I Can’t Get Over My Husband’s Affairs
I'm having difficulty dealing with the anger involved in my husband's two affairs. I caught him at it both times. He is trying to do everything he can but I get snarky with him. I'm so angry all of the time. I want him to suffer too! I know this isn't healthy. How do I get beyond it? —Betrayed
Submit Your Own Question to a Therapist
The question is short and to the point—it sounds like you feel betrayed and are angry, want revenge, and want to know how to get over this. I feel embarrassed that my answer is so much longer than the question, and I ask for patience; this is a painful and difficult experience.
I have questions, too. I wonder how long you have been married, if you have children, and if there have been other instances of betrayal that may not be confined to the sexual area. I wonder about your ability to communicate. I worry that you and your spouse are not partners, but adversaries, and maybe have been for a long time.
Let’s focus on dealing with anger. You say you “get snarky.” Are snarky remarks a way to gradually let off the anger, preventing a full-fledged rage response? Have you been angry for a long time?
It sounds like you want revenge. That’s understandable—an eye for an eye, so to speak. Unfortunately that leads to blindness all around.
A poet, Ron Padgett, advises staying angry for a week, then dropping the anger but not forgetting the reason for it.
Sounds good, but how?
Some ways to release anger are: physical activity, emoting, meditating, writing in a journal, doing art, talking things over with friends as well as the person who made you angry in the first place, seeing a therapist if the anger is of long duration. All these methods work; try them all or the ones you like best. Consulting a couples therapist deserves primary place on this list.
Couples therapy will help you communicate with each other in a protective environment, where you can both be clear about your feelings and what may have caused this painful breach of trust, so you can figure out together what to do next. As you each learn how the other feels and thinks, you may develop more empathic responses to each other, and the marriage will strengthen. Alternatively, it may become clear that the marriage cannot continue—in this case therapy may help you part with less rancor, so that the good memories of your relationship can survive. This is especially important if you have children, but even if you don’t you will part more completely if you’re not bound to each other with rage, which can act like glue and prevent you from moving on with your life. A couples therapist can also help you decide if individual treatment might be helpful.
Most important: remaining angry for long periods of time causes physiological changes, such as a rise in blood pressure and literal aches and pains, and it sets the stress response going on a 24-hour basis. Not good. So it’s a question of health to learn ways to deal with strong emotional responses.
I wish you and your spouse good luck and patience in learning how to communicate with each other and live without fear, anger, or despair.
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shantelMay 27th, 2010 at 6:33 PM
My mouth is full of testimonies, my husband left home for two years to south Africa for a tourist, where he meant this prostitute and he was bewitch by the girl my husband refuse to come back home again, i cry day and night looking for who to help me, i read a comment on the internet about a powerful spell caster called Dr. Magbu and i contacted the spell caster to help me get my husband back to me and he ask me not to worry about it that the gods we fight for me.. he told me by mid-night when all the spirit is at rest he will cast a spell to reunite my Husband back to me. and he did, in less than 3 days my husband came back to me and started crying that i should for forgive him, i,m so happy for what this spell caster did for me and my husband.. Dr. Magbu.
Beck williamsJuly 16th, 2012 at 4:03 PM
I have been in this exact same boat before so I know how she feels. Everyone tells you to let go of the anger, but I was just like she is and wanted him to suffer and be hurt just like I was. Eventually I couldn’t take it anymore that I was the one feeling the brunt of the pain and I filed for divorce. I wish that I would have been able to get over it but I just never saw that happening.
A.IJuly 17th, 2012 at 2:25 AM
There is really no “getting over” for some people,is there? All they want to do is hold on to something they completely exaggerate at times and although sorries have been told and new commitments made they never seem to let go.
LeahNovember 3rd, 2016 at 6:26 PM
For you to say this leads me to believe you have never been on the receiving end of this level of betrayal. Count your blessings.
StephJuly 17th, 2012 at 4:21 AM
And you should not feel like you have to get over it!
I am so tired of hearing that the only way for it to survive is for you, the one who has been wronged, to just move on.
That’s why women continue to get screwed over, because we are the ones who are constantly being told to go and be a good wifey now and put all of that behind you.
Well I for one am ready to burn some bras again and say that women shouldn’t have to take all of this from society anymore.
MariaJuly 19th, 2016 at 8:28 AM
Yes! Steph, thank you. I agree completely. One thing here, if you can’t move on, you gotta leave. I’m learning this as we speak. I’m stuck, literally in a state 3,000 miles from home, with little income. We are both planning on how to get out of it, but my dog is in love with my husband and I can’t seem to shake it.
MariaJuly 19th, 2016 at 8:30 AM
My husband cheated and seems to think my flirting with a guy at a bar 3 years ago is a justifiable reason for this. And then I find out he cheated well before that. 12 months and couples therapy later I realize people always cheat and that I’m over it. I have cheated, and been cheated on. It’s a tail as old as time.
GuestJuly 23rd, 2016 at 5:12 PM
So what if you flirted with a guy. If a relationship is so weak that he thinks you flirting with a guy is a huge deal then I see problems. Maybe you guys could have discussed an open relationship but if its over, your dog will love another man. Worry about becoming financial dependent and establishing a social support. This is something my friend learned the hard way. She went away to follow her boyfriend to the other side of the country and when things ended after they both cheated, she was broke and with a kid. Thankfully she was able to get her old job back after a couple of months and has decided to stay single.
suzieSeptember 2nd, 2016 at 6:50 AM
Thankyou Steph. I have recently found out my husband of 21yrs was sleeping with my best friend of over 25 years. Wow the pain of double betrayal! And now all I get from him is ” you must move on, you must get over this, you have to heal yourself” why do I have to do all the work when I didn’t ruin the marriage? What is intrinsically wrong with these men?
BSNovember 29th, 2016 at 2:32 PM
I agree with you Steph. I’m a woman and I can’t get over chronic cheating from my husband. I can be happy somedays but then it all comes back again. The anger, resentment, revenge. I’ve lost all hope. We’re both Christians but I must confess, at times , I hate my husband. I forgive him, he does it again. Married for 4 years and counting. I’m so emotionally drained and feel helpless. The BIG question is, if it were me cheating on him over and over again with different men, would he “just let go of anger” and move on like nothing happenned. Absolutely not.
asherJuly 17th, 2012 at 12:19 PM
Haven’t we all made mistakes in life? Not that this excuses his having the affairs, but I think that sometimes we are so quick to blame someone else for everything that we tend to forget that maybe we have some responsibility for their actions. We have to look at our own lives and think about the things that we maybe did or didn’t do that could have led to these things happening. Obviously when someone chooses to cheat, they are making a horrible choice. There are far better answers than doing that, but cheating I guess seems like the easy way out, or a way to escape what is going on at home. I know that this is probably not a popular opinion, but I think that sometimes you do have to let it go, accept part of the blame, especially if you ever want to stay in the marriage. If you don’t care about saving it, then fine, go ahead and rage.
Latoya MJune 14th, 2016 at 10:45 AM
Getting over it is not an option. When you get married you are making a commitment. When you cheat you should think about the person you are cheating on and how you would feel if you were the one being cheated on. You shouldn’t dish out something you wouldn’t want to happen to you.
EllieAugust 30th, 2016 at 3:16 PM
Love your response. When we get married we make a commitment to one person and should think of them if we so love them before making dumb decisions that will hurt them and our marriage.
Lucy MAugust 1st, 2016 at 10:58 AM
So, let me get this, the person who kept the commitment, for better or worse, and did not cheat, should accept some responsibility for the actions of the spouse that chose to break the commitment, and cheat? That is the stupidest thing I have ever read.
AndiAugust 1st, 2016 at 8:52 PM
I can’t seem to wrap my brain around the idea that the innocent partner should accept responsibility … It just adds more insult to the Injury.
I’ve been in a HORRENDOUS situation for almost a decade now , which is the culmination / of 19 years of hell.
After wondering for so long what the F I could possibly be doing wrong , I found out that he was seeing a favorite stripper, etc etc etc. VIP room stuff.
I was trusting and faithful and now feel sooo like a foolish nothing of a woman.
Before I found evidence, there was the confidence to keep going day to day and keep trying.
Now , after years of lies and the inability to come up with no solid new evidence ,,in a nutshell I am trapped.
I have spent countless hours researching and learning just what these men are all about and how they think. Let me tell you it has nothing to do EVER, when they are at this type of behavior, with them staying because of love. If they stay it is out of convenience, or even something freakier, not love or respect.
Both of these things are the reason why most women Marry in the first place. I’m not sure how to function without being miserable FOR a life with Somebdy by your side , who you have to see daily , who you know doesn’t actually value you as their love, but for a more insidious base reason.
suzieSeptember 2nd, 2016 at 7:00 AM
AMEN to that. It doesn’t matter what we have done that they perceive as justification for cheating. I will never accept responsibility for his infidelity. He could of talked to me or he could of left me. But to cheat on me and destroy me, that is cruel and selfish, and a choice he made all by himself. So he can carry the responsibility by himself
lucylooNovember 29th, 2016 at 6:50 PM
My husband told me that “I drove him to an affair”, by not paying enough attention to him. It appears that I was not giving him the affirmation that he needed, as a man. The reason for my not “supporting his ego”; he is an alcoholic who loves to get smashed in bars; which is where he met the “woman” who he had sex with. Anyway, as soon as a found out, he ended it; but now, according to him, I should be “over that by now!” (8 months later) I’m not over it. And he still goes to bars and drinks til he blacks out!! AA- out of the question because he doesn’t have a problem, according to him. He only drinks in bars!!!
AngieDecember 3rd, 2016 at 5:40 AM
This kind of thinking perpetuates the double standard that men cheat and it’s ok but women shouldn’t. I decided to stay in my marriage, I love him and don’t want my kids lives torn apart. But I struggle daily with the fact that our values don’t match, that I really don’t know him and constantly waiting for the next time, because I stayed and send the message that it’s ok.
TylerJuly 18th, 2012 at 4:30 AM
If you can’t get over them, then maybe this is your way of trying to tell yourself something.
If the marriage is worth saving, then you will want to save it and go through all of the motions, both of you together, to make that happen.
When you are at the point though, where you can’t move on, you can’t find it is you to forgive and move on, then maybe that is your answer right there. Perhaps the marriage was over before you even found out about the affairs, and the healthies thing to do at that point would be to put an end to it. That’s the only way that you can then allow yourself to move on and find joy in life again.
Dr. Lynn SomersteinJuly 19th, 2012 at 6:57 PM
This letter was written by a woman whose husband was the cheater, but women can be cheaters too. I wish that gender hadn’t been mentioned at all. Sometimes I try to avoid gender specific words so I can find the underlying energy and universality of people’s stories and their meanings.
Most people react with shock and disbelief when they find out that their loved one is cheating, but in all things, the individuals involved and their personal feelings dictate what happens next. There is no one right answer.
Holding on to anger is different than living through it, of course, and has unhealthy consequences.
How wonderful to read these many different reactions and opinions. Thank you.
TMcCoyOctober 14th, 2016 at 8:51 AM
I have been married for 1.5 years to my husband. We have a blended family of 7 kids our youngest 1.5 with special medical needs. My husband cheated one me when we first moved intogether (prior to being married) i love him and believe in 2nd chances. 2nd time he cheated i found out I was pregnant with our now 1.5 year old. so I gave another chance. We married before I delivered our son. It has been hard to trust him. he stays at home with our special medical needs son and I work. I recently discovered he sells drugs on the side (weed). I knew he smoked it from beginning. But this was new. I have struggled with my emotions of what to do. He will not stop. He will not go to therapy with me. I go to therapy alone. He is a charismatic guy that everyone falls in love with due to his personality. But I have paranoid trust issues and recently found out he gets high while taking care of the baby. With 7 children involved it is so stressy. He ex already has him in contempt of child support becasue he is so far behind. But when the baby needed a caregiver after Children hospital, he chose to leave his job since I make double and him and carry insurance. We are currently discussing divorce. I admit I have become more paranoid and psychotic as he says, over him possibly cheating and to stop the drug sells and use especially around the baby . I dont see how I can love someone so much that puts my family at so much risk!!! I know I need to make him leave and file for D. But my emotions and heartbreak is so strong! Help!
Lynn SomersteinOctober 14th, 2016 at 12:53 PM
You are in a terrible situation, and I’m glad to hear that you have a therapist who will help you sort things out. Don’t give up! This will take time to straighten out.
RochelleJuly 23rd, 2012 at 3:00 PM
I think the question here is how to heal from the hurt (or, get over the anger). It’s certainly not easy and may not happen even after leaving the relationship.
Such a deep betrayal of trust, vows, committment and love is hard to recover from but not impossible. With the right guidance and enough support, reclaiming ones own life and taking anger by its horns is possible
Lynn SomersteinJuly 23rd, 2012 at 7:26 PM
You’re right, recovering from a betrayal takes a lot of wisdom and energy, whether the relationship continues or does not–but remaining embroiled is a life spoiler. First up- take good care of yourself; after that you can deal with others.
Thanks for your comments.
Jake UntespeckAugust 4th, 2012 at 4:40 AM
My problem in this situation wold not be recovering from it, it would be trust going forward. Cheating and making it back the first time, OK everyone deserves a second chance.
Catching the person a second time, I would simply be looking for when would we get the third time to occur?
Lynn SomersteinAugust 5th, 2012 at 4:21 PM
Hi Jake- Well said- I think that’s exactly what many people would wonder.
CarrieAugust 15th, 2012 at 6:54 AM
When the affair is first discovered the pain is deep and it shatters your world. I suffered through trying to keep the marriage together for 10 years and then one day realized that I was doing all the work, and what I was doing wasn’t working. I was attending counselling and I was working hard…but marriage requires the input of two willing participants. I knew it was time to crave out a different life. I think my husband was shocked that I had come to this decision and made all types of promises if I would stay..but I knew in my heart that I had tried my best and that it was time to move on. The anger, diappointment and fear were all gone, and I had found hope and faith in myself. That was 12 years ago and I am a much stronger person now. I learned so much from my failed marriage. I am a better person, a better mother, a better boss and a better wife (yes I found a wonderful man much better suited to me….I learned what I didn’t want and what I did want). I have never felt better or happier. I am on good terms with my ex-husband which is so important for your childrens sake and still see his family frequently. We just attended our daughter’s University graduation together and were able to share in her joy and remember the good times that we had shared as a family. I think because I let go of the anger it helped me move through the divorce with clearer thinking. As for my ex-husband he has had another failed marriage and a string of failed relationships. He seems sad and lonely. I guess I should feel that he got what he deserved, but really I think he just didn’t open himself up to learn anything from the experience. He didn’t open himself up to grow or learn.
CharmaineAugust 26th, 2016 at 1:03 AM
This may not be the answer you are seeking sister, but here goes. GET RID OF THE WORTHLESS PIECE OF TRASH! How dare he! From your letter it seems that you did all the right things. So did I! There are those out there that have an inbuilt radar for finding and preying on those who are genuinely good faithful giving people. Regardless of gender. I’ve held on to my anger. I refuse to let it go. It makes me aware. Keeps my heart safe. It does NOT prejudice any other person I meet. If you are the good person younseem to be it will not colour how you perceive the next man. So get rid of him. He had ZERO regard for you, your feelings, your self worth and esteem or the damage it has done to you for the future. You deserve better so pick yourself up? AND BE YOUR OWN ROCK! Good luck honey. You qre not to blame for anything. There are better and more constructive wqys to sort out whatever problem caised him to make this grave mistake.
Lynn SomersteinAugust 15th, 2012 at 12:36 PM
Carrie, Your generous spirit and mature thinking shine through your letter- your story is an inspiration; you show what can happen to our lives when we work something through and change not just a relationship but an entire way of being.
Hats off to you! Your have taken good care of yourself and your children and found your way to the life that you deserve,
Josie MajcherSeptember 8th, 2012 at 7:33 PM
I have discovered my husband has been having a sexting affair with my best friend. I am starting the anger phase. I am also empty nesting: 2 away at college and one 15 year old left here at home. He says he now knows that sexting is wrong—but he sent pictures of himself and texted that he loved her and wanted to meet after his volleyball game. I am a lost woman trying to find herself. I was a stay at home mom who worked week ends, volunteered when the kids were younger. Yes, i feel devasted—I did not know anything was wrong. I have begun to pedal my bike, started yoga, lost 77 pounds, am taking lessons to learn to play sand volleyball—they are free, I am looking for a job. He makes too much money for free counseling and we live pay check to pay check, so I am trying to do this “recovery” on my own. I am happy I can vent here and read that I am NOT alone. Thank you —-for “listening” it helps too.
TedSeptember 9th, 2012 at 9:29 PM
Affairs are what you get when you marry the good looking succesful guy with the big bucks. Women have no interest in a nice guy who treats them well. They want the big house, The fancy car. The exotic vacations and in the end they get what they deserve. No sympathy here.
JessJuly 16th, 2016 at 4:44 AM
Hi Sam, I can relate to your story. My partner also wouldnt admit therefore never apologized for having an affair. I cann’t move on after year and a half and I am very afraid my faith in my marriage is fading away. All I wanted was a solid explanation of what happened and him to say full heartedly sorry and slso his promise not to make me to go through this then I couldve moved on but he avoids having a proper chat with me so I am close to calling it out. Yes kids involved in our marriage hence it is so hard to call it out. He isnt the caring father if he was to have fair share of custody of the children. What do you do when he doesnt admit?
BinxJuly 30th, 2016 at 9:41 AM
Wrong.. My husband had absolutely nothing when I met him and called himself a “nice” guy. Together we built a life together. All was great in the beginning. I gave him everything I had. I appreciated him, loved him and told him how proud I was of him. He still screwed me over. This is the biggest bunch of crap I have ever heard. If any person is wanting to cheat, they are going to cheat no matter how much money they have.
FrancescaSeptember 17th, 2012 at 2:48 PM
My husband has been carrying on an affair with an old flame for three years and the extent of the betrayal has only recently become clear to me/ I can’t imagine letting go but feel I must and I don’t know how. My emotions veer all over the place, fear replaced by anger, by despair, humiliation, envy, self-hatred.
ElaineDecember 22nd, 2016 at 10:23 AM
My husband had a cheating problem from the start of our relationship, always saying it was because I didn’t want to have sex enough for him. We have 3 children ( all over age 21 now) I recently caught him cheating again, with random people that he paid for sexual services. He says he did it because he wanted to lay there and do nothing for the other person, the female would satisfy him, take her money and leave. He saI’d ” it’s not like I was in a relationship with someone else”. I am also in complete shock, not so much about the cheating but about his lack of compassion for another person in what I consider to be an act of love, and intimacy between two people who care for each other. I’m so torn about what to do. I have hear all of the empty promises about counseling, chaging. Working on it. It’s been three months since I caught him, he went to one counseling appointment and will not go back. He says he knows he’s selfish and that he needs to work on it, but I’m not seeing anything. I have a war between my mind and my heart, I love him, but I don’t love myself for allowing this to occur over and over. I feel like I need to leave but then I feel scared, hurt, confused, worthless, stupid…etc. when you feel this way it’s hard to move forward, it hard to see anything past the hurt and betrayal. You wonder if you are good enough for anyone to treat you respectably, to be honest with you, to be faithful to you. The fear of the unknown is nearly paralyzing, some days I feel it’s safe to stay here because I know what to expect. Other days, I can’t stand to be within 10 feet of our home. The whirl wind of emotions is debilitating. We have 25 + years into this. There are some many things to consider, I want to put myself first and think of my happiness as well as my emotional and physicall well being but I can’t seem to focus on that. To hear him say…and I quote ” it’s a chore to have to pleasure, kiss, hug, or cuddle you” just broke me. How do you fix broken? I have never been so broken.
Dr. Lynn SomersteinSeptember 21st, 2012 at 5:23 PM
JOsie- you sound like you have a plan- a good one. Sometimes you can find low cost therapy, which would help too. I salute your fabulous progress.
Dr. Lynn SomersteinSeptember 21st, 2012 at 5:24 PM
You sound like you’ve had some tough experiences of your own, but, take it from me, not all women go for the big bucks.
Take care, thanks for writing,
Dr. Lynn SomersteinSeptember 21st, 2012 at 5:25 PM
Francesca, it’s so hard to realize something like this. If might help to talk things out with a professional, who will help you get over your fears and self hatred.
My heart goes with you.
EricaOctober 3rd, 2012 at 12:24 PM
My husband has been having an affair for 21 months now with a married woman who he dated 20 yrs ago, he claims he never loved me, he is angry at me, and blames everything on me. I love him dearly, but he will not respect me or our marriage as this is his second affair. I have been alone for almost two years, just working on my own personal growth, the only reason I am not angry anymore, but he will not grow up, we still have a son to raise who is going through hell because his dad is not the dad he used to have. How can I help my husband to just have a working relationship with me for our child? My child and myself are in counseling while he screams obsenity’s at me in divorce court.
LucyOctober 9th, 2012 at 4:09 AM
My spouse was involved in $300.00-$500.00 a month of porno from pay per view and rented videos. During this time and before I was literally begging him to be intimate with me and tried many self improvements to hopefully help my plot. When I confronted him hed said he was glad I found out. To my knowledge he stopped the “viewings.” I felt so betrayed,enraged, and confused. I still am and that was 5 years ago. We sleep in different rooms and hardly ever are intimate and I feel nothing. I have been seekinng therapy and am getting nowhere. I have resumed the habit of cutting my feet. Sometimes I spend hours doing this. I need help. Thanks!
KellyOctober 18th, 2012 at 3:01 PM
My experience is similar to others mentioned. My husband has cheated on me several times. One of these incidents reulted in a child that is between my children in age. How embarrassing!! We’re still married but like one of the other respondents I constantly resist the urge to try and catch him; it is as if I am just waiting for it to happen again.
I have tried to get past it, but I haven’t been able to truly put it all behind me. We have a decent life, but I feel very unfulfilled.
I am not anxious to leave the marriage because of my children, but at the same time, I’m not sure I can keep going like this either. I am encouraged by Carrie’s story and Josie’s story.
Thank you for this space.
ReginaOctober 22nd, 2012 at 12:36 AM
I am so happy to hear so many comments from women’s past experience. I just found out my husband is having an affair with a gal half my age. We stop intimating since 4 years ago but his excuse was he was getting old and not interested in sex. Now I know the truth so I feel betrayed, hurted and devasted. I confront him and he says he will end it, but do you think I can trust him to do so? I saw their texts they called each other husband and wife. I have 3 abnormal children and2 grandchilren. We have been very happy together because although he had had been cheating on me, he treat me and the family well. Please help me. I love him and this family too much to get a divorce to destroy this family.
VanessaNovember 18th, 2012 at 6:50 AM
Once TRUST is lost due to cheating on ANY level, it is the most difficult thing to get back especially in a LOVE relationship. It is a VIOLATION of the heart towards the person, you say, You love. Love is a GIFT. When we take vows before MEN and in the PRESENCE of God, it should mean somthing and be taken seriously. I recently had a situation occur that I found devastated to learn about infidelity. When a man or a woman CHEATS, it like being a criminal of the heart and dangerous. A man cheating whose wife was unaware of his EXTENSIVE cheating with MANY and various women, including strippers, co-workers, you name it ( any woman with a vagina who he found attractive) was subjective his wife to HIV/AIDS without little regards to her feelings and well-being. How can we justify or condon this kind of activity in a relationship when it encompasses so much more. Be a man or a woman and not a coward. If the marriage is over, get out legally and rightfully. If it is worth saving, BREAK all ties and don’t put yourself in a compromising position with someone outside your marriage. It is ALL about choice and desire. As for cyberspace cheating, GET SOME HELP, because those images will not be there when you need a helping and loving hand to help through sickness and other personal challenges WHEN your wife leaves you.
lornaNovember 20th, 2012 at 1:06 AM
My husband cheated with my best friend and had a son 3months younger than my son this was the 2nd time I found out he always bring his girlfriends home and the first one was his collegue at work where he even admitted having sex in the office now he is retired an I work on his nerves her can even support or want to acknoledge that son that look identical to him I still stay with him but hate every minute of my life I feel like commiting suicide he even insist on me going to church with him and dressing a certain way not cutting my hair no pants and tell me I am to fat
Lynn SomersteinNovember 22nd, 2012 at 9:14 AM
Reading your letters, filled with pain, rage, and the shameful feelings that often arise when feeling betrayed, I would like to give especial comfort today. It is Thanksgiving Day, which may feel especially difficult,and it may be real hard to feel thankful for anything.
I salute your courage, and wish you warmth, comfort and peace.
KayNovember 26th, 2012 at 9:19 PM
In september this yr i discovered my husband was exchanging a ton of texts with a woman he claims she wanted him but he says he didnt. I found it hard to believe, was so sad and hurt but forgave and let it go. A week ago I discovered he started chatting and flirting with another girl on facebook and this really devastated me. Im 4 months pregnant and i felt like he was showing his true colors. He appologized sunday and cried to me saying he cant live without me only to go back and continue chatting with her tuesday and flirting even more with dirty talk. I left the house for 3 days then returned… We sleep in different rooms now… We have been married a year and half, he has been so sweet to me but its things like this that make me feel like im married to a careless stupid man. He says im the perfect wife, i wonder what makes him do this. We had other issues already like his extremely poor or non existant communication skills… Now im wondering if it is the end or should we consider counseling. I dont know what counseling would do with him, he is annoyed with questions and simply blvs he should be forgiven. please share your wisdom with me. He is not even trying to reach out to me and see how I’m doing or feeling…. I tried discussing things tonite and he more or less I made a mistake, sorry, get over it. I told him that was not enough. What does this mean?
VanessaNovember 27th, 2012 at 5:30 AM
Kay, I read your text and my HEART goes out to you. Your husband sounds like a selfish NARCISSITIC. He has no empathy for you even while you are carrying HIS child. My advice to you is seek professional counseling and resources outside your husband to become stronger and have on hand, just in case, you may have to leave him to raise your child on your own. Men who seek pleasure and connect to other women outside their marriages have SERIOUS personal problems and we as women stay too long in bad relationships, even with children. We get caught up in their web of lies and deception and in the mean time, our years and youth slip by, without realizing that is our ticket to a better life and man. If he does not go for help, you need to consider other options for yourself and child. I pray you have the courage and find the right one. Thanks for sharing.
Lynn SomersteinNovember 27th, 2012 at 5:50 AM
How awful– betrayed, repeatedly, when you’re pregnant. I think marital counselling is worth a try– but it will be difficult when one partner has difficulty communicating. I also recommend that you find a counselor to work with individually, who will help and support you in this difficult time, which is even harder to bear during this holiday season.
Take care, good luck, my thoughts go with you.
MiaDecember 12th, 2012 at 9:58 PM
Anger, Pain, and those repeated words of “the past is the past” and “why do you keep bringing it up like its going to change anything?” Why is it seem like I am the one who wants to argue just because I can’t forgive. Forgiveness don’t just complete itself overnight, right after the words escaped your mouth. But just because I can’t control the daily attacks of heartache and shed tears uncontrollably doesn’t make me the bad person who intentionally tries to initiate arguments. How can forgive when I’ve sacrificed so much… I haven’t stopped crying since last December until now. How can I not be angry? Being only 22, married for just 3 years to someone who threw me out the house with an excuse of wanting to be single but only to cheat on me with a minor for almost a year… How can I not be angry when I been depressed enough to screw up in college and went through a miscarriage. Tell me… How can I forgive?… How can I move on when I love this person for more than a quarter of my own life? I want to forgive, I want to not be angry, and I want to get out of depression. I want to love again but I am just so ANGRY. Help me, someone, anyone…
PoshyDecember 24th, 2012 at 5:42 AM
I know were u come from my problem exactly as yours I bottle up a lot and when I burst things go mad. Speak to a friend your mom someone close to you and see how it goes tell him how you feel don’t bottle up your emotions it will kill you inside
Hope this helps!!
Lynn SomersteinDecember 13th, 2012 at 12:04 PM
Mia, your hurt is so deep. You write that you are angry, resentful, and terribly depressed, suffering an overload of pain that needs someone’s help to make it bearable; you simply can’t carry it all by yourself.Is there a way that you can find that someone? Perhaps a trusted friend or relative, better yet- perhaps a counselor who has experience helping people with these issues.
Lynn SomersteinDecember 24th, 2012 at 8:31 AM
Well said, Poshy! Thank you.
JeffDecember 27th, 2012 at 8:09 AM
I’m the one who cheated, with someone from my past, at a time when I was losing my job. I knew it was wrong, I felt horrible, especially knowing how hard my partner was taking it. In October I cut off all ties with the person I cheated with, and I want to do all I can to make up for this. I’ve treated my partner royally, and on many levels he has responded positively. But on Christmas things fell apart, and it’s clear that under the surface his emotions are still raw. He seems to want some “magic answer” as to why I did what I did, and I don’t have one. He wants me to get counseling, but I think he’s the one who could use it (or both of us together, which I’ve suggested). He doesn’t seem able to get past a certain point with this. and I don’t know what I can do to help him. I definitely want to stay with him.
Lynn SomersteinDecember 27th, 2012 at 10:37 AM
How sad. Although it’s neither an excuse nor a reason, losing your job can provide an unconscious push towards infidelity, as though the excitement of the new relationship provides an antidote to the depressed feelings that come with being out of work. It’s not, of course, it makes everything worse instead, as you know.
How about couples counseling to help you stay together? And if the counselor recommends individual treatment for either or both of you that’s not a bad idea either.
I wish you both calm, love and satisfaction in the new year.
Audrey ChambersJanuary 7th, 2013 at 11:36 AM
Wow, I am so sorry that I can empathasize but that’s the truth. Adultery, like death is something you get through but never get over…. I have been married for 28 years and a christian. I hate hypocrisy and liars 2 things that follow cheating but I ended up marrying what I hate the most. I found out 11 years ago and the result is that I do not love my husband. I am clinically depressed and am now just on medication. My husband tries but he has no clue what to do, what to say, or how to function around me, so he just avoids the situation. I am unemployed but I bellieve that is God for if I were working I am so gone. Ladies, you deserve so much more, you are not to blame so be fabulous, eat drink and be merry. There will come a day of reaping. Be blessed.
BSNovember 29th, 2016 at 2:57 PM
Well said Audrey and very true. I also know that deep down in my heart, that I don’t love my husband (at least not anymore). How can I respond with affection to someone who cheats every year with different women. He meets some of them on Facebook, even at his work! I don’t even dare visit him at his work cos I believe that I would be making a fool out of myself. I’m Christian too and the only counselling I’ve received is that God doesn’t want a divorce. The issue with this, is that I am suffering in silence as a result. I have no genuine ,neutral person to talk to. I can’t cry anymore cos it sees like a sign of weakness or lack of faith. Yet, in reality, I am in pain(emotionally ) to such an extent that I’m now clinically depressed. I’m tired of talks/teachings about how to pray for your husband, how to treat him well so that he won’t cheat (I’ve done it all….wifey do’s and don’ts) and it has failed. Trust is long gone. I resent this man. I have become paranoid and have concluded that there is no true love at all. He never said sorry last month when I discovered his affairs on his phone (exchanged messages ,including their meeting times), instead he said I brought it upon myself by going through his phone, so I deserve it. In summary, after only 4 years of marriage, I foresee a divorce looming.
LoriJanuary 16th, 2013 at 2:05 PM
My husband is having his second affair. I found out myself both times. I’m trying to learn to smile again. Maybe it’s for the best, who knows. My marriage is over, but I truly hope we can be somewhat civil towards each other. I do not trust him anymore as my husband but maybe as my friend. I don’t know. I think he is a coward though. Maybe there is a new life out there for me. I do have to take care of myself now. That’s has to be the first thing to do. Thanks and Good Luck to all the broken hearts out there. Please remember no man or woman is ever worth ending you life over! God Bless and be strong.
JayneJanuary 16th, 2013 at 4:47 PM
I have been married for just over 3 years, and was previously married for over 20 years. I thought my current husband and I were soulmates as we had so much in common and he was the person I had been looking for all my life. Things went wrong before we married, but hoped things would get better. I found out that his life is full of lies and contradictions. Now I am not here to run him down, or say all men are the same. But just short of 2 years ago, we decided to move away from all the family as we were experiencing interference from both of our previous families, which was causing us to fight and argue. The day after we moved, we argued and my husband walked out, and got on a plane to go back to where he was born, a long way to go for a holiday.
Communication was poor in the early days, but eventually I went to visit him and have moved to where he was born. A month after arriving he left his Facebook account open after getting very drunk, he had been exchanging mails with an exgirlfriend and were very explicit. I found out that he had cheated on me prior to leaving months before; and had told her of his plans to move abroad and that our marriage was over. This was the same man who from returning from his trip with his ill mate, had met me from work and cooked me a meal and told me how much he loved me.
I am now in a place that is alien to me, no money as I used all my savings to get a visa and ship stuff here, left my family and friends behind. I have managed to get a casual job, but money is tight and I still have a credit card bill to clear, as I had to have medical treatment not long after getting here, which was so expensive.
So here I am today wondering what the hell am I doing? He says he is sorry and that he loves me, but the trust is long gone and I never know if he is telling the truth or not. The sad thing is I love him, but why? Why can’t I switch that one thing off. I will spend another 12 hours alone today, thinking about what I should be doing, as hes gone to work. I am off today and don’t know many people and emigrating to a place so far away and the time difference is taking its toll :( I know its not all about him, but really need some sound advice.
Mary BethFebruary 17th, 2013 at 6:41 PM
My husband had n affair 23 yrs ago. I still can’t get over it. He’s very remorseful. I forgave him but can’t forgive him. I torment myself with the day I found out. It happened over Christmas and he told me he would let me know In a month if he would stay with me or her. We were married at the time for 15 yrs. I remember every word that was said. I also am obsessed with knowing what the mistress is up to. She remarried and has a 16 yr. and turned very religious. I would love to let her know how miserable I feel, while she is having her wonderful little life. I am seeing a therapist next week.
LacJanuary 15th, 2014 at 2:47 PM
Mary Beth-I am in the same place! I found out my husband was having an affair two years ago with my best friend. My husband and I have worked through it, and in some ways stills are. What haunts me is the mistress/best friend. We moved away from the area about 6 months ago and I am obsessed with the her. She and her husband have since separated. I was seeing a therapist but haven’t found one that works for me since we moved. Any advice to stop letting her come between us, psychologically, is appreciated.
RMay 24th, 2013 at 5:33 PM
In the first 6 yrs of our marraige my husband used to hit me, he was very jealous and possive, he would listen to people telling lies about me and come home and hit me. I fould out about a girl the day before my baby shower, when i was pregnant with my second child. IThey never had sex but she called my phone til 4in the morning harassing me. I forgave hime, but he ended up accepting her her FR on Facebook…they was another incident when another girl called my phone saying that he was in luv with her, i recorded it and had him listen and he cussed her out. This was 6yrs ago…I ended up forgiving him and put it behind me. He ended up hitting me again up until a 1yr ago….last yr,,I found out on my daughters 5th bday, that he had sleep with her March 2012, the same girl that called my phone saying he was in love with him….I knew this girl, she is from my home hometown which is very small. Thw night that it happen i felt somthing was wrong, my stomach was in knots and when i woke up at 6am, he wasnt home yet. The next day she posted it on Facebook and my friends and family seen. After it came out i wrnt into depression, started drinking heavy and ended up get pacrantis…he hasnt changed, as far i know he hasnt seen her since, but its been a yr and i cant get over it, im embarassed, and ashamed the 1 person i asked him not to sleep with and stay away was the person he slept with..Ive put up with alot from him,but i ready to leave Im having a hard time forfiving him, and frankly I dont think he deserves it. Tired, unhappy, hurt
RMay 24th, 2013 at 5:34 PM
Oh we’ve been married for 10yrs now. I turned 30 last yr, and this was an eye opener
RMay 24th, 2013 at 5:35 PM
Excuse the typos, I’m upset.
Lynn SomersteinMay 25th, 2013 at 10:39 AM
Dear R- Perhaps you should find a women’s group or women’s shelter where you can find help and safety for yourself and your children. This could be a dangerous situation.
louJune 2nd, 2013 at 7:01 PM
The day After Mothers Day 2013, I got into a huge argument with my brother involving his fiance. My husband came home and tried to comfort me, but I was so upset i told him i didn’t want him to touch me or talk to me. It must’ve lasted the whole day.
anyway, im a stay at home mother and 7 months pregnant with his child and we also have 5&6 year old boys and he tells me its over. He wants a divorce. He doesn’t love me and that I’ve pushed him far enough to where its really over. I was so emotional for that whole week, crying and feeling torn. It was like a bad nightmare for me. He stayed out later after work then came home and comforted me, kissing, hugging, loving. It felt good but I felt worse because I knew he was doing it only because I was pregnant.
Then days later he came home drunk and he passed out. I went through his phone and found pictures of him and another female kissing. I found text messages from other females and confronted him about it. I was devastated and felt like dying. More tears and sleepless nights came. We still slept with each other knowing that he betrayed me. He told me he was in it for our kids. That he never loved me. He was saying more hurtful things. It was like another side of him that I’ve never seen. I couldn’t take it anymore. He said that affair has been going on for a while. I asked him to go to counseling with me, but he said no. He doesn’t want me. He doesn’t love me. He wanted the divorce. So we both talked to our 6 year old about mommy and daddy had to take some time apart from each other. My husband then tells my son more than my son should know, that it was because of the lady he likes and that my son thinks he’d like her. That he’s planning to move in with her or her with him. It was too much information for my son to take. I was so upset with that.
So on the 23rd of may, I told him I was going to move out of our apartment and that I was taking the kids with me to move to my moms. He said he will leave but I couldn’t afford to live there with the kids, so I left.
We both agreed that the kids will be with him on Saturdays and back on Sundays. Then I find out that the female he is having a affair with moves in the following week after I moved out and that he wanted to introduce our kids to her and her kids 12 & 14 plus a 7month old baby. I asked to meet with my husband and his mistress the day before that Saturday my kids had to go visit. It was emotional for me as I had a lot of questions for the both of them. I told them that it was wrong for both of them to be moving so fast. I wasn’t comfortable of the fact that my husband would bring another female into my kids life so quickly. I told him he can still visit with his kids, just that he needs to be the only one around them until they can feel more comfortable with everything that’s been going on with us. Saturday came and he never called or emailed to let me know he wasn’t coming.
right now, even though im not quite ready to file or sign divorce papers, I will be consulting with a family facilitator to see what my legal rights and options are. i just want my life back to normal. I need to be strong for my kids and unborn child. And pray to god that I will endure the pain putting my faith in him.
LisaJune 29th, 2013 at 9:32 AM
Asher, seriously, the wronged spouse is not responsible in any way for the cheaters decision to cheat. The wronged person may share responsibility for any troubles in the marriage, but the decision to cheat is ALL on the cheater.
Yes, we’ve all made mistakes in life and, ideally, we repent, atone for them and are forgiven. This bs of ‘just get over it’ does not help at all, especially if it’s the cheater who’s saying it. The key to being forgiven is actually repenting. If at any point the words ‘just get over it’ are spoken, I seriously doubt true repentance has occurred. How arrogant does a person have to be to cheat and then expect his or her partner to ‘just get over it’? And if someone on the outside of the relationship says it, they obviously don’t understand the depth of the betrayal that has occurred.
Dr. Lynn SomersteinJune 29th, 2013 at 11:40 AM
Well said, Lisa! Thank you.
CindyJune 29th, 2013 at 10:07 PM
My husband told me he was having an affair one morning in Jan 2012. He told me that it had been physical for about 7 months and that it was with someone from work. I have been devastated since. We just had a fight tonight over it, its been 1 1/2 years since it ended, but i cant get over it. I still dont know how this couldve happened behind my back, or how my husband could have done this to me. I hope one day I can move past this, because this is a living hell.
WacoldJuly 5th, 2013 at 9:35 AM
Cindy I get where you are. My husband has an affair and I found out May 8 2012. I am mostly over it as far as the intrusive thoughts and paralyzing pain. I still think about it daily it is just not so intense or long lasting. I do at times feel twinges of anger and almost hate if I’m being honest. When that happens I choose to look at what I have now and how far we have come. There is no doubt us as the betrayed spouse come out on the loosing end in many ways after infidelity but you can grow so much as a person and therefore come out ahead in the long run.
I had to ask myself what was it that was keeping me from letting it go and what I finally heard was “your ego”. It cost me the way I saw myself through his eyes and I also had to look at my own imperfections. If you can understand it was not about you at all but about how he felt about himself and insecurities. Women today tend to beat our husbands down until they feel they can not win with us or make us happy so they go to a women where they can do those things as well as get appreciated and adored. So really in getting over infidelity I had to get over myself
nicoleAugust 5th, 2013 at 7:07 AM
I have been married to my husband for 16 years. We have 3 kids. I discovered a year and a half ago that he has been having an affair for the last 7 year, which resulting in them having a kid who is now 5. I only discovered this info because he butt called me while he was at her house. I felt the ultimate betrayal. He lied and betrayed me for years thinking he would NEVER get caught. He was very smooth because I didn’t notice nothing out of the ordinary. He came home every night, granted I’m sure there were signs I just didn’t see them or didn’t want to see them because he knew I trusted him so much. None the les, for the sake of the kids, time invested and above above all the love I had for him I stayed to work on my marriage. Fast forward to now. I discovered that he is still messing with that women, I found out that he took the other family on a weekend vacation. So I feel like after he begged n pleaded for us to stay together n work it out, it was all in vein, because he always new he wasn’t going to just cut it off after all they been messing around for years and have a child. I should have known better. With the second slap in the face I decided to call it quits. I cannot stand around like a fool and wait for the 3rd slap. I am tore to pieces over this mess. But I have to stand firm on the word of God that this too shall pass and that he will supply all my needs. I am about to step out on faith and embark on a new journey. I don’t know how it will end all I know is I have to start somewhere.
KOctober 19th, 2013 at 7:28 PM
I understand what you are all going through and share your pain. Especially the respondents who speak about intrusive thoughts and the loss of joy. I too have the same story, but my goal here is to let you know you are not alone. Please keep fighting.
Cathy mc GilliganFebruary 12th, 2014 at 5:39 AM
januJanuary 7th, 2014 at 3:42 PM
I have the same problem but my husband had physical affair with gals before our wedding,now after wedding he looks trustworthy but not sure how long he is going to be the same, im unable to get over his past physical affairs with the gals because i had none, having gf/bf is common but virginity is the limit . Its been one year we are married and still i cant control my anger when i get reminded of his sexual relationships with others. i start crying when i get recollected about his affairs. In the past one year our sexual life was worst, we hardly engaged 10 -12 times in one year. this developed more frustration in me thinking that he had sex with them but not his wife? im so depressed sometimes that i feel like i shouldnt live anymore but the same time he cools me down.
My question is how to get over his past sexual affairs? i know he has changed my im not sure how long he is going to be the same.
RosieJanuary 9th, 2014 at 3:00 AM
If you hold on to the past it will destroy you yOu need to find strength in moving forward . You are married now so you need to trust that he loves you and won’t Cheat . I’ve been married for 27 years the last 5 years have been hell ny husband cheated it takes everything I have to move forward but you need faith and trust if you don’t there isn’t any point . But at the same time believe in yourself and your gut instinct I did . Good luck don’t waste your life worrying in something that isn’t but live for what you have good luck
Cathy mc GilliganFebruary 6th, 2014 at 2:51 PM
Like me I have been married 23 years. Hubby had an affair which started jan 5 last year and I found out in July. Although it was over at this stage. It is killing me to the extent that I feel like taking my own life, if it weren’t for my 3 kids I would. It hurts so so bad. You see he is the nicest man you could meet. No one would ever believe what he has done. He is the perfect husband. Well up until now. I love him so so so much, and I know he loves me the same. We have cried together so many times in the last 8 mths. He just says he can’t understand why he did it. She sent me some of the details through Facebook which has just made a bad situation terribly worse. What am I going to do. My life seems to have ended, I cry every single day, can’t help it. He has been so supportive to me, I love him, but I am afraid I am only staying to make life easy.
Did you feel as bad as this??? Or I am over exaggerating. Will life ever get back to the way we were. That’s what we want but it’s me who all the problems in my head. Just wish god would come and take me, but what about my beautiful kids!!!!!!
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RosieMarch 22nd, 2014 at 8:31 AM
Hi Cathy your marriage will not be the same and why would it he had a affair so the marriage has to change hopefully there’s more communication which was what marriage lacked.you both need to make a effort in spending time together and hopefully bring you both closer. I still struggle but I try to put it in the back of my mind .i something put on sad music and allow myself to cry try not to hold your feelings otherwise it just eats away at you.you seem like a beautiful soul allow yourself to feel and except what you feel it’s ok .for me the other woman has just made contact after 5years so we deleted that account and I sometimes laugh and think what nerve this woman has as she put a restraining order on me 3 years ago but was denied .trust is a hard thing but we need to take it day by day do things that make you happy, you deserve it all my best in healing let me now how your going….
March 26th, 2014 at
Was nice to hear how your doing. My husband and I are working hard. I have to say he is putting so much work into our marriage to try and make things right. He honestly can’t believe he has done this to me. I know ho loves me, and I really love him and can’t imagine life without him. But it’s me. I’m the one who’s finding it so hard to get over this. You sound as though you are over the worse of it. Do you think that love can get us through this??? I really hope so. People like yourself give loads of hope. Thanks xx
RosieApril 8th, 2014 at 7:44 AM
Hi Cathy your husband is trying which is great my husband bends over backwards as well but I think thats because they feel guilt for the pain they have caused we need to be kind to ourselves don’t beat yourself for not getting over it as quickly as you would like its a huge blow to have to cope with a patner cheating .We need to be patient with ourselves but if you want to move forward you have to try to put it behind you .I believe i will never forget what his done but I am learning to accept it in order to move on .I believe people deserve a second change but be aware there will be no more chances I am a much stronger woman than ever before but in my heart I believe he will never stay as he nows what he has to loose which I think a lot of these men don’t relies when they cheat . We who have morals do it had in life!!!but I wouldn’t change.
Cathy mc GilliganJanuary 8th, 2014 at 10:43 AM
Omg I just can’t get over this affair. It happened in July and my husband is soo sorry for what he did. I really do mean he is really sorry. He had bent over backwards for me. He is such a good man, this is why I am still so shocked about what happened. He has had an awful lot of stress with work over the last year. I love him so much, and I know he loves me. He can’t believe he did this. O god he has done everything to make things better. All I want is to forget the sordid details that his mistress sent me through Facebook. I want my marriage of 20 years to work,but I really am having much trouble forgetting. We had a grt marriage, no rows, no money worries. He can’t believe he did this and crys regularly too.
HELP me please xxxxxxx it only lasted 7 mths, but it’s still so hurtful:((((
PamJanuary 19th, 2014 at 3:53 PM
He feels guilty. But he made the choice. He could have pushed her away and said “wait I am a married man, I need to work on my marriage.” He took a vow. Maybe he is afraid you will leave and take everything.
Cathy mc GilliganJanuary 25th, 2014 at 1:12 PM
:( I know what ur saying, but he really is truly sorry. He can’t do anything more to prove to me how sorry he is. He also said if I wanted him to,go, he would let me have the house and he would always provide for me and the kids. He is such a lovely man, this is why I am so shocked. It’s not his thing. He did have a awful lot so stress through work, and I know maybe think he was sick or something. It’s me who has the problem coming to terms with this, as we both want our marriage back the way it was. I don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel xx
March 5th, 2014 at
I totally agree with your comment. My husbands mistress sat two places along from me every week in same social circle. Started off as shoulder to cry on. She must ave been of low self esteem to need sumone elses man but its rocked me to the lowest eb. Ive no one to talk too as i lost my brst friend also as his mistress was her niece .
LisaAugust 9th, 2016 at 5:25 PM
I’m so sorry that the OW sent you info about the affair. When I hear this it makes me wonder how women can be so damn cruel. We are to support each other…not stab eachother in the heart…do men do this to one another? Not normally. I pray for your healing and that you can save your marriage. I am having a hard time dealing with my husband’s affair..we are working on our marriage…but it’s not so easy for me to forgive and move on. All I pray for…for women like that is to have the experience we have gone through…and maybe…just maybe…they will grow a heart.
EmmaOctober 3rd, 2017 at 4:01 AM
Reading your story is like reading my own life . I found out 2 months ago about my husbands affair . He told me and was a broken man . We are trying to recover but I am heart broken . I wonder how you are doing now and if there’s hope for me
PamJanuary 19th, 2014 at 3:50 PM
How do you start trusting again ? My husband had a four month affair with a co-worker. It has been two years and I still don’t trust him. I found out by her husband coming to our house. And he lied about only sleeping with her three times. But the trickle of truth, over three months, I found out he slept with her over 48 times. They met over lunch and went to a park. Her husband even told him to leave her alone. And they just couldn’t. My jib is very stressful and during the time my husband started this whole affair is when I didn’t pay him enough attention and she told him so much bs. I am amazed his head could even get through a door with so much bs.
The sad thing is I do love my husband, but is it enough to make out marriage work. I still look at his phone and email. It’s like I just can’t let it go. I am so afraid of getting hurt again.
BrookeJanuary 28th, 2014 at 6:55 PM
My husband and I will be married 5 years next week. We started having problems in 2010 when I had our daughter. I have a bad temper and would say some pretty crappy things to him. Last July he started apparently having feelings for a coworker and the first night he cheated he told me he was going to the casino and stayed at her house. I was 7 months pregnant at the time and was a surrogate. I found out because she sent him a I miss you text the next day. For 2 months after I found out he continued his affair behind my back and actually got her pregnant. He waited till after we planned a vow renewal ceremony and I had the baby to tell me. I am fighting like hell to not walk out she wants him to sign his rights over so her and her boyfriend can raise the baby. I am struggling so bad and I am in so much pain. How could he do this. He watched me literally fall apart and still kept seeing her. I don’t want to tear my family apart but I am not coping. He is swearing I know it all and there is nothing to hide and that he wants to make us work but I Don’t trust him at all. I want to move past the thoughts and images in my head but don’t know how.
Lynn SomersteinJanuary 29th, 2014 at 2:48 PM
Thanks very much for writing about your troubles. I advise you and your husband to seek marital therapy and see if you can straighten out your relationship, which seems to have gone off the tracks a bit when you became pregnant.
Good luck, and let me know how it goes.
BrookeJanuary 29th, 2014 at 8:35 PM
We actually started the day I found out. He did 2 months of it while still seeing her. We have been going for 6 months now. At the appt.today the Dr actually mentioned meds.
DesireeJanuary 29th, 2014 at 6:00 PM
Its been 5 years since my husband cheated on me,I used to be the most devout Christian believed that all things work to the good of those who love God, I never knew that this would happen to me. Im filled with hate realized that if I can feel this much hate toward that woman that I wish she were dead. she stole the essence of my marriage to a man ive known my whole life. i want what we had before and thats gone, If god were real I could never have fallen this deep into hate. i love my husband and i keep trying to pretend it never happened but every single time i look at my husband kiss him touch him hug him i may be smiling at him but i see them together i see her on her whore knees. Everyday i have to decide if I want to live today because i feel so much pain, I try to forgive i think i understand but then the pain rushes back because of the images in my head i need help i hate what ive become i hate who i am now im so broken
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GillMarch 5th, 2014 at 8:59 AM
I feel exactly the same and have turned the anger in overs the person whom i went to when i found out was a once good friend. My husband has been shagging her niece when i was ill in hospital. We live in a small village. And this aunt told everyone that it was a rumour. This infuriated me even more as she knew. The truth. But to defend her niece also defended my husband. I dont go out. Dont eat or sleep properly in fact. Its got me sucicidal also. I didnt just loose husband i lost friends social life the lot
admin2March 5th, 2014 at 9:16 AM
Thank you for your comment. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html
The GoodTherapy.org Team
GillMarch 5th, 2014 at 3:35 PM
How do i get in touch. With this help ?
GT SupportMarch 7th, 2014 at 10:11 AM
You can get in touch with help in the following ways:
• Call your local law enforcement agency (911);
• Go to the nearest hospital emergency room;
• Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 (TTY:1-800-799-4TTY)
• The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is equipped to take a wide range of calls, from immediate suicidal crisis to providing information about mental health. Call to speak with someone who cares; call if you feel you might be in danger of hurting yourself; call to find referrals to mental health services in your area; call to speak to a crisis worker about someone you’re concerned about.
Please know that if you are international the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline might not be able to help you, but you can still go to your local law enforcement agency, and go to your nearest hospital.
The GoodTherapy.org Team
AmandaFebruary 14th, 2014 at 7:57 AM
Im dealing with a similar thing. I caught my bf in a deep, blatant lie that he swore was for no good reason. But since Im not an idiot, I KNOW that if there were no reason, the lie would not have been told. He spent two days away from home under the guise of going to visit his son, and I found out that he had lied to both myself and his son about where he was going to be. Uggh.
He claims he just wanted to go hunting and thought that I would stop him. BS. He has been going hunting almost every hunting season weekend since we’ve been together and I have NEVER ONCE stopped him from going. Sure I’ve told him that I felt neglected and wished he would spend a weekend with me bc when he’s not hunting, he’s going to see his son and it would be good if he could just sacrifice a hunting weekend for me. But I never told him that he couldn’t and I didn’t put up a stone wall because he refused. So this story about lying to me because I would not have let him go was TOTAL BS.
He manipulated me because he KNOWS that I would never stop him from going to see his son, so he used that to go do whatever he wanted in secret thinking I would never find out. I guess he got tied up with his other woman and took too long to get to his son because his son called me confused on what time his dad would be there. Total shock for me, considering he had fabricated an entire story to me on the phone the night before about how he and his son were having a great time and even giving me details about what was going on.
This hurt me to the core. I have overlooked many lies that men (and he) has told and have made excuses for why they did tell the lie but this lie was pointless UNLESS HE WAS WITH ANOTHER WOMAN. That is the ONLY reason. I cannot trust him. How can I ever feel secure when he goes to see his son from this point on? I will NEVER EVER believe him. I don’t deserve to be paranoid and insecure about this relationship every weekend for the rest of my life. I’m not going to re-arrange my life just to cling by his side and supervise him either. I deserve a trusting relationship and for me to have that, this one has to end.
We discussed his lie and he denies cheating to no end (as all cheaters do) and thinks that he has gotten away with something. He apologized for lying. Just words that I cannot trust. No grand gesture of apologies (roses, card, counseling, etc…) to attempt to win my trust back. He refuses to sleep on the couch. He is smug. Expected me to be intimate with him the same night. Gross.
The thing is long before this revelation, he had been actively mistreating me. He seemed to do and say things to me that you wouldn’t do to a stranger, let alone someone you love. He really brought out the ugly in me. I felt like he was trying to make me fall out of love with him. And it worked. Good for me. I’ve stayed because 1.) I honestly thought the man that he was when we met would re-emerge and 2.) I’m not a quitter and I know you do have go through struggles in a relationship. But I do not consider cheating a struggle to get through. Cheating is means for termination. In my heart he cheated and that is that. There is no other reason for his massive lie. Plus this incident and all the ‘clues’ I’ve gotten in the past 4 yrs will serve as enough ‘evidence’ for me. I no longer require SOLID evidence, I know my limit. Blatant lies to cover up something you refuse to admit to lead to termination.
He doesn’t know it but I am planning my getaway. In about a week, he will come home to an empty house and I will be free. It’s alot easier for me to make this decision because I am not in love with him anymore and his massive lie allows me to throw in the towel without guilt. It also helps that when he first started mistreating me, I started saving in the event of it not working out.
Good move on my part and I encourage every woman to get her $$ together when he first starts changing for the worst. You’re probably not going to leave him right away but you need to take heed to his actions and start planning just in case, if you haven’t already. ESPECIALLY if you catch him cheating the first time and plan to stick it out. You KNOW there will be a second, third, fourth, and so on time (because he knows you will accept it, he’ll just be sneakier to not get caught), so start getting your funds in order so you won’t be trapped when you finally decide to get out.
OP, who says you wanting him to suffer isn’t healthy?! You ENFORCING that and causing physical harm to him isn’t healthy, but you have every right to FEEL like you want him to suffer as you have. You are human and you have emotions. Emotions that he TAMPERED with when he cheated. Acknowledge those feelings and your anger. It seems like you are still trying to give him the ultimate respect. You give him credit for doing everything he can and scold yourself for being snarky with him. He violated your marriage vows, you are allowed to cope with it and be angry. He doesn’t get to dictate to you how long you can be angry. A therapist will help you shorten the process.
Good luck. I hope it works out for the best. The fact that you are trying to make it work with him shows that you are a loving, supportive, forgiving person and you deserve that in return. I hope he can deliver. All the best.
AmandaFebruary 14th, 2014 at 8:05 AM
Also, I love what Lynn said about physical activity and meditating but her best advice is the counseling. Staying busy and journaling is great if you plan to divorce and are moving on as a single woman but as long as you share your space with him, these things will only be disrupted by his cheating face when he enters your space. Lynn is right, you need a therapist or someone to intervene and HELP you through those feelings. Also, you need to understand that since you two are still a unit, you can’t deal by only doing solo things alone.
AmandaFebruary 14th, 2014 at 9:21 AM
Another thing, when it comes to second chances, I don’t agree with how so many people are comfortable lumping cheating in with lying, laziness, rudeness, and legitimate mistakes. Second chances are GREAT. Fabulous to give to others and we all deserve one BUT there are some things where second chances shouldn’t be carelessly doled out. Cheating is one of them. I don’t agree with sticking around waiting for a second opportunity to be cheated on. A second chance is warranted if your hubby has yet again forgotten to pick up your son from baseball practice. If your hubby is screwing the little league coordinator, no second chances should be given. If the wife is caught venting and telling negative, intimate details about hubby to her girlfriends, she gets a second chance. If she is caught venting and telling negative, intimate details about hubby to her lover–no second chance.
I think when cheating victims offer second chances, it’s about denial and desperation. They fear that they won’t find happiness in the future and they cling to the relationship out of circumstance.
You’d be hard pressed to find a person who says to a battered woman (or man) to give the abuser a second chance. They’d say GET OUT! Cheating should be right up there with it. ESPECIALLY when they’re married. Another thing, unless your partner mistook your twin for yourself, cheating is not a ‘mistake’. It was a bad DECISION. Mistakes get second chances. Bad decisions that affect the trust & security in a relationship should not get second chances.
IMO, to say give a cheater a second chance, is to say ‘well if I cheated, I’d deserve a second chance.’ Nope. If I cheat, I do not deserve a second chance. If I deliberately strike up a romance with another person outside of my relationship, I have no right to expect forgiveness and I accept all consequences. It would be great if I was forgiven, but I wouldn’t expect it. Which is why I do not cheat.
There is such a thing as being too forgiving and the title usually refers to human doormats. Second chances are awesome but give them out for the right reasons and stop settling for mediocrity.
james ripplApril 11th, 2014 at 2:49 PM
Also she will not admit to everything about the affair time line wise or the drug use which she has been doing. It’s hard because I’ve done everything I’ve n needed to do for my boys n here she us saying I’m a bad father n trying to replace me with this guy in that manner also but she’s the one using drugs no job real lying on this 21 year old boy to take care of my children when I want them in my life but she is making that difficult like tiday I was supposed to get them but she canceled Cuz he didn’t want to use up his gas I didn’t ask her to move my kids over 100 miles away from where I don’t know where they are yet she treats me like the bad guy n everyone tells me not to get angry with her but my family is gone now n some stranger is with my children
DonMay 30th, 2014 at 5:03 AM
Have you ever thought the reason your husband is having an affair is because there is something missing in your marriage, possibly intimacy.
niimuraFebruary 22nd, 2014 at 11:18 PM
Im getting married in a week time. My fiancé is a nice guy who loves me so much, however it bothers me much that hes working with his ex gf who he mentioned he had sex with. I used to work with him, and the images still vivid in my mind on how he avoided me as his ex hated me. Subsequently, after we are together. His ex kept humiliating me infront people and through her fb. I’m hurt,and cried everyday of the hurtful words and how people at my work see me as. It hurt me more that he didn’t do anything. Im now transfered to different department.and im glad. However it still hurt that hes working with his ex. Moreover, im a virgin and hes the first. However, I kept thinking that I wasnt his first and cried feeling insecure that im not the one first whos able to please him. We’ve talked, however he just mentioned that whats past is the past. The words doesn’t mean anything as im the one feeling depressed and hurt over his actions. Im afraid that my mentality could end the marridge. How could I feel better?
stassieMay 14th, 2017 at 9:05 AM
I ve been married for 10 years and my hubby is a God servant, recently i found out that he was viewing photos of one girl in fb who happens to be his colleque and does stay together in the same campus where as i stay with my children in another place.. He hardly comes home and is eager to leave for work. We also started fighting a lot and am deeply hurt that he wants to keep working with her though i dont like it. We have a 7 year old son and im unable to leave him behind. What should i do ? Please help. I ran out of love and wants to move on.
LynnMay 14th, 2017 at 5:00 PM
I’m sorry to hear about your painful situation, and wonder if you might seek counseling with your husband to see if your marriage can be put back on track. Perhaps you could see a marriage counselor together.
Good luck and take care,
JenniferMarch 10th, 2014 at 3:01 PM
I recently found out that my husband of 2 years was having an affair when we got married that lasted over a month after we took our vows.
I had been suspicious that he had been having an affair with someone at his work recently, but he admitted to this earlier affair when I questioned him. He had love notes from a woman taped to the inside of his desk drawer.
He had previously cheated on me while we were dating. Also, he had been lying about financial issues. He hadn’t been paying our bills, to the point where our utilities and phones were getting shut off. I never saw his pay stubs, and had no idea how much he made. I never saw our bills as he would intercept the mail, have electronic bill pay, and even admitted to having a separate post office box.
I feel that I cannot trust him, but am too afraid to leave him. He is making me care for his mother who is dying of cancer. He makes me feel guilty about every little thing, and he controls almost everything I do.
I need help! What do I do?
Lynn SomersteinMarch 14th, 2014 at 10:56 AM
I am concerned that you are “too afraid to leave him.” What are you afraid might happen?
Please take care,
JenniferMarch 14th, 2014 at 7:48 PM
I think I’m afraid of what will happen to him if I were to leave him. The guilty feelings I have are stifling.
I know I am afraid of being alone. I’m afraid I’m not strong enough to not falter and go back to him. I’m afraid of my feelings; of being sad and scared and lonely. I shove everything down inside me and ignore it.
I want to run away.
LynMarch 15th, 2014 at 3:51 PM
Need to share this with the folks at EXaholics.com. Thanks!
JenniferMarch 16th, 2014 at 1:02 PM
I will give it a try. Thank you.
Just an update, he kicked me out of our house yesterday.
ClaireMarch 16th, 2014 at 1:20 PM
I don’t know where else I can talk as everyone is to close or involved I found out end of November that my husband of 3months had been having an affair we’ve been together 10 years he promised he’d never hurt me but he really broke my heart and soul I love him so much I agreed to give our relationship another go as he promised to never stray away again and to stop bullying me the bullying has stopped the change is good but everyday I wake up hurting from the affair im so confused on whats best as Im terrified that if I leave I’ll regret it as I do love him so much sorry to wine I feel so lonely on this one
Lynn SomersteinMarch 23rd, 2014 at 2:07 PM
Many times people are afraid of “what will happen” to their partners if they leaved, even though their partners do not seem overly concerned about what is happening to them.
What will happen if we change our focus, and look through the binoculars again, but in the opposite direction.
IN other words, rather than worrying about “what will happen to them”, in the future, think about “what is happening to us,” right now.
SarahMarch 25th, 2014 at 2:33 PM
On the 1st jan 2014 I found out my husband had been texting another woman, in November, who works in the same supermarket as me, and there were sexual photos exchanged. After confronting the woman and have her tell me nothing else happened, 3 weeks later I found out that the woman had gone to his work and had intercourse with him in his storeroom! Everyone in my work place knows what happened coz she told a few people there but she seems to have no remorse for what she has done to me and her own family. Her husband knows all this because he was the one who found the messages and contacted me. My husband and I are getting through this but everytime I see her I feel like I an having an anxiety attack. I know I should quit my job but I can’t afford not to work and there is nowhere else, I have tried. She is a department manager so I don’t think she’s going anywhere. I love my husband and we are getting better but seeing her brings back the hurt.
L.OMarch 28th, 2014 at 7:54 PM
I have been with my husband for 21 years we got together very young and I made a mistake and cheated and kept it to myself after 10 years I told him about it and it hurt him real bad I betrayed him and he seeked for revenge for what I done so he had an affaire with someone that was real close to me I get it I hurt him so he hurt me back we have three wonderful kids together and I love him so much but I have to look at this girl every where we go how do I get pass this it’s killing me because it starts fights between us every time she comes around please help me I don’t want to lose my marriage
Annie BMarch 30th, 2014 at 9:15 PM
My story is not unusual. I am a 54 year old woman who has been married to my husband for 24 years but together with him for 34. In June of 2013 I found out he had been having an affair since January 2013. I was in total shock and was angry but I decided I believe (too early) to forgive him and let him come home. I am overweight and he told me that if I was to lose the weight and be how I was when we first moved to our home in 2000 that he would stay. He didn’t say I had to look just like I did but I needed to be thin. Having loved him for so long I started to do what he said. I was working out, bought new clothes and gave him more attention than ever before. We went to our son and DIL house with his mother and he and his mother stood in their apt and told us how lucky my husband was to have me forgive him. In Nov 2013 a man called my house and told me that his wife and my husband have been having an affair since July of 2013. That means within a month of me forgiving him he had picked up another whore. I was devastated to say the least and because this was right before Thanksgiving I went to my sons. In the time since Thanksgiving and Christmas my husband played upon my emotions telling me that he and his lover were going to stop having their affair because it wrong. I was an emotional wreck and believed him the first time. He left again two weeks later. Right before XMAS he came back and played me again. I believed him and then he left in January and then by that time I was coming out of my fog and I played him. He was so angry that I played him and said how dare I do those things to him. I could not believe my ears and I told him that if he want to eff his lover that was ok but it wasn’t going to be while he lived here. We got in a fight and the police removed him. Since then he has been trying to play me and I am no longer playing his game. However he still lives in our home and I have told him that it is too hard for him to live there because he is a constant reminder of what he did. He says I have no where to go so having compassion I have allowed him to stay in our home. He has lately been sneaking out of our house at 11:00 p.m. and returning around 1:30 have little meetings with his whore. I can no longer handle this and am beginning to become very angry and very physically abusive to him. He does nothing to me and stands there and lets me hit him. I know it isn’t right and I want to enroll in anger mgmt. classes. Please help me to live with him until our divorce. He is unemployed right now and I am on disability because I have Congestive heart failure. I have told him and he knows that excessive stress can lead me to have a heart attack but he is so heartless at this point. I want to add that I think he is acting like a teenager and is doing crystal meth. What do I do?
MandyJuly 2nd, 2014 at 12:43 AM
Hi Annie B
Your story is not unusual though said. I feel sorry for you because I know what you are going through. I’m in the same situation. I’m 46 yrs and been leaving a cheating husband for 23 yrs. He has changed girl friends I can’t even count them but I’m still living with him. He always apologise and promise to stop but he never did. We are always fighting and swearing at each other but I don’t have the guts to leave him. We’ve got five children the oldest being 23 and youngrst 7. When I decide to leave I think of my children. Sooner I have to take a step but I’m scared.
Susan MJuly 12th, 2014 at 6:17 PM
Mandy, I am in the same boat as you… And as I read these comments I realize there is no real answer. We all have to make the best decisions that work for ourselves. My 4 children range from 13-21. We have been married for 22 years (together for 24). My husband is a high powered CMO who worked hard to provide for us well. I caught him l2 years ago looking at porn constantly and going to strip clubs. He promised he would stop and for the most part he did – but that may have been because he lost his traveling employment and all of a sudden didn’t have the extra money. Well, two months ago he got a new job two hrs away and stays there during the week. Almost immediately after starting the porn, strip clubs and now an emotional affair with a girl the age of my oldest he met working in a strip club. He has told me they are “friends” and he is helping her out but I found out in the past two weeks he has paid for her place to stay and visits /texts daily. When I confront him he tells me that our marriage is horrible. I do everything for him and my kids but I admit to not pressing the sex issue because, like others say, it changes the way you view sex with your husband. I actually thought as an older couple we were doing ok but he is trying to pin the situation on me and it’s frustrating. He said he wants to get counseling but is just as willing to let it go if I want to. I read up on emotional affairs and it said to give him an ultimatum and I did. I told him if he wanted me to try counseling that he needed to break it off immediately – no calls/texts,visits or money. He said ok, but when he got off the phone he went straight to her place. He has also continued calling/texting. And he is helping her (financially) to find another place to live. I honestly think he thinks he can do what he wants until therapy actually starts! The only thing that makes me hang in there until our first appointment is that fact that I think that he may be addicted in some way. It feels so far gone its scary. I don’t know how to approach divorce with my children – and I struggle with telling my older ones what is going on but want so bad for them to grow up healthier for not knowing the worst of it. I feel like it weighs on me so much these days I can barely breath but having my kids to keep me busy is the only way to put one foot in front of the other and I’m thankful for that. Please let me know how you are coping and maybe we can offer up some sage advice as we travel through this hell. I honestly wish you the best and hope you realize that together with support like this we can be strong!
CharlondaMarch 31st, 2014 at 8:52 AM
I’m not married, but I was with my ex for six years. He was abusive from the get go and when I say abusive, I mean mentally, verbally, emotionally, mentally, and financially. He cheated from the beginning and over the course of six years, I probably caught him cheating on me over fifteen times. Most were emotional affairs, but that hurt worse than physical. He would accuse me of sleeping with my ex so much, that I got tired and finally did. I ended up pregnant. We stayed together and raised all of our three children, but life was just miserable. He would tell me things like I was no good, I should die, he hated me, etc. Although I only cheated on him physically once myself, I did flirt with other men. I was so lonely. I was sitting in a house raising our kids while he was out at “business meetings” til one or two in the morning.So basically, after six years, he just let me know that he had been having an affair on me for the last eight months and he was leaving me and our kids to live with this other woman. So why is it he is so happy and I’m not. I just want my family back, but at the same time I don’t want him back at all, because it was toxic. I’m just so angry and hurt, and I’m trying to hold it all in, but the pain is just too much. I am emotionally drained. He left me with three kids to raise on my own, while he is enjoying his life with another woman and her son. I even told the girl that he was cheating and she doesn’t seem to care. I’ts already been a month and I can’t cope with this.
SharonApril 20th, 2014 at 5:59 PM
Omg, i feel your pain!! My husband just walked out on me too after 13 years of marriage, and three kids(all under 12). But mine didnt admit he was leaving b/c of her. Mine is a coward and said he left b/c I “beat him down”. He said he ” separated”from me about three years ago but he hung in there to try to. “Work it out”! Yeah right!! Come to find out hes living w this chick who supposedly is his friend!! But this same chick sent him a topless pic and says”enjoy” and he responds”as always yum”!!!! I trusted him with my life for 13 years!! And now hes living with this woman!! Over the last 13 years, he has emotionally, and mentally abused me and hes acting as though what hes doing is normal!! I am soooo angry, i could carve his heart and hers out, but i gotta think about my kids. I am so dying to get a lawyer to get him were it hurts( his pocket). This is an. Arrogant, self righteous!! Hes trying to impress the kids by doing things with them that he never has. My 12 yr old sees it but not my two boys. I am so furious and feel totally betrayed !! Ugh!!
Lynn SomersteinMarch 31st, 2014 at 9:34 AM
Charlonda, Clearly you’re in a lot of pain, and have been for a very long time. Your relationship was abusive and the fall out still feels abusive. Is there anywhere you might find help- a friend, a relative, a religious leader, a therapist, a group?
AmandaApril 1st, 2014 at 10:33 AM
Annie B. I am so sorry to hear everything you are going through. But you are still allowing him to play you. Your happiness is affected by his mere presence and you are trapped by your sense of loyalty to him. It’s obvious you hold your wedding vows dear because though divorce is imminent, you are still catering to him till death do you part.
You have deep compassion for him that he is not entitled to. There’s no reason to let him remain in the home. ESPECIALLY since you suspect he may be using drugs AND you have heart issues that stress can trigger. What are you waiting on?! You can only go up from here! Simple question, who do you love more, him or yourself? Sounds selfish but you HAVE to love yourself more. If you don’t you will always get mistreated.
He made his bed and should lie in it. Doesn’t matter if he has no where to go, he should’ve considered it before he betrayed you… wait a minute he does have somewhere to go– one of his multiple whores. You said yourself that he is out until 1:30a with his lover, so send him packing to her. As long as he lives in your home, you are still ‘responsible’ for him (wifely duties) while she gets to have all the fun with him. Let her take him off your hands and see how soon she tries to give him back… But don’t take him back.
Also, unless you have had anger issues for some time now, I don’t think you need to enroll in anger management classes. You know he is the source of this anger, so just kick him out. Instant anger management. Besides, if you are at the point where you are BEATING him out of anger, you need to let him go for both your sakes.
You deserve better treatment and when you realize it this will be a walk in the park for you. Don’t just say it but BELIEVE it through and through.
AmandaApril 1st, 2014 at 10:42 AM
Charlonda, learn and KNOW your self-worth. This man was no good to you but you stuck with him for years which made you even MORE bonded to him. You couldn’t have seriously believed that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with a man that told you he wanted you dead?! But you were in denial and you stood by his side anyhow. Now that the inevitable has happened (the break up), the delusion is over and reality is sinking in. You were so neglected and mistreated that you sought love outside of the relationship. That was a huge red flag that it was time to call it quits, but you ignored it.
You are angry and hurt because you knew all of that time that you were too good for him but you settled and in the end he was the one who left you. You feel betrayed not only by him but by yourself because you ignored your intuition and put him over yourself. You feel like he is and always has been in control of the relationship and it makes you feel helpless. Empower yourself.
He is happy because he got the best of you, got to take his anger out, and was able to have an affair on the side… and there were no consequences. In fact, his bad behavior was encouraged by your staying with him. But that is in the past. Stop thinking about how happy he is with his new woman. Nothing good can come of that. Besides, you don’t know what is happening behind closed doors and you have more important things to focus on. You are unhappy because it’s not fair that you keep getting the short end of the stick. But you CAN turn the stick around, Charlonda.
Focus on yourself and your kids now and as far as future dating, don’t let it happen again. The next time a man is abusive ‘from the get go’ let him GO. Don’t let that ONE characteristic you like about him, make you ignore those 20 other undesirable traits. Set realistic standards and don’t be willing to settle. In time, (when you are ready) you are gonna find the man that adores you and would never put you in so much pain, because you deserve it.
I, too, hope you can get in touch with a therapist to work through this because I can tell from your words it’s taking alot out of you. Find a source of emotional support immediately! Good luck.
lexiii gApril 15th, 2014 at 7:47 AM
Hello ladies I am going thru a hard time right now as well I just found my husband texting another women and they seemd to be flirting and this is not the first time he does it . I am currently expecting our second baby and its been so much pain for me because I want to leave him n forget about him he is abussive mentally ,phiscaly, and he gets like the devil wen I argue back or try to leave I dont know what to do am not happy anymore I have lot of hate and grude aginst him that ive even thought of cheating to make him feel what I once felt I think am just hurting myself by staying here.
AngelaOctober 21st, 2014 at 8:42 PM
Hello I say leave him he will only cause u more heartache it happened to me
EmmaMay 15th, 2014 at 9:22 AM
Have been married almost 10 years. First affair was 6 years ago. 2nd affair ive just found out about been going on 2 years. Have 4 children 10, 7, 5 and 1. Am absolutely heartbroken feel so numb now all the time. Trying to work through this with my husband for the sake of my children and our marriage. Really dont know if I can forgive him this time. He gave me his word hed never do it to me again and he has. Would appreciate some advice as I dont think im strong enough to break the family up or to try make it work. I have bad postnatal depression on top of all this and feel so completely unloved and lost :(
loriJune 11th, 2014 at 11:33 AM
Just be strong for you and your kids I’m going thru this myself I’ve been married for 4 and half years and just found out myself I suspected it before but never had the proof. Honestly sometimes you have to do for your self and don’t worry about the kids or what he thinks once a cheater always a cheater especially if it happened more than one or even twice. I’m taking this consideration even within myself all our kids know is us together but if it take a divorce or even some time away from each other do it. Like I said to him love isn’t suppose to hurt like this . but hey you live and you learn from it I hoped I helped you out a little
DonnaJuly 14th, 2014 at 3:02 PM
Absolutely do not believe him, my husbands first affair was only months after our oldest daughter was born…that was 21 years, several more affairs, life long struggle for trust and 1 V. Disease later he still cheated. All in all I beat myself up everyday for not having the guts to live my life with just me and my daughters. I beat myself up that this man had unprotected sex, looked me in my face and said he was sorry and did it again, only to have our children find a used condom on our bathroom floor. I beat myself up about the fact that this man was nothing….nothing when we met and not good looking and I made him dress nice, keep up his appearance, bought him nice clothes and he stabbed me in the back because I lost me in the process. Don’t do it for your kids, you will regret it because 1 thing I know, they never stop the cheating.
Jasmine merrittJuly 22nd, 2014 at 2:06 PM
U will live and no die this is a testimony it may hurt but its like exersising when u are out of shape its very painful and U may be in pain but you are growing ask the Lord to comfort you. Have a personel relationship with Christ and walk in his Strength not your own this trial will past but your faith is being tested.
May 15th, 2014 at
I am actually researching for a paper and came across your email. First let me say that I think you are right to feel hurt and unloved because that is exactly what your husband is showing you with his actions. I know how it feels to feel like you can not let someone go–also-long story short I am a single mother of 5, I work full-time and I am in school full time. I dated my ex for 6 years, two of my children are his. I felt like I loved him so much!I justified what he did or said all the time. I always thought I was too in love thus weak to let him go because our relationship sucked. We had been friends for a long time before we dated as the later years went by I felt he hated me. but there I was again justifing and “waiting” for things to get better. PLEASE! That did not happen but you know what did: 1)I found out he was sexually abusing one of my older daughters (right under my nose but I did not realize it) 2) Then I called the police and reported him 3) a month after #1 I found out I was four months pregnant with child #5 (a baby he has never even met, dont get me wrong I am happy about that) 4) One day when I was walking home from work a lady approached me I recognized her from my neighborhood she had a big 8 month pregnant belly and wanted to tell me that for 5 of the 6 years we were living together he was dating her, she did not mind being second I guess.. There is more but I wont go on because #4 has to do with your situation. The point is that I thought I could never leave and I preferred to stay with him even if it was bad because I loved him…pretty dumb. Might I have left him sooner I couldve avoided my daughter unnecessary heartache. I was in love with the idea of him, of who I thought he was, of who I wanted him to be, of who he used to be. I blinded myself to who he really was. The day I called the police was the last day I ever saw him aside for three days during the court procedings for the abuse (he went to jail for almost two years) and one other time before that driving on a thruway…he actually had the nerve to blow me a kiss.That I interpreted as his way of saying f-you to me and despite the fact that he was a pediphile he was still confident on the outside if it meant hurting me or pissing me off. I just looked away and drove, sorry no negative behavior satisfaction for him from me. The point is this is not candy crush you dont have 5 lives, you have ONE which could be cut short by anything. Love yourself and leave him there is nothing to think about or wait for. Get help with your depression because that can not always be managed on your own especially with 4 children. It is your life, your future, your kids’ futures. You 5 deserve better than what he is offering. In spanish there is a saying “up ahead lives more people in concrete houses and even with ocean views” aka YOU CAN DO BETTER there are more fish in the sea! Shit being alone would be better than a cheating husband so no matter what you do it will be better for you. You have to set the example and expectations for your children, they learn so much from us and are much more aware than you know even if they are young. This is not a cycle that you want them to repeat as adults themselves. Is it easy? NO! But if I am doing it alone so can you. Honestly I look back now and if I remove the pain caused to my daughter and myself and I only think about the relationship and I kick myself so hard and regret every year I spent wasting time with that low life who did not deserve me. It is your husband who is breaking up your family and needs to make it work not you. What you need to do is throw him out file for a divorce on grounds of adultery, get alimony and child support and start fresh. It is not easy but your love for yourself and your children along with thinking of their well being will help you find strength. I wish you well!
Lynn SomersteinMay 29th, 2014 at 4:47 PM
Ginelle you write with great sense and beauty.
KatJune 4th, 2014 at 3:15 PM
I found out about 6 weeks ago that my husband was having an affair. I confronted him and he admitted it right away. He just admitted it way to fast for me and the more I thought about it the more I knew he was not telling me the whole truth. I talked to him about it again and then he admitted that he had an OFFICE in a different city for almost two years. He had met with men and women for sex…he claims that is all, THAT NO ONE TOUCHED HIM except for the last woman that I actually caught….I’m devastated..
Early on in our marriage he was always looking at porn and I talked to him many many times asking him to please stop that it made me feel badly….I’m a highly sexual woman and wasn’t getting any. NOW I know why…the porn led to this and even though I asked him so many times to stop he wouldn’t.
He’s broken our vows…he’s broken everything we ever had….he’s begging me not to leave, that he only thought I didn’t want him anymore………THAT WAS TRUE…I wanted the porn to stop and it made me feel differently about him and now this ~ I think I’ll just get it over with and just die
Jasmine merrittJuly 22nd, 2014 at 1:55 PM
U can make it im going through it now this is where the foundation gets shaky and you will have to wait and trust in the Lord Jesus with all your heart revenge is evil because God is the only one who can get true revenge do not want on revenge to come . Instead be humble even if u do not understand what happing if your husband looks prideful remember pride comes begore dedtruction stay prayerful and poor out thode beautiful heart felt tears to God he loves u
tessJune 20th, 2014 at 10:42 PM
It’s so frustrating reading all of these stories. I am also someone who has dealt with infidelity in my marriage..several times.I found out ten years ago and I’m not over it.I wonder if we are all too forgiving. I know that I think about the betrayal most days, and he just goes along with his life happily. I am fed up with men, I think at this point I might like to be alone. If we divorced the last thing on my mind would be finding another man!
DonnaJuly 14th, 2014 at 2:31 PM
Omg Tessa I feel the same way. When I told jim I was done he tried to turn it around on me and state that I was not being a wife to him. For 21 years I worked a full time job raised two children. ..which I felt like I was raising alone, put myself back in college and obtained 3 degrees all while he only had to work in the post office and pretend to be an involved father. Oh but the women reaped the fruits of my labor!!!! Are these men kidding me??? I hate my husband right now!!! I hope he has to endure the the gut wrenching pain that both I and our children had and are still going through today.
KayAugust 7th, 2014 at 6:08 PM
I’m with you Tess! I was so much better off in so many ways before I got married except for having my child. I know me, I won’t forget until I get my husband out of my life forever but I still have my young child to think of and my poor child believes in fairytales like I once did. I thought I had met my Prince Charming but instead I allowed the devil in sheep’s clothing bring me to ruins but thankfully since I am now fully aware of whom I’m married to I am slowly but surely taking back control of my life. One lesson I finally learned was that God comes first in my life and with him I will be okay. So to all the ladies suffering please strengthen your relationship with God and put him first in your life. In my marriage I put my husband first whereas God was first in my life before my husband and the first time I found out about an affair a wise woman gave me the advice I just shared but I didn’t listen and about four years later she shared that with me again when I found out abt an on & off again affair for the past ten years and then it was like a light bulb went off and I got closer to God and put him first and in a lot of ways I am a lot better. I still don’t trust my husband, I still get angry and I still feel the hurt & pain but I just continue to have faith and trust in God that I will be alright.
minnieJune 22nd, 2014 at 12:59 PM
I am in the process of forgiving my husband for a 14 month affair. He told this mistress all the things he told me, and at this point I feel like nothing special. It has been about 18 months since this affair, and although my husband comes home every night and doing every thing in his power to earn my trust. I honestly dont think I can do this, I am trying to hang on for my children’s sake, but I am starting to despise my husband. I keep reliving all of the details of his affair in my head. I honestly think I may file for divorce. The love I had for my husband is no longer the same.
DonnaJuly 14th, 2014 at 2:23 PM
I honestly advise you not to stay in it for the children. I had that mentality for 21 years. My husband cheated off and on for the same amount of time until this last time 3 weeks ago I said was done with him. Right now I can’t stand looking at him and if we didn’t have so many financial responsibilities together I would have left him. I hate this feeling.
SoniaAugust 5th, 2014 at 4:32 PM
Minnie I can so relate to how you feel!!! I can’t say my husband is doing everything in his power but it’s sure more than he’s done since I was pregnant 6yrs ago. Before getting pregnant when I saw the red flags he always had a way of begging me to not think thoughts of cheating because he was nothing but faithful and how much he lived me and that it was all in my head and to not leave him but once I had my son that all went out the door. I know of two very long affairs and those whores knew he was married and then there were some who didn’t know. I was so close to leaving my house this past December since he refused to leave after numerous requests but I didn’t feel it was fair to have to leave my home that only I pay for and it wasn’t fair that the child I prayed everyday for for years and thru years of fertility wouldn’t get to be with me everyday but here I am 8mos later and still miserable, hurt & angry and any slight bit of deceit or old patterns sets me off. I try to tell myself I’ve been with him 15yrs so what’s 13 more until my son goes to college but I don’t know if I can last that long w/him, it’s so very hard. I just think it’s so unfair, I’ve been nothing but loyal, responsible and as of 2008 the breadwinner. I just know there is something better than this but when do I let go and reach out for it. I wish you good luck with your decisions. I totally sympathize!
AllisonAugust 4th, 2014 at 7:35 PM
I can’t get over the anger and believe me, I’ve tried. I’m all for revenge. Those of you who keep telling everyone to “just let it go” and blah blah, are insane. I wonder how many of you would love to form a club to get even with these cheaters. It’s so easy to just be honest and say, I want more, I’m letting you go. THEN you are free to have sex with whomever you wish. WHY hurt someone?
ALLYSONSeptember 6th, 2014 at 3:29 PM
I thought that I was truly the only one that felt as you do! I agree! My husband sent me home from Georgia back to Texas, where I lived when we met. Using the pathetic excuse that because my lupus and multiple sclerosis was going crazy I needed to pursue medical care. We had no insurance because he is uneducated and cannot hold and job that is lucrative. He said he loved me but didn’t think he was in love with me anymore. I asked was he unfaithful and he said no but was thinking about it. He gave me his wedding band back too. He packed some clothes, said he was staying with an friend and I later found out he moved in with her the next night. I left for Texas several days later, thanks to all great friend who drove to get me. While I was waiting for 4 days to be picked up to go back, he left me with no money, car or food. I got one text from him the day he left asking only if iI had reached sosomeone to come get me. After that there was no more communication. After I got back to Texas his cousin gets in touch and informs me that he has any girlfriend. And the truth came out that he was staying with her. I find out that my illnesses went haywire because I was pregnant. He continued the Affair, talking to me nasty and hurtful anytime he did contact me. Only texts. Never phone calls. July 6 I gave birth to an extremely premature daughter. July 11 she died. I suffered severe stroke level preeclampsia as well as lupus AND ms episodes. Several times he attempted to reconcile with me but always turned on me, I later found out it was because she and her were together again. He finally came to. Texas after losing everything in Georgia. Our house, car and ALL our possessions. He now lives in an motel in an questionable part of Dallas and is an cook at Waffle House. I attempted to get over the rage, pain and devastation but cannot and WILL not! All the lies and deceit and the lack of being able to tell me any justification or reason for his act has made me change. I am not sure if I love him anymore, but I do know I will NEVER EVER FORGIVE OR FORGET! AND THE RAGE AND BETRAYAL WAS JUST TO DEEP. Not only did he abandon and betray and lie to me, but his dead child, whom he never even saw. I thought we were bonded and best friends as well as devoted husband and wife. Guess not. As of today, September 6, I have not returned any texts or answered his phone calls. I will not have any communication with him anymore. I had been seeing him in an attempt for us to work it out, but I just today realized there is nothing left for me to try to work out. Iam ccompletely finished. I really now care nothing of whatever happens to him. Good or bad is immaterial. I just don’t care.
MissySeptember 12th, 2014 at 11:37 AM
I have been with my husband for just over 12 years. We finally got married November 2012. We had our wedding reception in the summer if 2013. In January we needed a babysitter- so my husbands best. Friend recommended his sister, whom my husband had known since they were kids. This woman is married and has a kid of her own, us the woman honestly is not that attractive- small frame but total butterface (if you know what I mean!!) the first 6 months of 2013 was the worst year of my life. My mother, who was my closest and bestest friend on this planet got cancer and had passed away within 3 months of diagnosis. My eldest son, who was 7 at the time had a break down- he had to be hospitalized for 7 weeks. During these times- I worked full time- plus after work or leaving early because of emergencies I was in and out of the hospital. My glorious husband, whom before January we got along wonderfully!! We had become great friends and even better lovers. January hit he started acting depressed because if his business was not doing good. I tried to be there but he told me to back off, reluctantly I did- trying to give him space- I’ve never seen this before from him. I handled my mothers sickness and our sons hospitalization ALL by MYSELF! I went to both hospitals alone- he would only go if he had to sign papers. By April, I started to become frustrated. Sexually, emotionally- everything! I knew the sitters marriage was in the rocks because she always talked bad of him. I started noticing little things from her NEVER my husband. When I came home from work@ 5:30 my husband would be there (weird- being a landscaper – he normally does not get home till 7-8:00). They would be playing outside with the kids. She would stay until 7-8 herself and them finally go home. We have an above ground pool and I came home one day- everyone was in the pool, so I went I side to change- I went into the bathroom and her black thongs are on my bathroom floor. I thought- that’s trashy to do at someone else’s house. Another time I came home and she was cleaning my bedroom sheets. I told her she was neVER to be in my bedroom- let alone ever touch my sheets! I started to realize what was going on, but they both denied it. My husband wouldn’t make love to me- maybe 1-2 times a month. I would be crying with grief because if my mom and oldest son and she would be literally skipping around my house in a short skirt humming! My husband would scream at me, chase me around the house, break anything that was mine if I ever asked him if he was having an affair. I begged him to fire her, but he wouldn’t- we needed a sitter and couldn’t afford anyone else. Finally in August I was putting my youngest into preschool- I was finally able to tell her she was done here! Two days before her last day I got a nice little phone call from the sitters husband saying he found hundreds of texts messages between her and my husband. She said they were in love with each other!! My husband came home and finally (after I finally had the physical proof) admitted to it. He said he did not love her and he always lived me. He said he was f’d up because if the issues with his work and he wasn’t himself. I’ve been trying so hard to believe him. I’ve found more evidence of my husband “attempted affairs” I found a handful of Facebook messages to random exdruggie looking types of girls. He was telling them how much he wanted them and how hard he was for them. This was dated the one night I went out without him- because my buffs were throwing me a bachelorette party…I found 1 year before our marriage when he traveled across the country he was posting ads to craigslist- soliciting for discrete sex- he was replying to other women on Craigslist. He denies that he ever had sex with anyone other then the sitter, but I don’t believe him. I think he has had multiple affairs- I just can’t prove it! I wish I never found the emails or the FB messages. I’m still with him and I’m trying to forgive him and believe that he is not cheating any more…but I don’t believe him, but what if I’m just being paranoid? We make love regularly- he says sweet things to me…but then again he was doing the same even when he went I to Facebook and Craigslist. I just want to get over it and grow old with him. If not I need to prove he is still a dirtbag! Amy suggestions on how to catch him? He’s clever! He doesn’t keep any text msgs- he gave me is sprint password so I can check his call log, but that doesn’t really help. Maybe I don’t know his new girls #…can’t track text messages, so if he deleted them them I can’t see them. I still work full time, so he has everyday during the dAy to bring other people over. I bought a spy camera (mini camera that looks like a pen). It doesn’t have a long enough memory to record all day, I’ve done as much as I could a few times and haven’t found anything!! I feel like if there was some way to know for sure – either way it doesn’t matter. I just need to move on- either with him or without him, it doesn’t. I’m 35 years old and I want to find someone who loves me–truly loves me! I just don’t think there is anyway my husband could possibly love me the way I love him- he looked me in the eye everyday and swore to me he was faithful- he turned t around and made me look crazy- made me believe I was crazy!! We have tried counseling, but we quit cause my husband became busy at work. Please help me with advice/suggestions. It’s not so easy just to leave my house with a 9 and a 4 year old!! My decision must be the right one!! Someone please help- I’m so angry and sad at all times and I don’t know what to do!!!!
AngAugust 5th, 2014 at 8:53 PM
I can’t get over my husbands affair. Every time things are improving I fall apart thinking and dwelling on the affair. I can’t let it go. I don’t know how to move past the hurt and humiliation of it all. He says it’s over that there is no one else but I don’t think he even regrets that he did. His daughter just moved in with us and it was great til the memory of the affair creeped back in my head. Now I can’t stop throwing it back in his face. I want to move past it, maybe if he showed some remorse I dunno. Heart sick and still in love.
cherylAugust 11th, 2014 at 6:34 PM
My husband and I were married for 17 years before he ever had an affair. It’s been m ore than 5 years now and I still have moments like I am experiencing now. My heart tells me I forgive him, but knowing that he had her I our home and some of the cruel things he said to me afterward still hits me at times out of the blue. I feel the hurt and pain all over again. Are there any suggestions. I love him, he is a man and a good dad to our 4 children. I just can’t keep it off my mind sometimes.
RebeccaAugust 12th, 2014 at 9:06 AM
My husband recently had an online affair thankfully he didnt get as far as physical as they fell out as he relised what he had done and she got spiteful and sent me all their messages plus pictures of his bits including wedding ring I could forgive this but he was telling her he loved her. This all toke place while our daughter was in intensive care after years of fertility treatment he even tryed to blame her diagnosis of down syndrome and he carried it on when I was in the next room with our baby he would sit on headset talking to her then come to bed with us, he is obviously sorry as he had told her it was a mistake before I found out but I cant help feeling he betrayed us as a family. I want my marriage to work but go from wanting him to hold me and tell me all the right things to wanting to punch him in the face, everyone telling me he deserves another chance as it been a hard year byt it still hurts so much just when im having a good day I see the message saying he loves her.
VivienneAugust 23rd, 2014 at 2:54 AM
I left this on another topic before I saw this one, but I feel like my story should go here.
My husband and I have been together for 25 years. He was my best friend and soulmate and I trusted him completely. If anyone told me that he even looked at another woman, I wouldn’t have believed them. I know that he loves me and I know that even during the affair that he loved me, so that makes it doubly hard for me to understand why he would chose to hurt me so bad.
It has been almost a year since I discovered my husbands emotional affair and I am still trying to get passed the affair. My situation is a little unique and it’s been difficult to find any literature to read to help me get through it. My husband has always traveled a great deal for work, first with the military and then later as a military consultant. Most of our friends and coworkers have often commented on the fact that I am not a jealous wife and that I trusted him explicitly. When we met, we both felt like we were soul mates, best friends, and really the loves of each other’s lifes. All of our friends at some time have stated that we had the perfect relationship. I’m not saying that is true by a long shot, but my husband has always put me on a pedestal and treated me like a princess. Likewise, I have always considered him my hero and just a very faithful and loyal person.
My husband met the other woman over 10 years ago–she was someone he worked with–while working out of state. I met her, I liked her, and we laughed over some of his other coworkers commenting about them being too friendly. After he worked a consulting job that she was doing for about six weeks, they went their sepeerate ways. Over the past ten years, he has kept in touch with her via telephone, unfortunately he kept that contact a secret from me. Last August, he received a text message from her and I saw it by accident. I’m not the kind of person to go through someone’s phone, but it went off and My son picked it up and stated that his dad had gotten a text. There was nothing sexual in it, but it showed up on his phone as just a number and the number was from St. Louis. We live elsewhere. He had gone running and when he returned, I showed it to him.
I asked who it could be and he lied and pretended that he didn’t know and called the number right in front of me. Her voice mail came on and when she said her name, I asked what she could possibly want. You see, I didn’t realize that he had been contacting her. With that phone call and with his bizarre reaction to it, I decided to pull our phone records and discovered that he was having an emotional affair for over 2 years. He confessed that he was friends with her, but swears that there was never anything sexual or romantic between them–that he just enjoyed talking to her. I know that most women would be happy to hear that and I do believe him–although it was months and several counseling sessions before I believed him, but what was more devastating to me is that he had a relationship with her at all. I almost feel like I would rather it had been a one night stand. Via the phone records, I saw how often they talked and it just tears me apart that he spent so much of his time talking with someone else. He travels 75 percent of the time for work and so a lot of our time is spent talking over the phone and to see that he called me and talked to me for 15 minutes and then immediately called her and talked to her for over an hour is just heartbreaking. And that went on night after night. He insists that they were just friends, but he kept it a complete secret. The weird thing is that I am the least jealous person I know. I feel like if he had told me about her phone calls, I wouldn’t have gotten upset, but on the other hand, if I knew about them, he wouldn’t have been free to talk to her as much. I feel like he kept it a secret so that he could talk to her as much and as often as he liked and probably keeping it a secret was a little thrill for him. Through therapy he finally understands how, even though there was no sex or sexting, it was still an affair and I feel like he is truly sorry, but I’m still incredibly hurt and I really have no one to talk to about it. My friends and family think that I should be fine because it wasn’t sex and it wasn’t romantic and pretty much that is what the therapist stated. No one seems to understand that I feel like my best friend was stolen and my trust, which has always been so strong for him is all but gone.
It has been over a year since I found out and he immediately severed all contact with her. He has been extremely attentive and I feel like he thinks that this has brought us closer, and while we have been closer and he has been more attentive, I’m still extremely hurt. Sometimes a song or something will happen to remind me of it and I cannot even breath. I have read a lot of different books on emotional affairs, but they all seem to have some sort of romantic or sexual basis. Please, if you have any advice, please offer it up.
MelodyAugust 24th, 2014 at 7:36 AM
Same here, married for 25 years. It was over ten years ago when I found out that he has an affair. That was around 2005. We underwent marriage encounter for so many times, I tried and pushed myself to believe that he was a renewed man as everybody in the marriage encounter community was telling me. Although deep inside is a struggle bec I felt that he was using all these people . He showed them a lot of good traits words everything. Still deep inside me was s struggle. In 2007 we left our country to migrate here. In 2009 after 2 long years of staying here I found out that he was still communicating with the girl, he even sent her to a big university to get a degree. He’s been sending her money regularly ever month. I felt that the whole building just collapsed over me.
Again he told me that it was his lady communication with her. Another thing that really bothered me was that we barely have enough and yet he still sent her monthly lam allowance. I have 2 kids they were quiet about this although I tell them everything. To make the long story short I forgave again for the nth time.
In 2011 we go back n forth to our country. Around 2monrhs ago I found out that he was hiding a huge amount of money, I saw the ATM CATD. When I confronted him he denied it but when I told him that I have the evidence , he admitted it. He said it’s for my kids. T told him that we have a joint account here if that is for my kids why hide it from me? Every time that his excuses are not accepted he will shout on top of his lungs cursing me etc. u kept quiet last month we went back again to our country again I found our that he bought a condominium unit. Again i asked him in a ver nice way even if deep inside me I was full of anger. Again he denied it.
For so many months I’ve been very quiet I’m having sleepless nights and he wasn’t even bothered . I can’t leave him bec I do not have a job on my own we work on the same company, I do not have friends here. I want to get out of here n just leave but I have nobody here I’m all alone by myself . Please if there’s somebody out there who could read this please help me. Btw the last time that we argue he was cursing me again and putting the dirty finger on my face. I told him that you don’t have the right to do that to me. I then I researched I learned that I can call the police if ever he will do that again
Polaris Stella E.August 23rd, 2014 at 6:17 AM
I am really struggling with getting over and accepting many of my past hurts and pain…I have tried counselling, self help books web sites and I thought being on my own trying to work through all the pain, hurt, loss and anger would eventually ease…I am struggling with being grateful and feel I am bitter. I can not seem to forgive and forget…its having an impact on my ability to trust men ever again.
chelseaSeptember 2nd, 2014 at 7:43 AM
I wish i could tell y’all that it gets better with time….but after a decade of marriage and multiple affairs, i honestly have to say that i will never get over it, and he will never admit to it.
I have tried, i think everyone here has. But the raw truth of the matter is that you will always think of it …..and why she was so damn awesome and funny and interesting and you were not.
But the fact is, Men want what they can’t have. Especially if it’s “shinny” it catches their eye.
But that’s okay, you tell him that your hurt is turning into hate. And if you have to live together, welp, that will be fine, because as he has a mistress your going to find a soncho. Because YOU deserve it, every bit as much as he does, to be happy. GO AHEAD! Do your makeup and hair and GO! even if your not really looking…. he will not want another man NEAR you.
Men are primitive cavemen. It’s all about devide and conquere…. and once they’ve conquered ….they’re bored and looking.
LizSeptember 4th, 2014 at 11:46 AM
This is for Vivienne who wrote on 23 August 2014:
Our stories are similar. Married 26 years, my husband (53) is still active duty military. Everything you wrote happened to us. My husband had a secret 4-year friendship with a 25-year-old female subordinate at work. I discovered it after finding a receipt for a gift he sent her. Our husbands’ responses and current behavior are the same.
It’s been four years. I still feel sad and hurt at times. I feel I live with a stranger, but maybe it’s me who’s a stranger because I don’t feel like my old self. I just recently was able to tell a good friend of mine what happened. I plan to find a counselor, because this is not a healthy way to live.
Reading your story made me sad. I hope you can find peace.
EricSeptember 6th, 2014 at 12:14 AM
I’ve been married for 16 years, and while I feel intensely attracted to other women at times, I have never and absolutely will never be untrue…, not because my marriage is perfect, far from it…, but simply because I’m wholly dedicated to the Golden Rule and pure honesty. This kind of morality (or lack thereof) comes with us from childhood, and is not inspired by any lover or spouse we could ever meet. Like an addict, a cheater is always a cheater, though they may struggle successfully to stay “clean”. It’s not your fault, except that you couldn’t recognize their weakness…, as I could never have conceived that my 36 year-old wife would ever cheat, fall in love with, and leave me for one of her handsome but empty-headed college students, who told her he only wanted sex anyway. Only a few weeks later, once he’d had enough of her (or realized she wouldn’t go further without a commitment), broken-hearted she runs back to me, claiming she loves me… And, a year and a half later, in spite of her going to great lengths to prove her love, I can only believe that another hot and studly boy could take her even more easily, because she knows I’m almost out the door. The only reason I’m still here is for my 6 year old daughter, for who I’d sacrifice anything to keep in my daily life, and because of the financial devastation of a divorce. I believe that people like my wife are very sincere in the moment, and that truly believe the promises they make, right up until new opportunities become irresistible to their weak egos and low self esteem. Their sincerity in the moment is what makes it impossible to know what they are capable of under other circumstances, and we give them our trust. Almost every minute of every day I ache… The agony over the loss of my fairy tale may torture me for the rest of my life. Every other woman that shows any interest in me now makes me wonder if she might’ve been the one who would’ve followed through on our vows. Maybe someday I will find her or she will find me…, and love and fulfillment can replace this endless pain…, and as we grow old together, and the end finally comes, we will both know our love was real and true and forever.
ALLYSONSeptember 6th, 2014 at 5:19 PM
Why is it that wonderful, moral men with standards like yourself are no longer available? I to am like you and when I commited to my marriage I meant the promise and words that I stated. I have had the same devastation. We are all huge minority. I am sorry sorry for your despair, I know the feeling and annihilation!
JillSeptember 14th, 2014 at 9:04 PM
I feel exactly the same way. You took my thoughts out of my head. It is the worst pain one could ever feel.
crazywomanSeptember 22nd, 2014 at 4:05 AM
hi im feeling exactly the same. i just wish all that betrayal was just a dream. but this is the reality. we got to be strong. keep holding to your marriage.
KimberlyOctober 19th, 2014 at 8:48 PM
My situation is similar..you really nailed it with what you said about the in the moment sincerity. I feel the same way you do….
AjJanuary 2nd, 2015 at 8:44 AM
I wish to have been married to someone like you. The feeling of betrayal inspite of being an honest wife/partner, the feeling of insecurity because you’re not appreciated, the feeling that you want to break free but you know you can’t because of the vows you made…i wish i could turn back time and marry somebody else, or stayed unmarried, at least i wouldn’t have to go through this kind of pain.
LauraJanuary 3rd, 2015 at 9:14 PM
angelSeptember 14th, 2014 at 3:27 AM
I just found out my husband slept with his ex and there is a baby involve and he want to work thing out ten years and he has a baby with her I’m lost and don’t know what to do anyone have advice
September 14th, 2014 at
Consulting a marriage counselor with your husband might be very helpful.
Please take good care,
TaylorSeptember 17th, 2014 at 9:52 AM
My husband and I have been together for over 15 years. We have 3 beautiful children. I just recently found out that he had been cheating with this woman for over 4 years!!!!!! Im devastated!!!!
He keeps telling me that he wont leave me and he loves our family and kids but he cant leave her either because these are long term relationships and he has feelings for this woman and that I have to accept that. I haven’t stopped crying since i found it out until now.
Please help what should I do??? I am complitely lost!!!
SuzanneSeptember 17th, 2014 at 1:26 PM
@Taylor- Ask a close friend or family member to loan you money to hire a private investigator so that you can get evidence of his cheating for court. You don’t want him knowing you’re doing it. Use this to file for divorce with him at fault. You do NOT need to accept his cheating.
StaceySeptember 22nd, 2014 at 10:13 AM
My husband of 30 years is also having an affair with a coworker. He’s been on the prowl for some time and this one took the bait. She’s just divorced and obviously desperate to pursue a fat married man. She is not much younger than me. I have mild Parkinsons so maybe my husband is fed up and is looking to leave. Since he is in sales he can meet and have sex with her anytime after 2 when she gets off work and on weekends. He is at work (with her) more than at home with me. This has been going on 3 months. When will it stop? Is this a mid-life crisis? He is involved with church and he makes everyone think he is a happily martied family man. What a hyprocrite! It appears he is addicted to this woman It’s humiliating, disgusting and disrespectful to me and our children.
ROctober 7th, 2014 at 7:02 AM
I just found out a week ago my husband of nearly 21 years has been having an affair with his secretary and secretly married her and had a kid, on top of that he’s been flirting and leading other women on. I felt like killing myself I’ve got four boys three of which are teens and have been loyal to him all this time as I have. I’ve looked after him and his family especially his terminally I’ll mother who passed away a few years ago. I trusted him and believed he was the most faithful man around, now my entire world has shattered and I don’t know what to do.
GoodTherapyAdminOctober 7th, 2014 at 9:54 AM
Thank you for your comment, R. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html
Additionally, if you would like to consult with mental health professional, please feel free to return to our homepage, https://www.goodtherapy.org/, and enter your zip code into the search field to find therapists in your area. If you’re looking for a counselor that practices a specific type of therapy, or who deals with specific concerns, you can make an advanced search by clicking here: https://www.goodtherapy.org/advanced-search.html
Once you enter your information, you’ll be directed to a list of therapists and counselors who meet your criteria. From this list you can click to view our members’ full profiles and contact the therapists themselves for more information. You are also welcome to call us for assistance finding a therapist. We are in the office Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Pacific Time; our phone number is 888-563-2112 ext. 1.
The GoodTherapy.org Team
AnneSeptember 22nd, 2014 at 5:58 PM
I’ve been married to my husband for 7 years (second marriage). I have 3 teen children who live with us, he has never made much of a bond with my kids. He has very poor communication skills.
I found out 3 months ago that my husband has been unfaithful for over a year. I knew he had been into porn. I read his phone and found several texts to prostitutes, asking for prices ect. At first he said he was “only looking into it”, then just days later he admitted he had sex with only one. He said it was more the thrill of the chase and he didn’t even enjoy the ‘escort visit’. I realize that he has an addiction to the Internet with porn, contacting escorts, sexting ect. I asked him a hundred times to tell me anything and everything else that happened, he promised nothing had. After checking his phone records I found out that he had been texting a woman who lives just down the road for several months. When I confronted him he admitted that they had been sexting. He said they met and he had every intention of having sex with her but changed his mind. His phone records confirm that he stopped contacting her when he said he did.
He promised he would change and I believe that truly wants to. He has changed phones and phone plans and has no access to the Internet other than the library (unless he has secretly gotten another phone). I do believe he is now trying to prove his love to me. My issue is the past, it’s what he has already done and the continuos lies. He has only ever admitted to something when he was caught, he never came to me and confessed any of these. We have been to a therapist, both together and seperatly and it has somewhat helped.
I keep asking him questions and looking for more details trying to find out if there is more he hasn’t confessed. He is getting frustrated with my questions. I am absolutely broken from his betrayal and especially the lies and deceit. So far I can’t seem to let go of these thoughts in my head, I am constantly wondering if he’s hiding more from me but really I am hoping that he’s not. I hope that everything is out, it would be nice to mend and be able to move on but I really don’t know how or if he is finally being truthful.
Lynn SomersteinSeptember 28th, 2014 at 6:43 PM
You are on a hard road for sure, and feel betrayed, but I see from your letter that therapy, individual and marital, has helped, and I hope the therapy continues.
I wonder that you keep asking him questions, maybe too much? I think that is something you might deal with in therapy.
annSeptember 29th, 2014 at 6:31 AM
I found out 1 week ago that my husband has been sending pics of his private parts to an online site to get pics in return to master bate to. He has been indulging in porn and other private activities for a while and I am so depressed that I am now having suicidal thoughts. This is not the first time he has done this to me, in fact I see it as a repeated pattern. He says he felt that this was the best way to give him relief without actually cheating, but to me it is the same as if he did! I am so hurt, ashamed, embarrassed, and have no one to talk wi
annSeptember 29th, 2014 at 6:35 AM
I found out 1 week ago that my husband has been sending pics of his private parts to an online site to get pics in return to master bate to. He has been indulging in porn and other private activities for a while and I am so depressed that I am now having suicidal thoughts. This is not the first time he has done this to me, in fact I see it as a repeated pattern. He says he felt that this was the best way to give him relief without actually cheating, but to me it is the same as if he did! I am so hurt, ashamed, embarrassed, and have no one to talk with other than him and that doesn’t help me at all! I feel that I can’t ever trust him bc he has done this in the past so many times that I feel now he knows how to get away with it and how to cover his tracks. I don’t want to destroy him or us, but in doing so I feel I am destroying me. I just don’t know what to do anymore.
GoodTherapyAdminSeptember 29th, 2014 at 9:06 AM
Thank you for your comment, Ann. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html
The GoodTherapy.org Team
nannyOctober 10th, 2014 at 6:33 PM
I been married for 25 years and yes it haven’t been perfect.my husband had affair with someone that was in our wedding I forgave him but he kept on doing it so when I did it he felt like I committed murder how can I get over him.we been together every since we was 14…he don’t want me with no one and likewise
Lynn SomersteinSeptember 29th, 2014 at 11:57 AM
I am so sorry to hear about all this, and glad that GoodTherapy has sent you recommendations to pursue that will help you. I strongly suggest that you find a therapist to work with as soon as possible, someone supportive and empathic.
As you probably know, your husband’s behavior reflects illness that needs treatment and is not something either you or he can control on your own.
I hold you both in my heart. Please stay in touch.
sebhaiSeptember 30th, 2014 at 9:55 AM
“Affairs are what you get when you marry the good looking successful guy with the big bucks. Women have no interest in a nice guy who treats them well. They want the big house, The fancy car. The exotic vacations and in the end they get what they deserve. No sympathy here.”
I know this post is old,but are you telling that ugly and poor men never cheat?
If you believe so,the I suggest you find yourself an ugly woman who couldn’t attract rich good looking men,and the try to learn some empathy.
meOctober 3rd, 2014 at 4:19 AM
Really? This is the most pathetic response i’ve seen!
I was the successful one in my marriage. My husband hated work and would only go when he ‘felt like it’. I worked full time our entire marriage and he stayed at home. I even let him go to his sport 5 days a week. We had two kids. I am highly successful and earn all the money for the family. He cheated.
This post is just plain stupid and ignorant on your part.
VickiOctober 3rd, 2014 at 4:29 PM
I’ve been married 32 years. My husband has always worked out of state or country. I found out a year ago he had been living with another woman for 2 years in another state. During this time all his money went to our joint account and he came home on days off. I called his phone one day and the woman’s granddaughter answered then she got on the phone. My husband came home and went to work closer to home. A year later he was back in that state working and was hooked up with the woman again.He had a secret phone and was talking with this woman the entire year he said we were working it out. I drove to the other state and met the woman and we surprised my husband at the club. I hadnt been to a club in 30 years. My husband continued talking or more with her until I told him I was done and was looking for another man. My husband came home but I’m still mad and have no trust. I don’t think ill ever get over it. I lost 40 pounds and work out daily, colored my hair blonde so he’s worried now ill leave him. Only time will tell.
Lynn SomersteinOctober 8th, 2014 at 4:15 PM
Your trust and love and devotion have been abused and of course you’re shocked and dismayed. I think you should consult the resources that the GoodTherapy Team has provided you, and I wish you my heart felt sympathy.
Take care and keep in touch,
meeraOctober 21st, 2014 at 2:31 PM
Hi I just found out a week back that my fiance slept with my friend. A month back I got a call from my friend whom I just met few months before she is from France that she is looking for a room to stay just for a month and insisted me if she can stay with us. Note that she is v average looking girl. So I accepted her request and she moved in with us. I had to go to India to attend my brothers wedding so I went there for 10 days leaving her and my fiance behind. Note that my fiance is a very reserve type of a man and doesn’t talk much. So when I came back I asked him if he spoke to her and he denied later I found out that the girl is walking barely half naked in our house in his absence… she can’t sleep when we are inside the room. After 2 days she started telling me that all guys are a-holes and I should keep my eyes open. When she left she told me that one day they both got drunk together and had sex. Also she told me that my fiance wanted more sex the next day when he was in his senses. Which makes me so mad. After two months we are getting married I dunno Wat to do. He accepted that he only kissed her on her lips but didn’t have sex. Which I do not accept I tried leaving him but all the time he said sorry and brought me back home. Please advice Wat should I do. Note that we are getting married after 5 years of relationship I left my family for him. I can’t sleep can’t eat I beaten hin so much the day I found out.please help
ShonnaNovember 18th, 2014 at 5:40 PM
Sorry to say this leave him now…have you read the above how woman are angry and can’t forget their husbands affairs. It will be the same with you. It will eat you away and make you a horrible person. Don’t get married to him. And use this a lesson in life don’t let strange girls in your home to stay even if it’s your sister. Etc. there’s limits boundaries. I have had a very hard time now…three kids and 14years marriage wish I didn’t take home back. Sacrificed a lot for my husband like all women. But also very angry with myself. Tbh I am always angry depressed. My life seems over. And can’t turn back time. If I could I would of never taken him back. Imagine this you have kids and when they’re older you will feel like this too why you didn’t leave earlier. Sorry if I up set anyone. Don’t loose your self for this man.
mmusaDecember 30th, 2014 at 4:48 AM
If you love him, and really really really want to be with him. You have to teach him a lesson. Not to EVER try you like that in YOUR home ever again! You have to separate for six months. Tell him you just can’t get over the betrayal, you thought about it and you can’t be with someone who doesn’t respect you. Tell him youre leaving (dont say where or how long and dont let him stop you ). If you can’t afford to put yourself up in a hotel or efficiency for 6 months and have no friends or family you can stay with then tell him he has to leave. Who cares where he goes, he’s the one who messed up. Make him realize you dont need him and your absence will drive him insane. Cut off almost all contact. And make him work for you all over again . A man won’t cheat on you if you keep him chasing a part of you. If you’re going to marry this man and give your life to him make sure he’s worthy and respects you. You can do it!
izzyOctober 22nd, 2014 at 9:08 AM
i have been w. the same man for the past nine years we have two beautiful children and i just cant get over the fact that he cheated on me it honts me everyday i am remineded somehow life foe instence i went to go look for something in his old truck that is not running and found some other womens babies pull up under the seat i know my sobs pull ups it wasnt his… im trying to work at getting over this hurt but dont know how please help i married him a year ago and nothing has gone on since. but still cant get over it HELP ME SAVE MY MARRIAGE
Kimberly H.October 22nd, 2014 at 9:47 PM
I’m 48 years old and recently divorced from a 23 year marriage. Two daughters which are grown. My life turned up side down in April when I learned of his communication with many other women online doing the sexting and chats then learned of two physical affairs with co-workers. The first being when our youngest daughter was 14 years old. At first the girls was devastated and angry with there father. Now 7 months after the divorce the girls seem to think dad is just grand. He went and got tattoos and is supportive of the girls getting them if they want. He is Mister super cool dad now and gives them money and gifts. My problem is my anger and it only seems to get worse as time goes on. I was a faithful wife for 23 years so it has just been devastating. All I feel for him is hate and anger. I wish someone would beat his eyes shut. I don’t want him to be happy, I don’t want our children to love and support him. Just to be honest I wish he would die. I even prayed for it several times and still do. He was always the bread winner so he has made my financial situation in serious trouble. I work two jobs but never made the money that he did. I wish he would lose his job. seriously I just want to see him hurt in some way but he don’t….. He has all the toys new RV, boat , new truck, new younger girlfriend. still has a great job. His choices destroyed my life and my family but he has no remorse or regret for his actions at all. I did get 50 thousand from his 401 k which I would gladly give someone to go kill the jerk. signed, Angry X
PromiseOctober 24th, 2014 at 9:33 PM
Revenge is not for you but let God deal with his creature, God will never fail but us people we often fail & get depression. I trust God with all of my life I know & understand what you’re going through, I’ve been there I know its hurting too much. I felt like my heart has been stabbed. Let God fight for you, just tell God what you want & feel.
Wishing you all the best in life. God bless you.
Michele HavenerNovember 10th, 2014 at 12:39 PM
Dear Kimberly I feel your pain I’ve been married for 22 years & he has been cheating on me the whole time we have 2 boys 18 & 21 so I just caught him with a hooker in our truck in our driveway & she was completely naked the bad part was my 18 year old saw this as well 10 years ago we renewed our vows and I thought this would fix things WRONG! Here’s the deal I have learned they want their cake & eat it too because unfortunately it will not end it’s up to you if u want to put up with it or not Good luck & best wishes
MichelleDecember 21st, 2014 at 12:38 PM
Totally agree with this statement. Once your man has tasted the forbidden fruit he will always want it. Affairs and illicit sex with strangers can be more addictive than heroin. Also if your guy claims it was ‘the first time’ he’s forgotten to add thirty before that number.
mmusaDecember 30th, 2014 at 4:35 AM
No point in wishing death on him, it will only bring you bad karma.
“the easiest way to get what you want, is to help other get what they want”
Sounds like bs, but whoever wrote the quote was right .
Stop thinking about him and start living your life! Its almost the new year! Find a sexy man to take care of you and travel and be happy. Find a new man! Quick !! Try online dating! Occupy your time with a new man, while youre still at an age to do so!!!
Kimberly H.October 22nd, 2014 at 9:56 PM
I just hope God allows me to watch as he rots in hell.
CROctober 27th, 2014 at 1:37 AM
I always had a guy feeling my ex husband was cheating on me. Long story short he left me for my oldest daughter’s best friend’s mother. She was married everything. When I found out about this affair I kicked him out of the house. He had this planned very well that when we bought the “family home” he had me signed over worship to him. It’s has been over two years and I can’t help but feel anger and wishing he was dead for what he put and is putting my daughters and me thru. I just always stay in the what if I had worked on my marriage harder and what did I so wrong. What done is done and I can’t change It. I would just like some advice on how to continue to move on.
I should also mention that since I was married to him for over 10 yrs I was awarded alimony and also get child support. Every time he gets a change he just tells me that my Mom (who passed away last year) would be proud to know that she raised a free loader of a daughter. He knows how to bring me down by saying this type of things. I try to ignore him, but sometimes it’s hard.
ToniaNovember 11th, 2014 at 12:30 AM
Its been seven months since I found out my husband of six years was having an affair with someone he’d only known for just under a month.I thought I’d gotten over it.The woman left the country about four months ago and he swore they’d broken things off. What hurts me is he claims he’s now clean but he still keeps a password on his phone. I worry day and night that they are still in contact. He refused to remove it saying I shouldn’t dictate how he runs his life. I’ve been trying to keep the peace for the sake of our two small children but I can’t continue to live with the secrecy. Before the affair we were completely open with each other. That password reminds me of all the pain,deception and embarrassment I went through because of the affair. Like most women I was the last to know. My friends , neighbours all knew and his brother was in on it and even lied to the girl that we’d divorced years back just to cover my husbands back. I just don’t know if I can completely forget. I want this marriage to work but can’t help but wonder if he wants the same. What should I do?
mmusaDecember 30th, 2014 at 4:28 AM
You absolutely have got to get him to get the pw off his phone. I hate that!!!!! You can’t force him to do it though, he has to want to do it. He has to feel like no matter what you see in it, nothing can go wrong. And he’s only going to feel like that if he’s not doing ANYTHING he shouldn’t.
Now if you’re nagging about it all the time he’s never going to take it off. Men love defiance towards an insecure woman. You have to act like you dont care for a little while and watch his behavior. Is he always on his phone? Texting ? Dont be afraid to sit next to him. Youre his woman you have the right to know. Start doing things that require you to be involved with his phone.
When you’re home together play a “new fun game your coworkers introduced” you play on your phone, he plays on his. Maybe you might say, let me play on your phone mine is so slow jokingly and see how he reacts. Ask to take a picture on his phone cause he “has a better camera” Maybe you can pretend your phone has been messing up lately. Start randomly asking to use his. “ugh i dropped my phone now something is wrong with my speaker I can barely hear, let me use your phone to call my mom real fast babe. Or text. Then drag that out as long as u can. BUT always seem happy and unbothered when you ask for his phone. Never use a serious tone!! After a couple days of using his phone, You can be like babe take the pw off your phone I’m getting locked out every 10 minutes. If he try’s to put it in for u or simply doesn’t take it off. He’s not ready to be 100% with you. He’s probably hiding something.
Mrs. BNovember 11th, 2014 at 8:17 PM
My husband has never cheated on me physically that I know of but he has tried to hook up with two other women. The first woman turned him down and I forgave him pretty easily. Even though I told him not to contact her again…he did…I still forgave him easily. Then about two months after we got married I found him trying to hook up with his former co-worker. Then he confessed to having cyber sex with her in the past! I don’t even know why he married me. I still can’t get over it even though there was no physical contact and it happened almost 2 years ago. Anyhow how do I know that there was no physical contact…his co-worker lives right down the street. I work a different shift so who knows what hes doing. Makes me cry every time I think about it or anytime I hear someone talk about cheating.
JDDecember 9th, 2014 at 4:59 PM
I was caught having an in appropriate conversation last week on email with an escort. I am very ashamed to say the least. Nothing happened between the person and me. This was proven. I didn’t not even get sexual on an email or text. My wife is destroyed to say the least being that I even had the thought of it. I realized at the time what I was doing and put and end to conversation. Nothing happened. My wife of course is still furious and hurt as she should be. I love my wife with all my heart. I know what I did was wrong and I had so many realizations about myself talking this through with my wife. I know that I am going to get chastised on here but as someone who is sorry and remorseful how can I go about helping my wife heal and starting to repair my marriage? We’ve spoken about counseling so far.
mmusaDecember 30th, 2014 at 4:13 AM
COMMUNICATION COMMUNICATION COMMUNICATION!!!!!
you my friend actually have a solid chance to regain 100% trust for the simple fact that nothing happened!! This is how our mind works, cause no woman want to really lose her man , if she really love him off course. But you have to be honest! What’s the reason you were going to cheat? Obviously for sex only because you chose an escort. But why. What’s the real reason? And how did she catch you?
Cathy MDecember 10th, 2014 at 4:33 AM
:( I’ve been really so sad since my hubby’s affair. It was about 1.5 years now. I know how sorry he is, I know how much he loves me. He calls me all the time just to see if I’m ok. He made the the biggest and worst mistake of his life, and he knows that big time. I have been trying so hard to forgive him, but I hate him for what he did. He tells me that it was nothing to do with me that he had an affair, but he doesn’t know why he did it. He blames it on drink, but it went on for 7 mths. We have 5 kids the youngest 6, married 23 years. I don’t know life without him. Sometimes I tell myself, even though I really love him, if I had the money, I would leave. He shouldn’t get away with hurting me like this. I know he would be devastated if I did. I’m so so sad. For the kids for me, and a little for him. But I can’t get past this pain and hurt. Some one help. I’m beginning to wish I would just die x
December 10th, 2014 at
Thank you for your comment, Cathy. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html
The GoodTherapy.org Team
annDecember 28th, 2014 at 1:53 AM
Leave.. before it’s to late… Im 48 now my husband had an affair more than 5 years ago with a person 24 years younger than me and two years older than our son. I have tried to forgive him and sometimes can. But mostly I’m broken. I will never be the same. The person I was died and what is left is a bitter spiteful shell of a woman. I want to leave but financially it would break me. I would loose what’s left of the last 23 years of my life. Dieing is about all I have to look forward to to end my pain and loneliness.
The GoodTherapy.org TeamDecember 28th, 2014 at 10:30 AM
If you are experiencing a life-threatening emergency, in danger of hurting yourself or others, feeling suicidal, overwhelmed, or in crisis, it’s very important that you get immediate help! You can do one of the following immediately:
• Call your local law enforcement agency (911);
• Go to the nearest hospital emergency room;
• Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 (TTY:1-800-799-4TTY)
• The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is equipped to take a wide range of calls, from immediate suicidal crisis to providing information about mental health. Call to speak with someone who cares; call if you feel you might be in danger of hurting yourself; call to find referrals to mental health services in your area; call to speak to a crisis worker about someone you’re concerned about.
Please know that if you are international the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline might not be able to help you, but you can still go to your local law enforcement agency, and go to your nearest hospital.
The GoodTherapy.org Team
annJanuary 9th, 2015 at 8:58 PM
I would never kill myself. I just won’t be sorry when that day comes .. he took everything from me .. all my good years.. my trust … my faith. .. im just so so over it. But thanks to a good Christian upbringing and the sounds of my grandmother telling me I hooked my wagon to that horse. .. im just stuck.. the whole until death u do part thing… :(
CJanuary 7th, 2015 at 11:08 PM
Do not lose hope Ann. Work out, find a hobby. Take care of urself. U are alive and deserve better. U just need someone to help u up cuz this fool knocked u off ur bike and broke some bones. U ain’t dead! Get up! U can do it!
annJanuary 9th, 2015 at 9:54 PM
C thank u so much .. but I lost all hope years ago… I work everyday, come home fix dinner, clean house ect ect all the good little wife things and all the while thinking about what he did and wondering if he is going to do it again… part of me Hates him.. part of me hates me for still loving him. I hope that the rest of u find some piece I gave up.
janJanuary 8th, 2015 at 2:33 AM
Hi Ann, your situation is very similar to mine and I know exactly how you feel too.
I try every day to get through without the hatred I feel inside. I used to be a happy smiley person, now I’m tortured daily. I don’t know what to do, but I wish I could hurt him back to let him know how painful it is. bless you and I hope you recover . Jan
annJanuary 10th, 2015 at 9:37 AM
Jan, that’s me. My kids say I’m not the same person I used to be and I’m not. I’m so unhappy. I miss him and us. I miss me. We have been together from high school .. the worst of it was I was working two full time jobs because he had lost his income .. and I was trying to save our house .. while at my 2nd full time job my youngest son sent me a text photo that a group of his friends had sent him of his father out to dinner with his little whore! I had no ideal I was so clueless. I actually thought that the hard times were bring us closer together lol. Now every time I start to feel a little happy or relaxed it’s like somebody flips a switch and I do everything I can to be well just a bitch because in the back of my head I feel like I will just get blindsided again. I don’t know what to do. I love him but I HATE him at the same time. If I leave he will get half my retirement, I will have to sell the house I worked so hard for ect.. and I have failed and I won’t be any happier. Worse he will move on and I’m sure get right back with her. Oh, I forgot to say he still talks to and text with her on a regular basis. I have confronted him more than once but it does no good so I gave up fighting about it. I guess I’ve just gave up? I am sorry to rant but guess I just needed to get it out. For all of you cheaters out there. . Dont cheat be a grown-up and leave the person before you damage them the way I and so many others here have been.. if yiu ever cared about them at all the pain of being left would have to be better than a life sentence to self hate and doubt.
mmusaDecember 30th, 2014 at 4:08 AM
Dont wish death on yourself. I’m in the same situation as you all. Not married though, just “playing house” as I call it. And I’m sure that’s where I messed up. But now I’m in this and I have to deal with it. Men cheat for many reasons. But the main two are opportunity, and lack of sexual attraction. We may think were having great sex with them but for a grown man who’s probably been watching porn since 12, their imaginations and sexual desires are far greater than ours. That and the fact that men aren’t “a monogamous species ” as they love to proclaim!
You go from being sad and predictable to excited about life, motivated and confident. What’s your situation? Are you physically attractive ? Overweight after the kids? Look the same as you did when yall first met? (not always a good thing)
Doesn’t matter where youre at. You switch it up on him. Seem happy and completely unbothered (extremely difficult at first) Change your look up. Do something dramatically different to your hair. (its a new year anyway, everyone should bring it in with a new look and attitude) Buy something new like a pair of boots and DEFINITELY get some new assesories. Some nice inexpensive jewelry (men always notice new jewelry) Join a gym. And get a male trainer. This will keep your mind off him for some part of the day and working out with sexy trainer will actually motivate you to go harder. Then your confidence sky rockets and you start to get all this attention and feel worthy again. And then you will realize that its NOT about “how to keep a man and keep him faithful” – its about how does he keep you . You are the prize.
I JacksonDecember 10th, 2014 at 11:09 PM
I am going through a divorce right now, but wonder if it can be “avoided” if I can convince or court order my husband to go through a sort of therapy (sex-? & couple therapy). Here’s my “situation”:
My husband is very jealous even though he wants to appear as if he doesn’t care what I do. We are only married for 2 years, but “together”/in an on & off relationship for about 13 years with two sons (10 & 7 years). I see a pattern on his side that he starts accusing me of cheating and starts drifting off. But I found out that HE seems to just need a reason/an excuse for himself to cheat. I found out a lot when looking through messages and mails that he sent both from his phone and our computer -I know snooping is not a solution and feel bad for that, but I was hoping to find answers as to his “drifting off”- behavior.
– needless to say I never cheated on him since/while we’ve been together.
I believe the real problem is his “the grass is always greener on the other side”-mentality, where he realises that he’s not a family man and misses the freedom of being single (once in a relationship for a little while), but then also realises he loves & misses me and our children and wants to have it back, but feels congested/annoyed by the family once he does have us back…
I think he is sex addicted, we have good & plenty but it slowly eases off once we’ve been back together for a few months again.
How can I get him to understand the real problem & agree into fixing it?
Lynn SomersteinDecember 11th, 2014 at 1:40 PM
Dear I Jackson,
Your situation is frightful, and I hope that your husband decides to go for family therapy with you or individual treatment for himself, but the decision is his. You can ask him to see a therapist, but you can’t make him do so.
Good luck, take care,
millyDecember 18th, 2014 at 1:50 PM
Hello my names is milly, this is my very first time doing this, I just need answers or at least understanding. I’ve been married to my husband for 7 years now I’m 25 years old and have two beautiful children my daughter who is 5 and my one year old son. Last year on Christmas eve I realized my husband was having an affair with a married women I was going through his phone when I found inappropriate text messages and he told her that he loved her,I felt like my world collapsed in a blink of an eye. He admitted to the affair and cried and begged for forgiveness but Clearly my emotions took control and on Christmas eve I kicked him out the house. I was devastated not only for myself but also for my children, how could their dad destroy our family! Well After 4 months i decided to take him back i know were all imperfect individuals but things just haven’t been the same since. Although he’s made drastic changes and is a better person today, It’s myself that has changed, I used to be so happy, compassionate, and confident. but now I’m everything but that. For a year I’ve felt alone, betrayed, emotionally unstable, I have so much resentment towards him and at times I feel like I’m in bed with the enemy. I hate the fact that I’ve allowed myself to have hate towards a women that I don’t even know , at times I look at her facebook and hate her even more her life just keeps on going while mine is just stuck in this pain, in her images she’s provocative and I’m the complete opposite, I hate my husband for giving me this feeling of insecurity, I’ve never been this way. I just want to be my old self again and be happy and secure. With Christmas eve being days away it brings back flash backs of the day it all occurred and it feels like it was just yesterday. I used to be deeply in love with him and admired him so much, and i want to get back to that place but i don’t know how!! Now i kind of keep my distance emotionally and physically. I’m scared to keep living with this pain because I know its not healthy. Am i over analyzing my situation?? Or how can i move forward with my family?
MarieDecember 30th, 2014 at 1:38 AM
Your experience is so similar to mine. My husband and I have been married 14 years. We have 3 young children. He left suddenly 18 months ago telling me he didn’t love me anymore. He was cruel he didn’t want to discuss it. He rented a unit, took more than half our savings and went on a gambling and drinking binge. 2 months later he told me he was seeing the woman at work.. a single mother. He had only been there 6 months. He went to her house one night when I took the kids to a show he didn’t want to come and he went their unknown to me getting home at 2 in the morning. I should have known that night but I trusted him of course.
In the 2 months after he left I lost 8 kg down to 45kg and was so depressed I had to take leave from my part time teaching position. I felt so humiliated that my husband had left me. He wouldn’t talk to our friends or family.
When he finally told me the truth he wanted to come back and I let him. She was contacting him and he changed his mind again and went back to her. I was so angry I stormed into their workplace to look her in the eye. Im a very quiet person but was so angry that she had disregarded my marriage for her own self. My husband put a restraining order on me. We didnt speak for 3 months and he saw the kids minimal amount of time. Then in Dec 2013 he contacted me begging me to try to reconcile sorry for his actions. Against my family and friends advice I said I would. I was so relieved that he wanted to come home. I thought my grief would end. In April he moved back in and we continued with councilling. He had a new job so contact with her was gone. She lives in the same Suburb though so it always made us uncomfortable. He didn’t want her to find out he was back with me so I was in fact for a while being very discreet which in hindsight angers me that I did that. Like you though I could never escape the hurt and betrayal. I was relieved that he was back but so resentful that he put me through such trauma. I was resentful that we lost our best friends as well as he treated them terribly. He always had drank and gambled which I didn’t like before all of this and had asked him to cut back. But he continued to do this and my tolerance just isnt the same after his betrayl. I too began getting flashbacks of the awful things he did and depression set back in. I also became and still am to an extent obsessed with her. I look at her fb account all the time and shake my head at what he ever saw in her. All I see is ugliness from the inside of her soul. I see a horrible person that I Hate and I have never hated anyone before in my life. He even went to Bali with her and her daughter .. something I can’t get my head around.
Around October I became withdrawn and our communication just shut down. I think I knew then I would never get rid of the resentment but couldn’t bring myself to end it. He ended up saying that it wasn’t working and we agreed that he should go. At least he made it easy for me. Then… a few days later he returned again begging me to reconsider. Those few days he was gone I felt relief though that my pain would be over and knew id done the right thing. He talked me into just separating but with the option that it wasn’t final. He wanted me to see a psycologist to work on my resentment issues.
Its so hard to think this man hurt me and now is begging for forgiveness and telling me how much he loves me but knowing deep down it will never be the same.
Today I told him it was over. I’m so tired of the drama and tired of trying. Im tired of blaming myself and having such low self esteem and embarrassment. He took it very badly and lashed out at me. He told me it wasnt all his fault and pretty much tried to blame me for the end of our marriage. I blamed myself for 12 long months.. I didn’t pay him enough attention I shouldn’t have gone back to work. Im not sexual enough. I didnt let him spend money etc.. But I’ve stopped blaming myself. I didnt deserve what he did.
I still hurt. I know im going to hate seeing him with someone else who might end up a step mother to our children. I hate the idea of it. It’s devastating. But I can’t go on with him anymore. He has so many issues I have put up with over the years because I was blinded by love.
I know I havnt offered you much support. Just told you my problems but I think it’s a little comforting to know that what you are feeling is completely normal. There are no answers to stay or go. Either way it forces you to be a stronger woman. But I understand your hurt. It’s awful. Xx
Ros PJanuary 2nd, 2015 at 3:27 AM
Hi, I have been married for 13 years but know my hubby for 20 years. We have been thru so much together. In 2014. September I learnt that he had a fb affair-he used to chat with her and then went to meet her and kissed her. That was as far as it went. This I heard from the ow and him. They were in contact from February to July 2014. She called me to let me know what my hubby was upto. When I confeont him, he first denied it then He said it was nothing. I have chat messages to prove it. We finally in October 2014 decided to let it go and move on, trusting him fully on the basis that him promised they was no one else. I believed him and continued.
I forgot to say, I was suspicious as he used to always have secret chats which he used to say it’s the boys group chat.
So we continue but he was still secretive about his phone. On 7 December of 2014 I got hold of his phone and was shocked, he was doing it again. I confronted him, he firsts said I read the message wrong then him told me truth. I was numb, anger, betrayal…..
I could believe it. He was having a other affair with a co-worker and it’s been helping from April 2014. I was confused he had me and 2 other women. What the hell is going on! My mind started to drift, how many others are there?
He said the first was nothing but this coworker he is in love with her and loves her. He also said he loves me just as much. He doesn’t want to lose both of us. He wants me to share!!!!! What????
I am so confused, I love him So much. I feel it so difficult to let go. But I als don’t want him to stay because he feels trapped because we have a child that is 10years.
He keeps on saying he wants both of us. I have told him has he considered the consequences that as much as she isn’t asking for any commitments now, that she will soon, he would need to choose.
He says he knows he wants both of us but he hasn’t thougt of the consequences. I also reminded him that he has a good relationship with her at work but is it like that out there, does he realize the responsibility that comes with his choices. He says he has thought that far.
He says he needs time and it sort itself out. I asked wat is he waiting for. He says his confused he needs time.
I am do confused! Wat do I do and hoe do I let go or deal with this affair as she is still in touch with he and him with he in a work level / that wat he says!!
Help! So lost
VeronicaDecember 24th, 2014 at 12:15 PM
I’m a female. I cheated more than once on my husband. I told him repeatedly that I was unhappy and I needed more attention and affection. I am a straightforward person and have never asked him to guess how I feel.
It’s been years since I cheated but it is clear that he cannot move on but doesn’t want to get divorced either. I’m a prisoner. I can go to work and come home. He looks over my shoulders when I’m on the computer, checks my phone records and much more. I can’t go out with friends. He sees something in everything even though there is nothing there to see. I know that I am at fault for cheating but how long must I live like this before I have paid for what I did?
If you have been cheated on, I think you have to make a decision. You have to commit to staying together with that person or leave. That is the most healthy for both involved. Cheating on someone is wrong but it doesn’t give a person the right to mentally abuse the cheater.
ShellyJanuary 21st, 2015 at 1:46 AM
The cheater brought this on themselves and the only reason they have to deal with a hurt and angry spouse is because the spouse loves them and is trying to work things out. My husband cheated and now I live in emotional he’ll every day. That was not the life I chose for myself that is the life HE chose for us. He may get upset when I am brings things up but I try with everything I am not to do that. With that said there isn’t a 5 min span during my day that it isn’t on my mind. I am devastated and I don’t believe I will ever feel truly loved ever again. He took that away from me. I will never feel safe. I feel like my life is just a waste. If I didn’t have my daughter I would have killed myself. This has destroyed me. So you will pardon me if I don’t agree with you. Pardon me for not feeling sorry for the cheater and what they have to go through. Maybe they should have thought of that prior to doing what they did. He wants me to swallow everything to save him from having to deal with an uncomfortable conversation… Why didn’t he think of how he was killing me with his decisions… I don’t feel bad for you. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. It is my own private hell that I will live in for eternity. My only hope is that my daughter NEVER has to endure such a nightmare.
January 21st, 2015 at
Thank you for your comment, Shelly. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html
The GoodTherapy.org Team
AlexaJanuary 21st, 2015 at 2:48 PM
Shelly, I agree with you completely. I feel the EXACT same, and also have a child.
Can i ask how long you’ve been dealing with this? I found out 10 months ago and it seems to be getting worse for me.
ShellyFebruary 12th, 2015 at 7:02 PM
I found out on June 27th 2013… I was so completely shocked when I found out that I automatically went into recovery mode… All I wanted was for him to stay… I wanted what we had the hour before I found out. I was devastated. And to boot the month he started sleeping with her was when our babies were due had I not miscarried.. it was such a horrible time for me and I believed he was there for me when really the only reason he was Being good to me was so I wouldn’t suspect anything. Every day I regret not taking another course of action.. as soon as I realized I confronted him as soon as he got home from work… He had plans to see her the next night and I should have bitten my tongue and caught him in the act..there would be no way to continue the marriage. I’m so tired of people telling me to let it go! How the heck am I supposed to do that!?? What happens if he cheats again?? Then everyone says it’s my own fault for trusting him after I found out the first time.
I have no one to talk to about it… My mother tells me to let it go.. not possible.. my best friend will tell me to leave him… The problem is I still love him.. that is the only reason we are still together.
I honestly don’t believe I will ever be over it as long as we are together… I have to be able to have him to get over this.. it sickens me to think that this is how my life is going to be until I die. I have broken my hand 2 x since finding out and have hurt myself trying to deal with the emotional torture.. I find that the physical pain not only distracts my mind it is way less painful.
Almost a year ago I was injured at work with a back injury.. and since then I cannot workout or do lots of the things I used to.. I spent the first 5 months in bed and have put on about 30 lbs… So now I feel even worse… I don’t know how to make this any easier.
I don’t know how I can go on any more… If not for my daughter.
I’m sorry to hear that so many other woman are going through this. I am 40 and feel like my life is over and besides Being there for my daughter I am a waste of air.
February 13th, 2015 at
Hi, Shelly. We received the comment that you submitted on our blog earlier today. Thank you so much for visiting GoodTherapy.org. If you are experiencing a life-threatening emergency, in danger of hurting yourself or others, feeling suicidal, overwhelmed, or in crisis, it’s very important that you get immediate help! You can do one of the following immediately:
• Call your local law enforcement agency (911);
• Go to the nearest hospital emergency room;
• Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 (TTY:1-800-799-4TTY)
The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is equipped to take a wide range of calls, from immediate suicidal crisis to providing information about mental health. Some of the reasons to call are listed below:
• Call to speak with someone who cares;
• Call if you feel you might be in danger of hurting yourself;
• Call to find referrals to mental health services in your area;
• Call to speak to a crisis worker about someone you’re concerned about.
If you are a victim of domestic violence, you can call your local hotline and/or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE (7233) (TTY 1−800−787−3224)
RAINN provides support for sexual assault victims and their loved ones through two hotlines at 800.656.HOPE and Online.RAINN.org. Whether you are more comfortable on the telephone or online, RAINN has services that can guide you in your recovery.
• The National Sexual Assault Hotline: If you need support, call 800.656.HOPE, and you will be directed to a rape crisis center near your area.
• The National Sexual Assault Online Hotline: is the first secure web-based crisis hotline providing live and anonymous support through an interface as intuitive as instant messaging.
• For more information visit http://rainn.org/get-help/national-sexual-assault-online-hotline.
The GoodTherapy.org Team
I'm hurt tooFebruary 4th, 2015 at 10:59 PM
I feel the same exact way. We have a daughter and she is the only reason I am still alive.
ShellyFebruary 12th, 2015 at 7:09 PM
What are we supposed to do… I feel so emotionally scarred… And scars may fade but they are always there… I think about this every day all day. I’m so hurt and he doesn’t want to talk about it. What am I supposed to do. I wish he would just tell me he doesn’t love me. These cowards just sit back and make us make all the hard decisions. I wish there was a way to meet some of you to have someone to talk to.. but them I believe that I would end up more upset and it will just get worse. I’m stuck.
Any words of comfort would be very Comforting.
JoleexFebruary 13th, 2015 at 3:33 AM
My husband and I finally started going to a counselor (because I had finally had it & was ready to leave for good) and although my pain is still so real I believe it is helping and I stayed with him. Besides the obvious reason for my hurt (his affair) it really bothered me that it was always on my mind & he would never talk about it. When we went to the counselor for the first time I expressed this & my husband said how would him bringing it up help us? He told the counselor that would only keep the affair alive! Thank God for the counselor because he looked right at my husband and told him he was wrong. He continued to tell my husband not addressing it is the reason I’m having a harder time dealing with it. Now here we are one month later and since that day my husband ask me everyday “how are you today in regards to the affair? “What can I do for you”? In the beginning I would express my feelings and he would to the best of his ability be supportive & honestly as the days passed and he continued to ask my pain got less. Now 9 out of 10 times I say I’m good, thank you for asking. I don’t know if we will make it but it looks a lot brighter then it did few weeks ago. Of course the fact that I still have to see the women weekly it will always be sorta in my face but how my husband is dealing with my hurt (finally) is helping. Keep your head up. It got pretty nasty in my house because I finally got to my limit and when he saw I no longer was going to allow him to do this he quickly changed. Stay true to you. I’m thinking of you along with everyone else who has experienced this horrific pain.
kimFebruary 22nd, 2015 at 6:19 PM
Shelly..I know how you feel all too well..Everday living with the extreme hurt and pain..My mind never shuts off from thinking about it..Never..It has detroyed everything in me..I hope you find peace and rest..
ShellyFebruary 27th, 2015 at 7:03 PM
Joleex and Kim,
Thank you so much for responding. It means so much to me to know that there are other woman out there like me. It makes me feel like its not all my fault if it is happening to other woman.
I decided to try something… I gave up talking about the affair for lent. I know it sounds weird but the father at my church spoke of how you should give up something up that will in turn make you a better person. When I’m happy I am a better mother, wife, daughter, sister and friend.
I had felt like I had every right to bring it up and felt that if I didn’t it was to spare my husbands feeling and I didn’t think he deserved that. I am not saying now that I’m doing this to ease his suffering. I am trying to convince myself that I deserve to be free from the pain, that I deserve to be happy. I do not want her in my life so I have choosen to cut her out if it. The fact that his life will GREATLY improve with this change is just an incidental perk for him. I still think about it… I always will but lately I’ve been able to put it out of my mind. In the past when it would run through my head I would let it stir until I couldn’t keep it to myself. Now I push it out immediately because I know that I deserve peace and better days. I love him and want to be happy and right now I actually have control over that. It is also very helpful to think that this is what God wants me to do. I can still let my husband know that I’m worried and insecure about our relationship, but I talk about it in a very calm not angry way and I just don’t bring her or the actions up. He knows why I feel the way I do so there is no need for me to tell him again. I have not told him what I’m doing and he isn’t going to ask why I’ve stopped going crazy about it. And it isn’t for him anyway… It’s for me. It feels better to finally regain control over my life and if something happens and we split it will be on my terms and not because what has happened in the past but for what he is doing now that I have decided isn’t good enough for me and what I need from a partner.
Once I decided to do it for me it was easier than I thought. I hope that other woman may be able to gain something from this although I know that it won’t happen until you are ready to put some of baggage you are carrying into the trash where it so rightfully belongs.
At least I’m trying..
Lynn SomersteinDecember 26th, 2014 at 9:48 AM
I am so sorry that you’ve had this experience–it is difficult to live through. I wonder if you and your husband might consider consulting a marriage counselor, who might help you move forward.
Take care and good luck– and let me know how things go.
Lynn SomersteinJanuary 2nd, 2015 at 7:35 PM
I hear that you are in pain and confused, and it sounds like your husband is too. Have you considered marital therapy? It might help to have someone to listen to you both, and perhaps sort things out.
JenJanuary 4th, 2015 at 2:38 PM
I learned my 65 year old husband was having an affair last August, with a 35 year old woman of 4 kids and married too. I looked at our cell phone records and they had been ‘carrying on’ for 2 months but he still lied and said he had not been calling her until I showed him the phone records. He thought he had a password on the account and that I could not access them. Wrong! I am seeing a counselor (he won’t go) for this now, and I chose to stay in the marriage to see if I could live with it. I can’t get over it. The girl passes by our house every day and visits her sick mother who lives right beside us. My husband is self employed so he is around home daily. I don’t trust him for sure. I want a divorce but since I stayed, I feel like he thinks I am over it when I am not. He has cancer and I also feel guilty for leaving him. I am so confused! And too old to deal with it all. Any thoughts and comments from anyone will help. I guess I need a push to do what is right for myself.
EJanuary 7th, 2015 at 10:49 PM
I understand what u are going thru. I been in a similar situation that carried on for years. I wish I had someone to hold my hand cuz infidelity knocked me down so hard it broke some bones. Leave the cancer fool to rot. Do you! You are worth it and deserve better. Believe me there is someone out there who cares for u. I recommend that u exercise, stay connected to friends and family. If not socialize and go get u some. Bottom line do u! U deserve better!
CJanuary 7th, 2015 at 11:11 PM
JoleexJanuary 10th, 2015 at 11:06 AM
Someone please help me either with advice or to tell me I’m not crazy. Before we were married my now husband and I were living together but within the first 3 years of dating he left and went back to his ex wife. My husband would always come back within a week or two and would always say it wasn’t about her it was about being with his kids. This made it very difficult for my kids and his since they all still went to school together. Every time he came back I would ask if they slept together, he always said no not at all. He went into great detail how they slept in separate rooms and how she would try but he was so repulsed and would push her away. Every time he would come back she would send me nasty text about them having sex. He would call her crazy and swore she was lying. I did believe him because I personally have experienced her craziness when she picks/drops kids off. Long story short I put my foot down and told him he can’t keep leaving and then coming back. He promised he would never do it again and he was confused bc he hated only seeing his kids 50% of the time. 4 years after dating and him no longer leaving he proposed to me! I did say yes because he never again left after the 3rd time and he also never cheated when he went back to her (well the kids as he said). We have a great wedding and when we returned home My now husband returned to work & I got a package in the mail. On the package it was written “wedding gift, congrats”! I was so excited to open it. It was a movie? Ok so I pooped it in to see what it was. It was a video of my now husband having sex with his ex wife! It was numerous time over numerous dates! Omg my heart was broken just married less then one week. In the video not only were they having sex but he was bashing me. When my husband returned home I told him I needed to talk. I asked him again if any of the times he left did he have sex with his ex?! He again said no. I informed him of the video and how he was a liar!! He obviously couldn’t deny it anymore and was crying he’s sorry please forgive him. He said he was stupid and he only wants me that’s y he hasn’t left again and y he wanted to get married to me. Well this is 2 yrs ago now and I still can’t past it. I can’t get past it bc his ex is in my life everyday bc the kids and she is so horrible to me and 9times out of 10 my husband won’t say anything to her to defend me. He tells me it’s not worth it bc she’s crazy. Ok yes she’s crazy but she at least told me the truth! She does go out of her way to hurt me daily. My husband also isn’t very comforting with me. He only says sorry when I bring it up, but never on his own. He gets mad bc I’m not over it, he’s says it’s been years. Maybe for him but bc he won’t ask how I am or maybe defend me to her I can’t move past. I feel like I’m going against everything. I think I could get over it if he was super great with me but instead he’s cocky and tells me I will ruin our family. I do love him but I’m not the same since this news. If I bring it up bc I’m having a rough day he says “why r u tying the day, just be living with me”! Really omg am I crazy. When we have sex I can’t get image of him with her out of my head! I use to always undress infront of him now I’m so ashamed bc in video he was making fun of me to her. Oh please someone help
LeanneJanuary 11th, 2015 at 5:10 AM
Hi Ted, I have just found this website, while trying to find people who may know what I feel. It is so important and helpful. I was especially interested in your response and I would like to reply. Why? I think I am probably replying to my husband… I have no closure. None. I also know I am a good person and a sane person and I have not imagined a loving marriage. It was blown apart however.
I was married for 20 years, and lived with my husband for 5 years before our wedding. He then left me, 4 days before Christmas, saying he was a failure and I deserved better. He is a senior executive with a mining company and in the 7 months prior to the day he left, he had two retrenchments and we moved from acreage to suburbia. There is no doubt his self esteem was rocked and I honestly thought he was extremely depressed.
I am sure many people believe that for a marriage to end there must be problems. I thought we had problems caused by factors out of our control. I was extremely proud of my husband and we were best friends and happy for many years but like all relationships, we had ups and downs. The downs were quickly resolved however. if we were not at home together, we spoke on the phone every day, sometimes twice a day, for 25 years. He more often called me. We were affectionate and loving. We have two sons. Wonderful young men, 19 and 16. We were the couple others thought least likely to ever break up.
When I married my husband he was a diesel mechanic and I was a teacher. He wanted to go to University and so he took a job overseas on a 6 week on, two week off roster soon after our wedding and we saved very hard so he could study full time. We wanted children also, he more than I, and we had our first son almost straight away. I took some time off work and we also lived overseas in some very remote places, and had our second son. Then he studied and I returned to teaching to help pay bills.
Once he had his degree, his career advanced very quickly. He started earning very high salaries and would say to me that his career should take precedence over mine because he had such huge earning potential. I didn’t argue. (I should have.)
I found out almost 12 months after he had actually left me that he had been having an affair while we were still married. I was the very last to know. He had started this affair after his first retrenchment, and had taken a job which meant he was working away mid week. He left me to be with this woman. (I guess he was feeling he had failed somehow and her attention made him feel good… I honestly do not know. All I do know is that he hid it extremely well and came home to me every weekend, still called me everyday…)
He told his family, our children, a number of friends but not me. He told me there was no one else?? His family found this unbelievable and now do not speak to him. He then became very cruel toward me and stopped all financial support because he didn’t think he should be accused of ‘crap’ when I asked him directly. I know now that his girlfriend had just moved in with him a week before. He then stopped all payments until I agreed to a settlement he dictated and gave false information on.
He now accuses me of turning our sons against him. He has completely demonised me and says how unhappy he was in our marriage and how I must take responsibility. His eyes are unbelievably cold.
My sons are old enough to see his lies to them, and have heard too many lies from him. They rarely speak to him now but I know they hurt so much. I have asked my ex husband for family counselling because my sons feel like they have been left too. He refuses. I have had so many emotions over the last 12 months and the betrayal is overwhelming. How can I ever trust again?
My husband was a simple mechanic when I fell in love with him and as he became more successful, he changed, so gradually but surely. I fell in love with his kindness and now there is none and I have no love for him now. I grieve everyday for a person I must believe I didn’t imagine. I will never understand how someone can turn on another. Never.
I am now 54 and I have my own business, am building a new house and have to watch every penny. My sons are extremely loving and supportive and I have a few really lovely friends. I know I am lucky but I struggle with the sadness I constantly feel. I hide it, but it is always with me.
I wonder if my story is not common?
My husband also had a terrible childhood and always compared himself to school friends. There are so many layers and I have to finish. And no excuses for cruelty and lies.
I just ask, Ted, that you do not generalise.
MadelineJanuary 24th, 2015 at 3:56 AM
Hi my husband had a 7 month emotional affair with a woman quarter his age his reasons were he felt a serious lack of excitement in our marriage. We have been married 16 years and have 3 children personally I didn’t feel any of what he is claiming in my opinion our marriage was rock solid. Even after I discovered the affair it took him months to finally let go and say he was committed to fixing our marriage during this time the rage and feelings of jealousy are consuming me. I moved out of our home today at the request of my husband (was either him or i) he said I need to think about what it is I want and this separation comes with full freedom for both. I know I should be spending this time thinking about me and what it is I want but I am consumed with thoughts what he will be doing, will he try to reconnect with his lover? Will he try and meet someone new? I can’t function I feel like stuck i. Quick sand unable to move we have a great marriage he’s a good father we were best friends. Please help me understand how I can move forward from this and is this separation the beginning of the end ?
HeatherJanuary 24th, 2015 at 1:47 PM
Wow, I’m glad to know I am not going crazy. I have been badgering my husband with questions of his infidelities. Everyone tells me to move on and be happy. Any little thing reminds me of what he has done. When I married my husband I was a party girl who had her fun and was ready to settle down. Well he was very inexperience and love to stayed home. So I thought I had found the perfect man. He worked, cooked, clean, and never went out. I cheated at the beginning of the marriage since he had pre ejaculation and he was a workaholic, and felt lonely. After a month affair I knew what I did was wrong and never did this again. We have been together 13 years, and he decides to cheat when we have 2 kids and ruin our little perfect family. For the last 2 years he has had one emotional affair, 3 escorts, and slept with an co-worker. He also confessed that 7 years ago with another co-worker gave him a BJ, but he refused to sleep with her.
It seems he became another person, he was never loyal to any of these women. His typical day 2 years ago involved calling 5-10 escorts and/or a girl at work for 4 months(no sex). He then confessed last april that he slept with another co-worker. Again after looking at phone records I saw he called the escorts and the co-worker. This one took the bait and slept with him at a hotel when I kicked him out after an argument.
The girl told me that he told her and several co workers that he was getting a divorce and moving to another state, because he was so unhappy. Unbeknownst to me I thought we were making progress in our marital problems. It’s almost a year and the pain does not go away. I want to think he had a mid life crisis, and sometimes I blame myself. After seeing so many women are going through this issue, it sad to see that this is happening to the foundation of marriage. He has repented, is attentive and is better than ever but I can’t get the images out of my mind.
I went and slept with an ex to see if this would give me some sort of bitter sweet revenge. When your 25 you can do that, when you are 35 with 2 kids it is another story. I felt horrible for stooping to his level.
TrishJanuary 24th, 2015 at 8:23 PM
I just caught my husband cheating. He denied it right up to the point I showed him the video from our home security camera of him talking to her on the phone. This is the second time in our 10 year relationship that I have caught him cheating. The first time was 5 years ago, I gave him a second chance then. I’m in the process of getting my ducks in a row to divorce him. We are still living together and are in counsouling. He actually belives we are staying together and that he has gotten away with cheating twice. It is hard to live each day with this creep. I’m getting through by focusing on getting things in order for the divorce and thinking about the glorious day the Sheriff knocks on the door and hands him the papers. I’m sure he will be as shocked as I was when I caught him cheating again.
DominiqueFebruary 6th, 2015 at 11:59 PM
I’ve been married for 4 years and my husband has had phone conversations with at least 3 other women. Recently he has admitted to sleeping with someone else after I read text message that was in his phone I can’t get pass this I’m angry as long as we’re home together but when I leave I’m fine.How do I get pass this after I’ve forgive him but I’m not over it….
broken hearted mariaFebruary 16th, 2015 at 3:31 PM
Thank you for sharing it helps a little. I too found out my husband was having an affair when I was told he had an accident at work I rushed to the hospital. While he was being operated, my mobile died I decided to use his which after 15 years of marriage was unusual enough. While looking for a number I came upon texts to the other woman. I was so broken hearted he said he was going through a hard time & she was there for him as he was sucidal at the time. I had no idea he felt that way how could I of helped. From the texts it seems the affair went on a few months. Anyway a year on, we too have been trying to work through it. Sometimes it’s great then other days like today it’s crap because I know this day last year he stopped off at a hotel to be with her for his birthday. it’s difficult because he doesn’t want to talk about it says it’s a year ago were better let’s move on. I feel like we’ll never be better, I’ll never forget her I see her at the School gates everyday. I so want to destroy her marriage like she has mine but I know it wouldn’t do any good. Will I ever get past the anger? Will I ever be able to tell someone about the affair, I have 2 children we live in a village if it got out I couldn’t face the school gates. What to do???
MicheleFebruary 26th, 2015 at 7:41 AM
I am going through the same exact thing. It happened a year ago and I can’t seem to quit thinking about it. I think I’m more depressed now than I was before. I think another problem is I have is if he did it once he will eventually do it again after things are smoothed out between us.
broken hearted mariaFebruary 27th, 2015 at 7:10 AM
Michelle, I totally understand where your coming from. I am trying really hard to get my own life outside of his. I have joined a gym & I’m taking a few classes. I am no longer sitting pretty waiting on my man it my way or the highway. Not that it’s easy I still see her at the school gates. I have never confronted her but still feel like ripping her head off. It’s mad because most of the time I blame her when I know it’s his fault & my anger is misdirected. He is trying sometimes I do feel he could try harder. But I kinda suspect I will never get over it. I will always be suspicious of him when he goes out without me now. The thing is I have decided to just be as selfish as he has been in the past. I’m making this year about me & putting his kids firmly in his lap when I want to do something. This year is my time, with or without him.
broken hearted mariaApril 2nd, 2015 at 3:12 PM
Michelle, how are you doing now?
michelleFebruary 22nd, 2015 at 5:30 PM
Hi. I too discovered my husband had 2 affairs. The first was a month long. I suspected it and he denied it for 10 months. He started acting weird around 9 months after the first one. telling me he was to old for sex. He was 34. I asked for his work phone he refused. He Left the house came back and said here u can look through it. He erased it. Then he admit to the girl 10 months prior. I called her and she said he lied to her about being with me. And she started watching his fb and saw how I would tag him in posts. She told him to screw off. Then she told me she saw him a few days prior and he told her he had a new girlfriend. 2 months later I found his work cell and I discovered he was cheating again. He denied it and so did the girl. For 3 weeks my husband treated me like a queen. Took me on a Minnie vaca. While we were there we decided we were moving there. I flew home. He stayed to find a place. I got home and the woman came and told me she had a 4 month affair with him. She said he told her we were getting a divorce And I was crazy. I called him on speaker phone with her there and he admit it. Before we went on our vaca we were in marriage counseling. He said it didn’t work. But to be honest it didn’t work because he was still cheating. we been together for almost 18 years and we have 5 kids. he has switched jobs ( he is a tow truck driver and worked over nights) and now works days. He is I think trying. But I am struggling with this. I am so close to filing for a divorce. I am so confused
BriannaFebruary 23rd, 2015 at 4:12 AM
My husband and I been together for 8 yrs but married for 2 yrs. Prior to our marriage he has cheated on me with 1 girl for almost 4yrs oh and there was a possibility of her being pregnant and a possible 2 other women. (Was never confirmed). I married him becaus he said he would change. He hasn’t cheated on me since but I for some reason cannot move on. We have 2 kids together. Now that we’re married, he hasn’t cheaters but there are other things within our marriage that makes me upset and move cannot move on. I feel like I cannot do this anymore. Also my kids are 5 and 7 how would they response. Any advice?
nathanMarch 8th, 2015 at 8:59 AM
i have hurt my wife i cheated on her well she was pregnent and i fell out of love please help me i do love her and want to help her get over it i have 5 weeks 5 day till we get a separation please help me i dont no what to do
JoleexMarch 8th, 2015 at 1:42 PM
First I would continue to tell her how sorry you are & for me it was very important for my husband to ask me daily how I was as far as the affair. My husband wanting me to just forget how he broke my heart was not helping rather making it twice as bad! We still go see a doctor weekly, I encourage you both to do that & if she doesn’t want to then you go! You go and show her how important it is for you to understand her pain. I won’t lie and tell you it’s easy! It’s a pain no one can imagine unless you have been there. The best advice is be sincere, loving, compassionate… Do not judge rather leave your pride at the door since you made her do the same when you cheated! I wish you well and more importantly I wish the pain you have caused your wife (as my husband did to me) you never have to feel that.
Lynn SomersteinMarch 8th, 2015 at 11:16 AM
You and your wife are going through very had times. Maybe finding a counselor would help you both find your way.
TeresaMarch 12th, 2015 at 4:38 AM
Hi, I found out about my husbands affair with a woman 20 years younger than him 3 years ago. We went to couples counselling at first, but after six months he didn’t feel that it was helping. I can’t get past the hurt and betrayal and I am constantly looking for him to be cheating again. I am always watching him and checking he is where he says he would be. I know it is affecting our chances of moving passed this and staying together but it is like I am obsessed. I can’t help it. He meantime can’t see why he cannot remain friends with this woman. They both work for the same place although he is changing locations later this month. I feel so inferior. I have always loved him and never been tempted to stray by anyone. I was devastated at the time, still am really.
March 12th, 2015 at
You are loyal, working to improve your relationship with your husband, and frightened that he may not be on the same page as you.
I admit that I was shocked that when I came to the end of your letter you said that you feel “so inferior”–that’s not how you sound to me at all–to the contrary.
You might consider working with a therapist about your self confidence and self image, someone who will help you value yourself more accurately.
Thank you very much for writing in, and I hope that things get better for you.
MaryMarch 19th, 2015 at 8:33 AM
Six months ago, I found out my husband was having an affair – again. He had cheated on me before we were engaged, but promised it would never happen again. I believed him and wanted our relationship to work. I forgave him and let it go; the past was in the past. A few years later we got married; it was the happiest time of my life. I couldn’t have been happier. Life was good. And then, this past summer, he came home from his job overseas and had a herpes blister. And then a woman he’d been having an affair with contacted me. She had seen the blister and wouldn’t have sex with him – and wanted me to know he was cheating not only overseas but with her too. They had met 6 months before he and I got married; they’d been dating. She thought we’d called off the wedding. The wedding: the happiest day of my life. How could he destroy me like that? How could he destroy us – our family – like that? I’m devastated; I still am. I work from home and now travel with him everywhere he goes (he wants me to so I know he’s not cheating). I live in a hotel room and never get to leave or go anywhere without him. This last time, I went to see my daughter (from my first marriage) before I came overseas so he was here a week before me. And I found condoms hidden in a ceiling tile in the bathroom. Apparently he’d been with someone before I got here. I used to be so incredibly happy and in love; we were so perfect. And now, I’m absolutely crushed and empty. I’m embarrassed that he’s cheating on me (again) and don’t want people to know I’ve failed at my second marriage. So I stay. I cry every day when he’s gone to work. All I do is cry, eat and sleep anymore. I can’t even focus on work most of the time. I’m so mad at him for ruining everything we had; the happiness and joy we had; the family we had. I’m such an idiot for not even seeing it – either time. Both times, the women came to me and told me. What an idiot I am; like a love struck teenager. And I was…so in love; so happy. Now, so empty and hurting with no one to talk to… (Oh…and yes, if you’re wondering, he gave me herpes before I ever even knew he had it. Now not only does his body disgust me, but so does mine.)
The GoodTherapy.org TeamMarch 19th, 2015 at 10:13 AM
Thank you for your comment, Mary. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html
The GoodTherapy.org Team
GiovaninnaMarch 20th, 2015 at 10:57 PM
Your husband’s infidelities have nothing to do with you. A factor most women are unaware of with a man who has an addiction. As you found hidden condoms is likened to an alcoholic who hides his liquor from his wife.
I am where you are; the pain, the anguish. Nothing I could have done would have changed my husband’s choices. In retrospect, I should have interviewed his parents more closely – a disconnected family, before I chose to accept is proposal. Family is not a priority nor love if he knows not of such splendor and such joy.
God bless and pray for Wisdom to understand,
heidiMarch 26th, 2015 at 8:21 PM
I look at it this way. My husband who cheated and the young girl he as with for two and a half years stole from me. They rewrote on the pages of my past. Altered every moment and memory… it is so painful to look back and continue to realize so many moments even a year later that were rewritten by the two of them. She has moved on has a boyfriend and moved. He knew every minute what was going on. It is I that have had the lines and the words in the chapters viciously rewritten and scribbled out without my consent without my permission. Infidelity is incredibly cruel and selfish.
AnitaMarch 29th, 2015 at 2:25 PM
I found out 8 months ago that my husband was having an emotional affair. At first he asked for a divorce and wanted me to move on. Then he said he wanted to work things out and I let him come home. Then my nightmares started. He still kept seeing her. He started picking up her kids from school and he would take her son to basketball practice. She would post things on facebook thanking him for all he did for her. He steps talking to all his family and he kicked out his mom from our house because he felt she was putting things in my head. He doesn’t want me anywhere near his friends and he blocked me on all social media. He comes and goes as he pleases and he stopped helping me provide for our 4 kids. Now I feel like I’m a single mom with a marriage certificate that keeps me locked down to a man that makes me feel like I’m crazy. Every time I asked him to leave he makes me feel like I’m giving up on our marriage because he knows that deep down I don’t be leave in divorce. He thinks because he talks nice and he don’t call me names or hit me that he is not hurting me and I just need to get over it and deal. I think about this all the time it’s making me so sick. I lost over 25lb and I used to be 119. So you can picture what I look like. I have brake downs where I cry and cry and I feel like I can’t stop. I feel like Im in a battle between my head and my heart. Because I’m a smart girl and I know I should get out but my heart keeps me here. I don’t have many friends and I went from have so many people around to know one. Because he made is so I don’t have anyone to help me. Know one wants to be in the middle. I need some advice.
BarqahMarch 30th, 2015 at 12:19 PM
sometimes life can be hell,and we can feel like we are stuck somewhere we cant leave.i would like to first tell you that nothing lasts forever,and someday you will be out of that mess.you need to think of yourself,especially your self worth and your children,you need to be strong and realise that this man has hurt you,keeps hurting you and will always hurt you.if he say,s you are giving up on your marriage,that doesn,t make sense,coz what is marriage?is marriage hurting the one you love??The pain of infidelity is so deep and i can feel you on that,i too is going through recovery from an affair and i know how deep it can hurt….
Anita,nobody in this forum has an answer for you,it is only you who knows hw far you can go and how much you can take,it is only you who knows how deep you have been hurt.decide for yourself,but dont let another human being take you through emotional abuse and destroy who you are…for the sake of yourself and your kids,you need a life,you need friends and family,and you need to decide to either move on,say no…or keep hurting….all the best dear…
AnitaApril 3rd, 2015 at 12:49 PM
Thanks for the kind words. I’m trying truly. I know what I have to do its just going to take some time to walk away. I feel I need to emotional remove myself from him. So that I can break free. It’s amazing to me how things can change in an instant. I wish you all the best in you recovery too.
The GoodTherapy.org TeamMarch 30th, 2015 at 1:02 PM
Thank you for your comment, Anita. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html
The GoodTherapy.org Team
March 30th, 2015 at
You do need advice and also emotional support. Your best bet is to seek counselling, therapy, and/or a support group.
Good luck and take care,
AnitaApril 2nd, 2015 at 7:46 PM
I’m going to do my best to start going to a support groups. I’ve decided that I was going to stop looking for things. I would look at social media to find out things. That would just hurt me and give that girl so much power over me. I feel like she does it to get to me and I’m tired of letting this girl and him take over my life. I am determined to seek help and to get better. I want to be in a good place for my kids and for me. I’m so unhappy and I know I don’t deserve all this. I think that is what makes it so hard. Because I know I’m worth so much more then all this. I’ve been throw a lot in my life and I’ve come out just fine and this will be just one more thing to overcome. But it’s going to be so hard because when you put your life in someones hands and they walk all over it. It is so hard to get over it. Affairs are not fair. And at the end of the day we can think of it all the time and cry and scream but until our husbands want to change they never will. And believe me I know my husband don’t think or cry over me when he doing all this. So I’ve just decided to take my life back. We all should.
KatyApril 26th, 2015 at 3:33 PM
Hi Anita, I’m going through something very similar and I’m struggling. I need help.
LeaApril 2nd, 2015 at 4:49 AM
Hi, I found out in January my husband of 14 years had been having multiple affairs both sexual and emotional in the 6months prior, all while I was having extensive stays in hospital as our eldest son was being examined, tested, operated on and finally diagnosed with cancer. He began chemo in November and my husband while we were in the hospital was ‘busy’ with these other women. He says he decided in late December that i was what he wants but I feel so betrayed still, he lied to me, he did not support me and he expects me to open my arms and welcome him back into my bed. 2 weeks ago I found photos of these other women on his phone I confronted him and he told me he was bored it’s just porn but, I can’t believe him, I find myself unable to trust him. What should I do? I can’t break our family up now given the chemo and medical things that are going on with our son and the effects this is having on our other 3 children. I have tried to forgive and pretend it didn’t happen but I just can’t get the suspicions out of my head. I don’t want to be with someone I can’t trust but I love him and don’t know what else to do. I feel so useless, like its my fault all the time probably because he told me it was my fault, it is impacting the rest of my life. My relationships with friends as I have only told 1 person, I am so ashamed that this happened to me and that I am staying. It’s effecting my career as I can’t stop thinking about it.
Please help me
AnitaApril 2nd, 2015 at 7:55 PM
I just started a new job and this world run in my head over and over. So I read online on how to stop over thinking. Now when I find myself thinking about everything that is happening. I say to myself what is thinking about this doing for you right now. Most of the time I say hurting me. And then I say STOP now. Because know one is worth destroying yourself for. I’m not saying it will work for you but it’s helping me. Good luck and I hope you son gets better soon.
broken hearted mariaApril 3rd, 2015 at 2:02 AM
Anita, I am sorry about your situation. It’s good that you’ve started a new job, become absorbed in it , learning new skills meeting new people. Try not talk about it in work. I found the less people knew about it the better that way they weren’t treating me with kid hands.
I joined various clubs & got out walking etc… It has helped, and over time I think about the affair less & less. It’s difficult as every time his phone goes or he is going out I’m wondering & driving myself nuts. So that’s when I go off & try something that will take my mind off it like baking with the kids etc…
broken hearted mariaApril 3rd, 2015 at 2:03 AM
Ps The best of luck in your New Job hon
AnitaApril 3rd, 2015 at 10:32 AM
Thank you!! I appreciate the tips. I need to to meet new people. So I’m going to try get involved is other things too.
April 2nd, 2015 at
You and your family are under unbelievable stress, given your son’s health and your husband’s activities. This is a very complicated and painful situation for everyone. You want to protect your son and your other three children. Your family needs peace and clarity, and I strongly recommend that you seek counseling and marital therapy.This road is hard to travel without someone who can help all of you find good directions.
JosieApril 26th, 2015 at 11:18 AM
I found out August 2013 that my husband had been having an affair with a coworker that had gone on for at least a year. I know this because the previous October I had accidentally caught him texting her and he told me that she was someone he cared about but then told me he’d stop talking to her. He didn’t though, he just got a secret cell phone that I found on accident in August. He’d been caught prior to this texting a girl from our hometown (we had recently moved several states away), making plans to travel there and hook up with her under the guise of visiting his family. I was stupid enough to believe him when he said that nothing had happened between him and the girl from our hometown. Since he got caught in August, he told me that he hasn’t been a very good husband to me at all. I don’t know how many people he’s cheated on me with because I don’t think I want to know, it makes me sick. He went to counseling and we decided to work things out. He seemed very repentant and genuinely sorry about his actions and swears to me that he is a changed man. The problem is I don’t believe him yet. I’ve had blind trust for the past 19 years with him and he’s shattered that. I will never have blind faith in another human being. Ever. I have smoldering anger for this situation, and for him. I’m angry that I was so stupid, that I ignored all signs that in retrospect were right there. I’m angry that I put all my energy into being a good wife and a good mother, all while working full time and getting two bachelor’s degrees, while he was “working late” or “going fishing” or “going to hang out with his friend”. I’m angry at him for taking advantage of me, for betraying me, for not caring at all about me or about what he could have been exposing me to….yeah, he swears he used a condom every time but I’m not an idiot. I got full std testing done and insisted that he do the same before I would be intimate with him again and thank god we were clean.
I am struggling with wanting to confront the other woman. I want to tell her that she doesn’t know me, but she owed it to me as a human being and as a woman NOT to sleep with my husband. She’s married and has two kids and has had multiple affairs at work, with both men and women. I feel like telling her husband, to exact some sort of revenge. But then I don’t want to be the one to inadvertently pave the way for her and my husband to start up their affair again, if her husband happens to leave her.
Lately I’ve been feeling like I didn’t deserve how my husband has betrayed me, that I am a catch and that my partner should feel blessed to have me. I’m not sure my husband deserves ME. It’s been a year and a half since the affair ended and I don’t feel I’ve made much progress toward “getting over it”. I look at other couples and I’m jealous because obviously HER husband loved her enough not to cheat on her. I feel short-changed. Like, what?? I’m not good enough, lucky enough, pretty enough, to have a husband who’s never been unfaithful??
AnitaApril 28th, 2015 at 1:02 PM
I completely understand how you feel. Like you give the best of yourself and all you get is the left overs from them. Because they are to busy having affairs. For me it hurt why down to my core. I feel like no matter how much I show him I love him it will never be good enough for him to stay faithful. Knowone diserves to be cheated on and made feel insecure and lonely in your marriage. That should be the one relationship we should feel most safe. I know that’s how I felt for 14 years. But now it tainted. Like I was living a lie for so many years. Yet knowing all this I can’t seem to break free. I so deep down want him to be faithful so my babies are raised by there father. So I won’t have to go into the unknown. It’s unbelievably hard to walk away from some you loved so long and put you first. I hope your husband is being truthful and is willing to do everything in his power to make things right. Because I think that’s the only way to get over affairs. Is when the person who cheats is will to do all the work it takes to rebuild trust.
Good luck and I hope what ever you decide it all turns out well.
AileenApril 29th, 2015 at 5:00 AM
My husband told me last Nov he didn’t love me and was leaving me. He eventually moved out marital home in January & I’ve since found out he was seeing someone else. I was devastated as I still love him dearly. His accommodation was next to her & she then moved in with him in March. Since he moved out I tried to move on with my single life as I knew he had moved on and was planning to live with her at an early stage. I registered on a online dating page and started chatting to a guy which into quite explicit sexting but that came to an end due to the distance between us & work commitments. I don’t believe I sent some of the messages I did as it really wasn’t me but found it to be a distraction whilst I was at my lowest point. I then met someone else that lasted a couple of weeks & ended up staying overnight with each other. My husband then starts emailing messaging me how much he loves me but I am unsure how to take it as I didn’t believe it to be true. I kept my distance as thought he may have an ulterior motive as all the legals were getting nasty. As time went on I believed him and as I had never stopped loving him I thought we could make it work. Although his girlfriend was living with him I said I cld only move on with him if she’s gone. He told her the next day and she was gone although I do know she keeps in contact to check he is ok and that her door is always open. We started meeting up for coffees, stayed away overnight together on several occasions but things have now changed as he has seen some of the messages & pictures that were sent between me and online dating guy that I never met. He is disgusted & now doesn’t think he can get over it, he saw me in a completely different light but I know that that period of my life was the worst ever as I was distraught at him leaving. I can’t believe myself some of my messages I sent and don’t know what came over me but it really wasn’t the real me. I still love my husband to bits and don’t know what to do to help as we had so many plans for the future and although he had the affair I can see past that but feel I have messed up and ruined any chances of us ever having a future. Please help as I love him so much and he says he loves me too x
I JacksonApril 29th, 2015 at 11:29 AM
Let me make this short & no sugar coating:
Although your husband may be one of a few that are “different” it seems to be a typical pattern around men that they pounder on our guilty conscience once we women do ANYTHING with other men. Don’t know if it is a tactic to distract from their own wrongdoing/infidelity or whether they believe what they say, but do NOT let him make you feel guilty for whatever you did after he moved out.
He is probably just jealous for any attention that you give or have another man- that’s more of a hurt ego thing, and less of true affection.
We women are just too old fashioned, believing it’s dirty to even have thoughts of getting intimate with another man, we are created to be faithful and keep the family together under any circumstances. That’s why men can make us feel guilt ridden of doing something harmless compared to what they’re doing (and more harmful to us).
Don’t wear the shoe, think of it as an experience, no more and no less. Don’t be shocked or embarrassed of what you have done either, no reason to be ashamed.
Whatever you decide about a future with your husband, I wish you the best of luck, but don’t feel guilty SMS don’t let anyone make you feel guilty about your sexting or anything else. You can’t move on with your life if you let that bother you…
LilipApril 29th, 2015 at 6:44 AM
I caught husband having sex with the maid in our home. We were married for 7 years and last year June I caught him completely nude with the maid in maids room in our home. I was completely lost and didn’t control my self. So I hit my head to the wall and I was fainted. After some time I was awaken and husband told that he didn’t do any thing and the maid doesn’t know that husband is in her room etc…but all lies. So I tried to send the maid to her country but husband refused saying nothing will happen again so don’t quit your job and keep the maid. But I sent her home and husband was really sad that day. after few days I asked him crying for the days…and he happened to tell me the truth. He said he slept with the lady just three times only because I doesn’t happy with him to have sex. Any how it happened and I went to my parents, spent some time and then lot of problems raised by husbands family and finally all of them blamed me. Finally we decided that we shall be together for the sake of the kids. He is with us and work as a good husband and a good father to the kids. But how can I trust him as he betrayed me and lied to me and there’s not trust on him. Please advise me what am I to do now.
I JacksonApril 29th, 2015 at 11:40 AM
Sorry for throwing in my two cents, and let me tell you- I’m not a professional, just another woman who we g through a log herself.
Saying he only slept with the maid three times makes it sound as if that was less bad. He betrayed you, he cheated on you in your own house and with someone you trusted.
Of course his family & friends blame it all on you, because they are blind to the truth, and it’s easier to take his side than yours. And because we women are easy to blame, because we search fault on our own sides, looking for logic explanations as to WHY men do what they do. Do not stay with a man -husband or not- for the kids sake, because you teach the kids that its okay what he did, and you will be the one whose heart keeps aching. If you can get over what he did and you honestly believe that this was a once in a lifetime infidelity you may have a chance of a happy future. But honestly: he did it for three times, and would have certainly kept on if you hadn’t caught him. That doesn’t sound like a man who learned his lesson to me… Please don’t let him hurt you any more.
LilyMay 7th, 2015 at 5:00 AM
My husband and I have known one another for ten years. We have been together for 3 years and have been married for one year. We have a beautiful daughter who just turned two and we have another little girl on the way. We both decided that we wanted to have a second child but halfway through my pregnancy he told me that he no longer loved me and that he did not want to be with me anymore. I was very confused as we had just decided to have another baby. one night a girl sent him a naked photo and he denied that there was anything going on. I didn’t believe him so I took our daughter to our friends house as he was leaving for work (FIFO) the next day and I could not be around him. I got in contact with the girl and found out that they had been talking for a while. He would call me after he finished work and then he would call her after, they would send dirty messages to one another and images. I feel so betrayed and so hurt. I know they haven’t physically done anything but I feel so hurt that he could do this to me and to our children. She only just turned 18 and I just can’t believe he would want to change the lives of our children for someone so young. He has been trying really hard, helping out with everything at home constantly, washing, cooking, cleaning, bathing our daughter and he even spent an extra week out at work so that he could surprise my friend and I with a full day at a day spa. He has been sending flowers and chocolates but I feel as though it’s all tarnished. He always reassures me and answers any questions I have no matter how many times I ask them.. He says that it’s the biggest mistake of his life and that he wants to be the man I want him to be. I know he is trying but it’s so hard to get passed and really believe him. Recently his mother passed away and I’m not sure if that’s part of the reason he did do what he did. It’s not just the fact that he had this inappropriate relationship but also the fact that he was going to leave me and throw away our beautiful family. Our baby is due in five weeks and I just don’t know what to do.
May 7th, 2015 at
Sometimes people make mistakes that they truly regret, and this may be the case with you husband. Clearly you are both under a lot of stress at this time with a second child coming. Also, as you said, his mother just died and that has a great effect. Why not seek counselling and see if it’s possible to get past this and reestablish your family on a firmer footing?
Take care, and thank for writing,
LilyMay 7th, 2015 at 2:28 PM
Thank you so much for your reply Lynn.
I think I will make an appointment to see someone today. I have just been so sad and angry about it and I know it’s not healthy and I don’t want my daughter to see me upset or unhappy. Maybe he did feel as though it was truly a big mistake. Hopefully a counsellor will be able to help us and we will be able to move forward.
Thank you again for your reply
Lynn SomersteinMay 7th, 2015 at 4:52 PM
Take care Lily, and have a lovely weekend. If you like, let me know how things go.
KKMay 30th, 2015 at 10:36 PM
Last week I found out that my husband of almost 4 years had an affair since January while we were trying for a baby with a 15 years younger girl he met on business trip. He said it was serious and he loved her. I went crazy! I totally lost it! At first I was so angry that I couldn’t cry and once I started crying I couldn’t stop.
I don’t know what to do. I haven’t been able to work since I found out and I am so confused. He said that he told off the other girl and wants to be with me. I can’t even stand he’s face. I went physical and attacked him several times.
I always wanted to be married and have kids but he has broken our marriage and home.
I am thinking wether I should go and see my family (they live overseas) and stay there until further notice or stay home and face it.
I am so confused. I love him but I don’t know if I can live with this if I take him back. I know I will be paranoid and check over him constantly.
I asked him to quit the job and take back the job he had before. He refused.
If anyone has advice how to get away from this dark hole I would be more than thankful.
BarqahMay 31st, 2015 at 9:02 PM
very sorry for what happened.sometimes relationships can take a big turn on us and we end up feeling lost,confused and deeply hurt.nothing hurts more than infidelity,its the most painful and i know what you are feeling right now.I too have gone through it and struggling to let it go,6yrs of marriage and 2 kids,dealing with several incidences of infidelity.But i want to tell you one thing my dear,it was never your fault,dont ever blame yourself.you both had choices to make,he chose to cheat.to tell you the truth,its good he showed you this earlier,earlier for you to move on and make a fresh start.you dont have any kids,you can move on…i know you said you love him but love will always fade away.the mistake you will make right now is forgive him so easily,because he will do it again and again and especially when years have gone by and you are vulnerable.
even with time you will never forget my dear,it will pain you each day and you will doubt every moment you shared and will share.infidelity brakes someone completely,but you can heal,be close to your firends and family..dont go through this alone.see a counsellor if you can and begin your healing.for noq think about your self first,not him or your marriage…good luck..
KKJune 2nd, 2015 at 12:53 AM
It’s not as easy as I live far far away from my family and friends. Obviously I have friends here too but it’s not the same as back home. He was the only reason I stayed and now I feel like I have nowhere to go.. i have built my life here and I have a job that I love and have worked very hard for. My job is the only thing that does not let me buy a one way ticket and just leave. If I’d leave, I could lose my job and I do not want that.
I also want to show him that he will or ruin me but let’s be honest, he has already done it.
He has begged me to take him back but I am very uncertain about it. I think I would go to therapy and see if that will help me see things clearer or not.
I really wanted to have a baby and I thought it might happen this year and only thinking that it might not happen is just so scary.
I just feel extremely lonely, no family and now no husband..
WayneJune 26th, 2015 at 10:40 PM
I cheated on my wife 2 yrs ago and I don’t know how I can gain my wife’s love back. It wasn’t sexual but I did tell her I loved her. I was stupid and wrong . I don’t want to lose my wife.
PauJuly 1st, 2015 at 6:32 PM
Can i asked you why men cheating?i caught my husband cheating on me.before i knw he was cheating 9n me i feel it but i don’t have evidence to say to him..dont have enough strenght to express to him because i love him with all of me..womans instinct is really true..i caught him through his messges.at first i cant think what is problem with me because i know im not a bad spouse to him.i did all but then he still cheating ..now he can’t blame me i reall dont trust him fully i always spy on his phone to the point i install a tracker just to know where is he going who send him messges who send messges to him
i dont like this feeling…
why men cheat?when men cheating are they not thinking about what their wife feeling?
Ash0oneJuly 20th, 2015 at 8:26 PM
im having a lot of trouble getting over my husbands affair that was going on for about a year, right after we got married.
I saw all thee sexual messages between my husband and that girl about the times they had sex. He still has not admitted it. I found out in November last year. He deleted all his female contacts and changef hia phone number but he works with her.
I have no one to talk to about this because of the shame abd embarrasment.
Because of hus denial,i cant get over the affait and i always wonder what is going on at work or if he has a secret cell phone at work in his locker.
We have been together for 6 1/2 years and have been married for almost 2 years and have 1 child together.
i want a divorce,but then i think of our son and how it will affect him. There is barely any romance and the love he showed that girl was way stronger than what he showed me.
Lynn SomersteinJuly 21st, 2015 at 6:07 AM
I am so sorry that your trust and love have been betrayed–this is very difficult to deal with emotionally. Of course you are conflicted about what to do next, who wouldn’t be. It’s too bad there is no one you feel you can safely talk to; talking things over would surely help, as you know. Have you considered consulting a therapist, someone who would preserve your confidentiality and help you sort out your feelings? This might be one avenue towards clarity.
DestroyedJuly 28th, 2015 at 10:31 PM
I’m having a very difficult time right now since I just found out this week about my husband being with another woman. It all started out of no where.. He was away for work and met some new friends. No longer then a week being away from home he started dating one of his new friends wife’s. He first started acting weird which lead to fighting long distance. Then he told me he no longer knew how he felt about our marriage because we are so distant because he is away so often. I knew right then and there something was completely off because no matter what he has always been as the loving husband that was known for being over the top in love with his family and wife…it’s all he ever talked about. Anyways after saying he didn’t know about our marriage anymore… He then came clean and told me he’s been hanging out with his friends wife just going to private dinners alone because they are just friends nothing more. Meanwhile when this all started her husband left for business which left my husband and her alone far away. i told him to please stop this isn’t him.. The guy I know never gave another girl the time of day. Ever. And now after he admitted these dinners to me… I was destroyed… I begged him to stop seeing her… He refused… He said she was cool and they are only friends… And that I am crazy because that’s his friends wife. Anyways after days of fighting and discussing possibly separation… He refused still that there was anything between them and will never divorce me because he loves me… And I’m his rock his whole life. We also have 2 children together and married for 6 yrs. Now not even 24 hrs after he refused to give up on us and refused to quit seeing her… I got a text message earlier in the morning. Saying. I love you. I’m so sorry. I went out with her last night even though I told you I was going out with someone else… And we went bar hoping and got caught making out by other friends… Then was spotted with her living his hotel room in the morning. My husband absolutey insists that they never had sexual relations in the hotel room at all. But does admitt to making out with her 2-3 times before going to his room. My husbands profession looks very very badly on adultery and now his career is on the line. Since being caught he has begged for forgiveness and said he made the biggest mistake of his life… And he needs help and will now obtain it. I asked him directly if he would of stopped seeing her if he didn’t get caught and he said he didn’t know but probably. I can’t feel the same right now. I’m so broken and I don’t know what to do… And since this is ruining his career potentially… That’s like the only main focus it feels like right now… I’m here busy helping him clean up a mess he created. It feels so wrong… But I love him. He knew what was at risk and didn’t think twice about losing his family and his life… But now I’m supposed to be here to help collect the pieces. I can’t even truly garive and process this all… I feel like he is lying to me and that he would of replaced me for her if he wouldn’t of got caught… At first he was all about how I feel but I see that quickly becoming less important. Help me.. I don’t know what to do…
SonyaSeptember 27th, 2015 at 1:09 PM
Your husband sounds like a narcissist (as is mine). He will constantly reassure you that he loves you but still has no remorse or regret for putting his family at risk. It isn’t so much that he would replace, it’s the high of someone new. If it wasn’t her it would be someone else. Be prepared for him to do it again and again. Once men like this get a taste its unstoppable. I’m still with my husband for the sake of our kids. If I leave him, he will have all those women around my kids. I’m literally at a rock and a hard place but I know no matter what my kids and I will survive.
Lynn SomersteinAugust 2nd, 2015 at 5:15 PM
I can hear your pain and confusion loud and clear, as well as your love and rage. I think the best thing to do is go into therapy and get the help that you need. Having someone on your side will make a difference because you won’t feel so alone, and it will also help you decide on a course of action.
JayAugust 3rd, 2015 at 2:28 AM
Where to begin. 5 months ago I found out my husband cheated with his ex (previously his friend while we were dating in the past). Mind you we’ve only been married since December. I moved half way across the country to be with him only to find out they had still been talkin our whole engagement. Infact the week we got married he lied to her about even being with me. Yes she knows of me like I said they were friends when my husband and I were dating in the past. To make things worse he physically cheated 10 days after the marriage. I confronted him n ofcourse he begged me to stay n swore he would stop. They continued. Yet again I stayed as he swore to stop. Here we are 5 months later and I still can’t get over it. It’s not so much the actual cheating that disgust me it’s the blatant disrespect he had for me. Literally promising me he had changed while cheating. Did I mention we dated for about 3 yrs in the past but I left due to his infidelity. Hints y I moved in the first place. 3 more years had passed before we got married so I figured in all that time of seperation maybe we both had grown n matured. I was wrong. This time around the pain is much worse being his wife n not just a gf. I vowed to spend my life with him but now all I can think about is leaving. I don’t want to give up on a marriage but I honestly feel like there’s no way things will ever be the same. I will never trust him or feel safe again. On top of all that he talks to me absolutely crazy “out of anger” n always shuts me down when I need to talk. Telling me to stfu n basically get over it. It happened but he’s not doing it now and to focus on the now. How can I focus on the now when it still hurts as if it happened yesterday. And yes they work together so my mind is never at ease. Help?!
JayAugust 3rd, 2015 at 2:37 AM
Also wanted to mention as far as I was concerned there was no issue in our relationship for him to cheat. He let me believe everything was blissful. I asked why he did it he mainly says trying to still be a friend to her which if you ask me is bs. Friends dnt call eachother baby and talk about having quickies. He actually apologized to her for hurting her by marrying me. Smh
KatieAugust 3rd, 2015 at 6:57 PM
I found out about 5 months ago too and the pain is still so bad…
Wish someone could tell me when it starts to get better
Rona BrownOctober 6th, 2015 at 10:58 AM
My husband cheated on me as well and I haven’t trusted him since. Sometimes I hate him and other times I don’t. We have had a rough three years. I have lost my job and now I’m forced to stay until I find a job. Once I do, he is gone!! If you are able to leave, leave him because he will always be a cheater. Whether it’s online, in person, over the phone. He will stop for awhile, but he’ll do it again! I’d bet the bank on that. Children are resilient, your child will be fine as long as you are fine. Don’t keep the child away from his father and nurture that relationship. Don’t let the fact that your mate is a bad husband, stop him from being a great dad. Dump him cause you will never trust him again. Don’t waste your good years on someone that betrays you so willingly.
LynnNovember 10th, 2015 at 6:37 AM
(There are 2 Lynns posting here).
Jay, you are young, and I guess have no children yet. I suggest getting out of the marriage. Your husband has shown you who he is several times. I don’t expect he will change. I have survived 37 years of marriage and 2 known affairs, but I stayed because I didn’t want to tear up the family. I guess this was the right decision for me. How can we really know? I used to be totally against divorce. But if your husband is a liar and a cheat, you should weigh your options. It sounds like you have a painful life ahead.
Lynn SomersteinAugust 4th, 2015 at 5:45 PM
Your husband sounds very confused and needs to speak to someone, perhaps a therapist, to help him find his clarity. You might also consider seeing a marriage counselor together. I’m sorry that you are experiencing this awful pain.
GLOAugust 13th, 2015 at 10:27 AM
Coming back from a family vacation back in 2012 I was unpacking and my husband was in the shower when I noticed his phone on the bed. Not thinking anything of it as I leave my phone lying around I picked up his phone and noticed he had another email address that I never had seen before. I opened the email account and found all his messages to ads on craigslist….. right after we spent a week in Florida for March break with our family… he denied that he ever met these women… it happy again less than a year later right before I bored a plane I found out again by looking at his phone…. I was devastated again. For the sake kids I am still here. We have been married for 16 years and together for 23… when I try to talk about it, he never admits it and does not communicate with me, just sits there quietly and looks at me… no reaction.. I don’t know what I feel towards him anymore… we are living as friends who raise our children together…. I am starting to hate him more and more everyday… I don’t know how to heal this pain inside…or how to move on…
Lynn SomersteinAugust 16th, 2015 at 4:35 PM
Glo- You’ve been living in pain and insecurity for three years. It is time to move forward and seek counselling for yourself at least, and perhaps both of you.
Living in hatred is like breathing poison. It’s time seek help and stop.
MinniPSeptember 18th, 2015 at 10:02 PM
It has been over 25 years since my husband had a 6 week affair. I knew something was wrong, finally asked him, and he admitted it. I still hurt. I still think of her every day. I am not trying to hold on to any anger or resentment. What I am stuck with is the betrayal. The fact that he did not love and respect me enough to keep his vows. The hurt that someone I loved and trusted with my life did not return that same love and trust. It sits like a stone in my heart when we are watching TV shows and movies that deal with infidelity – either through comedy or drama. My world was irrevocably changed in that instant. The one person on the planet I depended on to have my back betrayed me. I lost my very best friend in the world. We have not talked about it since the week after he admitted it. His reason was that I spent too much time on our daughter, and didn’t pay enough attention to him. This is the same man that did not cheat on his first wife, even though she bore two children to two other men while they were married. We had been married 19 years. He has done everything he can to make it up to me. He buys me flowers – there is always a fresh bouquet in the house. He does 90% of the cooking, cleaning and laundry (he is retired and I have fibromyalgia). And he doesn’t understand that he can’t make it up to me. The pastor of our church once said that an affair is the only thing that a marriage can not recover from. It can go on, but it will never, never be the same. The scar remains, no matter how much you love each other. It is not about the sex – it is about the trust.
PennySeptember 27th, 2015 at 6:20 PM
My husband cheated on me 17years ago. Your pastor is right, the marriage has gone on but will never be the same. I wish with ally heart it could. I was pregnant with our second child when he slept with prostitutes. He endangered me and my unborn child with diseases for his own pleasure. Unfortunately, I will never be the same.
shanaazNovember 9th, 2015 at 7:24 AM
Hello, I want to thank you. I had the fairytale life one can only dream of. Over a year ago I found out that my husband of 17 years was in a 9 month relationship with an old fling. What followed seems almost surreal. I have come to the painful decision to divorce despite his never tiring attempts to make me happy. He feels I’m not trying hard enough, but my fears are realised in your article. Please respond.
LynnNovember 10th, 2015 at 6:19 AM
I’m finding we really don’t get over it. My husband had an affair of at least 6 months after 24 years of marriage (I highly suspect there was an earlier one which he denies). When I confronted him with the evidence he did the usual denial, calling me crazy, lieing to my face. We worked for nearly 10 years trying to rebuild the marriage, but it was never the same.
He got a job offer in a distant state 3 years ago and we were going to separate. It seemed like the perfect solution. But my grown children were excited about the move, and not knowing we were planning a separation, all arranged to move there (my 3 children and 4 grandchildren). So, after staying behind for 10 months trying to sell our home (and rebuilding confidence) I made the move, too.
A week later my 24 year old son found condoms in his dad’s car. We held a family conference because I wanted him to explain himself after uprooting his entire family and pulling this crap again. Long story short. We are still together. 37 years. We are basically roommates (he has diabetes-induced impotence). We get along well, but I have no feeling for him other than loving him as a fellow human being.
I can’t watch movies about infidelity. Sometimes out of the blue I get angry again. Last night on the phone he was talking about one of our friends who divorced and remarried after his wife’s affair, and how happy the man is now. I felt like someone had hit me in the stomach. I tried to continue the conversation, but finally told him I had to go. (He’s out of town on business).
So, I think we do forgive. We are people, and people do stupid things and deserve second chances. But the damage is done. The trust is dead. There will always be an emptiness from the death of that trust and the pain of betrayal. And with me, it seems to lie in wait and shows itself when I least expect it.
wandaSeptember 21st, 2015 at 8:46 PM
I have 4 kids by kids father. We been together 20yrs we were a couple that you couldn’t tare apart(Bonnie and Clyde). Well into our 15th year I had to do 9months in prison. There was a lot of absence from on him maybe 4 letters the whole time and a big amount of money on my books 2month before my sentence ended.Well when I was released him and his mom got into an aargument and she start telling everything he did when I was gone. I didn’t want to believe it but my kids started saying how they were at her house more than 3 times he was like staying with her leaving my kids with her they said she yelled at them etc. When he knew I was getting out he told her he couldn’t be with her anymore cause I was getting out she knew if me cause he told her. Well since we been back together he’s been talking to me like I’m a nobody. Name calling, reminding me of my flaws etc…very hurtful things. He even spit in my face one time. I can’t stop thinking about him and her,what they could of done together so on an so forth. It’s hard for me to be intimate with him anymore. Cause the bad treatment he has brought to the relationship like I’m the one did something to him. He never apologize for any thing he says to me that’s out of line. It’s been 10yrs and I can’t seem to get it out my head. Please help me what do I do? My heart feels freshly broken everyday like if I watch certain movies or talk shows that’s similar to what happened to me. He has no respect anymore it’s like his ego is booted. We don’t even have adult conversations. Every time I try he don’t participate so I leave it be at that time.Crazy we were like best friends
ConfusedOctober 9th, 2015 at 11:02 PM
Well…. Needed some where to vent…. Husband and I have been together going on 11years married for 10 years…… We are currently 27 years old… we are each others 1st but not our only. He has cheated me 4 times….. And one time unprotected!… And another time while I was 8.5months pregnant (3months ago). Today… He is trying his best and his “hardest” to get back what we once had. But I am unsure how that is suppose to happen. Cause you see, every time I look at him I get angry. Every time he touches his phone I get angry. Every time he is watching his sports in the living room while I am in the bedroom, I wonder where he put his phone. When ever I attempt to spend time together on Friday nights and snuggle…. While watching a show or move together, he falls asleep! And to get sex out of the man is beginning to become a problem for me (I love having sex) he wants it once every 2weeks… (I can’t deal with that) you see he had sex with this girl after knowing her for LESS than 24hrs!!! Spent endless nights talking on the phone after I went to sleep…. Every second while at work he would be texting her…. Pictures.. Notes… And I am angry… I am pissed and I have no idea how to deal… Cause it is not like I don’t do those things….. I do the pictures.. The dam notes… Still doing surprises… Always putting him and my children first….. And the minute I start taking care of myself by doing what ever I please he catches a heart attack… I just don’t know why I’m married anymore… I have so many things on my mind…. And typing this makes me feel hurt. I know I’m going to end up hating him.
dianaOctober 14th, 2015 at 8:49 AM
I have been married for 22yrs and we have 4 kids together. My husband has cheated on me before and i suspect he is cheating again he denies it he says im crazy.he acts different with me and i see this evil eyes when he looks at me.everthing bothers him my perfume and if i leave hairs in the tub. I have seen lipstick, writing on his clothes and he still denies it. I love him very much but he has changed i dont see that love he has with me anymore. I found him the other shaving is private area .its so hard to deal with this he says until i have proof then he will say yes.what can i do i believe she is younger and he is 48 i sometimes feel like killing him. I asked him do u love me he says i like u. Its so hard😭
LynnNovember 8th, 2015 at 2:54 PM
My situation is of course the same. Husbands two affairs with women who at different times worked in his office. Both women live in the same town. After catching him the second time I consulted an attorney and really wanted to go through with the divorce. He begged me not to because of our adult children, we’ve been married 37 yrs. I know there are other reasons that he didnt want to divorce. People in the community would see him for what he really is, he is very superficial and has an image to keep. However I am reminded daily of these two women . I havent been able to talk with anyone about this other than a counselor. I’m really feeling frustrated.
MeNovember 10th, 2015 at 8:22 AM
This is my situation. But I want to be able to get over my husbands cheating but I just can’t. The mistress is too close for comfort and has tried her best to get back into my husbands life. I refuse to let any home wrecker take what I’ve put together. Me and my children deserve and require more because we were here first. I just hope and pray that i can truly forgive. There’s nothing that he can really do or say but I just have the need to make him pay. And even if it means him staying when he doesn’t want to.
LynnNovember 11th, 2015 at 1:19 PM
Can you forgive, yet not forget?
Confused and HeartbrokenNovember 13th, 2015 at 1:05 PM
Here is my situation: I found out about a month ago, that my husband cheated on me in January. I found out by going to look at his text messages online…he was telling this other woman that he loved and missed her and could not wait to see her again. They had an on going affair from January up until I found out. He claims that they were over a long time ago and that it was just sex…but I can’t understand how it could of been strictly physical when you are telling this woman that you love and miss her. He and she communicated on an app as she already knew that he was married, she knew we just had a baby in March, and she knew that we had other kids as well. He and I have only been married a couple of years…I called her and confronted her about the affair and found out that he had taken her to his company picnics and that he also had sex with her in my home on one occasion. We just purchased a new car and he also had sex with her in our car. I am beyond disgusted. My initial reaction was to kick him out. His things were packed and out of my house when he got there. It was horrible. After finding out everything, I found out that he attempted or planned on sleeping with other woman however, it never happened. He claims that the reason he stepped out was because he was unhappy…we were not intimate, and I had no time for him…mind you, I was pregnant, going to college, and had a full time job with two kids already at home. His actions were beyond selfish. I made the decision to stay with him and seek counseling but, I can’t get past this. It is way too hard. I don’t trust him, and a lot of times I don’t even like him. He is NOW the man that I’ve always wanted him to be, but how long will this last? How long is he going to help around the house and do everything I’ve asked him to do in the past and most importantly, why couldn’t this be done before? I am so angry because I feel that had he done this before stepping out, we would be fine. However, he now wants to wait until everything has hit the fan! Now every single event that has happened this year is tarnished with the thoughts of his infidelity. How long did he wait to sleep with her again, after having our daughter. Did he sleep with her on my birthday? What about our anniversary? Did he call her during the holidays? Valentines day? How am I supposed to feel “special” as his “wife” when he gave her what was only supposed to belong to me? He did not even use protection. He risked my life and my child’s life for sexual satisfaction. I am furious.
YaNovember 18th, 2015 at 9:04 PM
I hear you!! I went through the same thing. I was pregnant and I decided to stay with him. I got pregnant 4 years later and he cheated on me again I stayed and 5 years later I got pregnant with my 3rd child and he cheated again!!! We have been married for 20 years and he’s changing again!!! I don’t hate him but I’m not in love with him. And yeah, I’m still with him.
robynnNovember 20th, 2015 at 2:26 PM
I found out My husband of 13 years was having multiple affairs 5 years ago. Once I found out he promised that the were affairs of convenience. Both affairs with old girlfriends.
We have been to couples therapy but I have always felt it was old boys club and nothing was ever addressed.
Four months ago while on holiday with my children(I begged my husband to join us) I found out that he had a woman to our home! Before going on holiday though I though that if he were going to cheat it would be while we were away so I hired a PI… My fears were confirmed. She stayed for over three hours and while there all the lights in our home were off. I confronted him a week after being home. This woman was a customer of mine. Never once did either of them mention her visit to our home. Once I asked why she was there and why all the lights were off both of them came up with a very rehearsed identical response.
I’m angry, I’m hurt and I don’t think I can stay in my marriage any longer. All the lies all the betrayal it’s too much to take!!!
November 20th, 2015 at
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BebaNovember 22nd, 2015 at 11:54 PM
My husband started cheating on me way before I was going to take care of mom she has a heart condition I love my mom but love my 3 kids and husband too he is my first love we did everything together but somehow he found himself in spam where he went on dating sites and was ready to go have an affair with random women from all over the cumunity where I live how hard is that with random people these woman might have HIV and other sicknesses and my scare is me getting something like that from him knowing that he was doing that I forgot to say that I’ve been married 27 years and I feel so hurt and betrayed but i’am always angry more cause he was going to make it to hotels and there homes! Like really wtf!!! A girl calls him to go over and do her and then gets in conflict with my daughter over the phone that made me angrier like wtf really I love my husband but I have hate for him at the same time and with high school girls 20 years old like my daughter omg and my daughter was in the same footsteps doing the same thing I have a runaway daughter that made me a young grandma omg it is a blessing but at the same time I was still searching for my daughter and he was supposed to be there to confert me and he wasn’t so how a’m I supposed to get back on my feet if I only got over my crying everyday for about a full year and she left on mother’s day that year in 2013 and my husband was busy inviting women to have sex with him and I was still on top of it all being a wife to him and a mother to my other 2 boys so how does all this help me please help me I cry everyday and don’t have friends but i’am talking about real ones not ones that mess with ur husband I really feel waisted and just turned 42 what can I do cause I cry about this everyday I think I really need help but excuse me for saying believe me i’am not crazy just need to get over all this and want help from the real people that understands me more for my pain cause my husband still says he loves me and does not know why he did it lol on that role but anyways.. Me really sad
BebaNovember 23rd, 2015 at 12:01 AM
I forgot to say that he cheated for 5 years straight “yes people for 5 whole years he has the right nerve to talk nasty to these high school girls that could be there father 22 years older than they are what that is some sh#t..
BebaNovember 23rd, 2015 at 12:11 AM
And ‘am still dealing with these girls on the gmail messaging him to go over to there house and he has a bad rep now the only thing I have is to move far my oldest son got tierd of all the bs and left home and he is diagnosed with lupus too i’am wanting to be there for my son but still dealing with my husbands bad rep he has pictures of himself and to bring it all down even of his you know what too so please help guys i’am looking for an answer what should I do cause i’am confused and want my husband’s crap to go away forever I will ad that i’am P.R.
BebaNovember 23rd, 2015 at 12:13 AM
Please guys help me answer me I can not sleep and I want to runaway!????
BebaNovember 23rd, 2015 at 9:57 PM
Hope to here from you guys soon and thank you so much.:)you guys made me put the first smile since April 7th when I found out my husband of 27 years was cheating on me for 5 years on the internet with prostitutes and random women…thank u so much
Beba's husbandNovember 23rd, 2015 at 10:45 PM
Honey is me.l never meant on joining all those nasty sites and writing all them nasty words that I did on those sites.Believe what I’m saying.Remember the way we met on the corner as you walked by.Thats in my head everyday of my life.You are the only one that makes me feel whole.You are the strength,the one that let’s me know how grateful I am to be married to the most wonderful woman,mother and friend any man could wish for.I always done things in my marriage I’m not proud of you can say I messed up but don’t ever think it was anything against you.Really saying in youth I can understand I fucked up and I knew what it to be true some of it but now after 27 wonderful years along side you I really don’t know what went over me.You more than anyone in this world know I’m against all the cheating and marriage infidelities.Honey ibcant change what has already been done but I can really say I take all the blame and will understand and workbl to make it better.For our marriage cause you’re the only one that I love and want to spend the rest of my life with.See you are the one that brightens my day when the worst has happen the one that takes away my breath when you just walk past and the one that steals my heart with every breath you take.Honey I love you now and til the hour of our death and want nothing more than your heart and soul united as one til ourvlast breathing moments.I am so sorry and will take all the heat you throw at me cause I was wrong.
BebaNovember 23rd, 2015 at 11:09 PM
Thank you so much for having to say your sorry babe,but I don’t think I will mend from all my hurt,or how long it will take for it to mend and you know I hurt fast and you know that cause I been through to much abuse in my life, and all I asked was for you to always say the truth and to always be honest with me,so with that said you should have pulled out the chair and tell me how you were messing up and that will always be my anger, all I asked was to be honest ,how hard was that,and you know I have lost our baby alexi at seven months and then our other daughter running away and doing the same thing that you were doing on the internet too, should have made you “stop” and think and you didn’t do that and now our older son don’t want to talk to us because of all your stuff to and he really needs us he is always in the hospital and he really needs us and at the end of the day we are a family that always sat around the dinner table and talked about everything, you know we haven’t done that since dez left and we don’t go anywhere as a family anymore and joke around, laugh at DJs jokes he is so silly I love him so much he is my youngest son 18 but it seems he is disrespectful now and I feel he learned that from you, the only thing I want is my family back babe that is all I ever wanted from the beginning a beautiful family, and don’t get me wrong I know we are not perfect but that’s always been us and we always taught our kids to always respect, now idk if that will go back to normal, and with you doing what you did to me sorry but only time will show! Love beba..:/
November 23rd, 2015 at
Thank yo so much for writing in and asking for suggestions. I think your best bet is to work with someone who is on your side so you feel supported while you and your helper figure out what is your best line of action. Please consider contacting a social worker, psychologist, therapist, or religious leader whom you trust and who might be able to help you.
Hurt and confusedNovember 23rd, 2015 at 8:38 PM
I am really sorry for what you are going through. I agree with Lynn. It is important that you reach out to someone that you feel is on your side during this time. You are going through a lot and you need a solid support system.
While I have been going through all of this with my husband….I decided to send an email to the mistress….not being nasty, but letting her know how I feel about what she and my husband did…Though, I place most of the blame on my husband, she knew he was married and still decided to carry on an affair…the whole ordeal is horrible.
BebaNovember 23rd, 2015 at 9:54 PM
I want to say to all that I’am so very thankful for all your support thank you so very much and yes guys I do have support but they really on top of it all don’t really know what’s in my heart and for those women that do not have respect for married men shame on you all you seem to be is sorry to say but real trash..for even knowing the the man is still married you women still go along with everything they are saying and it maybe never the truth as much as they say to you that they are being honest.. But i’am not only blaming the women the man has a whole part in his disgusting little game and he really sucks at it cause they always get caught!!! So for that said yes guys I might be wrong on what i’am saying but it will always at the end of the day..be my feelings and my children’s too..love to all you guys who support me and to all those women keep your eyes wide open and always look beside yourself there might be someone close by just like the the friend or maybe the one across the street or also at a party or a restaurant ect.. The same thing on my old book ..and you don’t need to go out to be cheating I found him on a phone doing it with random women and high school girls and caught him texting sexting and inviting himself over to there place ..always asking the give me time and place…. It really sucks to feel this way ..much love u guys and thank you so much my blessings to you hope you are well..sorry to hear the same is really sad and only we really feel so much hurt..:(
xxxNovember 25th, 2015 at 8:40 AM
Aw, this was an extremely good post. Finding the time and
actual effort to create a really good article… but what can I
say… I hesitate a lot and don’t manage to get anything done.
christina h.December 6th, 2015 at 3:34 PM
If I didn’t scare you by being so serious and this sounds like something that would interest you then we could probably hit it off if you are up for it.I’m not afraid to go for it and this is what i want from life because i deserve the best.I am opening up to you because i enjoy talking to you and i think you could be the best.You have high standards and that’s usually because you expect to get what you give from a relationship.This is almost a page long already.I feel that we have broken the ice and have found some very common grounds between us.
roseDecember 7th, 2015 at 7:52 AM
My husband cheated on me and left me. He made me feel like im the mistress. He didnt send any support coz he rather spend it on his mitress and her 2 kids. He never called his own kids for over a year now. How can i go over this anger
pellaDecember 12th, 2015 at 1:27 AM
I feel your pain and I pray you find peace. my husband soon to be ex stopped all communication with me and his sons the day he got caught in Feb of this year and doesn’t speak to his 5 sons either. it’s just awful. I am looking good for answers too. we have to realize we are so much better and deserve happiness and only we can achieve it by holding our heads up and creating a new beautiful life for ourselves and our sons or daughters left behind.
From the other sideJanuary 26th, 2016 at 6:50 AM
I am writing this to give you insist from the other side(being the other woman). I’m sure I will get lots of grief over what I’m going to write, but I hope to give you some insist. First and foremost, You have every right to be angry. In my situation, I met my married man in December of 2014. We were immediately crazy about each other. We spent most of our time together at his house and mine. I never knew the man was married. I still have a hard time understanding that he was married this entire time. Regardless he was and still is. It wasn’t until April of last year the red flags started to show. He always had a lie (that made sense) every time I would question him on his bullshit. Finally in August I started digging for answers on what I already knew. I knew he was still seeing here by the text she was sending him. What through me for a loop was when I discovered they were still together and had never broken up at all. I think when we love someone we naturally make excuses for them. We don’t want to believe what’s right in front of us. It took me until October to finally let the relationship go and see it for what it really was. Every time I had ended it before he would always pull me right back in. Ignoring him wasn’t an option. He would show up at my house, my work, any where he could make contact with me. I truly loved this man. He was my weakness. In October I couldn’t handle my own thoughts inside my head. He was literally driving me crazy. I wanted him but I also wanted him to leave me alone. I finally contacted his wife. I told her everything. This was something I refused to do for months. I didn’t want to ruin her life or conflict pain on her. However, he wasn’t going to stop. It worked, for months I never heard from. I do truly believe this man was also in love with me. But feared to leave his wife and his family. His wife is going through the same thing you are. Her rage for him has drove him away and the phone calls have began once again. If you are serious about making your marriage work, it is important to get professional help. I still struggle almost everyday with my broken heart. Affairs hurt everyone involved. He also may be hurting. Be as gentle as you can, while you both heal
Hurt and confusedJanuary 26th, 2016 at 9:38 AM
From the other side
While I certainly understand your pain…I don’t understand what you mean by her rage ran him away. As a wife, as a woman who is being cheated on, you have every right to be upset…the rage I have toward my husband, for what he did to me, to our family, is unforgivable. He would not be hurting so badly from losing both his mistress AND his wife had he never decided to cheat to begin with. All it takes is honesty. If you do not want to be with that person, if things are not working out, why cheat? Why toy with that person’s heart? As a wife, could you imagine how I felt knowing that after he laid with her, he would get in my bed? The same lips I kissed, were being kissed by another woman? And for these men that chose to have unprotected sex, my life is being put at risk unknowingly on my end, however, they both KNOW and do not care…how is that fair to us? How is that okay? I can’t say it was wrong of you to call his wife and tell her these things but I don’t necessarily know if you were right…did you tell her because you were hurt? And really wanted to open her eyes to the lair that stood between the two of you? Or did you tell her because you were hurt…and jealous that she was married to this man you thought you knew and loved? I can’t speak for anyone else, but, my husband’s “girlfriend” knew all about me. She knew he was married, she knew what I looked like, she was on my fb page, we had mutual friends….she knew me…and still decided to sleep with him, unprotected…she willingly broke up my home and he blatantly allowed her to do so. Neither of them cared…so why now, should I care about his pain because he can no longer see this woman? If he cares so much, and if he is so hurt, he should go be with you and stop toying with his wife’s emotions and yours.
LynFebruary 10th, 2016 at 5:28 AM
I have been together with my husband since we were both 17yrs old. In 2006 I found out he was having a relationship with someone from his home town in another country – Bosnia. We both live in UK. I found pics from his laptop which was too close to be cousins as he claimed at the time until I found naked pics of them together. He then told me it was family pressure from both sides ( I am not being funny but he was 25 yrs old by then so that is a crap excuse and it wasn’t family pressure to make sure they sleep together to seal the deal!) it looked like they were enjoying themselves and not pressured as he claimed. A little background – it was a secret relationship between me and him from his family because he said his mum will be angry and we need to abide our time until it was right. 8 years of being faithful and I get this! I was so mad and angry! I had had enough. I told him to get out of my life as I wasted my years of my teen and later early twenties to get stabbed in the back. He kept coming back asking for forgiveness. I gave him an Ultimatum to tell his family. He said he would wait until his cousin leaves as they were visiting from Denmark. I had to wait until they left to see what he would do and still nothing. When I asked him again a few weeks later, he told me he had told his mum. I knew he was lying and called him up on it which he admitted he hadn’t as of yet. We were still living with both our parents at the time. I got so angry and told him enough was enough and I no longer wanted to be with someone who had no back bone or who was weak from being unable to tell his mum and having a sexual relationship which must have been thrilling!!! He finally had the guts to tell his mum and recorded it as proof and I got my friend to translate which claims all Bosnian girls were dogs, I guess it’s their fault and never the men’s! I also heard that his mum had also told him that she had heard from her group of friends that knew me that I slept around, got drunk often and smoked liked a chimney! I had two sexual partners in all of my life, the first when I was not even with him! I was his first so in the end I finally forgave him and took him back as I thought this made us both on equal footing even though what he did within our relationship was absolutely wrong. When we were younger he used to tell me his fantasy of a threesome which completely put me off when we were intimate and I told him so that I can’t believe he gets turned on in sharing us with other people so he never mentioned it again. I found out March 2015 that he was in a Swinging website and with more digging another site as well, he told me that he saw a documentary in 2014 and wanted to see what it was all about. Complete BS as with more digging he was registered in 2009 or maybe earlier because it was just a payment for a subscription. I found out that he had logged on 2 months before our wedding Sept 2009 and 2 months after we were married. He also registered on a dating site 2008. I found loads of pics of women dating from 2006 up until 2010! So he was obviously in contact with various women during this time and for all I know possibly met them for sex! After forgiving him and giving him a chance he does this to me! My work fell apart in Oct 2006 when I found out his first relationship but I was still getting over that but it became easier with time especially as we got married and thought that we had gotten past it. To find out for definite in August 2010 that he Cheated under one year of us being married whilst he was in a contract and he only knew this girl under a month was disgusting! This was also while we were trying for a baby! To get it confirmed by the girl last year in 2015 that they had a relationship was the worst thing he could have done as he continued it up until I had my daughter a week before my daughter was born in 2013. They met up to talk, then why book a hotel together? She said he didn’t know I was pregnant when I apparently was rushed to the hospital in January 2013 and I found out via a blood test that I was 6months pregnant! I was due to give birth early March! I moved out June 2015 as I couldn’t get the images of his private parts going inside someone else via pics which he tried to say it wasn’t him although I could tell it was! They created an email account together and also signed up on this swinging website looking for couples under the guise as Mr and Mrs whilst I was pregnant, after2 years of trying for a baby and finally falling pregnant he had continued it. It makes me sick to know that he was telling me he loved me knowing he was also saying the same to her and meeting up with her. Spending his birthday with her telling me he was going out with work, no bloody remorse considering the pregnancy was not easy! He even emailed her to tell me not to tell me the truth when I found out as they have now moved on! He still had her on his Facebook account up until I found out as well as on his LinkedIn. After 2months of giving birth I bought condoms and a few months down the line there was a couple that was missing, he told me it wasn’t him but I don’t believe him just because there is no other pics of him he thinks I am stupid as I know In my heart he probably met up with various women for sexual gratification. Probably over the years. I found an email December 2012 of one of them saying how much they loved the pics of the two of them. Being emotional and pregnant I was angry and he point blank lied to my face and told me he would never cheat on me because he loved me and not to get upset as I was upsetting our child inside of me, now I know they were talking about pics taken on his birthday. I emailed the account that I found from his email and he obviously deleted that before the girl could see and didn’t even read the message apparently. He told me that message was on his email as he wanted to see who it was from as he said it was spam. Being an IT guy, I told him if it was spam why would you open it as it could contain a virus as he used to tell me to never open spam emails. When I spoke to this girl, she told me that he had told her that we had become more like friends in a marriage (from his part obviously as i was not aware of it!) and that he would leave me. 2 and a half year down the line when he told her I was pregnant and he couldn’t Leave his child to grow up without a father like him well now it feels like he stuck in a marriage for that! She was in a relationship but it wasn’t working and she apparently kept asking him when they were going to break up with their spouses and he apparently always came up with the excuse of when the time was right! He had no intention of leaving because of his image as well as probably finance. He used to tell me to watch our spending because his contract was ending soon and he blows our money on them two whilst I was working! Oh and he caught herpes or warts back in 2011 or 2012 because he was telling and showing me his foreskin being bumpy and there is me touching it and being concerned of genital cancer and to get it checked which he did but at a walk in clinic which tests for various sexual diseases rather than go to his local doctor. He put my health at risk as well as our baby whilst I was pregnant. If he had caught it from her because she was still with her boyfriend at the time who could also have cheated on her if she wasn’t giving him enough attention then he didn’t end it with her which makes me think that he has had sex with other women otherwise he would have stopped it as he never wore protection with her so I am presuming that this time he was careful, his excuse was that he didn’t realise fully the health issue of what he could get or given me or our unborn child. I am a highly sexual person but over the years I just didn’t want to do anything with him as it was always quick and I was never satisfied as well as a shadow of his past used to flash back to me when we were in the midst of doing it and now it is 100 times worst.
He is remorseful and crying when I left with our Daughter in June ( the time when he continued to insist he did not have sex with anyone, swearing on all our families and our daughters life until it was confirmed by her and by him via his email to her). It makes me so angry he could swear on them and cry, for what? Because he had to swear on her life and his fathers grave? I even said to him when he broke down crying and him telling me that he is so Angry that I didn’t believe him, I replied back that you are probably crying and asking forgiveness for swearing on their lives inside your head.
When I moved back in because my friends place was too crowded and he was going to tell me the whole truth, which he clearly had no intention when he was begging the girl not to tell me anything. I can’t trust him and I am so angry. I have told him that if he wanted to cheat and not sure about the relationship, then he should have told me rather than trying for a baby whilst he was going what he was doing because at least I would have been given a choice of whether I wanted an open relationship or try another relationship with someone else rather than living in this farce of a marriage. He said he had always wanted to be with me, I am the kindest person he knows (more like a fool) and he wanted children with me and that he was ready to become a father, that showed through his actions!?! And he gets angry when I tell him that he wasn’t, what mentality do these people have?? I also emailed the girl as she wouldn’t answer me anymore that he or her had the responsibility to tell me being as she was having it with my husband, she tells me it was his respOnsibility!?’ I said nope, it was yours too as you decided to get involved with a married man and wanting to be with him. She should have checked his story to confirm it as does it make sense for a girl who was only 29 yrs old to stay in a marriage when they had no kids and that young? Err I don’t think so. I should have trusted my gut instinct which was exactly what I had the first time round but thought I will put my trust in him to not do anything especially as we are now committed and married. He went counselling which he didn’t want to go at first as I told him he had some sexual problem / addiction. After a big row he finally went because I told him we are not working. We went together a few times and I went on my own too but I leave feeling more angry and hateful towards him, especially when he apparently hadn’t matured back then and that was a fantasy with her and with me was real! I told the counseller that it didn’t excuse or make it lighter with his decisions.
He stayed during the Xmas period and new year because he wanted to celebrate it with us. He is still here and sometimes I wish he just leave because sometimes we end up arguing and I just sometimes can’t stand looking at him and seeing cheat! He is trying his hardest in helping with everything and creating new memories which is way too soon! I don’t want to celebrate birthdays, Valentine’s, Mother’s Day let alone wedding anniversaries, I have asked him for divorce because he tarnished that for me and I can’t feel proud of being married. I feel like being labelled as Mrs is constricting me and my freedom. Even if we are together I would rather not be married. I slept with 2 guys when we separated which he found out but he said he will do anything to keep showing me how much I mean to him. I have told him that even if we stayed together, I may cheat on him when I eventually go back to work and does he really want to be in that type of relationship. He continues to tell me he will not stop trying because he would rather be six foot under than live a life without me and our daughter. He says he is going crazy mentally when we argue blah blah well he didn’t think what it would do to me did he??
I have always been attractive and always gets offers when I go out for dates etc but never took it as I was faithful and he can’t stand probably of anyone else being with me or me ending up with someone and our daughter calling someone else daddy, I told him that I wanted to try dating with others to see if I really wanted to be wiTh him which he can’t stand. I don’t think I could ever fully trust him and I am scared if I give him one last chance that if he does it again I will have wasted years of my life and of me getting old. I also wouldn’t know where to start when looking for a relationship as I was sexually abused when I was younger so he knew my history and trust in men!
I just don’t know how to move on past this anger, betrayal and how much he had changed. A life that was a lie for 12yrs out of our 17yrs which doesn’t seem to mean that much.
I don’t know what to do as this will forever scar me and I am not sure if giving him a chance is the right thing to do as I don’t want to go through this again which he promises me it won’t as he will never do it again. He said he never love the girl and it was just sex and he told her what she wanted to hear, a lot of BS as you form a connection for two and a half years as it was not always sexual when you talk to each other.
Thanks all for reading my life and hopefully we can find inner peace with or without the other cheating spouse
kbFebruary 15th, 2016 at 8:29 PM
It has been 10 years since my husband had an affair. I still can’t get over it, I’m starting to believe I will never get over it. Of course when we were going through out difficult time I got pregnant. He got fired from his job & we had no insurance & there came a baby in my belly. 3 kids were still together. I really believe he wouldn’t do it again however their is almost never a day I don’t think about what he did to me. I think it’s time for me to move on…
Betrayed and changedFebruary 17th, 2016 at 4:01 AM
10 years is a long time, I applaud you for trying to make things work. I can so relate. I’m battling with this for 2 years now but take pitty on my partner, I don’t know why though.
LuccyJune 8th, 2016 at 2:00 AM
It’s really difficult dealing with it actually because presently am trying to get over my husband cheating on me with different women in the past (I did forgive him)and now it’s affecting our sexual life. It keeps coming every time and made me not to ever want to have sex with him. Still trying, I don’want to tell him because it’s over 6months but can’t help it. I really don’t know what to do
AngryJune 12th, 2016 at 5:03 PM
I am a 61yr. old woman that has been married for over 40 years. We had 2 grown sons. Our youngest son passed away unexpectedly this year. We were truly devastated. A month or so after the funeral, I caught my husband having oral sex with a man. I have (adultery divorce) proof, since his IPhone accidentally called me and the sounds were recorded on my voicemail. Wow, he sure didn’t expect to be caught! Once confronted, he said that it only happened once. Of course, I didn’t believe him. I had been going to a counselor and recommended that he do the same. After some time, I decided to forgive him. I told him that it didn’t mean that I condoned his actions or would I forget the lies and betrayals. I basically did it for myself. All through our married life, he treated me badly. He lied and I know that he betrayed me. He just never got caught. I asked him to come “clean” with all the indiscrections and lies during our married life. I told him that the only way I would be able to trust him again and see a marriage counselor together would be for him to tell me the whole truth. He told me that he had many emotional affairs but, that he didn’t have sexual relations. He said that he had women friends that liked him. So, I asked him who these friends were. He refused to tell me and said that he was just immature at that time. I told him that it was important to me so that I could go through the process of forgiving. and working on trusting again. I told him it was important for me so that can I forgive him and move forward. He tried to dismiss me and said that nothing happened. I cannot deal with an additional lie. His silence spoke volumes. Aside from him being a coward by protecting himself and the other women, the bottom line is that he doesn’t care enough for my mental health and well being. I have been told that I’m a very strong lady. I have always been able to deal with the truth better than a lie. I also know that emotional affairs are just as painful and destructive as sexual affairs. For the record, I don’t believe that they were emotional affairs. After all these years being together, I know that he’s lying. I am an educated woman with high morals. I took my marriage seriously and tried to be a good wife and mother. I have sacrificed, worked, and done everything positive for my family. Now that I’m retired and have no money; I find it difficult to support myself if I get a divorce. I am not going to do anything to hurt myself by filing for a divorce now. I am continuing my counseling and try to get a job. It’s better to wait until the right time and have all my ducks in a row. Money to support myself and survive in my “golden years” is essential. Side note, my husband is terrified that I will leave him and continues to profess his love for me.
To the young women out there, A Liar and Cheat is always A Liar and Cheat. Don’t waste your life being with the wrong person. Love shouldn’t hurt.
Learn from my mistakes.
SamJuly 1st, 2016 at 10:06 AM
Reading all your stories makes me feel less alone.
It’s been 3 years since i found out my husband of 24 years had an affair with a coworker. He denied it and I had to get details from her, which was distressing. He still claims they only kissed even though they were alone at her flat on several occasions. I think the reason i cannot heal is because he’s not been honest about the affair plus my gut tells me there’s been others. Can’t shake the daily depression. I just wish he’d be totally open with me about everything so we can try to move forward
AmeliaSeptember 1st, 2016 at 10:23 AM
I’m young 27 I recently got married last year
And I know it’s not a long time but on our first anniversary two months ago the day of I found out he had an affair with a coworker. It was the worst experience of my life we were out for diner for our anniversary and his mistress send me pictures and msgs to my phone… The tears ran down my face while in restaurant. he denied it for about 12 hours of my digging it out of him and he finally told me he slept with her unprotected too… I love him so much but I just can’t get over the hurt even though it’s only been 2 months I feel I’m dying inside as days go by …. He says she was no one it was just sex but she show me msgs where he’s told her he love her and is also having oral sex with her. I feel sick to my stomach and I keep having moments where I break down
I try and stay strong for my children but I don’t know I never knew something could hurt so bad
AngrySeptember 1st, 2016 at 12:09 PM
Please go to a counselor. You need it for yourself. You will go through so many stages of grief. It’s almost like experiencing a death. Take your time and get yourself centered. At the same time, go see a lawyer. You need to know your rights. If you were my daughter, I would tell you that once a cheater always a cheater. Please spare yourself future pain and regrets. You didn’t mention if you had any children. Remember that no one deserves to be treated with disrespect especially, by someone who professes to love you. Fact, he’s a liar and he didn’t care if he hurt you. He’s just sorry that he got caught.
Please, for all the young ladies out there. Learn from my mistakes. You are young, smart, and strong.
BTY, forgive him and move on. That’s the only way that you will heal. It’s not that you condone his actions it’s, because you don’t want to carry that pain with you. You have the power, he doesn’t. I have seen so many bitter women in my lifetime. Set yourself free.
I wish you the best.
confusedSeptember 30th, 2016 at 10:10 AM
6 days ago I found out that my husband of 5 years is having an affair with one of my best friend, talk about a double edged sword. I have been unsuspecting them for quite some time but the couple of times I confronted my husband he would deny it, finally while the friend and I were out i got a hold of her cell phone and there it was text messages of how much they love each other, I confronted them both my husband tried denying it but his girlfriend just couldn’t. They both say it has been going on for 2 months and it hasn’t gotten sexual just the random kisses which don’t believe. I love my husband with my entire being but the betrayal is just to much, he says it meant nothing, and that it was a moment of weakness and that it will never happen again. I’m so confused don’t know what to, any advice I’m drowning,
Lynn SomersteinSeptember 30th, 2016 at 3:27 PM
Would you consider visiting a therapist who might help you sort things out and feel less confused? You’re in a terrible quandary, of course, and need the support of someone who is wise and has a cool head.
Please take care,
AngrySeptember 30th, 2016 at 8:09 PM
First and most important, get yourself a good councilor. You need this for you. Being betrayed is something that is so damaging to you soul. Right now you probably can’t make the best decisions for yourself. Take some time for yourself. It’s amazing how clearly you can see things when your not “in a bubble”.
I would take care of myself and speak to an attorney so that you can know your rights and wellbeing, whether you stay or leave.
Arm yourself with information. Empower yourself by looking into the future and your ability to support yourself. Be kind to yourself.
No one can justify a lie or betrayal. Don’t except excuses. Forgiveness is something that you can do but, gaining trust doesn’t come easy. No one deserves to be treated with disrespect. Stand your ground and think about your wellbeing.
Good Luck. You can do this. It takes time. Don’t make any final decisions now.
Been there, done that! Learn from my mistakes.
jasmineOctober 30th, 2016 at 12:38 PM
I can relate to so many of these posts. I am in a terrible situation which I have not been able to sort out for 2 years now. 2 years ago I found out my husband was sleeping with my best friend and it had been going on for several years. When I found out I was devastated but vowed to stay and work it out. We have 2 young children. As if that wasnt enough, I found out recently that he has also been sleeping with my sister for several years. She broke down and finally confessed. I saw none of this coming as he was always an attentive and loving husband. I am completely heart broken and have been living in a state of deep depression for a year. I cant seem to get the courage up to leave this man. He swears that he is sorry and ashamed of his actions and that he is doing everything he can to fix his mistakes. But I cant seem to get over it and think about it constantly. I have been in therapy and nothing seems to help. Why cant I just leave this man who has caused me so much pain and devastation?
JasmineNovember 21st, 2017 at 12:13 PM
Update: I have since found out that my husband was sleeping with a second sister! I guess it took all of this coming out into the open before I could finally make the decision to leave. But I can say I have never been happier! To alll of you dealing with this…there is happiness on the other side. You deserve happiness and only you can provide it for your self. Find the time and space to get quiet and the right answers will come to you because they are already within you. I wish you all I’ve and peace.
Lynn SomersteinNovember 21st, 2017 at 5:31 PM
Jasmine, you said it! Hope is the thing, and recognizing that change can be for the better.
MollyMNovember 21st, 2017 at 6:16 PM
Jasmine – how are you going to handle what your sisters did? I can’t even imagine. What is wrong with them – did they both know the other one was having sex w/your husband. I wish a good and peaceful holiday season away from all of them. Be safe, get tested (STD) and enjoy your kids and freedom. Sounds like you are finally at peace w/your decision. Sometimes God or fate keeps showing us the worst of a person until we get it… they are a lost cause. Be well Molly M Ps: I applaud your brave decision!
JosieOctober 30th, 2016 at 11:17 PM
I left my unfaithful husband in June of this year. I nearly immediately felt relief. It was a scary decision, but it’s the best thing Ive done for myself. My only regret is that I wish I would have left sooner. But at least I can honestly say that I tried to get past it and I just couldn’t. At some point, enough is enough and no matter what, they can’t erase what they did in the past.
MollyMNovember 20th, 2017 at 2:11 PM
Josie… can you give me a time line on when you knew it was time to go and leave your unfaithful spouse? What kind of therapy did you do? How did you find out? Did he do any repair work? When did you know it was over and that you wish you had done it sooner? Can you explain. Thanks… I would like to hear the non-we-healed up and are a better marriage-for-it side to cheating. Thanks. Molly M.
KristineOctober 31st, 2016 at 8:42 AM
I have to talk things out and he wants to sweep it all under the rug, so he does not have to talk about his betrayals and bullying. He said in front of our 21 year old son, that he would go to counseling.
After he left the room, our son looked at me and said, ” he will never go”, and he was correct.
He NEVER had any attention of counseling because no person on the earth would agree with what he has done. Even talking it out at home is out.
He denies and denies, even knowing I have a phone bill with him calling “her” 6 x’s a day, when they work in the same building. Even when his son and his wife, followed him in their car, beeping their horn and blinking their lights to try and get him to pull over. They followed him right to her door. He introduced her as “a friend from work.” Then his son told his wife, “DO NOT TELL KRIS”…but she did anyway.
Smoking gun and he still denies and denies.
I have comfort knowing he is going straight to hell.
Now that he is becoming physically abusive as well as his intimidating military voice, I am out of here!
JamesDecember 15th, 2016 at 7:59 AM
Hi I cheated on my wife, not in the traditional sense but was messaging women on a dating site. i ended it before she found out. I never met, or planned on meeting anyone just conversation and an ego boost I am thinking but I have no good explanation for it. So I came clean on everything after she prodded me but she still continues to think I am hiding something. i actually gave her access to EVERYTHING passwords included. I know I messed up which is why I stopped. She is now livid with me and has every right to be. I am heart broken that I have hurt her because I truly do love her. However, she continues to delve into my old phone, saying I must have other accounts, telling me to tell her the truth. I cannot tell her something that does not exist!! I beat myself up about this every day since it has happened and the amount of grief I get from my wife is extensive and every night. I am not a cheater and do not cheat in relationships. I amde a mistake and have admitted to it but she is on an emotional roller coaster and will be fine at some moments then will explode others and rehash everything we argued about when it came out I cheated. Every night it is the same argument. I guess my question is, how do I keep trying to push forward to attempt to repair this mistake and show her that I am the man she fell in love with? She has every right to not trust me, but I feel like going back and revisiting my old phone, old pictures (before we met), old texts (before we met). She has moments where she loves me and wants to work it out then changes completely to raging on me and rehashing everything again. Is this normal? I feel like there are moments when she loves me then there are moments when I see such hate in her eyes that I want to give up. Let me make this clear, I LOVE HER TO DEATH and am very ashamed that I did what I did but will never to it again.
BSDecember 15th, 2016 at 10:22 PM
Hi James. I think that maybe your wife feels stripped off, of her dignity. A man is supposed to protect his wife, and not share what’s hers with another woman. I’m not judging you at all. Rebuilding trust is never easy. Have you both seen a therapist or marriage counsellor? Right now your wife no longer feels safe or protected by you. It’s a painful place to be in, but with time….This too shall pass.
LauraDecember 23rd, 2016 at 7:18 AM
This is exactly like my situation with my husband. In fact, Jim, if this is you please give me my email password
back. Jim subscribed to a nasty dating site, initials AM, and talked about me and my severe depression with strangers. Bulls**t. He needed an ego boost. He was “lonely.” I have no plans to forgive him or forget. This was a broken vow, a stab in the back, BETRAYAL. I will never trust him the same way. I don’t think I can ever love him the same way. He really blew it. He should have come to me, but it is characteristic for him to think only of himself instead of giving me the respect a husband should give his wife. I have an illness called depression which I’m sure many of you are familiar with how it feels. He doesn’t get it. He is co-dependent on my attention for his ego and since I couldn’t provide that ALL the time, he turned to other women. Even if he had no intent of dating someone, it is still playing with fire. I have always been there for him when he had any kind of ailment. Always, from broken bones to neck surgery to pneumonia. He had to turn to other women when I needed support. No, I’ll never forgive him.
MollyMNovember 21st, 2017 at 6:22 PM
Hate to say it James… but what you did IS cheating… it’s called emotional affairs and for we women- that can be as devastating , if not more, than a physical affair. Don’t be stupid and think this is an invitation to go out and screw someone other than your wife now. Having been through both, I can tell you both are horrible in their own unique ways. You need to be full disclosure in all your accounts, phones (why did you need more than 1 phone) and emails and snail mail for a good long while yet. It is on YOU to rebuild trust w/your wife – not on her! She didn’t stray emotinally or physically. Figure it out. Get to therapy. Join a men’s/husband’s group. Grow up and realize you broke the trust in the marriage and not her. Trust and integrity is everything in marriage… looks come and go, kids interfere with a rocking sex life, jobs come and go, parents age and need our time and attention – but trust and integrity are forever. Look inward for your own reassurance and self-acceptance and figure out your own demons or set her free to be loved by a truly loyal man. Good luck.
xiulanDecember 20th, 2016 at 11:42 AM
I have to put this out there. If your husband or wife cheat on you there is a choice you have to make. If you stay with him/her there HAS to be some sort of therapy. The forgiveness will not come if you do not. I know a lot of women put things in their faith I understand but, there has to be more.
If someone had advised me of this years ago I will not be the distant woman I am today. My husband started the affairs when we were dating, I know that we were only boyfriend/girlfriend. We dated for 8 years.
During the total 8 years my husband cheated during the whole time. I made the mistake of not seeking advise and guidence before I we took things to the next level. We married and the cheating continued. I was destroyed to find out the day before my operation my husband had slept with a woman..then came home and slept with me. If I did not find out that night when a strange person called our home phone I would not have known. During our 16 years of marriage he only started to be faithful during the last two. It does not matter what he says or does I do not trust him. I cannot show any affection unless he is sick or feeling worried about something. The man tries hard to get my trust back and it is a losing battle. So ladies/gentlemen if there is cheating in your relationship I urge you to seek help.
Lynn SomersteinDecember 20th, 2016 at 4:11 PM
Thanks Xiulan–for sharing your voice of experience.
LynnDecember 23rd, 2016 at 1:48 PM
Your husband clearly has deep problems about relationships, and I’m sorry. He won’t go to therapy, but you can! Consider going to counselling with someone who can offer you the respect and understanding that you deserve.
MareJune 1st, 2017 at 4:02 PM
LEAVE THEM…THEY’RE NOTHING BUT LIARS AND CHEATERS AND THEY WILL CONTINUE AS SUCH. GET A LIFE AND GET OUT!
BDJune 6th, 2017 at 10:15 AM
Agree with previous poster. Leave them! Get a D I V O R C E! What are vows? Nothing to these men? If they are that “bored” need more “sex” “unhappy” they can get a D I V O R C E before cheating or carrying on like they are 18 years old again. All they do is ruin countless lives. Their own lives, their wives lives, the kids lives, their extended family members lives, the list goes on and on. Isn’t well past time they grow up? Man up? Or woman up if it’s vice versa? I’m so sick and tired of making excuses for people to keep their parts in their pants unless it’s with their own spouses. There is counseling and help out there before they decide to cheat. If their emotional lives and sex lives or financial lives are such a mess why do they think bringing another person into their mix of mess ups in life with help cure the problems? They want life to be play time and fantasy land instead of manning up. Again it’s all about cake and eat it too and what they can get away with. It’s the thrill of the chase, the boost of dopamine and chemicals in the brain from sneaking away like immature teenagers. Why waste anyone’s time if they want to screw off in life!!!!!! One time – forgive…possibly. Two times-get the hell out of the marriage. It’s only a matter of time before they do it again and again and again and bring home an STD or two. Or hit you up with they got someone else pregnant or want you to foot all their damn bills all the while they are out cheating. It’s ridiculous self-absorbed selfish narcissistic behavior. Grow up people. Grow up.
crepiereJuly 27th, 2017 at 12:15 PM
There’s definately a great deal to know about
this subject. I like all of the points you have made.
KimSeptember 3rd, 2017 at 7:50 PM
I was in a six year relationship. I found out by a phone call from the other woman that my boyfriend was in a relationship with her for the first three years. I left him, but he wanted one more chance. I loved him and gave it to him. Two months later, I see texts to a “friend” of his that she should give him what he wanted, sex with him wasn’t a trip it was a journey, send him naked pictures. These texts went on for years. He said it was all a joke, she was a friend, it didn’t mean anything. But would he run when she called because her car was making a new noise. I was having the computer fixed and found out that he was on a lot of dating sites. A lot. He said that didn’t mean anything either. It was fun to look and see who you might know. Porn. Lots of porn. When I was laying in the bed alone, lonely, crying, he would be up on the computer. Always erased his history, but you can dig deeper. We had so many fights about sex. I wanted it. He rejected me. Always made me feel if he wasn’t getting it from me, he was getting it somewhere. If I called and he didn’t answer his phone, I would think he was with somebody or talking to somebody. He left his phone with me a lot. He would say he didn’t have anything to hide. I think he got a little smarter and had a secret phone. I know I sound paranoid, but he did tell me “II only have one phone” and I did find a receipt for activation in his car, but he said that was his friends. He had went with him to get a cell phone. So checking his phone bill was a wash. Never found anything. He was a truck driver and gone a lot. He seemed to run out of time a lot. Or he would get home way after his ten hours of drive time was up. It was driving me crazy. Always looking for proof for that gut feeling I had. I didn’t find it, but what I did know is I couldn’t stay with him even though I loved him. Once that trust was shattered, it couldn’t be fixed. It’s like taking glass that shattered and trying to put back the pieces. You just get cut and bleed. He would also get mad that I wasn’t over all the things he did. He said he was doing everything he could. His friends and family would tell they liked me and to be careful. He had cheated in most of his relationships. So I threw him out a month ago after a huge fight. I know I did the right thing, and I can be at peace, eventually. Staying with him the wound was never going to heal. I miss him. There weren’t all bad times. I wanted the man I fell in love with, not the one I got.
Lynn SomersteinSeptember 5th, 2017 at 6:33 PM
I feel you have suffered a lot and have much to think about. Have you considered working with a counselor who might help you through your grief and walk with you to a new life? You deserve much more.
LauraNovember 20th, 2017 at 1:43 PM
I sent a comment last December, 2016. I found out my husband had patronized at least one dating site, the worst of the worst, (AM). He denies doing anything wrong, he just needed to “talk” to someone, he was “lonely.” Looking back over the year I saw signs, such as, he wasn’t wearing his wedding ring because of “work dangers”, (BULL), lost weight, showered more, introduced new things for lovemaking, more time on facebook, a too enthusiastic connection to a woman he had done business with, seeking available women to introduce to his recently divorced nephew, increased attention to tacky women’s boobs, etc. I have no proof of actual infidelity and if I did I’d be gone. I can’t get over it for more reasons that just catching him on dating site. We’ve been to counseling-didn’t help at all. I have, however, learned he is a narcissist. It’s all clear. He has manipulated, controlled, emotionally abused, disrespected, ignored, devalued, isolated, bored me to insanity because everything was about him, unreasonably distrusted, and betrayed me for our entire marriage of 27 years. OMG, I have awakened. I still can’t forgive him, I still don’t trust him. I’m not sure I want to. A part of me wants to go, to be free. The abuse has hardened me and I’m taking time so as not to make a huge mistake. I will probably stay because he is trying so hard to win my love back, and he knows he will “NEVER” abuse me again. My anger and pain won’t ease up. I am working for peace within me, hoping time will help.
MollyMNovember 20th, 2017 at 2:03 PM
Laura, I hate to say it, but from all you’ve written here, I think you have your answer already. Also, you can definitely do some important self-care by getting some base line STD testing done…. ASAP. I’ve done it 2x and plan to yearly as I know my husband cheated, and despite buying condoms for his interlude, never used them. So I know I can’t count on him to protect me on the basic level. I made him get tested too but men’s tests are not the same as ours. I have the full battery and will forever now no matter what he says. I have my baseline so if I pick up any cooties – I’ll know where they came from and from whom. The proof is in the science. You can also do searches of women’s names on Truthfinder or Been Verified on women he might be meeting with. I found out my husband’s had a criminal record involving financial crimes – guess what she was interested in besides his body??? You got it – our $$$, his income, our savings! But I’d start making safe, economical plans to leave as it sounds like you know he is cheating on you. Or is making plans to very soon. I’m sorry – this is a nightmare you can’t wake up from. At basic level, whether he’s emotionally or physically (or both) entangled with someone else, he’s disrespecting you, your marriage and your family. This is NOT your fault nor did you cause it – no matter BS he tells you. He made the choice to step outside of the marriage for “connection” and comfort of another rather than ending it cleanly w/you first. Ugh… chickens – they are all little boys posing as grown men. Fakers and fake. Dragging us through their mud. Again, I wish you peace and being good to yourself, as best you can, through this awful time period. You deserve me. I do too.
MollyMNovember 20th, 2017 at 2:06 PM
I meant Laura, at the end, that you deserve MORE. Me too. I deserve more too!
MollyMNovember 21st, 2017 at 7:19 AM
I put this on another article by accident… here goes again. Dear Lynn, I’m still struggling 13 months after my husband’s affair officially ending in October ’16; I discovered it by accident in July 2016, so technically it’s been 17 months total since DD. Devastating. Surprised I’m still here and alive. Never felt worse in my life except when my brother died (more on that later). Hardest was July 2016 to May 2017. Then post marriage counseling (put that on hold after 9 months or so) and personal therapy for both of us, I joined Al Anon and that’s been the most helpful for detaching with (maybe not love) but more calmness and resolve. I had so many early hurts from my youth triggered by his affair. I’m an ACOA whose dad moved out due to my folks’ divorce when I was four/five and my father’s continued struggle with alcohol had him disappearing and reappearing all thru my childhood and teen years and onward; my stepfather moving out when I was fifteen – another divorce; losing a step brother to that divorce; and then my own brother dying of AIDS in our 20s. I’ve had a ton of loss of men in my life and my husband knew this and all my struggles with these profound losses. I know these are my issues to work through but his affair triggered my lowest feelings of abandonment and loss and low self esteem. I thought I was pretty okay and content w/myself before all this but his affair made me realize how deeply insecure I am. And that I feel I am too much for men and don’t deserve loyalty or commitment but I thought I had his. No more. Never again. I never saw this coming though… never thought he’d cheat on me. Ever. Was I a perfect wife? Not even close but I was warm, caring, devoted to him and our children. Was he perfect husband? – not by a long shot – but he was my husband and I knew he was loyal – or so I thought. Not now, not ever again. Now I know anyone can cheat and abandon and be disloyal… even at the worst of times in a family – and we had them. Anyone has the capability. Was our marriage perfect? No. None are. But I thought was best friends and good partners yes and amazing parents together. We have a disabled young teen son on ASD (Austism Spectrum Disorder) and a young adult daughter fighting cancer; btw, before, during and after her diagnosis he was cheating. Even our daughter having cancer didn’t bring him back to me! The OW knew about our children’s conditions and still continued on with him. What a brat she is. He did too, of course! I don’t look at him the same way. Here’s how I sum it up, before his affair I trusted him implicitly and we had a working and good marriage of friendship and caring w/lousy to non-existent sex life; now post his affair I no longer think of him as my best friend, trust him or know if we have a long term future, but our sex life is rocking. What do you make of that? I still have lousy, lousy days when I want to leave NOW and just be by myself to recover and heal but I know that would be very hard for my son (now a freshman in HS and still struggling and in need of both parents in the home) and I’m not solvent at all fiscally at all now. We are planning to do a post nup to ensure I know I’m protected financially. He put this doubt in my head through affair, not me. I get regularly STD tested because despite his assurances now and being “all in” and focused on “recovering our marriage” I know they didn’t use condoms when they physically consummated what was a year or so (that he told me) texting, email and sexting relationship physically in July 2016 when I was traveling w/my son to see family. So why would I think he would again if cheating happened. I know he didn’t protect me on the most fundamental level and he knows my brother died of the most devastating STD in our lifetime: AIDS. And here I am on the anniversary of our meeting 29 years ago (Thanksgiving), and our 21st wedding anniversary, and I feel completely blah about it. Last year I couldn’t think about marking it at all. I was so messed up emotionally I told him to ignore it all -no cards, gifts, etc. This year I’m calmer but I still feel blah about marking it. I don’t feel like we are in years 21/28… I feel like we are in year one or two. I don’t know who he really is anymore. How do I handle bringing this up or do I let him do it? Why do I feel it’s on me to bring it up or discuss. Men are so good at ignoring the “elephant in the room” so can’t I? Any thoughts on moving forward w/anniversaries, holidays as you try to move forward w/your spouse even if you don’t know yet if this is forever? Last year I spent the holidays away from him w/my kids. I couldn’t even be in the same house pretending all would be well. This year I can be around him but have a heavy heart still. I guess I know now that nothing is forever… sad but true. For now, trying to focus on my kids and my healing and growth w/o being hard on him all the time. He was the a-hole but I don’t have to be one in return. But the OW… if I met her today, I’d still probably pop her one good. (She’s 3x cheater – well she was at the time of their affair starting; I’m not sure if she went ahead w/divorce she told my husband she was in the middle of, who is teacher in TX and had criminal record of financial crimes. So guess what else she was interested in?) Ok, your thoughts on anniversaries and holidays in middle of this mess is appreciated. Any other thoughts or advise too. Thank you for listening and this site. Happy Thanksgiving full of gratefulness for what we do have and peaceful holidays to ALL going through this. MM
Lynn SomersteinNovember 21st, 2017 at 5:30 PM
Hi –I cannot believe all that you have been through, and I’m impressed by your strength and perseverance.
FInding peace and holding on to it it the thing. AA helps, as you know. And acknowledging and feeling grateful for your blessings is key. I wish you and your kids a calm and rewarding Thanksgiving.
LauraNovember 22nd, 2017 at 11:17 AM
Molly, your story is quite similar to mine. If I had proof I’d be gone. Actually, over the years I had grown to not like him because of his narcissism and ADHD and the disrespectful way he treated me. I told myself if I every caught him fooling around it would be a ticket out for me. I feel just like you about how I feel about him now. Don’t trust him, don’t even want to try to love him. However, like you, the sex rocks. What’s up with that? But that’s about all the endearment I have to him. I told a girlfriend I didn’t know what I should do–stay or leave. She said I might as well stay, at least for a while, just to make his life miserable. I liked that concept. Financially it is a nightmare to split up, we own a farm and most of our assets are in the land and equipment. It would be a difficult division and I’m sure I’m the one that would get screwed. So I’m waiting, cooling off, silently preparing myself financially and mentally if I do decide to go. I watch his every move. I do feel that I have control now. He had almost all control over me, manipulating, degrading me. He’ll never do that again as long as I can walk and talk. So there is something good that came out of this–i learned about narcissism. I always thought “it” was me and my failings but now I know it was his personality disorder. I’m getting counseling and have done all the talking to friends and relatives. I know I have support when I need it. But when will the pain and anger and anguish ease up. I really think it is just going to take TIME. And I am enjoying my new found control. If he doesn’t like it, then I’m happy to go.
MollyMNovember 22nd, 2017 at 3:34 PM
Thanks for writing Laura and Lynn… still seeing my story in words a year or so later – it’s hard to believe all I’ve been through. I do feel Al Anon has helped me de-escalate my emotions and think more calmly about future steps for me and my kids. For now, my son is the priority for staying – not my overwhelming love for my husband or hope for our future. I try not to feel guilty about that because, whether he wants to admit or not, my husband was too weak to ask for a divorce or separation so he was using another woman and their affair as an exit affair. He says no but I don’t care – he was. So why should I feel so horrible about staying for my son? I could be staying for worse or more unethical reasons – his money, our nice house, etc. I’m not. I’d rather be broke, free and happy then shackled in unhappy marriage w/no trust. He gave his AP things (a beautiful art photo of her) and told her things (“we seemed a perfect compliment to each other”) I’ve NEVER in 28 years heard from him or received from him. He didn’t know how to or didn’t want to cherish me and revere me as his wife, lover or mother of our kids. He fundamentally didn’t know how to or want to perform the honoring (respecting) of his wife every marriage requires to be healthy, rich, spiritually whole and healing. But it’s too exhausting to keep up the anger at his flaws and character defects … that’s on him to figure out for himself. I was always trying to “fix him” – an ACOA defect – but I couldn’t see “the forest for the trees”; I was so focused on minor irritations that I couldn’t see that his potential for having an affair existing long before he started one and I accidentally stumbled upon (the idiot lent me his phone while he had his “secret” texting app w/her up and on); I saw her romantic text scroll by as I was photographing him in a park telling him, no lie, how handsome he looked to me. You can’t make this up!!! Her text popped up on the screen of his phone right after I took his photo. But he was disrespecting me in the marriage long before this: not standing up to his mother as she tormented me for decades with her ridiculous demands and disapproval; taking photos from other women (in various states of undress) in his photo coop/circle on line and using them in his art and not stopping when I told him that made me uncomfortable (then having the nerve to to call me paranoid and controlling) and just being a mean **** a lot. But I didn’t want to look at it or face his selfishness and yes, how narcissistic he was. We have an almost 15 year old disabled son (and young adult daughter w/cancer and newly married) and I didn’t want to face ending my marriage, for what seemed minor flaws, and hurt my child who is still at home. But there were clear signs of this major flaw coming – being a cheater. I think he has as SA due to also being abused as a child by his mom. Now I feel a bit more on my own spiritual and recovery path whether or not we last long term. I have my almost good and my still hard days. NOTHING is a given anymore. Nothing. I don’t want to spy on him much anymore though I keep a close eye on his AP. She was served w/a legal cease and desist order last February for continuing to try to be in touch w/him… I caught that too. Sometimes I think these two nit wits deserved each other. How can a man who is so smart in business be so stupid about who he was screwing and taking up with? I found out her arrests and convictions and previous cheating history w/in one month of the affair coming to light. He vets people for work all the time but he failed to vet the woman he was screwing and who thought she’d be my kids stepmom? Hell no! Not if I had any say. And get this, she even admitted to him that she had cheated on her first husband, with her current husband and then she was cheating w/my husband against her second husband? NO lie.. you can’t make this stuff up. So who did he think was next??? Again, so smart and yet not street smart or good reader of people or their sexting, texting, emails and sex were so compelling and so addictive he didn’t face who he was involved with: a serial cheater and grifter. But I digress. The best thing Laura about his affair – the one shining, golden nugget of it – is it’s freed me from his toxic, rage-a-holic family. They are pickled in their own brine of rage and anger. And have directed it at me (and frankly, at each other) for decades. When the affair came out his sister, mom and an his aunt were so horrible to me I made a declaration of freedom from them to him that week. His sister was the most cruel… and is banned from our house if I’m in it. If I’m away, I don’t care, but if I’m here she’s not to be invited to any family gatherings. His aunt who verbally abused me in front of family and friends at my SIL’s wedding (the same one who was so cruel and yes… the same week the affair was discovered – yes!) is also banned and I will never go to any events that his sister or his aunt are at… ie, holiday gatherings, b-day parties, brunches. They were invited to my daughter’s recent wedding but that was her call and I respected that. But I avoided them the entire time and had a team of friends ready to remove them from my circle of safety (5′ or less) if they came near me. They have verbally, physically and emotionally abused me. And I’m DONE with them. I’m also free of being the family secretary and arranger for my in-laws time w/my kids or for arranging get togethers. I don’t host anymore – ie, no more parties for my husband (chump that I was I threw a huge father’s day party for my husband, FIL and BIL) literally two weeks before he ****ed his AP. Can you believe that??? You just can’t make this stuff up… as I was planning the party and a summer vk for the two of us, telling him how excited I was, he was planning for his AP to come up from TX to screw her while I was away on a short trip w/my son. Again, you can’t make this stuff up. And the best – he was two timing her too. Yup… he was reaching out on-line to other women – flirting and emotional content – I guess in case TX school teacher trash didn’t work out. I hope this has given you some laughs because honestly – a year or so later – it’s all so sordid and stupid on his part …. it is pretty funny too. And horribly humiliating. And so painful. And so hard on my kids (yes, they knew – another long, long story). And terrifying (go back to no $$ of my own and the horrifying STD testing too) and more. I don’t have a job because while he was having affair he encouraged me to walk away from my own teaching job; he said they were being so horrible to me I should take a severance package I was offered … but hell, they weren’t betraying me like he was!!! Can he not hear his own demented reasoning and words??? So where I’m at is working Al Anon and praying and being only around people who I can tell deeply cherish and care about me. I no longer think of us entirely as married people; more like co-parents and good f-buddies. Crass but true. I can manage w/that for now. All bets are off but I didn’t start this in motion so I try really hard not to be hard on myself. The hardest is how we beat ourselves up for their crappy choices and decisions. And the AP, why couldn’t she have been washed away Hurricanes Harvey or Maria??? She’s Texan and has PR heritage, so either could have been a lovely end to her selfish, self absorbed, demented, mean, cruel decisions and that’s not even covering what i think of what she did to my kids. Those words I can’t put here or this post would never get approved. She’s just garbage, in a word. Hope this gives you some more perspective Laura and hope. Focus on yourself and your own growth and joy. And yes, rally the troops that will stand by you (not everyone will-I’ve lost friends and family thru this process) no matter what. Don’t assume all family and friends will be your allies – you will build new ones. I pray for all of us and hope we can find some peace of mind after all this terrible pain and rejection. Bottom line, I don’t care if it wasn’t “about me” (the cheating) because it destroyed me for a time and I’m the one who took the worst hit of it. Peaceful holidays to you and yours…. Molly M.
MollyMNovember 22nd, 2017 at 1:32 PM
Lynn, I think others would benefit from hearing you answer my question on how to get through the holidays… whether DDay was six months, a year or three years ago – the holidays are a trigger always. Last year I could be w/my husband at Thanksgiving because we had already planned trip for our kids; but Hanukkah-Xmas and New Years … I couldn’t be around him and pretend for the kids’ sake. We split our time w/them. Thank you for your kind words but some insight or advise around this issue and holidays would be very welcome. Thank you. Peace, MM PS: I’m in Al Anon, not AA, but both help with the old triggers and history of my own life. I wish my husband was in a SA program. Alas, he doesn’t see his affair as part of a larger addictive problem on his side. I treat his cheating like a form of sex addiction (like an alcoholic) if only in my own mind to help me remember that nothing I did or did not do could have stopped him. Was our marriage perfect? No. But you don’t fix a problem w/in a marriage or relationship, by going outside of it to another party for repairs.
LauraNovember 26th, 2017 at 2:44 PM
Hey Molly, Your pain and anger is the same as mine. I have done so much in this blended family to keep harmony and cohesion. I was so taken for granted and abused over the years. When the S*** hit the fan last year about the dating sites and the other pieces of (circumstantial) evidence, I found I was shunned by his family. All of a sudden, I was the bad guy because I didn’t believe his BS stories and they are telling him he should divorce me for not trusting him. Or maybe he filled their little redneck heads with lies about me. I have been hurt over and over again by him and his daughter throughout the years. The festering is still there. Being one year later, all the crap brewed up again, bringing that pain and anguish and agony. I’ve been to every kind of therapy and counseling, I’ve prayed, I’ve tried positive thinking, blah, blah, blah. Time will ease the pain of my injustices. I do stay because of financial reasons. I’m not hastily leaving without my share and I don’t want to make mistakes because of clouded emotions. I am staying in control of myself and enjoying watching him walk on eggshells as I did for 27 years–all the while (hoping) he will F*** up again. Molly, if I had the evidence you have about your husband, I’d be gone in a flash. Your children will be okay, maybe even better, because they want happiness and peace for you as much as you want it for them. Let the jerk go. Let that other woman have- (get stuck with)- him–that will be your satisfaction.
Lynn SomersteinNovember 26th, 2017 at 5:21 PM
Dear Laura and Molly,
Yes, the pain is real and especially hard to endure during the holiday season, which feels like torture. One way to help yourself is to help others, and the partnership you have forged with each other will support you both as you give and receive.
LauraNovember 28th, 2017 at 4:21 PM
Hey Molly, just checking in to see if you are OK. I look forward to hearing from you. And I wish you the best with your son and daughter. In my therapy group we focus a lot on things we are grateful for. Health is the biggest gift of all–I am an RN at a hospital and I see the struggles patients and families go through. In my dream job, I would be able to spend time with them and listen and grant their every need. You are the strong one in your family, with every right to be ****ed at the world. Please don’t forget to take care of yourself. Take pride in your strength and goodness. You will shine.
AJanuary 19th, 2018 at 10:28 AM
It wasn’t even been 45 days after my father committed suicide that my husband started talking to another woman. Within a month they were having sex (around our 10 year anniversary!) He used every excuse from going out with friends and working late to see her and be with her (mind you he used these excuses in the past). They were having an affair for 5 months before one day I finally picked up his phone and seen some texts between them. My husband told me they were just friends. But my gut told me different. We even went to marriage counseling and he lied the whole time. I found porn sites he was on and dating sites. I even found a my space account from years ago I had no clue about. When I found out about the affair he wouldn’t stop talking to her, so I left. He would not admit to anything; I had to meet this woman to find out the truth or a version of the truth. She says she did not know about me but the things she said and the questions she asked says differently. She knew things about me only he knew. After that he did admit to some things, that I later learned were not all true. He didn’t tell me the full truth until 10 months after D-day. I came back after a couple months when things seemed to be going okay to find out he has a drug problem that I didn’t know about. He came home high as a kite one evening, so I left again with all of our child. He got help and got into a drug program and we worked again on our marriage, so once again I moved back and then things started off great and slowing the lies started coming. So I did what everyone else would do, I snooped and found a lot of drugs in our home! So once again I left with our children. But every time he tells me he’s changed and that he loves me and only wants me. So once again he gets into more drug programs. I really saw a difference in him. So we start talking again and going out of dates but something still seemed off. We were together one night and a women named Sara called but he told me he accidentally called her and she was the head of the drug program. I couldn’t put my finger on it until I broke into his phone. He was talking to another woman. He talked about me and she talked about her husband and then she was asking when they could meet up again. He even texted her he was thinking about her. I was so upset and mad. He tells me they were partnered together in the drug program to help on another. But I asked him why he lied about it. He said he couldn’t trust me. So now I am on the fence about working things out but he keeps on and on about working them out. That nothing happened, they were just friends. Sounds like the same story to me just a different woman. But many people have told me that men and women don’t get paired up in drug programs because of infidelity. I even called Sara and she told me she did not know who he was and did not talk to him. After I found out he stopped all drug programs because she was there and it made me feel uncomfortable. I’ve asked him to show me proof that he even attended those programs and he can’t. He has nothing. He still wants to be together but I can’t trust him. My gut is telling me there was more going on then what he leads on. I am now questioning our whole relationship because every excuse he used, he used them before in the past. I still love him but don’t know if this can be repaired all of this has happened within 1.5 years. That’s a lot of crap. I get so upset and don’t know what to do. Can a marriage really work out after all of this? He says he understands that he cannot lie anymore that is damages out relationship, but shouldn’t he know that by now after the affair. I have my own place now and before anyone says something I know that moving my kids back and forth is not good (hence the reason I got my own place) I just don’t know if our marriage is worth saving because every time I turn around there’s something new to find out. I’m exhausted from everything. I need help.
Lynn SomersteinJanuary 28th, 2018 at 5:45 PM
Your story is horrifying and you pain maybe too great to bear alone. You might seek out a personal therapist or counselor and a marriage counselor as well, to help answer your questions, assuage your pain, understand the present and eventually plain for the future.
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