A while back, I worked with an adolescent who was diagnosed with diabetes. She and I often talked about disclosing her diagnosis with others; she revealed that she had told only one person and didn’t want her mother talking about it to anyone. One day, as she and her mother sat in the clinic waiting area, her mother chatted with another person. When I brought the girl into my office she exclaimed, “See what I mean? My mom is always telling everyone about my diabetes! I don’t want anyone to know, but she insists on telling everyone she meets!”
This is just one example of how different people are when it comes to sharing their experience with chronic illness. Some people don’t want anyone to know about their diagnosis, while others want to tell everyone. Most people probably fall somewhere between the two extremes.
In this case, the girl’s mother likely felt like she needed the support of others, so she talked more openly about her child’s diagnosis with strangers. Her daughter, though, wanted nothing more than to keep her status a secret.
If you’ve been diagnosed with a chronic illness, how do you handle this situation? Do you tell most people you meet about your situation or do you keep it to yourself? Whether you’ve been diagnosed with diabetes, arthritis, bipolar, HIV, or some other chronic condition, you’ve likely had to decide who to tell and when. This is one topic I discuss with people in therapy from time to time (especially when it comes to dating!): “At what point do I tell someone about my diagnosis?”
I like to think about relationships in the shape of a target, with you being the bull’s eye. The next circle out from you are those few people whom you trust implicitly. There might be just a couple of folks in this circle, like your partner, your parents, or a best friend. Moving outward, the next ring includes people you call friends. You spend time with them, but you may not tell them everything; your boss, coworkers, or extended family might fall into this category. And finally, the outer ring is made up of acquaintances, people you might meet just once or see on occasion.
This is just one example of how different people are when it comes to sharing their experience with chronic illness. Some people don’t want anyone to know about their diagnosis, while others want to tell everyone. Most people probably fall somewhere between the two extremes.
In my experience, the first ring of people—trusted family and friends—generally are informed about the diagnosis. That’s because they will likely be affected by your day-to-day appointments and treatments (medication, physical therapy, doctor appointments, etc.). The people in your inner circle are supportive and embrace you and your diagnosis.
One question that often comes up is: “Should I tell my employer?” If your diagnosis may require a change in schedule, accommodations, or time off, then talking to your boss or human resource department would be warranted. You might want to inform your coworkers of the basics of your diagnosis and how to help if there is an emergency. Again, this is a need-to-know basis; full disclosure is at your discretion.
Are you in the dating world? Think of first dates as people in the outer ring. You may or may not see them again, so use prudence when disclosing information about your health (and your personal history, for that matter!). Take time to get to know the person first. He or she should accept this diagnosis as part of your story … and if he or she doesn’t, then it’s simply not a good fit.
When you decide to disclose a chronic illness to others, it may be helpful to have some information handy. Make sure your material comes from a trusted and reputable source and not, say, “Joe’s Diabetes Blog.” Informing others about your chronic illness, and to what extent, is entirely up to you.
If you need some guidance and support, seek the help of a therapist. The more comfortable you feel about your condition, the more accepting others will likely be.
The preceding article was solely written by the author named above. Any views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the preceding article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment below.
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