Where There’s Self-Compassion, There’s Compassion for Others

“We are at the beginning of an age of compassion.” —James Doty, neurosurgeon

How do we become loving? Ideally, we had loving parents whose consistent behavior and unflagging support made us feel safe and valued. Unfortunately, many people don’t grow up in those circumstances. For them, the path to becoming more loving and kind comes from cultivating self-compassion. In time, that self-directed loving kindness moves outward, landing sweetly on fellow travelers.

What, exactly, does self-compassion and loving kindness toward oneself look like? It looks like gentleness. It’s responding patiently to the slings and arrows of life with the soothing narrative, spoken or unspoken, you deserve to hear.

Most of us have been injured, abandoned, neglected, criticized, abused, traumatized, rejected, and unseen at one time or another. As difficult as it is, you can heal those hurts and explore your inner emotional terrain by sitting with everything that arises. By breathing into your body where there is tension, constriction, pulsing, electrical sensations, heat, cold, tremors, and other forms of discomfort, you make yourself feel safe. After all, every emotion and physical feeling will pass. Paradoxically, focusing on these things rather than fighting them conserves your energy.

Talking with a therapist can help you work through the pain, disappointment, anger, and grief you experience, allowing you to arrive at a place where you can summon compassion for yourself and others. There are also steps you can take, all on your own, to move toward that place.

Start today.

Buy a journal, if you don’t already have one, and write in it: memories, thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations, everything. The act of writing allows you to process your experiences and release them. In addition, it is a great way of watching your progress as your thoughts, behaviors, and feelings shift and morph through time.

What, exactly, does self-compassion and loving kindness toward oneself look like? It looks like gentleness. It’s responding patiently to the slings and arrows of life with the soothing narrative, spoken or unspoken, you deserve to hear.

Make a pact to know yourself better every day and to lovingly, patiently explore the hurt places. Support them with soothing words, a safe environment, kind people, enough sleep, healthy food, and time for reflection.

Surround yourself with beauty: a flower, an apple on a plate, a photograph or picture from a magazine, aromatherapy, or anything else that appeals to your aesthetic senses.

Remind yourself that every minute, every hour, and every day you feel different. You are a swirl of emotions, sensations, and thoughts that come and go. Nothing lasts—not even you. So, when something comes up that feels scary or unpleasant, let it arouse your curiosity. Investigate how it feels. What story are you telling yourself about it? Be gentle with yourself and your reactions. Allowing things to be as they are, whether we like them or not, is a key element of self-compassion.

Read Buddhist philosophy. Try The Pocket Pema Chödrön, or listen to a podcast by Tara Brach or Jonathan Foust. Their inspirational and practical talks will give you some tools for creating a loving relationship with yourself and others.

Give something away. It could be an item of clothing you no longer use, money, or time. Giving may help you feel more connected to others and your highest self. Just imagine what the world would be like if we regularly gave to each other. Physicists tell us we are all energy and, therefore, all connected. By consciously giving to strangers, we acknowledge and cement that bond.

When you feel angry, irritated, or annoyed with someone, take a moment to imagine the situation from that person’s point of view. Ask yourself, “How would I like to be treated if I were feeling or acting the same way?”

I like to remind myself of what the Buddha said: There is no one more deserving of compassion than you.

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