Woman is reflected in mirror while sitting on her bed thinkingRecent estimates put the annual number of intimate partner violence (IPV) incidents in the United States at around 8 million. That is, 8 million men and women in the U.S. experience partner violence each year. Over the course of a lifetime, about 30% of all U.S. women and 20% of all U.S. men will experience physical, sexual, or psychological abuse by an intimate partner, and those are just the reported cases. But of course, adults are not the only ones affected; during the course of a year, there are an estimated 3.3 to 10 million children exposed to violence between their parents or caregivers. Partner abuse costs the U.S. nearly $6 billion annually. Most of that is for medical and mental health treatment, but more than $700 million is for lost productivity in the workplace.

Who are these people who wreak so much havoc on their partners, their children, their workplaces, and their communities? There is a stereotype of what an abuser looks and acts like. He is male, usually blue collar, possibly unemployed, who drinks a lot and wears a particular fashion of undershirt. He is hyper-masculine and beefy, a forbidding presence. He demands that his wife have dinner on the table by six, that she keep up the house and children to his satisfaction and that she never question his authority.

The reality is that partner abuse occurs in all social and economic classes, races, ethnic groups, educational levels, religions, and without regard to physical and mental abilities. Women as well as men use it. It occurs between married and unmarried heterosexuals, gay men, and lesbians. A person who abuses their partner physically, psychologically, or emotionally is just as likely to be a corporate attorney as a forklift operator; a hair stylist as a software engineer; a schoolteacher as a deacon in the church. You can’t pick one out of a line-up. Central casting got it wrong.

So to answer the question why do partners abuse? Is not as simple as some would believe. There is an entire school of thought that states that IPV perpetrators are almost exclusively male and their motive for the abuse is to assert male dominance and maintain power and control over their female partners. This school of thought has gained a great deal of traction in courtrooms and legislative bodies all across the U.S., and while the proponents of this view have shed much welcome light on a horrible problem for many American families, it does not tell the whole story nor address the entire problem.

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The Nature of Partner Abuse

Though emphasis of the criminal justice system has historically been focused toward male-on-female “battering” as a microcosmic representation of the broader patriarchal society, more recent literature on IPV reveals that there are different and distinct violent or abusive dynamics that occur between intimate partners. In each of these distinct dynamics, researchers identify different “types” of IPV. And in the most common type, it is next to impossible to differentiate a “perpetrator” from a “victim”.

The most frequently occurring type of partner violence is what has come to be known as “Situational Couple Violence”. Different researchers estimate that anywhere from forty to seventy percent of relationships include this type of IPV. With situational couple violence, there is not usually an ongoing pattern of violent behavior, but rather the violence erupts from a specific conflictual encounter in which both partners act out with verbal and/or physical aggression. In these relationships, verbal and emotional abuse may be common. Women and men are equally likely to initiate this type of partner abuse.

Another type of IPV is identified as “violent resistance,” which may or may not be an act of self-defense against a physical assault. For example, one of the partners may resort to a physical act of aggression in response to the other partner’s emotional or verbal abuse, or in response to repeated jealous accusations. This type of partner violence is often in response to a partner who practices the next identified type of IPV.

“Intimate terrorism” is IPV in which there is a clear perpetrator and victim. Researchers estimate that anywhere from four to eleven percent of partner abuse involves this type of IPV. In intimate terrorism, the violence is part of a process by which one person establishes and maintains control and domination over his or her partner over the long term, rather than one independent act. The abuse may begin in subtle ways and escalate over time, beginning with criticism, verbal abuse and possessiveness, moving on to emotional and economic abuse, and, eventually, physical attacks that may become more frequent and severe. This type of IPV is what most of us think of when we hear the term “domestic violence.” According to crime statistics, men more often commit it, though women can be implicated in this type of pattern as well.

The final type of IPV is the least common. In “Mutual Violent Control,” both partners are entrenched in a pattern resembling two intimate terrorists battling each other for power and control. The violent acts may be a way to exert control, to relieve built-up tension, to take revenge or to avoid intimacy.

In each of these different types, occurrences of physical violence may be chronic, sporadic, or may be an isolated incident. Physical assaults may actually be only the “tip of the iceberg” in an abusive relationship. There is often an undercurrent of ongoing verbal, emotional or other types of abuse that has been present – perhaps for years – before a physical eruption occurs. Interestingly, many partners who have been subjected to verbal and emotional abuse, in addition to physical, say they feel the verbal and emotional abuse do the most damage.

Why Do They Do It?

Given these different types of IPV, it is apparent that partner abuse can occur in completely different contexts and with different motivations. To say that all partner abuse is about men having power and control over women is grossly misleading. Literature on partner abuse suggests that there are many contributing factors — neurological, psychological, interpersonal, situational, and cultural that lead an individual to engage in this type of behavior within their intimate relationships. For example, many incidents of IPV occur while the abuser is under the influence of alcohol, but most people are able to consume alcohol without assaulting their partners.

Some mental disorders are linked to incidents of IPV, and statistically, personality disorders, anxiety, addictions, bipolar disorder, or PTSD may complicate an individual’s ability to deal with interpersonal discord, but to identify mental illness as a cause of IPV is to do a great disservice to the many people struggling with these conditions who do not commit violent acts.

IPV is, in many cases, learned or witnessed in the family of origin. One study estimates that children who witness IPV between their parents are three times more likely to become adult abusers than children who are not exposed to it. Researcher Donald Dutton and others have produced a number of studies showing that the more severe cases of IPV seem to be a result of years of early developmental influences from the family of origin, including witnessing violence, shaming, abandonment, and exposure to trauma (e.g., witnessing partner violence is a type of trauma especially damaging to children). Both genders are susceptible to these influences. The common thread in developmental theories of IPV would seem to be a close link to issues of attachment.

Family of origin IPV is a fairly consistent predictor, but clearly not everyone whose parent was an abuser grows up to be one. Oftentimes, partner abuse is a “choice of last resort” for persons who experience anger or frustration in their relationship, yet lack the skills to express or manage these feelings in a constructive way. Few of us grew up with a model of what a healthy relationship looks like; most of us struggle with stresses and hardships and just do the best we can figuring it out as we go. When relationship conflict arises, we do what our parents did: ignore it, avoid it, deny it, use “the silent treatment,” raise our voices, cry, use put-downs, swear, call names, accuse, blame, walk out, slam doors, throw things, drink, get high, punch a wall, point a finger, raise a fist, hit, slap, punch, kick – you get the idea. Most times, we do exactly as our parents did. It is not uncommon for someone in treatment for abusing their partner to lament, “I’ve done what I promised I would never do – I’ve become just like my father or mother.”

The argument can be made that every relationship has problems and conflict but most people don’t resort to violence. That is very true, and research bears this out.

Abuse of any kind is always a choice. It is not caused by a poor intimate relationship, job frustration, financial crisis, sexual problems, troublesome in-laws, or child-rearing difficulties, although these factors may be present and contribute stress. It doesn’t happen because a person is provoked, drunk, has “rage issues,” bipolar disorder or “impulse control” problems. Substance abuse or psychopathology does not diminish responsibility for IPV. There is no behavior on the part of the victim that causes or excuses abuse. The person who uses violence, coercion or control must bear the responsibility for his or her choice of action.

IPV is a learned behavior; it is learned in the family and broader society (peers, community, mass media). Because it is learned, it can be “unlearned” and replaced with healthy ways of interacting.

A woman stands in woods, looking at a camera. Trauma survivors often hear, “Forget about it. Move on. It was in the past.” But this is not necessarily accurate. Until they resolve past traumatic experiences, trauma survivors are unable to move on. When trauma survivors find themselves unable to move past the past they might consider seeking the help of a licensed therapist. It is not unusual for those with past traumatic experiences to struggle with emotional difficulties, mental disorders, or physical health concerns and diagnoses.

Many of those who have survived trauma as children struggle as adults with depression, PTSD and other anxiety disorders, relationship difficulties, angry outbursts, alcohol and drug abuse, etc. Trauma survivors can experience physiological changes, too. Sometimes these individuals develop the onset of an illness. Other times their condition worsens for no apparent reason. These conditions are sometimes psychosomatic. This is a condition in which a person feels as if they are told, “It’s all in your head,” “You’re making it up,” or “You’re crazy.”

This is inaccurate. These are real conditions, though a person feels they are crazy, which may have a psychological basis to them. (I hear this frequently from people who have had traumatic pasts.) Psychosomatic means only that it’s a physical disorder caused by or greatly impacted by emotional factors. In other words, there’s a mind-body connection. Never assume any illness or painful condition has a psychological component or cause; always have a medical doctor check before making this assumption.

Survivors of childhood trauma often show some (though not all) of the following symptoms:

Physical

 

Emotional

Many of these physical symptoms can be indicative of a variety of physical illnesses. Sometimes physical illnesses can cause one to function poorly on an emotional level as well. But when physician after physician says there is nothing wrong, don’t give up. Help may be available, especially if you are aware of abuse in your past.

A word of caution. Sometimes people don’t remember past abuse. The reason for this may be either that the child blocked the emotional and physical pain, or they may not have recognized it as abuse, assuming all families lived the same way. So when you are repeatedly told nothing is wrong by your doctor, you owe it to yourself to check with a licensed therapist to see if more might be going on behind the scenes.

An elderly woman's hands are folded in prayer while resting on a bible.What prompted this article was something I read recently in AARP Magazine. (I guess I’m dating myself with that one!)

“The older you are, the more likely you are to value religion, says a new Pew Research Center survey, ‘Growing Old in America.’ Do religious folks outlive their secular age-mates? Maybe. Earlier research indicates that people who worship regularly follow a healthier lifestyle and share a life-lengthening social network. And for some, faith grows with age: a third of those 65-plus said religion became more important over the course of their lives.” (AARP Magazine, November and December 2009).

What’s interesting to me is, not so much whether or not interest in religion grows with age, but WHY?

I can come up with a few reasons:

1. One obvious reason might be that as people age, they are more aware of their mortality. It takes a certain amount of years and experiences to fully appreciate that they do not live in human form forever. Though it is not true that all young people feel like they will live forever. There are many youthful folks who have been exposed to death at an early age, and, as a result, have become aware of their own mortality. But, for most of us, it is an awareness that increases with age.

2. Another reason might be that, as people age, some become more reflective about their lives. This makes sense because there has been more life on which to reflect. As people get older, they tend to think about what that life has meant, and what they will leave behind. Those thoughts often get people thinking about what does happen when they die. This may be what inspires many people to think about some kind of higher power or divine force who, perhaps, rewards us for a life well-lived (or conversely punishes for a life lived badly), or who might be available to help make the transition.

3. When people think of their mortality, most don’t want to be alone as they make that transition to the other side. That’s when someone might turn to spirituality and/or religion for support. People know instinctively that no human will be with them as they cross over, but perhaps the divine will be there. So, some of this increased importance on religion may be driven by fear.

4. Another possibility is that the focus of older people is different from younger folks. In their twenties and thirties, much of the focus is on establishing themselves professionally and personally. What will they do? How will they support themselves? How will they acquire what they need and want? What about having a family? These questions often preoccupy them for a certain length of time. In their forties and fifties, they often are just living the life they have created. Perhaps in their sixties, many people begin to realize that they want more from life than just the acquisition of material things and status. Perhaps this is a result of gaining a certain amount of experience with the transitory nature of life. This may lead them to turn to religion and spirituality as an opportunity to get some answers about life’s deeper meaning.

5. Lastly, some people, as they get older, finally stop being reactive to the values and choices of their family of origin, and start to think about their own about spirituality and religion. I’ve worked with a number of individuals in my spiritual psychotherapy practice who say that they were so focused on distancing themselves from the religion of their parents, that they did not think about their own choices in this realm. Finally, with more confidence in themselves and true emotional separation from their parents, they were able to think about this for themselves.

A family eats breakfast outside.In part I of this series, Family Ties: Support for Family Members with Alcoholism, I discussed what happens when members of alcoholic families, who are alcoholic themselves, get sober. The members of these families tend to fall into certain behavioral patterns, or roles, which classically include: the hero, the scapegoat (or identified patient), the mascot, the lost child, and the caretaker. I want to further explore the patterns I have observed in my clinical experience working with individuals and their families, both in my private practice and in a 30-day residential treatment program.

What’s interesting to observe is how the entire family dynamic changes once their loved one gets sober. I never cease to wonder at how a person’s stabilization in treatment often leads to an increase in their family’s anxiety. Thus, as soon as the person completes detox and starts showing signs of improvement, the parent or sibling or spouse of the person will call the staff in a more anxious state than ever. This, of course, is a sign that the family’s homeostasis is changing, which is terrifying to a dysfunctional system (which tends to reject change)—another reminder that, to paraphrase James Masterson, people often come to therapy or treatment to feel better, not necessarily to get better (Masterson & Lieberman, 2004).

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What happens when a family mascot enters the treatment process for alcoholism or addiction? The mascot is someone who lessens family anxiety by providing distraction and deflection, often via humor and comic relief. Here is the “class clown” who can break tension by cracking wise at precisely the right time.

Keep in mind that family members may play more than one role simultaneously; for instance, I once worked with an individual who was a recovering alcoholic—and a stand-up comedian. Quite a good one, in fact. Fortunately, he was able to provide insight and painful emotional truth, along with the laughs. The good news with such a person is that humor is often a filter for truth, so if he/she can step out of the spotlight and get in touch with the pain of addiction, without deflecting it with humor—or to enhance rather than distract from truth—then recovery can begin.

The problem is when the person tries to re-enter the family system. Family members are inevitably going to find themselves unsettled, antsy, perhaps even critical of the clown who sheds the mask. Very often you will hear people say of a recovering mascot, “She used to be so funny, now she’s kind of boring” or “He’s so serious now that he’s sober, what happened to the exciting guy I used to know?” What often happens when a mascot (or any such family member) gets sober, is that the other members (or even close friends and co-workers, etc) are now left with an absence of deflection, or distraction, which creates a void—filled, inevitably, with each persons’ unexamined problems. Now the sibling, parent, or spouse of the mascot no longer has the luxury of distraction, and that anxiety must be contained and processed by a system that is inherently uncomfortable with owning or processing anxiety healthily.

Thus, the mascot may be left with feelings of guilt, shame, self-criticism—the usual feelings that come with early sobriety—magnified by a dysfunctional family system which gives lip service to sobriety but, in fact, isn’t exactly sure how to deal with it. This person may feel they are causing the anxiety in a family, when it’s been there all along: in subterranean form. This speaks, again, to the importance of viewing alcoholism as a family disease in which each person is required to look at his/her “stuff” without passing the buck any longer (i.e. shaming/blaming, etc). For each member, this process will at first feel very uncomfortable. But getting better does not guarantee feeling better, at least in the beginning. Paradoxically, the constant laughter and tension-breaking shenanigans of the mascot, within an actively-addicted family system, has drowned the pain that must now be dealt with head on, if the system is to truly have a shot at health.

Sadly, this did not happen with the sober comedian I mentioned earlier. With sobriety came anger on the part of his spouse, much of which was justified, given the destructive way he behaved in his addiction. However, she refused to acknowledge the fresh start his sobriety provided, declined to get help via al-anon or counseling; in turn, he blamed her for his feelings of guilt, shame, and (eventually) rage. Neither took responsibility, or found healthy support, and word has it that he is now drinking and using with abandon while his wife is hurt, angry, and seeking divorce.

References:

1) Masterson, J. & Lieberman, A. (2004). A Therapist’s Guide To The Personality Disorders. Phoenix, AZ: Zeig, Tucker & Theisen.

Young Asian couple in a forest smiling and looking at each other through binocularsRelationships are precious and help us form a sense of who we are. Even though we may have differing viewpoints, relationships can be happy, wonderful, and fulfilling if we can feel nurtured, understood, and appreciated.

Love and respect are the foundations for healthy relationships. As well-known psychotherapist Virginia Satir explains, “Feelings of worth can flourish only in an atmosphere where individual differences are appreciated, mistakes are tolerated, communication is open, and rules are flexible—the kind of atmosphere that is found in a nurturing family.”

Sometimes relationships can be frustrating and confusing. You may think you are communicating well with your partner, only to realize that you have been misunderstood. Feelings get bent out of shape, which can lead to instant conflict.

It’s also possible to improve relationships. By learning and using more effective communication strategies, you can build a stronger and happier relationship with your partner and secure a sense of love and respect. (more…)

Angry woman pointingRelationships with our co-workers and bosses can really affect our lives! When they go well our lives are enriched. When they are difficult, we and our families can suffer.

At work, the principles of Internal Family Systems Therapy can help you:

• Maintain your Self qualities when you are under the gun: Calm, Clarity, Connection, Compassion, Courage, Creativity, and Confidence
• If something gets in the way of these qualities, it’s probably a Protector Part and/or an Exile. Pay attention to them, and they may let you get back to your Self qualities and Self leadership.

Read on to find out how Internal Family Systems can help you at work. (more…)

Blonde toddler boy shaking hands with dark-haired middle-aged manYour relationship with your children’s other parent has ended. It may not have been an easy transition. Perhaps you have felt some combination of hurt, anger, depression, relief, guilt, uncertainty, or hopefulness.

Maybe you’ve taken the time to address your feelings and are ready to think about getting into a new relationship, or maybe you left your relationship in order to begin again with a new partner. It was not an easy decision to leave and change the life your children grew up with. There have been many logistical issues and emotions to deal with as you have organized new living arrangements.

Children have many feelings about their parents’ divorce. They may not understand why it happened. They may wonder if the divorce was their fault. They may worry that, if their parents can stop loving each other, then how hard would it be for either parent to stop loving them? For children, there is often a strong desire for a reconciliation between you and their other parent. Your children may perceive a new person in your life as someone who could not only interrupt that reconciliation, but  interfere with your time with your them as well.

Below are some general considerations for how to introduce a new significant relationship to your children. This is not an exhaustive list and cannot cover all the possible variables that may be true about your life.

• Give your children time to adjust to their new situation. Sometimes parents try to take care of their own feelings of loss by dating shortly after beginning to live apart, but this is one of those times when considering the needs of your children should be a priority. It may take a year or more before your children have a chance to settle into and become comfortable with all the changes divorce has brought. This may also be a good choice for you. Waiting to date gives you the opportunity to move through any feelings of loss, anger, or fear that can be helped by attention and time.

• Don’t expose your children to people you are dating until you have a pretty good sense of the relationship’s potential. There are, of course, no guarantees. However, having your children develop relationships with people who may not be in your lives for long is not only emotionally difficult for them, but could also potentially impact how they develop their own relationships later in life.

• Be honest with your children about when you are getting ready to start dating. This is, of course, age-sensitive. Don’t give your children control over when you start to venture into that world, but in general, let them know your intentions and ask for their feelings about it.

• Let your children know that your new relationship will not take time away from them. Meet new people when they are with their other parent. Children are able to understand that adults need time with other adults, just like they need time with other children.

• Reassure them that you will not bring someone into the family unless you feel comfortable that they can fit in. Once you are ready to have your children meet your new partner, don’t surprise them by having the person show up unexpectedly at an event. Talk with your children and arrange an event that is not focused solely on dialogue—for example, avoid having the first meeting be at a dinner. Your children should have the room to go and do other things besides interact. If your new partner will be in your life, there will be ample opportunity for more direct interactions.

• Before telling your children, let your ex-partner know. It can be difficult for the other parent to get that news. It may also be difficult for the children if they are unsure whether it is okay to tell the other parent or unprepared for an emotional reaction. Your children need not have the burden of being an intentional or unintentional messenger.

• Children are often open to new adults in their lives. Some may be resistant to anyone who appears to be taking the place of a parent. However, in general, when someone is friendly, pays attention to them, and doesn’t try to be a disciplinarian, many children can form an attachment to a new partner as they spend more and more time with that person.

Take some time to think through the needs of your children. It is certainly possible to start new relationships and help your children make the adjustments to the changes that come. Be open, honest, and clear about what your children can handle at their age. Do not give them power over your decisions. In the long run, children are very resilient, especially when their feelings are considered and they are given only the information they are able to understand.

coffee-sugarBreathing deeply, relaxing your muscles, and staying in the present moment are some of the most common and effective ways to manage anxiety. But did you know that changing your eating habits can also help you feel more calm and balanced?

There are certain foods and substances which tend to trigger stress and anxiety in the body, and in fact, there are several foods that can even trigger panic attacks.

Ingredients of Anxiety

Caffeine, sugar, and alcohol all increase lactic acid levels in the bloodstream. Recent studies show that a high accumulation of lactic acid in the body can increase anxiety and cause panic attacks. Caffeine also blocks adenosine, a neurotransmitter that is believed to play a role in suppressing arousal and promoting sleep. Without adenosine, the pituitary gland produces adrenaline and the increase in adrenaline can either cause or increase symptoms of anxiety. In addition to increasing lactic acid levels in the blood, sugar intake causes a release of insulin which decreases blood glucose, which can result in mood swings and agitation. Alcohol use also causes fluctuations in blood sugar levels, leading to increased anxiety and agitation.

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Seasonings used in cooking can also cause symptoms of stress on the body. Salt depletes potassium in the body. Potassium is important to the proper functioning of the nervous system. Salt also raises blood pressure, which strains the heart and arteries. Monosodium glutamate, commonly known as MSG, can irritate the nervous system causing headaches, tingling, numbness, and chest pains.

Artificial food additives, preservatives, and processed foods can also trigger reactions in people who are sensitive to them. Aspartame, an artificial sweetener, is neurotoxic and should be avoided. Processed foods, those made with refined ingredients such as white flour, white sugar, and white rice, can cause a vitamin B1 (thiamine) deficiency, which can lead to symptoms of anxiety and emotional instability. Refined and processed foods are usually stripped of much of their magnesium as well, and magnesium deficiency may be a factor in symptoms of panic.

People who manage panic disorders should avoid skipping meals. Hypoglycemia, or low blood sugar, can cause the body to release adrenaline in order to prevent fainting, which can trigger a panic attack in susceptible individuals. It helps to eat small meals every three to four hours throughout the day rather than only two or three large meals. It is also important to stay well hydrated.

Food allergies can also be a factor in anxiety and panic disorders for some people. It may help to try eliminating different foods (e.g., wheat or dairy) for two weeks at a time to determine whether a food allergy or sensitivity is aggravating anxiety symptoms.

Certain eating habits can induce symptoms of anxiety. Eating too fast, not chewing enough (15-20 times per mouthful), eating too much, and drinking too much fluid with a meal can all interfere with digestion and the assimilation of food into the body.

A deficiency in several key nutrients can cause symptoms of anxiety:

Although vitamin supplements can help keep B complex, magnesium, and calcium at healthy levels, it is especially helpful to get these nutrients through eating fresh fruits and vegetables, adequate protein, and simple carbohydrates.

Managing anxiety involves changing behavior on several levels. In addition to learning to breathe properly, relax, and use cognitive skills to stop anxious thinking, it is important to keep your body physically healthy. Watching what you put into your body can go a long way in keeping it  healthy and calmly functioning.

* GoodTherapy.org is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, medical treatment, or psychotherapy. Always seek the advice of your physician or qualified mental health provider with any questions you may have regarding any mental symptom or medical condition.

Boy hanging upside downDo you find yourself stuck in bad situations, feeling as if there’s no way out? Do you tend to give up before trying in order to avoid the pain of self-perceived, inevitable failure? Do you blow off your successes, assuming it was an accident things went so well? If so you might have a well-known psychological condition known as learned helplessness, which causes emotional or physical pain every day for millions. The good news is that you are not stuck. Help is available.

Learned helplessness often begins in childhood for those who’ve experience neglect or abuse, or who’ve witnessed a parent show signs of this condition. Perhaps as an infant, their cries for their mother were met with silence. Eventually they learned that there was no reason to cry, since their mother would not come to their aid.

Maybe this child sought help from a parent to keep them away from an abuser, but the mother did nothing to help. In families with learned helplessness it’s not unusual for these mothers to respond either with silence, or to say there are no other options available and they just have to live with it. The mother allows the abuse to continue because she feels there’s no place to go, no money to support her children and herself. She settles. The child learns to do the same.

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When a child works hard in school, bringing home good grades, yet continues to receive nothing in the way of praise from their parents, they give up in their efforts—realizing that it is a futile effort if they expect to gain love, praise, and attention from their parents. If a good teacher is involved, sometimes this can keep the child motivated to accomplish their best.

When children perform to receive love and other signs of positive feedback from their parents and their needs are unmet, they often give up due to learned helplessness. Abusive parents punish their children for not doing well enough or for not doing enough. It’s not about the child. It’s about the parents’ own unresolved issues. Sometimes the parent messes up, but blames it on the child. Either way, this teaches the child that no matter how hard they try, they can never do well enough. They give up, again due to this sense of learned helplessness about their situation in life.

People who struggle with learned helplessness blame themselves for everything. They struggle, as a result, with low self esteem and depression. When a parent tells their child (literally or through unspoken words) that their life is as good as it will get—that they cannot and should not expect their life to improve—the pattern then carries to another generation. This is why we sometimes see families who become more and more unhealthy, generation after generation. They give up, assuming any efforts put forth on their part will be futile.

As this child becomes an adult, they continue using this psychological approach in their adult efforts, with fear as the driving force behind these attempted efforts. These adults may fear that success is impossible, so they give up before they get started or they stop before they succeed. They may be fearful that others will judge them—or worse, they may judge themselves harshly for not being good enough. This condition is called perfectionism. Adults in this situation either give up on attempting important milestones in their adult lives, or they give up before they can complete these milestones. These include dating, receiving higher education, choosing a mate, choosing a career, being a parent, etc.

In most cases, feeling they will never achieve better, no matter how much they try or how hard they work, these individuals end up settling. They feel they have no control over their situations and surroundings in life. Research has shown that learned helplessness inhibits ones emotional growth and development and can leave a person struggling with depression, anxiety, and guilt. These individuals feel that they should achieve more and feel stupid, lazy, worthless, and non-deserving of accomplishing more. In addition, any failed attempts serve as reminders to the person that they are stupid, lazy, worthless, and non-deserving of accomplishing more in life. A self-fulfilling prophecy unfurls, leading many to finally give up altogether since the pain of not succeeding—in these individuals’ eyes—is too painful to face.

If you feel like a failure much of the time, experiencing depression, anxiety, and guilt because you feel that you avoid risks and personal growth, consider speaking with a licensed therapist. Sometimes the hardest part is realizing this is an issue for you. You can overcome this way of experiencing life; the past does not have to dictate your present or future.

Children have no power or control in their lives, but adults do, even when they don’t yet realize it. With the help of a knowledgeable and compassionate therapist, you can explore where these feelings of learned helplessness originated from, overcome this unhealthy way of thinking—replacing the old beliefs with new and healthy beliefs—and learn to have compassion for yourself.

Important Notice

GoodTherapy is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, medical treatment, or therapy. Always seek the advice of your physician or qualified mental health provider with any questions you may have regarding any mental health symptom or medical condition. Never disregard professional psychological or medical advice nor delay in seeking professional advice or treatment because of something you have read on GoodTherapy.