man holding a woman's little finger“In love we face challenges and in embracing these challenges, conflicts, and dark places, there is immense potential for transformation.” – J. Welwood

When conflict happens in your relationship, how do you react? Do you fly under the radar hoping to avoid detection, or come out fighting and go on the defensive?

Relationships can be wonderful, uplifting, and joyful, as well as challenging, painful, and destructive. When things are great and we’re getting along there is a feeling of deep connection and safety. But when there’s a sign of pain, misunderstanding, or disconnection, defenses are triggered and vulnerability goes into hiding. When conflict is viewed as a threat and met with defensiveness we get stuck in a power struggle that takes our relationship on an emotional rollercoaster ride.

Conflict isn’t a threat to your relationship. Sometimes we view conflict as a threat and respond to it as if it’s a sign that our relationship is in need of fixing or that one of us is at fault. In reality, conflict isn’t the problem—it’s how we meet conflict that becomes the problem.

Why We Don’t See Eye to Eye

When two people who grew up in two different homes decide to make a life together, conflict is going to happen. Each of us comes into relationship with different ways of seeing the world and when these perspectives clash, we encounter conflict. It isn’t about right or wrong; it’s about perception and how we see the world.

For example, if you grew up with a parent or sibling(s) who yelled and criticized you when they were angry, and this scared or frustrated you as a child, you might have learned to avoid angry confrontations at all costs. Now, in your present day relationship, if your partner gets angry your defensive reaction might be to ignore, shut down, or try to get your partner to calm down.

While your partner might benefit from learning how to tone down his/her anger, it’s also possible that your reaction to anger needs to change. The same goes for the partner who is angry—they may have grown up in a family where their needs weren’t being met so they learned that in order to be heard they had to yell, sulk, or complain.

If you both continue to meet this situation with defensiveness, then you’ll be mired in a power struggle that fills your relationship with negativity and resentment. If, on the other hand, you meet conflict with a willingness to listen and an intention to understand, and have empathy for each other, then there’s a potential for healing and growth to happen.

Shift from Conflict to Connection

Learning to become a healing partner takes patience, time, and commitment. Dr. Harville Hendrix, the founder of Imago Relationship Therapy, states that couples have the potential to become healing partners. He says, “It’s in relationship we are wounded so it’s in relationship we can heal.”

Learning to become a healing partner is what helps us develop a safe, intimate, and loving relationship. To get there it takes practice, patience, and a willingness to be vulnerable.

It’s when we learn to soften our defenses and become vulnerable and open that we begin to connect in a way that creates a feeling of safety, love, and connection. It only takes one partner to shift out of the power struggle and into connection. Below are some steps you can take toward helping yourself, your partner, and the relationship.

Steps to help soothe reactivity and calm difficult emotions:

Meet Conflict with Acceptance, Understanding, and Empathy

Conflict in relationships is a catalyst for healing and growth. Learning to approach it in a healing way is challenging. It takes time, patience, and practice. In the end, if you want to develop an intimate, safe, and loving relationship, then it’s essential that you learn to approach it as an opportunity for healing and growth.

Remember, we come into relationship with past hurts, unmet needs, defenses, and parts of us that are in need of growth. When we let go of defenses and open our hearts to each other in a relationship, we create an opportunity for both of us to heal and grow—as individuals and as a couple—as we journey together through life.

May you have love, joy, and peace in your life.

AdobeStock 605780734You’re deeply in love. You’ve found your life mate and are confident that your future will be wonderful. It’s time to buy the rings. Marriage hovers at your horizon, like a gorgeous sunset.

But there is one teeny problem—really teeny and really giant at the same time. Teeny because it’s about a baby. Giant because this disagreement could mean curtains for your relationship. One of you wants a baby, the other doesn’t.

“No problem,” you might say. “I just know he’ll change his mind. He’s great with his nieces and nephews. Because he loves me and knows how much I want this, he’ll say yes when the time is right.”

“Not to worry,” you might say. “She says she wants a child, but the craving will pass when her newborn niece gets older. She’s always said she didn’t think she could handle children. She works long hours and then heads for the gym. Because she loves me and gets it that don’t I want a family, she’ll change her mind.”

(Please excuse the stereotypes. Many men want children, many women don’t. This example is typical, not universal.)

Often when a couple disagrees, a compromise can solve the problem. But you can’t have half a baby or be parents in odd-numbered years and childless/childfree in even-numbered years. How can you solve the problem?

The good news is that it’s not unusual for someone to change his or her mind.

Partners who have never spent time around young children may fall in love with a friend’s child and imagine themselves as a parent for the first time. A partner who would prefer to have a child but whose work, health, or extended family demands make parenthood less attractive may agree to remain child-free.

These changes can happen , but you can’t count on them. Any possible scenarios, depending on personal histories and experiences, could emerge, and suddenly having children will simply not be an option.

The husband with teenagers from another relationship, who said he couldn’t imagine starting over with a second family, not only didn’t change his mind, but also has a chronic illness or college tuition, or a troublesome relationship with a young adult to reckon with. Not only is the answer still “No,” but now it’s in flashing neon. A baby would be even more stressful on the marriage.

The wife who raised five younger siblings because of her parents’ addiction, who had therapy that was supposed to prepare her for a family, concludes with her husband and her therapist, that her breakthroughs, though wonderful, are too fragile for the stresses of motherhood.

Or the wife who loved her husband so much that she told him, “You’ll always be enough for me,” but after her mother’s death and niece’s birth, dreams of babies every night.

Given how much you are in love, that you don’t have a crystal ball, that you don’t want your partner to be miserable, should you marry anyway?

Take with a grain of salt anyone who offers easy answers.

Some people will tell you, “It’s obvious. Don’t get married. Find a partner who feels the way you do.” But maybe this person is your best possible life partner, and giving him or her up might turn out to be an even greater loss than not getting your way on the baby question.

Others will say, “It’s obvious. The other person will come around. Everybody should want children and those who don’t are being immature. Go ahead and marry.” But many responsible people don’t have children, and there has been research that says childfree couples have some of the happiest marriages.

Still others will say, “Love conquers all. You’ll find a solution that works for both of you.” Your family and friends mean well, as do therapists. But only you can decide what’s best for the two of you. If you are ambivalent about parenthood and can imagine a happy life accepting your partner’s choice, then your marriage has a reasonable chance of working out.

Ask yourselves four questions:

  1. Are we exaggerating the likelihood that we might accept the other’s choice, because we can’t stand the idea of breaking up? Is at least one of us relatively confident that he or she can say, “Yes,” to the other’s choice?
  2. If my partner never changes her or his mind, and I wind up childless/ raising a child I would have preferred not to have, could I adapt to my partner’s choice?
  3. Is marrying my beloved more important to me than whether or not we have a child? How might I/we make life enjoyable if I have to make the best of my partner’s choice?
  4. Which would be more painful—realizing that this issue is a dealbreaker and breaking up to search for a partner who shares your parenting goals, or granting your partner’s wish?

What if you decide to go ahead and marry, without any reassuring answers to the questions above, hoping that love will find a way? Choose a specific time to check in with each other in the future about where you stand.

If you’re in your 20s, you can plan to re-evaluate in a few years, after you’re further into your relationship. If you still disagree then, see a therapist who specializes in short-term, goal-oriented treatment of fertility issues.

However, if you are in your 30s or 40s, you will need to be more proactive. See a fertility therapist before your wedding date. You may want to do some noninvasive fertility testing to find out if your fertility is waning. Try not to delay your decision for so long that if you decide to have a child, this may no longer be biologically possible.

Ways that therapy could help:

Other Tips for Resolving the Conflict with Your Partner

Use therapy strategically. Make sure your therapist respects the childfree choice as well as parenting. Don’t be afraid to ask about this before making an appointment. You also want someone who is skilled in short-term, goal-directed couples work, has experience with fertility decisions, and can give you food for thought and homework assignments.

With this skill set, your therapist can offer you the best use of your time and money. It may make sense, after a few weekly visits to get some momentum, to spread out your visits so you have time for reflection and homework.

Speak up if you think the therapist is getting sidetracked by your past. While it may be relevant to discuss your family history, you need therapy that focuses on the tasks at hand: couples communication and decision-making. If you, your partner, or your therapist thinks you are too overcome with emotion related to your childhood or a condition such as depression, get a referral to a different therapist and work with that person individually.

Commit to working together, especially if you decide to get married anyway before finding resolution. Be aware that you are giving higher priority to the relationship than to whether you get what you want regarding a child, and work toward a future solution.

Think “child,” not “children.” Having one child can be a great solution for people who want to experience the joys of parenting without being confined to their homes for years, or having to deal with sibling rivalry. Despite stereotypes, children in one-child families are happier than the rest of us, according to extensive research.

Ask your partner for ideas about how your solution could be made more palatable. Some women agree to take on the major responsibility for parenting–even if this compromises a couple’s nonsexist ethics. Many women see this as a choice to have the pleasures of motherhood rather than absolute social justice.

Some men who persuade their wives to forego motherhood are appropriately gracious about making other sacrifices: “We’ll move to Florence for you to study art for two years, even though it will be expensive.” Or, “I won’t complain if you want to spend Saturdays with your nieces and nephews.”

Treat your partner as the person you love, in all his/her uniqueness, which may include a different take on parenthood. He or she is more than an obstacle to your parenting or childfree goal. Theologian Martin Buber distinguished between “I-Thou” relationships—in which we experience and honor the person in their fullness of being—and “I-It” relationships, in which the other person exists in our minds only as a facilitator of or an obstacle to our goals. The “I-Thou,” qualities of listening and respect are the essence of loving each other. They will bring pleasure and meaning to your life as parents or a family of two.

lonely child looking sadDuring a discussion in my Family Studies class, we talked about the different type of families and why there are issues in the family. I couldn’t help but to think about my situation and my own family issues, and, instantly, lack of communication came into my head as a reason why there are issues in some families.

The reason I chose lack of communication as the main catalyst for families falling apart is that I’ve experienced it personally. I was born in the West African country of Sierra Leone. I lived there with my mom and dad until I was about 8 years of age and was brought to America and my mother’s younger sister was given custody of me. She became my mother and I became her child. Things seemed perfect, and to my family back home I was living the best life there is. I was in the land where everyone wanted to be—America.

And everything was great, because it was the two of us together; she loved me like I was her very own child and I loved her, for she was now my mother. It wasn’t until a third person—a man—was added to our family that we were divided. Everything started falling apart because I was left in the dark. Things were never shared between my new mother and me. We still communicated; however, the things that should have been shared and talked about were deemed too taboo to be spoken off. As she decided to be with this man, nothing was discussed with me. Even though I was a child I still believed that if someone else is to be a part of my life, I deserved some input.

When I was in high school, during my 10th grade year, she decided that we were going to move in with the man. Once again, it was as if my opinion did not matter—I was never asked about how I felt about moving in with this man, or whether I even wanted to move in with him. My mother was simply focused on her well-being, which drastically divided us. I figured, if she was not involving me in life’s big decisions then why should I let her know what was going on in my life?

We continued to live together, yet we were so far apart. We never talked about anything pertaining to what issues I was having in school or things that were going on in my life. There were times we would go out to the movies or out shopping like the “normal” mother and daughter, but during those times when we were supposed to have bonding experiences, all we would talk about was the weather. Sometimes we didn’t even say much of anything to each other. We drifted so far apart that now our relationship is nonexistent.

For so long I felt nothing but rage and anger. Questions filled my heart. Why was she with him? With everything in me I hated him because of what he did to me while she wasn’t around—all the rude comments he would make and sexual advances toward me. There was so much hatred in me! It transferred over to her as well; if only she would have asked how I felt about us living with him, maybe I would have shared more with her.

Breaking the Silence

I eventually told her everything that happened in that house while she wasn’t around: his rude comments, as well as his sexual harassment. More secrets came out, and things that for so many years I held inside and had never spoken of to anyone. She asked, “Why now?” She wanted to know why I waited so long to tell her. I said, “I know it’s not the ‘right’ time to tell you because you’ve been in the relationship for so long, but it is never too late for someone to know the truth.”

I did not go to a professional therapist per se. I had therapy from an older friend who had his master’s in psychology. He was the first person I talked to about the problems I was dealing with. He helped me face my issues, rather than ignoring them like I’ve always done. Before, I would avoid issues by not talking about them or by dismissing them. Before opening up to him I always buried the pain, anger, hurt, rage, and fear. But he helped me to take on all these emotions firsthand. So I decided to talk to my mother about everything I went through as a child—how I felt like my feelings did not matter, and how she chose her husband over me, always.

The process helped me, because rather than doing what I always did as a child—that is, either avoiding the situation or completely dismissing—I was able to express everything that for so long I kept bottled up inside of me. I was finally able to TALK about it. After releasing years and years of emotions, I was finally able to let go. My mother finally understood where I was coming from—why for so many years we never really had a relationship, why I was never fond of her husband, and why I disliked him so much.

Peace, Healing, and God

Today, I am on my own. I have my own apartment, I go to school full time, and I am working to be successful. I have yet to know what my mother did about her relationship with the man. She wanted us to sit and talk as a family about everything that happened in that house, but I said no; I needed time to truly let go of everything. I needed time to find me, I need time to heal—and healing begins by finally talking about it). I don’t know what the future holds for us, but it is my prayer that things get better and that she finally realizes the man she chose is not healthy for her life.

While our communication is minimal, I try to keep a relationship with my mother, mostly because of God. I believe that whatever is tied here on earth has been bound in Heaven. I want to be able to live my life without anger, without rage. I want peace. I want to be forgiven for my mistakes because I was not the perfect child, and I’m still not a perfect person. Most of all I want to be able to forgive, and I don’t want anything to come between me and my blessings from God because of me not communicating to the woman who raised me.

For the rest of my life, I don’t have to be angry any more. I don’t have to feel afraid or hold things in. I can live my life the way I want to, and the way I feel is best for my well-being. And although my relationship with my mother has forever changed, now at least she knows why things are the way they are between us. I have no regrets about anything.

GoodTherapy | Anger in Relationships: Owning Yours, Softening Your Partner's

Experiencing anger in your relationship is not a sign that your relationship is doomed to fail.

Anger is an emotion that we all experience, and it signifies that something has to be done. Conflict really has a purpose, and the purpose is mutual understanding, according to relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman. Anger makes you aware that there is a problem. How you deal with your anger can become a big part of the problem. For some couples, anger can make it nearly impossible to figure out what the problem is and how to fix it.

For most couples, anger itself is not the problem. What becomes problematic is how partners deal with their anger and how well they deal with their partner’s. Research shows that 69% of problems in a relationship are unsolvable, emphasizing that couples must learn to manage conflict rather than eliminate it entirely.

Dealing with Your Anger

Managing your own anger effectively is the first step toward healthier relationship dynamics. Research shows that anger is often a secondary emotion which covers up more vulnerable feelings such as embarrassment, sadness, and hopelessness. Understanding this can help you address the root causes of your emotional responses.

couple talking in kitchen

Take time out to calm yourself enough to think about what you are angry about. Taking a break is the best way to keep a bad argument from getting worse, with pauses ranging from 20 minutes to 24 hours to allow both partners to cool down.

Own your anger. Remind yourself that your anger belongs to you and that it is telling you something about yourself. Anger is often directed at your partner, but your anger belongs to you, even when it’s triggered by your partner’s behavior. You can have valid complaints about your partner’s actions, but the emotion is yours.

If the anger is your own, then it follows that you are in control. Accept that you are in control. Your next step is to think about what your anger is about. Again, try to focus on yourself, not your partner’s wrongdoing. I’m not saying that your partner is right. I am saying that you need to focus on yourself so you can express yourself to your partner, allowing you to work together to find solutions.

See your thoughts and emotions as your perspective, and at the same time try to keep in mind that your partner has his or her own perspective that will always be different from yours—after all, you are two different people with different experiences. Thinking like this will help you stay calm through the process of dealing with your emotions.

What are your angry thoughts? Try to follow your thoughts to get a full picture. It may help to write down what, exactly, happened that led to you feeling angry.

view into prison cell from outside

Consider what other emotions are involved. Research on anger and emotion regulation shows that anger often serves as a defensive response to protect against more vulnerable primary emotions. Examples of primary emotions are feeling sad, afraid, hurt, or rejected. Anger activates when something stands between us and the gratification of our demands, serving as a defensive system. Vulnerability is often seen as weakness; many of us were brought up to ignore vulnerabilities and push through problems.

Anger can feel like relief as emotional energy is released and vulnerabilities are pushed away from awareness. Being angry at your partner is sometimes easier than facing fear of rejection. However, the consequences of reacting with anger in a relationship can be severe. We know this at work; screaming at colleagues is most likely going to get us fired.

Key Insight: Nathanael Schlect, Licensed Associate Counselor “Anger can feel like relief as emotional energy is released and vulnerabilities are pushed away from awareness.”

Dealing with Your Partner’s Anger

This guidance applies to relationships where both partners feel safe. If anger includes intimidation, coercion, or physical harm, professional support is important

two men chatting on park bench

Dealing with your partner’s anger is a totally different process. I suggest that you help your partner calm down and go through the process described above.

Your part is to be supportive, listen actively, and ask clarifying questions. (See other articles I have written on The Good Therapy Blog about communicating effectively and especially active listening.) As the listener, you must create a safe space for the speaker with no judging or arguing, showing genuine interest and allowing them time to fully communicate their concerns.

Remind yourself that your partner is coming from his or her perspective and personal experiences. Your own perspective and feelings are not important at this time. If you are able to do this for your partner, I can assure you that you will see big, positive changes in your relationship. Perhaps your partner will initially react with surprise and even anger that you are changing your steps of the dance you have danced together for so many years of fighting. However, if you keep up your end of the relationship and focus on being the best partner you can be, your partner will eventually follow and give you the same courtesy when you are upset and need support.

The happiest and most successful couples don’t avoid conflict, fear or anger – they just know how to fight fairly and productively. Research from the Gottman Institute shows that effective couples use “repair attempts” during conflicts—small gestures like humor, affection, or expressions of empathy to de-escalate tension and maintain connection.

In an ideal world, partners will take turns being upset. In the real world, we often get upset at the same time. This is where repair work becomes important. Practice apologizing, stay calm, and remind yourself why you are in the relationship and that you are in control of how you express your emotions.

Stable and happy couples maintain a ratio of about 5 positive interactions for every 1 negative interaction, which helps buffer against conflict and builds emotional connection. This research-backed principle can guide couples in maintaining relationship health even during difficult periods.

Key Insight: Nathanael Schlect, Licensed Associate Counselor “In couples work, the goal isn’t to eliminate anger, it’s to slow it down enough that the hurt underneath can be heard.”

References:

  1. Blair, R. J. R. (2012). Considering anger from a cognitive neuroscience perspective. Wiley Interdisciplinary Reviews: Cognitive Science, 3(1), 65-74. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3260787/
  2. Gottman, J., & Gottman, J. S. (2024). Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict into Connection. Harmony Books.
  3. Gottman, J. M. (2024). Managing vs. resolving conflict in relationships: 3 essential blueprints for couples. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/managing-vs-resolving-conflict-relationships/
  4. Larsson, J., Bjureberg, J., Zhao, X., & Hesser, H. (2024). The inner workings of anger: A network analysis of anger and emotion regulation. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 80(2), 437-455.
  5. National Institute of Mental Health. (2024). Novel treatment helps children with severe irritability. https://www.nimh.nih.gov/news/science-updates/2024/novel-treatment-helps-children-with-severe-irritability
  6. Pop, G. V., Nechita, D. M., Miu, A. C., & Szentágotai-Tătar, A. (2025). Anger and emotion regulation strategies: A meta-analysis. Scientific Reports, 15(1), 6931.
  7. Tharp, J. A., Zerwas, F. K., Mauss, I. B., & Chen, S. (2025). Power, emotion appropriateness norms, and regulation of anger and sadness. Emotion. Advance online publication.

woman-screaming-during-business-meetingYou’ve probably seen videos of big, furious guys going after little guys. It doesn’t look like a fair fight at first, but there can be surprises—and sometimes the little guys win. I’ve been studying tai chi, learning how people can defeat themselves by misusing their energy and losing their center of balance.

Sometimes life feels like a wrestling match. We’ve all been there—stuck with someone who is just relentlessly on the attack, who pushes all our buttons looking for a fight. “Arlene” grew up like that, and for a long time she equated rage with strength because her parents did. In her family, people fought to prove that they were powerful and in control. They did this because they needed to take their anger out on other people, and because they believed they lived in a dog-eat-dog world and they wanted everybody else to live there, too. Arlene couldn’t bear to live in a world like that. She worked hard and long, and with therapy, yoga, and the help of her husband’s patience and good nature, she learned to have better control of her anger. She found out that the world can be very different. She learned how to walk away from meaningless fights.

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Sometimes, anger is justified. If someone stomps on your foot, you might yell. If you grew up in a bad neighborhood anger can be a protection, but if you stay angry long enough, everywhere you look you’ll find something or someone who makes you mad. For some people, getting mad can be a circular process—the madder you are, the madder you get—until there’s just no stopping. A few people seem predisposed to anger; they are just born that way.

Which brings us to “Ramona.” She thinks everyone is against her, so she fights with everybody, which turns people against her and kind of proves she’s right. If someone makes an innocent joke, she often takes it the wrong way; she gets upset if she thinks people aren’t paying her enough attention or giving her the admiration she feels she deserves. It’s all about her. She takes everything literally, feels threatened, and has little sense of humor. She’s controlling—it’s her way or the highway. Ramona is always angry and disappointed.

This is tough on her friends, family, and coworkers. Ramona needs to be adored and obeyed, and if she doesn’t get what she wants, she goes into a rage. Some people admire her; she is smart, talented, and can be very funny. Many people are scared of her; they don’t tell her what they think because she yells long and loud, so they just clam up and ride out the storm.

One day Arlene was hired at Ramona’s workplace, and the two of them were put in the same unit. When the unit met for its weekly conference, their supervisor, “Alonzo,” led off the meeting, saying the company needed to make more sales. Ramona spoke at length about improving the business and had plenty of ideas, some very good ones, but she wasn’t interested in listening to anyone else and interrupted when other people were talking. She interrupted Arlene, too, who called her on it, and then Ramona went on the attack and yelled at Arlene. Other members of the group tensed up, anticipating a shouting match, but Arlene had a different tactic. She said she admired much of what Ramona thought, but wanted to hear what others had to say and to share her own ideas, too. Ramona got very angry and screamed even more at Arlene, who just listened. The other members of the meeting were watching Arlene. After the meeting was over, Arlene told Ramona not to yell at her anymore.

There was another meeting. Ramona yelled at Arlene again. Arlene had previously warned Ramona that the next time Ramona started yelling Arlene would leave the meeting, which is exactly what happened. Arlene got up and walked out, ending the meeting.

Alonzo called Arlene into his office and asked what happened. Arlene said, “Ramona never stops talking and yelling, and a lot of people don’t like it but they’re too scared to say anything. I tried over and over to get her to stop, but she didn’t listen. She’s always like this. So I just walked away.”

“Why didn’t you yell back?” Alonzo asked. “Were you too scared?”

Arlene answered, “No, she doesn’t scare me. I just refuse to be yelled at, so I walked out. Yelling back at her would never work; it would be a shouting match, and I don’t like yelling anyway. I simply told Ramona that if she yelled at me I wasn’t going to shout back or stand around and listen to her scream, either—I was going to leave, which is exactly what I did.”

“Don’t you stand up for yourself?” Alonzo said.

“Leaving was standing up for myself,” she replied. “This argument was basically meaningless. If we don’t agree, we can discuss things, but not Ramona. She just likes to yell. I mean, yelling? What are we, in junior high?” Alonzo agreed that Ramona was out of line.

Alonzo transferred Ramona to a position where her intelligence and creativity were called into play, but where she didn’t have to work with others. It was a horizontal move, not the promotion that Ramona thought she deserved and that Arlene got—she took over Alonzo’s job when he was promoted.

Arlene won. Ramona defeated herself.

man-laughing-on-phone

Long-distance relationships (LDRs) present unique challenges that test the resilience and commitment of couples separated by geography. While the physical distance can create obstacles, recent research reveals that these relationships may offer distinct advantages and can be just as fulfilling as geographically close relationships when approached with the right strategies.

According to 2025 research, the prevalence of long-distance relationships has evolved significantly, with current estimates showing that 10% of married couples in the United States maintain long-distance relationships. Among university students and emerging adults, LDR prevalence ranges from 30% to 50%, making this a common relationship structure during formative years.

Current Research on Long-Distance Relationships

The foundation for understanding LDR dynamics comes from groundbreaking research published in the Journal of Communication. Research from Jiang and Hancock (2013) observed communication patterns in long-distance versus geographically close relationships, finding that emotional connections in long-distance relationships may be equally strong or stronger than their geographically close counterparts. The study found that long-distance couples engage in more adaptive self-disclosures and form more idealized relationship perceptions than geographically close couples.

This foundational research has been validated and expanded by numerous recent studies. A 2025 study examining emerging adults in long-distance relationships found that relationship maintenance behaviors predict relationship quality both directly and indirectly through dyadic trust. Research on communication patterns shows that LDR couples use remote communication more frequently than geographically close couples, with text messaging showing particularly strong links to relationship satisfaction in long-distance relationships.

Current research indicates that 34% of long-distance relationship couples experience significant anxiety about future reunion plans, highlighting the emotional challenges that come with maintaining relationships across distances. However, studies suggest that college students in LDRs may not be at greater risk for negative psychological outcomes compared to their peers in geographically close relationships.

The Science Behind LDR Success

Several psychological mechanisms may explain why distance can strengthen rather than weaken romantic bonds:

Enhanced Communication Quality

Long-distance couples demonstrate more intentional communication patterns, engaging in deeper self-disclosure and forming more idealized perceptions of their relationships compared to geographically close couples. 2025 research shows that attachment-security strategies for LDR couples, including creating psychological distance from negative triggers through mindfulness and perspective-taking techniques, can reduce harmful coping behaviors and improve relationship stability. Regular communication schedules, shared digital experiences, and planned visits help maintain secure attachment bonds across time zones.

While enhanced communication can strengthen emotional intimacy, it may also introduce a subtle risk: the tendency to idealize one’s partner. Because long-distance couples rely heavily on curated interactions, texts, calls, and planned visits, partners may unintentionally “fill in the gaps” with assumptions that reflect hopes rather than reality.

Clinical observations and emerging research suggest that this form of idealization can create a “fantasy bond,” where the relationship feels emotionally fulfilling but is partially constructed in the mind rather than grounded in everyday shared experience. Over time, this gap between perception and reality can become a source of distress, particularly during transitions to living together or increased in-person contact.

The Power of Anticipation

The cyclical nature of separation and reunion in LDRs creates heightened emotional experiences. Recent research on “relationship jet lag” reveals that couples experience no difficulty adapting when reuniting, with researchers noting that “the joy of being together may be enough to supersede that jet lag effect”.

However, the same anticipation that fuels excitement can also amplify contrast effects. Time spent together often occurs under unusually positive conditions, planned visits, time off work, and heightened emotional focus, which can resemble a “holiday mode” of relating. This context may temporarily intensify emotional and physical intimacy, but it does not always reflect how the relationship functions under routine, day-to-day conditions

Attachment Theory Insights

separate beds

Modern research examining attachment styles in LDRs shows that individuals maintain committed romantic relationships across significant geographical separation (averaging 1042 miles) for extended periods (averaging 3 years). Studies demonstrate that securely attached individuals report higher relationship satisfaction and greater interdependence in their relationships, while high relationship closeness predicts high satisfaction in long-distance relationships.

The Reunion Transition: When Distance ClosesOne of the most underexamined phases of long-distance relationships is the transition from distance to proximity. While much of the research focuses on maintaining connection across distance, clinical experience and emerging studies suggest that reunification can be a critical stress point.

When partners move closer or begin living in the same location, they often encounter a “reality adjustment period.” The imagined or idealized partner must integrate with the real, everyday person, complete with habits, routines, stress responses, and preferences that were less visible during long-distance phases.

This transition can affect multiple domains:

Research on relationship transitions suggests that these adjustments can temporarily decrease relationship satisfaction, even in otherwise strong partnerships. Recognizing this phase as a normal developmental stage, rather than a sign of incompatibility, can help couples navigate it more effectively.

Modern Communication Tools and Their Impact

Technology has revolutionized long-distance relationship maintenance, providing couples with unprecedented opportunities to stay connected.

Text Messaging: The Relationship Lifeline

Research consistently shows that text messaging is the most frequently used form of remote communication in both long-distance and geographically close relationships, followed by voice calls and video calls. Study findings add to growing literature on remote communication and suggest a uniquely positive role of texting within LDRs.

Gaming as Relationship Maintenance

Recent research reveals that playing games together is an increasingly common way for couples to maintain long-distance relationships. Digital games serve as a form of relational maintenance, though they remain relatively understudied for romantic relationship maintenance compared to socialization with friends and family.

Video Calls and Beyond

While video calling shows weaker links with relationship satisfaction compared to other forms of communication, couples in LDRs report more frequent video calling and perceive their partners as more responsive during video calls compared to geographically close relationships.

Innovative research on haptic technology, including devices like the Kissenger machine that simulates realistic kissing sensations through smartphones, shows promise for enhancing relationship satisfaction in long-distance couples during experimental trials.

Evidence-Based Strategies for LDR Success

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1. Leverage Modern Communication Technology

Take advantage of diverse communication platforms, recognizing that 67% of international LDR couples struggle with scheduling mismatches. Available communication windows often shrink as work and social commitments increase. Consider:

2. Establish Clear Expectations and Timelines

Research shows that couples tend to experience less stress and uncertainty if they have a clear timeline for reunion compared to those uncertain about their reunion. Approximately 72% of successful LDR couples discuss boundaries and expectations early in the relationship. Planning visits and creating an end date for the long-distance phase are key factors, with couples having a concrete timeline being 30% more likely to stay together.

3. Focus on Quality Communication

Trust and communication are considered the two most critical factors for LDR success, with 85% of LDR couples reporting trust as their relationship foundation and 82% emphasizing the importance of clear, open communication. Rather than using your partner primarily to vent daily stress, focus on:

4. Maintain Romance and Connection

Emotional intimacy is crucial, with 74% of LDR couples sending care packages or thoughtful gifts to show love and affection. Maintaining emotional connection in creative ways helps fill the gap created by physical distance. Strategies include:

5. Maintain Individual Growth

Don’t put your life on hold during separation. Having friends, employment, and outside interests helps manage loneliness and makes you a more engaging partner. Research shows that students in LDRs have more positive affect when off-campus than on-campus, suggesting the importance of maintaining life outside the relationship context.

6. Discuss Realities of Daily Life

To reduce the risks of idealization, couples can intentionally incorporate elements of daily life into their long-distance interactions:

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Research and clinical insights suggest that couples who engage in reality-based interactions, rather than exclusively emotionally heightened exchanges, are better prepared for eventual reunification.

Challenges and Modern Solutions

Relationship “Jet Lag” and Transitions

Recent research identifies “relationship jet lag” as a phenomenon where individuals in long-distance relationships face unique barriers to both individual and relationship health. The transition difficulties upon separation can create negative associations with the relationship itself.

Time Zone and Scheduling Challenges

Time zone differences create psychological pressures beyond simple scheduling inconvenience. When partners operate on different circadian rhythms, 67% of international LDR couples struggle with scheduling mismatches that create cascading communication effects.

Digital Age Complications

The modern dating landscape includes challenges like “Nanoship” – ultra-short relationships that form and dissolve rapidly due to digital platform ease, creating additional pressure on couples trying to maintain long-term connections across distances.

Research-Backed Success Factors

Studies using serial mediation models show that relationship maintenance behaviors predict relationship quality both directly and indirectly through dyadic trust, with effective relationship maintenance behaviors playing a crucial role in maintaining relational balance and functioning.

Recent research examining adaptive models for long-distance relationships incorporates mindfulness, sexual function, religious, and online social support domains, with data from 366 couples (aged 18-57, averaging 34.82 years) demonstrating the validity of comprehensive support approaches.

Conclusion

Long-distance relationships, while challenging, can be as fulfilling and stable as geographically close relationships when approached with evidence-based strategies. The key lies not in the distance itself, but in how couples manage that distance through intentional communication, trust-building, and relationship maintenance behaviors.

Long-distance romantic relationships have become increasingly common, especially among emerging adults. This situation reveals the importance of understanding how these relationships are maintained and the quality individuals perceive from them. Success requires commitment from both partners, strategic use of available technology, and a clear plan for eventual geographic reunion.

References:

  1. Acosta-Rodas, P., Arias-Flores, H., & Ramos-Galarza, C. (2020). Long-distance relationships: Use of technology advances in communication, idealization and satisfaction. International Conference on Human Systems Engineering and Design, 110-115.
  2. Du Bois, S., Weber, D. M., Baucom, D. H., Wojda-Burlij, A. K., Carrino, E. A., & Sher, T. G. (2022). Relationship “jet lag” in long-distance and geographically close relationships: The impact of relationship transitions on emotional functioning. Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice, 13(3), 157-171.
  3. Holtzman, S., Kushlev, K., Wozny, A., & Godard, R. (2021). Long-distance texting: Text messaging is linked with higher relationship satisfaction in long-distance relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 38(12), 3543-3565.
  4. Jiang, L. C., & Hancock, J. T. (2013). Absence makes the communication grow fonder: Geographic separation, interpersonal media, and intimacy in dating relationships. Journal of Communication, 63(3), 556-577.
  5. Körün, O. (2025). Even though the long distance: Are we still going on? Dyadic trust, relationship maintenance behaviors, and relationship quality among emerging adulthoods. Scandinavian Journal of Psychology, 46(1), 123-135.
  6. Murikkattu, N. N. E., Shah, N. D., Singh, N. N., Bhatia, N. M. S., & Sinha, N. A. (2024). The experiences of individuals in maintaining a long-distance relationship through social media. World Journal of Advanced Research and Reviews, 23(2), 2736-2743.
  7. Reframe. (2025). Long-distance relationship success: 2025 tips & science. https://www.joinreframeapp.com/articles/long-distance-relationships-anxiety-2025-statistics-attachment-security
  8. Roberts, A. (2007). Long-distance romantic relationships: Attachment, closeness, and satisfaction. Dissertation Abstracts International, 68(3), 1887B

Ashley-and-Dan-BushEditor’s note: Ashley Davis Bush, LICSW, and Daniel Arthur Bush, PhD, are co-authors of 75 Habits for a Happy Marriage. Their continuing education presentation for GoodTherapy.org, titled Helping Couples Connect When Life Is Pulling Them Apart, is scheduled for 9 a.m. PDT on September 13. The event is good for 1.5 CE credits and is available at no cost to GoodTherapy.org members. For details, or to register, please click here.

“Melissa” and “George” have been married for 19 years. Nine years ago, George’s excessive drinking had led to a separation. George admitted to his addiction and checked himself into a rehabilitation center. They reunited after six months, and George has been sober ever since.

They were in my office now because Melissa was feeling unfulfilled in their marriage. George had reluctantly agreed to come. “It’s not like I’m drinking anymore” he said, “so really, we’re fine.”

That’s when I heard the first damaging assumption: “Things are OK as long as there aren’t any BIG problems, such as addiction, adultery, or abuse.” WRONG. Certainly, those issues are significant, but marriages fall apart on far less. Bad habits such as under-appreciation, frequent exits, chronic complaining, and gradual distancing are the more frequent causes of death for a marriage. The four horsemen of John Gottman’s book, 7 Principles for Making Your Marriage Work, speak directly to this assumption.

In the course of the intake, I asked George if he loved Melissa. Melissa looked up expectantly, waiting for his answer. He replied, “Well, sure, she knows that I do. It’s not like I need to tell her every day.” Melissa sat back, deflated.

That’s when I heard the second damaging assumption: “My spouse knows that I love him/her. I don’t need to say it regularly.” WRONG. An important part of being in a romantic relationship is making sure that your partner knows, every single day, that you love him or her. Some people want to know this in words; others prefer that the message is communicated by actions or touch. Know how your partner wishes to receive your love message. This assumption is the topic of Gary Chapman’s book, The Five Love Languages.

Melissa and George had arrived at a place in their marriage where they simply didn’t understand where the other was coming from. They both felt stuck and unappreciated.

They were also holding on to the third relationship-eroding assumption: “My partner must have the same emotional needs and communication style as I do.” We all have unique neurological, biological, and social differences. And there are some dramatic differences between men and women in how they cope with stress, communicate their feelings, and get their intimacy needs met. Acknowledging and accepting the ways in which your partner is different from you is a crucial step in making your relationship work. John Gray has helped millions drop this assumption through his book, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus.

It was the collapse of the fourth and fifth assumptions that finally brought this couple to counseling. But other couples need to be on guard. The fourth common damaging assumption is: “I know how my partner is feeling about our relationship.” MAYBE, but you need to find out for sure. Just because he or she isn’t complaining all the time doesn’t mean he/she is satisfied. Take up the habit of asking your partner: “Are you happy in our marriage?” “Is there anything that I can do to be a better partner?” Don’t wait until your partner drags you to marriage counseling to discover that he or she is unsatisfied. Conscious Loving, by Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks, is an example of a book dedicated to communication antidotes to this crippling assumption.

The fifth relationship-damaging assumption is: “We will never get divorced.” WRONG. A high percentage of people in divorce courts never thought they’d be getting divorced. Believing that it can’t happen to you can lead to your becoming apathetic, complacent, and lazy. You begin to take your partner for granted. Instead, knowing that time is finite (either because divorce or death might be looming), you begin to treat the relationship with TLC. George and Melissa already knew that their relationship was subject to separation.

However, once they realized that their assumptions had led to unhealthy and hurtful habits in their relationship, they began to turn things around. George, upon hearing that Melissa wasn’t feeling loved, became open to new ways of communicating to her. Melissa responded to his attention so positively that it was easy for them to embrace each other’s differences and develop new habits that eventually evolved into a whole new way of being with each other.

couple-making-dinner-togetherPeople in good relationships have developed the habit of looking out for their partner’s kindnesses and considerate actions. They succeed at preventing oversights and bad moods from interfering with their affections. When this “positive perspective” is not present or insufficient, couples are more likely to have trouble managing conflict, maintaining a sense of the relationship being in their own best interests, or gaining shared meaning from their involvement.

A state of “positive sentiment override” creates an atmosphere that allows couples to handle difficulties and stress while continuing to feel they are on the same side. Couples who offer consistent support to each other experience a connection that sees them through even when they are rushed, cranky, or feeling harried.

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Negative interactions predictably breed more negativity. This positive state of sentiment override develops when couples have a strong enough friendship to overlook or shrug off moments of irritability or distraction.

For example, when one partner is facing a tough meeting at work, the other person texts afterward to ask how it went. Later at dinner, when it turns out the partner who sent the text forgot to pick up a key ingredient for the meal, the couple solves the problem together and comes up with a different menu.

However, when one person goes off to work after mentioning it will be a difficult day, and he or she never hears from the partner nor is asked about his or her day upon getting home, it becomes more difficult to be understanding when the partner said he or she would stop at the store and yet neglected to buy something important. Then the person who had the hard day at work is more likely to think, “My partner is basically a selfish person.” That thought creates emotions that lead to criticism and bickering instead of mutual support. Each person ends up feeling alone and unhappy.

Of course, this is just one mundane example. Relationship patterns are made up of many interactions repeated over time. Any couple can fall into the kind of difficult exchange described here, but couples who function well can bounce back with statements such as, “I’m sorry, I screwed up. I forgot to ask about that meeting. My day ran away with me, too! Can we catch up now? I’ll pull a snack together for us.”

The danger of negative sentiment override is that the couple gets into a habit of failing to make these kinds of repairs to the relationship. Instead, each person retreats to a separate corner, each feeling self-protective and neglected. It becomes an uphill climb to re-establish positive sentiments when the negative experiences are repetitive. Members of a couple that loses positive perspective no longer naturally assume the best of their partner’s intentions; instead, they ask fewer questions, talk less with each other, and attribute negative motivation to their partner.

Our minds are built to seek evidence for the way the world looks to us, and we operate with many mental filters all the time; otherwise, we would be completely over-stimulated and would never get anything done. When one or both partners begin viewing the relationship through a negative lens, it is always easy to find evidence that our parent is a flawed and imperfect human being. We are more likely to notice the coffee grounds spilled on the counter, lights left on, and to resent the inevitable accommodations we have to make in order to live with another person. Says Dr. John Gottman: “I was not able to crack the code to saving marriages until I started to analyze what went right in happy marriages.”

man-with-hand-up-to-ear-to-listenWe like to think we are good listeners, but I’m smart enough to know that even I miss things. Being a good listener is more than just allowing the other person to speak and you being nearby. You have to take in what the person is saying and sometimes go deeper. You may have to read between the lines, ask questions, and offer support. You may even have to bite your tongue, resist giving suggestions, and just truly listen, reflect what you are hearing, and ask the person if you understand the situation correctly.

Sometimes, you may be confused as to why the other person is sharing with you. Does he or she want you to just be there and listen? Does he or she want your opinion and help in problem-solving his or her struggle? I can tell you that a lot of us guys are great at coming up with ideas for you, so if this is what you are looking for, you may be in for a treat. But what if you need to just vent? It’s OK to get yourself out of an uncomfortable situation (say, a disagreement at work or with a neighbor), know that is not the time or place to sound off, and find a friend or significant other to bend an ear a bit and blow off some steam.

If you are not looking for advice in those moments, it may be important to share this upfront. “Hey! Can I vent with you a little bit?” you might say. “I had a frustrating day at work. I’m not looking for advice right now, but I could really use your support.” This is a perfect start to the conversation. If I am in a position to just listen, I can best support this person without having to come up with a game plan. If I am confused, I can ask questions and even share how I might feel in that situation: “Wow! That sounds frustrating. I can imagine that was not a comfortable moment.” Not that there is a specific way to respond in every situation, but since I care about the other person, the sharer will know of my concern in being there.

The idea of being mindful can be challenging, though. Buddha noted mindfulness as a key to enlightenment. But it takes practice. When I am present for the sharer, I am not thinking about what I am going to do later in the day or about the meal from earlier. I am in that moment with the person, paying attention to what he or she is experiencing, both in actual words and emotion. Unfortunately, I fear our everyday lives are over-full of activities and stressors, both good and bad. We are constantly being bombarded by stimuli—conversations around us, work expectations, family members’ activities, places to go, people to see, television, radio, game systems, a trillion new phone apps, etc.—all competing for our attention. This makes it too easy to drift in and out of conversations with all the ideas in our minds.

We need to resist the urge to drift away from the person or situation at hand, especially if we want to have meaningful relationships in which we feel supported by others and they feel supported by us. If you find it difficult to remain focused, do some reflection on all that is going on in your life and evaluate if there is too much. If so, perhaps you can cut back on some of those things. Even a few reductions may help you both relax more and find it easier to focus on the moment. Furthermore, tools such as meditation and other relaxation techniques can allow you to give your mind a rest for a bit as well as help you better manage stressful times that can command your attention.

woman-arguing-with-her-partnerPeople often tell me that they have problems maintaining calm and respectful communication with their partner even though they intended to. They start out fine, but can’t follow through when their partner responds in disrespectful or angry ways. Some of these couples need the presence of an experienced couples therapist to be able to maintain calm and repair disruptions.

This article offers a communication model that outlines how to practice maintaining communication regarding how you feel in an honest and open way while keeping your calm. This is not about feeling good or even comfortable. This is about practicing staying calm even though you feel hurt and angry.

The rationale for this is having a fuller understanding of each other’s perspectives. Feeling angry doesn’t necessarily mean that you are bound to break up. It means that there is something you need to take care of.

If you manage to find solutions together, you will feel closer, safer, and understood on a deeper level. Imagine explaining to your partner that you are hurt and angry in a calm way. Also, imagine that your partner is able to hear you and respond in a loving way.

Because it is easier to express positive feelings and talk about what’s right in your relationship, I will recommend that you start with five positive statements about yourself, your partner, and your relationship. Build from the following, if you like:

  1. What do you love about your partner?
  2. What do you love about the relationship?
  3. What is most important to you?
  4. Give a concrete example of what makes you feel loved.
  5. Give a concrete example of what you look forward to.

Expressing your love, appreciation, and willingness to stay connected and find solutions together is essential for your partner’s willingness to hear you out and consider your requests and proposed solutions to problems you are having.

[fat_widget_left]Expressing feelings of frustration, anger, fear, and sadness is a lot harder and takes some consideration. If you are able to stay calm and collected while you talk about your feelings, your chances of staying on track are higher. If you avoid blaming your partner and instead talk about what you feel, think, and what is important to you and why, it is more likely that your partner will respond positively.

Try to make it easier for your partner to listen to you and refrain from interrupting you and subsequently defending herself/himself. Try to make your statements more about yourself than about your partner. This is probably one of the hardest things to do. Self-expression is about defining yourself and what is most important to you, which is not easy when you are feeling upset and hurt.

It is natural in a relationship to feel at times that the other person is to blame. However, if you consider the matter, you will become aware that you have a responsibility for your own responses and reactions, and how you function as a partner has an influence on the relationship. Your feelings are your own, and to blame others for them is not conductive for your individual or relationship growth.

Before you start expressing feelings of anger and hurt, I recommend that you think about what you are going to say and how you are going to say it. Consider the following:

  1. What are your feelings? Do you feel angry, hurt, sad, scared, lonely, jealous, guilty, etc.?
  2. Give concrete examples such as, “I feel scared when you don’t call.”
  3. Focus more on what you feel, think, and want, not on your partner’s shortcomings. “I feel lonely and I miss what we used to do together.”
  4. Tell your partner why it is important to you that you honestly and openly express your feelings. Make sure you explain that self-expression goes both ways, and that it takes courage to talk about feeling vulnerable. Showing vulnerabilities is a sign of strength, and talking openly and honestly about how you feel is not a weakness.
  5. Be mindful of how you express yourself. Tone of voice, facial expressions, body language, and eye contact are more important than most people think. Most of what you actually communicate to your partner has to do with how you communicate.
  6. Be open and explicit about your intentions for having the conversation.
  7. Make sure you are not having this conversation to get back at your partner. If you are very angry, you might feel vengeful. If that is the case, calm yourself and consider what is most important to you and what kind of partner you would like to be.

Don’t expect immediate success. Self-expression is a skill which takes practice to master. Ask for professional help if you need to.

AdobeStock 142240507The pages of women’s magazines are filled with articles offering methods for encouraging men to propose marriage and entire websites are dedicated to increasing a person’s marry-ability. Both men and women can be hesitant about marriage, and when romantic partners have different opinions of marriage, the conflict can be challenging to resolve.

It is possible, however, to have a committed and loving relationship without marriage, and some people who are uncomfortable with marriage ultimately change their minds. A disagreement about marriage doesn’t have to end your relationship, particularly if you both are committed to the relationship.

Avoiding Marriage

If you’re itching to get married and your partner resists, it’s easy to assume there’s a problem with the relationship or that your partner isn’t fully committed to you. These issues could indicate that it’s time to consider moving on. But there are myriad other reasons people are uncomfortable with marriage that have nothing to do with the relationship. Cohabitation is an increasingly popular option; one 2013 study found that 32% of couples chose long-term cohabitation over marriage. Some reasons your partner might be uninterested in marriage include:

The Role of Communication

As with so many other relationship issues, open and honest communication is the key to resolving disputes about marriage. You might assume you know your partner’s reason for avoiding marriage, but you don’t really know until you ask. Hearing that your partner is concerned that marriage might change the relationship will likely feel a lot better than simply assuming your partner doesn’t want to get married because he or she doesn’t love you.

And for partners who want to get married, explaining clearly and logically why you want to get married can make a big difference. The benefits of marriage include automatic paternal legitimation for children, significant tax benefits, and shared insurance. Pointing these out to your partner could help, but addressing his or her concerns is equally important. You might be able to come to an agreement about when you’ll reevaluate the marriage question and how you’ll address insecurities and relationship logistics in the meantime.

While you might feel hurt if your partner doesn’t want to marry you, it’s important to consider that marriage might mean something completely different to your partner. Consequently, it’s wise to focus on other ways to get your needs met rather than making marriage a deal-breaker. If, however, you can’t stay in a relationship that doesn’t end in marriage, trying to push the relationship toward marriage can cause it to fall apart. It might be better to end things now.

Addressing Potential Concerns

If you and your partner agree to live together without getting married, you’ll have the freedom to pick and choose which marriage benefits you want to take advantage of and which you want to avoid altogether. A simple contract, for example, can outline who owns what property and how it will be divided if you split up. And if you have a child together, you’ll need to ensure that both parents are listed on the birth certificate or that the nonbiological parent adopts the child. You won’t be able to get tax benefits, but you can still combine your lives in a way that works for both of you.

References:

  1. Aleccia, J. (2013, April 4). “The new normal”: Cohabitation on the rise, study finds. NBC News. Retrieved from http://www.nbcnews.com/health/new-normal-cohabitation-rise-study-finds-1C9208429?franchiseSlug=healthmain
  2. Roberts, S. (2013, April 9). Against marriage: A ring does not define a relationship. The XX Factor. Retrieved from http://www.slate.com/blogs/xx_factor/2013/04/09/the_case_against_marriage_a_ring_doesn_t_define_a_relationship.html
  3. Schwyzer, H. (2011, February 16). Why some men don’t want to get married. Alternet. Retrieved from http://www.alternet.org/story/149941/why_some_men_don’t_want_to_get_married

woman in therapy is feeling uneasyPremature termination with people in therapy happens with both seasoned and newly licensed therapists. In a study that talked about the therapeutic relationship and psychotherapy outcome, it shows that 20 to 57 percent of people in therapy do not return after the initial session (Lambert). Another 37 to 45 percent only attend therapy a total of two times (Schwartz). Sometimes these people leave without warning, but sometimes they do give some signs they won’t be returning, even if they do not directly explain them. Some will contact the therapists by email, will leave phone messages, or simply will not show up for their appointments. These people may come back much later, or not all. Many will also find a new therapist when they want to resume their therapy work.

There can be many reasons for this. I have had some people and personal contacts share some of their reasons with me. Here are some common reasons I’ve heard:

The ‘Can of Worms’

People realize therapy opened a bigger “can of worms” than they were prepared to handle. They say hindsight vision is 20/20. I wrote in my previous article, Helpful Tips to Make Therapy Most Effective for You, that one of the things to keep in mind during therapy is what you want to achieve or gain in therapy. Sometimes we don’t always know, even when we are posed that question. We can identify that we are struggling in some area of our life, or we are in some pain either emotionally or mentally, and we want some relief. We find the therapist we have a good connection with, make the appointment, and go in for our sessions.

Sometimes, we never know what to expect. Some have really good results; others have light-bulb moments with increased insight. Some, however, are taken aback by the depth of therapy, and they realized they didn’t want to go further at that time. One particularly candid response I heard from someone in this position was, “it was just too hard and painful at the time, and I just didn’t want to see what else was there.”

Subconscious Resistance

I don’t often hear people in therapy say, “I don’t think I’m ready to continue with this issue.” Sometimes other reasons come up, which is known as resistance. Therapy can provide wonderful possibilities, benefits, and outcomes, but occasionally we still resist the experience. This may be because of fear of success, failure, feeling overwhelmed by truth, fear of the unknown, or simply overwhelming emotions.

Therapeutic Breach

Misunderstandings, miscommunications, and impasses can often happen between therapists and people in therapy during the treatment duration. In the study mentioned earlier, the top reason people dropped out of therapy after the initial session was dissatisfaction with the therapist, or the feeling that the therapist didn’t really “get” them. There can be both competent and unprofessional behaviors found in all professions, and this is holds true in the therapy world. Further, even with the best training and the heart to serve people, the best therapists are not omnipotent, nor will they be perfect in their approach.

Many interventions are chosen according to what the person in therapy presents. Some will make unintentional mistakes or misunderstand what people meant. Therapy is not like getting a medical exam. There is no therapeutic equivalent to getting blood drawn, waiting for it to be studied, then receiving a detailed evaluation and report. The journey of healing through therapy must be a collaborative effort to be effective. If or when a therapeutic breach happens, a person may choose to drop out prematurely, or avoid the elephant in the room—the elephant being that there’s something hindering your therapeutic growth; you can feel it’s there but you are not able to talk about it. Alternatively, the person in treatment and therapist could have a dialogue, which can offer the most constructive growth for both parties. Often, however, it’s difficult to initiate that dialogue.

Giving Feedback

Healing in therapy is not just about getting results and meeting goals; it is also about the process of the therapeutic relationship. It is about how things unfold as you are exploring issues with your therapist. Therefore, sometimes constructive feedback is needed from people in therapy to minimize impasses and misunderstandings. This proactive approach can itself be a reflection of significant growth. For example, let’s say this person has relational difficulties, such as discussing vulnerable feelings. This is a wonderful opportunity to practice giving constructive feedback, which the person can then apply to other relationships. A competent therapist will often be very receptive to constructive feedback at any time during the sessions.

Readiness for therapy often comes at a point where people experience greater pain and discomfort by remaining personally stagnant than by initiating small adjustments in life to feel better in the long run. While there is no exact time frame for those lasting changes to occur, that readiness provides that platform for real growth to occur. The key is consistency. Premature termination sometimes cuts that opportunity short, despite improvements thus far in therapy sessions. Therapy, no matter the duration, is not a pass-or-fail experience, but rather an opportunity for positive growth with the right therapist.

References:

  1. Lambert, M., J. & Barley, D., E. (2001). Research Summary on the therapeutic relationship and psychotherapy outcome. Psychotherapy, 38, 4, 357-361.
  2. Schwartz, Bernard, PhD and Flowers, John, PhD. (2010). How therapists fail: Why too many clients drop out of therapy prematurely. Impact Publishers.
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