My Insecure Girlfriend Is Possessive and Controlling. Should I Leave?

My girlfriend won't allow me to have a life outside of her. We've been together for four years, and in that time I've never cheated on her. In fact, I've spent almost all of my free time with her. Even so, she feels compelled to account for my time apart from her—if I'm not at work or with family, I have to be with her or I come home to 20 questions. Consequently, I have been unable to attend social gatherings that don't involve her, go to the gym ("Who are you trying to look good for?" she'll say), or pursue any me-only hobbies. She checks my text messages and makes mountains out of mole hills. One night, she was hanging out with friends. I was expecting to work late, but I finished earlier than expected and decided to go get a bite to eat with a coworker. My girlfriend was livid when she showed up at my office and I wasn't there working like I said I would be. She was even more livid to find out I'd decided to go hang out with a friend, even though she was with her friends. As a 34-year-old adult, I thought it was OK for me to make the executive call to hang with a friend to pass the time. I've read article after article about insecurity and the damage it does to relationships, and most say something to the effect of, "Don't walk ... run!" The issue isn't getting any better, so I guess that's my question: Should I run? —Owned
Submit Your Own Question to a Therapist
Dear Owned,

Does this song sound familiar?

“Every Breath You Take” by The Police:

Every breath you take
Every move you make
Every bond you break
Every step you take
I’ll be watching you

Some people think it’s a love song, but according to Sting himself, it’s the opposite—as he put it, “very, very sinister and ugly.” Does it remind you of your relationship with your girlfriend? The song is about a stalker, someone who watches every single thing their partner does or wants to do and takes away their freedom. In such a relationship, a person might feel safe and loved at first, in a secure space, but that space quickly turns into a prison.

You say you’ve read many articles about insecurity and the damage it can cause. I am not going to suggest any more books or articles to you; I think it’s time you stop reading and start doing. I think you already know all you need to.

In the kind of relationship you describe—of possessor and possessed—both partners are insecure. You ask if you should leave. I ask why you need to ask. What do you want to do? I suggest that you seek professional help and a support group so you can learn to listen to yourself, act on your true needs and desires, and develop better, healthier relationships that will help you honor your own inner guide and grow.

Respectfully,
Lynn

Lynn Somerstein
Lynn Somerstein, PhD, NCPsyA, C-IAYT is a Manhattan-based, licensed psychotherapist with more than 30 years in private practice. She is also a yoga teacher and student of Ayuveda—the Indian science of wellness. Her main interest is in helping people find healthy ways of living, loving, and working in the particular combination that works best for them, connecting to their deepest energic source so their full range of abilities can be expressed. Lynn's specialty is understanding and alleviating anxiety and depression.
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  • Brenton

    Brenton

    August 9th, 2013 at 11:07 AM

    have you given her something to be insecure about?
    The if not then I think it might be time to find a new girl. This one might take a while to shake but it might be healthire for you to cut your losses now.

  • Cesar

    Cesar

    August 24th, 2016 at 12:12 PM

    You have to let her go right away don’t call any communication whatsoever you have to be strong . She’s not dealing with a full deck shes supposed to make you happy. Sometimes you have to leave someone it’s okay you don’t need that stuff at all if a girl doesn’t love me I move on if she calls me again I don’t answer phone , remember any type of abuse is wrong

  • RLT

    RLT

    May 13th, 2018 at 12:55 PM

    My son grew up with a loving mother and brother. The girlfriend grew up with a drunk drug addict mother who birthed 4 children each with a different father and all raised by the grandmother. My son flat out stated the GF is jealouse of my sons upbringing because she did not have the same. So I’m out the door. My sons and I had a close relationship. The younger brother died in wreck returning from ski practice so not it’s just the two of us bringing us closer together which according to the GF is “UNATURAL”.

  • Physio Nedlands

    Physio Nedlands

    August 10th, 2013 at 2:03 AM

    Girls always wanted to feel secure with their boyfriends. You should be thankful to have a girlfriend that wanted to be with you all the time. That simply means she loves you. If you really love that girl, you must stay but of course make her understand that you also need some time as an individual.

  • Eric

    Eric

    August 11th, 2013 at 11:31 PM

    You have got to talk about this.Thinking she’s a control freak is not goin to work.Find out where her insecurities stem from and see how you can work to better that,if you are interested in the relationship of course.Otherwise there is no thinking needed, you know what to do!

  • Diane

    Diane

    August 12th, 2013 at 7:22 AM

    Ask yourself what you have contributed to this situation. Why is your girlfriend insecure? Make sure that you let her know how much you appreciate her. Also ask yourself if you will miss her when shes gone.

  • lisa o

    lisa o

    August 12th, 2013 at 9:58 AM

    I don’t think that you are taking her feelings into account. You told her you would be doing one thing and then went and did another. Maybe she had someone else in her life to do this to her and come to find out he was actually cheating on her. Or maybe there has been this pattern of unpredictability in her life for a very long time and the things that are going on with the two of you now in your relationship together are reminding her of things that have happened to her in the past. If this is worth holding onto then perhaps the two of you could seek out some counseling together. It depends on how much you really want to make this work.

  • John

    John

    May 25th, 2016 at 3:02 PM

    I agree that if 2 people want to work it out and have that difficulty talking to each other then therapy is required, but i dont agree with the fact that she is allowed to go and spend time with friends, and just because he finished an hour earlier than expected, he caught up with a friend. Surely it works both ways she was seeing her friend and he was seeing his until she was free.

  • Alex

    Alex

    July 26th, 2017 at 6:26 AM

    Thing is he knew what she was doing and could’ve let her know he had finished work and was going out.

  • Kay

    Kay

    August 7th, 2016 at 12:21 PM

    I’ve actually had this same situation. And sometimes plans change. So what? … My boyfriend accused me of lying when, I actually was where I said but I met up with friends after. That makes you feel guilty for no reason. Makes you feel like you’re owned.

  • Amelia

    Amelia

    August 13th, 2013 at 4:28 AM

    “My girlfriend won’t allow me to have a life outside of her”

    That’s the first statement of this letter. Just read this again. Does this in any way sound like a healthy relationship starter to you? Didn’t think so.

    How are you supposed to know who you are when she won’t let you have some time away? What is she afraid might happen, that you will go away anyway? maybe that’s it, but what she fails to see is that by not giving you this space that is exactly what she is encouraging you to anyway.

  • Surprised

    Surprised

    August 13th, 2013 at 10:26 PM

    This level of interference is really surprising!You say you haven cheated.Then There may be some part of her that you’re unaware of.This is just not acceptable no matter how much you love her coz this is illogical.You better watch out!

  • Felipe

    Felipe

    November 18th, 2013 at 2:43 PM

    Dear Owned,
    You obviously see something worth holding onto in your girlfriend or I don’t think you’d be hesitating. Maybe you feel there’s something redeemable.
    I think some of the earlier advice is worthwhile like is there something you’re doing that is contributing to it. For example, are you still keeping in touch with an ex or are you very secretive with her about something. Now if you’ve been open and fair with her then have a talk with her. See if you can get her to see that the problem is her not you, that she needs to get help. If she refuses to take responsibility and keeps blaming you then that’s a serious indicator that you might have to cut her loose. If she is willing to admit that she has a problem during a calm sharing (even if in a fit of jealousy she goes back to blaming you)then get her to commit to getting help. If she is willing to admit but the doesn’t follow through on getting help, you have your answer. Some people claim that they have been cured of jealousy with one session of effective hypnotherapy (but it has to be the right kind0. That’s all I have. Good luck to you and God bless.

  • Eydie Pasicel

    Eydie Pasicel

    January 30th, 2014 at 3:58 PM

    It sounds like her fears (perhaps abandonment issues?) are causing her to be emotionally, verbally and mentally abusive. Hopefully she is not hitting you when she becomes angry. That would constitute for physical abuse as well. And if she is, well, you are not alone. 1 out of 6 males are abused in intimate partner relationships.
    Anyways, loving someone doesn’t mean that you have to meet there every need. That is unhealthy and unrealistic. Can I suggest that you learn the components of a healthy and unhealthy relationship? You can easily google this information. If you decide to stay, remind yourself that love is kind, love is respect and love is trust. Her behavior sounds more like an obsession, or that of one who needs to control her partner rather than that of love. There is help for her, but it’s up to her to get it. Maybe you can suggest for her to talk to a therapist about her need to control were you are and who you are with. Perhaps even self esteem support groups might work for her. 211 is the number to call for referrals. Just ask for mental health services that suit your needs i.e., insurance, low income, sliding scale. Remember, you do not have a magic wand to change anyone but yourself. Let me repeat that:YOU CAN’T CHANGE ANYBODY but yourself, ok? And if she doesn’t make the decision to get help, know that it is perfectly OK for you to love her from a distance. You deserve a healthy relationship. Good luck!

  • concerned person

    concerned person

    February 10th, 2014 at 3:39 AM

    Yes she has controlling issues and that may not be your fault. She might have become like that due to family issues or ex-boyfriend issues. Speaking from personal experience, you must feel that you are being manipulated by her and has lost all your privacy and livelihood. I would like to ask you if you are alright with being dominated by her. Is she worth it? Do not expect her to change even after counseling, even if she agreed to change. A leopard doesn’t change its spots.She is suited for someone who has a weak personality and do not mind being controlled. Are you willing to change into that person? If not, i suggest you run as far as possible. Things will only get worse from here if there’s no mutual trust in the relationship.

  • kelleykelley

    kelleykelley

    February 16th, 2014 at 1:21 PM

    It’s been my experience that jealousy and controlling behaviours are most often a result of some action or attitude on the part of one’s partner. Not always but, what have you said or done to create or contribute to her insecurities? If you love her, try to help her. It deserves a conversation, with her.

  • Marian Stansbury, Ph.D.

    Marian Stansbury, Ph.D.

    March 29th, 2014 at 5:05 PM

    I can certainly empathize with how difficult it must be for you to be in this relationship but you have been for four years, so there must be something there for you. I would encourage you to seek an Imago Couples Therapist, as it appears that this intense behavior and suspicion on her part stems form early childhood wounds. In Imago couples are taught how to understand and relate in a way that is healing of the past hurts. I wish you the best whether you leave or stay and work it out. I do believe in setting limits on how we allow others to treat us. When you do this you help her learn and grow.

  • change

    change

    March 31st, 2014 at 4:21 AM

    i use to not care being in public with my gf we were always happy and didnt care about the people around us . when guys complimented my gf for being so damn hot i said thanks . i use to be carefree with her let her be free . then something in me changed when i noticed a guy eyeballing my gf like she was meat i felt heated inside but i stayed calm with my gf at a gas station store . after that happened i started to look around when we would go places and see that every guy would stare nonstop so i got even more angry inside and i couldnt take it but let my anger out but in a wrong way . i started being somewhat a guard for my gf i mugged men who stared i told my gf what to wear i started acting different and i know im hurting her .i treated her like a prisioner i went thru her phone i made her delete facebook anything that was in connection to guys even when driving ifeel like men would stare at her at a light or on the freeway behind them . we argue about my controlling ways all the time i said ill change im trying tho i am i try to be who i was when i first met her . thats all i want . but i feel like its gotten worse .im 25 and shes 29 . i love her but i dont want to love like this. i need help i dont know where to turn i dont have money for therapy i want to be happy cuz everyday i think of guys staring at my gf when i cant be with her when she goes out . even when im so tired and she wants to go somewhere i force myself to go with her to protect her . im pathetic and its getting old i want to be happy and think of nothing about who is staring at my gf i want to let it go what am i to do ? i cant live like this and i know she cant either but we love each other always .

  • Lynn Somerstein

    Lynn Somerstein

    March 31st, 2014 at 12:54 PM

    Dear Change-
    Your name is apt- you need a change, and you know it. Therapy can sometimes be more affordable than you think, and I suggest you explore therapists, schools for therapists, social workers, agencies, etc., and see what you find.
    Take care and good luck!
    Lynn

  • Gabriel E

    Gabriel E

    August 18th, 2016 at 11:21 AM

    I need help. I’m with someone who is constantly and consistently accusing me of “talking” to someone else. Gets pissed at me whenever I talk to my friend (who happens to be a much older dude who I look up to like a big brother), wakes up fighting cuz I didn’t say ‘good morning’ to her liking or didn’t say ‘goodnight’ to her liking the night before. I don’t downplay my faults and the crappy things I’m responsible for; I make sure to mention that I know I’m guilty and responsible for my poor decisions as well. She’s gotten physically violent, going as far as to hit me in my groin, punch me in the face, carve up my neck with her nails, while at the same time saying whatever she can to hurt me (emotional low blows/things that I’ve confided in her with). I’ve read and re-read what I should do to make the relationship better but I’m losing myself. I’m depressed, anxious, nervous all the time because of this. I wake up and go to sleep feeling like this. I recently married this person despite my stance against marriage thinking my act of sincere love and devotion would brighten things up; that she would come to her senses and realize “damn this guy married me, he must really love me and want only me” but things have gotten much worse in the almost 2 months we’ve been married.
    I can’t talk to friends or family without it resulting in some fight. I feel I can’t have friends. I spend every waking second with her; when I’m not at the gym I’m w/her, when I’m not working I’m w/her. Those are the only two activities I feel I can safely do and even that is starting to become a problem. Now she’s accusing me of meeting someone at the gym; I’ve invited her to come with me EVERY time! She accuses of me deleting incriminating text messages between me and “the girl I’m talking to.” There’s no logic to it anymore; no reasoning or rationalizing with her. I’m damned if I (do/don’t/say/don’t say) anything. I’ve listened to her, gone out of my way to try and ease her suspicions, I’ve even given her ALL of my passwords to email, social media, phone. Nothing has made a difference. We recently moved in with her parents (who happen to live in CA and I’m from FL; we drove here) so they could help us get back on our feet financially and since we’ve got here she’s kicked me out of her parents house multiple times, saying things like, ‘they’re my parents not yours so its my house and I want you gone’. What am I suppose to do? I haven’t found a job yet and I’m afraid another blow up is going to happen at anytime. I can’t go back to FL (and don’t want to, I came here to start a new life). She doesn’t seem to really want to change at all, no mention of seeing a therapist, she lingers around me all day long even if it means sitting right behind me while I work my freelance graphic design on my laptop (which she recently broke the screen to in one of her fits of imaginary jealous rage). I need help. I’ve had suicidal thoughts (mutual between her and I) because of this; I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I can’t keep living this way. Its been roughly a little over two years we’ve been together now and things are getting worse (which I didn’t think was possible since it was already pretty bad to begin with.)

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    August 18th, 2016 at 2:39 PM

    Hi Gabriel,
    Thank you for your comment. You mentioned experiencing physical and verbal violence from your partner, and we wanted to reach out with some resources that may be of help. First, if you feel you are in immediate danger, please call 911 or your local law enforcement for assistance, or visit your local hospital emergency room. If you are experiencing abuse, assault, or violence from a partner, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (TTY: 1-800-787-3224). You can find more resources that may be of help in your situation here: https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Please know there is help available. We are thinking of you and wishing you the very best!
    Kind regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Henry

    Henry

    April 12th, 2017 at 6:06 AM

    Thank you so much for your comment it really opened my eyes. My gf is starting down this path. People only treat them the way you allow them to teat you. If I were you, as I will be doing I’d tell her exactly how you feel and how it makes you feel. Pretty much this. I know that I want my gf and us to be happy but she keeps telling me “I’m going to get fed up” which if she keeps saying that I will. She comes from a negative mindset that she isn’t good enough but I have to just tell her to banish those thoughts. She was very insecure and needy before and I left which scared her but proved that if she doesn’t change I will go and it made a massive difference as she found ways to change all that. I love her to bits and we work at it everyday, she knows I get flustered at questions and need time to think so she doesn’t mind if I say “let me get back to you” so long as the answer I give is secure and doesn’t change and likewise she knows now that some things she will write down before she asks me them so that she can see if it’s actually needed to be said. Discussion is key, but remember , don’t allow her to act like this.

  • Joe H

    Joe H

    June 27th, 2014 at 7:10 AM

    It is amazing to see how many people here are asking “what did you do wrong to make her like this?” From everything that Owned as said
    it is clear to me that this is an issue with his girlfriend and very likely issues developed from when she was very young.
    I too was in a controlling relationship. I did not cheat, yet was accused, quizzed, abused and painted black very, very often.
    Spending time with anyone outside of her was an issue, all the while I let her to whatever she wanted and hang out with whom ever she
    wanted. Things got a worse after we got engaged as her sense of ownerhsip of me went through the roof.
    2 years was enough for me, I was really at the end of my tolerance with the cotrol and wanted out. I was given the opportunity when she cheated
    for about the 10th time. Unlucky for her on this occasion, a mutual friend witnessed things happening out one night before my ex disappeared
    off in a taxi with the guy. So, I am 100% positive that Owned has done nothing to deserve the control and jealousy.
    The problem is the only things that will fix it are therapy or walking away.
    Good luck mate!

  • Gabriel E

    Gabriel E

    August 18th, 2016 at 11:27 AM

    Its been the same here for me; two years of baseless accusations, physical & emotional/mental abuse. I decided to give this one last month of my best effort but it just seems she’s taking advantage of it and acting even worse while at the same time being all nonchalant about it as if it was no big deal. Its killing me.

  • Roses

    Roses

    November 22nd, 2016 at 5:46 AM

    Gabriel, what you are experiencing is horrific – please please get out of there, you are being abused. She will not change any time soon, if ever, and you are not responsible for her behaviour. You deserve love – go where the kindness is. You have the strength – call the helplines the owners of this site gave you as soon as you can and take steps to get out of there. Much love x

  • Suj_9t

    Suj_9t

    November 13th, 2016 at 6:48 PM

    Pls, leave a woman who is controlling. I didnt read anywhere but experienced it first hand. Had never ever cheated but always accused of till the point I contemplated cheating but never still did. Right now i don’t even know how to talk to girls anymore. My self confidence has been eroded. I’m called a lier all the time n I have to answer brainless questions n explain till i’m fatigued. Such woman make a man weak n they later look in with dis gust n call you weak. Do not listen to anybody here, especially girls telling you about talking it out with her for a controlling woman never believes she’s ever wrong. I don’t wish my enemy, a controlling woman.

  • To all the man out there

    To all the man out there

    August 23rd, 2014 at 9:49 AM

    Has it ever occurred to you that maybe you used to be more caring and and spending lots of time with her? It is definitely insecurities issues as I for one myself experiencing it right now. When I read it what guys feels in this column it sounded that I am possesive with my boyfriend. But I think it is because he used to care a lot of things about me and now all he cares about was in his free time is himself, never put a thought in our relationship and I might need to add that we are in a long distance relationship. he never asked how was my day and things going on with me. He never care enough to ask me anything now but once I did something like overreacting he would lose it and I got the blame but if I did the same thing he would lose it too but the thing is I may only have done it once and he would be all angry but my boyfriend would have done it over and over and I manage to forgive him because I do feel he is the one for me despite all the fight I am not gonna based my relationship on the one thing that he did wrong or I did wrong for the relationship. We’ve been together for almost 4 years there must be something there that is worth fighting for not to mention we’re in a long distance relationship. I am sure your girlfriend has insecurities issues from her past, if you really love her help her get through it. she might be a possesive girlfriend now but you oughta remember, I am sure she’s always there at your hardest moment encouraging you. If you love her talk through her insecurities and remind her that you won’t do anything to hurt her or lie to her. If you changed your plans, tell her text her or call her to avoid the 20 or million questions you will get when you get home. Appreciate her if she did something nice, tell her by just saying it she would have been happy. But the most important is to communicate with each other through those bad times, even though you don’t want to be in the same room as her or you want to leave the house. tell her that you would continue to discuss this problem tomorrow, it shows that you care about her. Explain to her of your situation in her shoes, women are sensitive they would be able to emphasize your case when you put it that way. But the most important is her securities you have to walk it through with her talking with her once is not enough. Insecurities are like fears there will always be there but there are ways you can minimize those fears.

  • Me

    Me

    September 5th, 2014 at 9:52 PM

    I feel that this issue is much more than we give an overview of. People are just people and almost impossible to control, presenting a case that suggests that one should understand the controllers past leading to insecurities of this magnitude is not fair. We all have a past that may not favor elationships. There is no excuse for this (silent) abuse.

  • Shells

    Shells

    September 17th, 2014 at 6:55 PM

    Ok. So after reading all of this ive noticed that maybe iam also controlling my bf. It all started one night when i rang him at home and he wasnt there. He ended up being at a frds place. From then i started to notice things. He takes his phone in the bathroom. He always lied about where he was. He was never with another girl always with a mate but that drove me mad. I mean iam a completely loyal and honest girl all i wanted was the same. Weve been together for five years. And thinking of getting engaged. Before i used to be really bad. Hacking into his fb. Looking him up on google. Asking a thousand questions. I started to develop a strange paranoia and became obsessed with what hes doing. I was convincing myself he was cheating. And i started to have anxiety and panick attacks. We broke up various times. But well always get back together. Now things are abit different. Im trying to be better but the panick attacks have started to come back. Sometimes i think its all related to abodenment issues. But all the time i still blame him. I feel that he doesnt care and that he lies to avoid my reaction. I know u must be going through alot but try to understand the girls perspective too. Dont give up. I know with time i will get better. She needs therapy and a supporting bf. Thats all.

  • Roses

    Roses

    November 22nd, 2016 at 5:56 AM

    Sounds to me like it didn’t just start with the phone call because you’ve said yourself you were really bad before. There’s a massive bit missed out in the middle of your story there and I think you’re in denial. No man hides his phone and lies about where he is for no reason. When issues are as deep as that, what is needed is therapy and no boyfriend, or risk creating a co-dependent relationship. A partner is not your therapist. It’s a serious issue that in its most escalated form gets people killed every day, and must go far beyond ‘understanding’ – no man or woman should have to put up with that.

  • Jealous gf

    Jealous gf

    September 27th, 2014 at 10:11 AM

    Ok so how can one stop being so insecure? Me and my gf split when she started getting interested in someone else. Never technically cheated on me bc we split before that happened. After 3 months we got back together bc she realized I was the person she really wanted to be with. She said she does not regret it happening bc it made her realize 100% that I’m the person she wants to be with. Since we got back together she has shown me nothing but love and dedication 100%. Doing things for me that she never had before. I love her and want nothing more to be with her forever. She has never lied to me or anything so why do I have to know her every move? Why can’t I allow her to have any friends? I mean she moved to a different county to move in with me leaving all her family and friends behind. I really do want her to have a life and friends and go do things without me but it scares me to death. Yesterday I got caught tracking her on her phone and shit hit the fan. She said I broke her trust and I know I did wrong. And we agreed to get past the past with us splitting up but the scar is still there. Is it possible to love and trust someone but still be so scared that it’s gonna happen again? I’m gonna ruin the relationship at it’s best bc I can’t get past this!! Please help me understand.

    Heartbroken

  • Lynn Somerstein

    Lynn Somerstein

    September 28th, 2014 at 3:46 PM

    Dear Jealous,
    You said it yourself, you’re “gonna ruin the relationship” if you can’t stop tracking her. That’s a strong motivation to learning how to trust.
    Here’s how I see it:
    1. You trust her, she trusts you, you love each other and you stay together.
    2. You trust her, she deceives you,and you leave her.
    3. You don’t trust her, you go behind her back to find out what she’s doing, she trusts you, but when she finds out what you’ve done, she leaves you.
    Can you learn to trust her? Is it tough for you to trust people?
    Think it over and let me know how it turns out.
    Take care,
    Lynn

  • Michee

    Michee

    October 2nd, 2014 at 8:45 AM

    She sounds crazy. Run like hell. Also, a girlfriend isn’t a wife. Easily replaceable – next!

  • kingpoop

    kingpoop

    October 17th, 2014 at 10:28 AM

    I know exactly what Owned is talking about. I have a girlfriend who lives with me and is basically a professional leech. She doesn’t pay for anything, no rent, utils, food, etc. and expects me to wait on her like a servant. I constantly ask myself how the heck did I get myself into this mess and am now trying to figure out how to get her out of my life.

  • andrew

    andrew

    October 23rd, 2014 at 11:43 AM

    mate its simple the girl is a nut. She will only get worse as she gets older. Wait and see there will come a time when even spending time with family yours or hers will become an issue.give up the ghost and pass her off. Nothing but trouble.

  • Marc

    Marc

    October 31st, 2014 at 6:57 AM

    My girlfriend of 3 yrs broke up a week ago, she was a great friend of mine before the relationship. And we are still trying to make the friendship work. However when she broke up with me ( however mutual) she wanted to out communications for 3 months.. Then we decided to keep our promise n be friends n are even planning on hanging out doing “casual stuff” but casual stuff is like clothes shopping, walks and thts stuff we did as a couple. She’ll even talk to me on the phone. I say this cuz the love is there, it’s been hard on me but I want this. However yesterday after some early morning calls, she decided to walk on our friendship n said come back in at least 3 months n she was done with me and she gave me a chance to be normal. However after accepting were over n friend im aske her if she wanted to keep the gift I got her for Christmas in advance n she said “take it”. I quickly reassured her tht wasn’t the question and I gave her for a reason n she ignored it, she seemed preety convinced we wouldn’t have any contact , even threatened a restraining order on me. Why I say this? Cuz were still talking now, like we text each other, we call. I bring this to this thread because in the relationship I loved her, but it somehow felt like prison. 2 weeks before the breakup she got mad at me cuz I said ya I said hi to this girl, it was very funny because I knew if I lied n said no nothing would happen n day would continue however I said yes and she all of a sudden became annoyed with me. There are things as an individual I wanted to doo that I knew I couldn’t cause she was in my life. I thought it was a highschool thing, cuz all she did was have lunch with me, text me, and even have our lockers next to each other. All of this was great but eventually I felt like I had only her, and strted not talking to my friends. Then highschool was about to end, n we continuously got info fights cuz I wanted to come back one year, and I asked her one day “so basically if i come back ur gnna dump me” and she said ya. Keep in mind we broke up numerous times for like a day, until I came back n apologized even tho I was not wrong. She has Probaly apologized 3 times in the whole 3 yrs for the fights we had. Now tht we broke up, I’m strting to feel it’s my fault n I could have done more, however I strted getting drained and didn’t wanna spend as much time with her, keep in mind when we spend time together tho we actually have agreat time, the Friday before the breakup we had a great day and night! Now tht the breakup is over , n i did want it. I see myself blaming me, why do I? And why are we still friends? Why all of a sudden I’m fighting again for her, not cuz I took her for granted because I never did. I knew I was lucky , the fight wasn’t there before cause of how she acted and now it’s there, I wanna hangout with her more, we barely text so now when I ask her how was her day we have tones to talk about. She still likes to talk to me she just says no bf gf stuff n I try to tell her we never did talk like 12 yr olds now entering a relationship. we were a mature couple.

  • Marc

    Marc

    October 31st, 2014 at 7:02 AM

    She is also very stubborn. And when we first strted dating n I was out with my friends I noticed she would say ” well I’m tired I’m going to sleep ttyt” and it knew it’s cause I was out cause she never slept at 10. N she also got mad at me like 2 yrs ago for saying hi to a girl at the mall that said hi to me.

  • Marc

    Marc

    October 31st, 2014 at 7:03 AM

    And now I found my self never going out, enjoying my time with her. But she went out with her friends once in a while which I’m fine with but I barely ever did with mine n when I did I knew she didn’t like it.

  • Marc

    Marc

    October 31st, 2014 at 7:08 AM

    And one last thing she says she doesn’t see us coming back together unless it’s years from now. I wanna know why she’s still talking to me, why u still wanna hangout with me, why u still haven’t walked out. Why u even want this friendship.. Cause I asked her one day idk if I can tell u everything anymore n she asked why n I asked do u wanna tell me everything n she said ya. And then I asked her do u wanna tell me everything n she said ya. I’m still the number one person in her life other than family and she is mine, why are u keeping us together as friends if u know of the bond we have. She’s also my first girlfriend and I’m her second. Her first walked out when they also mutually broke up n barely talk. N she says she doesn’t wanna give up our friendship. But I don’t think she understands u can’t be in a relationship withou being friends n just cause we don’t have the image of “couple” doesn’t mean it’s gnna make it easier

  • Marc

    Marc

    October 31st, 2014 at 7:10 AM

    And when I do try to talk to her in person all she does is listen. Why can’t she tell me stuff, instead of saying I alrdy told u what i wanna say..which is over text . Confused, I’m getting over it but I wake up thinking about her every night.

  • Dee

    Dee

    February 18th, 2015 at 10:05 PM

    Marc, I feel your pain.
    I know this is hard,hard for you..but you got to let the girl go.
    You, from what I read seems to be a decent guy, any girl will be lucky to have.
    I am not saying that she is bad or anything, but you two just seem to ..you dont see eye to eye.
    You will find the one right for you someday, you gotta believe that.
    And appreciate yourself more, you have done the best you could, you are a good, deserving, great human being.

    Have a nice day, Marc :)

  • Lynn Somerstein

    Lynn Somerstein

    October 31st, 2014 at 9:56 AM

    Marc, I hear that you’re confused and unhappy– sometimes the best way to deal with confusion is to wait until the sky clears up, the clouds go away, and you can see clearly. Give yourself some time, space and compassion until that time arrives.

  • Lynn Somerstein

    Lynn Somerstein

    October 31st, 2014 at 9:56 AM

    Thank you for writing.
    Take care,
    Lynn

  • mirror image

    mirror image

    November 10th, 2014 at 3:25 AM

    Hahaha…for a minute there I thought you were talking about my life!!!

    My ex – girlfriend’s insecurity was legendary!! Constant accusations of me cheating on her, checking my phone messages and text messages, checking my email, my facebook, even to the point where she thinks she can see in my head and read my thoughts and memories!!! LOL!!

    I have since cried my last tear for her and I just couldn’t handle the accusations. Been together for 3 years with 2 and half of those being accused of cheating. I loved the girl but my heart was getting heavy and I had to let her go.

    The best part was when I struck it big on a business deal, she asked me to do a “palm shake” (her version of a pinky swear), that if we didn’t work out that I would still buy her a home in Hawaii…I looked at her and thought she was crazy…Two days later after another accusation, I finally had enough and said my goodbyes. She still blames me and she still thinks I cheated and she still calls me from different numbers since I blocked her from my phone. I guess you’ll believe anything to ease the pain in your heart. :)

  • Arthur

    Arthur

    January 3rd, 2015 at 6:54 AM

    Mate, honestly cut that thing loose, your life will get better. The sad thing is a lot of people stay in messed up relationships like this because 1. Sex 2. They don’t think they will find anyone better (which your gf will probably also try and tell you this in order to try and control you and make you believe that this is the case) 3. You can’t picture a life without them 4. You think of all the good times 5.you feel sorry for them and think of how they would feel instead of what your feeling blah blah blah… Honestly, dump that girl and live your life. You are more important than anyone else. To many people live there lives trapped by poisonous relationships and it makes me sick, you only live once and a lot of people forget about that till it’s to late. Be a man not a mouse, you make the rules, be yourself, go hang with your friends, keep doing your hobbies or whatever else you love doing. You still have to make time for your partner also but if someone can’t accept you for who you are don’t change yourself to fit into there life and pretty much live there life keeping them happy at your own sacrifice, that stuff is not healthy. Being single is not the end of the world, in fact I believe everyone should be single for a good bit of there adult lives. Being single and travelling around allows you to build your self and become happy with who you are, loving yourself and understanding yourself first are very important qualities to have before you enter a committed relationship. If to people that haven’t really found themselves jump into a relationship together it just turns into a mess. I could talk about this stuff for a long time, man up fellas stop being soft pussies and stand up for yourself, if a woman can’t accept who you are and what you stand for, don’t change, move on and find someone that suits you. Be a wolf not a sheep.

  • Alen

    Alen

    September 19th, 2016 at 8:14 AM

    THIS is the best comment here. She has problems and its not your problem. Your problem is not standing up for yourself. So if you cant help yourself how do you plan on changing her? Traveling, friends, hobbies and living alone are the best ways to build a strong personality to know what you want. Just left my girlfriend 2 months before the wedding cause she had serious issues where at one point I gave in to all her crazy demands. These person only need a someone who cares BUT doesnt give in or does favors and a therapist. I wasnt neither.

  • Taino

    Taino

    January 9th, 2015 at 9:59 AM

    Wow…For a while I felt I was the only one that had this experience…
    A couple of years back, After being single for 3 years, I dated a beautiful women i met at a gym, We clicked, dated and before I knew it, We were an item.
    She was eerily perfect, I didnt comment much in the begining, Just wondered to myself ‘What’s the catch?’.
    Anyway, As the weeks turned to months, I figured Maybe, she’s the one..
    The first Red Flag came one evening that I was going to drop a gift off at her apartment, But I said to her that I was only able to drop it off and had to leave, Because it was late and I had to work early the next day, Over the phone she pleasantly agreed, but when I got to her home and dropped off her gift and said goodnight, I noticed an immediate change in her personality, She became hostile, used some colorful language, and refused to let me go reminding me she was my girlfriend, that It was unfair for me just to walk away and not spend the night…Frankly…It creeped me out!

    I re-explained to her that I had an early work schedule and just had a busy day, That I was very tired, I found myself reassuring her that i would make it up after I got out of work etc…This was the ‘AAA-HAAAA” moment… this was when I realized..What The Catch was….She was a Psycho!

    Still I didn’t share my oppinion with her, I decided to pay closer attention to her behavior in the hopes that she’d proove me wrong…Unfortunatly the opposite happened.

    As time passed, her behavior worsened, I was accused of everything from drug abuse to infidelity and everything in between, none of which were true.
    She claimed she had a ‘feeling about things’ I suggested they may be delusions!

    Eventually, She became physical to the point when I was concerned for my well being, If i’d responded by raising my hand at her she more than likely would’ve had me arrested, I stand 6’4 and I’m built like a bull, This woman was around 5’2..she would challenge me to hit her, Its not my nature to be abusive to anyone, so I would just walk away, as I would walk away, she would call me coward, along with a few other uncomplimentary names… My patience was tested with severity, realizing this wasn’t going to end well, I decided it was time to jump ship! It had to stop! I walked away and never looked back, I don’t want her friendship or anything close to it, I just wish her well and hope she does find happiness in her life, despite her flaws, we all deserve to be happy.

    I can keep going about my experience, but instead I’ll close with this…

    Trust your instincts guys, If you’re feeling trapped, bullied, Taken advantage of, accused or belittled, WALK AWAY FAST! They can only continue this behavior if you allow it.

    There are wonderful ladies out there who would never put you through torments such as these, But you’ll never meet them as long as you have a Ball and chain around your ankle dragging you to the bottom, Women like this don’t need relationships, They need therapy, And lots of it. They’ll cloud a sunny day with fights, argumements and negative issues…Walk away and don’t look back!

    Peace!

  • Dynolu

    Dynolu

    June 30th, 2016 at 12:42 AM

    You did the right thing
    Unfortunately I married someone who exhibited similar red flags. The price I’ve paid I will always regret!

  • W POV

    W POV

    February 13th, 2015 at 7:52 AM

    Not sure if this is guys only, but if so, sorry in advance :) I am seeking for advice. I came upon this blog after typing in, “How to trust your guy going to the gym?” The reason why I asked that is because around some time last week, without me knowing, my boyfriend got up early to go to the gym. I don’t blame him for working out because I know it is for his health, and appearance is also somewhat part of it. It’s been a while since the last time he has worked out though. But why this has become an issue for me to see him hit the gym is because I have caught him taking a few photos of women at the gym before. I do not know for what reason. He could have taken those photos to show it to his friends, make jokes out of it, etc. There could be many possible reasons why he could have taken those photos. But just the thought of it really creeps me out. As for being a human being, I think it’s all human to develop self defense mechanism to protect ourselves to survive in this world. So as for me, my jealousy kicks in. After witnessing him taking those photos with his phone, how could I trust him to go to the gym without worrying about him checking other girls out? We both want to compromise and find some solution to solve this issue, but I don’t know how or where to begin. I know our arguments puts a hard impact on both of us. The jealousy topic comes up pretty often. He has done other things in the past before that brought my jealousy up so high. He has not physically cheated on me, but he did talked to his lady “friends” and I would find half naked photos of them on his phone. We talked out these issues and so far, he’s been improving. But as for me, I don’t think I have improved much… how can I really look pass his past? My wall comes up so easily. I am traumatized by his actions before and I am sure he is pretty traumatized by our arguments. I understand it is not healthy for relationships. I really want to fully trust him again. I just don’t know what to do. and this whole gym thing, I don’t know how to handle it at the moment. Please advise. Thank you!

  • hello

    hello

    March 6th, 2015 at 3:29 PM

    Whaaaatt..you need to leave this guy. You’re blaming yourself when his behaviour has been consistently unacceptable. When you say pictures of girls at the gym, do you mean pictures they tale together or he just takes pictures of them working out without their knowledge?

  • Nabzi

    Nabzi

    July 30th, 2015 at 5:06 PM

    Darling he is cheating on you. Half naked photos of other women. He is definitely cheating. Flirting with other women is cheating. Why are u with him. U have 2 choices. Either stay with him and put up with it or don’t put up with it and leave him. Have u tried to ask him why he does all this?

  • Lynn Somerstein

    Lynn Somerstein

    February 13th, 2015 at 1:18 PM

    Hi W POV-

    Trust needs to be rebuilt, and a marital therapist may be able to help. It takes time and patience.
    Take care,
    Lynn

  • Dee

    Dee

    February 18th, 2015 at 9:57 PM

    Everybody has their own insecurities. If you are looking for someone that is perfect, you will be looking forever. That said, you still also have to look after yourself and fill your own needs and happiness. Do what makes you happy, and what is right.

    My suggestion is to talk with her, openly, dont hold back,;and try to understand it from her point of view. Or her shoes. Like I said, everybody has their own insecurities. No human is ever perfect.

  • Çindi

    Çindi

    February 25th, 2015 at 12:17 AM

    My boyfriend is dating someone else.We have been broke up about a year.now and up to 3 months ago he was coming bye,e every day we are still friends He met this girl and he now come bye when he gets a chance and call me
    .But he tell me that she is so jealous when other girl come around him,and when we were thegether it didn’t bother me. But on Facebook he puts how much he loves her,and he said she wants him to put it on there so everyone knows that he belongs to her,but he told me he dose it to please her. And kusty a couple of days ago there went to a friends service. Which had been our friend for over 2 yrs,and see meet him when he was sick so she didn’t know him like I did,anyway o was there and I was nice to the both of them I even talk to her a little,and stayed bye to the both of the when they left.Then the next day me and my x was playing and poke each other on Facebook and I got off for about a hour and he had block me I text him and ask him what’s going on why did you block me. He said she told me to it’s mess up are relinship between them for us be friends on Facebook, so I deleted you and some other people.I told him she was trying to control him and he said no she isn’t..As me be a friend I can see it,and I told him and he saying am tired of all this am just going away and know won knows where I am.Because I put it in black/white and he new I was right but still won’t do anything about it.. So my big question is what can I do to make him see that she making a fool out of my best friend which I am still in love with him and he tell me that I am in heart and he loves me.But she is hutring him what can I do as his friend to show him…. That she is hurting him…..

  • Nabzi

    Nabzi

    July 30th, 2015 at 5:03 PM

    He is not your boyfriend anymore o how does that concern you
    If she treats him like that and he don’t realise it then maybe he likes it. And if he says he still loves you then why is he with her and not you. He seems to be cheating on her when he tells u he loves u too. So her insecurities are not wrong. Let him go and decide himself and you need to move on

  • Nick

    Nick

    March 4th, 2015 at 8:55 PM

    I know this experience all too well and I hate to say it but it won’t get any easier, I left my controlling partner a year ago now and can honestly say my life is so much better without her in it. A year down the line and I have a new girlfriend and life is so much better. My advice, when you see these warning signs run for the hills as fast as you can, life’s simply too short to stay with a person who makes you miserable. A relationship works both ways, you help each other out and also if the relationship started on a bad note such as flirting or being a player girls will understandably remember this, difference is bunny boilers constantly hold this against you even if it is in the past, they can’t forget the past. My ex used to always check my mobile phone to check my emails, facebook, my bank account and when we split she even hacked into my emails, bank account etc as she was losing control and this freaked her out completely. Another thing she did when she realised she couldn’t control me was hit me and even grab the steering wheel of the car whilst I was driving, totally dangerous and reckless. I was made to feel guilty for wanting to see family members and even leaving the house when she wasn’t there, manipulators have a frightening way of getting inside your head and making you believe you are at fault when you are not. I’m posting this in the hope that some one else in a similar situation can read this and relate to it in some way and find the strength to just leave a bad relationship, girl or guy. Took a while to rebuild my life, the relationship caused depression and anxiety issues which I am only just in recovery from today. I remember when I was in a nightclub I was accused of all sorts when the truth was that I was just drinking and trying to have a good time with her, it’s hard though when you give a person so much attention and even that’s not enough, you get accused of lying and not paying her enough attention. She used to message my old girlfriends on facebook asking personal questions, bet it creeped them out and she always thought she was right, 100% of the time, no humility what so ever. Anyway it’s kind of fragmented the way I’ve structured this but I hope I’ve made my point and hate the thought of anyone else going through what I went through. Male or female if you find yourself in this situation, get out as soon as you can before you lose old friends, your job, dignity and even your money, manipulators control how you spend that as well. It’s difficult to leave and it took an intervention from my family to give me the strength.

  • Tim

    Tim

    March 18th, 2015 at 7:37 PM

    I got a question myself. Couldn’t find where to post it so I’m hoping someone can give me some insight. My girlfriend constantly well say hanging with a friend or a friend is over. I asked her why she doesn’t just say who it is and she told me she doesn’t say names. So I said it would make me feel better if she did and she told me it’s not that important. To me it’s like she’s keeping secrets. Am I just paranoid or do I have ground to feel this way?

  • Nabzi

    Nabzi

    July 30th, 2015 at 4:58 PM

    She seems to be playing mind games with you. Because she could lie if she was keeping something from u. Playing hard to get is what it’s called. She gives u half answers and keeps u guessing. Why don’t u act like u dont care and she will be the one who will feel wat ur feeling

  • Harry

    Harry

    March 29th, 2015 at 4:10 PM

    The same thing is happening to my friend. He knows it’s happening too, but doesn’t leave, which baffles me. He can’t even go out for a few beers with friends without her ringing and texting him every 5 mins. He has to be at a certain time after work or the phone calls start again. I bumped into him in a supermarket a few weeks back, so we went for a quick coffee, she rang him no less than 9 times inside a 20 minute period. Bearing in mind we have been friends for over 30 years, so I’m quite honest with him and tell him something has to change, put his foot down, or leave her. He defends this by saying she’s had a few bad relationships in the past and she’s insecure for this reason. I wonder if these guys jumped ship for the same reason? She’s slowly but surely alienating him from his family and friends, to the point where he has stopped talking to his brother through her, this shocked me as they were inseparable before he met her. He always comments on my relationship with my wife and how we do what we want, i.e. Go on nights out without each other, we go on weekends away with our respective friends, that’s because we trust each other 100%. I feel for him, but what more can I do?

  • Melissa

    Melissa

    April 5th, 2015 at 11:42 PM

    I’m actually really disgusted by these comments here that think that the girl’s behavior is actually okay and justified. No, I’m sorry, but this behavior is not okay or justifiable at all.

    I know this behavior well. My ex displayed all of it and more, and it tore our relationship apart. She hated me spending time with my best friends, thought one of them was flirting with me and wanted me to end the friendship of five/six years, wanted to know who all of my contacts were, acted suspicious when I wasn’t spending my time with her, was always accusing me of cheating or hiding things from her, got angry when I wanted to do certain things but it was fine for her to do those same exact things, whether it be spending time with friends or going out to dinner with family or things like that. That’s only a sliver of what I went through in the little less than a year we were together. I felt smothered, like I was on a leash and there was no slack. She had trust issues thanks to previous exes screwing her over so I understand her reasoning, but that still does not make it okay. People ask why I stayed, it was because I loved her, but I also felt like I couldn’t. She wasn’t just controlling or possessive, she was emotionally abusive as well, and it wrecked my self esteem, because I would believe what she told me, that every little bad thing was my fault because I wasn’t a good girlfriend and I wasn’t a good person, and it’s not easy to come back from that if you’ve been through it. I couldn’t share my opinions, she always had to be right, I couldn’t argue back, I just took it and let it happen because that was the only way to keep her happy.

    So to all of you who are sitting here saying the OP should be grateful to have a girlfriend like that or that they must have done something to set her off, no, go sit in the corner and think about what you said because you are enabling that behavior and normalizing it and making everyone think it’s okay when it’s not. No, just no. Go sit in that corner, and you think long and hard about just how bad it is to be in a relationship where you cannot breathe, you cannot thing, where you are always in the wrong, always being questioned, never once being trusted, and see if you’d be okay with that.

  • Jess

    Jess

    May 17th, 2015 at 10:52 AM

    OMG! That sounds like the relationship I am trying to get over. The problem I am dealing with is that she went from being that type of person to a total turn around to where she stopped caring and left me all within a month. Now I’m dealing with every emotion available.

  • Gracie

    Gracie

    August 9th, 2015 at 8:18 PM

    Wow Melissa. That’s exactly what I’m going thru currently. I just figure it was because of her horrible childhood that she had of being in foster homes and not having an really family, other then the foster system family. I was very happy being with her for the 6 1/2 months. It’s now 8 months and the past month it’s been fighting between us. Mostly it’s her thinking I’m hiding stuff from her.
    I ended my relationship with someone I used to be engaged with (giving him a second chance after he cheated on me the first time) cuz I wasn’t going to be happy with him in the end. And thought/saw myself being happy with her.
    I do care a lot about her.
    I’ve been trying to be patient with her and help her see that I’m not hiding anything from her. For anyone else who has been in this position, can someone help give me advice on what I should do if I want to stay in this relationship?

  • Idiot Abroad

    Idiot Abroad

    May 18th, 2015 at 10:04 AM

    need help. I have a really controlling girlfriend and dont know what to do. my big problem is because my life as it is literally depends on her. I emigrated to my current country in Asia 2 years ago and started dating her not long after I arrived. At first it was like a dream come true, but then it turned bad. Now she pretty much rules me. She still lives with her parents and because of her asian culture she cannot move out till she marries. Every day she expects me to come to her house and sit with her parents (who dont speak a word of english) while they watch terrible local tv. Im expected to help take her mother grocery shopping once a week. She gets in a bad mood anytime I want to see my friends and is the master of manipulation. Anytime we argue she will profusely apologise and blame herself because she knows it will make me look the bad guy. I always feel like Im walking in eggshells, not helped by the fact that english is our second languages and the vast culture diffrences. She has repeatedly threatened me that if I do anything bad to her or leave her, she will do everything in her power (and as a government worker in asian country that has little in the way of rights for ffor me as a foreigner,she has a lot more power) to make me leave. I will do anything to avoid going back to my country but with a controlling girlfriend, few friends she accepts and thousands of miles from my family, I feel like I have noself worth and Im now living her life, not my own. But given my circumstances Im pretty much at the mercy of her and I will never have the career opportunity at home that I do here. I feel so lost and confused.

  • Gomen

    Gomen

    May 29th, 2015 at 6:56 PM

    I live with my ex partner, plainly I would be on the street if not. This was my decision.
    It was civil but I see myself doing all the chores as she looms over me every minute she can. I see her peering at my phone for information to start a row. She works and sometimes leaves hours early before shifts, it’s not my place to ask why, we are not together.
    When we were together I had black eyes, bist lips and hot water thrown at me, basically she is psychotic, controlling, insecure and will go that extra mile to ensure she is number one.
    Now I get locked out and the odd bunch of clothes chucked in the street.
    My main outlook is….is that it’s their problem, their insecurity, nobody owns you or can tell you how to lead your life. Would you waste the precious time you have with someone who is so unbelievably far past controlling.
    My ex is younger than me and I understand she may have a past and be insecure, but it was not me that caused this and I am no verbal or physical punchbag substitute for her past and issues. I felt sympathetic towards her but past is past. When she cackles and laughs after her outbreaks there’s nothing more that can be done. Finally I do what I want to do, n I am moving on. I will Leave this chapter for the better, maybe at the cost of another outbreak kicking and screaming from her, but I will survive. The world is too great not to be discovered and surround yourself with people who will do anything and be loyal. People with ambition and goals and positivity. If you wanna stay part of it and still write the same stuff about them over and over, you need to tell the strong ppl in your life about them. Trust me.they will back.down unless they are psycho, then you need your family asap and the police. Thankfully the police have witnessed first hand what I have put up with. Luck and love to those of you still struggling. Xx

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    May 29th, 2015 at 8:14 PM

    Thank you for your comment, Gomen. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about domestic violence at https://www.goodtherapy.org/therapy-for-domestic-violence.html and additional information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Phil

    Phil

    June 12th, 2015 at 8:13 PM

    I’m 41 I have ruind my relation ship because I’m insucure and I want to stop I have a butiful partner but ever so after I get this feeling that she didn’t want me and I’m really starting to see what I do and it’s so wrong I don’t want to be this way and I don’t want to lose someone that is the world to me what can I do to fix my problem ?

  • Dr. Lynn Somerstein

    Dr. Lynn Somerstein

    June 13th, 2015 at 7:25 AM

    Dear Phil,
    Thanks for writing– have you considered therapy with someone who could help you with your feelings of insecurity? What do you think?
    take care,
    Lynn

  • Laveeba

    Laveeba

    June 20th, 2015 at 7:06 AM

    Why is it that if a guy is possessive about a girl it’s the love he has on her but if I a girl is possessive it’s like keeping the boy in a prison ? I am in love for two years my boyfriend doesn’t like me talking to other boys but if I tell him not to talk to girls he is getting angry . wouldn’t I expect the same things he is expecting from me ?

  • Stephanie

    Stephanie

    June 28th, 2015 at 1:05 AM

    So I have a problem. I happen to be dating my neighbor and everything is going so well and his a great guy but he has a female best friend who spends a lot of time with him than I do. She always spends the night at his place at least once a week. He lets me know when she does I have talked to him about it before because I wasn’t comfortable with it but she still shows up sometimes. He always makes me feel like I’m trying to end their friendship but I’m not I just don’t like her sleeping over esp when I’m not there . tho he has two guest rooms. It makes me worry but I just need to know if I am overreacting.

  • cheshta

    cheshta

    July 6th, 2015 at 12:15 PM

    I think having a possessive gf means that she is not having enough time with you. Girls always want to have that guy that is always available for her. I personally think that having a gf who is highly possessive about you means that you are lucky. She loves you madly. but don’t trust you. She didn’t believe that you too love her in that extent. I suggest, if you want :
    1. Try to be more protective towards her
    2. When she act possessive, leave all your work and hug her tight and spend whole day with her to tell her that there is no reason to worry.
    3. Kiss her each day and tell her how madly you fallen in love with her.

    The more love you show to her, she will be normal with time.

    Trust me! a possessive gf is just a worry in gf head that the amount of love she is giving to you is not “=” to that she is receiving.

    Love her!!!

  • Job

    Job

    July 16th, 2015 at 1:32 PM

    I’m sorry but that is a terrible answer. You can’t just give up everything for someone else. A relationship should be a two way thing with both giving and taking and compromises. You shouldn’t be hypocritical. This guys girlfriends behaviour is just plain wrong and she needs professional help to deal with her problems. It doesn’t show she loves him, it shows she doesn’t trust him

  • John D.

    John D.

    October 31st, 2015 at 4:35 PM

    I agree. That’s some pretty shitty advice. O wait honey let me leave work in the middle of the day to waste it arguing with you.I’m sure my boss will understand. Whoever wrote that is probably a f***ing stalker as well..

  • Emily

    Emily

    July 7th, 2015 at 6:48 AM

    Do yourself a favour, love yourself, take care of yourself and leave her.
    Be advised that if you do leave or try to leave she will most likely “change” or fall apart, try and guilt you, make all kinds of promises she has no intention of keeping basically do or say anything to keep you. Please don’t fall for it. You deserve better.

  • scousepaul

    scousepaul

    July 13th, 2015 at 7:47 AM

    To true. U have power here and she wants to blind u from it. Don’t allow it.

  • Dale

    Dale

    July 21st, 2015 at 10:04 AM

    My GF accuses me of staring at women in the gym. Have I glanced before… absolutely I’m human, but i never gawk. She tries convincing me I do. She also blames me for women staring at me. She claims I must have led them on to believe they were hot and I showed them attention when she wasn’t around. The women who stare at me supposedly let off energy that she feels is them being sad that I am not showing them attention. We also live in Michigan and I am from Ohio. OSU vs MSU is the biggest football rivalry in the country. When I wore my OSU shirt to a bar the bartender jokingly said she couldn’t serve me. My GF claimed i flirted with this woman right in front of her. She went as far as saying not one woman likes football, and if they say they do, they are di** sucking who*3$ who love attention. How do i fix this? If she wasn’t this insecure than she would be my dream girl.

  • tomak g

    tomak g

    September 20th, 2015 at 9:28 AM

    be yourself!. coz if u put too much attention on her , on the nxt couple of months : ) dumb! you’ll end it up just lyk me .. drowning in fear .. it’s lyk a card flip ..

  • johnny

    johnny

    July 22nd, 2015 at 12:24 PM

    It’s a stalker indeed, and I should tell you the longer you stay with her the more dangerous she might become. Out of fear of losing you she might hurt are kill you to prevent any one from taking you away from her, get out while you can, while she not attached to the point of insanity man.

  • Darryl

    Darryl

    October 10th, 2015 at 10:14 PM

    I know what you mean I think my current girlfriend Wil do this to me

  • Dawnlyn

    Dawnlyn

    July 26th, 2015 at 7:58 AM

    My son is in his third year of college he had a opportunity to go to Australia but She put the cabash on that he can’t play any coed sports at school She is a very insecure girl and controlling
    I don’t like it

  • ObidentNSubservient

    ObidentNSubservient

    October 26th, 2015 at 6:00 AM

    You should do what she tells you, and stop being such a ungrateful snob, you should feel lucky to have someone that loves and cares for you as much as her.

  • Frank

    Frank

    November 5th, 2015 at 4:30 AM

    Are you saying you would rather be whipped??? Grow a pair…

  • Matin

    Matin

    December 14th, 2015 at 11:48 AM

    This is a woman . That’s 120% certain

  • hunk

    hunk

    October 29th, 2015 at 3:57 AM

    same condition here. just get out of that relationship and have blast with ur family and friends

  • Gee

    Gee

    November 7th, 2015 at 3:56 AM

    My situation is complicated.

    My current girlfriend is disabled and in her past she was cheated and lied to by her former husbands (Married). As we got together everything was okay until I began to open up to her and told her about my female friends. As time went by she began to questioned me about them and yes I was honest about everything because I thought that it was the right thing to do, but then I found out that because of her past she became insecure.

    So the drama began and we have been on and off like for almost two years now. Mind you I love this girl but her insecurities are destroy everything. I’m the type of guy that loves to be with my girl at all times, I like to go out and do thing to have fun. I understand that she is disable but that shouldn’t minimize of us being together and have fun and quality time. But she rather stay home at all times with her parents in her house practically living with her. When I ask to see her she tells me not today, when I get to be with her after that I don’t see her until further notice. I get frustrated because I don’t know what to do. At times my friends calls me to see if I want to go out and I go and as for it my girl calls and text to ask what I’m doing and with who i am with, so i be honest and hell if i do. She fights and claims her rights but then again she does not want to meet or get to know them. What she expects if she does not want to see me, to stay home just like her? Not at all.

    At times I just want to call it the quits and the hell with everything but then again I love her. Insecurities, Jealousy and no understanding is driving me crazy…

  • Ash

    Ash

    November 25th, 2015 at 6:24 AM

    My fiances best friend is going through something similar. His girlfriend shes always running around with her friends and her friends are always at the house, but doesn’t allow him to talk to my fiancé, they’ve been best friends since the second grade, when they do have a conversation she will occasionally take his phone and text my fiancé back, always goes through all of his things, he’s no longer allowed at our house, we are planning our wedding and he is to be the best man but she won’t let him be part of the planning because she’s jealous of the wedding, she wouldn’t let him come out to eat for my fiances birthday because she doesn’t trust other girls, he never leaves the house, even if she’s working and he’s not he sits there all day so her mother doesn’t tell he that he left. Not only all of this but she’s not good for him. She’s always partying, and under he influence and forces him to drink as well, but he refuses to see what’s wrong. I’m tired of seeing my significant other so worried about a friend who obviously doesn’t care how do you deal with such a crazy insecure female?

  • Lia

    Lia

    December 16th, 2015 at 1:19 PM

    I love my partner and will always be faithful to him, I do everything to make him and I happy. He is very sweet, faithful and everything, but the problem is once I don’t do or follow what he wants me to be doing he will automatically rage at me call me a bitch, swear at me with all the swearing do you can make up. He hates asking waiters for help or people in public in general that I have to do all the work even though I don’t want to but he pressures me to do so or he will fight with me. He always degrade me when it’s not his way. When I try to speak up for myself I’m still the wrong one, no matter how much I want to explain calmly I’m still srill wrong he’s the “right” even though most of the times I let him just be right for the sake of him acting out and full rage at me every time, I just can’t stand it anymore. I do everything he wants me to to make him happy like not going to certain events and etc.. When I want to play basketball with him he says no so I was alright with it. The minute his friends plans to play ball he wants to play. Now here is what making me upset not really a big deal but when I ask something to do together he makes up all the excuses he can make up. But when it comes to others he will do anything to make it happen, which is unfair for me. So for an experiment I told him to promise me not to play ball with them he can skip that but still hang out with them afterwards. But as always his promises never really happens. So end of the day I got a little upset for that because he wouldn’t wanna do thing with me but with them he will. They are always on group chat together, playing league everyday. Everyday I have to deal with his rage moments with me up to the point that it makes me feel sick. My bp going high, I’ve been baking and doing my own thing to avoid those , just rather have a hot bath than deal with my partner who’s very manipulative, unfair and doesn’t give me a chance to speak up. I just don’t know what to do anymore I never had the opportunity to go out and have fun but he’s been going out with his buddies every week because of him. If I end facetime, he will automatically think Im texting other guys etc. it’s crazy. When Im probably just watching a movie or baking to distress rather than deal with him.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    December 16th, 2015 at 3:11 PM

    Dear Lia,

    We saw your recent comment and wanted to thank you for sharing. The GoodTherapy.org Team is not qualified to offer professional advice, but if you would like to discuss your relationship, or anything else, with a professional, we want to encourage you to reach out. It can often be helpful to simply talk to someone.

    You can locate a therapist or counselor in your area by entering your ZIP code here:

    https://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html

    Please know that you are not alone.

    Kind regards,

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Steve

    Steve

    December 21st, 2015 at 12:21 PM

    Hi I need help,I also have a bad situation like this, a very controlling girlfriend, she accuses me off everything I can’t even go out with friends as she tell me there not really my friends and they aren’t loyal, I can’t go to my family’s without her starting a huge argument and accusing me of making it up so I can go out and get girls! If I don’t have sex whenever she wants she accuses me of going with others and that’s why I’m not in the mood, but it’s because I’m tired from work and all the arguing. She also doesn’t work and is very lazy and complains about being board even when I’ve gave up my whole life to keep her from having a breakdown she’s still not happy and wants me to listen to her . My big problem is the fact that she was on a contraception implant and she got pregnant, and after that she got really nasty and basically planned my life out and told me my life would be as a dad now and I would need to come stay with her and work and come home to look after the baby after my long shifts even tho she doesn’t work. In the end she had a misscarage and was very sad, she cryed and made me feel bad and said that I would leave her now ,I found her in the toilet cutting herself with a razor! I felt bad so stayed with her and comforted her as I didn’t want her to do anything silly. The weeks passed and she was not to bad, and she had apparently got her Inplant re done as it must’ve been faulty. I was still pretty scared of this happening agen so I suggest condoms and she went mad telling me that I must be cheating and that’s why I want to wear them, and that the implant had run out that’s why it failed and this one would work defo. Well about a month later she told me she was pregnant agen! And her nasty attitude is back , she will say things like if u split with me u won’t see the baby and I’ll go to London! The other side of the UK, or thing like if she sees me with any other girls she will kill herself and make everyone know it’s was because of me. I think this girl has had a hard time in life so I’ve tried to help her in every aspect of her life but she doesn’t want to shed set in her ways and expects me to just listen to abuse and never leave the house. She’s also got another child a 3 year old to a guy that’s Bairly helped or seen the kid and she gets a hard time from them to, it’s constant conflict and I’m worried as she’s now pregnant with my child and all this is showing no sign of stopping. She doesn’t seem like she’s going to let me go from this toxic environment without causing me to pay badly! I know she will take any cash she can get from me if I leave to and that’ll go to pay for the other guys kid to as he doesn’t work, but that’s not even the problem it’s more the fact she’s having the baby and using it as blackmail to keep me and if that doesn’t work she’s using suiside to keep me from leaving! Suiside is possible as after every bad argument she goes right to the toilet and I catch her with cuts and the racers are always lying next to the sink.With all this she also makes out I am a bad person to her and taunts me to say things in anger she can later use agenst me. So any idea how I can get help for this as I’m young and don’t want to tell my mum as she’s under a lot of stress at the minute, and does it sound like she’s tricked me in to getting her pregnant by telling me she was on a good contraception when she’s prob had it taken out after the misscarage? And before anyone says she didn’t make me have sex, I know that but I just find it crazy she’s gotten pregnant twice in the space of a month whilst on a 99.9% effective contraception. Any help would be great thanks .

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    December 21st, 2015 at 1:31 PM

    Dear Steve,

    We here at GoodTherapy.org are not qualified to offer professional advice, but if you would like to talk about this or any other concern with a mental health professional, you are welcome to return to our homepage https://www.goodtherapy.org/, and enter your zip code into the search field to find therapists in your area.

    Once you enter your information, you’ll be directed to a list of therapists and counselors who meet your criteria. From this list you can click to view our members’ full profiles and contact the therapists themselves for more information. You are also welcome to call us for assistance finding a therapist. We are in the office Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Pacific Time; our phone number is 888-563-2112 ext. 1.

    Kind regards,

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • John

    John

    December 22nd, 2015 at 4:06 PM

    I’ve been in a serious relationship for 2 years with a woman who is 10 years younger than I am. I’m 34. We’re from different cultural backgrounds… she’s latina and the relationship has been 99% in Spanish because she’s never had the self confidence to speak to me in English. About half the relationship has been distance… both of us were abroad in different countries for a year. We both love each other very much and have a lot of interests in common, have had a lot of amazing experiences together, and we’ve spoken about wanting to get married and have a future together. For both of us, the other is our first true love. Over the past six months however there have been serious problems relating to trust, lack of respect for privacy, and insecurity. We’ve both made mistakes in the relationship… about a year ago I wrote some very imprudent and stupid things in private messages to friends on several occasions, primarily when I was unfortunately excessively drunk… things like gossiping about other women in a superficial way, having conversations about strip clubs I visited in the past with friends, venting my frustrations about my girlfriend after she would do something that would really drive me crazy. In addition to that I have on a few occasions mistakenly crossed the line in a joking way with my regular female friends in private messages, but never expressed any desire to cheat or be with another woman… rather I would say to my friends “my dear”, “hello beautiful” and things like that, intending to be caring, not intending to flirt. I have many more female friends than male friends, and they all know that I’m dedicated to my girlfriend and only in love with her. My female friends know that I’m joking and not serious when I write caring things to them, but to someone reading the messages from outside it would appear as if I’m flirting. My girlfriend’s mistakes are that she’s continuously invaded my privacy, on Facebook 4 times and WhatsApp once, in order to investigate me as if I were a criminal. So she read all of my conversations with maybe 50 friends, maybe dating back to two years, including the conversations in which I wrote negative things about her behavior and those in which I wrote superficial and scandalous/perverted things to some friends. In her culture women grow up believing that all men will cheat on their wives or girlfriends, and it’s not such a big deal to spy on your partner… for me it’s one of the worst offenses that someone can commit. She continued to invade my privacy despite promising me four times that she would never do it again, and she always obtained the capacity to do it after or while I did something very kind for her, such as invite her on an exotic vacation or visit her in her temporary country of residence. She became obsessed with my messages, even going as far as to take screenshots of my private conversations and keep them for months as evidence, and would not delete them despite promising me various times that she had or would. She’s literally made herself sick by obsessing over the content of my private messages, and has repeatedly and harshly berated me over a period of five months, touching the same topics over and over. I’ve recognized my error and admitted that I wrote some very stupid and imprudent things, and I’ve sincerely apologized maybe 30 times and pledged to not repeat those errors, but despite telling me a few months ago that she forgives me she has continued to obsess over what she read and throw everything in my face, berate me about the same things over and over, and ignore my explanations and promises that I’ve always been completely dedicated to her and love her and her body, haven’t ever entertained the idea of being with another woman nor have had that desire, and that many negative things were just written out of frustration or anger and do not truly reflect what I really feel, think, or desire. She knows that I have never physically cheated on her, and I’ve always treated her extremely well… I am never jealous, never aggressive, never call her names, never raise my voice, and have always treated her with admiration, patience, understanding, respect and lots of support. She won’t consider the idea that she herself is responsible for much of her suffering because she chose repeatedly to investigate me, denies that what she did was a violation not only for me but for my friends and family, acts extremely defensively whenever I try to make her understand that what she did was unacceptable, always comparing and claiming that what I did was so much worse and blaming me for making her investigate me. She doesn’t understand that if one violates the privacy of their partner and reads their private messages, that it’s inevitable that one will find things that they don’t like, things that can easily be taken out of context, or things that can easily be misunderstood… especially with the language barrier and in this case her imperfect comprehension of English. Now she can’t control herself, and has even gone as far as to look at the pages of my friends on Facebook in order to revise my activity. She’s extremely unhealthily jealous over all of my normal female friends… on five occasions I’ve had to ask different female friends to write to her and assure her that we are only normal friends and that everyone knows I’m only dedicated to her. She tells me that she hates most of my friends because of things she read in my private conversations, demands to know what I’m saying about her and what my friends are saying to me about her, and is very hot and cold… she can change between being extremely loving and kind to being extremely negative and angry, and she’s always had a short temper and has always been impatient and impulsive. Small things that aren’t worth it or issues that pop into her mind from the ancient past will make her blow up at me, and then she gets angrier at me and blames me for either not making her calm down, continuing with the conversation that she starts, or completely disengaging and walking away until she gets over it. She consistently makes outrageous accusations such as I treat all my normal female friends like I treat her, that I really want to be with false, plastic women, that I’m extremely perverted because in the past I went to some strip clubs with friends and I have pornography on my computer, and that if I really loved her I would have never felt the need to chat with male friends about other women in general. She also claimed that if I really loved her I would give her access to my Facebook so that she can check up on me to make sure “I’m behaving”. A month ago she said she would only be with me if I would give her access to my private messages whenever she asks. Now she’s just looking for excuses to continue to feed her mistrust and berate me… anything from me having put “like” on photos of normal female friends a long time ago to commentary from some of my friends which supports me but is non-flattering to her. She also says that if I really loved her I would defend her to my friends and challenge my friends over their opinions, but I believe that everyone is entitled to their own opinion and if I don’t agree, I simply ignore it. She’s extremely rancorous and can’t let go of this grudge about the things she read that I wrote a really long time ago, and has been ignoring all the extremely kind things I’ve done for her since writing those messages. Now she says she doesn’t trust me in spite of all my apologies and promises that I’m completely dedicated to her and many great things I do for her, while still not taking responsibility for her own mistakes. She’s obviously very controlling, possessive, and has low self-esteem… her last boyfriend cheated on her a lot and her father cheated on her mother and had a baby with another woman out of wedlock… and this happened several months after she and I began our relationship. I know that what she’s doing isn’t right but I feel trapped by how much I love her and my memories of all the amazing things we shared and my hopes for a future with her, and she’s managed to irrationally convince me that everything is my fault so I feel extremely repentant and guilty. She’s terminated the relationship maybe 6 times and I always have to apologize profusely and make promises to not repeat errors that she imagines me making. What can I do or say to improve the situation? I’ve tried everything… we’re currently in couple’s therapy.

  • Josh M.

    Josh M.

    April 18th, 2016 at 4:45 AM

    I’m having the same problem. I told my girlfriend of 4 years so far that I won’t be at camp this summer because it’s too expensive. And there’s this kid who goes to our camp who we can’t put up with and she said I’m not going to let her face him alone. The camp like I said has gotten pricy and I can’t afford it now. Should I stay or should I go?

    Stunned

  • Marxwade

    Marxwade

    May 10th, 2016 at 10:08 AM

    I’m here because your situation sounds almost exactly like mine. After 4 years and many reassuring speeches to her, I had to dump her last night. My only spare time other than work, gym, meditation, was with her. I never cheated on her. For the life of me I could not understand why she was like that. I soon found out 2 things. One being, her ex cheated on her, and the other thing was that she was actually cheating on me, and projecting her guilt on me. Bro, don’t be a sucker..don’t get played like a fool

  • Sarah

    Sarah

    May 22nd, 2016 at 12:58 PM

    My boyfriend and I are currently going throw the same issues. I have done wrong In the past, ended up going out and cheating on two years ago. He is the man I have been with for four years. Who I love, and who is someone I couldn’t live without We stay in a small garage that is made into a small room together. Nither of us have jobs and are very capable of getting one. He seems claims thats I don’t care about his feelings or understand what its like to go throw what he has been through. John does not trust me walking twenty feet out the door to talk to someone, Text, call, or leave with anyone. I have told john multiple times that it will not happen again. But, I continue to just keep leaving the house to avoid drama with him . I have always been with him since day one with or without money. I have bent over backwards to support our wants and needs and I hassle for couple the money and double the time with my clients. clients seem to fall attached to me after three days of talking to each other. Then, start texting me perverted text messages. Then, not shortly afterwards they seem to always want to call me there girlfriend when I get all these people to let me clean there homes for money. He know has a big trust issue with me, calls me names, and emotionaly, physically,verbally. I have t ired my hardest to make ends meet and do everything I could to avoid arguments and fights with him. So my question? What if someone thinks you have done so much wrong in a relationship and can’t trust anything you do? What’s next to do?

  • Tz

    Tz

    June 28th, 2016 at 1:43 PM

    Before you blame every little thing on her, perhaps ask yourself, did you contribute to her “controlling” and “crazy” behaviour? My ex made me feel like I was totally worthless, it got to the point where I would get mad if he wanted to go grab lunch with his coworkers because I caught him lying so many times. I ended up leaving him, and found out he was cheating on me with the co-worker he would grab lunch with and such. Good riddance, I am glad I made his life a living hell near the end, I had a gut feeling that he was cheating because nothing he said made sense.
    Anyway, you should analyse your situation in an honest manner, and if she is truly just so insecure, then go find someone better.
    Good luck.

  • Like

    Like

    July 14th, 2016 at 9:51 AM

    You allowed your ex to make you feel worthless and insecure. You control your life, you’re the only one who has total and complete power of you.

  • dolphin girl

    dolphin girl

    August 22nd, 2016 at 1:00 AM

    Hei there. I am in an LDR for 3 years. We havent met yet but I feel already too deep for him. Last year i found him cheated on me. So before being in relationship with, he’s already in relationship with a woman and they re also in LDR and havent met yet. That i came to his life, he said he felt loved by me and he couldnt bear to let me know that he was in relationship that time. I was the one who got interested on him. Finally he decided to take me as his gf too while in other hand he’s also inr elationshipw ith that woman. Once i found out of that and i was sooooo broken. But here we are now still in relationship after I accepted him back and gave him second chance. But my life feels so much fear that he will do it again, that he will contact that woman again and that i will feel again the worst feeling i have ever had, to be cheated on. Anytime i see him not giving full attention on me, i would start attacking him with words, asking him if he is getting bored of me, if he wanting to change me, if he is now falling in love with a female friend who is used to talk to him everyday. It often happens but after i would feel ok again and trying to understand him. But it happens continuously. Until today he said that doctor saying he has a heart problem and he said its me who caused him with my attacks. It hurts me. i dont want him to be sick and i dontw ant to cause him bad things. I love him but later the fears will attack me again and it will makes me feel insecure and will start again attacking him with bad words. Anyone could help me? I dont want him to get sick because of me and i want to get this feeling enough.

  • Kain

    Kain

    August 25th, 2016 at 7:43 AM

    Hi Good Therapy Team and everyone else. I’m in a bit of an emotional pickle right now with my girlfriend. She’s broken up with me literally about a dozen times in the past two months just to make up later in the day or the next day. She says I’m untrustworthy, I’m lazy, addicted to the internet, letting my relationship with her suffer, that I fantasize about other girls and that I don’t make her happy. I have never cheated on her, I have no intention of ever doing that to her or anyone ever as I was cheated on and it broke my heart – I don’t want to put that pain out there on anyone else having experienced it firsthand myself. I am not a lazy person, I am physically active and have cycled over 500 miles this year, I swim all the time, am always getting us groceries and taking our dog out for walks multiple times a day (which she almost never does at all) and I’ve been happy and gone to every single family function she’s asked me to go to. We’ve gone to big festivals, gone camping, have cycled through Spain together and have generally, at least I thought, had a good time together. But there is literally nothing I can seem to do to make things right with her. She blames me for everything and I mean everything. The apartment wasn’t cleaned up but she did next to nothing to clean it, I cleaned it. She gets migraines and wants the curtains put up in this apartment but hasn’t lifted a finger to do any of it – just keeps saying that I haven’t done anything to show her I care about her. She constantly is asking me if I am thinking about other women because I said that I fantasized about a threesome when we were having sex one time. I feel trapped and like I have to walk on eggshells with her all the time. She says that I am the only one doing things wrong in this relationship and that she hasn’t done anything wrong ever so of course I feel like the bad guy which just doesn’t seem like a workable relationship dynamic to me. I just feel lost here and I’m stuck with her here in Toronto, where she’s from, for the next 6 damn days until our flight can bring us back home to California, where I’m from. I just want to go home. She’s suceeded in making me feel like I’m selfish, like I’m arrogant, that I’m childish, that I’m a jerk – and I have never said any of these types of things to her. She swears and yells at me and has hit me before and I’m just over it. What do I do? The strange thing is I like being held by her and I like holding her and when we work, it makes me really pretty happy. I feel like I don’t want to lose that dynamic but this other stuff is just awful to deal with. Thanks for your thoughts and advice.

  • Fog

    Fog

    August 27th, 2016 at 10:39 AM

    I did cheat on my now X girlfriend – In fact i created a complex love triangle so cheated on two women and swopped back and forth numerous times until the fibre of both relationships was extremely worn . but I did settle into trying to make amends and build trust with just one . I can say it was the most unhappiest relationship of my life as I could see there was much I was responsible for but there was also deep underlying issues of abandonment mistrust insecurity and jealously . But it was hard to untangle how much I was responsible for . Either way I went out of my way to show my love for her . But I could never shake off the guilty until proven innocent -it didn’t improve and I became emotionally I’ll and unrecognised for the best of me that just could not really ever be trusted or accepted as ‘real’.

  • Ripper

    Ripper

    November 2nd, 2016 at 8:45 AM

    I was with my ex for 2 years. During most of that time she was overwhelmingly needy and controlling. It started with her asking me when I would be home, then where I was going anytime I left the house. Eventually it got to the stage where she would regularly check my phone, interrogate me any time I wanted to do anything without her and I would have to plan any social event 2 weeks in advance, to come back to frowns all round afterwards. She would argue with me over silly things and accuse me of everything under the sun.
    I ended up cheating on her a couple of times (something I wasn’t proud of but I thought, if she doesn’t trust me either way) simply as an act of rebellion. The thrill excited me.
    Eventually, the last time I cheated on her I knew something was really wrong so ended it.
    Out came the waterworks, telling me she could change but I didn’t buy it. I told her multiple times I didn’t like her jealousy but she never listened.
    Since then, I met a new girlfriend who respects me and trusts me enough to do all the things I enjoy (and I’ve never felt a need to cheat on her!)

  • GrabAFork

    GrabAFork

    November 10th, 2016 at 11:26 AM

    I have a similar story to tell. I have been with my gf for almost 3 years now, and we have the same recurring arguments pretty much from day one. I will admit that I was not perfect at the beginning of our relationship, but truth be told, she made me see the errors in my ways and I vowed to myself and her to never do it again. What I had done was exchange a flirt message with a girl that I had met a few months before being official with my current gf. That was in the first 3 months of our relationship. So I learned from my mistake, manned up, and quit doing stupid shit that a loving and caring bf should not do. That was 2 years and 9 months ago…. From that point on I bent over backwards for her, texting my every move, letting her access my fb, email, and I even offered to put a tracking app on my phone so she could watch my every movement (which she took full advantage of). Eventually that all stuff went away and I thought thing were going well, I was starting to actually see a bright and promising future. We moved into our own place together (that i completely paid for myself) to start fresh and live happily ever blah blah blah. Mind you I have not done anything since that first incident to give my partner any valid reason to accuse me of cheating, talking to other girls, etc. Well, one day my gf gets home from work and accuses me of sleeping with a girl in our bed because she saw the water stain on the bed; from me spilling water on the fucking bed 5 min before she got home! Simple right? No, she said it looked like a “love stain” and continued to make horrible remarks and accusations, literally from out of nowhere, about me sleeping with a girl in our own bed. She claims she was messing with me, but there was no smile, no laughter, no “im joking”. Just cold, cryptic, words as if she was trying to scare the false truth out of me or something. Anyway, who jokes about that kind of stuff and in that manner with your partner?? Anyways that was my breaking point and I told her I was done, so she packed her sh*t, broke some of my sh*t, and left. It was a happy week for me after that. Then I got lonely in my newly empty apartment and I caved in and asked for her back, which of course she did take me back. That was a year ago. Since then I get constant accusations, the whole 20 questions everyday I come home, she has to always question me when i do something new (my interests change a lot lol), she swears she is always smelling perfume on me when i get home from work, which is fucking asinine because some days i forget to wear deodorant even. I am afraid to ask if I can go do something alone (i am an introverted person, I get pleasure from spending time alone) , I have cut off all communication with my friends because i am afraid of how she will react. I am no longer best friends with my ex best friend of 4 years because of her controlling nature. I feel like I have to include her into every single part of my life or she will start feeling insecure. I’m trapped. The only thing keeping me going is that she has the two greatest kids in the world that have completely taken a hold of my heart and it would break mine if I could no longer be in their life. They call me Dad now and I dont want to be that Dad that walks away on his kids. They are not mine biologically but that doesnt matter to me I love them. I love my gf too but I dont know how much longer I can endure her insecurities, it drags me down and it makes it harder for me to be my true self around her. Its like im walking on eggshells. I am actually afraid to tell her certain thing because I am afraid of how she will react.

  • Rubicon 9

    Rubicon 9

    February 28th, 2017 at 3:30 AM

    Hi all.
    I am not proud of it, but I began to have an affair over two years ago. I loved this girl as a friend, and said I didn’t think it was right to get into an affair. But things are what they are, no excuses. She told me she didn’t feel bad about having an affair with me, because her highly successful husband, (who was different, and would accept our affair), had had an affair on her, some years earlier, but she’d only recently found out the truth about it. Anyway, about 6 weeks into the somewhat incorrect relationship, we were on, what I thought was a romantic walk, when, out of the blue; just like that, she asked whilst voice and face displayed alarming angst, “who are you seeing?”
    ” Excuse me” I replied, wondering what an earth was going on. Now her voice becoming angrier that I had experienced, to date
    ” Come on Al, don’t play that with me!……!!!’ It wasn’t long before her usually euphonious audible expression, had morphed into a shrill panicky fever pitched tirade of accusation. “Come on”, she screeched, “my phone has somehow linked to yours and its been showing me that you are going to the same address every friday and have been for the past two months!”
    So, when I defended myself by yelling at her “what the fuck!?”, she didn’t look to far off a physical outburst. “Come on”,she asked screaming now, ” who are you seeing OK, who do you know then ….” In a smart arse kind of tone” come on, come on…:. “So I shouted now, as I had no fucking Idea what the hell she was on about, But she’d somehow got me panicked. The first name that came to mind was my good friend Ing. My really good friend, also, like my girlfriend, a kind person. I had met her along with 2 others, a male and female, since moving to New Zealand 4 years before. She worked part time in a cafe, just down the road from the supposed address where my girlfriend had inadvertently been tracking me on her Iphone. incidentally, I had a Samsung s3.
    “Ing”, I shouted
    ‘ Oh, I know Ing”, she scorned, aggressively and looking like she had hit some sort of jackpot whilst trying to regain some of her lost temper. In my now fever-pitched retort, I reeled off a few other names of friends or simply people I knew that I could think of, but it would soon be revealed, the first name I gave, was going to be the one that would stick up till the end of time.
    ” Take me to this fucking address then”, I said. I was seething and in deep shock at what was actually happening here! I loved this girl; she was going to be my new everything!
    My girlfriend didn’t know Ing at all.
    We got back to the car. I was more angry than I had ever felt. I drove like a man possessed to the address that my phone had been showing on hers. I got out of the car and marched thunderously upto the door of a house I had never ever been to in my life. She was in quick pursuit; eager, i imagined, to see who would come to the door. I knocked on the door furiously. No one was home! She began to realize that by my reaction, coupled with my willingness to screech up the drive and bang on the door; there was no woman. No woman at all. This ‘invisible’ woman came up regularly in the arguments that would ensue forthwith!
    I explained to my seemingly calmer,yet unapologetic girlfriend, who seemed kind of disappointed not to discover the creations of her fantasy. So, in a few days, the first name that she had panicked me to blurt out, came up “I saw Ing today; nice girl she said, her eyes darting around like a hungry predator fish, searching for anything . Having had someone with these traits before but on a much lesser scale, my eyes had learnt to say nothing .however, I was happy to explain that four of us regularly used to hang out on the North Shore.
    Not working at all, and after sending the kids off to school, my affairee made it her business to visit that cafe and she managed to become acquainted with and subsequently, but short lived, friends with Ing. They made plans for us all to meet at the beach one day, and I was happy because I realized perhaps things were going to be great again. Ing would bring her boyfriend and other friends to the beach and bbq that would take place afterwards at my place. Well, you might be guessing it, at my place, I sat down and began to talk to Ing as I hadn’t seen her for months. We had a lot to catch up on. Ing is a beatiful person and is very pretty. We would have a healthy king of flirting when I saw her occasionally in the town or in the cafe. Nothing sexual; nothing suggestive. I had to push my friendship underground and wouldn’t say if Id seen Ing, which was usually by bumping into her. Even if that happened, I would feel guilty. So, my girlfriend quickly made her excuses at the bbq and went home. I thought it may have been to relieve the babysitter or some such, but oh no, she was in a jealous rage and couldn’t cope, I learnt heavily a few days later when she accused me of sitting straight down next to Ing. I remember feeling WTF???
    And so, the erosion of my normal, healthy relationship, with, my now erstwhile friend, began. I could go on and on, there were others too who had to be destroyed, but, until I reached my final rubicon, just the other day, she has been constantly accusing me of seeing, texting, sending and receiving ‘likes’ on facebook and all the rest of it. I actually hadn’t communicated in any way with Ing or an ex for months because I had been forced to drop them as a friends and felt resentful at being such a weedy jerk. I had let my girlfriend make me demolish and eventually destroy 2 sound friendships because she was making me think it was my fault that she was feeling insecure. Her favourite sentence was ‘ you don’t make me feel safe’ She even put me on anti anxiety pills so my resentment wouldn’t be felt so much; mainly by herself I imagine. She kept asking if I’d taken my pill and insisted I would need to stay on them for at least 6 months. “my friend has been on them for two years, she stopped but she has had to go back on them!”. I stopped the meds and I woke the fuck up! I did those unforgivable things to my good friends because I thought the story might end like that of Isaac in the old testament, where God tested the father to kill his beloved son… But God stopped the father sticking in the knife at the last minute as the father had shown his love for God by being prepared to actually do the dreadful deed…. Well would you believe it, not only did that not happen, but the accusations became worse and more bizzare. Even when she couldn’t find any signs on my phone or other sources of potential information, she would still believe I was seeing or texting them; even since I had clearly severed all ties. As if they would now be interested in speaking to me now.

    All I can say to anyone is, as much as you love and truly care for someone, someone that damaged would need to accept they have a problem and spend a lot of time in therapy. In my case, I have realized now I should have bailed at the start when she was accusing me of seeing the non-existent, invisible woman!

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