Last month we looked at why it’s important to let ourselves “wallow” in our feelings; it helps us know ourselves better and get over difficult patches faster. It also helps us to reintegrate the parts of us that had to be cut off in order not to hurt so much. Once we’re whole, we can enjoy the self-esteem that comes from knowing and respecting ourselves.

As a therapist, I often hear variations on the following from clients: “I’m sick to death of wallowing in my feelings. How do I let this go and move forward?”

Have you ever had a similar thought? Has it ever seemed to you that if you could just handle your emotions better, you wouldn’t feel so bad?

Do you sometimes consciously let yourself wallow, only to find you just feel worse? If so, you may not be wallowing constructively. Truly constructive wallowing always leads to relief.

The hardest part of wallowing is the part after the initial “w”: the allowing.

When you say you’re “wallowing,” are you allowing yourself to truly and simply just have your feelings? Are you avoiding self-criticism – avoiding kicking yourself when you’re already down?

Here are some behaviors that torpedo the healing power of wallowing:

• You set a timer, either literally or in your head, after which you think you should be done.
• You dislike yourself while doing it.
• You ruminate, turning thoughts about the problem over and over in your mind, instead of simply feeling.
• You try to figure out whether your feelings are justified.
• You act out your pain through destructive behaviors that only leave you feeling worse.

If you are wallowing constructively, you will feel better afterward. When your unedited, no-need-for-justification feelings are allowed to be inside you without interference, they will move through you smoothly of their own accord.

What a lot of people call wallowing is really either distraction or rumination.

Distraction comes in the form of using substances like food or alcohol or drugs, or performing obsessive behaviors like exercising or worrying, having sex, shopping, cutting, reading, or even doing housework instead of sitting with your feelings and tolerating them.

Whenever we “do” instead of “be,” we run the risk of shutting the door on feelings that need us to listen to them. Sitting with, and witnessing feelings is the only constructive way to wallow.

Rumination is a kind of repetitive thinking. Instead of having our feelings about something, we think about the situation, the other person or people involved, what happened or didn’t happen, etc. in an effort to make sense of, or talk ourselves out of our feelings – instead of just having them.

We turn the situation over and over again in our minds, concocting plans designed to shield us from further harm; the problem is, we haven’t acknowledge the actual harm done so far.

True wallowing, which is constructive and healing, is what’s left after we remove all distractions and all obsessive behaviors, and all rumination in our minds. There is nothing left but to feel our feelings in our hearts. To tolerate them patiently. And to do so with compassion for ourselves, rather than judgment.

If you have a big backlog of uncomfortable feelings to feel, it will take longer for them to dissipate. Have patience with yourself during this process. You may experience waves of uncomfortable feelings off and on over time. This is normal when you have a backlog of  feelings you haven’t felt yet. Embrace each feeling in your heart as it presents itself, and know you’re doing something positive for yourself.

It might seem absurd or counterintuitive to think of a two-person relationship as consisting of three parts. So why would someone suggest you consider it?

Developing a coherent sense of self and establishing a long-term relationship are two developmental tasks during emerging adulthood, and these dual needs continue throughout our lives. Think of your relationship like a three-legged table, where each leg must be strong: you, your partner, and your relationship with each other. To bloom a truly happy partnership with lasting strength, each piece is an integral part of the equation. If one person absorbs too much energy, the other gets left out. If not enough attention is paid to the relationship itself, your partnership suffers. Take away one piece, neglect one part, and you have a wobbly table.

A positive sign of marriage identity is when both partners maintain their individual interests, hobbies, and friendships while also valuing and prioritizing time spent together. This balance allows for personal growth and a strong couple bond.

Meeting Each Other’s Needs

Many people believe that the only thing they can work on in their relationship is their partner’s happiness. The problem with looking at relationships this way is that the person trying to make sure their mate is doing well runs the risk of neglecting themselves. This person may be sacrificing what they want or need in the relationship so their partner will feel good.

That might work for a while, but eventually the person doing all the giving can run out of energy and feel exhausted and depleted. If the pattern continues, those feelings can turn into anger and resentment. If one partner feels like they are the giver and don’t receive anything in return, they can end up feeling used and alone.

Researchers describe this balancing act as “risk regulation”: we weigh our desire for closeness against our fear of rejection, and it is confidence in a partner’s care and positive regard that makes it feel safe to depend on them. In couples work, an early warning sign that this balance has tipped is “relational accounting”—keeping score of who has done what for whom. Once partners are tallying contributions, the assumption of good faith between them has usually already begun to erode.

The receiver of this energy doesn’t get their needs met either, they may be happy for a while, but this constant state of receiving can become tiresome, too. There is no room for real bonding between the two because their positions are not equal. There is imbalance in the relationship. Balance is essential in a healthy relationship because both partners have individual needs, desires, and aspirations that must be acknowledged and met to sustain personal well-being.

Meeting Your Own Needs

I recommend that each person learn about themselves as individuals as an important part of improving their relationship. Part of self-knowledge is understanding what makes you happy. Do you know what makes you feel happy and fulfilled? If you think that being loved by your partner is all you need, that is not the answer I’m looking for. Your answer though, could be something like this: “I love to spend time working in the garden, and I like to volunteer my time with the humane society.” These are endeavors that could make a person feel whole and worthwhile. What about your job? Some people find their happiness through their profession—maybe this is your source of enrichment. By working to understand yourself as an individual, you will learn what you need to make your leg of the table strong.

Self-care means taking the time to do things that help you live well and improve both your physical health and mental health. Self-care ensures you have the emotional and physical energy for yourself and others. Balancing caregiving with self-care improves the overall quality of your life and the health of your relationship.

When we as individuals have attained knowledge about ourselves, we are in a better position to stay in balance. Knowing what makes you happy is the best contribution you can make to your relationship. When you understand yourself and you know how to keep yourself in a good state, you will be a contributing member to the relationship. Without this knowledge, you may depend on your partner to provide you your happiness—and that can lead to problems. If a couple places too much emphasis on the relationship, one or both partners may feel suffocated, lose a sense of individuality, or sacrifice personal goals. On the other hand, if individual needs consistently take precedence, the relationship itself may weaken, leading to emotional distance, resentment, or a loss of intimacy.

When both people know themselves, they can spend time understanding their partners. When we learn what our mate loves, likes, wishes for, and enjoys, we become more adept at providing it to them. The Gottman Method calls this kind of ongoing curiosity building “Love Maps”—an intentional exploration of what makes your partner tick, what they worry about, and what they hope for. And when something is unclear, ask rather than assume: psychologist Carol Dweck describes hearing her husband say he “needed space” and, instead of interpreting it as distance, asking what he meant—he simply wanted to reposition his arm.

Meeting the Needs of Your Relationship

Building the relationship together is like solidifying the last leg of the table. What are your combined values, goals and dreams? What do the two of you as a unit stand for? What is your “mission statement?” In the Gottman Method, this is the work of “creating shared meaning”—the top level of the Sound Relationship House—where a couple names what is fun, uplifting, and purposeful about their life together and actively supports each other’s dreams.

Relationship researchers have a name for this sense of shared identity: “we-ness.” Across decades of studies, couples with a stronger sense of we-ness report greater satisfaction with, and commitment to, their relationship. Couples with a strong shared identity often refer to themselves as “we” or “us,” indicating a strong sense of being a team. They also likely use positive and affirming language when speaking to and about each other.

You have a chance to create something unique to the two of you. Understanding all the pieces of your three-legged table gives you the best opportunity to build a healthy, lasting relationship. Tending to this third leg may even pay physical dividends. In a 2022 study published in the Annals of Behavioral Medicine, couples who were more satisfied with their relationship also ate, slept, and exercised together more often—and both the satisfaction and the shared routines predicted better self-rated health and fewer depressive symptoms.

Please note: This article is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding your mental health or relationships.

Find a therapist who can help you balance your individual and relationship needs.

References:

1. Auger, E., Thai, S., Birnie-Porter, C., & Lydon, J. E. (2025). On creating deeper relationship bonds: Felt understanding enhances relationship identification. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 128(3), 907-942. https://doi.org/10.1177/01461672241233419
2. Canevello, A., & Crocker, J. (2010). Creating good relationships: Responsiveness, relationship quality, and interpersonal goals. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 99(1), 78-106. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0018186
3. Cruwys, T., South, E. I., Halford, W. K., Murray, J. A., & Fladerer, M. P. (2023). Measuring “we‐ness” in couple relationships: A social identity approach. Family Process, 62, 795–817. https://doi.org/10.1111/famp.12811
4. Dover, C. R., Serrano, C., López-Madrigal, C., García-Manglano, J., & Willoughby, B. J. (2024). Relational identity and relationship functioning in emerging adulthood: A brief report. Emerging Adulthood, 12(2), 245-253. https://doi.org/10.1177/21676968241234953
5. McLean Hospital. (2024). How relationships impact mental health—and vice versa. https://www.mcleanhospital.org/essential/relationships
6. Meridian Counseling. (2024). Balancing individual and relationship needs for long-term happiness. https://www.meridian-counseling.com/blog/how-to-balance-individual-and-relationship-needs-for-a-happier-relationship
7. Murray, S. L., Holmes, J. G., & Collins, N. L. (2006). Optimizing assurance: The risk regulation system in relationships. Psychological Bulletin, 132(5), 641-666. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.132.5.641
8. National Institute of Mental Health. (2024). Caring for your mental health. U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/caring-for-your-mental-health
9. Travers, M. (2024, May 31). 3 signs that a couple’s connection is bulletproof. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/social-instincts/202405/3-signs-that-your-marriage-identity-is-bulletproof
10. Wilson, S. J., Stadler, G., Milek, A., Kamarck, T. W., Otero, M. C., & Novak, S. A. (2022). The implications of being “in it together”: Relationship satisfaction and joint health behaviors predict better health and stronger concordance between partners. Annals of Behavioral Medicine, 56(12), 1259-1273. https://doi.org/10.1093/abm/kaac043

What do you do when you feel bad? You may clean your house, take a walk, or binge on sweet or salty foods depending on who you are and what habits you’ve developed. Does whatever you do make those bad feelings go away? If so, for how long?

Your feelings – good, bad, or ugly – represent your reactions to experiences. When you disown feelings, you disown yourself. This hurts your self-esteem. Let’s take a closer look at why.

By definition, you can not esteem someone who you are unfamiliar with. Self-esteem requires some knowledge of who you are and what you’re about. In other words, to have healthy self-esteem, you need a measure of self-knowledge. The more aspects of yourself you are aware of, the better you know yourself.

When we try to avoid to feeling the way we actually do,we are performing a kind of psychological gymnastics. We are maneuvering around inside ourselves in an attempt to distance ourselves from the pain. Cutting ourselves off from the pain rejects the part of us that is feeling pain. It’s a sacrifice similar to cutting off a leg caught in a trap in order to save the rest of our body.

Nobody wants to feel badly, which is why we try so hard to feel happy most of the time. When we can’t avoid feeling unhappy, we often try to contain any damage by “getting over it” quickly, or trying to talk ourselves out of an underlying feeling of loss. Some common examples are:

• “He was no good for me anyway.”
• “I should be glad I still have my health.”
• “She’s in a better place now.”

This is adaptive behavior that attempts to minimize emotional pain. Unfortunately, such attempts sometimes succeed too well in the long term. We isolate our hurt selves. We become fragmented in the process and keep ourselves from the healing we need.

At a deep level, we are aware of this banishment of our hurting selves. We know that we’re keeping something from ourselves. This knowledge itself must be hidden. Losing connection with the pain worsens as we lose trust in ourselves. There are too many secrets. We might even have lost self-respect because of what we dimly perceive as a lack of courage. We are afraid to repair the rift and invite all those suppressed feelings back into our awareness.

Feeling separated from ourselves erodes self-esteem, just as a collection of “No Trespassing” and “Keep Out” signs might erode the goodwill of one’s neighbors. Self-esteem requires that we embrace every aspect of ourselves. We need self-awareness and self-acceptance to feel whole. What many call “wallowing” is an opportunity for both awareness and acceptance of ourselves. Constructive wallowing is not for the weak or the idle. It takes courage and fortitude.

True wallowing is not like sinking into a warm bath; it’s more like getting a bikini wax. If you want the smooth results, you’ve got to endure the uncomfortable process. Just as it’s said that there’s a price for beauty, there is also a price for self-esteem. If it were easy to come by, more of us would have it. The price of self-esteem is full awareness and a willing embrace of our emotional pain.

Only by fully experiencing our pain can we reunite with the cut-off parts of ourselves that carry our deepest hurts. Through allowing ourselves to have our true feelings without self-criticism, we can know our whole selves and experience the courage of our intent to be who we are. This is the essence of self-esteem.

“It feels heavy right here,” Rebecca* said, crying and touching her chest, “like a huge rock is sitting on me. It’s like that old cartoon, where a boulder would fall off a cliff and pin the roadrunner to the ground—it feels like I can’t move.”  Rebecca, a 32 year-old successful marketing professional whose older sister had recently been diagnosed with a psychotic condition, had come to see me last year. She seemed lost in grief. Fluctuating bewilderment, sadness, fear, anger, tenderness, and love were tying knots in every part of her.

I thought that untying some of the knots in her body, with the help of mindfulness practices, might help her begin to lift the boulder.

Growing up, Rebecca’s sister had provided unconditional loving support which protected Rebecca from demanding, neglectful, and painfully critical parents. She had always relied on her sister to guide and comfort her; they had always been best friends. She said that now it felt like she was standing at the edge of the ocean, watching her sister sit on a raft drifting out to sea. She had been crying uncontrollably off and on for days. What made things even harder was that her sister sometimes acted like her old self, then became delusional again. Rebecca’s emotions were rising and crashing along with her sister’s state of mind.

Mindfulness of the Body: Body Scanning and Stretching

The first foundation of mindfulness is mindfulness of the body. It is cultivated with body scanning and movement practices, like yoga and walking meditation, anchored in feeling the sensations of breathing. A body scan involves directing one’s attention to different areas, one at a time, and focusing on the sensations in each place. A scan can begin with feeling the moisture on one’s skin, sensations of warmth or coolness, pressure or tingling. Then we scan the interior of the body, noting muscle tightness or ease near the surface and going deeper, where emotions express themselves as inner physical sensations.

Building brief body scans into a sustained stretch can begin to soften tight muscles—created from strong emotions—and release the mind from thinking for a while.

Prior to entering therapy, Rebecca had taken an 8-week course in Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) from me. MBSR is based on the work of Jon Kabat-Zinn at the University of Massachusetts, and is taught in hundreds of hospitals, corporations, and schools in the US and around the world. Rebecca had done many body scans as part of the course. She knew how to locate and identify the physical sensations accompanying her emotional states. The following intervention was natural to offer, and easy to do with her.

Untying Knots in the Body

As Rebecca continued to cry, we talked about the benefits of recognizing and allowing her grief. But after 20 minutes of repeated bouts of intense sobbing, she asked me to help her stop. I asked if she would like me to guide her through some breathing and mindful stretching; she immediately said yes. We did a four- or five-minute sequence of stretches, while she remained seated on the couch. I guided her to stretch gently, to her limit, with each pose, holding it for 20+ seconds, and remembering to breathe. While holding each stretch, she scanned, place by place throughout her entire body, for unnecessary tension—inviting it to soften (without insisting) wherever she found it.

“Psychotherapeutic approaches that utilize mindfulness offer well-developed non-verbal exercises that enable the individual to dip into direct sensation beneath the veil of words that may often conceal the mind’s pain. This sensory immersion enables the individual to disengage from those bottom-up enslavements at the root of suffering….” (Siegel, 2007)

“Our poses can strongly influence our emotional states. For instance, because of the expansive inhalation and opening of the chest, backbending, traditionally a stimulating practice, can elevate a low mood. Exhale-intensive poses such as forward bends tend to calm an agitated mind. In any balance practice, both inhale-oriented and exhale-oriented postures are executed in order to create equilibrium in the body and breath and to gain emotional
harmony.” (Gerstein)

Untying Knots in the Mind and Heart

This practice creates a state of non-thinking in the midst of strong feelings. Non-thinking helps release habitual, reactive thought patterns as attention is redirected to the body—what is called the neutral ground of attention. If, in the heat of raw emotion, we give free rein to thinking or emotions, our familiar and deeply grooved cascades of mental and emotional activity take their usual course, often intensifying the emotions, or cordoning them off from awareness. Instead, if we direct ourselves to notice “what am I feeling in my big toe right now?” the cascade slows, or even stops, for a while. Awareness remains intact, and new, more balanced, and less distorted thoughts have a chance to arise.

When she sat up again after her last slow, deep forward bend, Rebecca’s face had softened, her breathing was quiet, and she said “it’s gone, the heaviness is gone.” She said she felt sad, but less afraid and overwhelmed. She began to speak with compassion for herself and her sister, while remaining more relaxed for the duration of the session.

Before ending, we rehearsed the practice again: she brought the feelings back into her awareness on purpose, then, increasingly independently, guided herself through stopping, breathing consciously, body scanning, and stretching/releasing tension.

Rehearsal increased the chances that she would remember to use breathing and stretching in the days ahead. Later, she reported with some relief that she had remembered and been able to stop and practice, and that it had helped sometimes. Directing focus away from thinking, and into the body, gave her a sense of independence in calming herself, and also helped her to use her considerable intelligence to understand her sister’s situation, and to face the frightening challenge of becoming independent of her sister for the first time in her life.

Practices like these are not intended to offer an easy fix for difficult emotions or life experiences. Mindfulness, at its core, involves observing things as they are and not fighting them. One formula used is Pain x Resistance = Suffering (PxR=S). Paradoxically, allowing ourselves to be with our pain, sadness, fear, or anger, frees us to go beyond them for a while. And, according to Daniel Siegel, when practiced enough, “… an intentionally and repeatedly created state can become an effortless trait of our being.”

Is prior training required for this intervention to be effective?

A person must be open to locating and feeling different body sensations. Not having this training is a limiting factor. In my experience, however, the breathing, stretching and scanning practice can lead to a similar shift in people who are receptive, regardless of having prior training in mindfulness.

*Names and identifying information have been changed for privacy

Resources:
Center for Mindfulness—Stress Reduction Program
Jon Kabat-Zinn’s Guided Mindfulness Meditations site

http://drdansiegel.com/

References:

1. Gerstein, Nancy. (n.d.). How Yoga Affects Emotions. OmPlace.com. Retrieved from http://www.omplace.com/articles/Yoga_Emotion.html
2. Siegel, Daniel J., M.D. (2007). Reflections on the Mindful Brain. New York: W. W. Norton & Company
3. Siegel, Daniel J., MD. (2010). The Mindful Therapist: A Clinician’s Guide to Mindsight and Neural Integration. New York: W. W. Norton & Company

When we relate to others, there are three modes we can utilize. However, most of us probably predominantly behave and communicate in one of these modes.

Submissive mode is a way of communicating that demonstrates lack of respect for one’s own needs and rights. Most submissive people do not express needs, or do so in such an apologetic and diffident manner that they are often ignored and not taken seriously. Sometimes a submissive person will think that they have communicated clearly when in reality their message was so vague and unclear that it was not understood at all.

Aggressive mode is an expression of feelings, needs, and ideas in a way that goes against the other person. It is a “move against” or “move with the intent to hurt.”

Assertive mode is a method of communication which enables a person to maintain self-respect, clearly communicate and pursue their needs, and defend their rights and personal space without abusing or dominating others. It confirms one’s right to be in the world and put forward needs, desires, ideas, and feelings.

Understanding Submissiveness
The payoff for submissive communication is that the person gets to avoid conflict. Submission is a way of avoiding, delaying, or at least hiding the kind of conflict that is very scary to some people. Most people have been trained for submission by parents, older siblings, teachers, and others. Submissive people are often praised for being submissive: they are called “nice”, unselfish, good sports. It is important to note that submissive people often “win” and control others through their seeming niceness and weakness. They get to have what they want by having the least amount of responsibility and avoiding conflict at the same time.

There is also a price for “nice.” Submissive people go along with everyone’s wishes and needs and do not call their own play. Their relationships tend to not be as intimate and satisfying as those of others: a relationship requires two people and the submissive person is almost not there. People may like and praise the submissive person who voices no complaints for a while, but eventually the other person may start to feel guilt about being selfish or taking advantage of the submissive person.This feeling can then turn into pity, irritation, and eventually anger. Submissive people themselves eventually lose affection for others because they feel a lack of fulfillment.

The thing to remember is that every submission is a repression of anger, which eventually seeps into the affection individuals may feel. Sadly, submissive people act this way in order to be loved—but that very way of being eventually creates conflict and estrangement.

Understanding Aggressiveness
The aggressive person tries to get their needs met, even at the expense of another. Aggressive communication and behavior pay off in three major ways: the aggressive people tend to get their material needs met, are able to protect their space, and seem to have control over their lives and the lives of others.

There are also several downsides to aggression. Aggressive people are very fearful: people are aggressive not because they feel strong, but because they feel weak. They tend to make enemies, and their aggression ultimately makes them even more vulnerable and fearful. Aggressive people tend to alienate people and are usually not liked or loved. This alienation is a very powerful reason to deal with this issue. Too much aggression can also have serious consequences on one’s health and creates an unsafe world for all to live in. There are many aggressive people in our society.

Understanding Assertiveness
Assertiveness has a number of benefits. Assertive people usually like themselves more than the other two types: there is a connection between the ability to assert yourself and improved self-esteem. Assertiveness usually fosters better relationships by making a person more comfortable with themselves and therefore more comfortable to be around. Assertiveness greatly reduces fear and anxiety and enables people to release positive energy towards each other. Healthy and mutual satisfaction of needs in any relationship can only occur between assertive people. The biggest benefit of assertiveness is the feeling of living one’s own life. Your chances of getting what you want out of life greatly improve if you can let others know what you want and need, as well as how you feel.

I think that a person is most likely to get what they want from life and from others by being assertive. Of  course, assertiveness doesn’t always guarantee that you get what you want and need, but under most circumstances it is still most appropriate and preferable.

Is there a price for assertiveness? Yes, there always is. Learning assertiveness takes effort and can be a struggle. It is not easy to change a habitual way of communication. It can also be very painful to communicate vulnerably and honestly what you need, want, or feel and have that lead to conflict or rejection. In order to be assertive, you must be willing to risk enduring a conflict in order to hopefully forge a more authentic, intimate, and satisfying connection.

There are times and situations when submissiveness and aggression are appropriate. The problem is when those kinds of behavior are compulsive.

A choice to work on becoming more assertive is not an easy one. But it is the only possible way to take charge of one’s life and break out of a rut of compulsive behaviors learned in dysfunctional relationships. Assertion helps people to develop the power of having and making a choice, as well as learning to respect that choice in others.  In the end, assertiveness is better most of the time.

The first in a series of articles dedicated to understanding, appreciating, and coping with our anger.

“Sticks and Stones.” I am sure most of you have heard this saying and think you know the ending. It is said to go “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.” I think our parents taught us this, thinking it would help us ward off teasing by others. Unfortunately, this misguided saying is far from true. You see, in reality, sticks and stones may break my bones but WORDS CAN DO SERIOUS DAMAGE. Broken bones heal and yet harmful words may stick with and haunt us.

Many clients come to me struggling with their anger and just want to “fix it.” They hope a few tools will do the trick. Sometimes, this is all it takes. More often though, it is not that simple. As we delve into a quick history, it becomes clear that their anger has been around for a long time. In fact, it has grown over time. Realistically, we cannot expect life-long patterns to be broken overnight. I firmly believe it is valuable for me to help clients understand where their anger comes from. For most of us, anger is directly related to deep-seeded pain from growing up, and I want to help look at sources of pain throughout our lives.

When clients bring up how:

1) their parents weren’t there for them
2) their parents handled their own anger inappropriately
3) they were never taught or encouraged to communicate their feelings
4) they don’t show sadness and believe tears are a sign of weakness

I know how that translates into unresolved sadness and pain which, if not expressed, tends to come out as to anger.

I tend to hear people say “if I don’t think about it, the thoughts/feelings will go away.” This is not the case. In fact, stuffing our feelings will only last so long. Like a volcano, when we stuff our feelings and hold them down, they will eventually erupt or leak out. Exploding over someone spilling something or cutting in front of you, and then not understanding why you are getting that upset, is a problem. When I hear how angry someone gets over “nothing,” I want to look at where the anger is really coming from.

Our anger does not just appear out of thin air. More often than not, when we focus on how the anger has come to be, I can help clients grasp at least a few deeper issues within their past that may be tied to current anger. Of course, I am always wanting to explore with them how their denial of sadness and pain (to generalize, something that, especially we guys, don’t like to show) may have found a way into anger (a feeling we guys may be more expected and comfortable showing).

Too often, clients believe others are “making” them angry. Thinking about your anger (feelings, thoughts, actions, etc.), this in indeed yours. Own it! No one makes us do anything unless we decide to do it. No one makes me sad, happy, angry or anything. The other person can do something, that I may not like, and then I get to choose how I want to respond. Yes, at times, someone’s behavior will lead me to feeling upset but, again, I decide if this will happen. I am indeed in control. Why give up yours? Own your feelings. This will help you understand how many choices you have and how to next respond (or not).

It is important for me to normalize client’s anger. Typically, when I ask people if anger is bad, the answer I hear is “YES.” No, I say. Anger is a normal feeling. It is just what we do with anger that can be positive or problematic. Be clear on this; we all get angry. We all get happy, sad, anxious, etc. sometimes. Feelings are a normal part of our existence and we need to express them.

Upcoming articles here, will focus on not only how to face our pain and best express it, but also on tools to best cope with painful feelings and the anger we may have inside. To start, though, I want to highlight how imperative it is to learn how to calm both the mind and body. One of the best ways to do this is via a commonly used tool known as deep-breathing. Sounds simple but you would not believe how we may fail to take the necessary full breaths, especially under stress.

Taking a slow, deep breath through your nose, holding it a second or two, and then slowly expelling the air through your mouth should not be just a few second process. When we focus on this and take the time needed, it will be difficult to be angry as it helps stop the racing thoughts that tend to go hand-in-hand with anger. Again, this is not a race. Just the opposite. Calmly breathing helps the body and trains our minds to slow down. Furthermore, we don’t want to wait until we are upset to do this. The more we are calming ourselves during the day, the less likely we are to get hyped up in the first place. Try practicing this a few times daily and get ready for more next month.