What Does Love Feel Like?

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

At the risk of sounding silly and love-obsessed, I’m wondering if you can help me identify real feelings. For all the relationships I’ve been in and the hurt I’ve experienced, I still feel like I don’t know what I’m looking for with someone. I worry you’re going to tell me, “No one can tell you what love feels like; you have to experience it for yourself!” But I genuinely want to know the signs I’m searching for.

Is it butterflies in my stomach? Or is it a sense of peace and calm?

Is it fireworks and lightning? Or is it a soft internal “glow”?

I feel so lost, like I don’t know what people (or Disney movies) are talking about when they describe “true love.” IS there such a thing? Am I foolish for even searching for it? What if I feel butterflies but take that as nervousness and a warning sign? What if I feel comfort and safety, but it feels just like the love I feel for my friends? I just don’t want love to pass me by if I mistake my feelings for something else. —What Is Love?

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Dear WIL,

You don’t sound silly or love-obsessed at all. Love and relationships can be confusing. As you allude to, different relationships yield different kinds of love—the love we have for our family, friends, and romantic partners can be quite different. To confuse matters further, the love we have for romantic partners—especially long-term romantic partners—can at different points in the relationship feel like all of the above.

At the beginning, and hopefully at various points throughout a relationship, love feels like the fireworks you mention. Long-term romantic partners can, indeed, feel like friends who provide a feeling of comfort and safety. When love is deep and long-lasting, it often has the roots and permanence of familial love.

We learn and internalize a lot about what romantic relationships are “supposed” to look like through watching our parents’ relationship(s).

We learn and internalize a lot about what romantic relationships are “supposed” to look like through watching our parents’ relationship(s). I find myself feeling curious about the romantic relationship(s) your parents modeled for you. Did you grow up with both of them together? Did they separate or divorce at any point? Did they marry or develop relationships with others? Most importantly, what was your experience of their relationship(s)? What did you learn about what love was “supposed” to look like? Does this concept hold up to your ideas about what you want for yourself as an adult?

You might find it helpful to collaborate with a therapist to explore these issues. A therapist can work with you to explore the meaning you made of your parents’ relationship(s), as well as your previous relationships. You would likely find some connections between what you saw in your parents’ relationship(s) and what you have experienced in your own relationships. Engaging in this process with a therapist might just lead you to a deeper understanding of what you are seeking and greater clarity on what love is to you.

Sincerely,

Sarah

Sarah Noel

Sarah Noel, MS, LMHC is a licensed psychotherapist living and working in Brooklyn, New York. She specializes in working with people who are struggling through depression, anxiety, trauma, and major life transitions. She approaches her work from a person-centered perspective, always acknowledging the people she works with as experts on themselves. She is honored and humbled on a daily basis to be able to partner with people at such critical points in their unique journeys.