Middle-aged couple dances in their kitchen.In today’s hectic world, the demands of life can end up dictating your relationship rather than the other way around. Sexual intimacy is often one of the casualties. Time, stress, and busy schedules make it difficult for couples to find time when both partners are interested and available for sex.

If you and your partner would like to have more or better sex, the first step is to prioritize it like you do other important things in your life. One way to kick start this new approach is to have a sexcation with your partner.

A sexcation is a vacation that is solely dedicated to connecting intimately with your partner. Sexcations work well over a long weekend where you will have 3-4 days together away from the stress of your normal life. Let’s discuss how to plan your sexcation in order to maximize the chances that it will be a success.

Step 1: Overcoming Obstacles

You may be thinking, “I don’t have the (time, money, childcare, energy, etc.) for a sexcation with my partner.” It’s entirely possible that now is not the right time for you to have a sexcation. But before jumping to that conclusion, I encourage you to consider your options with an open mind.

Remember that a sexcation is not about extravagance. Rather, the main focus is creating a space for quality time together.Let’s start with time. How do you currently spend your time? Are you busy with kids, family visits, work, or projects? These are all important, but where does your relationship fit into that? Having a vibrant romantic relationship is something most people want, yet many of us do not give ourselves permission to truly prioritize it. If you are unable to coordinate consecutive days off together, start with one day and see how that goes.

Let’s consider the financial aspect. Remember that a sexcation is not about extravagance. Rather, the main focus is creating a space for quality time together. You could even plan a sexcation at your house if you are unable to travel.

If childcare is an issue, I encourage you to think creatively about how to solve that problem. If you have a baby, you may be able to structure your time together around when the baby is sleeping. If you have toddlers or older children, perhaps they can stay with a friend or family member for the weekend.

I know it won’t be easy to navigate all these obstacles, but I have seen couples do it with persistence. The following instructions are designed to help you connect, or reconnect if you’ve been distant from each other.

Step 2: Creating Your Oasis

Once you have blocked out the time on your calendars and picked the location of your sex-cation, it’s time to create your oasis. To do this, you may need to plan a buffer between the stress of normal life and your intimate time together. It may be best to plan for the first full day of your sexcation as a buffer day. If you only have one or two days total, you may need to shorten that period.

During the buffer day, consider what you need to do to feel present with your partner. If you need to wrap up loose ends from the week, you can do so, but limit your work to no more than 1 hour, then set it aside for the rest of the time. You and your partner may also have unresolved conflicts from the week. *If* you feel you can discuss it in a calm and respectful manner, spend no more than 1 hour discussing the issue to come to a resolution or stopping point. If you cannot discuss it in a calm manner, make a contract with each other to set the issue aside while on your sexcation. This is not the time for bickering and fighting; it’s time to reconnect and focus on the things you like about each other.

Once you have wrapped up loose ends, each partner should engage in self-care activities for the rest of the buffer day. One good recipe for self-care includes:

Everyone is different, so I encourage you to think ahead about what works best for you and create a self-care plan. Some people may want to go on a long bike ride, while others want a hot bath. Some people use meditation, while others use movement or dance. Some people are soothed by rock music, while others respond to classical. There is no right or wrong way to engage in self-care.

Step 3: Intellectual and Emotional Foreplay

Once you and your partner conclude your buffer phase, you can now enter your oasis together. From here through the rest of your sexcation, you will be in foreplay with each other. Foreplay starts long before the clothes come off. It also involves connecting with each other mentally and emotionally.

Consider using the following prompts:

Step Four: Getting Sexy

Once you are feeling intellectually stimulated and emotionally connected, you can begin to incorporate traditional foreplay involving sensual touch. Think ahead about what type of lovemaking you’d like. Do you enjoy feeling seductive and sultry? Sweet and sensual? Fun and flirty? Or some combination of these?

It’s important to cultivate an environment in which both of you feel safe in sharing your desires. Judgment and criticism have no place in your oasis. Also remember your sexcation is not a time to push each other’s boundaries. Instead, focus on activities you both will enjoy.

Consider creating a sensual menu of things you like, such as:

Think about using music, scents such as candles or lotion, or sensual fabrics such as satin or leather. You can also use erotic stories or art to set the mood. Bring any sex toys, sexy games, lingerie, or outfits that you might like to use. Be sure to stay well hydrated, well fed, and well rested. Remember that, regardless of anything else, your goal is connection and enjoyment as a couple.

If you need help restoring intimacy in your relationship, you may wish to contact a sex therapist or couples counselor. With support from the right therapist, you and your partner can reconnect both physically and emotionally.

References:

  1. Gottman, J. & DeClaire, J. (2002). The relationship cure: A 5 step guide to strengthening your marriage, family, and friendships. New York, NY: Three Rivers Press.
  2. Gottman, J. & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country’s foremost relationship expert. New York, NY: Harmony Books.
  3. McCarthy, B & McCarthy, E. (2014). Rekindling desire, 2nd Ed. New York, NY: Routledge.
  4. McCarthy, B & McCarthy, E. (2012). Sexual awareness: Your guide to a healthy couple sexuality, 5th Ed. New York, NY: Routledge.
  5. McCarthy, B & McCarthy, E. (2009). Discovering your couple sexual style. New York, NY: Routledge.

Couple sits on bed in embraceIn the safety of therapy, clients are able to open up about their sexual experiences. This all too often reveals shame lurking beneath the surface. For some people, it’s close to the surface, and for others, it’s buried deep within them.

Shame flourishes when it’s kept in the dark. But shame tends to diminish when it is brought into the open and met with love and compassion. I’m writing this article to highlight some of the common ways shame operates in regards to sexuality. Hopefully, you may learn some ways to leave it behind.

5 Ways Shame Impacts Sex

Internalized Problems

One marker of shame is that problems are experienced as integral to the person rather than as a natural result of situational factors that can be explained and addressed:

Chantelle looked down as she spoke. “I think there’s something wrong with me. I don’t get aroused anymore, and I barely feel pleasure from sex. I used to really enjoy sex.”

Once we began to unpack her problem and rule out any medical issues, it became clear that there were several very good reasons why Chantelle had low desire and arousal—she felt exhausted from lack of sleep and stress, and she often felt she was running on empty due to having very little time to herself.

Reframing Chantelle’s lack of sexual desire and arousal as a natural response to situational factors in her life rather than something inherently wrong with her was key in helping her let go of the shame and self-blame. Chantelle was then able to address the various factors that were making it difficult for her to enjoy sex. We found creative ways for Chantelle to prioritize her needs for sleep and self-care, which created more energy for her to reconnect with herself and her partner sexually.

Disgust

Disgust and queasiness are signs there is shame lurking within oneself. When babies are born, they have no shame about their bodies. Babies will naturally begin to explore their body, and genitals, with no judgment. It is parents and adults who attach shame to that experience.

It is natural and healthy to explore one’s body, starting in childhood and through all stages of life. It is also natural to experience sexual desire and to act on that desire, when done in a safe and consensual way. If you feel disgust about your body or sexuality, it may mean you are carrying shame or judgments that don’t belong to you.

Many clients I see have some memory of being shamed as a child for exploring their body or playing “doctor” with other children. Other clients have experienced the trauma of sexual abuse as a child or an adult. Sexual abuse or harassment is never the victim’s fault. Please know there is help if you or someone you know has experienced this. In all cases of sexual shame and disgust, please seek help and guidance. Having sexual challenges or problems does not mean you or your body are disgusting or wrong.

Inhibited Desire and Arousal

Shame is like a thick coating of black tar that sits on top of what would be a natural and healthy sexual desire and arousal response. The natural responses are still there, but they are buried beneath the shame, which prevents the natural desire and arousal from surfacing.

Shame is like a thick coating of black tar that sits on top of what would be a natural and healthy sexual desire and arousal response. The natural responses are still there, but they are buried beneath the shame, which prevents the natural desire and arousal from surfacing.

Michael Bader writes in his book Arousal: The Secret Logic of Sexual Fantasies about certain mood states that are incompatible with arousal: anxiety, guilt, and shame. To circumvent these barriers, the subconscious may invent fantasies to remove the source of the anxiety, guilt, or shame to free the person up to experience arousal.

For instance, a shame-bound person may have a sexual fantasy of being shamed or humiliated, which sexualizes the very thing that is blocking their arousal. In many other cases, a person with shame about their body or sexuality will continue to live with a repressed sexuality, unable to overcome their mental blocks or to experience their full sexual expression.

Secrecy and Psychological Splitting

Being overwhelmed with sexual guilt and shame causes people to hide sexual desires or behaviors because they perceive them as bad or unworthy. Hiding and secrecy impede a person’s relationship with others and create isolation. This exacerbates the problem of shame for the person and often disrupts their relationships with their family, friends, and community.

Sexual shame also causes psychological splitting, which happens when a person “splits off” a part of themselves that is deemed to be unacceptable. The disowned part of themselves continues to exist, but only in secret, where it often becomes distorted and intertwined with shame.

Splitting and secrecy cause many problems, including internal disconnect, relational disconnect and conflict, depression, dishonesty, infidelity, and others. Clients with this issue are able to work towards integration of their disowned parts in therapy, which can help reduce the shame.

Communication Breakdown

Couples who have sexual problems accompanied by shame often lash out at each other or shut down during conversations about their issues. The conversation usually starts with an effort to make sense of the problem and try to find a solution. But the conversation becomes frustrating quickly when there is shame involved.

A person with shame is more likely to want to deflect away from their own role in the issue, which can lead to inadvertently blaming the other person rather than owning their part. In other cases, one or both parties are so embarrassed and ashamed that they shut down, and the conversation ends in tears or shutting the other person out:

Alexandra and Neil haven’t had regular sex in years. After what they felt was a debacle on their wedding night, they slowly sank into a cycle of shame and blame. She felt embarrassed at her lack of experience and felt it was her fault the sex was awkward and painful. He felt he had failed in his role as a husband because he couldn’t please his wife. After 2 years of trying and arguing, Alexandra and Neil stopped bringing it up altogether. Now in therapy 10 years later, they have many layers of guilt and shame to process in order to heal and repair their relationship.

Sex-Related Shame: What to Do About It

Remember that many people experience shame about their sexuality and are able to heal from it. If this applies to you, consider engaging the help of a mentor or therapist and use resources such as the books listed below.

Consider meditating on the following phrases:

A therapist can help you work on identifying any sex-negative or shame-based beliefs, exploring where they came from, and reframing them into something that is more positive and affirming of your sexuality. Through this process, you may also work on healing any underlying wounds. Find an understanding therapist here.

Make sure to consult a physician to rule out any physical contributors to your sexual functioning.

Sex-Positive Books on Sexuality

Books for Survivors of Sexual Trauma and Those Who Love Them

Couple holding hands at table on coffee datePeople choose to open their relationships for many reasons, and there are many ways to do it. From swinging to polyamory and everything in between, each couple venturing outside the bounds of monogamy must navigate the arrangement that works best for them. The books referenced at the bottom of this article contain a wealth of information about open relationship styles. Before leaping into the unknown, it’s important to consider whether nonmonogamy is right for you. Consider the following questions—and then read up.

1. Is your mental and emotional health well-managed?

An open relationship can work wonderfully for many couples, but it may not be a good idea if you or your partner have unmanaged mental health issues, such as depression, anxiety, mood conditions, posttraumatic stress (PTSD), or bipolar. The complexities of an open relationship style may exacerbate untreated mental health issues.

If you struggle with your mental health, as many people do, consider seeing a therapist and/or psychiatrist to address your needs and to discuss the potential mental health implications of opening your relationship. [fat_widget_right]

2. What is your attachment style?

Your attachment style determines how secure you feel in romantic relationships, and it is typically established in childhood based on your relationship with parents or caregivers. If you are anxiously attached and often fear that your partner will leave you, an open relationship may trigger those fears and lead to problems. This doesn’t mean an open relationship is not for you—rather, it means you should be honest with yourself about what it will take for you to feel secure.

Also, know that attachment styles can become more secure with time and healing. The book Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love has good information about attachment styles. There are also online resources and quizzes, including this one, that can help you learn about your attachment style and that of your partner.

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3. Does your relationship have significant unaddressed problems or issues?

Don’t expect an open relationship to fix a relationship that is on the rocks. It’s wise to go to couples therapy and address any issues between you and your partner before considering an open relationship.

Every relationship, open or not, has its issues. You don’t have to be a “perfect” couple to open your relationship, but you will likely be better able to handle any challenges that arise if you feel confident that your relationship is on strong footing.

4. How well do you communicate with each other?

Having a successful open relationship requires a LOT of communication. If you and your partner struggle being open and honest with each other, communication practices such as active/reflective listening, using I-statements, and focusing on feelings and needs are an excellent place to start.

Couples therapy is a great place to learn and practice healthy communication and to talk through any concerns you might have about opening your relationship.

Couples therapy is a great place to learn and practice healthy communication and to talk through any concerns you might have about opening your relationship.

5. How busy are you?

If you struggle to make time for your partner as it is, adding another partner isn’t going to help.

Having an open relationship takes a lot of time—time openly communicating, time spent coordinating, time spent checking in on each other’s needs and feelings, and, of course, one-on-one time with each partner. Take an honest look at your calendar and make sure you have time for all of it. Make sure opening your relationship won’t have an unexpected domino effect of taking time away from other priorities in your life.

6. How do you feel about your partner having sex with another person?

Some people are turned on and excited by this, while others have a knee-jerk reaction against it. If you are in the second group, this is an opportunity for personal exploration. Ask yourself why. What concerns does it bring up? What are you afraid of?

Keep asking questions until you uncover the underlying fear. For instance, beneath jealousy may be a part of you that fears abandonment. Fears often contain some component of irrationality, as they represent unconscious beliefs that can be traced to previous experiences. Try to understand that fearful part of yourself and find out what it needs to feel safe. Remember there are different ways to get your needs met. Be candid with yourself, keep an open mind, and most importantly, be gentle with yourself and with your partner, as these are vulnerable topics.

7. How well do you identify and communicate your needs to your partner?

People who have healthy relationships, open or otherwise, are able to identify their feelings and needs, take responsibility for them, and communicate them to their partners in productive ways. Being in an open relationship provides many opportunities to practice this, which may make you a stronger and better communicator.

Consider this hypothetical example: Brenda and Aaron decided to open their marriage three months ago. They’ve both been on a few dates, and Brenda has been struggling with jealousy and insecurity. Brenda could say to Aaron, “I’m feeling nervous and worried about your date tonight (identifying and verbalizing feelings). I fear you will like her more than me and will pull away from me or possibly leave (identifying the underlying fear). I need to know you are committed to us (making a specific request).” Aaron could then say, “Brenda, I understand your fear; I have felt similarly when you go out (validating her feelings). I think you are beautiful. I love you, and I am so happy in our relationship (affirming Brenda and the relationship). I am 100% committed to us (reaffirming his commitment).” Brenda may still have feelings of fear, nervousness, and jealousy, but if she feels anchored by Aaron’s validation and reassurance, she may be better able to manage those feelings.

No one is perfect, and conversations don’t always flow this easily. However, having a relationship grounded in trust, good communication skills, and the ability to identify and share feelings will go a long way.

Conclusion

Although many couples are exploring nonmonogamy, it doesn’t work for everyone. It’s important to be honest with yourself and your partner about any concerns you might have. If you decide to try an open relationship, make sure you’re doing it for the right reasons and not to “fix” any existing problems.

It’s also important to consider the risks. Nonmonogamy remains stigmatized in many cultures and work environments, which can present complications. Educating yourself about the possible benefits and drawbacks, as well as safe sex practices, is essential, and a therapist can help you unpack any concerns you and your partner might have. Many therapists work specifically with nonmonogamous individuals and couples.

If you are curious about open relationships, consider the questions above before opening up rather than after. If you determine that an open relationship may work for you and your partner, check out the books below for helpful guidance on navigating nonmonogamy in an ethical and sustainable way.

References:

  1. Easton, D., & Hardy, J. W. (2009). The ethical slut: A practical guide to polyamory, open relationships, and other freedoms in sex and love. Berkeley, CA: Celestial Arts.
  2. Taormino, T. (2008). Opening up: A guide to creating and sustaining open relationships. Jersey City, NJ: Cleis Press.
  3. Veaux, F., & Rickert, E. (2014). More than two: A practical guide to ethical polyamory. Portland, OR: Thorntree Press.

Couple shares romantic moment in bedSensate focus, developed by Masters and Johnson in the 1960s, is a technique that has been used by sex therapists for many years to help couples and individuals overcome a range of sexual difficulties. Sensate focus exercises work best when engaged in with the guidance of a therapist. However, trying the exercises on one’s own can be a great place to start, if one feels safe and secure in doing so.

Sensate focus can be considered “mindfulness for touch.” A mindfulness practice involves meditation, or intentional focusing on something specific. Sensate focus is “mindfulness for touch” because it is an intentional focus on touch, without expectations, judgment, or pressure. Sensate focus can teach a person how to be in their body experiencing, rather than in their head “spectatoring.” Spectatoring is a normal function of an active mind; however, it inhibits arousal and orgasm, which is problematic. Let’s look at two examples of spectatoring.

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Petra

Petra is generally satisfied with her body and enjoys sex with her partner. However, when receiving oral sex, despite her best intentions, her mind starts to wander: “Did I send that email? … I need to remember to call her tomorrow … oh no, I’m distracted. … My partner is trying so hard, but I don’t know if I can climax …” and on it goes. For Petra, these distracting thoughts come in many forms, depending on the day. She sometimes has thoughts related to personal insecurities; work, family, and relationship stresses; to-do lists; worry about her partner’s experience; and more. This is spectatoring. Rather than being in her body experiencing the sensations, Petra gets in her head and becomes a spectator of what’s happening in her body. As a result, she doesn’t fully enjoy the experience and struggles to orgasm from oral sex.

Petra’s mind is acting exactly as it was intended; she’s not doing anything wrong. The human mind evolved to actively juggle multiple things at once and continuously scan internally and externally to identify what needs attention. Sensate focus is designed to give the active mind something compelling on which to focus during sex so it won’t need to wander. Let’s look at another example.

Tal

Tal generally enjoys connecting sexually with his partner; however, he sometimes has distracting thoughts during intercourse, such as: “She looks tired; maybe she wants me to stop. … Should I switch positions? … But I don’t want to risk losing my erection.” Tal’s spectatoring, like that of many people, is fueled by underlying fears of inadequacy and rejection. When these fears take hold, it is understandable he has difficulty orgasming before starting to lose his erection. Let’s look at a third example in which sensate focus can help.

Cherise and An

Cherise and An are a lesbian couple whose sex has lost its luster. They’ve tried different ways to spice it up, such as watching porn before sex, wearing sexy outfits, and even role play. Some of these activities have been fun, but in the end, they still feel dissatisfied and disconnected during and after sex. Cherise and An realize they have lost touch with their own and each other’s bodies. Sensate focus will help them reconnect with each other in an intentional and intimate way.

What Is Sensate Focus?

Sensate focus is a series of intimate touch exercises that teach one how to be fully in the body during sex. The exercises can be done solo or with a partner and can last from 10 minutes to one hour. It is recommended to start with 10 minutes for solo sensate focus and 20 minutes for partnered sensate focus. Do only one phase per session, and leave at least a day to process the experience in between sessions. Aim to spend at least two weeks in each phase, or more if needed to ensure one feels comfortable. These exercises can be done one to three times per week, depending on one’s needs and capacity. Sensate focus should be done separately from usual sexual intimacy.

Sensate focus is a series of intimate touch exercises that teach one how to be fully in the body during sex. The exercises can be done solo or with a partner and can last from 10 minutes to one hour.

Non-Demand Touching

Sensate uses non-demand touching, which means you are touching with no particular outcome or expectation in mind. This is different from sexual foreplay. You are not trying to arouse the other person or even to pleasure them. You are touching for yourself, with a sense of curiosity and exploration about your partner’s (or your own) body. Allow yourself to experience and enjoy touch for the sake of touch. Pay attention to the following aspects of the touch: temperature (warm/cool), pressure (hard/soft), and texture (smooth/rough).

Preparations

Sensate focus sessions should be scheduled ahead of time to allow for mental and physical preparation. Consider what will help you get in the mood for intimate touch. It’s important to minimize distractions and engage the senses. Removing distractions can include locking the bedroom door, taking time to unwind beforehand, and ensuring chores are completed. To engage the senses, you may use sensual music (without lyrics), scented candles, satin fabric, or lotions.

Phases

Conclusion

Sensate focus has been used by sex therapists for over 50 years to help people overcome barriers to sexual satisfaction and deepen their sexual experience. Sensate focus, or “mindfulness for touch,” teaches people how to get out of their heads and into their bodies during sexual experiences, using progressive intimacy exercises with non-demand touching.

References:

  1. Doidge, N. (2007). The brain that changes itself: Stories of personal triumph from the frontiers of brain science. New York, NY: The Penguin Group.
  2. McCarthy, B., & McCarthy, E. (2012). Sexual awareness: Your guide to healthy couple sexuality, 5th Ed. New York, NY: Routledge.
  3. Siegel, D. (2011). Mindsight: The new science of personal transformation. New York, NY: Bantam Books.
  4. Weiner, L., & Avery-Clark, C. (2017). Sensate focus in sex therapy: The illustrated manual. New York, NY: Routledge.

Photo of couple's entwined hands against background of sea and sunsetThis article walks the reader through an imaginary sexual interaction between a couple working to overcome various challenges in order to connect. Throughout the story, the author will interject to highlight what worked and describe the research-based skills that made it possible. This article focuses on the woman’s experience. Next month, the author will present the same interaction from the perspective of the man. Though this article focuses on a heterosexual couple, the scenario could easily take place between individuals of any gender.

The relationship between the two partners described here represents a composite of cases from the author’s work as a sex therapist. A year ago they were distant, hurt, and defensive, and they have both worked hard in therapy to get to this point—a much better place.

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Sandra gets home from work at 6 p.m., tired from a long day. Before she can even think about relaxing, she needs to prepare dinner, do chores, and make sure the kids are ready for school the next day. Devon, Sandra’s partner, gets home shortly after Sandra and helps her finish cooking. By the time they have addressed chores and childcare, it’s already 9:30 p.m.

The Dual Control Model of Sexual Response

The dual control model of sexual response, developed by Erick Janssen and John Bancroft at the Kinsey Institute in the late 1990s, organizes sexual response into two parts: the Sexual Excitation System (SES), the sexual “accelerator,” and the Sexual Inhibition System (SIS), the sexual “brake.” Each person’s SES and SIS have different levels of sensitivity. There is no right or wrong here—the important part is for each person to learn what specific conditions are optimal for their own sexual response.

Devon and Sandra have spent time learning about their own and each other’s SES and SIS. Things that typically trigger Sandra’s SIS, or brake, include worry about the children, stress about her to-do list, physical fatigue, and, at a deeper level, fears of inadequacy as a partner. Sandra’s brake is moderately sensitive, meaning that these factors inhibit her desire and arousal, but not so much that they feel insurmountable. On the other hand, Sandra’s SES, or accelerator, has a low sensitivity. This means her sexual response takes a while to warm up. Things that engage Sandra’s accelerator include Devon helping with chores, feeling desired, planning sex ahead of time, noticing Devon’s positive traits, and experiencing a slow build of physical stimulation.

“You work so hard,” Devon says, wrapping his arms around Sandra, “I want to help you relax and feel good tonight.” Sandra remembers they talked this morning about having sex tonight, but sex is the last thing on her mind right now. She feels a rush of inadequacy and anxiety about not being a more responsive partner, but she also feels annoyance at the expectation for her to be sexual after a long day. Sandra stops herself in these self-critical thoughts, takes a deep breath, and remembers that although her SIS is blocking any sexual desire she might feel otherwise, this is perfectly normal, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with her.

Each person’s SES and SIS have different levels of sensitivity. There is no right or wrong here—the important part is for each person to learn what specific conditions are optimal for their own sexual response.

She collects her thoughts to respond: “Honey, that sounds wonderful. I want to connect with you too. I just need some time to switch gears from work and “mommy mode” into “sexy mode.” Devon nods and smiles; he knows this. Sandra continues with a specific request, “Could we spend some time cuddling and talking about us for a bit first?” Devon agrees and offers to massage Sandra while they talk. As Sandra’s stress dissipates, she notices her body feeling more relaxed and aroused.

Sandra did three things here: she stopped her judgmental thoughts, recognized what she needed to release her brake and begin to engage her accelerator, and communicated what she needed in a way her partner could receive and understand. Devon knows Sandra’s SES and SIS well, and the couple has practiced communicating about this, and these factors both help matters significantly.

As Sandra begins to kiss Devon and touch his body, her desire builds. Over the past year, she has become more confident taking the initiative in their sexual interactions, which also helps signal to Devon when she is feeling ready. He reciprocates, and they slowly build the foreplay into full-body stroking, fondling, and teasing of each other’s erogenous zones. This feels wonderful, and yet Sandra notices part of her mind is preoccupied. She knows it will take at least another thirty minutes of focused stimulation in order for her to build to a large climax. Sandra has heard that some women come easily, but she has never been one of them. She used to feel ashamed of this, wondering what was wrong with her. Now, she actively practices embracing her body just as it is. Her accelerator is more like a slow-cooker than a flash-fryer—she takes longer, but the process of getting there can be quite enjoyable.

Sandra has learned certain things help turn up the heat more quickly, such as using a vibrator on her clitoris before and during intercourse or having an extended period of foreplay. Tonight, however, Sandra decides she wants to enjoy the slow simmer rather than push her body for a climax. She’ll save that for their Saturday date night when they both have more time and energy. Wanting to communicate this to Devon in a way that doesn’t feel like rejection, Sandra remembers she has options to describe pleasure. “Honey, I’m so into you and love being close like this. Tonight, my body is taking time to warm up, and I know it would take a while for me to come. So I want to fully relish riding the slow, rolling waves of pleasure I’m feeling, without having to push for something more.”

Devon replies, “You know I don’t mind spending time on your pleasure. We’ll take however long you need.” Sandra continues. “Thank you, honey. This right here is exactly what I want. The way you stroke me and hold me feels amazing and has me wanting more of you. I’d like to have intercourse for a little while until we both feel satisfied, then get to sleep before it gets too late.” Devon has done enough of his own work in therapy to be able to both trust Sandra will ask for what she wants and accept it’s okay if she doesn’t orgasm. They have intercourse until both feel satisfied and hold each other afterwards, expressing their appreciation for the shared pleasure and intimacy.

Techniques to Improve Communication

Sandra used several techniques here. First, she gave herself permission to let go of orgasm as a measure of success. Once she did so, she was able to identify what she actually wanted in that specific moment. She then communicated her desires clearly using flexible language to describe her pleasure and genuine affirmations for her partner. When Sandra and Devon began therapy, they, like many couples, were not accustomed to verbalizing positive feedback or asking specifically for what they want sexually, and it seemed awkward and unnatural to them at first. However, practicing this regularly has had immeasurable benefits for their sex life and relationship. Sandra and Devon succeeded because they learned what activates their SES and SIS, or sexual response accelerators and brakes, and implemented changes accordingly. Moreover, they learned how to communicate with each other about their sexual needs and desires in a way that builds intimacy.

If the struggles Devon and Sandra have experienced sound familiar, or if you would like to learn more about sexual response accelerators and brakes and the impact they may have on your relationship, a qualified couples counselor can help you explore these topics with your partner.

References:

  1. Kurpisz, J., Mak, M., Lew-Starowicz, M., Nowosielski, K., & Samochowiec, J. (2015). The dual control model of sexual response by J. Bancroft and E. Janssen: Theoretical basis, research and practical issues. Advances in Psychiatry and Neurology, 24(3). p. 156-164. doi: https://doi.org/10.1016/j.pin.2015.08.001.
  2. Nagoski, E. (2015). Come as you are: The surprising new science that will transform your sex life. New York, NY: Simon and Schuster Paperbacks.

Happy couple looks at each other, leaning in close to kiss in front of open laptopWhat makes couples therapy successful? I’ve see couples move from relationship nightmare to healthy and happy within six months of counseling. In many cases, by the time the couple ends up in the therapist’s office, they have been struggling for at least a year trying to fix issues on their own, or avoiding them. Therapy is often seen as a last resort.

Couples who are successful in this process have several things in common that help them fully benefit from therapy. Here are four ways you and your partner can set yourselves up for success:

1. Be All-In with the Process

Whether therapy is your first stop or a final attempt to salvage the relationship before giving up, in order to make it worthwhile, I ask that couples give it their best effort. This can be difficult if you’ve been to other therapists or tried different solutions without success. You may be feeling frustrated, resentful, or defeated.

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John Gottman’s extensive research on what makes relationships successful shows the four most destructive forces in a relationship are defensiveness, criticism, contempt, and stonewalling. From my experience, when any of these factors is present in the therapy room, it significantly impedes progress. All couples have conflict. It is how you manage that conflict that determines the outcome. Therapy works best if couples can set aside their resentments and come out from behind their emotional walls. In some cases, it takes time for couples to be able to do so because of ongoing conflicts, past hurts, and distrust. In these cases, it is important to focus on the trust and healing first, so that reconciliation can occur.

2. Come with an Open Mind

You may feel you’ve tried everything. You may have had countless conversations or arguments with your partner, researched the issue online, talked to friends, and tried different approaches. You may be skeptical of therapy, or simply skeptical as to whether your problems can be overcome in a way that satisfies both of you.

It is always possible your problems can’t or won’t be overcome. In some cases, a couple may determine their relationship is no longer healthy or compatible and decide to consciously uncouple. However, these are the minority of cases. In most situations, the problem is solvable. In therapy, you will be asked to suspend your disbelief and be open to the possible benefits from the techniques used in therapy. This may include communication exercises, intimacy homework, referral to medical providers, and considering new ways of framing your issue. Therapists use evidence-based methods that have a track record of success. When people are courageous by being open to the process, they can benefit from therapy interventions.

3. Prioritize Your Appointments

Therapy works best if couples can set aside their resentments and come out from behind their emotional walls.

It is important that couples commit to at least two therapy sessions per month for six months. This commitment serves two functions. First, it provides a chance for the therapy to work. We all wish there was a magic wand that would make our problems go away. Unfortunately, no one has one. However, we each have the ability to make positive changes, and therapy can help with that process—it just takes time. In my experience, it takes a minimum of 12 sessions for sustainable change to occur.

The second reason to prioritize your appointments: it communicates to yourself and your partner the relationship is worth it. Couples may be juggling work, school, family, and other responsibilities. Fitting therapy appointments into that can be a challenge, both logistically and financially. However, when couples find a way to make it work, they can benefit greatly.

4. Do the Homework!

The purpose of therapy is not to learn how to interact perfectly while in the therapist’s office; that is often the easiest part! The purpose of therapy is to learn how to interact in real time—to be able to navigate obstacles and conflict as they arise, in the midst of daily life.

I often assign couples the homework of having one to two intimacy dates per week. This is a planned time in which they set aside other demands and focus solely on each other. The couple uses this time to focus on applying what was learned in therapy. The homework will differ depending on your particular issue. However, what is true for all couples is practice makes “perfect.” Brain research shows the more we practice new ways of thinking and responding, the easier it becomes. Neural pathways in the brain are similar to muscles: the more you work them, the stronger they become. Neural memory develops, and with time, the new ways of relating to one another learned in therapy may become second nature.

Conclusion

Couples therapy is an excellent resource that helps many couples overcome challenges. Certain factors can help make therapy successful. Those factors include committing fully to the process, having an open mind, prioritizing appointments, and doing the homework. Seeing a therapist takes courage and dedication, and may prove life changing.

References:

  1. Doidge, N. (2007). The brain that changes itself: Stories of personal triumph from the frontiers of brain science. New York, NY: The Penguin Group.
  2. Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York, NY: Three Rivers Press.
  3. Siegel, D. J. (2010). Mindsight: The new science of personal transformation. New York, NY: Bantam Books.
Important Notice

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