Help! I’m Single for Fear of Putting My Kid Through Breakup

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

I am single and the mother of a 7-year-old girl (her father is not in the picture). For nearly three years I was in a serious relationship with someone my daughter adored, but we broke up six months ago. I did not see the breakup coming, and it was tough on me, but it was also tough on my daughter. She still asks when we can see my ex again and frequently says she misses her.

I’ve accepted the relationship is really over and have been trying to date again, but I am finding it really difficult to do so. Dating with a child is tough already, but now I’m really anxious about her bonding with someone new, only to have the relationship end again. I want a relationship and don’t want to date someone with the expectation of the relationship ending, but I feel like I have to prepare for that and prepare her for that! It took a long time before I was comfortable introducing my daughter to my last partner, and I only did so when I knew the relationship was stable and that I could trust my partner.

I was happy in my last relationship, but now I feel like my perspective on dating has become somewhat pessimistic. I’m too nervous to try and afraid of being hurt (both for my sake and my daughter’s), but then I regret not trying and feel lonely and sad. I don’t know how to work past this! —Doubtful of Dating

Dear Doubtful,

You are describing a very real challenge faced by so many single parents: How do you attend to your own need for affiliation, connection, and relationship while navigating your responsibilities to your child? As you can imagine, there are no easy answers, but the fact you are struggling with this issue tells me that you may have a better handle on how to do this than you might think.

It is such a natural instinct as a parent to want to insulate our children from pain, loss, and struggle, but this isn’t realistic. They will experience pain. They will experience loss. They will struggle.

It is natural after a relationship ends unexpectedly to grapple with trust issues and to worry about being hurt. If, however, you are waiting for a guarantee that any future relationship will last, you will likely wait a very long time. Unfortunately, no relationship comes with guarantees. Feelings change and partners leave—sometimes by choice, sometimes through illness, but all relationships end at some point. You have the opportunity to teach your daughter how to manage the end of relationships with grace, courage, and hope for the future. You can honor your shared feelings of loss while modeling resilience.

It is such a natural instinct as a parent to want to insulate our children from pain, loss, and struggle, but this isn’t realistic. They will experience pain. They will experience loss. They will struggle. What we can do is help them navigate these experiences by giving them the space to talk about their feelings, by being safe places for them to grieve, and by showing them that we recover. What children need most to feel safe when unexpected things happen is for the caring adults in their world to show, in word and deed, that things will be okay—that we can be sad or scared, and yet still believe we will heal and things will get better.

I think I hear your fear that another loss will damage your daughter in some way. Your instincts about waiting to introduce your daughter to your previous partner are solid, and listening to those instincts again will likely serve you well. By doing so, you are showing her that relationships are important and intentional, and even if the next one ends sooner than you’d like, it doesn’t have to be damaging.

As for your own fears, doubts, and loss, it might be helpful to talk with a counselor about how to heal from your past relationship and open yourself up to future relationships. It’s not easy to be open and vulnerable after being hurt, disappointed, or betrayed. Doing so requires a leap of faith—not only in the other person or relationship, but in yourself and your ability to handle whatever may come.

Best of luck,

Erika Myers

Erika Myers

Erika Myers, MS, MEd, LPC, NCC is a licensed psychotherapist and former educator specializing in working with families in transition (often due to separation or divorce) as well as individuals seeking support with relationship issues, parenting, depression, anxiety, grief/loss/bereavement, and managing major life changes. Although her theoretical orientation is eclectic, she most frequently uses a person-centered, strengths-based approach and cognitive behavioral therapy in her practice.