How to Tell the Kids You Are Getting Divorced

Telling the kids you are getting a divorce may be one of the most difficult conversations you can have with your children. Even if the reasons for the divorce are plainly evident, upon hearing that you are divorcing, your kids will have to grieve the loss of what could have been: the hope that their parents would always be together and the family unit would remain intact.

No matter how you tell your kids you are divorcing, it’s going to be difficult for them to process. However, you can help your children absorb the news by staying aware of their emotional states and responding accordingly. Try not to overwhelm them, but be clear about what is happening and how their day-to-day lives may be affected. When children feel isolated and kept in the dark, they may be more likely to experience trauma and fill in the blanks themselves. When children feel connected, the level of trauma they experience may be lowered significantly.

Here are some strategies you can follow to help your children receive the news that you are divorcing with a minimum amount of negative emotional fallout:

• Make a plan with your soon-to-be ex to tell the children together that you are divorcing, ideally in the family home or another private, safe space where they can react freely.
• Make sure your emotions are in check when you deliver the news.
• Based on their experiences and those of their peers, different children may have different understandings of what getting divorced means. Communicate with your children about their perception of what it means to get divorced and the reality of what getting divorced will mean for your family.
• Avoid giving more information than the children need right now.
• Encourage your children to express what they are feeling—to cry, be angry, and vent—without defending your decision to get a divorce. Keep the focus on them.
• Listen to your children’s responses to the news. Accept and validate their feelings, which may help limit any trauma they experience.
• Keep a close eye on and stay emotionally connected to your children over the days and weeks following the announcement.

With divorce, remember that your relationship with your soon-to-be ex is not ending; it is changing. You will need to continue to work together to be supportive co-parents to your children all the way into adulthood. Demonstrating respect and care for the other parent sends your children the message that you also respect and care for them.

• Never speak negatively about the other parent in front of the children. It can be difficult when emotions are charged to not make comments or express frustration about the other parent, but it is crucial your kids are not exposed to any negative sentiment you may have about your soon-to-be ex.
• Even though your kids have likely heard “this decision has nothing to do with you” and “this is not your fault” a number of times, reassure them anyway. Children of divorce often blame themselves in the absence of other obvious clues.
• Remind your children that you both love them very much, that your love is unconditional, and that it will never go away. Even if your children may know this to be true, they still need to hear it. Especially now.
• Assuming the terms of your divorce allow for it, remind your children they can have contact with the other parent whenever they want. Provided the parental environment is safe on both sides, the objective now is to sustain as much stability as possible for your children.
• Let your children know you are both available whenever they need to talk. If one parent is a favored confidant over the other, respect that and share information with each other as needed to facilitate stability and healing.
• Expect your children to be more emotional than they typically would be as they process the divorce and what it will mean for their lives.
• Offer to bring in a counselor or other trusted third party for support, either one-on-one or with one or both parents in attendance.

With divorce, remember that your relationship with your soon-to-be ex is not ending; it is changing. You will need to continue to work together to be supportive co-parents to your children all the way into adulthood. Demonstrating respect and care for the other parent sends your children the message that you also respect and care for them.

While telling your children you are divorcing can be extremely difficult, you and your children can come away from the experience emotionally stronger and with a deeper bond between you if the focus remains on the children and their needs.

© Copyright 2016 GoodTherapy.org. All rights reserved.

The preceding article was solely written by the author named above. Any views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the preceding article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment below.