Saying goodbye to a loved one is never easy. Watching a person fade away from a terminal illness is a complex and painful process. Often, it can seem as if the person you knew and loved is disappearing, little by little, as illness slowly overtakes his or her physical body.
The dying process can be overwhelming, confusing, and riddled with heartbreak, guilt, and uncertainty.
How do you make sure you are giving your dying loved one the support he or she needs?
How do you grieve while taking care of him or her?
How do you have the time and energy to live while saying goodbye?
How do you balance supporting your loved one while also supporting yourself?
The tendency in caregiver supporter positions is often to deny the need to grieve the pending loss in order to put everything into caring for the dying person. However, allowing oneself the space and time to grieve for a loved one throughout this process is essential for the well-being of everyone involved.
When we don’t allow ourselves the space to grieve, we create disconnection both within ourselves and with our loved one. Unacknowledged or unaddressed grief can become a barrier to being fully present and connected with your loved one in the final weeks and days of his or her life.
Balancing the need to support your terminally ill loved one while also allowing yourself time and space to grieve can be tricky. Here are some things to keep in mind:
1. You Are Allowed to Take Time for Yourself
Many caregivers experience guilt when they take needed time for themselves during the course of their loved one’s illness and dying process.
Too often, caregivers exhaust themselves spending every moment caring for their loved one without also taking care of their own physical or emotional health. Taking time for self-care during this process can be challenging, but it is necessary.
Not caring for your own physical health could mean compromising it and being unable to be with your loved one, thus losing precious time with him or her. Ignoring your emotional health may lead to conflict, upset, and disconnection created by the unacknowledged need to grieve. This discord might flare up between you and your dying loved one, between you and other family members, or between you and medical providers, potentially making the process even more challenging.
Giving yourself permission to take time for yourself and your needs can be hard, but it can also greatly improve the precious time you have left with your loved one.
2. You Are Allowed to Ask for Support
Let’s face it: caring for a dying loved one is physically and emotionally exhausting, overwhelming, and painful. Even those of us with the best and healthiest relationships struggle to manage the demands of caregiving. For those of us with more challenging relationships, those demands can feel that much heavier and more stressful.
The truth is we all need support to make sure everyone’s needs are being met as best they can be.
You are allowed to ask for help. You are allowed to ask others to assist you with caretaking tasks. You are allowed to ask others to give you breaks so you can rest or eat or have some fun. You are allowed to have emotional support for your own grief and stress.
3. You Are Allowed to Accept Others’ Offers of Support
One of the things I see happen the most when someone is caring for a dying loved one is refusing help and support that is offered. People sometimes feel that it’s their responsibility alone; it’s often said that “I have to handle it,” “I don’t want to bother anyone,” or, “I don’t want to be a burden to others.”
When help or support is offered, say yes. If someone offers to bring you a home-cooked meal, to take out the trash, to handle the laundry, to sit with your loved one for a while, to keep your kids for a play date, or anything of the sort, say yes.
But refusing help that is offered doesn’t help anyone.
When help or support is offered, say yes. If someone offers to bring you a home-cooked meal, to take out the trash, to handle the laundry, to sit with your loved one for a while, to keep your kids for a play date, or anything of the sort, say yes.
If people say, “Let me know how I can help,” let them know how they can help. Ask them to mow the yard, pick up the mail, clean the bathrooms, pick up groceries, or whatever it is that would feel supportive to you.
Give yourself permission to lean on those who love you as you care for your loved one. Allowing them to help with the smaller tasks of life can help give you the space and time to support your love one and to grieve.
Life can be challenging, but we’re all in it together. We all deserve support.
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