Recently, several people have told me they enjoyed past blogs about Recently, several people have told me they enjoyed past blogs about

Sexual Fantasies: Do You Have an Old Standby?

handcuffs on pink feathersRecently, several people have told me they enjoyed past blogs about sex fantasies, so I’m revisiting this topic.

Interestingly, over the years it’s been my distance clients who have shared most frequently about their favorite scenarios, right down to lots and lots of detail. Those who come to my California office rarely talk about their fantasy sexual content, and never when their partner is present. It seems that most of us prefer telephonic conversation when the subject is perceived as taboo.

Since a large number of us fantasize about sex, I wonder why we tend to feel embarrassed about discussing what we love to think about when we’re aroused. The vast majority of people I talk to in therapy enjoy fantasies during intercourse, and many of us find it difficult to climax when self-pleasuring without fantasy.

Now raise your hands, readers: How many of you have a single, reliable, old standby scenario that you utilize each and every time you want to get off? There are a lot of you out there. How many have a virtual toolbox of unique and exotic images? (This phrase had me laughing recently when a twenty-something, self-proclaimed heterosexual guy boasted about his imaginative alternatives. I’m not sure how many of us measure up to his self-described “plethora” of erotic fantasies.)

Much of his content would likely be considered unusual, kinky, and downright bizarre by most. But the “wild and crazy” stuff is not what seems to provide provocative arousal material for many of us. In my experience, which is, of course, completely anecdotal, most of us fantasize about making love with our current sexual partner, and often the content is cuddly, sweet, and downright silly.

But I won’t be writing about that stuff today. Edgy is more interesting!

Over the years many women (and a few guys) have told me, with some concern, that they fantasize about being forced to have sex. Imagining something happening does not in any way mean that we actually want it to happen to us, and a lot of people imagine scenes that they would never want to experience in real life. Being ravished in fantasy is often a way to enjoy pleasure that would otherwise cause guilt. It’s out of our control, so we’re not responsible for wanting to have it. This ties into another common fantasy that I hear about frequently: having sex with someone in uniform, usually law enforcement.

Here is a partial list of other sex fantasies I’ve heard about:

  • Having sex with more than one person
  • Having gay sex when you identify as heterosexual
  • Having heterosexual sex when you identify as gay
  • Observing sex or being watched while you have sex
  • Watching your partner get it on with someone else
  • Imagining you’re the opposite gender having sex with whichever gender turns you on
  • Dominating or being dominated
  • Spanking or being spanked
  • Being shamed or humiliated

We all know sex can be quite boring if it’s always the same. But this doesn’t keep many of us from doing the same thing with the same person over and over and over again. Ads for ways to add variety to a dull or routine sex life are all over the Internet, and spicing things up is a favorite topic of the magazines you see at the checkout counter of the grocery store.

Years ago, an elderly woman who was in therapy with me got stuck behind a person in line who had hundred of coupons, so she read an entire article headlined (she told me) “Service your man!” Her husband, who was 10 years her senior, ended up extremely surprised when she returned from that particular shopping trip. This serendipitous 30 minutes certainly spiced up their twilight years.

But even if you keep doing the same thing again and again, an active fantasy life can enliven even the most familiar domestic routine. So rummage around and see if you can’t find a few things in your “virtual toolbox of unique and exotic images” that will give your sex life some extra zest!

© Copyright 2014 All rights reserved. Permission to publish granted by Jill Denton, LMFT, CSAT, CSE, CCS, Sexuality / Sex Therapy Topic Expert Contributor

The preceding article was solely written by the author named above. Any views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by Questions or concerns about the preceding article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment below.

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  • Camille

    June 27th, 2014 at 10:49 AM

    Am I a prude if I admit that I have never let myself induldge like this? I mean, of course I have some fantasies but I think that I am too embarassed to admit them out loud, not here and not even to my lover! I like to think that I am pretty open minded and I hope that he think that we have a good sex life but I cannot say what I would like to do out loud!

  • joanie s

    June 27th, 2014 at 12:40 PM

    Why all of the embarassment? If you are with someone who really cares about you and meeting your needs then he will be excited and turned on to know all about what fantasies that you have and what role he might can play in helping you turn that into reality. I know that at first it can seem a little mortifying but if you want to keep the spice and romance turned up then every now and then you have to be willing to try something new and a little different. So what if you don’t like it the first time or it does not live up to what you imagined? The next time you try something new. It’s all about trying not to get stuck in the same old routine and one or the other of you getting bored in the bedroom.

  • garrett

    June 28th, 2014 at 10:41 AM

    I love it that my wife and I are always able to try new things in the bedroom and that she is pretty open to trying a lot of new things sexually.

    What I never can understand is why she has a hard time talking to me about it. It is as if she is one person in the bedroom and then becomes all shy when we leave. I would love to be able to talk about what she liked and disliked about whatever it is that we tried but if I don’t do that while we are in the heat of the moment it is like she doesn’t wnat to speak of it. Can anyone help me out with that?

  • Barrett

    June 28th, 2014 at 2:38 PM

    I kind of like it when my girlfriend takes charge and I think that the reason why is that I work in a stressful job field so her taking charge of that kind of takes some of the pressure off of me, lets me relax at home in a way that I can never do the rest of my day.

  • Aleksander

    June 29th, 2014 at 8:29 AM

    If there were more forums for us to talk about these fantasies without fera of reprimand and shame then I think that you would have a whole lot more people willing to tel their stories. At this time though it still feels odd to be so open about it when there are so many more who don’t think quite the same as you do.

  • cantgivename

    June 30th, 2014 at 4:15 AM

    I just like my husband to talk dirty to me in the bedroom- that is such a turn on, probably because he is nothing like that outside of the ebdroom so it is a side of him that I know he reserves only for me

  • Mark N.

    July 3rd, 2014 at 3:33 PM

    Do you get any Christian people who feel guilt over Jesus’ statement that thinking about another woman sexually is adultery. I have some problems with this.

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