless of the impact it may have on our partner, and ultimately on the relationship. If it leads to defensiveness, an argument, a fight, so be it, just deal with it.
3. Sugarcoat it, water it down, either because you can’t deal with your reaction to your partner’s reaction to your critical remark, or you want to protect your partner from his/her feelings that surely will arise from being criticized. (“You can’t handle the truth!”) Maybe there is an alternative, an option that satisfies both sides of a chronically thorny equation: On the one hand, how to get your point across without selling yourself out, while on the other hand lowering the odds of running in to defensiveness.

Enter the complaint. Sit alongside that of criticism, let us compare the two, see how they differ, and why it matters. A complaint is about the one complaining, and a criticism is about the other, the listener. Or, the complaint is about me, and a criticism is about you. Take a guess as to which one will usually be easier for the listener to hear: the complaint. Why? A complaint is not about the listener, and therefore tends to lower the risk of listener defensiveness.

Not only that, if I’m talking about me (instead of you) I have a much better chance of being understood. The goal of transforming a criticism into a complaint is to increase the odds of the speaker being heard and understood, while simultaneously reducing the odds of the listener being defensive. Ultimately, the goal of the process is to preserve the closeness and intimacy of the relationship.

Consider the following vignette: On long road trips, the majority of the driving is done by the same partner. One of the difficulties for the passenger is that the driver tends to speed—we’re talking about 90 mph to 95 mph versus the limit of 75 mph. They have never had an accident, nor a speeding ticket, but they are constantly bickering about the speed and the danger. The driver doesn’t understand what the “big deal” is, and the passenger doesn’t think the driver cares about the passenger.

The passenger criticizes: “You are the worst driver ever! For you, it’s all about the speed and the thrill! You have no respect for the fact that you might get us both killed!  And one of these days you will get a ticket—it’s only a matter of time! You have no respect for what it’s like being a passenger when you’re the driver! Nobody likes the way you drive!”

In this case, there is a lot of accusation, attack and judgment, while focusing on the driver/listener.

The passenger complains: “When you drive 95 mph, I feel so scared! I’m am so afraid of speed, that I literally sit in sheer terror when I look at the speedometer, and when I see us pass other cars at what feels like warp speed! And when I tell you how I feel about all of this, it seems to me it doesn’t matter to you. Please understand I am not telling you what to do or not do, I am telling you how I feel and why. After this last trip, I am going to have to re-think whether or not I can drive with you on long trips. I may have to fly and meet you there.

In this instance, the main focus is the passenger, feeling states, and possible decisions about future travel the passenger might make based on experience. There is no attack, judgmental attitude or accusation.

Re-read each one again. The main difference between them is that the critical one is all about the driver, and the complaint is all about the passenger. Bottom line, which way would you rather hear the speaker? No doubt, some of you who are less conflict averse will prefer the direct criticism, or at least might not be derailed by it. Others may want to hone their skill of complaining.

And by the way, complaining is NOT the same as whining! Complaints require that you talk about yourself, not your partner. Complaints are NOT “I” statements. Complaints are descriptive statements about your experience which, indeed, may contain the word “you,” such as, “… when you drive 95 mph I feel scared!” The purpose of the complaint is to detail your experience, make it real for the listener. While generally not responding favorably to demands, listeners do tend to respond more favorably to hearing the speaker’s experiences and behavioral changes the speaker makes in response to their experiences.

Why? Because when I become aware of the impact of my behavior on you, I can then access empathy or compassion for you. That often results in behavior change because ultimately I do not want you to feel bad. On the other hand, while being criticized, which is often experienced as an attack, it will be very difficult, if not impossible, to simultaneously feel empathic. Attack triggers the fight or flight response, not the compassion response.

Is it possible to be critical without attacking? Certainly, but it takes couples working out a system they can both agree on, practice, become comfortable with, and trust. In the meantime, try developing the art of the complaint. Remember—it requires you to talk about yourself, take responsibility for yourself, while not attempting to change your partner.

An expression I have heard many a time is, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything at all.” While I agree that it’s wise to avoid venting aimlessly at someone, shared input does not have to be neutral or nice either. I don’t want to withhold valuable information because I am afraid of how it will be received.

Let’s look at an example: I often reach out to peers when I am looking for support and feedback, not only in the form of kind words, but also through honest and constructive insight and ideas. When ideas are shared in a way that demonstrates compassion and interest, I am more likely to take it in. On the other hand, when I receive feedback that is shared in a mean, sarcastic, or patronizing way, I may react to that and miss a wonderful opportunity for growth.

When anger comes into play, it’s easy to miss the message. If I can avoid feeling defensive or upset, I may be able to hear the message and respond in an appropriate way. If the other person’s anger degrades me or devalues my position, I am more likely to feel the anger, respond in kind, and miss the message.

So how do we do we best express ourselves in the heat of the moment? These situations are tough. Often times, backing out and returning to the conversation later may make it easier to be heard. Realize that when our heart rates increase, there comes a point where the chemicals flooding our bodies will overwhelm the thinking process. At such a point, we lose our ability to best express our wants and needs in an appropriate way.

If you are the recipient of the other person’s anger, and you elect to stay engaged in the conversation, be sure to really think about the message you want to convey. Take a few deep breaths to center yourself. Resist the urge to respond in anger. Your message is not yet lost. Remember that the words you are hearing and the display of anger are not your issue, but a struggle of the other person. Calmly let the person know you are having difficulty listening and may be missing the message. If you say this in a believable way, without a sarcastic or negative tone, the other person may calm down. This will probably confuse the angry person, who is likely expecting a counterattack of some sort.

It can help to agree with some point of the other person’s argument before sharing your own. When sharing your points, humble yourself. Ask if what you are trying to convey is coming out the right way, because maybe you are not doing your best. Take responsibility for your actions or statements. For most people, this candor is refreshing.

Before you start a difficult conversation, tell yourself that you will be able to successfully express your wants and needs in a positive and calm way to best be heard.  Stop sabotaging your efforts with statements like, “It won’t work,”  “I won’t be heard,” or “I can’t calm down.”  You can do this. Your calm and positive attitude has to lead the way.

A new study published in Psychological Science links anger to increased motivation for reward, a feature that some might associate with more positive emotions. Interestingly, this study doesn’t just link anger in general with motivation in general: instead, people actually showed the strongest desire for specific items they associated with anger. The study’s authors relate this tendency to evolution: if food supply is limited, for example, those who feel food-related anger will fight harder to win that food. This backs up one of the chief understandings behind anger management therapy: that anger is a healthy part of adult life, which helps us protect ourselves and meet our needs. But like any strong emotion, there are both healthy and unhealthy ways of channeling it.

Temper tantrums can be very frustrating to deal with. All children have a temper tantrum at one point in time or another. They can happen in the home, school, in grocery stores, although they may not necessarily happen when the child is at another person’s house.

Temper tantrums are a child’s way of expressing anger and frustration at not getting what he or she desires, when there is difficulty expressing feelings, or when he or she know that the tantrum will result in getting what he or she wants.

Parents can be easily frustrated because the tantrums are not always easily dealt with, especially when the tantrum happens in the grocery store. That seems to be more like the child egging on the parents to actually follow through with what the parents say they will do.

Are tantrums a test from the child to the parent? It could be. When a parent is telling a child that he or she can’t do something if he or she has a tantrum, a child will definitely test that theory. When the tantrums happen, the child is looking at the parent to see if the parent is going to follow through with what is said. When the tantrum is “successful” and the parent gives in, then the child knows that tantrums result in getting his or her way.

When the tantrum is not successful the parents don’t give in, they follow through with what was said and the child learns that the tantrum is not the way to deal with things. That’s a hard thing, mostly for the parent. The child can whine, scream, yell and go on for what seems like hours. At the point that the child continues with the tantrum behavior and does not appear to give up, is when the parent tends to give in which only reinforces that the tantrum is the way to go.

Helpful hints:

1. Don’t give in. When the tantrum is not given the attention that is needed to work, the tantrum will fade. As a parent, you will still want to observe your child so they don’t get hurt, or hurt others from their tantrum, but still do not give in.
2. Stay calm. It is difficult to stay calm when a child is having a tantrum but you are the parent, the adult, and still know what’s best for your child. If you have your spouse around, and you are getting frustrated, then do a “tag out” but still both parents stay calm.
3. Speak calmly to your child: that helps to keep you in control of the situation. The child could get louder, but speaking calmly can help shorten the behavior. You can say that when the tantrum is done, then we can talk about the situation.
4. Let your child know what is expected of him or her when they go into the grocery store or other place or activity. You can also let them know that if there is a tantrum then they will not be able to do something later. This is where the follow through needs to happen, so when you say this, make sure the action can be followed through.
5. Validate feelings. When the tantrum is done, tell your child that you knew he was able to regain control.
6. When a child does not have a tantrum where her or she normally would, provide praise for that. That will help increase improved behavior and her own confidence that she does not need to have a tantrum and will be alright when she doesn’t have one.

Why do so many men sabotage relationships and careers? Current cultural stereotypes of men range from bumbling incompetence to aggressive, macho insensitivity. I’ve worked with men in therapy and personal growth workshops for over 25 years, and I’ve identified a type of adult man I call the LATE Men, Lost, Angry Teens, and they are often stuck in an adolescent level of development – literally, LATE to grow into full adult functioning.

We all have four primary internal parts: An Inner Child, a Teenager, an Inner Critic, and a loving, responsible Adult. The Teenager seeks independence, identity, and acceptance with peers. Teens may also become rebellious, angry, confused and withdrawn. Adjustment problems are more likely to occur in distressed or dysfunctional families, where adolescents do not receive the guidance, emotional support, and other resources necessary for healthy maturation and individuation. (more…)

Elijah nicked a mole on his upper lip while shaving one morning. He covered it with tape and went on with his busy day. Managing his fine arts import company and finding distributors that would sell the fine porcelain gave him enormous pride and self-esteem. He enjoyed making a reality out of the unpredictable nature of the business. Rain or shine, sick or not Elijah never missed a day. He always had his finger on the pulse of every part of the trade, and that’s what helped him sleep at night.

Elijah Diagnosis

He didn’t sleep the night his dermatologist diagnosed malignant melanoma from that pesky mole he had found a few weeks ago. It had itched and oozed enough for him to appease his wife and go to the doctor. He had laughed and joked about it, just as he did about most things that may turn out to be bad news. Elijah had been making light of life’s curve balls since he was a kid. It made people laugh. It also made everyone take their eye off the ball and pay the price later. Elijah would just give them a huge slap on the back as if everything was a jest. He never acknowledged his feelings, and pretended to be a happy, humorous person with not a care in the world. He would change the subject when ever anyone talked about something serious, denying them and himself of empathy, comfort, and genuine support.

Pretending All Is Well

Elijah’s joking helped his mother cope when his father got drunk and lost jobs. The boisterous joviality was a great cover for his anger at his father which he refused to discuss. Marvin, on the other hand, was the opposite of his brother. He berated the memory of their father after his parents divorced and openly despised his mother’s helplessness. Elijah cheered her up and sacrificed his childhood to care for her. [fat_widget_left]Elijah ignored his emotions and ended up with malignant melanoma, while Marvin acknowledged his negative feelings and got help to process his traumatic childhood experiences, resulting in a healthier adult life.

Stress Builds

Elijah suffered long-term, constant stress from early in his life. That makes his stress chronic and toxic. It became so much a part of his life that he no longer recognized it as anything unusual. If you asked him about taking care of his mother when she was depressed, getting himself to school, and making sure the household bills were paid, he would probably say it was no big deal. He wasn’t consciously aware of the stress.

Stress Hormones and Melanoma

Elijah’s denial of his emotions is typical of individuals with melanoma. In a 1984 study reported in the Journal of Psychosomatic Research melanoma subjects had little or no awareness of their stress as measured by stress hormones and electrical skin reactions that reflect physiological stress. In contrast, cardiovascular patients and those with no illness were able to recognize and acknowledge their stress. This suggests that melanoma patients were repressing their conscious awareness of stress. As Gabor Mate says in his book When The Body Says No: Understanding The Stress-Disease Connection, “People can experience emotional stress with measurable physical effects on their systems—while managing to sequester their feelings in a place completely beyond conscious awareness.”

Chronic stress, such as that which Elijah experienced, triggers the growth of melanoma cells when skin is exposed to UV rays. The effects of the stress are cumulative over years, striking slowly over time, until that mole is visible. The Journal of the National Cancer Institute, 2010, indicates that the stress hormone norepinephrine increases the number of proteins responsible for accelerating tumor growth. Short pieces of RNA, which normally block these proteins, disrupt the normal cycle of protein production, leaving proteins to morph into oncogenes (cancer producing genes) causing metastatic melanoma. The disease has likely already spread by the time that one mole shows up and gets treated.

The Type C Personality

Many studies have found a series of common coping styles that have been described as “type C” or the “cancer personality.” The most important of these is dealing with negative emotions that trigger stress by suppressing and repressing them. In particular, the repression of anger while pretending to be happy. In order to deflect conflict and maintain relationships type C personalities show an easy going exterior, while living an inner hell. They are more likely to act in ways that are self-sacrificial, appeasing, patient, and accepting. The stress caused by suppression releases massive amounts of hormones that damage the natural cycle of cell growth and death, leading to cancer.

The American Cancer Society reports that there are 48,000 cases of melanoma diagnosed each year, and of those, 8,000 will die from metastatic melanoma. The repression of emotions, especially anger, appears to be a major factor that contributes to chronic stress which stimulates the production of cancer cells. Elijah may have lived his life as a type C person, but he still has a good chance of survival, if he chooses to express his childhood anger and reduces the stress in his body. Acknowledging and expressing his feelings can offer a healthier way of coping without having to pretend, putting his life at even greater risk.