If you are what is commonly referred to as a “neurotypical” spouse of a person who is diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum, you are probably accustomed to anxiety. I don’t mean to imply that you enjoy it, but I suspect you are accustomed to walking the line between your initial reaction to a conversation, for example, and the way you may come to sort it out afterward.

It usually falls to the neurotypical spouse to make these distinctions, because he or she is the person who has the capability of doing so. This derives from the differences between the brains of the partners.

You may know that Asperger’s (AS)/high-functioning autism (HFA) is a structural, neurological condition and not a mental illness. This is of great significance because there is always risk of shame around a psychiatric diagnosis. If it is clear to you and to your partner that this is not a mental illness, you will be able to manage it more readily. Secondly, you may realize that if you attribute intent to something your AS/HFA spouse said or did based on your assumptions about what you might have said or done in similar circumstances, you are winding down the wrong path.

This error of attribution, natural as it may feel at the time, is one of the sources of the anxiety you experience, but there is seldom intent to inflict pain in your life on the part of your AS/HFA spouse. There is a difference in the way your brains process information, and you are the one most capable of seeing and understanding these differences; you are neurotypical. But your spouse is not setting out to confound you, regardless of how frustrating conversational and situational conflicts may feel to you.

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Educating yourself about AS/HFA is an excellent place to start. You can learn about the neurological differences. You can learn about the difficulties your spouse has faced his/her entire life in trying to figure out social protocols and nonverbal cues for meaning in interpersonal communication. You can begin to understand that there is nothing wrong with you, and that your expectations have been normal and natural; they simply haven’t been met because your spouse is unable to meet them. You can also learn means of expressing your thoughts that are less likely to cause confusion.

For example, if you bear in mind that nearly 70% of interpersonal communication is nonverbal, and that your AS/HFA spouse is very literal in his/her approach to communication, you can quickly see the limits. And even that is compromised by nonliteral forms of speech, such as metaphor, analogy, or figure of speech, all of which can be extremely difficult to discern and comprehend for a person on the autism spectrum.

Tony Attwood is an Australia-based clinical psychologist who has made the study of AS/HFA his life’s work. I recommend his works for anyone setting out on the path of understanding this diagnosis.

Now I’d like to return to the first point regarding your anxiety. It is important to acknowledge your anxiety and frustration so that you don’t fall into the trap of assigning blame where there is none, neither on your spouse’s part nor on your own. Understanding AS/HFA from a clinical standpoint is an excellent first step.

The second step I recommend is couples counseling with a psychotherapist who understands both the world of the individual with AS/HFA and the world of the spouse. Be mindful of this as you speak with potential counselors, because you don’t want to find yourself in a situation in which one side or the other is advocated and the remaining partner is expected to do all the adapting.

Finally, I would like to point out that in my clinical experience, nearly every individual I have met with AS/FHA experiences constant anxiety often coupled with depression, due to the complex demands of coping with a world that seems as inscrutable to them as the world of the person with AS/HFA may seem to be to you.

A final word of counsel: be kind to each other. Remember that bridges can be built between you and your spouse with the help of a talented counselor who understands what lies on both sides.

Fear is a pretty ordinary human emotion. When we experience it, though, it feels anything but ordinary. How we respond to our fears can shape the way we live our lives and the people we are.

As children, we learn a great deal about fear from our parents. A parent’s fear for the child helps the child learn not to run into the street, that the iron is hot, that the electrical outlet is dangerous, etc. However, a parent’s fear may also teach the child that it is scary to go down the slide, to stay with the babysitter, to go to school, to have a sleepover, etc. In these situations, the parent is often frightened, but he or she doesn’t want to feel afraid and doesn’t want the child to experience fear, either. So, to get rid of unwanted feelings, the message is “don’t do it.” This is a different message from “yes, it’s scary, but you can do it anyway.”

Taryn was a scared child who developed into a scared adult who makes safe life choices. She came to see me because she was unhappy with her life. At 29, she was a music teacher in a suburban public school, unmarried, who lived and worked in the town next to where she grew up and where her parents still resided. She had been an “A” student in high school, and went to the local state college where she got her master’s degree in music education. In our first session, she told me: “I really wanted to be a singer. But my parents always discouraged me, saying it was no way to make a living. They encouraged me to be a teacher. I got a scholarship for college, and it wasn’t hard to get my teaching job. I lived at home the first three years I taught, and now I share an apartment with a roommate. I feel so bored. I date occasionally, but every day seems the same as the last one. I just don’t know what I want; I just know I feel empty and blah.”

As Taryn and I worked together and I got to know more about her life, past and present, I could visualize Taryn as a precocious little girl: cute, smart, and lively. She had memories of happy times with her parents—being read to, singing in the car, feeling their pride in how well she did in school. She also had memories of sleep problems, fear of going to school, and a lot of worries. In particular, she talked about not being able to fall asleep on her own until she was 10 and her parents having to stay in her room until she fell asleep. She also had separation anxiety around school, sleepovers, and in general when she felt her parents were out of contact. She recalled: “When I was 12, my friends were going away to camp for two weeks and I started to think about going too. I remember telling my parents that I was worried that I would be homesick. They encouraged me not to go and said it was silly for me to put myself through the worry. When I decided to stay home, I thought they were more relieved than I was.”

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Taryn’s experience illustrates growing up with parents who are unable to contain their anxiety. To manage their feelings, anxious parents typically need their children to share their anxiety. As long as the child is anxious, the parent can feel less anxious and expect that the child will refrain from taking risks. The parent’s anxious demeanor and behavior communicate life lessons to the child: it’s not OK to take risks; it’s not OK to feel anxious; one must act in ways to get rid of the anxiety rather than feel the feelings and see what happens when action is taken.

Being a parent is by definition anxiety producing. No one teaches us how to parent. We have no road maps about how to respond to our children’s behaviors and feelings. Moreover, we have no set of instructions to help us manage our feelings. Frequently, we rely on our experiences in our families of origin to model what we should do and not do in raising our children. It is rare to hear of a parent who says to their anxious young adult child, “Don’t be an anxious parent like me. Try to contain your anxiety with your child and help him to get comfortable with all his feelings so he can go into the world and take risks. I didn’t help you with that, but maybe you can be a better parent.”

Some of us realize that it would be helpful to our children to provide them with an experience different from the one we had growing up. Glenn is the father of 4-year-old Callie. He is very aware of his tendency to worry and get anxious in the face of any possible danger. He is also aware that he is repeating with Callie the over-involved, hovering, scared demeanor that his mother had with him. In therapy, he wanted help with containing his anxiety and not communicating his fears to Callie: “When I take her to the playground, I can feel myself becoming scared and vigilant when she approaches the slide or starts running around. I think to myself, ‘Oh, no, she’s going to get hurt, I have to stop her.’ It takes so much self-control to keep my mouth shut and I don’t always succeed. I also am having conflict with my wife because I don’t want to put Callie in preschool. I keep thinking how sad and abandoned she will feel. My wife thinks I’m nuts. Maybe I am.”

Fortunately, Glenn has the ability to understand that his anxious behavior doesn’t serve Callie. He has been thinking about Callie’s future and his worries: “I can see myself holding her back in all kinds of ways. I know how scared I was trying new things. I can imagine going along with her fears. Like if she’s timid socially or nervous about trying out for a sports team, I know I’ll think of my fears as a kid and not be able to help her. I want her to be strong, able to go away to college rather than go to a commuter school like I did. I want a different experience for her.”

Even if Glenn is not yet able to change his feelings, he has been trying to alter some of his behaviors. We have agreed to work together to see if Glenn’s feelings can move closer to what he is able to know intellectually. Glenn is highly motivated. His ability to recognize the way his anxiety developed from his parents’ communications to him, his memory of his conflicts about wanting more but being terrified of the risks, and his desire to not repeat this pattern with his daughter are extremely motivating.

Worry, fear, anxiety—they serve as important warning signs that keep us safe. But if we think of the fight-or-flight continuum, parents who always signal their children to flee are, in many life circumstances, depriving their children of the diversity life has to offer. Not only are they being denied access to the wide variety of ways to participate in the world, they are being robbed of the ability to develop into individuals who are resilient, confident, and know what they want and how to get it. If parents can respond to a child with the reassuring idea that it is OK to be afraid and still choose to take risks and explore the world, they will be helping the child to learn that fear is to be respected and considered, but is not always a signal for saying no to the scary but exciting and fascinating new experiences that make us the unique individuals we keep becoming.

Note: To protect privacy, names in the preceding article have been changed and the dialogues described are a composite.

You are single, feeling good about yourself, looking your best, and decide to go out for a night on the town. In the back of your mind, there is a small nugget of hope that perhaps tonight you will finally meet the person of your dreams and begin the relationship you have been fantasizing about.

As you arrive at the party, bar, or dance club, you settle in to the festive atmosphere and begin to enjoy yourself when you spot that potential mate across the room. Their physical appearance fulfills all your requirements and they appear to be witty, vivacious, and fun as you observe them interacting with their friends.

Suddenly, you find yourself unable to move, your feet stuck to the ground, and all of your desire to connect stymied by a sudden loss of will and resolution. As much as you may wish to follow through and walk the 20 feet across the floor, you find yourself unable to gather up the courage to make what now feels like a million-mile march.

This sudden shift is driven by a common fear among people both LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender) and straight: the fear of rejection. Rejection is a concern that many people carry in the dating world, as it can influence one’s ability to make a connection to someone who could potentially be a great friend, a fun fling, or even a partner.

The fear of rejection is often rooted in the misguided belief that we are not good enough for a person. We fear giving that person the power to make us feel foolish or less than in comparison to them. We build a construct around the person we are hoping to meet that makes them better than us, even though this is often not the truth.

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Here is the kicker to the fear of rejection: It is very possible that someone at that same party, bar, or club finds you to be the object of their attraction and is fearful of approaching you because they imagine you will reject them. It might even be that person you were attracted to, the one standing 20 feet away.

This ultimately leads to a room full of people, many attracted to others, and yet all equally fearful to step across the room and introduce themselves. Thus, the room is frozen in a static energy of missed connections.

There is a powerful means to counteract the fear of rejection—and that is by recognizing that almost everyone is being influenced by it. With this knowledge, you can choose to empower yourself and be the person who breaks the shackles of the rejection construct and risks crossing the room to say hello.

By taking this risk, you reveal yourself as someone who is not constrained by social encumbrance, someone who will take the time and energy to reach out for connection. This presentation of self-assurance and risk taking can be quite sexy to the person you are approaching. Confidence is a proven aphrodisiac.

It also helps to make the approach with a deep sense of curiosity about the person rather than being overwhelmed by your preconceived ideas of who this person is based on how they represent themselves in the moment. They may be projecting a little bit of attitude that is founded in their fear of rejection protecting them from harm. If you assume everyone is holding a tiny bit of fear of rejection, it can help you to be kind and gentle in your approach.

As you begin to release your fear of rejection, you will notice that other people begin to find you more approachable, and the potential for deeper connections will begin to blossom.

A relationship is a partnership. If you feel that couples therapy may help strengthen your partnership, repair it, or help it weather problems easier, you need to recognize that it is most effective when both parts of the couple attend therapy. You may feel that your significant other is the cause of all the relationship’s troubles and that it is unnecessary for you to attend therapy, but these therapists explain how you could be contributing to the problems and how they may be affecting you:

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Nervous about your first family therapy session? Many people are. It is normal to be unsure of what to expect before starting any kind of therapy. Here, several family therapists explain what you will likely experience during your first family therapy session:

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If you and your partner are entering into couples therapy, there may times when you want to meet with the therapist individually. Most therapists have established guidelines in place for this situation to protect you and your partner, and to promote effective therapeutic progress for the relationship. The mental health counselors below discuss what usually happens in couples therapy when one partner wants to meet with the therapist alone:

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Parenthood makes worry inevitable, but the threats parents worry about change with each generation. The National Poll on Children’s Health, conducted annually by the University of Michigan C.S. Mott Children’s Hospital, is a phone survey that asks a nationwide sample of adults to list the top 10 threats faced by children in their communities, as well as for children across the country.

The most recent poll suggests that violence and health are ongoing concerns for most parents. Over the years, obesity tends to top the list of concerns among those polled, along with bullying and substance abuse, and this year’s poll brings gun-related injuries and school violence into the mix.

What Do Parents Fear?

When parents were surveyed on the biggest threats to children across the United States, 55% put childhood obesity on the list, making childhood obesity the greatest concern of all.

The top 10 “big problems” affecting children nationwide, according to adults surveyed, include:

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1. Childhood obesity – 55%
2. Bullying – 52%
3. Substance abuse – 49%
4. Smoking – 47%
5. Violence at school – 44%
6. Child abuse – 42%
7. Alcohol abuse – 41%
8. Internet safety – 40%
9. Gun-related injuries – 39%
10. Teen pregnancy – 37%

Adults frequently expressed different concerns for children living in their local communities. Childhood obesity still topped the list, with 29% of parents ranking it as a major local threat.

The top 10 biggest local threats included:

1. Childhood obesity – 29%
2. Smoking – 26%
3. Drug abuse – 26%
4. Bullying – 23%
5. Stress – 22%
6. Alcohol abuse – 19%
7. Internet safety – 18%
8. Child abuse and neglect – 18%
9. Teen pregnancy – 16%
10. Not enough physical activity – 15%

The Most Common Threats for Children

Parents’ fears can be influenced by media coverage of frightening events, such as mass shootings. In some cases, parental fear is reflective of common threats. Child abuse, for example, is startlingly common, with more than 6 million cases reported to state child protection organizations in 2012.

Parents don’t always worry about the biggest threats, though. Some leading causes of childhood deaths didn’t make the list. Among babies, the leading causes of death are sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS), developmental and congenital conditions, and low birth weight. Among children ages 1–14, cancer, developmental and genetic conditions, and accidents are the leading causes of death. Suicide, homicide, and accidents top the list among older teenagers.

Though parents’ worries might not always directly reflect the threats their children face, it makes sense that parents might feel anxious in general. In 2013, UNICEF rated child welfare in industrialized countries. The U.S. had the second-highest child poverty rate, and overall, the U.S. ranked 26 out of 29 countries on measures of child welfare.

References:

1. Child abuse and neglect stats. (2014, August). Retrieved from https://www.firststar.org/library/national-statistics.aspx
2. Death among children and adolescents. (2012, August 1). Retrieved from http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/001915.htm
3. School violence, gun-related injury among top 10 child health concerns nationally. (2014, August 11). Retrieved from http://www.mottchildren.org/news/archive/201408/school-violence-gun-related-injury-among-top-10-child-health
4. Schwayder, M. (2013, April 11). UNICEF report on child well-being shows U.S. near bottom of list. Retrieved from http://www.ibtimes.com/unicef-report-child-well-being-shows-us-near-bottom-list-1186975

In addition to adapting to the brand new experience of parenting, many new parents may also be managing preexisting mental health issues, like depression or bipolar. Others may experience postpartum depression (PPD) after the birth of a child. The American Psychological Association states that postpartum depression affects 9–16% of postpartum women, and women who experienced PPD after the birth of their first child are even more likely to experience PPD after a second pregnancy.

Online resources like GoodTherapy.org can be valuable in helping you understand issues like postpartum depression—you can find a selection of blog articles related to PPD on the GoodTherapy.org Blog—but finding others who can relate is also essential. That’s why we appreciate the many wonderful blogs by parents who have experience with postpartum or general depression. It’s comforting to find people who have documented their stories and shared their own inspiration for coping with mental health issues.

Below are some of our favorite blogs by and for parents who are experiencing or have experienced PPD or depression.

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Postpartum Progress

With a team of over 15 writers, Postpartum Progress discusses the experience of motherhood—for parents-to-be, those who have decades of parenting behind them, and everyone in between. Because so many authors are contributing, you can follow the stories of mothers who are in all stages of PPD and depression. Click on “Find Moms Like You” under the Get Hope tab to explore personal stories you can relate to and resources for moving forward.

All Work and No Play Makes Mommy Go Something Something

A wife and mother who has experienced PPD and been diagnosed with bipolar II, Kimberly has many published pieces to her name in addition to her popular blog. In her bio, she writes, “Together, my boys have guided me through the darkest times of my life and held onto my hope when I lost it. Their love saves me every single day.” The link above takes you to her posts specifically addressing PPD and recovery.

Beautiful Courageous You

Lauralee writes that her faith has been of the utmost importance to her success in dealing with mental health issues while raising her five children. “Most of what I write about is a real and raw journey through depression, anxiety, and grief, not to bring you down but to bring you UP and fill your heart to brimming over with Hope.” Many people search for a spiritual approach to overcoming hardships in life; if you’re looking for inspiration from a mother with a Christian perspective, Beautiful Courageous You is the account of a woman who has learned to embrace change and rejoice in life’s trials.

Ivy’s PPD Blog

After a failed pregnancy and an unsuccessful cycle of in vitro fertilization, Ivy gave birth to her daughter in December 2004 and experienced PPD six weeks later. Though she considers her experience with PPD over, she has continued to be an advocate for education about maternal mental health issues, perinatal mood issues, and infertility. Ivy’s blog is one of our favorites because of her dedication to reducing stigma about mental health issues that women and mothers face. She also shares insightful posts about bullying and the importance of staying wary of social media—both for kids and adults.

Farewell Stranger

Robin Farr named her blog not for the Supertramp song “Goodbye Stranger”—OK, maybe a little bit for that—but because, “In telling this story, I’m saying goodbye to a version of myself that I didn’t know and didn’t understand.” Robin has presented a TEDx talk, contributed to Huffington Post, and written for Postpartum Progress about her ongoing experience with depression and the recurrence of what she calls “blips”—those times that might make one hyperaware of mental health issues. Farewell Stranger has formed an online community around Robin, her life with her two sons, and maternal depression.

PPD to Joy

The author of PPD to Joy, Yael, had a traumatic introduction to postpartum depression: her mother committed suicide when Yael was 6. When Yael found herself having similar thoughts and motives after the births of her own children, she said the memory of her mother’s death “ignited a spark” under her. She began seeking help and finding strength through support networks and professionals. Years later, she continues her blog, hosts support groups in Ithaca, New York, and helps eliminate stigma and confusion about PPD.

While there tends to be an abundance of resources available for women with postpartum depression, the help for their partners is not as plentiful. Spouses should not only learn how to support a partner with depression; they should also be prepared for dealing with depression issues themselves. Studies have shown that fathers, too, may experience postpartum depression. We are still looking for blogs by fathers with PPD; please email inquiries@goodtherapy.org with suggestions.

Are there other blogs about depression and PPD that you read? Please let us know! Have your own blog that covers these issues? We want to find it! Leave your suggestions in the comments, so we can include them in future lists like this.

I recently agreed to do part of an online course in LGBT studies. I’m doing the “B”: bisexuality. They had a hard time finding someone to do it; no one thought they could fill the time with enough info on the subject! After all, we still live in a world where a lot of people think there is “no such thing” as bisexuality.

The more I dig, the more I feel that understanding bisexuality is the key to understanding a LOT of things about sexual orientation, behavior, attractions, and gender itself. Here are 10 things I’ve learned so far:

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1. There are more bisexual people than gay and lesbian people. That’s right. Not only does bisexuality exist, those who self-label as bi outnumber those who identify as gay or lesbian. A 2011 study in The Journal of Sexual Medicine found that 3.1% of respondents in a national survey said they were bi and only 2.5% lesbian or gay. Other studies have found similar results.
2. Younger people embrace the identity more than older people. Lisa Diamond and Ritch Savin-Williams’ research shows that people under 40, and especially those under 30, think it’s no big deal to acknowledge attractions to both men and women. But then again, young people tend to think marriage equality is a no-brainer, too.
3. Women may be more bisexual than men—or they just accept it more. About 15 years ago, Meredith Chivers did lab research showing that women—regardless of their sexual identity—respond more to bisexual erotica than men. And recent analyses of national youth surveys by Nanette Gartrell show about 15% of adolescent girls have had a same-sex experience, not just attractions.
4. But men may be catching up. Savin-Williams is doing research on “mostly heterosexual” men—those with a little bit of same-sex attraction and behavior. There are a LOT of them. And Diamond, once an advocate of the position that women were more bisexual and fluid than men, recently published a paper called “I Was Wrong—Men Are Pretty Darn Fluid Too.”
5. Bisexuals threaten heterosexuals because they “blur the line.” In case you haven’t noticed, many heterosexuals still fear and reject gay people. They want to distance from same-sex attraction in every way. If the world is divided neatly into two “camps”—those who are 100% heterosexual and those 100% gay—that’s easy. But if there is a third group, people who are attracted to both men and women, it’s harder to draw the line and make that separation.
6. Bisexuals threaten gay people because they represent the ability to hide behind “heterosexual privilege.” Lesbians and gay men often fear they cannot compete with heterosexual privilege in a relationship, and many suspect that anyone who self-labels as “bisexual” will eventually find the lure of a “normal” life too tempting. Some see bisexuals as potential traitors—and heartbreakers.
7. This double “biphobia” leaves bisexuals without a community. The “B” in LGBT is only grudgingly accepted. Bisexuals would normally seek solace from their “queer” tribe—but there is sometimes only marginal acceptance by the tribe.
8. There is a tremendous pressure to “lie” if you are bisexual. Only 23% of self-identified bisexuals tell others. It’s easier to just let people assume that if you are with an opposite-sex partner you are straight and if you are with a same sex partner you are gay.
9. This leads to “bi-invisibility.” “Biphobia” is the irrational fear of bisexuality. “Bi-invisibility” is the denial that bisexuals exist and being blind to the existence of bisexuality. Until recently, this was argued in the scientific literature about bisexuality, and it is the most common public misconception about bisexuality. But bisexuals themselves may unwittingly help to maintain bi-invisibility by not “coming out.” After all, arguably the single most important thing that advanced gay rights in the past 40 years was gays and lesbians becoming more public.
10. Bi-invisibility is also maintained by “bi-erasure.” Bi-erasure is the cultural tendency to refuse to acknowledge bisexuals even when they proclaim their bisexuality. How many people think Rock Hudson gay and Marlon Brando straight? Both talked openly about attractions and sexual experiences with men as well as women. Larry King’s fumbling interview of Anna Paquin is not unusual. For reasons that mystify, many people have such a hard time wrapping their heads around the idea that someone could be attracted to both genders—or that gender might not matter—that they just erase the possibility from their worlds!

Hypnosis uses guided relaxation methods, focused attention, and sharpened concentration to achieve a heightened state of awareness—a trance state. This hypnotic trance state allows for openness to positive suggestions. While in this state, a person’s attention may be so greatly focused that almost anything going on around the person is temporarily blocked out or ignored.

We go into trance states on a daily basis. Case in point, when we are watching TV, listening to music, or reading a great book. We can still hear the passing cars outside, the bus that drives by, and the neighbor’s dog barking, but will not be alarmed or bothered by them.

This trance state is a naturally occurring state of mind. During a hypnosis session, a person will focus his or her attention with the help of a trained hypnotherapist on specific tasks or concerns they want to work on or improve. A few areas that a person may want to focus on during hypnosis include feeling less depressed, becoming more productive, decreasing pain, stress management, and, more commonly, weight management, smoking cessation, and dealing with phobias.

Hypnotherapy is not designed to be a cure for a disease such as cancer, a heart attack caused by stress, or being overweight, but rather is a tool to help relieve the symptoms of these issues. Hypnotherapy may also be combined with counseling, including therapies such as cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), and relaxation techniques to help increase the positive outcome and to enhance the overall therapeutic process.

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In my private practice, I often work with people who are struggling with stress management and anxiety, and use hypnotherapy to help relieve the symptoms. I then use CBT to help understand what is causing the stress and anxiety. Once we know the cause, we are able to figure out a way to handle situations differently so a person is less stressed and less anxious when facing the situation.

So how, exactly, does hypnotherapy work, and is it dangerous? Hypnotherapy is not an altered state of sleep, but for some, it may feel like sleep. When done properly, hypnosis is very relaxing. Although there is no consensus as to how hypnosis works, some people believe it causes the brain to react by releasing naturally occurring chemicals that affect how we sense and feel pain and other symptoms. Others believe hypnosis works on the subconscious mind, and fosters the ability to control bodily reaction to blood pressure and heartbeat. Regardless of how it works, it is widely accepted that hypnosis is safe, especially when performed by a trained professional.

So what constitutes a trained professional? A well-qualified hypnotherapist has extensive training in hypnosis and belongs to a hypnosis organization, such as the National Guild of Hypnotists, Inc. (NGH), American Society of Clinical Hypnosis (ASCH), or International Medical & Dental Hypnotherapy Association (IMDHA). There are no formal licensing policies in the United States, so choose your hypnotherapist wisely. Make sure he or she has training in hypnosis and you have met and feel comfortable working with them.

The signs for identifying that your child is being bullied are vast and often nuanced. Children often feel ashamed about being a target at school, so you may have to read between the lines to find out what is going on.

Perhaps your child is more quiet than usual. Tummy aches are becoming more frequent, and so are other excuses to miss school. They don’t like riding the bus. Whatever the case, you realize something is wrong, and as his or her parent, you can’t sit back and watch it go on anymore.

Before you head to school to sort things out, it’s worth exploring strategies on how to stop or prevent bullying. The following tips may help you address bullying in a smart and effective way:

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1. Keep your friends close. Making allies at your child’s school is key in helping your bullied child. School personnel often more quickly minimize bullying than admit that it occurs in their classrooms. If you are a good advocate for your child, you may address any issues head-on. Before you speak to your child’s teacher(s), think about how they may receive your feedback. Instead of telling a teacher what is happening in his or her classroom, ask. Tell the teacher about your suspicions, but don’t make it seem like you’re telling the teacher what to do. Compel the teacher to want to help you by being his or her ally.
2. Keep your “enemies” closer. Is there a kid in your child’s classroom who seems to be the leader or bullying instigator? Find out whom your child dislikes the most in class—and why—and talk to that child’s parents. See if you can connect with them on a personal level. You may learn that the children have more in common than they think. By connecting with the kid’s parents, you’re leading by example.
3. Play detective. Investigate what is driving the bullies. Is your child shy? Is it about your child’s appearance? Quirky interests? Children can be very cruel. And because of their developmentally appropriate black-and-white thinking, they often fall into an us-vs.-them mentality. Anybody who is different may be seen as a threat. Find out what can help your child connect with others without compromising your child’s uniqueness.
4. Recognize your child’s strengths. When children have stronger self-image, they are bothered less by what bullies say about them. What are your child’s strengths? Allow your child to see that he or she is unique, special in his or her own way. Nobody else in class may be able to identify 50 types of dinosaurs. Maybe others don’t wear glasses because they aren’t as good readers. Whatever your child’s disadvantage, there is usually an advantage to balance it.
5. Help your child shine. Find ways in which your child can exhibit his or her strengths at school. Encourage joining an after-school club he or she is likely to excel in. Or maybe your child has a cool dad. A friend told me that they were able to put an end to bullying after the dad went to school to do a presentation on martial arts. Dad did some impressive kicks, and his child was cool by association. They didn’t plan it that way, but it worked out!
6. Find out how your child really feels. Allow your child to vent with you. Don’t immediately offer suggestions. Label his or her feelings, and say them back to him/her. Children who are able to identify feelings are typically better at managing their emotions. Ask questions, and let your child talk even when you know the answer, or what your response will be. This way, your child will learn to process thoughts on his or her own, which will help him/her feel empowered.
7. Allow your child to grow from the experience. Being a victim of bullying may cause serious stress in children. With your help, it can be an experience with a positive lesson. Your child can learn how to turn a bad situation into an opportunity. The child can discover that his or her worth doesn’t depend on what others say. And you can show your child that you will always be there to support him or her.
8. Consider seeking the support of a counselor. Particularly if the bullying (and its effects) are more severe, seeking the help of an experienced child counselor or therapist can help address emotional concerns and point you and your child toward appropriate remedies.

[fat_widget_right]Many people seeking therapy want to know how long it will take before they start experiencing progress in their treatment. In family therapy, there are several dynamics that differ greatly from individual therapy, some of which may affect the amount of time needed to see results. Below, these therapists explain those differences and share details about how family therapy is best performed:

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