Tips for Putting the Magic Back in Your Marriage

Heart shadow cast by ring in bookBeing married can be one of the most fulfilling, satisfying, and rewarding experiences. But it can also be monotonous. If you’ve been married for any length of time, you know what I mean. After the “Fifty Shades of Grey” feelings wear off, most couples are left with 52 weeks of blasé. But according to psychiatrist Dr. Keith Ablow, it doesn’t have to be that way. In a recent article, Ablow gives us several tips for making even the most mundane relationships magical again. First, it is important to remember that even though love may be enduring, passion needs to be primed every now and then. You wouldn’t expect a fire to burn brightly and throw off intense heat without the proper fanning and fuel. So why would you think that the passion that ignited your relationship would do the same? Being in love with someone–really, truly, emotionally, and deeply connected to someone–may be safe and soothing, but it is often far from sexy. Make an effort to put some magic back in the marriage. “Since couples lucky enough to be emotionally genuine with one another share so many real moments, they need to pay special attention to creating magical ones—because great sex requires magic,” said Ablow.

He recommends several ways to do just that, including making your relationship X-rated, even if you spend weekends at G-rated movies with the kids. Being parents together does not mean you can’t still be lovers. If your relationship rating is dropping, take steps to address it. Another tip is to allow each other to share sexual fantasies. By letting your spouse know you trust them and want to know them more, they will be more willing to unlock those secret passions they want to explore. If you don’t give them a platform for doing that, someone else might. If exploring fantasies is too uncomfortable for you, Ablow recommends making a game of it. Take turns creating a memorable and magical evening that plays on your own desires. That way, each partner will get to what they want while finding out more about their spouse.

Ablow also notes that couples should add some spontaneity by getting out of their routines, mentally and physically. If the house is a reminder of chores and to-do lists, meet up at a restaurant or a hotel for a night of passion. Date each other again by having a night out doing what you did when you first met. And flirt with each other. Sometimes the sexual tension that leads up to the encounter is the best part of the sex. Finally, Ablow says to get creative this Valentine’s Day. Instead of the usual card, why not place a motel key in a card for your lover? Or make your own card with unique truth or dare questions that would make even Dr. Ruth blush. Regardless of how you do it, make magic a priority in your marriage and you will increase your chances of truly living happily ever after.

Ablow, Keith. 7 Ways to put the lust back in your marriage (n.d.): n. pag. Fox News. 5 Feb. 2013. Web. 2013.

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  • kacie


    February 11th, 2013 at 2:47 PM

    totally agree with the magic part. I have so many middle aged friends who have a long list of how their marriage is dull and not exciting. and yet they do not put in any conscious effort into making it exciting. its not gonna happen all by itself after all!

  • dori


    February 12th, 2013 at 10:58 AM

    I was always that wife and mom who put the kids and the home far above my marriage and suffered a divorce as a result of that. You have to make your marriage and your partner a priority to stay strong for those kids that you were trying so hard to protect all along.

  • Stacey


    February 13th, 2013 at 3:07 PM

    My suggestion would be to DATE each other and do so at a fairly regular interval.There are many things that change when a couple dating becomes a married couple.The MAGIC can fade away too.Its important to see each other as being attractive,its important to have that fire between the two of you.

    I’d also love to hear what other tips some of you have to share.

  • alexandra


    February 14th, 2013 at 3:57 AM

    I have read conflicting research on whether it is good for couples to watch porn together. Any thoughts on this, good or bad?

  • MLEA


    February 14th, 2013 at 1:42 PM

    Be careful. . .
    if you wait until the magic is completely gone then sometimes it’s too late to get it back no matter what you try
    Marriage has to be worked on every day by both partners, has to be a give and a take, with both partners willing to do the work

  • annette


    February 15th, 2013 at 10:14 AM

    I am convinced that there is really no one magic thing that you can do to keep a marriage alive and happy other than to always treat your spouse with the same love and respect that you want from him. Period. There are going to be times when you don’t feel like having sex and times when you don’t like him or her too much butt hat doesn’t mean that you stop caring and acting like you care. Those are the times when you have to remember just why you married this person in the first place and try to hang on to those memories. Marriage just like anything else has it has its good days and its bad days, and a few bad days here and there are not a reason to hang it all up. That should be your motivator to try a little bit harder. Think of all of the things that you would miss without this person and try to see if it would be worth it for him to not be in your life. If this is a lasting love then you will not want to see that go away.

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