Is There Something Wrong with Being a ‘Commitment-Phobe’?
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Dear Noncommittal,
Thank you for sharing so much of yourself here. You ask what I think your problem is, and I find myself wondering what you think the problem is or if you even think there is a problem.
It sounds like you have been able to pretty clearly identify a pattern of behavior when it comes to intimate relationships and have also indicated that this pattern of behavior works for you; it allows you to experience the good of relationships and avoid all of the bad. So it doesn’t really seem like you view the behavior as a problem. However, I’m going to assume that since you are asking for advice, you are interested in trying to have a deeper and longer-lasting relationship but find the prospect of the “bad stuff” to be so scary that it gets in the way.
It sounds like you have identified your parents’ marriage and divorce as the source of your fear of the “bad stuff” of relationships. That makes sense—for better and for worse, we learn what intimate relationships are “supposed” to look like by looking at our parents’ relationships. It sounds like what you saw in your parents’ relationship and ultimate divorce was so “bad” and “scary” that it has made you want to avoid relationships altogether. However, I would suggest that because you have such high levels of self-awareness—your own patterns of behavior and how they are connected to your experience of your parents’ relationship—you are nicely positioned to have a very different kind of relationship. If you add in the support of a therapist to help you process your feelings about your parents’ marriage and divorce and explore what kind of relationship you would like to have, you are even more likely to be successful in finding that relationship.
Yes, relationships are laborious, even painful at times. But without conflict, we cannot repair, and without repair we cannot deepen the level of trust and connection.
Finally, while not getting too deeply into an intimate relationship can protect you from the “bad stuff” of deeper, long-term relationships, it is also stopping you from enjoying the “good stuff” of such relationships. That might be something worth exploring with a therapist, too. You deserve to experience the very best of what an intimate relationship can provide.
Yes, relationships are laborious, even painful at times. But without conflict, we cannot repair, and without repair we cannot deepen the level of trust and connection. In other words, all the struggle of a relationship can lead to a deeper fulfillment—a fulfillment that cannot be realized through avoiding conflict. Truly, no pain, no gain here.
What’s more, relationships can force us to do our own emotional and spiritual work. There are not only many benefits of being in a relationship, but you may also be missing a magnificent opportunity to address the fear and the old pain that likely lurk beneath the surface. Tending to this old stuff has great potential for helping you find greater joy and contentment in life.
Best wishes,
Sarah
Sarah Noel
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patience
December 4th, 2015 at 10:22 AMI choose to look at it like this. Maybe you are not necessarily phobic about getting involved with someone but you might have a little fear of getting involved with the wrong person, and that is completely understandable especially if you have been in a bad relationship before. The most important thing is to learn to love yourself and then if or when the right person comes along, then you will be ready and accepting of that person in your life.
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Margie
December 5th, 2015 at 9:59 AMI don’t know, there is nothing with being alone and making that a conscious choice, but it can be awfully lonely if you are not positive that you wish to be alone.
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Ric
December 7th, 2015 at 10:16 AMSo maybe you are a little phobic
big deal
your choice, your life -
Maggie
December 9th, 2015 at 11:22 AMTo each his own right? And if this is what works for you and you are happy, then you shouldn’t feel like you have to make someone else happy in your life, just yourself.
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Moe
December 27th, 2015 at 4:01 PMBe happy with the life that you are living right now… this might be the right thing for you forever and then again it might not be. But the answer is one day going to come to you and it will hopefully be at a time when you are ready and able to accept that in your life.
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Gena
December 29th, 2015 at 4:12 PMHave you considered going to a counselor or therapist?
It has obviously scarred you because of the relationship and divorce that you witnessed your parents go through. It could do you some good to talk to another person about your fears and how that plays into your own hesitation to get involved in a serious relationship of your own.
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