We all engage in manipulation from time to time. When your boss asks you what you thought of his or her terrible presentation and you render lavish praise, you’re concealing your real feelings in an attempt to elicit the reaction you want from someone in power. But in close interpersonal relationships, manipulation can take on a much darker hue, leaving its targets never quite knowing where they stand.

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The very nature of manipulation makes it challenging to know when you’re being manipulated. Manipulators attempt to conceal their motives and feelings, and their targets—who often struggle to sustain an honest, open, and manipulation-free relationship—may have to do some detective work to determine whether they’re being played.

What Is Manipulation?
Manipulation is the process of trying to change another person’s feelings, beliefs, or behaviors through indirect tactics. Rather than asking for what they want, manipulative people tend to use deception, coercion, even threats to get their needs met.

Manipulation is associated with a number of mental health conditions, including borderline personality disorder, passive-aggressive personality disorder, addiction, antisocial personality disorder, and narcissism. Not all manipulative people have mental health issues, but when manipulation becomes a primary style of interaction, it can indicate an underlying psychological issue.

Tactics Manipulators Use
If you’re concerned that you’re being manipulated, examine the tactics the other person is using. If you find yourself caught up in a web of deception and unclear motives, it could be manipulation.

Some common tactics manipulators use include lying, withholding information, denying feelings, playing the victim, blaming the victim, minimizing others’ feelings, pretending to be confused or ignorant, guilt, shame, and pretending that his or her tactics are intended to serve a higher calling such as God or a political cause. Manipulators also frequently use gaslighting—the process of provoking someone into an extreme or angry reaction, then blaming the other person for his or her reaction.

While anyone can be manipulated, expert manipulators tend to target people with and take advantage of certain personality traits. These traits include:

• The desire to be liked or to please; these people are more likely to take extraordinary measures to gain favor
• Low self-esteem
• Dependency; people who tend to be dependent upon others will be more easily swayed by threats to withdraw love or support
• Naiveté or ignorance
• Loneliness
• Impulsivity, greed, and materialism
• Low assertiveness
• Fear of anger, sadness, and other negative emotions—either in oneself or from the manipulator

Why People Manipulate
For some people, manipulation may be an inadvertent strategy for dealing with a cutthroat world in which discussing feelings is often taboo. Manipulation is part of the normal range of behavioral tactics, and most people engage in manipulative strategies from time to time. People whose primary style of interaction is manipulation, however, tend to share some traits in common. These include:

• A need for control or power over others
• A need to raise their own self-esteem
• Fear of abandonment
• Feelings of worthlessness, helplessness, or hopelessness
• A willingness to prioritize their own feelings and desires over the needs and well-being of others

How to Handle a Manipulator
Many of us are highly aware when we’re being manipulated, but are still left unsure of what to do. Because manipulators often play the victim, some victims of manipulation might excuse their behavior or insist that the manipulator doesn’t really know what he or she is doing. Manipulators thrive on hiding their motives, so it can be challenging to get them to admit their true intentions, and many people will refuse to do so even under pressure. Instead, try the following tactics:

• Avoid allowing yourself to be shamed or guilted into doing something.
• When a manipulator makes a covert threat, ask him or her about the threat.
• Ask the manipulative person if he or she can tell you directly what he or she wants.
• Avoid sharing how the manipulation makes you feel, as these feelings can later be used as a tactic by the manipulator.
• Be direct, clear, and honest, and refuse to participate in the escalating game of manipulation.

References:

1. Psychological harassment and psychological manipulation. (n.d.). Psychological Harassment Information Association. Retrieved from http://www.psychologicalharassment.com/psychological_manipulation.htm
2. Simon, G. K. (n.d.). Dealing with manipulative people. RickRoss.com. Retrieved from http://www.rickross.com/reference/brainwashing/brainwashing11.html
3. Spotting emotional manipulation. (n.d.). Cassiopaea. Retrieved from http://www.cassiopaea.com/cassiopaea/emotional_manipulation.htm

Several years ago, sex advice columnist Dan Savage coined the term “monogamish” to refer to long-term committed relationships that bend the rules of monogamy with the consent of both parties. Since that time, he has published thousands of letters from people in monogamish relationships, thanking him for giving them permission to try an arrangement that works better for them.

Last year, Showtime began airing a reality show called Polyamory: Married and Dating, which takes a close look at the lives of polyamorous people. Polyamory is the practice of loving more than one person at a time. The show stars a polyamorous triad—three people in a committed, long-term relationship—and a polyamorous married couple who have serious committed relationships with people outside of their marriage.

Both Savage and the participants in the Showtime series have experienced some backlash for their advocacy of nontraditional relationships. But when nonmonogamous relationships are loving and consensual, participants in them believe they can strengthen marriages, serve individual needs, and increase intimacy. Unfortunately, people in these relationships often face immense stigma and even legal problems propelled by myths about nontraditional relationships.

Myth 1: Nonmonogamous relationships are a free-for-all.

People who cheat on their spouse are, technically speaking, not in a monogamous relationship. But when nonmonogamy is entered into openly and on a long-term basis, all partners typically obey a variety of rules. In Showtime’s show, the polyamorous triad navigates the consequences of one member breaking the rules, and the result is increased communication. Nonmonogamous relationships don’t work without rules, and often the discussion and renegotiation of these rules can contribute to deeper intimacy.

Myth 2: Nonmonogamy is an excuse to cheat.

By definition, nonmonogamy means that people don’t have sex with only one other partner. But this does not necessarily mean they can have sex with anyone. Successful nonmonogamous couples establish strong rules about what is and is not cheating, and frequently have veto power over who their partners sleep with. While it’s certainly possible for one partner to be pressured into nonmonogamy, these relationships generally don’t work unless both partners enter into the relationship willingly and lovingly.

Myth 3: Nonmonogamy is bad for children.

With the divorce rate in the United States hovering around 50% and the number of single parents rapidly increasing, most children see their parents involved in multiple romantic relationships over a lifetime. So long as children have consistency in their caregivers and are not subjected to an endless parade of people to whom they become attached and who then leave, nonmonogamy is not harmful. Nonmonogamy, after all, does not mean an abandonment of all social mores and norms, and nonmonogamous parents are just as capable of keeping their sex lives private as monogamous parents.

Myth 4: Nonmonogamy harms women.

Well-publicized cases of polygamy abuse are often the first things people think of when they consider nonmonogamous relationships. But modern nonmonogamous relationships are consensual for all parties. In these arrangements, it’s not just men who get to sleep with other people. Given that more women than men report being bisexual, nonmonogamy can provide a healthy sexual outlet for bisexual women who might not otherwise have such an outlet.

Myth 5: Nonmonogamy harms marriages.

Many people involved in monogamish relationships have been married for decades. When one partner’s desire wanes, nonmonogamy can provide a sexual outlet that sustains the marriage. Because nonmonogamy must be carefully negotiated and constantly reevaluated, these arrangements can bring married couples closer together and encourage open, honest dialogue. Sleeping with other people also does not have to compromise the marital bond. Married couples sometimes have sex with friends periodically while still sustaining their primary commitment to their spouses.

References:

1. Polyamory. (n.d.). Alternatives to Marriage Project. Retrieved from http://www.unmarried.org/polyamory.html
2. Savage, D. (n.d.). Monogamish couples share their stories. Washington City Paper. Retrieved from http://www.washingtoncitypaper.com/articles/42014/savage-love-monogamish-couples-share-their-stories/

Unless you are relatively young, it is highly unlikely that you will never date someone with an ex-spouse or ex-live-in-lover. The reality is that a large percentage of people have some history of broken relationships, whether they were long-term commitments or actual marriages. Regardless, should you be concerned about the number of exes a new love interest has? That was the question posed to several relationship experts in a recent article. Holly Parker, a psychology professor at Harvard teaches a class entitled “The Psychology of Close Relationships,” and she believes that when people date casually, the number of notches on someone’s relationship belt should not be a significant issue. However, if the dating progresses to something more serious, perhaps those notches should be examined a little more closely.

She advises looking at the level of responsibility that the person took for the unsuccessful relationships. For instance, did they acknowledge that they played a part in the demise and if so, what did they do about it? Also, she believes that multiple failed relationships may indicate difficulty to commit, emotional problems, or other unresolved issues. These are all things that should be carefully weighed before someone decides to pursue a deeper level of commitment. Some of the red flags Parker advises people to watch for are emotional distance and/or narcissistic behavior. If they are focused more on their own needs than yours, it could be an indication that they will not be attentive to you, emotionally or physically. Parker also says to watch out for people who continually put the blame for previous relationships on their exes.

But don’t rule everyone out based on the number of exes in their past. New York psychiatrist Gail Saltz says, “There is no one-size-fits-all answer, because people get married and divorced for many different reasons.” Saltz thinks that it is unwise to generalize people by the number of relationships they had before they met you. But she does think it’s important to find out how those relationships ended, what changes the person may have made, and most importantly, how the person gets along with their exes now. Immaturity, infidelity, addiction, and abuse are just some of the weeds that can kill a growing relationship. Saltz believes it is better to find out what personality traits your new love may have or may have been subjected to before you venture down an unfamiliar road with an unfamiliar person.

Asa, Richard. Dating in an age of multiple divorces: Navigating the dating scene when your date already has two or three marriages behind him.(n.d.): n. pag. Chicago Tribune. 2013. Web. 16 Jan. 2013. http://www.chicagotribune.com/features/life/sc-fam-0115-dating-divorced-20130115,0,1797022.story

Perceptions of safety affect a person’s psychological state. If someone feels threatened or fearful, they may have increased levels of anxiety. If someone feels safe and protected, they may have high levels of self-confidence and feel more independent than someone that feels unsafe. The community in which a person lives can have a large impact on their mental well-being. People who live in high-crime, low-income neighborhoods are at increased risk for many negative outcomes, including drug abuse, relationship problems, violence, unwanted pregnancy, and depression. In fact, existing research has demonstrated a clear link between depression or anxiety and the environment in which a person resides. In particular, people living in communities in which they feel unsafe are more likely to have poor mental health outcomes than those in safer communities.

Until now, no study has looked at contributing factors that could increase or potentially protect individuals in unsafe neighborhoods from anxiety or depression. To accomplish this, Jaime Booth of the School of Social Work at Arizona State University led a study that examined isolation, powerlessness, and mistrust as predictors of feeling unsafe or safe in a sample of 4,196 participants. The results revealed that the more unsafe someone thought their neighborhood was, the worse they fared psychologically. Lack of safety was directly related to increased distress.

When Booth looked at the three secondary factors, the findings suggested that the distress from feeling unsafe could be enhanced or diminished. All three factors of powerlessness, mistrust, and isolation directly increased feelings of psychological stress. However, when participants reported high levels of trust, social support, or empowerment, they had lower levels of psychological stress. This suggests that increasing these domains in high risk individuals could lessen their feelings of helplessness, regardless of how safe their neighborhood is. “Understanding specific neighborhood factors that impact mental health enabled us to design more effective interventions and is crucial to addressing mental health disparities,” said Booth. The results of this study are one more in the continual pursuit of that goal.

Reference:
Booth, Jaime, Stephanie L. Ayers, and Flavio F. Marsiglia. Perceived neighborhood safety and psychological distress: Exploring protective factors. Journal of Sociology & Social Welfare 39.4 (2012): 137-56. Print.

Couples who have been married for decades seem to know the secret to successful relationships. But when couples bicker and fight after years of being together, is it a sign of an unhappy relationship or cognitive decline? According to a recent article, children and caregivers of couples who exhibit tension and anger may merely be witnessing what has always been there, just with different eyes. When children reach adulthood and enter into their own relationships, they may begin to view their parents’ relationship with different, often more critical, eyes. This could shed new light on not-so-subtle patterns between their parents that have always existed.

But when fighting, arguing, or hostility are new behaviors, they may signify a deeper problem. Mild cognitive impairment (MCI) is an insidious, subtle offender that creeps up on people. Individuals who begin to forget things, or become overwhelmed by things that used to come easily, may hide their impairment from those closest to them out of fear and shame. When a wife who used to be able to tackle all the household chores suddenly stops doing them, her husband may think she is being lazy. Likewise, when a husband who used to enjoy socializing becomes reclusive, his wife may respond with anger and hurt. These mixed signals can increase hostility and tension in the relationship.

Other indications are suspicion and jealousy. Delusions of infidelity or callousness can cause someone to become accusatory of their spouse. This can lead to resentment. And even though they may be unfounded, they set the stage for anger and conflict. The same can happen with physical health declines. Many illnesses can decrease sexual arousal and stifle sexual intimacy. Without that type of connection, couples can become emotionally and physically distant. Dr. Nancy K. Scholssberg, a professor of counseling psychology at the University of Maryland, knows that even though fighting isn’t the answer to the fear or uncertainty that accompanies illness, it is often the most commonly used coping strategy. “Fighting may come from a misguided notion that you can regain power by asserting it over your spouse,” said Schlossberg. “It doesn’t work, it’s false power – but they’ll [spouses] try anything.” Add to that the stress of caring for an ailing spouse, and you’ve got a recipe for disaster. Even though MCI may not be to blame for the battles in most relationships, it is especially important for clinicians to explore this possibility when working with older couples.

Reference:
Seliger, Susan. In the middle: Why elderly couples fight. (n.d.): n. pag. The New York Times. 17 Dec. 2012. Web. 30 Dec. 2012. http://newoldage.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/12/17/in-the-middle-why-elderly-couples-fight/

According to comScore, which measures Internet traffic, 66% of Internet-using men between the ages of 18 and 34 look at online pornography at least once a month. Does it really matter if you watch pornography? Does it really impact marriages and relationships? Two-thirds of divorce lawyers say the Internet has played a significant role in divorces within the past year, with excessive interest in online pornography contributing to more than half of such cases. That does not even speak to the impact pornography has on physical and emotional intimacy in relationships.

Consider these five reasons pornography can hurt your love relationship:

1. Men who view pornography can experience “sexual anorexia”! What? Indeed, the results of a study in Italy that surveyed 28,000 porn users seem to corroborate the notion that too much porn has a negative impact on sexual performance. Apparently, men become so accustomed to the unrealistic images they see in pornography that they can no longer get erections. Many men don’t realize their brain’s sensitivity is declining toward “normal” sex because web-based erotica delivers endless dopamine hits—making erection and climax possible where normal encounters would not. When they try to have actual intercourse and cannot, they understandably panic. The brain changes that cause porn-induced erectile dysfunction arise from actual, physical addiction processes (among them, numbing of the pleasure response of the brain).
2. With porn, partners are always willing and ready for sex! Where sexual drive varies in individuals, porn creates the unrealistic illusion that your partner should always be ready, willing, and able. Imagine the pressure this puts on your partner. It leaves no room for emotional connection, real-life circumstances, and the fun of pursuing each other in ways that are meaningful to each other rather than with only one objective in mind. If your partner has had a tough day at work, fought traffic, made dinner, taken care of the kids, done laundry, and prepared the family for the next day but then felt too tired for sex and consequently got replaced by porn, is this going to build intimacy or destroy it?
3. Porn creates scenarios that just aren’t real! Here are some conclusions from a study by the surgeon general: The values expressed in pornography clash with the family concept, and potentially undermine the traditional values that favor marriage, family, and children. Pornographic scripts dwell on sexual engagements of parties who have just met, who are in no way attached or committed to each other, and who will part shortly, never to meet again. Sexual gratification in pornography is not a function of emotional attachment, of kindness, of caring, and especially not of continuance of the relationship, as such continuance would translate into responsibilities, curtailments, and costs. Now what if I told you that study was conducted in 1986? Consider how much more widespread pornography is today with the Internet, social media, etc. Porn sets up couples and families to fail because as one becomes more immersed in the false “reality,” true reality suffers and is shamed.
4. Real-life partners can’t compete with embellished pornography! Porn creates an environment in which everyone is beautiful or handsome. Body parts are perfect, accentuated, and responsive in extreme satisfaction. How can anyone’s spouse or partner compete with that? If someone is indulging in hours of pornography, how can it not affect his or her reality when looking at a spouse or partner? The partner will begin to feel inadequate, judged, and compared, and might shut down or withdraw. This only leads to more disconnect on both parts and, for the one viewing porn, can start the path to even more sexual dysfunction.
5. It is not only the partner who can’t live up to the porn standards! So you view pornography, watch how “perfect” things are, how every encounter is desired and accepted, every act brings mutual satisfaction, and the performance never fails, never disappoints. How can anyone live up to that? The truth is, you can’t—and you are not supposed to. In a true relationship, you accept each other for who you are, you make it special for each other, and there is understanding and compassion, not fear and judgment. Pornography is NOT reality, and forcing oneself to watch unrealistic situations over and over and then expecting yourself to perform the same way is setting yourself and your partner up for disappointment.

This is the reality of the impact pornography has on your loved one and your love life. There is the argument that moderation is the key, but too many studies show that it typically does not stay at moderation—it escalates, requires more intensity to meet sexual gratification, begins to have a negative impact on sexual experience with your partner, and eventually causes a disconnect in relationships that is difficult to overcome.

Sure, it is easy to brush it off and say it won’t happen to you, but before coming to that conclusion, take an honest look at what pornography has already done in your life, in your partner’s life, in the area of hiding the habit, shame on you and your partner … if you want a truly honest response, have an open mind to what your partner thinks of your viewing of pornography. Based on real studies, real facts, real impacts on relationships, what are you going to do? It is never too late to get help through counseling, support groups, and accountability to begin the path of personal and relational healing.

In the spectrum of human emotions, jealousy is almost certainly one of the most complex, frustrating, and uncomfortable. This cocktail of anger, sadness, suspicion, and envy can destroy relationships, cause bouts of depression and anxiety, and even lead to serious violence or—in extreme cases—homicide. While jealousy and envy are sometimes used synonymously, jealousy refers to the fear of losing someone or something you value, while envy is resentment over something you don’t have but want. Jealousy is probably a hard-wired emotion that humans have developed through evolution. Evolutionary psychologists have written extensively about the role jealousy plays in mating strategies. But even emotions with genetic underpinnings only manifest in certain environments, and there are several factors that make jealousy more likely to surface.

Fear of Being Replaced

People don’t normally experience jealousy unless they feel threatened by another person or entity. Sibling jealousy is usually caused by a child’s fear that the parents will replace him or her with a new sibling or love another sibling more. In romantic relationships, jealousy is typically triggered by a third party. The third party doesn’t have to actually pose a threat; the mere perception of a threat is enough to get the wheels of jealousy turning.

Individual Psychological Factors

Like almost every other emotion and relationship problem, jealousy is heavily affected by individual factors. Past experience can increase a person’s likelihood of being jealous. An adult whose parents modeled jealousy may tend more toward jealousy, and a person who has been betrayed by a lover might be more prone to suspicion. Traits such as anxiety can also affect jealousy. People who tend to worry a lot are more likely to worry about losing a loved one.

Relationship Quality

Some people are more prone to jealousy than others, but virtually everyone is more jealous in an unstable or unloving relationship. After all, jealousy is centered on the fear of losing someone. If you’re unsure of your spouse’s love or your child is unclear whether you love him or her as much as a new sibling, jealousy is much more likely to become explosive. Indeed, in relationships that are already troubled, jealousy may be the final nail. Because jealousy is heavily influenced by the quality of a relationship, practicing loving communication and taking time out for one another is an excellent way to protect against severe jealousy.

The unique dynamics of a relationship can also affect jealous feelings. When there’s a mismatch in relationship styles, it can be a recipe for jealousy. Attachment plays a significant role in jealousy, and people with insecure attachment styles can be more jealous than people who are securely attached. For example, a husband who needs a lot of attention and reassurance might be more prone to jealousy if his wife tends to like her personal space. A highly social husband might make his more introverted wife jealous, particularly if she’s not used to having the large number of close relationships he has.

Preventing Jealousy

Jealousy is not always a negative emotion. It can alert you to a deficit in your relationship and help you become mindful of potential outside threats. After all, sometimes you really are in danger of losing your mate. But when jealousy takes over or occurs for no apparent reason, it can be highly destructive. Couples experiencing problems with jealousy may benefit from couples therapy. Other ways to minimize jealousy include:

• Talking directly and openly about feelings
• Discussing strategies to minimize jealousy
• Practicing honesty in interpersonal relationships
• Examining whether the jealousy is caused by external or internal factors
• Working to improve lacking elements within the relationship
• Taking time to make the other person feel special and valued

References:

1. Allen, J. (2000). Romantic jealousy: The role of attachment style and social comparison processes in the violent expression of romantic jealousy. Leicester: University of Leicester.
2. Springer, S. (n.d.). Jealousy is a dangerous sword. Clinical Psychology Associates. Retrieved from http://cpancf.com/articles_files/jealousyinrelationships.asp

According to Diane Falzone, author of a recent column, the “deployment sex pact” is a long-standing military arrangement. Essentially, the pact gives permission for partners to engage in sexual relations with someone other than their spouses during long periods of deployment. There are no hard and fast rules; each couple makes guidelines that are acceptable to them. Falzone, however, believes such agreements may cause more pain than pleasure.

When Falzone first wrote about it, she had readers who were for it and others who vehemently opposed it. Some wrote that vows were vows and deployment doesn’t change that. Others stated that permission to have sex satisfies natural, biological urges without putting the relationship at risk. Falzone begs to differ, even though she believes every couple has the right to determine the limits of their own relationship. “But it’s my belief that if you cannot be faithful for the 10-18 months of a given deployment, perhaps you should reconsider the fundamentals of what makes a relationship,” she said.

Having guidelines and regulations in the military is one thing, but extending them to infidelity within the marriage is another entirely. And what about discipline? Doesn’t the military teach discipline, restraint, and sacrifice? If a soldier can adhere to those tenets in the field, can’t he or she uphold those same character traits within his or her marriage?

Relationships are founded on trust and honesty. Even if partners believe they might be OK with the idea of a sex pact initially, they may find themselves becoming secretly jealous of their spouses. A deployed partner might develop romantic feelings for someone else and not be willing to divulge that information to his or her spouse. The military marriage and potentially other relationships could be at risk, and there are additional threats such as sexually transmitted disease and unintended pregnancy. Falzone believes finding love is hard enough. She suggests that when you do find that special someone, don’t commit to conditional infidelity—commit to being faithful.

Reference:
Falzone, Diane. Should military marriages include a “deployment sex pact”? (n.d.): n. pag. Fox News. 26 Nov. 2012. Web. 26 Nov. 2012. http://www.foxnews.com/opinion/2012/11/26/military-marriages-and-deployment-sex-pact/

Family therapy can help families and couples overcome challenges with interpersonal relationships. Many issues that families and couples face become volatile and hostile without the help of learning how to constructively communicate and problem-solve. Relationship issues do not discriminate, and people of all cultures and races are vulnerable to family conflicts. This does not mean that people of every ethnicity embrace family therapy equally. In fact, African-Americans are far less likely than white people to seek out therapy for family problems. The reasons for this are many, and could include limited access to care, financial restrictions, mistrust of mental health professionals, and fear of stigma associated with counseling.

Cadmona A. Hall of the Marriage and Family Counseling Center at the Adler School of Professional Psychology in Illinois wanted to examine the specific barriers preventing African-Americans from seeking treatment. In a recent study, Hall interviewed nine participants and found that stigma presented the biggest obstacle to treatment. Resilience was the most common personality trait that helped the participants overcome the stigma. Hall believes that African-Americans are more likely to be resilient, having had to surmount the atrocities of slavery and the injustices of discrimination. This ability to overcome could have been an underlying force that led the participants to seek out help despite the barriers.

Hall also noted that eight of the nine individuals in her study were affiliated with the college where the counseling clinic was located. Having knowledge of and access to the services could have increased the willingness in this sample of participants. Another appealing aspect of the university clinic was the sliding fee scale, which was cited as a very beneficial aspect. Mistrust, which was listed as a barrier to treatment seeking, was addressed when the participants realized that their sessions were confidential and they felt comfortable enough to build rapport with their therapists. This was critical in setting them at ease and ensuring they would return to complete therapy. Although the sample size used here was small and lacking diversity, it was able to provide insight into the factors that prevent African-Americans from seeking out therapy. “As clinicians increase sensitivity and understanding of the unique features of African-Americans, they will have an increased ability to engage that population in therapy and increase quality of care,” Hall said.

Reference:
Hall, Cadmona A., and Jonathan G. Sandberg. “We shall overcome”: A qualitative exploratory study of the experiences of African-Americans who overcame barriers to engage in family therapy. American Journal of Family Therapy 40.5 (2012): 445-58. Print.

One of the reasons many children do not tell anyone about being sexually abused is because they fear that their loved ones will not believe them. Often, their abuser is a friend or family member, and although children may know that what occurred is wrong, they may be confused and worried that their caregivers will think they have misconstrued the behavior. Children who feel neglected or maltreated by caregivers may feel reluctant to disclose abuse, and many abusers threaten children, creating more reasons for nondisclosure. However, when children do reveal abuse, getting them to explain the abuse in a way sufficient to lead to prosecution can be challenging.

Various methods of interrogation are used on child-abuse victims, including open-ended questions, yes/no questions, “What happened?” questions, and “How did that make you feel?” questions. For the most part, open-ended questions and “what” questions tend to provide the least amount of detail. Children often are unable to articulate the details of their abuse. And while “how” questions that prompt children to reveal their physical reactions and feelings allow them to detail their personal experience in great detail, this is the most rarely used form of interrogation. To explore which method would provide the most accurate recollection of abuse and elicit emotional responses that could demonstrate credibility to jurors, judges, and therapists, Thomas D. Lyon of the Department of Psychology at the University of Southern California recently examined transcripts from more than 100 child-abuse cases.

Lyon discovered that when children were asked closed-ended questions such as yes/no, their responses were narrow and they exhibited little emotion. Similarly, when they were asked “What happened?” they were hesitant to reveal details and appeared emotionally undisturbed. But when children were asked how the abuse made them feel and what their physical reactions were, the responses were extremely vivid and consistent. They demonstrated emotional responses and used words such as angry, sad, afraid, confused, “sick to my stomach,” and dirty. They manifested facial and physical reactions that allowed those interviewing them to see the damage of the abuse in ways that the children could not articulate when prompted with direct questioning. “Children can be surprisingly articulate about their reactions to sexual abuse, despite their apparent lack of affect in describing the abuse itself,” Lyon said. He hopes that these findings will motivate interviewers, prosecutors, and mental health professionals to evaluate physical and emotional reactions of abuse as a means to gather details from child sexual abuse victims.

Reference:
Lyon, Thomas D., Nicholas Scurich, Karen Choi, Sally Handmaker, and Rebecca Blank. ‘How did you feel?’: Increasing child sexual abuse witnesses’ production of evaluative information. Law and Human Behavior 36.5 (2012): 448-57. Print.

This is the third in a series of articles designed to explore some of the issues and concerns that arise around what is currently called Asperger’s syndrome, which will soon be incorporated into the broader spectrum of autism disorder when the new Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) is published in 2013.

I had a client we’ll call Brian, a man in his mid-thirties with a diagnosis of Asperger’s syndrome who came to me to discuss what he referred to as “issues he was having with people at work.”

It is not an unusual request for a person with Asperger’s to want to work on the confusion that surrounds social interactions in general. Interactions at work often are more challenging because in the office, not only do the normal social protocols apply, but there often is an additional layer of a particular corporate culture overlaid upon this basic structure, invisibly directing everything.

Bryan was a pleasant and engaging man. He held good eye contact, spoke with precision, and demonstrated a light touch with humor. His demeanor changed, though, when I asked him about his colleagues in the office where he worked as a certified public accountant.

A quiet earnestness overcame him. He spoke clearly and without breaking to collect his thoughts or in expectation of response. He discussed one individual after another in great detail, including information about the kind of work they did, their areas of responsibility, and where they stood in the hierarchy. This was precisely the sort of information I expected to get from Brian on the topic of work relationships.

Then, however, he began to speak of his colleagues in more personal terms. He knew who was married and who was single. He knew who had children, their names and ages, and the schools they attended. Brian told me who had recently vacationed and where they had gone; who golfed and who played tennis; who had iPhones and who used Androids. He knew the makes and models of everyone’s cars. He knew the names of spouses. He knew which neighborhoods his coworkers called home. He even knew who had housekeepers and who did not.

It might appear surprising on first glance to read that I was given such detailed and personal information about others from a man with Asperger’s who came into my office with self-identified problems related to interpersonal relationships. But I have seen this before. Once you look at this apparent contradiction in another light, you may recognize it, too.

I’m talking about the illusion of friendship.

Further discussion with Brian demonstrated to me that he had gleaned all this information about his coworkers not from interactions with them over time, the way you or I might imagine getting to know the people we work with. Instead, Brian had developed his extensive knowledge of everyone around him by listening and even eavesdropping on conversations others were having around him, but in which he had not once been involved personally.

And he was having problems with his coworkers when he would make a statement revealing his knowledge about a person, info he had no apparently legitimate way of knowing. People became uncomfortable around him because of this and withdrew from him, which left him utterly confused.

Of course, this became the starting point for our work together. Brian had to learn about the ways that acquaintanceships and friendships develop over time. Importantly, he also had to learn the concept of reciprocity: It is not enough to know things about another person, but one must also share personal information about oneself as well in the give-and-take manner of casual conversation. This is how trust develops between people. This is the foundation from which we can make a statement such as, “Oh, yes, I know Brian,” with legitimacy.

Brian had to learn that knowing confidential or intimate facts about another person without that reciprocity was considered socially gauche, and that it had the potential even to be frightening to some individuals. Brian had to learn the difference between having friends and having the illusion that he had friends.

Once we began to tease this distinction apart, Brian began making progress in his social interactions. We used role-playing techniques and many “what-if” exercises, and Brian’s distress around the topic of his work environment noticeably decreased over time.

Many mental health professionals consider the three “A’s”—addiction, affairs, and abuse—sufficient reason to leave a partner. This blog addresses lower-level offenses related to the first two. While most couples can overcome low-level indiscretions in any area of the three “A’s,” when multiple indiscretions occur or the degree of severity is greater, it may be time to throw in the proverbial towel. As couples grapple with why one partner cheated or entered the depths of alcoholism or drug addiction, they need to evaluate the patterns of relating they have become used to, the interpersonal dynamics they engage in, the dances they dance, and the issues they may have brought into the relationship. One theme that consistently emerges is the degree to which couples are honest with each other. How much do they divulge? How important is it to tell the truth? Do you really need to tell your partner everything?

In Alcoholics Anonymous, we hear people say, “We are as sick as our secrets.” Family addiction therapists are fond of saying that there are no family secrets. By this, they mean that even when we believe that other family members don’t know a certain secret, that secret still has an impact on everyone in the family. If individual members don’t know the specifics of the secret, they are still impacted by it and sense or experience it unconsciously—and that can affect the whole family. I work with patients who learned in their twenties or later in life that they were adopted, that their parents were once married to an abusive spouse, or that they have a sibling they never knew, among other revelations.

I’ve also become aware of the extent to which sober and recovering clients keep things from their partners. Even in relatively healthy relationships, there appears to be a fair amount of small-scale concealment and deception, though the extent of the infractions often is debatable. Several clients I see—coincidentally or not, all men—have reported engaging in exercise cheating. What’s that, you ask? Exercise cheating, essentially, is exercising and not telling your partner, or not revealing how much or what type of exercise one engages in.

Even I have been guilty of cheating on my wife. A few years back, as I was setting up my new Philadelphia office, I decided to buy a painting by an artist that my wife and I liked. My wife studies art history, and I thought she would appreciate that I was acquiring a painting by a Temple University master’s graduate. And while $650 is no small chunk of change for this sort of thing, I thought it was a great investment for my new office. I thought I would surprise her with the purchase. Instead, she was angry. “You art cheated!” she cried as soon as she saw it. She was genuinely annoyed that I had not consulted with her on a purchase of this magnitude. Whether I was right or wrong in purchasing something of that cost for my office was not the issue. What is important is my partner’s perceived betrayal and need for dialogue, negotiation, and consultation.

Many hypothesize that cheating behavior is related to vestiges of evolutionary differences among men and women. While this theory would be a gross generalization in today’s society, it suggests that it was more adaptive in an evolutionary way for men to cheat than for women to cheat. Assuming evolution prioritizes any behavior designed to propagate one’s genes, men may benefit from spreading their genes in a quantity-focused way. Women, meanwhile, have long gestation and nursing periods which may temporarily move them to be more devoted and committed to their offspring. Thus, they benefit from finding a better quality mate. In other words, women are biologically, or at least evolutionarily, better at taking care of their young, especially in early developmental stages. Most people agree, and research appears to back this up, that most men think about sex more frequently than women do. While both men and women want to find a quality mate, men may be more inclined to seek quantity than women are.

According to this evolutionary perspective, neither men nor women want their mates to cheat because a mate who cheats may have more offspring, which in turn means that mate is less likely to care for the original partner’s offspring and more likely to leave and care for his or her new offspring. It is in a man’s evolutionarily best interest not to alert his partner to the fact he is cheating. Any behavior—sexual or not—that results in producing healthy offspring is powerfully reinforced to the extent that it aids in propagating an individual’s genes. So, infidelity and hiding that infidelity through the processes of natural selection and evolution can become more prevalent over time.

A fair question would be whether cheating sexually is related at all to other types of cheating. Just because a partner doesn’t tell a mate where he or she is going and what he or she is doing doesn’t mean that an affair is happening, and it doesn’t mean that a tendency toward nonmonogamous behavior is the cause of disingenuous behavior in the context of the couple. In fact, the point of this article is to lessen the impact of minor violations of the honesty contract. Putting small indiscretions of dishonesty in an evolutionary context may allow couples to see this behavior as resulting from the natural instincts of the animals we are. What is important, though, is that as humans we have the capacity to dialogue. This is precisely what can keep our natural tendencies in check. Speaking honestly to our partners about our needs and wants, while often challenging, is the hallmark of a healthy relationship.

Smoking gun example: A client once described an interaction he had with his wife after she busted him for smoking pot in the garage. She smelled the smoke even as he vehemently denied he had been smoking marijuana. When she found his metal pipe, still warm, he stuck to his story. “The lie just came out,” he explained later. “I was so used to it.” He eventually was able to talk about why he lied and why he has often felt the need to cover things up. It had nothing to do with infidelity, but was instead linked to his history of struggling to feel good about himself, to be able to ask for help with his emotions feelings and thoughts and to find purpose and meaning in his life. Beginning to discuss these issues with his wife and therapist helped him think more carefully about his tendency to lie and cover his tracks. He became better at advocating for himself and negotiating with his partner in a more healthy way.

Honesty is important in recovery from any mental health issue, whether it be depression, anxiety, or stress, but it is especially important in recovery from addiction and substance use because of the strong tendencies to hide, deny, and minimize one’s behaviors. Seeing an addiction psychologist or other specialist is an important first step in understanding one’s self. It is in this therapeutic relationship that a quick foundation can be set for the basis of an honest dialogue with one’s partner, friends, and family. Rebuilding relationships with those we love and who love us is essential to recovery from addiction. Understanding ourselves and the reasons we might cheat and lie can enable us to pause just long enough to ask ourselves whether we really want to go ahead with the behavior or if we might be able to rely on those close to us to help us through the difficult times. Honest communication with the people in our lives is the only way we can become and stay sober or make meaningful and lasting changes in our lives.