Very few people in Western cultures enforce or even endorse arranged marriages. The thought of having your spouse picked out by your parents can be repulsive to many young adults. They often view the opportunity to sow their own oats and experience the rush of first love as a fundamental rite of passage into adulthood. It is a process that is born of free will, choice and many believe, should be the sole privilege and right of the individual seeking a partner. But for Eastern societies, arranged marriages are not only encouraged, they are required. It is when Eastern and Western cultures clash that the problems arise.

[fat_widget_right]

A recent article describes some of the benefits and pitfalls to arranged unions. First, parents who favor arranged marriages believe that they are more experienced and objective than their children. They will be able to make better, less impulsive choices regarding a compatible, and often financially supportive mate than their child will. In many cultures, disobeying the arrangement can lead to disownment and exile from the family. But for the children, arranged marriages can cause fear and resentment. Many young people long for the chance to find their perfect soul mate, the one who makes their heart flutter and their palms sweat. They want to experience intimacy on many levels with that person before they make the commitment to spend the rest of their lives with them.

But do parents know best? Parents often arrange marriages for their children because doing so will ensure that their child stays vigilant in their religious beliefs. People from different cultures often see freedom of religion as a threat and are afraid of the varying views in Western societies. “The human mind finds security in habit so adjusting is hard and change is frightening,” says psychologist Jade Caton. That is why, according to Caton, many parents insist on arranged marriages. And maybe they are on to something. According to some research conducted in India, couples in arranged marriages have more extended periods of being in love than partners who choose their own mates. And arranged marriages end in divorce about 10 times less often than nonarranged marriages. But for young adults who cannot see past the pursuit and passion that come from falling in love, these statistics are often merely academic.

Reference:
Han, Mayzin. (2013). First comes marriage, then comes love. Spark Magazine (n.d.): n. pag. Web. http://www.sparksunderland.com/featured/2013/04/first-comes-marriage-then-comes-love/

Intimate partner violence (IPV) occurs in a large percentage of young adult relationships. Several factors increase the likelihood of IPV, including low socioeconomic status, living in urban communities, drug and alcohol use, witnessing or experiencing familial or domestic violence, and younger age. It has also been theorized that many relationships that experience IPV also have a component of reciprocity. In other words, many victims of IPV may also perpetrate violence against their partners. And although it has been shown that more women are victims of IPV resulting in physical injury than men, it is unclear whether or not women perpetrate a large portion of retaliatory or reciprocal aggression in violent relationships.

To get a better idea of the rates of bidirectional IPV, Niki Palmetto of the Mailman School of Public Health at Columbia University in New York recently conducted a study based on self-reports from 618 young adult women in committed relationships. She looked at history of violence, victimization, and perpetration. Over one third of the women reported having experienced at least one episode of IPV, with 12% reporting only perpetrator violence, 3% reporting being the victim only, and 19% reporting bidirectional violence. This means that nearly one in five women in this study report being both the victim and perpetrator of violence in their relationships. Factors that increased risk for bidirectional status included history of childhood sexual abuse, exposure to family IPV, younger age, and longer relationship duration.

Palmetto also found that African-American women and those who had more than two previous pregnancies were most likely to report bidirectional violence. She believes that pregnancies can present a threat to both partners, thus increasing the risk for violence. Also, Palmetto theorizes that African-American women who contribute to the financial well-being of their families may have less tolerance for victimization and may be more prone to retaliating with aggression when they are victimized. This dynamic would directly increase the rate of bidirectionality among this segment of women. Palmetto also points out that this study was based on self-reports from a nondiverse sample of women. She hopes future research extends these findings by studying women of varying ages, ethnicity, and socioeconomic status. Until then, Palmetto feels her findings contribute significantly to this area of research. She said, “We believe this study to be a critical step in the examination of bidirectional violence within adolescent and young adult dating relationships.”

Reference:
Palmetto, Niki, et al. (2013). Predictors of physical intimate partner violence in the lives of young women: Victimization, perpetration, and bidirectional violence. Violence and Victims 28.1 (2013): 103-21. ProQuest. Web.

Insecurity is one of the trickiest relationship issues because it tends to create a self-perpetuating cycle. Insecure people frequently cling to their partners, which causes their partners to pull away, worsening the insecurity.

Feelings of insecurity often begin with family-of-origin issues or unhealthy early relationships. In many people, these experiences may interfere with their ability to choose good partners; some insecure people may choose partners who make the insecurity worse. There’s no quick fix for anxiety, and some people need therapy to move past anxiety in relationships, but there are several steps you can take to reduce it:

Determine the Cause

Not all insecurity is unwarranted. Objectively examine the behavior of your partner. Is he or she honest? Does he or she respond to your basic needs? Does he or she seem concerned about your feelings?
[fat_widget_right]

If you’re not getting what you need in your relationship, your insecurity might be the other person’s problem, not yours. But this doesn’t mean you can force your partner to fix it. If your partner refuses to meet reasonable emotional needs, you can either end the relationship or find other ways to meet your needs, perhaps by taking up a hobby, expanding your circle of friends, or finding fulfillment in your work.

Negotiate Relationship Rules

Every relationship serves as a sort of mini-government that establishes its own rules and standards of behavior. Something that’s OK in your relationship might not be OK in another person’s relationship.
Talk to your partner about how you want your relationship to function and how each of you can get your needs met. You might, for example, agree that you need a lot of verbal reassurance, while your partner benefits more from favors and nice gestures.

When insecurity is a chronic problem, you should talk openly and honestly about it so that your partner knows you might need extra reassurance. If you have a disagreement about what constitutes a fundamental need, you might need to get out of the relationship or find another way to meet your needs.

Avoid Mind Reading

No two people think exactly alike, and what might mean absolute rejection to you could just be an oversight or misstatement by your partner.
Mind reading can contribute to insecurity when you make assumptions about your partner’s thoughts rather than asking him or her about them. If you’re feeling unsure of something, express this to your partner and ask for clarification.

Quit the Comparison Game

Almost any relationship, no matter how troubled, can look perfect from the outside looking in. Don’t compare your relationship to other people’s relationships, and avoid comparing your current partner to past partners.
It’s easy to find your partner’s weaknesses and assume that he or she doesn’t love you, and when you compare relationships, you’re much less likely to compare your partner’s positive traits to other people’s negative traits. Accept your partner for who he or she is and work on your relationship where it is rather than aspiring to emulate a relationship that might not even be real.

Look for the Positive

Confirmation bias is a psychological phenomenon that causes people to look for evidence of what they already believe to be true. If you’re convinced that your partner doesn’t love you, you might see his or her failure to say he/she loves you on the phone as irrefutable evidence that love has died.
But when you look for confirmation of the positive aspects of your relationship, you’re also more likely to find these. Focus on your partner’s positive traits, and interpret ambiguous statements and actions as positively as possible. In minor cases of insecurity, this can be all it takes to move past anxiety.

References:

1. 20 ways to beat relationship insecurity. (n.d.). YourTango. Retrieved from http://www.yourtango.com/200948412/how-beat-relationship-insecurity
2. Cassidy, J., & Shaver, P. R. (1999). Handbook of attachment: Theory, research, and clinical applications. New York, NY: Guilford Press.

It’s a classic dynamic in nearly every relationship: One partner tends to be the more vocal, outwardly emotional communicator, while the other partner is stoic, bottled-up, and emotionally reserved. Sometimes, one partner can be both. When the communicator tries to get the bottle to open up, the result can be a tug of war that ends in criticism and distancing. In a recent article, licensed clinical social worker Terry Gaspard describes why the “pursuer-distancer” pattern can be lethal to your marriage. Gaspard says that even though the pursuer partners, usually women, have nothing but good intentions when they try to coerce their spouses to crack open their emotional vaults, they approach it the wrong way.

Harassing and nagging a reserved person to communicate will usually cause that person to close up more tightly. They can become avoidant, angry, defensive, and even hostile. The nagging partner will then escalate the nagging, maybe throwing in a little criticism as a negative motivator, all with the goal of creating a more intimate union with their spouse. Relationship expert Dr. John Gottman also warns against pushing your relationship into this downward spiral. He believes that gender differences are at the core of how partners communicate. He suggests that if communication issues are developing in a relationship, the couple should examine how they are addressing those issues before they find themselves in the pursuer-distancer­ vortex.

Gaspard notes that our culture is partly responsible for perpetuating this destructive dance. “The irony of the pursuer-distancer pattern is that it’s reinforced by popular self-help books and websites to save your marriage,” said Gaspard. Even therapists encourage their clients to develop healthy communication strategies. But without proper guidance, couples can enter into a dialogue without boundaries that can quickly take on a life of its own. Gaspard suggests that couples remain open with each other and think of communicating honestly as a way to share information with each other. Learning more about your partner’s feelings should be a pleasure, not a chore.

Reference:
Gaspard, Terry. (2013). How the pursuer-distancer pattern can destroy your marriage. (n.d.): n. pag. Huffington Post. Web. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/terry-gaspard-msw-licsw/how-the-pursuerdistancer-_b_2856533.html

remain relatively rare in the United States, but are a common cultural practice in many countries. As many as 55% of all marriages globally are arranged, most of them in South Asia, Africa, the Middle East, and Southeast Asia. Immigrants and children thereof are sometimes involved in marriages arranged by third parties in the United States. Although the practice remains controversial due to concerns such as freedom of choice and the oppression of women, abuse is not the norm in arranged marriages.

Many people willingly enter into arranged marriages, believing that their parents are well equipped to choose a lifelong partner for them. People in arranged marriages face many of the same issues as people who marry for love—communication, infidelity, the death of romance, fights about money, and different parenting philosophies—and sometimes seek counseling to resolve these issues. Therapists counseling clients involved in arranged marriages must be sensitive to cultural practices, and may need to take a closer look at some common issues in arranged marriages.

Cultural Awareness and Ethnocentrism
In a culture that focuses on marrying for love, it’s easy to look down on arranged marriages and to view them as products of force. But many people enter into arranged marriages of their own accord, and the low divorce rate among arranged marriages globally—between 4% and 6%—clashes greatly with the high divorce rate in the United States (around 50%). Therapists counseling couples involved in arranged marriages should suspend judgments and display respect for cultural practices, even if they disagree with them.

Premarital Counseling
Some people believe arranged marriage involves a couple meeting for the first time at their wedding, but many couples in arranged marriages know their spouses for years before getting married. However, they don’t typically live together and may not spend much time together prior to marriage. Some couples are introduced to each other by third parties but left to make the ultimate decision as to whether to pursue marriage. Premarital counseling can greatly benefit couples involved in arranged marriages and help them prepare for the stress of adapting to a shared life.

Values Within Marriage
Married couples come from all walks of life, and every couple has its unique set of values. Some couples may relish religious-based counseling, while others may struggle with establishing equality within marriage. Couples involved in arranged marriages may have a wide variety of values, and therapists should investigate the core beliefs of their clients early in the process. For some couples in arranged marriages, divorce may not be an option due to family values, beliefs about marriage, or a simple commitment to see the marriage through. Therapists should not make assumptions about marital values; for example, some couples within arranged marriages may highly value gender equality, while others might see separate roles for men and women as a fair approach that promotes marital harmony.

Abuse and Coercion
There are many happy arranged marriages, but abuse of women and coercion into marriage remain a sad legacy of some arranged marriage practices. In cultures where women are not treated as equals, women may be hesitant to report abuse, and may not even recognize abuse as a problem. Therapists should be prepared to intervene if they see signs of abuse and to educate both partners about steps they can take to end abusive behavior. Some abused partners may benefit from meeting with the therapist individually, as they may be hesitant to report abuse or other marital issues in the presence of a spouse. Consequently, therapists should consider meeting with each spouse individually from time to time.

Family Issues
In cultures that practice arranged marriages, families often play a central role in the relationship. Spouses may have conflicts with their in-laws or struggle to establish proper boundaries. Therapists should determine each spouse’s comfort level with family involvement before making recommendations. Some couples, for example, may welcome the input of parents or in-laws but need help determining how much input to accept or whether living with parents is an appropriate strategy. Others, however, may want to establish completely separate lives from their families and may need advice about how to establish boundaries and navigate conflicts.

References:

1. Delp, V. (2006, November 20). Lessons from an arranged marriage. Families.com. Retrieved from http://www.families.com/blog/lessons-from-an-arranged-marriage
2. Lee, J. H. (2013, January 20). Modern lessons from arranged marriages. The New York Times. Retrieved from http://www.nytimes.com/2013/01/20/fashion/weddings/parental-involvement-can-help-in-choosing-marriage-partners-experts-say.html?pagewanted=all
3. Pre-marital counseling. (n.d.). Between Us Relationship Helpline RSS. Retrieved from http://betweenus.bharatmatrimony.com/?p=263

Several years ago, sex advice columnist Dan Savage coined the term “monogamish” to refer to long-term committed relationships that bend the rules of monogamy with the consent of both parties. Since that time, he has published thousands of letters from people in monogamish relationships, thanking him for giving them permission to try an arrangement that works better for them.

Last year, Showtime began airing a reality show called Polyamory: Married and Dating, which takes a close look at the lives of polyamorous people. Polyamory is the practice of loving more than one person at a time. The show stars a polyamorous triad—three people in a committed, long-term relationship—and a polyamorous married couple who have serious committed relationships with people outside of their marriage.

Both Savage and the participants in the Showtime series have experienced some backlash for their advocacy of nontraditional relationships. But when nonmonogamous relationships are loving and consensual, participants in them believe they can strengthen marriages, serve individual needs, and increase intimacy. Unfortunately, people in these relationships often face immense stigma and even legal problems propelled by myths about nontraditional relationships.

Myth 1: Nonmonogamous relationships are a free-for-all.

People who cheat on their spouse are, technically speaking, not in a monogamous relationship. But when nonmonogamy is entered into openly and on a long-term basis, all partners typically obey a variety of rules. In Showtime’s show, the polyamorous triad navigates the consequences of one member breaking the rules, and the result is increased communication. Nonmonogamous relationships don’t work without rules, and often the discussion and renegotiation of these rules can contribute to deeper intimacy.

Myth 2: Nonmonogamy is an excuse to cheat.

By definition, nonmonogamy means that people don’t have sex with only one other partner. But this does not necessarily mean they can have sex with anyone. Successful nonmonogamous couples establish strong rules about what is and is not cheating, and frequently have veto power over who their partners sleep with. While it’s certainly possible for one partner to be pressured into nonmonogamy, these relationships generally don’t work unless both partners enter into the relationship willingly and lovingly.

Myth 3: Nonmonogamy is bad for children.

With the divorce rate in the United States hovering around 50% and the number of single parents rapidly increasing, most children see their parents involved in multiple romantic relationships over a lifetime. So long as children have consistency in their caregivers and are not subjected to an endless parade of people to whom they become attached and who then leave, nonmonogamy is not harmful. Nonmonogamy, after all, does not mean an abandonment of all social mores and norms, and nonmonogamous parents are just as capable of keeping their sex lives private as monogamous parents.

Myth 4: Nonmonogamy harms women.

Well-publicized cases of polygamy abuse are often the first things people think of when they consider nonmonogamous relationships. But modern nonmonogamous relationships are consensual for all parties. In these arrangements, it’s not just men who get to sleep with other people. Given that more women than men report being bisexual, nonmonogamy can provide a healthy sexual outlet for bisexual women who might not otherwise have such an outlet.

Myth 5: Nonmonogamy harms marriages.

Many people involved in monogamish relationships have been married for decades. When one partner’s desire wanes, nonmonogamy can provide a sexual outlet that sustains the marriage. Because nonmonogamy must be carefully negotiated and constantly reevaluated, these arrangements can bring married couples closer together and encourage open, honest dialogue. Sleeping with other people also does not have to compromise the marital bond. Married couples sometimes have sex with friends periodically while still sustaining their primary commitment to their spouses.

References:

1. Polyamory. (n.d.). Alternatives to Marriage Project. Retrieved from http://www.unmarried.org/polyamory.html
2. Savage, D. (n.d.). Monogamish couples share their stories. Washington City Paper. Retrieved from http://www.washingtoncitypaper.com/articles/42014/savage-love-monogamish-couples-share-their-stories/

Are you a “beaten dog”? Rest assured, I’m not calling anyone names here. But have you been kicked around, treated like nothing, and hurt? Do you not feel loved unless you are treated badly? This is what I mean when I say “beaten dog.” If you are offended, maybe some truth is staring you in the face. If you are not offended, I’m glad—and while this may not apply to you, perhaps it does apply to someone you know.

If it does apply to you and you can see how this role has affected your life, I want to apologize. No one should feel beaten, abused, and treated so poorly that he or she feels unworthy and believes life is cruel. I hope you seek help in breaking this mind-set and take hold of the reality that you ARE worthy!

Some questions you can ask yourself:

1. When someone is nice to me, do I question it? Do I question that the niceness is sincere?
2. When things are calm and smooth, do I need to throw a fit so that I can verify that I am loved via being yelled at?
3. Do I want or tend to take advantage of a person’s niceness because I believe I can?
4. Do I pick negative, hurtful people to be around?
5. Am I envious of others who are in healthy relationships?
6. Do I want a healthier relationship but believe I can’t have one?
7. Do I believe that this is how things will be for the rest of my life and that nothing—not even me—can change?

To change a self-belief statement or self-perception, admitting the need to change is a must. If you change for someone else, the change may not last long. Identifying how you respond to the above questions is key. Looking at ourselves can be a difficult and painful challenge, but it is where healing begins.

A self-belief statement can be defined as how you view who you are, how your “world” is, and how things (positive or negative) happen/happened to you. When someone is brought up in a negative, abusive, and painful environment, a negative self-belief is formed. The self-belief statement can be changed, but it can be difficult and takes time.

To change a negative self-belief statement:

1. Identify and be aware of your negative self-belief statement. As Dr. Phil says, you can’t change what you don’t acknowledge.
2. Self-examine your thoughts and mind-set, and take responsibility for why your belief statement is negative.
3. Acknowledge what you can and can’t change. Example: You can’t change what happened to you growing up, but you can change how you respond and whether the past controls you.
4. Grieve. You lost out on a healthier childhood, the unspoken expectation that the adults in your life would be there to help you grow. Let go of the pain. Mourn. Cry.
5. Forgive. It’s a hard thing to do. Forgiveness is for YOU, not for them. To lose the power that the past has over you, forgiveness is key. Forgive shortcomings, failures, pain, whatever. Let go. Forgive yourself for not being perfect. When you forgive, you’ll feel less weight on your shoulders and be able to move on a little easier. Forgiveness is a part of a cleansing process, allowing healing to begin.
6. Redefine yourself—who you want to be, how you want to be, the type of people you want to be around, etc. Your personality may not totally change, but you can choose to be happier, to not let the same roadblocks stand in your way, and to have healthier relationships. You can choose to be a person who is not going to allow yourself to be kicked around anymore. Find what is good in your life; maximize those things while minimizing your weaknesses.
7. Be at peace with yourself. Self-acceptance is a great accomplishment. No one can do this for you. When you love and accept you, other people will see that and be drawn to it. Self-acceptance allows your inner beauty to shine.

This is a process. It’s not always easy. Personal growth is not a straight journey. It has lumps, bumps, breaks, and is topsy-turvy. But if you are moving toward health, you will get there.

Recent research continues to support the connection between shyness and relationship challenges, with studies showing that shyness is “negatively associated with concurrent marital satisfaction” and linked to “declines in marital satisfaction” over time. While shyness may seem like a minor personality trait, emerging evidence suggests it can significantly impact romantic relationships and overall partnership satisfaction.

According to a landmark study by Sarah L. Tackett of the School of Family Life at Brigham Young University, shyness can indeed affect relationship dynamics. Her research examined how shyness affected self-esteem and relationship satisfaction in a sample of 14,807 romantic couples. While this foundational research from 2013 provided important insights, more recent studies have expanded our understanding of how personality traits like shyness influence romantic partnerships.

For the study, Tackett asked each partner to rate the other on levels of shyness. Then, each partner was to rate their own shyness and self-esteem. Finally, each partner was asked to rate their overall level of relationship satisfaction.

The results revealed that perceived shyness of one partner was directly predictive of that same partner’s low self-esteem and low relationship satisfaction. In other words, if a husband saw his wife as shy, the wife reported low levels of self-esteem and satisfaction with the relationship. The same pattern emerged when women perceived their partners as shy.

More recent research from 2021-2023 confirms these findings, showing that “shyness is negatively correlated with self-esteem” and that shy individuals often struggle with self-presentation, which can impact relationship dynamics. A comprehensive study of 1,020 women found that “shyness turned out to be negatively correlated with global self-esteem” and showed negative correlations with personal power, lovability, and relationship competencies.

These results show that shyness can create a path for unhappy relationships. Researchers believe there are many reasons for this trajectory:

Communication Challenges: Perhaps shy individuals are uncomfortable voicing their opinions and find it easier to accept an unsatisfying relationship than to pursue a new, more rewarding one. Recent studies confirm that “trait introversion was significantly associated with communication apprehension, including group discussion, meetings, and interpersonal” communication.

Self-Esteem Impact: It’s important to distinguish between normal shyness and social anxiety disorder, which “usually starts during childhood or adolescence and may resemble extreme shyness” but requires professional attention.

Limited Shared Experiences: When couples can engage in activities together, they can share the joy of those experiences. If one partner is introverted

Current research indicates that shyness “correlates with defensive styles of self-presentation” and “implies lower relationship satisfaction,” supporting the original study’s conclusions. However, newer studies also show that “individuals who had secure relationship attachments realized a buffering effect between shyness and well-being,” suggesting that “relationships can both minimize and maximize the negative effects of shyness”.

The research sheds light on some of the challenges couples with differing personality styles may face, but also points toward solutions. Recent therapeutic research shows that “integrative behavioral couple therapy (IBCT)” can help “improve constructive communication patterns and mitigate destructive ones in couples,” particularly benefiting “dyadic cohesion, affection, dyadic satisfaction, and dyadic consensus”.

For couples dealing with shyness-related relationship challenges, it’s important to understand that personality traits like shyness exist on a spectrum and can be addressed through therapy and communication strategies. Professional support can help partners understand each other’s needs and develop effective coping strategies.

*This information is not intended as a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition.*

Tackett, Sarah L.; Nelson, Larry J.; and Busby, Dean M. Shyness and relationship satisfaction: Evaluating the associations between shyness, self-esteem, and relationship satisfaction in couples. American Journal of Family Therapy. Jan/Feb2013, Vol. 41 Issue 1, p34-45. 12p. 1 Diagram, 1 Chart. DOI: 10.1080/01926187.2011.641864.

References:

1. Tackett, Sarah L.; Nelson, Larry J.; and Busby, Dean M. Shyness and relationship satisfaction: Evaluating the associations between shyness, self-esteem, and relationship satisfaction in couples. American Journal of Family Therapy. Jan/Feb2013, Vol. 41 Issue 1, p34-45. 12p. 1 Diagram, 1 Chart. DOI: 10.1080/01926187.2011.641864.
2. Baker, L., & McNulty, J. K. (2010). Shyness and marriage: Does shyness shape even established relationships? Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 98(6), 1048-1066. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/20363900/
3. Battle, N., & White, G. (2024). Intimate Introverts: Influence of Introversion on Self-Disclosure and Emotional Intimacy in Close Friendships. Journal of Mental Health and Social Behavior, 6(1), 188. https://gexinonline.com/uploads/articles/article-jmhsb-188.pdf
4. Bober, A., Gajewska, E., Czaprowska, A., Świątek, A. H., & Szcześniak, M. (2022). Impact of Shyness on Self-Esteem: The Mediating Effect of Self-Presentation. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 19(1), 230. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8744881/
5. Mandal, E. (2023). Shyness and self-esteem in women. The role of likeability, personal power, lovability, and self-worth conditioned by others’ approval. Current Issues in Personality Psychology, 11(4), 310–318. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10699290/
6. National Institute of Mental Health. (2024). Social Anxiety Disorder: What You Need to Know. U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/social-anxiety-disorder-more-than-just-shyness
7. Rowsell, H. C., & Coplan, R. J. (2013). Exploring links between shyness, romantic relationship quality, and well-being. Canadian Journal of Behavioural Science, 45(4), 287-295.
8. Tackett, S. L., Nelson, L. J., & Busby, D. M. (2013). Shyness and relationship satisfaction: Evaluating the associations between shyness, self-esteem, and relationship satisfaction in couples. American Journal of Family Therapy, 41(1), 34-45.
9. Research team. (2023). Effects of integrative behavioral couple therapy on communication patterns and marital adjustment. Journal of Education and Health Promotion, 13, 280. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC11414875/

Marriage counseling can save your marriage, prepare you for the stress of a baby, help you communicate more effectively, and get you on track for a lifetime of love. But when marriage counseling doesn’t work, it’s like throwing away money. This can make marriage problems even worse; studies show that many couples tend to fight often about money, and the false hope given by bad marital therapy can lead to despair and increased conflict.

If you need help in your relationship, it’s usually not enough to pick the first therapist you find online or on your insurance plan. Not every marriage counselor works well for every couple, and couples seeking help need to find someone who works for their specific situation.

Reputation and Recommendations
Recommendations from friends and other people you trust can be a great starting point for finding a therapist. If you’ve noticed meaningful change in someone else’s relationship, the odds are good that his or her therapist is doing something right.

If you can’t rely on recommendations from friends, read online reviews and check out discipline records with licensing boards. A therapist with a stellar reputation—particularly one who has been in practice for several years—is likely one who has a long history of helping couples wade through difficulties.

Shared Values
Marriage counselors each have their own approach to marriage. Some draw on biblical principles, while others are influenced by feminism and humanism. You don’t need to agree with your therapist about everything, but you do need a therapist who shares your core values.

If you and your spouse are struggling to build an egalitarian relationship in which you share chores, you need a therapist who recognizes this goal as important and who has helped similar couples. If you’re deeply religious, you need someone who understands the important role faith plays in your marriage. If you start therapy and your counselor makes a recommendation that runs counter to your core values, find someone else.

Strategy
A therapist isn’t a paid friend. And while marriage counselors can serve as referees and mediators, this should not be their only role. Your therapist should have a specific strategy for helping you move past marital issues.

Ask your therapist how he or she wants to proceed with treatment, and if there’s a specific therapeutic modality he or she uses. After you’re in therapy, if you don’t feel like the therapist takes control and directs the session, it may not be a good fit.

In therapy, many people want results without having to make lifestyle changes. If your therapist doesn’t call you on problematic behaviors or make suggestions about what you can do at home in between therapy sessions, he or she might not be proactive enough to help you navigate the storms of marriage.

Results
After you’re in counseling, the key measure of success is results. Your marriage won’t be changed after one session or even five, but if you’re slogging out your differences in therapy week after week with no change, it’s time to move on.

Some people get stuck with an ineffective therapist because they like the therapist or because they’re not carefully monitoring results. But good counseling works, and if you don’t notice changes within a few months, find someone else.

Questions to Ask
A good therapist will happily answer your questions, so if you struggle to get information, this is a glaring red flag. Some questions to consider asking in your first few sessions include:

• How long have you been in practice?
• How do you define success? How will we know we’re making progress?
• How long can we expect to be in therapy?
• How much of your practice is devoted to marriage counseling?
• What is your background and training?
• Do you think divorce is ever an option? Would you ever recommend divorce?

References:

1. Harley, W. F., Jr. (n.d.). How to find a good marriage counselor. Marriage Builders. Retrieved from http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7100_counselor.html
2. Meineke, S. A. (n.d.). How to choose a marriage counselor. Center for Marriage. Retrieved from http://www.centerformarriage.com/how_to_choose_marriage_counselor.html
3. Questions to ask a marriage therapist. (n.d.). The National Registry of Marriage Friendly Therapists. Retrieved from http://www.marriagefriendlytherapists.com/questionstoaskatherapist.php

Ask any armchair psychologist whether men or women are more sexual, and you’ll likely get an absolute proclamation that men are more visual, think about sex more often, and have more partners. These “facts” play into cultural mythology, that ties manhood to sexuality, and treats women as the fairer, less sexual sex. But research is increasingly showing that the things we all think we know about men and sex just aren’t true.

[fat_widget_right]

Thinking About Sex

Many of us have heard the claim that men think about sex every seven seconds or every 15 seconds. But this statistic may be little more than a myth. A 2011 study found that men think about sex, on average, only 18 times a day—several thousand times less frequently than popular statistics claim. In fact, men think about sex only slightly more than they think about sleep, which crosses their mind 11 times a day, and as frequently as food, which also makes an appearance in their thoughts 18 times a day. But, according to the study, men still tend to think about sex more frequently than women. The women in the study thought about sex about 10 times a day, with individual numbers ranging from zero to 140 times daily. Individual men, by contrast, thought about sex between zero and 388 times each day.

Number of Sexual Partners

Men tend to claim more sexual partners than women, but upon careful examination, statistics on the lifetime average number of partners fall apart. Unless more men than women are gay or are having sex with a few of the same very sexually active women who aren’t represented in surveys, the averages for men and women can’t differ so dramatically. Several studies have shown that men are more likely to inflate their number of partners, while women are more likely to shave a few off the top.

Desire for Adventure

One famous study asked men and women if they’d be willing to sleep with an attractive stranger. A large portion of men said yes, while few of the women did. This study is often used to support the idea that men crave multiple sexual partners or new sexual experiences. But studies that ask men their desires don’t measure actual behavior. Men may say that they’re willing to sleep with an attractive stranger simply because this is the cultural expectation. Women may be hesitant to say that they’d have sex with a stranger because they don’t want to be perceived as promiscuous.

Are Men More Visual?

We’ve all heard that men are more visual than women, and this is used as justification for everything from looking at porn to ogling strangers. While most research does show that men are more visually stimulated than women, the interpretation of this data is much more complicated than it seems. One 2008 study, for example, emphasizes that sociological factors play a strong role in men’s visual stimulation. Men are taught from an early age to emphasize physical appearance, and the same study found that men tend to be more aroused by contexts in which they can objectify another person—a tendency that is probably learned.

Sex and Masculinity

Myths about men’s sexuality tend to stick around because they make sense in light of social roles and gender ideology. Although women are becoming increasingly sexually assertive, sexuality in women is still less acceptable than men, and women are often taught to feel some shame about sex; this can affect what they report to researchers and whether they share sexual thoughts. Sex-based myths can make women feel that sexual feelings are deviant and abnormal, and can support puritanical ideas about women and sex. But men are also harmed. Men who don’t meet masculine ideals by being hypersexual or craving multiple partners can feel less manly, while men who want a healthy sexual relationship with a single partner may feel pressure to engage in promiscuous or objectifying behavior.

References:

1. Jordan-Young, R. M. (2010). Brain storm: The flaws in the science of sex differences. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press.
2. Kolata, G. (2007, August 12). The myth, the math, the sex. The New York Times. Retrieved from http://www.nytimes.com/2007/08/12/weekinreview/12kolata.html
3. Men more willing to have sex with stranger than females: Study. (2011, September 04). Indian Express. Retrieved from http://www.indianexpress.com/news/men-more-willing-to-have-sex-with-stranger-than-females-study/841459
4. Men think about sex just 19 times a day – nearly as much as food. (2011, November 29). The Telegraph. Retrieved from www.telegraph.co.uk/health/healthnews/8924988/Men-think-about-sex-just-19-times-a-day-nearly-as-much-as-food.html
5. Rupp, H. A., & Wallen, K. (2008). Sex Differences in Response to Visual Sexual Stimuli: A Review. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 37(2), 206-218. doi: 10.1007/s10508-007-9217-9

People who have social anxiety (SAD) may find it difficult to interact with others. They may become overwhelmed with feelings of anxiety when they are in crowds or around people they do not know. But how does SAD affect interpersonal relationships, and in particular friendships? Thomas L. Rodebaugh of Washington University in Saint Louis, Missouri was curious to see how the constraints of anxiety spill over into personal relationships. Warmth, reciprocity, and genuine interest in another are at the core of all close friendships. If these elements are impaired they could significantly damage the relationship.

Rodebaugh led a study that involved 27 participants with generalized SAD and 23 with no history of anxiety. The participants were presented with a simulated social dilemma that required they make decisions and interact with a hypothetical friend. The results revealed that the SAD participants were less giving and less willing to participate in the task than the non-SAD participants. The lower level of giving resulted in increases in coldness as well. This result provides a clue as to why SAD may erode even close friendships.

If people are unable to convey warmth and return feelings of genuine interest to others, those around them, even close friends, may perceive that behavior as distant, callous, or uncaring. “Potential or current friends may interpret lower warmth as indicating coldness or lack of interest, both of which may reduce the likelihood that they will continue such interactions,” said Rodebaugh. This explains the pathway through which anxiety can erode friendships. Rodebaugh believes that people with SAD do not intend to alienate their friends but rather are unable to convey closeness because of their heightened anxiety. Most approaches aimed at reducing anxiety do not address interpersonal interactions. Rodebaugh believes that efforts designed to teach people with SAD how to display warmth and caring may serve to strengthen those relationships that are most important to them.

Reference:
Rodebaugh, T. L., Shumaker, E. A., Levinson, C. A., Fernandez, K. C., Langer, J. K., Lim, M. H., and Yarkoni, T. (2012). Interpersonal constraint conferred by generalized social anxiety disorder is evident on a behavioral economics task. Journal of Abnormal Psychology. Advance online publication. doi: 10.1037/a0030975

I watch Lifetime movies. Yes, I help people get their lives back on the “straight and narrow” and be healthier with themselves, their emotions, and their relationships, but I still like to indulge Lifetime movies. That feels good to write!

The Pregnancy Pact is about girls who become pregnant. The issue makes the news, and a reporter tries to not just get the story but to also increase awareness about teen pregnancy. I recommend checking out Lifetime for the rest of the story.

The issue that I want to present today is parents’ responsibility to speak with their children about safe sex—abstinence, using condoms (if they do decide to have sex), and sexual health—and not just leave it to the schools.

It can be a scary thing to talk to your children about sex, but the reality is that they are going to ask because they are curious about their bodies and what they see on television. They don’t want to know that they shouldn’t have sex; they want to know why they should not have sex at a particular age. As a parent, it is part of your job to teach your kids about sexual health. I believe you get the picture.

There is a lot to think about, and no parent is ever truly “ready” to talk with a child about the “birds and the bees,” but again, it’s a necessity—and your child may, in fact, ask you. Of course, they will go to their friends, but they’ll come away with a lot of misinformation. You will give them the facts and help them make a healthy, well-informed decision. Yes, the child may still go out and have sex, but when he or she is informed with the pros/cons, the facts, etc., he or she can make a wiser choice.

When to Start
It’s best to start at a young age. My son will be 2 years old next month. At bath time, I show him how to clean himself, and he does a pretty good job. The other day, we had a conversation about him and Daddy having a penis, but not Mommy. That was it. I also said that only Mommy, Daddy, and a doctor would be able to see it, if needed. In the bath, we talk briefly about making sure our bodies are clean head to toe, and that’s one way to take care of our bodies.

[fat_widget_right]

If your child is older, it might be good to ask what he or she knows about taking care of his or her body. This is part of sexual health, self-respect, and beginning to set healthy boundaries. Our bodies are important, and we need to keep them as healthy as possible.

What to Share
If the child is older, ask what he or she knows first, or what kids are talking about at school. Ask if peers are talking about who’s having sex, if there’s pressure, etc. This will help in pointing you in the best direction to help your child. Of course, if your child is in a sex-education class, and you have waited that long, use it to open up the discussion.

Be calm. Listen to what your child is saying. Observe how he/she is responding to your questions, the looks on his or her face. You need to know what he or she knows and what you will need to correct it, if the information is wrong. Try to limit your responses so that your child does not give you the glazed look on his or her face when you have said way too much or he or she is not interested anymore.

Share Your Beliefs
I grew up in church and was raised to not have sex before marriage. I grew up knowing what the Bible says about premarital sex, what my parents expected of me, and these things helped me develop my beliefs and standards about who I give my body to (or not). It also taught me to keep my kisses for people who are going to respect me and not just what I can give them.

That is definitely an important aspect of sexual health: teaching your child that his or her virginity is important, and whom they choose to have sex with may either take it or nurture it. Kids need to know that when they have sex, they need to make sure that the person receiving their virginity will protect it, respect it, and not take advantage of it.

I am not trying to stand on a soap box or anything like that, but the reality is that kids are having sex—a lot more than statistics will probably show, and sex is not to be used for random wants. Oral sex is often not perceived as “sex,” but it still involves the giving of oneself. There are feelings involved, even with a one-night stand. Whether you go to church or not, you have your own morality about sex, and all parents want their children to make healthier decisions than they did.

How Each Parent Can Help

• Dads: You can help demonstrate to your sons and daughters about how a girl/woman should be treated. You can share how you would like your daughter to be treated by how you treat your wife. Again, not on a soap box, but our children learn from us—verbal communication and nonverbal. You can share with your daughter the lines that boys may say to get into her pants: “If you love me …” “I love you.” “We can go slow.” And so on. You can also help your daughter to be confident in herself; treat her with respect. Tell her how much she means to you, and what type of guy you would like her to find. You can also help your boys to show respect to women—more than just opening doors for them, but demonstrating respect in speaking to them, etc. You are as valuable as your spouse, and you can give insight regarding men because you are one!
• Moms: You can help demonstrate to your sons and daughters how to treat a man. You can share with your sons what girls are like, how they can be, what type of girl they should be with, how to help with communication, how self-respect is important, and how to set healthy personal boundaries.

There are many more points that can be discussed on this particular topic. I wanted to highlight that it is the parents’ job to help teach children about sexual health, potential diseases, and all that encompasses choosing to have sex. Sex-education classes alone may not be enough.

As a parent, you are very important in your child’s life, even if he or she is not going to admit that. Keep the discussion about sex open with your child. Keep listening. Give the facts. Be there.