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My Girlfriend’s Depression Is Bringing Me Down. I Feel Helpless!

My Girlfriend’s Depression Is Bringing Me Down. I Feel Helpless!

My girlfriend has been depressed for a number of years, unable to shake feelings of sadness and hopelessness that carry over into almost every aspect of our life together. I do everything I can to help her, but I feel like I'm just propping her up, and despite the medications she's taking she doesn't seem to ever improve. I want so much to help her, but I feel like I have nothing else to give. It's to the point where her depression is dragging me down with her, though I would never say that to her. I feel as much like a caretaker as I do a boyfriend. I have thought about leaving, but I'm afraid it would devastate her, and I truthfully don't know that she would survive it. Am I codependent? What's my issue, and what steps can or should I take that would help both her and me? —Dragged Down
Dear Dragged Down,

It sounds like you have been a tremendous source of love, strength, and support for your girlfriend in her battle with depression. That takes incredible patience and compassion, but it can also take a toll on you. In cases of chronic depression, it is very common for partners to begin to feel more like caretakers than anything else. Very often, when one takes on the role of caretaker, it becomes such a consuming task that the caretaker loses touch with himself/herself. It’s a positive sign that you seem to have a solid sense not only of where she is, but also where you are. It also seems like you have come to the realization that this situation is not sustainable and that something must change. So the question, as you insightfully pose, is where do you go from here?

You’ve asked some really important questions about yourself: “Am I codependent?” “What’s my issue?” “What steps can or should I take?” These questions are as important as they are complicated. I strongly encourage you to begin your own therapy. Developing a strong therapeutic relationship with a clinician will afford you a much-needed opportunity to focus on yourself. You’ve managed to take care of your girlfriend and remain connected enough to yourself to come up with these questions. A trusted therapist will help you thoroughly explore these questions, develop insights, and create and implement a plan of action. You might also want to look for a caretakers’ support group. The burden on caretakers is significant, and there is great therapeutic value in realizing you are not alone. You’ve been shouldering a significant burden on your own for years; it sounds like you are ready to let someone help you carry the load.

You mention that your girlfriend’s medication does not seem to be helping her. The specific mention of medication but not therapy makes me wonder whether your girlfriend is in therapy. If she is not, I would suggest you encourage her to begin therapy, in addition to the medication treatment. Medication treats symptoms, but it doesn’t address all of the problems that often underlie depression. In order for her to have a chance at any kind of substantive change and lasting relief, she needs to be working on these issues in therapy. Also, it is very important that a psychiatrist, and not a general practitioner, be managing her medication. Psychiatrists are the experts in the medical treatment of depression, and they will be able to provide better care than a general practitioner.

Also, if her depression has lasted for years with no improvement, it might be time to look at changing the treatment plan. This could mean adding individual and/or group therapy to her treatment regimen, trying a new therapeutic approach, or making a change to her medication. Consider suggesting that she talk about these possibilities with her psychiatrist and therapist (if she has one). If, after years of treatment, she isn’t getting any better, something probably needs to change. Your girlfriend should know that she has the right to be an active participant in her treatment plan and to discuss changes to this plan with her clinicians.

You took a leap when you wrote in with your question. I hope you will take another one and find some support for yourself. This is a painful, complicated issue, and you deserve to have support as you work on figuring out what is best for you.

Respectfully,
Sarah

Sarah Noel

Sarah Noel, MS, LMHC is a licensed psychotherapist living and working in Brooklyn, New York. She specializes in working with people who are struggling through depression, anxiety, trauma, and major life transitions. She approaches her work from a person-centered perspective, always acknowledging the people she works with as experts on themselves. She is honored and humbled on a daily basis to be able to partner with people at such critical points in their unique journeys.

79 comments
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brandi
August 16th, 2013 at 11:59 PM
it takes a lot of courag and resolve to stick around and be supportive to your partner and you’ve done that.kudos to that.please see that you have been strong and supportive for so long so you cannot think you will break.be confident and seek better outlets.therapy can help in a major way as I have seen.all the best.

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tally
August 17th, 2013 at 5:29 AM
I know that you wnat to help but it doesn’t really sound like you are getting the things that you need out of this sort of relationship anymore. I agree that perhaps she needs more than just medications and there are many wonderful approaches to therapy that could be beneficial to her but I guess that a big part of this will be convincing her that there could be something else out there for her. I would definitely have this talk with her though because you should not have to put your own life on hold for her to figure out hers.

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NT
August 18th, 2013 at 8:32 PM
You sound like a great boyfriend supporting her an everything.But where us your relationship right now?I mean,have you become just a caretaker for her,a shoulder to cry on?Or have you guys maintained your relationship to a good enough level so far?This is very important because what happens once she gets over her depression depends a lot on this.If she only sees you like a caretaker,there isn’t much of a role for you to play when she does conquer her depression!Please reflect on this and sort things out.I know how it feels to stand by someone and then be abandoned by that same person.I would hate for that to happen to anybody else,especially to someone who has been as supportive as you’ve been!

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Dunc
July 16th, 2016 at 5:42 AM
What you have to realise is that she didn’t chose to become depressed so to have a partner in this situation is devastating, you can’t be angry and leave her because she’s done nothing wrong, she still loves you as much as you love her and I promise she feels a million times worse when she has an outburst than you do. Just stay focused on your ultimate goal with her and never lose site of how she was before depression. Your love will develop as you both learn (with help) how to manage your feelings and you’ll both be closer having supported one another through this difficult process

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Sam
November 11th, 2016 at 3:56 AM
July 16th, 2016 at 5:42 AM
What you have to realise is that she didn’t chose to become depressed so to have a partner in this situation is devastating, you can’t be angry and leave her because she’s done nothing wrong, she still loves you as much as you love her and I promise she feels a million times worse when she has an outburst than you do. Just stay focused on your ultimate goal with her and never lose site of how she was before depression. Your love will develop as you both learn (with help) how to manage your feelings and you’ll both be closer having supported one another through this difficult process

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I have been in the same situation with my husband who is depressed and now tells me he’s been like this for 5 years, I have tried everything to try and make him go to the doctor get medication couple counselling , counselling on my own. He left 6 months ago when I asked him to leave for my sake not his after I was signed off work with depression there was no support for me and because of his lack of attitude with dealing day to day. He has put me last every time. Can still manage to go to pool every Tuesday night til 2am. I still see him he wrote 2 suicide notes to me and his dad ( when I asked him to leave) and produced them for me to read. He is also seeing a psychiatrist who has advised he doesn’t work I am doing 3 jobs to pay for my divorce as he is going to go bankrupt with his business =- because he couldn’t face going in to work except at lunch time. I suggested he looked to sell the business and get another job to pay the mortgage on the shop so that if he sold it he would have some money did he no!!!… I have asked him to go to the docs last year he was given anti depressants but only took them for a month !!!!
You say that they don’t chose to become depressed – no they don’t but they can choose to help themselves. I am now self harming and am depressed myself and still having to work 3 jobs I am now going to see a Councillor I can ill afford and I have no one to say don’t go to work I will look after you.
She will feel a million times worse than you – what about how the other side feel and how they can’t cope but just have to sit and wait for them to snap out of by the time they snap out of it they could be going to their partners funeral or word they wont be able to then look after their partner. Things are never as simple as you think. They take all the goodness from you and leave you with nothing but sadness and depression.
Wizard
August 28th, 2019 at 7:03 AM
You create your own reality. If you think you’re a piece of poop, you’re going to think others think that way too. Being active/yoga, eating healthy and drinking lots of water can help a lot a lot. If that person still doesn’t change then it may be time to leave. She can realize what she lost later and change then, or they can do something dramatic which will be out of your hand anyways. Imagine if you stay another couple years, get married, have children, then that person does the unspeakable after that? It would be way worse, and if you leave, then the relationship wouldn’t be as big of a crutch and she and you can move on and grow. I’m not saying what will happen, only what very possibly can. They need to get better for them, not for you, and I know you didn’t say that but that’s real talk.
John
May 2nd, 2017 at 6:14 PM
Sam is just absolute right, I’ve been with the same girlfriend for 8 years, helping her to cope with her anxiety and depression, which are not mild, in return I became a cranky, fearful and highly depressed individual, as soon as she moved in with me the symptoms became severe and everything was somehow my fault, even though we always lived under my expense (before at my parents, now at a house that i pay for literally everything) she’s not willing to work or do anything, she always finds an excuse why something won’t work out (she has a doctor’s degree, and she can do a lot of things with that particular degree she simply refuses to always citing some excuse about how it’s never going to work).
Now don’t get me wrong, I get she’s depressed and I feel for her, but I used to never have outbursts in my relationship period, and by now, 8 years in, the only way to make her stop taking all of her aggressive-depression(not that she’d get violent, but yell on the most absurd things)/anxieties on me is to stoop down to her level and shout back, which then makes me feel like a jerk, she (almost) never say sorry, and for everytime she yells at me, somehow at the end I have to apologize or she’ll frown at me forever (claiming everything is fine, but obviously is it)
I’m getting sick and tired of this relationship and after reading your comment Sam I decided to leave her.. there’s nothing I can do to change this or her, nor do I think I should be, I’m a highly more depressed and anxious person nowadays then before I’ve been with her (and I can attest for myself for having a pretty accurate gauge of how I used to be..)
I don’t mind being a caretaker.. but it has to be for someone who also cares about me.

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Moby
January 28th, 2019 at 9:16 AM
I hope you found your way out and ability to stay out.
Bonnie S
August 19th, 2013 at 5:44 AM
The one thing that I would ask that you do before making any kind of rash decision is to think about this- if you know how helpless you feel, can you imagine how helpless she feels too?

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what
June 21st, 2016 at 3:57 PM
Don’t see how that would help at all… f%cked either way

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James
August 20th, 2013 at 5:50 AM
Your girlfriend needs help and support but so do you. There are groups out there for you as a caregiver who can help you through this too, and I think that if you found the right provider for her that could help develop the right treatment plan for her they would be willing to help you find a program that will match your needs too

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James
April 23rd, 2014 at 3:41 PM
Move on with your life. It is your life too. Some people need to just help themselves. I am going through the same. My girlfriend has been depressed for 3 years. Therapy and meds nothing will work. I can’t stay wit her anymore. It drives me nuts when she sleeps all day. I am essentially a caretaker now. She has to take control of her own mind if she ever wants to get better.

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R
November 9th, 2016 at 7:33 AM
Exactly. There has to be a time limit of when to say enough is enough. It’s one thing to be committed to someone and another to keep trying only to see they themselves keep failing back into the same pattern. Do they really want help? Are they really trying to help themselves? Or are they falling back into a state where they feel they are most comfortable. The yoyo effect lasts only so long and some people need to realize if people won’t do something to help themselves there is nothing in this world you can do about it. You have two choices. First, try and make an attempt to be supportive. Learn how to be supportive if need be and get counseling yourself. Second, if nothing changes over time let it go. You will only drag yourself down in the end. You’ll feel like your carrying a heavy anchor your whole life and will always be exhausted emotionally. You deserve to be happy as well.

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P86
August 4th, 2014 at 3:49 PM
I was in the same situation the past three and a half years. I took on too much. It drove me to breakdown myself. I completely changed from confident cheeky fit guy to someones whose fat, very low self esteem and broken. We were engaged. One day she wanted to elope Bcos she feared the crowd at our wedding and the next day she just broke it off completely with no reasons. I tried the whole counselling route n psychiatrist with her. Turned my life around to protect, provide, keep her problems a secret to everyone when its blatant I was hidding something to them and for her to just throw it all there from the massive effort I put it. Its gut wrenching. You need to ask is that what you want for the rest of your life. Its a selfish decision either way. Sorry if I sound morbid but its devastating.

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Andy
August 24th, 2014 at 3:58 PM
I agree,lately all this summer my “girlfriend” has been constantly depressed because of her ex,her and her ex recently started talking as friends and he keeps hurting her and its bringing her mood down,and she tells me everything that happens. It pisses me off. I told her to leave him if he keeps bring her down. But she keeps going back to him for friendship,what the eff am I for her now? And in one point of last month,she gave me a talk about how love is stupid and its just a distraction and that it doesn’t last forever. So what am I to her now?? When I asked her if she wanted to go get some food, ice cream the mall,she said no for so many reasons. 1 she’s too lazy 2 her parents don’t let her. Buy she apparently can go on a day out with her ex to hang out behind her parents back.s he can’t even do that for me?? She hates it when I get an attitude then why does she make me get into this attitude? I tried to break up with her but,she couldn’t let me ago, how can’t she,she’s been saying “we’re drifting apart” “we’re nothing” “you don’t care about me” just stop it.and now she’s depressed,or think she is, and I’m the one getting all the thoughts all the sadness. I used to be able to help her cheer up and have a good time with her whenever she was sad but now,I can’t do anything without getting an attitude from her or saying something stupid.

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Jason
April 8th, 2015 at 8:03 AM
Dude,
She clearly doesn’t love you like one should love another person. If she did you would know. The ex shouldn’t even be in the equation. If she needs the ex in her life she doesn’t need you, she just wants you.
Step down, it’ll make both of you happier long term.
Tell her it’s either you or the ex, no friendships either.
She’ll probably choose you at first but then once she goes back to try and be ‘friends’ with the ex, end that shit. Break up. She’s most likely cheating already, I mean think about their history as if the ex hasn’t tried to make a move on her. The fact that she’s still hanging around him enforces that they’ve cheated.

Still, it’s all your decision.
Good luck and remember the love bit.
Peace

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Andy
August 24th, 2014 at 3:59 PM
In other words man if you can’t make a difference with ger,and just using you for attention move on

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LEONIDAS
October 17th, 2014 at 1:55 PM
DUMP THE SAD GIRL OTHERWISE SHE WILL DRAG YOU DOWN. WE ARE ALL A PRODUCT OF OUR ENVIRONMENTS. SO IF YOU HANG AROUND PEOPLE LIKE THIS YOU WILL TAKE ON THEIR THINKING AND HABITS MAKE NO MISTAKE ABOUT IT. THAT IS PROVEN IN PSYCHOLOGY.

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AG
November 12th, 2014 at 12:07 AM
P86,

I am moved by how exactly you also spoke for myself… Wish we could go for a beer. Head up, somewhere we still exist and can grow back to be ourselves. A

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Banis
December 13th, 2014 at 10:32 AM
I have been through many websites reading about relationship breakdowns when a partner is depressed and the most common thing is how the non depressed partner is feeling totally drained and feel their life has gone down hill leading them down the road to depression.
My suggestion is start having a quality of life before it is to late , love is wonderful when it is growing but it can be hell if it is one sided.
I had a 3 month relationship with a depressed woman and it was comparable to a roller coaster ride at Disney land ups and downs it was beyond this world everything was my fault problems was created and misery was the icing on the cake.
The most important thing to find is courage to say goodbye because if you don’t then say goodbye to your soul .
These people are emotionally selfish they may not do it on purpose but they will take away everything that defines you and then you will be a empty shell .

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micheal
August 15th, 2015 at 7:35 AM
I experience the exact same thing you are talking about with my girlfriend for one year. I almost lost my identity and values. It was new to me and i didn’t know exactly how depressed people behave. Everything i could say would create a problem and everything was my fault. She used to threaten me and say i am depressed & mad. My advice to anyone going through this with a depressed person is just call it off and move on. Nothing you can do to help. Life is too short to waste time and energy on depressed people.

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Anon
December 16th, 2014 at 5:09 PM
I have been with my girlfriend long distance for over a year now. Before the depression she was great, and we saw each other very often. In the beginning of her depression I was able to make her feel better, but it was due to talking to her almost every waking hour in some form, and I would constantly have to reassure her that everything was alright. Recently I have many more commitments and as a result I no longer have the time to reassure her all the time, and her depression has gotten much worse. A few months ago she began self harming, and I apparently did something to upset her and she started talking about how she was going to commit suicide because of it. The way this went down was that I got very worried and stayed up all night trying to stop her, and since then it has happened multiple times. She talks about it so much now that I don’t even get shocked anymore. She doesn’t like me going out to see my friends, she gets inconsolable whenever I do anything that doesn’t involve her, even if I tell her about it weeks in advance. If I go out without my phone I will find I have around 20-30 messages when I get back all telling me how selfish I am for ignoring her. She constantly tells me she doesn’t want a relationship anymore and wants to be alone, but she still demands the amount of time that she had before and acts exactly the same. The couple times I have plucked up the courage to leave she has done drastic forms of self harm. I am afraid that if I leave she will kill herself, she is completely obsessed with me and I can’t escape. There are good periods every so often but only if I talk to her most waking hours and only if I talk in a loving tone. If I talk in a neutral tone or raise my voice even slightly she says I am scary and becomes inconsolable. I feel trapped. Even though we are long distance, I am finding it impossible to go on, and as I am at university, if I keep this up my grades are going to slip. I only have time to look at primary materials and not much more, and sometimes I wait until she has gone to sleep so I can read in peace. I like my lectures because I feel like I have room to breathe since there is no internet connection in the lecture theaters. Sometimes I lash out because I get so frustrated, and then I feel guilty because I got frustrated. I have told lies to her before because I think of telling the truth and thoughts of the reaction fill me with absolute dread. I love her, but I can’t go on like this, sometimes I want to escape, but I can’t.

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Tom
January 5th, 2015 at 1:18 AM
Wow. Your story is pretty much identical to mine. Long distance, depressed girlfriend, university, feeling trapped, spending too much time and sacrificing too many things for the happiness of the other person in the relationship. And that’s happiness isn’t even happiness half the time, its just a “less bad” mood. Driving me to the point where my own happiness is at an all time low. I’ve never been so stressed and sad and angry my whole life.

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Jason
April 8th, 2015 at 7:55 AM
Look man it’s getting to the point where you’re gunna have to tell some form of authority, whether it be the police or something else either way, she’s gunna bring you down if nothing changes and you’ll become just like her in a flash. And that’s when shit will get unbearable for the two of you.

So tell someone, it won’t just save her life, but also yours. Obviously it isn’t making her any happier as things are.. So both of you can benefit.

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Nate
August 24th, 2015 at 3:48 PM
Wow. This is verbatim my situation. Its been 8 months and I’m already afraid of how she might self destruct if I tried to end the relationship. She talks like I’m the only good thing in her life and I believe she truly feels that way. She has a comfortable home life but is in a constant state of conflict with her parents because of how she is ‘treated’.. Namely them trying to get her out on her own after graduating and trying to find a job. She is in a constant state of ‘less sad’ at the best of times. I’ve tried to think of ways to break it off that won’t make her hate herself, like saying I’m gay or having friends pose as drug dealers and freak her out by having them threaten me when she’s around. It’s bad and I feel so trapped.

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Anon
October 31st, 2016 at 10:24 PM
Read the book “co-dependent no more”. You are an enabler when you take on others problems to the point where they become your own. It’s very common, but you must break the cycle. You are NOT responsible for the thoughts, feelings, or behaviors or others. The 3 C’s: You didn’t Cause it, you can’t Control it, you can’t Cure it. Get yourself some therapy to deal with the hurt and pain, then move on with your life. Being long-distance, you are actually BETTER OFF than if you were local! Once you are gone, she will find another enabler to take on her issues. Good Luck!!

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Charlotte
December 20th, 2014 at 4:10 PM
My boyfriend is like this, before I met him I was very depressed, self harmed, tried taking my own life but one day I met him I felt instantly happy I never felt this, however he left me for his ex girlfriend and I felt hopeless again. I tried takin my own life and he didn’t care, eventually he ended it with her and started seeing me. He would only talk and see me when he had nothing else to do but I was okay with that I was inlove with him. He never told me his true feelings for me until he asked me to be his proper girlfriend (of corse I said yes) the first 3 months was perfect, He treat me like a princess even though he was depressed he was lovely, under one condition, if I didn’t go see my friends and I didn’t drink alcohol. I agreed but this has left me with nothing to do, leaving my friends was a massive mistake! He started changing we had an argument one time and he cut all way from his wrist to his elbow, I couldn’t leave him I had to ditch my mam to see if he was okay before he went to work. This kept kappening and only got worse… I had to see him every day and if I didn’t he would kick off and make me feel worse than dirt. This really got to me, he is my first love! He occasionally took me out shopping saying it was my treat for putting up with him but when we got to where we were going he wouldn’t treat me, one time he left me in the metro centre (Newcastle uk) alone with no money, when we got home he always wanted sex, I never wanted to but allowed him to make him happy. His moods got worse, we have to do whatever he wants to do, I am too scared to loose him but I’ve already lost myself, I don’t recognise myself anymore I was once this girl who didn’t need anyone, kept everything to herself, let medication deal with my emotions now I sit and cry myself to sleep and feel so hopeless. Don’t worry you’re not alone!

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carlos
April 18th, 2015 at 2:24 AM
It is sad, my girlfriend has depression and hates to go out. She likes me to stay home with here all the time. Thats not me! Slowly Im staying more time at home. Every time we go out she freaks out. I dont know what to do, I want to go out and do stuff, cant be potato couch forever. I dont have depression, I want to have fun and be happy

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Jason
February 21st, 2015 at 8:33 AM
I found myself in a very similar situation. Over the past year I dated someone that was unbalanced and going through a significant life transition. She had many great traits and was amazing in some areas of the relationship which made it hard to think about ending the relationship when I thought I was getting so much out of it. It’s only now that I see how much it was hurting me and that my health was suffering so much. I let things change for the negative and even though my instinct knew something was wrong I stuck with it because I am loyal and felt love on a certain level that I thought was worth considering.

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likewise
February 26th, 2015 at 4:02 AM
Been experiencing something very similar in my relationship, I have been helping my girlfriend with her anxiety and depression for years as well and its been so long that often I feel down and hopeless too. She relies on me sitting down and talking sense to her, but I too feel like a caretaker, an older sibling or even a parent sometimes. Its created a weird dynamic in our relationship which has all but ruined our sex life. Also over the years I have cancelled so many plans with friends to take time to help her that I have lost contact and have become depressed myself about my loneliness. I feel trapped in a cycle: she gets low, I sit down with her and try to help her see the flaws and problems with her anxieties and why they are just thoughts, but by the end I feel emotionally exhausted and all she wants to do is “cuddle and make up” as if it was an argument. I am not sure if I’m still with her for love, for the codependency that has definitely developed or simply because I have been doing this so long I don’t know any different

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Bryce
April 6th, 2015 at 8:57 AM
I feel you bro.

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Gaz
March 14th, 2015 at 8:25 PM
I have almost the exact same problem. I have been dating my girlfriend for almost two years. I am a twenty year old student. Everything is my fault according to her. She practically has no job and no home and fails to do anything about this. She doesnt get along with my family (or her own family for that matter) so cannot stay at my place (I’m living with my family until I finish university). I have tried to leave her but she threatens to end her life and goes absolutely bonkers. She cannot afford therapy. I do not see a future with her but I get so torn up at the thought of leaving her to her depression and her situation

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Pat
March 22nd, 2015 at 10:02 AM
I’m in the exact same situation as you gaz. It’s hell and there’s a lot of doubt in your thoughts like ” is it my fault, I’m I the same, can I not make someone happy, am i insensitive. There’s a lot of pain in watching someone else you love give up on their own life, be unhappy about decisions they made and wonder why the relationship is falling apart when they’ve manipulated your emotions by hurting u, breaking up with you so many times and not having anything positive to say on any problem you or they have,together or singularly. Some times it’s okay but those are only the times when things are easy. My girlfriend has jealousy along with paranoia, anxiety, post traumatic stress disorder and some depression. I live with her in college and my exams have not been going well. Life is can be cruel, tough and deceiving. So it’s what you make of it. I have a battle on my hands, life has tried to tear me down before and I won’t let it just yet..’You choose to be happy’

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Jason
April 8th, 2015 at 8:05 AM
Woah that is one crazy situation both of you are dealing with. Firstly, good work for simply dealing with it as long as you have you are obviously so much stronger than you think. I get it, you’re both on the brink every second that goes by and it feels like that’s all there is and ever will be. But you’re so young and it’s not very obvious but so many people go through this at some point in their lives because life truly is pretty messed up. Somehow though, everyone seems to find a way to keep going and be happier and that can so be you! You’re so much less experienced and you know so much less than you think, I’m not saying that as a criticism at all, I’m sure you’ve been through more than I can imagine, but people have gone through this before and somehow got passed it to live their life for decades and decades. There is more to life than this, trust me. Next time you feel like this world is messed, go outside and try something new. Or sit down and plan something new to try. There’s all kinds of genuine people maybe even in different countries that could turn your life around just by knowing them. There are so ways people find happiness and you guys both just need to find yours and you need to know that one day.. You will. As long as your eyes are open.
Remember the love bit.
Peace

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Posi
April 12th, 2015 at 10:01 AM
Man, you guys are explaining my life. I’m fed up though. I just can’t take the angry outbursts then the crying then the woe is me attitude over every tiny event. I’m tired of being told that I don’t support her after 5 years of this abuse. I’m sick of having nothing in my life matter. I’m on anti depressants myself but evidently those are for the weak that can’t handle reality from her pointof view. I love her but I just think staying will be self destructive for me and just enabling to her. There was a point in my life when it was obvious I needed to address my depression which exposed itself as anger and I’ve been waiting 5 years for her to have the same epiphany

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Jen
April 27th, 2015 at 12:00 AM
My girlfriend and me have been together 8 months, we havent had regular sex in a month. She says its her medication but shes been on it since the age of 15 and shes 45 now, I’m 42 I knew I had a little depression here and there and a bit of self destructive I dont want to go to work kinda lazy crap going on. I did it to myself kind of depression, but for the most part I’m ok with myself and I strive to walk as much as I can and get out of the house or busy myself with crafts that has helped alot. But, my girlfriends depression and self loathing is disgusting. I’m more bummed cause were not having as much sex as I’d like. Today she told me shes ditching all her meds and is just gonna do weed therapy. Taking her depression into her own hands, can that make a person sick? To go cold turkey off 3 different anti depressants can someone die by doing that? I need to know, I was engaged to get married to her but we called it off. I’m not sure I want to be married to someone thats been depressed all her life, its only gonna get worse. I dont see it getting any better. But, I love her and I want to support her I dont want to turn my back on her. Yes, we all need help and support and I’m in it til death do we part. Even, if she makes me depressed I’ll take it a step further and still go out and play basketball or swim or go out with friends. I deserve happiness, everyone does! Its your natural born right to be happy!

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simon
June 1st, 2015 at 4:00 PM
my girlfriend has depression and is anorexic. all of our arguments come from her depression and her being in a bad mood, i can only sometimes cheer her up. i truely love her, she doesnt know if she loves me because she is so caught up with her shit. she knows im here for her. but in the end in realtionships, its about being happy. she is unhappy with dating. yesterday she said dating isnt working for either of us, the things that we need to change are things that cant chnange. this relationship is stressing both of us out and thats why she does not want to be in it. when there is more unhappy than happy, its a problem and thats what we are going through. we took a break for a day, then got back together. i cant let her go and i know she cant let me go either. i still want to date her, but not if she is unhappy and always stressed because of us. im so torn and she suggested friends with benefits because we still show each other we care and shit by being friends at school and stuff, then casual hook ups and hanging out, basically dating. i feel it but i but i just cant deal with being her friend in school and more outside, i cant do it in school. were so messed up its insane. does anyone have any pointers or ideas? past experiences?

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Shady
June 20th, 2015 at 10:37 AM
Hi guys
I have a problem and can’t find anyone to tell… Found that website and the posts here are very similar to mine.
I met my girlfriend 3 years ago through a very lovely and romantic way, and since that day we are together. Things we fine for few months then i noticed our sex life taking the down hill road. We had ups and downs for almost a year till i realised that she is alcoholic, and sadlly that the day we met (which i consider the most romantic day i had) she had bottle of wine hidden in her bag.
After a year of being together i started to talk about how bad our sexlife and that it has changed, her reply was always that i’m comparing this to things i read on the internet and that what we had before is considered honeymoon period.
Anyway, now we are almosr 3 yrs together and from the start of this year she finally admited being alcoholic and she started treatment process, with medications and therapy.
The medications side effect is sex blocking, also with her off alcohol her mind cant deal with emotions as other people, so basicly we had like 3 times sex this year.
Now she stopped the medications for a month ago, and still no affection what so ever.
Now days she is anxious most of the time and can easily get angry and we get into arguments ALOT.
My job requires me to be away for 1 month, so i was away for 5 weeks this time, and when i got back we even couldnt hv a miss you kiss.
I started to feel distant from her and that i dont want to be intimat to her. I missed her, but she pushed me away and i got fed up from this.
I feel im depressed, asking myself was actually our sexlife good becuase she was drinking, and that the person im with now has no interest in sex at all?
We talked (argued) about the lack of sex and how distant we are and she said that she doesnt feel any of these feelings, and that sometimes we doesnt feel comfortable thinking about sex.
She had issues before with sex and that was part of why she drank. She has been alcoholic for 10 years.
All i see now is cold person who i love and so frustrated by the lack of intimacy.
Can anyone help me and tell me what can i do?.

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Bard
August 24th, 2015 at 1:29 AM
Dear Shady,
I myself am in a LDR with my girlfriend. I know what it feels like to be distant, but I have extra credit for you because you are near her but yet you still get the cold shoulder. I don’t know if you know Jesus, and sorry if I sound like a religious nutcase now but I’m really trying to help you. I’m not talking about that Mexican guy that lives down the street. I’m talking about Yeshua, the son of the God of Israel. Even if you’ve had bad experiences with the Christian belief in the past, I suggest you to just try something. Start praying to God, together with your girlfriend. I don’t know how much you have tried already, but why not try it?

May you be blessed.

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kairin
July 11th, 2015 at 9:49 AM
Look I’ve been dealing with depression for years as well and yes at times i feel a bit hopeful and at other times i just want to die. I’ve been going to therapy for 3 years and talking about my problems doesn’t help me. It just makes me feel worse, plus medication takes 63-64 days to actually kick in. Medication and therapy don’t really work. Sorry to say this but its just my own opinion.

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Eric
August 24th, 2015 at 4:28 PM
I’m in a similar situation & it is making me crumble emotionally. My gf & I have been dating for only five months. Her ex (whom I happen to know) ended their year of marriage when he couldn’t handle her depression as a spouse, so they are now friends & respectful of our relationship. We started dating a few months after the divorce and (I admit we could have been more responsible of our actions)… she is now pregnant with our first child. Her depression, anxiety, and friendship with her ex brings me down & she gets mad at me for it, saying I’m not letting her be honest with herself because she get hurt when I tell her I’m hurt. We do love each other, but her depression, mixed with her anxiety about our future as parents of the same child, is becoming too much for me to remain hopeful. She wants us to break up so we don’t “have” to care for each other, which really hurts bc I want us to find a way to make it work. Right now, we value the future of our child more than anything else. Any thoughts or suggestions would be sincerely appreciated.

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Tristen
September 26th, 2015 at 9:51 AM
I am seeking some advice.
Me and my LDR girlfriend were originally together for 7 months, then took a break for 3, and now we are back together.
She questioned our status, then says if we are a couple we should act like one (she is always busy and making plans with friends so I leave her be) which she doesn’t like. So I tried communicating a little more and making plans. But she wouldn’t want to talk some nights. She would start crying, she’s wanted to leave home and then denied it the next day, I try to get her to talk about what’s going on but she won’t. I ask if there’s someone else, she says no. Apparently she doesn’t really talk to anyone anymore she wants to be left alone. But I love her and want to help. But she just barely ever wants to talk, but thinks I should be always trying to talk to her even when she wont want too. She won’t tell me what’s going on. But she just cries on the phone and says she’s fine. Am I taking the wrong approach? Should I leave her be and wait for her to consult me? I feel like if I do she’ll ask why I haven’t been talking to her, she won’t message me for atleast 2 days if I do. I’ve explained my feelings in the past and she says she understands but makes no difference. Should I just except it and appreciate the five minutes we talk a day? It bothers me a lot and I’ve done all I could to understand. But I just don’t know anymore

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Bard
September 27th, 2015 at 1:42 AM
Dear Tristen,

Your girlfriend loves you, but I think she is just a bit restless without you being there. She might be craving for you to cross the distance. I’m in a LDR myself too although I have never met her IRL. I don’t know if that is the case with you too. She might miss you. I am not an expert in the world of women but if there is anything I have learned it is that women feel a whole range of emotions and only show/tell a few (or none). Maybe she doesn’t want to tell you how much she wants you to be with her because she doesn’t want to appear needy. She probably wants you to make a call. Do something romantic. Send a package with love letters or get some flowers delivered to her house. Girls love that kind of crap and it’s not gay or anything if you do something where you express your feelings.

Anyway, good luck,

You can do it

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Armand
October 9th, 2015 at 4:04 AM
Hey i am in a LDR and i need your help my gf is also depressed, she doesn’t tell the stuff she is going through, yea she tells me most of the things but not that. Yesterday night she told me she was sleeping at 8:00pm but i checked my other app that we text on cuz i like looking back at text messages and i see her active but talking to someone else she was talking to her best friend who also has depression and i thought she was cheating on me, so i asked her if she is and said no, i got upset about that and i kept asking her stuff but didn’t reply, on a text she told me that her and her best friend are going thru depression rn and says that it bothers that i think about her 24/7, how could i not cuz she is not telling me stuff and i try to offer help and say i will be there for her but she i guess she doesn’t want my help, anyways she also told me not to talk to her anymore…. Is it over? Like i texted her after an hour or two and she read some of them. I told her that i love her and i would never leave her, i forgave her cuz she lied to me, i told her that if i was with right now i would give her a hug and a kiss. But i just seem lost and i need answers, idk if i was harsh and I’m totally new at this so I’m sorry if i was being harsh and all but plz help

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Bard
October 9th, 2015 at 10:31 AM
Dear Armand,
Don’t worry too much about your girlfriend saying that you shouldn’t talk to her anymore. You’ve shown your love for her and she knows that. Depression is a serious issue that is very difficult to understand. Maybe your girlfriend finds talking to her friend, who also has the same kind of problem, helpful in some way. My advise to you would be: Don’t be too stressed out about it. You are in a relationship, you two must have had a reason to be with eachother. There must be fond memories. Try thinking back to those in hard times (or look at the older texts again like you do, I do that too haha). For the potential cheating part, don’t worry about it. I once found out my girlfriend was talking to some other guy. At first I was stressed about it, but later I realised that my worrying wouldn’t change the situation at all. If she wanted to cheat that is her choice. All I could do is be the best boyfriend a girl could have. But enough about me, what I suggest you’d do is get a hobby, or something to distract you from thinking about her all the time. It works for me (I don’t really have a hobby I’m just at school all the time). But when you have a hobby, do make sure that you are always there for her when she needs you. Sometimes through the foggy clouds of depression it’s hard to see if a person really likes you, but don’t worry too much. You are helpful to them by being there when they need you. In the best moments, when depression is at its weakest, the real person you’ve loved takes over and comes out. Those are the moments you should be focusing on, that is the person that you’re in a relationship with.

I hope my thoughts are helpful in any way,
Good luck!

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Bob
October 30th, 2015 at 8:36 PM
Long distance relationships where you rarely/never meet in person are not really the same thing. Tristen, Armand, sounds like your ‘girlfriends’ have real life boyfriends too

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Taylor
January 16th, 2016 at 12:35 PM
I’m having similar issues as many of you aforementioned. Tomorrow my lady and I would be ten months not quite a year, but things have switched off lately.
I have become very weary, weak and helpless toward her, every piece of support I give her is taken with offence, as an insult of her character or some other negative quam brewed inside her hyperactive mind.
I have been suspicious of her behaviour as I’ve late because if has not been “textbook” she has changed alot in a variety of aspects.
I see her every weekend, during the week I keep to myself play video games, homework, go over to a friends for a beer.
She lives 200 km away from me and
I am fine with this, every self respecting man yearns for space of his own, so to me this was the perfect recipe.
I am very caring, soft spoken and outspoken. I am opinionated and very understanding. She is quiet, shy, passive/aggressive yet bubbly she would do anything and everything instantaneously for me, great girl!
Lately she has been responding to me uncaringly and uninterested. She still will randomly text me “I love you!” The odd time but the girl I felt secure with seems to have left her conscience.
I came over this weekend, she didn’t seem to be too excited, she made me dinner but kept glancing at her phone, this hurt because she made less effort to communicate with me get she was on her phone more than usual.
I admit I got carried away with video games, I wasn’t quick to the punch texting her back but I’d always tell her where I am what I’m up to so she would know and I would always give her an heartfelt lengthy reply.
I take it this is detrimental to a person’s feelings who has depression. She felt distanced by me, but in no way did i feel any different toward her. I always tell her I enjoy how she is my first thought when i wake up and the last. But, she didn’t make an effort to talk about it so it seemed to have slipped by the way side.
I’m not sure what’s going on but I let her know constructively that I considered leaving her… I know its harsh but it was a reality check.
I love her a lot, I just miss her old caring cuddly self! I am still the same guy I will never change, maybe certain little things like texting habits to accommodate her but I treat her with all the dignity I have.

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Andreea
January 25th, 2016 at 2:50 PM
I feel for you all. I also have depression. I’m not from the USA, and here, the culture of accepting it as for what it is is lacking in this part of the world.My bf of almost 8 years rolls his eyes, when “the other me” is present. Fact is the depression got better since he mey, I struggle with episodes now, not the full playlist, so to speak. I envy all your girlfriends, because you acknoleged their pain.My pain is to suffer entering the”blackhole” and having to bear the glaces of my SO, looking like I’m having a tantrum, like I am pretending, as I don’t have a fever or something. I could stay in bed 2 days in a row. I’m sorry for all of us that love was not enough. I wish you answers. If you need them…

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The GoodTherapy.org Team
January 25th, 2016 at 4:20 PM
Dear Andreea,

Thank you for sharing. The GoodTherapy.org Team is not qualified to offer professional advice, but we encourage you to reach out. If you would like to talk to a therapist or counselor, you can use our site to locate one in your area.

To see a list of mental health professionals practicing in your area, simply enter your ZIP code here:
https://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html

Please know you are not alone. Help is available, and we wish you the best of luck in your search.

Kind regards,
The GoodTherapy.org Team

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Kristen
March 4th, 2016 at 12:50 AM
Wow am reading all off this makes me wanna cry

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Jacob
June 21st, 2016 at 4:17 PM
It’s like you all know my problems and i’ve never met any of you … :(

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Jun
June 21st, 2016 at 11:45 PM
I’m having this problem with my depressed gf too who I have been in a relationship with for almost 6 months now but lately, she changed from being caring to cold and selfish and I didn’t do anything to anger her and treated her wth utmost care and lots of love since the beginning of our relationship. I’m so tired now and giving her space and to myself too while figuring what I should do, to stay or leave? It’s dragging me down and she won’t listen to me and wouldn’t want to change her way of thinking for herself or anyone, I hate to say this but I realized she is actually very stubborn and selfish. I’m the one who’s always giving the support and it’s draining me and she doesn’t appreciate it at all and said she can’t feel our love anymore. When I asked her what she thinks about the future, she said it won’t be happiness and that it is impossible to be happy, and that she never imagine about our relationship anymore. It hurt me deeply and I don’t know what to do. She didn’t even try to make the effort in keeping the conversation going and I’m always the one who care about her when she doesn’t give a thought about me and keep immersing herself in her depressive world. She shut me off completely and gave me halfhearted reply whenever I talk to her. When I have some ‘me’ time to save my soul from drowning because of her, she said that I was selfish for leaving her for, like, a day! She was not like this when we first met. She was sweet, sensitive and caring. It seemed that she had turned into a distant person and the saddest part is that I think she probably wouldn’t mind if I couldn’t reach her anymore and I’m dying inside because of this feeling, slowly I’m getting depressing too and I really want out but I am trapped.

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Anthony
March 17th, 2017 at 12:17 AM
I’ve dealt with people like that and let me tell you it’s never easy cuz there gonna try and bring you down.I mean I too have anxiety but not to the point where I freak out or go completely insane.

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Greg
July 29th, 2016 at 1:26 AM
I hate her anxiety. I didn’t know about it. My sleep have been deprived for over 6 months. my health is declining. I have high blood pressure because of her. I have a feeling I might just kill myself if this goes on.

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The GoodTherapy.org Team
July 29th, 2016 at 10:16 AM
Hi Greg,
We read your comment, and we hear your frustration and unhappiness. Please know there is hope, and help is available. First, if you are ever in crisis or are in danger of hurting yourself or someone else, it is very important you seek help immediately. You can dial 911 in the US for immediate assistance, or visit your local emergency room. We list further resources on this page:https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

If you would like to get in touch with a therapist, you can search our directory for mental health professionals in your area: goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html

Please keep in mind that GoodTherapy.org is an exclusive directory. If you have trouble finding a professional in your area, don’t be discouraged–it may mean you’ll have better luck doing a Google search or asking for a referral from a trusted health professional, such as your doctor.

Thank you for reaching out. We are thinking of you and wishing you and your partner the very best!
Warm regards,
The GoodTherapy.org Team

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Jeff
September 7th, 2016 at 9:09 AM
I have been dealing with a depressed girlfriend for the last 3 months. I’m there for her and she knows it. She losing her best friend to cancer and she going through crisis with weight loss. I’m different then most I let her know I care everyday and all day but at same time I have tons of hobbies that detract from everything. Dealing with a depressed girl isn’t easy and there some moments of greatness and when it happens I take full advantage of it. When I feel she is back to her slump again I back off and do my own thing for awhile. She will text or call me out of blue and tell how much she appreciates my patience with her. I am very patient and always will be because in my mind we love each other and relationship may not be perfect sometimes but that’s okay in my eyes.

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PainFul
September 11th, 2016 at 7:47 AM
I am crying here because I feel you guys are talking about problem that I am facing.
About me and my girlfriend!
We r loving since 5-6 years! (Not married)
First two years went well. From then onwards,my girl friend got suffering from depression slowly.but I was not knowing that and she also didnt share anything to me. From past one to two years I came to know.Now it becomes severe.she suffers from anxiety , bipolar disorder. Even she could not continue her studies and quit her studies.It’s all because of she loves me to core and missing me much! She tried attempting suicide few times.Even I am loving her lot but could not make her understand.she always wants me to be around my arms! But how is it possible? I m still jobless for more than 2yrs thinking about her problems all the time.i can marry her after getting a good job.i feel like my life is hell and but I am not selfish too. I am trying to help her but I could not help anymore than this.i could concentrate on caring myself, could not eat or sleep well.
Smoking and drinking!(All is Hell)
she undergoing medications and therapy but nothing could help her. Now I am questioning myself whether to leave her or hold her.whether she ll feel better later on if I suppose leave her.
Uffo , I feel like I dont want anything in my life. I feel for all of you guys!
Atlast I hate the word “LOVE” with cry.
I can know no one would have got solution.
If you have solution, you are God for me:(

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Love is Pain
September 11th, 2016 at 7:59 AM
I am crying here because I feel you guys are talking about problem that I am facing.
About me and my girlfriend!
We r loving since 5-6 years! (Not married)
First two years went well. From then onwards,my girl friend got suffering from depression slowly.but I was not knowing that and she also didnt share anything to me. From past one to two years I came to know.Now it becomes severe.she suffers from anxiety , bipolar disorder. Even she could not continue her studies and quit her studies.It’s all because of she loves me to core and missing me much! She tried attempting suicide few times.Even I am loving her lot but could not make her understand.she always wants to be around my arms! But how is it possible? I m still jobless for more than 2yrs thinking about her problems all the time.i can marry her after getting a good job.i feel like my life is hell and but I am not selfish too. I am trying to help her but I could not help anymore than this.i could not concentrate on caring myself, could not eat or sleep well.
Smoking and drinking!(All is Hell)
she undergoing medications and therapy but nothing could help her. Now I am questioning myself whether to leave her or hold her.whether she ll feel better later on if I suppose leave her.
Uffo , I feel like I dont want anything in my life. I feel for all of you guys!
Atlast I hate the word “LOVE” with cry.
I can know no one would have got solution.
If you have solution, you are God for me:(

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Greg
November 5th, 2016 at 5:25 PM
I really wish GoodTherapy.org would have some people, professionals or people who had past experiences in line with all the above comments and have them offer some advice and hope for everyone here. Trying to be a significant other when your partner has depression, anorexia, bulimia, addictions etc feels absolutely terrifying. We all have to remain positive people. We can all get through this. There has to be solutions. We need ways to keep the flame and love alive.

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Anonymous
November 15th, 2016 at 7:45 AM
Wow.. so many people with so many similar issues and I thought I was the only one!

I am torn – she is stunning and beautiful, cooks, looks after me but she doesnt look after herself. She is suffering from depression, anxiety, restlessness, nightmares, physical issues and so on. She struggles to make friends and has isolated herself from the world. She has issues with everyone including mine and her family. And this is where our problems come in. She doesn’t like it when I do my own thing or want to go out or have something in my life other than her.

I have seen suicide attempts, aggression and erratic and forceful ways of keeping me locked in the house every time I threaten to leave.

She doesnt want to leave me either, because if she does she says she will kill herself.

Our arguments are born out of nothing, she wants me to do as she wishes and doesnt believe in personal space, family commitments, having ambitions and achievoing dreams.

Its killing me inside as she looks so helpless, vulnerable, alone and she has the face of one of the most beautiful girls you would ever meet. She is loyal and would care for me no matter what but I cant keep bringing my own life down too to be on her level. It almost feels as though she is in a better mood when I am down!

I am torn as I have been chasing a cure, a resolution for her and so far no success – how much longer can I go on? Every time I look at her pics, I am immediately in love again by seeing her smile but in person all I am thinking of is an exit strategy despite all the caring in the world.

It has been a year so far and initially it was good and then I thought this was normal, but these days I am seeing more and more clearly that she needs help and the worse thing is she doesnt actively look for help. She looks for a bit of comfort, wants some tea/cuddles and sex. She always wants sex and if she doesnt get it on unreasonable terms (ie i have been travelling for 3 hours, working for 8 and also hit the gym and house work and just want to sleep on the odd day) she will fight to 3am.

Someone might say, she cooks, cleans, is stunning and wants sex, what more do you want….. I would answer, I just want to feel free and safe…

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Marc
December 9th, 2016 at 1:35 PM
Totally agree with your comment. Good looking, good healthy cooking. Same for me. I can not just do sex all the time I’m not a robot. If you are tired or stressed I can’t do sex. Then to know she will react & get angry is so wrong. This then gives my anxiety about getting erectile dysfunction. She thinks I must be sleeping with someone else & she is not the object of my desire. How wrong! I have a lower sex drive than hers.

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ching
January 19th, 2017 at 9:01 AM
…and the thing with sex: if you are curious and want to understand:
she is unable to talk to you to achieve closeness because of all she had to deal with in her head so she compensate this lack of connection by wanting more sex (sex is expression of the highest level of acceptance and intimacy with other person after all and you don’t have to talk during this action) and when you refuse, because of the depressed state and has low self-esteem that accompanies it, she treats it like rejection. Like you rejecting the last possible form of understanding and connection. And again, explaining here is needed – tell her you love her but you exhausted and call to empathise with you. Gently but strongly.
ching
January 19th, 2017 at 8:06 AM
hello, I am this depressed girl,
I am really surprised to see that there is so many cases of difficult relationships, and also that persons who write here are mostly guys dealing with broken girlfriends. Seems like a pattern, a thing to analyse better.

There is this main problem with communication between boys and girls – we think a little bit differently and act too. As I read your comments I am beginning to understand what my boyfriend feels.

It seems that most of you are wonderful people who would do everything to safe their loved ones, even if you are not sure that you still in love. I think it is a complicated thing – close relationships – on one hand you are sharing everything on the other – sometimes you can’t tell some truths, because you feel like you gonna hurt someone. I don’t know if it is a good thing to avoid that, I am almost sure it isn’t.

I lost my faith in myself, in my abilities, in my attractiveness, I also lost my job because I was physically sick because of stress. I was two years out – watching movie series to help me distract while I forced myself to eat. If I ate a regular dinner I felt like it was a huge success. I was acting like it all was my boyfriends fault, and I sometimes felt like this. Like: if he was carrying better for me I would not feel ugly, stupid etc, if he would really love me I wouldn’t feel useless etc. It was me rationalising my emotions. I stopped seing my friends, I stopped trying to go out, everything was scaring me, literally, I was afraid that a plane will fall down on my home while I was sleeping, all the insane scenarios.

And I was aware that there is so much wrong, that it is complicated, that I really can’t explain it. When asked I would avoid the answer – because I really didn’t know, and when forced, probably I would put the blame on someone else or act with aggression.

I wanted to cope with it on my own, I thought that I would be finally feeling proud of myself if I could fix myself. I did’t wanted help, I didn’t wanted to tell people how sad I am (and that I don’t know why) to anyone. And also I realised that people don’t like sad people. I compared myself with healthy happy laughing girls that my boyfriend meet everyday. And it started to bring me down even more. I started to be rude and aggressive. I started to seek too much attention, because it felt finally a lille bit good to have this attention. I fought with my boyfriend just to feel close to him for a while, to be able to talk.

So you see, these emotions are complicated, you have trace them few steps back to understand what is really going on. And that is the hard and painful task – to face the truth, because depression is, for me at least – running away form truth, avoiding to face it. And it can be anything, anything for the wide spectre of psychological problems or disorders.

This is important: I have to tell you – you will not find the cure, you can be there and support but please stop believing that it will make the problem go away. The problem is somewhere else and only specialist can find it. Thinking that you will solve the problem will only make you more and more frustrated. It is not your role in this case. And dwelling in the state of permanent not-understanding-what-is-going-on is no option. Trying to fix it on yours own either no optional. Her aggression and fights are only there to tell you that she needs help, and help in this case is outside you two – therapy, friends, new experiences. Step by step.

You have to start working on it, push things forward. Talk, really talk openly without any criticism. And that one is difficult for boys: you HAVE to not think through your ego. It takes a huge amount of love to do that. You tend to put blame on you, stop doing this. Listen, really try to listen like she was your best friend not girlfriend. And do not try to help, just try to understand. Go with her to therapist. And also you have to be a little tough, let her know that you understand and love (you can tell her that simply in words, she might not notice that your actions are supposed to tell it, it is also difference between sexes) her but don’t be the hero here. Let her take the step and compliment her if she completes it. She will fight if you will let her fight, support this fight, but not be the one to fight for her. She also will fail in it, many times, probably hurting you, but she will go on. You have to tell her when she hurts you. Let her try and fix that. Let she feels that you are proud of her.

There is so many thoughts and circumstances for a girl. Like everything was depending on something else, like it was fragile structure. That is why she will fail. She will have better and badder days and she will be back to old pattern.

And probably you wonder why I use past tense when I write. I consider myself in recovery. I really hope that it is it.
You may also try this, what my boyfriend did: he said he is leaving me cause it is too hard for him, he left me for two painful days, then he told me that he will be back, but in some time. That left me with a perspective of loosing someone I really love and also left space for me to think about it in safe environment. I was in shock but I have on other option than to fight. So I fight.
But this might not work or end tragically also. I am a fighter so that was my reaction. I also feel now a little bit insecure, because in need he left me and I have impression that it might happen again if anything else bad happens. But I believe in him and that thought is put away. Your girl might decide differently.

And one last thing, she really wants to be again successful, beautiful, smart, witty, and attractive for you more than anything else. She just don’t know how to do this.

good luck!

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Jamie
January 23rd, 2017 at 3:13 PM
Thanks for your testimony Ching. It’s extremely helpful to be able to read something from the person suffering from depression.

My girlfriend of 6 months began declining about a month ago. She has now admitted to me that she has battled with depression since she was a teenager (she is 26). Seeing the change in her every day life and general well-being has been nothing short of a complete shock to me. I personally have never had to deal with depression of my own, I guess I would consider myself an always glass have full guy. Before this everything was amazing, great relationship, we admitted to each other that we were in love and had fallen head over heals, amazing sex, I really felt like I had found my best friend. Life was perfect.

Two nights ago after a weekend of not really talking that much as she was very down and I was super busy with work, we spoke on the phone and she told me she needed to be alone and deal with this, because her depression was the worst it’s ever been. Now I am devastated, saddened and hurt by the fact my beautiful girlfriend (now ex) is so unwell and there’s nothing that I can really do, except offer my support and love. She has told me that my love and support has made her feel so special and that I’m an amazing guy that deserves to be happy, and I believe her. She is a no bullshit chick that has always been completely honest with me about everything and this is no exception.

I’m not really looking for advice with this, just getting something off my chest to the world. I have honoured her decision to sort this out alone. Her family is going to assist her getting professional help, and I have told her that if she needs me in the future I will be there to support her in any way she requires. I think this is the best for us at this time, as I read up in this thread I see a lot of pain caused to both people as time goes on and I don’t want that to happen to either of us. I don’t want to get to the point of carer for her or to resent her because of her condition. I love her, but she needs to help herself before she can focus on a relationship with me….
Thank You
April 15th, 2017 at 4:51 PM
Ching, I thank the universe for you, and you for your response. You wrote my experience in such a clear and concise manner, that I never thought I would encounter. Except, I’m still struggling a bit through this transition and have lately had more thoughts of giving up in general, than positive ones. I have good days and bad days.
But I really just wanted to Thank You for your post. Best of luck to you on your journey.
Hugs
Anonymous
January 20th, 2017 at 1:34 AM
Hey, lately iv been feeling more and more distant from my gf. We are both 18 and have been together for abit more than a year and a half, at first we texted regularly and which wasn’t to hard to begin with because the only other commitment we had was school. However, i was in a grade above her and graduated and proceeded to get a job so i could support our lives, this made texting hard as i had very early starts and it was very physically and mentally tiring work, however i still texted her as much as possible. As time went on our texts started to get more and more one sided as i would ask about her day and i would help her with any problems she had, but she would always start complaining about her problems and never actually talking about mine. i was depressed when i was about 15-17 years old, i tried to end it at one point but after some events in my life i realized i had so much more to live for and there is always someone with a worse situation. I beat my depression, i became happy again but after a year with my gf and trying to care for her depression i can feel it creeping back again. i fell as if i cant help her, i’m not good enough to make her happy although i try so hard and its making me doubt myself more and more. She also started to talk about other guys and how they were getting close to her (which i actually found out the guys she was talking about liked her aswel) but when i ask her to not do anything misleading with them, she started arguing with me and saying i wasn’t trusting her. However when i asked her how she’d feel if i was to hang out with other girls she said that i wasn’t allowed to and that all i would do is want to have sex with them or at least have those intentions. I feel like iv become more of a tool for relief then her boyfriend, i feel as if she doesn’t actually care for me but all she wants is me to make her happy. I cant leave her though because she said she wouldn’t be able to live if i left her. She wont go to counselling nor will she take medication, she hurts herself knowing that it hurts me because it means iv failed once again to make her happy. I don’t know what to do any more, I’m losing to much sleep, my work is taking a toll and so is my health. all i want is her to be happy, but am i really capable of making her feel that way?

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HH
March 8th, 2017 at 8:43 AM
Leave. My ex boyfriend left me because I was depressed all the time. The best I could do for him was to let him go and wished him happy.

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Slay the Princess Rescue the Dragon
June 25th, 2017 at 11:02 AM
Sounds to me like a bunch of spoiled princesses. Especially when they’re attractive they can just bounce around from bf to bf.

Hell even the break up process reinforces their behavior.
A woman goes through a break up, she goes out, cries half the time and gets her drinks paid for all night and has her choice of a half a dozen guys fighting over her. And before you know it has someone paying for half or all of her bills. The sad thing is when these ppl start showing their age and don’t have their sh$t together.

C’mon guys you know the drill. Most of you experienced it yourselves unless you are blessed with incredible good looks or a family wealth. As men we don’t have an option. We have to get our sh#t together or be ok with being alone and broke or God forbid settle for the girl we’re all here talking about.

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Slay the Princess Rescue the Dragon
June 25th, 2017 at 11:18 AM
Having your sh$t together isn’t exactly essential for survival anymore.
You couldn’t survive being a total mess a hundred years ago and
somewhere inside you still know that too, it’s a natural instinct.
To me all of these modern mental issues we see are a result of too much free time, too many choices and the conveniences we enjoy. If you have depression or anxiety it’s because you know deep in your soul that you aren’t on the right path or living up to your potential. I dunno maybe that’s just me.

Good Luck Everyone. I feel you. I’ve been there, multiple times.

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The Truth Teller
July 23rd, 2017 at 12:21 PM
Well i have a very depressed girlfriend that i am dating at this moment which i do really love her which she is always unhappy when i go over her house. She just takes things to seriously when i try to joke around with her which i really can see that she has a real problem to begin with. It is very sad when a very good man like me just happens to have very bad luck with women when i really shouldn’t at all. And it was bad enough that i was married at one time and my Ex wife cheated on me thinking that i was going to spend the rest of my life with her at the time. And the woman that i am dating right now which i do hope that my relationship lasts with her since like i mentioned earlier i really do love her very much. But i will never get married again since it really has become very risky for many of us men that have been married the first time.

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V
August 26th, 2019 at 11:36 PM
Hi everyone
So I’ve been in a relationship with my partner for over a year and a half, and in the past 6 months things have really become difficult for both of us. My partner has depression and anxiety and this year everything on his side of life started crumbling; family, job, friends, self-esteem, personal projects. And he just feels like a failure and a burden onto everyone else to the point he has almost committed suicide twice. He has on multiple occasions told me that he only feels happy, safe and secure around me, and that if it wasn’t for me he would’ve killed himself long ago. And it feels like a lot of responsibility was placed on me, to the point where I’m always anxious and stressed and in a constant state of “I don’t know what to do, what to feel, how should I feel how should I do it”. On my side my family is going through a very rough time and we’re worried about losing our home, I’m going through a quarter-life crises where I don’t know what I studied is the right thing for me, I’m also really worried about my future because I don’t know where I’m heading in life. Also, I’m placed as the general emotional support to everyone around me. And at the current time, I feel stretched thin with everything going around me since everyone needs me there for them, along with being there for myself. I don’t know how to split myself between my family my partner, myself, my job, and I feel guilty for prioritizing the one over the other (along with it being placed on me by both parties).

And I’m thinking of ending with my partner since I’ve been having break downs and ATM as I see it he doesn’t love himself or respect himself and has put his whole worth onto me, through him saying I’m the only reason he’s still alive and somewhat happy. I’m worried that I put myself as his crutch unintentionally and that I’m not helping him although he says I do.
I still love him so much, but I think its the best choice for both of us. So that he loves himself. But I feel so guilty and ashamed and like a failure for wanting this and I don’t know what to do. And I know he’s going to hate me and say I don’t understand. I still don’t know what to do and I feel terrible.
Am I giving up too quickly, am I weak, am I selfish… I really don’t know what I should do or feel right now

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meddcoambulance
December 4th, 2019 at 5:03 AM
Thank you for sharing. Very Informative.

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Tymi
March 9th, 2020 at 2:11 PM
Well, I’ve dating this girl for the last half-year, after two years of deep depression, isolation, drugs & alcohol abuse and poverty. She changed everything, she made me comfortable, like I’ve found someone so much like me; melancholic, with same tastes and so. She’s 30, I’m 26, she never had a boyfriend, nor had sex or drugs nor anything. Most of her adult life was spent trying to stabilize from bipolarity. This girl was everything I wanted, such a good partner, listener, so smart, sensitive.
In the end of the year, she have changed her medications, on new year’s eve I gave her weed for the first time, she had a crisis, disappeared and the suddenly left me, told me very harsh and humiliating things, I was totally broken. Then she started talking that her family pressured her, about the meds and that she loved me, but had a really hard time. I forgave her and forgot all of that. We kept going on, and little by little she started becoming more and more away from me. We used to talk all day, have very long calls every night, laugh a lot, play together. Than it all started to fade, she had weekly outbursts after we met, we had a lovely weekend, then, the other day, she was always very depressed or even aggressive, treating herself very badly, being jealous on my friends, depreciating herself. I always stopped everything to help her, to stay hours remind her how she is incredible. She is very complexed about her weight, her mental issues and the time she has lost in her life. And I never had a problem with that, I loved her entirely, with all of that.
Lately, I’ve been becoming stronger, I’ve finished my graduation, am starting to work by myself. I know who I am; I am lonely, very needy and manipulative sometimes, but am also very human and humble to talk, to admit faults, to strengthen things. But every day she is more and more far away from me.
She didn’t want to go to my graduation. She has lost sleep all night, and so did I. She posts lots of hurtful things on her networks, she gets only and doesn’t talk to me, she’s alway leaving to something, she doesn’t seem to care about things I’ve got to say, she’s no longer responsive or interested and she’s been pretending fun, she doesn’t seem to care at all anymore, and when I openly say how this has been hurting me and how things changed drastically, she always blames her condition, that she is really depressed and in mood swings, but she no longer let me be closer, she no longer wants to talk. I’m really hurt, I know I’m losing her, I am starting to become, once again, insecure, isolated, anxious. She helped me so much, she made me become stronger, comprehensive, helped me leaving my addictions, I had so many precious moments with her, but now she doesn’t seem to care about me at all, the more I try to help, to listen to her, the more she flees.
I’m so hurt lately, and she doesn’t give it a mind, and she doesn’t barely talk to me on the late days. I’ve got a life, I want to be happy, to love, I am strong, I am bold, and I can’t seem like to help her anymore, she doesn’t want to, she’s just getting away from me, I’m losing her. I thought she was the woman of my life, that I would do anything for her – and I would – but she simply doesn’t want. Day in or out, she’ll leave me broken again, I know it, just don’t know when. She’s 30 but she isn’t mature enough to have any responsibility, I pity for it. I would stand everything for her, but she doesn’t seem to care, and it kills me from the inside.

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Caretaker2020
May 13th, 2020 at 5:59 AM
That sounds like my issue too. We started dating and since after 2 months she’s been depressed. I did anything to help her, yet there seems to be no progress. She did take medications she did try psychiatrist. I asked a lot of questions to learn what the problem is, all she says that everything collapses to her. One day I thought that she wanted to seek attention by saying that so I confronted her. All I got is she is just a drama queen, there wasn’t any problems to become sad. Just because she’s depressed, I‘ve got depressed. Breaking up is my last option but a considerable option because the fact that she is just not paying attention to me, everything is about her and her thoughts only. I feel like a slave. I feel like she is using me even though I take care of her.

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G
May 9th, 2021 at 5:46 PM
Reading all these comments makes me very sad and confused.

I’ve been with my girl for over 4 months now, but we have been good friends for more than 7 years. I know she deals with her own issues and I’ve known for quite some time, but I see it more often now. Her issues didn’t matter to me as she is a very good person, but I didn’t see the whole picture. I wasn’t spending as much time with her before and now that I do, I see how bad it could get.

Unfortunately, there seems to be nothing I can do when she feels down. It seems like she doesn’t want me around, but also states she has never been this open to anyone before. She says she feels okay when she clearly doesn’t, when I give her a hug during this time, she tenses up, keeps shaking her head, and really hates herself for the way she is. I don’t want to leave her, as a friend she needs me more than anything, but I need to figure out a way to help us both (I know I’m not going to fix her issues, but just being around saying the same thing over and over again like “I love you” or “everything going to be okai” doesn’t seem like its doing anything at all. I will continue to say these things, but it feels like I should be doing more.)

She keeps saying this like “I’m not a good person & I don’t think I’ll ever stop feeling this way” I have given her reassurance, saying I’m here for it through the good and bad, but fuck it seems like I’m talking to a brick wall sometimes. AND finally, when everything feels fine, she doesn’t acknowledge anything that happened. She is also currently in therapy.

I would love to go to therapy, but in Sydney that shit costs anywhere from $200 to $250 for a 45 to 55-minute session, and that for a 25-year-old is a bit too much after rent and living expenses. I know that’s going to be the final solution to all this, but is there anything anyone else could recommend? I feel really lost. I love her so much, but I know I’d rather deal with these issues now than a year or 2 into a relationship.

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M
June 1st, 2021 at 5:20 AM
Hi everyone,
thanks for everyone comments! it’s comforting to know that other couples go through the same things. I’ve been with my girlfriend for ten years, starting in college. She experienced child sexual trauma and suffers from depression and ptsd. When we first met she experienced severe triggers and dissociative states, which led to her being unable to finish her degree, something she carries a great deal of shame from. Everyday is a battle. She lacks motivation, and can struggle to get out of bed and finds it very difficult to engage with “productive” in her life, that I know she wants to do, but that she feels are fake and fleeting. She’s struggled to be present at her job, and isn’t able to meet deadlines or pass things in on time. She’s been unemployed this year, and wanted to take time for herself, which I’ve supported, but during which she’s been extremely depressed and even harsher to herself than normal. She’s fixates and ruminates on her health on a daily basis, and connects every ache and pain as a reflection of her perceived inability and shame around not taking care of herself, and thinks she can’t trust her own mind. This makes any conversion on other topics nearly impossible or difficult until her anxieties about her health are addressed. She blames herself for everything, and says incredibly negative and hurtful things about her self. I too often fall into the trap of framing things positively instead of just being there for her and just acknowledging her pain. I try not to put pressure on her to be a certain way or accomplish a certain thing in a given day, but when the time comes when there is actually a really important thing she needs to do, and she’s not able to do it, i feel i end up hurting her and not helping. Because of my own childhood, and my mom’s depression as a kid, I reflexively push her away when she gets very depressed, and have trouble acknowledging what she’s going through. i dont know what to do. She’s suffered from depression throughout our relationship. On the weekends she’s distant and will not talk to me, or very minimally, throughout the weekend. She’s gone to therapy, but currently not going. I love her so much and wish I could take her pain away, but I feel i’ve lost myself and no longer feel happy. She’s not able to be there for me. We don’t really have many, if any, moments of romance anymore. We stopped having sex last year because of her trauma. We do talk through alot of things and have a somewhat open dialogue, but I still feel resentful and angry when i feel she’s not there for me, something i don’t seem to get over, despite wanting to. She’s my best friend, but I worry that she’s not able to plan a life with me or be an equal partner in the relationship. please help!

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Sara GT
June 1st, 2021 at 7:32 AM
Dear M, If you would like to find a mental health professional for your girlfriend, you can start finding therapists in your area by entering your city or ZIP code into the search field on this page: https://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html. Once you enter your information, you’ll be directed to a list of therapists and counselors who meet your criteria. You may click to view our members’ full profiles and contact the therapists themselves for more information. If you need help finding a therapist, you are welcome to call us. We are in the office Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Mountain Time, and our phone number is 888-563-2112 ext 3. Kind regards, The GoodTherapy Team

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J
May 14th, 2022 at 5:37 PM
I’m going through a similar thing, I’ve been with my girlfriend for 4 years, she’s been through childhood trauma, depression, anxiety, borderline personality disorder, she’s friendly when normal, considerate of others, respects me, whenever there’s an emotional issue , though not my fault, she became destructive, recklessly destroyed everything she could see, started to be indifferent to me, aloof, aggressive, self-harm, said a lot of negative things, i love her i tried meditating and Self hypnosis to deceive my emotions, I don’t know what to do, I don’t know how long I can hold on, I’m afraid I’m really broken, it will hurt everyone

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R
January 24th, 2023 at 11:08 AM
I did every single thing that you guys have written here. I tried hard to keep the relationship going, but I was alone in that battle. At the end of the day, I just believe that depression was just an excuse. She did not want to fight, and when I thought finally thing would become better, she just said that she did not have time or energy to focus on the relationship, and wanted to focus on herself. After everything I did, I have been there every single day, sharing my life with her, and pushing her away from this disease. All efforts made on my part were in vain. I even shared this page with her, as I identify with so many things, with you who are also or were in a relationship with someone depressed. but she made fun of me… she said she wasn’t going to read this BS. During the relationship, she refused to be medicated or to be accompanied by a psychologist. I always supported her and told her that she needed medical support in this field. I even offered to pay for the consultation costs. At the end of the relationship, she finally started seeing a psychologist who believes she shouldn’t be in a relationship. Me being there, and supporting this whole time didn’t count for anything. I dealt the final blow when I advised psychological follow-up over and over again. It was a no-win situation for me. I want her to be happy, and I hope you guys are luckier than me.

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