Three Tips for People Who Feel Betrayed by a Partner’s Sex Addiction

Unhappy woman looks down while distressed partner looks onWhen sex addiction surfaces in a relationship, the focus tends to revolve around addressing the symptoms and causes of the addiction and the steps toward healing for the person with the addiction. In the process, the well-being of that person’s partner or spouse may be overlooked. The partner is likely to feel betrayal upon discovering the addictive behaviors of his or her partner. Although there may be times when a spouse suspects or feels something is amiss, many times, spouses are caught totally off-guard, they may feel alone, and it can be hard to consider how to take the next step. It is important for partners and spouses of those with sex addiction to take care of themselves and try to avoid the downward spiral that can threaten them.

Seek Support and Self-Care

It is not uncommon for the betrayed partner to feel pity for his or her partner and focus attention on him or her. When people feel betrayed, it’s important that they take time to care for themselves first so as to build a plan to create structure, reduce anxiety, and get some much needed encouragement and support. A good counselor can be instrumental in providing that support because the counselor functions as an advocate, providing validation, compassion, and clear direction. Some may benefit from joining a support group of other spouses that are going through the same thing. Dependable friends and family can also provide support, especially on those very tough days. Incorporating a healthy lifestyle by getting plenty of rest, eating properly, finding some time for exercise, and scheduling times for fun will give the partner’s body, mind, and spirit the energy it needs to cope with daily stress.

Experience Emotions Fully

The person feeling betrayed may experience a sense of shame that results in the temptation to shut down, or to numb the pain by suppressing the painful feelings. The feelings are there and they are very strong, and it will cause more harm, eventually, than good by stuffing them or hiding them. That is why finding a counselor, having supportive friends, and being a part of a group are extremely important in providing a safe outlet for the partner’s full expression. Whether it’s anger, fear, abandonment, or any number of emotions, sharing those feelings in a safe and healthy way helps work through the grieving process and generate some hope. The hope may not be focused necessarily on the relationship, but on the person’s recognition that he or she can face these feelings of betrayal and survive, even thrive. The feelings are very real, and when handled appropriately, openly, and with care, some of the intense weight may be lifted.

Set Boundaries

The critical time to establish boundaries with a partner who has sex addiction is when the other partner is most hurt and vulnerable. This will help establish a place of safety for the person who feels hurt. Boundaries may include removing Internet access, changing what comes through the TV, establishing a bank account to insure bills are covered, and removing any offensive material from the home. If consequences are tied to the boundaries, it’s important that they are followed through with or they will not be taken seriously. This can be vital in creating some order to what feels like chaos.

There is no magical formula for healing a person’s experience of betrayal by a partner experiencing sex addiction, and every day is a new battle that can feel out of control if specific steps are not taken to handle the overwhelming feelings. The good news is that if these steps are followed, one can find that they are developing strength they never knew they had. The combination of empathy, compassion, and some tough love are necessary to guide a person down a path of healing and then to hope.

© Copyright 2010 by Janie Lacy, LMHC, NCC, CSAT, therapist in Maitland, Florida. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org.

The preceding article was solely written by the author named above. Any views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the preceding article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment below.

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  • Peter

    Peter

    October 25th, 2010 at 11:52 AM

    It is very important that a person should not suffer due to his or her partner’s mistakes and sex addiction is one such a thing or mistake.the spouse should take charge of the situation and should be in a position to make a decision that he or she would want to hold up in the future.

  • Anonymous

    Anonymous

    September 4th, 2016 at 11:06 AM

    Half the advice and comments on this post have been total crap.

    Maybe I’m in the wrong article.
    I’m 25, I’ve always had problems with my attractiveness. I’ve been cheated on and deserted all my life.
    Granted yeah, I’ve got the girls I’m not going to post my list or boast about my notches.

    I got serious about finding a life partner in my early 20s. Yeah I’m still young but I know I’ve walked the hardest path in life. I’m a wealth of real life knowledge.

    I hooked up with a friend from highschool January of last year. Things were great but she seemed to not believe I was in it for the long run. She left me and packed her bags went to Florida. I’m sitting here like, you told me you love me and want to make something of us but you just up and abandon me when I really need you.
    I tried every way I could think of to help her but nothing worked.
    After she hurt me and broke up, I started getting texts from her but I ignored them.
    I couldn’t believe she did this and now has the audacity to text me. No not gonna let you mess with my head woman. I’m already playing Russian Roulette by myself drunk.
    Tldr, I’ve suffered with major depression, insomnia, and bipolar disorder. About 15 years ago I started the long road of PTSD.

    Back story, this young woman is the love of my life I know that now known it for a long time actually.

    Well my problem is and I ask here is because I’m not good at keeping my thoughts together and every time I try to talk to her about it I basically get yelled at.

    She spends all day on her cell phone except when she works her 5 hour job and I know she’s on it then too. She comes home I make her get off her phone for dinner. I will not allow anyone under my roof use crap like that when we’re at the dinner table.
    After that she’s on it till she passes out.
    During our favorite TV shows, not problem but if you have to ask about 8 to 15 what happened during a 45 minute show something’s wrong and really annoying as hell.
    Is Facebook and 4chan really that fking important?
    Tldr, she never puts out it’s been a month. No problem well a little. She never seems interested at all with me she would rather talk to internet people.
    It really feels like I’m all alone and I’m basically taking care of mentally disabled adult that has no desire to interact with the real world or the purple around her.
    If this keeps up I don’t think I can accept that in my life. I’m basically always alone. Granted my money keeps going into stuff she wants, about the only thing my money can maybe be used for the occasional beer. I still get bitched at about it.

    I have no way to cope if I just leave her alone nothing fazed her.

    I know it sounds petty but the thought has crossed my mind to invite a very good and dear friend of mine over just to see if that’ll faze her. Maybe show me a little attention for once.

    Any other girl that talks to me she gets really butt hurt. Tells me every time it happens that she doesn’t like that girl because was flirting with me.
    I HONESTLY don’t see it. I’m in a relationship, and I’m helplessly in love with her. Even though I have my problems with her i still love her.

    So advice time everyone.
    Is there something wrong with me or my image?
    Is she possibly up to something?
    Am I just not good enough?
    Does she possibly feel like she isn’t good enough for me?

    Wtf is the deal here?
    Please give me advice!

  • Susan

    Susan

    September 10th, 2016 at 6:28 PM

    Honestly people wry about the smallest things the world is full of competition and jealously other also like to destroy beautiful things and it tends to become apart of your life eventually it reall all comes down to trust! And the sex part of relationships is called life we work take our families people get worn out and forget to stop and smell the roses lol! That’s my opinion I hope the best for you both!

  • DJ Jenny

    DJ Jenny

    January 31st, 2017 at 4:07 AM

    Nothing is wrong with you , she’s selfish and cold. Sounds to me is that you raising a child not in a relationship with a woman. You teach people how to treat you . You know exactly want in life from a partner , so if she’s not it then stop waisting time and move on . iv got 25 years in with the same asshole and you give anything to be 27 and know what i know .

  • Nancy

    Nancy

    April 10th, 2017 at 9:20 AM

    You deserve better. I know it is hard being alone, but I didn’t meet my soul mate until I was 50 and I was so glad I didn’t settle for less. He is a wonderful man, even though he does have his issues like everybody else. All I know is that he treats me like a Queen and he shows me every day how much he loves me. We have been together for 5 1/2 years now and it is like my life has just begun. I know it is hard to hear this, but dump this girl. If it is meant to be, she will come around. Don’t be the only one making an effort to keep the relationship going. She sounds like a narcissist. I am 56 years old and I have been around the block once or twice and I know a self absorbed person when I see one. Take my advice and let her go. If it is meant to be, she will come back to you. Also, I suffer from major depressive disorder, panic disorder, and childhood PTSD. I understand how you are feeling. Hang in there.

  • Maisy

    Maisy

    January 30th, 2017 at 2:20 AM

    I met a guy,for the first few months felt so happy and secure in what I thought was a rock solid relationship ,about 6 months into the relationship I used his mobile,in I found lots of apps most were sex sites and found out he had cheated on me ,I also saw video s and read the texts of him having cam sex ,I didn’t stop crying for days finding our relationship had just been based on lies,since I’ve found he has a disgusting obsession about teen girls as young as 16 he is a sex addict a compulsive liar and cheat the problem is I still love him had planned my future with him and just feel so badly hurt let down and suicidal at times I feel I must be a turn off to him and boring for him to do all this if he was happy he wouldn’t be like this,he’s promised he won’t do anything again but I’m mentally damaged by all the lies and disrespect is there any future with somebody like him or should I just give up before he totally destroys me

  • ronald parker

    ronald parker

    October 25th, 2010 at 7:27 PM

    I would like to suggest here that sexual addiction is not only when it leads to a problem where one partner is having sex with over people but also when one partner constantly forces the other into the cr irrespective of whether the other partner is interested or not.This is most often exhibited by men and what I believe is very close to marital rape…?

  • Cara

    Cara

    October 26th, 2010 at 4:47 AM

    I am the betrayed spouse. This is such a hard spot to be in because you have a hard time talking to anyone about how you are feeling. I can do it here because no one knows me but I am mortified to think of having to talk to someone I know about what my husband has done. I am afraid that everyone will think that I am some ice queen, that’ why he turned to porn. Or if only I had been a better wife then he would not have had to go elsewhere to look for this kind of escape or satisfaction or whatever. I try to take care of myself but I guess I really deep down inside do not feel worthy of that. If he did not think that I was worthy of his love then why should I? I know that many readers will look at this article and see it ias so cut and dry, these are the things that have to be done to hael but I am here to tell you that it is not that easy, especially when you do not have anyone to talk to or turn to.

  • Confused

    Confused

    August 10th, 2016 at 4:28 AM

    Hi there I feel u just wrote how I feel so much. I don’t know what to do he is a constant liar about everything I don t know if he is classed with. A sex addiction or with some sort of mental illness. Do u mind me asking are u still with your husband and do u have children ??

  • Kim

    Kim

    August 14th, 2016 at 6:56 PM

    I am leaving my so called husband. I’ve had enough. Been married since Nov 2015 and I busted him March 2016. He’s 52 and has way too many problems that I can handle. Not only is he a sex addict but he accuses me all the time of cheating on him and he’s so insecure! He accuses me because he’s guilty! He’s out of control! I cannot believe I let him fool me when I caught him with porn and he said a guy from work sent it to him! Then in March, he was sexting, screwing a fat pig he knew long ago. Very graphic texts and now I know he sent her pics of his penis on FB messenger and he was masturbating. He’s been going to counseling but I know it won’t work! At a church function he couldn’t take his eyes off a women’s fake boobs in a low cut sundress. Obvious SA still at play. I’m pretty. Thin. Blonde. Doesn’t matter. He says he loves me but he is a sex addict and a fake and a fraud. I do not love him now for all he’s put me through! Going this week to talk to an attorney about an annulment. Dated for almost 3 years! He’s sick and I deserve to be happy. He’s killed my happiness.

  • Stephanie

    Stephanie

    August 14th, 2016 at 9:25 PM

    I am in the same situation.

  • Sammy

    Sammy

    August 24th, 2016 at 6:01 PM

    I have actually been with my husband for 10 years last month – married for 8 (yesterday). It’s like I was blind when I read everything you guys have written. I always knew he had an affinity toward porn, however; it was just two years ago I that I realized to what extent. Constantly going over data on his phone, and wasn’t necessarily smart enough to clean up his tracks. I was never a jealous wife, and never thought much of it, didn’t actually care about the porn – until one day I started to “feel” something was wrong, I set my sites actually on a human that I was familiar with – to my knowledge I was wrong, the offending ‘slut’ was pixels on a screen that was being surfed everywhere – work, home, in the bathroom, in bed with me. I found it as we were in an argument about the data overages, but there was more – he lied and said he was watching videos of offroading etc – well yes, offroading it was.. *sarcastic sneer*. Trying to alleviate the arguing, I was holding his phone and jokingly said ‘hey what’s with all these dating sites?’ expecting him to jump up and deny it – he didn’t.. it was an alternate email with emails back and forth with ‘women’ and profiles with his junk prominently displayed. To be fair he showed remorse and gave me the password – I saw the back and forth with one specific ‘lady’ – Holly was her name… I emailed her.. she emailed me back stating that her name was really Stanley and “her” intent was to extort money from a horny, embarrassed husband that would not dare tell for risk of losing everything. In his emails, Hubby stating constantly that he did not want to hurt me. Although he wrote these emails laying in bed with me. We worked through it, it took some time – but we did it – it was just a few months ago that I laid my head on his chest and said ‘I really do forgive you, you know?’ – I will regret those words as long as I live. 2 weeks ago, we were together at a party, he wanted to leave, I chose for the first time in 10 years to stay. He promptly told me he loved me, kissed me good bye to head home. The next day he picked me up early – we actually went to bed together and then he went out fishing. He has an ‘app’ on his phone (life360 ladies in case you’re interested). I didn’t use this as ‘spyware’ to catch him at anything, he just goes out in the woods alone, and if I don’t hear from him, I can find his location. I had forgotten where he said he was going, so I tapped the app… and it showed him at a familiar lake…. this app also has a history function – I tapped it. It showed him the night before spending a half hour in our ‘prostitution district’ now where we are from, the wh**es are wh**es – dirty, junkies… I actually do volunteer work with them – I feel a little stupid. It took him another 3 days to finally admit that the app wasn’t ‘wrong’ but only after uncovering and exposing about 10 different cover up lies… he told me he paid a prostitute to WATCH HIM masterbate himself. This did result in a violent outburst on both of our parts – I don’t know if I was more mad about the lies, the infidelity or the fact that he degraded an already broken woman… and I didn’t believe him. Who pays to have someone watch? Well – he did! How do I know? Like I said, I do a lot of work with these women and know how to talk their talk, and I found the girl – she was actually honest – granted she thought he was my brother and that she’d ‘lost something’ in the car that night. I did tell her that I fibbed and that he was my husband – I think she felt like I was going to go on the attack, but really – she was working, he was the cheat.
    I am trying to get to the bottom of all of this, I love this man more than I ever thought imaginable, but I am struggling – some days are good, some days are not so much (today was the latter) – however; it was also just 1 week ago today that I met her – I feel destroyed, like our entire relationship I’ve been being played. He did this is the car that I use for work (I actually spend about 12 hours a day in this car… and this is where it happened… I can’t stop thinking about this and my work is suffering).
    I feel like I did something to bring this on, but I can’t for the life of me figure out what that was. I feel like I’m dying inside.

  • Heartbroken

    Heartbroken

    August 24th, 2016 at 10:39 PM

    I have been married to my husband for 22 years. For the last 5 years he has been addicted to online porn sites. At first. I thought he was cause he was a truck driver working in the oilfield in North Dakota, away from home for 8 to 10 weeks. He used the internet, which was better then hiring a hooker. I have better fighting cancer for over 10 years. Over 78 surgeries, gained 30 lbs cause of steroids, and treatments. I am still only 133 lbs, but feel fat. The cancer is in my back, alot of pain. But I never turned him down for sex. He just drinks goes to sleep. I asked him about 5 months ago to stop the porn stuff. He said he agreed and would. He always plays the pity card to all our friends when he goes to the bar. Aww poor Kevin his is terminally ill with cancer. No one ever comes visit me, but oh poor Mary at home while he is at the bar. We live on the beach and across the street is a beach lounge, alot of local. Last weekend, I got to a point I wanted to be intimate, he said great, then he keep saying trust me and I just want to do some different stuff. I was like look it has been months I just want to make love to you, he was excited, then loss interest in the middle. Now you ladies know as well as I do we can tell when a man does. A few days I brought it up and he said it was cause of the acholol. We’ll in 22 years, when he was drinking he would last forever. So I call BULL. So he was at worked three days later, I grab it iPad to use for search, mine was in the bedroom. When I brought it up, type pass code, up comes porn site of fetishes. I was so gross out closed. I haven’t said anything. I am so hurt, I already feel like a burden. I just have fought so hard with this cancer crap.

  • Hopelessly Lost in Love

    Hopelessly Lost in Love

    September 13th, 2016 at 8:47 AM

    Believ you me, i know exactly what you mean about things Not being all cut and dry. I myself am HOPELESSLY/HELPLESSLY IN LOVE with a man whom Not only has a severe (im not sure as to classify it as a porn addictin or a sex addiction. I guess it’s considered tha same difference??) Porn addiction but before me, has also paid for sex. I go back and look at the web history and i see (which i feel like i wouldnt feel/think like i do as bad, if it were JUUST regulare porn websites) that hes been “crusing” like local “hook-up” sites like backpage, craigslist personals, hotlocalsex.com etc. Now he doesnt/hasnt “subscribed” or set up a profile or had any “meetings” behind my back or anything as far as i know but still it make me feel like im not good enough, like he wishs i were yhem or that he wishs he could do to me whats they do in the porn… i dont know what to do, how to react, IF to react, i Have NOONE!! i have No Family, No Friends…

  • Nicole

    Nicole

    September 17th, 2016 at 8:16 AM

    I know exactly, and all too well what you’re feeling, I feel the same way. I just got married to this man I’ve been dating for over 2 years on the 16th of September made it 5 months since we’ve been married. I had to do a little snooping he works for a company that allows him to have another cell phone for his job, and he keeps it locked all the time. I recently found the code and to my surprise there was all these messages and photos of a woman he has been texting with I’m not sure if he has met up with them but the details is graphic. When I Google the numbers they all came back to escort sites. I Love my husband, and my kids adore him. I’m lost I don’t know what to do. I have no family here. I know it’s not me. It’s him he has a problem. So keep that in mind when you think about the situation.

  • ThingsHaveJustGottenWorse

    ThingsHaveJustGottenWorse

    November 16th, 2016 at 4:52 PM

    So since my last comment things have gotten even worse. Hes gone from watching Porn all the time to now he prefers to just masturbate. And i don’t mean like a man normally masturbate i mean that when hes not at work ( which he comes home for his half hour lunch break….and masturbates. When before it was he’d come home for a quickie with me) when hes not at work, he comes home and the sec i leave the room he starts…. When we go yo bed, he starts and it goes all night!! I so frustrated because our sex life is barely there any more and now it seems like he prefers to touch himself then me. And when i call him out on it he gets REALLY MAD and DENIES it!!! I don’t know what to do. I love him and don’t wanna lose him but i cant take feeling so unwanted!!!
    Any advice???

  • Purple

    Purple

    November 27th, 2016 at 6:00 PM

    Hi, I am in the same situation, it is difficult to sleep, eat, let go the anxiety and the need to know what they are doing all day long. I am very unsure in this moment about what to do. But I know that this is hurting me very bad; I think that I am by myself, I cannot trust in him anymore. So it is kind like I preparing myself to leave him. I am not working so I am looking for job, at the same time this occupies my mind in something different for some minutes, I am working in myself, exercising, feeding my mind and speaking with many friends about the situation, I am psychologist also my friends, so it helps me a lot. I am getting stronger for me, at least 30 minutes exercise helps with endorphins and serotonin to keep a better mood. My life cannot go around him but it is all about me. Just waiting, lets see what happens. No easy, lots of cry and anxiety

  • Janie Lacy

    Janie Lacy

    October 26th, 2010 at 7:59 AM

    Hi Cara: I am so sorry for your pain and that you are walking on your journey alone. You are right, when you say that moving toward healing is not “cut and dry.” Each person’s story and journey is different. One of the things, that I have found to be so important is to have a support system. If you do not have a safe place among your family or friends, there are support groups for women that have been sexual betrayed. Perhaps that could be a starting place for you.

  • Cara

    Cara

    October 27th, 2010 at 4:50 AM

    @ Janie: thanks for the concern, and I have been doing a lot of reading, but there is no support group for spouses in my area. I would have to drive three hours for the closest meeting,and they are always on Saturday mornings at 8am. So frustrating. So I do feel very alone in who I can talk to. I have even thought of my minister but I think I would be too ashamed to talk to anyone like this about this. It feels like I am the one who did something wrong.

  • Angela

    Angela

    June 17th, 2012 at 10:45 AM

    Dear Cara,
    You certanly need a support.
    There are many resources and it doesn’t need to be a group.
    I have found one particular site that is helping me through my journey.
    I recommend: recoverynation.com

  • Paul Shepard, Ph.D., CSAT

    Paul Shepard, Ph.D., CSAT

    November 17th, 2010 at 6:45 PM

    Janie, thank you so much for your wise words.

    The spouses of sex addicts are, indeed, largely ignored souls that need the care and boundaries you mention.

    I’ve noticed in my work with clients that since Tiger Woods’ problems and recovery were made public, many people recognize their partners’ sex addiction and have sought professional help. But it’s as you say, they put all their attention on getting care for their partner’s sexual addiction and lose the focus on their own feelings.

    Thanks again for making known such an important issue.

    Regards,

    Paul

  • eva

    eva

    March 2nd, 2011 at 11:27 PM

    Hi cara, i’m sorry to hear that.that is the usual problem when your partner was a sex addict.the most affected is of course the partner.i admire you for your bravery to handle a situation like this.Good luck!

  • Maria

    Maria

    May 31st, 2011 at 12:18 PM

    My situations is different. My spouse is in the military and we are separated for long periods of time. When he returned from Iraq he seemed to have develop a porn addiction. Apparently it is accepted when your deployed. However, it didn’t stop. I begged him to get help but he refused. Then as his luck would have it he got stationed overseas for 2 years. When he comes to visit he sleeps on the couch, refuses me or can not keep an erection. I have found videos of him touching himself also. I don’t know what to do. He refuses to admit his problem and downplays everything. I find myself suspicious of everything he does and I hate it. I start to think about things that happen in the past and I wonder if he has always had a problem. It is hard because as long as he is stationed overseas we can not work this out.

  • Liz

    Liz

    September 4th, 2011 at 7:04 PM

    Hi Im new to this. Im not married but I am in love with a man that we just realized he has a porn addiction. It has effected our sex life. Im writing in because I have trust issues I myself have to deal with and this situation has made it so had to trust him. But u know what all I want to do is help him but my feelings keeo getting in the way. Where we live there is no help. Im still going through all the emotions but happy that he is willing to change. I need as much help and support as he does. Where will I get my support form I have my best friend and another good friend but all I hear is let him go. It just hurts inside that I dont have a shoulder to cry on except his. Although its where I need to be how can we support each other.

  • Nora

    Nora

    August 15th, 2012 at 9:04 AM

    My sex addicted. Boyfriend of 17 years left me months ago. We were in recovery – therapy and 12 step groups (he also had group and psychiatry). He has accused me of not being trustful and now that he was not attracted to me. Nothing makes sense. None of this was brought up in couples counseling. He wants closure – never to see me again, and I want to know why we’re in counseling for 5 years if the foregoing reasons were real. How to reconcile in my mind nearly 20 years with abrupt ending without knowing what happened. If I talk about myself how I feel in front of him he says I am trying to make him feel guilty. None of the counselors will talk to me and I haven’t the finances to see them. Now that he is gone. How can I really heal from this trauma when I don’t know why really left?

  • Jennifer

    Jennifer

    July 12th, 2016 at 5:48 AM

    First of all thank God for removing him from your life. If you don’t have children together be even more thankful. Now go get counseling. ALOT of it. So that you will discover why you got involved with a selfish narcistic addict in the first place and learn how to avoid it in the future. Because if you don’t you WILL find ANOTHER. Maybe not sex addiction but you will find ANOTHER broken man who will suck the life out of you. I am telling you this out of experience. I have had 3 addicts in my life. Alcohol. Drugs. And sex addict. The sex addict almost killed me. Not literally. But I fell so deep into despair I didnt want to live anymore. I didn’t know what was real or what was fantasy. I was lies to so well and so often that I believed I was crazy. No one is worth your mental health. These men do not get better. They will all slip. It is a horrible mental disorder and only a very strong individual can handle what a life with someone with this addiction will be. This is a life time sentence. They never get better. Never.

  • jeah

    jeah

    August 24th, 2012 at 10:17 AM

    i don’t know what to do. I’m soon be married to a guy who has this kind of struggle. He opened it up to me that he has this addiction with the same sex. I feel so betrayed and more… but i still love love him, wanna help him out from this, what am I gonna do?

  • jeah

    jeah

    August 24th, 2012 at 10:33 AM

    He told me everything right then that this happened when he was still small, he was molested by his neighbor, from that time on his perception about sex has been changed. He started going to the place where he felt he was belong, went with the gays until it became a routine. I think this enslaved him. 10 years ago he shared this to me, i thought he’s not into it anymore, but i was wrong, last night he opened it up again that he did it again. I have given him a lot of chances, there was a time he did it with the man that is close to us yet I was able to forgive him, now he did it again , but he said he’s so tired of this,and he wanted to give up. How many times he prayed to just remove this but he can’t he said something’s inside it’s his system that craves. How am I gonna surpass this? how about if we will be married already? how can I help him… I can’t let him go because I love him. my desire is to help him but i don’t know if I could still contain it.

  • Ellen

    Ellen

    August 25th, 2012 at 9:02 PM

    I have been married to a porn addicted man for 35 years. We are now divorcing. The pornography invaded my life from before the beginning of our marriage. I was 15. He was my high school sweetheart. Long story made short, his porn addiction affected my self esteem and self worth. I was embarrassed and ashamed of the problem and did not talk with anyone. I wanted to protect his reputation which I did at the expense of my mental health. He does not acknowledge what his porn has done to me. He tells me to “get over it”. He blames all the marital problems on me. He doesn’t see that his addiction is the core of all our troubles. I wish I had known about the devastating affects of porn addiction before I married him. I have had a lonely marriage because the porn desensitized him. He was not attracted to me because of the porn. It is a sick thing and affects the entire family. He has no guilt. I am finally in therapy and no longer feel the need to protect his reputation. When people ask me why I am divorcing, I tell them my husband put porn before me. I have nothing to hide and am no longer ashamed. After all, I am the victim.

  • Jeneva

    Jeneva

    November 23rd, 2016 at 11:25 AM

    I am also in that situation; engaged and living together with Chris all the while he was lying to me – seeking out porn that involved shemales, femdoms and cuckholding. He was also angry if i questioned anything so to avoid that I did not pry any further; I believed his stories. Until three years in, he moves out while I am out of town, and will not communicate other than to say some bs excuse to hurt me – I’m a beautiful intelligent woman, not “repulsive” to anyone, but he said that to make me feel awful. I can’t get over his cowardness! he couldn’t even talk to me face to face – he is a submissive male wanting to have sex with men or be “pegged” and i just can’t fathom how I let him in my life. He is a dark dark man who is going down a very dark path. I can’t help him; very sad.

  • Nan

    Nan

    August 31st, 2012 at 3:52 AM

    I am in AWWWWW. I have just recently found out what a spouse of SA goes through. It has been my life for 25 years. I have had the chaotic eggshell of a relationship and am just finding out what this is al about. It has been worse living with this not knowing what it was than living with someone you can pin point their addiction. I just always though he was mean mean pervert of a man. Tripolar perv is what I always called him. He has always had his 2 lives apart form each other but reflected on me immensely. I took the blame and abuse for all the years. God sent me this information. After reading and researching this….I have such a peace with me. I have been such a codependant and never knew or realized I was scared of giving this relationship up. My poor children have lived with this but I have taught them to love him minus his downfalls. It all makes so much sense now. Where do I go from here? I am a victim and I have been wronged. It is like click click and I dont want any more to do with him. NOTHING.

  • Christine

    Christine

    September 12th, 2012 at 6:28 PM

    I don’t really know what to do at this point. My husband has been a sex addict for so long, I catch him nearly every single time. I have walked in on him often, I have done everything to support him and help him to stop. Instead he lies to me, ignores me, and once I find out he is at it again it is like it doesnt phase him one bit. This last time I am so disgusted in finding his chats with younger females. i feel so lost, alone, disgusted, betrayed, and i feel blah……i dont even know what to do anymore. I have tried to get his folks to help him as well, i feel like everyone is against me…..he has been in my life for 10 years. This is all I know I have no other family=\

  • Cosmo

    Cosmo

    October 7th, 2012 at 9:26 PM

    Hello. My wide is threatening a divorce. She says I’m a sex addict and I say I’m not. But researching articles I say I am. We have 2 kids together and my family is my world. For me the porn and chat lines are terrible. It not a good thing but I go to them. I decided to go to a sex addiction meeting and see from there. Hopefully this is something your husband will try as well. I believe we can change with work. Sorry to you my wife and anyone else going through this.

  • diane

    diane

    September 13th, 2012 at 8:53 AM

    Unfortunately, after being traumatized by the discover of a partners betrayal and unimaginable behaviours, trying to get help is like being “taken to the second location”. We are immediately accused of being co-addicts or co-dependents, labeled and drafted into a recovery program for our partner that would turn any normal person into a codependent or co-addict person! It’s like brainwashing into an ideology. You have to say “My name is __________, and I’m a codependent and my life has become unmanageable”. My life wasn’t unmanageable at all. His was. I carefully build my support team, avoiding the insulting and abusive CSAT money grabbers and treatment centres and got myself out of the relationship with the help of people like Dr. Barb Steffens and Dr. Omar Minwalla. The codependent model for oppressing partners is well loved by CSATs, many of whom are former sex addicts (make sure you ask yours!) and is just another dressed up version of gaslighting, except you have to pay people to do it to you.
    Even Patrick Carnes daughter took all the co-language out of the newest edition of her book. Be strong, partners of sex addicts, and don’t wear a label that isn’t yours. Yes, some people are codependent, but most of us are just exhibiting the symptoms of PTSD. Get the right kind of help and don’t be taken to the second location—-the CSAT’s office!

  • Janie Lacy

    Janie Lacy

    September 15th, 2012 at 7:43 PM

    Hi Diane, Thank you for your comments and insight. You have shared very good points in your post. I want you to know that not all CSATs follow the “codependent/co-addict model” as it pertains to a sex addict’s spouse. I appreciate the work of Dr. Barb Steffens and Dr. Omar Minwalla. In fact, I am part of an association where Dr. Steffens is on the board. It sounds like you had a bad experience with CSAT’s and for that I am sorry.

  • Jade

    Jade

    September 23rd, 2012 at 6:13 PM

    I have been in a closed relationship with a guy for several months, closed at his request. I then found out he had been seeing/texting/phoning haveing sex with so many others. I confronted him and he was very sad/guilty. we are no longer in a relationship but I am helping him get help. He checked in a behavorial facility this last week. I have not seen him or called him. I would love nothing more than a healthy relationship with him but have no trust. How can I suport him and will I ever find trust?

  • Denise

    Denise

    September 30th, 2012 at 4:41 PM

    My husband of 30yrs. finally confessed on August 20th what I had feared for approx. 10yrs. He had been seeing prostitutes. He quickly blamed me for not wanting sex so he bought it and that he still loved me. He thinks that because it was prostitutes it should be overlooked..after all it wasn’t an affair because he loved me. It’s kinda funny because I started pulling from him because I never felt loved by him. I was an object that he could satisfy himself with. He would position me and had all his gadgets ready..like he was recreating something he had watched on the internet or on one of his porn movies. It felt like rape to me.

    I’m seeking a divorice but he doesn’t have to grant me one for 2yrs and that’s what he’s doing. So..I granted myself a divorice! He’s in therapy and so am I. I cry every day and think it would be easier to just die. But then he would win. I have no self esteem or friends left. I’ve only been with 2 men in my 50yrs. One was a h.s. fling and the 2nd I married. I had to ask my doc for blood work to see if I had any STD’s and then face the women at the lab. I’m ashamed even tho it should be him. He’s looking for a house but is still living with me. I spend most of my time after work just looking for a place to hide. Really…all of this pain over freaking sex? There’s way more to life..isn’t there?

  • TU

    TU

    October 4th, 2012 at 4:26 AM

    What do I say? I spent 30 years with a sex addict. I have been with him since the age of 15. He was sleeping with a girl who lived nearby . He was cheating with porn too. I have found all of this out after 30 years. When we met, he made me give up all my friends and everything else to be with him.
    I wake up now, and I am in my 40’s scared to death. we have 3 children, 2 with Autism Spectrum Disorders.
    I am working on masters in education at the moment, and finding out he isn’t quite right has messed with my head. I feel crazy sometimes, numb, ashamed, and foolish. He is finally sorry for the pain he caused me by putting a whole in my heart, but sorry doesn’t take the pain away. Sometimes I love and hate him in the same day.
    One thing that bothered me was the women I know about, can never be confronted. They knew about me, but didn’t care. They are dirt. So, to help myself, I wrote the letters. Telling them how I felt about their cowardice, and selfishness. How do I fight an unreachable enemy.
    I hope they get cheated on , too. When they do; they will remember the trusting, loving innocent whom they destroyed because they intentionally tried to borrow what wasn’t theirs.
    2 of the women were fellow soldiers. If I could have caught those two, my husband and them would have lost every stripe they had.
    I would have left him, and started over. Any way, I am trying to reconnect with life, but my agoraphobia and panic have made it difficult.
    I will continue to pray for you all here, and please pray for me.

  • nprmu

    nprmu

    October 5th, 2012 at 2:31 AM

    Its 5 am and I am in tears reading all of your posts. Seems as though none of us get much sleep. All of these replies are late at night or ealrly in the morning. I have just confirmed through websites and books that my fiance is an addict. We have been together almost 11 years and just had a baby 5 months ago. I had always suspected that he was a sex addict when I found all of the porn years ago but as they all do he said every guy did it and it was normal. How was I to know different. It was the first time I had caught a boyfriend doing that. Then I found out about the massage parlours he had visited while i was pregnant. Again was told it was nothing but a massage. Both places were on an erotic massage website. I was so hurt and disgusted. Recently it has been strippers and lap dances. He was out of town and seems to think its ok to do when he is “on the road”. I’m sure we would all disagree with that. I know this is a much deeper problem with him. He lost is dad at a young age and his mother never got help for him. He just turns off the switch and disconnects from anything that may cause pain.Whenever you try to approach him to talk about anything that is associated with a feeling he bolts. If it might be embarassing to him he bolts. If I yell (i know I need to control that too) he bolts. He did say last night that he was scared to go to therapy because he doesn’t want them to throw him in a mental hospital. He is very nieve at how things work. But that was the furthest we have ever gotten in a conversation about his need to some kind of therapy. Not just for his addiction to sex but to make him a better partner and father. I dont want to bash him totally. He is a good man deep down. I know there are things I need to work on as well. And I am. i fight everyday for this. I have trust issues because of my fathers affair. It just seems like all the men in my life are scum when it comes to being faithful and caring. I just want this to get better and to work not just for our daughter but for us too. I do love this man. But something has to change….. I too pray for all of you. My heart really goes out to each and every one of you. I truly feel your pain down to my core.

  • Deanna

    Deanna

    February 21st, 2013 at 8:01 AM

    My sa drives a truck too and I found the further away from me he is the more he acts out!

  • Grieving

    Grieving

    October 29th, 2012 at 8:32 AM

    I’m so glad I found this site. I was married to a sex addict for 27 years before he died. I believe his addiction killed him. I can relate to so many posts here. I found gay based porn early on in our marriage and there were signs…He would disappear for hours without telling me where he was. There were 2 prescriptions for Cialis. I found some in our car, along with an almost empty bottle of lubricant. I feel so used and abused and above all, stupid for putting up with this and turning a blind eye to it. I couldn’t talk to him about it, because, if I did, he labeled me as paranoid and acted hurt that I would bring it up. Please, people, don’t wait until it’s too late to address these problems. They could literally kill your loved one.

  • Michelle

    Michelle

    October 30th, 2012 at 10:14 PM

    Hi sex addiction is still new to me. My husband of 15yrs had always looked at porn. We have 4 kids together, one with special needs. I thought of it as not a big deal, all men do it is what I thought. When we would have sex he seemed unemotionally detached sometimes. I later found out that porn was satisfiying him more than I could. Which damaged my self esteem alot sooo it made me try harder to be better at anything that would make him happy. In and out of the bedroom. Even doing things I didn’t really want to do. I met a “female friend” of his, and we got along great. She moved away… he confessed that he had a “one night stand” with her before I met her. We seperated and then “worked things out” again me thinking I needed to be better. He’s had repeated “one night stands” with woman he met online I don’t know if anyone has been in this situation before. All I seemed to read about is men looking at porn or haveing an on going affair. I finally went for counselling for some guidance and learned about sex addiction,I told him about it and he admitts this is his problem. He promised me he’d get help for it so that’s why I stayed. He told me this a year ago… I got a bad feeling that I’m going to get burned for believing him. Meeting his “one night stand” isn’t even the worst of it. This is honestly the only time I have ever wrote about being friend’s with one of his flings. So gald no one knows me one here!! Just wondering if porn is the worst of a spouses sex addiction or am I dealing with something else entirely?

  • Christy

    Christy

    November 8th, 2012 at 8:28 AM

    Wow. Im sitting here reading all of these posts and cant help but feel happy to know Im not alone in this. Ive been damaged by my boyfriends sex addiction. Im so stuck on him it hurts. I know I should leave, he will never get help but why can I not leave.

  • Marin

    Marin

    November 13th, 2012 at 1:56 PM

    About 7 months ago I found out that what I had long suspected was true. My boyfriend of 9 years has had mulitple affairs and has had inappropriate conversations, I guess you could say, internet and text with, as he put it more women then he can count. I have found some of these conversations, and to make matters worse the ones I found also happen to be with people I pretty well. Or thought I did anyway. Several years ago I caught him texting with another women, at that time he said that’s all there was to it. But in my soul I knew he was lying, I just didn’t have any proof. Fast forward about 2 and a half years, after much discussion he admitted to having affairs (not sure how many, 3 I think, but he refuses to give me an exact number…2 I know for sure). It felt like someone pulled the world out from under me. I couldn’t function. Couldn’t think straight, couldn’t comprehend anything. It was the most horrible thing I have even been through. I really thought I was going to loose my mind. Things, for me are better but nowhere near normal. For now I haven’t left. We are both in therapy, he has made drastic changes in certain behaviors (but will they last?)I am now on an anti-depressent / anxiety medication and he is on meds to treat ADHD. We both are also in a 12 step recovery program for substance related issue. We both have 9 years without a drink or a drug. He recently began checking out SA and says their book describes him perfectly. At first I was happy he was seeking that kind of help and I still am but based on what I know about addiction I think I am more scared now then I was when I thought he just had extreme low self esteem issues. It has suddenly dawned on me that addiction never goes away. It can be treated but there’s no cure. There’s a part of me that feels like if I stay there will always be this dark cloud hanging over us. I really don’t want to leave, I can see him seperate from his addiction. That said I have no idea how to do that. No one including my therapist understands what it’s like to walk in my shoes. They really try and have been a great support. Without my friends I do not know if I would still be here. I am desperate to find someone I can talk to who has or is walking this journey. I feel so isolated. There are aspects of his addiction and how it plays out in our sex life that I would rather only share with someone who truly understands. I have searched and searched on line for support groups or 12 step groups. Found a couple of 12 step groups that are supposed to be local to me, called the hotlines, LM’s and haven’t heard back. I hate this! I want to stay for the person he is without the addiction and I don’t want to stay because of the person he becomes with the addiction, it feels like just waiting to be betrayed again. Thank you all for sharing your stories. I am so sorry you too have had to experience this. It is the single most vile thing I have ever felt in my life and I have been through some pretty bad traumas leading up to now. For your sake and mine I wish I didn’t have to say it’s nice to know I’m not alone.

  • JC

    JC

    November 18th, 2012 at 8:10 AM

    Hey. Im pretty new to this and I’m sorry i didn’t have a chance to read everyone’s responses. And I’m sorry to say it is a nice feeling knowing I’m not the only one in a position like this. I would never wish this on anyone, not even an enemy. I’v been married for almost 4 yrs… We have a 2 1/2 y/o son and one on the way. Sad to say my husband has been txtg, emailimg, sending/receiving nude pics/vidoes, on dating sites, etc. Since almost the beginning and even as recently until last week. To be honest I am at my limit and idk how to handle him or this marriage anymore. I always believed him when he apologizes, he always says he doesnt know why he does it and that he has a problem, yet he refuses help for the addiction and refuses marraige counseling. How he is with there women, a lot he calls “just friends,” is a lot different than how how he is with me. He is so much nicer and sweeter and i am just never good enough nor get anything close to positive attn like these other women. I’ve even approached some of them and asked them to not contact my husband anymore and some have just gotten nasty and a cpl even told me this is what’s going to happen if i stay with him (sex btwn him and that woman). I don’t know if he has actually physically cheated but I have caught him many time trying to meet with them or implying it. It’s just really devastating and idk what to do anymore. It’s hard to try and get life back together and even gain confidence again – there is nothing worse than loving someone unconditionally amd giving your all to someone who just doesn’t feel the same way. I have given him so many outs yet he has never took them which makes this so much worse. Even this most recent time, i got an apology and that he will try to be a bettet husband. Not once could he say or to tell me he wants me or or this marriage, even when I ask him, yet he could tell another woman how he would love to wake up to her beautiful eyes, smile and body. I’m just in a bad place right now and idk what the best thing to do anymore. It does make things harder having a child. I dnt want him to be hurt but i don’t want him to be in a dysfunctional family. If anyone has any advice or suggestions, please let me know. My heart goes out to all of you who are dealing with the same thing.

  • Mary

    Mary

    November 29th, 2012 at 8:17 AM

    Marin, I am glad you are both in therapy. I am especially glad you have friends to stand by you. I tried talking to a friend a few years ago. I got the old ‘ boys will be boys’ crap. This was, of course, someone who didn’t have a clue. Lay time I talked to her about this. I would give anything to have someone to talk to who has been there. It takes all I have, not to search for things. I did this forever. Where did it get me? Nowhere….just deeper pain. I’m a sober alcoholic of 12 years & I know about progression. I’m long past the idea of ‘maybe I can drink again’. Not an option. What about sex addicts? Can they ever be with someone and not feel ‘triggered’ to look for another fix somewhere? Can they learn to make love and be thing if us during it? I have lived this for 19 years. Sex, with me ended 6 months ago. It felt disgusting anyway. Years back, I was supposedly, his first lol. I bought it. Then he made ‘bedroom’ requests I thought belonged in a sick x rated movie. He just said it was all his idea & would be fun. My gut kicked in. I checked the computer and I was right. He was using me to imitate what he saw. He cried his eyes out & swore he would stop. I bought it again. Well, I can tell you, just in my experience, it NEVER stopped. He had more excuses and became a master manipulater. He went to therapy then too. I pray things work out for you. I just wanted to share my pathetic life. Thanks for reading :'(

  • Deanna

    Deanna

    February 21st, 2013 at 7:53 AM

    I too am a victim of betrayal. 13 days after our wedding I received a call forwarded from da phone from a hooker in the city where he had stopped. After that we started counseling but when counselor went back to school da wouldn’t find any one else. He then denied it all and said I manipulated the counselor. So really the honesty never came and he told a few things but not all. I say these things because no matter how rough our situation is I can find a worse one. This past summer I found out he has had a long term strait and he won’t even be a msn and own up to it so i started taping conversations and he says I love you to her and that broke my heart. The email address is good if u need to talk

  • Catalina

    Catalina

    November 28th, 2012 at 2:03 AM

    I read all the posts here, and identify with something in every one. I have been married 26 years, minus one in which he left me for another woman. He came back, we went to therapy for a long time. I thought we were on the right track. Then I saw he was occasionally using internet porn. We put a filter on the computer, but I didn’t know there were still millions of sites out there that are unrated. So yesterday I was doing a routine cleaning of the computer and found a back-log of porn sites. I feel like I’m going through the trauma of him leaving me all over again like he did 12 years ago. I’m disabled, bankrupt, and literally can’t afford a divorce so I’m living with him. Most of the time we like each other and are good companions, but there are these terrible regressions, and this latest one feels like I’ve been kicked in the stomach. I saw all these young anorexic models on the sites he had visited, and although I know in my head not to take it personally–that it is his problem–it is hard not to feel really old and ugly and hideous. I’m also really alone, partly because my disability isolates me. I can’t drive to therapy or afford it, and there’s nothing decent in my area–I’ve tried. I can’t sleep tonight, I feel so traumatized by what he’s done, all the secrets he’s kept, the common repeating theme of deception and betrayal, and my feeling stuck with this. Thanks to any who read this, thanks to this site for being a place to vent. I will find a way to make it through this. He is taking steps to get help and asked me to lock him out of our computer. I just hope he won’t go have another affair or engage in some other form of risky behavior if he doesn’t have access to internet porn. Obviously he has to learn some better ways of coping with stress. Meanwhile no matter how much I’ve approached him for intimacy, I’ve been rejected to the point where it is too humiliating to even keep trying. In Quaker tradition, I “hold you (all), along with me and my spouse in the Light” for comfort, consolation, wisdom, and healing.

  • Mary

    Mary

    November 29th, 2012 at 7:11 AM

    I understand all too well how you feel. My life is very close to yours. Would you believe, I grew up being physically/ sexually/ emotionally abused. My father broke my nose 3 times. I then married a sex addict who abused me in ways I never dreamed possible. Then I met someone, left him & here I am today with…of course another sex addict. We have been together for 19 years. In the beginning, I was ‘in love for what felt like the first time ever! Too bad, I was in love alone. Took me years to catch on. Even when caught, he still lied. He wrote the book on minimize, justify & defend. If I had a dollar for every time he said he would stop, I could buy an island. He went from strip clubs, porn on house & work computers, massages in poker rooms by known prostitutes and I don’t even know what else in the parking lot. I’ve slept on the couch for 4 years. I don’t care about that. I hurt so much. He never stops, he just finds new ways to hide what he’s doing. I feel so alone, angry & you name it. Last summer, I told him to never touch me again. I feel dirty if he just looks at me. I told him countless times that I never signed up for this…I just wanted to love him & be loved back. Not anymore. I want nothing from him…ever. My heart goes out to everyone here . I wish better days to all.

  • pam

    pam

    October 15th, 2014 at 1:05 AM

    I got chills while reading your post. Does your boyfriend drive a motorcycle? What tatoo of his stands out the most? I am so sorry for all the questions but the description you gave sounds identical to someone I know. Please don’t b e offended, but I really think your answers can help

  • Confused

    Confused

    December 10th, 2012 at 2:33 PM

    My husband is a sex addict and has a porn addiction. This has been the most devastating time of my life. We have been together for over 2 years and we have had problems. My husband is a good man. But, when he is seeking other woman or is watching the porn, he is a different person. I have done everything I know to do to help him. This is a cycle for us. Over and over. When I confront him or find out, he stops for a while. I need to be strong enough to leave. I want to help him, but he has to want to be helped. He doesn’t think he has a problem. Each day is very lonely. I love him, but I can’t save him. He has broken me inside and I have to heal. I can’t heal while I am with him and I can’t trust him and he continues to do the same things over and over

  • Barley Betty

    Barley Betty

    January 3rd, 2013 at 4:51 PM

    I am not married nor have been in a long term relationship with an addict. However, I have been dating one for 7 months. We’ve been friends for 4 years but I just recently found out about his addiction. He has an addiction from the same sex. There is a friend of ours hes met on many occasions. I recently caught him hiding a conversation with this man and was curious. I saw that the message was to organize another meeting… I was upset. I thought I should just leave… not put myself through such pain. He broke down and begged me for help. We both love each other and have a connection unlike any other. It’s the real deal. I just don’t know what to do.. I mean I’m only a woman… How can I satisfy him enough to ease off his cravings for men? I want to help but I don’t know what to do…

  • Jonathan

    Jonathan

    January 25th, 2013 at 1:27 AM

    Let me start by saying that I didn’t know my wife of 3 years is a sex addict. I found out when we went to counseling after the first affair she had. A specialist that the counselor we were seeing diagnosed her as a sex addict. Of coarse she laughed it off and asked me did I think she was a sex addict. Well now I can answer a definitive yes!!
    I thought that the counseling had helped. But on occasion I still had my suspicions so on occasion I monitored her conversations. I was appalled to here her talking to a co worker about an affair she had with another co worker. Of course she’s denying that it was a recent incident and claimed that it happened before we were together. But I do not believe her.
    These co workers are former co workers of mine. (I am now retired from this job) So she has also humiliated me in front of these people. (The first affair was also with one of these co workers) I love my wife and would like for things to work out. But I don’t see how it can. She has serious issues from her past that created this problem.
    I am ready to throw in the towel but thought I would try to get some GOOD advice from some reliable web sites dedicated to this problem.
    The counseling that we went to originally has apparently done no good.
    I believe there have been other affairs that I do not know about. So other than getting a divorce lawyer I have no idea what to do.
    HELP!!

  • Tammy

    Tammy

    January 28th, 2013 at 11:05 AM

    Hi I believe that my husband has a sexual addiction because he has cheated on me maybe 10 times since we’ve been together over the 7 years. also he still goes on chate lines and talk to different females and make them believe that he’s someone that he’s not. I dont know how long I could go on like this with him, but I dont want to leave him when he has a problem. I’ve asked him to go for help and we have seek councelling has a couple but he never complete it cause he doesnt see that he has a problem. I dont know what else to do but I cant live like this anymore please help

  • Melanie

    Melanie

    February 7th, 2013 at 5:29 AM

    Hey Tammy…I think you said the magic words: “I can’t live like this anymore.” You’re right. You can’t. So, change your life.

    Change is hard…so hard…but it’s so worth it. You won’t even begin to fully understand how bad things really are until you get out and see how good they can actually be. I’m in the middle of divorcing my sex/porn/chat/teen? addicted husband, and while divorce is no picnic, living on my own terms is amazing.

    You can’t change him. Even if he agreed he had a problem, you can’t fix it for him. All you can change is yourself, and it sounds like you’re almost ready to start. I wish you lots of luck and all the best on this journey.

  • Anne

    Anne

    February 6th, 2013 at 11:47 PM

    I can SO relate to everyone’s comments as my husband has been lying about strip clubs and porn viewing behaviors (mostly tv when I was at work) apparently for quite some time. The betrayal and lack of trust was overwhelming. He was the one who admonished our college kids if they didn’t go to church… anyway, over the last several years (while trying different counselors) I found recoverynation.com and Barb Steffens PTSD model of great help. While my spouse is in counseling, I find I still need help with everyday triggers ~ the newspaper strip club ads in sports, the Hardee’s commercials that look like porn, the “meat tops” I see teens wear.. although I dismissed this prior; now it is really hard for me since my “eyes have been opened”. Any suggestions?

  • Ashley

    Ashley

    October 8th, 2015 at 6:42 PM

    read up on radical feminism. Now that the scales have fallen from your eyes it will probably make perfect sense to you, and hopefully make you feel less alone.

  • roni

    roni

    March 24th, 2013 at 4:19 PM

    I just left my sex addict/alcoholic. We were married year ago November. He has been on dating sex sites the whole time, talking to women, porn etc., like all of you have stated it is just baffling. I just moved out and I am going to file for a divorce as soon as possible. It was destroying my health and I was constantly stressed out and just in disbelief. I don’t believe staying for me would help anyone. I would have died at a early age if I would have stayed. He is in denial and will not change so my life was more valuable than that. Good luck to you all. i already feel better.

  • emma

    emma

    April 4th, 2013 at 11:38 AM

    my husband and I are going through this now (married 2 years). I left my home in Australia to move to Mexico to marry my husband. At most we are very happy, we don’t fight, finance issues are big. My husband hasn’t had sex with anyone else or gone to strip clubs. we go everywhere together. He is struggling with porn, flirting and skype and he prefers to masterbate then have sex with me. all his friends tell him how perfect i am for him and all that….. he met women in his previous job at a resort and has kept in contact with them, most are married and all have lots of money. He got into an email, facebook (2nd account) and skype relationships with them. I found out about all of them and confronted him and i even sent a message to one of the women’s sister who intern told her husband. the worst part was on my 31st birthday this year i received messages to my ipod from women he was messaging and i read all their dirty messages. he said its just a game he likes to see how far he can get them to go, once they want to come visit him he stops. He was seeing a sex therapist which did help but the problem is he now thinks in his mind he can’t have sex with anyone not even me, we go weeks with out having sex or being close. He says he is embrassed to talk to me about it. I am so frustrated and being in a country that is not mine and that I don’t yet speak the language, im lonely. He has told me he has stopped with the messaging and he has made a big change which I can see. he is used to being free, doing what he wants and having as many women as he wants he says he feels trapped and in jail. he has said Im the best thing that has happened to him, ive taught him to love and that it’s ok to have someone love you and support you. it is something that he has never had even as a child. now he is lost, wants to have sex with me but can’t get started, i put myself out there and try new things to not make sex boring. he just wants to have sex with another women or at least a threesome. I don’t know what to think, i guess like many i assumed it was all my fault and is me. I can see from reading here that it isn’t. I love my husband and the life we are trying to create but I am frustrated, living in mexico is not easy. we are lucky to have $20 between us right now, i want to be here i want to be with my husband. This is my 2nd marriage i don’t want to walk out again. I can handle my husband watching porn, i will watch it with him but i want him to want me like he wants that thrill to be with other women.

  • shanae

    shanae

    April 12th, 2013 at 10:17 AM

    um ok so i am married to a man who likes to mastrabate in his truck and watches women. when i first caught him i thought he was cheating on me.. I have done sooo much snooping he has no private life any more.. i have become a crazed person due to his addiction. the other day i voice recorder him and found out he is masturbating at home now instead of using his truck. i hope he is getting better he says he is when confronted. but i fear the worst always. he has explained to me that he has done it all his life and wants to change.. i to was a addict at one point in my life but by the grace of God i have been set free and no longer want to.. dont get me wrong i still have days but few and far between and i dont act on urges. does any one relate to this story and what was outcome.. hurting in cali..

  • loz

    loz

    April 28th, 2013 at 11:24 AM

    I think my partner is a sex addict, we have been together 11years and have 2 children, . i didnt have a clue people tell me he has had affairs but had no prove, his mother confirmed today. I went to a phycic who confirmed he has a sex addiction. im broken all i want to do is help him but denies all affairs chats sexual encounters etc, i found 3 more emails today on our own email account im lost ‘

  • Jenn

    Jenn

    May 26th, 2013 at 7:33 AM

    Hi. I have been married for almost 3yrs now and recently found out my husband is a sex addict. We have a 8 month old baby girl. I knew early into our marriage (6months in) that my husband had been looking at porn and on chat sites….because i didn’t really know all the details I figured it was a one time thing that just happened. He was very apologetic and insured me that he was committed to me and didn’t want a relationship with anyone else. Later on, (about 1 year later) I found txt messaging to women and more chat sites. After this time, we went to see a christian counselor and he met with both of us and individually with my husband. For a while (4-6 months) things seemed better. Well, just recently April 2013 I found out the problem was still there….and because of the person he txt’d some church members found out too. At this time, he confessed that he had had a physical affair and that the problem had never really gone away. So, we figured out that he was a sex addict. This was the first time we both came to terms that this was an addiction and not just a view bad choices here and there. We are both christians and we are now seeing the same christian counselor however, he is now going to have to go to treatment center for sex addiction. In the meantime, we have separated (not divorced) and he is also going to SA (like AA of sex addicts). I have been going to so much stuff. blaming myself, wondering what are marriage really was, fearing for our 8 month old daughter and her future, and so on. I have also decided to go to a support group in addition to meeting with the couselor. I have no idea where our relationship will go or what will happen in the future. What I do know, is that the Lord is in control. I depend on Him for my every need. I pray to the Lord multiple times a day and read the Bible multiple times a day. It HELPS tremendously! If it were not for prayer from others I don’t think my husband would have been willing to even seek help. I am in the same boat as all of you as far as sadness, anger, frustration, betrayal, i was even mad at God for a time. but all I can say from person experience is that the Lord is an amazing help in this time of need. He is the solution. I can’t ensure that everything in my relationship will be perfect or even that my husband will choose to stay in the marriage but I know that the Lord’s grace is good even still. We are planning on staying married. Right now, we are both on the same page but while we are separated I am focusing on me and getting the help that I need to move on in the Lord. It’s very easy to get lost in a marriage and your partner becomes your identity in a way. but this can not be. We are individuals and we have to take care of ourselves in order to be able to be available for anyone else. I think that couseling is necessary, prayer, reading the Bible, a support system. These are all imperative to recovery for the spouse/partner/family/friend of the addict.

    I have hope….but my hope is in the Lord not in man. –Jenn

  • Kate

    Kate

    August 8th, 2013 at 6:54 PM

    Hi! I have been married 8 years and I have two children with my husband, who is believed to be a sex edict… I guess I needed to type this in so I can finally digest the news. I know that divorce is my only option, and I also know I am completely terrified of it.. not because I am afraid to be alone, but because I have always wanted a real family and I have always done everything “required” for a good family.. and now I am losing it all.. and my kids are getting in the mix… it is a terrible feeling and I don’t think I can deal with it… I am shutting my feelings down, not knowing who to talk to.. and honestly I don’t want to talk to anyone… I just want to close my eyes, then open them just to realize I was dreaming… Oh God! If you are there, I just want to know what have I done to deserve this….

  • KC

    KC

    August 23rd, 2013 at 8:05 PM

    These posts are so right on. I just found out my husband of 11 years has been casual encounters for most of our marriage. I feel so betrayed, alone and angry. I love him and we have 2 children that know nothing of this. He has been careful in arranging all encounters and denied until he couldn’t and then only told me pieces of it still hoping to start counseling. So we start counseling and then I press asking if that is everything and of course its not. This behavior is so opposite of the life we live and I am too ashamed, to tell my family and friends and definitely don’t want to tell our church family. We are in counseling but I feel he is just telling me what he has to trying not to loose me. I run our household, finances, schedules etc…I feel he wants me to manage this to and I just can’t. He hasn’t set up his personal counseling yet and has started several project to get rid of the secrets, old life and clutter but works 80 hrs a week and has no time to finish them or work on us. I feel so alone. I can’t even be around the kids for long periods because of the fear of them asking me whats wrong. Just praying to get through the weekend to my next counseling session. I pray for everyone suffering from sexual addiction and all the isolation we feel. I feel the same as Kate shutting down, just wanting to go to bed, hide in my room and ask God why?

  • Cindy

    Cindy

    June 24th, 2014 at 10:33 AM

    I ask the same thing! But I’m beginning to slowly realize that it is not us it’s them!! We do deserve not to feel crazy, like our thoughts and emotions are wrong all of the time etc. It’s not wrong to want this!! It’s so sad that the enemy comes in to kill , steal and destroy families with this and other devious things! I’m praying for u!

  • maria

    maria

    November 1st, 2013 at 5:54 AM

    Just found out the same. sex sex sex. hes done this to everyone in his past including ex wife. i didnt know any of this. is there any hope? hes in therapy now. i am seriously dying!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! someone please contact me!!

  • Wendy

    Wendy

    November 21st, 2013 at 8:01 AM

    Maria, I am right here with you. Our 11 year old son made the discovery of my husband’s addiction to prostitutes last month. Both my son and I feel like we are dying inside. And like we cannot talk about this with anyone but the counselor or each other. Our lives have stopped in many ways. I am seeking help via alanon phone meetings. It is for family and friends of alcoholics, but it applies to sex addicts as well. Perhaps you and I can be a support to each other.

  • j reno

    j reno

    November 21st, 2013 at 12:32 PM

    Here’s something important most people MISS about being the faithful one with a non monogamous partner. Crabs, Warts, STD’s… everyone unfortunately needs a sexual test to show if they are free of the STD’s.
    Nasty!!

  • Angela

    Angela

    January 3rd, 2014 at 10:39 AM

    I have been married for two years to my husband. We were engaged for a year. The first two years had a lot of ups and downs. We were not doing very well by the beginning of this past summer. My husband became withdrawn. Everyone noticed that he was different. I could tell that he was unhappy. He was obviously depressed. I told him that he needed to see a counselor and try and figure what is wrong. He knew what was wrong but I didn’t. He was going to counseling to help work on our marriage. I had been seeing a therapist for several months before hand because I thought my husband’s unhappiness was because of me. He started writing in a journal. I was so desperate for answers that I read the journal which was horribly wrong of me. It is something that I would never do. This is how I found out that he had been talking to someone on Facebook. I confronted him and of course he lied. Then two days later I opened up his Kindle to read my assignment for school and he had left is Facebook pulled up and was still logged in. I found out that he had been seeing this girl for 6 months. He said he loved her and she the same. I also found where he was talking to other women other than the girl he was having the affair with. He would meet women every time he would go out of town. The hardest part was reading in detail his conversations with these women and the worst of all was him telling another woman that he loved her. He refused to stop talking to her. He said he loved us both. I made him choose. Everything happened so fast. I haven’t really had a chance to take it all in. I have cried so much. I am a complete mess and have tried to harm myself many times. I feel like I am in a world of my own that is dark. We are trying to get through this. My husband realizes that he is a sex addict. It has been very hard on him to come to that realization. We love each other very much and neither of us want to live without the other. He is dealing with all the pain that he is watching me go through. This is the worst thing I have ever had to deal with. It does feel like grieving a loss. Every day is unpredictable for me. I cry every day at least once. I find myself obsessing over materials on sexual addicts, and healing. It is consuming me. My husband is afraid that I will come to the conclusion that I cannot live with his addiction. I just want to understand, prevent it from happening again, and come back to life.

  • GoodTherapy.org Support

    GoodTherapy.org Support

    January 3rd, 2014 at 12:19 PM

    Thank you for your comment, Angela. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • brandi

    brandi

    January 28th, 2014 at 3:42 PM

    Angela, I recently discovered my husband is a sex addict as well and it sounds like our problems are similair. I dont know if u need to talk to someone or not but maybe it would benifit us both to talk about our experiences and healing here.

  • brandi

    brandi

    January 28th, 2014 at 3:46 PM

    I recently discovered my husband is a sex addict and this is the hardest thing ive ever been thro. I am also 8 mths pregnant and having complications. I dont have anyone to talk with about any of this. If anybody wants to talk and help eachother thro this that would be wonderful.

  • Chastity

    Chastity

    February 19th, 2014 at 7:32 PM

    Brandi I have been going through the same thing and nobody to talk to. Send me an email and we can try to help each other even if its just talking.

  • Kerry

    Kerry

    July 7th, 2014 at 7:36 PM

    Take care of you, it is not your fault. You have support and you are loved. Love you.

  • priscilla

    priscilla

    October 16th, 2014 at 9:07 AM

    Hi I will b praying for you. Call upon Jesus

  • Jd

    Jd

    February 3rd, 2014 at 3:19 PM

    Wow I’m so glad I found this… So many people going through this…. I just don’t know what to do anymore with this… My story is a little different as in the beginning of our relationship, I was a willing participant in the sex games… E.g(watch porn together, filirt with girls mostly for his benefit , tell him past stories etc., he would tell me his stories). I’ve always been open minded so this did not bother me because I didn’t think of it as a lifestyle… By the way We have a 2 1/2 yr little girl now and we’ve been together for 7 years. Not long after the sex games started, I started to notice that it seemed like he needed this to “survive”. He wanted a threesome just once, and I gave that to him… Thinking it would be another experience… I think I wanted to prove to myself that I was wrong thinking he might actually have a problem… He was over the moon at first but it didn’t last till he started asking for more.. It can be anything from( exciting him by telling him something hot, like did I do things with a girl friend?) to asking me to flirt with girls, a friend, etc i started being reluctant and I honestly started feeling used and my self esteem was suffering. I expressed it and he admitted he had a problem controlling his impulses.. I found out, (he told me) he had been sexually involved with a male friend also, and all of this other things. He masturbated 7 or more times a day, don’t ask me how he found time as he is a busy architect. I got sucked into it, thinking it was about us as a couple because he knew how open and adventurous I was. After the 1 st threesome, he went out for a massage and he came back looking terrible and he confessed he slept with the masseuse and that it was the first time he’s ever cheated. I was angry and I cannot describe the despair but eventually we got past it.. Or so I thought because sometimes I get flashbacks of it and It makes me want to get sick. My friend was visiting a month ago and she and I are very close. A very long time ago there have been some talk about a threesome with her, long before I discovered about his addiction and I had playfully said if we were to ever do anything, it would be her because I trust her. So when she came to visit, he started asking about what I said and I said it wouldn’t happen. Eventually, I got so pressured into it. It’s hard to explain because he did not force me physically but dealing with him once he doesn’t get that, emotionally I just gave up. I am a co-addict, it’s like giving money to a drug addict knowing they are going to buy drugs but not wanting to deal with their mood swings if they don’t have drugs. I’m done though. No more stories, no more girls, men. He says he will seek help, he says it controls him, he says a lot but I don’t need words anymore. Just last night, I expressed this and I told him I can’t deal with the behaviour anymore, the addiction is hurting us both and I won’t participate anymore. Sex addiction has so many facets and this is one of them. He needs to be excited every time more than the lat, he cannot be satisfied. Regular porn is not enough, regular sex is not enough, he constantly needs more and I’m exhausted emotionally. Although this is just one portion of our relationship which is amazing on every other aspect, i love him and i know he loves me but I just can’t compromise myself anymore. I’m sorry this was long but I needed to vent. I know many will find it hard to understand but I needed to be honest. I def didn’t help in protecting myself but I feel like I was used based on the person I am.

  • Izabella

    Izabella

    February 21st, 2014 at 4:38 PM

    I am also a co dependant. We’ve been married for almost 20 years. Since my d-day, almost a year ago it has been a roller coaster ride. My husband has not been honest, infact I’ve discovered just recently there has been more and its getting very dangerous. I have found emails of him grossly flirting with woman he associates with at work. In fact I just met one of them not knowing of these emails until a week ago. I am so confused, hurt, and angry I just dont know how much more I can take. He still has not admitted he has a problem, nor gone to therapy that much. This is the first story I’ve read that was even remotely close to my story. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.

  • JW

    JW

    May 30th, 2016 at 3:55 PM

    I can relate to some of the things everyone is saying, but my husband is more demanding with me for sex. He won’t take no for an answer and blames me if he doesn’t get it. We typically have sex nearly every day and that isn’t enough. If it’s longer, he goes crazy. This last weekend out of town made me realize he has a problem. He wanted sex (our kids nearby) and I said no, mostly because I haven’t felt emotionallyrics connected to him. He went crazy. We got in the car and he started speeding and running red lights. He told me he needed sex like food. He wouldn’t admit he is an addict. Keep in mind, this is my soul mate, or so I thought. He said he had to find the closest place to get meds to stop the urges. Walgreens told him he needed to see a dr to get a prescription. He was pissed. He then said he needed to to to ER because he couldn’t handle the feeling. I had to get back to my kids so we did and he eventually stopping feeling this way. Idk how. Still talks about it and makes advances. In the past when having sex he would sometimes want porn on and I was ok watching with him on occasion. He always wants to hear or tell dirty stories. I know he has an issue and am very sad and feel deceived. He finally admitted he had a problem. Said he either needs meds so he will never have sex again or have his dick cut off or surgery. He is very impulsive and when things don’t go his way, he takes off. I am sad, feel emotionally abused and totally deceived. This isn’t what I want or signed up for. Does anyone relate or have advice? He constantly blames me and says that I’m the only man I’ve said no to and he is my husband (which isn’t true.) He goes back and forth blaming me and when he calms saying he MAY have a problem. Please help! :(

  • Rachel

    Rachel

    February 17th, 2014 at 1:29 PM

    I am trapped with a sex addict myself. I’m glad I found this site, because the isolation & depression I feel as a result of this is hell. I’m a stay at home mom to our two children. It’s always younger girls, around 18 or so. I’m only 24 & I keep myself in good shape physically so it’s pretty insulting. He’s possessive over me, and I have no friends; no one to talk to. I honestly don’t know what to do. It’s so hard to get away from someone like this when you have no resources to do it. One of my biggest fears is that my sons will grow up with a lack of respect for women as well. It also sucks to be routinely infected with STD’s when you aren’t promiscuous in any sense of the word. I feel like my life is already over and that I’ll never escape this.

  • Cindy

    Cindy

    June 24th, 2014 at 10:27 AM

    I understand your situation because I am going through it also, except he refuses to admit that he even looks at porn. But that gut feeling and all of the signs are there! :-( very heartbreaking!

  • Michelle

    Michelle

    July 19th, 2014 at 12:07 PM

    My husband just admitted to me that he has watched porn during our marriage of almost 7 years. He denies that he contacted an escort service or strip bars, however, the phone numbers are on the call log. I am stunned. I have been devastated, out of my mind with worry and pain. I feel shamed and alone. My self-esteem is very low at the moment. He says he likes me with my confidence blown. I have had sex with him even though I know in my gut he has cheated on me but won’t admit it. It is sex that we are having. not the making love to me that I long for. I keep hoping he will try to right the wrong – to care about my feelings. Go to meetings and work with a sponsor after 18 years of “sobriety”. Instead, I feel rejected and betrayed. And, crushed and numb. I don’t know how long he has been watching porn. He has had an app for Skout on his Iphone history. He has freeflirtfriends.com and datehookup.com in his safari history but denies that he has even unfaithful to me. He asked me “wouldn’t you rather me watch porn than go be with someone else?” “I’ll let you know if I’m going to watch it today” “maybe we can watch it together” “don’t waste your money on counseling – and I’m not going to counseling”. And, of course, he has no explanation for how any of this got on his phone and it is all just “stupid”. Including the email from a woman he met in Myrtle Beach last summer that I just happened to randomly find a few months ago. I called the escort service that was on his call log and asked for “Jolie”. They said she doesn’t work there any more. He says they met by the pool and it is just “stupid” and has no explanation. After two more trips to MB without me – one in May with “the guys” to go to there AA speaker events, and one with his 19 year old daughter and her friend, he swears there will be no more trips without me. That he loves me, I am his wife and he won’t cheat and will be honest. Of course, that is what I want to believe, but I am so hurt and afraid and emotionally fragile. I am afraid to let him come back home after 4 months of separation. But, I want him to spend every night with me. And, I am left pining for his withdrawn love, affection and attention. My head tells me to remain separated – that there is more betrayal, lies and deceit that has occurred. I don’t know if he is a sex addict but I know that his cheating on me has deeply hurt me to the point I can hardly function at work. I feel lost and alone and afraid and I don’t know where to turn.

  • melissa

    melissa

    June 23rd, 2014 at 9:11 AM

    I am with one myself. We have been married 18 years and he keeps doing craigslist and hides emails and dating sites he says it’s for pics only but I am at the point of no return. I want this to work but he’s mad at me cause I’m mad. Help

  • Ravyn

    Ravyn

    June 26th, 2014 at 12:13 AM

    I am going through this as well. Been married 19 years. Last year I caught him video chatting with a woman. He tried to laugh it off saying they were just friends and introducing us! This sent up the red flag so I did some checking. He had been texting her literally for hours a day, and having 2-3 hour phone conversations! I confronted him and told him he had to stop. He made promises blah blah then after a few days of cooling off started up again. Not just with her either. Since Jan 2013 he has had online affairs and sexing, with well over a dozen women and men (at least that I am aware of)! The past month things have seemed to slow down and he seemed a bit more attentive. Well what a fool I was to think he was over this. He is starting up again with at least 2 women, having online sex with them and men and having group sex. I can only guess that they told him to pay more attention to me to remove some suspicion. I am at my wits end. I can’t do this anymore. My mother has cancer, I am her caregiver and at a time when I could use the support of my husband he is talking to and comforting other women! I feel sick everyday. I wake with headaches everyday. I don’t sleep well. I decided today that I am going to ask him to leave. That I won’t allow him back until he can prove he will seek help, counselling. My problem is I have 2 teenagers, 19 and 15. How do I tell them? What do I tell them? I don’t lie to my kids so how do I explain what he has done? I do have actual proof, screenshots and copies of messages, do I show them? I don’t want my kids to think I am making this up especially since I have no idea what he may say to them. Help please!

  • GG

    GG

    June 27th, 2014 at 9:22 AM

    Unfortunately I am going through something similar. My ex is addicted to porn and prostitution. No longer together but we have a 4 year old son. Allowing my son to go with him is a scary thought! What if he exposes my child to that lifestyle. I know this can be a cycle and all I want to do is to protect my son. Do I keep my son away? What should I do? Any adivse?

  • Tammy H

    Tammy H

    July 1st, 2014 at 11:57 PM

    In my 22nd year of marriage I found out that my Husband had been cheating with hundreds of women and I was stunned and my world was torn apart. John and I went to counseling which didn’t help him however it showed me that we cannot own each other. Our counselor suggested that John and I attended a swingers ball. I went with John and met several other couples which we still see. John and I are swingers now and having the time of our lives. Sharing is a beautiful way of life and ends all cheating.

  • Belinda

    Belinda

    July 2nd, 2014 at 10:38 AM

    Tammy H, I hope you are kidding. If you are not then your therapist should be disbarred. “Swinging” is irresponsible, grotesque behavior and degenerates human beings to the level of animals.

    It is a sad, foul use of your life.

    You need to dedicate your life to something more evolved. Help others, teach others, give up sex if it isn’t a healthy part of your life. Dedicate your life to helping others and creating a world worth living in.

    To everyone in this thread, the cure for your pain is to offer help and service to other living beings. Don’t let some idiot man stop you. You’re better than that.

  • Stacy

    Stacy

    July 4th, 2014 at 5:33 AM

    I am also new to all this.

    I am a victim of multiple rapes and physical abuse. Married this wonderful man who now realize is a sex addict. He is mild on the spectrum….But given my past, almost to hard for me. He says one thing and wakes me up with his fingers in my vagina a couple times a week. He does not care what kind of day I have the next day (I have 2 little kids from a previous marriage and 2 jobs). One of my prior abusers would get home late and come into the bed room and do this very thing. We used to have a healthy sex life. Sex 3 days a week and talked a lot. I need a lot of communication. Then his ex and their teenage daughters aimed their swords he and I and he did not defend us for about 1.5 yrs. (Been together for 2.3 yrs now)The hurter I got, the more he distanced and sex became sex and no longer made love to me. I have felt alone most of the relationship now. I have spent the last yr in counseling to help me get through his Ex and kids emotional abuse on me….and his lack of defending his castle. And now he takes what he wants and like my ex fiance who spent the last yr of our relationship sexually and physically abusing me, he too does not seem to care about how hurt I become, how alone I become or the turmoil is unleashes me….I love him so much but I do not know if I can be the support next to him where I do not see he has given much of anything to me.

  • mayra

    mayra

    July 5th, 2014 at 2:32 AM

    I feel like trash everything at my house sremember to be going well when I decided to go through my husband’s cell found out he’s been ssearching for those exotic massage parlors I confronted he said he didn’t know how that was showing on his history from phone is 230 and I can’t sleep jus thinking how betrayed I feel don’ know what to do please help me before I do something that I will regret

  • GoodTherapy.org Support

    GoodTherapy.org Support

    July 5th, 2014 at 10:13 AM

    Please use this for comments where people are in crisis:

    Thank you for your comment, Mayra. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Amy

    Amy

    July 5th, 2014 at 7:02 PM

    I just found out my husband is addicted to porn. We have a 6 month old daughter. It’s been a lot to deal with. We’ve been together for 9 years and it’s been going on the whole time. There have been so many lies and betrayals. My house feels dirty, my bed feels dirty and I feel dirty. He was looking at it at work on his phone in the bathroom and self gratification was happening. I feel so lost, alone and can’t talk to anyone about this. I’m so ashamed and embarrassed.

  • Kerry

    Kerry

    July 7th, 2014 at 7:28 PM

    Take care of yourself. It’s not your fault and nothing you do controls his choices. Choose you, your daughter, and those that support you. You are not crazy and you are not alone. Hang in there and give it time. Engage you daughter and love you. Good luck in all you do. Thoughts are with you and your family.

  • Tami

    Tami

    July 8th, 2014 at 5:36 PM

    I understand what you are going through. My husband of 14 years just confessed the same things to me and he’s been doing it for almost 40 years (he’s 53) I am going to a sex addict and family counselor and so is he. I kicked him out for about 7 weeks and now we are living together again. I still don’t know what will happen but order some used books from amazon about being the partner of a sex addict- it helped me not to feel so crappy about myself. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. It’s so hard

  • Tanya

    Tanya

    July 22nd, 2014 at 5:24 PM

    Amy,
    I’m so so sorry.. I know exactly how you feel.. We’ve been together for 7 years and we have a 1 year old son.. My husband is addicted to porn. I’ve gone through so much grief and bad thoughts and felt so unhappy like never ever in my life.. If you need someone to talk to you can email me.

  • Jenn

    Jenn

    July 24th, 2014 at 11:15 AM

    My husband stopped having sex with me about 9 months ago. I’m lucky to get it once a month. We have a 2 year old son together plus I have 4 kids from a previous marriage and we won custody of his daughter from a previous encounter. We have been together for just over 3 years now. In the beginning, we had an amazing sex life. He’s the best I’ve ever had. I knew right off the bat he had a fetish with nude text messages, as I discovered him exchanging them with his ex 3 weeks into our relationship. Before me, his relationships were very adolescent and unstable, so when he apologized and acknowledged that he wasn’t used to a real woman and a real relationship, I agreed to give him a chance. I got pregnant after only 3 months of dating… but we were in love and I was never so happy in my life. By my 6th month of pregnancy, there was a very clear distance between us. He was not the same man, and I got that feeling something wasn’t right (not my first rodeo, as I had 4 kids already coming into this… been there done that… more than I like to admit). I was able to convince his sister to get me the log in info to their mothers phone account that they all shared. Sure enough, 5 different females he was conversing with… OBVIOUSLY inappropriately since he saw the need to delete these messages from his device. I was shattered. I felt worthless, fat, broken, embarrassed, ashamed, angry, like I was NEVER going to be good enough. With the discovery of these conversations and picture exchanging, all of his porn and sex addictions came to surface. I began talking to his ex and it was humiliating to admit that everything she was trying to recover from still, after so long, was exactly the life I now lived. We tried to talk it out and I almost walked away. I wish I could have… but I just couldn’t. I hurt even more with the thought of losing him. He has so much power over me. And he just abuses it and does whatever the eff he wants to do. He doesn’t care about anyone or anything but himself. He isn’t capable of love, respect, honor, gratitude. He only expects and expects and expects. I feel like a fool for not doing what my mind clearly understands is best for ME. All of this discovery happened in the first 6 months… here we are… 3 years later… married now and the same vicious cycle just continues to repeat itself. I am a BEAUTIFUL woman. Men and woman tell me all the time. But I just can’t see it anymore. No matter how hard I try I will NEVER live up to the image he seeks out in order to satisfy his sexual desires. It’s to the point now where when we do actually have sex, he ALWAYS has his phone recording the entire time. I have no inhibitions when it comes to sex, I enjoy getting freaky, trying new things. Anymore, I feel like he’s making me into his own private porn star. There is no passion, intimacy, love. I feel dirty and used. With the hundreds of videos we’ve made you would think he’d never need to watch porn, right? Nope, just another jab to my esteem cause it’s not good enough. He NEEDS his tiny barely legal looking barbies to get his rocks off! I don’t know where to go from here. We don’t have insurance for a therapist, but I know that therapy is the only chance we have at keeping our family together, happy and healthy. Our kids sense my sadness, I’m not the mother I want to be.

  • Kathy V

    Kathy V

    July 8th, 2014 at 11:58 PM

    Hi its good to find this site. I found out two days after my husbands death that he was a sex addict. We were married 37 years. He had been through alcohol rehab 25 years ago and right after that had an affair. I left him for awhile and was ready to sign divorce papers when he begged me to reconsider. So i stayed with him under the conditions of 1) no drinking and2). No cheating. He was a quiet man and had no strong male friends. Only mutual friends and family. We adopted two kids who developed addictive behaviors in their teens. I was so busy taking care of them that i didnt pay a whole lot of attention to my marriage. We loved each other and at times he was distant. He would often leave in evenings to pick up something sweet to eat at the grocery store. He would return in an hour or so but since we live in the country i didnt give it a concern. I even kidded him that his mistress was “lil Debbie” of snack cake fame! When he was too tired for sex i attributed that to stress and problems adjusting his thyroid meds. He was always very busy at work. Sometimes to dtriment of time spent with kids. But since i retired early and he was still working i figured at least he is a good supporter. He wasnt the man of my dreams but i accepted him and figured he was doing his best. Plus he wasnt drinking and wasnt cheating. Boy was i wrong! Dozens of women over at least 15 years and thousands of dollars, secret credit cards where he paid just the minimum, thousands of lies. Such a shock. Such a shock. I am getting help now. But those who havent been through it just dont get it. This is more than just a cheating spouse. And i never even got the chance to grieve his loss. I loved him. I was faithful. He kept this secret from all our friends, our families, his coworkers. He was very very careful to do this with fake names and out of town partners. He was the perfect addict. Some day i will be strong and happy… But it will take lots of time and lots of therapy. My heart aches for all of us who have been betrayed in the deepest and most painful way possible.

  • Jillsue

    Jillsue

    July 9th, 2014 at 7:12 PM

    I just found out that after 19 years of a blissfully happy marriage that my husband has cheated on me at least 12 times over a 5 year period and has been having random sex with men. He says he loves me and will do anything to make it right. Just writing this makes me feel how ridiculous I am for even consider taking him back. He is my best friend and confidant. Divorcing him will mean changing every single aspect in my up to now perfect life. Thoughts?

  • Mabel

    Mabel

    July 14th, 2014 at 2:04 AM

    My thoughts are to say,run as fast as you can away from him. But I just found out my husband of ten years has a porn and sex addiction. My whole life has changed in 2 days. Everything I thought was true is not. Four children to protect and I am so scared so unsure of what the hell I am going to do. So I understand why you are torn. I would be very concerned for your health though please make sure you see your doctor. I will pray for you.

  • Gas-lighted in CO

    Gas-lighted in CO

    July 23rd, 2014 at 12:24 AM

    So sorry that this is your life. It’s my life too as of May 18th!!! Found out husband has had multiple, sleazy Craig’s List hook-up’s on the road traveling for past 5 years, and found a recent post of him soliciting hook-ups with men which I have been suspecting for 18 months. DENIAL, DENIAL ,DENAIL! I drives me CRAZY!!! It had a picture attached for heavens sake!!!! We have been married 17 years in Sept. So pissed at what an IDIOT he has been! He threatened to divorcee me 2 yrs ago if I did not seek therapy for my lack of trust in him!! I did seek therapy and have been in since Aug. 2012, Just SO pissed to find out that it was HIM all along with the secrets and problems that was slowly decaying and destroying our marriage from the inside out!
    It will be hard splitting up our family which includes 3 children, 2 businesses, 5 rental homes and numerous ROTH IRA’s, but it means living with a pathologically lying sex addict who is so engrained to ies manipulation that he can’t even figure out she he doing it. It’s kind-of sad.

  • Deedles

    Deedles

    August 30th, 2014 at 4:04 AM

    I FEEL YOUR PAIN. How sad to know how many relationships are ruined, how many families are affected, how trust is completely lost over this?? This is not how marriage is supposed to be. These men are so utterly selfish, completely wrapped up in a life of lies…they are so weak and devoid of integrity that they would rather point the finger of blame on their spouses than lose the high of gratification
    At any cost. Like you, my spouse suggested that I was the one with a trust problem and that he was the one hurt because I didn’t trust him…pathetic. After gathering proof and catching him in repeated lies, there is absolutely no trust remaining.

    I applaud you choosing to leave this liar. I pray for you, your future hapiness, and for your children. You are stronger than you think.

  • Cheryl

    Cheryl

    December 25th, 2014 at 1:24 PM

    Run just run run run

  • anon

    anon

    July 15th, 2014 at 4:11 AM

    I found out a year ago that my husband has a sex addiction and has cheated on me and pretty much every ex he’s had. He also joined dating sites and met up with them for one night stands. It all came out a year ago when he,being a policeman, was arrested for having sex with women whilst on duty so I was hit with a double shock when I found out he’d been arrested and then he confessed all to me. He broke down and was completely remorseful. I have stayed with him to support him and to get him help and because I love him. He could go to prison for what he’s done whilst on duty (we live in the UK) and are currently waiting for a court trial date. He is currently suspended from duty but would not be returning to the job anyway as the power of being in a uniform did not help his addiction. We have two very young children and I have to face the possibility that not only did he do this to me/us but we might loose him to a jail sentence. He was actually texting women and meeting up with them whilst I was in hospital delivering our daughter who died in utero. I feel broken and was I completely devastated when it all happened but strangely, a year on I feel strong. How I didn’t have a breakdown I don’t know. But I feel like I want to help him fight both the courts and his addiction. I feel empowered as, only being in my 30’s, I know I could survive without him and that I am still young enough to make a new life. I don’t need him, I choose to be with him. It’s a constant emotional battle and I still don’t trust him but I check his phone daily and he is not allowed to use the Internet. I know it will take years to get back to some form of normality but I’m willing to stay and fight for as long as I’m able because if the tables were turned I’d want the same done for me.

  • Ali

    Ali

    July 16th, 2014 at 3:41 AM

    I can totally relate to every last one of you in one way or another, but especially with the feelings of betrayal and the effect on my self esteem. Men hit on me all the time and tell me I am beautiful but I feel like the most unwanted, unattractive woman ever. I’ve been with my fiance for 3 years now and nothing has changed since I discovered his addiction to porn and sex. It has made me loathe sex and I always feel like I am being pressured into it. He doesn’t realize his actions and behavior have deeply affected our (once great) sex life. Now we go to bed angry if I wake up and he is up on the computer pretending to work… but clearly, that was never the case. Then he would get angry when I wouldn’t want to have sex in the morning since I was still upset about what happened before bed – it is a never ending cycle. I want to trust him but he constantly lies, blames me for “withholding sex from him” saying I am only doing it for punishment. That is never the case. He won’t acknowledge the pain he has caused me- ever. He even told me this past weekend that the reason he watches porn is because I don’t put out, that he wants me to act like a whore like the girls in the videos because our sex life is boring to him now. He even woke up the next morning after sleeping in the other bedroom, tried to initiate sex while I was still asleep (after he saw me balling my eyes out as he shut the bedroom door after our fight, knowing I cried myself to sleep) and then got mad at me for asking him to leave me alone. All I can say is, if you are just finding this out about a person you are newly involved in, do yourself a favor and run. I wish I had instead of investing 3 years into what has turned out to be an emotionally exhausting ride. We were together about 4 months when I noticed the porn, then I found emails where he had contacted men on Craigslist and I even wrote one of the men asking if he met with him and he said “he could tell he was a newby and was all talk” and then even called me a b**** for asking and requested me to send a picture of myself. When I confronted my guy he told me he never met with any of them and it was just the excitement of communicating with them that was the allure. I had never found myself in this situation before and he is a great guy otherwise so I decided to work on it. Fast forward 3 years later and we haven’t gone to any counseling, he has roughly 50 porn videos downloaded to his phone, has hundreds of pics saved on his computer, some even of his ex wife and videos of them having sex – and I am the bad guy and “asking for it” because I am a snoop. I just want the truth. I don’t know how I can get him to understand the severe affect this has been on me as a woman and how he has ruined my image of sex with him at this point. Everything last comment he says to me that is a compliment I will always think is so he can get laid. I can’t dress in front of him. And now he thinks I am a prude because I don’t want to act like a whore in the sac. IF YOU HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO LEAVE AND IT IS EARLY ON IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP THEN RUN FOR THE HILLS. This process is killing me from the inside out and now I find myself always crying, always feeling like my sexual acts are going to be critiqued or compared, zero self esteem, and all around very hurt, alone, and emotionally exhausted. I know the end of us as a couple is eminent but I don’t even have the strength to get thru a break up at this point. But there HAS to be some relief if we do since anything is better than this pain on a daily basis. It leaves you feeling so ugly and unimportant. I am not about to become his Mom and tell him he can’t do this or that – I want him to know how he is making me feel but I guess that is the addiction.

    I can’t believe how old this thread is and still as of yesterday there are new posts … goes to show the amount of power sex has over some people. Pretty sad.

  • Britchums

    Britchums

    July 20th, 2014 at 9:54 AM

    This sounds so familiar. Exactly like my everyday life. Like you took my days and said they were yours. I’m so sorry. This life is horrible, but it is good to know I’m not the only one, even though I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.

  • anonymous

    anonymous

    July 20th, 2014 at 2:35 PM

    I have been married to a porn/ chat line addict for almost 16 years now. I told him this morning that I wanted a divorce. I’ve been through the cycle of catching him, confession, counseling, setting boundaries (and him breaking or ignoring them) more times than I care to remember. Right now I’m just numb to it all. He says he lives me but there has been no meaningful progress with his addiction. I contracted an STD while i was pregnant with our fourth child, endured his sexual demands when i was made to feel that i wasn’t “adventerous” enough, had an exposure that was very humiliating for my entire family, and so on. I personally believe marriage to be a holy covenant and have never wanted to give up on him. But I don’t know what else to do. I guess I will try to focus on self care now and getting my children through this.

  • Wounded Soul

    Wounded Soul

    July 27th, 2014 at 8:11 PM

    I’m dealing with what your dealing with we should chat sometime privately?

  • Sally

    Sally

    July 22nd, 2014 at 3:35 AM

    I’ve fallen in love with a guy who admits he has a sex addiction, and is regularly with different girls. He says that what we have is much more than just sex, and I do believe that, but lately when he calls he only wants to sex talk. He txts me with compliments and lots of sweet words, but then mid txt convetsation, he just dissapears. It makes me wonder if he is having fun with someone else at that point, and I just feel so down inside. He says that I shouldn’t care that he sleeps with other girls if I really genuinely care about him. But that’s why it bothers me, because I do care about him a great deal. We almost cut our losses, but I can’t let go and I don’t want to. He makes me feel good and tells me I am beautiful. I have been in an abusive relationship where I was told I was basically ugly and physically and sexually abused, and I was also abused as a child. I know I have issues, and this is the first time any man has been kind and sweet and told me he truly thinks I am beautiful. I just feel so sad though.

  • Eliz

    Eliz

    July 27th, 2014 at 3:06 AM

    Hi I’m reading these posts and seeing what a widespread problem this is. Thank you all for sharing. I have a husband whose often becomes detached in the relationship and flirts outside of it. He denies there is more. He has a background where everything is often for appearance’ sake. He does communicate but lives in an emotional world looking for the next fix. However when I became detached from him it made him worse as he tried to gain my attention. We got some counselling which helped. It have had some low self esteem but people have told me what a lovely person I am and after 20 years I know it can’t just be me and hey I think I’m lovely too! I’m in my 40s
    These are my ongoing tips
    1. Look after yourself – you are your number one priority and why should the behaviour of another hurt you. If you have others to care for you need to keep in the best health and best place emotionally. If a partner is demanding it can be exhausting so take time to care for you. Treats, resting, a hobby, reading a magazine. You are a beautiful, attractive interesting person.
    2. Behaviour is the other person’s problem. You can’t change them but you can change your reaction. Don’t take the behaviour as a personal criticism. This doesn’t mean change you. If you need it find help, counselling, a helpline, don’t be alone.
    3. Love is all around. Yes I know this sounds like a song. It is and it doesn’t require sex or intimacy. We nice humans are social creatures who like company on a less intense level just by sharing the same space so every now and then get out in the throng away from work, home e.g. sit in a cafe and read a book or go to public places and be part of the crowd, or seeing friends, trying a course or follow another interest.
    4. You are a couple and your dynamics are between the two of you and no one else. Try to open up communication with your loved one by chatting and listening at least once a day. Chat can be about anything, it doesn’t have to be serous. It’s also important to find out often if your partner is in the same room emotionally especially where there is intimacy. Try not to criticise just summarise how you sometimes feel and find a positive. When you reach a point where you have connected emotionally enjoy the silence and each other’s company.

  • Kat

    Kat

    July 31st, 2014 at 4:16 PM

    Just now coming into our 2 1/2yrs, I know my other half is a sex addict. What I don’t know is how far into it he REALLY is. He’s the online story reader and writer of pornographic/erotic stories, accept he doesn’t make a living doing this. About a year into our relationship is when I noticed all these downloads on his phone. I caught him, and he begged me to give him another chance. So after being past a year’s time, I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. Fast forward to 2 days ago, and I got that same gut instinct of something didn’t feel right. So once again, to his phone. Nowmindyou, we had an agreement that in irorder for me to trust him again, he needs to prove I can and that means giving me passwords to what he had been hiding. Obviously anyone can press a delete button. However, enter 2 days ago and I see a different, new story appear. Confronting him, I gave him ample opportunity to be honest with me..and he kept lying saying it was on his previous sd card (since he got a new phone). Whatever. All this time he has me playing the fool thinking he’s”changed”into this non perverted MATURE man. Well, he’s still only 31yrs old. We were engaged and I broke it off. Ladies, I too am lacking much self esteem. This is killing me daily because we share a house, 2 cats, which ARE our kids, and time invested, money, blood, sweat and tears. I can NO longer trust him. Without trust, there is NO relationship. I don’t even want to sleep with him. I’m so disgusted.

  • Barb

    Barb

    August 1st, 2014 at 8:21 PM

    GaveThis Is All Too Familiar. I Have Been Married For Just Shy Of 10 1/2 Years, I’ve Known My Husband For Over 15 Years We Have 3 Beautiful Children . He Is Ex-Military And The First Time He Left On Deployment After Being Married 7mos Is When This Started And It Has Continued And Is Still Going On. He TOld Me He Was Done After Our 3rd Child Was Born (3Yrs ago)And Some Girl Was Texting Him While We Were In The Hospital. It Took A Lot But I Started To Trust Him Again. Now I Find He’s Streaming Sex Videos And Pictures, Out Of The Blue Claiming He’s Bisexual, Telling These People He Will Message Them Back Definitely If They Message Him, When Confronted He Claims He’s Not Talking To Them Yet That Was Exactly What His Profile Says! He’s “liked” Over 2000 Sex Videos In Only About 5 Weeks! He’s Always Said He Has Never Cheated On Me…. He Admits He Had Offers From The One Girl Years Ago But Said He Always Refused Her Becaus He Just Couldn’t Do It. About 6 Years Ago He Even Told A Woman I Cheated On Him While He Was Defending Our Country Just To Get Her To Talk With Him Yet I’ve Never Even Thought Of Doing Such A Thing And Was In bed With Him! I Have Always Thought There Was Something Wrong With Me Yet There Are Other Men At Work That Wanted Me To Leave Him For Them Which I Would Never Do. But Now This Again! I Gave Up My Dreams Of School To Marry Him (Dumb) And Now Have Nothing To Fall Back On To Support 3 Kids If I Leave! It Hurts So Bad And I Love Him So MucH Still, But I’m Tired Of It! I Have No Idea What To Do!! Our Kids Adore Him Like Crazy, several Friends Parents Have Been Getting Divorced And The Kids Freaked Out When We Told Them What It Meant And Begged Us Not To, Things Were Great Then And We Told Them We Wouldn’t…I Do Not Believe In Divorce…I Am So LoSt!!

  • Carey

    Carey

    August 2nd, 2014 at 1:50 PM

    Hi ladies, sum advise plz. I’m married for 3 years, together for 12. I have a 1 year old baby. We have sex 3 times a week. Last year I saw a chat with a lady of a sexual nature. He lied and I believd him. Found out on Thursday he has been sex chatting a woman from last November, and men. So disturbd. He said was chatting to men about a threesome, I’m not into this. He has been my only lover. What do I do?

  • Emilee

    Emilee

    August 6th, 2014 at 11:20 AM

    Alright…feeling lost and confused and seeking any advice from others living with similar situations. Though I’m aware things moved quickly, my boyfriend of what would have been one year this saturday and I really hit it off in the beginning and I believed that we had a strong relationship overall, and we just had a beautiful baby girl in may. In december i caught porn on his phone which he denied opening and claimed it was opened by going through his email, as he would claim the same things for old dating sites that he used to use before me. Back in january i caught some of coversations with another girl to which he deleted his sent msgs on his phone at the time so I’ll never know both sides. Though nothing too crossing the line, things were being said that really shouldn’t for him being in a relationship, and he would clearly start the conversations with most likely a “hey” or “whats up”. I believe it lasted for one weekend and when I brought it to his attention he first denied knowing who she was and then claimed innocence to the situation and that he’d put a stop to it which he did. In march i discovered a email response set from him only a month after we started dating for an ad on craigslist for a sexual encounter with a woman claiming he was all she needed for intense pleasure. He claimed he was drinking and feared loosing me as the reason for this behavior. On easter he snuck into the bathroom to take a fully clothed picture and sent to a recently reunited friendship which i have now learned used to be a friends with benefits thing. She called him hot and sent a picture of her with her cleavage all out to which he replied something flattering that was deleted. Though he claims complete innocence to showing a friend a picture of him since hes lost weight. This is the same girl i just read an extremely sexual conversation between them last sunday. And the night prior, whenever i would wake up and try cuddling i caught him deleting full active conversations from his phone, only getting excuses that dont add up. After i discovered the sexual conversation and ended our relationship, i had received information and copies from a girl that he claimed he was single and sent naked pictures too This also lasted for one weekend and he agreed to a threesome with another man so long as the other man were bigger and many more extremely sexually natured things. He has claimed that each time he has done this he had been drinking and doesnt remember doing it. He claims that what he was saying had meant nothing and that he was never sexually aroused or satisfied by these discussions i had found. I finally got him to admit him knowing what he was doing but not thinking about what he was doing and never meaning for these things to happen. Before us, he was constantly on craigslist personal ads wanting women and agreeing to threesomes with another man and other messed up disturbing things but i tried not to judge him because it was all before us and i tried to tell him i think he had problems. Now that hes being kicked out and the relationship is over, he has taken tests to which point to a sex addiction and that he wants to seek help. I am not a person to give up on people when they are trying to better themselves but it seems like his behavior has been increasingly getting worse and more frequent. And he lied and tried to hide it all the time with excuses that wouldnt add up. In november he got a dui and did jailtime after being layed off due to downsizing at our work, and shortly after i lost my job due to pregnancy complications dealing with his situation. Since then, I was totally committed to helping him get a job and better himself. He has sinced fully relied on my transportation to work, probation, and alcohol counseling, and pickups and drop offs of his son on weekends who lives a good thirty miles away;my house, and even currently my food assistance. Due to child support coming out of his checks and an inability and lack of consideration to proper budgeting, he had not helped with any bills including my truck payment and has obviously been living a golden carefree life while I’ve been a bundle of nerves constantly stressed and hating the needy dependant person i have become in this year. No matter what, he is still to be out of my house by this friday and our relationship is still over, but if it is truely a problem he is suffering from and he is actively seeking help and further counseling before it gets even worse, should he get another chance later down the road if he completely rebuilds his life and figures his budgeting to support his family the way he should and can stay away from alcohol smoking and sex (his addictions and relationship problems)?
    I understand that sexual addiction is tricky and more complicated in most all aspects than most other addictions, but it isnt adding up to me that everywhere ive read it has said addicts are actively seeking their next “fix” and hes saying that he doesn’t understand why hes doing it because he doesn’t mean it, want it, or get any satisfaction whatsoever out of it. I almost cannot say if he does have a real problem or using his addictive personality to fall back on. From what I’ve read on this forum so far, most of these guys have still maintained this behavior or have even gotten worse. So should I invest faith and try to help him better himself without the relationship though it hasnt helped for others? Realizing I am younger and no longer wanting to be a used doormat that gets cheated on and treated like this, i have told him that the most chance he’ll ever get again is if he completes counseling for sex and alcohol (again) and quits smoking, learns to budget like a man and then must present all this to my parents and ask permission for another chance. But I wonder if he will ever change and can honestly focus on the relationship he’s engaged in. He has cheated orbhas just messed up every previous relationship he’s ever had. Should I let him try for me again or just wipe my hands clean and move on? Thanks for listening and any advice.

  • Sl Aw

    Sl Aw

    August 13th, 2014 at 4:38 AM

    Wow :(
    I lost count, of all the betrayals, halfway through the blog, hun.
    I wonder, what you would tell your daughter, if she were facing this problem. Would you tell her to “stand by your man” or “these boots were made for walking”?
    I understand that everyone’s situation is different but, by allowing yourself to be a doormat, you are inadvertently sending the message that: a woman should justify the disrespectful behavior of her partner, as long as he or she seems to show remorse (even when it is seemingly only felt after being caught) for their behavior.
    Also, by standing by waiting, for a sex addict to complete the “song & dance”, and being a support system, for someone with that personality type, is showing not only your daughter, but also the person who has betrayed your trust, your heart, and put your health at risk, that the behavior isn’t really bad. The behavior has no real consequences, because
    Look- she’s still with me, so the real problem is her finding out what I did…
    And showing daughter that yes you should say something but as long as my partner goes through the motions, I should accept that as good enough for me. You are teaching her to settle for, not even, second best.
    As for whether or not to give him a second chance….
    haven’t you given him like at least ten already?
    Why is this even a concern? You should be worried about you and your daughter not whether or not it is appropriate to get back with him if he jumps through your hoops.
    And speaking as someone who has been on both sides of the addiction, the addict needs to be able to have a life free of the behavior not a relationship that will most likely remind them of their addiction. Part of the problem is that they need to find a way to be strong and figure out who they are. Addicts tend to forget who they are without their addiction.
    And anyone who has truely grown-up will understand that it takes a long time for a person to find them selves, have understanding of, and gain confidence in their new understanding.
    I fear that you would also benefit from guidance, and time alone to find yourself. Codependance is a insecurity that is often brushed under the rug, but if you continue to go through life with blinders up you will always be asking the same question(s).
    Why do I always get hurt…used…lied to….ect. And there are a million other selfpitying thought patterns. You need to find a way to empower yourself not put your life on hold for someone who is not even capable of being the person you want them to be.
    And really are you who you want to be? Show your daughter that respect is important, and work on you and give your daughter a strong, positive, female rollmodel. If for no other reason but, that she deserves to have a chance at a healthy relationship….
    Don’t be another statistic carrying on the legacy of the women before you, that obviously unknowingly showed you that accepting this treatment is ok.
    I hope I wasn’t too harsh, but too many women put everything on hold for men that aren’t even worth it. Even, I have been guilty of it. But, be strong, you have a daughter that is affected forever by the way you handle this.

    In recovory progress – Sl Aw

  • Tina

    Tina

    August 9th, 2014 at 10:18 AM

    Hi. I just found out last night that my husband of almost 2 years is a sex addict. He recently picked up a prostitute for felacio. He’s my high school sweetheart and we’ve been together for 12 years. I’m 29 and feel completely lost, confused, hurt, betrayed, etc. I don’t know what to do or where to start.

  • Lyn

    Lyn

    August 9th, 2014 at 6:04 PM

    Idk how this all started….i am much older than my boyfriend and we have been together going on 5 yrs. He is very sexual and i always joked he was a sex maniac. But it was always with me. A few years back i noticed pictures of girls online and i told him i didnt like it and i i felt it was disrepectful to me. He stopped and i thought that was the end of it. My daughter passed away last year and i went into a deep depression. This May I was just starting to get myself back together when i found all these texts and pics of “escorts” on his phone. I blew up and kicked him out but in a few days we talked and again i thought that was it. I felt our relationship changing. He stopped being romantic. And acted so different.i tried to talk to him but he said he was just tired from work. In June we got into a big argument over his behavior and he left. I cried for a month. No text no phone call nothing. I was so confused. Then the end of this July he finally came around and we had along talk. He said he was stupid and apologized and said we would make everything better. He didnt move back though. I did everything to desireable. I worked out i dressed sexy, looking good all the time for him. Things were good for about 2 weeks. He even gave me a large sum of money to help with my bills. Then i started getting that intuition feeling again. On my way home from work i stopped at his place. He was passed out with 1 of his friends from drinking. I took his phone and found pages and pages and pages of girls, contacts, phone numbers, messages. I was up all night looking thru it all thats how much there was. Today he comes to my house like nothing happened. Until i went ballistic and he ran out the house down the road. I am so confused and so hurt i want to die. Why would he want these women when he has me? Or why would he want me when he has all these other women?? Can someone please make some sense out of all this.

  • Tiffany

    Tiffany

    August 17th, 2014 at 6:43 AM

    It never ends. I have been married for 9 years and my husband continues to place me in bodily harm. I have found several escort emails in his phone. I also found several contacts list of other females. I have even found text messages of him and other females in different sexual positions. I didn’t know what to due he was a wonderful father to our three children. I began to beg and plead with him i even went as far as having several threesum encounter bringing other females home with me to please him and try to spice up our marriage. I couldn’t believe this wasnt enough the morning i went thru his phone and saw a message from a female discussing the cost of the abortion she had to get made me realize its over. I was sick and depressed for days. I immediately kicked him out and contacted a divorce attorney. We argued for months but had to come to some kind of agreement for the kids. Were still married but legally seperated now for two years. I pray everyday he will change but i feel he will have to catch a disease before then. Its sickening and it truly is an addiction.

  • Lisa

    Lisa

    August 18th, 2014 at 1:03 AM

    This sounds exactly like my husband except for a baby is about to be born and he said it’s not his. Hmm

  • Kat

    Kat

    September 18th, 2014 at 8:26 PM

    I can help explain this . Basically , there are two parts to a man , his animal side and his More Romantic
    Spiritual side . He loves you with the spiritual side but unfortunately when the animal side kicks in , he simply wants to mate . His animal side over rides his thinking ability and his natural urge to procreate takes over . This has him doing many stupid things unless he has a powerful brain and a more developed spiritual romantic side . It’s like being hungry and confronted with delicious cakes and meals that are bad for you of all varieties and your mouth waters but after you’ve eaten, you may feel sick and swear you will never do it again . That is the best way to compare sexual addiction , to being hungry and you can’t just have the same meal every day . It becomes boring . Some people need to eat more than others . This hunger is not a reflection of you . It’s like an over eater being gluttonous but on sex . It really is the best analogy . The only help is for the man to become spiritually or emotionally uplifted other wise his beast and animal side will take over leading him to disastrous urges . I wish you all luck but it is sadly the way of the world . It does make me wonder why god created such faulty creatures .

  • Erin

    Erin

    August 12th, 2014 at 7:29 PM

    I’m going through this exact situation 3 years w/ my partner & we have an 18 month old and I’m currently 12 weeks pregnant. I’m the space of a month I’ve found him texting and on Facebook w/ two different girls caught two different times. Sending and receiving naked pictures. I’m so devastated. My trust is completely gone. I’ve been crying a lot over this and tonight he literally said I was crazy! Like I was being ridiculous for crying and feeling betrayed because “I would never cheat on you”! I know and understand some of this is out of his control. He has a disease that’s causes this to happen. Even so it’s his responsibility to get help & manage it. I’m terrified I won’t be enough or something in this pregnancy will leave unable to have sex. I know this is not healthy behavior for either party. It’s good to know there are so many others, I’m not alone.

  • loru

    loru

    September 19th, 2014 at 10:38 PM

    It may be an addiction but its a choice too. My husband has now gone from porn to sexting and truck prostitutes too. I feel for you – my husband says it I’m crazy too when I cry but wont admit to it . I am stuck so I feel for you too. And he tells me to stop touching him doesn’t want sex from me his wife but anyone else.

  • Jane

    Jane

    August 14th, 2014 at 2:14 PM

    I have been through the same, found out hubby was sexting girl he says he met through online scrabble, he said he did this for 3 months. Two weeks later I found out he was having sex online with men, he said he has a kinky side and men get him off quicker but he is not gay. I have tried to put this behind me but 2 days ago I found out he had a secret email account, in there he had done a good job of hiding all the emails, but forgot to erase the contact list where her name was, so now I know he emailed her, he also forgot to erase the one drive which had pictures that he had taken and other girls he had been talking to. I have tried to spice up our marriage to show him that I am all he needs but to now find this out I have to ask myself has our whole marriage been a sham, a lie, he does not respect me, and if he has been speaking to this girl all this time, why would he give her up now. I am sure he has a hidden app on his phone that he can talk to her
    I can’t live in a marriage where there is not trust, and I am always feeling down, men are not worth it

  • karin

    karin

    September 17th, 2014 at 12:15 AM

    Hi yes my hubby when I caught him show me where he hide it on his phone, show all icons check everywhere! And I’m also thinking wasn’t I good enough? What dit that slut do to keep him so busy in the bathroom 3 times a day, somethimes more? But now I try to go on a date with him but its 3weeks and his just to buzy? What the heck. I don’t know what to do? Must I try to be more over him. Or just go with the flow.

  • FastFarmer

    FastFarmer

    August 17th, 2014 at 3:01 PM

    Really… So many poor me, I’m a victim comments. If your husband is a sex addict, try embracing and accepting him. Try letting go and realising he is an adult too. If he is an addict then his need for sex is little to do with you. You were never married to meet all his needs and seriously there are worse things that could happen. Love him and support him and you will all be much happier.

  • Tammy

    Tammy

    August 30th, 2014 at 9:11 PM

    Wow! You make it sound so simple but I really wish it were. I have been married for 15yrs. My husband is addicted masterbation. He won’t admit to it, lies about it, has even told me that my mind is seeing thing that are not happening. He lies about a lot of things he does not want me knowing about. He is so wrapped up in protecting his secrets and not trusting me. He has pass words on all his devices to keep me out. He has never wanted to sleep with me or even likes to be near me or have my touch. It turns him off. If I ask him why, he says he works too hard and is too tired for sex but is attracted to me (although he recoils and snaps at me everytime I try to even hold his hand). This began the day after we married. It made me think for most of my marriage that I had done something wrong, that I was not beautiful, was not wanted or desired. I know that I am a very attractive woman as other men notice and I was never short of dates before him. It is very difficult being in bed with him each night listening as he pleases himself (I am an extremely light sleeper) knowing that he does want me and that he faces me sometimes to get more pleasure from it. The hardest part that I did not understand was that my husband was so selfish that he never cared about my needs or wants, my happiness, do what I wanted to do, or even worry about me when I was sick. I don’t know how many times that I went to the hospital alone when I was ill or in pain and the doctors had wondered why I was alone and that it was not safe to drive in my condition. He was always at home as he hated waiting at hospitals and my health never concerned him. He has always made any decisions we do and would get angry if you tried talking with him. He has no desire to have a conversation with you, he has no desire for socializing with people. I realize now that most of these traits are symptoms of his addiction. It has hurt me and changed me to stay in this marriage for the sake of love and that he does have a really good side. If you can overlook all the problems in the way. I still can’t but I keep trying.

  • loru

    loru

    September 19th, 2014 at 10:28 PM

    A marriage you forsake all others and sex is supposed tobe sspecial and holy between a husband and wife. Cheating belittles and if you can’t commit than go to your porn then but don’t play with someone’s heart. I want to have sex with my husband but now since he is looking at porn and cheating with lot lizards he acts as though I’m a hore for wanting to be with him!.

  • Gigi

    Gigi

    September 27th, 2014 at 8:15 AM

    Wow. Sound sooo familiar. Been married 15 years now. 5 ys ago i got a phone call from a debt collector bc my husband was using OUR checking account to pay for sex chatlines. He almost went to jail bc no money inthe account. Well, we since then of course i was devastated. A couple years later he or I started sleeping on the couch bc of his snoring. He gained alot of weight and slept very badly.Then eventually moved to his own bedroom. (I found out he was doing drugs.and had no desire to be with a cokehead) Well Dec 31st the BOMB dropped. He was having sex with some craigslist prostitute! !!! Of course he says he didnt no she was. Ya…..right. Well fast forward its now September and weve benn thru all the “STEPS”.We had our honeymoon faze and now back to reality. Ive tried dressing in cute little sex outfits and all those little things. But….after all this..heres my question. ..why when I initiate sex or even talk a little seductive he completely shuts down.My libido has gone thru the roof (sense weren’t really having much before)but now im the one wanting it. Mind you, ive been a good person inside and out.Now i feel dirty if i want it. FROM MY OWN HUSBAND!!! Im thinking sence he talked dirty to these girlsand lord only knowd what else should i just stop. Maybe it reminds him of what he did and im supposed to just be this saintly mother of his children. Help me understand this someone. Im actually thinking of leaving him cuz he treatsme like this. No women wants to be ignored for sex. What the heck. Thanks for listening. Ive never wrote or even asked for help bc im so embarrassed and a huge part of our community. Thanks

  • Bin

    Bin

    June 4th, 2015 at 4:56 AM

    Fastfarmer……I detect not much empathy!

  • designgirl

    designgirl

    August 18th, 2014 at 3:31 PM

    you really don’t belong on this forum if you think for one second accepting and loving and turning the other cheek is all you have to do to be happy with a sexual addict. If it works for you great but don’t come on here bullying others about their very real pain and torment. Porn is expensive, prostitutes cost money and stripclubs are designed to strip a lot of cash! By your account we should all sit back because after all there are worse things! Yes there really are like STD’s, arrests for solicting and completely drained bank accounts! These tbings are the tip of the iceberg!The pain felt is a whole other ballgame! For you or anyone to make such ignorant and bullying comments is uncalled for, most of us are in relationsnips or marriages to be and have an equal partner where each parnters needs are met not one person wrapped in a sexual addiction and the other left with nothing including the foundation of any good relationship which is trust, I can only hope you seek help instead of finding a need in your heart to ever post suchp ignorance and belittlement ever again!

  • Adropoftime

    Adropoftime

    August 20th, 2014 at 11:43 PM

    Well, being a guy its sad to see all of the posts here and lives that have been torn up. :( I know that I’m addicted to sex, at least to some degree. Im married and have been with my wife for about …well, long enough to have a kid in college if we had bothered to have kids, probably married for about half of that time.

    I have always had an extremely high sex drive, and unlike most guys, I can go on like the energizer bunny battery and usually its a battle between wearing myself out physically and having an orgasm.. Not really trying to brag or anything, just setting the stage mentally. Needless to say I never really had any problems finding women who were interested in me sexually because the large circle of friends and acquaintances that I had (most of my friends were women), if I had sex with one of the girls she had no problem sharing the details with her girlfriends. (I didnt find this out for a long time actually). I never really ‘dated’ in the actual sense of the word, it was always casual with friends or a friend hooking me up with one of her girlfriends. I remember the first time this happened too, one of the girls that I had sex with (never figured out who) had told another of our friends, her and her husband suggested a ‘blind date’ with a friend that I had talked to but hadnt actually met in person. (Her husband assured me she was cute). …they picked me up at my place and we went to dinner and a movie. She was really sweet and we had a great time, making use of the dark theatre to do some light kissing and petting. When we got back to my place for them to drop me off she got out as well and her girlfriend handed her an overnight bag! I had been setup, oh my! ;). Needless to say, things went well.

    This was in my early twenties. This was when I, as a single guy, discovered online porn, slightly before the internet was available. (Ill save you the trouble of explaining that). I NEVER paid for porn, unless I stopped somewhere to buy a magazine. Anybody that has to actually pay for porn with sooo much free stuff out there is an idiot. Pay for it? Not! (Just like id never pay for sex). Porn was, and is, a great release valve. Most of the girls I spent time with would have no problem looking at porn with me if I was interested, having some interest themselves. My wife would prob look with me if I asked her to, but she has no interest.

    I would actually go through phases, using porn then losing interest with other things consuming my time. Its always been like this though. My wife caused more of a constant use/need for porn though. Its weird, but for sone damned reason I cant fathom I fell IN love with this woman. This woman that has a virtually nonexistent sex drive. Its maddening! I wont get into all of the reasons/issues with her lack of drive, honestly after all of these years were just sorting out some things, that had I known about sooner, could have improved things.

    I feel absolutely NO shame about looking at porn. Why should I? Just because I look at it doesn’t mean I don’t love my wife, it serves a purpose for me and I dont feel it degrades women. (Well, I’ve seen some crap that should have never been done, and *that* i found objectionable…) if my wife asked my to quit looking at it I would simply tell her no. She knows I look at it, she just doesn’t mention it. I don’t let it affect our lives though. If anything affects our lives its her lack of interest in me. We have sex, but I am the one who always, always has to initiate it. Shes a great wife when it comes to anything relating to our lives or the house, BUT if it has ANYTHING to do with ANY kind of intimacy, and I don’t just mean sex, then I ALWAYS have to be the initiator. In my strange case, porn and my imagination are a large part of maintaining my sanity. Ive worked on it, prayed about it, been patient, supportive etc etc but nothing really changes for the most part. She just doesn’t see it, and honestly Im tired of talking about it or bringing it up. If I hadn’t been a damned fool and fallen in love with her, I would have left a long time ago.

    Ive never cheated on her, but to be honest even if I was having sex with another woman it wouldn’t really be cheating. To be cheating I would have to be taking something or keeping something from her, and thats kind of hard to do when she doesn’t want it or need it.

    It came up in conversation at one point, she assumed, lets say in the range of years 2-5, that I was having sex with someone else since she really wasn’t there for me. It didn’t seem to bother her that I could tell either, i don’t know if she was just happy that I was doing it and staying or fine with me getting my needs met elsewhere and she was fine with it. It was a strange revelation. I still get the impression that it would be fine if I were desecrate about it.

    I would never hire someone for something like that. Who the hell knows where they’ve been! …and I don’t like condoms (i have enough trouble having an orgasm without them) so if I did decide to have sex with someone else I would have to really know them and trust them to know that they were clean. (Pregnancy is a non-issue). I think being lazy is a big part of why I never have, honestly two women would be too much work, unless we all lived under the same roof ;). I look all the time, mind you, my mind works overtime often playing ‘what if’. I would never consider putting my health or my wife’s health at risk though. Sometimes when Im more frustrated and pissed off than usual I think about telling her she needs to work with me to find and approve a surrogate wife/gf ;). …haven’t done that yet though. Heh.
    Mostly its a filler/relief valve for feeling lonely, miserable and alone, some times occasionally, sometimes often. Well there you have it for the most part, I wont give a deeper psych buildup but you get the point, a guys perspective. I realize my addiction isn’t nearly as bad as most of the stuff I read on here but maybe it will be of some kind of help for someone.

  • Bin

    Bin

    June 4th, 2015 at 4:45 AM

    You say that you have never cheated on your wife. I’m sorry, but in saying that you are delusional. It doesn’t sound like you respect her. She has asked you to give up virtual sex with other females. So, give it up.

    Looking at pornography takes you away from your wife emotionally. It takes away the connection with her. She will feel neglected and disrespected. There will be an invisible wedge between you…that is why she doesn’t want to have sex with you. It is NOT to do with your wife. The problems you are having are to do with YOU.

    I suggest you get some CAT ( congnitive analytical therapy ). Take a look at what happened in you childhood. Were you abused?
    No amount of sex will sooth childhood pain. The more meaningless sex you have the more your brain will desire it. It will never end and you will never feel happy in the real world until you get proper help.

  • I don't know where to go from here

    I don't know where to go from here

    August 26th, 2014 at 3:13 PM

    I’ve been going through the ups and downs of this for my entire marriage, so about 8 years. I’ve found my husband on dating websites, adult “friend” websites,cam girl sites, and regular porn websites as well as knowing that he occasionally buys pornographic magazines and dvds. About a year ago, I decided to let it go, and let him do what he wants. Honestly I felt very free and happy to no longer worry. But today, I found him watching porn on his phone when he should have been looking after our 1 and 2 year olds. (I was going to take a nap after being up all night with them and letting my husband sleep in). They were in the same room as him. I am disgusted and sick to my stomach, I don’t care anymore what he does in his own time, but this seems wrong to me. I don’t even know what to do, or whom to confide in, if anyone.

  • Caity

    Caity

    September 1st, 2014 at 11:09 PM

    My husband and I have been married for almost 2 years and we have two beautiful children. I’m so in love with him but he has struggled with a porn addiction for a while. At first he was seeking help but be kept lying to them saying he was doing good when really he wasn’t. And then recently, he said he wasn’t happy and wanted a divorce. He proceeded to blame it on that I don’t let him have his freedom.. When I asked if it was about video games or drinking with his buddies or another woman he said it didn’t matter it was too late. Then a day later he said all he wants to do is sleep around and not have to worry about hurting anybody’s feelings or having responsibilities.. I’m so hurt, I still love him and want to fight for my marriage but he’s making it so hard and he told me he wants nothing to do with God anymore.. What can I do to draw him back to me and our children.. I don’t want to lose the only man I ever really loved!! I don’t want anyone else!!

  • Sue

    Sue

    September 2nd, 2014 at 3:09 PM

    Best advice I can give is if you have no children and can not live with this behavior. Please please know that it is an addiction just like drugs and will never go away. NEVER

    His addiction has nothing to do with you. If I found out years ago before children I would have divorced because it tears my heart out.

    I’m so sorry for any of you hurting.

  • SHARRON

    SHARRON

    September 4th, 2014 at 3:49 AM

    I found out three years ago my fiancé of 12 years had gone overseas whilst I was in hospital (though we had broken up during that time) and paid for young Filipino prostitutes.. then he back back and within a month went back again…
    When we got back together he told me… which caused the start of PTSD… but we kept trying to move on and get past it..
    But then I went on his computer .. so much porn, and photos of his Filipino prostitutes.. even a video… i sat and watched whilst sitting in shock .. and the only thing I could think of was… how will I survive this..
    it has been 4 months and he says he wont look at porn again because he has gone back to God (we do not live together)… and he wants us to work out because he knows now what he had…blah blah… for a week we were together but I had triggers everywhere and it sent me into a spiral of depression … he doesn’t understand why I cant just say goodbye to the past if hes trying … and to move on…
    From what Im gathering from everything I have read.. the success rate for recovering from Porn Addiction is not very good… and staying with a man who has this problem devalues you to the very core… and the pain is almost unbearable … so you have to make the choice… is it more unbearable living this way or is it more unbearable living without him.. I am 52.. I am no spring chicken.. Im not unattractive but I am not young either…my world has been turned upside down… I do not know my place in this world anymore.. I trusted him… I thought he would be the last man in the world that would do these things.. esp. the Filipinos… (his friends go over there).. how do you get over the trauma… I don’t know… because I feel I am just existing but existing with a completely smashed heart…

  • Jazz

    Jazz

    September 12th, 2014 at 6:45 PM

    I have checked his emails his games Text messages he had a fantasy of playing sex games that didn’t bother me he played his games he was horned up so I loved it. I have never refused this man but now he wants to meet local woman for sex from creigs list I know its going to happen.
    In in time I have done and tried everything in the book. He promised me he was done he loved me too much, I looked on his computer the next day he is already talking to some chick to meet him when they were far away I felt safe now I feel scared disrespected used hurt and if he does go meet up with her he can stay with her I’m tired of the pain and the fighting. I told him I am going to do it to him he has a fit. No matter how much I love him its still hurts I ask him how can you say you love me when you think someone else’s pussy can make you happy

  • kaitlyn

    kaitlyn

    September 14th, 2014 at 10:00 AM

    I don’t know what to do anymore. . Is it best to stay with him for our daughter? ? .. my husband and I have an 8 month old daughter. We got pregnant after only 6 months of being together and proceeded to get married 6 months later. We were so in Love, had the most perfect relationship and we never fought… or so I thought we were in Love. 2 weeks after my daughter was born I found out he had been cheating on me the whole time we were together! He was on online dating websites, craigslist, ect… I was so shocked, hurt, betrayed, disrespected! I thought this man was a completely different person! A liar a cheater a pathetic man. I confronted him and of course he denied it until I showed him on his tablet. I was completely depressed andalready fighting post partum depression. Ihad no family in the state we were living in and felt completely alone. And here I had a 2 week old beautiful amazing daughter I knew I needed to be strong for. I grew up with divorced parents and promised I would never let that happen to my children. He of course promised he would stop bla bla bla. We ended up moving back to my home state with my family. He left town for a month for work and what do you know? He’s back at it (probably cuz he never stopped being unfaithful) I caught him again by tricking him acting like one of his whores (he’s not the smartest). Once again he said he’d stop and he came back. I now know that he goes into the bathroom and watches porn multiple times a day. Seriously? And he’s probably still talking to other women. I seriously have lost all respect for him and don’t even wanna have sex with him anymore. We still get along great but he continues to lie to me. I don’t know what to do… I don’t know if anyone will actually read this but writing all of this down in some way helped. I haven’t been able to tell anyonebecause I don’t want family and friends being involved or judging… if there is anyone else out there that feels the same way and just wanna talk/ vent I would like to talk to you too

  • Kat

    Kat

    September 18th, 2014 at 8:11 PM

    All men are the same . Get over it . They get bored and want to sew their wild seed and also , doesn’t help that in general a lot of wives stop grooming and being fun and interesting and the sex becomes too predictable . I am a female who also gets bored quickly. Maybe I was born with a male brain if such a thing exists . All I know , my last bf would schedule sex and it was so boring and it wasn’t enough and I started to look elsewhere . Some people can’t help being over sexed . Maybe try costumes and keep fit and spice your life up . Men need stimulation and yes , variety. They are in general like bulls or dogs on heat and that’s how nature has made them . The ideas women have of romance don’t fit the man’s ideas. It’s not always your fault and sometimes it is and either way , it is how God made men , unfortunately . They can only commit for a while . They fall in love and then they change once the initial excitement wears off . Also , some women don’t
    Cater to the man’s ego enough so that doesn’t help . A man’s ego is very fragile . I only date married older men now due to the fact can’t be bothered with the bs of a relationship and it’s not my fault the man cheats . It is his own choice and no, I don’t want to steal him
    Away from the woman . It’s purely a sexual thing . Men are like animals that need sexual pleasure . It hurts at first and then you realise it is only the princess fairy tales made you think other wise . Life is not a fairy tale and neither is love . It is a rocky road and very few are lucky enough to have true love , if any . By the way , they will lie about it and deny but if you have a feeling they’re up to no good , they probably are . The man I am seeing comes sees me early before work and his wife merely thinks he is keen to go to work . I wouldn’t take him if he was single or any man for that matter . They are all the same . Who needs love ? LOVE YOURSELF. All men are dogs . It’s not your fault . It’s Mother Nature .

  • loru

    loru

    September 19th, 2014 at 10:07 PM

    Honey where is your conscience? And please do not insult woman by acting like you care while you are willing to screw their husbands. You are being a hyprocrite.

  • Shida

    Shida

    September 30th, 2014 at 7:32 AM

    you’re right you do things like a man you sound just like my husband you probably one of them that he’s been with who knows all I know is you’re very handsome certain subject why are you even commenting if you feel that way then. we had separated for a few months and while we were separated he left his phone while he was on one of his escapades I found maybe one of the numbers from plentyoffish and Craigslist. although I do like sex very much I still had sex with him while we were separated but it came to point where I said listen I’m wasting my time with you sexually. he erased all the numbers and supposedly deleted all the other dating sites but then suggested that we become swingers which I don’t have a problem with I’d rather do it with him then and do it behind my back. we’ve been on AFF for almost 3 months and have not done anything there’s always a reason why they can’t or we can’t so I don’t know what he wants I don’t think you do anything right now but who knows. he told me that having sex with someone else is a step up for masturbation. but that it’s always been different with me I have been with him for 27 years we are both freaks but I do not like being cheated on and lied to and betrayed.

  • Ms. Wife

    Ms. Wife

    January 3rd, 2015 at 6:57 PM

    Wow. Just think! You don’t even have to leave the trailer park. The trash comes straight to you! LOL
    I know you think that you are punishing these married guys because some cheating slob hurt you once upon a time. Unfortunately, life doesn’t work that way at all. At the end of the day, you fell for it all and they leave YOU behind. You are worth more but you’ll have to convince yourself of that first. How sad. Therapy can help.

  • Jus

    Jus

    November 21st, 2015 at 11:24 AM

    Hi there Kat you don’t live in ellensburg do ya lol Isn’t know if I’m paranoid or what but I have this feeling everyday should I trust my gut

  • amber

    amber

    September 28th, 2014 at 1:59 AM

    I would love to talk i am so depressed i cant take this anymore and no one understands

  • carmillia

    carmillia

    September 30th, 2014 at 7:02 PM

    Wow its almost like im listening to my own life, except i have 3 children with mine and were not married, i think maybe moving back home and leaving him my be the solution.

  • Laura

    Laura

    January 4th, 2015 at 4:36 PM

    I am in the same place you are. I called my husband on his cheating 3 1/2 years ago. He made promises. We did counselling. He would do things for awhile to make things better, then stop. I found him out, he was texting women again. Again he said he would stop. More counselling. Again with the texting. I told him one day I would just let him hang himself. Well, I found out last month that he was texting again and finally he told me that he had seen another woman. I don’t want anything to do with him. I have lost all respect for him.

  • Molly

    Molly

    September 14th, 2014 at 3:53 PM

    Kaitlyn,
    I’m so sorry you’re going through this, and all of you other spouses and partners, this is truly heartbreaking and I hope you find the support and help you need. I can tell you that staying with the sex addict poisoned my children, even though I did not know about it for their earliest years and they did not “know” about it until their late teens. The presence of an addict in the home is poisonous, children can sense the lies and it makes them feel anxious, low self-esteem, and depressed. Outsiders would have sworn they had a wonderful Dad, but my children somehow knew in their hearts that something was not right, but kids tend to absorb that onto themselves and see themselves as somehow damaged, instead of being able to place the responsibility on the parent – especially when mom is doing the “stand by her man” act like the naive, trusting abuse victim does. Now they are in their 20s and they struggle with debilitating depression, anxiety, PTSD and immune disorders and these problems can all be traced back to the influence living with an active addict all those years. They find themselves attracted to addicts (especially sex addicts) without knowing it, getting their hearts broken again and again. Educate yourself on the recovery process from this trauma you’ve experienced and keep yourself and your precious child safe. There are some great resources out there: this site is one, posarc is another, Good luck.

  • Sarah

    Sarah

    September 16th, 2014 at 8:47 AM

    To everyone on this site who is in a relationship with a sex addict: Run…as fast as you can…get out…now. I wish someone would have told me that 11 yrs ago. Yes, they appear charming. Yes, they often express sorrow or remorse – after they get caught, of course – for their actions and promise to change. Yes, they may be good fathers. Yes, they may have other good qualities. Everyone has good traits. Hitler was kind to animals, was an artist and an early feminist but we all know that his evil outweighed any good. Despite any goodness these addicts may possess, they are still addicts. They are still liars. They are still master manipulators. They are still cheats. If you want to live a life where you are always anxious, always doubting yourself, always being someone’s emotional punching bag, always physically sick and always trying to desperately hold your life together when you know that any day it could fall apart with the uncovering of 1 more secret, 1 more lie or 1 more relapse, then stay with the addict. If you want your children to see how unhappy you are and have their little souls crushed by all the dysfunction in their home, if you want them to believe that this is how romantic relationships are supposed to work and then recreate these same patterns in their own life, then stay with the addict. However, if you want to live with self-respect, want to enjoy your life, want to show your children that life is about joy, love and laughter and that they shouldn’t settle for less, and if you want to actually live life again then run…as fast as you can…get out…now. Because your addict is driving the addiction bus on which you and your children are only passengers and have no control. The addict is going to drive that bus off a cliff sooner or later and the only thing you can do is grab your children and jump out before that happens. Let me tell you, it’s wonderful when you jump out and start living life again. I had forgotten what real joy, laughter and peace felt like. Once you get a taste of it, you can’t imagine ever living without it. So, please get out now – no matter how fearful you may be- and begin living life again.

  • May

    May

    October 26th, 2014 at 12:28 PM

    What if he has my children completely fooled? He has them thinking he is the good guy while I look like the bad guy because I am so filled with anger all of he time because of all of his lies and secrets

  • Lisa

    Lisa

    October 28th, 2014 at 8:21 PM

    May, I feel the same way. My 8 yr old son has no idea what’s going on & it’s causing so much strife & stress. My husband filed for divorce the day after I found his porn collection, but he was already caught in an affair, so it was going to happen anyway. Prayers please & o will pray for you too!

  • Susan

    Susan

    October 28th, 2014 at 8:44 PM

    Wow, after reading your column I absolutely agree with u. The addict will never change he’s only sorry when he gets caught. Thank you!

  • Casandra

    Casandra

    October 30th, 2014 at 3:55 AM

    Loved what you posted – just recently happened to me. I did my own detective work and found so much stuff. I moved out this past weekend. Now he is saying let’s get married, you can track me thru GPS and the crocodile tears. As I was finding out stuff I could not believe how he could act like such a loving guy, probably way more attentive.
    This week has been extremely hard .
    Would love to chat with you.

  • Amanda

    Amanda

    November 6th, 2014 at 8:38 PM

    This made me cry. Thank you though, I needed that.

  • Dee

    Dee

    September 9th, 2015 at 5:43 PM

    Well said, Sarah. I would like to echo your advice to run. I just did and wish I had left sooner. I am broken hearted after only being married for just over a year. I am still in shock and would not have believed my husband was a SA until I discovered evidence about six months ago. He kept dragging out the resolution process, at times saying he would go to counselling and then cancelling. I’m done. Life is too short to live in misery and be abused.

  • Jane

    Jane

    September 16th, 2014 at 11:55 PM

    Hi I’m not sure if my husband is. Porn Addict or if I would consider him so we have been together since I was 16 he was 23 yes I know ok well when we got together we went thru a lot at that time I was dumb and did not now that much of relationships affairs and all I worked my butt off while he stayed at home with our baby witch I would get home and my baby would have a rash and all he did would play his games as soon as I got home he would leave and won’t be back until 2am I never cares at that time I had kicked him out many times and he would not go then he got sent to jail for like 3monhhs and I was loyal and supported him he gets out n I get pregnant with our second kid and so on we have 4 kids total I’ve caught him video chatting with girls n he stoped I’ve caught him watching porn n he would stop but randomly do it witch I really don’t mind I’ve even offer to watch it with him but he says no my only issue is the titles “teenage virgins” I’m only 21 now and he’s 28 we have 2girls 2boys 5,3,2,1 it discusses me to see that I confronted him about it and he’s excuse was so what the girls that do it are 18or older i told him he sounds like the stupidest person I know the problem is he controls me a lot I can’t go out I don’t have friends for new eyes he said he’s resolution was to be a better husband and father and I believed him well he’s job would always send him out of town with a 20year old single guy with not kids or wife and they would always gladly volunteer on top of that he would always want to buy me stuff randomly it turns out ever since before New Years he would go out of town and talk to girls on chat lines with the other co worker he tried to tell me it was fb ppl near u but fb does not have that option bc the names where spec filch searched for on our fb and I had no idea who they where and when I went to the fb of it was girls that lived in the areas he would work out of town the first time I confronted him it was for dec bc that’s all I had seen or payed attention to then I did more looking into and he had been doing as recently as a week prior searching for random girls names that lived out of town. It hurt me bc I been in situations like that with him too many times and it hurts so much the thought of us separating I cry myself to sleep bc. If that I can’t trust him and everything becomes and arguments . I want to leave I have no freedom with him my kids I love them to death but they where all preventable but he would control my birthcontrol even up to recently he would not give me 65 for a 10yr birth control but he wanted to take me out shopping prioritys? I’ve always told him I feel stuck with him bc of the kids and I think that’s what he was trying to accomplish he controlled my school situation and my jobs I had to quit bc of him ! He swears he has never officially cheated on me and never have met with girls he says it has only been they chat lines and that he don’t plan to do it anymore I hacked all his stuff where I can see what he searches where he’s at and stuff but now he is going out of his way to change his password and rest his phone as much as he can he said I have to trust him! But I already hacked his new phone and account and I did not find anything but he could easily delted his histoy now and stuff. It’s so hard to trust him again I hate it any reconditions should I run leave him we have been togther for 5yrs I feel more distant from him that I have ever been before

  • Kat

    Kat

    September 18th, 2014 at 7:57 PM

    Complain ! Complain ! Complain! That’s all these women do. If you not happy , just leave and stop bitching and be a woman can stand on her own two feet . He’s not god . You’re the one allowing him to run your life . Geezus ! No wonder he wants someone else !

  • loru

    loru

    September 19th, 2014 at 10:00 PM

    That is very insensitive. Leaving a relationship and especially a marriage is a major decision and not to be done lightly and if it is too easy to leave relationships that person may have a deficiency in being able to form attachments. Also don’t shoot the wounded. It is a process and takes courage to admit there is a problem!. Yourfreind will need probably several times encouraged and not you too belittling them tooby saying hhow you can’t believe they didn’t leave yet and are tired of listening to them. If you say the truth from love and nonjudgmental than that is different and be there for them.

  • Tiny Tina

    Tiny Tina

    September 23rd, 2014 at 1:42 PM

    I erased my post replying to the insensitive comments above. Thanks for your gracious and classy response!

  • Laura

    Laura

    January 4th, 2015 at 4:19 PM

    Wow, really. These women are tore up inside. I know how it feels personally not to have anyone to turn to for support. Maybe you shouldn’t be on the site, because it’s obviously something you haven’t gone through. It is hard making a decision when you have been with someone for many years, and you have a family. The hurt and pain makes it very hard to think clearly.

  • Mary

    Mary

    September 26th, 2014 at 10:07 PM

    The most important issue is your children! That man is distracted and seems to be keeping you quite busy with children he does not pay attention to. Make yourself beautiful as I am sure you are. Focus on getting any and all help available. Help your children get enough protein and a good diet so their brains can develop properly. You do not have to teach them anything special, just talk to them like and read good stories to them every day. Soon they will emulate your interest and good example. Though not much of a churchgoer we found a lot of help and good people at church. God is love, Goddess love, whatever; get some spirituality and higher power in your lives! It helps!
    Keep them away from the porn and do not leave them alone without supervision. Your work is your child. You like to write and have a steam of consciousness that is focused and intelligent. Get some punctuation and keep learning all you can!
    OmGlo

  • amber

    amber

    September 28th, 2014 at 1:52 AM

    Your situation is crazy similar to mine im 24 have 4 kids 2 mos,1,3,5 yrs been with my guy 9 years and i cant even begin to tell u what he does makes yours seem like an angel in the cheating area

  • Cheryl

    Cheryl

    December 24th, 2014 at 9:49 PM

    I’m sure my huz beats all of u.

  • karin

    karin

    September 16th, 2014 at 11:56 PM

    Hi all. It is very very sad. I caught my husband a month ago having phone sex. I can’t come over it. He could see I run around with our 3 kids, washing, making food, homework everything but he sits on his phone because the sl*t was put first. So he stopped it and promise never again. he was only interrested of how. But from time to time I think of “ya you can’t give time of for me but you did for sl*ts” how am I ever gonne get over it?

  • Jodie

    Jodie

    September 22nd, 2014 at 5:32 AM

    Hi can some one help me as I’m going out of my mind :( I’ve been in a relationship now for nearly 5 years everything’s been going great for most of the time until we get to the weekends his always on porn sites looking at young hot blondes big tits, long brown haired models ect for hours and not even acknowledge I’m the there and if I try then well it’s a lot of effort to get him hard! He’s looks on swingers sites and talks a lot about experiencing a threesome. I’ve got to the stage where I don’t know what to do it makes me feel unattractive but I love him so much and he never wants to do anything never even been on holiday during the time together

  • distraught1010

    distraught1010

    October 5th, 2014 at 8:34 AM

    I just found out my husband has been on port sites and now according to an email I found in his deleted he is looking for men and women.

    I am so confused I am trying to keep it together. We just moved to a new state and I have no friends or relatives nearby.

  • Distraught1010

    Distraught1010

    October 5th, 2014 at 4:34 PM

    I have been married for 4years this coming Friday. I think I am in shock we just relocated to a new state and I have no friends or family near me.
    I just found out the other day that my husband has had an account on AFF adult friends finder. I was so shocked. I noticed a Craigslist email he had in his delayed folder to an ad to someone looking for descreet men. I am very computer litterate so I was able to go to the ad and saved the email to my Dropbox folder he can’t see. I even saved the pictures of the ‘She-male’ and in the email is the conversation with the address of the she-male. My hb told him his AFF ID so I started investigating it and found it.

    I created a dummy I’d on AFF and I am able to see when he last logged on. I am documenting everything. He is a gold member so I plan on doing this via money order so he does not see the transaction he controls all the bills.

    We were married on 10/10/10 and he joined AFF in 4/2011 just 6 mths in our marriage. He tells me I am his world and our sex life is great. But he has mentioned that he likes aggressive sex. So I know this is. A red flag,

    I purposely did not have sex with him this morning I went for a bike ride then when I returned I noticed he was in the bathroom moaning so I logged onto AFF and it stated that he was online at the moment. I could not see with who until I do the gold membership

    So I went to our bath room and he as still moaning. I made noise by washing. My hands and he stops and flushes the toilet and opens the door and says in a play voice on how was my ride.

    I can’t believe I have been able to lie to him by being calm and somewhat normal to him without him letting on.
    I was raised to take my marriage vows seriously

    I plan on finding a dr so I can get checked to make sure I have not contracted anything

    I just don’t know what to do I am not working yet but when I do I plan on
    1. Opening a checking account for a partial deposit of my pay check
    2. Saving as much money I can
    3. Getting a credit card in my name only

    Then I don’t know whAt next….

  • GoodTherapyAdmin

    GoodTherapyAdmin

    October 6th, 2014 at 9:37 AM

    Thanks for your comment, Distraught1010. If you would like to consult with mental health professional, please feel free to return to our homepage, https://www.goodtherapy.org/, and enter your zip code into the search field to find therapists in your area. If you’re looking for a counselor that practices a specific type of therapy, or who deals with specific concerns, you can make an advanced search by clicking here: https://www.goodtherapy.org/advanced-search.html

    Once you enter your information, you’ll be directed to a list of therapists and counselors who meet your criteria. From this list you can click to view our members’ full profiles and contact the therapists themselves for more information. You are also welcome to call us for assistance finding a therapist. We are in the office Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Pacific Time; our phone number is 888-563-2112 ext. 1.

    Warm Regards,

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Broken hearted

    Broken hearted

    October 7th, 2014 at 6:50 AM

    I was with my boyfriend for over two years I loved him so much I woke up in the middle of the night and he was watching porn I didn’t think anything of it until I looked at the man on the porn and it was him.well he denied it of course but I remember the website so I went and looked it up I found hundreds and hundreds of videos of my boyfriend with random women.and so I broke up with him.he also was doing crystal meth,but he was taking it too far he was smoking it he will snorting it and he was even eating it.he was stealing from me every chance that he could.him and I had made a few videos together so every once in awhile I would go on that site and see if you posted any of my videos and he didn’t but I saw a threesome with him and a white couple.and he was letting the husband give him oral sex and he wanted it.and then I thought he can’t be gay I would just have to type in gay black porn and he is on every site he is a shemale he’s dressed up like a woman he is kissing on these men he is rubbing on them and saying things to them that he said to me.and of course he denies it I have found at least 600 videos of him and different men and women. and he goes on and he tries to edit his skin and all of his tattoos and he has 50 million different profiles that he is set up but I know him I was with him 2 years I know his body I know how he has sex.and he has broken my heart I tried to and edit some of the videos so I could you see his face and I did and of course he denies it. there are no words to express how I feel. the side of his face the thought of his voice makes me want to throw up, and I want to go get an HIV test and I’m so scared because I saw him sleep with these men and these women with no protection. he never loved me he never even liked me he just used me. I am so lost and broken hearted. I am so glad that I found this site because I can’t tell anyone because I’m embarrassed that was with the man who dresses up like a female and hugs and kisses on men like they’re female. that’s it I’m going to go for now but I am so hurt. women watch your back the down low its a real thing and it’s here.

  • Tonya L.

    Tonya L.

    October 8th, 2014 at 12:10 PM

    hi I just found my husband curious about men. He hasn’t YET but I’m scared. I love him and want to support him but this is taking the cake. He is willing to get help do u have ideas plssss

  • tammy

    tammy

    November 20th, 2014 at 8:05 PM

    I don’t do these website comments but I read a few so I decide to comment. I have been married for 8 years I loved my husband we have two beautiful boys together. He is in the military and he moved away for a few months and I stayed with my mom. Things started to change because he wasn’t around so we argued and fought a lot from him being away. I felt so alone and empty because I am a family women and I feel as though no family should be seperated. Long story short she. I went to visit him I searched his computer and found gay porn shemales I was beyond shocked and couldn’t believe what I had found. After I had thought about it. It made since because at times he couldn’t perform I didn’t no if it was me or not. I am a very sexual person and I love to please who am with and am also a known model so am not unattractive. I have never been so hurt and I have never felt so low. I couldn’t believe I was even going through something like i this. I never pictured this being my life I feel out of love with him because I don’t truly know him when I confront him about it he lies saying his friend used his computer yeah right. I found over 100 sites and videos downloads and I caught him on Craig’s list men for men. I can’t do it no more I wanna be with someone who loves me for me and not trying to hide who he really is. Diseases are real

  • pema

    pema

    October 11th, 2014 at 4:24 PM

    I actually feel you should visit a councillor.
    Everything will be fine.

  • TG

    TG

    October 23rd, 2014 at 10:13 AM

    This is a growing issue,
    Each situation teaches us, calm communication, and the ability to take responsibility will go a long way.
    however if one is in denial, especially the person who is the cause; then it becomes more of a challenge to fix.
    However keeping love at the core, challenging ego consciousness with heart based consciousness, will we trust sooth and keep faith for the better days.
    Life is not always plain sailing, we must learn master the tricky situations.
    iamlove.com I happened upon, good for those willing to change their habits to view. thank you and wishing everyone the best with their challenges x peace and love, T

  • Don

    Don

    October 27th, 2014 at 12:37 AM

    I am frustrated my wife got caught up in a romance scam that she ended up losing 65 thousand dollars of her inheritance! I forgave her but now she is back on chat lines because in her words she is BORED! It is frustrating to me because every morning she is on her phone and she told me she talks to other men and I told her I just dont give a shit anymore. I text my ex-wife and she does not care. She says she needs attention from other men and I ask her I dont give you enough? Our sex life is great in fact it is better then any other time in our 23 year year relationship! We get along great now and we go out and have a good time! I get frustrated sometimes because tonight she went to bed early because she has to get up early and then I go in the bedroom and she is on her phone. I know I cant tell her what to do and I have to trust her but I get angry because I feel like I am competing with who ever she is on the phone with! I tell her if she can do what she wants with liberal ways in our marriage then I will go out and buy myself a new corvette. I will text my ex-wife also but to me all we are doing is heading for a divorce or a very open marriage in the future! I have gotten to the point of I JUST DONT CARE ANYMORE! Does anybody have any suggestions? Do not suggest counseling because we already tried that and it did not work! She says she loves me but she just needs to have her space and talk to others on chat lines women also not just men! I feel like she is pushing me towards another woman!

  • Trish

    Trish

    October 29th, 2014 at 10:32 PM

    Don, I’m in the same situation as you are. I’ve been with my husband for five years and during my pregnancy I noticed my husband acting strange and it bothered me. I prayed that it was my pregnancy hormones and that I was overacting however that was only wishful thinking. One night while he was asleep I worked up enough guts to look through his phone and I was crushed with what I saw. For most of my pregnancy he has been emailing women on Craigslist and has been arranging to meet up with them for sex. He also created accounts on dating sites and Facebook accounts. I confronted him and at first he said that I was crazy and that its my imagination. Well he finally admitted to everything but claimed that he was “bored” and did it all for attention and that he has never met up with anyone. I believe him but I’m not sure if I’m being in denial. He saw how hurt I was and promised to stop doing it. We have a great sex life and I’m very open to all his needs. I told him that I will forgive but it will be awhile before I forget. Well months passed and we have a newborn. My whole world is devoted to our baby. He would tell me how much he loves me and our baby but he’s not giving us much attention. Lately I’ve noticed him making efforts to hide his phone and or he puts it away when I’m around. Like you I’m at the point where I don’t care anymore. I thought about just packing up and taking off but we’re married and we have a newborn. I told myself that I rather be seperated happy parents raising our child then miserable raising together. Well that’s easier said then done. I suffered from postpartum and I have mention to him that he’s caused me to feel insecure and unhappy. He has begged and promised that he’ll do whatever it take to keep his family happy. It’s difficult to heal when I’m ashamed to talk about this to anyone I know. I feel that he’s being odd but I have no desire to go through his phone. Everyday that I think about packing up and leaving, I would start crying thinking of how unfair this is to our son. We wanted him. We tried for years for him. I don’t feel like my baby deserve him as a father and I feel like I failed as a mother for brining him into this world to have a father like him.

  • Amanda

    Amanda

    November 6th, 2014 at 8:32 PM

    I feel like I could have written this last year. And sadly the same now. But I just felt I had to say, I know exactly how you feel.

  • Crystal

    Crystal

    March 5th, 2015 at 2:10 PM

    I’m new at learning what my bf/Daughter’s Dad has been up to apparently since we met 3 years Ago…reading your post I feel like your words are exactly my life right now wow…word for word!

  • Kylie

    Kylie

    March 9th, 2015 at 2:26 PM

    I know how you feel! I’m almost in the same situation with my boyfriend of four years

  • Natalie

    Natalie

    May 2nd, 2015 at 3:54 PM

    Hi Trish!
    I was moved by your story and want to know how you’re doing.
    Would like to start chatting with you to support you.
    Natalie

  • Molly

    Molly

    October 27th, 2014 at 8:49 AM

    I am so hurt that’s hub and is looking at porn esp after I explained how hurt I was about it before he promised not to do this again and now he is I feel so let down I don’t know how to talk to him about it

  • susan

    susan

    April 15th, 2015 at 9:57 PM

    Molly, I hope things are good for you now. I am in the sane boat as you I just caught porn vidoes on my husbands phone and i feel so betrayed . we aren’t talking right now , I don’t think it will ever be the same . We used to look together before kids but said we would never do alone or without some alcohol etc. He knows I am so disgusted by him looking at other girls but he does it anyway. Hope things are better for you molly.

  • Bob M.

    Bob M.

    October 28th, 2014 at 1:08 PM

    Well I had felt funny for sometime. I felt there was something going on and I just couldn’t put a finger on it. So I’m thinking why isn’t my wife interest ed in sex anymore m is there someone else or is she doing it herself. So I put up camera to see what was going on. Guess what she was master baiting every night after I fall asleep. And sometimes after sex. I asked her if I satisfied her she says that I did. So now I’m thinking why are you doing what your do8ng. She told me I was crazy it was my imagination. There is no possible way I could of imagined all of the videos I seen . Now she said she wanted to divorce me . Why would she want to do that. Someone help me . I’ve been married to her for 15 years some one give a tip to help me out

  • Michelle

    Michelle

    October 29th, 2014 at 7:10 PM

    I have known about my husband’s porn addiction for over 3 years and have struggled with the idea of leaving him. We have been married 5 years and he is getting more and more distant. I am no prude but he is constantly asking for three-somes and swinging. I gave in once and regretted it because I didn’t want to do it. But he still asks at least 10 times a week. If I mention anyone I work with that is a woman he talks about them sexually and won’t stop asking me to invite them over. I can’t have any friends because of this. He can’t usually stay hard to have sex with me anymore after looking at too much porn all day I am not enough for him. He of course denies it though. When we do have sex it is usually rough and fast. I can’t even remember the last time he made love to me or even kissed me. I asked him if he has cheated and he responded like a guilty person but I have no proof. He is distant in areas not related to sex too. He hasn’t let me sleep in bed with him for most of our marriage. I sleep on the couch and had to take most of my stuff out of the bedroom. He has lame excuses for this about not being able to sleep with someone in the bed. He also won’t wear a wedding ring or celebrate anniversaries or valentine’s day or holidays. No presents after we got married. …only while dating…not even one since. He stays at home when I go to family holiday dinners unless it is at his parents. He plays video games after work til dinner. He won’t cut the grass or do anything at home. I just don’t understand why he got married. I feel like a fool for marrying him and staying so long. I will leave but am afraid I don’t have much hope anymore about love and relationships.

  • Cloie

    Cloie

    October 29th, 2014 at 11:30 PM

    Unfortunately I too know how you all feel. But somewhat on a different level. When I first met my husband he got me to watch porn with him while we were in the bedroom this was the first time in my 38yrs I had ever had intimate relations while porn was playing in the back ground or even watched any type of porn with anyone. At first this did not occur all the time and it was couples together nothing real crazy so I must admit in away I was turned on. I had know idea that he watched porn without me on a daily basis I later found out the he was Talking to women one on one in chat rooms! I couldn’t believe I felt betrayed and unwanted undesirable the whole 9 yards . I just couldn’t understand why he would want another woman to say “those” kinda things to him when we had such a fantastic sexual life. He promised me he would stop chating with the women but the porn in the bedroom still continued now its all the time…. and all kinds threesome’s anal he even tried to get me to watch gay men I was so appalled. He now keeps bringing up a threesome. Him and I and another woman! I’m so torn and heart broken I don’t understand him wanting to be intimate with someone else if he truly loves me? He states it just sex and to me it’s everything ! I cant watch him have sex with another woman nor do I want him to watch another man be with me. He looks at porn everyday its everywhere on his laptop, cell phone and even his Face Book.

  • charlene

    charlene

    November 16th, 2014 at 7:59 AM

    It is really terrifying to be in this situation granted that the guy is really a good man per see. He treats you special, he’s showering you love and attention , I am in this difficult situation where in a choice between staying and letting go is so hard to find. He is really at least I can say a good catch. But he seeks sex from others sometimes I’m even afraid that he is lusting over my friends… what a pain. .. I discovered he’s paying sex and he’s addicted to porn. While we are doing the craziest trick in bed seems I can never satisfy him enough… I’m enjoying being with him yet I’m afraid I’m putting myself in a lowest level of self respect…. hope to be brave enough to decide soon.

  • Erik

    Erik

    November 19th, 2014 at 3:55 AM

    In the past week I have gone from thinking I had a nearly perfect marriage to discover my husband has been having hook ups and affairs since we started dating. We have discussed monogamy at length and he decided it was importnt to b with just one person, me. Our we’d life was frequent and amazing.
    Things are still so new and raw. There were no warning signs, he is s med student so had flexible schedule. We had each others email duff, but he has created several others. I am furious that he cheated on me 39 plus times. Furious that he put my health at risk. I am mad he didn’t ask for help before or after we married. I am furious that we applied to be adoptive parents because what he had no business being a father. And right now all I can think about is the numbers of people he slept with, and pictures of himselft that he sent to hundreds of men. How is it possible to forgive? I am going to a counselor, but are there support groups for spouses? For now I want to help him recover, but I don’t know if i could ever forgive it trust again.,

  • St Pauly Girl

    St Pauly Girl

    November 23rd, 2014 at 6:52 PM

    I can understand and empathize with where you are right now. I have a very similar story and am on my own journey of healing after finding out about my partners addiction. Some days are easier than others, but every day that passes I feel a little bit stronger. I wish you all the best.

  • tck

    tck

    November 23rd, 2014 at 7:37 PM

    My boyfriend of 3 yrs evidently had this problem before we me. At first I did not know but discovered it on his laptop and cell phone shortly into the relationship. I raised hell, threatened to leave. He cleaned up his act, quit doing it & things were fine for a few months then back to it again. This went on for 3 yrs. I just kicked his ass out for good. He feels he has done nothing wrong and refused to see the impact on our relationship. Here are the things I found: It made him have wild mood swings, depression & he was not present when we had sex. It was like he was playing out porn scenes in his head just to be able to do it. I have no regret for getting rid of him because there is an obvious pattern here. It would never change. My problem is all the hurt, distrust & anger left behind. I’ve started dating someone else who I believe is a really good guy but I’m scared to trust him now and I’ve known him for over 30 years and am pretty sure he is not “one of them.” My big problem is how to ever trust anyone again. Are there any real & honest men left out there? I’m not sure I believe there are. How do I move on and not give up on all men in general? P.S. Coming here & reading all of your messages has done more for me toward healing than anything else I have tried. I have also signed all the petitions to congress on the webside “Porn Harms,” & have found that helpful because at least I’m trying to do something about the problem, which face it, the problem is PORN and porn is illegal. There is a law but our government hasn’t been enforcing it. I wish you all better days ahead. I will not let this so-called man bring me down. I will find a true & honest relationship.

  • Cheryl

    Cheryl

    December 24th, 2014 at 9:32 PM

    Plz help me

  • givingup

    givingup

    May 23rd, 2015 at 11:58 AM

    I know, where do I start? Thank goodness for this website, because this morning my significant other left his cell phone here…LMAO;D. How convenient for me, as I found out last year that he had been watching porn for hours..I mean HOURS, after I dropping me off on my 3rd shift job. It was like being hit by a train. I used to not mind, as in the beginning 10 yrs ago technology was not such a big deal with cell phones….not so flooded with this nasty instant messaging sex buddy….or just my ignorance. I had no idea literally till last year:(…but I digress. We, or I simply avoided it, nonethelesss, I exploded one day after finding out that his porn routine would start after I got to my 3rd shift job:/ (on MY laptop)I started to put the puzzle together and my heart has been broken every since. I attempted to leave, but we all know how hard that is when you love someone for so long.
    I’m at my wits end, and every day is a struggle… forcing smiles, cringing at the touch of any part of his body…disgusting!!! There is no council for us as a whole, because his temper is so unpredictable, and I have prayed till I just keep getting the same voice (in my head) saying just prepare your heart to leave. That’s it!!! Crazy, maybe.
    I can’t take anymore, I’m 39and have, no attachments or kids. He used to argue that I am just a lonely b-word, and I need to find friends… Really? All couples fight sometimes, but we are not compatible, he is like a sociopath and I am empathetic, and a little geeky. Oh, did I mention, he is the one who told me about all the chatrooms, and meet up sites…wtf…really!!!
    I feel so stupid and used, lost jobs, injured myself @ work ( due to stressful relationship, anxiety attacks on and on.
    My life sucks, and I no longer feel like the woman I used to be. Devastation is an understatement. My whole life has been peppered with men like this.
    Sorry so long, but nobody to talk to anymore:(.

  • Jullie H

    Jullie H

    December 30th, 2014 at 12:33 AM

    I am in the situation of where my husband likes me to be with another male. It turns him on. Me not so much. He will manipulate till I do it.We have almost gotten a divorce over it.we will be fine for a while then it will get bad if he travels.he cant just have sex with me without talking about me having sex with someone else.he does put his sex needs before mine. An before his family. I push him away alot.we have two younger kids. Times I cry myself to sleep. Im so happy but yet so miserable. He acts like im the problem. I know I am a beautiful person but I have no clue how to deal with this. He knows I will do anything to keep my family together. We have been married 3 years an together for total of 5.I just feel like im never enough. I love him but each time I get more bitter. He is ruining me our marriage our family. Im at loss for words. I do feel like im in marital rape..

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    December 30th, 2014 at 8:56 AM

    Thanks for your comment, Jullie. If you would like to consult with a mental health professional, please feel free to return to our homepage, https://www.goodtherapy.org/, and enter your zip code into the search field to find therapists in your area. If you’re looking for a counselor that practices a specific type of therapy, or who deals with specific concerns, you can make an advanced search by clicking here: https://www.goodtherapy.org/advanced-search.html

    Once you enter your information, you’ll be directed to a list of therapists and counselors who meet your criteria. From this list you can click to view our members’ full profiles and contact the therapists themselves for more information. You are also welcome to call us for assistance finding a therapist. We are in the office Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Pacific Time; our phone number is 888-563-2112 ext. 1.

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Ms Wife

    Ms Wife

    January 3rd, 2015 at 7:51 PM

    I bet that if you sit down with a piece of paper and write down the things he is saying to “convince” you to do this, you may get a clearer picture of what’s going on. Been there and done this and when you have 2 young kids, my bet is that you are doing it out of fear. Fear he’ll leave you. Fear he’ll tell. Fear of whatever. He does NOT have to hit you for there to be abuse.
    Tell him NO more. You are obviously completely distraught over it. You can always pack those kids up and go home! No means no. He can not play this out if you don’t agree to it. He can not manipulate you into doing this if you can get yourself set straight. When he brings it up, just say no thanks. No arguing or yelling. When he says why not? Because it’s boooooring. Yawn. Not interested. Period. Let him yell. Who cares. Divorce and child support for a guy like this will be very expensive. Protect yourself and your kids!

  • Doris

    Doris

    June 1st, 2015 at 5:34 PM

    Jullie,
    I feel so sad and want to tell you that you need to get out. Think of your children and GOD! God wants you to move on with out him. I know you love your husband but what love and respect does he have for you. The SEX addiction is a demon that takes over the body and mind if it’s to strong, but please Jullie fight it.. Do it for your precious cargo (KIDS)…
    God Bless

  • RG

    RG

    December 7th, 2015 at 7:00 PM

    I just read this comment of yours from quite a while ago. It struck every chord within me. I have the exact same situation except he simply cannot live without a threesome and drives the topic to the ground. He promised before we married it would stop. Now he says I had to give false promises, all men do. He complains regularly about our sex life which makes me want even less. It’s a miserable miserable situation. I often just wish I would somehow disappear, or he would. Because I’m 37 and wonderful and have two amazing babies and don’t want to live the rest of my life in misery.
    How do you cope?

  • Kimberly

    Kimberly

    January 9th, 2015 at 8:35 AM

    Yesterday morning my mother caught my husband of 4 years taking a picture of her in the shower. I am so lost and confused! He has also had a porn addiction for most his life. Does anyone have any advice or anything. I need help trying to figure this out.

  • susan

    susan

    April 16th, 2015 at 9:15 AM

    I am so sorry you had to experience that. I am going through things with my husband yesterday he left a porn Web site with videos of young girls opened on his phone, he blamed me for going through phone . But I wasn’t at all , my daughter and I needed to Google something for her schoolwork. He will probably try to turn situation around and blame you or your mom. Why was he at her house when she was showering? Has he ever fantasized with you about different situations? Once when we were partying which we don’t do st all anymore my husband talked about my 19 year old daughter not his but has raised her since 3 years old. I can’t forget it and it’s been 6 years and will never have trust that I should have for him. That is disgusting !!!!!! Tell your husband that he needs to go talk to someone now and what was he doing with picture? Was it for a friend perhaps? Does your mom flirt not realizing it? I am seeking a couselor to help me leave my spouse because I don’t think they ever get better maybe I’m just bitter right now but it’s also our society. It allows too much freedom on Internet, radio ,etc There are other ways that a man can please himself beside looking at strangers privates!!!

  • Doris

    Doris

    June 1st, 2015 at 5:27 PM

    Kimberly,
    Do not think your alone in this… You we not the first and won’t be the last. All I could say is pray and think that God needs to work on your husband. As for your mom, great mom you have, it must it been also hard for her to… Go to a support group and get help. He’s not the only one in the world and he does not deserve you. Don’t judge him, forgive him and think of KIMBERLY!! :)

  • Shaz

    Shaz

    September 5th, 2015 at 9:18 AM

    Dear kimberly, i too have just had a similar situation, my fiance of 7 years (wedding in 6 months 😔)
    My mother caught him taking a photo up her night gown when we stayed the night because my father was away.
    She confronted him in the morning and said she had senced him doing it before and he caved admiting he has an adiction to porn and he take photos for the buzz not the content. Says its the fact he gets the photo thats the buzz not my actual mother, not sure if i beleive any of it. We are 26 years old have a mortgage and wedding booked. What the hell do i do? He has promised to start therapy asap and is very very sorry and admits he is an addict and needs help.
    I have kicked him out and made his dad look after his sorry arse but i am heart broken he is my best friend and i am shocked as everyone says and sees we are the “perfect” couple. He really is great and we have a brilliant life and relationship. Is there hope or do i run?

  • ndbdustbunny

    ndbdustbunny

    February 7th, 2015 at 1:04 AM

    The woman I have loved and been closely involved with for 5 years , but not my gf, more more like a friend that I love and had sex with
    . she came on to me , moved me in her house, I rented a room but sleep in her bed, sex every night for hours, the 8 months later, she’s funny, tells me her cuZ is comeing over n I got to go to my room, then I hear her fucking. Next year we have a single threw some, never again. Then I notice lesbian behavior, diztao to me then close and sweet, she got a secret bf but only to me, she lies about any about him . he buys her a car and she lies n says its her cuz, she hide a pregnancy and put me up on a shelf, before she said she loves me, now she said she would kill me. I’m always giving , and she never gives back, when it’s on its sex evwry day, when its off there is no communication at all , 8 months now..and 4 weeks till a baby. I think it’s mine but she said it’s her bf…. Is she a narsisit or bi polar ?

  • GraciAnn

    GraciAnn

    February 27th, 2015 at 5:18 PM

    Wow – I can certainly relate to everyone here & am very sorry for what you are going through. It sounds exactly like my life, but have been dealing with my husband’s porn addiction since I first found out in 1982. Therapy for a sex addict is difficult & usually futile but I never gave up the hope that someday with excellent therapy that his addiction to looking at porn would cease. He’s 66 now; I’m 59 & you would think his age would mellow his lust for porn & masturbation lol. It hasn’t. I am finally in a position to divorce him & excited I will soon be able to live an authentic life in a healthy & happy haven without a gray elephant living beside me. As far a dating – let’s just say, ‘I’m pretty skeptical…’

  • Merry

    Merry

    June 19th, 2015 at 3:27 AM

    GraciAnn
    im just wondering how you are doing now. Could you give anyplace? Hope all is well!

  • Lisa

    Lisa

    April 23rd, 2015 at 9:15 PM

    I was in the same situation two years ago however I have found an amazing program that has truly been able to help me and my husband. After going through these intensive my husband has never looked back at porn, prostitution or masturbation! Please look at Witministries.com.

  • JinMN

    JinMN

    April 24th, 2015 at 4:34 PM

    I have read a number of these postings …… and it very much saddens me.
    Sure, I have looked at some porn. No, I don’t consider myself a sex addict. I am older, nearly Social Security age and single and male …. after my ex-wife left me after some 17 years of marriage.
    After a lot of therapy, I realized that I experienced a lot of PTSD ….. no, not military related, but from emotional trauma as a little boy. My mother unfortunately grew up witnessing her father (my grandfather) physically abuse her mother (my grandmother). And I never learned about any of this until I was about 40 years old from one of my sisters.
    I realize that I carried around a ton of shame of just “being” male as my mother and her sister (my aunt) made so many male-hating comments, and learning about the physical abuse they witnessed helps me to understand their negativity towards men. Somehow, I grew up to be empathetic (my close friends tell me this often). If life had gone differently, I could have ended up a misogynistic serial killer I suppose instead of working in health care for a long time.
    Yet, I am alone, and feel very alone much of the time. Everything I went through as a kid made it very difficult for me to really trust, and even when I did, I ended up marrying a woman with an abundance of narcissistic traits. :(
    Life goes on, but too much time has passed for me to be hopeful at this stage of my life. So, yeah, porn is there a little. After all, right now, I don’t have much else. I know what I want, yet, I know I will likely not have that happy relationship as circumstances for both men and women over 50-60 years of age make it so much less likely that we would meet each other. Yes, even the “possibilities” that seem limitless on the internet for dating, are just that, as, for whatever reason, messages are not responded to, or whatever (no, I am not looking for a hot 40-some year old!!). So porn is just an occasional fantasy for me. I sense that so many people feel so “burned” from past relationships that it makes it difficult to try again. I guess.

  • Bin

    Bin

    June 3rd, 2015 at 7:48 AM

    Why do this to yourself? Remember that porn is degrading, not just to the poor girls in those movies, but to you. Think about it. Most porn stars are prostitutes. 99% of them would prefer to do another job. They are often trafficked, abused as children, drugged, raped and on average do not make. 35 yrs of age. I have read stories from porn ‘stars’ who say when they are filming they have to stop to wipe the blood off them. Either they need to take pain killers or are addicted to harder drugs. Do you want to buy into this? Do you want to support such a degrading and abusive industry. Next time you go on line, read the title. Would you like to f**k a ‘dog’, ‘bitch’, ‘pig’, your neighbours wife?
    Please be kind to yourself. I’m sorry you had such a tough childhood. Please don’t repeat history.
    Respect yourself.
    There’s still plenty of life left .x

  • Natalie

    Natalie

    May 2nd, 2015 at 4:21 PM

    I’m amazed at the similarities between many of the comments written on here.
    I’m saddened by what everyone on here is going through. Glad there is a venue to vent!
    I have been to hell and back many times now, and still have my emotional downs ever so often.
    One thing that has helped me, however, is reading voraciously on the subjects of sex and alcohol addiction. Knowledge is power! By doing a lot of research, I have learned to de-sensitize…I now know that none of these addicts choose to do anything. Their brains are hijacked. Addiction is a disease, an illness, much like cancer or diabetes.
    As women, we tend to idealize the relationships we are in, instead of seeing them realistically for how they actually are. We are born to nurture and take care of and encourage and empathize. Men are not wired like us. They compartmentalize, and are able to carry out poor behaviors without emotional attachment to their objects of lust.
    It’s does not mean they don’t love u very much….because if anyone knows anything about sex addiction, it’s not about the sex…or feelings. In fact it doesn’t even matter what the “fix” looks like. They are merely a hole to fill. But when the deed is done, and they take out their “partner box”, they feel remorse and shame for what they have done.
    Unfortunately it is like living with Jeckyll and Heide. A double life indeed.
    So my advice to you is to read, read, read….until you have exhausted as many resources as you can, either online or in books.
    See a counsellor and join a gym. Pray a lot. Be good to yourself. And as for your addicted partner goes…..
    Let go and let God!
    Peace my friends! Xoxoxo

  • Dindy

    Dindy

    June 10th, 2015 at 8:45 AM

    Natalie
    Thank you for your encouragement.. I am living as well a rollercoster with my husband. Unfournately our husbands have become slaves to porn. They do not have control of their actions. I forgave him because now understand this disease. As long as I see that he is embracing God and our family I am going to stay by his side.

  • GraciAnn

    GraciAnn

    May 2nd, 2015 at 8:02 PM

    I wanted to comment about how important I think it is to talk to your kids about porn & what it can do to the brain & their life. It isn’t a secret that Porn addicts indeed make lousy, untrustworthy partners.

    Great post, Natalie. I loved what you said that ‘their brains are hijacked’ & great advice, ‘let go and let God’.

  • Ash

    Ash

    June 3rd, 2015 at 9:01 AM

    I have been married for two years. About a year ago a woman sent me a message on Facebook with messages between her and my husband and pictures sent. When I confronted him my husband said it starts with straight porn and then escalates until he is talking to women getting pictures. That it doesn’t matter what they look like, he just loves getting them. He has always done this and I didn’t know. I’m so hurt and betrayed. He hasn’t done that since I found out but he recently started watching porn again and was hiding it. I’m scared he is an addict and will go back to talking to women.

  • GraciAnn

    GraciAnn

    June 3rd, 2015 at 11:45 AM

    I have a 23 year old daughter that insists she is discovering every young man she becomes interested in — is addicted to porn in some form or another. It’s so available & doesn’t take much once it is discovered. The question is how far does porn addiction escalate for the average male to an even worse case scenario.

  • Bin

    Bin

    June 4th, 2015 at 9:12 AM

    GraciAnn, I think it is quite difficult talking to boys about the dangers of pornography if one is a mother. They are apt to think ‘what do you know, you’re a woman’! I tried over the years a number of times. I told my boys that these images get imprinted in their deep brain and will stay there for life. I told them that loving relationships to not look like those pornographic images. Did they stop looking at it? No!
    It was only when they discovered that their father is a sex addict that they took heed.
    The other attempt I made, was to talk with their headmistress to see what anti-porn education the school was providing.
    It almost seems impossible, doesn’t it, to fight against this terrible industry.
    If I had known that my husband was a porn addict when I met him, I’m not sure I’d have married him.
    So, the question is – Does your daughter want a relationship with a young man who objectifies woman?
    Are there any young men left who do not look at pornography?
    And yes, it is highly addictive. As Patrick Carnes says ‘there is a sunami on it’s way’. X

  • Kate

    Kate

    June 8th, 2015 at 4:52 AM

    I am struggling with trying to work on saving our marriage. I have been married to my husband for 26 years, we have lived together for 31 years. I found out 10 years into our marriage that my husband was looking at porn. Not only is he a sex addict, he also suffers with obessive compulsive disorder. We discussed it calmly & he agreed not to look at it. About 3 years later, I caught him looking at porn, again. He agreed to not view it, said he was only looking from stress & would start an exercising program instead (I fell for it!) .Promised he would not look again. We discussed the whole nine yards, blah, blah, blah……ya’ll know what I am taking about. We can talk about the horrible way your SA treats you, demoralizes you & constantly puts you down. Also, how they become selfish, self-centered & withdrawing from intimacy………..I think we all know the song & dance. This is one prom I wish I was never invited to. That’s for sure. Anyways, let’s just skip the next two scenes; because they are just a repeat. The last time I caught him, I put my foot down & said that I would leave him if I ever found it again. BINGO! I found it by mistake on his Kindle. He had been erasing the history on all of our computers, but one morning; when he was scatter brained & running late, he left the history open. I went to look up a medical reference for some research I was doing & it slapped me right into HELL!

    I am only here because he immediately went to a sex/marriage therapist. It was the only way that I would stay with him. My husband travels frequently for business & recently went on a trip. The whole time he was gone, I received text messages & emails from women soliciting for me to view their “goods”. He swears that he was not doing anything. I have taken away his Kindle. I am going to request that our therapist have her computer guru do a history of his iPhone & our home computer. Also, installing a program that will show me all the places & people he visits on the Internet, text messages, videos & pictures. I am horrified over all of this.

    Our therapist tells us that we have a chance of saving our marriage, IF, we both want it to work. He has to be 100% honest, transparent & emotionally involved. We are working on our “homework ” from our therapist & I thought we were making some positive steps in the right direction. However, (I hate that word) this last business trip & all the “Invites” we got through emails makes me suspect that he has relapsed.

    I guess what I am asking, has anyone truly been successful at working through the sex addiction/porn & having a fulfilling marriage again?

    I love my husband & believe it or not, I am STILL in love with him.

  • Michelle

    Michelle

    January 24th, 2016 at 8:46 AM

    No. Unless he turns his life over to the Lord. Go to men who have regrets about ruining their marriages and now has been saved and has no desire for porn. You need to leave him. Don’t play into his lies. He has no respect for woman only the 1d woman. He might even be gay. Heavy addictions can do that. Cus most pprn has gayer in it. I’ve been left 4 times and all his promises are vapors. And when he leaves again then I free. And my kids won’t have this perve as a role model anymore. You should NOT BE TREATED LIKE THIS. you are worth more than u know. Pray for him and leave.

  • astra

    astra

    August 14th, 2015 at 3:54 AM

    I have been in this relationship now for over 3 years and I am struggling still. I have read many of the comments and I feel i was the one writing them. I have always been a strong person and kept to my beliefs. Now today I feel unworthy, sad and lost. I have cried more in the last three years than in my entire life. I told myself after my first husband I would never let a man physically or mentally abuse me again……Well so much for that…..
    My problem is no matter what he does I keep coming back to him. He is a porn addict and thats his top priority. So that leaves me as Miss faithful cause I would never do that to hurt him. We struggle just like everyone else on this site. My problem is I keep thinking he will change.I know the answer is NO, yet the abuse is already done and I am now at the point where I am so insecure about myself I just get mad and cry . I di know this I never thought it would be me writing this on a chat site. I used to get gry at women and say they are stupid for putting up with abuse like this ….and look at me now. I just wish i could wake up and all of this was a nightmare.

  • GraciAnn

    GraciAnn

    August 20th, 2015 at 6:02 PM

    Merry – I’m not sure what you are asking me. A few have asked if any of us have been successful with getting a control of the use of porn in our marriages. My husband desperately would like not to be an addict…but there is no way he isn’t going to stop fantisizing & masterbating. He can’t. It’s too euphoric. My advice for those that are raising young sons, please hammer home the consequences of this horrendous addiction. What I’ve read is it only takes a few weeks to get taken in. But the dire problems it causes later in a committed relationship & the entire family as a whole — are never even thought about.

  • josh

    josh

    October 2nd, 2015 at 12:53 AM

    I have been married for 10years now…i knew my husband used to see porn……he promised that he would stop doing it…we have sex maybe once or twice in three or four months. which is just for less than an hour…recently found that he watches live porn. …..dont know wht to do.. .i have had several discussion on sex n the little amount of time we spend together…..

  • Heather

    Heather

    December 4th, 2015 at 12:53 AM

    I recently caught my fiancée perusing Craiglist casual encounters again. This had been a problem in the past, but i had suspicions he was up to it again, for various reasons. We have been in a long distance relationship for almost three years now, but fortunatley we are able to be together atleast 15 days a month, and there is no shortage of great satisfying for both parties sex. Just lastnight I read his emails because I had my suspicions. I found atleast 8 responses ro some really explicit causal encounter requests. In his messages, he left his name and phone number and said he was very able to meet up with each of these ladies immediately, asked them to come over, and that he wanted to hook up right away and to call him. He even left photos of himself. I have nomproof anything came of it, I didn’t look through his phone, but he told me nothing happened with any of the women, and that he was just high and trying to male conversations with them. Of course, I want to believe him, but I’m having a difficult time. I just feel that if he gave his name number and photos that he was up to no good and indeed looking for a “causal encounter”. Can any of you please chime in and let me know what you would think of this happened to you, with your partner. I’m seriously concerned and considering ending the relationship.
    Thanks so much in advance for any and all input~:) good luck to all of you!

  • Mary

    Mary

    December 24th, 2015 at 10:54 AM

    Heather, I am sorry to tell you that this relationship is not going anywhere good. You do not deserve to be involved with a man who does not love , respect and focus his attentions solely on you. It depends what you want , and it sounds like you are unhappy . Looking for casual encounters outside of your relationship means your relationship is casual . Is this what you want ? How long do you want to be devalued for? You can’t fix this man’s problems . You can do much better.

  • GraciAnn

    GraciAnn

    December 15th, 2015 at 8:04 PM

    Heather, I am sorry to hear about your predicament with your fiance. You are fortunate to have found out about the ‘casual encounters’ before you married him. Men addicted to sex almost never stop & sexting & showing pictures to women he doesn’t know — when he has a fiance, should be a rule breaker. A good relationship is based on trust & unfortunately men addicted to sex aren’t what I call trusthworthy. Hopefully others will pipe in with their experiences.

  • Lynn

    Lynn

    January 12th, 2016 at 7:51 AM

    I kept finding things on the computer and then his phone, over the course of 6 years! He said he was “talking” to prostitutes and craigslist hookups just for the rush and that he never actually met up with them, and that he’d been doing this for years before he met me. First of all, if you get a “rush” from the feeling of wanting to cheat on me – that doesn’t work for me. Second, I should have ended the relationship early on but thought things like, guys mature slower so he’ll stop that silliness, we started living together of course we’re more serious so he won’t do that now, we have a good sex life there’s no way he needs to actually meet them, oh he’s a guy and from his point of view pretending to set up meeting and just chatting/sending pics is sort of like porn for him…. I kept making excuses! If I’d find something and get upset, no amount of pain or tears made him stop! The last one I found on Xmas day (2015), appeared that he was actually close to the meeting point but my unexpected call locking myself out of the house interrupted. So, how could I believe that he was “just talking” and when he said he understood that it was wrong (twice before) and that he wouldn’t do it again, he still did. DON’T PUT UP WITH IT AT ALL. IF IT HAPPENS ONCE THEN THAT’S THE KIND OF GUY HE IS!! SAVE YOURSELF THE HEARTACHE AND WASTED TIME! This last time when I decided I wasn’t going to let this happen to me again because we were DONE – it felt great! I’m in charge now! He said he wanted to figure out the source of it and seemed honestly upset that we were done, ashamed even…. I said that’s fine, if you want to figure out why you have this problem but it’s your problem, not mine; I don’t really care….. Yes it’s still been hard since this is someone I truly loved and I tried working on his problem as if it were my own… I tried for US, but he never has… his chances are up. MOVE ON.

  • Callie

    Callie

    March 5th, 2016 at 1:21 PM

    I felt betrayed when my husband returned home after three years of Physical rehab after a MRSA abscess nearly severed his spinal cord. I had hoped the things we had started to hear from him about his feelings that I helped his father and others steal his life from him, through sexual blackmail and force. I was hoping he would come home willing to listen to our need for him to understand and listen that what had happened from 1985 to 2009 was not meant to happen the way it did. but with him the more defiance he showed the more everyone was determined he was not going to have a life like everyone else had. Until the MRSA and the resulting spine surgery I had always thought there would be time to make up for the sex denial, the holidays he was forced to work, the vacations we even had a court order placed on him to not force lower seniority to work instead.
    His betrayal was that the paralisys started below where it would affect his abilities a s a man, That even with his spine doctor scratching his head my husband was walking with the help of braces and a cane, without nerve impulse from the top of his legs down he should have come home in a wheel chair Instead he kept the fact he could walk from the entire family, He knew that the second we realized he could walk he was putting us on notice things were going to be his way from then on. The night he came home, was a cold night, minus 40 he was not supposed to come back for a week, and I had been invited to a fund raising dinner as the fourth at his mothers, fathers and his fathers best friends table Had a ne Lavender cocktail dress and outfit on and was just trying to secure a clasp on the necklass I was going to wear It was a Diamond and Saphire my husband had bought me for Christmas in 1993. So I did not think it was my husband coming through the door until I ran into this angry mountain saying good I have not been out any where in 31 years, Where are we going.
    The we was the clue that he expected me to be with him, I was confused seeing him up on his feet with that horrid cane he carved in occupational threrapy, It was the first time I had ever seen that evil looking thing, It was 4′ 4″ tall With a carved dragons head coated titainium teeth and red crystal eyes. I was scared at the sight of my husbands eyes however, instead of hazel the were steel grey, And I statrrted to explain that I had promised to go to this event, when my husband said he cared less about the promises I had made his father, he only cared about, the hundreds I had made him and broken for 31 years as far as he was concerned his came first.
    I said please, he could pick a place to meet us after the event in four hours. sit down with us and discuse a timetable of what he would be allowed I was thinking two more years, he was thinking two milliseconds. He told me that for me the event was cancelled, That under his roof he was the only and final judge of our life from then on or I could get to the street put my feet on it and pick a direction. He was not paying one more day for nothing returned in our supposed marriage. I was crying pretty hard by this point. Just to much was starting to change far to fast. I was trying to process him walking, I had known of his resentment for years, but could not figure a way arould societies needs from him. I was asking him how I was supposed to live. he was the one with the paychecks. he told me I could be the tramp I was if sombody would take me on at my age as my pimp. I was begging and pleading to please talk and settle things that really needed stetled 30 years before.
    HE said since you are still standing I n front of me I was going to abid by his ultimatum. I took for the door to scream for help and he ripped every stich off me. I was still begging that things could be allowed now but in his mood he could hurt me. He did when he forced his way telling me it was the first step in restitution of his life.
    I think that before he kills someone in defense of his rights three years later, that I will have to loose everything including my now two year old son from that evening. From holidatys to vacations getting my husband to wait for people to accept him into the traditions we had made. Its alwaytys a one word answer when he is asked for time. The word is a simple two letter word. that seems to set everyones explosion, NO.

  • GoodTherapy Admin

    GoodTherapy Admin

    March 6th, 2016 at 11:38 AM

    Dear Callie,

    Thank you for your comment. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about domestic violence at https://www.goodtherapy.org/therapy-for-domestic-violence.html and additional information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Phoenix

    Phoenix

    April 25th, 2016 at 11:38 AM

    Hi, I’ve been in relationship with my husband for 3 years, and just 6 month -marriage. Abt a moth after our marriage I found out that he’s porn addict. He’s not interested in having sex with me anymore (started abt 6 months before our marriage, but at that time I thought because he was stressed out with work only). I frequently discovered that he is still with porn movies a lot, despite the fact he promises to stop. I don’t trust him any more. He’s a very good husband, we love each other to death. But it seems that he doesn’t want to leave porns, and he never adimits that to him. I intend to talk to him again, but I’m not so positive. Thinking abt divorce :-(

  • Jacob

    Jacob

    May 21st, 2016 at 5:04 AM

    One of my friends was a sex addict. He had a dangerous, out-of-control problem with pornography. We took him to a sex addiction treatment centre where he was given sex education classes. There are sex addiction self-evaluation tests canadadrugrehab.ca/Sex-Addiction-Treatment.html to learn more about your level of addiction. If you are exhibiting any of the symptoms related to sex addiction, you may want to seek professional help.

  • Jamie

    Jamie

    August 17th, 2016 at 5:02 PM

    I too have a husband thats addicted. I’m beside myself. I’m hurt almost to the point of no return. When we first met he had nothing! Spent 6 months in jail because of problems he had with an ex gf. I stood by him the whole time, financially, emotionally….I had his back 100 the whole time. While he was in jail, I found many, many pictures of naked women and of his exes, he had them kept in a private photo vault. I was heart broken. When he came home, I confronted him, he said he ment to get rid of everything but had forgotten it was there. We ended up getting married, months later I happened to be paying bills on his laptop and found many many more photos of naked women from the internet and sex videos from youtube. I again, confronted him and all I got was I was invading his privacy. He then began to put passwords on everything. I knew in my mind what was going on and I foolishly kept ignoring it. As time has went on, he has wanted me to wear sleezy clothing and do things sexually that I would never do. I just thought, he’s my husband and that’s what married couples do, right?? Well, it’s been almost 3 years, I found many many more pictures on his phone AND work phone. I’m at a complete and total empty point in my life….why does he need this? What am I doing wrong, why did he marry me if I’m not what he likes and why am I not good enough?? I have now become so angry. I don’t want to be anywhere out in public because he stares at all women, comments about their boobs and butts. Really?? Do you not see me sitting here?? I feel sick and at a loss. I feel stuck, he thinks he doesn’t have a problem but he can’t stop either. He came from a really great god loving family, which he claims to be this perfect person. He is hurting me to the point of I hate myself, it has to be my fault, right?? I’m doing something wrong. How can he do this to me after everything I have done for him. I picked this man out of the gutter and made him, financially stable, nice cars, nice home, no worries on the planet!! How can he so easily sit on his phone or infront of a computer getting off on other women?? I have sex with him at least daily, even when I don’t want to but feel I have too so he will want me. He gets angry when I don’t want too, accuses me of cheating and calls me names like a whore. He’s only the 3rd man I’ve been with and I’m 38 years old. He has a lengthy track record and has 8 kids!! He loves sex no matter what. All this makes me hate myself and life. I don’t know what to. The few family and friends I have spoken too say just put him on the curb. Do you do that in a marriage, just throw it out?? But if he knows I’m badly hurt by his activity and doesn’t stop, then he doesn’t respect me or our marriage as I do. I’m so tore and back and forth with what I need and should do. I’ve researched all over the internet and read books, joined groups, it has just made my head spin even more. There are no counseling groups in my area for this. I’ve even went to my doc and got meds to help keep me calm. They don’t work, I can’t sleep, eat and I’m definitely not happy. I know what’s happening to me and how I feel but don’t know the next step, I feel like a complete and total failure.

  • Trina

    Trina

    August 22nd, 2016 at 7:20 PM

    I just stumbled upon this website. I spent 10 years with the love of my life. The first 6 years were like a fairytale. I started to find out he was spending tons of time looking at porn and masturbating. Despite what I thought was a very active, loving and satisfying personal and sexual relationship -the porn addiction continued. Fast forward 5 years. We broke up and did not see each other for 5 years. I still felt the intense pain of his addiction through those years and it made it very hard to have any type of a relationship with anyone else. Well he and I reconnected and again he was my prince charming. He’s incredibly charismatic, has a beautiful accent and truly cares about his fellow man. Thing is, he is still an alcoholic and as I found out tonight he is still addicted to porn. Male and female. In fact I found out he was on Craigslist and had a few encounters with men for mutual masterbation. I walked in tonight after a day of him texting and professing his undying love to me, to find him nude and jerking off to men and women on line. I am now back where I was 5 years ago. Feeling broken, ugly, fat and unworthy. His secret life has broken me. The world loves him and I am left once again broken…

  • Amanda

    Amanda

    October 13th, 2016 at 6:50 AM

    I don’t know if it’s comforting to see that so many others have gone through or are still going through very similar situations to mine or if it is the most depressing thing I have ever seen. It really scares me to think of the world my daughters are growing up in.
    Like many of you, I was completely fooled from the start. That’s the hardest part for me is his ability to lie and seem so sincere. I met my (now) husband as I was going through a very painful divorce. Husband #1 cheated on me. I don’t know how many times or with how many people. This was after years of me begging to try counselling because I knew our relationship was not good. So I took the girls and we left. It was horrible and painful and embarrassing. And my support through it all was the man who ended up being Husband #2. He was so sweet, caring, thoughtful, attentive. We talked all day every day for almost a year before we became romantically involved. I thought we knew everything about each other. He was my “perfect” man. He doesn’t drink, doesn’t go out to bars, not into porn, wants to spend his time with family. After months of being together, he started moving in with us. I got a FB message from a total stranger telling me that this man has been playing us both and that he had actually been living with her for the past 3 years!! My daughters were younger at this time so all of our time was spent at my place since he lived 30 minutes away. That should have been the end of things. But he told me they used to date and she is just a crazy, jealous ex who is trying to stop him from being happy. And I bought his BS.
    Months later, we bought a house together. We share everything together, including a laptop which is linked to his gmail account. I opened it up one day and an email popped up from an online dating site. I was not a snooper at this point but it popped up right in front of my face. I confronted him and he lied again. Swore that it was an old account that he hasn’t been able to close because he doesn’t know how. It was from before we had even met. Again, I fell for it. A couple more months go by, and another online dating site email. And another and another and another. By this time, we were engaged. My daughters love him and think the world of him. He spends all of his free time with us. He takes very good care of us. But his online activities are very concerning.
    Months go by and we ended up getting married. I walked down the aisle with the biggest doubts in my mind. I knew I shouldn’t be doing it but I did anyway because I feel totally trapped. A month later, I find not porn, not online dating but messages to ESCORTS!!! He swears he did it as a joke and was just looking for new nude photos because he was sick of porn. The same guy who at the start of all this swore he was not into porn. Now suddenly he’s so sick of it that he needs to get his excitement from hookers!!!! The saddest part is I haven’t only caught him once or twice. I’ve lost count now. But I can’t afford to leave. I know it sounds like such an excuse. I have no family close by. I have no friends I trust. This is not my home. My daughters don’t know anything is wrong and they love this “man” as their dad. I am stuck.
    As so many of you have said – what is wrong with me?? What am I doing wrong or not doing? I’m a fairly attractive woman. 35 (he’s 49). But that shouldn’t matter. I find myself out in public seeing someone “less attractive” (based on social expectations, not my actual opinion) with her husband and they are happy and I find myself wondering how it is that she has found someone who truly loves her and wouldn’t hurt her like this? I am jealous of this lady for the relationship she has.

  • Angel

    Angel

    January 20th, 2017 at 11:38 PM

    My husband and I have been married for 23 years, plus we went together for four year before we married.
    Three months ago I found out that my husband has been posting pictures of himself, both partially clothed in swimsuits, bike shorts, etc., as well as fully naked (showing his penis) on gay websites for over ten years. He also had secret email and yahoo accounts with explicit porn related names that I didn’t know about which he claims he has since deleted. I also found out that he registered on swinger websites. His profiles were very explicit regarding what he would do. In addition, at the start of this new life 10+ years ago, he stopped having relations with me. He claimed he didn’t want to hurt me because I was going thru vaginal atrophy, and even though I remidied that, he kept using the excuse….”I don’t want to hurt you.”
    Upon my confronting him about the gay websites and the swingers website, he said he just did it so that he would receive accolades about his body and private parts and that he never ever cheated on me. However, he did confess to going to at least three men’s residences. He said nothing sexually happened with these men….he just masturbated in front of one of them. I also found out in one of his emails that he asked one gentleman when he would be ready to ‘play again’ …….what am I missing here????
    I have filed for divorce but am so confused regarding his actions. I asked him if he is bi…he said no! I am so distraught!!! He keeps saying nothing really happens…and he loves me beyond words and wants me to stop this divorce action. Help…please….I have no more love for him…..I am in my late 60s but I just want out…..but he is pleading with me to stop the divorce proceedings. How can I when he has deceived and betrayed me for 10+ years?
    He has since gone to a counselor who says he is a sex addict so therefore my husband feels since he is getting help and has stopped all actions (he says he is cured and ‘sober’ of all sex addiction) that I should forgive him and stop the divorce proceedings.
    Distraught!!

  • betty

    betty

    February 10th, 2017 at 12:07 AM

    I have the same problem I found out the man I was suppose to marry was a sex addict all the sign was there but I ignored them he was having sex with prostitutes just sad I went and got checked thank god he is now getting help going back to aa meeting but I don’t think there doing any good these women he pay look horrible I busted him it was so hard and difficult to swallow I’m so hurt;

  • Jackrabbit916

    Jackrabbit916

    May 1st, 2017 at 7:11 AM

    My circumstances differ greatly from many other people’s on here. My wife and I have both been unfaithful. I am honest about my infidelity, and she continues to say I am only saying she did it to because I did and I want to make her just as bad as me. I can honestly say that this is not the case. I wish it were because then all I would have to do is admit this to myself and move on; however, it is not the case. My wife, I believe has been involved in porn and prostitution as well as just having sex with random people; however, no matter the evidence she just flat out denies having ever done anything wrong. I, so far, have just been able to forgive her, let it go, and move on; however, I know this is not a great long term solution. Also, she refuses to just let the stuff go. I don’t ever bring it up to her anymore, she always dose. I would give my wife an acadamy award for best acteress if I was able as she is that good with it; however, when there are pictures taken on your cell phone that are geo tag with the location of where they were taken, and I am at work when they were taken with your phone, it is pretty hard to continue to believe your spouse no matter how much I may love her, understand, and what not. I realize that I have not been the greatest husband, and I cannot change what has gone on in the past; however, I have been making a great deal of changes in my life and been getting counseling for all of my issues. I don’t know what it is going to take for her to get it. Dose she even get that by her continuing to lie to me that she is telling me she has no respect for me, is insulting my intelligence, and kind of blatantly stating that, because I love her, I will just fall for and believe anything that she states. I only wish she knew how wrong she was.

  • pranab

    pranab

    June 13th, 2017 at 11:35 AM

    i have gone through the above comments–and i have confess everything to yoy-i get inspiration of life from this chat

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