Have you ever tried to shed an old, troublesome habit? Ever made a New Year’s resolution you couldn’t keep? If so, welcome to the human race. And welcome to your brain.

We Are Creatures of Habit

A few weeks ago, I made a mixture of nuts and dried fruit and settled in for a few minutes of television in the evening. The next night, I did the same. By the third night, I was craving the nuts as I contemplated watching a show I had recorded. I was astonished how quickly I had developed the nutty TV habit. I felt like Pavlov’s dog, salivating when the bell rang. Or, in my case, salivating as I thought of TV, now associated with my new favorite snack.

While on the first night I was genuinely hungry, by the third I was eating out of habit, mindlessly heading to the nuts even though I was still pretty full from dinner. Neuroscience gives us insight into the power of habit in our lives—and why we can become victims of our own habitual behaviors.

The Anatomy of Habit

Everything we do, feel, or think is reflected in circuits of neurons in our brains. Neurons, or brain cells, communicate with each other at a gap, called the synapse. One neuron releases chemicals—neurotransmitters—into the synaptic space, where it is picked up by the receptors of the next neuron. There are billions of neurons in the human brain; each neuron connects with up to 10,000 other neurons, resulting in trillions of synaptic connections. These interconnected neurons become circuits that underlie our habits.

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The more we do something—eat nuts while watching TV, ride a bike, play an instrument, study a new language—the stronger the neuronal circuit becomes that supports that habit. Donald Hebb, a Canadian neuroscientist in the 1940s, noted that once a circuit of neurons is formed, when one neuron fires, the others fire as well—strengthening the whole circuit. This has come to be known as Hebbian theory: “Neurons that fire together wire together.” Circuits of neurons maintain our habits, and our habits strengthen those neuronal circuits. The bio-behavioral influence goes both ways.

You Are What You Do

Scientists have shown that experience changes the connection between neurons. Everything you do changes your brain. If I continue my nightly TV-with-nuts ritual, that habit will become “wired” into my neuronal circuits. My behavior will change the structure of my brain. This is a rather sobering thought. From this perspective, you are what you do … so be careful what you do!

The more you do something, the more likely you are to do it in the future. The habit-driven brain doesn’t distinguish between good and problematic behaviors; it just builds repeated behaviors, thoughts, and feelings into stronger and stronger neuronal circuits. So what’s a person to do? Are we doomed to live on automatic pilot, driven by our lower brain and our habits?

While my nuts-and-TV behavior affects only me, other habits can cause damage to relationships. If I repetitively treat my husband with disrespect, that behavior becomes a part of who I am in the relationship. And it may evoke a less-than-ideal response in him, creating a negative relational dance that can erode our bond. We then become victims of our own relationship behaviors.

Prisoners of Our Habits?

We do have a choice: We can mindlessly play out problematic behaviors over and over again, becoming essentially prisoners of our own habits. Or we can step back, use our higher brains, and reflect on our actions. After three nights of my new TV-nuts habit, I realized I was acting like an automaton, and I didn’t like it. So I made a choice, using my prefrontal cortex, the part of my brain that allows me to think about what I do. I thought about the extra calories and, more importantly, the fact I didn’t want to engage in mindless eating. I stopped my habit in its tracks. Now if I decide to eat nuts, it’s when I’m actually hungry, not because I’m Pavlov’s salivating dog.

In my marriage, I work hard not to act mindlessly or to get caught up in habits of emotional reactivity. I try to think about my higher goals and to behave in accordance with my values. I don’t have to be a prisoner of my automatic response. I have learned to pause, take a breath, and think about how I want to be in my relationship. I have the power to choose, and the ability to change when I fall into thoughtless relational habits.

We Are Creatures of Change and Adaptation

It turns out that although we are creatures of habit, humans are also creatures of change and adaptation. Our brains are constantly changing in response to our changing environment. Our adaptability is the secret to our success as a species. The challenge is to harness our adaptability and use it toward positive ends, to make choices about who we want to be in our world.

You don’t have complete freedom to create yourself; you do come with genetic gifts and limitations, or temperament. But you have a lot more power to become the person you want to be than you might think. You are not predetermined by your genes. The secret is neuroplasticity, the ability of the brain to change.

Until a decade or so ago, neuroscientists thought that neuroplasticity was possible only in children’s brains. Indeed, the young brain is highly adaptable and shaped by experience, changing and growing with the nurturance (or lack of it) a child receives from parents and other caregivers. Everything is new to a young child; he or she absorbs it all, and is molded by the world around. (This is the nurture part of nature-and-nurture that makes us who we are.)

In recent years, scientists have made the amazing discovery that the adult brain is also plastic (changeable); we can learn and grow—changing our brains in the process—throughout life. And, it turns out, experience not only changes the connections between neurons, it affects the expression of genes. Genes are turned on or off by experience and environment (this is called epigenetics).

This remarkable new perspective on the adult brain’s capacity for change is heartening to those of us who want to keep growing and learning as we age. It is empowering to know that we can change bad habits and learn new skills throughout life; we don’t have to be victims of our past or of our genes. But it’s much harder for the adult brain to change than the child’s brain. With all of our wired-in habits, we have to work at what comes naturally to the young child.

Neuroplasticity Is a Double-Edged Sword

Neuroplasticity is responsible for both habits and change. Since everything you do changes your brain, you can get trapped in habits by doing them over and over—or you can make a decision to change those habits, choose a new path, and create new habits that are more in keeping with your values. You can live mindlessly, on automatic pilot. Or you can choose a different path and live in a more mindful way. The choice is yours.

Thanks for your question. I guess the simple and perhaps even smart-alecky answer would be, “Don’t talk about politics and stick to sports!” I have very good friends who disagree with me politically and we are so passionate about our respective views that we simply agree to disagree. With others, I find it a little easier to have a more moderately tempered exchange; for example, I have a college buddy on Facebook who has drifted to the opposite end of the spectrum as me, but he has a sense of humor and pokes fun at my “side” and we have a good-natured sparring relationship about it. I could not do that with everyone.

But on a broader and philosophical level, your question points to a very psychologically significant phenomenon—related to change and, perhaps, loss.

The sometimes jarring fact of the matter is people change. There are friends from my past, as I sit here in middle age, whom I would no longer recognize. Some I am happy to stay in touch with via Facebook, and some I just can’t find common ground with anymore. A lot of this is about the present: the ongoing, indestructible present moment, which creates a context around what remains in common today. And other than a shared past, there are some with whom we just don’t share much in common anymore. Sometimes a new place—geographically, emotionally—can change a person, which changes his or her relationships. Sounds like your friend has changed for reasons that, I’m guessing, have little to do with you, but do affect the friendship.

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We all exist in a particular context, often fleeting, ever shifting. (This would be related to what Buddhists call “groundlessness.”) In the case of your friend, you and he shared some very intense experiences in a common setting, but obviously things have changed in more complicated ways than can be assessed by the human eye. It sounds to me like you would have to make an adjustment to “fit” this new situation by listening to the “jibber jabber” of your friend’s politics. Perhaps these politics have become important to him for some reason that blocks more friendly relating. Could you ask him to drop this as a topic? Or is life too short to even bother at this point?

I was curious about the notion of an “obligation” to him, and I think that warrants further investigation. Why “obligation”? What are the risks of not following this new “requirement”? My sense is that not staying obligated might bring with it a loss of a kind that could be symbolic for you: for example, this friend was like a brother, and losing him might be related to experiencing a brotherly loss of a kind. Maybe you feel you’ve lost too many “friends” lately. Is there a loneliness losing him might touch on? Or perhaps there are people in your life like him, and for some reason you feel like you “owe” it to them to stay uncomfortable listening to opinions that seriously clash with yours. There is something abrasive about feeling “forced” to listen to political opinions that don’t jibe with yours; it sounds as if it might be more of a monologue than a conversation. “Fun for one,” as a friend likes to say. It does you no good to force yourself in such situations. I suppose you could try to “understand” his positions, if you’re interested, but that’s a lot of work on your part, and it may or may not be worth it.

More importantly, why hold on to this particular friendship if it’s no longer fun or friendly? It sounds like your college pal now wants your audience as more than a friend, from what you’ve said. Assuming he’s going to cling to his political points of view, what purpose does it serve by pretending a friendship is there that has changed or even faded away? I get a sad feeling while writing this, since people do come in and then out of our lives in a way that can spark specific feelings in us, depending on who we are and how we process these experiences.

In short, see if getting politics out of the equation helps, or if by continuing this friendship you are staving off inevitable feelings of loss that, unfortunately, are as difficult in life as connections are rewarding. You seem like a nice, considerate fellow, and I’m hoping there are people in your life whom you can spend more time with, rather than forcing a situation that no longer suits your particular context. Thank you for writing!

Best wishes,
Darren

The death of a child is one of the most difficult and traumatic events that a parent can encounter, one that will shape emotional experiences over the lifespan. Parents will encounter a wide range of emotions that will, in most cases, fundamentally change who they are. They will experience not only intense grief but also regret, remorse, and guilt about not being able to protect their child.

The emotions experienced by parents with regard to the loss of a child are due, in large part, to individual and social beliefs about parenting and the roles of parents. The death of a child erases what many parents view as a fundamental certainty: that they will outlive their children. Although there are no certainties in life, the assumption that a parent will outlive his or her child is one that is clearly taken for granted. Further, because a parent’s identity is integrally tied to his or her child, the death will alter the way the parent looks at and experiences the world. Children change the way parents look at the world and themselves. A child’s identity often becomes an integral part of the parent’s lived experiences, views on life, and personal understanding. Thus, when a child is lost, a significant part of the parent can be lost as well.

The death of a child, to many, may seem like an insurmountable event. Parents may experience extreme difficulty in moving on and may, for a long time, be unable to connect with others. Parents may choose to isolate themselves and, for a time, this may be helpful. However, parents are social beings who sooner or later will need to reconnect with the world around them, either through work or through their community. When this does not occur naturally, help and support from a counselor may be needed to help the parent come to terms with the loss and to begin the healing process.

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The healing process may also include other activities that are integral to the well-being of the parent as part of a larger social community. As a parent begins to heal, he or she may seek out relationships, and, in time, may decide to marry or have additional children. For some, the prospect of having another deeply emotional relationship may seem too difficult. For others, these relationships may provide an important support for coping and healing. The decisions made by the parent should be respected, as each person will need to come to terms with loss in his or her own way. By enabling parents to grieve in the best way they see fit, true healing can occur.

The decision to marry following the death of a child is one that is deeply personal and requires the parent to consider his or her emotional state and readiness for this transition. Again, it is important to remember that each individual grieves in his or her own way. Some parents will be ready and able to move on with their lives before others. Accepting this and recognizing differences in grieving will help parents and their supporters to come to terms with personal decisions made following the death of a child. No matter what decisions are made, they must be respected by others and viewed as part of the healing process.

Parents experiencing emotional distress or uncertainty after the loss of a child should seek the help of a professional counselor to help them understand their emotions and to make positive choices moving forward. The help and support of counselors should also be sought if the individual is experiencing emotions that are detrimental to personal well-being and health (such as suicidal ideation, depression, etc.). The decision to marry following the death of a child carries with it the possibility for additional loss through divorce. Therefore, making this decision with proper support is advisable.

As a psychotherapist, I am often asked why some people change and some don’t. This is a great question, one that most therapists think about all the time.

A person I treat who is deeply into therapy recently confessed that she was exhausted from working on herself. YES! If you’ve ever tried to change anything about yourself, you know it is hard. It takes a lot of sustained effort to make most changes; just the act of intense self-observation can feel like hard work.

In my experience, the most important factor is motivation. Your husband or mom wanting you to change may be a motivator, but if you don’t believe you need to make the change, it’s going to be hard to muster the effort required to make it happen.

Let’s look at some examples. Suppose you have gained 20 pounds (most of us can relate!) and are going to a wedding in three months, so you want to look your best. This is strong motivation, and though you may be able to find the discipline to lose the weight in the short term, what will happen after the wedding? For most of us, if the motivation is not strong enough, we will start to slowly balloon after the event because the motivation no longer serves us.

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A more successful long-term change will need to incorporate a deeper motivation and will require you to look seriously at yourself and think about deep-seated beliefs, patterns, and expectations. You will probably need to line up some support from family and community. It will also require you to thoughtfully revise your behavior, anticipate challenges, and gradually practice new routines. That’s a lot to take on, and not everyone is prepared to do the work.

Suppose, for example, you have a phobia of driving across bridges. It may be possible to avoid going over bridges for much of your life by going on different routes, getting rides, or taking public transportation. Perhaps you have existed like this for years, and are used to—even comfortable with—these adjustments. Until it becomes a big enough problem for you, you may not be motivated to work through the steps needed to conquer this fear. For most, this would involve examining the fear, discussing it, and then gradually exposing yourself to the feared activity until you can tolerate it, and then you would need to keep practicing it until it becomes more of a new habit. That takes time and sustained effort.

So how do you motivate someone to change?

In general, when people feel pushed into change, they don’t like it! Inviting them to strengthen their resolve and soften the obstacles may yield more motivation and hence make the change process more likely to be effective and to stick.

As a change agent, I often use techniques offered in motivational interviewing (MI) to help intensify a person’s motivation to change. Originally developed as a more positive approach for treating addicted people, MI gently invites a person to challenge his or her own motivation and identify the obstacles in a self-determined way. This usually takes some time, so both change agent and the person attempting change will need to practice compassion and a lot of patience.

For more information about MI, click here.

“When you wish upon a star,
Makes no difference who you are.
Anything your heart desires
Will come to you.”

“When You Wish Upon a Star” is a song written by Leigh Harline and Ned Washington for Walt Disney’s 1940 adaptation of Pinocchio.

Over the past few years a relatively new tool has changed how people manage their own destinies. The tool, called a vision board, is created to represent in a visual manner what a person wants in life. The practice suggests that visualization can lead to the realization of goals. This is a helpful and therapeutic technique for people as they work on goal-oriented outcomes.

Vision boards are collages of images, photographs, and phrases glued or taped to a surface like a poster board. Your selection of items on your board typically represents the dreams you want to materialize in your life. The idea behind the board stems from the reasonable hypothesis that positive thinking leads to a positive outcome. Positive thinking is one result, but the process of creating an inspiring vision and working toward it creates the energetic vibration to manifest it.

We all can agree that a positive outlook is a precursor to positive results in one’s life, but how exactly can the imagery you choose on your board make things happen? The premise of this increasingly popular tool suggests that if you glue a picture of your favorite house from a magazine onto your vision board, you will enable the dream or fantasy to become a future reality. Your vision can be anything from a house to a new car, or something of a more personal nature like fostering a new relationship. All things on the board are what you want or what you are passionate about.

The vision board speaks to the fundamental principles of the Law of Attraction. The basic tenet offered by the Law of Attraction is that a person can attract anything into their lives by “being” more of the emotional vibration they wish to have. By choosing images or phrases the person can begin igniting their emotions with a passion that will lead inevitably to the manifestation of those things they desire.

[fat_widget_right]When working with clients, this can support them to focus on the positive emotions associated with those images. Therapists will inevitability have opportunities to work with whatever resistances come up and support people to work through them. Emotional Freedom Technique is one such method for working with resistance within the Law of Attraction principles.

The vision board has been popularized in recent years by the enormously successful publication of the book The Secret. The Secret, a best seller from 2006, is a self-help book written by Rhonda Byrne. The book is based on a film of the same name. Both the book and the film promote the Law of Attraction and the power of positive thinking. As the official website of The Secret states on its home page, “Everything is possible, nothing is impossible.” In the actual film, success expert John Assaraf tells his story of using vision boards to realize his dreams.

Its proponents from the self-help field have embraced the tool. Christine Bagley-Jones, a psychologist from Brisbane, sees vision boards as a motivational tool. “It’s not like the vision board itself has some magical properties. But it helps to create a platform for the individual to identify and conceptualize what they most want in life, and through their actions they can then manifest it.”

The tool has been adopted by a variety of disciplines in the self-help field, including art therapy. Advocates insist vision boards can help people build self-esteem, teach goal setting and prioritizing, and make individuals more proactive.

Carolyn Mehlomakulu, a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Registered Art Therapist, states on her Creativity in Therapy blog, “Through the process of choosing my images, I was able to clarify my goals and hopes, think about what I consider truly important in my life, open my mind to the possibility of having the life and business that I want, and inspire myself to keep moving forward.”

I also have a vision board that I’m always working on. It supports what I believe in, what I want to manifest in my life, and primarily how I want to feel. I also notice that my vision board has things on it that I don’t want on it—things I’m not interested in attracting: reminders, a phone list, a business card, etc. Note to self: keep your vision board clean of distractions! As you grow so will your vision board change and grow with you.

Not everyone is into the joy of creating their own vision boards. There are detractors who see the practice of using boards as counterproductive. Some argue that people who use vision boards spend too much time in the fantasy and not enough time establishing a realistic plan to achieve them. Troubled by the reliance on the cultural forced feedings of positivity, some thinkers see the energy in this area of thought as a waste of time.

Barbara Ehrenreich, a much respected writer, states, “Besides, the constant effort of maintaining optimism in the face of considerable counterevidence is just too damn much work. Optimism training, affirmations, and related forms of self-hypnosis are a burden that we can finally, in good conscience, set down. They won’t make you richer or healthier, and, as we should have learned by now, they can easily put you in harm’s way. The threats that we face, individually and collectively, won’t be solved by wishful thinking but by a clear-eyed commitment to taking action in the world.” Hard work has to be an integral part of the vision. Accepting the possibility of failure is equally important as it teaches significant life lessons.

It is how you use the board that matters. Working with resistances, enjoying the dream, and taking action are all part of the vision board process. It is clear that vision boards are valid tools with therapeutic value to a great many people. Equally apparent are the critics who claim users are only setting themselves up for failure if their vision boards become wallpaper.

The real answer lies more likely somewhere in between the opposing arguments. No one should ever tell anyone not to dream. Just remember there’s always some sweat and tears. The vision board is an expressive tool to support your “being” attractive in attracting the things you most desire.

I’ll leave you with this final quote from Bob Doyle:

“The sooner you can move from ‘trying to be’ to actually ‘being,’ the sooner you will see your desire fulfilled.”

References:

1. Loo, Tristan.How to Use a Vision Board to Activate the Law of Attraction. Retrieved from: http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/How_to_Use_a_Vision_Board_to_Activate_the_Law_of_Attraction.html. Retrieved on: 19/04/2014.
2. Byrne, Rhonda. The Secret. Retrieved from: http://thesecret.tv/. Retrieved on: 22/04/2014.
3. Doyle, B. (2011). “Follow Your Passion, Find Your Power.” Charlottesville, VA: Hampton Roads Publishing Company.
4. Body and Soul website. Why You Need a Vision Board. http://www.bodyandsoul.com.au/health/health+news/why+you+need+a+vision+board,29981. Retrieved on: 22/04/2014.
5. Mehlomakulu, Carolyn. Realizing the Future—Creating a Vision Board. Retrieved from: http://creativityintherapy.blogspot.ca/2013/02/realizing-future-creating-vision-board.html. Retrieved on: 21/04/2014.

Over the course of a decade working therapeutically with adolescents and their families, I have observed countless young people as they reach a highly anticipated milestone in their lives: turning 18. I have also observed the parents of all those young people as they attempt to adjust to the transition that occurs when their “baby” officially becomes an adult. It has been my experience that a child’s 18th birthday is an especially potent event for families, and the ways in which families respond to this event, for better or worse, can form the basis for the launching of their child into young adulthood.

Of course, we all know why the 18th birthday is a really big deal: it’s the one on which Western culture bestows young people with most of the rights they will enjoy for the rest of their lives. These rights include moving about at will without restrictions, curfews, or the like; choosing friends and partners of whom the parents may not approve; signing contracts such as military enlistments, marriage certificates, and leases; borrowing money via loans and credit cards; obtaining or declining medical and mental health care; and quitting or enrolling oneself in educational programs.

Along with those rights, a number of new responsibilities are also bestowed upon each young person on his or her 18th birthday. For example, the young adult must actually uphold any contract that is signed, including paying back loans and lines of credit. Another new responsibility is that, legally, a person—even one who is still in high school—is treated as an adult rather than a juvenile within the legal system. The 18-year-old’s behaviors and choices carry consequences that are far and above what they have ever before experienced.

With all of the cultural and personal implications that hang on the 18th birthday, it is no surprise that navigating this milestone can challenge families. This is an event that can change, literally overnight, the power balances, rules, and expectations between parents and children. Families may spend months or even years nervously anticipating this change; conversely, they may be blindsided by the realities of parenting a child in this brand-new context, and find themselves dealing with unexpected consequences.

In some families, the 18th birthday is treated as a full stop to adolescence, and the newly minted adult is expected to (or believes he/she is ready and able to) immediately begin fulfilling many adult-like roles. The adult child may be expected to, for example, begin paying rent to the parents, purchase his or her own vehicle, or find a full-time job.

In other families, the cultural and legal implications of a child’s 18th birthday are treated as irrelevant inside the family fold; the family attempts to keep everything regarding their child, from rules and curfews to roles and communication styles, exactly the same as before.

In still other families, both the anticipation and actual event of a child turning 18 can become a flashpoint for family upheaval and conflicts. The newly adult child may use turning 18 as a springboard for rebellious or ill-advised shows of independence. Likewise, the parents may threaten the adult child with being kicked out, losing financial help, or other withdrawals of support in an attempt to enforce compliance with rules and expectations.

The “real world” is at once enticing and terrifying for emerging adults.

Many young adults have described feeling as if they’ve been thrown into the deep end of a pool once it sinks in that they are truly considered adults, and may often feel quite unprepared to meet the demands of the “real world.” At the same time, they are excited to flex some of their new independence and privileges, and may at times feel driven to act out adult-like roles and scripts the moment that they have the legal ability to do so.

One primary reason for this is that at 18, the young person’s brain is continuing to develop and does not yet function as a fully mature brain does. The brain’s reward system, governing the way that novelty- and pleasure-reinforcing neurotransmitters such as dopamine are released, peaks in activity in the late teen years. The prefrontal cortex—which aids with decision making, problem solving, and impulse inhibition—is not at its full level of function until the mid-twenties. The fact is, a young adult on his or her 18th birthday is not magically wiser, more resourceful, or more emotionally mature than he or she was the day before, and won’t think and act like a fully mature adult until a few years later.

To complicate the picture, there are almost always needs and dependencies that persist between the 18-year-old and his or her parents. For example, an 18-year-old who is still in high school cannot work full time even if he or she wanted to, and even those out of high school usually continue to be financially dependent. Shared health insurance, car insurance, family cell phone plans, and other matters of money and information mean that negotiating the leading edge of your child’s independence can be tricky at best.

Although we in Western societies now experience a more extended period of adolescent development and dependence than ever before, and although we are now more aware of the realities of brain development, the fact is that 18 continues to be the age of majority in the United States. The mismatch between the legal freedoms and the young person’s capacity to exercise them responsibly can create rough waters for families to navigate. Power struggles that exist between the child and the parents around the time of the child’s 18th birthday can quickly escalate into the child threatening to leave, and/or the parents threatening to kick the child out. The child may choose to do things that are legally acceptable, but are not acceptable to the parents who support him or her.

Every family will handle this transition differently, according to its own unique set of strengths, expectations, and history. However, there are a few rules of thumb that parents can keep in mind which may assist them in managing this major milestone.

The boundary around the family must be flexible—neither too diffuse nor too rigid.

First and foremost, resist the urge to threaten to kick your child out. The subject of your young adult child leaving home will often arise sometime within the months around his or her 18th birthday. You may find your child saying things like, “I don’t like your rules. I should go live with my friend where they don’t have these rules.” Often, by talking about (or threatening to) move out, the child is testing out ideas about being an adult, without any actual intention of following through on those ideas. The 18-year-old usually does not have the experience, wisdom, or resources to leave the home in a safe or well-planned way—and he or she knows it.

If your child does threaten to leave home, as the parent it is imperative that your response be one of reassurance that the child is still a part of the family and that the family home continues to be his or her home. Remember that your 18-year-old is struggling to adjust his or her self-concept to include adult-like roles, and mentally trying some of these on for size is developmentally normative. However, when parents respond to limit-testing behaviors by threatening to kick the child out of the home, the child feels insecure about the stability of the family system and his or her role in it; the boundaries become diffuse and the child becomes unsure about whether he or she can count on remaining a part of the family on which he or she remains largely dependent.

Another problem with parents threatening to kick the child out is that systems under stress tend to escalate to the most intense point of conflict during each conflict cycle. Once parents introduce the possibility of kicking the child out, it is likely to become incorporated into every argument that follows—either by the parents or by the child in anticipation of the parents’ threat. This escalation pattern severely disrupts the stability of the family system.

So it’s important that the boundary around who is in and who is out of the family system remains well-defined so that the young adult child feels secure about his or her place in the world long enough to figure out his or her next steps into adulthood. However, it is also important that the family boundary not be so rigid that it inhibits the child’s necessary practicing of adult-like behaviors in safe and appropriate ways. Families who refuse to allow their 18-year-old to make an increasing number of choices and reach increasing levels of independence can inhibit the development of responsibility, self-sufficiency, and life skills that the young adult child will soon need. Therefore, ongoing adjustments to certain family rules, such as curfews, jobs/bills, and friend/partner choices, are essential.

Use negotiation skills to co-create a new set of roles and rules that meet the needs of all family members.

How, then, can parents approach these transitions? One way to help your child learn how to be an adult is to treat him or her like one—at first emotionally, and later more practically. Speaking respectfully to your child, accepting his or her opinions as valid, and encouraging him or her to do the same to you are ways to introduce your child to adult-like, egalitarian relating. Negotiating new rules, privileges, and responsibilities together—“family meetings” are helpful for this—allows both the parents and the child to mutually create adjustments to the rules that are thoughtful, sensible, and predictable. Many families find it helpful to write down the new rules and display them in the home so that all parties remember them (and remember that they agreed to them!).

If any family member feels that the current rules and expectations are not working, they can call a new family meeting at any time to review and possibly revise them. If parents and child reach an impasse, try to be as creative as possible to find ways to meet the needs of all family members. Young adults may be happy to agree to increasing levels of responsibility in the home in exchange for increasing levels of trust and privilege. The family members should keep in mind that flexibility, communication, and negotiation with a goal of mutual agreement will take them smoothly through this period of transition.

It can be helpful for these discussions to begin well before the 18th birthday, so that there is plenty of time for the family members to think ahead, anticipate, and become mentally ready for the changes to the power balance and expectations that will likely occur. A discussion that occurs over the course of weeks or months is more likely to involve all family members, cover more contingencies and “what-ifs,” and result in a smoother transition through the actual birthday.

However, it is never too late. If you find yourself with a child who is already 18, or even 19 or 20, and are experiencing a difficult family adjustment into your child’s young adulthood, it is still advisable to approach your child and create an open dialogue about the rules and roles in the family.

We are familiar with the grief associated with death. Denial, anger, and acceptance are part of the grieving process as it pertains to death. But what about grief that is unconnected to death? What about the loss and grief that occurs with expected and even happy events?

A few years ago, at a friend’s wedding, I was surprised to find her mother sobbing in the restroom. She was happy for her daughter and liked her son-in-law, but she was pained by the loss of her daughter. She was grieving the transition of her relationship with her daughter, who was no longer fully hers. Her daughter’s primary relationship was now the one she shared with her new husband. While her mother did celebrate and have joy for her daughter, she also had sorrow and grief for her own loss and transition. But she had no place to put her grief.

Marriage and partnerships, moving, new jobs, and graduations are often joyous occasions that we readily share and celebrate with others. We have traditions associated with these transitions in life. There are weddings and housewarming parties and happy hours organized to commemorate these events. But there aren’t any traditions or processes to acknowledge and assist with the natural grief and loss that comes along with these occasions and transitions.

As it does following the death of a loved one, grief during joyous occasions impacts all aspects of your life and of you. As a society, we have great traditions and markers of change, but we do not have ways to encourage and support people after the actual transition. What happens after the wedding ceremony or six months into the new job? What do you do with your sadness and grief about what you have lost even while you are happy or satisfied with what you have?

First, acknowledge the complexity of the situation. Identify the bittersweet emotions of enjoying your new job while simultaneously missing your old one. Grief is not solely comprised of pain. For example, even during the most tragic deaths there can be moments of joy and laughter during the funeral service. This speaks to the varied emotions associated with grief, the mix of pain with moments of pleasures.

Also, remember that grief is fluid and changes with time. The way you feel at the beginning point of change is different than in the following month, in six months, or years later. Your feelings of sadness, pain, fear, and loss transform and become less gripping and more integrated into you and your life. The grief and feelings of loss can recede over time.

One of the ways people get stuck in their grief—meaning it is unchanged and unmoving—is when they have no place to express it. Silent grief makes the process of grieving much worse. Being able to talk about the grief not only eases the pain but moves the process forward. Talking about and sharing the grief makes it possible to be sad but not stagnant.

Whenever you are in the midst of change and transition, consider what you are losing as well as what you are gaining. This is not to focus on the unpleasant or negative aspects of change, but rather to be more prepared when the inevitable feelings of loss and grief rise for you.

How do you navigate the intersection and bitter sweetness of joy and grief? How do you celebrate the newness while also recognizing and honoring what passed?

Many people may view young adulthood (defined here in the context of age, typically 18 to 25) as one of the most exciting times in a person’s life. Many young adults are graduating from high school and heading off to college—or graduating college and heading into employment. Some young adults are working full-time jobs and getting full-time paychecks for the first time.

Numerous opportunities lie before these young, vibrant individuals. Some are moving out of their parents’ homes and experiencing a new-found freedom—no curfew, no one nagging them to do chores, etc. Young adults are often making their own rules, and more importantly, they are expected to make their own decisions.

Within the transition of “kid” to “adult” lies a multitude of variables that influence how a young person is defined, almost overnight. The change in how a young adult is described semantically (“kid” vs. “adult”) implies and may even dictate expectations. For example, “kids” are not necessarily expected to be employed and earn money to take care of themselves, whereas employment is expected by society for “adults.”

[fat_widget_right]Society has an expectation that young adults graduating high school should have not only decided which college to attend (prior to graduating from high school), but should also have chosen their major, which may dictate the career/employment that will financially sustain them until retirement. Young adults may also feel the pressure or expectation of finding the “perfect” job—or at least one that will pay the rent. This is not so easy in today’s economy.

Yes, the context of a young adult’s life can seemingly—and sometimes literally—change overnight. This change or transition can result in depression or increased anxiety expressed in the form of inability to make decisions or lack of motivation.

Although these new responsibilities and expectations are necessary in becoming a productive and self-sustaining individual, a degree of mindfulness and compassion for young adults should be practiced by parents, caretakers, and mentors. Society may sometimes take for granted that once an individual hits a certain age or reaches a certain milestone, such as high school or college graduation, he or she automatically gets this magical system upgrade and knows how to be an adult. While some individuals glide through this transition, others may have some difficulty.

So how can parents, caretakers, and mentors support this transition? Here are some tips:

1. Acknowledge this important life transition. Don’t take it for granted.
2. Give permission to make mistakes. Young adults are making important decisions about their futures for the first time, and they need to know they do not have to make perfect choices.
3. Be a sounding board without judgment. Give advice only if advice is solicited. Though usually well-intentioned by the advice giver, sometimes the advice receiver can perceive it as doubt in his or her decisions.
4. Step back and let young adults make choices and decisions, even if they appear stuck. If you make decisions for them, it may impede this new decision-making skill that is now required.
5. Consider counseling. Having an outside third party to talk to may be beneficial for young adults who are expressing difficulty with the expectations of this life transition, especially if it is resulting in significant depression or anxiety.

Remember, even those who have been practicing adulthood for decades struggle from time to time. Mindfulness and gentle guidance are keys to support.

Tornado season is well underway, initiated this year by the recent tornado in Moore, Oklahoma, but severe storms and natural disasters can happen at any time. These events leave residents devastated and entire communities completely decimated. Round-the-clock news coverage tends to fade afterward, making it easy to forget about these events altogether. But for the people who survive massive disasters, the consequences last much longer than the news cycle, and extend much deeper than property damage and scrapes.

Shock

In the immediate aftermath of a natural disaster, the first reaction is often a combination of shock and denial. Sometimes this can make it challenging to take the necessary steps to begin picking up the pieces—calling insurance, assessing what property was lost, even finding temporary housing. But shock tends to give way to much stronger feelings, which can hit days, weeks, or months after a disaster strikes.

Feelings of Insecurity

Home is a place that most people spend their entire lives believing is a place of safety and refuge. But when a storm comes tearing through your house, this security can go out the window. People who have survived storms may experience nightmares, anxiety, extreme concerns about storm safety, or obsessive preparation to avoid the next disaster. The insecurity can be especially pronounced in children, who may feel constantly unsafe.

Posttraumatic Stress

Extreme stress is common in the aftermath of a storm. But when it persists for months, it can lead to posttraumatic stress (PTSD). People with PTSD may experience flashbacks to the storms, panic attacks, an extreme startle reflex, persistent avoidance of things that remind them of the storm, and anxiety and depression. PTSD can also interfere with a person’s ability to control emotions, leading to angry outbursts or crying spells, for example.

Other Mental Health Conditions

PTSD isn’t the only long-term consequence of surviving a natural disaster. For people already experiencing a mental illness, a traumatic event can make symptoms worse. And for others, a natural disaster can spark depression, extreme stress, generalized anxiety, eating and food issues, obsessive-compulsion, and a host of other problems. Sometimes these issues arise as a result of a person’s attempts to control the environment after a storm takes away control.

Effects on First Responders

Storm survivors aren’t the only people who suffer when a natural disaster hits. People who are on the scene at the time of the storm or who witness the immediate aftermath—including first responders such as police officers and fire fighters as well as the media—can also experience psychological symptoms. They could be haunted by people they were unable to save, by images of injured people, or by the massive nature of the destruction. Some witnesses may even feel guilt that someone else’s home or life was destroyed but theirs wasn’t. The symptoms for witnesses and first responders are often the same, including PTSD, depression, and other mental health conditions, and people who are present in the aftermath of a storm may need as much help and support as the victims.

References:

1. Hellmich, N. (2013, May 21). Kids who survived tornado face emotional after-effects. USA Today. Retrieved from usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2013/05/21/psychologist-impact-kids-disasters/2346773/
2. Pearson, C. (2013, May 21). Oklahoma tornado PTSD: How survivors are coping. The Huffington Post. Retrieved from huffingtonpost.com/2013/05/21/oklahoma-tornado-ptsd_n_3314640.html
3. Rossi, B. (n.d.). The psychological aftermath of the Oklahoma tornados. WSJ This Morning RSS. Retrieved from blogs.wsj.com/wsjam/2013/05/22/the-psychological-aftermath-of-the-oklahoma-tornados/

At the heart of this therapeutic approach is a focus on human connection, since the underlying theory in reality therapy posits that human relationships are the most vital of the five basic needs we must satisfy to be happy and fulfilled. The remaining four needs include: survival or self preservation, achievement, independence or freedom, and fun.

This approach is founded on the belief that individuals choose many of their behaviors in order to satisfy these needs, which are innate. Therapy provides the opportunity for an exploration of the degree to which a person in therapy’s needs are being met.

A problematic relationship, past or present, is thought to be the major source of a person’s presenting problems. The relationship could be one of many—for example, with one’s significant other, sibling, parent, child, friend, teacher, colleague, or boss. The goal of reality therapy is to support people in identifying the problematic relationship, assist them to evaluate how their behavior may be helping or hurting, and to give them tools to reconnect in a healthy way.

As a school counselor and therapist, I utilize reality therapy concepts both with adults and children and find them exceptionally useful in gathering immediate, vital data about the person. I especially like that reality therapy has an artistic/drawing component that helps people feel less threatened and more able to access and evaluate behaviors and emotions than might be possible using a traditional therapeutic approach.

Discovering One’s ‘Quality World’

Exploration of the person’s quality world provides both clinician and person in therapy valuable information. One’s quality world is unique to each person and is essentially that place inside us that holds a vision (pictures) of all that is most important to us. Among many, the pictures may include our homes, special people, places we hope to visit, hobbies and interests, our religious or spiritual practices. Quality world pictures depict present circumstances and dreams for the future. Quality world pictures may reflect things we presently possess or long for in the future; other pictures may indicate what we have relinquished hope of manifesting (the adult who always wanted to play the violin, go to Paris, learn a language, or have a baby; or the child who wished he could be a better student but has given up).

I have never found an adult or child who was not eager to depict their quality world when invited to do so. I generally describe the quality world as I have above, and I give a few examples of the pictures in my own to help people understand what I am asking of them. The simplest way is for people to use a piece of paper and either draw symbols to represent a specific want, or write a word that represents it. I encourage them to be as creative as they’d like. There is no wrong way to do the exercise.

Living One’s Quality World

In as little as 10 or 15 minutes, the counselor or therapist can learn the most important and desired aspects of the person’s inner world. The counselor or therapist also learns what the person is lacking—for example, the child whose quality world depicts no friends, or no parents. People are invited to talk about their words and symbolic representations and this provokes a rich dialogue and the beginning of a close connection between person in therapy and clinician. It also helps people to reflect on and appreciate what they have, as well as to evaluate their goals, the probability of their success, and the action they are taking to attain them.

What impresses me most about reality therapy is that it is an effective and collaborate approach for multiple environments (schools, businesses, counseling, and therapy). Some of my child clients even go home and use reality therapy concepts they learn with me on mom and dad. It helps people to be accountable and teaches them skills that are empowering and easy to share with others.

What happens to a relationship when one person changes?

“Vanessa” is on a path of self-discovery and change, but that does not mean that her husband, “Mark,” is on the same path. Nor does it mean he wants Vanessa to be on that path or to change who she is. Many times I see couples who come to therapy because someone has changed. “Vanessa didn’t used to be this way,” Mark said. “When we were first married, she liked staying home and watching television. I don’t know what happened.” Complaints like Marks are often more than criticism: in Gottman’s terms, most recurring conflicts are failed bids for connection. Underneath “I don’t know what happened” is usually a quieter question – “Do I still matter to you?”

When you are in a committed marriage or partnership, it stands to reason that you will change. Can you imagine being the same person at age 55 as you were at age 25? But what do you do when your changes and journey do not match up with where your partner is or what they desires? What if you find yourselves on different paths?

Research shows that personal growth goals have become increasingly important in modern marriages, with couples expecting relationships to provide not only support and bonding but also an environment that nurtures both partners’ individual development. However, when one person changes significantly, it can create challenges that require intentional navigation.

First, acknowledge the change. Talk about the elephant in the room. Not only is it OK to tell your partner about the changes that you are making in your life, it is imperative to do so. An intimate relationship is about two people and what they create together. In order to keep the health of your relationship and respect it, you must speak to your partner about what is going on for you. Your partner needs to know about the personal changes that you are making, as they affect your marriage. Because these personal changes are long-lasting, not fads or temporary, it will require that the couple have multiple conversations over an extended period. This ongoing conversation may last months and even years.

Couples therapy research bears this out: in a 2024 trial of integrative behavioral couple therapy, strengthening constructive communication went hand in hand with better marital adjustment. Carol Dweck’s work on mindset offers a useful frame for these ongoing conversations—growth minded couples treat communication as an act of curiosity rather than a performance to be managed.

Second, check in with your spouse. Ask about his or her feelings and needs. Yes, you may be changing, but you also need to tend to the needs of your relationship and your partner. What does your partner need during your process of change? While you may be changing and growing, being in a committed and intimate relationship means that the needs of your partner are essential to you. Considering what they need must be part of your process as well.

Third, determine if you or your spouse is growing in different directions. Notice that I did not say “growing apart” but “growing in different directions.” If you are in a long-term relationship, it makes sense that you and your partner will not always be focused on the same thing at the same time. There will be differences even if there were not previously. Acknowledging that you are on different paths and that you have different goals and desires is helpful to your relationship. Once you acknowledge this, you can take the necessary steps to maintain the health of your relationship. In the Gottman model, this is the work of “making life dreams come true”-a level of the Sound Relationship House in which each partner actively supports the other’s goals, orienting away from self-interest and toward the advancement of the other.

Personal growth within a partnership is best understood as a mutual evolution: each person flourishing independently while the couple grows together. Healthy boundaries in relationships foster individuality and personal space that is critical for both partners’ growth and well-being, allowing each partner to mature, discover their interests, and pursue their goals.

Finally, be respectful of your relationship or marriage. Just because you have different goals or desires does not mean that you cannot be together. It does mean that you need to be more active and conscious about tending to your relationship. When clients see me for couples therapy, my first statement is that their relationship is my primary client and I work for what is best in that relationship.

What does your relationship need to stay strong even if you are making personal and individual changes? Does it need time and attention? Does your relationship need activities that are special and specific to you and your partner? What can remain the same and unchanged that you both enjoy? What compromises do you and your partner need to make? These are a sampling of questions to ask yourself and for you to discuss with your spouse/partner if you want to navigate personal growth while also tending to and allowing your relationship to grow.

A solid and healthy marriage is about how effectively couples can support each other in becoming the best versions of themselves, creating a balanced ecosystem where individual growth and collective happiness coexist and reinforce each other.

*If you are experiencing significant relationship distress, consider seeking support from a qualified mental health professional. The information in this article is not intended to replace professional counseling or therapy.*

To find a therapist who can help you navigate relationship changes, visit our Find a therapist directory.

© Copyright 2026 GoodTherapy.org. All rights reserved.

*The preceding article was solely written by the author named above. Any views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the preceding article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment below.*

• Capozzi, F. (2025). A research-driven flowchart to approach change in couples. Frontiers in Psychology, 15. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2024.1438394
• Christi-Degen, N., Preißler, S., & Kröger, C. (2024). Effects of integrative behavioral couple therapy on communication patterns and marital adjustment. Frontiers in Psychology, 15. PMC11414875
• Li, X., Lamis, E., & Chan, W. (2024). Dual-earner couples’ sharing of work-related experiences: Effects on relational and personal well-being. Applied Psychology: Health and Well-Being. https://doi.org/10.1111/aphw.12574
• Strauss Cohen, I. (2024). The role of individual growth in marital happiness. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/your-emotional-meter/202404/the-role-of-individual-growth-in-marital-happiness
• Wittenborn, A., et al. (2023). Couple therapy in the 2020s: Current status and emerging developments. Journal of Family Therapy. PMC10087549

References:

1. Capozzi, F. (2025). A research-driven flowchart to approach change in couples. Frontiers in Psychology, 15. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2024.1438394
2. Christi-Degen, N., Preißler, S., & Kröger, C. (2024). Effects of integrative behavioral couple therapy on communication patterns and marital adjustment. Frontiers in Psychology, 15. PMC11414875
3. Li, X., Lamis, E., & Chan, W. (2024). Dual-earner couples’ sharing of work-related experiences: Effects on relational and personal well-being. Applied Psychology: Health and Well-Being. https://doi.org/10.1111/aphw.12574
4. Strauss Cohen, I. (2024). The role of individual growth in marital happiness. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/your-emotional-meter/202404/the-role-of-individual-growth-in-marital-happiness
5. Wittenborn, A., et al. (2023). Couple therapy in the 2020s: Current status and emerging developments. Journal of Family Therapy. PMC10087549

Transitions: What Are They? Why Are They Difficult for Children with Autism?
A transition occurs when there is some sort of change to the parameters of an activity or situation, such as going from one activity to a different activity or changing plans. For example, going from playing computer to doing homework, riding the school bus home, going on vacation, going out for ice cream with dad when you planned on doing that with mom — all represent examples of transition situations.

The problem with transitions is that either something is ending, or something is beginning. Often, this means going from doing something preferred to doing something nonpreferred.  This can be problematic for just about anyone. For the autistic individual who is very driven by being comfortable, being obligated to stop doing preferred, comfortable activities is even tougher. After all, why would one want to stop playing a favorite video game just to take a bath?

As for all human beings, as well as for individuals on the spectrum, transitions mean uncertainty. Increased uncertainty means increased anxiety. New situations mean different rules and expectations. Rigidness and routine adherence are coping characteristics of autism, and these serve to reduce uncertainty, thereby reducing anxiety. These qualities tend to make transition situations that much more difficult.

Here are a few things you, as a parent, can do to make transitions a little easier for yourself and your child.

Scheduling: Planning Ahead to Reduce Anxiety
Since uncertainty and the anxiety that goes with it is a large part of the problem with transitions, it makes sense that reducing uncertainty might make transitions easier. Scheduling is an easy way of doing this.

Providing your child with a schedule does two things: It allows your child to have a better sense of what is going to happen in the future, and provides a better sense of control over his life (if you make him a part of the scheduling process).

Here are some tips to maximize the effectiveness of your scheduling strategy:

1. Schedules should be understandable. Make sure the schedule is written in such a way that the child can read/utilize it. Use pictures instead of words if that will make things more concrete for him/her.
2. Schedules need to be seen to be effective. Make sure the schedule is easily available or can be carried by your child so they can refer to it whenever they need to do so.
3. Scheduling should be a collaborative activity. Whenever possible, give your child both choices of activities and the order in which they will be done. This increases your child’s sense of control and reduces uncertainty and anxiety.

The “Ease-in” Proactive Warning Strategy
Give your child as much warning as possible about upcoming transitions. Instead of just springing change on your child with little or no warning, give him/her time to mentally process and prepare for the change. Making the sudden mental shift from one activity to another can just be too much for some kids.

Give your child progressive reminders of the upcoming change. So, 10 to 15 minutes before the transition is going to occur, tell your child of what is going to happen, when it is going to happen, and what they need to do. Do this again a few more times, maybe at five minutes and two minutes. You can also do this when the activity itself hasn’t changed but other details of the activity have changed (change in time, who’s going, order of activities, etc.) Giving repeated reminders of what is going to occur beforehand helps reduce uncertainty and alleviate anxiety for your child.

Priming: Setting Expectations ahead of Time
This strategy is simply a variation of the “ease-in” strategy. This is where you review what is going to happen and what the expectations are before going into a given situation. The difference between this and the “ease-in” is that this is done just prior to the transition. It puts your expectations forefront in your child’s mind and makes it more likely that they will remember them. It’s not a guarantee they will follow directions, but it stacks the deck in your favor.

I often use this for more familiar activities. For example, every time I take my kids to the store, I say the following:

“OK kids, we are about to go in the store. Let’s review the rules. We are here to buy [x] and [y]. If you are good, I may get you [z]. Please keep your hands and feet to yourselves. Follow my directions. We will use the bathroom as soon as we get in and that’s it. Finally, if you can’t see me, I can’t see you, so let’s stay together.”

I’ve said this or something like this before every shopping trip with my kids for years. They can sometimes recite it with me. My kids have learned to stay with me in the store. They don’t ask to go to the bathroom 15 times during a shopping trip. They generally behave well, and earn treats as a result. It was not always so easy.

“Grandma’s Law:” The Power of the Premack Principle
The premack principle, or “grandma’s law,” refers to alternating between nonpreferred and preferred activities. In essence, it’s “if you want dessert, you need to finish your vegetables.” By doing this, you can always give your child something to which to look forward, even when he/she has to do something they don’t like doing. This strategy both reduces uncertainty and increases compliance through increased motivation (people are more willing to do nonpreferred activities if this gets them access to or leads to preferred activities).

Incidentally, premacking works really well with scheduling. Alternating between preferred and non-preferred activities will increase the power and motivation of the schedule. This, in turn, will make it easier for your child to make the transitions.

One Last Piece of Advice
These strategies work really well together. Furthermore, the more consistently they are used the better they work. To get this to happen, it behooves you, as parents, to train the other caregivers in your child’s life as to how best to guide them through transition situations. When the child’s parents, teachers, babysitters, home health therapists, etc., are all doing the same thing, your child is going to experience less uncertainty and, therefore, less stress. This, in turn, should result in fewer negative behaviors and better transitions.

I hope you found this information useful and that it makes life with your child a little easier. As always, remember to breathe… you got this.