Help! My Child Envies Other Kids and Refuses to Share

Our 7-year-old boy has a very difficult time sharing with others and displays alarming levels of envy/jealousy whenever he witnesses another child getting something he doesn't have. He doesn't respond well when we try to explain why it's important to share, and he speaks in contemptuous and hateful tones about those who have what he wants (especially when he ultimately doesn't get whatever the coveted thing is). I thought this was pretty normal child behavior, and maybe it is, but I read about the college student in Isla Vista, California, who recently went on a killing spree after writing a detailed manifesto about how he hated sharing as a child, how he envied other boys, and how he never felt happy for others who got things he couldn't have. I know that was an exceptional case and there is much more to that story, but I still am worried about how these behavioral issues might manifest as our child gets older. Should we be considering therapy for our child? What kinds of red flags should we be looking for before we do seek professional help? Thank you. —Paranoid Parent
Dear Paranoid Parent,

Thanks for your question. First of all, it is a very long way from a self-focused 7-year-old to the tragedy that occurred in California. The commonality you mention does not mean your son will follow that path. That said, I’m very glad that you are asking this question now. The behaviors you are describing are not pathological, but it sounds as if the way they show up for your son may be outside the norm.

Many children (and adults) do at times struggle with sharing, want what others have, and can get bitter and resentful about not getting what they want. These feelings can vary in intensity and duration based on circumstances and temperament. What you describe, however—”alarming levels” and “contemptuous/hateful tones”—sounds like a developing set of unhealthy beliefs about the world and how it is supposed to work. It sounds like a possibly egocentric worldview and perhaps the beginnings of a sense of entitlement, when what you really would like to see is a developing sense of empathy. Very young children are incredibly egocentric; little exists beyond what they feel and experience. Other people generally exist only as an extension of themselves. By age 7, however, we generally expect that stage to have passed and look to see a developing awareness of other people’s feelings as being relevant and meaningful. Children who have not made that transition can find peer relationships challenging, experience negative reactions from others, and become increasingly isolated, frustrated, and angry. These patterns can continue into adulthood, creating angry, bitter, dissatisfied adults.

This is a great time to address his behaviors and beliefs, before they become too deeply rooted and significantly impact his social relationships—and yes, seeking some professional help would be a great idea. There are many places to start, and the good news is there are established, evidence-based approaches (from empathy-building school curricula to therapeutic interventions) that can be helpful. There are some terrific books, articles, and websites devoted to developing empathy and pro-social skills in young children. You can also get professional parenting support to look at ways to incorporate empathy-building skills into family routines. Sometimes, subtle shifts in the words we use with children make a significant difference in how those words are received and understood. It sounds like you are trying to give him some great messages, but he doesn’t seem, at least to you, as if he is hearing them. Finding someone who can help coach you and give you additional tools to use at home might make what you are already trying to do more effective.

As for getting support for your son, one place to start is with his school. Talk with his teachers about what they observe. They see him in different contexts and may have great information and insight to share. They can also offer some perspective on how his behaviors and reactions stack up against those of his peers. Enlist caring adults who interact with your son to be part of his team to support the changes you are trying to encourage. Find some strategies that work and implement them both at home and at school.

Depending on the outcome of those conversations, you may also want to explore connecting him with a good child therapist and potentially getting him evaluated. I know that can sound scary, but a good evaluation can help you identify what, if anything, your son needs. It may also relieve your concerns if the results indicate an appropriately developing child.

Above all, try to avoid the blame game. As parents, it is so easy (and tempting) to second-guess our parenting choices. We often think we must have done something wrong, or not done something right, when we see our kids struggling in unexpected ways. Every child is different. There is no handbook of hard and fast rules to raising a healthy, well-adjusted child. There are some guiding principles that seem to work in most situations, but figuring out how to apply them to your own family requires trial and error. By having the courage to ask the question, you are doing what’s right for your son. By gathering good information and getting the right support, you are doing the best you can for your son and your family.

I wouldn’t wait for more red flags—he seems to be struggling, and you are concerned. Now is the time to intervene, before small events become bigger and before negative behaviors become entrenched.

Best of luck,
Erika