Three Jobs, Two Kids, One Disabled Mom, and No Hope. Help!

I am a single mother of two young boys (ages 3 and 4) working three part-time jobs to support my family, which includes my disabled mom. These are terrible jobs. I wash dishes at a restaurant at one. At another, I stock grocery shelves. And then another is as a convenience store clerk. I've already been held up and I've worked there for three weeks. I am up at 4 a.m. and gone from 5 in the morning until 9 at night, six days a week. I have Tuesdays off. My mother watches the kids while I am gone. But she is getting up there in age and has a growing list of health problems. I don't know what I would do without her. I fear I will have to find out one day soon. I once had a good job with a $60k salary and benefits but I blew it. I made a mistake and got fired and I have been blacklisted by that business ever since. I feel like life won't give me a second chance and this is the lot I am left with. I feel hopeless and it pains me to think about the future. I don't feel like I have one but I have to think about the kids. The kids that I never see because I am working! There is no way right now I can see having the money to send them to college someday. I fear they will not have the opportunities I had (and squandered). I cannot afford a therapist right now and I am not sure a therapist could even help me. Maybe you have some ideas. I am hoping you do. Thank you. —Feeling Hopeless
Dear Feeling Hopeless,

I have to admit that when I first read your letter I felt overwhelmed. I was a single mother myself for several years, many years ago. Your voice called up those years, and I remembered how tired I was and scared sometimes—and I had only one child at that time, not two like you. Being a mother is extremely hard work, and then you’re working hard in your jobs, too. I worked two jobs, one full time and another part time, and I went to school. I thought back to what helped me at the time, and maybe it will help you, too.

I know you are devilishly busy and tired and have no time, so my advice is to take time for yourself. That probably seems and sounds impossible, but I will say it again—you must find time for yourself. You might think I’m nuts by now, but one thing that helped me was taking walks. I walked whenever I could, mostly between job and home; I saved car fare/money, too. Of course, I lived close enough that walking was possible. I don’t know if that applies to you.

Those walks gave me time and space to think or just space out and be by myself with no demands on my attention or my time, even if just for a little while. While you’re walking, if you like, you can concentrate on taking long, slow, deep breaths, which are good for your physical and mental health. This combination of breath work and walking can help relieve anxiety and depression, too. Maybe walking isn’t your thing. Maybe there’s something else you like doing better; if so, do it. You need to take a break, however small, and make it a part of your daily routine—caring for yourself will translate into caring for the people around you. You’ll feel it, and they will, too. Of course, it takes practice. You have to keep doing it.

I have the feeling that you feel guilty about whatever mistakes you may have made in the past. You are paying for this already in your work life; try not to pay for it in your current emotional life. That translates into “stop beating yourself up.” Whatever you did, I doubt you deserve life imprisonment, which is what feeling guilty all the time really is. Concentrate on doing better now.

You may not be able to save money for your children’s education. In that case, they will have to rely on financial aid and/or attend public schools—like I did and maybe like you did, too, like many people do, and that’s OK.

Your mother is helping you and the kids, but maybe you can find another person to be in your corner. Many psychotherapy training institutes and social work schools provide low-cost therapy. Religious organizations may be of help, too.

You write that you are no longer able to continue in the business where you worked before. Take some deep breaths, look around, and see if there are any training programs that might work for you so you can give yourself the second chance you long for.

You can do it. You sound like you’re smart and determined. Most of all, don’t give up.

Best wishes,
Lynn